#3563 RHOC S20E13: I Set Fire to the Brain - Live from Chicago!

0:00I got these bar stools from Article and they fit my mid-century modern space so well. There's nothing cheap about these. They are sturdy. They are heavy. They've got leather seats. And the best thing, I got to pick them out and they were brought into my home and put together by Article in the room that I wanted. Everything else was taken out of there. It looks so good.

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0:56Ben Mandelker: Every item is chosen for its craftsmanship, design, and lasting value. Article offers fast, affordable shipping across U.S. and Canada with options for professional assembly if you prefer a hands-off experience, which I do. I do. Article is offering our listeners$50 off your first purchase of$100 or more. To claim, visit article.com slash crappens and the discount will be automatically applied at checkout. That's article.com slash crappens for$50 off your first purchase of$100 or more. Fall doesn't live in just one room, so why should your fragrance? With Pura's whole home scenting, one system fills every space.

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1:48Ben Mandelker: Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Countess speaking. We have arrived. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. Because we're good as gold. On display, on display, on display. Meet you every day, every day, every day. You're just baby gorgeous Your energy is magic, magic You know it's your time These are the best days of our lives Just for these double glasses high This one's for you tonight Sweet life, the peach life Sweet life, the peach life

2:53Now what else is going on? That's my opinion! Goodbye, Carl!

3:01Ben Mandelker: Watch what crap is Watch what crap is

3:20Ben Mandelker: talking to you

3:37Hello! Hello! Oh my God.

3:42Ben Mandelker: Hello, Chicago! Chicago! Yeah! So amazing to be back here, Chicago. Okay. On the opening weekend of the In The Mixed War. Happy Sports Day. Yes. Happy Sports Day. To all of you who celebrate that shit. It is like being... You have to understand as a non-sports gay coming to this town, every bar is people going, and the sounds of the whistles and all the guys here in this beautiful place listening to sports everywhere you go. Thank God I have such a gay thing to do tonight. I know. It doesn't get gayer than that. There's no bigger fuck you to whatever ball they're throwing than talking crap about Real Housewives for two hours.

4:41Ben Mandelker: Listen, I am a sports gay. I'm in two fancy football leagues right now. He's wearing a hat. I'm wearing a hat. And we drove by a bar today, and everyone in the bar was just going this. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Like in unison. Yeah. And where I live, it's the same. I'm from, you know, I live in Texas, and the Longhorns. So there's a game there a couple weeks ago, and the Longhorns are orange, and the Aggies are maroon. And everybody's nice to each other, but you go into the HomeGoods, and those people fucking hate each other. And it's hilarious. Like an orange will pass a maroon, and they're like, bitch.

5:20And you see it all over their face.

5:22Ben Mandelker: Well, what's amazing is that, like, okay, you know, wearing a jersey on game day. I'm personally, I am a sports gay. I'm not a Jersey gay. I'm not going to do that. But people just start on Thursday. They're like, we were just in Kansas City, and we just saw tons of Chiefs jerseys on Thursday. I'm like, you know, the game's not until Sunday, right? They're like, getting ready. You know? But you know, there is one other gay thing you could be doing tonight, and we appreciate that you're not doing it, which is watching Real Housewives Ultimate Girls trip. I levitated. I levitated for you all, and you missed it for Ben and Ronnie.

5:58Ben Mandelker: How dare you? What dare you treat me like that? I love a day. You know, it was great. So we flew in today and Ronnie's been talking about these glasses that he has. These like sunglasses that he wears on planes that actually have TV screens on the inside of them. What are they called? A masturbation station. That's what my friend calls them. Like I actually watch Housewives on these. Yeah. So Ronnie's been talking, you've been talking about these glasses. You plug them into your phone and it's like a big screen, you know? Yeah. And so, like, when we do our Amazon Live thing, Ronnie is talking about, like, you put these sunglasses on, and people think you're just sitting there with sunglasses on, but you're actually watching TV, and people don't bother you.

6:37Are you okay? Sorry, sorry.

6:39Ben Mandelker: And people don't bother you. So he showed me them, and they were really cool. It's like, you really can't. It's like, you can watch TV on them. It was so cool. But what was so funny is I was sitting next to Ronnie on the plane, and he's just sitting there with a hoodie over these sunglasses, so he literally looks like the Unabomber. and he's just sitting there and we just be doing, it's like quiet and all of a sudden you just hear him go ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and I just started cracking up because I know he's watching TV but people just think it's this guy just staring into space and at intermittent moments decides to laugh really loudly it's like ha ha ha ha ha well it's because Lisa Barlow was on there and she's like oh my god that girl is glitter she's like the herpes of the craft world I've never heard that before Glitter, the herpes of the craft world I rewound it like five times Also, look how much Payne that saved me We got off the plane, I was like, what a great ride And Payne was like, fuck baby I hate that I was adjacent to an awful toddler, as usual As per my lot in life, and two parents who believe in gentle parenting To which I give a gentle fuck you too.

7:55Ben Mandelker: The gentle parenting has to stop. When did we as a culture decide we cannot shame people for their parenting styles? I'm sorry. Here's the thing. Your kids are still going to grow up and be fucked up with whatever generational trauma you have. Whether you tell them kindly to stop squirming or you say, sit in your seat. Okay? So let's... Enough with the gentle parenting. Your children are going to hate you either way. Either way. and it's our right as children it's your right as a parent to hate your parent too if you don't resent them you are not paying attention at home this child is probably like 18 months I don't know squirming it didn't have language not my job to count your months sit the fuck down so the parents give it a bottle like this of milk and they get sitting there with the milk and I'm like this is not going to go well this child has not advanced beyond sippy cup age.

8:52Ben Mandelker: Why are you giving it a full on bottle of milk? So the kid's sitting there like, and then the kid drinks the milk. And eventually at one point, the kid just spits the milk everywhere. And there's baby milk spit up all over the tray. And then the mom's cleaning it up. And I'm like, you know, people have to eat off that thing. So fuck gentle parenting. Listen, that's why I've always said IVs for babies. That's just it You get it screwed into you right when you're born And then they'll take it out when you're five or whatever Whenever you can start aiming A sippy ivy Yeah, that's it Damn babies Point is, welcome to Watch What Crappins It's a very special night Because we get to recap Real Housewives of Orange County for the first time in a long time live.

9:50Ben Mandelker: I know. We have a mindset which is the worse the season, the more fun that we have with it. So we're going to have a great night tonight, I'll tell you that much. There's a lot of, this season sucks. This is amazing. See that part of them fighting over dinner roll-ups? That was crazy. Just walking around going Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh, David. By the way, am I the only one whenever you go into a convenience store or something and you see those bars that say David on them that you go, David? Literally every gas station I just see them there like, David? David? David? David? David? David? David? It's like someone made a bar.

10:39Ben Mandelker: I don't know, are those healthy bars? They're not non-healthy? I don't know, someone made a bar just to torment Shannon and put them in every gas station. David. All right. Previously on The Real Housewives of Orange County.

10:56Gina, I want to throw you a Hawaiian-themed couples party for your engagement. Huh. But you're poor. And I'm saying this is someone with six children who live in a shoe. I'm not poor I'm from Rancho Santa Rancho But Shannon Why would you throw me a couples party When you're single

11:20Ben Mandelker: What? I'm not single I have Doug We're not seeing each other We're just friends He's the salmon, I'm the cream cheese We're a complete meal But we're friends Is it getting hot in here? Doug Is Doug poor? No one is poor, Gina. Okay. Welcome to my luau, everyone. Yay! Yay, luau. This is the first time I've been laid in years. That wasn't funny. Let me do it. Hello. This is the first time I've been laid in years. Thank you, Alfredo. Thank you.

12:05Ben Mandelker: Emily, I don't appreciate you telling everyone I'm an inseparable snob while I'm trying to merge 18 apartments into one apartment under my penthouse.

12:19Ben Mandelker: Sorry, God. If I had feelings, I would be very hurt. All right. Fine, Heather. You're an amazing actress, and I spit on the grave of the future grave of Wendy Malik. Fuck her. She can't act in a goddamn thing. You should be in everything. Thank you. That's all I needed to hear. I can always forgive a fan.

12:45Ben Mandelker: Hey, Camila. Hey, Camila. Why is there married to Vicky? Are you married because Vicky called you Trashy and a bad mother? You should tell her, right? Tell her off right at this table right in front of everybody. It's going to be so funny. Tell her. Tell her. Go ahead. Go ahead. Vicky! Vicky! Camila's married to you because you called her a trashy stupid slut of a bad mother. Well, Carmella, I'm sorry I called you trash, you know, and hurt your feelings, but that's just how people with jobs talk. Is that an apology? Where's my apology? Where's mine? You called me trash. Well, to be fair, who has not called you trash?

13:29I'm about to call you trash. I started this show. I started this show.

13:35Ben Mandelker: Everything has an expiration date Alright, listen I've just I called you trash Because I've been abandoned

13:47I've been abandoned by men I've been abandoned by my parents I've been abandoned by dogs I've been abandoned by Ubers Ubers circle They see me and they circle There was a busboy here Where'd the busboy go? There was a busboy right here He abandoned me Where'd the busboy go?

14:04Ben Mandelker: Oh, Alfredo, come back. You've made an old lady cry.

14:11Bye, Becky.

14:15Don't leave me. Where'd the guacamole go? I just had a guacamole. I had a guacamole. I had a guacamole.

14:23Ben Mandelker: Hands in.

14:29I never know how much I touch my own breasts until we started putting these little wireless mic things on to have a backup recording. I just knocked the shit out of it.

14:40Ben Mandelker: You know, it's like the Whitney Houston song, I Never Knew My Own String, except it's I Never Knew How Much I Touched My Own Breasts. Someone needs to.

14:54So now we're all caught up on Orange County,

14:59Ben Mandelker: And here we are on season 20, episode 13, titled Don't Look Now. It's too late. We've already been in for 12 episodes. That's just the producer saying, sorry, we've tried. We can't make anything out of this season. Don't look now. It's too late. They're not going to. They're like, you know what we should do? Bring Alexis back. And she's like, I'm so mad. Just get rid of Alexis. Get rid of her. We tried. This is actually, in many ways, this is a great episode to recap here because we have so many cameos later in the episode. I mean, hello. This is a great, this is the Lynn Curtin comeback episode.

15:40Ben Mandelker: The Quinn Fry comeback episode. I know. Did they say anything? No, but that's okay. They didn't do anything. And I wonder if they do something in real life and it's just cut. Because every time they cut to one of the ladies, it's like, oh my God, it's Lynn. And she's like, so. Hi. Weekdays, am I right? Why am I obsessed with Lynn Curtin after all these years? I don't understand it. Is anyone else strangely obsessed with her? She made cuffs. She just was so sort of blank. And I just love that. Lynn Curtin was amazing. Oh, my God. She's like, I invented cuffs. These things you put on your wrist.

16:20You could see the tape behind them and the hot glue. People are like, wow, what a comfortable piece of jewelry. Cuff love. I like that.

16:30Ben Mandelker: It's not made of salmon, but that's okay. So we open at Rodeo River, or is it Rodeo? I think it's Orange County, so it's Rodeo, right? Yeah, it's Orange County, so it's probably like Rodeo. Rodeo River. Rancho San Rodeo. Rancho San Rodeo. Capistrano. Yeah, because even in L.A. there's a Rodeo, but then there's also a Rodeo. Yeah, we have because. Why not? and it's literally spelled the same way pronounced two different ways in the same city a mile away from each other. Heather lives by rodeo, Gina lives by rodeo for those of you not local. It's true. It's where the pores go. So we're there with Gina, Shannon and who else is here, Emily?

17:15Ben Mandelker: Gina is sort of like a rodeo clown if you think about it. Oh my god, there's a ball. I feel sick. I feel banned for the ball. So they're teasing Shannon because Shannon brought that guy Doug to her luau party. Her couple's luau party. Well, it's just me and Doug. We're just friends. Hey, Doug, we're going to play a game where we put a coconut down at our ankles, and then Doug has to get the coconut up to our mouth with his penis. All right, Doug. We're just friends.

17:48Doug! Doug! Doug! Just friends with that. Outrageous.

17:58Ben Mandelker: Outrageous content for America. Save the season. That was funny, too, and Tamara and Eddie did it in two seconds. Like, next. I was afraid they were going to show Sandy and her boyfriend doing it after that. Oh, my God, yeah. Ben has missed two weeks of Real Housewives of Orange County due to travel and stuff, so you didn't even get to talk about that. Last week when Tamara's mom, Sandy, was in the kitchen, it was like 10 generations of Tamara or whatever.

18:26And Sandy was wearing matching glasses to her shirt, which I thought was really cute. But every time I see Sandy, I just think of that scene when Tamara's like, Hey, ma 'am, love you staying with me. I heard your headboard banging while you were fucking the guy from the Costco. And then sure enough, Sandy brings in the Costco sample dude that she's been banging.

18:48Ben Mandelker: And he's dressed in like Abercrombie and Fitch and has a backwards baseball cap. I'm like, what has happened here? Okay, so the point is we're at a shitty restaurant in Orange County, as usual. And Gina's like, oh, Shannon, so are you sure there's nothing going on with Doug? What's going on with Doug? I mean, we went on a date, and it was lovely. Did he order me something that had a bit too much sugar? Yes. Was I concerned about my calories? Yes. Was my sodium level high afterwards? Yes. Did I have some swelling in my ankles the next day? Yes. Was there also some resentment because of it? Yes.

19:24Ben Mandelker: But I think we're off to a great start. Yeah. Just friends. And Gina's like, well, that's a great story. But I want to talk about Carmela. I felt so bad. Because, like, she got upset with Vicky for calling it trash. But then Vicky was the victim at the end of the night. Like, oh, Vicky wouldn't even acknowledge that she did anything wrong. By the way, this may be a new record for Gina. with like 15 seconds into the episode and she already said, I felt really bad for Carmella. I felt bad. I felt so bad. I feel bad. I had so much fun at you. I feel bad, buddy. So the big news is that there's going to be a Persian party courtesy of Emily's in-laws.

20:05Ben Mandelker: And so it's like, is Vicky going to be at the Persian party? A question on everyone's minds. Am I right? Who's going to come to the Persian party? And how is Emily even still invited to these parties? They clearly hate Emily now, right? Emily's mother-in-law has been making a play at replacing her on this show for eight years now. I mean, at this point, I'm like, just give Perry the slot, kick Emily off, it's fine. She deserves it, Perry. And all that Perry's put up with, remember how Emily's first season, she's like, Shane doesn't appreciate my body, so I'm gonna go to a strip show in Las Vegas and my in-laws are gonna come.

20:41And then she's up there like, and Perry and her husband are just like

20:51Ben Mandelker: Emily's like I sometimes worry about Shane and if he's truly happy I'm like please worry about me and if I'm truly happy watching you spoiler alert Shane is not happy Shane has never been happy you have never been happy you and Shane are miserable people and that's why you're together. Just accept it. I'm not going to be with a happy person. Fuck that. I've had happy people in my home. They're disgusting. I'll settle down when I find someone as miserable as me to share a couch with. I want someone there when you're like, fuck that person. They're like, aww. But they're probably going through something.

21:33Get the fuck out of here. This is my house.

21:37Ben Mandelker: Well, you can only feel those emotions for so long before you get to the point where you just don't feel anymore. I'm like literally me every year when they announce her coming back to the show. We're completely numb. We're Emily numb. They're like, coming back for season 45, Emily Simpson. I'm like, I don't feel things anymore. She's going to outlast everybody. I know, she really will. She's going to be fucking Emily and Gina. You guys, I'm a mess. Look at me. I've got a phone I'm recording off of, another one I'm going through text messages on, just because I've had some notes on there. A fucking iPad that's bigger than a house.

22:15Ben Mandelker: Because you set up your Adirondack chair incorrectly. Look, I gave him a little Adirondack chair for his iPad. Here, we're going to fix it. This will be great for people listening at home. All right. Yeah, make it more vertical. All right. That's fine. But the problem is I start poking it, and then I knock it over again. And then you feel bad. Jesus. I'm so sorry. Okay, guys. You guys are like, is he really his ADD in real life? Yes. I really am. I'm just up here squirming, squirming. Which phone should I have? Oh, by the way, when I did look through this, there was a Facebook post from my neighborhood in Texas.

22:49It's called Spicewood. And there's a picture of a cow. And it says, anybody missing their cow? It's in my yard.

23:02Ben Mandelker: Is the cow going to the Persian party later? The cow looks happier than Shane.

23:10So they talk about Shane and Emily's miserable. We know we've been here for years with you. So then we go to a pre-nuvo scan. Hey, can I get a scan from head to toe? What do they even find on you, Tamara, when they scan your ass from head to toe?

23:29Ben Mandelker: Maybe this water bottle, some cans. Some car keys. You know, look, 20 years of Housewives. We are celebrating 20 years by watching Tamra and Vicky get scanned for our growths. So it's fun. So pre-novo. Pre-novo. Pre-novo. Pre-novo. Pre-novo. Bilingual. That's this full body scan. And I think that they tell you things that could be wrong with you. But I don't think they're like doctors. So they just are like, well, you've got a growth here. I don't know. Get that checked out. Your armpit hair is a little bit long We don't know what that's going to lead to Did you know that your belly button is back I know bitch Well I was concerned because They do this pre-novo thing And they're like okay we'll be back in 10 minutes With your results I was like 10 minutes You better spend 5 fucking hours looking at my body I agree Take more time It's like when you go to the auto body place And they charge you all this money That took you 10 minutes It's wise as$5 ,000.

24:34At least fake it. Like, make me get an Uber or a rental car or something.

24:40Ben Mandelker: So, of course, Vicky is working from the pre-nuvo waiting room. I've got to work. Can I take my email inside the scan? I do not stop working. The scan's going over. It's like, bloop, you've got mail. She's still her AOL. Vicky Insurance AOL. Just sliding around her. It's just like, bloop.

25:06I'm connecting to the Prindal Vaux.

25:09Ben Mandelker: I just wish the girl doing the naked sushi that Vicky, remember her? Where Vicky's like, what are you doing here? Get a job. Why are you lying here with sushi on you? I wish she were the MRI tech. Like, well, now who's laying down on the table not doing work?

25:28Does your mother know you're doing this? Does your mother know that you are getting so busy off of your body? Get a job. Your mother would be very upset. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappens commercial.

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27:08Ben Mandelker: It's the best way to support the show. I got these bar stools from Article and they fit my mid-century modern space so well. There's nothing cheap about these. They are sturdy. They are heavy. They've got leather seats. And the best thing, I got to pick them out, and they were brought into my home and put together by Article in the room that I wanted. Everything else was taken out of there. It looks so good. So thanks, Article. I'm not surprised. You know why, Ronnie? Because Article makes it effortless to create a stylish, long-lasting home at an unbeatable price. There's a curated collection for every style.

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28:32Ben Mandelker: That's article.com slash crappens for$50 off your first purchase of$100 or more. so Tamara starts talking about her pre-novo scan I'm a freshman 18 ,000 years ago so great, so presented and pre-novo they are like big I don't understand any of that but it made sense I was like she was doing that they are big in influencer like culture I guess influencers like oh my god you guys I got a pre-novo scan and I had earwax in my you know, my left hat from nine years ago. And they're like, whoa! And then everybody goes to get it. So it is kind of an influencer. And I'm not saying it can't be good. I don't know.

29:16You know, I don't even go to a regular doctor. I'm certainly not going to be scanned by some medical kinkos. But the point is, it's kind of an influencer-y thing. And I thought it was really gross when Tamara was like, you know what? I got a preneuble and they found stuff and Teddy had brain cancer, but she could have had a preneumab and then she would have known if she had it. Are you seriously throwing Teddy's brain cancer under the bus for an influencer dollar? I thought that was so gross.

29:43Ben Mandelker: That's so true. But also so Tamara. What a classic. So then they're waiting for their scans so now Vicky and Tamara are talking and Vicky's like, I really didn't like Carmella's comments to me and I know she didn't like what I said to her when I said that she was a terrible mother who was abandoning her children and also gross and slutty and all that stuff. but I didn't say it to her. I said it to somebody else. And I went through the telephone game. I'm like, the telephone game on a very crystal clear line. These women are always picking up me. I just don't understand why. These women are always picking up me.

30:19Because you're horrible. You're a horrible human being. And then they're like, you're horrible. It's like, ow, ow, ow. So she's like, I was literally complimenting Carmella. I mean, both people were raising the shoulder. I was saying she, of course, Danny helps her raise the shoulder. I was saying he helps her. He's a good mother. Because she weighs her children with somebody else. That's not what you were saying. And just stand by it. If you think someone is a trash and a bad mother, you should be allowed to say that. This is America. Just be prepared for someone to tell you to fuck off.

30:47Ben Mandelker: Yeah, exactly. So the radiologist comes back and is like, okay, ma 'am, we found some white spots on your brain. They spell caliente. We don't understand why. Wait a minute. I've had this done before, and there were white spots, but there's a lot more white spots. What is going on? Is this because of Alzheimer's? And they're like, mm. The guy behind the thing was cracking me up because he's like, um, it's not usually what we see with Alzheimer's. Okay, well, is it sepsis? Is it cancer? I don't know. Sepsis, cancer. He was looking at his Grindr profile. He's like, uh-huh, totally. Yeah, uh-huh, yeah, you've got like, yeah, it's like something sepsis, yeah.

31:32Ben Mandelker: So then she's like, terrible. And by the way, I did look up, does Vicky have Alzheimer's before we came out here and made fun of her ass? No, she does not. So everyone walking around like, well, how dare you? I know someone who had Alzheimer's. Not this lady. So we're still allowed to make fun of her. So Vicky has a very important message for Tamara. She says, you cannot go tell the girls I have brain damage.

32:08Why did I do that? Damn you made me too bad.

32:13Ben Mandelker: So Vicky's whole issue is her dad died young. Her dad actually got Alzheimer's when she was younger. So Vicky's very sensitive about this, understandably. But she just doesn't want everyone. And you know what? I actually am on Vicky's side with this because the last thing I would want would be, like, Gina would be like, so, I only have Alzheimer's and brain damage. I feel bad. I'm like, get the fuck out of my face. You're causing the brain damage. Yeah, Vicky's like, well, my brain isn't what it used to be, but that's my first priority, and if I don't have a brain, I mean, what is it, the Wizard of Oz?

32:47Who doesn't have a brain, the Wizard of Oz? Scarecrow? Again, the guy behind the counter is like, I don't fucking...

32:55Ben Mandelker: Scarecrow is kind of hot, though, if you think about it.

33:01I don't want to be a Scarecrow. He's like switching between Google, Wizard of Oz, and sepsis. Just like, I don't want to be a Scarecrow.

33:07Ben Mandelker: I don't want to be a Scarecrow. I don't want to be the Scarecrow. Should have been her tagline. Then we go to Heather's penthouse under the apartment. Got a new apartment. I've been thinking about it. It's an apartment that goes, um, in my apartment. So Terry is finishing up a stressful conversation with his mother, who is, you know, she's older and she's having issues. And they're placing her in... And that's how I want to be when I'm her age. I feel like this is what you're allowed to do. When you are 93, you've got all this, you've got some rich kid, you don't even know how he got his money, why he got it.

33:49you know that they charge like$90 ,000 for masks during COVID and you just go with it. And you're like, good for, good for my son or whatever. But the mom on the phone was hilarious. Cause he's like, mom, I mom, what's wrong with you? She's like, I hate it here. Okay. So you want a new place? Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll do whatever I get. I'll just get you a new place. Yeah. Click. That's right. No, how are you, honey? How are your feelings? Like, give me a new fucking place. I'm 93.

34:16Ben Mandelker: And that's why you don't hire Gina as your realtor. Oh, my God. I'm so upset that your 93-year-old mother didn't call me for old people real estate in Tallahassee. So Terry is upset about this. So Heather's like, you know, they call this the sandwich generation. Because it's the age when you can hire five people to make you a sandwich.

34:45Thankfully, I've never eaten one of those. However, I do love binging on a nice plate of pickles. I love pickles.

34:56Ben Mandelker: I'm relatable. Television's Heather Dubrow, enjoying a Vlasic pickle. I will never forget. It was just two episodes ago, so why would I forget? When Heather was like, hmm, just having a nice dinner, and they cut to her plate, and it's just three giant pickles. She's like, mmm. Mmm. Delicious. Anyway, we are the sandwich generation because we are taking care of aging parents and still raising kids and also yelling at three different servants.

35:33So she is talking about that. I mean, it is sad. Your parents are dying. Your kids are out of there. What are you going to do? You know? Get a really amusing maid is what I suggest. So she's like, well, do you feel like you need something from your mother and she's not even here anymore? He's like, like what? I'm rich. And she's like, I don't know. Like an emotional conversation with your mother. Do you want to discuss emotions? For example.

36:04Ben Mandelker: My mother, for example, was a bad mother. Shall we talk about that now that she lives nearby? Let me be clear. My parents are good parents. They're wonderful parents. However, it's very difficult when you're not allowed to be smart and talented. You're only allowed to be smart or talented. Unfortunately, I was so talented, I didn't even know I was smart. I must have been 27 when I learned I could use the word adjudicated.

36:48Terry's like, wow, I guess I'm the guy who made you feel smart, huh? And I am the one that gave you a family.

36:55Ben Mandelker: Do you remember what happened on our first date? You yelled at the waiter and made him cry. After that? You got the waiter fired. After that? You literally tried to run the waiter over with your car for getting your food out cold. And after that? I passed out. Well, while you were passed out, you happened to write, you told me how you wrote a paper about a human tail. This is very relatable for America. Just hold on. Oh, yeah. And you remember? I said, when a fishtail is cut off, and then you said, is that the spine? And that's when I said, I can get away with anything with this fucking idiot.

37:46Ben Mandelker: Growing up, my mother always said I wasn't capable of predicting which things had spines in them. But it turns out, I know where the spine is. Smart. Talented. I just imagine her sibling at home like, fuck this woman. In my house, we were labeled. My sister got to be smart, and I got to be talented. But later, I found out I was smart and talented, and my sister was smart and ugly.

38:24Ben Mandelker: Unpleasant. and also bad body odor was a great label we added to her. I mean, two people in a family are allowed to be single, sad, and poor. Fortunately, it's just her.

38:41Well, Heather's attempts to be someone we all get relatable. It's like, oh no. I was like, mmm, Terry. Do you know how people feel things? talk about it.

38:57Ben Mandelker: Well, Heather, I had a broken family. I was raised by a single mother who instilled in me the value of wearing a black leather jacket wherever you go. And no relationship with my dad for most of my life. And then I met you and you taught me family. You're supposed to say family. Family. Thanks, Heather Dubrow. That was sweet. So then we go over... Like, you guys did it. I'm feeling, I feel nothing, but good for you. Good for you for being here. So now let's go to Shane's parents' person party. Emily arrives. This very, she really, she has like a half-naked lady in the kind of a Las Vegas shape of a diamond.

39:46I don't know what the fuck this thing was supposed to be. And then the lady comes in and you walk up and you're like, can I have some champagne? I don't want to ask a prisoner for my champagne. Someone should bring me the champagne. Don't make me a part of your trafficking. What is this? Go up to the lady in the cage. She'll pour you something.

40:04Ben Mandelker: Also, I don't want to see these whimsical things in a suburban home. It doesn't work for me. No, for real. If you have an estate and you've got hedges and topiaries, you can add someone whimsical in a cage handing out champagne. But if I'm just walking into your McMansion and there's a TV right over there and a coffee maker there, but there's also a woman dressed as a red carpet. That doesn't work for me. Yeah. Like if you can afford all this stuff, your house shouldn't still look like an olive garden. But God bless her. God bless her. And there's that too. There's a lot of faux finishing. Very Tuscan.

40:38Felt like I was there. So Emily talks about, Oh, my mother-in-law usually throws a huge party once a year. I hear you are a Mother's Day party. I'm a subscriber. Hi, Perry. and Perry and the dad are both like, hello, Emily. Hello. You know, at this point, Shane's like, Mom, you know what Emily said to me? Yes.

41:00Ben Mandelker: Perry also is like the queen of air kissing. I've never seen someone air kiss with, like, she puts the Beverly Hills woman to shame. Do you guys notice? Like, she was not coming within five feet of anyone. She is still holding on to, like, COVID restrictions. Good for her. Yeah. Good for her. People are gross. So, um, Annabelle, sorry, I didn't mean to skip to Annabelle's not gross. I was like, people are gross. Annabelle? Annabelle's not gross. So, um, Annabelle's there, and she's like, oh, can I take off my shoes already? She's like a little mini Emily. She's like, I got my shoes. I'm going to party.

41:34We're back. I'm trying to feel this. Trying to enjoy the party. This food's really good. Stop eating so much food. Oh, damn it. Oh, my God. I'm becoming my mother. I'm becoming my other.

41:46Ben Mandelker: I don't know what to do with her. She's a lot. Well, I'm sure she appreciated you saying that on national television. Thank God Luke's not here. God.

42:01Ben Mandelker: It was that. She was like, well, I decided to bring the whole family, except Luke. God, it makes me fucking crazy. And on the show, she's like, you know, it's really important to bring awareness when your kid is going through something. I'm like, yeah, that is nice. You're also bringing awareness to how hard that can be as a mom, and obnoxious, I guess, because she's like, fuck Luke! We take out Luke's problems! He's got a disease called can't stop texting mom! Fucking Luke! Another sensitive mother moment with Emily. Carmela shows up with her daughter, and she sees Heather, and Carmela's like, Oh, I love this color on you.

42:45Ben Mandelker: It's like, thank you. It's called personality color. It was weird, don't you think? Wasn't Heather wearing like a light blue little sweater and little curl? I actually liked it. I liked it. Believe it or not, I liked it. I don't know. I'm weird. I've like grown to really enjoy Heather Dubrow. I don't know why. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, so I'm going to support her periwinkle top. It's just the whole vibes in Orange. All the vibes are weird in Orange County, how they dress. Like, one of them is dressed like for the Oscars. Well, I mean, the Oscars. You know, their version. Yeah, I was there. Yeah.

43:16Ben Mandelker: I was there. I would know. Yeah, totally. That's how you dress. I actually, my look, they, like, reserved my look at the store for the Oscars. Yeah. And then one of them is dressed like they're going on Hee Haw. And the next one, you know, then Heather is, like, in this little sweater and pearls. I'm like, what are you? Someone needs to tell you what you're dressing for. You know, they all look crazy. like funeral, picnic, the Oscars. So yeah, Carmella comes and she's like, yeah, this like drink is like kind of good, but I don't want to drink this drink anymore because it's like not good anymore.

43:58And her daughter who looks exactly like her is like, yeah, well then maybe you should just like put your drink down. And then she's like, but where do I put my drink down? I'm going to say there's nowhere to put it. Maybe I should put it in the plant. Okay, I'm going to just put my drink in the plant. Wow, way to beat the trash allegations.

44:17Ben Mandelker: I know. Carmella just leaving cans in people's plants. Who was the person at Bravo who met Carmella and was like, this woman. She's going to be our season 20, Jim. I mean, honestly, she seems very nice. I think it maybe was an audio audition because like she just nothing moves. Her face her mouth kind of moves when she talks I don't know if she's upset. I don't know what she's thinking. She's just like I don't know about this. Listen I know it's like a dying light bulb you know if you if you're on a show and Heather Dubrow comes up and says to you, look, I called you trash and I feel bad about it.

45:12Ben Mandelker: Your reaction should not be, oh, you know, I'm reaching and telling me. That is not what we're looking for, Carmela. So now everybody's trying to decide, like, who's going to fight at this party? Because, you know, that's what you have to do. So, Cameron's like, I mean, I got some. I'm more mad that there's not a table to put mine here. Okay, well, shit, someone else is going to have thought about something. What are we going to do? Heather's like, well, I guess I could talk to Vicky about what she said, but, you know, I think I'm going to just be breezy and fake as fuck after she called me fake as fuck, so watch me be fake as fuck.

45:53Ben Mandelker: So then Vicky goes up to Shannon, and she's like, what is this, Shannon? Well, this is apparently a chicken salad, but as far as I'm concerned, it's just a mayo explosion. Thanks a lot. Perry. You got to love this couple of friends, though. What is this? Chicken salad. It's not chicken salad. Well, they said it's chicken salad. I don't know. I think it's chicken salad. It's not chicken salad. Why don't they have name tags? Why aren't there name tags? So, uh, we all had that conversation. It's chicken salad. No, it's not. Yes, it is. How are we going to find out what it is? So Shannon and Gina have acquired some sort of chicken product, and they've gone to the backyard, and they're ignoring Gina and Jen, as I think is always a fun thing.

46:42Ben Mandelker: And Gina's like, wow. We get it. The audience is like, yeah. Gina's like, they didn't come to say hello. They just kept on moving. That's so mean. And Jen's like, yeah, well, thank you so much. Thank you so much for brushing us off. Thank you. It's great to be here. I think she's just upset because Gina, you said that, or Tamara or someone said that Vicky has brain damage. So she's upset. Because of the time I'm going to say, Hey you guys, Vicky's got brain damage. Yeah, yeah, she's got brain damage.

47:16Hey, by the way, through a scan, it just looks like dots on a windshield. Turn on the water, am I right? She's probably dying. It's so funny.

47:27Ben Mandelker: so Tamara went and gossiped and told everyone that Vicky has brain damage and you're thinking fucking Tamara but then we see another flashback where Vicky's like gather round this may be the last time you see me because I've got brain damage and they're like we know like oh really I've got brain damage from success and then Jen's like yeah I already heard about that I heard about your brain damage already I heard it from Tamara. Thank you so much for sharing. Thanks for sharing it with Tamara, who shared it with me. I mean, it was really meaningful yesterday. It's meaningful today. Less meaningful than it was yesterday.

48:03Yesterday was so meaningful. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Did you know that my son is making robots with human brains? What was that last week? Jen's storyline was like, I'm talking to my... She's like, hi, honey. What are you doing today? And he's like, I'm making robots that have brains like humans.

48:21Ben Mandelker: She's like, wow, what? Wow. Wow. Wow. I would say you should talk to Vicky, but her brain is too far gone.

48:31And they say Jen gives nothing. I thought about that scene all week. Like, how confused must Jen be right now?

48:37Ben Mandelker: Jen is the proof that you can be, like, a vacant housewife and not be very reactive. Although she actually is pretty reactive. But, like, Carmella, it's like you either have to be, like, really blank but also really dumb. but you can't be blank and kind of like with it. That's just not that's where Carmella falls flat for me a little bit, you know? Just a little too you know. Well the point is you know what? Tamara you shouldn't talk about people's brain damage.

49:12It can be really triggering you know? Like when you it's up to people to talk about their own brain damage. Bitch, I didn't think that Vicky had brain damage. I said something joking like she has brain damage and I'm hot. You know, something like that. I didn't really think she had brain damage. It wasn't that deep, okay? And Carmella's like, wait, brain damage? Do you mean she's like Looney Tunes or not? Like, do I have to be nice to this bitch? Just somebody tell me right now. Please don't let me go yell at somebody who just got brain damage. No, you can still yell at her.

49:50Ben Mandelker: So then Vicky, someone drops food, Vicky drops food or whatever, and so when someone bends over to pick it up, Vicky's like. Vicky bends over and Vicky farts. Okay. I think this is how it happened in my head. You tell me if I'm wrong. Vicky drops some food, then she bends down and she's like. And they're like, whoa! It's like, we just make that noise. It might badly. That's the noise we make. When someone bends over, we go. Yeah, we make a sound effect. It's because Billy does it all the time. He bends over. We go, you know, it's funny. It's funny. It's the brain damage. Sorry.

50:28Real presidential fan there. So Emily is like, what is wrong with you? She's like, my brother Billy started it. He bends over.

50:40Ben Mandelker: So Heather's talking to Carmella, trying to stir some stuff up. She's like, Carmella, trash bag. Did Vicky apologize at that luau to you about calling you trash too? Well, she said she misspoke, whatever that's supposed to mean. That apology was, like, not good enough. Like, I don't think that she, like, thinks that she even treated Carmella bad. I think that she thinks that everything was taken out of context. But you know how Vicky is. She's got to be friends. You know, you've got to kind of accept Vicky. That's your friend soon. And Emily's like, what are you talking about? You two are both fucking toxic idiots.

51:21Uh-uh, I'm not toxic. I've never been toxic. If I ever said anything to anybody, it's because Vicky started with me. I didn't do nothing to them. Tamara, a judge, saying she's the least toxic person. I know.

51:36Ben Mandelker: The pre-novo is, like, melted down at this point. Oh, my God. They, like, put her in. The whole thing just melts. I did like when Tamara goes. I love Vicky. You're like a sister. Is Vicky a great person? No.

51:56She went on a podcast basically calling me a bad mother and she said I chose fame over my own daughter.

52:04Ben Mandelker: That is rude. Yeah. So they're talking about like... So Heather's mad because Vicky said that Heather was fake as fuck. And so Heather's like, oh, apparently I, television's Heather Dubrow, is fake as fuck. Oh, well, you know what? I brought that up to her and I said, you know, wait, you said on the way to La Quinta that Heather is fake as fuck. Do you remember that? I don't really remember that, but people told me that you said it. She was very offended. She retracted it. She retracted that. And we see Vicky saying, oh, no, I meant to say that she's closed off and fake. That's all. You know, it's odd.

52:42It's like she's sharp as a whip, like running an insurance company. And then she can't take responsibility when something is happening. Like when she's calling people trash, she can't even take responsibility. She calls you trash, Carmela. They all called you trash. It's so mean and it's so horrible. Go pick up your litter.

53:02Ben Mandelker: You know what I mean? I did like when Carmela said that. I like when Carmela says that Vicky, she goes, Vicky, she just creates a smoke show of confusion. I mean, a smoke screen, a smoke show is a very different thing. She makes a very hot person, a very hot person out of confusion. It's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life. I mean, while they're like, is Vicky evil? Is she confused? Like, what's going on with Vicky? What's going on with the spots in her brain? And then it just cuts to Vicky, and she's just in the kitchen like, I'm going to drop the taco. Oh, God, my knee. God, my knee.

53:40Come on. Tumbling around. God bless her heart.

53:43Ben Mandelker: Vicky hasn't said one word to me. I'm not bad. Is she still here? I'm going to ask her right now and see what she says. I don't understand why she's giving me a silent dream. She's pissing me off. Pissed off at something. I don't know what it is. I'm nervous. She's very vocal about it. I wonder if it's because I told everyone she's got brain damage. Can I talk to you, Vicky? Okay. I'm making an Irish goodbye. I'm making an Irish goodbye. There's no door there. brain damage. I could also make Irish people could say goodbye or hello, whatever they want to in this country. Okay? Top of the morning to ya.

54:25Ben Mandelker: It's kind of my thing. Salt Lake City tried to steal it, but it's kind of a Shannon Bedore classic, don't we all agree? Top of the morning!

54:36What's the matter of me, Vicky? What's the matter of me, Vicky?

54:48Ben Mandelker: I'm not mad at you, but I don't like you're telling everyone that I have brain damage Oh, I'm so sorry Vicky Like one of those people, they look like they're just statues But then at a certain time of day they come to life again I'm like, I'm going to ask Robert De Niro and then you go back. Which version of that is? Guys, why does Awakenings never leave my head? When did that movie come out, Awakenings? 1990. It's still with me every day. Yeah, it's a great movie. Some of Julie Klausner's best work. God, truly. After Marge Simpson, of course. That's her name, right? The point is, Tamara's trying to gaslight someone who does have spots on their brain.

55:34She's like, Vicky, do you even know what I'm saying? No, I'm not. Are you starting to say something? What are you talking like that? I can't hear you, Tamara.

55:44Ben Mandelker: Are you so much? So, just to remind everyone, we're at a Persian New York party, and all we're talking about is Vicky's potential brain damage. And chicken salad. And chicken salad. And Tamara's now like, when it comes to health issues and seeing people's struggle, I have a big heart for that because the truth of the matter is you can have five million problems But if you don't have your health, you're not hot Unhealthy people is so unhot Brain damage is ugly So I'm thinking I just want to be able to trust you Tamara I'm gonna make sure that you're not telling people about my brain damage. That's not okay, Tamara It's betrayals brain damage betrayal Here comes one right now.

56:36He lurks in shadow. He slips into dreams. He casts no reflection.

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57:27Ben Mandelker: Joined by the enigmatic Van Helsing, Mina and a small fearless band race against time to stop this ancient terror, Using her intellect, her resolve, and a gift for drawing the unseen lines between clues, Mina just may hold the key to bring down the Count if he hasn't already found his way inside her mind. Featuring a haunting original score by Ilan Esquerri from Audible's 1984 and spatial Dolby Atmos sound design, Audible's Dracula invites you to welcome literature's most shadowy figure into your home. Feel the terror of being hunted and the thrill of the hunt. Don't miss the year's best new audio thriller, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Audible's new full cast original adaptation.

58:09Ben Mandelker: Written by Robin Ahern and directed by Mary Lambert. Now on Audible. Listen to the darkness. Go to audible.com slash listen to Dracula. I got these bar stools from Article and they fit my mid-century modern space so well. There's nothing cheap about these. They are sturdy. They are heavy. They've got leather seats. And the best thing, I got to pick them out and they were brought into my home and put together by Article in the room that I wanted. Everything else was taken out of there. It looks so good. So thanks, Article. I'm not surprised. You know why, Ronnie? Because Article makes it effortless to create a stylish, long-lasting home at an unbeatable price.

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59:40Ben Mandelker: That's article.com slash crappens for$50 off your first purchase of$100 or more. One thing that we haven't talked about is the fact that Heather has actually brought her mom to this party. And her mom, I love Heather's mom. She's this amazingly cutting, waspy lady who just says mean things and laughs. She's like, well, Heather, I mean, let's never forget that you were the stupid one. Am I right, Heather? Wow, Heather, look at this house. Your house is almost as nice as this house, Heather. I love what you're doing with your house, though. You should probably listen to your mother. Your house is garbage.

1:00:21Ben Mandelker: They keep saying this one here has brain damage. Maybe we should talk about you and that periwinkle top you got there, honey. Okay, well, I've just been telling all the girls that I'm concerned about you, Vicky, but then they were, and they were talking about how toxic you are, Vicky. What? What do you mean how toxic I am? Yeah, maybe you said I was toxic. Wait, did I say you were toxic? Who said I was toxic? Who's toxic? Who's toxic? I'm not toxic because stop saying I'm toxic. Where are we? Where are we right now? What's that chicken salad, yes or no? There never was chicken salad. So Heather, meanwhile, is talking to her mom, and her mom is an artist, and she's like, Mother, you haven't had an art show in Los Angeles.

1:01:06Ben Mandelker: Why don't we have an art show for you here so that way everyone can see how bad your art is on a national level? And then, you see this table? We can turn it.

1:01:24Ben Mandelker: She's like, oh, I would love that. I think that would be great. It's about time someone saw some talent from our family. My mom is very social, and I just want her to be with this super social scene that will get her, the art community in Los Angeles. I know. Hello, young art people of Los Angeles. Here's an octogenarian from Chappaqua, New York. She put paint on a canvas. Please, take her with you.

1:01:59So, Carol's so excited. She's like, oh my God, Heather, you're going to have an orange over me, Heather. So it's a very sweet scene. And she's like, I know my mother loves me. I'm just trying to get her to a place where we don't have to go backwards now we go forwards right to the tippy top of the stairs and I say oh mom

1:02:27so Tamara is now talking about Carmela to Heather and Heather's like oh my god I don't know what's going to happen here what is going to happen Did you hear Vicky asking if that was chicken salad? Come on, drum. So then we see Carol and... Who are Carol? Who the fuck are Carol and Faith? Oh, Carol. That's because I saw Faith after. Faith is, I think...

1:02:50Ben Mandelker: Faith is Carmella's daughter. Carmella's... Carol. What's the other daughter's name? Carol is Carol Ratswell. Crash the party. No. Carol is Heather's mom. And Heather... It is kind of funny because Heather and Emily both are... Like, Emily's sick of her daughter. Heather's sick of her mother. They just put them together at a table and two of them are sitting there. Annabelle's like, hi. And Carol's like, oh, hi. You want to buy some art? By the way, girl. Yes. Lately, my alcohol, my Instagram, excuse me. It's all Tokyo. Every post, Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo. You want to go to Tokyo? It's like, what?

1:03:32What? Guys, I just discovered this cool city.

1:03:37Ben Mandelker: It's called Tokyo. Tokyo? Hmm, sounds suspicious. How the fuck is Tamara's algo serving her only Tokyo? You guys, there have been a lot of stretches on this show. Guys, all I see right now in America is Tokyo, Tokyo, Tokyo. I mean, on every Real Housewives show, whenever they launch the trip, it's always in this really weird way. Like, that was so fun surfing. Anyway, guys, I was thinking, let's go to Belgium.

1:04:15I've been dying to go to Tokyo for three years. And Jen's like, oh my God, what is Tokyo like? Where is that?

1:04:25Ben Mandelker: Tokyo? Do you have to have all your toes to go there? I've only seen Tokyo in movies. What do they call them in Tokyo? Tokyo. Come back to you. Jen, where else would you have seen Tokyo outside of movies? Oh, I went to the supermarket and there was Tokyo.

1:04:51Carmela, are you going to come to Tokyo? Carmela's like, I mean.

1:04:57Ben Mandelker: Well, I mean, if I have to go to Tokyo, I might as well go to Tokyo, as long as they don't call me trash in Tokyo. Just don't make fun of my mother. That's all I don't know. Carmella, are you with us? Do you realize you're on television?

1:05:13One person in Tokyo is dying to me. Carmella.

1:05:20Ben Mandelker: It's a very clean city, so I'm worried that Carmella will not fit in.

1:05:27I'm excited about Japan, but I'm terrified. I'm already struggling with diabetes. That's sad.

1:05:37I can't. And it's not that that's not as serious. I don't know. Just with anything that she... And I don't hate her. I think she's so nice, too. I just... I have a question.

1:05:52Ben Mandelker: Who is diabetes, and why is Carmella fighting with her? Wait a minute. Then Vicky leaves. Where's Vicky? She said she had plans with Mark again. She's not feeling great. Me, sprain. So I'll go to shit.

1:06:09Ben Mandelker: So now we go to Carmella's client's house. In case you thought that was the climax of the episode, it was just a party in the middle of the episode. We're not even halfway through. Sorry, husbands. We got two more hours, everyone. Two more hours. All right. So basically we go through Carmella trying to teach Jen what a job is. She's walking through this house like this is what I do. I pick out things for houses. Like this whole house, this was a development. It was a project of something. I totally did myself. No, you didn't. But then she walks up to this marble thing. It's like, doesn't that look like a vagina?

1:06:51Ben Mandelker: Jen's like, hmm. Wow. is this like Tokyo? So then Carmela's like yeah so we did this, I bought this, we developed it and just you know it's like it's empowering to build houses and stuff and Jen's like so there was a house here and did you buy that house? You're in the house Jen the call is coming from inside the house and you're making it Tim's just putting together a little tent. No Jen no Jen sleeping in the front of the garage So Jen's like, well, I don't really know about what she's talking about, but I do know that is someone who's doing something and I approve of that. I'd love that for her.

1:07:35Thank you so much for bringing me here, Carmella. And Carmella's like, yeah, I hope you learned a lot. She learned that thing. You walk through a house and you're like, look, that marble looks like a vag. Okay. Here you go. All set for real estate development.

1:07:51Ben Mandelker: Then we go over to Emily's house, and Shane's just sitting at the counter. Emily's like, hey, do you want to have a conversation that'll bore America? Sure. Okay, let's do it. Shane's just look of constant disdain. He's like, hey, Shane, the dogs are barking. You should let the dogs in. I don't have to do anything.

1:08:18Well, could you let the dogs in? Wow, look at that Communication in a marriage Oh my god, I want to divorce both of you

1:08:29Ben Mandelker: Life is so overwhelming at home right now I feel like, oh no Life is like this Diet Coke Life is so overwhelming I'm falling out of my chair life is so overwhelming at home right now i feel like we're living the same nightmare again that's what the audience says the start of every season when you appear in the credits seems like wow you know being with emily is like being a duck on a pond you know i'm the part of the duck that's graceful and everybody loves it and they're like is that duck selling in. Oh, sorry, that's Emily. She's really graceful. Everyone just watches Emily pass by and says to themselves, wow, what grace.

1:09:22Me, I'm blowing legs on the duck. I'm making everything go. What are you making go? What are you guys doing that I'm not seeing here?

1:09:32Ben Mandelker: I know. Tamara's so mad. She's like, excuse me, I've been the other one and I'm just allowed to talk about ducks. Go fuck a duck. Oh, yeah. Fuck a duck. That was my thing for a season. I'm so upset that none of you guys remember that, bitch. So she bitches about the kid some more. Luke. Luke. Oh, it's Luke. Oh, look, we were at the Persian party the other day. I got 97 messages from Luke to block him. Shane, you're not helping. and now on top of everything else, we have to go to Tamara's because Tamara's having a party. It's for couples. So we see a flashback of Tamara being like, Hey guys, I'm having a party.

1:10:14The launch of my 10 milligram seltzer. Yeah, everyone's gonna come.

1:10:20Ben Mandelker: So this is somehow the reason why we're getting every housewife for the past 20 years, to celebrate seltzer. To celebrate Tamara's weed seltzer. So we go over and we find out that this Vena party... Vena. It's like weed, but you drink it. So we go to this party, and guess who's hosting the party? It's me, Elizabeth Vargas. Samra. Unbelievable. Undeniable. Hippocratical. Unbescoovable. Inconceivable. Unbelievable. It's me, the same old Elizabeth Vargas, with a hotter man and a different mansion. That's right. I'm off the show and I'm in a mansion. Get ready, everyone. This cabaret is bigger than you've ever seen before.

1:11:13How did Elizabeth Vargas not last 30 years? And she doesn't even say anything. But every time they show her, she's like, ha.

1:11:20Ben Mandelker: Ha. Welcome to my foyer. Take a seat. I don't understand. Do whatever you want. Life is a cabaret. Elizabeth Vargas had one of the greatest backstories. She's like, well, I was raised in a cult. It was a cult, see? It was such a cult. I ran away from the cult. Then I went to a piano bar. I started singing. I was doing dinner theater. And I met this guy at a piano bar. And he gave me my own dinner theater. I married the guy. What a piece of shit that guy was. Am I right? Undeniable. Unbelievable. It was a cult. It was a cult. I didn't marry that guy, unfortunately. I did take a bus with him. I've never been on a bus.

1:11:57Like she was compulsively lying and just making random shit up.

1:12:01Ben Mandelker: Yeah, she had like Lamborghinis. She's like, oh, here's my Lamborghini. And she had one of those doors that like, remember the top opens and like the bottom could stay closed, the top could open. She's like, ah, welcome to my coffee shop. Just kidding, it's just my foyer. Come on in. Anyway, I'm so rich now I have a side mansion that I can let Gina try to sell. She couldn't even do that. Anyway, unbelievable, undeniable. Unbelievable, undeniable. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. So the ladies start coming over. Elizabeth Marcus. Thank you. Thank you. Scattered applause turned into real applause. Was Vicky going to be here at this party?

1:12:40What does she say? She's going to whoop it up? No real housewife is going to say whoop it up. Every single person on Ultimate Girls, every housewife they show is like, how do you say it? Whoop it up? What do you think is that? They're not going to give Vicky that. now everybody's getting ready for this party blah blah, Faith and Carmella

1:13:00Ben Mandelker: yeah we see Vicky and Michael in the car Michael has just come out of his Kenny Rogers roasters oven I was like what happened to this man and Vicky's like thank you for not being at work tonight thank you for coming down to that level not working and he's like I can always get off if I want I'm like I can't after that But you know what? I think you do need to take off. You do take care of me better. You take care of me better. I think I take care of you pretty good. I take care of you pretty good, Vicky. The guys on this show are just miserable, huh? Yeah, it's terrible. There's Shane. There's Mike.

1:13:40There's Eddie.

1:13:45Ben Mandelker: Yeah, I'm Eddie. They're so sad. Well, meanwhile, we have Heather and Terry in a car head into the party. Terry's not sad. No. He's rich, though. Well, you wouldn't be able to tell what his emotions are. So Heather's like, he's frozen in time. So Heather is like, oh, Terry, Tamara mentioned that she invited some surprises. Gina then texted me, like, an hour ago and said, do you think Alexis and John are coming? And I gave this emoji.

1:14:22Ben Mandelker: It's a hand on the head. Have you seen your emojis lately? It's in there. Go take a look, Terry, and then you can laugh. Look. Jesus. Next page. Keep scrolling. All right. Keep scrolling. All right. You went too far. Go back. You'll see it was a very funny emoji that I sent. Oh, this is good. Hold on. I'm looking for a fish spine emoji. Fish spine. Fish spine emoji. God, John Jansen and Alexis God, is Shannon going to be there tonight? How is Shannon going to be dealing? I don't know, but we're about to 5150 that bitch. What do you call it? Why do I always forget the number? 5150 is correct and we're going to do a tour tonight.

1:15:09Ben Mandelker: Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!

1:15:17I love that. You will die. How dare you call me? Shannon, are you okay? I don't think Shannon's okay. We should call somebody for Shannon.

1:15:26Ben Mandelker: And then, of course, at the mere mention of Alexis Bellino, we get, of course, the flashback of, well, oh, well, you know, well, thank you for taking him for me. And Alexis goes, well, you know what? What the real issue here is that I have your ex-boyfriend, and if you don't like it, there's the door, Shannon-ba-door. That's right. I rhyme door with door. And then Shannon just looks straight into the camera and went, perfect. Is this going to be my season? So they're talking about Shannon. Would she have a fit? Now that she sees Alexis, I believe you know what to do. So Tammy Knickerbocker is our first housewife.

1:16:04Ben Mandelker: Yeah, Tammy Knickerbocker.

1:16:10Ben Mandelker: Tammy's like, how do you recognize you with brown hair? She's always had brown hair. Tammy's so underhanded. She's like, oh my God, how do you still look that good after eating all those cakes? I'm not the judge on Great British Bake Off. That's not me. Then Gina Keough arrives. Hey, guys. Meet Gina. I'm glad that Gina's not on at the same time as Emily. And I'm also glad that Emily's not on at the same time as Kelly Dodd. Well, they were. I know. We just have to do the same thing over and over. And then Emily's just coming. They were. They got into that fight that one time. You're a nerd. You're a nerd.

1:16:50Ben Mandelker: Take your back. Take that back. You're a nerd. I'm violent. You're violent. Full kill. I'm violent.

1:17:02So Gina comes. Tammy's there. Who else? They're literally saying nothing.

1:17:07Ben Mandelker: When the people are showing up, I was like, who's going to be next? Quinn Fry. And then guess what? Quinn Fry. Quinn Fry. She's like, hi, I'm Quinn Fry. I'm a cougar. I'm a cougar and I like to wear a wig once in a while. That was what her season was. It was also the first season I got into the house. That was season three. Quinn Fry is old school. I'm charismatic. Yeah, so there's a lot of small talk. Like, wow, what do you think about the air conditioning here? Well, that's stupid. Right, right. So Heather goes up to the bar. And she gets a drink, like, in a big martini glass. And she's like, um...

1:17:55Excuse me. Is there coffee in this?

1:18:02Ben Mandelker: They're like, oh my god, we forgot to put the coffee into your espresso martini. Mmm.

1:18:12Well, maybe we could just do this again.

1:18:16Ben Mandelker: Hold on. Hold on one second. Oh my God, camera, there's a UFO. If you ever serve me an espresso martini without espresso again, it will cost you a lot. That's not a promise. That is a threat.

1:18:41They're just trying to trigger Heather. I know. Because this guy, no one is this much of a dodo bird. He's like, yeah, I just forgot to put the coffee in the espresso martini. Okay, go ahead.

1:18:53Ben Mandelker: Well, because I am approachable and I can talk to the poor's, and because I am late in life smart, what you made me was actually a black Russian. He's just looking behind him like... It's a drink. It's a drink. It's a country and it's a color. See, think about it together. Smart and talented. I do apologize. Oh! Mmm. If only apologies were drinkable.

1:19:37Ben Mandelker: Let me ask you this. When you woke up today, did you say, you know what I want to do? serve a television star a terrible drink? Because that's what you did. A smart television star. I wish I could say I wasn't going to laugh about this moment with Park overall later, but I can't. But you know what? As long as you're remaking the drink, just make two. Just make two as punishment. Okay, so Emily comes up and she's like, Heather, look what I've got on the necklace you gave me. It's like, oh, it looks so good. Carmella's not the only one that can buy friendships. Yeah, we literally see two months earlier, with no context, Heather just gives Emily a Chanel necklace.

1:20:28Ben Mandelker: Here you go, poor.

1:20:34So Carmella comes, blah, blah, everyone's coming, you know. And then Joe comes, and they're like, oh my God, here comes Joe. And then, like, every scene that Joe comes back on, or every season, we're like, but why? Yeah. Didn't she ever go home and think, God, I really could have done something. They finally brought me back, and I could have done something. No, she doesn't. And she's fine with it. And I love that for her.

1:21:00Ben Mandelker: The pilot of The Real Housewives of Orange County, if anyone has seen it recently, features a scene of Joe just staring at Kaepernick's. Oh, it's even better. She's like, it's so hard being, like, a trophy girlfriend. I don't have any way to spend my time. And then he just cuts to her in the kitchen and she's opening a cabinet door and closing the cabinet door and opening the cabinet door. Lizzie, Lizzie Rufchak shows up. So she's, Fernanda is there. Lynn Curtin shows up, which makes me happy. Lynn's like, hi. Remember when she got her facelift and she had the donut thing around her head? her face has been frozen in that position since then.

1:21:49Some people have all the luck. Like, what is your doctor's name? I can't freeze my face as hard as I fucking try. I mean, kind of. It still moves so much. Look, does this look frozen to you?

1:22:02Fucking people. And they try. It's like a horse shot. They're like holding me down like, here, it's a moor! Well, my face won't stop. So anyway, I get jealous of these people. So Heather, okay, so now Heather gets to the real meet. She's like, by the way, another surprise we might all be getting, Alexis and John Jansen. They're like, oh no, what are we going to do with Shannon? Well, I went on, watch what happens live.

1:22:27Ben Mandelker: Thank you, thank you. And they said, oh my God, you were so good in Pretty Woman. I said, no different artists, but thank you. And then I said, nine divided by three is three square root. I'm smart, you see. They said, well, are you going to Alexis's wedding? And I said, you know, I approve of people getting married and good for her. No.

1:22:56I sent an emoji that looked like this.

1:23:02Ben Mandelker: Are you familiar with the emojis? You can find them in Tokyo.

1:23:09I've known Alexis for years and we're not the best of friends but we've always had a nice relationship because we both have LGBTQ children listen, LGBTQ people don't all like each other neither should their parents that's what I say

1:23:23Ben Mandelker: well apparently Alexis got really mad that Heather was like yeah, I don't know about this wedding and Alexis went on to two T's and was like if you're 50 years old and you have to choose a lane then you are feckless, lacking initiative, and strength in character. That's what it means. Thank you for your great service, ChatGPT, for writing that out for her. 12 points for feckless, though. Did you see that one coming? I know, I really did not see that. Bronwyn Windenberg comes. She's like, oh my god, our boobs are all out. It's me, bro. This is amazing. I have a wife now. Look at my wife. Oh my god, people are drinking her.

1:24:02I don't do that anymore, remember? This is so great. That's my wife. everybody.

1:24:07Ben Mandelker: Unbelievable. Undrinkable. Now she's a lesbian. It's Bronwyn Windenburg. Jan, it's me, Elizabeth. You, I've seen you on Instagram. And let me tell you something. You are as much of a lesbian in real life as you are on Instagram. Fantastic. Good for you. I was so excited when I thought that Bronwyn was dating Howard Stern, but it turns out it's you, Jen, I am show proud. Howard Stern. So Tamara's like, that lady did nothing to us. Doesn't matter. Look, it's a boring season. We'll just take what we can get. We have to call a passing lady on the show who's on there for one second Howard Stern. That's just what we'll do.

1:24:54Ben Mandelker: So Tamara's like, she's like, Vicky and Mike come in and Tamara's like, I think it's great that Mike is here. I feel like it makes Vicky feel good and I think the ladies to see Mac with Vicky. They stop asking questions. They stop poking her, which they should anyway because she's got brain damage. Then we go over to Shannon and Emily and Jen are like, hey, sorry, it's this fucking iPad. I'm telling you. I will get it. Okay, so, hey, you know what, Shannon? Guess what? Nothing's going on at this party, but Alexis Molino's coming with John Jansen. You want to cry about it? I mean, I could give a shit.

1:25:39Ben Mandelker: I mean, I don't even care. I'm totally, totally unbothered. 30 to 40 negative thoughts happening right now. Okay. Yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I am.

1:25:53David? I like when Shannon doesn't care so much that she leans into it.

1:25:58Ben Mandelker: She's like, who cares? I don't care. I don't, I don't. She starts waving in a plane. She's like, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't even. It's like what I'm saying. I don't care. I don't care. You are cleared. This runway is open. I don't care. Come on in. But what are you going to do if he comes up to you? What if Alexis passes you? She goes, I'll do this. Hello.

1:26:28Ben Mandelker: She sticks her tongue out to do it. Yeah. So then come Alexis and John, and Heather's like, oh, there's Alexis Bellino.

1:26:43And Alexis just comes in, and she's like, hmm, hmm.

1:26:46Ben Mandelker: It's just clueless. Alexis doesn't know what's happening. They're like paused. I guess production's like, you can't walk in yet, so she's just staring up. But John sees, and John's like, hey. John who as you may remember was really fiercely protective of his privacy is back here on the show

1:27:06Ben Mandelker: looking for the cameras what an asshole thank you what an asshole for people who are listening at home someone just said what an asshole and we agree those two kids have stayed together a long time now John Jansen and Alexis it's been like two years that's like 45 years in Orange County terms that's a long time to be stuck with either one of those people I give both of them individual credit for sticking with each other so Heather's like oh here's an update I just did this to a non-famous person and she gave me a look it was a look like this

1:27:47Ben Mandelker: do you know I once did that to Rita Rudner and she ran away I'll never forget Well, I'm sure she did give Heather a look. I'm sure. It was probably like, whoop, whoop, whoop. So Tamara comes over. She's like, oh, hi, Mrs. Shannon. It's good to see you. So made to try. Remember when I was at your wedding? Hello, let's get a selfie. Let's do it right by Shannon. Come closer to Shannon. Shannon, look, your ass is here. It's made to somebody who's not a friend. Oh, my God. You know what? Tamara, look. My boobs. My boobs are smaller. My boobs got smaller. My love for Jesus got bigger. Okay, look at them.

1:28:32Ben Mandelker: Look at them, Tamara. She's like, oh, my God. They're small, bitch. Yeah. You know what? Maybe Shannon might get triggered because Alexis is here with her ex, but it's not my job to tell Shannon just because I'm a fan. Yes, it is. Oh, my God. You non-toxic person. Fucking monster. By the way, Alexis, did Heather give you a look? And she's like, what? I mean, Heather said that she gave you a look. Are you fucking kidding me, Tamara? She said give you a look. Are you fucking kidding me? Heather said that. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. John, let's go. I'm not doing this. To be fair, we do have this cut.

1:29:15Ben Mandelker: We cut back to like a few minutes prior. and for whatever reason we see Alexis going like who are you air kissing to? Vicky Tannis off in the bushes or something? I'm leaving. I will not take this. I will not have someone attacking my character. Wait a second. Do you mean to say that you blew a kiss to Heather and she didn't see it and Heather's acting like you didn't blow a kiss to her? That's just not right. You guys are bad about it? I'm going. I'm going. So Alexis is storming off over literally nothing just so she can have a scene and get back on the show. Alexis is literally terrible at what she does, but she just tries so hard.

1:30:04And there's something to that.

1:30:08Ben Mandelker: Yeah. I agree. I mean, I've never thought Alexis was a very good housewife. She was for a while. Well, she was a great newscaster. That, yes. That was great. Here I am. There's a fire. There's a fire. There's a cat and a tree. Oh my god, there's a cat and a tree. But they saved the cat. Oh, thank god. So Alexis storms out. She's like, no, no. There's the door, Alexis Bedore. And so she storms out. So she goes after. They both go out there to have a a conversation because Tamara's going to calm down Alexis because Alexis is her guest and it's very important that all guests at Tamara's party feel comfortable except for Shannon.

1:30:55Yes. And Shannon, meanwhile, is staying pretty unperturbed and she's being so catty in her corner. She's like, oh, well, Alexis and John, is that the suit that I bought John? Pretty funny, still wearing that. That's how non-mothered I am by John. You know, every trash can needs a lid.

1:31:15Ben Mandelker: every kiss begins with K. Am I right? That doesn't really work there, but you know what I mean, K. So Alexis is still, and of course, oh, I'm so sorry. No, I'm just muttering off into the distance as I think about my life and my loves and how awful it was that Archie drove into that house.

1:31:40Now it's, I think of that wedding ring and I... Oh, Archie. I think of that relationship with David and I think, wow, every kiss really does begin with... K. K. K. I guess you're not going to kiss me then. Every kiss begins with betrayal. So Alexis is still having her storm off, but nobody cares. She's like standing at the curb in front of... Like the house is fenced. So she's in front of a fence. No one can even see her. And she's like, I am so mad, Tamara. I am leaving. And Joe's just standing there like.

1:32:19Ben Mandelker: Yeah. So Tamara and Alexis are like, come in. But she's like, no, I'm mad. And she's like, well, now we can't even go back in because we're locked out. And they do that sitcom thing. There's always a sitcom episode where people go up to the roof and they're locked out. And then John Jansen comes out. But then he doesn't hold the thing. And now all three of them are locked out. I was like, guys, is this Perfect Strangers, which takes place in the Great City of Chicago? Hey, Heather, you need to go talk to Alexis because she's really upset. Nothing's happening in this episode. We've got to sell my weed drink.

1:32:48So go out there and make something happen, Heather. And Heather's like, oh, well, this seems a little bit disproportionate to me. Do you know what that means, Alexis? She's like, meh, feckless, feckless witch.

1:33:02Ben Mandelker: Oh, I forgot you're not in the talented or the smart box

1:33:11Yeah, but I said did you make a face together and she said I didn't do nothing Tamara and then she left just as Heather goes out there and she's like hmm Listen Alexis you gave me a look and that's how I felt And if you don't like it you can take that Alexis is just like, oh my god, why does anyone owe you anything, Heather? Why are you so caught? What is this?

1:33:37Ben Mandelker: Heather's world, Heather? How dare you bring up my failed sitcom that never made it to air? Okay, caught up in my world, you're the one who takes a comment of mine and spins it out in the press. And of course it gets lots of traction, as I am quite a large celebrity. but that's besides the point. I use the term press loosely. It was two T's in a pod. You run to the press. And so Tamara's like, No, no, no. I can't believe there's a fight because they brought Alexis to my party. I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my mother the first time she ever painted something. Go, just go. This is terrible.

1:34:26Get out of here. What are you, smart? Hope you're smart, because you're certainly not talented, mother. What were we talking about?

1:34:37Ben Mandelker: And scene. And that is the end of Real Housewives of Orange County. Chicago, thank you so much for having us back. We love you. Thanks for coming out on a Sunday night. Thank you, Chicago. And have a great night, everyone. We'll see you when we come back. Good night. Let's love you, man. Walk into the club, everybody say my name. Walk into the mall and insane. Everywhere I go, people holler every day. I reach my hands up and holler back. Hey, Bats. Hey, Bats. Hey, Bats. If you don't know me, you're welcome to blow me. Bats. Hey, Bats. Hey, Bats. Every day's a parade. Don't even try to shave Magazines and blogs Twitter, Facebook and Insta I pulled them all Cause when I play I went up People magazine called and said I'm the man Asked me lots of questions I answered every one Hey Batch Hey Batch Hey Batch You pretend not to love me But don't think you're above me Batch Hey Batch Hey Batch You can try to hate me But life celebrates me Boy, Batch, Batch Batch, Batch, Batch, all around the world, even Shrek, set the stretch, Batch, Batch, Batch, Batch, read the holy book, even God saved the wretch, Batch.

1:36:21Batch.

1:36:22Ben Mandelker: Watch what crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors Ain't no thing like Alison King Our way is the Amber way It's the Foster and the Furious It's Amanda Foster It's Always Automatic with Ashley Otto Put your hands together for Carly Clapp Get on the right foot with Chrissy Offord She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela Itchles We never miss her call, it's Diane Call Big yay, it's Emily Gauthier Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trick-a-less Havanagila Weber. You'll never hide from Heidi Eleanor Jones. It's no BS. We love Hugo ES. Jamie, she has no last namey. Sips some scotch with Jessica Trotch.

1:37:02She's our pal-a-ger. It's Karen Gallagher.

1:37:05Ben Mandelker: She's our favorite streamer, Caroline Peacock. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Fresh as a daisy, it's Maisie McHenry. Come again? We're obsessed with Margaret O 'Halloran. Megan Berg. You can't have a burger without the berg. I love-a-ya, Olivia Williamson. She's the lady of the house. It's Rachel Sharaus. She sure is swell. It's Raquel. Yes, we canna. It's Sadana. Cast a spell with Shannon Spellman. Let's share with Sharon Eldridge. Darn skippy. It's tippy. And our super premium sponsors. She's VVIP. It's Amanda V. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva.

1:37:49Let's get real with Caitlin O 'Neill. Put us on a stretcher. It's Charlotte Fletcher. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides.

1:37:59Ben Mandelker: Who, what, why, where, and Gwen Pentland. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. My favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. Let's get savage with Laura Wildman. In the study with a candlestick, it's Leslie Peacock. We're ride or die for Lisa Ryder Barron. She's a whiz, it's Liz Sarthy Always killin' it, it's Lola Alkalani Roger that, it's Marlis Rogers The incredible edible Matthews sisters She eases our woes, it's Melissa St. Rose She's our princess, it's Rebecca Prince She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke We cannot tell a lie, it's Sarah Tellefson Yes we canna, it's Savannah Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony Please don't stop, it's Soli and Pop Let's take off with Tamla Plain Strike a pose, it's Tori Rose.

1:38:49She ain't no shrinking Violet Kuchar. We love you guys.

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