Love Is Blind’s Kelly Chase Reveals the Altar Moment That Never Aired

0:00Hey, raise your hand if you want love, money, and happiness. Anybody's hands? Okay, yes, we all do. But here's the thing. When it comes to moving toward those things, the first thing we need to choose is not more money or somebody else or something that we think will make us happy. The first thing that we need to choose is ourselves. And that's what most people miss. And my friends, you are in for a treat because today's guest is Kelly Chase. You probably know her from season one of Love is Blind. But I have to tell you, she has so much more to offer. That's just one chapter of her life. When it comes to entrepreneurship, finance, health, she is the person you need to know.

0:38And she is changing the lives of thousands of people all around the world with her incredible message. For the big swings we want in life, we often look outside of ourselves. But this episode is all about what you need to do within yourself to become the person you need to be to take those big swings and make those big swings. This is the story of Kelly Chase. Welcome to Big Swings Only. This episode is brought to you by Granola and Quint. If meetings are eating up your day, Granola is a no-brainer. You can try it totally free for three months. Just head to granola.ai slash kwami. That's granola.ai slash kwami to get your time back.

1:19Three months free at granola.ai slash kwami. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK, too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was me. That's the best way to support the show. The goal with this pod, feel free to be 100 percent yourself. You know, so Simone has been telling me for the last, you know, I don't know, 27 years. Hey, Kwame, we get you're smart. You sound really bookish right now. Why don't you act like yourself on your own podcast?

2:01And so I am aspiring to be more fun, which is funny because like once he would tell me, like once the camera goes off, then I just vibing with people. He's like, why don't you act like that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hear you so much. I resonate very, very much on that. It's so funny because my, like, I get, you know, I receive feedback from my friends, right, that I've been listening for my whole life too. And they're like, Kelly, you're so serious. Like, all of your posts are so serious on Instagram. Like, but that's not all, you're not always so serious. You're, like, actually kind of funny. And you're, like, you're silly.

2:38And they're like, we want to see more of, like, your personality. Like, I got you. you know okay let's vibe on this for a minute because it's really interesting because i've noticed this with a lot of accomplished people where you they they kind of i know for me at least i was saying how do i act like a lawyer how do i act like a negotiation expert when rather than just saying hey i'm kwame and i have to know a lot about law and negotiation and and whatnot What for you, what was what was the disconnect between the way you were presenting and the authentic self that your friends see? Perfectionism.

3:18I never thought that I was really like I'm not a perfectionist. I'm really not. I don't care how things like I am very much like I would rather show up with no makeup on because the message is coming through to me. Right. Right. But even in that moment of when the message comes through to me, it's like I there's like this perfectionism that comes through where I'm like, oh, I have to sound like an expert, even though I look disheveled right now. Like there's like I don't my I don't know if I want to say like my ego and my higher self have like battled each other. it's like the ego wants to keep me stuck in this like perfectionism if you've got to show up perfect or no one will like take you seriously or whatever but then it's like my higher self's like fuck it i don't care like i'm just like i have a message right now to share it's 12 like literally even last night like i don't have much of an attachment or as much of an attachment like on tiktok as i do on instagram but i'll post something in like five minutes later i'm like oh who liked it who looked at it I'm like did they like it was it received well you know and it's like so crazy but like last night I'm literally 11 o 'clock at night and I was like oh I feel like saying something on my TikTok I'm literally in my bed in my pajamas no makeup looking crazy and I just I was like oh my god like I feel like I'm having like pillow talk with my strangers on the internet like it felt like it felt so good and I feel like again I think because I've grown such like an attachment with my community on Instagram, there's this, it does get exhausting though, of like feeling like you have to like, let's just put it this way.

5:02I've been working with a psychologist for the last, I don't know, four months, I guess, four and a half months. And she was like, one of our various first sessions, she was like, Kelly, you have no problem being visible. You create the most content that I have ever seen anybody create. You are constantly posting stuff on your Instagram stories, on your feed. She's like, but some of it, and I'm not going to say all because I know that some authentically does come through. She said, but some of it is very performing visibility versus authentic visibility. And I was like, huh. She was like, because, and that's where I think what I'm saying as far as like the perfectionism come in.

5:44Like I'm performing like as what you, even what you were just saying, And it's like, oh, I'm like this expert. I'm this authority figure, like whatever. And I'm coming from like an expert position versus like, I'm just, I'm just Kelly. This is what I've learned. This is what I know. Take it or leave it, you know? So, yeah, I think that there's just been like, there's just been an interesting thing. So me coming home to myself, I mean, this psychologist has had me doing a lot of like nervous system work regulation. and it's that's a process because you don't think that these things they're you can't necessarily feel them like make massive shifts within you but then you like notice how you start showing up differently and caring less about things or whatever and then it's like over time you start seeing this like subtle change and subtle shift and I feel like you know the more regulated that we are, the more coming home to yourself that you are too, because you're not constantly in this like fight or flight, like, am I good enough?

6:47Who's going to like my stuff? It's just crazy. But yeah, I mean, I think it's, you know, coming home to yourself is just being super in right relationship with yourself and right relationship with God. If you have, you know, you believe in God. My spiritual journey has definitely been an interesting one over the last few years and even more so in the last like year and a half. Yeah, it's just been really fascinating. Probably do like a 10 hour podcast on my life. Well, this is this is a great opportunity to get at least 10 % of the way there.

7:24This is a great answer because I feel the same way. And it's so interesting because from the outside looking in, people see you as the celebrity with a bunch of followers and everything. And a lot of folks would be surprised to see that you still struggle with this. I still struggle with this. I haven't found anybody or yeah, I think most of the people that I talk to struggle with this in some capacity. This is one of those things. This is Kwame being Kwame. We'll see. Watch me get a review specifically addressing this, but we'll see. It's all data. It would be really helpful to be a psychopath or a narcissist, wouldn't it be nice to just like not care?

8:03Just like that shred of it. I agree, yes. To not care at all about what people think. I look at them and I'm like, you're evil, but you must feel pretty good day to day with the fact that you just simply don't care. And it's tough though, because going back to the body work too, because it's not just doing what needs to be done because we're still showing up online. It's that you see that comment and then you like you feel that response. Like somebody is threatening your safety. It's like, oh, I know this is a comment from somebody who probably can't read.

8:45And they're criticizing this psychology. But it hurts my feelings. Why are my feelings hurt? And so but again, it's just noticing that and then trying to figure out what it is inside that you need to fill to get that self-validation. So you're getting that self-worth, self-efficacy from a more stable source. So for me, I try to think about all of those, like getting that body knowledge. I think it's interoception, the ability to recognize what your body's feeling. Notice that and then say, all right, what is this telling me about myself and the situation? then what can I do right now to make things a little bit better?

9:23And then as you start chipping away at it over time, things start to change. Yes, absolutely. Yep. That's it. I mean, awareness is key to everything, you know? So having this subconscious, you know, mindset wise understanding, bringing awareness to like your limiting beliefs and fears and all of that. But also it's like a deeper than the subconscious. What I've learned is the somatic, as you were just saying, like the somatic body and nervous system, it's like, okay, what does your body do in these moments because like a lot of us and this is kind of what why I am working with this psychologist was because I was like you know my reality doesn't look much different than like I feel like my in my mind I'm like light years ahead of where my reality is because I've done like the subconscious work and I've done nervous system work here and there but just not at a consistent basis and she was like yeah you know a lot she said but your body is still holding the patterns of the past.

10:17You haven't done that deeper work. And I'm like, Jesus Christ, I feel like I'm always working on myself. Can I just like marry pop and snap a finger and everything? I know. I know. Like when is this process done? You know, like at that point, where can we, when we're like floating on our lotus leaves just in peace, that's what I'm waiting for. But it's funny. Every level creates a new challenge too. Every change creates a new challenge. And a lot of times I say, oh, cool, I got it. And then something happens. And it's not even a bad thing. People don't talk about this enough. The things like grief that are associated with success.

11:01Because there's a part of your life that has to die as you go to the next level. So how do I deal with this? And so you have to, it's two things. You have to acquire the knowledge to know what to do and then actually do the thing with consistency. And sometimes when you're in this space of self-help, coaching, leadership, that type of stuff, we can almost take for granted what we know and the knowledge that we've acquired. I'll give an example. I was on a podcast. I was on Mel Robbins' podcast. And, yeah, and it got a lot of play. Little fun thing. Little aside. Completely irrelevant being me.

11:38and I'm not I'm off topic now this is cool this is authentic which is vibing um there was I got this message on I got this message on LinkedIn from somebody or comment and it was under one of the the viral posts with with Mel and it was me explaining my framework compassionate curiosity for navigating conversations internal negotiations with yourself external negotiations with other people. And they said, and they meant it as a compliment. I'm taking it as a compliment, but it's just funny. They said, man, I've been following Kwame for years, but it wasn't until I heard him explain compassionate curiosity on the Mel Robbins podcast that I decided to try it and it worked.

12:20This is life-changing. I'm like, so you needed Mel Robbins to just be pleasant? Like that's what it takes. Right, right. Exactly. Let me just like stand next to a celebrity next time I say something smart for people to latch on. It's so crazy. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's so funny. It is. Yeah. But there was a guy who sent me a message and I was talking about emotional intelligence, managing your emotions. And he said, this is mind blowing to me because I didn't know that I could control my emotions. I just thought that I felt the way that I felt. And then I would act based on those feelings. I didn't know that I had a choice.

12:55I didn't know there was a process. This is, I just did not know that. And again, it's an example of we can learn these things and we take it for granted, but you have to be, you have to be introduced to it at some point. So for you on, on your journey, when did you start going on this journey of self-improvement? Like, how did you get access to this information initially? Yeah. So I would say there were like two main events that happened. So the very first thing, this was like in 2017, a colleague of mine at a former job that I was working, two scenarios happened. One, this guy that I worked with, he brought in this book and he was like, I want to give my wife this book, but can you tell me if this would be insulting to give her?

13:48whole strong story so he asked me to like read it so or like read some of it right and i'm like okay like i don't read like i mean i do now but like i did not at the time i'm like dude i'd have like close notes in high school like i don't love reading but anyways it was the life-changing magic of tidying up the book by marie kondo oh okay yeah yeah just a netflix special whatever now um but anyway so i read the book and i was like okay for me i loved it like i was like okay it's not just like clearing out the physical space. It is actually creating space in your mind. Like it is such like a actual self, like a personal, it's a self-help book more or less.

14:27Um, but I went back to him and I was like, I think you're giving this to your wife because she's messy. So yeah, it would probably be insulting for her, but also I think it would, it's a great book. Also a great book. Um, but then maybe like within like a month or so later, I posted some picture on Instagram and it was a literally a like a stock photo it wasn't a picture of me um of a girl in a red canoe in like bamf british columbia like in the emerald lake or whatever and i don't know i was just like i want to be where this girl is right now yeah yeah and this like and my my instagram has been public for a long time because i had started my chase life with kelly page in 2013 so um anyways it's like this guy likes the picture whatever and I just I was like okay most of the time it's just like my friends looking at stuff or I was a trainer for an all like an all audio based fitness app for a while and so it was just like I knew the people that were following me let's put out but like this guy did and anyways I like looked at his like Instagram and I was like oh one he's very attractive two he um went to the same health coaching school that I did.

15:42Like it was in his bio. And I was like, oh, and so I just like started like looking at things and then more intently following him and stuff. And he was like, you know, putting up, you know, images of personal development books or sharing it in his stories or like meditations and stuff. And I was like, okay, who is this hot man doing things that no hot man in Atlanta is doing? Like no guy that I hang out with is talking about this stuff. So we connected, we wound up, but we actually, we're still friends to this day. But he and I, I was like, oh my God, like he introduced me to these books, these personal development books.

16:20And so that was kind of like the next layer of that first initial like thing that got me into the personal self-love space. So, I mean, I read a handful of books, but you know, The Miracle Morning was one of them. And I still, for the most part, practice the concept in that book to this day. And I read it nine years ago, nine years ago. Wow. It was so powerful. So, and I teach that like with my students too. But then after Love is Blind aired, or not after it aired, after we got done filming Love is Blind, I had worked right before we started filming, I was a part of a mastermind. And because I was like 2018, like I had left my first corporate or my second corporate job at the time.

17:08And I was like, I'm just pursuing this like health and fitness coaching, all of that. And again, it was like all personal development. Everyone like I stopped. I like three, like what is it? 180 in my life more or less during this time. Because I left corporate. I used to be the girl that was like going out and hanging out and drinking with my friends every Thursday, Friday, Saturday, sometimes Saturday. day. Very disconnected from myself, you know? And anyways, like people, like even my parents are like, it's a Friday night. They're like, Kelly, what are you doing? Like who are you going to hang out with?

17:40And I'm like, I'm not, I'm reading a book or I'm listening to a podcast. And they're like, are you okay? I'm like, are you like depressed? And I'm like, oh, I just don't want to do that right now. I don't want to do it anymore. So yeah. So, and then I found this group on Facebook and I was like, oh, I'm just going to sign up to be a part of this mastermind. So I did. And it was great. The woman had like a handful of co-coaches within her program. And one of the coaches, I actually wound up hiring as my one-on-one mentor right after, like about three weeks after we got done filming Love is Blind.

18:12I just love what she was talking about. It was all the subconscious work and like feminine and masculine energy and money mindset. And I was like, I've never heard this language before. Like I don't get it, but something is like awakening inside of me um and at the time I mean three weeks out from the filming I was just not in a great headspace um just so much I mean it's like you're submerged in such an intense container for nearly eight weeks and it is gone everything is gone yeah in like a matter of a minute you know and it's like even the people that you know all the couples we all went to the altar and everything i think we were so like traumatized in our own sense that we didn't trauma bond together like we are now i think but like we didn't like it was just so very isolated we didn't reach out to each other really i mean maybe here and there but like i think we all just were like what the fuck just happened happening two of the couples got married they're still married to this day i don't know there was just like so much and i felt heartbroken like what you see on tv is not the reality of what really happened.

19:21And so I was just not in a good space. And anyway, so, but I always say like this love is blind experience was like the catalyst to like my greater like self-love journey. Because I, when I started working with this woman, I worked with her for like four or five months. I've worked with her over the years since then. That was 2018, 19. She, she got breathwork certified. And like, as she was going through her like facilitator course or whatever certification program she was like hey do you want to like be one of my like guinea pig you know so i can get my credit hours whatever i was like yeah sure i was like she lived in san diego we did this virtually i have never experienced something i mean i've experienced it since then because i've done breath work many times since then but like this like tri-active breath work i was like holy shit like i was crying as if someone died in front of my eyes.

20:18So much grief coming up for me. And I was just like, oh my God, like this is crazy. I was sweating, but I was freezing at the same time. Like it was just, it was a rad experience. But like I felt lighter and that was the whole thing. Like, I mean, you don't have to do that type of thing to like do nervous system work, but that is a nervous system technique and somatic. And my body was just holding on to so much and I just let it all go. And it was, it was wild. It was wild experience. And yeah. So I think just that was the second like wave of everything that just went really deep. And I just, ever since then, I was like, I, I love having mentors.

20:57I love having someone in my back pocket. Um, I think between this girl, Erin and this other girl, Maddie, Maddie was a, um, I found her after we filmed like a year after we filmed love is blind. She had me on her podcast and it was funny cause it was like a lot about like manifestation and whatnot and um manifestation manifestation of mindset she was a student or a consultant of bob proctor this morning and so i wound up going through the whole thinking into results program of bob proctor proctor gallagher and that was like another wave of like wow okay i've been learning like i've been studying all this subconscious stuff but like this just like took me to the next level i don't know like it's like everything has built upon one another and it's just been profound.

21:43And I worked with that girl, you know, like not only in like a group coaching capacity, but also one-on-one too. And it's just been, it's been very fascinating watching her journey and then my journey in spirituality too. Like she's gone from like manifestation culture to like God, Jesus. And I'm like, okay, I bought like my first Bible last year. I don't know. There's just been like this, I don't know, just journey along with all of my mentors. It's just been really fascinating. Wow. So would it be fair then to say that a portion of your motivation to coach is for you to have the impact on other people that your coaches and mentors had on you?

22:26Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause I'm like, I don't, and I don't even know if I can describe like what I do, you know, like you were even just mentioning like a framework. I don't necessarily have it to find out what my framework is yet. You know, like I come up with things every once in a while, but it's like, okay, obviously we're going to identify like, like where you're at, what you want, what's keeping you from getting there. And what do we need to do to close the gap for you to get what you want? Like, obviously that's what we're going to cover. But, you know, I'm writing a book too. And I think that that's the biggest thing.

23:02My writing coach at one point, she was like, I think what's keeping you like what's making it hard for you. One, I'm writing about my life. So it's just like I want to put like every detail in there. Right. Yeah. I think it's like this is going to be like a 3000 page book. But she named it one time and she was like, Kelly, I think you want the reader to receive the same type of transformation and impact that you have had like personally. and so it's like you're almost that perfectionism comes through it's like i have to put in every single detail because if i miss a detail it won't connect the dots as well and so it's so freaking long to write this book and i'm like oh this is fun okay so how long have you been working on this book kelly a few years okay so i'm gonna be kelly now i'm coach i'm coach kelly Okay, so give me a date.

24:02When will it be done? Yeah, well, I gave myself my birthday, but that was two months ago. The end of the year. End of the year. Yes. This is the thing. Never, this is just for anybody listening, if you ever meet me. If you're not serious, never make the mistake of telling me your goals because I will hold you accountable. Look how uncomfortable you are. You just took a drink for the first time. Look at you see this. I analyze body language. I'm seeing this. They were seeing new gestures. Great. She's uncomfortable. So, yes, hold the get it. This is the thing. So when I was writing my book, I my book coach told me something really helpful.

24:47He said that your book is never done. Your book is never done. And that's one of the reasons why people never finish, because they have new insights, new experience that will change the way that they see things. And so you just have to put a conclusion on it. And so then he said, I had this internal negotiation with me, with myself. I said, okay, Kwame, fine. We're going to close the book. And if you have any new ideas, those new ideas go in your second book. Yeah. That's it. So you just have more books in you. That's the thing. And then also think about the people who are going to read it and their lives will be changed.

25:22They might need it soon. They might need that urgently. Right. So, you know, and what's funny is you said you don't have a framework and then you very Well, I mean, I just didn't like name it per se. Hypothetically. This is fun. Hypothetically, I have a framework. Yeah. So hypothetically, if you had to name it, what would you name it? Um, probably something like the Chase Life Method or something like that. Chase Method. I'll be able to. My name. That sounds fucking awesome. We're done. Chase Life Method. I've just cleaned it. It's over. It's done. Hey, everybody. Thanks for joining this coaching session with Coach Kwame Christian.

26:06This is great. Oh, amazing. I'm excited about it. That's really cool. that that is super cool oh sorry this alarm went off i don't know why um but yeah that's that is super exciting that look at us making breakthroughs here this this is nice um see listeners this is how things happen and i'm sure like we're going to first of all vibe outside of this and then second with you and your friends this is probably how you sound all the time Like just helping each other go back and forth. And that's the thing that people often miss. Your success is going to be is going to depend on the people you have around you.

26:46You know, you're going to be the average of your people around you, whatever that happens to be financially, spiritually, physically, all of these things. And so you have to be very mindful about curating your people because then you have conversations like this where you make friends and then they'll hold each other accountable to just getting things done. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, environment, the people who surround ourselves is. Have you ever walked out of a meeting feeling really good about it and then 10 minutes later someone's messaging you saying something like, wait, what did we actually decide in that meeting?

27:18That gap between what happened and what anyone remembers is exactly what Granola AI closes. Honestly, the first time I looked back at my notes afterwards, I didn't expect them to be that clean. It was more organized than anything I'd ever written myself, and I hadn't done any extra work to get there. Granola AI is an AI-powered notepad built for how people actually meet. You take the same rough notes that you always would, and in the background, Granola AI is quietly transcribing the conversation. As soon as the meeting wraps, it turns all of that into clear, structured notes automatically. And it also runs through your device's audio, so there's no bots joining your call and nothing extra to configure.

27:57It just fits nicely into the tools you already use. You can stay focused on the conversation and still walk away knowing exactly what decided and who's doing what next. If meetings are eating up your day, Granola is a no-brainer. You can try it totally free for three months. Just head to granola.ai.com. That's granola.ai.com to get your time back. three months free at granola.ai slash kwami. The first thing that I ever got from Quince was this pair of really nice formal pants, but they were stretchy and made for travel. So for me as a lawyer and businessman, as I travel and I do these keynotes all over the world, it's really nice to be able to know that I could wear something that looks good in the airport, that's comfortable on the airplane, and I could wear comfortably if I have to roll into a meeting or an event right after getting off the plane and it was only$60.

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29:24They carry that same quality into bedding, bath, kitchen essentials, and furniture, all designed with the same care. I use Quince and so should you. Find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to Quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. And when Quince asks you where you heard about them, let them know it was me. That's the best way to support the show. So important. For sure. For sure. And so is a hypothetical. Okay. I have a question. We made it 24 minutes without touching. Love is blind.

30:03Is that the longest you've gone or had anybody go in an interview with you without saying anything on it? um maybe yeah that's that was my goal I was like I don't want you to feel compelled to just because there's more to you so much more so I wanted to make sure we led with that yes um I think that's too like you know kind of going back to the book thing when I first was like oh I'm gonna write a book that was a few years ago and you know that probably could have been a book is just the love is blind experience, right? And then I could have expanded on it, but I was like, I think that that was like, but I'm not, like, I'm so much more.

30:44And there's so much about love is blind that like, like I was just saying, it was like I started this whole self-love journey before I even started filming. I went deeper afterwards. And it's like, I have to like connect that because there's so much there, you know? Like who I am today, like, you know, some people are like, oh, you're 41 and you're single still, you know? And it's like, I am. And there's a reason why. I entertain silliness for a long time. But that's all part of the journey. That's all part of the day. You know, I don't want, I told someone, or I created a video on this recently.

31:21I was like, I'm 41 and single. No kids, never married. I said, but there's a reason. And I was like, I went into it. And I said, I don't, I'm not creating content to show you, like 41 and single content to show you like, oh, like whatever, like we can, like this is a lifestyle or whatever. It is right now. That's my current reality. I said, but like at the end of the day, I'm here to help you close that gap. So you're not 41 single with no kids and never married. Like it is what it is. If that's what you choose, that's what you choose. But I feel like there's a lot of women who have been in the same situation that I have.

31:58They entertain the potential and not the reality of, and, you know, red flags were popping up and they kept trying to make it work. And again, what I was saying at the very beginning, it's like it just gets exhausting, you know, but now we are. I'm 41 and I'm like, I still want a baby and I want to get married. Well, think about this. Well, before I end, before I respond, for the folks who are listening on audio, my favorite part of your answer was as you carefully selected your words when you said, and I was entertaining silliness. I'm like, I wonder what words she went through. because let's think about alternate realities kelly let's be honest you could be married with a kid to one of those silly guys that's right exactly but the thing is you intentionally chose yourself right that's one of the things i love about the the way that you frame things you're not rejecting people you're always choosing yourself and when the right person aligns with you choosing yourself then then you make the right decision the the reality is with life we might have plans and then god fate circumstances whatever has another plan for you and you do the best you can with what happens and you can't control all the circumstances but you can control your actions and do the best you can and here you are 41 single and still happy and doing well and probably impacting way more people than you ever thought was possible 15 20 years ago yeah oh yeah absolutely Absolutely.

33:26Well, it's funny too because like even if I'm like, okay, if I'm not necessarily like having a coaching program, that's why I didn't like just abandon social media. It's like I'm still creating impact over there and whether a thousand people see it, five people see it, whatever, it's like those five people needed to hear my message that day. You know, it's like there's so much more. I think, you know, even a lot of like visibility and branding and whatnot. I help other women with, like I said, a single female entrepreneur is because like there's a lot of fear in that, like imposter syndrome. And, you know, who am I to talk about these things or who am I to like start a business doing this?

34:01There's five thousand other of the same kind of businesses. I'm like, yeah, there's five thousand other coffee shops out there, too. Like we all get like you're still going to get coffee. Someone's just going to you're just going to like the branding at one. You're going to like the owner of another one. Like it's the same thing, you know, but I don't know. There's just like a lot of fear around showing up online. But I'm like, again, your message is more important than that fear, you know, and I've held myself back. I've played small and have hid a little bit. But I also got, you know, shamed and trolled and all kinds of things after the show aired.

34:35And it was a little PTSD, you know, so I was performing visibility. That's why I'm still showing up though. It makes sense. And I think too, there's a bit of self-protection in performing visibility too, because you want to say, okay, I am me behind the scenes. And then let me create this digital avatar. That's clearly not me. So when people attack that, then I personally don't feel it. Like there might be some self like subconscious self-preservation that makes it a legitimate strategy. And that's gotta be hard. One of the things, so disclosing this, I'm a love is blind junkie, but I started post-COVID.

35:17So that's one of our favorite shows to watch. And we would just binge the shows. That's our guilty pleasure. So one of the questions we always had was when it comes to the discrepancy between what you experienced and what was actually put on air, how big is that gap and what is in it for me um i would say everything was pretty fair until the end okay yeah um i mean so i'll spoil so if you are going to if you've never seen the show and you want to go watch it um to your listeners spoiler alert we did not get married at the end um they showed me saying no he also said no but they did not show him saying no no they did not yeah like you gotta go why you gotta go because they're like you broke his heart at the altar and i'm like no i didn't like he said no also they just didn't show it and it's the only i think we were the only couple that they didn't show both people saying i do or i don't i was only i was only one because they couldn't like he would he said no also like every other couple had like a yes or no I guess right oh okay fair but yeah but we were going to address the crowd like we were going to address our guests um and we started to like turn around and like face like he grabbed my hand we like faced the audience and he you know he started to present to them like you know thank you guys so much for coming.

36:57And he was going to go into like, but you know, we care about each other. We, you know, we've, we've grown love for each other, but this is not our path. And all of a sudden, like our pastor, priest, whatever he was, he interrupted us and he goes, sorry, I'm getting word from production. I'm going to need you guys to turn back around. And we were like, Kenny and I just looked at each other and I was like, oh they know what we're up to we're towering this he wasn't working for god he was working for the network yeah exactly yeah wow but like i i mean i know where it's at but in the scene you can see like there's just there's a very emotional vulnerable moment between the two of us like because we're kind of like saying our vows but not saying our vows like we're just sharing our, you know, thanking each other for the journey and like the relationship that we've grown and everything.

37:54And I'm like very emotional. I'm crying and, you know, love the person that I've gotten to know and blah, blah, blah. And then you see all of a sudden I go from like crying to like, I smirk, like I turned my head really quickly and I was like, like that. And that's where they edited it because I was looking at the pastor to be like, oh my God, you've got to be kidding me like so i was like oh but it looks like they kept that in because the smirk looks like oh she's about to do something crazy and i there do you take kenny to you know and i was like i don't then it was like bomb drops and everyone's like what yeah so i honestly think the reason why they turned it on me versus turning it on him because obviously he said no also right um was because they had more storyline behind me like i was very vulnerable in i mean i'm always very vulnerable but in our like one-off conversations with producers you know them asking me about family life and ex-boyfriends and past relationships and all of that i gave them everything and since they had a that they could create a better narrative around my story versus because I remember the producer one time she was like he's giving us nothing like he won't he won't talk about you he won't talk about like his ex-girlfriends and I'm like well that's nice of him to play safe but he wasn't he wasn't he didn't give him anything to like work off of so I did so they made it kind of look like I was still in love with an ex-boyfriend and I'm like it's been like 10 years since we broke up i just happened to talk about that ex-boyfriend because he was the last ex-boyfriend i had like yeah so it was just and then people were like you know he was blonde i kept you know i made a comment that i was more attracted to like brunette guys and so they were like harp on that throughout the series too and i was like oh my god i dated blondes before like Like, I don't know.

40:04It was just so silly, certain things. But yeah, it was that because like we were such a solid couple the entire time. And then for that to happen, like I said, it was it was fine the whole time pretty much. And then, yeah, that part. And then I was like getting, you know, just granted, there was a lot of positivity, like women being like, oh, my God, she chose herself. She knew that that wasn't right for her. She walked away. She said no at the altar. but then there were a lot of people that did not have that perception and they were like you know you're gonna die alone um you're you know you're terrible like he dodged a bullet like all this stuff just like digs at my character and i'm like you don't even know me but when you get hundreds of those maybe thousands of those types of comments and dms it it hurts it takes it takes a toll and then to add insult to injury you have the the mac giving you the thumbs up sign as you like come on golly gee so hey listeners if you are listening on audio you missed the good one there um that's geez that i could not imagine i well let me ask you this when it comes now to vulnerability after that experience did it make it hard for you to to open up again just in general um not really honestly yeah which is kind of I mean there are certain things that I don't speak on that I protect um that I think is kind of eating me alive at some times like I have some like family issues and that I won't dive into too much here but yeah just some like grievances around some family and that I want to share more about but I've in protection of said family member I have not talked about it yeah but I do and not that anyone not that I owe it to anybody it's just like almost like what I was saying at the beginning it's like I felt when I took a year and a half off from coaching because I wasn't sharing my messages like although yes I was creating content here and there like I was still creating content and I would share some of this stuff through there but I like even I was telling my psychologist i was like i feel like i could create 30 videos a day and still not be done with the amount of like information that i have in my head so i felt very suppressed because i wasn't able to like express that and that's kind of how i feel about this family situation like i want to like get it out um because i think that it could help people also like i have like it's a sibling challenge um i like a lot of golden child guilt yeah and there's just like a lot of stuff but yeah it's just it's heavy but anyways um yeah it's just been i i don't think i have a problem being vulnerable it's just figuring out what to share right you know it's tough and the thing is it's such an imprecise science it's going to be different for different people under different circumstances, everything, and a lot of trial and error.

43:14But especially when you're focusing on family cohesion too, I think you're making the right choice. But then I know the coach in you is saying, I know this story could help so many other people too. That's challenging. I'll tell you one thing that I've done to get around that is telling stories from the perspective of somebody that I've coached and then changing genders and circumstances. So I'm like, oh yeah, I was coaching this one person and their name was um uh kwame uh because then you can still get it out while still respecting anonymity um but yeah i get it it's it's tough and what's tough for me too is as a content creator there's often a a tension that you have between living life and sharing life too.

44:06Yeah. Where it's like, I want to be present and enjoy a moment. And then the consummate teacher in me is saying, oh, this would be such a good message for other people. I can frame it like this. Like, oh, how do I balance being good at what I do professionally with being good as a human in the moment? Yeah. No, absolutely. Absolutely. And I like it was a handful of months ago, but it was funny. I went to lunch with like my college girlfriends, you know, best friends. And I just, you know, they're all at different phases of life than me. And they're always like, oh, are you like dating someone?

44:43And I'm always met with also like, maybe you should put your like, you know, your influencer stuff or your business stuff like on the back burner and focus on like a man, like finding someone like you're getting older and stuff. And it really just chaps my ass. So I guess it was a little like wounded, whatever, but I, It was probably like a week and a half later or something. It wasn't immediate. But I just, I don't know. I felt this like thing. I'm like, I know I'm not the only person receiving, you know, messages or commentary like that. And so I created like a carousel post. And, you know, the first handful of things were like the hooks of what that language looks like.

45:24Like stop, you know, stop going after things. Focus on dating right now. Like you're single. Like what's going on? I don't know. Just like all kinds of things. And one of my girlfriends reached out who I, you know, had had that conversation with. And she was like, Kel, like, you know, is what's going on? And like, I didn't, you know, and so I felt bad because I like basically used our conversation as, you know, fuel for an Instagram post. But it got what I wanted out of it in the sense of like connecting with a lot of women who feel the same way. And I'm like, I have to think like, I'm sorry that I like, yes, used our conversation.

46:00I said, but it wasn't just our conversation. My mom says things like that. Like there's, y 'all aren't the only people that say those things. I wanted to spread a message. Like stop it. Like I have an intention and I have a message and I'm, and a mission here. And like, I, like, I, I think that we can have both. I'm not going to like put my dreams on the back burner or like something that I feel so passionate about to pursue a guy. Like if the guy's going to come in when it's, we're all just going to merge and mesh. Like it'll be beautiful. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I'm not going to do that. Like, and that's what I tell, like, you know, my mom's like very like, you know, I don't know, she's very health conscious.

46:41She likes working out, like, which is great about her age and everything. And I'm like, mom, that's like me telling you stop working out, go sit on the couch. Like, exactly. You can't like, that's, it's a part of who I am to do this work. Yes. They're telling you to not be you for a moment to get somebody else, which is not choosing yourself against everything that you preach. And tell me if I'm off on this, but it sounds like there's a very gendered component of this too. Because when guys are saying, oh, I'm having trouble getting with a woman, the guy's advice is, hey, listen, man, you got to buckle down and make some money.

47:18Money. It's true. It's so true. No, that is 100 % because I follow some women who are highly successful and they're always like, if you want to have the life that you want, the man and the money, you've got to dissenter the men. You've got to focus on the money and be the man. Do that. Act like the dude. You've got to go after it and the right person is going to show up for you where you're going. That's the key. That's the key. Because you have to find the right person. And pretending to not be who you are is not the thing that's going to lead you to a longstanding relationship. Because think about it.

47:54If you turn off the business side, then you have a lot of time to spend with them. Then you become who you actually are again. And now that means less time for them. They're like, oh, you changed. I think you're choosing business over me. Oh, I attracted the wrong one. Right. You know? Yeah. Absolutely. What is the most common subconscious money belief that is holding women back right now? uh crap um um that it's like that it'll change them oh so like the money so that the money will change who they are like yes like if they make more money it will change who they are and women have such a sense of belonging and so it will make them not fit in anymore with like maybe their friends maybe They'll outgrow their husband or their partner.

48:45Like there's a sense of belonging and it's like unsafe to like out succeed people because then it's like making them uncomfortable because they don't feel like they belong. And so then us women, we play small and we shrink ourselves to make other people feel comfortable. Wow. Wow. Oh, such a good answer. What is the attachment pattern that is most likely to attract the wrong partner and why? Anxious attachment style. and why okay yeah anxious attachment style i say that more so because a lot more women are anxiously attached more men are avoidant attached there could be vice versa there but for my own experience being more anxiously attached you are coming from a place of lack and scarcity unworthiness um so you're constantly like grasping for love it's like you know there's like this meme of i want to say it's like a deer and an ostrich and the deer is like chasing or the ostrich is chasing the deer the deer is chasing the ostrich and it's like just love me just love me it's something it's like that like it you you're actually repelling the person more the more you're like needing them i need you to love me i need you to be here i need you to show up i need you to commit it's like oh my god like that's such an aggressive like energy it's so anxious but we do the same thing the attachment with money too i need the money i need the money now and it's actually repelling the money too.

50:11Wow. Oh, that's good. That is good. Okay. Why do more people need to hear the message, eat more, weigh less? Yes. Eat more, weigh less. So many people are not eating enough already or they're not eating enough of the, what I say, the right foods. I don't want to say it's like a bad or wrong, but healthy foods like your balanced macros whatever you want to call it um we're not eating enough of that and then they go and they restrict themselves they're like oh i need to go on a diet but at the end of the day they probably they're probably not already eating enough and the reason why they can't lose weight is because they're kind of in like starvation mode their body is like creating one cortisol is high so it's creating more inflammation in the body two they're again kind of going in that starvation mode the stress is just again with the cortisol it's a stress um but their metabolism has slowed because they're not eating enough food to fuel the body properly so when you start to eat more again of the right foods of the healthier foods and you actually will kick start your metabolism and you will start to see a weight loss versus a weight gain granted if you're sitting there eating cheeseburgers and pizza probably not going to happen.

51:30But you know, our whole foods, that kind of thing. Um, I went through a personal experience where I was like, fine. I never really had like disordered eating. I want to say it's good. Disordered eating, not an eating disorder. Cause it was disorderly. Um, but I, like, I always ate like, you know, I was great. I had a thin body, like whatever, fit body healthy. And then after a breakup, I got just in my head about things and I started to cut like, let's put it this way. I followed a bikini competitor diet without having a coach to help me with that. Google can be very dangerous sometimes. So with that being said, I cut calories that I didn't need to cut.

52:15I didn't need to lose weight at all. Um, and, but then I got like, I was like excessively working out and exercising. Um, so I lost about 10 pounds that I didn't need to lose. Like people were very concerned about me and I was looking a little anorexic. Um, and then I gained about 30 pounds after that. Um, so, and I didn't understand, like, I was like, I can't eat any less food. Like I'm eating half a chicken breast. I'm eating like four broccoli florets and I'm eating half a sweet potato for lunch and dinner and like chia seeds on egg whites like and spinach. Like that's not enough. It just wasn't connecting that it wasn't enough food.

52:56And then I started to like do more research in it and they're like, you're not eating enough food. Like your metabolism is slow. Your cortisol is crazy through the roof. That's creating so much inflammation in your body. Like you have to start eating more. So I was probably eating less than, I was probably eating around like 800 calories a day. Whoa. Yeah, it was really bad. And then so when I started to eat, I was like, you know, almost like forcing myself to eat like 1 ,200 calories. And now I've stayed probably between like 1 ,500 to 1 ,800 calories. On some days I'm over 2 ,000. It just depends.

53:27But yeah, when I saw that, like my body started to change. I started to like lose the weight. I started feeling better. Like I wasn't punishing my body anymore. I was working out. You know, when I was doing two hours in the gym, I went down to like 25 minutes, 30 minutes, maybe just going for walks, eating the right amount of the right food. And so eating more way less. Beautiful. I love that. That's really great. That's powerful, too, because people don't recognize how little they know about food. Yeah. We say, hey, listen, I'm a human. I've been eating food for decades, bro. What you going to tell me about food?

54:02There's so much we don't know. Yeah. So good for you. That's that's great. and I'm glad that you're sharing it. Okay, here's another one. What is one word that you would choose to describe how it feels like to finally choose yourself? Freedom. Oh, that's good. That's good. Okay, quick description of why. Because when you are, when you choose yourself wholeheartedly and you love yourself, You're not going to self-abandon. You're not going to feel unworthy. And with all of those things, when you're in that anxious attachment style, all of that is like you're seeking those external love and validation from others.

54:50And again, it's exhausting to hold all of that. Right. And so there's no freedom. There's no peace in that. And so when you can be just so centered and grounded in who you are, there's so much peace and freedom in that. Yes. So true. This is good. Okay. And believe me when I say this, I came up with this question months ago, years ago, maybe. What are you going to do between now and December to make sure that your book is done?

55:27i'm going to write in it every day good every day yes i'm promising you're you and myself that we will be following up we will be following up okay great now before we go let me bring in simone simone has been listening he's going to ask a question give a great comment and then we will land the plane okay i think this is the first time that i don't have a question or a comment i just want to say thank you because uh i was analyzing your profile maybe a couple of months ago to see if you were a good fit for the podcast and i started to to stalk you you know i i like more your tiktok i like your tiktok than your instagram so i was on tiktok and i heard you saying something that was very important for me at that moment you said that stop falling in love with the potential of someone instead falling in love with the actual person yeah so you said that for girls but it actually worked for for everyone you know so uh does no matter what is your question in your relationship is you're not fully convinced of someone you just have to listen to that advice and that's it now everything is clear and it's up to you if you want to take action or not right but you have all the answers right now so i i that was very important for me at that moment now i am in a very different situation and a lot better and uh but at that moment i said okay this brought me light so i'm gonna bring her to say thank you and then i'll see if it's if it's good for kwami but i just want to bring her to the show and say thank you because that was a very very good advice and what i liked as everything you just have uh you have said is that it's simple but very profound so uh for instance what i like about compassionate curiosity framework of kwami is this is very simple but it takes your whole life to practice it so the things that you have said like choosing yourself first or this one don't fall in love with the potential of someone it is very simple but it's a rule for for your life so thank you so much for for that advice and it was very important for me at that moment and now it's a rule of my life thank you so much for sharing that with me that makes my heart smile wow you never like you don't know like who's watching your stuff and that's another thing It's like you just got to keep showing up and putting it out there, you know, whether it's performing or whatever.

58:05It's like you just got to share the message. And however it's supposed to land, it's supposed to land. Incredible. And look at this. Coming full circle, you met a TikTok follower. So there you go. I love it. Thank you. Now I'm like, okay, now I really got to show up by my TikTok. There we go. There we go. Over there. Oh, so good. Kelly, you are amazing. Thank you for coming on the show. So let's say hypothetically, if anybody wanted to chase success and was looking for a coach, would you have any suggestions for what they should do? Yeah, reach out to me. Yes, no, reach out to me. I TikTok, Instagram.

58:46I mean, I'm on Instagram a lot. Obviously, the link's in my bio. But chaselifewithkelly.com is where people can find how they can work with me. I have digital courses. I have one-on-one mentorship. Um, then obviously like I have a podcast. I kind of took a little break, but there's nearly 200 episodes there that they can go and binge my content there too. So lots of free resources, obviously my content on TikTok, as similar as that, um, and on Instagram. So yeah, I just, I would be honored to hold space for someone's transformation because it's been the people who have held space for me have changed my life.

59:22Amazing. Kelly, thank you so much for joining us. Really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. This is great. I loved it. Good energy.