#3304 The Valley S3E02 Part One: Troubled Relationsnips

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1:28Ronnie Karam: Watch What Crappens Hello, Benoony Toons. Hi, how are you? Good. You know why? Why? Because I have my best friend, little tiny Ben to hang out with today. Oh, hi, I'm tiny little Ben. Oh, look at me. I'm a little tiny Ben head. I have this little tiny Ben head on my desk that our friend Colleen made us. And it just sits here on my desk and stares at me every day. It cracks me up. Whenever I'm like, what would Ben do? I just ask tiny Ben. And he tells me. Oh. And he's like, don't do that, Ronnie. Don't put that into your nose. Your nose is for breathing. I'm like, okay, man. You know what I have?

2:08Ronnie Karam: I'm not doing that. I have a little baby in my arms because it's the valley. Everyone gets a baby. What else would we have? Everybody hold a baby. Jesus, this was so many babies. There were babies everywhere. Poop and scream and slug. They're all over the place, you guys. It's an epidemic, baby. It's out of control. the number of babies. My God, don't put your penis into people, okay? Don't let penises inside of you because this is what happens. Little babies everywhere. You can't even fuck a pool boy with freedom anymore because you got to take care of the baby. Everyone, welcome to the Valley Day.

2:47Ronnie Karam: If you want this recap on Vidya or you want our bonus episodes, this week is a preview of In the City, which was really funny. Last week was a recap of Survivor, which was also super fun. You also get ad-free listening. You also get a weekly free TV blog making fun of all these shows written by moi. And you get, I mean, all sorts of shit. Just go over to Patreon already. My God. Some people were asking via email this week. They were like, oh, I like Patreon, but I like the ad-free listening, but I would rather listen on Spotify. All you have to do is add it to your Spotify. Add free listening to your Spotify and boom, you get ad free listening in your Spotify or whatever app you listen to.

3:33Ronnie Karam: You can do that within Patreon. So do that. When you sign up, sign up on the computer, not on your iPhone. Because when you sign up on the app, you get charged more money. So if you want it cheaper, do it on your computer browser. Okay, there's your Patreon tips and tricks for the day. Today, we are talking Bavali Season 3 Episode 2. Snip, snip. yeah snip snip welcome to the valley of the babies and valley of depressing fucking people you got two men on here trying to pressure their women into having sex after they've just dropped baby i mean the guys on this show are really notoriously just disgusting really the best one is jason and unfortunately you know i guess one half of the couple has to suck in order to be on this show i'm not sure what it is but damn honestly um the guys are now gonna find out the hard way what's gonna happen now that their alpha um like both their alpha and their alpha villain is gone because now bravo has to give a bad edit to someone and i think that bravo is interested in not giving jess jesse the villain edit i don't think they're giving jesse villain energy this year i think jesse is just sort of like mid-pack almost getting a nice edit and i think that um Danny and Luke, but I think Danny's going to get a bad edit this year.

4:54I think it's been sort of, it's been bubbling under the surface and Danny and Nia have been like the golden children and I think this season might not be great for him. I'm just sort of hitting those vibes.

5:05Ronnie Karam: Do you think last season was great for him? Well, I do think last season was. Here's the thing. I think that he could have had a much worse edit last season than what he was given. Considering what the whole discourse around him was, I think the edit around him was like he's like this like a nice guy who is releasing steam and maybe lost a little bit of control I think that was the vibe of his edit and it could have been significantly worse but part of me wonders is this the year that Bravo says okay we gave you a pass now we get ready we don't have Jax anymore so we gotta villainize some guy well he's earning it in my book I mean my god the pressuring on Nia and then like sitting there laughing while she's about to break down after he's forced her into fucking Santa Clarita where she feels like a prisoner and she wants to just, you know, crawl under a rock or whatever.

5:57Ronnie Karam: And he's just like, well, when are you going to start banging me again? I mean, just gross. Gross. So he deserves any he deserves any edit that he gets. And so does this fucking guy. You know, I've never liked Luke. Kristen's Luke. Everyone's like, Luke's so nice. Luke's a creep. okay luke is a creepy little fucking guy i've never liked that guy and he is really being gross in this episode he's really bugging me and you know what i don't care whether or not i just dropped a baby don't pressure me to fuck luke gross yeah yeah luke luke had a good season last year he had a good edit last year but this year oh i just think it's so tiresome you know here is Kristen, who is, you know, breastfeeding your, your baby, who is going through all these things, who's had to undergo all the physical pressures and, and whatever the, what all the, I don't want to say consequences, but like what, you know, her body's had to change.

6:58She's had to go through things. She's had to go through surgery, all this stuff she's doing with so much. And the last thing that she needs to deal with is you being like, well, we need to have sex. We need to have sex. You know what? It's called some Luboderm and your fist. Okay? Get to work.

7:12Ronnie Karam: Jerk off. For Christ's sake. I mean, for such a jerk off, you'd think you'd know how to do it. You know what I mean? Go jerk off like everybody else, you fucking weirdo. Just take care of it. It's just so pale and like, let me stick it in you all day. It's like, get out of here. I also hate that this is actually more of his priority. than, I don't know, trying to help Kristen transition back into just normal patterns. You know, last week, Kristen was saying how she hasn't really left the house more than once over several weeks. And I feel like if I were him, my concern would be like, hey, like, let's normalize going out of the house with the baby.

8:01Let's normalize like being okay with all that stuff. but his concern, his primary concern is getting laid right now. And I just think it's just so typically male. And we've seen this so many times on these shows, so many times on these shows. And it's like, it's just so obnoxious. God, we're just like a terrible specimen, aren't we? Yes.

8:24Ronnie Karam: Yes, we are. And you know, a lot of times people think, oh, they're just bagging out straight guys. No, gay guys are not immune. from guys are guys. Okay. We're shit too. Yeah. Yeah. We're terrible. We're terrible. And we're trying to get it from within the house. Okay. You know, like this is, I'm sorry, but Luke just sitting there the way that it's one thing if Luke, you know, asks and she's like, no, but the fact that he's having serious talks, like we need to talk about this. We need to discuss this. Like she's, Kristen's got enough on her mind. Okay. She's probably navigating some sort of postpartum, she's navigating a whole like like the stress of of taking care of a baby and like she just doesn't need you adding this on top of her heap of psychological things she's also just navigating being kristen which is a lot even before there was a baby seriously a lot to navigate kristen dote yeah it is it is a lot i mean kristen just being kristen you're right that is just standing up so many curbs to trip over you know what i mean so many fleetwood mac lyrics to still learn

9:33Ronnie Karam: all right so let's get going we are at danny and nia's depressing little box on the hillside little boxes on the hillside little boxes full of ticky tacky little boxes on the hillside and they all look just the same daniel have you seen the commercial that uses that song i have but what is that they make it so happy they're like whoa you're we're not just anybody If you want an original car, get a Kia or something like that. Okay. But they're using. Mind your words. Okay. Well, I'm not dissing the Kia. Don't bring Kios into this. I'm just getting that in there so you can diss where I live for the rest of the episode.

10:15That's true. I have the suburban car. So I have like a piece of the valley here. I live in the valley, but you drive the valley car.

10:22Ronnie Karam: Yeah, that's true. I do. But I'm kidding. I don't mind Kios. I mean, I think they're very pretty cars. But I think it is a Kia commercial or something like that. And they're like, little boxes on the hillside. And they make it like a rock song. They're like, little boxes on the hillside. I don't know who came up with that, but I love hearing it again, guys. So thanks, Kia. Yeah. Little bitches on the hillside. Little bitches, little bitches, bitches. Little bitches on the hillside. And that's my opinion. So Nia and Danny and Asha, they're all in the backyard pool. That's nice that they have a pool, you know, upsides.

10:59And then Asher's like, dad, do your funny thing. And he like flops down into the pool because he's like, he's very, very dad-like. And so he does a lot of dad things like that.

11:10Ronnie Karam: And so - The only reason I've ever wanted a kid is for the audience because they laugh at literally anything. That's why I love kids because they will laugh at like the dumbest thing. And I'm like, I got to laugh today, you know, and I can go on with my day. I would have kids until they stopped laughing at my jokes and then ship them off and then just have more kids. Um, I'm going to push back on that. I don't think children often laugh when I make witticisms about Linda Fiorentino. Well, we have different humor. My humor relies on like funny faces and fart noises. And your humor relies on like advanced human instinct and like intellect that I don't possess.

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14:51Ronnie Karam: That's an additional 20 % off better plants and better growing at fastgrowingtrees.com using the code CRAPPINS at checkout. Fastgrowingtrees.com, code CRAPPINS. Now is the perfect time to plant. Let's grow together. Use CRAPPINS to save today. Offer is valid for limited time. Terms and conditions apply. So now we go to Tom's townhouse. Tom is a friend of. Why is he getting... Is he a friend of or is he in the main cast? I forget. I think he's main. I think he's a main cast. Oh, yeah. I think he is main cast. By the way, I'm going to say this as well before we get any farther. You know, I think that we as an audience sometimes just we need to all just shut up because everyone was so mad about Lala, Tom, and Sheena.

15:38And I'm not taking that away. I think that's valid. Everyone was so mad. But we basically shooed Sheena away. And I think that we should not have shooed Sheena away. I think as long as Lala and Tom are here, I think Sheena should have been in the mix. And the reason why is because this show could use a little bit of an injection of campiness. And Sheena is that person to come by and say something stupid and do something blatantly obvious for camera time and to elevate her position. And then she can excuse it by saying she's a people person. I just think this show could use a little bit of that.

16:13And I, I don't know. I found myself kind of like missing Sheena in these group scenes.

16:18Ronnie Karam: I agree that if they're going to do it, like if they're going to bring some Vanderpump people in, it needs to be, just do it. Just bring, just bring all the desperados in. I would just not have brought anybody in. I would have brought in another fucked up couple from the Valley because they need another, they need another truly fucked up couple to kind of round, it out because these couples no one wants to talk to janet you know so that's not working it's not working right now the current configuration is not working i don't know what they're going to need to do but it's just not there's nothing maybe like it's not good maybe the thought was okay we're going to cast lala because the cast is divided and someone like lala will be able to bring people together whereas a new group like a new couple may be unsure about their place and may not try to bring the group together.

17:09So I understand that. But I agree. I kind of think they should have just, you know, brought in new talent, brought in new faces. I mean, we get new faces, but I mean, new actual humans along with the faces. So Tom is like, Lala's a uniter.

17:23Ronnie Karam: Sorry, I just had to push back on that one. When has Lala ever been a uniter? It's 2026. Nothing makes sense anymore. Lala's not a uniter, but she doesn't, she would not be afraid if a producer said you have to make them talk together or she would not be afraid to jump into the flame. Right, she can do the producer dirty work for sure, which she's already showing today. So yeah, we go to Tom's house and he's with his brother, his little brother. I need all the brothers here. I need like all three of them. Aren't they triplets? I think there's about six of those twins, yeah. Yeah, well, one of the brothers is not doing well, right?

18:03One of them had a rough go. So remember, I think Tom mentioned that on Better From Rules, like his brother got jumped and then was like traumatized and turned to drinking and ugh. So yeah, so I don't know what's going on with those triplets these days, but now we go to Kristen and Luke's house and - Well, it's because you can't be a triplet

18:22Ronnie Karam: and then just show up yourself on TV because you're a triplet. That's the thing. And I feel sorry. I'm sorry if you're a triplet because I know there are triplets out there like, but I'm my own person. That's great in your own life. But like, I know you as triplets and I can't just see one of you. Because then I'm like, but do you feel like you've been cut off from another album? You know what I mean? I'm worried about you. If I buy a ticket to the triplets of Belleville, I better see all three older women on their bicycles. Exactly. I don't want one seat empty because someone's going through a rough time.

18:53Ronnie Karam: You need to all be here or none of you. Get there. Get there. I don't care how you get here. Just get here if you can, triplets. Yeah. That's the Alita Adams song. She literally sang that to triplets. Yeah, that's specifically for that. So then Kristen in Luke's house, Kristen is asking Luke how he's feeling. And she's like, how are you feeling? He's like, about what? She goes, about what? I don't know. I don't know, life or... Sip and see was really fun. I was sort of expecting you to drive the conversation right now. Caw-caw. He's like, well, I'll be honest. I didn't see Schwartz and Michelle getting flirty on my bingo card.

19:31It's like, oh, so they were flirty? It's like, yeah, they agree to have like a night out in WeHo. So, wow. Yeah, it's like, oh, I want to be a fly on that wall. Hey, fly. By the way, there's no flies want to be on that wall. All the flies would like, there's literally so many better walls in West Hollywood to be on as a fly. The worst wall, this is like the Olympics. Like when you get the ticket lottery and you're excited to go to buy a ticket to gymnastics and you finally get in and the gymnastics is all sold out. So next thing you know, you are like doing, buying a ticket to, you know, dressage, which is not unlike my experience.

20:17Like you're just a fly that got the shit lottery. If the wall you wind up on is watching Michelle Lolly and Tom Schwartz together.

20:24Ronnie Karam: together. The only flies who have it worse are the surf flies because there are actually flies on those walls and they're like, do you think we want to be here? We don't. We would rather be somewhere else. Just clean the walls. I mean, it's been 20 years. Can we clean the walls? Clean them. So Luke, Kristen's like, so what does Jesse think? Does he care? I like, I want to be a fly on that wall. Caca. Caca buzz. But this group is so weird. I can't imagine. I can't believe we have to go to another party tomorrow. Like while I was talking to Nia and I, and obviously about like jenna coming and i was just like why is this even a conversation i'm not interested in conversing with janet i'm going on a one-year-old's birthday party okay wrong place wrong day wrong time wrong wall for the fly so he's feeding the baby and she's like wow you're feeding a baby wow and he's like yeah i'm really patient but and i don't want to push it kristin but like you know we've been neglecting my penis in this relationship you know and like we haven't had any time without her around look at her she's ready for college like i haven't even seen you in 20 years the baby is five minutes old luke okay yeah it's five minutes old he's like yeah but like can't we like you know go out and like fuck somewhere or like maybe we could have a night in and like have her at like britney's house or like have a babysitter when we go out and maybe we could fuck out of the house i don't care just fuck me somewhere please please just fuck me how about luke you like at least try to seem appealing to Kristen right now because he's like slouched down on the sofa.

21:51It's one of those things where his entire back is on the sofa and his head is propped up on the pillow. And he's wearing some janky-ass shirt. Could you at least try to make yourself... Just try to give her a lady boner if you're going to ask her to have sex with you, please. That's the thing.

22:06Ronnie Karam: Instead of begging people to have sex with you, why don't you make them want to have sex with you? Yes. Do something. Grow it up. Start working out. Well, actually, I wouldn't suggest starting to work out because I don't think people like that when they've just had a baby and then their husband starts going to the gym all the time because that usually means they're cheating. But it's also like, look at me. I'm spending even more time now out of the house while you're stuck home with a baby. And I have the freedom to like go. So don't do that. But like don't do that. Glow up or like do things for her, you know, maybe.

22:37Ronnie Karam: Yeah. Do you like like. Crystal, Mike, you know, my fourth trimester. ended like literally two days ago, which is ironic because trimester inherently means three things, not four, but you know what I'm saying? And I'm just like, not like date night. Like I just, it's whatever. Like, just like, I'm just like not ready for date night. I'm not going to give her to babysitter. Like life is back to normal. It just doesn't work that way. It's like, well, you know that like intimacy has been an issue for us. And I'd like to start moving in the direction of getting back to our old sex life. Like shut up, bro.

23:12Ronnie Karam: She knows it's not about date night. It's just about fucking, you know. I think if he was really like, listen, why don't we make an effort, you and I, to both interview people who we would be able to trust, who could come over maybe for a couple of hours to babysit. You know, we'll start with like one hour and then we'll go to two hours and I could just take you to our favorite restaurant. Or, you know, he's not doing that. He's just like, I want to fuck you. I want to fuck you right fucking now, you know. And so she's like, you want me to be honest? I hate that idea. Like, I'm so attached to her still.

23:43Ronnie Karam: I'm just so attached to her. And she says, you know, she understands. And her therapist told her, what is 15 minutes out of your day, Kristen? Oh, really? Here's what I would say. You know what an hour of my day is like? Free now because you're fucking fired. The fuck out of here, what is 15 days like? What kind of therapist are you? I just dropped a fucking baby out of me. yeah yeah i don't i don't think so um so luke is sorry i just started to imagine when you said like they should be talking about like interviewing nannies and i was kind of imagining like that they have like a that they have like nanny tryouts and then like a girl shows up with like a groucho marks mustache on she's like hi my name is kina i'm here to take a look after your baby and on her assistant a flock um dirty diapers just flocking kina but it's just it's actually it's just brock dresses mrs doubtfire yeah i'm her mother the flock no i think if they're gonna have like nanny interviews you have to do it in a way that's gonna really get interesting for kristin like she has to be able to be interested in it so you should hire people you should bring people in to interview and then give Kristen like the FBI most wanted website and let her do searches.

25:06Ronnie Karam: You know, pay the$20 a month for one of those sites where you can search everybody's details. Because, you know, Kristen loves accusing people of crime stuff. It's not what I was expecting. just let Kristen go crazy on everybody and be like, oh, I'm, you know, until she finds one that she can find nothing on. And that I think would make, it would both be fun for her. It would go to an old pastime and it would also just make her feel more secure. I think she would love something like that. I think Kristen would make a great CBS procedural called the nanny finder. And she's like, my job is to find a nanny for you and I'm going to go to the bottom of it.

25:48So she calls in the nanny, the nanny is like I love taking care of babies it's what I've always been doing ever since I moved from Arizona when I've been in Arizona nothing I care to share about and then the next hour is her like going to Arizona investigating the nanny's background it turns out the nanny is like running from the law and yada yada well we found this out you're running from the law Carla or is that even your real name Marissa oh my god I'm so sorry I'm going back to Arizona like that would be the whole hour

26:14Ronnie Karam: exactly I think it'd be a huge hit I'm in so it looks like but we need to get back in the motion because happy parents make happy babies oh my god you're not making well i guess like yes you should have a happy family but also like again just jerk off watch some porn and jerk off and making mommy miserable by pressuring her into having sex when she's not ready yet isn't making a happy parent though luke you know what i mean and kristen's like well i mean i just i mean i feel like we shipped my friends my baby off to my friend's house we can fuck and you know she's i get what she's saying like she's attached this and that and he he's probably thinking like well we don't have to ship the baby off to fuck we could just put the baby down to go to sleep and fuck while the baby's sleeping but at the same time it's like you know that's not the point luke like she's ready when she's ready and you don't make it any easier with pressuring her anyway that's enough that's enough of that i'm just repeating myself but yikes he sucks um now we go over to britney's house zach's zach comes over and uh britney's like oh hi jack i mean the sensory room come look and she's basically turned this room into a sensory room for cruise which is actually super cool all these different like things to look at and feel and move and hear and whatever which will calm calm cruise down uh if he's if he's ever feeling overwhelmed by by something and then um well she had that with jacks but i mean you like reach out and then you you could feel like you know a stripper's thong on the ground or like what is this powdery substance that's making my eyes water on the other wall you know what is this crust on the couch it's like i feel calm now i feel calm um so this is like a sensory room but like appropriate so it's like wow this is so cool yeah i recently changed crazy's playroom into sensory room yeah so he can regulate his feelings and stuff like basically everything they would have an ot i have here as well and of course the trampoline he's like wow drunk suck would love that yeah Yeah, I feel like John Zach's going to be in there also playing around with the sensory room.

28:33Yeah. So, you know, they're like playing with Cruz and everything. It's very sweet. And Cruz says his name. It's just cute. Yeah, which is very lovely. Zach. Zach. Did you say did you say Zach? He's like, I did. He's like, oh my god. Oh well.

28:51Ronnie Karam: Did he just say I did? He's like, yes. I wonder I wonder, you know, how much Cruz says that Britney just doesn't understand because she's Britney, you know, like she just doesn't get it. Cruz is probably sitting there like, mother, today I would love to go for a lovely stroll in the park and I'd love to catch that Oscar nominated film that's been re-released at the Lumley. She's like, what? Did you say pop talk? Oh, look around for it. She's like, Britney, you're stupid to understand. I'll put some sunglasses on Kingsley. Hold on one second. Did you say something? but it's actually very sweet.

29:30It's very lovely. It is. He's a cute kid. And it's cute seeing how much he loves Zach. It really is. And I was actually really happy for Brittany. Like those are special moments. And you could see she was really like, she was really kind of floored. So Brittany's like, so Binge just got back into town. How's that? And Zach's like, well, Binge's of course, like just happy to be back. And like, we just need to apply for a different type of visa. oh like an amazon visa one of those things get points back when you buy books you know that's pretty cool it's like you get the points you get those meal rewards you know when you go to buffalo wild wings you get like you get like one free wing because the good you get the buffalo wild

30:11Ronnie Karam: wings visa is that what you're going for benji is like the perfect compliment because like i allow him to be himself and he allows me to be myself so you know i want to be with that guy forever like i'm thinking about it like do y 'all talk about kids y 'all talk about kids like why would we like who gossips about children that's so weird yeah that's fucking non-negotiable

30:40Ronnie Karam: sometimes i talk about janet's kid but that's like i shouldn't say that out loud it's rude so he's talking about um by the way something that like i did have a hard time with you know i generally really like zach but at one point he's he did say um something about like how like uh he used the word his self and by word i mean in quotes instead of himself and one of my pet pieces when people say his self instead of himself zach how could you do this to me i just i'm putting i I needed to avoid that because I know there's someone else out there who heard him say his self and was like, so he's talking about surrogacy and it's expensive.

31:22And he's like, you know, it's not that I don't want kids. It's just that I would actually rather throw myself into the LA River than have kids. That's it. But I would absolutely be so happy if we had them, you know, because someone could fish me out of there. It's okay. I mean, I just never saw myself as having kids. I saw myself going to the white party in Palm Springs for the rest of my life until I was 68 years old. So I don't know. I'm just like kind of dealing with this right now, Brittany. I'm not sure what to do.

31:50Ronnie Karam: Yeah, I think if you don't want kids, you should not have kids. Period. Yep. Don't put the kid through that. Period. So it's like, well, let's change topics because, you know what, speaking of that, like I'm really worried because, you know what, I haven't met Brandon yet. Hold on, let me squint my eyes at you. but um i know you guys just got back from cabo and you know it's so nice to see you smiling and happy but you know what you know if we're being honest sexually satisfied but that's great and stuff but don't you think you're moving too fast it's like no i mean like maybe it feels like we're moving faster because i've known him for so long you know because i knew him before then i knew him after you know so you know maybe maybe it's just because we could just get right into that but you know what i'm focusing on me and i mean i like him he makes me feel good he's a good person we're fun together and uh she's just how could you even say that we're moving too fast we're sitting on a couch okay we're not even moving at all what are you talking about crazy but he has two baby mamas i was like oh god britney britney come on she's like yeah well you know the good thing is he told me everything well yeah how is he gonna not tell you that britney oh my god that's the number one trap Brittany's been treated that badly that she's like well at least you told me that he had two baby mamas and three children like yeah you're dating him the trap is thinking that honesty means quality honesty means goodness just because he's honest doesn't mean anything it's sort of that thing where if you're arguing with someone you sort of concede a minor point so that way people think that you're listening to them and so he's giving he's throwing you a bone by being like oh i'm gonna i'm gonna bear my flaws i'm gonna bear my issues but like that doesn't mean that he's like not gonna have jack's like patterns and so she's like no he's you know he here's the thing he's not confrontational at all so he's not like jack's at all and zach is like um britney why why can't you see this for what it is he has three kids by two different women drama with both he doesn't even live here i'm sorry this is a recipe for disaster and like that's bad like it's it's also like you can have two different baby mamas but the fact that he has baby mom two different baby mamas and drama with both yeah i mean the movie poster is there for reasons supposed to tell you what's happening okay when you buy the ticket that's right that's why books have covers judge them yeah judge them and i think he's got a point here so um he's like so zach's like you know i'm talking about you know like the personality that's able to manipulate you and captivate you and pull you in and you know it's like that's why i like him you know he asked me to be his girlfriend and i was like i'm not ready for that just yeah he's like okay well you know ever since you've known each other you know you're in a relationship relationship you're in the or ever since i've known you you're in this relationship you're in that relationship then you're in another relationship and she's like but i've been single for almost two years now like he's like no absolutely not that there was the people that were there like you're still rebounding you're rebounding you're just like missing that shot like a lot girl it's like the denial you have is insane because it is crazy that she just called herself single for two years you've not been single you've either been with jacks or you've banging this guy or you've had like one or two hookups but like single this is not single oh drives me nuts so she goes well he's just coming out a little aggressive because i literally just came out of a very controlling relationship and i do not want any man to try to fill that space so just like back off let me try to just let me live like okay now you're gonna villainize zach when he's giving you truly the best best advice right now and he's being so clear about it and you know we're going to see later on that she's already going to start like turning, like trying to turn the tide against him.

35:57Ronnie Karam: Well, that's how Brittany rolls though. And we saw it on Vanderpump Rules with her relationship with Jax. She starts dating this absolute monster and a loser. And everybody's telling her that this man is a monster and a loser. She didn't care. And she villainized anybody who said it and anybody who didn't jump on her side, she tried to get rid of along with Jax and look what happened. So she's going to just do the same exact thing to somebody else. You know, Brittany gets off a lot because Jax is such a monster. And Brittany seems like such a sweetheart because she's got this big smile. And I think, you know, she does have a lot of sweet qualities to her.

36:33Ronnie Karam: But she, there's a reason someone's with someone like Jax. You know, she's got a lot of that. She played a lot of those games, too, while she was with Jax with other people, I mean. And also, like the moment, I guarantee we're going to see Brandon say, you know what people who don't believe in us you should cut them out like you just can't be friends with them because you need to be friends with people who support the things that you do and because that's exactly what jack said he was very much like circle the wagons cut out people and so yeah i'm just uh i don't like where i don't like the where this is going for her now we go to lala's house i don't like where this is going for us i think britney house but i over like i overall like britney and i you know i don't god come on man smarten up britney yeah i think britney seems very very sweet i think she i think she's probably susceptible to falling to certain patterns it probably has to do with like daddy issues yada yada yada i'm not a therapist but i am a podcaster and i think that gives me some authority to pontificate about psychological things that i'm not licensed for and i think we're podcasters which gives us extra extra ammo because we can even judge therapists here so yeah but we can we just we can judge your therapy so what do you think about that we trump yeah we trump see these patterns and and we see how we see the damage that britney causes to her friends um with her uh with the fact that she's always burying her head in the sand with these guys and um it's hard to watch well there's the friends but there's also a kid now you know and you've got somebody who's whose track record sucks basically and that doesn't mean like anyone who's divorced or whatever listening to this like what i can't have you know i can't be with i can't date just because i've had two exes no i'm not saying that i'm saying it's the being with somebody who's got really problematic relationships already with two women and three kids isn't isn't great for your kid who needs special attention and need you know what i mean you have to think about the kid too and also who is diving into this very fast and going very quickly.

38:40They're already traveling on vacations together and now it's like, be my girlfriend. Like, it's a little love-bomb-y. But, you know, we haven't actually met this guy and I think once we meet him and we learn more about him, like, I'm sure we can revise our opinions. But so far, this does not sound great. And I think the fact that it's like peeing on Zach's radar, I think Zach has been pretty good about noticing these things. I think that's like, it's not, you know.

39:04Ronnie Karam: We don't know the guy, but we know Brittany Spicker. That's the thing. Commercials. Here comes one right now. Spring is giving fresh start vibes. Like suddenly you want to open the windows and drink more water and maybe act like you have your life together. But when dinner rolls around and you're this close to ordering takeout again, ButcherBox can help. They deliver premium, clean protein straight to your door. No antibiotics. No added hormones. No mystery ingredients. just real food that actually fuels your body instead of slowing it down. Effortless glow up energy, but make it dinner. ButcherBox delivers over 100 premium protein options straight to your door, including 100 % grass fed beef, free range organic chicken, crepe free pork and wild caught seafood.

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41:45Ronnie Karam: So then we go to Lala. Yeah. Sherman Oaks. That's his birthday party. That's his birthday. Finally, someone's going to celebrate a baseball player. so um there's a lifeguard named elijah there who's hot so of course she goes over she's like elijah i'm lala our name's ryan so we would normally if i didn't have a childhood we would bang right now does that sound he's like yeah i've never met a lifeguards who knocks so much on the front door just stay by the pool he's like okay she's like how old are you and he says 38 i don't believe it he looks 12 and she's like wow just the handsomes and he goes thank you you're beautiful.

42:22Ronnie Karam: She's like, wow, yeah, nailed it. This is huge milestones. Because when I gave birth to Sosa, she was in human form, and I could put a face to this form I thought I've had for so many years. And she just completed the family. It just felt so right. I would love it if she, like, well, of course you're going to say that. Imagine if she goes, when I had Sosa, she looked so great, but she just didn't complete the family. Could you imagine? You're going to say that about every baby, quite frankly. So Lala is Janet and Schwartz arrive first and Jason. And Lala's like, I had a baby. I could do better.

42:55Ronnie Karam: It could be better. How's your baby? You know what? I was hoping for more. I was hoping for more. We're going to give it another shot. This one didn't quite... I don't know. I don't know. Didn't really complete the picture. Although that is kind of what Danny says later. What was that? He's kind of like, well, I wish there was a brother for the other boy. Oh, God. Because it's like the Middle Ages. Who's going to carry on the Bucco family name if not a man? We need another child named Bucco at church where it's not going to work. Who am I going to pass on this pool in Santa Clarita to if not a dingle?

43:37Ronnie Karam: A baby with a dingle on it. So Lala's asking Jenna how she's been. Are you nervous? And Jenna's like, a little bit. But it feels like really good energy in here, though. Like, really, really good energy. Yeah, you know what? It's probably my pussy energy because there's a hot lifeguard out there. Oh, my God. It's always good energy at this house. You know this. Like, is it good energy at Lala's house? I mean, I don't feel it. But maybe it's a TV screen. So, Janet's like, going into Sosa's birthday, I'm very nervous to see everybody that I haven't been on the best terms with. So she sees Tom and, you know, he's like, wow, I'm just flirting with a taco stand over here.

44:19Yeah, because Lala has also seemingly hired every vendor in Los Angeles to set up camp in her backyard. It's just like a row of tents and like flat tops and smoke and whatever. I'm like, damn, it is crowded back there.

44:32Ronnie Karam: Yeah, it's a lot. So then Michelle arrives with Isabelle and Danny and I come, Kristen and Leica. Everybody's coming, you know. And Janet's wearing, I don't, is she a janitor? It's like, what is, she needs a mop bucket. Custodian safari. She's wearing like a khaki colored jumpsuit that can go either way towards like there's a rhinoceros or there's the pine saw. Or yeah, or like it's a med, welcome to the med spa, you know. So Janet is like, yeah, last summer was tough. And it felt like our friend group got torn apart. We're just, it's just so awkward. I hope we can find some peace in the group.

45:18Ronnie Karam: And Nia just tells us, if there's tension in the room, I don't notice it. I mean, maybe it's a thing on her end, but you know, I just, whatever. I don't think about Janet. Which I don't believe. So then Brittany arrives. Hi, it's my Brittany. And then Jasmine and Melissa and Michelle's like, hello, do you want me to hold your baby and you go up to the guy. And Brady goes, why, what guy? And Lala's like, there's the lifeguards. He's like, do you know him? She's like, I don't know him, but I'm about to know him. Kind of like, I'm kind of nervous. I want to bang him. I'm getting wet. I hope I don't squirt all over the lifeguards.

45:56Ronnie Karam: This is very Lala to pass off her baby to hit on the lifeguard that she hired for a one-year-old's birthday party. Wow. Wow. So she's like, yeah, you know, like, can I have your note? You want my number? You want my numbers? Yeah, okay. I'm going to catch you later, big boy. Catch you at nap times. If it were my daughter's first birthday, I would probably have a quickie right now. Somewhere the Don is sitting at a window looking out being like, what about me? Don. Remember that? Of course. She's like, oh my God, the bed was so wet. We had to change the sheets. I splattered that whole bed. Ugh.

46:40Ronnie Karam: I don't know, stuff that worked as like a fun new hostess at the SIR hostess stand. It's not really landing the same. I don't know. I actually applaud her for doing a birthday party. I applaud her for doing that 38-year-old lifeguard. You know, why not? I mean, does it get any easier? I mean, it's like you said, when you get like an Instacart driver and you look at their picture or whatever, like, hey, she pretty much, she just landed the gold mine. She got like a hot lifeguard in her backyard. Like change those numbers. Yeah. It's just, I'm, I'm looking at it as kind of a reality TV. Like, look, everybody says still got it.

47:20Ronnie Karam: Like you got the phone number from the guy you hired. Like you gave a phone number to the guy who's like paid to stand there. Wow. Good for you. You know, it's like giving an order back to a waiter and being like, yeah, nailed it. He's into me. He's into me. So Michelle's talking to Tom and she's like, Tom's like, oh so i asked michelle on a date yesterday she's like that's how rumors are started please and so this girl who's with them is like well what do you think uh the love life is and michelle's like well i see tom with someone in their late their 20s that's just like free spirit and easy going he's like yeah someone who wants to live laugh and love like we're gonna do yeah oh whoa i'm a little buzzed.

48:07Please, system override. I'm a buzzed.

48:11Ronnie Karam: So now Tom is talking with Danny and Nia, and he's like, wow, look at you guys. I find myself living vicariously through you guys. I mean, look at you. You're just so married and happy and you got kids. Makes me kind of sad. And Nia goes, yeah.

48:29He's like, where'd you guys meet? All at church. because my heart deep down, as you know, I'm a man of faith and I love to serve and do those types of things. One of my favorite things to do is when we're passing around that little bowl with the money in it, is just to put my hand on someone's thigh and say, give daddy some donations, okay? There we go. Tithing.

48:53Ronnie Karam: Tithing, as I like to call it, thine. I love a place where there's so many butts to rub and so many$5 bills to take out of a basket. Isn't that sweet? And he's like, yeah, so you know church. And so I said, I got to find someone who's got the same heart, who's gorgeous and a freak in the sheets. And God was like, here she is. Here's your sack of fuck meat, Nia. She's like, wow, this feels great. Love being here. So then Kristen and Brittany are talking. What are the odds that they go to Mosaic? Did we even discuss this at one point? I think they a hundred percent do mosaic for those who don't know.

49:35And there's this church, um, here in LA, uh, on Hollywood Boulevard, Hollywood and La Brea. And it's kind of like young, young, pretty Hollywood church. And it's all like these like beautiful Christian hot people in Hollywood who gather. And they do like lots of like, like hip, cool things. And they have, they would, there was, I used to go to the coffee shop that was kitty corner to it. And a lot of times everyone, and a lot of people in the congregation would go into the coffee shop and do like Bible study there. And they were all like young, aspiring actors, but they would be like trying to interpret the Bible, but they were doing it in that like vapid way that you would expect anyone from the show to do it.

50:13And it's like, it's truly the funniest thing. They're like, what was Moses feeling

50:17Ronnie Karam: when the bush started burning? Like let's put ourselves in his shoes. Jesus like went through like so much, if you think about it. And the pastor has like, the pastor for the congregation would come to the coffee shop and he'd be just like wearing this like cool like like skinny jeans and like denim but it's just like it's just funny to me there's nothing there's nothing wrong with it he went like 40 days without eating and that was before glp ones you guys could you imagine no i would be crying too jesus was hot jesus was like a 10 you guys but like yeah there's obviously there's nothing wrong with any of it it's just like a very funny thing to me because it's just such a hipster scene.

50:57It's just like a hip cool scene. You guys, I optioned the Bible. I'm not even kidding you.

51:06There may be some funny business with Mosaic. I feel like I have to look that up. I think there was an article about there was a little bit of funny business there, but maybe that was another one of those. There are these churches around town that the young celebrities go to. Anyway, they're totally Mosaic types.

51:23Ronnie Karam: Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one. Of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says part two. See you over there, suckers. Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're like, hey, wait a minute, I didn't hear part one. Guys, it's because we put out a lot of recaps. Go back and listen to part one, okay? It's before this one. Bye. Enjoy the show. Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors Ain't no thing like Alison King Our way is the Amber way It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster Whip up a meringue, it's Amanda E.

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53:42Ronnie Karam: Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plisch. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. Let's get savage with Laura Wildman. In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz. It's Liz Sarthy. Always killing it. It's Lola Alkalani. Roger that. It's Marlis Rogers. The incredible edible Matthews sisters. She eases our woes. It's Melissa St. Rose. She's the lady of the house. It's Rachel Scherouse. There's a chance of meatballs. It's Rebecca Cloud.

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