Dwell Hello #517: Alaskans Play Ball Down Under

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0:53Download the free app today and make the most of your summer with AllTrails. Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co-founder of Angie. And one thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. Because with every fix, update, and renovation, it becomes a little more your own. So you need all your jobs done well. For nearly 30 years, Angie has helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for the projects that matter. From plumbing to electrical, roof repair to deck upgrades. So leave it to the pros who will get your jobs done well. Angie, the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find a pro for your project at Angie.com.

1:59Ben Mandelker: well hello and welcome to dwell hello it's a watch what crap ends house hunters podcast I'm Ben, that's Ronnie How's it going Ronnie? Ready to talk some House Hunters? So good Ben, so good Yeah, this was a good episode of House Hunters Yeah, it was, it was funny Today's episode is Season 200 Episode 2 Alaskans Play Ball Down Under We found this on HBO Max If you have a House Hunters show that you want us to recap whether it's House Hunters, House Hunters International, one of the other random House Hunters, as long as it's 30 minutes and as long as it's available on HBO Max or YouTube TV, basically not any other type of paywall, then we might be interested in recapping it.

2:55Ben Mandelker: So email us at watchwhackrappens at gmail.com and put dwell hello suggestion in the subject, and we may choose your episode. This one is one that I just chose, honestly, kind of randomly. and it was a fun one. Once I saw Melbourne, I was like, okay, this will be a fun one to do. There'll be an Australian that usually makes us happy. Yeah, and he was great. I love this guy. It's Australians dealing with Americans' bullshit. It's really fun. The international one is just dealing with Americans in general. They're always fun. But the Australians, I think, are the most fun dealing with us because they really basically call us idiots to our face.

3:38Ben Mandelker: and it's great they do um especially these two these two people um well let's dive into it so um we see this guy what you don't want to form that one into words honestly it's like you know what i'll just let my descriptions during the episode describe the man bun it's the man bun and just like the shitty like green t-shirt dress that the girl was wearing i don't know i just was like, oh, these two. She actually seems they seem like very nice people, but the man, it was really about the man bun for me. I had a hard time with a man bun. Really hard time. You know what? It was the man bun and it was the man not having a job to me as well.

4:18And I'm not, you know, like of course men are allowed to be Mr. Moms and stay at home dads. Your son is at school, okay? Your son does not need you to be there all day. You are not cleaning that house all day, okay? Masturbator, you are sitting there playing PlayStation and you're masturbating. You need to go get a job especially if you want the more expensive home sir i'm not going to listen to this i'm mr mom no your child is at school and he's obsessed with baseball so he's got an after school activity as well cut your hair and get a man bun the man buns over the man at this point

4:50Ben Mandelker: the man bun is really just reserved for like hot guys from crossfit who have beards and that's it everyone else it just does not work anymore so like it's done you know yeah all right it's so I wish I had a man bun though. I really like man buns. I like man buns on certain men. I don't think I would. Maybe. You know, it's funny. We were looking at pictures, old pictures, on our bonus episode. And I found a picture of when I had long hair. Do you remember when I had long hair? Well, I had long hair during the pandemic. And I had long hair around 2008. And it was like, it was fun sort of having that long hair.

5:25Ben Mandelker: I mean, longish. It wasn't long. Compared to what it is now, it was long. But it was, you know, it was almost man bun-ish. I think there was a period of my life where I could have done a man bun but that time is gone I am no longer man bunnable yeah I'm obviously not man bunnable but yeah that would be great god I love man buns I think they're so hot on guys I like when they take their hair down they're like yeah now I'm ready to be sexy now this guy no not this guy well this guy was like some man all man buns are not created equally and also there are different types of man buns some man buns are like I have long hair and I need to put it into like a little ball but this kind was I have a few extra inches, so let me put a rubber band around it, and now I have a little fishtail popping out of the back of my head.

6:08Ben Mandelker: And that's not as effective. Not as sexy. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Okay, so we start with a little preview of the episode, but you know what? Why give you any of that? Okay, let's just see what Linda has to say. Dan and Stephanie are making a big move from Alaska to Melbourne for her new job. I'm a behavioral analyst. And her husband, Lucas, is like, or wait, is Lucas the realtor? Stephanie and Dan. Yeah, so Lucas is the realtor. And he's like, so I need to be on my best behavior, right? So we know he's a little spitfire. The opportunity to play baseball year-round sold Nolan. And Nolan's like, my goal is to become a professional baseball player.

6:50Ben Mandelker: Good luck with that kid. Well, to get his parents to agree on a home, but to get his parents to agree on a home, dot, dot, dot, Lucas might have to bat a thousand which we know he won't poor thing guys isn't it amazing how sweet this child is and how we all instantly know his dreams are already dead good luck playing in the kangaroo leagues of western Australia someday

7:21good luck in playing shrimp on a barbie ball because you're never going to make it into baseball

7:26Ben Mandelker: I can't wait for all zero of those MLB recruiters to come to Melbourne, Australia. It's almost like you're already wearing a logo on your shirt that says loser. Big L. Mickey Mantel. So, past tense. Mickey Cantel.

7:57Ben Mandelker: Sorry, just giving you some babe truth here.

8:04I'm out of baseball references because I'm a true homosexual. Sorry.

8:09Ben Mandelker: I can't Yogi Barrett anymore. Not going anywhere, kid. So he wants modern. She wants, you know, this crazy couple. Will they ever agree on what they're going to get? And Dan tells us, he's like, wow. You know, the two bathroom thing is really annoying. I mean, what do you need two sinks for? Half of them is probably the hair from your man, Ben, Dan. It's always the man who's like, why do you need your own sink? Because you're a pig. You're a pig. That's why. A pig. So now the episode begins, and we see Stephanie, who's just this, like, nice, generic-looking lady, who's wearing, like, this big green T-shirt the entire episode, like we are both right now, actually.

8:55But we're not on House Hunters. so it's green it's green t-shirt day but she's wearing one of those like tied around your boobs but then with poofy cotton sleeves over your shoulders and then it like turns into like a dress shirt on the top we've all seen the dress we all go to walmart and i just feel like you're coming on tv stephanie like make an effort you make an effort you know like you don't have to show up in a ball gown but like you look just i don't know like she needs a cigarette dangling out of her mouth and you know one of those like there's like curlers it's like she's going to the

9:30Ben Mandelker: gym right after this it's like please don't make me feel like we're an inconvenience before you get to your squats so i feel like she's on the stoop of a trailer park about to throw a beer canada cat yes so she says so we are from ketchikan um alaska um and no he can't i love that they're from they're with a loser baseball player and they come from a place called catch a camp he's not going to be able to catch anything catch a camp okay that's where he got his dream of baseball is that they would throw cans at him and say catch we're from catch a can everyone's got a catch a can here it's like wait a second he's really good at catching that can so she goes well when you think of alaska people normally think of igloos and um not necessarily igloos i just think of bears and darkness.

10:21Really? I think of a lot of men who don't shave their nuts. Because, you know, well, Sarah Palin, but also Alaska. Don't they have that thing in Alaska where there's way too many men and not enough women? Because there's like so many jobs in oil rigging, oil drilling, or whatever they do out there. And that's what I think. I think there are a lot of creepy men who need sex. And so it's probably dangerous.

10:44Ben Mandelker: So Dan tells us, you know, it rains a lot because it's in the rainforest. And it says, fun fact, Ketchikan gets more rain than snow with an annual rainfall of over 140 inches per year. One thing they don't get, baseball scouts. Sorry.

11:01And Stephanie says, you know, there's a saying in Ketchikan that if you never went outside when it was raining, you would never go outside. Isn't that good? We are leaving a place of humor.

11:12Ben Mandelker: We have great sayings about ourselves that we've invented. We create sayings for ourselves, for ourselves, by ourselves. So, Dan. You know, our fashion saying in Ketchikan is, if you don't want to look like a soaked dog, don't buy it. Dan says, well, we met in college at Ketchikan State University. I majored in catching. She majored in canning. And, well, it was only a matter of time before we met. I've never caught the can of green beans. I'll tell you that. It's a slippery can. I've been chasing them for years where cans run away from you. Stephanie says, well, I made the first move. I mean, no surprise, right?

11:55Ben Mandelker: Look at this man bun attempting to have some form of masculinity, not this guy. I was like, okay, I'm too drunk to drive. And he was like, you should drive home anyway. And I said, no, don't you get it? I'm too drunk to drive. I'll sleep on your couch. And he said, no, there's no one out here. Just a few moose. Go drive home. And I said, you don't get it. I want to bone you. She goes, oh, okay. and kind of were my way in that way. It's kind of a creepy story, isn't it? So I met my husband because I was too wasted to drive, so he told me to get into his car. I mean, it could have ended up creepy.

12:31So she's like, honey, could you put your phone away so we can enjoy our walk? And he's like, sorry, I'm just watching golf. Don't have a lot of time to catch up on my golf with all the not working ideas.

12:41Ben Mandelker: And then they show like stock footage of golf. I'm like, thank you, HGTV. We do not need to have an illustration of what golf is. It's like, for those of you tuning in who are not aware of golf, this is what he's watching. I was like, why are we watching what he's - Why are we watching stock footage that is a representation of what he's watching on his phone? This is strange. Show us the countryside. But we know it was legit footage because we saw Katie from Real Housewives of OC like, hi, we're here on the golf course. and I just wanted to tell you we just saw a child that is never going to make it in baseball.

13:14That was a birdie.

13:16Ben Mandelker: So talk about him all again. That's what your son's name should have been. So then Stephanie says, Nolan is our son. He is 12 and we're definitely a sports family. Did we name him after Nolan Ryan? Perhaps. That's for you to find out at some point during this episode. No, we're not going to talk about that? Okay, that's fine. Yeah, Nolan really loves baseball, but in Alaska it's about two months season because of the weather. I'm a teacher. I have a pretty typical routine, but God, this one, my wife over here, she works 70 hours a week. She has not changed her smock once. I mean, she hasn't had time.

13:49Ben Mandelker: I do ABBA therapy. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant to say I do ABA therapy, which stands for... The winner takes it on. It's Applied Behavior Analysis, and that's when we basically, we work with autistic children and their families and make them listen to ABBA. So it's really fun for everyone.

14:11they're real dancing queens our kids real dancing they might hit their parents sometimes but god

14:18Ben Mandelker: damn can they harmonize god good so dan is like well um what by the way uh hey nolan this is your father speaking because i'm a cool dad what would your cut of meat be to throw on that community barbecue over there he's like a tomahawk ribeye that's absurd it's like well you asked what you wanted and I'm giving you an honest opinion father I'm sorry Nolan did you not hear the part where your dad refuses to work you're not affording a tomahawk you need to pick some hot dogs hot dogs like ballpark hot dogs get it baseball so Stephanie's like Australia wasn't really on the radar I mean I had job postings come through and it's like oh I don't want to move to Chicago I don't want to move to Florida.

15:10But then I saw one that looked like everything I wanted to do, and it had catch in the title, and I applied. And guess what? The rest is history.

15:17Ben Mandelker: It's like I was saying, when you have a son who loves baseball, why would you ever go to Chicago? Am I right? No one even talks about baseball in Chicago. Well, they got two teams. Stupid. Lame. Famous stadium. Who cares? Wrigley Field. More like Pussyfield. Yeah, when she was disregarding, say, what'd you say? Wrigley Field, more like Pussyfield.

15:44Yeah, it's an amazing adventure, as for going to somewhere completely crazy. We're just nutty people, that's what we're going to do. Get your can. Like, who even came up with this name? We're moving there. I was like, does it sound insane? Let's go.

15:57Ben Mandelker: You know, it's a big deal to uproot your entire lives away from your family. I mean, my mom said, you're out of the will. And I said, what do you own, mom? A Yoplait yogurt? Come on, we're going.

16:10You know, it's a big deal to root your entire lives away from your family. God, my mom said, you're out of the will. It's just funny. My mom has nothing. But it was still cute. And Dan's like, yeah, the first couple of months I won't be working because my primary role will be to help Nolan get settled. Because you know what Nolan needs? Baseball bat. Probably a comb. that's pretty much it it's gonna take a lot of time so yeah it'll take a few months to find a

16:38Ben Mandelker: mitt that's what i'm gonna look for i'm good a good an australian mitt all right but what they call it they call it a wilt because it's on it's upside down in in australia so no one's like yeah moving to australia i'm frightened and i'm curious because like maybe i'll finally be able to meet some people who can get me out of baseball god i hate living out my parents dreams he's such a sweet kid this kid i mean it's fun to like make fun of people on the show but he really is a sweet little guy he goes but what if we go to australia and they don't like me back i mean that's such a sweet thing to say i wish i was his parents so i could go why are you assuming that you're gonna like them like you need you don't walk into a room thinking what do people think about me you need to walk into a room thinking what do i think about these fucking people.

17:27Okay. That'll, that'll turn it around for you, kid. I want a bitchy baseball player son. That's what I want.

17:33Ben Mandelker: So they are, they found a baseball club that, um, it's three days a week and it's an, it's a year, year round baseball. It's a baseball season that never ends, or as I like to call it a baseball season. Hey, yo, Hey, yo, baseball. It never ends. Yeah. We want to make this transition as easy as possible. So we're going to go to a baseball field. So they go over to the baseball field with Nolan's team. And the coach is like, you got some gear with you. And he goes, yes, sir, I'm prepared. And then we meet. What kind of baseball? What do you have to bring all your own gear to baseball? You know, sports.

18:09Is that a thing you do?

18:10Ben Mandelker: What do we pay taxes? So Lucas, the realtor, comes out and goes, Melbourne's not just the sporting capital of Australia. It's the sporting capital of the world. We have all the sports here. Every single sport. They may as well just have the Olympics here for the rest of the Olympics time. because this is the world capital of all sorts of sports. I was like, is it? The best sport they have in Melbourne. No, I was like, is it? Is Melbourne the world's capital of sports? I hadn't heard that before. I've never heard that, but you know what? They're so far away from us. Like it's literally so far. I even think the internet takes longer to get over there.

18:45Like when I'm texting my friend in Australia, I'm like, is this taking longer to get there or are you just taking long to answer? Because I think it's hard. but anyway I think the best sport they have there is Real Housewives because that is the best Real Housewives of all time Real Housewives of Melbourne that's my favorite one of all time such a classic I got cancer and I got rid of it because I said cancer get the fuck out of my body

19:12Ben Mandelker: you get out of my body right this instant so Lucas so Lucas is saying like yeah sports is like a religion and Stephanie is like well our son plays baseball It's like, well, I've never played, but had I played, I probably would have been the best in the world at it because it's the world capital of baseball. So naturally, if you play baseball, you'll be the best in the entire world, which is why the MLB is known for all of its Australian baseball players. Dan and Steph are looking at the outer suburbs of Melbourne about an hour east. The rental market, no matter where you are, is at an all-time peak, kind of like my sex life because I'm Lucas.

19:52I'm one hot motherfucker and I'm here in Melbourne. Call me. You might see my face on a bus bench in which case I suggest you sit on it.

20:02Ben Mandelker: Orgies are like sports in Melbourne and as we all know Melbourne is the world capital of sports. What I'm trying to say is the best orgies in the world are in Melbourne and I'm in every single one of them. At the moment our vacancy rate is 0.08. Do you understand what that means? It means we're the top. We are the top in vacancies. The best in vacancies. Australia is the best vacancy rate in the world. You know, 0.08 is also my blood alcohol content when I made myself sleep on Dan's futon and we got married afterwards. It's also the amount of seconds I spend a day thinking, I should get a job.

20:45Thank God I pass this quick.

20:46Ben Mandelker: I should cut my man bun. 0.08 seconds considering that. Dan's like, all right, here's what I'm looking for in a home. I want it to, I'm looking for simplicity, all right, because I'm the cleaner of the house. So anything I can just take a paper towel to won't do. I hate this demand. You want like a simple, boring house mainly because you're going to be the one cleaning it. I don't think the house should suffer because of your laziness. And let me tell you, it does. And I can guarantee you that Stephanie cleans this house anyway. This man will wipe off a sink after he gets some toothpaste on it and want a fucking gold medal.

21:23Ben Mandelker: That's why she wants to have two sinks. So Stephanie says, Dan's also a crazy dreamer, and I am not. For instance, he keeps thinking that man bun's going to turn into a ponytail. And we all know it has reached the end of its life, okay? I just want something affordable. As you can probably see, no one's better in this family at settling than me. So just anything. Just please. I'm paying for it. So just anything. Or I will. Nolan's like, I know we can't spend a trillion dollars on a house, but I'm hoping for a space that I can play my drums. Oh, hell no. Oh, for fuck's sake. You're a drum player, too.

22:01Ben Mandelker: Whatever goodwill Nolan had is gone. So he wants drums. So then Stephanie says, Nolan, your neighbors are already going to hate you for being an American. And the first thing you're going to do is get a set of drums in there. come on but he does redeem himself because later on in the episode we see him with his drums and they're like the electric padded ones they don't make noise so it's like okay i will give you a pass but not until later because until then i'm gonna be mad at you so then stephanie's saying that she wants three bedrooms because she wants to have a home office and then lucas is like oh and so when you look where is that and she's like ridgewood but also we like really want to be close to like the Knox Baseball Club because they do baseball all year round.

22:44Ben Mandelker: What I like about this is that they feed the delusions of these little boys into thinking that they'll have a career in this. And then finally they'll enter the workforce like the rest of us.

22:54So a wish list close to work and near baseball. So Dan's like, yeah, it'd also be real nice to have a big backyard because, you know, I want to play baseball with the kids. It's important to teach your kids that they can achieve your dream. I mean, look at me. I'm living off a woman. So that's pretty much all I've ever wanted to. So winners, winner's circle.

23:15Ben Mandelker: Wish list. Big backyard for baseball. Also, did you get my two sinks in there? Two sinks for baseball.

23:25We tend to have different tastes. I like character. And on the screen we see wish list character. Well, I want simple, simple, easy to clean. And I need a dishwasher and hardwood floors because carpet is disgusting. I hate carpet. Okay? Just want hardwood floors everywhere.

23:42Ben Mandelker: Wish lists. Simple and clean for baseball. So then Stephanie says, well, you know, happy husband, happy life. I'm like, I don't think that's how the phrase goes, but that's okay. So then Lucas is like, all right. So that is not the saying. He even says it. She says, happy husband, happy life. All right. that is not the saying okay is there anything specific that's that's a bit of a deal breaker okay because i i'm i'm i would be shocked if there is a deal breaker considering that you're living with this man with a with a man bun she goes well i've talked to your husband for five minutes and i'm shocked that you haven't come up with 20 yet and and they're sitting at this like cafe and lucas is sitting so far from the table eating his salad i'm like could you please scoot in a little bit you're going to get a stain so then um uh they want two bathrooms but they only want to spend two thousand dollars a month at which point lucas is like am i being punked is this happening is ashton kutcher going to come out from behind the fast casual counter over there and say i'm being punked like justin timberlake am i that famous already like get to be unpunct yeah well we could go more but with me not working that could be a problem yeah so go to work i'm not going to let up on this man it's making me this whole episode is making me fucking crazy your son is old he doesn't need anything he's practically old enough to vote if there was a war they'd ship him off okay you can get a job for fuck's sake so um lucas is like well if they want me to stick if they want me to stick to two thousand dollars and they want to be close to working close to nolan's baseball i mean that's a huge thing you know how many people ask me i want to be right down the street from knox baseball club all right it's a lot of people then they're not going to get what they want in a home.

25:23It's as simple as that. It is as simple as that. I'm not giving these people dick, all right?

25:29Ben Mandelker: Knox Baseball Club is the most valuable real estate in all of Australia, okay? It is the world capital of the real estate in the world capital of sports. Well, Lucas's first option isn't about the house itself. It's more about where it's located, which he's found a spot somewhere deep in the ocean, so that way these people don't have to invade their island. Wow. Baronia is in a cracking position for work. Five minutes away from work. Baronia, all right? There's probably a pit bull behind a chain link fence in every house, and you could die here very young, all right? Gunshots at night, trash on the streets.

26:11It's going to be great. You're going to love it.

26:13Ben Mandelker: Now, I just want to remind everyone the neighbourhood's called Baronia, not to be confused with what people say when they see Stephanie's shirt, which is boring. Yuck. Boringia or over there. Boronia. Boronia. Why won't nobody? Ophonia. Okay. It's probably because of your shirt. And it's two minutes to baseball. And Dan's like, awesome. We love baseball. God, I really love baseball. Well, the backyard is massive. Nice for baseball. But the house itself leaves a little bit to be desired. But I mean, you guys know that because that's the same with both of you. So anyway, the character is really here so come on and let's come look at this i love lucas's honesty he's like the house leaves a little bit desired you know one thing that's come out of america that i like is grand theft auto played it it's basically characters like that living in a neighborhood all right so just imagine lots of stupid people without jobs in the street walking all over the place shooting at each other that's where you're going to be living if you choose right here in So then a male person drives by on a scooter and he's like, oh, look at that.

27:22Ben Mandelker: Look at that male person on a scooter. You have postmen like that back in Alaska? No, because if they did, they'd get eaten by bears. Whoa. It's a real yes and moment from you. Thanks a lot, bro. He goes, what do you reckon? Actually, the male person, he said, you got posties like that? Which I really like. He's like, hi, postie. You got posties like that? I like that. I'm going to start using that with my postie. I'm going to be like, hey, postie, could you maybe put the packages up here instead of down the middle of the street? I've got a hot mailman. That would be great, postie. Which is very exciting.

27:58Ben Mandelker: You do? He's hot. I want a hot mailman. He's just like a tall, hot mailman.

28:07Ben Mandelker: I mean, you just sort of see him on the sidewalk. I was like, isn't it funny that we have a hot mailman? So then we see house number one. It's got character. quote unquote character and by character it actually has no character whatsoever it's just a brick house um three beds one bath big yard short commute it's actually like not bad um it's small uh but there's like for how small it looks on the outside it has a surprisingly open vibe on the inside i found you know wooden floors has this sort of like um layout that sort of goes in a circle. The real, the real issue is the, the bathroom. That's where they have a big issue because the bathroom is like, there's only one bathroom and they wanted to have two.

28:56Ben Mandelker: And then this bathroom, the toilet is in its own sort of like sub room, like a stall. But then there's like this weird, there's a bath, but then there's a shower and it's, it's sort of like a little strange. I personally didn't think it was like a terrible bathroom, but they were really upset by it. Well, it was really small when you're going to have three people crammed in there before church yeah you know trying to get ready you know mom's trying to iron out her smock and dad's trying to get his man bun up there and lucas is in the mirror just saying baseball over and over to himself until his dream comes true so why it's a tiny bathroom for all of that yeah dan is he he's going on he has a real thing with carpet he's like bringing alaska trauma because he's like i hate carpet because growing up in a rainforest and always tracking it, bud and grime.

29:39Ben Mandelker: It's just impossible to keep it clean. I'm like, well, take your shoes off outside before you walk in. I don't know. What do you want me to tell you, you know? Yeah. And at one point, the mom's like, well, you know, this doesn't really have room for a drum kit. And Lucas goes, drums? That was not the brief. Now we've got a fucking drummer. How many dreams are you allowing this child to have? I mean, isn't it bad that he's going to, isn't it bad enough he's going to already fail at baseball? Now he's got to fail at drumming. All right, here's a dream we need to get inside of your child, playing video games and eating hamburgers.

30:13Ben Mandelker: I mean, baseball and drums. How many things does this kid have to hit with a stick?

30:20Ben Mandelker: What's next? Is he going to open a pinata company? I mean, come on. So they're walking through, and I like this. At one point, Lucas goes, to the left, to the left. And, you know, people at HGTV are like, okay that's as much as we can include of him singing before we get sued by Beyonce

30:40I know none of you gay enough to know this but I basically just broke up with your entire family

30:45Ben Mandelker: all right so they're looking and Stephanie's like well I don't know it's a little smaller than what we're used to you want to spend two thousand dollars per month for a three bedroom two-bathroom house in the suburbs. Ma 'am, you are a little bit smaller in what you think you can achieve. A little smaller than we're used to. I mean, can we not go over quotes from our wedding night? That would be nice. Alright, now listen, I chose this house because it's close to everything. It's not really about the house, this one. It's about location. The house is shit. The family that lives here has unachievable dreams.

31:23The dad's a dead

31:24Ben Mandelker: beat but guess what you're close to baseball do you want to see the baseball bathroom now it's time we talked about it now we're gonna go into it so they walk in and they're like oh my god they're like well at least the toilet's separate oh my god it's so small and dan is like one sink we're gonna share with the teenager what are we gonna do um so it's like yeah well we might have to put a timer on the bathroom like you get 10 minutes buddy that's all you get all right i'll pretend to be nolan i'm like hey mom and dad what's going on oh okay well um it's really a big bummer that there's only one bathroom all right so the role-playing is done here i'm trying to have a good episode here but these fucking amateurs won't give it to me can i get some better pool people in here please i mean it's bad enough they don't have money can they have some jokes.

32:19Ben Mandelker: Yeah, it's just a real big bummer that there's only one bathroom, you know? Like, I mean, living with two males, that's like a different level of cleanliness, you know? That's just a lot to deal with, especially with Dan tracking in all his rainforest mud everywhere. Come on, don't bring that up again, okay? It's hard enough for me to think about it. But she doesn't do any cleaning. You get that? She's complaining about cleaning. She's not the one who's got to do the cleaning. This broad, am I right? So now they look at a small bedroom and that could be an office space for her. And then they like the flow.

32:56Ben Mandelker: The flow is surprisingly good for this space. I was like, I was thinking it would be a much worse flow, but the flow is OK. Kitchen's OK. But the dishwasher, there's no dish. We get this whole thing. It's like he's like, um, it's missing something. It's like, what's that? The dishwasher standing in the kitchen. That's you, dummy. You can scrub that plate while you think of the baseball career you never had. That's my favorite couple joke. When they're like, hey, do you guys have a dishwasher? Sure do. He's standing right in front of you. My husband. It's classic. It hits every time. It slaps. Yeah.

33:35So Dan's like, what? There's a washer in the laundry room? Okay, well, that's a little quirky. I mean, I really look at the functionality because I'm trying to make everything easy. And they've got a dishwasher in a laundry room. I mean, that's just cringy. That is just that just gave me the ick.

33:49Ben Mandelker: That's like a man bun on a dad who doesn't have the hair to support it. Right. Just cringy. It is actually weird. Like that dishwasher being like the laundry room is next to the kitchen. You sort of have to like go around a corner. So every time you want to put dishes in dishwasher, it's sort of weird to not have it right next to your sink where you can just sort of. Yeah. But also. What are you going to do? Like rinse them off and then carry them into the other room to put them in? It's weird. They shouldn't ever. I would actually disqualify the house for that or just be like okay we'll buy a dishwasher and put it in like do some renovations yeah I don't know but I don't know that there's room in there but I'll tell you where there is room hey little little one who probably won't amount to anything go get your baseball bat because it's practice time look at this backyard look at all these neighbors you can knock balls into their windows like nobody wants you playing baseball in the backyard party people fucking nuts are you concerned that your neighbors won't be able to tell that you're american enough well guess what you can come out here and be loud and play lots of baseball and break all their windows and then you can go rotting inside when you see a big spider and say oh my god we don't have spiders like that in the usa well the rest of us say pussies wow you weren't kidding this backyard is massive what do you think mate well it's awesome i mean you could you could almost hit back here you could almost hit back here what do you mean you could almost hit you got to put your hips into it and just go bang you know it's like have you ever started an orgy before it's just simple as one two three listen i'm good at everything what can i say just except for finding two bedroom houses all right bitch there are two bathroom houses because you're not really good at that are you kind of feeling at that one you know what i bought you two salads from kava and this is how you repay me i don't think so okay i know this wasn't a home run that's baseball for you dum-dums, but it's only$2 ,000 a month and we're close to everything, including your failed dreams of being a baseball player, young one.

35:49I know it's a home run, but I'm talking to a family of strikeouts. Alright, so...

35:56Ben Mandelker: So, so, but Lucas is like, well, the compromise has to come. It scares me holding that bat, alright? Can you just take that bat down? Can you just like not, not, can you put that bat down? You're going to hit me, aren't you? Americans are very violent. So now it's time to go to the next house, everybody. So we see them kind of doing stuff around town. And Dan's like, well, we found out some research that they really value work-life balance in Australia. So there was a possibility that she could do what she wanted and not have to work 75 hours a week. And then if I was going to work zero times a week, I could still work less than zero times a week.

36:38So really, I love this place already.

36:41Ben Mandelker: Yeah, my visa says I can work 38 and a half hours a week. I mean, it's really amazing, but I do have a mandated 10 hours of didgeridoo. So, all right. Get to practicing that. Win some, you lose some. We told Nolan, you got to start learning how to play with an Australian baseball bat, which turns out to be just a didgeridoo also.

37:05All right, well, oh, sorry. Moving abroad is definitely one of those bucket list dreams for me. you know, because I've been thinking about work-life balance for my wife, you know, and Nolan could play baseball all year round. This is so worth it. I'm giving up nothing. God, I love this. Stephanie's like, you know, every little boy's dream is I'm going to play for the MLB. I want to play for the MLB. Let's move far away from Chicago. I don't want to be close to Chicago.

37:34Ben Mandelker: Every little boy's dream, especially when you name them after a famous baseball player and force them to play baseball from the time they're one and a half months old is that they want to join the MLB and fulfill their parents dreams. And that's just what Nolan's going to do for us. So we made sure to take them to a city that has no MLB teams in it. And we'll never see an MLB team. We love this. We love this for him. Yeah. So they go play at the park and practice. Guess what? Baseball. Dan's like, I'm just bubbling with excitement. I'm trying to temper it down. So They're both going through a lot more stress with it than I am.

38:11I can't imagine why they're worried about things. School work, worried about ball, ball, baseball. I'm going to have a famous son.

38:20Ben Mandelker: So he's like, yeah, I'm just bubbling, bubbling with excitement. So she says, well, I'm feeling really relieved that Dan isn't working for the first few months. And then the next few months after that, and probably the next few months after that, maybe for maybe a year after that too. And then maybe another year after that as well. I'm just so relieved because he just keeps getting fired and just nice. to not have to go through that emotional journey. He can just stay unemployed and he can clean up like, I don't know, every time he spills some Gatorade somewhere. He says, unfortunately, that means less money that we would normally have.

38:49And Dan goes, yeah, well, I'd be happy to spend a little bit more money to have a dream spot. You're not working. Be quiet. I can't say it enough. So she's like, well, just trying to give us the best Australian start, honey. We don't want to waste all our money that we don't have right now.

39:06Ben Mandelker: Yeah, you know, he's like, well, Can you elaborate what that means? You know, being able to have money saved when stupid stuff happens, like a car breaks down because you know who put the you know what in the wrong you know thing. What? The time you put the wrong gas in the tank, Dan. Don't you remember that? We were stranded in a snowstorm for six hours in Alaska. Not going to do that again. Sugar can make our kid run for a block or two. Why can't it make the car go a little further? Dan, the number of bees you attracted to a gas tank was inconceivable. Not going to happen again. He's like, well, I feel modern would be more functional than anything.

39:42I really like modern, modern things.

39:45Ben Mandelker: Yes, as we can tell by his wardrobe.

39:50Ben Mandelker: So, well, Luke's like, well, he's happy to spend more money. And since Dan's staying home with Nolan, all I think he deserves is a house that he wants to live in. But it's a long way from town, which actually may be a good thing, because I don't know if I'd want to have Dan showing up in town in front of all my neighbors. with that bad thing for dan good thing for town we're on the outskirts of lilydale which is what i hear also is what dan was called as a child um and he says that it's 35 minutes

40:23Ben Mandelker: um it's 35 minutes from baseball it's every it's like 30 minutes 35 minutes from baseball from work that's long i do have to say why is it and mentally i think 30 minutes from work i'm like no big deal but 30 minutes from baseball is more annoying i think it's because it's like baseball is only for like two hours so you have to go all the way over there and come on back and then all yeah you have to find something to do while he's a baseball and she's always going to get stuck doing it you know so she's going to have to go from work to pick him up and then she's going to sit there and wait while he's at bay although they're probably the kind of parents who do all the um practices you know they probably show up and they're god damn it move it nolan jesus why are you letting that guy take over you he's a fat son of a bitch he's a fucking moron wussy don't let him get you guys this is a practice please get off the field please that being said i mean i think we all grew up with people who like did sports and they would have to drive 30 minutes to wherever they had to go so get over it fuckers i mean 30 minutes is kind of everywhere here it takes me 30 minutes i think i live two miles from you or something like that like i looked on the map i live like 2.5 miles from you but it takes 30 minutes to get to your house and i always thought well that's not too far but i ain't never gone that far it feels far in real life practice it feels you just get used to going 30 minutes away i my experience with commutes is that you just they become part of your routine you build that time in and it's just that's just how it goes to have a really good house it's worth it yeah i think so but you know that's me so um they're bitching about the drive already and he's like yeah but you've got four bedrooms three bathrooms i mean you've got a bathroom each that's amazing none of you will have to accidentally run into a family member's fupa so i mean i think that's worth the drive don't you more drive less trauma right then she's like well that's exciting and lucas says yes but there's one little issue dun dun dun it's gonna cost you a bit more suckers four hundred dollars more twenty four hundred dollars she's like oh that's a a little more than i'm comfortable with you know it's like well i'm you're wearing a shirt that i'm a little bit a little more than I'm comfortable with seeing and I'm okay with it.

42:50Ben Mandelker: So basically the that's expensive for them. It's$400 above their budget. And Dan's like, you can see my blood pressure ratcheted up a little bit. As soon as she found out the price, Oh my God. She says, well, it's not just the money. The house is also really far from my work and Nolan's baseball, his very important baseball. yeah um but this is a really really nice house and dan's like oh my god look at the view i don't see anything i'll even need to see again oh stop facing us you need to look out the window oh god you're right that's what i brought you look at this view it's like on a hill it's all this beautiful green and this one's really nice like i think the exterior is actually a little ugly but even though it's supposed to be nice i think i don't love the exterior but who cares it's nice there's this like tile throughout which I actually kind of think is cool it's like a it looks like the sort of tile you'd see on a counter but it's on the floor and I kind of like that that's on the first floor but then you go on the second floor there's a kitchen and a fun layout in terms of living space and kitchen and dining room and all that and it's like a 70s kind of like there's exposed brick walls and it's like very 70s vibe but it's pretty cool for this Yeah, there's a dishwasher.

44:07Ben Mandelker: But the thing is, it's actually a bit too big. It's like four bedrooms, three bathrooms. So and on top of that, it's like$400 over budget. They go into one bedroom at some point. And this is my favorite part. Dan goes, is that a Wu-Tang sign? And she's like, it looks like a Wu-Tang sign. He'll love that. Like Jaden will love that or whatever the kid, Lucas, whatever the kid's name is. Nolan Jaden and then we see on screen after they say that there's a Wu-Tang sign the Wu-Tang Clan is a New York City hip-hop group tell me you're broadcasting to an older generation without telling me well I mean it's not like the Wu-Tang Clan is exactly current but it just was so funny like this is what the Wu-Tang Clan is everyone

44:56so now they go look at nolan's bathroom that's really nice um stephanie they check out the other bathroom she's got two sinks because she wants her own bathroom she doesn't want to have to share it with her husband who i mean who can blame her and she's like i can have a morning sink and an evening sink okay can we do that with your smocks can we at least change the smocks

45:18Ben Mandelker: up in between houses. Come on.

45:23And now Dan's like, I'll still have to clean it even though it's not my bathroom. I hope she realizes how lucky she is. She can focus on her career 100 % while I take care of Nolan. That is one lucky woman. I look at Dan and I think

45:38Ben Mandelker: she's so lucky. You are treading on some thin ice. How can anyone be as lucky as Stephanie to wind up with Dan and his man bun?

45:50so they head to the backyard and it's nice it's like over it's on a hill it looks like one of those in the hills but it's a very small backyard and um they think that you know it's not big enough for baseball okay but the dad loves this place i mean this is definitely the nicest place they see i think and um she's like you know it's what we're looking for and he goes yeah a little small in the yard but that's just nitpicky i mean come on we can justify spending a little more money stephanie all you need to do is get another drop stephanie come on stephanie but it's so far

46:24Ben Mandelker: from baseball it would and the commute to work is so hard he's like wait a second i'll put you on my side and dan's like well i am but like you know just i don't know i just know what i go home to at night this one here am i right smocky mix mocker face so then we see stephanie and dan playing catch and Lucas goes, throw it in his head. Throw it in his head.

46:50I love Lucas. He's not even hiding his disdain for these people at all. He's one of the best realtors they've had on the show. He goes, alright, where are we going to next? Compromise town. It's going to be cheaper and closer.

47:04Ben Mandelker: Compromise town. So now they are ordering coffee at a truck And Stephanie is like, I would like a flat white with soy milk. Like, isn't that the one who's standing next to you? You already married him. He's like, yeah, you know, I'm probably the only person in Melbourne that doesn't drink coffee. It's just, oh, God, moving to Australia, the craziest thing we have ever done. It's just so drastic, you know, leaving a place where we've got security, rain, family we hate. Oh, God. Moving here. I mean, they have coffee in trucks here. This is crazy. Nolan's like, I'm worried about trying to make friends.

47:47Ben Mandelker: And poor Nolan, innocent victim in all this. Nolan's so sweet. Why are his parents taking, if he wants to be in the MLB, why are they taking Nolan so far away from the MLB? Like, why do they not like go someplace where he can see a bait, like an MLB game or go to like a baseball, like an MLB baseball camp? And like, why is why are Florida and Chicago so off the off the off the off the table for them? I just don't understand this. I don't know. It's sad. Little Nolan's like, but I have a chance, right? You do. Let's go to catch a hatchie. So Dan is like, you know, he's 12. So we do this now or we don't we don't want to do it when he's a teenager because that's really challenging.

48:32You know, it's really best to do it when a kid's at their least awkward when they're 12 years old.

48:37Ben Mandelker: It's important for us to move him away from baseball opportunities exactly at the time when he might be wanting to lean into them the most in his life. But don't worry, there's a park in Knox Land, Melbourne, where he can pick up a pickup game with some kids. Dan's like, wow, Stephanie's career means a lot to her. And if she doesn't perform well, there's a possibility we're going to pack up back to the States with our tail between her legs. Guess what? My arms are going to be in the air and I'm going to say, not my fault. Okay. Blame dummy over there. I can't wait to go back to the United States and order some round white coffees.

49:14Ben Mandelker: So these flat whites. So they go to the next house and Steph is the sole provider for the time being. And by the time being, I mean the rest of her life. So her focus is on practicality and price and try not to look at Dan's terrible man bun. Before Dan looks for a teaching job, though, his responsibility will be shuttling Nolan to school and baseball and wiping up the random Gatorade spills he has around the house and then acting like he did something heroic. And when it comes to home, he's not afraid to swing for the fences. And by swing, I mean that in all senses of the word. All right, this is a nice compromise for him, but they're going to still clash heads, all right?

49:57And how can he not with those heads? The best thing they could do is clash them up against walls. We've got lots of walls for them to bang their heads up against here. All right, we're off to Glenn Waverly. 30 minutes to baseball, 25 minutes to Ringwood for Steph's work, and a lifetime away from any kind of familial success.

50:16Ben Mandelker: All right. So they've shaved five minutes off the commute and five minutes off the baseball. I don't think that's that big of a difference, but they're in a big, beautiful suburb. There's a big backyard, three bedroom, two bathrooms. And Lucas is like, well, this does lack a little bit of character, but, you know, it's you too, right? Smock palooza, am I right? So you're going to love the inside, mate. Who doesn't, am I right? Hey, it's not like you got the smocks at Neiman Marcus, am I right? So I don't think character is too much of an issue for you.

50:51All right, here we go. There's a loud dog howl. Did you hear that? All right, it's pet friendly. You basically have dogs surrounding you on all sides. Now, the reason I picked this home for you is you're going to be very comfortable. What a home. So we see the home. It's a very modern, open floor. It's a very pretty house, actually. It's way too nice for them. It was my favorite. You don't deserve this house. It was my favorite. This is totally your style.

51:17Ben Mandelker: But also, it was like only$100 over budget. It had the room that they needed. It had the space. It was updated. It was clean. like because the thing is this they kept asking for character none of these houses said character they were all sort of actually no the second one had had some character but like this was not usually when people say character they usually want like something that's vintage that has like interesting like craft work that's put into it like handiwork or you know artisanal whatever artistry um none of these really had that um and so i thought as long as you're gonna get a generic box this is the box that you should get like it's it's only a little bit just it hits all the it hits it checks all the boxes a little far from everything else but like there's a there's an open shot case for me well this one was a bit weird because there was no fridge and they're like there's no fridge at all like where do we even put the fridge it's another one where the homes don't come have a fridge or a space for the fridge which is pretty weird and she's like well it's over what we wanted to spend now stephanie it's a hundred dollars hundred okay like come on like you'll you'll be able to save 25 a week and um lucas goes come on you ever heard of credit cards god fucking loses help me get you into a house so um they uh they walk in and then they're looking at the rooms and then there's one and lucas now nolan there's a sock on the door Nolan's like, what does that mean?

52:50Ben Mandelker: All right, we're going to pause this episode so that we can have a talk with Nolan real quickly because of Lucas, our realtor.

52:59Also, his room would have a sliding glass door in it, which they're worried, you know, that he could run away. I can guarantee you Nolan is not running away. He's not. To do anything. Okay. You'll be lucky if Nolan has people to go run away with. You should be thanking the Lord that Nolan will finally sneak out at some point. You know, I want that for Nolan. I actually look at Nolan. I'm like, God, I hope he finds some bad kids to go run around this town.

53:22Ben Mandelker: So then they're looking at some other place, another part. They're in a closet and there's carpet in the closet. So Dan's like, well, what do you think about the carpet? I mean, what if we track mud onto this carpet? He goes, yeah, it's strange to have carpet in a closet. I mean, the robot might get stuck. I'm like, if you guys don't buy this house because of a Roomba consideration, I will be furious.

53:45It's like, well, you know, that's kind of expensive. Then we have to buy a fridge. I mean, come on. And Lucas is like, oh, my God. She's already gotten ahead that Nolan's going to scheme to sneak out of the house with that sliding glass door. I mean, God, the kid's 12. I didn't stop banging chicks until I was 14. I mean, come on. What is he an early start? Have you seen the kid? It's not like this kid's going to be rocking. Don't let the door come a knocking.

54:10Ben Mandelker: I mean, come on. Although we are in the orgy capital of the world, as I previously stated, so you never know.

54:19All right. So they're like, okay, the commute time kind of sucks. Now, the husband really likes the second house. And we know what Stephanie wants. She wants to cheat. She does. And so they're like, so who's going to win here? And Dan goes, let's see who can win the stubborn battle. And Stephanie points to herself. And Lucas is like, this is going to come down to cost, distance, and smock strength.

54:45Ben Mandelker: And, of course, they chose the worst house of all, house number one, the house that has no character. But I guess they probably want to play baseball in the backyard because they're baseball obsessed. And we see them in the kitchen. They're fine. And basically, they're like, well, thankfully, there was like the toilet situation. the fact that the toilet is like in its own stall makes life a little bit easier so yeah they're generally happy i just knew they were going to choose that shitty house i knew it they did it and it kind of made sense once we saw the clip of them like what where they are now you know it's like six months later or whatever the husband still has no plan to work and i think they're using an ironing board for their dining room table it's like okay well this is this makes sense tracks.

55:31This is you guys. It tracks.

55:34Ben Mandelker: Well, anyway, thanks everyone for listening. Again, if you want to send in a suggestion, email us at watchourcrappins at gmail dot com and put dwell hello suggestion in your subject line and try to find an episode that's on HBO Max or YouTube TV and not any other paywall. Thanks so much for being here and we'll catch you on the next one. Bye. Bye everybody.

56:01This episode is sponsored by McDonald's.

56:04Ben Mandelker: I'm having my hot Caesar summer, Ronnie. Yes. Caesar sauce. I feel like we don't talk about Caesar sauce enough because it's so, so good. I love to dip everything into it. Have you ever dipped fries in Caesar sauce before? I mean, I just have. It is delicious. Caesar sauce is like a Parmesan, garlicky blend with some lemon in it. And you can dip anything in there. One thing I have been known to do is to stop over at McDonald's and go to the drive-thru and get myself a Caesar snack wrap and just dip some fries in the Caesar sauce. Also, the Krispy strips in the Caesar sauce. Honestly, try it. It's really good.

56:38Listen, I say if you put Caesar sauce on something, that automatically makes it better. Yes, that's really all you need is the Caesar sauce.

56:45Ben Mandelker: I think I just want to have just a constant supply of Caesar sauce and put it on things at all times. Yeah, I'm a straight up French fry and Caesar sauce kind of a boy. That's what I love. And that's how I'm going to go down. Right now at participating McD's, the$2.99 Caesar snack wrap is making me rethink my go-to order. Caesar sauce at participating McDonald's for a limited time. Prices and participation may vary. This is Hannah Berner, the co-host of Giggly Squad. We could all just stay in bed scrolling through other people's vacations forever, but where is the fun in that? The best memories come from stepping outside of your little bubble and being open to the unexpected.

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