#3199 Below Deck Down Under S04E01 Part 1: Joseph Smith Down Under

0:03Watch what happens when there's so much that happens Watch what happens Watch what happens Who cares what happens When there's so much that happens Well, hello and welcome to the Sultry sounds of Watch what happens I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there Hello, Ben How are you doing? Welcome back to another season Of Below Deck Down Under Below Deck Sultry which is not down under at all. But we're not going to change the title of the below dick. Because why brand build more when we can just trick Americans who don't know where anything is anyway? Listen, all that matters is that Canawan is below, is down under from America.

0:57So that's all that Bravo cares about. It's not up above. Canawan? Canawan? Canawan? Canawan? Everybody, welcome to a new season of below dick down under. It's bigger. It's better. It's more arrogant than ever with the new additions, and we're going to love it. We're all going to love it, damn it. The Golden Crappies is coming up February 27th here in the glamorous Los Angeles, California. We hope you can enjoy that with us live. Get your tickets at WatchWhatCrappens.com. Streaming tickets become available tomorrow, as well as voting for our first round. Okay? You're going to help us make this show happen.

1:39So round one voting and ticket links go live tomorrow. Check watch what crappens.com or Instagram or guess what? Our Patreon is all there too. Patreon is where you get our free newsletter. And it's also where you get bonus episodes, ad free listening and videos that we do every day. We're also covering the traders right now over there weekly. So join us for that. May I make a personal shill? I just posted a new NBD Fancy. So if anyone wants some cooking inspiration, you should check out my food stuff. Yeah, it's NBD Fancy. Thanks, Ronnie. It's a great one. It's NBD Fancy.substack.com. And yeah, there's a pretty interesting lasagna on there that honestly I've been thinking about for four days straight.

2:24I know. I've been thinking about it since I read that this morning. It looks. I want to make it for you. I'm going to make it for you. I'm going to make it for you. I'm going to make it. That's like so much. I also want to say that, so going back to the crappies that Ronnie and I like sat together and we, we made the categories and we, we put all the things into the general voting. And I have to say it is so fucking funny. Like there are so many hilarious moments and so many crazy things that happened over the past year. Like I cannot wait for you guys to see this, this, this like big ballot. And then I'm also like really excited to see what makes it to the final ballot because it's so fun.

3:03Like how lucky are we? How lucky are we that we get to see such funny things? Like, don't you sometimes feel bad for people who don't watch Bravo that they just aren't, they have no access to this stuff. Like this is just, it's so deeply entertaining. And you know what I feel for people who don't watch Bravo? Nothing. I give them no thought and no feeling. They don't factor into my life at all. I pretend they're not there. Is there a rule outside of it? Nope. Not for me. We were sitting there, sitting talking about, like, hmm, where should Huda's pancakes go? I mean, like, we're literally, like, there's a pancake that's going up against who knows what.

3:38But I love that these are the things. That's not even on Bravo. So what do you think about that? Yeah, it's not. But it was an influential pancake. Okay. Up for best show this year, Dateline. Okay. Join us for the Bravo Awards. We don't care. We're like Murder, She Wrote. Angela Lansbury, best Bravo celebrity of the year. look if we watched it if we watch it and we talked about it on the show it's it's gonna be it's gonna be in the realm okay so uh gosh we totally forgot to include things like i don't know the oscars just kidding um but anyway it's gonna be so fun i'm excited but also really fun this episode of below deck down under wow what an exciting premiere i didn't realize we'd be starting right away with that real housewives i thought oh my gosh they're not giving us a break with those Real Housewives of Salt Lake City.

4:28You know, after a Housewives, after every season, you know, by the end of these seasons, I'm like, okay, whoever you're frustrated with, well, whoever I'm frustrated, let me just keep this about me. I hate when people say, you know, when you, when I get to the end of the season, I'm usually so frustrated because it's the same fights. It's the same, you know, it's like on Below Deck, it's a douchebag. It's like Joe being a douchebag all season. He's just such a douchebag by the end that I'm just ready to kill somebody, you know? And the Housewives are the same. And so by the end of those seasons, I need a year.

4:59I need a year to like relax, forgive everybody. Like I was involved in these fights personally. I need to just like get over it. I need to recover from the trauma basically. And man, we didn't get any time. Last week was the season finale. And this week is they're back. Here they are. They're back again. But listen, I'm never going to complain about a Housewives of Salt Lake City. I mean, I love them. So, yeah, I have to say that by the end of last week, you know, the stress of putting the crappies together, it adds so much work on like onto our plates more than I think people actually really realize.

5:36It's just it's so much. It's endless meetings, you know, and so there's that. And then the recording schedule right now is very rigorous because we have the traders on the schedule. We have, you know, some extra shows. and so it's just it's a lot and i had a moment next last week when as below deck met ended the thought that is just like starting it right up all over again from scratch i was like oh we don't even get a break we just go right into a brand new below deck where we just we run it back again for the millionth time i was like i i don't know if i can do this i i'm i'm like i i think i may need to take a break from below deck for one season before we launch into it but of course by the time last night rolls around, I'm refreshed and I watch it and I'm like, I love it.

6:20And I'm like, so glad we're talking about it because also as much as the premiere is about the real house wives coming on board, which was very fun for me, the real story and the thing that I'm going to be tracking for a little bit. And the thing that is also stressing me out the most is the situation with Ben and Alicia down in the galley. That situation is so wild. Normally when people come back, they're usually like, last season I didn't know what I was doing, but this time around I know what I'm in for. I've trained. I've worked. I've worked on 45 different boats, and now I'm ready to kick some ass.

6:57I'm stronger, but Alicia comes in like, actually, I went skiing, and I don't know, and she's actually somehow way worse than she was last year. She's totally inept, and Ben is losing his mind, and I am like, I was sitting there just laughing and stressed, and covering my eyes every time they had a scene together. I love an unsupportive parent. Because, you know, so many times on this show, it's like, oh, my God, my mom is my idol. She's done nothing but support me. I like when someone comes on and they're like, yeah, my mom told me, you're going to be a cook. I mean, come on, culinary school, come on.

7:29Get off of it, Alicia. Go fuck someone on a ski slope. So I did. You know, my mom's really into me wasting my life. I love that. Oh, my God, it was so amazing. and also the return of ben i can't believe how much i enjoyed that i always thought ben was like it was good you know he's always been like one of the most famous people to come out of this series but uh watching him on the show makes you realize that we've endured so many generic chefs over the years like the clown guy we just got through or i don't know like a million of them And so to have someone like Ben come in who really is like a, he is kind of a fiery personality.

8:11He's like a TV personality. You're like, oh, now I remember why this guy popped on our screens for all those years. Yeah, his arrogance is really crystallized, you know? And I think sometimes you wonder like what happens to people like Kate left the show and then you can see her on Instagram being happy with her little baby and just doing other TV shows and just doing so well. or, you know, you see Hannah doing well, happy with her family. And, you know, obviously we still keep in touch with her and she's so happy and great. And then you see Ben and he's like, well, my life still sucks. I've basically fucked up every opportunity that I've had.

8:49So I'm back, I'm back. I've been sleeping on the couch for the past two months because I got dumped by the woman I was trying to trick her to marry me. And I'm back, here I am, bitches. And I'm more hateful than ever. And I loved it. He's like, give me someone to abuse in the kitchen. I wish it wasn't Alicia because I like her. And she didn't do anything that bad, you know, but she's working for Ben, who's so picky and arrogant. And it's just and he's so condescending and just downright rude to her that it's like, oh, it's not even like it's not even like you're seeing this like relationship decay.

9:26It's not like they started off friendly and then it and then it starts off already with him. just destroying her. And he destroys her in the way that I expect Chef to destroy their sous chefs. You know, he is someone who I could imagine being on Top Chef because he has that vibe of like, okay, you have jumped into the lion's den and like the battle starts now. I'm going to start hazing you right now. But also like I think he thought that she had some skills about her and like the very first test is about like beans and he He says, pull the black beans and she pulls red beans. And he's like, those are red beans, silly.

10:04Silly goose. Silly, very stupid goose. Oh my God, I'm stuck with this girl. But by the end, he's like, honey, get this, sweetie. Come on, sweetie. Come on, sugar tits. You could do better than that. I was like, oh no, this is going to be a long ride. I don't think she's going to make it. I think she's going to quit. I actually do not think we're going to get too many episodes with her. But then we see the season trailer and Ben is just a monster. I mean, he's sleeping in the guest cabin every night. He's like bringing people back. I mean, it's not good. So can they fire him? Like, is he too famous to fire?

10:38Are they paying him too much to fire him midseason? Because, wow. Yeah, I don't, I really don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. And I like that Captain Jason is more vacant than ever. I mean, Captain Jason really does have a lost look in his eyes. He, in the first couple of seasons with Asha, he didn't. But without Asha, he looks lost and he looks not nice. I'm going to say that. He looks like he's not very nice is the impression I'm getting. And he just lost, I think. He looks a lot like maybe his eyes say coma. You know, like if someone's in a coma and their eyes are just like staring off into space.

11:14That's what he looks like. Are you there? I want to flash lights. Yeah. There's a vacancy. A vacancy. It's sort of reminiscent of those. it's like Rosie on the Jetsons except like sexy Captain Edition, right? He just sort of comes in but the eyes just sort of the unblinking eyes that just sort of stare or you know just coming through and then You know when babies, have you ever met one of those babies that just doesn't know how to look at anything yet? They're just like kind of dumb because they're little, you know? And they're just like, they just kind of like look off like that. And occasionally you'll get them their mom's like, oh my god, he's smiling and the baby's like, It's like just a twitch.

11:55Oh, you mean, I call that Whitney Rose face.

12:00Well, yeah, kind of like that. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

12:10So, okay, so there's our preamble. So here we go. Oh, season four. Season four, episode one. The Real Housewives of Down Under. Yachting runs on leadership, teamwork, and respect. And that starts at the top. And I can't have what happened last year with my heads of department in each other. There's no room for chaos. Everyone needs to know their role. I don't want any arrogance, which is why I got Ben and Joao. It's like, wow. I know. Wow. Three people who famously get along so well with other people on a ship. Daisy, Ben, and Joao. What could go wrong?

12:50he's like been i don't micromanage but i do have high standards i don't expect just good i want exceptional because by the way jason is like it's nighttime and he's like walking through this path that looks like he just got eliminated on survivor and he sits down at this table and these three stars of the franchise are all there with him and he's basically giving them are talking to. And the underlying thing is, listen, we brought the A-team for this season. For some reason, we decided that Bravo wants to do a big push on down under. So let's do it, but don't fight. Let the little ones fight. Which, of course, is never going to work.

13:28No, it's never going to work. I like when he says he doesn't micromanage. You barely manage. What are you talking about? Captain Jason is like, Captain Jason, someone is being beaten with a baseball bat. He'll be like, learn to manage it. I'm here to tell you to learn to manage this yourself. Like, come on. So he's like, that's why I brought you all here together. Ben, I don't micromanage, but I do have high standards. All right? I don't just expect good. I want good, but exceptional, but also from a voice of someone who's kind of like W.C. Fields, but British. Can you give me that? He's like, oh, I can.

14:07I've been cooking since I was four years old. And that's great. So everyone who's looking for some Play-Doh for dinner, Ben's got you covered. And then Jason says, Joelle, you're a captain now. That's why I serve everything choo-choo style. Choo-choo, meatball coming in, meatball coming in. Joelle, you're a captain now, and you've earned your stripes, and I want you to lead your team with structure and experience and the discipline that's required on deck, and please refrain from having to mention Zimbabwe every two seconds. Well, back in Zim, I would always tell people, I'm here to make it easy for you, as easy as possible.

14:44So easy. And I said, get over here, you cut finishes. I'm going to make it easy for you. So get ready. That should definitely be a rule. Joao, I know you're a captain now. Let's please refrain from calling women the C word. All right. Great. Good to have you back. So Joao is like, yeah, I'm here to make it easy for you as possible, chef. I mean, captain. Well, Daisy. your chief stewardess, and you're the one to set the standard. I need attention to detail. I need professional luxury service. I need Asia's new haircut. Have you got that? Are you ready to come back with a bob? I certainly do. I have all that, and I'm going to get right to the bottom of it.

15:29So Jason's like, so you two haven't met yet, by the way. And Dave's like, no, I haven't met. Sorry, the pivot from all these accents all at once at one table. is really messing me up. I just realized I'm doing something crazy with Daisy's voice. I think this is the part where we just say, if you're here for realistic voices, it's not going to happen. And we need at least six weeks before we know anybody's names or where they're even from. Until then, you're just going to get some crazy sounding shit. Yeah. So enjoy. So Daisy's never met Ben before, but Ben has worked with Joao. And so she's like, all right, well, you guys are the best of the best.

16:09Well, she said she's worked with Ben. Yeah, she looks at Ben and she's like, yeah, we've worked together before. And Ben's like, yeah, I was Captain Sandy a long time ago. I think that was, you know, it honestly doesn't matter. And so Jason was like, he was talking about wow. Oh, okay, okay. I got confused because I was like, when did Jason work with Captain Sandy? I know, that's the thing. It's like, oh, I never worked with Captain Sandy because I was on a sailboat that was trashing itself. So then Jason says, well, you guys are the best of the best. That's why I brought you guys all here. And there's no room for egos, even though you were specifically cast for your egos.

16:47Yeah. We got to blow this one out of the park. All right. What are you looking at? You. No, you're not. I'm right here. You're looking over there. It's like, uh. So now we see the gigantic yacht. And Jason, guys, Jason's thing is a disco hat crashing into docks and fish. He loves fish. He always has like, now that's his thing. He's always going to have some fish that he probably kills by the end, or they're probably dead by the end, or he just throws over the edge. Because these are new fish. They're not the same. They've got a tank that's not covered in green algae, which is a great improvement for now.

17:23We'll see. We'll check in on that tank over the course of the season. Of course, this is Blow Deck Down Under, home of magnificent fish B-roll. I personally, for this premiere episode, since it was such a big one and we had the Housewives, I did not pause and do a fish report and, you know, note. I didn't, I was, I didn't do that necessarily, but I did observe some wonderful new additions to the fish report cannon. Did you notice any that caught your eye, Ronnie? I just noticed that they were there and they have the best photography on this show. The fish get the, like the best glam. They have the best glam team.

17:58They really do. I mean, we saw, we saw classics like the clownfish who we hate totally overrated and winds up getting a lot of screen time just because of finding Nemo, but we actually don't think the clownfish has inherently earned the right to be like the cutest fish on below deck. Although it is nice seeing this year that the clownfish has a guitar and then like a little cartoon version of himself that criticizes him. And then other fish, like don't even see that fish as a sexual object. And then, um, uh, there was an octopus, which was great, but honestly for me, the fish that I remember the most.

18:32There was actually a beautiful little sea turtle just grazing. But for me, the one to look out for this season on Below Deck, who I think is going to be a real breakout star. And I mean that quite literally, it's a starfish. There was a big old starfish in the middle of the episode, a starfish just laying on its back. And it just laid there for about five seconds of screen time while stuff happened above it. It was like people were cleaning and Daisy was looking for a towel and someone was wiping down a surface and they just had that starfish down below just laying out there and i was like i think this is gonna be the year of that starfish so keep an eye so it was laying on its back that's not like a starfish it was just like it was it's a pervert no no i'm sorry it was i'm sorry i should say it was it was laying appropriately but because the angle of the camera normally we see a starfish they shoot it like direct on like like uh you have a direct shot of the starfish and you see it like in a full starfish mode but this time they had the camera on the side so it looked like the starfish was like suntanning even though the starfish was doing the normal starfish thing it wasn't flipped over oh yeah i thought it was like flipped over like corn holding everybody and i was like what a no no no the starfish has decency yeah okay you know i've always been jealous of starfish because they die and then they look exactly the same like 20 years later like they're still hot you don't even have to bury a starfish people literally collect dead starfish like isn't this pretty Yeah.

19:52They put them in their homes. They are true artists. They're true artists. They're appreciated more when they're dead.

20:02To have the Botox ladies that the starfish have. It's amazing. Whatever they're doing to themselves, they look great. So Captain Jason is talking to his goldfish, and he's like, all right, we're going to have to rename you guys this year. I see you. Wow. I see you. Wow. Sexually harassing somebody. That's good. All right. Daisy's just poking her head out at the moment, thinking about a Bob. We'll see what happens. And this is Ben. Wow, look at Ben. Don't really know what to say to him. But not very creative with my names this year. But, yeah, I am still awake. And it's been more than five minutes on this show.

20:37So give me a little credit, will you? This season, we're in Kanawan. And I cannot be more excited. Or should I say, I kind of will not be more excited. That was a pun. It's an exclusive location. so exclusive that I never even heard of it before. To get here as a mission, you have to charter your own plane. And because this is where the high-end people want to be, it's got the largest reef chain in the Caribbean and it's the perfect place for some snorkeling. There's a lot of sea life. And we're down under in the Caribbean. So, you know, it's sort of down under-ish, you know. So I guess that works and I'm Australian.

21:14So you see the branding still works if you think about it. listen it just works I'm Australian down under is wherever I am that's so philosophical it sounds like a beer commercial wherever you are that's down under beer is wherever I am yeah so Kanawan a very exclusive enclave all the high end people are which is why Whitney a failed Alibaba repurposer is going to be arriving very shortly. So Daisy and Joelle, by the way, I'm not just in Canawan. I feel like, I'm taking, yeah, you're really coming for Canawan. I really am. Like, why am I doing this? I have no issues with Canawan. It looks beautiful.

21:58what Canawan do? I have issues with Jason, Jason pitching it as like, at this high end place, which I'm sure it is, but like now it's been destroyed because it's not like city women are arriving. Now we have a group entrance to the boat, which we don't get. I mean, maybe they're trying to do a, you know, kind of a thing like they did with Fraser's season this year where they're like, let's go to dinner first. Let's talk about everything. Let's hang out. And then let's, you know, have glamour arrivals. But we get Joao, Ben and Daisy walking up to the boat and talking about how big and beautiful it is.

22:36And Joao's like, I love a boat with big girth, eh? God, here we go. Here's Joao version 5.0. That's right. And then Ben says,

23:15desperate. Things are going terribly for me. And he took him to lunch at the Outback Steakhouse, you know, because Australian and now I got a job. So here we go. Going backwards in my life. Would you trust a chef that took you to the Outback Steakhouse? I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I would not. Well, I think, like, I don't know if I would, but if I were Jason, I'm sure Jason's like, well, I'm Australian. Take me to an Australian restaurant. They really saved me. You didn't have to bring me to an Australian restaurant, mate, because Australia is wherever I am. Well, he needed a chef, I needed an escape, and I thought, why not?

23:56In essence, we saved each other. This could be the perfect little distraction, you know, just a little goodness in my life. Oh, no. You're going to make this miserable for everybody. I'm so glad they brought you back. You little dark cloud of hell. I can't wait. It is appropriate that Ben's on the show because he does sort of look like that moray eel that they showed a lot last season. If you really look at his face, he's got kind of like moray eel qualities, you know? So now people come in. Joao gets his apparently gigantic nipple caught on the automatic door. And Daisy, they have like gift bags or something.

24:36Right? Do you know in Zim they called it a zippel, not a nipple? Bob way.

24:47so they have like gift bags with uniforms uh from liquid yacht wear don't i have enough water why you gotta name it liquid i'm surrounded by this shit name it towel name it like towel yacht i feel like i want my yacht wear to be called super dry yacht wear because I feel like if I'm wearing clothing that's wet on a yacht, my boat's sinking, right? Well, I'm going to come up with a deodorant called drippy deodorant. Like, who wants that? Nobody wants that. You want to be kept dry, okay? Yeah. Liquid diapers. Well, my last four seasons on Percival had so many ups and downs. I'm really ready for a clean slate and a boat that's not on its side all the time.

25:31And we see flashbacks of Daisy's greatest hits. It's probably for all the people who've never watched Below Deck Sailing. which is too bad because that was a messy, crazy show. And Daisy says, I'm looking forward to a new phase of my life. I got new hair. I'm looking forward to a new crew. I'm looking forward to a boat that doesn't trash itself every time it hits the open water. And we see, we see Parzival, everything falling off the shelves at all times on that show. Yeah. It's like, no, thank you. Yeah, I love this montage of Daisy just freaking out over the tiniest little things. she really is so like a basket case you know it's like daisy uh hey daisy i just wanted to ask you maybe you know they they wanted a little pasta this evening she's like pasta pasta pasta that's all they ask for am i not doing enough on this boat nobody respects me now i gotta get pasta too nobody respects the thing i'm doing honestly i am so excited for daisy season i really need a daisy season because you know asia is so nice like we always everyone loves asia we love asia um but asia is like nice and then fraser is just kind of like generic almost like he doesn't really yell at people he's not he's not really nice he's not really mean he's just like british and withering and that's fine that's fine but i feel like below deck is really at its best when you have a chief Stu who does not take any BS.

26:59Although I actually don't believe Asha takes any BS, but she handles it in like a, oh no, unfortunately I can't do that for you way. And like, I love the tradition of the Kates and the Hannahs and the Daisies of like, why are you doing that? What do you think you're doing? Cause the interior don't mess with me. You know? Well, she's not really like that with interior. She's more like the, I mean, she's, I guess she's a little more like that with the interior, but she does take a lot of crap from the men on the boats, or she at least falls in love with them, which she will pick the worst man and fall in love with that man.

27:35And it's so disappointing to see her making out with Joao later and like actually having a thing with, I mean, come on. You know, the, yeah, the, the Gary and Joao track record is a real bad one. That's a real bad one. I mean, going from Gary and being like, and there are a lot of hints like, you know, I'm used to these douchebags on the boats or there's, like kind of that attitude and then just and i was behind you i was like good finally we get a daisy season without a douchebag dragging everything down and they're like no you know what let's put daisy with joao it's like if a person plays a villain one time on tv then they have to play a villain every single time they're like well we know they know how to do it he played a terrorist last time just have him play a terrorist again okay we're in the pioneer days i don't know call him something else but make sure he's a terrorist and someone and daisy's kind of like that they're They're like, guys, we've got Daisy.

28:26Let's give her a new chance and a new plot line. They're like, nah, give her Joao. It's Daisy. People want to see Daisy go crazy with a douchebag. Just do it. Typecast. I'm a little worried that they're grooming Joao to take over a new franchise at Below Deck because now he's a full-fledged captain. And they've mentioned it several times. Like, he's a captain now. He's a captain, right? Yeah, they're saying it a lot. That would be something fun for Bravo to do, being, you know, like, here's Joao. He's a captain. I mean, you had Eddie, who I think is a captain, but like I'm a tugboat so like whatever but like Joao I think they're really breeding him wasn't Kali like a tugboat person a tugboat captain or something you're doing great Kali you're the captain of your mother's heart I love you Kali come to dinner

29:13commercials here comes one right now

29:21so Jason is giving Joao his team's info he's like here's your crew um mike's a dick stew it's up to you guys to manage him and your team and work together please do something about his hair i'm requesting that right now we see a picture of mike and he has aqua netted that hair i don't know what's happening it's a comb over a comb back it's a it's a candle head i don't know what's happening i was trying to think i was trying to think of what does his hair look like and like the best i could do is it looks like a video projector it looks like one of those things you set it up and you can see something on your wall but it's made of his hair.

29:55I think it looks like the Heatmiser. The what? The Heatmiser. I'm Mr. Heatmiser. I'm Mr. Blop-dee-dop-dee-dop. You don't know who that is? He's from the Christmas movies. Here, look, I'll put a picture of him. I'll put him a picture. He's from those Christmas movies we saw. Those Claymation movies, you know? Hold on. I think he looks like It looks like he's got one of those like Newsboy caps but it's made of his own hair Like his hair is his own He's the heat miser I feel like he's got a calzone On his head but it's his own hair No calzone is delicious And like it's a normal shape His hair is It's like an Olympic torch Representation Made from hair it's like he's wearing a yurt but the yurt is his own hair and it's a small yurt that fits his head okay okay i can see that a yurt it's a little too round though it looks like

31:11what is it's like i think it looks like comb over hair you know how guys will do if they're going balding in the front they'll try and do like a big comb over to hide the bald spot but his is like doing that from every angle of his head so it's like coming coming up coming to the sides coming from the front but then somehow not really standing up in one uniform it's disturbing it's disturbing and when we talked about it in our preview or in in the salt lake city recaps when we first saw him people were like oh no that's where he's from people the guys there like are really into hairspray and bouffants whatever whatever you call this hair they're like that's like you shouldn't even make fun of that because that's like regional well i'm sorry but give give note to the take note to the region stop this stop it it's it's like a wine glass filled with some red wine and then he made hair out of it but only the wine part and not the top part of the glass yeah okay it's like when when your little sister gets cotton candy and it's only hers but then you grab a big chunk of it and And you're like trying to run away with it.

32:13And you're running with this thing of broken cotton candy. It's like someone took a big shoe and turned it upside down and put it on his head. And he turned his hair into that. It looks like when cats throw up. Have you seen like cats throw up a hairball? He's got to stop it. And also he's pairing that hair with the eyebrows, which he's done the 90s Pamela Anderson, like tweeze all the way into little tiny sticks. And then he colors them as well. It's just so much happening. And he talks the whole time like, I'm so hot. I'm so hot. Like, so sexy. Who are we going to hook up with, I girls? And it's like, what?

32:51No one is fucking you with those eyebrows. Yeah, he's got the Bette Midler cheeks, you know, that sort of like rise up into the eye area a little bit, you know? So he's got like this strange geometric hair with Bette Midler cheeks and then those eyebrows. And it's just like a lot of visual things happening all at once, you know? It's a lot. And, you know, it's not nice to make fun of someone's visuals, but like in this case, it's, you know, it's making someone, it's making fun of someone's work. You know what I mean? And I think that that's fair because it's not like he was born bad. You know, he's like a cute guy or whatever.

33:26He's just, it's everything he's doing. And I think, I think that we're allowed to judge that. Yeah. I mean, there's, there's no higher compliment than saying you have Bette Midler upper cheeks, but definitely the hair thing, the hair thing is, is definitely a choice. Like it's almost like he has, he has hair that is supposed to be kind of like shoulder length, but he's like falling from a building. And so the hair's all going up instead. He's falling from a building. That's a good way to put it. Yeah, he looks like he's falling. He's just dropping from a building. That's a good way to put it. Or standing over a really strong subway grate.

34:02His hair is doing Marilyn Monroe. I'm trying to get my dress to do it, but my hair is doing it instead.

34:12So then Daisy gets the stew resumes, or the CVs, as they're called, and Jason's like, here's your gills. You've got Jenna and Joe. show him the ropes and show him the way and please don't bother me. I'll be in my room. And Daisy's like, I know a deck stew always kind of falls under some reason. You know, are you going to be fully managing him or is he going to come more under interior? Because Mike is going to do both. He's the deck stew. So he's going to be going back and forth. So they're going to be confounded by his hair outside and inside. I feel like he'll catch things outside with his hair and he'll bring them inside for the interior to do work with.

34:49so Joao is like butterflies like butterflies will just get stuck in there wait you have a butterfly you have butterfly net here that's what it is Joao is like from what I can see it'll be more interior this interior is massive almost as big as Zim so what I'm thinking is that we could use him in the morning give him some space in the afternoon to rest and then you can use him in the evening and by that I mean I'll use him all day long thank you very much you'll mostly get him except for the 18 hours that I need him. And so, Joao, we get Joao's story. He's like, I started in Zimbabwe yachting eight years ago, and I feel like I now have a great reputation.

35:31Where? With who? In Zim. I mean, I've had to kind of make up for my bad reputation, but I've grown up now. I'm grown up, and ask me if I'm going to take a position as an officer on any other boat. I wouldn't. I'm a captain. I've got a license. I'm a big boy now. I've got a license to drive any vessel under 3 ,000 gross ton, and I do. But Jason, he's like a big brother to me, and he's on television. He's a mentor, and I trust him, and I believe I can learn more from him. Like, for instance, how to crash a boat into a dock.

36:06Which I did learn when I found out he was having dinner at the Outback, and I went to meet them, but Jason crashed his boat into the Outback Steakhouse. this is still my favorite it's my favorite captain intro when they're like hey i'm captain jason here's the restaurant i crashed into he's like yeah that was a rough one so uh daisy introduces herself to mike she's like hello i'm daisy what's your possession he's like well i'm usually top but sometimes i'll do bottom it's like no no no it's 2026 do i have to choose he's like i'm a dexter and she's like oh you're a dexter love it i'm daisy i'm your chief stew and your new nightmare mike's like oh pleasure i'll be reporting to you yeah she's like yeah and you're gonna be under my team so you better watch out uh so now we see jenna and joe they arrive and they're like oh my god joe jenna jenna joe oh my god wow you're stunning you're stunning no you're stunning no you're stunning yeah you're both stunning they don't cast ugly people on this show unless you're a male no offense to any of the men yeah but true so then uh mike and ben and daisy are in the galley and daisy introduces mike to ben and and mike mike's voice is is i don't know a part of england he's from i don't know is that like a scouse accent or whatever but it's very you know it is hyper regional and we've heard it before and he's like i can't even do it but he's like, I'm a beat of a chatterbox, mate.

37:32I'm the big loud outgoing character. And Daisy's like, well, we'll put you in front of the guests. We'll entertain them. They'll look at your hair and be in trance for hours. Oh, 100%. I'm an entertainer. I worry about people who describe themselves that way. Let me describe you that way. You know? Don't describe yourself that way. So what do you like? Super entertaining. God, everybody loves me. I'm the life of the party. Hey, you want some smiles? You better send me. out there. That's what I do. I make them smile. I'm always entertaining. Shut up. This kid needs to just go to theater camp and a hair cut and a barbershop.

38:10So Jenna and Joe are talking about where they're from. Jenna's from South Africa. Joe's from Montreal. Jenna's a stewardess. Joe's like, me too. Oh my God, you're stunning. No, you're stunning. No, you're stunning. So Daisy is introducing everybody. And then we see another Eddie. Wait, is this Eddie? What was the other guy's name mike oh it's mike and eddie okay so eddie okay yeah new eddie wait oh new eddie new eddie with okay yeah new eddie with the body image issues yeah so he comes around so is he short he looks tall by the way i think he looks tall i think eddie looks tall i think he looks tall but he's he talks about how he he's traumatized from being short so i'm not sure oh yeah he said he was little right um that's imagine if like that he has like a very severe case of body dysmorphia that like can be easily disproven like the one case of body dysmorphia that can be disproven by actual measurements and he's like just so short what do you mean i can't ride this roller coaster they're like but you can no i can't it says you have to be above this line you're literally above this line no i'm not no i'm not gaslighting me are you trying to have me are you trying to have me you're trying to have me thrown from a roller coaster because i'm not even tall enough i could die if i rode that thing sir you're three times the height you need to be to ride this i'm gonna die before i ever see space mountain

39:44by the way i think we should mention that mike um with the hair has an only fans account or at least had one when he showed up on salt lake city uh several people messaged us to say hey mike has an only fans account and so i went to go uh look him up first of all he his hair on twitter his hair looks different and much better he looks much better on twitter than he does on this show So he's definitely had like an improvement. But are you looking at him right now? I see the screen flashing on your eyes. Send it to me. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You can see, you can see that my, my face, like there's like a bright light on my face.

40:20Okay. I'm going to send it to you. But there's, it looks like he's taken, he only has two posts on Twitter and it looks like he took everything down. So this may include potentially sensitive content. Yes. I mean, how many times do I have to say yes to that? Yes, show me the porn. There needs to just be a button you press. It says, just show me the porn. Oh, yeah. So he's like shirtless and holding up a folder in front of his wiener. I mean, yeah, he looks better. Now his hair is just like stupid teenager hair all pushed forward. You know, like broccoli hair. But that's better. It's definitely better.

40:57Okay, x.com, Mike Durant. Oh, yeah. Wait, it's age restricted. Okay, log in. Oh, God, I have to log in. It's too much. Did you log in? You already logged in. On Twitter? No. No, I said, okay. And then it just took me on. So his OnlyFans is called Mike Bears All. Oh, he says, I used to take my clothes off on national TV. And after popular demand, I've decided to show even more of myself on here. Oh, I wonder if he was on that nude show in England. You know that show? Oh, yeah. He was on a show and he was nude. I see him right here. He's ding-a-ling and everything. Wow. You have to sign in. Yeah, he's definitely cute or naked.

41:37yeah, much better. Good for him. Good for him. Okay. Well, there you go. I don't know, you know, about if he has an only fans, I can tell you one thing. He for sure has confidence. Yeah. And hairspray has only hair right now. I'm blow deck. Only hair going only up. Everybody has an only fans. Now we're really behind the times. I know. I think it's time. I think it's time to put these moves to work. Come on, baby. I don't know if anyone needs to see my skinny fat body, to be honest. It takes all types. It takes all types. So Ben is telling Joao to calm down, mate, because he met the girls, and they're cute, of course.

42:18And so Ben's like, oh, this might come as a shock to everyone, but I'm actually single. The fact that you were engaged comes as a shock. He says in our notes, it says, fairly recently I broke up with my fiance having spent$50 ,000. I thought he said$15 ,000 on a wedding. And I was like, that's why she left you. $15 ,000. Where are you getting married? The in and out? Yeah. The outback. And he's like, I spent$50 ,000 on a wedding I didn't attend. It's odd when your future has been solidified for it all to vanish into thin air. Yachting was a very large part of my formative life. And it's actually nice to come back to it, to come crawling back to it, to know that you failed in all other arenas.

43:04and now you have to go take a lowly job that you thought you were long past, but you're not because you're not good enough. And so while all your friends from boarding school, ah, boarding school drama, go on and do wonderful things with the aristocracy. I'm here in the galley cooking crumpets for stupid people and dealing with idiots all around me. So when it came to the option of Kate's couch or a boat, I chose the boat. You know, they say that to get over someone, you have to get under someone else. So my new girl is Katina. I will be fucking the boat, literally fucking the boat for the rest of the season.

43:42Sticking it in every nook, every cranny I can find. That's why I literally waited to go on to blow deck down under so that way I could get under someone. Yeah. So Daisy and Jenna are in a cabin and making small talk. Where are you from? South Africa. I'm Cape Town. Well, you don't sound very South African. And she's like, well, I'm so happy. She's like, I'm so happy. She makes a really thick accent. She's like, I'm so happy I don't sound South African. And she's like, what? See, that's how I could sound. Ma 'am. So Jenna is a hottie. And she's like, it's expensive to be Jenna. I mean, I work hard so I can provide for myself.

44:25I love a luxury lifestyle. So she's one of these who's like, I do it for the Birkins. I clean toilet so I can look fancy on Saturday night, baby I love this bucket of stews or yacht workers on below deck, the ones that are like I love a luxury lifestyle I got into yachting because you meet some of the top 1 % and you surround yourself with the people you want to be, who you're associated with and that's who you're going to become like lady, you are cleaning up vomit from tech bros who don't give a shit about you right now. This is not the way to ascend into the higher ranks of society. Well, you know, you got to meet them to beat them, I guess.

45:08So this is a way to go and beat them. I mean, that's the same reason I volunteered to sell 10 cent hot dogs at the Diablos game one time. It's like, I'm going to meet those one percenters. Selling them 10 cent hot dogs. It didn't work. I was a waiter for the next 30 years. But anyway, so she's like, yeah, I do it all for the Perkins. And Jenna and her talk about how they how long they've been doing this jenna asked daisy how long she's been doing it and she's like i'm in my 13th year and she's like wow and then she tells us i'm not scrubbing toilets until i'm 30 what the fuck that's terrible so now we have batul who walks on the boat i really like her she's one of my my favorite newbies and um she says i'm turkish betul means virgin by the way uh yeah my parents like they try to tell me something you know and every time they call me it's like hey virgin hey virgin

46:08that's actually really funny and i yeah but by the way just back to the other thing jenna is going to get her ass handed to her and she deserves it how dare you shame somebody for actually having years and experience how dare you you get whatever you deserve but being called Like, hey, Virgin is very funny. Talk about an experience. But I, yeah, Jenna's going to be in. She's in for a rough awakening because she's rolling her eyes at Daisy, having had a 13-year career, which, by the way, as careers go, that's not that long. And she's like, oh, my God, 13 years. And she's, like, hoping to basically be discovered by some guy on the yacht who will then whisk her off to Paris and she can live this fabulous lifestyle.

46:50And it's just not going to happen. You're still to help. okay she's like dissing someone who's put 13 years of work in and is the star of a show for like the third season in a row so i don't know i'd watch you throwing the darts at young yeah all right exactly so batul says um i used to be muslim in a strict religious family and in our culture women are not seen on are not heard and it was pretty conservative but i lost my virginity when i was 23 and in our religion you must not do that it is a really big sin and i realized i I deserve to live a normal life, which is why I'm now going to put myself into a bubble and sail around in the remote part of the Caribbean back to the normal life.

47:33Yeah. And she's deck. And she talks about leaving her house and she left everything. And she's free. She is free. She's a strong, independent woman. So get me a chamois and a rope. I'm out. So then Eddie is asking how long she's been yachting. And she's got a few years. and he just started in May last year. So he's not been long and he's very insecure, which we find out later. So I expect some tears from Eddie. Yeah, he's like, yeah, I haven't been, I haven't been yachting for a very long time. And I'm sorry, do you mind if I just get a stool? It's just so awkward just looking at you from down below.

48:10But you look taller than me. No, stop saying that. You just, stop, stop. You don't have to laugh. I literally can see the boogers in your nose. Like I'm that much shorter than you. It's like, what are you talking about? I'm basically a penguin. so then um this is my favorite part because betu is named betu and she meets joao and she's like what he's like joao she's like donno and he's like no joao she's like oh true true i was like wow i love bet you making fun of joao so funny betu and joao betu joao so i was like oh betu That stands for virgin, right? Well, for such a virgin, I never thought you'd be such a slut.

48:51Sorry, just old Joao just came out out of nowhere. Sorry about that. Anyway, I've grown. I've grown. I've grown. I'm a different man now. I hope you don't mind that we call you Thunder Virgin. Thunder Cherry? Cherry Pop? No, I'll keep working on that. I'll workshop that. So here comes Alicia, and she comes on board, and she says hi to Captain Jason. She comes onto the boat through his office. And he's like, well, you couldn't come in the conventional way? She's like, Beanie reporting for duty. He's like, I don't get what Beanie means, but welcome back. Thanks for having me. Beanie is just the inside joke that I developed for us when I was skiing.

49:28I guess I forgot to tell you about it. But anyway, Beanie. I started calling myself Beanie when I was falling in love skiing and forgot all about what beans were what.

49:40And then someone said I was wearing a beanie that day. And I thought, oh, my goodness, I don't remember putting a bean on my head. but apparently that's a hat to use. There's so much to learn out there. Now you're going to meet the chef. Let me tell you this. He paid for an awesome blossom, and that's my kind of guy. So respect him, please, because he knows what he's doing. He's English. He's got good banter. And in that galley, I can see you're going to have a great vibe. You know why? Banter. And that's what's really important from chefs is banter. So go down there right now and check out the banter.

50:08Let me tell you what's waiting for you, a blanket full of banter. Cuddle up with it. Banter a bit. Say banter again. so Alicia's like this season being back in the galley just gives me a lot of anxiety to be honest because at the end of last season I had all the ambition to go to culinary school but instead I did the Claire Danes and Homeland procedure where they zapped my brain and now I actually don't even know how to cook an egg I've actually gotten worse and I was keen as mustard because you know mustard is so keen isn't it and when I finished last season and then my mom was like why are you going to culinary school come off it Alicia you're never going to be a chef Let's just do something that you're good at.

50:47So she pushed me down a hill and instead of tumbling like I normally do, my feet landed on skis and off I went. I really want to prove to my mum that I can do this. I'm starting with the frittata. So she introduces herself to Ben and he's like, Oh, hello, just getting to grips to this place. How are you, honey? She's like, Well, I'm not trained, but I am passionate. and he's like well we'll broaden your horizons a bit i reckon so she was honest uh and later he calls her out for this and says like she manipulated him somehow but i think she was pretty honest that's ben's fault for not understanding gen z language like that's gen z code for i watched a youtube video about this and i think this is going to be my life and you have to respect my boundaries on this so um yeah he he he's the one who messed that up however that being said, she did do a whole season as a sous chef last year and she seemed to be all right enough.

51:46I mean, her whole thing last season was that she was a space cadet, but she wasn't inept totally. She just was sort of like a basic cook, you know, Serena was a different, totally different chef. I mean, Ben's very much like, I've been cooking since I was four. Everything is perfect. You know, he's very, you know, your, your cuts have to be perfect, you know, and Serena was like rustic so just make it good you know and she was good she's a good chef but her style is just a lot more hippie style than his ben needs that douchebag sous chef that started last season who would put on his shirts in that weird way you know that that was crazy right is that that guy would have worked perfectly with ben ben would have fucking loved that guy and that guy would have respected ben not only because he's a man but because he's got that like arrogance and also because he has the penis, which is no, you know, small thing.

52:40Well, a hundred percent, that guy would, that guy responds to male arrogance very well. Like that would get him in line in a way that he would not, he would not respect female arrogance, which is his own, you know, duchery there. But they would have actually been quite good together in terms of. Yeah. And it was funny because that year started with a female chef being disrespected by the male chef and kind of being treated condescendingly and sexist Lee. And then it's reversed this year. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Interesting move. Hello there. This is a two part recap. Okay. This is the end of part one.

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