#45: Rebecca Lim: Lessons From Heartbreak, Motherhood & Fame

0:00Rachel Lim: Hi everyone, welcome back to another episode of the Who We Are podcast. There are some people we think we know because we have seen them for years on screen, in headlines, in roles that made us feel something. But behind every polished image is a person navigating life with the same questions, the same heartbreaks and the same quiet hopes. Today, I have the honour of sitting down with the woman behind one of Singapore's most recognisable names, Rebecca Lim. She's an actress, yes, a household name for sure, a talent we've all grown up watching and loving. But more than that, she's also someone who has endured.

0:42Rachel Lim: She's stayed the course through trends, scrutiny, reinvention and the evolving pressure of always being seen. She's also walked through seasons of love, loss, friendship breakups and personal unraveling and emerged stronger, softer and more certain of who she is. So this isn't just an interview, it's Rebecca, not as you've seen her, but as you've never heard her before. So welcome back! Hi, hi Rachel. Hi everyone. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. How are you feeling? A little nervous, but also excited. Yes, thank you so much for coming in. And, you know, before we start, maybe I thought, you know, we can start with some, maybe a little bit more lighthearted, quickfire questions.

1:27Rachel Lim: The first thing that comes to your mind, okay? Okay. Okay, so, Bex, what is perhaps the most ridiculous thing you've had to do for a role? What? Most ridiculous thing? thing. I think the first thing that comes to mind would be to be out at sea for full four and a half months and have major motion sickness. So that drama was quite a torturous one for me because I play like a police coast guard. Yes. And with my motion sickness, basically every day was the crew was betting, okay, what time is Rebecca going to puke? Oh no. So you definitely, you definitely they puked yeah definitely every single day for four and a half months and you had to end all that definitely yeah so that i would say would be the most craziest thing yeah wow okay if you had to swap lives with any character that you have played for a day who and why would it be any character that you've played yeah none you know because there's something different about real life and drama um in drama there's always kind of like um so far for all the characters that i've played um very um expected endings or happy endings oh yeah there are ups and downs but i wouldn't want to swap lives with any of my characters yeah for sure you love the life that you're in and i'm loving it right now yeah i wouldn't say i loved it but currently i'm loving my life Amazing.

3:03I can't wait to dive into that.

3:05Rachel Lim: If your life were a drama, what is the title of your current season? Wow. Is that on Netflix? This is a good one. Which chapter? What's the title of this chapter? I would steal the title from the Chinese variety show that I hosted recently with Love Bags. Yeah, because I feel that love really conquers awe. and in my current season of my life, I consciously try to do things with love. Yeah. That's beautiful. And last one, okay? Who is your ultimate teenage celebrity crush? Anyone at all? Teenage celebrity crush. I have two. Okay. Thomas Ong and Fan Wong. Wait, also because they acted in a drama together.

3:56Tsai Jin In Quang Lan. Yes. Yes. So that was the show that I was like, ah.

4:01Rachel Lim: Oh, and what was it like then after that growing up and being in the same industry as them, especially, you know, with Fan 2? It's surreal. Surreal. The very first drama that I participated in was a Chinese drama. And I was a califare in that lore series. And Thomas Ong was obviously the lead actor. Wow. So I think I was caught like just staring at him all the time Because I didn't have any lines, right? So I could just stare at him And it's very embarrassing to, you know, confess that now But for Fen, you know, sometimes when I sit down for a meal with her, you know Or we talk about things Or if I meet with difficulty and she so generously shares her time and her wisdom with me sometimes I go back home and I'm driving on the way home and I kind of pinch myself because it's quite you would I would never expect my life to be like that you know and also sometimes they say you know don't meet your idols don't meet your heroes because they often disappoint you but no for Fan Wong she's more amazing than what I would have imagined It's so nice to hear.

5:24Rachel Lim: And since you talked about it, I want to also talk about your journey, right? Before the accolades, the spotlight and the headlines, bring us back to who you were. Who was Rebecca Lim before the world knew your name? Not the world, lah. Yes, the world. Just some parts of Singapore. And Asia. Before that, I was just a very typical Singapore student. Growing up in a very traditional family, my parents were very, I would say they were very strict with me growing up. But also because I deserved it. I was the middle child. And so I guess naturally within me, there was this rebellious streak. And it wasn't that rebellious, but just because my brother and my sister were so well behaved, they were head prefects, you know, band leaders, counsellors, tennis captains.

6:21and I was just really a normal student but in comparison a problem child. So growing up I was in kind of like that environment and just very kind of a flower on the wall. Not really noticed but noticing everything. Yeah and very low profile in school. I enjoyed sports but yeah just a very quiet student yeah and so you know was acting always part of the dream that you already had no yeah not at all yeah um also because I grew up as a very chubby kid yeah I was often overweight yeah I was overweight since I was premier three all the way to our secondary three yeah and so being an actor has never crossed my mind in fact in school I was involved in short part you know and I was also in the cheerleading team but not as the cheerleader I was the one who had to crouch down and get yeah I was the base and I was actually even then very excited to be the base to be part of the cheerleading squad because I kind of knew how I looked and I never had or dared to dream of being any one of them so I think that there was a fact I was a fat kid and now even as an adult there's always that little bit of fat kid within me that that part where I'm like I don't know if I can do it I I don't know whether it should be me or why is it me so yeah so I think that contributes because I think it's been so much a part of

8:08Rachel Lim: your psyche, your mental and your mental voice inside. So what did your family make of your decision to pursue this path, especially in the beginning? Strangely, my family was very supportive and I thought my parents were going to object me going full-time into this industry after I graduated from university because I studied accountancy in Singapore Management U. I majored in law. Yeah. So when I graduated, it was kind of at that first major crossroad of my life, right? Whether or not to pursue a full-time career in acting or to find a open, close, inverted commerce proper job. And so I consulted with my dad and surprisingly, he was the one who said, you know, okay, what's the first rule that Mediacorp is offering you after you graduate?

8:56and I said, it's a pupil in a law firm. So it's a Channel 5 drama, an English drama and the title was called The Pupil and I played the pupil. So I said, okay, fine. I mean, it's a law student. You're kind of using your degree to a certain extent. Yeah, there's some kind of relevance. You're not playing like a third party or anything negative. So okay, go and play for one year and then.

9:21Rachel Lim: Wait, how old were you when you had this conversation with them? I just graduated from uni. So that was 2010. I was much younger. We all were. I was 15 years younger, so about 23. And so he gave you that green light in that sense. And so that was the beginning of your journey. And what happened after that? When you started beginning that journey of your career, did you fall in love with it immediately? Was it everything you had expected? No. I did not fall in love with it immediately because it was something that I was not good at. What? Acting? Acting. Yeah, acting was something that I was not good at at all.

10:02My Mandarin was horrendous. And because of me being so awful at what I do, more often than not, you get a lot of scolding and a lot of comments, you know, negative comments. And those weren't... It's very harsh, right? Yeah, it's very harsh. So, of course, there were negative comments, but there were also encouraging ones. I wouldn't say positive. There weren't any positive ones, but there were encouraging ones. You know, or people who kind of somehow saw some potential in me and that to give me an opportunity. And then things started to lead from one thing to another.

10:43Rachel Lim: That's the thing where even though as you said, you know, in your words that perhaps you were not good at acting and your Mandarin wasn't as good. But someone gave you the opportunity with that role. You know, it really reminded me back of, you know, Reese Witherspoon. And she gave this interview with Adam Grant where she also shared that, you know, in her famous movie Walk the Line. She said every day she had imposter syndrome and self-doubts. And like she told herself she's not good enough for this role. She can't show up for it. She even begged her lawyer to tell the team that she's not going to take this on.

11:17Rachel Lim: She verbally agreed already, but she wanted to recine it and things like that. And every day, even during filming, she wouldn't want to show up and she felt horrible about herself. But at the end of the day, what got her through was that she just kept reminding herself that if someone gave me this role and opportunity, that means someone saw something in me. And that's what kept her going. And that reminded me of what you shared also. So, and similarly in your journey then, did you go through imposter syndrome and what was it like for you? All the time. All the time. Even till now, sometimes I have to remind myself to snap out of it.

11:55You're real. You're a human being. You're one of us. Yeah, because, you know, this entertainment industry is such a superficial one. You know, everything is based on how you look, someone's impression of you and I acknowledge that I'm not the most beautiful. I'm not like the slimmest, the tallest, the most talented. But just there are all these opportunities that were given to me when I didn't deserve them. You know, I'm not someone who would, you know, go and knock on doors. You know, I'm just a very quiet person. You know, and all these people kind of saw something in me which is very humbling because who are you to deserve all these opportunities when there are so many people out there who struggles so hard, worked so hard for so many years, but they don't have the same amount of opportunities as you do.

12:46So sometimes when I put it in that perspective, I'm like, who am I to deserve all these good things that are happening to me? And so I doubt myself. And I question, like, what else do I have to offer that this person doesn't? And you feel guilty taking on these opportunities, but at the same time, you have to put in your best. Because if you don't put in your best, you're not you're not respecting the person who gave you these opportunities and I feel that's why I always give myself a lot of pressure you know and I always am quite a perfectionist because of that because I know that all these opportunities don't come easy and so I really have to treasure each and every one because I don't know when will be my last

13:35Rachel Lim: and make the most wow so what happens when you spiral in negativity like you alluded to earlier? Sometimes I just allow it to because I strangely feel that it's good for me, you know, to kind of don't think that I'm all that. Yeah, because if I fear that one day, if I do live a life where I feel that, yeah, I deserve all these, these should be mine and not yours, it's a very dangerous position to be in because that's when yeah maybe mentally you're not spiraling downwards but everything else in life will spiral downwards yeah yeah yeah you know that it really also reminds me of there's this pastor that said you know like i think the goal in life is not to shut out that voice that imposter syndrome voice or voice of self-doubt is just to learn to lower the volume of how it speaks to you.

14:36Rachel Lim: Yes, exactly. That's a great way of looking at it. Because it keeps you sharp, it keeps you grounded and it keeps you continuously working hard, not be complacent, right? So what has helped you turn down that volume of negativity or self-doubt in your life? It helps to have a very close group of friends, you know, and awesome family support. I mean, like people like you, you know, I treasure our friendship so much because you're someone that really knows how to uplift people. You know, when you feel like crap, you're like, ah, Rachel. And then Rachel had the most wonderful things to say about you, you know, and you're like, okay, I'm not that bad after all.

15:12Yeah, and also my family, you know, they always remind me that, you know, what can be given to you can also be taken away. So don't hold on to things too tightly.

15:22Rachel Lim: Wow. And I mean, you know, Sean Lee, I'll Makeup Artist. Yeah, my best friend. You know, he's someone that, I mean, he's also like me. We are both very perfectionist and we're very hard on ourselves. But it's good because we always push each other to be better. And we are not like hard on ourselves and then we wallow in self-pity. We don't. We are hard on ourselves and we work on it and we hope to be better. So to find friends with that similar mindset, that helps as well. Yeah, the environment you choose to surround yourself with. And what have you had to sacrifice in order to keep doing what you do at such a high standard?

16:02Rachel Lim: Time with family. Yeah, time with family, I would say is actually the only sacrifice. The rest, you know, time with friends, enjoying like lavish meals or being able to eat anything I want at any moment without caring about my figure. Those aren't, to me, sacrifices. Those are what I need to do. Responsibilities you feel. My responsibility is just a fundamental requirement that I give myself as an actor. So the only sacrifice would be time with family. It's really like what also Germit said, you know. Because he said that the hours are really crazy and they can take you off a lot of, like missing a lot of moments as well with the family.

16:52Rachel Lim: Was there a particular project or role that changed the trajectory of your career? Because you had quite a meteoric rise over the last two decades. Was there one particular project or role that helped you? Oh yeah, most definitely. I mean, I started out acting part-time when I was in university. And that was great because my part-time student contract could pay for my university fees. so i was like yay um but i was only getting very small roles in channel 8 dramas you know mandarin speaking roles and was that the thomas ong yeah yeah yeah not bad you got to pay for your uni piece and then you know yeah could be with your yeah so i didn't think much about this whole acting career then as well because um it was just oh by the way you know um but the pupil role did really create a huge difference because that was when I won my very first acting award at the Asian Television Awards.

17:57Yes, that was with Janice Cole. Yes, and speaking of which, I felt so terrible winning that award because Janice Cole is a brilliant actor and a wonderful human being. And we were both nominated in the same category for the same show. and so I had no hopes about winning the award because in my mind she's gonna win it you know but when and I still yeah and I still remember we were all in this the old Pan Pacific Hotel ballroom and I was holding my camera and trying to record this moment I was like oh you know Michelle Chia oh you know Janice Ko wow and then when it got to me um yeah I was just like you know just trying to enjoy the moment and when they announced that i was the winner winner i was shell-shocked i could not move i could not anything all i could remember was michelle cha telling me it's you it's you go go go wow and then everything was just slow motion and i remember i couldn't walk up the stage because i was shaking so bad because i did not expect that at all and i even told my parents because my parents would pick me up from work you know send me to work and everything so I told them please pick me up at 10pm sharp because I don't want to stay back and like socialize and talk and so they had to wait for me for two hours because I all the interviews and they were like why what took you so long and my manager said she won and even my parents

19:20Rachel Lim: were like what and so we went home and we celebrated over instant me and champagne so that was unforgettable and that really opened up many more doors for me and you know looking back on your career now especially in the early days of your career what is maybe one advice or warning that you wish someone had told you early in your career? Never compare yourself with others. Wow. Yeah. I wish someone had told me that. Because I was constantly comparing myself to all my colleagues and feeling so lousy about myself. So I wish someone had told me, you are unique in your own way. This may or may not work out for you.

20:02but always remember that as long as you're trying your best, that's all that matters. There's so many things that are not within your control. My confidence was really just, I was really just putting it on all the time. It didn't come from inside. It kind of felt like I had to be acting all the time as long as I'm at work. Even when I attended events, the confidence was really put on. And then when I, every time I got home, I'll be so exhausted because it just took so much of me to, to like turn it on, you know? Yeah. At some point, did you feel really that it helps to fake it till you make it?

20:46Rachel Lim: Or at which point do you realise that, okay, this is not sustainable and I need to start developing confidence from within? Actually only very recently. Wow. Yeah. Only after almost two decades. Yes. Only very recently. I wish I thought more about my mental health before this, but no. Yeah, I thought of like just because I have all these opportunities, I have to keep going. You know, I just have to do it. Like even if there's nothing in me anymore, I just have to show up and be great, you know, or at least feel like I did my best. But only recently, and I would say motherhood really changed everything.

21:32only when I was pregnant. And then suddenly, it was the first time I had to say no to a job. And through my almost 20 years, I've never said no to anything before. And my manager would know that I've never taken MC for more than, I think like more than five times in my entire 20 years. Wow. Yeah, because even if I was sick and even if I was not feeling well, even if I had a family emergency at home, I would just show up. because it's the nature of the job. You're not the only one that's involved. You're 20 over people. Right. You know? The show has to go on. It has to go on. So it was only when I was pregnant and I had to say no.

22:14And suddenly I felt like, is this whole motherhood thing going to take away everything that I've worked so hard for? Yeah. And suddenly I'm left at home by myself because my husband is at work. And then thinking, looking through my Instagram, I'm like, who am I? I don't know. Who am I? I'm an actress. Yes. I attend events. Yeah. I've won awards. But who is Rebecca without all these? I don't know. So that was my first wake up call. Like, okay, I need to really sit down and dive deeper into who I am. Before that, I wish I was like you, Rachel, you know, I would think deep, you know, and think, oh, what does this mean to me?

23:02What is not? But I've never, I really just, just go all the way. And I've never had the time to really sit down and, you know, digest and think about things.

23:13Rachel Lim: But I'm so glad that life gave you this opportunity to be able to do that. And you really also took it in your stride. Yes. because it's never too late, Max. Yeah, it is never too late and I'm glad that it's now. Maybe it is the right time because I have hopefully the maturity, you know, to deal with who I am, the ugly parts of me, the strengths, the weaknesses and to be honest and embrace every single part of me. How has that inward journey been like for yourself? Like, it's not easy And it can be uncomfortable to confront these parts of ourselves that we tend to either hide away or bury or don't want to address it.

24:00Rachel Lim: How has that journey been for you? It has been very necessary. It has been, I would say, beneficial in more ways than I thought. initially when I went about trying to really find out okay who am I you know I was actually a bit scared because I thought to myself if one day I were to lose my job I were to lose this part of me that I've been working so hard for would my husband still love me would my mom still love me Will my friends still want to hang out with me? So all these are questions that were very confrontational. And I'm not a confrontational person. So to be able to have to be confrontational with myself was very challenging.

25:00And I constantly had to seek a lot of validation from my poor husband, Matthew. Because a lot of times I would ask him, if I'm not beautiful anymore, will you still love me?

25:10Rachel Lim: If I'm not an actor anymore, will you still love me? He's like, yes, of course. Yeah, so a lot of soul searching and it's been great. Yeah. What have you discovered about yourself that you are really pleasantly surprised and proud of? previously up to um i got pregnant i would pride myself in the role as an actor and also a role as a caregiver caregiver for my dad because he had a terrible stroke when he was 60 and he was um yeah he was bedridden for eight plus years till he passed so I guess that also contributes to why I didn't really have the time and the luxury so to speak to evaluate my life decisions and where I was heading towards or what certain milestones in my life meant but after he passed and also at the same time when I realised I was pregnant suddenly I had a lot of time to do so and yeah I still pride myself in being a not a great actor but a hardworking one you are but but also primarily a good daughter a sister wife and hopefully a good mum yeah thanks for sharing that Bex and you know you have also in your journey weathered seasons of like intense public scrutiny like you mentioned earlier not just in your life but also in different aspects of your life like in relationships romantic and non-romantic as well what has that taught you and how has that journey been like hmm I am very thankful that I'm in a very good situation right now.

27:20So whenever I look back at all these past relationships, friendships, you know, I can be at a stage in my life where I am grateful that things did not work out the way I wanted them to. In some way, as my mom would always say, you know god is protecting me somehow you may not feel it i'll know it then then correct and because of all these things that have happened throughout my career it has also taught me what i really want in a relationship what i what is a big no-no and what i would treasure a lot more and also it really proves and shows you right in your face who your true friends are you know because these situations where you are put under public scrutiny there are people who may use it to their favor or there are people who are seemingly concerned but are actually just very we would say kipo you know yeah yeah so you can really know who are the genuine ones and who are not so i'm i'm also very thankful for the seemingly bad seasons in my life that have really helped me to cut down my circle of friends which i feel was a necessary thing to do.

29:08And yeah, it has really helped me to grow in some way as a person, made me a lot stronger than I used to be.

29:16Rachel Lim: You know, because I always wonder like, you have been loved, so loved, so admired, but also rumoured about, speculated on how do you protect your peace? Especially when people talk about you like they know your story or they know fully what's going on. How do you protect your peace? There are many times when things are being said and you really feel the urge to say something back. Yeah. Or you really feel the urge to clarify that falsehood about you or some kind of misunderstanding or false reporting. Yeah. And there's this urge within you to say something because it's not right, you know, or you don't know the full story, you know.

29:55but I've always been a quiet person and I think that benefited me in more ways than I thought. So maybe in that moment, I feel the urge too, but I'm just so scared to say anything. I don't have the courage to speak out, to speak my truth. But looking back, I feel my silence helped me and protected me, protected my peace because who are the people who really matter? My family, my very close friends, myself. And as long as we are the ones who know the truth, that's all that matters. And I always say, you know, time will tell. And I will let time tell.

30:43Rachel Lim: It must take a lot of patience, endurance, because... Discipline. Discipline. And I can imagine, well, there are times where you must have cried yourself to sleep because you just feel like you want to tell your side of the story or you just want to, like you said, clarify something that was misunderstood. Many times. And many times when you are actually perhaps in not a great position, but other people victimize themselves. Yeah. When you are the true victim. Yeah. And then you're like, wait a minute, something's not right. Let me say something on Instagram. But you hold back. because you're like, where is this going to lead to?

31:25You are just entertaining everyone's insatiable appetite. You say it's may one may leo.

31:30Rachel Lim: Yeah, really may one may leo. And do I want to start another round of gossip? Do I want to start another round of useless chatter and put my family at more stress than we already are because of my dad's situation? I think my dad was also a huge part of me that helped me back because there was so much trauma at home, so much emotional ups and downs with my dad in and out of the hospital, with him having a stroke, you know. And you always see in TV shows or in movies, you know, your loved one having a stroke or, you know, falling ill. And you never think that something like that will happen to your family until it does.

32:18And then it becomes such a reality that you cannot shy away from because it's so in your face. And so I guess that was actually a huge part of why I actively choose to stay out of the drama. Because there was already enough drama at home. I don't need any more in my life.

32:39Rachel Lim: What was the biggest lesson you think you have learned through all of this? Like you said, you were embroiled in so many things. and biggest lesson, I would say a clear conscience is priceless. Wow. Yeah. It's nice to be able to hold your head high despite everything that's being said about you. Yeah. And, you know, if I can also go back to a little bit on friendships, right? Because I think a lot of us in our adulthood, we go through something that is a little bit awkward, you know, where we, and also confusing, where we perhaps grow in different directions from people or friendships we thought would be in our lives forever.

33:25Rachel Lim: And yet we were never taught to grieve them or never taught how to approach situations like this. Have you ever been in any situation or have had friendships where you're just not aligned anymore and you've had to go your separate ways? How did you navigate all of this? several times actually um and i never really felt the need to address them because i've always felt that at different seasons in your life you have different friends and it's great if you have friends that last forever yeah but it's okay if you don't and i have two very good friends that i've known from primary one from seven so where each others like bridesmaids so it's just the three of us myself cheryl and michelle so the three of us are just we've been friends for the longest time and i just feel that if if friends or your then friends have showed you who they are especially in times when you are doing well they don't celebrate you they let's not say all the negative stuff but they don't celebrate you I feel that that's not a genuine friendship that I would like to keep and so just let it go yeah and when you mean they don't celebrate you as in they're not happy for you when you achieve something or have a milestone yeah yeah and I think that's the the best way and the quickest way to see who your true friends are, you know.

35:12Because it's very strange that if you post a milestone or something celebratory online, so many strangers or fans congratulate you. But why is your friend not even, and I may sound very petty, but why is my friend not even liking my photo? You know, it's small things like that. Wait a minute, you know. did he or she not see or yeah so if strangers can do that for you and your friends don't are they your true friends i don't know those are my signs but everyone has different yeah threshold of what a true friendship should be yeah and sometimes less is small it's true sometimes

35:56Rachel Lim: less is small also you know bex i think having also heard about your journey there's really a lot of like ups and downs that you've been through especially in the last two decades and And I think for a lot of us, what we see on the outside is you always smiling, looking so glamorous, looking so good and happy. But what was perhaps one of the lowest seasons or lowest points in your life that no one or few people really knew about? Takes me back to the time when my dad was just had a stroke. And I kind of hate to keep bringing this up because I always want to remember him in the best way possible.

36:37But I mean, he passed away two years ago. But that was really a huge part of me that was gone.

36:59Sorry. It's okay.

37:04so i remember i had to film a comedy it's called um the lead it's um the chinese title is and we're filming in a fish farm and the scene was me with my three other good friends in the show and we're supposed to like talk about our dreams like yes you know one day i'm going to be the best actress in the world and i announced it you know in a very uh over-the-top manner like

37:32And right before the cameras rolled I received a message from my brother I remember very clearly That that is no good That's all it said And it was like a tear dropped from my eye And then I heard cameras rolling Action I keep my phone

37:56That was the hardest thing I had to say

38:03And it was very ironic Because Here I am acting in a role Where I want to be the best actress But

38:12Rachel Lim: My dad was fighting for his life And that was the beginning Of your dad's diagnosis Yeah What did your dad represent in your life, Bex? Such a wonderful question what did my dad represent in my life?

38:33Courage. He was just the

38:39the pillar of the family.

38:42Rachel Lim: Since you were young. Since I was young. I remember you shared with me some of the little things he did with you as a family that also built a culture and that's why you're a family that loves to share food He even sliced up little things. I mean, my dad didn't have much growing up. But he is the most generous person you will ever meet. Generous with the little that we had, but also generous with his time. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry, Bex. Yeah.

39:23And Yeah, he's just someone that I really look up to He's haven't had the best of health Since I was in primary school But he's always Through the pain and through his suffering Always found ways to make his children laugh Even Even Before a major operation He would crack a joke. What a man. He would pack his luggage for his hospital stay. Half would be his clothes. The other half would be tidbits for his children. Because we would come and visit him. And then he'd be like, ta-da! All the tidbits for you guys. Yeah. What a man. So my dad was very selfless. And one thing that he really taught me was, it's very nice to be important but more important to be nice yeah and that has stuck with me since

40:25Rachel Lim: i was a little girl it's very nice to be important but it's more important to be nice wow and always treat everyone the way you want to be treated so those are i can still hear his voice you know saying that and my mom's voice as well so treat us the way you want to be treated you know So those are the values that I grew up with. If he was still alive today, what do you think he would be most proud of you for, Bex? Being a mother. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, I'm sure he would have been very happy that my acting career kind of happened. A great one. Yeah, but I believe he would be most proud that I'm trying my best to be the best mother that I can be.

41:20Yeah. And it's so beautiful that when he passed, immediately after you and your sister found out that you were pregnant.

41:32Rachel Lim: Yeah. Yeah. What a gift. It's almost like... we kind of believe or maybe it feels better for us this way, you know, that daddy probably could live in peace because he knew that we're all in safe hands and that we're all in a position that he doesn't need to worry about us anymore. And a lot of my uncles and my relatives will always say, you are the problem one. Your dad is the one that's always worried about you. but yeah so that was what happened when i got married a lot of my relatives will say that oh you know how worried your dad was you know blah blah blah blah i'm like yeah yeah i know guys let's move on yeah yeah and i also want to talk about motherhood for you two years ago you became a mom and what has motherhood changed for you everything everything um i did not expect such a huge change in my life.

42:34Rachel Lim: Firstly, was it planned for, did you, have you always wanted to be a mom and was this planned? No. I never had the urge to be a mom. I never had the desire to be a mother. I was very contented to be the fun-tee in the family. You know, the fun auntie, and then when they cry, oh, bye. You know, I was very contented doing that. You know, spoiling them, giving them the lollipop, you know, ice cream, things that the parents will never allow them to eat. I love, I love that role You know And But For some reason I guess I met the right person At the right time Um And I And we always Matthew and I will always Talk about it If we have met each other Maybe 10 years ago Our relationship might not have Worked out We met each other When we both Were ready At the perfect time For each other And what has Matthew brought into your life You think Peace yeah wow peace and security that i've never had and the the peace and the security that he gave me really made me like hmm maybe i can have a family with this man wow and so for the first time in your life you actually felt that it's possible yes i think before that when i mean i've had previous relationships but they've never i've never had the the thought of uh oh i want to have a child with this guy because this guy is maybe still a kid you know yeah so yeah yeah so how what was that like you know is it everything that you had expected and more and are you loving it I would say social media really gave me a false expectation of what motherhood is it painted motherhood in such a picture perfect way and it's not the pregnancy for me thankfully and thank god it was very smooth I was enjoying every moment of being pregnant because I could finally eat anything I wanted to were you still filming when you were pregnant?

44:47Rachel Lim: No, I wasn't. I wasn't. Also, when you were pregnant, the moment you were pregnant, I stopped. I had to say no. That was the first time I said no. And because not many people knew I was pregnant then because I was still in my first trimester. But because of my age, my doctor was like, you better stop working. And I'm like, okay. And yeah, so that was the first time. So you could eat anything. Oh yeah, because my doctor and the nurses said, eat for two. And I'm like, wow, eat for two. Sure. That's great. because all my life I only can eat like for half but eat for three quarters you know and I really whacked I really eat for two you took it to the fullest extent so only towards the end my doctor was like you know Rebecca I told you to eat for two but I meant like an adult and a baby not two grown adults so I enjoyed the entire pregnancy but the delivery was the start of the oh yeah the the nasty parts of motherhood that I was not prepared for.

45:49It was so painful. The recovery was so painful. And because I've always been very independent, I like to do things myself. I don't like other people to do things for me. During the recovery, I couldn't even walk to the toilet properly. And I mean, the next day in the hospital, a nurse had to shower me. Oh my gosh, like I would not have imagined that. You felt reduced to this state. Yeah, and I'm like,

46:13Rachel Lim: Oh dear, what did I get myself into? May I ask if this was a C-section? No, it was a natural delivery. So even then, a natural delivery, everyone was like, oh, you're going to start walking the next day. But I couldn't. So I was like, what is wrong with me? If everyone could get off the bed on day two and the supposed recovery was supposed to be so much faster than C-section, why can't I do it? So even from day two already, I was like, why am I lagging behind? what am I not doing right what happened wrong you know and I've never been like that before then before then I'm like okay I'll just tomorrow will be better it's okay thank God for the day tomorrow will be better but that was when I started to have all these very very negative thoughts and even our first family photo as a family a lot of I see a lot of content on social media they look so beautiful on the hospital bed and then they share oh welcome our baby to the world I'm like how how how do you look beautiful yeah it was it was a shocking

47:29revelation for me yeah and getting back to shape you know and you're feeling so terrible all the time you're perspiring

47:42you're panting all the time just out of the shower you can finally shower you know after your confinement and after the shower you're perspiring again you smell like milk smell like saliva like you don't feel sexy at all you know you feel horrible

47:57Rachel Lim: you feel like don't touch me no one comes to visit me nobody know nothing I was in that state for quite a long time and quite a long time you mean a couple of months a couple of months yeah yeah only the very very very close friends like one or two um would come and even sometimes when family came I was like I'm sorry you all just don't mind yourselves I just need to sleep yeah I can imagine all that physical changes your major changes you're going through plus hormonal and you know and you also breastfed yeah yeah how did you get through that after that and did things improve from there on or things definitely improved um and i think the only solution to all that is time i i just took my time and um not that i consciously took my time but it just needed time i just needed time to get to a better space, get to a better mindset.

49:03Didn't happen overnight. And yeah, now I'm in a relatively healthier mental space.

49:13Rachel Lim: How long was your maternity leave? And how soon after did you have to go back to work? The first job that I took up after giving birth was two months. Two months after giving birth? That was for the Star Awards. Yeah. And then my first hosting gig was four months after I gave birth for the second season of With Love Backs. Yeah. So that was tough. Yeah. The Star Awards was tough. The hosting gig was tough because you are constantly face-to-face with all your female colleagues who look absolutely wonderfully gorgeous. You know? I mean, you just gave birth. Yeah, but you forget that. Because you're in a situation where you have to look good, but you don't.

50:02Yeah, but you don't. And you cannot give yourself the excuse, oh, because I just gave birth. Thinking everybody will understand. Because there are people who gave birth after one month and they look wonderful. You know, but it's been two months. Why do I still look like that? Why can't I find a dress to fit into? You know, so these were the struggles that I was having deep down. and also I was still a relatively new breastfeeding mom. So after doing my hand and makeup, I had to rush up to level nine of the TV station to pump and then come down, you know, smelling of milk and everything.

50:40Rachel Lim: So it was a bad experience for me. I remember you briefly sharing with me also that particular Star Awards. What was it like for you when you went through that? and you had to show up I had to it wasn't like I had to I mean I guess I could take MC on hindsight your 6th MC in 20 years no but it wasn't me to do something like that and it was I mean Star Awards is really a night where we celebrate the local entertainment industry and I wanted to be there to I mean I wasn't nominated at anything but to celebrate my colleagues you know the production crew and everyone who has been working so hard while I was just at home eating for two so that was my mindset going to it but I did not I underestimated the stress that I would have to have to turn up and to look good for the event and on hindsight I feel silly You know, being so pressured by that event Because I really did just give birth two months ago And I shouldn't have had to be so harsh on myself Yes Yeah, but you learn, you learn You know, Bex, I think a lot of us moms We also go through mom guilt And constantly feel like, oh, are we doing enough?

52:11Rachel Lim: Are we good enough? You know, are we giving our child the best environment or anything, right? Do you also feel that mom guilt and constantly feeling like, oh no, am I missing moments, milestones? And how do you navigate all of that? Initially, when I first started filming this long-form English drama, so it took nine months, we just wrapped. Congrats. Thank you. So when I started it, my son was about maybe seven months old. The first two weeks of filming, I would be crying actually every day during lunch. Because during lunchtime, I would be pumping in the room by myself, having lunch by myself.

52:57And it's not because I was alone that I was crying. It was more because I didn't feel 100 % at work. I don't know whether you experienced the brain fog. After giving birth.

53:09Rachel Lim: Yes, for sure. Yeah, the brain fog. I could not memorize my lines as well as I did.

53:16And physically, you don't look 100%. So physically and mentally, you're not 100 % at work. And then while I'm at work, I don't feel 100 % of a mother because I'm leaving my son at home.

53:30Rachel Lim: So I'm not here, not there. I felt terrible. Yeah, so I felt guilty and inadequate as an actor and as a mother then. But it took a few months for me to slowly get back into the swing of things. And I really had to consciously make an effort to remind myself to be 100 % present wherever I am. I think that's what motherhood has taught me to be a hundred percent present so when I'm at work I'm a hundred percent I don't think about my kid I'm not one of those moms that look at the CCTV or anything I've never actually looked at my CCTV because I just want to focus at my work and then when I'm at home I leave my phone away sometimes my manager is calling me so many times I'm like I'm so sorry because my phone wasn't with me because I'm spending time with my son and it has helped me me so much because being at work and being 100 % there, I'm recharging and refueling myself so that when I go home, I can be 100 % with my son.

54:43If I'm neither here nor there, I will forever be a 50 % mother, 50 % actor. And that has helped me find my new equilibrium in my life as a mom.

54:56Rachel Lim: I love that because it's really also about being fully present wherever you're at. It's just like you. You have so many hats to wear. But every time I see you, you're very present. Yeah, and that's something that I'm still working at and I'll have to learn from you. We all are. And thank you for sharing, Bex. Because I think it's also a real struggle and to hear it from you and to also for us to know that, okay, you know, Bex also, you do have to find a way to have to navigate that end. I love how you phrase it, like finding your new equilibrium and just embracing this new season that we're in with the roles that we play as well.

55:35Yeah. And before being a mom, you know, you always have this mindset or this concept that time waits for no one. But you're like, yeah, I know, time flies, you know, the older we get, the faster time flies, but nothing hits you more on the face when you see a baby growing up and looking so different every few days.

55:53Rachel Lim: Yes. And then you are really like, Time really flies. And new milestones before you know it. How has your definition of success or fulfillment or happiness in life changed and evolved? So success to me now, not to belittle all the awards that I've won before, but I'm restarting already. So those were great. They served me well for before I was a mother. but now I thank you very much for my past but now I want to work towards new successes and new milestones to celebrate. My new achievements, my new challenges that I am to overcome, I'm excited for those moments instead of being terrified about them because just something in me has changed.

56:51Rachel Lim: Yes. And do you think that came with motherhood? I think yes because before that like I told you I don't think about things you know because everything's me me me me me you know I don't have to think about someone else it's true so motherhood has really made me a lot less selfish and I've and I've realised that about mothers around me they are so selfless not only towards their child but to the people around them like after I became pregnant I have a new group of mother friends they have been so generous in sharing you know tips what to buy, what not to buy. And it's just something within us that just wants the people around us to be better.

57:32And at the same time, we want to be better for the people that we love.

57:37Rachel Lim: And motherhood really expanded your world and everything in it. Do you think you will try for a second? If you asked me one year ago, I'll say, no, are you crazy? Are you out of your mind? but now I'm like maybe we'll see we'll see one thing I wanted to touch on was also like just know you shared with us the pressure that you face during your pregnancy and postpartum and because in your industry especially you are judged for how you look how has your definition of beauty evolved and does it still affect you so much today my definition of beauty when i was first starting out in the industry was just to be as slim as possible and to look like everyone else yeah i wanted to just look like everyone else and i would um i would scrutinize myself in the mirror and be like my one eye is bigger than the other you know um my nose is not as um high as the others around me and there was a lot of um unnecessary self-critic but um as the years went by and like i said and again um because i've surrounded myself with good people yeah um they've really reminded me to embrace who i am and to age gracefully, you know.

59:13In a situation or in an environment where there's so much emphasis on how you look. Yes. The most important thing is to, yeah, to age gracefully. Yeah, and they always, you know, your heart reflects your face. Yeah. And as cliche as it sounds, if you have good thoughts, yeah, how bad can you look? It shines through. Yeah, and I feel like you are the epitome of that to me. I try. I try my best to age gracefully and it's very pressurizing, I would say. And it's also very tempting. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yes. Many times I thought of, you know, taking a shortcut and, you know, looking better immediately

59:58Rachel Lim: because you're so tempted to look better. And not only because of that, but because of what people say about you. You know, people say, maybe you should do this to your face. Maybe you should this. Maybe you should change your name. Maybe you should remove the mole on your face. Blah, blah, blah. So many things are being said about you all the time. And even sometimes when you look your best with makeup and hair, after three hours on a glam chair, you go for an event, people are like, yo, you look so tired. I'm like, are you kidding me? I thought I look beautiful and now you say I look tired. And then yourself at the same time is like, Oh no.

1:00:38Yeah, so it eats into you. And I'll say that sense of insecurity, I believe will never go away because it's just been there and you're constantly exposed. But what's important is how you snap out of it and how you remind yourself that, you know, you are enough. You don't need to look like someone else. But if you want to do anything at all to your face, If it makes you feel better, why not? You know, but don't, I never ever criticize how other people look. Because I've always been criticized for how I look since I was a kid. And I know how that feels.

1:01:19Rachel Lim: So I never ever do that. Having gone through everything that you've gone through also, you know, the ups and downs of the journey. What would you say to younger Bex when she was just starting out on this journey? Bright eye, innocent, and excited for the road ahead and knowing everything that you know.

1:01:47Wow. I would say don't be distracted in wanting to be that shooting star in the sky. They may shine the brightest, but don't underestimate the star that has always been there, shining sometimes not so brightly, sometimes very brightly, sometimes hidden by the clouds, more often than not, overshadowed by the shooting star, but be that star that's always lighting up the sky. Yeah. It's easy to be a shooting star in this day and age now.

1:02:30Rachel Lim: Yeah. Just there. Wow, bright. but the longevity I feel that's what matters it's so beautiful and in this season of your life what are some non-negotiable boundaries that you have learned to draw I've learned to treasure my peace a lot more so if something comes along and it's disrupting that I can very easily one year in, one year out. Yes. I'll be like, thank you, but bye-bye. You know. And that may rub some people the wrong way because they've been so used to the everything yes facts. Yeah. But I'm learning to draw boundaries and to say no. Yeah. It's difficult, but I'm learning to say no. And I'm learning only when I'm close to 40, you know.

1:03:28So I admire all the young people who have the courage and the bravery to draw boundaries when they're young. I wish I was able to do that but I believe I had to go through everything. Yeah. And it's just my character, you know, so, but never too late. Never too late.

1:03:43Rachel Lim: Lex, what do you think, you know, as we also wrap up, what do you think has been the hardest lesson that life has taught you or life has been trying to teach you in this journey? The hardest lesson.

1:04:01listen to your instincts yeah listen to your instincts the many times when i've been in a position where everyone's telling you no no no no no please don't for your own good don't but there's this stubbornness within me that i'm like the more you say no the more i'm gonna prove to you i can but also something deep inside that gut is telling me you know what they're right but it's just because i want to prove people wrong that i go ahead and most of the time it ends badly or i fall into a terrible position um so yeah listen to your gut and listen to your parents they are much wiser than we are yes and my mom always say i told you I always hate it when my mom tells me, I told you.

1:05:00Rachel Lim: I hope your son listens to this episode one day and also feels the same. Yeah, I'm going to play to him every single day. Repeat. Repeat. Listen to your parents. It's one and a half, but I'm just going to play. That part. But what are you looking forward to in this season of your life, this stage that you're in? I'm excited about everything. Yeah. Yeah. I love by the way that Bex that you're not jaded by life you're not by anything that's true maybe I should be please don't you have really gone through low points in your life and yet you are still hopeful still positive I would say of course I have bad days yeah I'm not like positive every single day I do have bad days and that's that's human you know but I really am excited about everything you know small things make me excited now I used to think that I need something big like a big project or a big movie you know or blockbuster drama to make me excited but no you know small things make me excited like going to pick my son up that excites me bringing him to the beach and I hate the beach but I don't know why now the beach excites me so small things small things excite me like even date night with my husband or a stroll around the neighbourhood, you know, excites me.

1:06:25Going for morning breakfast with my mum excites me. Meeting up my sister to have play date with my niece excites me. And actually, I realise everything that I mentioned is all about family.

1:06:36Rachel Lim: Yeah, so... That is very telling. So I think, yeah. Yeah, of what truly matters also at the end of the day. Is there something, a project coming up that we can all also look forward to and you talked about maybe some of the nine-month filming that you had earlier. So that English drama will be premiering January 2026. So that will be my first acting sort of a comeback after a break for three years. And then I'll be on the big screens next year. Amazing. So that's something else that I'm excited about. Yes, yes. That's really amazing. and lastly Bex you know if you could have a message on the billboards of the biggest cities in the world what would your message say and why this is such a good one I would say just treasure the ones you love yeah yeah thank you so much Bex for sharing a part of yourself with us and being so real so relatable and so genuine I mean, we really love being with you, watching you.

1:07:53I love being with you, Rach. Like really, really, really.

1:07:56Rachel Lim: Yeah. Thank you so much for also coming to share with us. And we're so excited for what's to come for you. It's going to be great. And so excited to also watch you evolve into the woman that you're becoming. That's so inspiring to all of us. So thank you, Bex. And thank you for providing the safe space for me to do something like that. And you know, I'm a fan of your podcast, right? I show you, right? I listen to all your podcasts. so yeah thank you so much thank you for that yeah