Begin Again Moments: The Secret to Confidence | Susie Moore & Eleanor Mills

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0:30Davina McCall:When people are afraid of telling their opinion because it might upset someone, what's that about and how can you stop doing that? How can you be more, I'm just going to say how I feel and how you deal with it is up to you. But it's easy to say that, for me to say that. I find it incredibly hard to be strongly assertive against an idea or say something that I mean to say that might hurt someone's feelings without, I don't know. So I have an opinion, you disagree, I'm scared to tell you because you won't like it, essentially. When we hold back, sometimes we lie, right? Sometimes we just completely abandon ourselves, right?

1:09In pursuit of just the peace of this relationship. Sometimes we actually even will abandon an idea or we won't go for it because this person won't like it or this person says that's bad. You see people do this in so many different ways. is when we behave or think or speak a certain way to keep the peace or because I don't want to disappoint that person, we're actually not treating that person with any respect because we're thinking, you're weak, you can't handle it, I'm strong, so I'll just do what I have to do because I can't trust you to be okay. We can let people be disappointed. We can let people not like our decisions.

1:51and that is actually an equal relationship the same way they can do it to us and what happens

1:58Davina McCall:if say because i i know a couple of people who also get very um they hate the idea that someone won't like them well what is that right like think about it so uh okay number one this is so it's so funny imagine if you go and you speak in front of a thousand people there are a thousand opinions of you right there is something like you're the best ever Someone else was like, that was so boring. Same with a movie, same with a restaurant. Someone was like, best. And I'm like, total crap. So number one, this is back to controlling. Like you can't make anyone love you. No matter how much you play up to them, that can take a while to learn in life.

2:37But if I'm just super sweet, but if I'm extra smart, but if I'm funnier, or what if I'm thinner? You can't make anybody love you. And if your focus is, will she like me? Will he like me? whether it's an intimate relationship or social media, or maybe you have a certain level of influence in the world. Oh boy. I mean, it's almost funny that we think that there is any modicum of control that we have over someone's response or someone's warmth towards us or the opposite. So when we are in our integrity, and I use this word a lot because, I mean, it sounds like formal and legal almost. It's not ethics.

3:16It's really the origin of the word integrity just means to be whole. You're inside and you're outside. It's really just to be whole, to be the real you. Then when you know that you're just doing that peacefully, not proving anything, I think the need to be liked just kind of diminishes on its own. Your intentions are good. you're living your life your way I mean look at it how many ways can you live your life think about all the places you can live the careers you can there's never gonna people I mean in some parts of the world if you're homosexual you'll be killed I mean the world isn't this place where this is the way to be liked yes it it doesn't even make any sense so I think if I'm trying to make someone like me in a particular moment I think that I just need a bit more self-love that day or I need to speak more kindly to myself or I need a good old dose of perspective.

4:11Davina McCall:Yeah so what you're saying is self-love because if you are trying to make someone like you you're not going to be yourself and then you're not going to like yourself because you're not being true to your. Yeah congratulations you're all these girls like you now and it's not really you it's like. Yeah they like someone else. Exactly and then that's you for the rest of your relationship with yeah awesome enjoy enjoy yourselves yeah you know it's it's and i think that when we pause and think about it but most people we don't pause and think about it we just think oh this is the way to survive or this is the way to be cool or this is the way to make money there are plenty there are lots of paths and when we abandon ourselves even if it looks good on the outside like uh you know it's it's choosing between almost authenticity or belonging i mean this is a brilliant one for school yeah you know at school when you're just trying to be in with the cool kids oh yes you know you change everything about yourself but you end up thinking who am i like i don't know what's going on but you belong yeah oh maybe you will look you do yeah but for how long yeah and being who and wearing what and saying what and laughing it's exhausting yeah okay I mean, who can keep it up for long?

5:16So when you can choose this authenticity, I think slowly. It can happen one degree at a time. One small degree. It's not like, today I'm going to be myself. It's just small. It's saying no when you mean no. Lovingly, you know. Saying yes to the things that really ignite some curiosity in you.

5:36Davina McCall:This segment was sponsored by Garnier. Oh, my God. Oh, lady, over there. Hi. What's your name? Shoshana. Shoshana. We've got a colleague at work, Emma, who wants to have her hair colored. I'm trying to find somebody to come with me to come and color her hair with some Garnier Nutrice at work. Yeah, why not? Would you really? Follow me, follow me. So this is the Begin Again Studio. And this is Emma! Shoshana seemed really confident. She has colored her friend's hair and stuff before. You've got to put this one into here and shake to activate the color. Shake it like a Polaroid picture.

6:15Davina McCall:Already the colour's lovely. The shade that we are doing on Emma is Mocha Brown, which is my shade. Mine. I own this. I don't. There are actually 35 shades to choose from. It's got fruit oils in it. They are what nourishes it. Emma, you're very lucky. You have no grey hairs. But Garnier Nutrice, the permanent colour's got 100 % grey coverage. I can vouch for that. That is it. Oh, wow. Okay. It's easier to do it yourself. Do you see what you mean? Is that easier than you thought? Very easy. Just like putting like hair oil in. Yeah. It's like so easy. Time to go. Go Emma! Oh my god. It looks great.

6:56Davina McCall:Oh my god. I'm not being funny. You've done a great job. Look at that. Look at that. Can we just discuss the shine? That's amazing. Are you pleased with it? Do you like it? Love, love, love, love, love. How confident are you now out of 10? Oh, 10 out of 10. that was a lot simpler than I thought I'm so pleased we did a thing trusting us you guys have done amazing and thank you Garnier and you trees love you

7:29one of the big things I say in the book is about saying yes to joy and so one of the things I did but I wasn't having to slog into like the Sunday Times all the time is I started swimming every day in the Hampstead Ladies Pond all the way through the winter and just doing lots of things that made me feel good and through that and what I say to and I now run lots of circles for my Queen Ages.

7:54Davina McCall:I saw that but with Noon. With Noon. If you go on to Noon you can actually find a circle. So you can find a circle near you. We started doing it just in Soho. I started sending out this Queen Age newsletter and you know what it's like to begin with you know you have a few hundred then you have a few thousand and then it really kind of gathered pace and I started just doing it in this flat in Soho that I borrowed and it got too big for that and now we've got chapters all over the place which is really exciting. I love that chapters like Hell's Angels. Yeah like Hell's Angels, Hell's Queen Ages.

8:22Hell's Queen Ages you're gonna have to get some leather jackets or something made up. We got some tote bags saying join the Queen Age of Revolution and what you see what's so amazing about the Noon Circle is just the sense of that we're all in this and one of the things we say in the noon circle is the say yes to joy and I think that actually following your joy following doing the things that you love it are the stepping stones you were saying how did you set up this business well I think following those pebbles of the things that really make you happy are the route to a kind of a successful life a truly successful life a resonant life a life that matches on the outside how you feel on the inside and I think for a lot of women And that's not the case.

9:06It's one of the things I talk about in the book. In fact, when I was, after I left the Sunday, after I was made redundant, I went to Jamaica with my friend Decker. And I was lying and I was feeling really terrible. It was in the really early bit. And we went and we swam out around this boat in the bay. And a woman popped her head over the top of the boat and was like, you know, oh, who are you? Come aboard. So we were sitting there. It was about 11 in the morning. We were sitting there with a beer. And Nancy told us her story. and she was sailing around the Caribbean on kind of quite a funny, grossy little boat, which she'd bought with her friend.

9:39They'd got it for 20 ,000 bucks from some marina in Puerto Rico. And she talked about living a resonant life and how the life that she'd had as a kind of suburban woman in Chicago had really not been her. But this adventurous life, living like a pirate, kind of from day to day, sailing around the Caribbean. She was in her late 50s. She suddenly felt who she was really supposed to be. and that really lit a spark in me I was like wow and that was the first time that I actually spoke aloud my kind of plan for noon and this kind of how we could create a community that would help other women to live a resonant life with their truthiest kind of truth on show