Dwell Hello #513: High Stakes in Hells Canyon

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2:03Ding dong Ding ding ding ding ding dong

2:15Ben Mandelker: Wooo, woo, woo, well hello Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. It's a Watch What Crappens House Hunters podcast. Hey, Ronnie, how's it going? Well, hello, you little Benoony toons. Everything is going great. Let me tell you, I'm extremely grateful for my abode today. After watching House Hunters. Wow. Wow. This episode that we're talking about today, it's season 240, episode one, High Stakes in Hell's Canyon. This is House Hunters volume 10. Really, look it up on Macs. It's High Stakes in Hell's Canyon. And what was special about this one. Was this recommended to us by anyone or was this one that you just found?

3:04Ben Mandelker: This was recommended. You say what's special about it and I will find out who recommended it. Here's what's special about it. This was not just any House Hunters episode. this was part of a house hunters remote locations or something like that like it was a variation on house hunters where i had like a little mountain logo and the idea is that um it's looking at really remote locations so it was crazy and it made my blood boil i got so mad at these people because i just i hated that they were even doing this i hated their decisions i hated their choices I hated their taste levels. I hated that.

3:41Ben Mandelker: Like we had to sit and watch them. Hem and haw about three places that they should never even be moving to in the first place.

3:50Ben Mandelker: In other words, I love the episode. This was recommended to us by Madeline. Thanks, Madeline. Great call. This is also a newer episode. So to the newer ones, a lot of the times we've had a couple of times here doing dwell. Hello, where the cast members of the show have contacted us. Okay. Let me just say cast members. Don't listen to this if this is about you. We're mean to you for literally no reason. People on House Hunters generally don't even do anything wrong. You're innocent people. You do one episode of a show. You really don't deserve to be dragged through the mud or across the coals and treated like crap.

4:23But we do it anyway because it's our hobby, you know? Yeah. And we've done it to nice people, and then they get their feelings hurt. So don't listen to this. And if you do, we do not mean this. Okay. That said, now, what you were saying about the, why are you even doing this? I thought the same thing. You know, I had a year of reading a lot of Westerns. I read all the Lonesome Dove books. Then recently I read Blood Meridian, which was horrifying. So I've read a lot of Westerns. And one thing I have gotten from all of these Westerns is we can complain about whatever we want in our current world.

4:57And I'm not saying it's great, but it sure as hell a lot better than it was during the pioneer days. So I watch an episode like this and I'm like why are you purposely going back to the pioneer days we have plumbing now you know what I mean why are you doing this on purpose and what do you think is going to happen in a place

5:11Ben Mandelker: called hell's canyon yeah and I'm supposed to sit here and feel bad for you that you're like oh god wow I'm I want to live all the way up a river two hours from civilization but like what about medical I'm like you know you know it's a way to get um close to medical facilities don't live up a river live in a house in a town. Okay. Why you got to put the ambulance in danger? You know what I mean? Like these are horrible people. And let me tell you something else. These are swingers. These are people who want, they say they want nothing but to be together. They're liars. They're both fucking other people.

5:46I can see it in her face especially. That lady is a bored swinger and she puts her keys in bowls even when you don't ask her to. She's like, where's the key bowl? These people are swingers. Who are you going to fuck out there? And do they trim their pubic hair?

5:59Ben Mandelker: And I also believe that they are probably doomsday preppers. Like these are two people who are moving up to this remote river because they think the end of the world is nigh. I don't care what else they say. This is why they're moving up there. They're going up there to fuck with other doomsday preppers. We all know. We all know what's happening. Yeah, but guess where they test all those missiles? Hell's Canyon. That's where they test them. They test them in remote places that nobody can get to. Yeah. So here comes Linda I'm very upset Audra and Paul are moving from Clay Elm, Washington To Hell's Canyon, Idaho They're ready to live in one of the country's most remote valleys On the Snake River Where one of them will trip on a rock They won't be able to get medical attention And they'll die of gangrene

6:49Anyone heard of sepsis lately? You will soon Now in this remote part of the canyon There are no roads and properties are only accessible by aircraft or boats. And it's definitely not for the faint of heart. Because if you are faint of heart, you're going to die here because you can't get to a hospital.

7:08Ben Mandelker: So we see Audra and Paul and they're like driving with their dog in the backseat. And Paul's like, well, I'm just going to check the flow real quickly just to make sure we know what's going on since we haven't had water for a little bit. So I don't even know. He's like, thanks, Paul. So he says, we're moving from Clay Ellum, Washington, to Hell's Canyon, Idaho. Clay Ellum is very fast growing over the last few years. So the reason we'd like to move down here to Hell's Canyon is this is more of a still a small town feel. So we see an overhead shot of this Clay Ellum place. I looked not a single traffic light.

7:42Ben Mandelker: Okay. There was like a general store, a cafe, a church and like five buildings. This is like that tiny town on Grand Theft Auto that you drive to when you finally make it out of the city. He's like, whoa, the big city life. Am I right? We need something that's more small town. I'm like, you were in this small town. Girl, you know, they probably saw one guy in eyeliner at a Starbucks. That's exactly what it was. The big city's here. We got to go. The damn liberals are here. A liberal moved to Clay Ellum, and he's like, uh-oh. It's getting too big city around these parts. Got to go to the small town places.

8:16I saw a Kamala bumper sticker. We're out.

8:20Ben Mandelker: Yeah, in order to have a small town feel, there has to be a town, by the way. It can't just be a pebble on the side of a raging river. This is not a small town feel. This is a outhouse in the desert feel. This is not even a town. What are you talking about, Paul? You're going to see Kevin Bacon come floating down on a raft with Meryl Streep being terrorized in two seconds where you're living. This is not a small town. This is a movie called The River Wild. This is literally so dangerous. When I moved into my house, I was showing my mom pictures and she said, what are you on top of a hill? I said, yeah, it's up a very steep driveway.

8:54I said, that's the biggest sticking point. It's really steep. And she goes, Ronnie, you're too old to be moving up hills. You're going to die in that house. I was like, geez. And she goes, if you need help, you can't get it. No one can get to you. No one's going to walk up a hill.

9:10Ben Mandelker: You know what? I normally would be like, I agree with her. But then I see this fucking episode. I'd be like, no, at least you don't live up a river two hours from civilization. And then you're going to make everyone's life hell. And then all of a sudden, you know, a helicopter is going to come out and have to save you and cost people thousands of dollars. They're going to raise the premiums on everyone because your ass wanted to live in a house up a river because your quote unquote small town is becoming too big city feeling because you saw a Starbucks cup that was just pure red. Yeah, girl. I know.

9:43But I told my mom, listen, I know I'm going to die at home. And I'm fine with that because I went to the hospital one time for blood pressure and it cost me$11 ,000. so fuck it I'm dying at home anyway who would go to the doctor now anyway it's all bullshit

9:57Ben Mandelker: I'm with Paul I'm about to say you're about to move up a river yourself I just talked myself into it so then Paul tells us in my work I manage properties and I'm able to do that from pretty much anywhere so this seems to be a good time to be remote if my property has a problem and you tell me sorry I can't get there till Wednesday because I live two hours up a river I'm suing your ass yeah i definitely had the question when he said that like what kind of property manager are you that you're not there i've never known i'm from a real estate family my aunt is the property manager she has to have her ass there she can't just be offfalutin all over the all over the place what are you doing you got to be there she's got a huge chain of keys she's got a huge key ring around her her polyester pants and an afro because she's a very dedicated lesbian what is she doing without those keys if she doesn't have to be in these homes get your ass back into your small town that you're claiming is the next coming of new york city and manage those properties on site okay don't go up a river please yeah paul's a property manager not for long i can tell you that yeah so uh paul paul's saying oh it'll be a good day to ride up the river there's a lot of water today so audra tells us well we met on the river about four years ago i'd seen this guy i don't know his name and then two weeks later i got a message and he's like let's go on a date signed paul from the river and i thought well he didn't even sign it and the way that she talks about it she goes yeah i was at uh as the river i seen this guy like oh no by the way audra have you ever seen a more defeated person audra literally her head is kind of like lopped over to the side.

11:42She never smiles. And she's just like, yeah, I've seen this guy. And I guess he found me somewhere. And Paul's like, yeah, river community. Everybody gets to know everybody up here. Didn't take long. I was like, okay, you fucking stalker. What a weirdo.

11:58Ben Mandelker: There's also only eight people up there. It's not a huge accomplishment to get to know eight other people. This sounds like my biggest nightmare, by the way. He's like, yeah, you know, small town community. Everyone knows everybody. That's not what I want. You know, I don't want that. So now they're on this boat. They're on like a special boat that can like drive up rapids run by their friend Scott, who is a crazy boat driver who just does donuts in the middle of the river. And I was like, hey, see any big orange sheep up there? Like, Audra, how many times do I have to tell you? There are no big horn sheep in the river.

12:33Ben Mandelker: Okay. This is not big horn sheep country. This is river country. I want to see a big horn sheep, though. Okay. I will say this. Scott, the friend who's driving the boat because they have to take boats everywhere and Scott's like the driver. Now that's a daddy. Scott was not a stock. He is a daddy. I moved there for Scott. He's also terrifying. There's like one moment where he accelerates and he has this look on his face like I was like oh my god this guy is scary. But hot. Scott, yeah Scott moved to Hell's Canyon because he wants everybody to die there. You know? He's like I'm taking you to hell with me.

13:06But I'm hot. So he's like yeah Hell's Canyon. Oh Paul's like, yeah, Hell's Canyon, gigantic playground with a river. There's no playground here, Paul. It's rocks and a river and sun. And then they're like, yeah, it gets to 110 degrees here. It's like, great. It's no air conditioner. We'll have to think about it. What the fuck is wrong with you two? You two don't look like you smell the best as it is. I don't want to smell you in 110 degree weather.

13:29Ben Mandelker: Can't wait to go hang out on my beach with the spiky rocks and the rattlesnakes in the water that's polluted with Scott's boat. so scott's boat scott's boat catching strays paul's i hated that fucking boat they kept on cutting to it like swirling like just like doing these 180s and like i was like could you please relax could you just drive the boat straight so paul's nothing else to do they don't have cable out there poor man yeah and just out there doing donuts on his boat by the way that's not a donut boat anyway it's like a big but it's a fairly big boat to be driving like that and there's like they're riding in this boat and the dog's in the boat with them and this guy's doing donuts and swirling around i'm like come on there's a dog in here he's probably terrified so paul's like i'm addicted to running white white white water so this is the jet boat capital of the world uh it's also the medical emergency failure capital of the world um it's got its own set of challenges but it's also very rewarding because sure do we have roads no do we have rattlesnakes yes can you get bitten by a rattlesnake?

14:39Ben Mandelker: Yes. But can you get quick medical attention for that rattlesnake bite? No. It's fun up here. He says this as a positive. He goes you know there's just something about not having an interstate. Yeah. What do you have instead? You've got freaking Scott. Okay you don't have an interstate but you've got Scott terrorizing all the animals while he does Papa Wheelies with his boat coming up the river at 300 miles per hour. So Chiron At almost 8 ,000 feet deep Hell's Canyon is the deepest gorge In North America Where do you live? The deepest gorge in North America? Where the fuck do you live? I also think that when Paul says there's just something about Not having an interstate I think it's absolutely not worth it Because who needs to get anywhere For food and medical well Audra loves it Audra like kills children or something.

15:39Are there something weird about Audra? She's like yeah Capra's trying to get me now. Good luck getting down the gorge.

15:46Ben Mandelker: Suckers And Scott goes hey hey I think we can get a fish here. Let's see if we can. Yeah get a sturgeon. I want a big one. There's no fucking fish around because Scott was driving this boat like he was trying to avoid lightning boats. Yeah Even the fish are like, we need to move to a place with a freeway. Those people are losers. Does this place have medical? Say it again. Does this estuary have medical? Yeah. Scott's like, there's not many people around here living so, especially full time. And Paul's like, ah, it's going to be good. All right, so what are you guys looking for? And Audra says she wants a furnished one bedroom, which apparently is not going to happen.

16:29But something else I noticed here, these homes are expensive. These are not cheap homes. I mean, you would think living in the middle of nowhere with no toilet or electricity or whatever, they would be cheaper. But they're like, oh, well, we could possibly go up to$8 trillion. Sure. That sounds.

16:48Ben Mandelker: Ronnie, yes, there's no toilet in some of these. Yes, there's no electricity. Yes, there's no Internet. Yes, there's no stove. But you do get rattlesnakes. So hello. So that's going to add to that price tag. And on the bright side again, no freeways. So no freeways and lots of orgies. So actually they're looking for a three bedroom. She just said, I want a fully furnished one. Like I want a fully furnished house. I want, I want a furnished one. Yeah. And yeah, I like when Scott says, yeah, there are not a lot of people that live up here. A lot of people that die up here though. A lot of people that die.

17:23Ben Mandelker: They'll live, but they die. A lot of people wish they were dead here. So, um, Audra says I couldn't imagine bringing furniture up the river. God. I'm like, yeah, you know what else I couldn't imagine having to bring anything up that river just to live. Yeah. I can't imagine like the people that have to do my estate sale when I die on the land, you know? So Scott, so Audra is like, yeah, you know, we gotta have three bedrooms cause we got friends. They'll come visit lots. So, you know, open concept, quote unquote.

17:57I get it. I get it.

17:59Ben Mandelker: I'll try swingers go up the river with the swinger swinger party. So they want like 1200 square feet, which is really not that big considering that they're three. What would you say? A three bedroom at 1200 square feet. How does that work? That's like a, that's like a little LA apartment, you know? So, and then she's like, I want it to be easy to clean and low maintenance. Okay, great. Well, I hate to tell you, tell you something but you're moving to like a dusty ass gorge everything we see is like dirt and dust and say I want to be clean easy to clean how about you don't live in the dirt where you have to take an ATV just to get from your boat to your house well so another fishing and Alder's like we got to have a view of sunset and sunrise I want both the sunset and the sunrise I want windows everywhere we're gonna have a TV here okay okay settle down watch days of our lives on fucking Paul's back here.

18:52Give me some sun.

18:55Ben Mandelker: Sunrise, sunset. You know where's a good place to see a sunrise? Not in this town. Getting a little too big city with that sunrise, sunset full coming in.

19:07Ben Mandelker: You know where's a good place to see a sunrise and a sunset? Not in a gorge. It's high walls. I was thinking that too. At first I thought, why do you want that in like a desert environment? Because the sun's going to be coming in, but there is no it's a gorge there's no sign you're gonna get like from like 11 a.m to 2 p.m you see the sun yeah so uh they're like gotta have a view i'm like i have a feeling you'll be able to see a view since there's nothing else around but mountain river so yeah so um audra's like where's that fish at scott and he goes oh they're out there somewhere i mean usually they're in the water Audra?

19:42She's like, yeah, I'd do him.

19:44Ben Mandelker: I'd do him. So then Paul wants solar. Not solar. I don't know why I said solar. He wants solar. He's like, something that's got full sun. So he also feels like having satellite internet is very important because if something happens, we can call for help. We won't actually be helped, but at least we can call for help. People can know what was happening when we're dying. Someone in space will know that we're dying. Also, I think it's hilarious that he's like, gotta have satellite internet i'm like that's an that's an amenity i think i think you can i think no matter where you live you can probably make that happen you can probably call up the company and they'll they'll install it for you don't worry for like five dollars because on my phone it says sat going into satellite mode or whatever when there's not service it never works it's never worked for anything so does that work i think like satellite internet is different than that like SOS.

20:38Ben Mandelker: Is that what you're talking about? What goes SOS? And there's a put up below. Yeah. I looked up what the symbol meant online. Cause I didn't know what it meant. And it said satellite mode. Yeah. I think something that's like dedicated for like satellite internet is like more effective than like when our phones do it. I almost feel like when your phone goes into satellite mode, it's kind of like being like, okay, we're not working right now, but we want to make it seem like we are working and we want to blame satellite. Okay. Yeah. Oh gosh. Okay. So, um, satellite's important. They can call for help, but he wants to stay around 700 grand.

21:09And I'm shocked by that number. Because normally on this show, they're like, I want to spend about$10 and I'd like a mansion with a pool. But he's, I think for living in a gorge, 700 is pretty good.

21:20Ben Mandelker: Yeah. So now they're putting a boat in the water. And Scott's like, welcome to Hills Canyon, guys. And then here comes Heather, the real estate agent. She's like, surprise. You thought Scott was the realtor. Guess what? He's not. He's just our boat chauffeur. I'm Heather. Heather's whole thing is that she precedes every piece of bad news with, you know what? Like if they're like, does this have a stove? You know what? It doesn't. Heather is what happens when a very ambitious person gets stuck in a gorge. There's no beauty salon. I mean, this girl is doing everything on her own. And I mean, I, you know, lift my glass to her.

22:03And when I lift it, I say, run. what are you doing here you have ambition get out of this town but she's here and she's trying and she's trying her toxic positivity but unfortunately she's in a place called hell's canyon and it makes no sense she's like hi i'm heather oh my god careful when you get out guys it's pretty steep there's lots of rocks here huh you know what it's crazy isn't it okay let's look i love the challenge of my job being a remote specialist because there's just so few homes you know there's no market in House Canyon or hair salon or nail place. You pretty much do it by yourself while your husband fishes again.

22:41This is fun, isn't it?

22:43Ben Mandelker: I signed up for the job because I was really good at programming our universal remote. And everyone says, you're so good at that. You should get a job at it. Little did I realize being a remote specialist is actually a totally different thing. But here I am anyway. Okay, I'm happy. You don't normally see for sale signs around this neighborhood. You just wait until there's a smell and coyotes are trying to break into a home and you know someone's dead enough to sell it out from under them. We don't have for sale signs, but we do have for smell signs.

23:16For example, this house comes with a couch and the old lady that died on it. Her skeleton is still there.

23:24Ben Mandelker: The first home Heather's taking them to see is a jet boat ride downriver through Class 3 Rapids. so that's fun for them. I could use a Class 3 rapid to ferry me away from these awful people but oh well. Living remotely in Hell's Kitchen may be Paul and Audra's dream but there are a lot of realities that need to sink in. Like for instance the fact that no one should be living up this river because it's dangerous. I know. Even Linda sounds disgusted. She's like wow Class 3 rapids. Dummies. And then we see Class 1 rapids are easy to navigate and Class 6 Rapids are largely impassable. So welcome to threes.

24:04Welcome to threes. So Heather, how close is the closest hospital? Oh, you know what? It's about an hour. It's about an hour away. Isn't that great?

24:14Ben Mandelker: What about grocery stores? You know what? 45 minutes away. So when you go, just really stock up on that Stover's mac and cheese because you don't know when the next time is you get to see it, okay? And then Audra, who's unable to stay in her fucking lane, goes, wow this is really remote yeah audra that's what you're searching for you fucking dumb nuts you're not in los angeles also by the way congrats on never having ice cream for the rest of your life with a freaking 45 minute to two hour commute to the supermarket good luck with that because you know paul doesn't believe in like cooler bags no oh this is something those environmentalist lefties always like to say well fuck that i say put in a paper bag because that's how we ate ice cream as a kid.

24:58Is this a cooler or a bag? Just be what you were born as. Like, whoa, can I just calm down a little bit? So, Heather's like, yeah, the only way is from boat or helicopter. That's how you get pretty much everywhere. So, good luck. You need a boat or a plane or a flying monkey. That would be fun. Dragon, possibly.

25:20Ben Mandelker: Carpet. You ever see Aladdin? He would have been a great candidate to live on the river. unfortunately you can't fly on prayers i've been trying it for years don't get impregnated by the first guy who comes along i'll tell you that so paul says you know i'm learning a lot about the river everything is different yeah no shit because it's not someplace to live and shouldn't you have looked into this before you decided to go on down this crazy path of yours he's like well we don't have a grocery store down the corner and we don't have an electric store electronic electronic store two blocks down the road.

25:53Ben Mandelker: Why do you need an electronic? What in the name of Radio Shack do you need right now? You want to move up a river and yet you're still concerned about where the latest electronics store is? It's like, yeah, I see. You got to be real prepared to live up here. So we go to house number one and Heather's like, you know, Paul, this is a rare find. This is a rare find. Three bedrooms? What? Three bedrooms and three baths. 2 ,000 square feet. 850 ,000. saying, you know what? It does surpass your budget, but finding home in Hell's Kitchen, it's rare. Hell's Canyon, difficult. Okay, they're passed down from dead person to dead person.

26:29So I thought it would be fun. It's moving ready, you know?

26:33Ben Mandelker: Hey, why are there so many of these catalogs with rainbow flags on it? Well, this is a common mistake. A lot of people who live in Hell's Kitchen do accidentally have their mail forwarded to Hell's Canyon. So it is an issue that we're constantly facing. Don't worry, there aren't 19 24-hour fitnesses on one block. Okay.

26:53Ben Mandelker: Anyway, this is a pretty rare find. It's three bedroom, three bathroom. And if you're lucky, there may be a cadaver inside from a rattlesnake bite. Let's see. Do we smell anything? No. Oh, that's too bad. They say if you find a dead body, it's good luck up here. Now, this is a beautiful place, by the way. This is the winner. I mean, it is a beautiful cabin. It looks new. I mean, it looks like an expensive cabin that you'd find in like Aspen or something. It's beautiful. Like some of the, I would say some of the upholstery on the, on the sofas were, I think I would like to get that fixed, but like by and large, this was moving ready for a cabin.

27:30Yeah.

27:30Ben Mandelker: Yeah. It was moving ready. Nice layout. It looked really nice. I mean, head above your front door. This is the place to do it. Yeah. If you were hoping to move to hell's Canyon and go hunting for some deer too bad, there are no more deer because all the deer heads are in this cabin. There's like a deer head across any piece of wall that was available. there's either antlers or a deer head i feel like we got them all um but uh this i mean look the views at this house and all the houses are like astounding i mean even on tv you're like wow that is that is amazing it looks beautiful these views never gonna live there won't even come visit but like you know the view is the view the view is pretty pretty stellar i mean there are views of things that you don't want to see but they're there you know yeah like a raging river i don't i couldn't see you ever being like you know what i want to view of a raging river rocks desert i would love i think the view is amazing i would love to watch i love watching water i love a river yeah i love i i like things flowing by that's why i like fish i even like watching a highway because it's like a, it is almost like a water current, you know, but, um, they say that this place has been, um, uh, uh, it's the wood, the logs for this, this cabin were flown in from Payette National Forest.

28:55Ben Mandelker: We just flew in right there from Idaho, which is where we're in. And we're just flown in on helicopters. So we're like, we want to make sure this house was built on as much environmental catastrophe as possible. We're going to take the wood from a national forest by helicopter. And then we also decided just to land the helicopter in the water and just release the gas right on top of the fish. And we see on the bottom of the screen, hiring a helicopter with a pilot can cost$20 ,000 an hour. Jeez, you could have spent more than 10 on some of this furniture. Come on, guys. Yeah. Antler's chandelier.

29:33Here we come. Okay. Audra's like, wow, look at the chandelier. God bless the person who killed that thing. It was huge.

29:41Ben Mandelker: I love the furniture. Is this furnished? She goes, well, yes, this comes fully furnished. I know you said this a little bit at the top of your budget. He's like, yeah, that's for sure. But you know what, though? Like bringing furniture on a boat, that's a tough one. So you don't have to worry about that here. You got a nice big log sofa. So that's nice to sit on in a dining space in the kitchen. So it's nice, right? And it's only 45 minutes from town. Yeah. And she's like, oh, bringing furniture on a boat. Rough. Right. So you got it. It's open concept. I mean, look at all the cabinet space. Look at all the cabinet space with the things you're not going to be filling with the things you shop for in town.

30:20I know.

30:21Ben Mandelker: I was thinking. So then they like beautiful. This would be amazing to do dishes out and cook dinner. Yeah. You know what I want to do? I just want to have dishes there and then just look at them being empty because I forgot to go to the store. um will come visit me in this godforsaken place yeah so then they go to the guest quarters which again no guests are coming up here no and um uh then they're looking and paul's like by the way i heard you need to keep your eye on the boat at all times yeah you know what yeah you have to because you know with the the river levels uh it does happen a lot that your boat just just floats away.

31:02Ben Mandelker: And he's like, well, what do you do then? Well, then you're just stranded and you just have to wait for someone to come by and you just have to wave them down. So they have to come by and they have to see you. So anyway. Just the way that she says all this with a huge smile on her face, like, yep, then you were stranded. So yeah, you just kind of stand there and wait for somebody to pass in the deepest gorge in the world. People don't often pass, but you know, you just sit there and wait. Do you play Uno? You can play Uno. Wait, wait for that. the rattlesnakes around here actually all know how to play uno, which is fun.

31:33Ben Mandelker: Cause it's just a lot of bored people. God, this one part of love Island. We forgot to recap today when that guy was like, yeah, I'm like really good at, you know, I slap it. You know, I'm an uno champion. And she goes, I play chess. And he's like, wow, you're an intellectual. Okay. Well, I'm good at, you know, so who said that they were good. Who was that? Who said they were really good? Jeremiah, Jeremiah. She's like, yeah, you're so smart. um so this place has propane and it has an electric fridge which is a huge deal i don't know what else the fridge would be but it's electric and they do have solar and so he asked a good question when he's like so propane huh oh no no oh no it has a generator and he goes okay so a generator has to be filled with gasoline so is there a gas station and she's like oh it's about five hours away so that yeah i think that was you walk to the edge and you climb down some rocks then you get on a boat then you go on the boat hope an l helicopter passes then that lifts you up to a slide which you slide back to the other side of the mountain good luck getting back over though hope donkeys aren't extinct yet actually i think it was the second house that needed propane this one was solar but this this one doesn't have air conditioning and he's like no air conditioning well how hot does it get oh you know i you know it can be 110 degrees you know so it's pretty pretty chilly a little bit he's like okay so there's no air conditioning and no internet but in my mind ronnie i'm like if you're spending eight hundred thousand dollars on a house you can spend the extra twelve hundred is to install like some window units or whatever they have in the in the next house those wall yeah those tall things or and you can also spend the$500 to get the satellite installed and then to me those are like such small fixes.

33:25Ben Mandelker: You know, you're not doing central air, but you're just you're going to add like probably $2 ,000 max to your total cost. I don't think that if you're already spending $800 ,000, I don't think that's a big deal. Well, living in 110 degrees with no air conditioner is insane. They didn't come up with this idea you did. So they're like, oh yeah, maybe$850 to live with no air conditioning. Sounds great. Sounds great. Let's consider this heavily crazy. So now how do you feel about the property? He's like, oh, wow, turnkey, except for the, you know, air conditioning. Not a big deal at all. So now Heather takes Audra and Paul to see a property with technology that's ideal for remote living.

34:07Ben Mandelker: But getting there pushes Audra's nerves to the limit because she suddenly realized she has to take a river to get to her house. yeah Audra seems to be figuring this stuff out very slowly so Heather's like oh my god you guys are gonna love this one there's a bit of a hike in okay but it's worth it once you get to the deck if we can park up next to it Scott hope you can do this and this is where Scott's like okay this is challenging here's how we do it we go around here and then we go 80 miles an hour and swerve in a whole circle are we all holding on do we have seatbelts and we back up right into this thing right against the rocks and I did it perfectly nailed it yes so basically to get to house number two you have to go through class five rapids which is the last class that's actually passable before you get to class six fucking crazy this is crazy okay and the way that he parked that boat was hilarious thinking of paul trying to do this paul's not gonna do that paul's not gonna do this at all then by the way they don't even have a boat what that's what we find out over the course the episode they're doing all this they haven't even purchased the boat yet so they don't know that not only do they not know how to drive the boat they don't even have one in the first place so then once they get there it's all rocks so they have to like crawl the rocks to hike up to the place and then it's like kind of up a little hill to get to the place this place it looks like absolute hell and the house is decent the house is the house is okay but this this house is definitely giving more doomsday prepper vibes the other one felt like an airbnb this one is kind of like all right it's a house we have the bare bones furniture in here uh although it can get more bare bones as we will see on house number three but this is just kind of like this is a air dead in breakfast this is like sad this is scary i mean i don't know maybe people are into corrugated metal siding like i don't know yeah this is not great so it's it was like half a cute house it's like almost a cute house but it's not quite there so now they're even farther away from town farther away from medical and uh they've got another nice view but i mean at this point the views are all going to be the same they're all gonna be great views and so they walk in and she's like look at this open concept floor plan it's like a tiny it's like not that big and she's like wow look how open it is and so there's this kitchen there's like a kitchen island that's all butcher block but you can sort of sit at it and everything and there's a lot of windows so they like that yeah um this one's 650 it's a three bedroom one bath and um let's see there's a filtration system multiple generators 650 okay so paul's like well i like the price and heather's like and look at this it's a view of a river in a gorge again you guys you guys could you imagine if you're the one person who like got a house in hell's canyon and did not have a view well we had to sacrifice the view like how do you you're all gonna have a view how do you not have the view is this the one with the wraparound deck or that was the first one, right?

37:18Ben Mandelker: First one had like a wraparound deck. This one was just like a standard kind of, looked like a little lodge. It has a deck, but it's not like wraparound. So it's just a very generic space, this one. It's not terrible, but it's just average. But the thing is, so they do have an air conditioner, but because this one doesn't have solar, this is the one that requires like many generators, which all will require lots of fuel in order to run the air conditioning. yeah so he's like oh god we gotta go get the fuel and then we gotta bring the fuel back to run the thing and audra's like but i like the openness it reminds me of our marriage i mean come on and i like the square footage because you know i'm not gonna clean what the fuck else are you gonna do audra there's nothing else to do there your house is gonna be completely clean from top to bottom there's literally nothing there's nothing to do so then they look at the bedrooms which are just like these square boxes of nothing and she's like oh look at that it's a two-tone wall this room is sad and um then they there's a walk-in shower and there's also an underground septic system so you know hey yeah i mean septic's pretty normal yeah septic's pretty normal for a place like that.

38:36But, um, getting someone out there to service it. I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know where people come from. Like, where do you get the workers? That's, that's my question. Like where do you get the help?

38:46Ben Mandelker: So there's like a ton of generators. So she's like, well, um, there is a, that'd be nice for guests, but you know, oh, cause this, didn't this have one bathroom? Oh, it has an identical bedroom. Yeah. Okay. So, um, she's like, and then here's the bathroom, walk in shower. So they look at that. And then Paul's like, wow, we got a whole house filter with a UV water sanitizer. I mean, that's the bee's knees right there. Wow. Yeah. Sounds great. Almost makes up for the fact that you have to risk life and limb to get across class five rapids to get to your house. But you know, hey, you got a filter.

39:23It's going to hurt his back in the first five minutes. I'm telling you that right now.

39:28Ben Mandelker: and so they're like well i mean this is nice but like you know you know she's like it's the perfect size you know and has amazing views um but like and there's enough space in here but like i just i don't know how to drive a boat and if there's ever an emergency being able to drive a boat through rapids or rocks that concerns me it could be pretty dangerous i mean that could be life or death audra i hate to tell you it's death or death you guys are a river that you have to drive a boat audra like i just don't understand what audra's thinking does she want to live on the other side of the river where you don't have to drive a boat it's never explained how she thinks she's going to get away with never learning to drive a boat and how she's using that as some bargaining thing like well you know no i don't know how to ride a boat girl stop moving to rivers yeah i know she said well you know but the guys there is satellite internet she's like oh good So that's really good in an emergency.

40:22Good. I can watch some Netflix while Paul dies next to me. Exactly.

40:28Ben Mandelker: I can order something on eBay and watch Paul die. And then in three months, when it finally makes its way up to the river, shattered from all the rapids, I can be like, oh, yeah, that's the thing I got when Paul died. Now, this one's even more remote, but it might be too far flung for Audra. Dun, dun, dun. Now this one's crazy. This one, I'm like, why is this one even on the show? I don't know, but this shit was funny because Heather's trying to be so positive still. She's like, oh, wow, this has been a long ride in. Don't you guys love long rides? I love long rides. Slug bug. This is great. I see a rock.

41:09Gotcha. So this is one hour from a boat launch and an additional hour of drive time. So is two hours from the town, you know, five when it's raining. You don't make it in the gorgeous clothes due to falling rocks.

41:25Ben Mandelker: Seven when there's a coyote attack. You don't make it. You don't make it a shorter distance by saying, oh, it's one hour from the boat launch, an additional hour of drive time. It's still two hours. OK, so then then Paul goes, wow, that's a minute. Oh, it's two hours, not a minute. It's 120 of them. So Audra again is like, you know, I don't know how to drive a boat yet. So for medical, you know, for medical. And if there's emergency, how are they going to come get it? You know, well, it's the farthest out. But you do have close neighbors who are not doctors. So they can watch you while you writhe in pain because you tripped on a rock and now your leg is touching your ear.

42:07Ben Mandelker: But it's nice. Yeah. Neighbors are great out here. One of the positive things is you're surrounded by people who are also two hours from town and don't have anything to do either. So when somebody has a life-threatening condition, everybody loves to just gather around and watch. So that'll be fun. And then we see once a week, the U.S. Postal Service delivers mail to residents via jet boat. Yeah, so if you were thinking about using Instacart, it's not going to really work out so well. But we do have something called delay a cart. and you just put in your order for food and it comes rotten and decayed a week later.

42:42The McDonald's hamburgers are green by the time they get here, but shockingly still decent.

42:49Ben Mandelker: Yeah, it travels pretty well. Maybe not the fries.

42:55Okay, so he's like, wow, price is such a big deal, you know, because this place comes with a boat. I mean, that's a huge concern. Boats aren't cheap. It's$150 ,000 for a good boat. So this place comes with a boat. Paul, it's not a good boat. Why don't you even ask what the boat is? How does the boat ride? Can we test drive the boat? Does it have a motor? No one's going to be like, hey, just give them the boat too for a good boat.

43:18Ben Mandelker: It's just a canoe. So, and Scott's there because he has to drive everyone around the sky. And he's like, yeah, well, this one has a lot better access. But the only problem is you can only have one boat here at a time. So does that mean that like all the neighbors share that like one parking spot for the boat? and then when someone else needs to use it, you have to move your boat to some other location. Oh, yeah. Where do you park the boat? They didn't really get into it, but I was like, okay. So now they go up to this place. Now this place is just a wretch. Okay, it's like two buildings. It's kind of like Candy and Todd's houses in Atlanta.

43:52Ben Mandelker: There's two identical buildings that are kind of connected by a deck. And Heather's like, you know, it's very nice because when you have two families, friends, That way they can have their personal space. You can have your personal space. I'm like, there is not a single person who's staying overnight at this place. That is going to be an empty facility. Yeah. And aren't they sharing the same poop or two? Yes. Yes, they are. So this one, they have to walk really far up a hill too to get to. And there's a common deck area between the two places that they can, which doesn't look great to me, you know, because you never really get privacy.

44:27And Heather's like, and guess what? this one doesn't have solar so it's at the lower end of the budget so that's something you can consider having installed wouldn't that be fun let me tell you what solar people love coming two hours outside of town to install they love it that's we're gonna love them so then they walk

44:44Ben Mandelker: into this house and it is so beyond shitty there's like a there's like one of those um patio tables that sort of has that glass that's sort of like weird i don't know how you describe that that glass in it but you know where you pop out the glass when you need to move it it has kind of like that pebble and then there's like a folding chair it gets quote unquote furnished with patio furniture on the inside there's just a fridge just just standing in the middle of the room it's awful yeah this one is um terrible it's like a saw house it's like a torture escape room it's not good and um there's a wood stove in there and he's like is this the only heat source and she's oh you know what this is the only heat source so you've got wood heat on this side as well as the guest quarters isn't that great you know this one doesn't have air conditioning either but it is new construction they keep saying it's new construction as if that's going to make up for any of the things that this place doesn't have which is everything like this one has no upside this house like normally there's a shitty house but it has some sort of upside like it's the one with the view or it's closer to town this one is actually the farthest from town and it has the fewest things attached to it.

45:56Ben Mandelker: I think the only upside is that it comes with a boat, I guess. Oh, no, there's another one. Hold on. Wait a minute. Here's the bathroom. It's a compost toilet. Isn't that fun? Great. Just mix your poo-poo in there with whatever you ate that day. I don't know. Eventually it becomes something. Personally, I flush, but, you know, welcome to Hell's Canyon. You're going to love it here. I can't wait for you guys to start living with your poo-poo. Okay, well, where's the shower? Oh, you know what? This one doesn't have a shower. So what you do is you just stand outside and you just wait for the coyotes to line up and they just spit on you.

46:31You just wait for Scott to come by practicing his donuts in the water. He'll eventually splash you.

46:36Ben Mandelker: Just try to catch those waves from him. So the kitchen sucks too. And there's no stove. What is this place? So Heather's like, you know, there's not a stove here, but there's plenty of room on the deck for your barbecue. God, thank God the world never rains. Now you can have a barbecue and risk burning down the house that barely has anything in it in the first place. But we do have a refrigerator in the middle of the room if you like that. Some of us pretend that it's like a little monument. You can pray down to it and reenact scenes from like, you know, 2001 Space Odyssey. I don't know. It's fun.

47:09He goes, well, we're going to have to get rid of some of this stuff. I mean, some of the furniture in that bunk bed. I mean, it's like we'll have to get rid of some. She goes, oh, you know what? But there are some guys that we know that have cargo boats. So we can set that up for you. They can only park there for 15 minutes. And they're about$19 ,000. But they're there. So can't wait to meet them.

47:33Ben Mandelker: He's like, you know, I'm probably struggling the most. You know, in this process of trying to live remotely, there's nothing's going to be acquired easily. I mean, everything involved with this is going to equal a lot of work. I'm like, so you could also just stay in the tiny town you came from. Okay, sir, which would be no work whatsoever. Yeah, just buy an acre somewhere. You know what I mean? Don't go so crazy. But it does have a boat, Audra says. I seen it. So she's like, yes, it does come with a boat. Good, Audra. Good job. She goes, yes, there's some bonuses to this place. And no one can name them.

48:07Ben Mandelker: But there we go. Yeah, this was such a terrible option at the end. This was clearly, I guess Heather was right. When she said that, like, it's really hard to find properties on the river, like she must be telling the truth, because if this was the best that they could come up with for their third option, I mean, I've seen very few places on House Hunters that have had so few upsides. Yeah. Yeah, this was pretty bad. So now they have to decide on what they're going to do.

48:40Ben Mandelker: I thought they were going to take house one because house one just it's you get all the perks of being on the river. It's closest to civilization. It's already set up. It's big. It's beautiful. I thought it'd be good. But then I was like, you know what? Knowing these people, these are not smart people. So they're probably going to choose something that's a little bit more upriver, which makes no sense. Like you're going to get something worse. Get something worse. That's hard to get to. Well, house number one was way over budget, but he said that they had the money. So they still had that money.

49:07They should have gone with house number one because even living in luxury like this is still going to be hellish. It's going to be very difficult. Number one had a wraparound deck. I mean, it was gorgeous. But yeah, to be living in, it's not going to be good to be living how they're living. They did not choose the one that's 10 hours away or whatever. So that's good. They chose the middle one. But yikes. I don't know.

49:28Ben Mandelker: I worry for these two. I know. So they chose house number two. and so we see them getting there. They had to get an ATV so that way they could move stuff from the water all the way up to their house and he's like, this is a dream come true. She goes, oh yeah. You know, I look forward to living here every day. But it's different. I walked off the back porch and a rattlesnake jumped up and I ran and I screamed out. I locked myself inside until Paul came up from the boat, which was about five days later. It's a bit of a challenge. I was like, wow, really selling your choice. Then Paul got bit on the ankle and I actually had to suck the poison out.

50:03So, you know, it's bringing our love life back. So that was fun. I mean, rattlesnakes, I have rattlesnakes all over the place in Texas and they're scary as hell. But after a while you just get used to them. Like, ah, just walk around, you know, they don't like jump at you. They rattle at you and stuff. Which is helpful. One time I ordered a DoorDash and it never came. And so I texted the guy. I was like, where are you? He said, I'm here. I'm here. I can't come in. And I opened the door and he threw the food up the stairs and he's like, and then ran off with his arms waving like literally waving screaming down the road and then i was like what the fuck was that guy why was he saying serpent and carly said snake i was look down and sure enough there's a huge rattlesnake curled up on the bottom step just

50:47Ben Mandelker: chilling wow yeah i remember one time walking up my driveway and when i was a kid and i almost stepped on this there's a snake just coiled up and i just almost stepped on it it wasn't poisonous But those snakes, they sometimes are just coiled up right there. It's unpleasant. When you're in like a civilization, like we had the snake rescue guy come over. We have this like local snake rescue guy. And he shows up in like jorts and like weird facial hair. And he's like, well, I got the snake you were looking for. But, you know, I just rehomed him. I said, how do you do that so fast? He's like, I put him in a lot next door.

51:20You know, it's empty. I was like, how is that rehoming it? Why would you put it in the lot next door? He's like, you want me to get it back? I said, yeah. I said, how much is that going to cost? And he's like, well, you know, y 'all pay me what you want to pay. I'm just here to save these snakes. You know, they go through a lot. So I'm here to help the snakes. But, you know, normally people pay around between$500 and$1 ,000. I was like, okay. So when you wake up, how much do people pay you? Fucking crazy? To move a snake next door? Have you lost your goddamn mind, sir?

51:51Ben Mandelker: Was it Rob from Love Island? It was Rob, wasn't it? He's like, sometimes that snake. He just is a little friend. He needs to go somewhere. Anyway, these two dum-dums, they've got their house. Best of luck. Good luck with your medical emergencies and your groceries and your gasoline. They're having so much fun bringing all that gasoline back and going with their four-wheeler. I mean, listen, it takes all types. They seem like they're happy. I can't imagine ever meeting anybody that I would want to move to Hell's Gorge in with, but they did. It's so good for them. You know, there's a pot for every lid.

52:29I do have to say every pot.

52:31Ben Mandelker: Everett Paul ends it by saying with all the distractions of modern life, just made it more easy to become engaged with one another. Like the distractions of modern life. Again, he really is acting like he's living in midtown Manhattan. Yeah. But now your distractions are literally of modern life. You have to get on an ATV that's a machine that runs with gas. And then you have to take a boat that runs with gas to a car, to a store, to buy all of this gasoline, which is a pretty modern amenity, to haul all the way back and start all over. He has to deal with all the hassles of modern life without any of the upsides.

53:09All of this because of one guy with eyeliner in a Starbucks.

53:12Ben Mandelker: For fuck's sake. Hope you're happy. That was a hilarious episode. thank you so much for recommending it and yeah and if you have a good suggestion for a house hunters episode write us dwell hello suggestion in your subject to watch what crap happens at gmail.com yes everybody thanks so much we love you we'll talk to you next time bye