Why going ‘exclusive’ doesn’t work, and other dating rules to live by

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1:43What is up? I'm Grace Beverley and welcome back to Working Hard, the podcast shape guidebook on how to improve your own life and achieve what you actually dreamed of doing. Because life's too short for boring podcasts and bad advice.

1:57what is up everyone and welcome back to working hard today is another thursday bonus episode i hope you're enjoying them let me know if you are or if you aren't or like if there's anything that you would like to particularly see for these episodes because in my opinion these are generally like a yap it could be on i don't know discussion topics it's like the way i think of it is things i would want to talk about over the dinner table with my friends and that might be like an article that might be something in pop culture whatever it might be but I would love to know from you specifically what you would like out of these episodes too as we've done a few now so that would be super useful but a couple of weeks ago on my TikTok I mentioned that I said no to my fiance when he asked to be exclusive and after this I was met with so many questions and I did a little TikTok on it but I guess I kind of speak about my attitude to dating so much with my friends but I didn't necessarily when I was dating because that would have been weird to talk about online like I'm not I don't know that would have felt very weird if I was like dating and then talking about how I date and then having the people that I would be dating watching that type of thing I also feel like every time I've talked about it on TikTok I've got loads of questions and people wanting to know more things about that type of attitude and I do think it's something that is really important to talk about because I think dating has changed so much within the last 10-20 years that we have to talk about it and we have to talk about the differences versus what it used to be because there are so many ideals that we have in our head that I don't think necessarily translate into the current world of dating and I've also never really spoken about it on this podcast so I thought we could get into that today just in a cute little bonus episode because well I guess I'm getting closer very close to my actual wedding which is very like what the fuck I can't believe I'm going to be a actual wife and going to have a husband that's the thing that really like throws me the most in my head I feel like planning for a wedding yay fun woo and then it's like oh my god I'm gonna be a wife that's crazy not that it actually makes a difference in any way but it also feels like it does make a difference I don't know anyway I feel like I've been thinking a lot about what I've learned about dating especially since some of those TikToks got a lot of questions and everything and I've also seen some really terrifying takes online recently about dating and there was that princess treatment video and I don't know I think we're over complicating some things but I also think we're not talking about other things enough so yeah I wanted to do a little episode on it.

4:13As always, this is very much my opinion. And I do feel like everyone has different opinions when it comes to dating. And I think it's important that everyone has different opinions. You might find dating really easy. You might find it doesn't impact the rest of your life at all. And then you might be someone who knows that their entire life revolves around the person they're dating at the moment or whether they're replying or whatever it might be. And so I do think it's important that wherever you stand on that scale, you have different opinions on dating based on exactly that. But really, I never think that talking about dating more and talking about our ideals and expectations and all of those types of things, I never think that can do us a disservice especially us as women especially with dating apps and so much being gamified and also women traditionally wanting to quote-unquote settle down earlier and obviously when it comes to women's timelines like if they do want to be having children all of these things I think it gives men the upper hand so much when it comes to dating that I do think there are certain things that we need to do to be able to preserve our sanity when it comes to dating but also kind of preserve our autonomy and like truly still understanding that like yes you might be more in a rush than someone else you're dating or than the demographic of the people you're dating but that doesn't mean that you need to compromise like that doesn't mean that you need to be changing yourself and trying to fit in and make things happen that actually you just shouldn't even be entertaining anyway I've highlighted three of my kind of dating hot takes I'd say that I want to go into and I would love any and all opinions on your equivalents over on the Instagram and we've also been getting loads of questions recently in our DMs about specific advice for dating so I don't know I know we're all about life improvement over on this side of the internet but I do also feel like it seems vapid to put like dating as a life improvement thing but it's really not it can be a really important part of your life and you might not want to have like one life partner you might not want to be looking for anyone to marry whatever it might be but like companionship takes up a huge amount of our life and is a very big part of our life so I don't think it should be looked down upon to be I guess part of life improvement and the types of things we're talking about on the day to day.

6:10Anyway I first want to talk about exclusivity because as I said this is something that I said no to when my fiance first asked and I didn't say no to him because I didn't like him. In fact I was very much at the point where I was clear on the fact that I did like him and I did see a future with him and having originally gone into the relationship quite soon out of a previous relationship I hadn't necessarily thought that would be where this would go. I was definitely wanting to be in my dating era. Like I just moved into an apartment on my own in London. I was very much looking forward to being like single, young world and free.

6:41And he came along pretty immediately. But then we had a few amazing dates and I definitely saw it as something that I wanted to progress with. That being said, I just don't believe in exclusivity as like a label. I believe in dating and then I believe in being boyfriend and girlfriend or girlfriend or girlfriend or boyfriend and boyfriend or however and then you know wherever you want to go from there whether you are looking for marriage or engagement or whatever it might be but I just think that this extra like exclusivity thing has been added as a rung on the ladder and I don't think it ever benefits the person who is more wanting to be in a full-blown relationship like if you are wanting to be in a full-blown relationship especially if you want to move towards engagement and marriage and those types of things it should be very clear what you want and you should be able to get what you want out of that relationship.

7:28If you want that and the other person only wants exclusivity or not even that just to be dating then it's probably not a good match. But yeah I guess as I said in my opinion there's dating and then there's being in a relationship and I feel like if you're not mature enough to quite frankly like keep your dick in your pants when you know you like someone and you're dating someone and you want that to go somewhere then I also don't think you would be mature enough to be someone I would want to be in a relationship with. So I guess that's what that kind of saying no to exclusivity thing meant. When I spoke to my fiance about it after, because I don't want this to come across at all, like I didn't want to be with him.

8:01I absolutely did. I just said that we were too early in our kind of dating to put any sort of label on it. But if we wanted that to be the case down the line, then we should just be able to act accordingly. Like you don't need a label of exclusivity to go back to New York in his case and not sleep with everyone. If you want to go back to New York and sleep with everyone then do that whether we have a label on it or not but just adding that exclusivity label shouldn't be the difference between you acting like you like me and you acting like you're not intentional about this relationship if that makes sense so don't get me wrong I believe that communication is very important and I believe that in that moment what he was trying to do is communicate that he saw this seriously and he wanted a future of this relationship but we weren't quite yet ready to be in a full-blown relationship as it had only been a few dates which I totally agreed with and what he was trying to do was basically say I'm about to go back to New York where he lived at the time and I would like to I guess put some intentionality behind this and put a label on it so we're clear that we're going in this direction and what I said to him when we were talking about it is I was like it's not that I don't want to go in that direction I absolutely do but I don't think we need to say we're exclusive and have this exclusive label in order to act like that I do think a lot of the time nowadays especially when this like exclusive thing has been added I do think you know it's a perfect example of how shows like Love Island really bleed into the public kind of well they inform how people act and I think one of the ways it's done that recently is by adding like exclusivity on before you're at relationship stage and I just think that obviously that's more appropriate in Love Island because the whole thing is a game so you are putting exclusivity on it because people might come in and the name of the game is to get to know people and all of that whereas in the outside world dating someone you don't need to have exclusivity on it in order to act like you like that person and you want a future with that person like if you like someone and you want a future with that person why would you be sleeping around like why would you be going around and doing this that and the other the difference between having an exclusive label and not shouldn't make that difference and I do really think that especially with this kind of extra rung on the ladder I think that exclusive labels have become an excuse for generally and this is making a generalization but generally for men to get the girlfriend treatment without committing to a full relationship.

10:16So it's like giving the full experience of having a girlfriend, but without necessarily needing to intentionally say, I see a future with you. I would like to be in this type of relationship with you because that rungs too far along the way. It's like, I don't want you seeing other people, but I don't like you enough to make this a relationship. I think the only exception to that is like the type of scenario that me and my fiance was in where it was just too early. So like the exclusive one would just be like locking it in early versus like someone down the line when you've been dating someone for three months you don't need to be putting a fucking exclusive label on it they either want a relationship or they don't want a relationship and I think so much of the time that's just pushed it down the line over and over and over but yeah as I said obviously I do feel like it's different on reality shows when it's gamified but I do think we are seeing this gamification of dating in real life and we all need to or certain people definitely need to grow up a bit when it comes to labels and as I said if you like me and we are aligned on the type of relationship we want you should be able to act accordingly whether we are at that stage yet or not.

11:15I don't know I feel like it's so hard when all these like dating rules change and then suddenly this stuff is just like added in and you're like oh okay this there's this exclusive label and it's like you can just reject that. I think so much of my life I try to be like the cool girl when it comes to dating and I don't think that ever ever ever got me what I wanted other than to be walked all over and to have the perception that I was a cool girl and like that doesn't actually count for much at all and I think that a lot of the time when these new kind of labels or rules are introduced then we kind of sometimes just like take it on the chin and we're just like oh okay well I guess that's this new thing and you can just reject things like you can very much just be like no that doesn't serve me I'm not interested in that type of thing and I do think that I mean I got into the relationship that I'm now engaged in relatively young in my opinion for some people that would be quite late at like 25 26 but I think that now I've met the person I would want to be with my approach to dating would be very different because I know what I can ask for because I've been given what I would ask for whereas before I felt over and over and over again like I had to compromise what I was asking for in order to not be perceived I don't know too needy or too bossy or too I don't know whatever the fuck people like to put labels on um but I do think one of the best things you can do in dating is truly just own what you actually want like get clear on what you actually want own it and if they aren't going to give that to you then move on anyway on to the next one as I was collecting my thoughts on all of this.

12:36As I said, I was getting thinking about my other rules of dating and I remembered a DM we got on the podcast Instagram the other day which basically asked if I could speak more about the high effort versus low effort people theory that I discussed with Adria and Adamey in the episode about decision making and I think this kind of links to all of this and it actually is one of my biggest pieces of dating advice that I wish I'd known earlier and the only reason I have this piece of a dating advice is because I've now been given it. Like as in I've now I now experience this I am a high effort person with a high effort person whereas before I definitely had the assumption that most men were low effort people just because they generally did fewer gestures or thought about fewer things or whatever it might be and that's I actually have just realized that there are lots of high effort men who do exist and I was probably just dating the wrong people but to explain I swear by the rule that high effort people should be with high effort people and low effort people should be with low effort people to be clear I am not saying that either one is right or wrong at all.

13:33I think that different people have different tendencies and get excited about different things and have different focuses or whatever it might be. But so often problems in relationships come from you having different expectations of what your partnership could look like and should look like. And also like where you meet your partner. It might be that you meet them at a really high effort level and they constantly meet you at a low effort level again and again and again. And you're constantly just going to feel not loved because of that on the other side if you're a low effort person and you're really happy being a low effort person you're just a very chill person there is absolutely nothing wrong with that but if you're with a high effort person you're also going to constantly feel like you are letting that person down and you are falling short of where you should be and you are not meeting their needs and you are probably not and that is just as damaging on both sides so I do really really really believe in the fact that high effort people should be with high effort people and low effort people should be with low effort people.

14:28I also think that there are some people that are kind of slap bang in the middle and probably you might have someone that leans on one side, leans on the other side. That's fine. As long as you are putting effort into making sure you are meeting your partner's needs and they are putting effort into meeting your needs. But I just think if you're on one side of the spectrum, you are never going to feel loved in the way you want to feel loved. If they are super high effort and you are super low effort or the other way around. So to explain a bit further, if the way you show love is by putting huge amounts of effort into a relationship, whether that is homemade cards or cute date nights or remembering a little thing they mentioned one time and picking it up for them and on the way home, whatever it might be, you are never going to feel loved by someone who doesn't show love in the same way.

15:04So it might be that someone else shows love by just being there and being emotional support, whatever it might be. And they would never, ever, ever do a kind of big gesture or a small thoughtful gesture or whatever. It's just not the way their brain works. I truly believe you are never going to feel truly, truly loved and understood by that person. You know, we say that like to be loved is to be seen. And I think that there is not a lot that can't be fixed by someone understanding the way that you receive love and being able to beat that. I don't know, it might just be a little thing. Like, for example, the other day, I had like the shittest few days, like I had loads and loads of bad news in a row.

15:42And I just felt like I could not cop a break. The next day, I was just at home. And my fiance went out to the gym. And when he came back from the gym, he called me and told me to look out the window. And he was just out there like holding some flowers and it was just really really cute like that probably cost him five quid but actually it was just the I'm thinking of you I understand that you're sad I want to put a little bit of happiness into your day and that's exactly how I am in a relationship too so I deserve to have someone who is the exact same and I think for so long I just assumed that that was always going to be the role of the woman like not because it should be but because it naturally is like it's naturally just I guess a default that women make more effort and think about more things and that is a generalization don't get me wrong I know it's a generalization because I would actually say in my relationship it's probably the other way around like I have someone who is such a high effort person and I'm so so grateful and lucky for that I just always assumed that I was asking too much and I just want to say if you feel like you're asking too much you are not if you bring that energy to a relationship you should receive that in a relationship and if you are with someone and they are not making the effort to do that and to show interest in the things you love and to show that they are thinking about you in the way that you show you're thinking about them or to know that actually do you know what I really do care about you making a big deal about my birthday and like it means a lot to me and them just being like oh but it's just a birthday grow up whatever it might be you're never gonna feel loved in the way you need to feel loved and just remembering that also like when we're young with like zero dependence and all of these different things that's probably the best it's ever gonna be when it comes to those things so it's just gonna go downhill from there when it comes to like just being able to concentrate on each other so if the effort isn't even there at that point then when is that gonna grow and if they don't truly make an effort for them for that to grow then it's not right and I do want to caveat this by saying you can have different love languages but you do need to want to put the same amount of effort into meeting each other's needs within those love languages otherwise it's never gonna work like if you have a man that over and over and over again just says like acts of service are my love language acts of service are my life language okay well they're mine you're in a relationship with me.

17:47So make that work because I would do it if it was the other way around. And if you're constantly thinking over and over again, if this was the other way around, it would not be like that. Then it is unfair and it is a mismatch. The market's uncertain. Revenue's tied and hiring on hold. That's why results driven companies are using Upwork to keep work moving. Go to upwork.com today and start hiring proven freelance talent fast. No bulky overhead, No rigid long-term contracts. Just the right expert right when you need them. Work smarter and faster with Upwork. Go to Upwork.com now and find your freelance expert.

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19:04On to my third hot take. I believe that your partner should make most areas of your life at least two times better. So this all goes back to something that I was saying with Sarah Ashcroft in my first ever episode with her months ago. She was talking about her breakup and healing. And we talked about how life should be at least two times better with your partner. So I'm going to play you that clip now. Your life in a relationship should be at least two times better. Yes. Like categorically, it should be two times better. And if it is not, you shouldn't be together. 100%. Like you should be questioning that.

19:34And I mean that in every single sense. Like, of course, it's not always going to be financially two times better. it's not always going to be like emotionally or like companionship wise or like future wise or like I don't know but it should be at least a few of those things two times better yes and like I feel like that's quite a good thermostat for being like do you know what it's actually like I'm carrying a lot of the weight emotionally I'm carrying a lot of the weight financially or like whatever it might be it's like it should be two times better yeah honestly I feel like there's a lot of people out there that need to hear that exact thing well good yeah here you go because Because it's so true.

20:09Like if you're not feeling happier, what are you doing? I do want to say it's not always going to be the case. Like your partner cannot make your life two times better in all different fronts. And I am a big, big, big believer that you should be making your life better as well. Like you should not just be waiting for a partner to come along and make your life better. That is not how it works. But your partner should the majority of the time make your life easier, more comfortable, less complicated and better. because there is a lot of compromise that comes from being in a relationship. And of course, there is a lot of joy as well.

20:42Like there is so much joy, but we cannot be settling for companionship alone. I think on top of this, women make men's lives on average so much easier. Again, a generalization. We have to generalize while talking about things like this, so don't get pressed. We know statistically that women, when they get into relationships, even with zero dependence take on hours of extra unpaid work a week so that is probably in things like doing more housework or doing more of the admin whatever it might be we know that statistically it is true that women make men's life easier and they take work off them so why the fuck are you with your partner if they are not making some areas of your life at least two times better like imagine how fucking easy if you went into a relationship and then they just suddenly did all the housework for you and suddenly did all of the laundry and I don't think that's the case for most relationships either side at the moment but if that is the case where are they making your life that much better like genuinely I think this is so important we don't ask this enough I think a lot of the time we expect a grand total of just like companionship and being fun and being nice and supportive from boys sometimes we don't even expect that and I think that we need to get expecting far more in terms of how to decomplicate your life when being in a relationship like if they do not make your life easier in a lot of different ways then what is the point and I mean like easier can be that you feel less lonely and you feel happier and you're you feel lighter or whatever it might be it doesn't have to be just like financial it doesn't have to be just when it comes to admin or whatever it might be but it does have to be somewhere and I think we as a general public have maybe not expected that for a long time perhaps as a move on from the fact that in the 1980s you couldn't even have a bank account as a woman without a man's name on it without being married or it being your dad or whatever it might be so since that point we've maybe just accepted the type the caliber of man and what they would be doing for you at that level whilst actually we as women have started earning more and more and doing more and more on all different fronts and actually not had a drastic decrease in the amount of caregiving and housework we're doing statistically and I think we've kind of accepted the caliber that we would have accepted back in the 1980s and I am not for that and as I said this is not always going to be the case your life is not always going to be two times better and shit happens that is out of your control that can make life tricky and it is so important to be a supportive partner in lots of different senses your partner might lose their job your partner might get ill whatever it might be it's not about them always making your life so much easier but if you are making their life a lot easier why the fuck should they not be making your life a lot easier and I don't think we think about that enough when it comes to what men bring to relationships so I do truly stand on business and believe that if the factors that are in your control are not making your life two times better or at least making your life a lot easier and less complicated then I personally think I would seriously consider whether that relationship was right for me and I think this is the first relationship where I have truly truly been able to say do you know what yes absolutely this person is making my life so much easier and less complicated and of course all of the other things like more joyous and more fun and more comfortable but I don't think we think about this enough and I think we should because I think it would discount a lot of people when it comes to dating then just a final reminder that I give to all of my friends who are dating and that we circulate around the friend group over and over again.

24:15Do not forget that you are the prize. I know when you're single, you know, this idea of focusing on yourself is like the most annoying advice. But genuinely, self-love is the most attractive thing you can have. And actually, there was this really good piece of advice that was said on this podcast. I think it was by Michelle Ellman. And I won't say it exactly right. But she basically said something along the lines of you should be able to write like a full page of what you bring to a relationship as well as what you want someone else to bring to a relationship you can definitely do that about yourself because i know your friends can do that about you and you should go into every dating experience and every relationship knowing that because trust me i know there's like so much shit online that's like you know women need to lower their standards and they need to stop expecting blah blah blah i do think in certain areas like i don't think if you're 18 you should be expecting a boy to be taking you out for like a 100 pound meal for your first date or whatever it might be i do think we have lots of expectations when it comes to that that we've like glorified on social media but there is absolutely nothing to say that you should not go into every single dating experience knowing at least a full a4 sheet of things you could say about yourself that you'll bring into a relationship where someone would be lucky to have you and it is the case so don't say it's not the case and if you don't believe it is the case then you probably need to write them down more than anyone but a good reason to do this as well is because the right person you're with will also agree with all of those things and probably be able to absolutely double that list one of my favorite sayings when it comes to relationships relationships aren't 50 50 they're when both people are trying to be 60 % and I believe in that strongly and I think linked to that is I can't remember who it was I think it was like an Alain de Botton thing and he it was something along the lines of the most successful relationships are always the ones where both people think they are the lucky one and I think that only works when it comes from a place of self-love because you know everything you bring and you still think you are punching in some areas and I absolutely do and I would encourage you to only be in a relationship if you believe that you are punching in a number of areas and those areas do not need to be looks or financial or whatever it might be those areas can also be in terms of how much someone supports you in terms of how much someone offers advice in terms of how patient someone is all of these different things those can be those traits we don't always need to focus on looks and finances and all of those things that we focus on online but we do need to know that in every relationship we are genuinely with someone we believe we are punching with in a number of different areas and they should feel the same about you and you should know they feel the same about you and if you don't then they're probably not making that clear enough to you either but at the end of the day remember you are the prize do not chase if you have to chase for him he is not your guy if you have to play games for him he is not your guy anyway that is all we have time for and i did not expect to get so enthusiastically impassioned as you can tell this is a topic that like me and my friends talk about a lot and i feel very strongly about and i feel like I made so many mistakes in my early 20s just because I so like it was one of the things that I just wanted so much and I acted a fool in some scenarios and I just think that fuck that like you are the prize you should know exactly what you want you should know that you are going to wait to be able to get it and don't make anyone make you rush or compromise or settle because you are too good for that anyway I hope if you're single or even actually very much if you're in a relationship that this was an interesting listen and I will see you on Monday for another episode as always if you have any questions dilemmas or anything you want me to speak about in these bonus episodes just let me know by dming at working hard pod on instagram and I will see you over there

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