Why “Name It To Tame It” & Punching Pillows Don’t Work For Intense Kids #635

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2:05What works for most kids will not ever work with intense strong-willed kids. While many children respond well to doing breathing exercises, punching pillows, or the name-it-to-tame-it method, these often make our intense kids even more frustrated. And I want you to understand why, not just from a practical sense because you want to know how to calm your child, but because using other approaches can thoroughly frustrate your child and, most importantly to me, send the message that you don't really understand your kids and you haven't accepted that they are different. And that will lead to a lot of internal anger and resentment.

2:46And we don't want that. So that is what we're going to discuss on today's episode of the Calm Parenting Podcast. Welcome. This is Kirk Martin, also host of the PDA Parent Podcast, And you can find that. And our ad-free version of the podcast is only$5 a month at CelebrateCalm.com. So a few caveats here. Traditional methods can work really well with traditional kids. I am not denigrating the power of breathwork or the name it to tame it approach. I am saying you can't expect these approaches to work with our intense kids. And I'm going to explain why so you have a deeper understanding of what's happening inside your kids.

3:28And I want to show you alternative approaches that do work. So let's first roughly define the name it to tame it approach because there are valuable lessons we can take from that. Name it to tame it. It's a neuroscience-backed technique developed by psychiatrist Dr. Dan Siegel. Very bright guy. The core idea is that putting a heavy emotional experience into words calms the brain's emotional center, the amygdala, and engages the logical prefrontal cortex, allowing you to regain control and process feelings rationally. So let's go through a few points. Number one, naming your child's emotion can be helpful, but it depends how you do it.

4:17The typical ways we've been told to name our kids' emotions sound condescending to our kids. When I first had the idea to do this episode, I was hiking in Bryce Canyon National Park. It was early one morning this past winter. No tourists there. It's often when I do my best thinking. So I texted Casey. I remember where I was on that trail, and they said, hey, what's your reaction when I say name it to tame it? And his reply was typical Casey. Go F yourself. And I was like, okay, that's how I feel as well. And this is important to understand, and I'm going to explain why in a few minutes. And understand that that visceral response with Casey is probably also what your kids feel at times.

5:05So I hope you're not offended by that. I'll get to this later. I'm not offended by my son's intensity. I appreciate it. So here's a common example of how to apply this approach. Instead of telling a child to stop crying, you validate them by narrating their experience. Oh, you are so frustrated because you wanted the blue cup. The claim is that this helps the child feel seen and understood. Well, my initial reaction to this is that it doesn't help an intense child feel seen and understood because they don't want their actions narrated. It makes them feel angry and frustrated. A sweet couple I was working with told me, well, we were taught to narrate our son's experience.

5:49So we said, hey, I noticed your fists are clenched and your face is red. And I've let out a verbal gasp like, oh, I can't wait to hear your son's response to this. and the sweet couple was flabbergasted that their son then destroyed his Lego project, threw a few pieces at them and yelled, I hate you. I was not surprised because when they said those words, I noticed your fists are clenched and your face is red. My first response would be, yeah, I notice your voice is really irritating right now, so you should shut up. Now, I know many kids will find this narration comforting. Thank you for seeing me and validating me.

6:30But your intense kids experience this very differently. I think what that little boy wanted to say is, stop observing and watching me. See, I had this vision and idea of what I wanted to build with my Legos, and it didn't turn out the way I envisioned it. This is really important to me because it was my idea and my creation. So it's deeply personal to me. I'm not always good at school and following directions, but I am good at building and creating. So when this didn't turn out right, I took it as a personal failure and I began beating myself up inside. I already feel bad and I don't know how to deal with that level of frustration and disappointment.

7:14I actually feel a little ashamed. And at that exact moment, you walk in the room and observe me. I don't want to be watched in that moment. It makes me feel like a project. And then you're using some fake technique you read in a book to try to get me to calm down. But I don't really need to calm down right now. That's not what I need. I need to know how to express these feelings without destroying what I just built. Because that's self-sabotage and turning anger in on myself. So please, back off and don't use that really sweet calm tone with me right now. It makes me feel like you don't even understand what I'm feeling.

7:56See, can you get inside your intense child's heart and feel that from their perspective? And just imagine when both parents are standing there observing. It's too overwhelming. Now there are two of you observing me and my shame and helplessness. And it sounds like you feel helpless to help me. And that's why you're using that validation thing you read about. And that's why later we'll talk about giving your kids space. So let's do this thought experiment. Imagine that your spouse followed you around for like just two hours one day and narrated every emotion, every judgmental thought, every self-critical thought, every feeling of guilt or regret, every selfish thought, every exhale or lecture or frustration you expressed or felt.

8:46That would be annoying. Honey, you're frustrated because we're running late. and people are driving in the slow lane. I notice your hands are gripping the wheel tightly, and your face is red. Now, I would never say, thank you, I feel so seen right now. Now, you can validate this way while you're looking out the window, not staring at your spouse, who's got all these conflicting emotions, and you just say matter-of-factly, oh man, I hate when people drive slowly in the fast lane. That's it. That would be okay. Here's another one. Honey, you were disappointed because you asked me to pick something up from the store on the way home, and I didn't prioritize that.

9:32I notice you are emailing the divorce attorney, and you're about to cry. Look, I don't know. I'm not really loving that observing. How about I come home and say, hey, honey, I need to apologize. You were very clear when you asked me to stop at the store, and I was selfish and didn't make that a priority. So you should be angry at me right now. I'm going to make this right. Now, if you're chronically not making your spouse a priority, that's a larger respect issue that can't be fixed with an empty promise or one trip to the store. And I encourage you, go through the Calm Couples program. It's one of the most underrated things in that bundle that you get.

10:11It's an entire marriage program, and most men won't go to marriage therapy, and it's included in all of that. It's way cheaper than divorce, too. And we teach you how to actually handle conflict. Now, here's a real one. Honey, you are frustrated because you've asked the kids to pick up their toys 14 times, and they're not listening to you. I notice your jaw is clenched. Your hands are gripping the kitchen counter so hard your knuckles are white, and you just let out that exaggerated exhale from exhaustion. Now you feel angry that no one cares as much as you do, and you're left cleaning up after everyone.

10:45Would you like to talk about how that feels and name your emotions right now so we can tame them? Now, I know that's exaggerated, but it hopefully also evokes a visceral response from you. My honest reaction would be, I wouldn't feel this way if you would support me and get the kids to pick up their messes. That's an honest reaction. See, I don't want someone observing every single thing I struggle with throughout the day. I want to be able to feel it, express my disappointment or frustration, without having to talk about it every single time. I want to be able to deal with it myself and then keep moving throughout the day.

11:29So please don't narrate my day or what your kids are feeling. And please do not do the following. Number three, the name it to tame it approach says you should link the child's physical reaction to the event. For example, oh, you really wanted to stay at the park and now you feel angry that we have to leave. My visceral first reaction, don't effing tell me how I'm feeling. Now, when well-meaning parents ask their kids, do you want to name your emotions? The response from inside the intense child is something like this. yeah i'm angry at you for getting down low and looking me in the eyes while i'm struggling and upset and you're using that really sweet voice that makes me feel like i'm incapable and it makes me want to lash out at you and now you're expecting me to name my emotions and talk when i am incredibly frustrated and disappointed don't you know it's nearly impossible for me to use my words when I'm angry.

12:31So that's even more frustrating. And my real question for you, mom and dad, is this. Is it pretty clear what I'm feeling? I don't need to name them. Duh. What I need is a mature adult who can tell me what to do with those emotions. And it better not be doing yoga or breathing exercises or punching a stupid pillow because that works for you and my siblings because you're less intense people. But those things just make me more angry and add to my frustration. No blame or guilt if you've been doing it this way, only if you continue to doing that way. But I want you to understand that from your kid's perspective.

13:13Number four, I want to explore this a little bit because I think it's incredibly important. I want to encourage you as parents to do something counterintuitive here that will make a huge difference, but it's going to make you uncomfortable and sound completely contrary to everything you've been told. For us, Hungry Root means not having to think about food logistics on top of everything else during back-to-school madness. Thanks to Hungry Root, we shop on our own schedule, and we make healthy home-cooked meals in minutes so life isn't so rushed. Hunger Root eliminates the indecision the last-minute runs to the store or settling for expensive carryout and replaces that with healthy, delicious meals that even your picky kids will love.

14:01Last night, we devoured the chicken curry bowl with stir-fried vegetables. Boom. Delicious meal, 13 minutes of prep time, no waste, simple cleanup, more stress-free family time. You're going to love Hungry Root as much as we do. For a limited time, get 40 % off your first order. Plus, get a free item in every box for life. Go to HungryRoot.com and use code CALM. That's HungryRoot.com to get 40 % off your first box and a free item of your choice for life. Oh, I can tell autumn is coming because our house is filled with the aroma of soup, some warm comfort food for those chillier nights. I love this time of year.

14:44Last night, we went to Wayfair.com to check out Dutch ovens and crockpots. And don't tell Casey, but we got he and his wife an espresso machine because they have to get up early for work. They love our gifts. Wayfair has everything we need in one place. Furniture, cookware, appliances, bedding, decor. No need to shop at multiple stores and run around all day. we can quickly find what we need, discover some new ideas, and get fast, free, reliable shipping, all for a really good price within our budget. Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5 % back on every purchase.

15:24Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. I want you to release your child from the expectation that he or she needs to calm down. I want you to release yourself from the pressure to do it just right and say the right things in order to calm your child. Because your child will internalize that pressure you feel and it will backfire. I want you to get to the place where you can sit in the obvious discomfort of your child's intensity without needing to change it or fix it or calm it. And I know that's a big ask, but there's no other option here.

16:15I know their intensity triggers you. I get that. But this won't really get better until you don't need to change their intensity. On a deeper level, our intense kids begin to feel like something's wrong with them, that their intensity is a bad thing, and it's not. I am watching Casey's intensity play out in his adult years, and it is an important, even critical part of his success and happiness. And we talk all the time about how to accept it and use it in positive ways. But let's begin with releasing your child and yourself from having to calm your child. Number five, sometimes this over-validation can sound disingenuous and even manipulative.

17:05It sounds like we're using a technique in order to get kids to calm down. Look, we use this with our own friends, don't we? And sometimes now it sounds like, oh, that sounds kind of fake. And it makes our kids feel like they're being fixed. And kids begin to internalize, you're uncomfortable with my intensity and you need to fix it. So that unnatural language style just sounds kind of icky. And that gentle empathetic tone can sound like pity. So no more sweet tone, even matter of fact, like you're talking to a colleague or someone you respect. And a little side note, in our PDA program and podcast, I continually make the point that what your PDA kids are looking for is not to be equal with you.

17:54They're not equalizing. What they want is to be treated with respect. And that's a huge difference. And that's why I prefer a more natural conversational tone. Oh, man, I get really frustrated when plans change at the last minute. It's like I've been planning around this all day. Look, you don't have to add this, but it might be good insight. I've been planning around this all day, and that takes a lot of energy for me to do. And then when plans get changed, it really throws me off. And there's a subtle difference here. Instead of saying, you are feeling this and your face is getting red, you are normalizing it.

18:30So the child isn't thinking, I'm the only one who ever gets upset in this home. And you're simply stating facts to them without staring at them. It's not about observing what they're feeling. You're just stating facts, right? People driving in a slow lane is irritating. Plans changing at the last minute can mess up my sense of order. Statement of fact. Number six. Sometimes I think intense kids feel like name it to tame it. Feels like name it to shame it. Almost like pointing out that your face is red or that you're really upset is bad or wrong. That's why I like to normalize it. Sometimes even use a color code or a number scale.

19:14Yeah, I'm at about a seven right now. Okay, cool. Do you need some help with that? Or do you need some space to process it and figure it out yourself? See the tone there? Give kids space. It's why I frequently say, oh man, I hate when that happens. I say it with intensity because that's often calming for intense kids. Then my tone changes a bit. Hey, you know what? I need to go to the bathroom. I've got to go change out the laundry. I've got to grab something from the car, get something to drink. Because that allows me to step out of the room without saying, I'm going to give you some space so you can deal with your strong emotions.

19:49The fewer words in that moment, the better. So I give my child space. I can also say, hey, when I get back, let me know if you want some help brainstorming some ideas for how to deal with this. See, there's an invitation, but I'm putting it in the child's court. Instead of saying, we need to talk about your emotions when I get back, there's an invitation. I'm available, but not pressuring. Some kids may not want to talk right away, but they'll bring it up when you're putting them to bed or doing something casual and boom, then they're ready. So make space for that. Number seven, one of the most loving things you can do for another human being is to understand and accept them for who they are without hoping or wishing they were different.

20:34One of the most damaging things you can do is hint at fixing them, at saying you can't handle them because they're too much. And Casey put this in his own words in that Q &A with Casey episode we did back in mid-August, so please listen to that. You know, how many women have been told in subtle or not so subtle ways, you're too much, or you need to tone it down? No, we don't want that with our kids. Number eight, I remember when I was teaching myself how to calm down, and I'd hear people say, well, just count down from 10. And so I'd be like 10, 9, 8. I want to murder someone because I'm really intense.

21:14The counting down wasn't enough. And I do understand the power of breath work. But just breathing deep breaths doesn't help me. And I know there's signs behind it. Just like with name it to tame it, there's signs behind this. But that doesn't mean it works from me or your kids. Don't impose things that work for less intense or neurotypical people on intense kids who experience the world differently, because that ends up being disrespectful. That's also why punching a pillow doesn't work. It's not intense enough. It's not visceral enough. You don't get sensory pressure that way. See, I like giving kids sensory pressure, lifting, moving, heavy objects, because that gives the muscles and joints deep pressure and helps them reset.

22:01One kid we know has a code word, burrito, which means he likes being wrapped up tight in a blanket like a burrito. Other kids bounce off crash pads in the basement. You can throw ice cubes at the side of a brick house, do gardening work, do wall push-ups, move heavy books, push basement furniture across the room to help mom or dad out. I love having kids develop a workout routine for you and then showing you how to do it because that can be very calming and it's a great way to bond, right? I've done that with a lot of parents. Actually, a lot of dads will be like, hey, you know what? I'm getting kind of mid-age, getting a little out of shape.

22:42Could you put together a routine for me to do at the gym? Because our kids like more adult things. They get to be kind of in control at the gym. And guess what? While they're there, they start working out and you're now modeling. Yeah, I do this because it really helps me process my intensity. It's a cool thing to do. You've probably heard that story of how we'd calm kids down by having them throw the sofa cushions on the floor. They would lend lye on the hard part of the sofa, and I'd pile the cushions on top of the child and sit atop the cushions, applying just the right sensory pressure. Plus, there was no eye contact.

23:19Most people make fun of that idea, but a mob just messaged me on Instagram. Do join us on Instagram at Calm Parenting Podcast. Yes, I'm very active there. And she sent a picture of her doing that with her son. He loves it and it works. One of my all-time favorite ideas came from a 10-year-old boy named Max. His mom emailed, I was at my wit's end. I downloaded your programs and they've helped more than years of therapy. I let my son listen to the section on what to do when a child is being physically aggressive. I told him he needs to figure this out. So one afternoon he got upset and we were bracing for the cat five hurricane that he can be.

24:02But instead of lashing out, he went out. He went and put on my husband's weighted vest he uses on the treadmill. Max stormed outside and began working himself through a challenge course he had created. He moved three heavy bags of mulch. She said my husband got in and he'd listened to you recommending that. and he opened them by piercing them with a shovel. Then he used the shovel to spread the mulch under a patch of trees. He started the lawnmower because he said pulling the starter cord is really hard to do. Then he got on his tire swing and twirled for a few minutes. He came in about five minutes later and told us he had heard you talk about creating an obstacle course, doing heavy work and spinning or meeting sensory needs.

24:56So he had come up with this plan on his own that he could do outside away from us. He said it felt good to be in control of himself and know how to do it. And we were so proud of him and thankful you made the programs even accessible to a kid. and then he asks us how much money we'd pay him for doing the yard work because our kids never miss an angle. I love that. That's why we love letting kids listen to the downloadable programs. Then they can take ownership over their lives and they can talk to you openly and say, yes, mom, dad, that's what I'm feeling. Can we try it this way? These are really creative kids.

25:43And if you need help getting the programs, email Casey, C-A-S-E-Y at CelebrateCalm.com. He can help you out financially with them, point you in the right direction. And we respect you so much for being willing to do this a different way with our kids.