Dwell Hello #515: Cougar Needs a Den For Her Cub

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1:49Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

1:59Well, hello and welcome to Dwell Hello. I'm Ronnie and that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, how are you? Good. What's going on with you, baby?

2:14Ben Mandelker: Not much. Just ready for a new, fresh, and exciting Dwell Hello episode. Oh, me too. This is a good one this week, everybody. This is a good one. We did not even have to be recommended an episode this week because everybody was talking about this. This is actually a new episode of House Hunters, which is very rare for us. We don't usually take on the noobs. But this is new. We caught this on YouTube TV. this is season 269 episode one cougar needs a den for her cub ooooh cougars wow yes so we see this couple and they're driving to a neighborhood and we meet Sarah this is the before the opening credits she's like oh my god this neighborhood is really not my style I mean it'll be like living in Liva to Beva and then we see like all these channeling fences and I was like, I don't know if this is quite Leave it to Beaver, but I think this is more like Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.

3:18Okay. We're talking about Leave it to Beaver. Also, I like that it's some older lady dating a much younger man and she's making Leave it to Beaver references. I know.

3:30Ben Mandelker: He has no idea what that is. I think he's looking for Beaver. So then Linda comes on And conventional is exactly what this couple is not There are three decades between Sarah And her boyfriend Jack Although not sure if he's a boyfriend Or just like a pile of skin and hair With enough brain cells to push out a few words per sentence And let me tell you For someone old enough to be his mother She does not comb his hair for him Because wow Wow Oh and so we see them like inspecting the places and everything And Linda's like, they have big dreams of him becoming an MMA fighter and the money that comes along with it.

4:13Ben Mandelker: So get ready to spend those tens and tens of dollars, Sarah. Of course he's dating Sarah and he wants to be a mama fighter. Like, what else are you going to be?

4:26Oh, my God. That's so funny. I mean, come on, bro. An MMA fighter? Listen, I don't know much about anything, really. But we were looking up and wasn't that girl from the not the valley next gen NYC dating an MMA fighter? Or was that a different kind of fighter? Was his name like his name was like Stone or something? Cookie.

4:47Ben Mandelker: Oh, he's a wrestler. Oh, that hook. No, Avis are dating someone named Hook. No, he's a he's a wrestler. So even that like you don't I don't think like if you become an MMA fighter, I don't think it just like automatically translates to fame and fortune. Like you might get a paycheck. Also, I'm not totally sure that this young man is in fighting shape. I'm not here to shame anyone. But if you want to get into that octagon, you might need to get rid of an octagon. Yeah, I just looked up MMA fighting because I don't know MMA fighting. Like I don't get it. So I'm like, I'm like, MMA Mia? Like is Meryl fighting with Christine Baranski?

5:26Like what's happening? So I looked it up. And yeah, these are very muscular, strong people. I mean this guy on this show looks like the only thing he's fighting over is like a Playstation controller. This guy is not fighting. He's fighting over a remote or a chicken wing.

5:41Ben Mandelker: Or a Funyun. Okay this guy is gonna need to do he's gonna need to get into not just fighting shape. Just like shape. Just shape. Any shape. Pick a shape. Yeah. Which would be fine if he wants to work literally in any other field but like the fact that this guy who says he wants to be an MMA fighter. The only ring you're getting into is an N. MMA. MMA.

6:15Ben Mandelker: MMA. MMA. Maybe not. MMA stands for that. They have big dreams of him becoming an MMA fighter and the money that comes along with it. And Sarah's like, yeah, I can't wait until Jack starts fighting professionally and makes millions of dollars. Oh, no. God, imagine working in a U-Haul. She works in like a U-Haul storage place. And just seeing your like mail delivery person come in and he's like, yeah, I'm a fighter. And her being like, this is my fucking ticket out of the U-Haul storage unit. This 20-year-old. I'm going to make him famous. I'm going to be like his Rockies coach. What was his Rockies coach name?

7:01Ben Mandelker: Coach? Robert? I don't know. I never saw Rocky. You've never seen Rocky?

7:11Mickey. That was his name. He's like, I'm going to be his Mickey. I'm going to be his Mickey Goldmill.

7:18Ben Mandelker: Mickey Rocky. Wait, no, I saw Creed, if it's any consolation. That was a Rocky sequel? Like later? It was with Michael Michael Strahan Michael Moore Michael Strahan yes Michael Moore is so good in Creed Michael Moore the way he was asking those questions during the fight like excuse me how do you feel about a plant in Detroit clothes like oh don't stop punching me I'm asking you an interview did you just call global warming bullshit it was a very compelling sequel what I like about this episode of House Hunters is like there is like some sort of crime movie going on or a film noir where this older woman has seduced a young dumb fighter who's going to trick him into beating up her ex she's going to collect the money and then drop this guy but in the middle of this film noir they stop everything to do an episode of House Hunters they're like hold on let's put the scheme on pause we can be on HGTV yeah lara flynn boils

8:30they're looking at houses and she uh linda tells us so they want to buy a place in sacramento where all all mma fighters come from the glamorous sacramento and they need dedicated gym space so they're looking at a place and she's like yeah look it's a garage you could put your weights there thanks sarah well you're really you're really making it up today. She's like, that's it. I'm making him. I found a place we can put a weight in a garage.

8:59Ben Mandelker: She's a regular Donna King. So, um, uh, but with a future fortune on the line, disagreements on price and style have tempers flaring. And then we see Jack say, I really do like this house and it's worth the money. Yeah, well, we're talking about less money to have fun. So what? Doesn't mean I'm wrong. Doesn't mean you're right either. oh god this couple so this couple is not only like a part in many many years they're both just terrible yeah uh she's delusional she's she's she's completely cray cray and i get listen love comes in all ages okay you know what date whoever you want to date that's fine you pay your taxes date you want but her struggle to to be like oh my god we need to be by clubs that's what we really need because i'm gonna go clubbing because like there's this like a new club in downtown sacramento we have to be close to it it has like copic abama dancers it's like and she's wearing these certain types of dresses i don't know they're not sundresses i don't are those maxi dress i don't know what you call them but i feel like anytime i ever saw like a softcore porno on like cinemax like late at night this is what the women would always wear yeah between the sex scenes that's That's such a good way to put it.

10:18And they are sundresses. They're like Old Navy sundresses. And she looks like she's cosplaying like this type of person.

10:27Ben Mandelker: But they're above the knee, though, right? They're not like sundresses that go down to the feet. Aren't sundresses above the knee? I don't know. Let's look it up. Look up a sundress. I don't think they're like long. I mean, you wear them in the sun. I think they are. They tend to be long. I don't know how to dress it. I'm going to look it up, too. No, I'm seeing short ones. I mean, I see one. The first one is from Briaza Ditsy Floral. It's called Briaza Ditsy Floral Surred Waist. I think it's like a baby doll dress. That's what it is. But the thing is, it's like, it's not to say that if you wear a baby doll dress, you look like you're in a softcore porno.

11:04Ben Mandelker: It's just like her style of baby doll dress, like the puffy sleeves and the floral patterns and sort of the way they flare. I don't know. Just everything with her style, it just sort of reminded, it honestly reminds me of a very specific dana plato softcore porn i once saw where in between the sex scenes she would wear this kind of dress and talk about waldorf salads it was like they tried to give her personality so she was constantly talking about like i'm gonna so um are you excited for dinner tonight i'm gonna bring my famous waldorf salad like that was like her storyline and I'm not even joking.

11:37Ben Mandelker: Dark. So she just wants to have fun. And now the episode is officially beginning and we're in Sacramento, California. And they're working out. Well, he's working out. And it's kind of a weird working out because he's doing that punching thing and she's putting up her hands to be his punching bag. I didn't like the imagery. I don't know. It bugged me because she didn't look strong enough. Well, he didn't look strong enough to really make a dent. So that was good. But she didn't, I don't know, he's a big guy. I didn't like her like standing there all like kind of defensive, putting her hands up.

12:11But I don't know, get someone else to practice with him. You know, you're already paying his rent. Get him somebody to hit.

12:17Ben Mandelker: Get a real trainer. So she gives the back storage because Jack and I met at my job. I work at a storage facility and Jack walked into the office complaining about ants in his unit. So obviously I did a very bad job as the person working in a storage facility. So I'm terrible at my job. I'm terrible at my job. by the i've been fired since so and we just kept on smiling at each other and talking i mean nothing really sets the mood like a complaint about ants incessant ants over all your belongings in the storage facility then i got ants in my pants if you know what i'm saying and then immediately after our first date jack moved in that day first of all was anybody else shocked to know that jack could afford a storage unit.

13:00What does Jack do? Jack does nothing.

13:03Ben Mandelker: I think it's in his name. I think it's in his name what he does. Jack does Jack. Nothing. So we see on the screen Sarah and Jack have been dating for eight months. So there is a 30 year difference between us and then we see that she's 52 and he's 22. But we don't feel it. We see it and we hear it and we sense it. But we don't feel it. It's weird. we smell it we smell it um smell it the most actually i would argue that that's what we we feel at them we smell it the most i don't care what judges us they can go focus on their own relationship it's like yeah worry about yourselves they're all defensive like they're doing something they're like we are standing up for old people and young people to be together It's like, wow, I'd go to your parade, but it sounds extremely wheelie, you know, like a lot of it sounds like it sounds like a lot of people helping each other to cars.

14:08Ben Mandelker: OK, so it sounds like so we see them cutting up fruit and she goes, I like your banana. And he's like, oh, he does like a beavis and butthead laugh. She goes, you know, I like the fact that Jackson alpha male. I think he's nice and bulky. I like things that are bulky. That's why I work in a storage facility. God, watching boxes come in and out. That's my favorite. But most importantly, last guy I tried to date was a Costco. I like how calm he keeps me. Like when he walks in the room and says, ants, there's ants everywhere. How do I get rid of all these ants? I just feel my soul settling down. Yeah, she's really attractive.

14:50And she seems like she's my age when I talk to her. Because she says things like, I like your banana.

14:59Ben Mandelker: Well, that's because I have a lot of riz. And I like that he enjoys my fits that I wear. Me and Jack, we're just vibes. So she's like, we currently live in Bovado, California. And he's like, yeah, we're moving there to Sacramento because I want to be a professional mixed martial artist. So there's plenty of places to train, you know, now I just have to get, you know, a different race parent to rehab me. You know, one huge thing that I love about Jack is I like his work ethic. Okay. The way he wakes up, plays video games, starts getting ready for the gym, more video games, has lunch, can't go to the gym because he has to digest.

15:46Ben Mandelker: so more video games afternoon snack digest video games dinner and then makes the pledge after dinner that tomorrow he'll go to the gym i love that that's intoxicating she's like he reminds me of myself when i was young ants ants everywhere couldn't get rid of them you know it was a real problem for me all my life if you really think about it he reminds me of me when i was a model and I had to get my dreams fulfilled. Your dreams fulfilled? I had to get my dreams fulfilled. It's like our to-do list. Got to get my dreams fulfilled. And then we see her dreams pop up on camera. It reminds me of me being a young...

16:22Ben Mandelker: Sorry. No, go ahead. It reminds me of being a young model myself and what I did to make those dreams fulfilled. And that's why it was led to the fashion capital of the world, Movado, California. Movado. That's when I was a model and I had to get my dreams fulfilled. And I did it by moving to Movado. We see pictures of her modeling career flash up on the screen. I don't think those models, they didn't get fulfilled. Every one of them was like, it's a Lonnie Anderson tribute, which by the way, RIP Lonnie, I love you. But every single picture is like, look, it's Lonnie Anderson playing a secretary.

17:00Well, I shouldn't even give her the Lonnie Anderson. Lonnie Anderson. I just mean styling, you know, it's like 80s. It's very much like, well, Reagan is president. It was like lumberjack.

17:12Ben Mandelker: There's one that she's like plaid and her boobs are up and she's like in jorts. It was like, it kind of like reminded me of like, like an ad for some random type of stool you would buy that you might put in your casino. It's like, I don't know. A stool ad for a casino.

17:35It was niche. Yeah. Yeah. out so um she's like yeah you know um it's just impressive to me you know i want to help him get on his way i mean look at him so motivated he's like i just want a place with a couch

17:49Ben Mandelker: when i get big i'm gonna give sarah everything she's ever wanted a new car a newer house maybe two maybe three maybe four maybe five maybe six maybe seven thanks babe thanks babe you can stop now although you almost got to 10 that time you almost got to 10 so now they talk about their wants and jack is like sacramento's really nice but i don't want to be somewhere right in the city i want to be outside of the city you know you know why he wants to be outside of the city because he marry he's with like an extremely party girl he's like i don't want to be out with she's going to be out every night.

18:34Ben Mandelker: I feel like he's scared of fast cars or something. Like, cars fast in city. Too scary. Must stay. Suburbs. So she goes, well, I want to be close to downtown, because I like to go out nightclubbing. And as we all know, Sacramento is the place where all the hottest clubs in the country come. So I like to get dressed up hot, and I like Jack to show me off. And I show off Jack. The way these two talk, because before when he said, When I get big, I'm going to buy her everything. And she's like, I like to dress up hot. I'm like, what second grader is writing your dialogue?

19:14I'd like to show my baby off. Yeah, I'm checking you out on Sacramento Town to show you off, Jack. So wishlist her close to downtown. And she's like, yeah, I'm really hoping that he shows us a condo with maintenance included. do those exist i don't think they have condos where you don't have to pay an hoa fee right

19:39Ben Mandelker: um i think she's saying that she she just only wants to deal with an hoa because yeah because her wish list says her condo with hoa and jack's like i don't like i don't even know what that means i just don't want ants i want to see a house houses never have ants an ideal house is what i want is two-story traditional a couple rooms and a garage that i can turn into my own gym it's like oh really where who am i supposed to show you off to in a house an ideal house costs ideal money okay and we don't have that because you're not big yet i mean you're big but you're not big like that okay yeah and uh she's like can we be flexible about this please like we're just gonna jump into being old people with a mortgage oh we have a mortgage and this is so great what are we gonna do we're gonna be like that what are we just gonna go get newspapers on the on the front stoop like oh i've got a newspaper now i'm so old how you're old just just accept it there's no i'm not a 22 year old guy and going to a club doesn't make you look younger it makes you look older do you understand like you look old girl like you don't look physically old but the way that you're living trying to grasp youth makes you look old so she says that she has 250 000 in savings um and that's that's what we call stool money and she says she she wants to just pay cash uh because she doesn't want to have to worry about splitting the HOA fees and utilities.

21:16Ben Mandelker: So they could just, this way we could just focus on Jack's career, which is funny to think that Jack's going to have a career. So her budget is 250 ,000. And he goes, I'm willing to go up to 400 ,000 because we're already qualified for it. And I think we could take a payment. Like we could do that pretty easily. You don't have a job, Jack. What do you, you're 22. You just moved here from New Hampshire. Well, it says on the screen, it says Jack currently works as a delivery driver for Big Box. But at some point they mentioned that he doesn't work because she's like or she's saying she doesn't want him to work.

21:51She just wants him to train. So it's going to be her money that's going into this house. He's not going to be working. At least their plans aren't for him to be working. So, no, if she's going to be working, you don't get your fucking big tacky house in the city or in the suburbs, buddy.

22:05Ben Mandelker: They really are obsessed with boxes in this in this relationship. They met at a storage facility. He drives for a big box company. And he also wants to basically box for a career.

22:19So she's like, well, we definitely want separate getting ready areas. And so wish list two bathrooms. And she's like, yeah, I'm sick of sharing a bathroom with you, Jack. And he's like, I'm right there with you. Watch your mouth, young man. So they say it takes her so long. You know what? Sundresses don't steam themselves. I want to tell you that.

22:38Ben Mandelker: he's like and i need a big backyard for my b-bull and then it says wish list big backyard because oh of course how can i get away from the b-bull and he goes i want a b-bull it's a mix of a beagle and a bulldog and then we find out that he grew up with b-bulls in new hampshire i'd never even heard of a b-bull before i'd never heard of a b-bull i'm gonna look it up right now a b-bull did they show us a picture on that episode they must have shown us a picture right what did it look like evil it's a beagle with the head of a of a oh they're so cute oh my gosh little pitbull beagle floppy ears oh these are really cute dogs some of these are kind of beagles hate boxers i wonder if a beagle would hate me because pitbulls like me but um beagles hate me i'm gonna say this Some of these bibles that I'm seeing online look actually like they're more like boxers, which is on trend for this couple.

23:40Yeah. God, those are cute dogs. OK, I need to stop looking at dogs because like I'm obsessed now. Now I want to be able.

23:47Ben Mandelker: I want to be like I feel like your next dog will be a bible now. And I'm not even joking. Well, I'm also really obsessed with Frenchies, even though those are terrible dogs to buy because they're so inbred and they have all these health problems. And as they go through a life of pain, they're in pain. always in and out of the doctors and all that god they're so cute they're just so snorty okay anyway the point is he's obsessed with bibles and she hates him have you noticed like she does not even look like she likes this guy she's like oh god bibles here we go with this fucking bibles like well geez like she goes what she goes from where her voice is like this she's like we'd love a really nice house by the city so i can look hot and the next minute she's like oh fucking bibles great yeah and she's like yeah jack's obsession with bibles drives me crazy bible bible bible bible bible and he goes bible he does like this weird voice and i'm like okay some like this person is not all there he's like bible bible bible bible all day all day long that's him like he's doing it again bible bible it's on my bible okay all right take a shower jack I take a bibble bath.

24:57Bibble. Bibble. She's like, well, hopefully we will find something that works for both of us. And he goes, yeah, well, I still want what I want. She goes, well, in a relationship, there's two people and I'm worth two myself. So in this relationship, there's three and I'm worth two. So I'm as old as two of you. So I win.

25:17Ben Mandelker: I think owning a home with Jack is going to prove to both of our families that we're serious about each other. that this isn't just like a temporary phase and that our relationship is real and strong. People. Okay, that's not going to help. That's not going to help, Jack. Nothing like trying to prove everybody wrong by signing a mortgage with a 22-year-old. Are you nuts? What is wrong with you? I don't even mind. Like, I am open to a 52-year-old woman and a 22-year-old boy. But not this boy. This guy is touched. This is not how do you have a conversation with this person? You could be the same age as him and still not like I don't I don't I don't think anyone should take this person.

26:01Ben Mandelker: He can't. He's like a lump. This is this is lost. This is wasted humanity here. These are these are just cells cells that are just barely functioning. What is going on here with this person? And she just seems semi-terrible. So I'm not really sure. I don't even think it's the age difference. I think they're just both like questionable people. They're just both lost. Like she is like trying to capture something. And he is probably like. I don't know. I think he's hoping to be captured. I don't know. I don't know what's going on with. I don't know. Weeble. So she's like, we're going to prove something by getting a mortgage.

26:38Take that one, mom. So then we see Arden Arcade neighborhood. And first up is a second floor condo located in Sacramento's Arden Arcade neighborhood. It's got a Miss Pac-Man and a centipede. Jack can find plenty of MMA gems. And Sarah can find her nightlife where she likes to show Jack off.

27:03Ben Mandelker: You hear what I said there? Show Jack off. Put it back in your pants, Jack. You said Jack off. Show Jack off. No, Jack. God, you're so embarrassing. People. The art and arcade neighborhood where people come to play video games about cosmetics. Think about it. Think about it.

27:26The centipede is really just looking for a good blush.

27:32Ben Mandelker: So they arrive at like a condo community, which is actually like it's a nice. I like these sort of condo communities with sort of like wooden and it's got a lot of trees and there's a pond. Why is everyone here so old? It's a retirement community, man. Oh, there you go. He goes, Jack goes, oh, look at the pool. And Sarah goes, look at the duckies, which makes me wonder, was he looking at a pond and thought it was a pool?

28:00Did it have both? I didn't even notice.

28:02Ben Mandelker: I don't remember seeing a pool because I wasn't paying attention, but there definitely was like a duck in like a murky kind of pond situation. And if he called that a pool, I don't even know. I think this one had a little pool, but it was like kind of in nature. So you could also see the ducks on the grass or something. Because he says some other things later in the episode where I'm like, this guy, I don't know. My favorite part is they pass a little fountain and she goes, oh, I like this little like bubbly thing. It makes such a peaceful sound. I wonder what, what are these little bubbly things called?

28:35He's like, I always call it bubble spouts.

28:39Ben Mandelker: Oh yeah. Bubble spout. Yeah. Beble spouts. Beble. So we meet Mango, the real estate agent. I love that we have a Mango real estate agent. That's like the perfect agent for this couple. It's like, Hey Mango, how are you? And it's like, how are you guys doing today? Okay. I've got an upstairs condo for us to take a look at. 249K HOA 622. Am I right, hoe? Am I right? I don't really like all these homeowner deals. Okay, well, I mean, someone's got to keep the maintenance up here. Okay, those ducks don't just arrive here for free. So Mengo's like, well, the best thing is you don't have to worry about cutting grass.

29:20Ben Mandelker: Oh, dancing? No, that's cutting a rug. Oh, sorry. I just reminded my childhood. He's like, does it have a gym? Yes, There is a gym here as well. Oh, a gym would be good. And that way we don't have to build one, you know, because that's what we're going to do with our disposable income. Anyway, it's kind of dark going up the staircase that's sunlit but just has a light shadow on it. I already don't like this place. Yeah, it's a little bit spooky. Oh, you're a big guy. You can handle it. Come on now. Come on. So Mango shows him the place. He's like recently updated. Everything's been done. new appliances new countertop on the kitchen can i tell you this place was not recently redone i don't know what these people are talking how how recent is recent because this doesn't look redone to me probably like 1972 i think it's like she's still comparing it to leave it to beaver that's like her only frame of reference i think so it's a it's as generic an apartment as you could ever find or a condo it's the standard galley kitchen you walk through there's dining room space living room space i mean it's it's like we i feel like we've all lived here at some point so um they're looking through it and um sarah likes like the countertops jack goes yeah i like the countertops a lot and she's like yeah and what's funny is that they show this like this god awful stovetop this like electric stovetop that i used to have i used to have one of those but it's like it's not even that it's electric it's just that it's like that old coil that like sticks up and it's like warped and bended and everything and they don't even say anything about it.

30:54Ben Mandelker: You think, okay, here we go. They're going to go on about the stovetop. She's like, yeah, everything looks great in here. I like it. She's like, that cigarette lighter looks really good there, so I do like that. Love stainless steel. Oh, look at all this stainless steel. It's like a basic refrigerator. She's like, wow, the luxury. She goes, but I don't know if there's enough room to cook in here. And Mango asked who does the cooking. She goes, I do everything. Can you imagine? You can't make people's for dinner it's by the way there's plenty of room to cook in there it's like just a standard galley kitchen and of course she's talking about how she loves the stainless steel you know um appliances and everything because she's got to make it seem like this is the lap of luxury because spoiler alert this is the one they wind up taking so uh mango is like it's like yeah perfect for one kitchen one person kitchen cooking so uh mango's like they're a unique couple i mean they're very unique, a very unique relationship.

31:53Ben Mandelker: I, I guess love sees no age or has no standards or doesn't care about having good conversation. Right. Unfortunately, I'm not love and I see it. It's gross. It's gross. But you know what? Commission sees no age difference. So I'm going to make about$5 off this sale. So I'm here for it. I know, right? Sarah's like, I do not want an open floor plan I really gross Jack's like well we kind of do out here you know this is what I think we could do this could be the dining room area and this could be the living room I'm like oh wow really the dining room could be a dining room and the living room could be a living room where did she find you god she's like I guess and he's like oh and there's a deck look it's a nice view and she's like well breakfast outside would be cute he's like breakfast outside would be great yeah but what about my bibles what if they fall off the balcony they could die she's like oh my god fucking bibles since your dogs are big enough they're not gonna fall off the balcony well yeah but they're also not gonna go poop and pee out there are they like i love that they're looking at this big expanse of like green property out there and their thoughts are like yeah this is where we can take our dogs out on the balcony i know and also i just want to point out these slats like the posts on this on this balcony were like four inches apart and he's like but the but the beables could fall fall off the balcony don't know if that's how some like are they no yeah they're not gonna do that they're not gonna he's not the brightest uh so she uh man goes like what does this community have there's a dog park here there's a dog park okay i'm not living in a place with a dog park and i love the dog park i used to go all the time to the dog i used to work at a dog park for fuck's sake um so i'm not anti dog park but i have you ever been to a place that has a dog park i looked at a place in texas that was right next to a dog park and let me tell you what it's like poop there is poop smell throughout your entire place no but let me tell you something when you have a guy these two i think beggars can't be choosers and i think that for them like take the dog park because he's like i don't know it's not very private here you have to share the dog park and the gym i'm like okay well i don't get a private dog park sorry you don't get a condo is this i want a private dog park sorry sir your budget is 250 000 you're gonna share the dog park yeah 250 that's crazy i was like wow i'm looking up things to do in sacramento um so he doesn't want to make compromises jack your compromise like you are they're gonna make it you're gonna have to make a compromise you are the compromise you are the young dick she's like i just want some young d and i don't care what his personality is yeah pretty much so they have to share a bathroom and she's like oh my god this bathroom is so pretty it's not spoiler alert it's not and jack's like oh my god i like the mirror it has a sink i like how it has space and cabinets uh so um they're they're looking at all this stuff was this where he tried to open up the medicine cabinet i think it was because they're looking at the um and i could be wrong maybe this is a different part but i'm pretty sure it happened in this bathroom where he like tries to open up the medicine cabinet and he doesn't know how to do it and he's clasping it from like the bottom and then she finally just like takes it she's like you're dummy that's how you open a medicine cabinet so she's like well i'm really not crazy about overhead lighting it shows all my wrinkles you know what else shows them standing next to a 22 year old yes exactly so um you know they look at the they look at the various rooms and everything and uh they're saying that like the bathroom feels small and and she's like well the marble school though it's kind of like hotel vibes you know it's kind of feels like it's like nothing about this place feels like a hotel i'm gonna tell you this right now it's not hotel vibes that is not marble either so i don't know i've got i've got so much bad news for this couple.

36:25So Mango's like, oh, Jack goes, wow, the shower's really small. And he goes, yeah, no double showers here, guys. And she goes, well, I could spray you down in here with this shower head. He goes, yeah, like a wet dog. And she's like, I was trying to be sexy, but I guess woof, woof. Mango's like, please let me go home. Please. He's like, can I be a Bebo and fall through the balcony? Please just push me off.

36:54Ben Mandelker: Could I be a shockingly slender people? People. So she's saying how Jack is. He's been a little quiet. And I know that I know what he's thinking. He doesn't want this. He wants the house. He wants to get this over with. And he's putting very little effort into it. Hate to break it to you, Sarah. He's going to be like this all episode. This is just who he is. You may not realize it. Yeah. Guess what else he's going to put very little effort into? Everything. Everything. thing have you talked to this person so man goes like oh my god guess what there's a second sink so to each their own and she's like well we do at least have separate areas to get ready and uh they're like game changer let's do it so uh then we go to uh she goes like she finds a closet she goes oh so you have your own closet because there's another bedroom and he's like oh So this is where the closet is.

37:49Wow. This is in an actual room. Where do you think the closet is going to be, sir? I think it's going to be in the dog park.

37:56Ben Mandelker: Freestanding. What's wrong with this person? I know. So it's small. And Sarah's like, it's small, Mango. It's small. And Mango's like, it is, it is. I mean, of course it's small, you know. But like I said, it's going to be right in your budget, which also is small. You may remember 250 ,000 thinks she can live in the Ann Arden, Elizabeth Arden Arcade, Super Mario Brothers Park neighborhood. I don't think so, honey. Well, you know, at least we could just pay an HOA and then, you know, we don't have to go out and do yard work and we can work on your career, Jack. It's like, I'd rather just buy a house and make pen masks.

38:35Ben Mandelker: Well, this is not my first rodeo. Okay, this is my fourth property, fifth if I include you, that I purchased. and it's not just like, oh, we get the house and oh, hidey-ho, hidey-ho, hidey-ho. If we have a mortgage payment, he's going to have a full-time job and Jack is good at one thing and that's fighting. And guess what else he's also good at? Not fighting, actually. I lied. He can't fight very well at all. He's not good at anything. He's also bad at fighting, but one day he'll be good. I'll be rich. So you're telling me he's also, he doesn't even have a full-time job? His box driving job is not even full-time?

39:09Ben Mandelker: Oh, geez. yeah that's what i'm telling you she's planning on him just like spending all day trying to box which i don't know so um he's like i just want to see you how she's went off time to play around i have 20 years left i have five good summers like her carol redswell so now they're on their way to the next spot and she's like well you got to find a new gym out here okay he's like yeah i got a couple lined up because i want to be a pro athlete's wife so we gotta get you out there so now we see what this is all about which is that she by the way she's also very Larsa Pippin coded she looks like original Larsa Pippin in many ways and this is like very reminiscent of Larsa and Marcus so but it's just like the sad HGTV version yeah Larsa slipping so Sarah and Jack want to prove their age gap relationship isn't just a flash in the pan so they're bound to get home together This next place is 15 minutes from downtown Sacramento, but it's an older neighborhood, and it's more suburban than Sarah was hoping for, despite her outfits.

40:15Ben Mandelker: This neighborhood is known amongst locals as just Sarah. It's older. It's an older neighborhood, trying to look young. The neighborhood bird is a sundress. it's actually called freeport manor which is funny because freeport is exactly how uh jack describes his relationship with sarah a freeport to stay in the hoa is paid in jello let's see so sarah's like oh my god this neighbor is not really my style i mean i'm gonna living be like living and leave it leave it to beaver so this is the leave it to beaver one where it's really run down and uh every house has chain link fans it's it's like there's nothing about this that It looks like idyllic suburbia.

40:59Ben Mandelker: It's just like crumbling houses. It's just like, oh, my God. Hello, step for wife. Am I right? Yeah. So median price for this neighborhood is 400K. Jack loves it because Jack obviously had a disturbing childhood. I mean, he never says it, but, I mean, it's clear, right? Yeah. I'm pretty sure we're all clear on that. and um i think he just wants a house i have a feeling he was living in the storage unit and that's why he was complaining about ants he was probably staying in there was eating his chips in there or something and got ants yep that's probably what happened to be truthful yeah so he wants a house damn it and uh sarah's like well i mean it's so nice though it's not it's not really and uh it's like run down and just it's like not cute you know one thing i've noticed on house hunters no one really preps their house like they don't really stage it and make it look cute before they sell the house.

41:57Especially the third house. They just walk into shitholes all over the place. Like, okay, there's a dirty baby diaper on the floor. I don't like that, so let's just keep trucking. It's a house.

42:06Ben Mandelker: He's like, I don't like the floor. I like carpeted floors better. She's like, well, carpet's going to stink like dogs. Beebles? Yes, fucking beebles. Yes, congratulations. You've connected the dots. So, and he's like, well, you got to clean them off at the door. She's like, yeah, that's not how dogs work. Okay. Great. More work for me cleaning your Beeble off before walks into the house. So they look through. It's just generic. There's like one room that has like a window. And so he's like, natural lighting is nice in here. It's like, yeah. Natural lighting. Great. Yeah. And there's two closets in the bedroom, but they're tiny closets.

42:46And he's like, cool. And she's like, yeah, I don't want to spare the share closet space. And he's like, yeah, but like, okay, let's let's find let's fight for the bigger closet. And Mingo's like, rock, paper, scissor. Okay, whoever wins gets the bigger closet. And Sarah's like, rock, paper, scissors. I get both, Mingo.

43:08Ben Mandelker: Wow, Sarah. So then, so Jack's like, okay, but you can only throw scissors. I'm like, that's not how it works. That's not how the game works. So Sarah's like, I need my own mirror and my own sink because I need to make sure I have full view of my baby doll dress when i put it on okay because this man is always in my way he's like and he's like women they're just so messy in the bathroom and i right like why can't they flush the toilet like i don't want to come in here and flush like why don't you flush and she's like oh my god stop it her maturity level is terrifying to me because yeah she like that's the funniest thing in the episode to her.

43:49It's like got a real laugh. She's like, oh my God, a poop joke. I love him. I love him.

43:56Ben Mandelker: So then they look into her closet and Jack walks in. This is the first time, the entire episode his voice is monotone and slow. This is the first time there's a note of excitement in his voice. He walks in the closet and there's almost like a cracking sound. He's like, oh, whoa. And she's like, what was that? Mango, is this place haunted? Is it haunted? is it a young ghost please tell me it's a 22 year old ghost and it's a secret door um that's actually the crawl space that's where you go to the foundation it's a secret door to narnia he really thought that he really thought he found a special door he's like oh my god i discovered something in here there's like treasure down there so um basically it's they they have a little room downstairs, right?

44:45Oh, there's a bonus room or something. And she's like, oh my god, this is so dope. Watch your step, babe. Great video game room. This is where you can play your video games, honey. I can make breakfast. You can play video games.

44:59Ben Mandelker: You know, all those Atari games and such that are so fun. And he's like, yeah. And Mengo's like, yeah, well, and this was an add-on, but it's okay to have. So this is good. And look at the backyard. There's a big backyard. And you can put an ADU unit in the backyard. That way you can generate some income. Put an ADU unit. Does that mean building a whole house back there? He's saying you could just build a whole house in the backyard. Just build a tiny home back there. I'm already taking you to a place$140 ,000 over your budget. You know what you should do? Build an ADU. We build another house.

45:34Ben Mandelker: And I'm sure everyone will want to live there with all those bibles running around in the yard. Yeah. So we see potential rent for an ADU is$900 to$1 ,600. And he's like, it would help, guys. It would help with the money. No, it wouldn't help because they'd have to build the ADU. So they'd have to build it and then pay for the ADU to be built. That's for income as if the ADU is already there, you dummy. Yeah. And then Jack goes, I'd probably put a kiddie pool out there for the Beeble. Oh, I'm sure your neighbors will love that. They'll love the sight of that. Kitty-Bold dogs. Well, I guess we've got an option for a fucking Beeble, too.

46:10Thank God, Mango. Am I right?

46:13Ben Mandelker: The age difference does affect the way we both think. You know, Jack sees the backyard as his personal dog park, and I see it as a patch of grass connected to a 30-year loan. So in order to make that mortgage payment, we're going to have to go into more debt, getting an ADU in the back. So I don't know. Well, at least someone there has a brain. So Jack is like, oh, my God, I love backyards. Look at it. There's not even a closet out here. Well, that's a big backyard for you to mow. Are you ready for that? He's like, yeah, it's mowing. He's not going to mow shit. So then the only appliances that come with the house are the stove.

46:55And sir goes, oh, my God, is that five burners? Oh, that's brand new. I just love that. Now, where would the refrigerator go? Because there's not a refrigerator space in here. The only way is to cover up the window. So I don't know. I love showing them a place for$350 ,000 or$390 ,000 that doesn't even have a refrigerator space. That shit was funny because there isn't a place for the refrigerator. Where do you put it?

47:17Ben Mandelker: There was no place to put it. And I like – but she was like, well, that would be an – well, you could put it over here. She goes, well, that would be an eyesore. Well, you're going to have to put it somewhere. Hate to break it to you. So then goes like, yeah. And Jack goes, maybe refrigerators didn't exist yet when they built the house. On the screen, it says, the refrigerator was invented in 1913. Like, even the Chiron person is shading the stupid idiot. Like, I don't think we've ever seen that. Like, we hear Linda doing it. But, like, for the Chiron to shade him like that, I cracked up. That was so funny.

47:51It was so unexpected. I started cracking up. So then there's a garage. and um let's see they go to the garage and then um he's like wow i love this garage can i tell you this garage is big enough to fit my best spot and that's all he's like wow what a garage

48:11Ben Mandelker: and there was a giant he goes there's a huge crack and there is an enormous crack going down the center of the garage and because he wants to turn this to a gym i'm like enjoy working out with a giant crack in the floor that you'll trip on and bang your head into some barbell yeah well maybe that'll help watch him get fixed so um she's like oh my god you can put your weight set here and he goes no weights over here punching bag over here she goes okay well punching bag here and he's like yeah she's like wow i love when he stands up for himself so this place comes with a dog park and a built-in gym and she'd be saving 140 but you know he wants his first home and uh you know she's like it's got to be 50 50 though we're gonna both have to work twice it's hard to have this or maybe it'll be more like 53 22 i'm not sure so jack is like he's like i definitely like this house is worth the price because it's only going to go up in value i'm like not as long as you're living in there.

49:10Ben Mandelker: I don't think so. Yeah. So, um, yeah. So Mango's like, well, looking here, it's, it's, you know, it would be about$1 ,700 a month, but get an ADU and it'll be$3 ,600 a month until you get out of that debt. At which point, by the time you get that out of ADU debt, you're probably not going to be in a relationship any longer and probably will have moved out. Okay, great. I love Mango just can't get his head around the idea. He just keeps saying ADU, Like they're not going to have to add another hundred grand onto the price. You don't just you don't just an ADU doesn't just come. It'll be Jack just putting piling mattresses and making a fort.

49:45And it's like that by the time they get that thing done, it's just going to be the name of the relationship. Like I do. I'm out of here. This couple is not going to last. So Sarah's like, OK, so what are you going to get a job now so that we can afford the house? And he's like, I'm not going to need one. I mean like you're in the best industry there is It's like the storage industry Everybody needs to store stuff

50:10Ben Mandelker: Ants Ants need storage So well Since Sarah likes them young Their agent takes them to a newer home Since Sarah's a slut We're going to a slutty neighborhood So on the way to the next spot Sarah's like well I heard downtown It's like so up and coming. My girl told me about this club. It's got like a huge aquarium wrapped around the dance floor. I mean, it's Sacramento, so there's only catfish in it, but still. They haven't cleaned it in a few years, so it's kind of like green and murky, but it's supposed to be cool. After dating for just eight months, these sweethearts, air quotes, are mine, are ready to buy their first home together.

50:56Ben Mandelker: today they're heading to a place in a newer sacramento neighborhood 20 minutes from downtown but still a striking distance to the clubs and gyms neither of them are really going to go to let's be honest so they go into this neighborhood and this is more uh middle class it's like than they've been to yeah it's like big kind of boxy yeah and it's so funny because like the chain link chain link fence neighborhood she was like oh this is so leave it to beaver disgusting and then this one's actually just mcmansions and she's like i love it i'm like this is the leave it to beaver place yeah so um it's a two-story place and everything and the place was built in 2016 and sarah's like practically brand new and um it's two stories good neighborhood family friendly there's parks there's a trail it's below market price um and normally it's like 350 to 400 in place but this this house is shitty they walk in there is a sofa that just has like sheets kind of just flung on it like like someone was just doing their laundry and then had to get out of the house because they're going to film the house hunters this one was literally like there's like a turned over slurpee on the table like what what is happening how are you even showing this house did they know they were going to be on tv are they at starbucks right now and the producers are like Quick, someone let their door open.

52:21Ben Mandelker: Make that house number three. Guys, we'll give you 20 bucks to skedaddle for 30 minutes. All right? I know. That's really the vibe in this house. There's like a half-eaten bowl of cereal left on the table. There's someone just camouflaged like the wall, standing up against it, just waiting for the cameras to leave. Just doing like Felix the Clark. This was really a weird house. So then they show there's like a curved tile thing that just bleeds into carpet. it i mean it's not you know it's it's ugly but she's like oh my god i love it i love it it i love the transition and jack's like yeah transitions into an actual tile in the kitchen um so sarah's like i want something more modern you know like plank wood style like grayish wood yeah sarah your style that's over sarah okay gray is over sarah so then they go in the kitchen there's a lot of like red cherry wood so she's like this looks like Y2K okay and he's like stop it but this needs a whole gut and he wasn't even born in Y2K no it had to be 2003 right so she's like I don't know I mean I do like the flesh lighting that's nice too she's you know it's not luxurious but it's okay I could deal with it luxurious you have a$250 ,000 budget yeah you live like in the taj mahal so she's like listen all we're gonna do is work if we purchase this and she's like what's the point of having a young man if i can't enjoy him which good point you know so there's another one car garage which would be a good place what'd you say i said just fuck at that point i mean just yeah you don't need to prove anything to anybody you don't need to do any of this just fuck the guy for a while please don't get into a mortgage please no and she's already planning on taking care i just can't so um she's like oh my god and like this is a nice garage gym and i can put a loveseat back here and watch you work out then i can i could shower you off scrub you like the dog that you are yes man goes like oh please not again please please stop doing this to me well just do it after i leave that's all my requests oh my god in a bathroom with more cherry wood oh god cherry wood everywhere oh the indignities so the backyard is small and he's like it's not i don't like this i don't like the bush hanging over our fence well that's not what you said last night when you looked at my bush oh god please no come on we're on tv so she goes well i like the bush over the fence it gives us separation you know what else does the fence it's not the bush hanging over it it's literally a fence that's what they do ma 'am so he goes yeah but look how close we are to them how can you say we're separate she goes okay well i'm not crazy about weed whacking and cleaning because by the way this is one big overgrown weed this is a tiny little hallway of a backyard with just it's a bit it's a big giant weed he's like so we're right next to the neighbors she's well i'm not gonna weed whack all weekend.

55:32I mean, there's a club with an aquarium here. Did you not hear me?

55:37Ben Mandelker: Wrap around aquarium. I mean, those fish are going in a U-shape, which is very exciting for them. So Jack is like, then there's like a dog. A neighbor's dog is barking. And that, that dog barking. It's just so annoying. It's like, it's going to get my beeble worked up. The only dog that's supposed to be annoying in this neighborhood is mine. I can't have another dog that's annoying me. We have to be the ones annoying the neighbors. that's what i was thinking too i'm like oh really the dog with a yapping beavel doesn't want beagles are famously very quiet and chill so i'm sure a beavel mix will be great so i think wait sacramento caesar chavez california state capitol museum i'm looking up this bar with a rapid round aquarium i have to see it so it's called dive bar which is hilarious oh that's okay So the walls aren't all, it's not like all the walls are an aquarium.

56:31It's just a big long aquarium on the top of the bar. Are you looking at it? Yeah. And they have mermaids in there.

56:37Ben Mandelker: And they have mermaids in there. It's actually like, it's sort of funny. Cause it's like, not like a, it's not like a trendy bar. It's like a very, the people in the pictures, it's like a very, like it looks like a sports bar, but there just is a, a tank. I mean, it's kind of cool. They've got like their lighting is jellyfish hanging from the light. It's kind of a kitschy, cool place, but it's not like some club where she's going to go show anybody off. She's like, yeah. Yeah, this is you're not like in Vegas. This is not like that's not like the standard or something. I had to see what it was.

57:10That's not what I imagined. OK, so there's also T-shirts on the wall.

57:16Ben Mandelker: They're selling merch on the wall of this bar. I just want to point out. So. Dive bar. so um there's a medicine cabinet which sarah's really into a medicine cabinet and uh there's a curtain um at the in the shower which jack loves he's like wow god a curtain instead of glass now this this is class this is class and she's in the shower inspecting the shower head because she's probably gonna do her bit again and he just closes the curtain on her she's um babe i'm locked in I think it's like you're not locked in it's a curtain so they're looking around they light the light in the primary bedroom and everything and they light the there's a garage but Sarah's like but we're talking about a mortgage for 30 years now that's like you know you'll be my age by the time you pay off this mortgage just so you know so we're talking about a lot less money to have fun less MMA money for training and he's like okay it's like yeah you know Like, I mean, the whole process of finding us a house, I guess it's the right direction.

58:21But like her opinions always override mine because she feels so strongly about them. Also, she's making the money. OK, yes. You don't you don't get the same opinion, sir. I'm so sorry, Jack.

58:33Ben Mandelker: So they have their little they have their little bickering that they show in the beginning where he's like, doesn't mean I'm wrong. Doesn't mean you're right either. And then they go out. They leave. They leave the house. But the mics are still on. So they're like, they're really angry. She's like, you know, we really need to discuss this. It doesn't matter. I need you. I need to know if we can afford this or not because it's not going to fall only on you. We're both going to be working more. OK, that's more boxes, more ants, more everything. OK, we need to get the ball rolling. OK, OK. Well, these cross-generational idiots need to get on the same page before they can buy a home together.

59:05Sarah wants to pay cash for a condo, but Jack's down to take on a mortgage if it means that Sarah will be homeless. And Sarah's like, OK, so basically we know what they like, right? She wants the condo. He wants the houses. There's nothing he likes about the condo. He hates it. He's going to be stifled. He's not going to be happy. So they get the condo. No place for the people.

59:27Ben Mandelker: Yeah. Of course it's the condo because she wants the condo and it's the place. So we then go to – we see them. They've taken the condo. They got a little bit of a discount on it. And we then come back to them now sort of sprucing it up, making it nicer. and the whole episode ends with them sitting outside on this like little balcony and it's like this little patio with the slats that people could fall through theoretically looking out over more units and like some trees he goes I feel like I'm embarrassed

1:00:05I died she's like Paris and he goes yeah I got big plans to get back to training I'm gonna give it my all And she's like, oh my God, Jack is going to make millions of dollars. And I'm going to be sitting ringside in a really hot outfit with big fat diamonds and fancy car waiting for me outside.

1:00:24Ben Mandelker: A hundred percent. Can't wait for it. Oh, God. The sad dream. Watching these sad dreams slowly die. Wow. What an episode. It was hilarious. Wow. Well, that was a good one. Good find. and if you see an episode that you want us to cover whether it's House Hunters, House Hunters International, House Hunters Tiny Home, whatever as long as it's 30 minutes not one of the one hour ones just message us, send us an email to watchforcrappens at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion in your subject so we see it and who knows maybe we'll pick the suggestion that you send us thanks everyone for being here and bye

1:01:06This episode is sponsored by Nature Raised Farms. There are so many complicated things on Bravo. Like opening the front door on Summer House. Or figuring out how to wear a Linfinity dress.

1:01:16Ben Mandelker: Or understanding Tom Schwartz's purpose on the Valley. In a world full of confusing choices, thank goodness for Nature Raised Farms. They believe that food shouldn't be complicated. Especially chicken. But the freezer aisle often makes it that way. Too many options, too many additives, too many compromises. Do I like complicated chicken? No. No. Chicken should be fun. Complicated chicken, not fun. Chicken should meet a higher standard, and Nature Raised Farms is free from gluten, dairy, and soy. There are no seed oils and no artificial ingredients. Also, Nature Raised Farms chicken is a good source of fiber and only between 8 to 12 grams of fat per serving dependent on the product.

1:01:56Ben Mandelker: Chicken, that's just chicken. When food is that simple, there's a quiet joy in it. And we love quiet joy. like the moment Erika Jayne puts down her microphone. Keep your life simple with your new favorite chicken. Nature Raised Farms Chicken because chicken shouldn't be complicated. This message is brought to you by Cologuard. If you recorded songs off the radio for a mixtape, it might be time to screen for colon cancer. The Cologuard test is non-invasive, requires no special prep or time off, and you start screening right from your home. It's just three simple steps, setup, sample, and ship. If you're 45 or older and at average risk, ask your doctor about the Colaguard test, available by prescription only.

1:02:39Ben Mandelker: Learn more or request a prescription at colaguard.com slash podcast.