#3200 Below Deck Down Under S04E01 Part 2: Joseph Smith Down Under

0:20Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap Ends, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. This is part two of the recap. If you missed part one, go check out your podcast feed. It's right there. And without further ado, let's get right back into the recap. So now Jason calls for the preference sheet meeting. Charter one, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. And we hear the choir music.

0:49And then it comes to everybody looking terrified of the Real Housewives. Yeah. Jason's like, well, we've got Heather Gay and Whitney Rose and Meredith Marks and the whole cast. You know, I met Heather in Sydney once. We shook hands, and then she went and told everyone in the room that we just had sex. So I don't understand what that's all about, but just be prepared. She's doing that on this charter, actually. I met Heather in Sydney once. I had to meet me at an Outback Steakhouse. I ended up leaving her there. So this is going to be awkward. You know, they're used to ultra-quality, ultra-rich, luxury high standard.

1:23Just please put a stained mattress in Heather Gay's bed. That's what she's requested. They've been on yachts before. They've traveled the world. Blah, blah, blah. They're going to come from a place. They want good service. Etc. Get ready to make some sliders. I know. Since when did the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City equate to ultra rich luxury high standard? I mean, half the show takes place in a parking lot with dirty snow. There was a season where they were walking down the street in front of commercials in the opening. I mean, and everything takes place in, like, discount stores. Yeah, that's the lowest rent one.

1:58He's like, they've requested that we pull the boat over to a freeway shoulder so they can shoot a climactic scene.

2:09So they're all like, oh, my God, housewives, this is going to suck. And Daisy's like, the housewives are notorious for being over the top. They argue, they expect nice things. And she's like, somebody's going to storm off. somebody's gonna cry somebody's gonna throw a drink um and yeah i mean she's right yep so uh now it's what are you complaining about it's called enjoyable television daisy yeah okay that's right daisy so uh 23 hours until charter and uh ben and alexia at alicia sorry i imagine alexia is there oh well you know narcissism right i came here onto this boat to talk about narcissism get out That's my galley.

2:48I heard that it's a housewives. I heard that it's a housewives one. So I'm going to be here. That's right. I'm here. Like Miami never gets, you know, like no respect. So Ben says, he's talking to Alicia and he's like, the housewives are notoriously uproarious. And Alicia's like, but at least there's not too many of them. I'm like, it's literally like eight women coming on the phone, Alicia.

3:14um so now daisy's asking jenna how long she's been she's been here um two years on private boats and uh joe uh never has done a super yacht so the work is cut out the work is cut out for her and joe's we don't really have to pay too much attention to her because she's like i grew up in canada i was cool and she leaves in two seconds right isn't she the one who leaves yeah this is This is the five seconds of backstory we get from her, which is that she was from Canada and then she ran away to the Bahamas and she got a fake ID once and she partied. And that is the beginning and the end of Joe's entire arc.

3:53She also sold fake IDs, which I actually respect because that's hard. That's an art form. Making those things look real. It's not easy. Yeah. So Daisy's like, Mike is pretty green as well. And Mike is like, before I got here, I was learning origami swans. Like I was doing hospital corners. I was like, if you make the side of the bed look like a swan, I will oddly respect that. And I'll dig off into it. So she gives Jenna the second stew position because she's got more experience. But it's still not very much. And I'm worried for all of them. And Ben's like Do you think we should do crew dinner?

4:36I'll bust it out with you So here we go The first test, crew dinner Yeah And Daisy's like Does anyone know the real Housewives of Salt Lake City? Like yes It's our first charge of the season And I think it's going to be fun And Mike is like The Housewives of Salt Lake City To be honest, I don't mind myself a little cougar I just have been a little bit devilish having a flirt being a little naughty and cheeky. I'm here to provide a service. I'm here giving them good times, providing service. He's like, all right. Well, basically, whatever the gist is, whatever their guest wants, the guest gets.

5:11Okay? Get the guest what they want. So they're getting the boat ready. Mike's making small talk with Jenna as they make a bed. And they're talking about the housewives being crazy. And then Alicia is like, hey, you wanted the black beans, right? And he's like, yeah, I said we don't have any. She's like, all right, well, they're the same things. Can we use these black beans? And he's like, those are red beans. They literally say red. They're the color red. They're titled red. You know that he doesn't like her because if he liked her, he would have called her rabbit. But instead he called her goose.

5:47So good luck to you, Alicia. Wrong animal. And now Mike and Jen are still talking and Mike's already like, oh, so what's your type? Huh? What type do you usually go for? She's like, somebody older, not in yachting, never heard of hairspray. Back away. Back away. Someone who looks like they're walking on the ground, not falling to the ground. He's like, okay, well, I guess that's me out of the question. I feel like I should behave myself, to be honest. I can be a bit of a flirt. And she's like, I'm the same. Just not with you. Again, the hair, really distracting, really distracting. you know and he's like yeah having the opportunity to work on katina's a dex do definitely feels more in tune with my outgoing personality i'm an outgoing guy so he talks about joining the british royal navy straight out of college and uh he's an engineer and um he doesn't like working in an engine room because it's like a prison guys and it can get quite lonely boring and the last place he wants to be somewhere lonely and boring when he can be on the top deck entertaining the masses.

6:56Yeah. He's just going to go and he wants to be up there and he's like, I'm this little jack-in-the-box. I'm a jack-in-the-box. He's also not afraid to jack-in-the-box. And I'm just trying to get out and someone just let me, find me, discover me somewhere that's free. Let's not free, Willie, sir. I just looked at your Twitter. Keep your jack-in-the-box. This is a professional environment. That's right. That's right. So Jenna's like, oh 100 % I've always been the flirt like on the night out I'm always a flirt he's like oh you're getting free to drinks all night long huh so they laugh and then down the galley Ben is like so I see us working a little bit more together than how you were with what's her face and she's like Serena but what happens if I'm not good enough Uncle Ben he's like oh I'm not worried about it it's not a question of if you're not good enough you're already established as not good enough I mean red beans and black beans so simple So simple.

7:53I've had more sous chefs than I care to mention. A great sous chef can just handle the prep. They know how to cook really well. They stay out of my way. They love what I call them, honey. And if someone has standards, I actually quite like that. Because my priority is perfect food. So he's saying like, you know, I'll teach her. But, you know, she needs to be good. So then we go to Batu and Jenna. and Batuu's like, so what's her name? Jenna. And again, yours, Batuu. And she's like, beetroot, like the fruit. And I love Batuu goes, do you really think that do you really think that my name is beetroot?

8:37It's like, well, sorry. So what is your name? Virgin.

8:43But beetroot, that's so funny. Could you imagine? I literally think my name is beetroot. You idiot. You idiot. Oh my God. That cracked me up. I was like, I love this girl. She's already like out front as one of my favorites. So now it's time to get ready for bed at the end of day one. And Eddie and Mike are sharing a room and Mike is still talking about girls. Mike's, is it creep vibes? I don't, I think it's the hair. You know what? I need to just get over it because it's judging someone for something. It's like the hair bigotry and it's not fair, but right now I'm getting crazy. I think you're of all the things we can make fun of as a bad haircut.

9:25Like that is, that is the most intentional thing. Right. And we've already seen he's adjusted it. So that's, it's all he's already, he's already made it a little bit better. So I think go for it because the hair is just honestly too distracting. It's, it's just, it's wild. It looks like a, it looks like a Lotus flower, you know? And he's one of the love Island types who comes on and is immediately like, all right, Who are we hooking up with, guys? Who are you going to get? Who am I going to get? I'm with the girls. I'm working with the girls. I'm going to get one of the girls. Who are you going to get?

9:53So keep it in your pants, buddy. So he's asking Eddie his type. And Eddie's like, well, it's tough because I've been single now for years, you know. And he's like, okay. But say, for example, we're on a night out. You've got a chance. And he's like, with this lot? And he goes, yeah, with this lot. He's like, well, one of them called me beetroot already. God, that girl's really obsessed. All right, what would you typically go for? Let's talk about our boners. And he's like, well, I like Alicia. So Eddie does the math or Mike does the math. And he's like, well, there's five girls and there's four guys.

10:27So that means you're not getting laid. Not getting laid, Mike. Short guy always misses out. So Eddie tells us, growing up, I was really small. I was always the shortest at school. And for me, I was quite a late bloomer. So that just sucked. being at an all boys school where everyone's just like talking about like looking at me and, and I got, you know, I'm, I'm looking and I've got like the hair down. Everyone's got hair, but I'm like, I don't have hair yet. And I just struggle with body image a lot. Like I just, I just want to be a hairy tall person. But there was a moment that I was in rugby, rugby changing room.

11:02And I was just like, wow, look at all these guys. No one cares. They all have different shapes and sizes and hair. And now we're all having sex. It's exciting and thrilling. I was really insecure until one of the rugby guys slapped me in the face with his dong and told me to get the fuck over it and then farted in my face. So, you know, I've gotten a lot more confident in myself. And now I'm the first one who whips his tail off and gets in there like, whoa, I'm naked now. Yeah, rugby. I forget. Was Eddie, where was Eddie from? I don't remember if he was American or British or somewhere else. He was British.

11:39So Eddie's like, okay, so you're just going to screw the crew for the sake of a shag? Like, oh, yeah, yeah. All of a sudden, come with God, just go to bed. Leave me alone, you fucking sex pest. Yeah, seriously. So it's 8 a.m., five hours until the charter, and everyone's getting ready and everything. And we're in the galley, and Ben is observing that Alicia is making a frittata, which what could go wrong? I mean, frittatas are a little bit of a fraught experience, no matter what, even if you do know what you're doing. So Alicia going at it, you're like, the fact that they're already highlighting this on the show, we already know something's gonna go wrong right and it's not just a frittata it's a gigantic frittata right it's a crew it's a crew mess feed frittata it's too big everyone thinks eggs are so eggs are easy when you're cooking one or two or maybe three but a whole pan of frittata no it's hard it's hard guys big frittata is big danger it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial.

12:43Jason gets a voice text from Heather that's like, Hey Jason, the Sisterhood is boarding a charter plane. Hope you're ready for us. And keep your room open for late at night for when we fuck around. As in, just have a conversation. Keep your condoms ready. Heather Gay's on the way. I can't wait for you to be inside me with your wisdom.

13:10So now we cut back to Alicia making the frittata. And she's like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Oh, my God. Mommy was right. And Ben comes in. He's like, oh, my God. Is it burnt? What's happening in here? What happened? Did you burn it? She goes, well, it was burning but also not cooking through. So what does that mean? He's like, how the fuck did that happen? That's not exactly a great look at it, is it, honey? Listen, babe, we can't use stainless steel pans. All right, honey bun. You need to use a nonstick. All right, sugar tits. All right. With eggs, all right. Just get it in the trash. Just start over again, sweet pea.

13:43And for those wondering, Alicia, she flips the frittata out of the pan on a big platter. And, of course, like wet egg goes everywhere because somehow it is fully wet on the top but fully black on the bottom. I've never seen this. Like I know frittatas are hard, but I've never seen this kind of ineptitude around one. I think she was just putting all the mix in there and then just letting it sit there and thinking it would cook through when you've got to stir, stir, stir. right well yeah i think like also the stovetop frittata is a bit harder like you have to cover it or but or like it should be an oven thing like ben did but i don't know like she i think she had a high flame on or something or i just felt bad because she was like you know what i can do frittatas let's do that he's like okay if that's what you can do do a frittata she's like here we go, my master frittata.

14:33And then it's like, shit. Should have listened to my frittata. Just send that frittata down the ski slope. This is what we do. Put that in the care package and send it to your mom for Mother's Day. Just say, I should have listened, mom. And then in the middle of this frittata chaos, Alicia winds up burning her hand. She's like, now I've just burned my hand. Oh, all the plates are fucking hot. He's like, which ones? These ones. He's like, why are they hot? They were underneath. They were literally boiling. So we touch this one. He's like, oh, all right. It's not that bad. Take an avid. It'll get better.

15:11He's like, come on. We're doing this. She's like, I'm just going to use the toilet quickly. He's like, don't take too long, sweet, sweet face. Listen to me, ass, ass kinkle. Ass kinkle. So honey cankers, get in here, honey cankers.

15:33Seriously, though, he really needs to lighten up with his like sexist, you know, small talk in the kitchen. What the hell? Well, what's weird is that he's like actually trying to be lighthearted because he's he's sort of smiling and he's not because we know when Ben gets angry, he's like, come on. And he like throws a towel here. He's sort of smiling and trying to be like in his mind. He thinks he's actually being warm and paternal, but it just is creepy and condescending. Yeah. So now Alicia is crying in her room while everybody else is eating the breakfast that she kind of made. And she's like, I'm just so embarrassed, you know, because I'm insecure.

16:10And maybe I'm having an identity crisis because not going to culinary school was a huge mistake, you know. But mom persuaded me cooking wasn't for me. and I found myself in Whistler, Canada doing ski season, falling in love and just forgot about cooking. I've lost all sense of self. I need a career. I need a skill set. What am I doing? You know, you don't have to go to culinary school, but you could like cook. You could, you could go skiing during the day. And then at dinnertime, you could cook something for yourself. Like there's, there were ways to sort of keep your, you know, to feed your, literally feed your your interest in this but it sounds like she just started skiing and like did not even touch a kitchen for a year so uh i think they really liked her for the show and they were like okay well we've got everybody we need um but we like her just put let's have a sous chef like but we never have a sous chef just she's she's cute it'll be fine she's she's got a good personality just put her in there although she did replace that arrogant guy so but anyway i think they were just like we wanted her And she's like, well, I've cooked before.

17:16I have a microwave. And they're like, great. And so, you know, now we're seeing, you know, because by the end of the season last year, Serena was getting a lot of hate because, you know, she went a little loony in the kitchen. And now we're going to see the difference. Like, see what you had last year? You had nothing but pleasure last year compared to what you're about to get. Yeah, that's exactly right. So Daisy and Joe's bunk. And there's a phone that's ringing. keeps on ringing and ringing and ringing and people are getting into their whites and everyone's getting ready and there's lots of chaos and um eddie is talking to mike and he's saying how he saw that elisa was crying and mike's like why though eddie vizeman the only thing i heard is that she's banned her palm and eddie's like but i wonder if ben yelled at her he seems like kind of the guy who might do that zen one moment and then just like i don't know all chefs are just so scary that's one of the benefits of being short is when they throw a pan at your head it just goes right over it.

18:16So now it's 30 minutes till charter and the housewives are all getting in their van to go to the boat. And Joe's dad calls her and they speak in French and dun, dun, dun. She crouches on the ground and we found out. I don't know, man, it's dangerous. I worry if I was on a deck, a deck crew, I would be really worried about leaving my family because something every season happens to somebody's family member. It's like a weird lottery that happens on these boats. And it's like, oh, you're taking a job on a yacht? Good, enjoy the tips. We're killing your family. We're killing them. There is a bit of a morbid streak.

18:53But yeah, her grandfather is basically in the hospital and he wasn't doing well as it was. And yeah, things are bad. So she finds out, she's crying. And Daisy's like, are you okay, Joe? And Joe's like, I'm really sorry, but I need to go. What's happening? It's a family emergency. My grandfather's really sick. Daisy's like, do what you need to do to go home. That's okay. Because, you know, Daisy's seen her CV and sees that her only experience is working at a Hallmark store. She's like, get her out of here. Go be with your family. Yeah. And it just shows I could not be a manager. I just couldn't do it.

19:27I would be terrible. And I knew this working in restaurants. I had to kind of do it. Like I did head waiter stuff. We'd like have to train the waiters and stuff. And I would just be like, oh, my God. Because anything, I was like, that's just an excuse. But I broke my leg. I'm like, then get a roller skate. you know and i used to be that guy who was like i came in here after getting lasik i literally could not see which i couldn't and i was literally dropping plates onto people's heads it was not pretty but i went to work anyway and i'm like you should go to work anyway it's like your grandpa's and then she says like my grandpa was sick he had cancer he's ever you know he's had cancer for a while i'm like then why did you come to work in the first why did you take this job i'm just not sensitive enough to do it yeah i would fire myself as a manager because i have no sensitivity be like your grandpa it's not like it's your dad get back to work you say that you're actually so sensitive and that's what's so funny is that you're like i would be like whatever you were like the kindest and most sensitive person like hey oh you're so nice well but when it comes to work and stuff not with you you're literally always like babe it's okay so um but you know how people are different at work i mean we work together but we're you know we're friends it's different but i'm yeah i'm one of those people who's a little different when i'm waiting tables so daisy says i don't like seeing people upset i don't like seeing people upset i mean look at me daisy people pleaser and i don't like seeing people struggle dealing with family stuff unless they're just totally inept and they're no business being on the yacht in the first place in which case have a good flight home because that would crush me but at the same time we have a huge charts are coming up with the housewives coming we're fucked so you are but on the bright side housewives don't eat a lot and all they do is talk and throw things at each other so as long as you have fresh glasses of water you're fine and the thing is that like the housewives don't have to do the annoying flexes that the normies have to do on this show so like when you have a normie coming onto the show this is their moment to make a splash on America so they'll be like um could you make my bed okay uh wait can you okay sorry it's been two hours can you take the sheets off can you make it again you know what i would really need i need some gold leaf for my steak oh you know what else could i get could i get some clams casino could i get some crab legs could i get some truffles could they need to like they're like oh my god i need to like have this moment but the housewives are busy they have to they have to just do their show so they're busy with their own requests like their own they may request something to be ironed but they're not going to be like fussy the way someone with a teeny tiny window of fame is going to be they i mean they kind of are though because they they asked them to unpack them heather asked them to unpack them right i think it's heather yes and like lisa makes some requests but i'm saying that like there's some people who make the absolute craziest requests because it's like they're it's the first time that they've ever stepped into luxury yeah and they're acting these ladies spend the whole year trying to impress us with their money.

22:29So it's just like a run of the mill. They're more focused on each other, right? They're more focused on like one-upping each other than making a splash on Below Deck. Yeah, so Daisy tells the captain that that girl's leaving and they're just going to have to deal with it. So he announces to the crew that this is going to happen and they have to help each other and stuff like that. And now the housewives are here. And Angie's like, oh my God, it is so beautiful. We are in Greece. I am Greek. This is not Greek. It's not Greece. Look at this beautiful boat. I can't wait to puke on every inch of it.

23:04Yeah. So now they meet up with the ladies. Ladies, we're going to get you nice and well acquainted to the boat with Daisy. And we're going to cruise around for about an hour. And hopefully you get wet. I mean, we're going to get you in the water. Why did I say it like that? Heather's like, ooh, Captain Jason. did you notice that heather yelled out every single line she yells it and she's like horse because she's yelling she's totally horse yeah i noticed that her voice is like crackly and um uh because she's doing too much she's doing too much so now people are getting drinks and lisa's like oh my god i love a good greeting with a cocktail i love this is this vita tequila just kind of want to feed our tequila oh my god we're international now wow I only drink my own so now they're getting drinks and they're getting margarita shots and Brittany's like oh my god your name is Mike I love your accent I love it were you named after the phone the microphone no oh your name's just Mike wow so Jason just sing into your head

24:17it does look like it's something you know what his hair his hair sort of looks like a fuzzy mic those fuzzy ones you know that they use in the field or like a makeup brush right yeah you know yeah really there's so many it can go in some directions pumpkin it's like a hair pumpkin okay so jason um he checks in on joe he's like you're doing the wrong thing you got to remember that. And if you have any, if you're, if you're feeling alone, just think to yourself, Outback Stakehouse. If ever you miss this, just listen to that lady screaming. Heather's like, Oh, did you guys hear Captain Jason just said he was going to get me wet again?

25:02All right, ladies, I'm going to give you a tour. You ready? And there's only six of you. Wait, there's still one more coming alright well here we go that's a room that's a ceiling that's a floor congratulations you're on a boat who wants a pita and they're doing the fighting over rooms they're like oh my god he's gonna get this room he's gonna get that room she's like they're all the same the fucking idiots who cares because Daisy is like not used to the housewives tradition of running around a vacation space looking for a room So she's like, what are they doing? I don't fucking just taking rooms.

25:43Daisy, you are the boss. You've got to control these animals looking for rooms. She's like, all right, well, that's the sun deck there. And they're talking about the view. Daisy, this is fabulous. Oh, my God.

26:02Okay, wait, where's the active volcano? I heard there's a volcano. Does the volcano have Vita tequila? Is it a Vita Kano? Oh my God. That power classic flow is just tequila coming out of a mountain. I love that. I love it here. And then Brittany finds out she's got the last room, which seems great because everyone else has to share, but Bronwyn is missing, which means Brittany is going to have to share with Bronwyn. and dun dun dun. So now, Daisy tells Jason that Bronwyn's coming late and then it's time to leave the dock and Heather's like, throw those lines boys, the way you Captain Jason throws me around a bedroom.

26:44We're gonna get ready to set sail like the way that Captain Jason set his penis on my lady's sails. Yeah. Set sail like Jason set on my face

27:04Lift that anchor the way he lifted My butt cheeks up to get inside Yeah, I got freaky boys Down in the galley All right, now we're going to do guest lunch now We're going to do sliders I think we should do a really nice lobster salad She's like, okay So she's chopping a cucumber and he's like what is that uh it's a cucumber for what the salad did you cut it with a hammer are you galaga she's like no a chainsaw no hacksaw i could go all day there's a lot of instruments did you chew this up and spit it out onto the plate what did you do here honey did you throw it at a wall fan no well maybe yes ben's like that's all right babe okay it's just I don't know if we can use that.

27:54It's too rough. It looks like kibble now. When we do guest food, just kind of run it past me a little bit. Because, you know, we might put ourselves in a position where you do something I don't like. And then you kind of maybe, waste time? Yes. The red beans over there. If you could cut the way you finished my sentences in a terrible accent, then you'd be golden honey hips. All right, now listen. Get out of the way, the cucumber. So now Joao is telling everybody to set up. You know, everybody's getting ready hors d 'oeuvres, champagne, everything. And Brittany is talking about Jared, her loser boyfriend, for those of you who don't know.

28:33But everybody needs to respect him because he is cousins with Donnie and Marie. It's a big deal. It's a big deal. He's an Osmond. So she's like, well, guys, I mean, I could flirt with guys, but I'm not going to be into somebody that's not into me. You know what I mean? And they're like, Angie goes, but Jared's not into you, though. and you're still into him. You know, she should understand where her daughter's coming from now. I'm not going to be with someone who's not into me, right? Yeah, exactly. So then Jason's sending a text to his Norma, whose name is Shelly, asking for a new stew. And then down in the galley, Daisy's like, so what am I bringing up?

29:12Well, some smoked salmon, buttered crostini, super simple green olive tapenade, and ask them if they want some misshapen cucumber bits that sugar shoulders cut up the other day. Inform them of the bad news that a cucumber has been murdered, slaughtered, killed, crushed, destroyed, disseminated. Just tell them. Decimated, I meant, not disseminated. We won't disseminate that because it's terrible. It's awful goddamn work. All right, share.

29:40Out of the way, Maple Crotch. We got this foodie go upstairs.

29:49Jenna, we're training her like a cat. You know how you train a cat with spray bottles? We're training Brittany by throwing food at her. I mean, by throwing water on her. Because they just told Brittany, Brittany, if you talk about Jared one more time or say his name, we're going to throw water on you. I forgot about this. Yeah, so she says, like, well, you know, guys, Jared doesn't love me. And they're like, aha, we're throwing water on you. So they're all kind of throwing water on her, or at least Whitney and like three or four of them. Yeah. Three or four of them throw water on her. They pour a whole pitcher on Brittany.

30:25I totally forgot about this. Did we see those? Yeah. Meredith gets the whole picture. Oh yeah. You forgot about that. Yeah. I just forgot about it because there was, well, because what took up my brain space was the other water flowing that we saw later, which is the famous thing where Brittany throws the water at Meredith and Meredith puts her hand out like the matrix and like somehow blocks all the water from hitting her. So that was the preeminent water memory that I have. And I'll just say water five more times for people who like hearing my New York accent. So Bronwyn - And this was back in the fun days when Meredith was still being kind of nice to Brittany.

30:59Like she was pouring the water like in kind of a good natured way. And she's like, wasn't that fun? Look at us just being girls.

31:11Commercials. Here comes one right now.

31:17Bronwyn arrives at the island and she's in her silly kind of like yellow outfit with the inner tube stitched into it. She looks insane. And it's so funny seeing her out of context because on the show, we're used to it, you know. But I wonder what we would feel if we were watching this the first time. I think my instincts have always been right. I'm just like, no. I don't trust that person. I don't trust anybody who comes like on their own dressed in a pool floaty and then is all serious like you guys I'm just having a really rough time. That's why my. She arrives looking like Benny the cab. You know, swim lessons and she's very serious about it.

31:59But you're right out of context. It's so funny. And in the context of below deck, it just really looks so goofy. When you watch Salt Lake City, it's just like what what she's wearing, what they all wear. but in the context of below deck you realize how the real housewives do just kind of dress up in this crazy way because a lot of you know we've seen all these guests that always come on the boat and they always wear sort of the same kind of flowy outfits or certain kind of looks but the real housewives have definitely an aesthetic which by the way is a good segue to mention we forgot to mention and and to uh give a shout out um we were on the back row podcast which came out this, uh, this week with Amy O'Dell, who's a fashion writer.

32:41She's super insightful about fashion. She also wrote the book, uh, the, the Gwyneth Paltrow biopic. And I think she did one about Anna Wintour. Um, but we went on there and we talked about housewives fashion and how housewives have impacted fashion over the years. And it was really cool. So check out the back row podcasts because, uh, it's really all about this shit that we're talking about right now. yeah but bromwood's not a typical housewife i mean she dresses super crazy she dresses like hot dogs and stuff you know yeah um so she comes on she's looking crazy but i just love how serious she is she's like it was rough i've had a rough one i would i just took a 14 hour flight um dressed like an inner tube so that was interesting and um here i'm here i'm here i'm here uh so now joao is showing eddie how to drop the anchor and he's like when you're captain you know you you're looking for a solid right-hand man.

33:31And you can't have ice everywhere. And Joao knows how to run a ship. He knows how to run a charter. And he knows how to call himself Joao. Joao knows Joao. Joao has met Joao. Joao loves Joao. Joao has masturbated to the image of Joao in the mirror.

33:48In Zim. So Jason and Daisy, he asks her how the second suit is going. And she's saying it's going well. And Bronwyn is now on the boat. And Angie's like, by the way, I am Greek, but also getting seasick. Could someone get me some medication? Thank you very much. We have 30 seconds before I spew chunks all over this deck. Thank you. So Bronwyn, she just sort of arrives. She's talking to people. And Daisy tells us, if Katina crashes, we can climb onto Bronwyn. I swear to God, there's enough space on our hat for all of us. Oh, hearty, hearty. And now it's lunchtime. So Ben is staring down at the bowl of chopped lettuce.

34:29Well, she's pulling big romaine leaves off and then lining a bowl with them to look pretty, basically. And he's like, what are you doing? She's like, does it need to be bigger? And he's like, what? No, I mean, it's too big. Or are they supposed to eat gigantic leaves of lettuce? I did not think this was her worst infraction because you could definitely have a salad where it's like whole leaves and then you actually cut the leaves, you know? So this was not the worst, but she sort of arranged them in kind of a, like a, like an amateurish way. You know, she like was making a sun out of the lettuce leaves instead of being sort of like, like hips, like that hipster, like stack of leaves.

35:10That's just like, oh, I just threw this together because I'm, I'm a hipster, you know? I thought she was making like a bowl of lettuce that you, you serve the salad on top of. But I mean, I don't know. We never really got to it. He's like, well, take some of those leaves and chop them up so they could be, you know, salad. And then we'll put them on top. And then he's like, so dressing. She's like, I am dressed for the salad. I'm going to put dressing on the salad. Dressing. Come on, honey knees. We can do this. All right. Dress it. Dress it with dressing. He's like, oh, yeah. Okay. So she starts to like pour some onion stuff on the salad.

35:48He's like, no, no, no, no, no. Leave that. That's rendered bacon fat. Okay, thank you very much. So Bronwyn is getting settled into her room and Brittany shows her the famous unicorn that's like, oh, you are loved. You are loved. Good night, baby. And Bronwyn goes, um, I'm gonna throw that shit overboard, which was foreshadowing. Yeah. And then Angie's still getting sick and Heather is asking Jenna to help her find her nipple cover. She's lost it. Isn't that wacky? If anybody comes across a nipple cover, it's mine. Oh, my God. This is not community theater. I hear you. You have a microphone on.

36:31Well, there's a good chance it may have gotten stuck in the door. That's what snagged my nipple. And Lisa's like, I have a bag. It's a St. Lauren bag. Could you have that brought up? That would be great. And could you unpack us, please, and find my nipple cover? Is this a boat or a plane? They're like, oh my God, these women are making us crazy. By the way, unless it's still to come next week, how much did you love that they didn't even bother with the stupid cucumber situation? They did. I think that they showed that this week. I missed that. Yeah, they show one of the, I guess Jenna, unpacking the luggage and finding the cucumber and going, what the hell is this?

37:13Oh, I blocked it out. I obviously blocked it out. And by the way, it's so obvious now that Heather just like packed that in there to have that hilarious moment. Cause like, who's bringing a cucumber, right? Like, and if you're going to bring a sex, if you're, if you're going to bring something to help you masturbate, you're going to bring just like a proper sex toy. You're not going to bring a cucumber. That's going to get like, like that, that runs the risk of getting mushy in the, in the, in the, in the bag. I don't know. It was like so obviously like a Heather, this will be a hilarious moment and shows that I'm sexual and horny, horny for Captain Jason, my former lover.

37:51So Daisy is going crazy already. She's like, these women are unhinged. All these demands. We've got nipple covers. We're got to hold the drink request. Joe's gone. Mike's on deck. There's two of us. Eight of them. I cannot keep up. Like, what the actual fuck? And I remember when we were covering this episode, I was like, wow, Daisy is like the most stressed. uh chief we've ever we've seen you know because daisy is always like whenever you see her in this episode she's walking around or on the housewives version she's always walking around stressed out like all right radio radio radio lunch lunch lunch coming up lunch coming up oh my god lunch is coming up late she looks like her head's about to pop off and now we see why yes makes sense um lisa's like hi by the way could i get like some conditioner we need some conditioner for help Brittany's hair.

38:36It looks so bad. Yeah. Do you guys have some Dr. Pepper? The Dr. Pepper that I requested? Yeah. Dr. Pepper. Do you guys have some extra maraschino cherries? Yeah. Todd keeps on eating all of them. Do you guys? That's on my preference sheet. Yeah. Thank you. Can I have a seasick bracelet for me and for Anjay? Because she's getting sick. And the nipple cover has been found, everybody. Okay. And Heather's like, oh yeah, put it on me then. And she whips out her boob. And the girl's like, okay. Slaps it on her boob. Daisy radios for Mike to come help her in the galley. He's like, five star series coming right up.

39:10So the salad, the aforementioned salad is ready to go. And Daisy's like, is this the salad? It looks like a strange sunshine made out of lettuce leaves. He's like, yeah, well, you know what? If they don't like it, Alicia made that. And oh yeah, by the way, here's some chicken tenders. Five star service, high-end food, chicken tenders. Go get it. He says, looking at their preference sheet, All they really want is bar food. So there we go. Some sliders. So then they're being served. Angie's getting sicker and sicker. And Ben's like, so I need something to put on those chicken tedders, sweetie pie.

39:45Please, please, corn crotch. Do it for me. And she's like, do you want it in or on the tenders? And he's like, what? She goes, in or on the tenders? He's like, babe, stop it. Come on. God. Jeez. he's like he's like use the bowl whatever the fuck come on you know what I mean stop there stop there stop messing with me come on curry thighs get with it so Alicia's like I have no idea what's going on in Ben's brain it's like a squirrel that's on a red boot that's trying to organize one of those pantomime things you know what they call those dusts she means marionette you can't even say marionette Get your goddamn cake crack.

40:30Oh, I knew I should have gone to marionette school as a backup to culinary school. Mom told me I'd never be a good marionette person.

40:42She's like, I can't read your pen brain. He's like, I don't expect you to. But if I say put the food on something, you should understand that whether it's on or in, it just means a serving plate, darlings. Just do it. Okay, chop up a lemon, please. Actually, you know what? Maybe I'll do that because he's like medallions. and she's like, but what's a medallion? I'll do that. He has her cut a lemon into medallions and she cuts him into triangles. He's like, no, a medallion. I don't know what a medallion is. Why are you juggling the lemons? I don't know.

41:18Yeah, some of this I can kind of get. I can get where he's coming from. It's just how, it's just the honey and the babes. I'm like, come on now. So the chicken tenders are served and they love them. No one blinks an eye. They're like, wow, great. Chicken tenders. Perfect. Five-star service. Yes. So Heather asked Bronwyn, why did you come late, Bronwyn? She's like, I'm right in front of you and I can hear you. And a lot of stuff happened last week, as you might have heard, and that really upset Todd. And people keep trying to dig into my past. And there's some nasty things that I've come out in the press.

41:49And after I've hung out with this group, and I think that a lot of both of us are concerned that someone in this group is doing it. Nobody would do that here. Nobody. No one at all. Whatever. Oh, and then here's Jenna finding the cucumber. And then Bronwyn and Lisa start arguing over, you know, they start having their big fight. Like, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? Lisa's so defensive. Like, what do you mean somebody's doing this? You're saying it's me. I wouldn't do that. I never did that. What are you talking about? Why is everybody coming for me all the time? I didn't do anything.

42:20Like, I didn't do anything. I don't know. I don't know. You look pretty guilty. Like, I would convict you of murder at this point. Because you're acting pretty guilty. I was expecting the housewives to be very classy and modest. Like, you're all, can you take this for me, please, dear? But they just came on like Papa Notjobs. Like, yes, Mike, welcome to Bravo. So Lisa's like, what? Who fed it? Who fed my stuff? Who leaked it? Okay. Who was going to the blogs and the Salt Lake Tribune? They sound like a group from my local pub. I cracked up at that they sound like a group my local pub it's a fair assessment so now they have their big fight and they're like okay that was fun let's go swimming now everybody they just get everything so quickly and now Ben wants to make a cheesecake and Alicia's like oh I can make a cheesecake no problem he goes you can and she's like yep and he goes okay alright we'll be there together she goes okay see you in five dun dun dun Ben why are you letting Alicia make a cheesecake.

43:18She couldn't even cut the salad right. She couldn't cut the lemon right. She messed up the frittata. Why are you letting her do the cheesecake? We just know it's going to be a disaster. Speaking of disasters, Heather is riding on Jason's back on one of those skidoo things. I'm riding him like a fucking bronco! So then Ben and Alicia are setting up the cheesecake. He's like, alright, this is a traditional Tuscan cheesecake. That's 500 grams of Philadelphia, 500 grams of mascarpone, 200 grams of sugar, three eggs plus one yolk, zest of two oranges, and I'm right here for you, darling. And she's like, got it.

43:56Alright. Three broccoli heads, two eggs, one potato, and a piece of cardboard. Be right there. That's wrong amount of eggs. Oh, you said an iron. An iron. Alright. Why did you put nine in there god damn it so now um angie is barfing because she has finally gotten sick so she's barfing all over the place at least it's on the water and um eddie's like wow i'm all for angie having a throw up i mean get it out of you woman get it out and carry it on that's what short people are for dealing with your bath oh those total people they get to be so much higher away from all that puke but i will carry on with the burden that i have in life so um then ben is tasting the cheesecake while is boiling over on the on the stove top like bubbling over spilling onto the onto the floor and ben goes honey did you put any sugar in there and she's like in what in the cheesecake it's like no i i thought i just added the eggs in the yolk that's it's like yeah But okay, it's dessert, Han.

45:05Or dessert, they generally have sugar in them. Okay, so moving forward, we'll give you the recipe. Now, he did not mention sugar, did he? I'm going to go back to see what he listed. I mean, you shouldn't have to. Like, that should be a question. Like, hey. He does 200 grams of sugar. 200 grams of sugar. You're right. There it is. Oh, Alicia. I'm trying to stick up for you, Alicia. But it's difficult. So then Daisy radios the crew. The dinner's at 7.30. And Jason has to go to Angie's room because she's sick. So he brings her some ice and like kind of vacantly looks around like, all right, well, you're sick.

45:43Okay, can I go back to my room now? These people never stop requesting things. And then now they're cheersing outside, the ladies. And Heather's like, wow, this is the Good Times Girl victory tour. and then the galley Ben has moved on with the actual proper food so he sends up a burrata salad and marinara and then we cut back to Ben and Alicia Daisy brings the food up and he tells her he's like I'm just going to do the next thing I don't want any fuck ups because he's done his whole monologue about like what I've learned is that when someone says they have a passion for food they don't actually mean that they actually know how to make food and you have to Be very careful because they can trick you.

46:27They tricked me. Like, that's on you, honestly. If someone says that they're untrained but they have a passion, to me that means you don't know what you're doing at all. Yeah, and I can see how that would be frustrating for him because he's not necessarily there to teach somebody every step of the way. But it's not abnormal for a chef to be like, this is how I want my cuts on a cucumber. You know, this is like how I want my vegetables done. Do you know how to chiffonade? Like, you know, like kind of checking what they're doing. So it kind of is on him. Right. But I think he's also, he's like realizing, oh, the producers have set me up here.

47:03They put someone who has no skill whatsoever to get a rise out of me in the, in the kitchen. And I'm just going to push her to the side at this point. Yeah. So, um, Heather is upstairs. Heather's like, we miss Angie and Mary's commentary. Cause they're having dinner in their bed. Yeah. This is them. This is them having dinner. Oh, that's, that is upstairs. I'm sorry. You said upstairs. And I, for some reason I thought like, they're in their bedroom well higher upstairs the bedroom is upstairs and we're going even high we're going all the way on top i don't even know why interjected so she's like yeah we miss mary's commentary and britney's like i don't miss mary's commentary she's like britney we have a rule when you shit talk they have to be right in front of you well there's other people at this table that you're mad at that you're not saying something about because there's been people who do some shit talk behind the backs.

47:54Lisa, she says that you big sister her and she doesn't want your advice and it's bullshit, okay? And Meredith, she says that you pretend to have seizures and go to a level 100 and it's bullshit. She doesn't believe anything that comes out of your eyes. There we go. Drop the bomb. I have never had a seizure in my life. First of all. And second of all, I know people who have had seizures, including my son. And now you're attacking my son's seizure disability and coming for my son. Way to abuse a child, Brittany. Way to abuse a child. I find that to be despicable. So then Alicia's like, Interior, interior, Gary needs to know whether or not we should take place.

48:39No, they're fighting about seizures. Everything's up in the air. I don't have an answer for you right now. So the women are starting to fight. They're starting to have their first major fight of their experience that we all know. I love this part because Meredith is like, my child had seizures. And Brittany goes, well, my child. And she goes, I don't care. I like that Brittany's going to try and one-up the seizure story with her own child. And Ben is very upset because he's trying to get the food out because the timing matters. And Brittany's like, but this is the seizure that I'm talking about.

49:13See, you're doing the seizure. Stop saying seizure, Brittany. Stop saying it. Seizure, seizure. You know what? I've had enough. I'm throwing water at you. All right, I'm going to throw water back at you. Halt! I halted the water back on you. I'm Robert, you're glue. Did she actually throw the glass? Because it happened so quickly, but we see a broken glass on the table. So, is that from this? Oh, maybe, um, maybe, maybe Brittany's, I don't know. You know what? I don't know. So, um. Obviously, one of those glasses broke. They're stressing out in the kitchen. They're fighting up here. They're having to vacuum around these housewives fighting.

49:52And there was one point where they were throwing water at each other. And Jenna just comes by and goes, it's okay. We'll get you some more water. Not even like, I won't get you a towel or anything like that. We'll get you some more water. While they're fighting about seizures, everything's up in the air. Everyone, come on. I don't know when they're going to stop eating. Fucking insane. Absolutely insane. First meal of the charter. and the guys are already killing each other. These bitches are next level. I am over this. Yeah, pretty fun. God, these housewives are real torturers, man. Jeez. Yeah, I can only imagine what it must be like to actually work on the crew of some of these shows.

50:32Yikes. Fun for us. Fun for us. All right, thanks for being with us, everybody. This was a long one, eh? Jeez. Thanks for being here, and we'll talk to you next time. Get your tickets for the Golden Crappies. February 27th over at WatchWhatCrapins.com and join us for live voting beginning tomorrow, Wednesday. We'll talk to you next time. Bye, guys. Bye. Watch What Crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. It's always a party on Alison Block. Our way is the Amber way. It's the Foster and the Furious. It's Amanda Foster. It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto.

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