S3E4: Running as a Spiritual Practice

0:05Welcome to the MEP podcast, where I'll be exploring the intersection of sport and spirituality through a variety of practices that ultimately invite us to learn, grow, and connect. I believe that through movement and mindfulness, we can create an awareness within that will allow us to integrate as individuals and connect more deeply to our mind, body, and spirit, together navigating a way to the way. All right, welcome to this long overdue episode where I'm going to be talking about running as a spiritual practice. and I thought about making a bunch of notes about this but decided to just sort of let it rip and see what comes up as I'm going.

0:46I actually attempted this yesterday and I had a bunch of notes and the recording went terribly so bad I will never post it but it was a good learning experience. So this episode is really going to be about how can we sort of relate to running or cycling or endurance sports and kind of anything in general as a spiritual practice and kind of diving into what I've learned over the last couple years myself as this has evolved from sort of running away from my problems to running inward, running towards myself and learning about myself along the way and along the journey and really this started to shift a ton for me at the beginning of this year.

1:32So just as a, some context, I guess, you know, a lot of people talk about running is like therapy or running is their meditation. And at least for me, and I'm not saying like, I have the final word on this by any means, but I would say that running itself is not meditation. I would say that meditation is sort of a specific practice with a specific intention. and there's lots of sort of other practices that are meditative and running can be meditative meditative qualities but i wouldn't say that running is meditation and you know if you think that running is your therapy running can help you feel better and running with groups and people you care about can be therapeutic.

2:25But again, similarly, running really is not therapy, unless you're literally running with your therapist and talking about everything and going through the process of self exploration and sharing and self discovery. So that's kind of my take on those things. And I think that's fine. Different things serve different purposes and, um, you know, something that sort of can span across all of these areas, whether it's meditation or therapy or running or whatever other sort of practice is sort of a contemplative approach to things. And really that's kind of at the core of what running as a spiritual practice is, uh, from, from my experience anyways.

3:15Um, you know, one of the key things about making running a spiritual practice is understanding why you're running and and setting a very clear and explicit intention you know running itself is natural and beautiful and freeing and if we never think about it and never think about what it means and how it feels and how we relate to it that can be completely okay you know our why can also be I want to feel healthier. I want to be able to run 5k. I want to lose 10 pounds or more. I want to be more in connection with the community and join a run group. These are all totally valid and beautiful whys for running.

4:04It's usually the more sort of unconscious whys like proving something to our dad or our parents or an ex or things like that that drive us to run and potentially run marathons and more than likely run anything longer than a marathon or run more than a marathon a year. You know, I think that you could make a pretty good argument that running a marathon is not actually that healthy. But the journey to running a marathon can be extremely healthy and it can be a huge catalyst for changing your lifestyle and making healthier choices around what you're eating and going to sleep and what you're doing at nighttime and all sorts of things like that.

4:50Connecting with a like-minded group with shared values, let alone the actual experience of running. Most of the training could definitely be considered healthy, but running an actual marathon puts a huge stress on the body and can be very tough and requires some serious preparation and also some very intentional recovery, which unfortunately is missing a lot of the time from that journey. So with MEP and myself more and more, not to say that it's better or worse, but bringing more and more intentional awareness to what we're doing, why we're doing it and that goes as far as like a four-month training block towards the half ironman or a marathon or the run that we're doing today you know and the micro of the run that we're doing today the the intention can be a lot more sort of granular in terms of the performance and the goal that you're setting out for in terms of running intervals or doing a long run you know be a very sort of practical why to that sort of specific why am I doing this run today and it's to you know aim at this goal for the race in three months or four months and you know then it's like well why am I even doing the race right and it's kind of like once we look beyond that that's when the questions start to get a lot more real and you know what am I hoping for what is it that I'm hoping to get or feel once I achieve that goal.

6:29Because if we're not clear on that, then we just keep moving the goal. And that can take us away from enjoying the process. And lots of people talk about the process, you know, but I think that there's still a huge lack and challenge to stay very present with each day. And I know I've had a big challenge with that myself as well. and it goes back for years now really so this has been a process of cultivating a deeper understanding of how I relate to the thing to to the running to the racing to the to the training you know like something I talk a lot about with clients I work with and on retreats and and everything is like it's never the thing it's how you relate to it so that's really where you make the transformational change is how you're relating to the thing you're doing.

7:19And so in this case, we're talking about running and running a bit as a catch all for all sorts of endurance sports and endeavors. And you could really apply it to almost anything else too. But running as a spiritual practice seemed like probably the simplest and most catchy title for the podcast episode to, to share and hopefully get people to listen to it. Um, you know, partially because I think it can be a really beautiful and powerful way to start to relate and approach your own running and also to potentially pique your interest and think about coming out for one of the MEP programs next year we're going to be doing a four-month triathlon program in the spring and a four-month marathon program in the fall and then we're going to have a couple of retreats as well cycling retreats, running retreat.

8:08And so definitely some exciting opportunities to kind of dive deep into this and ultimately sort of have a deeper understanding and embodiment of who you are. And so that's, you know, really why I think running is a beautiful and almost optimal opportunity and medium for this sort of exploration and practice as a sort of spiritual practice. And I guess when I'm talking about a spiritual practice, I'm really talking about the process of self-realization, realizing and embodying who you are, what you are, what your gifts are, and cultivating a deep sense of feeling what that is, what that truth is, which really has to be felt, you know, and so movement and, and that is a great way to become more embodied, you know, dance, yoga, running, whatever, any of these practices can be incredibly potent and powerful and profound embodiment practices.

9:14They can also not be that at all. If we're not bringing that sort of awareness and intention to them, we can just beat the crap out of our body. We can abuse it almost we can you know really get further and further away from maybe who we are and understanding what what that means and what that feels like so again it's really important how we're relating to it and so really again this podcast is about re-looking at sort of how we're going to relate to our experience and practice of running. And so some of the ways that this has kind of shifted and changed for me, you know, once I could get clear on the why, you know, and that initially was sort of like exposing the unconscious why of essentially proving that I am good enough.

10:07You know, if I could get this time or look a certain way or have these shoes, then I would be good enough and then there would be peace internally but that was really challenged by a handful of experiences that were really quite interesting one of them was this spring we were doing a half marathon program for a couple months and there was a four or five guys in the group that were pretty competitive around a similar time and we did a 10k time trial one day And so everyone kind of had their own goal that would sort of track towards what their race goal was going to be. And so we set off that day for the 10K time trial.

10:48And I think I came fourth maybe or fifth out of the group, which was really challenging to the sort of ego and its belief that I needed to be better than in order to be good enough. while at the same time I hit the goal that I was aiming for pretty comfortably and so there was this sort of paradox of like I hit the goal that puts me perfectly on track for my own individual journey and at the same time the sort of relativity of coming fourth or fifth out of the top four or five guys in the group really sort of challenged that belief challenging my own journey challenging being present with running my own race, you know, so to speak.

11:37And so that started to really crack something open for me. And I was like, well, why is this so challenging? Why, if I know that this is the time I'm aiming for, is it so confronting when I'm, you know, not the top of this tiny group of people relative to the world? And, you know, I sort of uncovered this belief that I need to be better than, you know, kind of an ambiguous, vague, non like specific number of people. And that kind of tracked back to my brother. And, uh, when I was about a year and a half, my younger brother was born and that was like one of the biggest traumatic experiences of my life.

12:23And so really one of the sort of wounds that that sort of created in within me was that I always needed to be better than him and then maybe I would be good enough and so that was the way I sort of lived a lot of my life and related to him unfortunately which I think prevented us from having potentially a deeper connection and closer relationship and not that we weren't close but you know this was also compounded by the fact that one of the best ways that him and I related to each other and felt connected was through sports. And so sports obviously is very competitive and we played a lot of one-on-one basketball, a lot of one-on-one wiffle ball, um, played, you know, soccer together.

13:13We played everything together basically because we were so close in age and I was a little bit bigger and stronger most of the time, but he was also a really talented athlete. And so, yeah, it was very, uh, very competitive. And, um, you know, for the most part, like I was maybe due to age and size, but maybe also due to skills in certain sports, like better than he was at the time. And so there wasn't too many areas where that really got rocked, but one of them was in golf. And so we were both like super into golf when we were like 10, 11, 12 years old. and it was really interesting because that was the sport where he was clearly better than me there was no sort of debating it or arguing it and so it would be sort of like all the pent-up shame and frustration and anger that I wasn't really expressing would just get bottled up and I would be out on the golf course and my brother would be you know just seemingly floating along the course beating me and I would you know put a shot in the water and then the next shot in the bunker and you know a couple shots in a row that went a bit errant and I would just absolutely lose it I would be yelling and crying I would throw a club I would be swearing like it was just a sort of a perfect storm of my younger brother being better than me me making mistakes and then probably being kind of out in the middle of the forest that I was able to just like absolutely let loose and um you know most of the time it was pretty harmless but there was times when people were around and that kind of increased this sort of shame that I was already feeling in that moment um unfortunately so golf uh didn't last too much longer for me past those early teens and I I probably have only played a couple times in the last decade or two.

15:15But an interesting experience of what sport can bring up on a much deeper level. And of course, I've only recognized this now, sort of 25, 30 years later. But the same sort of feelings would sort of come up, and it would stir this sort of unease and discomfort and bring up this feeling of shame where I had sort of realized, you know, everything I've tried to do is to avoid the feeling of shame. um and so this relative relatively coming last was was quite challenging and so that's actually also come up um with the triathlon team this season we've got four guys on the team and it's a really strong group um and one of the guys i already knew is much stronger than me but the other two guys you know i wasn't totally sure and we've been pretty close here and there on different aspects and whatnot.

16:10But it's really interesting to have this similar type of experience where I could be doing relative to me and my journey and my fitness great and really feeling good and hitting certain marks and performing in a way that I feel great about. And then as soon as I look around and I'm like, oh, I'm fourth out of these four guys, it's like oh man there comes that feeling of not being good enough and um yeah it's pretty funny because actually as i've been talking about this we actually we have our big half iron man race this coming weekend and one of the guys he's gonna be way out ahead of me to start the race uh well a couple of the guys but one of the guys i thought maybe i could beat and uh i almost had given up on on beating him because he's going to start much faster because of the rolling swim and you know swim much faster and and then probably ride faster and I'm like oh there's no way I'll be able to catch him but it's funny because I just realized like technically I could still have a faster time I would just be starting later and finishing later even if I never saw him on the race which is um I actually didn't even realize that was possible so that's actually just another way that the mind can really sort of twist things and ultimately get in the way of the process of being present and you know there's sort of a mix here because if we're aware of this and we can see what's coming up then that is very much using running or a sport as a spiritual practice because what is the spiritual practice um you know i kind of touched on it earlier but essentially we have there's this sort of involution and evolution we have this divine nature and then we have our human nature and it's really the reconciliation of these two natures that's what leads to that self-realization and so the human nature is kind of what's been distorted by our conditioning and the traumas we felt and being confused and trying to make sense of things and the ego coming in the picture and getting in the way versus the divine nature which is you know the sort of eternal unlimited potential of abundant consciousness and love and part of us that moves from life to life and continues to learn and grow and go on all sorts of adventures and so you know it's as that involution of that higher truer nature comes deeper and deeper into our humanity into our cells into our nervous system it starts to sort of purge and transmute and bring up the sort of karma from our lifetime and whatever we've brought into this lifetime.

18:54And so that's kind of the process. So, you know, having all this stuff stirred up is exactly what it's meant to do when we're using it as a practice. And then that can be quite uncomfortable, but, um, you know, that started happening for me more so when I wasn't aware of it versus when I started to become more aware of this material being here and the fear that was sort of blocking me from feeling it and also from performing in sport and racing at a higher sort of level. One of the guys that I've run with a bunch, you know, I really noticed like he would race very fearlessly. And I was like, wow, that's just like not my experience.

19:37And I kind of was like, I want to race more fearlessly like him, because it looked more fun. And, you I knew racing from sort of fear, fear of things falling apart, fear of getting injured, fear of not hitting the time. All of that is just very constricting and limiting and sort of chokes the sort of vitality and life force from our bodies, which obviously is not going to contribute to a better performance. So that was really interesting to sort of be aware of within myself. and have a sort of more inspiring race experience reflected to me by one of my friends. So one of the things I started doing this spring was I would basically do a little bit of activating breath work, and then I would take a microdose, and then I would go on the treadmill.

20:35And I would specifically do this when I had hard workouts, So like threshold intervals, maybe really hard for a few minutes, maybe like five to 10 minutes or even like longer, like 30, 40 minute sort of sub threshold race pace, uh, sessions. And I honestly just really like these types of sessions anyways. And so I would sort of go into this, you know, the microdose essentially sort of opening up the body a little bit more and then the first 20-30 minutes of the run really sort of feeling into the body and just noticing what comes up so really intentionally being open to whatever's there fear and then beyond whatever's there so I go on the treadmill I usually put on like the darkest sunglasses I have and almost try to like just drop in you know on the treadmill you don't have to think about cars or potholes or the route or anything like that.

21:36And then the glasses kind of help you come more inward, just like, you know, a lot of medicine journeys, people would wear like eye masks or on a breathwork journey, use eye masks to help kind of go inward. And then after, you know, yeah, 30, 40, 50 minutes, usually there's some pretty profound insights. And I might start this by listening to a gene key or maybe asking a question or just being really open to whatever is present and is going to come up. And that's the sort of like contemplative approach is like, what could be here? What is this? What could this shadow mean? What could this sort of thing mean?

22:11And, you know, the gene keys are, are very helpful in this because they give us our own profile and sort of, it gives us, you know, our specific sort of core wound. It shows us some of our specific shadows, maybe in the emotional body, in the physical body and in the mental body so we can kind of bring our awareness to recognize these patterns that have manifested when we're in that sort of fear state so if we can initially feel the fear and be with it and notice it and just allow it usually that sort of gives way to sort of a deeper illumination and insight and i found that i almost felt more energized and better after all of these runs which was really interesting and usually I like to finish these runs off with doing a shavasana so just laying out a mat beside the treadmill and then just take spending five or ten minutes and just kind of letting all the dust settle and really just listening to the body and kind of letting whatever came up like integrate you know that's like such an important part of the sort of somatic embodiment practice and running as a practice is that it it connects us to the body and then doing the hard intervals takes us to that precipice of that sort of doorway a lot faster and then from there if we're not knowing that we're going there to knock on that door and potentially open it you know we can do that you know gently and lovingly and curiously and from that place it's a lot more pleasant because we're not resisting it or fighting it or trying to avoid it and you know many things in our lives are going to take us to that space anyways but endurance sport always does you know like i like to ask the guys on the teams and then the programs like when you get to that spot you know and you're like why am i doing this do you have an answer you know and so for me that bigger why has really been about like i said the sort of self-realization and embodiment and so the deeper i sort of go into this that's what all these racing experiences are about and the training is all about and it's really sort of this beautiful give and take the sort of discipline in the masculine and the yang of the doing and the setting up and following the training and then the total surrender of curiosity to whatever sort of feminine wisdom might come through and that could be you know insights around you know childhood experiences that sort of connect dots about why i might feel certain ways when or what might be triggering me but you can also use it for um like creative solutions you know i find the more you can sort of surrender to the body and let it lead you and bring your awareness there that's ultimately like when you're going to be able to receive like wisdom.

25:09There's a quote I've heard a few times, definitely in the Gene Keys sort of environment, but it's like it says God can only visit you when you're not there. And so that's kind of the idea is like the ego itself takes a back seat because we're just very present with the experience and we're observing it and feeling it. And that's when the sort of wisdom can come through and our intuition can be heard more clearly. And so that's what the practice of running for me has become. And I don't, you know, if I'm going on four or five runs in a week, potentially, I'm not doing this every run. This might be something I do one or two runs a week where I'm really kind of carving it out for that and making that the intention.

25:58and the sort of secondary intention is the sort of training adaptation but the training actually always goes better and always feels better and i can always go faster the more i sort of go into it ready to confront whatever fear is there um and for me some of that has really been around like running fast and maybe getting injured or blowing up or whatever the case and so I did a half marathon race after our program about four weeks later and I was like you know what I'm gonna like just run into the fear and see what happens and I think I ran the the program that we did for a couple months I ran the half marathon and about 128 and my goal is under 130 so that was great I was stoked and it was a beautiful experience beautiful shared experience with the team.

26:56So then four weeks later, we, a few of us were going to run another one. And it was just like, I felt a sense of freedom. There was this sort of internalized pressure. And I kind of went into it really embracing this practice that I've been sharing, this kind of like protocol that I'm also going to make a little video to share so you can sort of give it a try yourself. And even on the race day, I took a microdose and fueled and got there really early and I was just like I'm gonna just go out at like 125 pace and you know kind of prepared to like blow up mile 8 9 10 and you know if I had to like walk it in okay but like I wanted to like meet that limit as much as I could and you know really put myself in that position because I I just had never done it.

27:48And, um, it was really interesting. It was definitely a hard race. Um, but I did manage to hang on for the most part and I finished it and I think just about one 26 or so, um, maybe even less. And so it was like pretty crazy to see, you know, four weeks later, um, like a two plus minute improvement on the, on that distance. And, you know, you definitely can't put that to the training. Like that's such a significant difference at that time that it was just really interesting and really illuminating in terms of like, wow, if you can just really embrace the fear and come back to just being so present in the breath that it can really, you know, unlock something.

28:32And so that really has become a staple of my sort of practice and how I approach running and racing. And, you know, it's, it's interesting because I do think racing is, you know, I think for me in this, you know, connects into my gene keys as well in my sphere of attraction. Um, it's, I have gene key number 51 and this one specifically talks about the human competition, you know, and in the shadow, it's that sort of comparison to others. And it's like all about relative performance and the competition. And then, you know, so that's like the shadowy experience, which I kind of shared earlier. And that still comes up with the triathlon team now is like, oh yeah I'm swimming great but I'm not nowhere near this guy or I'm running all right but like this guy just smoked me on the last weekend workout that we did or you know you can really get caught up in that whether it's the group you're with or on Strava or on Instagram it's uh you know our culture has really set us up to be challenged by this and so if I can move that into the sort of higher expression of that same jinky it's still competition but it's competition with sort of myself and like what's possible and what can I do and what you know this kind of open-ended exploration of competition but doing it in my own unique way and seeing where that takes me and so that's so much more fun and liberating um and also challenging to get to because as much as I know like it doesn't matter what my time is and nobody else cares um you know there is still either that sort of karma within me that pulls me into that more shadowy way of thinking about it and the ego you know wants to make sure that I'm good enough and safe and accepted and so it can still attach to to that experience at times and so it's all about catching it you know and coming back and remembering the why and resting in that and then just allowing the experience and accepting the feelings and then sort of trusting the unfolding of whatever is happening and so yeah it's quite challenging and one of the things i think is really interesting about racing as well is like you know it takes a level of commitment and devotion and you set out that goal or you sign up for the race and depending on how much awareness you bring to it you're going to have some goal it's going to be either a unconscious goal or hope or expectation or it's going to be a very explicit goal and you're going to aim for that and you know ultimately i've kind of kind of realized like that's really important and i really encourage people in the program when we're doing racing is like be really clear about what that goal is and devote yourself to it completely completely and that can mean different things for everybody that can mean like trust listening to your body and trusting the program trusting the run workouts that are written or trusting that you need a day off even though it says that there's a workout that's written so that really brings up different things for different people you know lots of people as well they don't want to commit to something because there's fear that if they say i need to run sub 130 for a half marathon and then they run 131, 132, that it's going to be devastating.

32:04And, you know, no one will ever want anything to do with them again. And so setting those goals can be really challenging. And, you know, I've confronted that this season as well because last year doing the Half Ironman, I had a very wishy-washy in terms of like conscious goal of going sub five hours. but it was really uneducated. It was really like uninformed. Uninformed is probably a better word. Like I just thought that would be a good time. It seems like the sub three for the marathon, you know, it's like this kind of benchmark. And, um, but I really didn't like plan my training around it.

32:47I really didn't like do anything that would actually bring that into fruition. And then And I set out on the course and was having like, you know, not a horrible race, but not great, not great. And coming off the bike, I already knew that goal was kind of slipping away. But I started to like experience some physical pain, which was really due to like a lot of constriction and fear. That was just devastating. And I could barely run. The run took me two hours and 10 minutes. And I was anticipating it to be more like an hour and 35 minutes. So that's a pretty big time difference. And so as I've been getting ready for this race, on paper, everything is looking a lot better.

33:31It's a lot more informed. But I've been noticing a lot of fear around something happening that the race just goes sideways and I just can't even run or I can't even, I'm just like walking, you know, or something like that. and it's almost like PTSD from the last race and so it's really challenged me to to surrender and um I was really kind of wishy-washy about setting a goal at the beginning because I just saw this fear was coming up but you know inspired by the other guy that I was like you know what I'm gonna like I'm gonna look at my actual data look at like where I'm at right now and see what's realistic and then I'm going to go for it.

34:15And so I did that and it turns out it's about the same goal as last year, which is actually kind of funny. But now it's just I've actually spent three and a half months like making good choices or maybe even a lack of making choices to get myself to that point. And so we have the goal setting and the devotion to it, which is the absolute catalyst for this journey. And it helps us get there. And then come race day for somebody in my situation and anyone who's really trying, there's not going to be winning it, you know, is like, now can I let go of that goal completely, you know? And that to me has actually been so challenging.

35:00It's like, I set this goal and it's informed so many decisions to bring me along this path, you know? And yet now, five days away, it's like, let go of it, right? And this idea of letting go is really interesting. And it's sometimes very challenging because it's not something we can do. And I sort of had this insight, which was that it was really tied into acceptance. And then, not coincidentally, I found a chapter in Aaron Abke's book about acceptance and letting go. And he really articulates this amazingly well, where essentially you have to both need to happen at the same time, acceptance and letting go.

35:45And so I was having a really hard time letting go of my goal, because if I let go of that goal, and then I finished in five hours and 30 minutes or something, that would still poke at that wound of shame which is telling me that i'm not good enough or i lack something or or something in that realm so in realizing like i actually just have to accept myself as i am that in concert with letting go of the race goal is how that can happen. And this has really just started to unfold for me in the last week, which has been super interesting. Uh, and I had a deep meditation yesterday where there was this felt sense of acceptance, um, which allowed a deeper sense of letting go and grieving a lot of sadness and really felt this shift.

36:47And today I went for my last swim in the pool and um I just was like swimming and just feeling like oh I can't wait for the race I can't wait to see what's gonna happen I can't wait to see what's possible and it was the first time I feel like I felt that so clearly where there wasn't like on the back end uh this bad thing could happen or like this could happen it was just like I don't know what's gonna happen but I've prepared myself really as best as I could I think I think I really did a great job of following the program and being committed to the process and being disciplined and and all the other things that come with that you know supporting the group and the team and bringing the brand partners and trying to communicate and be transparent with my my wife and my family about what's going on and what I need and also being there to, you know, support and be a present parent, you know, in the past it would be nice to do a three hour workout and then have a couple hours to lie on the couch with the Norma Techs on and watch a football game.

37:59But, um, you know, after that it's like, all right, slam a recovery smoothie and time for chasing and Legos or whatever. And, you know, that's fun stuff but it's also tough to you know recover totally well when that's the case too so embracing and accepting the whole journey the whole picture everything that sort of leads into this and so you know as of right now i do feel pretty at peace going into the race um but it's also who knows you know i think last year i went in just getting increasingly stressed out for about three weeks before the race this time almost my biggest goal is like cultivate as much calm peace as possible before the race especially now like there's no more real training that's going to boost any sort of performance so it's like how much stress can you alleviate choices made easy um all that kind of stuff and it's still going to be a lot of nerves and excitement and and all that so yeah i'm really excited for it um whatever happens you know i feel so much more peace even today than i did yesterday or the day before and so just continuing to cultivate that and you know i think that that is kind of like a huge you know it's a bit of a paradox but ultimately like especially racing as a spiritual practice and i think racing just sort of intensifies and amplifies running as a practice like running just for running is great too but i personally do love the competition i love the putting yourself in those situations and i think that most people would benefit from doing it it really is challenging but also allows you to grow and reach heights that you probably wouldn't reach otherwise and push yourself to places you probably wouldn't go otherwise.

40:01And, you know, I've kind of realized that my life is certainly about that, um, relatively speaking. And so, yeah, you kind of have this, this two part piece to it is like committing to something and absolutely devoting yourself to that in the most holistic way possible, the most curious contemplative way possible seeing what comes up and then along the way how deeply can you accept yourself accept how your body feels accept how the workout went accept how the training block is going accept the other life circumstances and from there be able to let go of any attachment or outcome because you know attachments and outcomes are one of the ego is sort of main things to grab onto, which is going to cause suffering if that outcome, you know, doesn't come to fruition.

41:04And even if it does, more often than not, we just move the goalposts, right? So, you know, that can happen financially. Oh, I need to make$100 ,000. No, now I need to make$150 ,000. Now I need to, you know, and it's like people follow that cycle on and on and on forever. But they do it with running too. And so it's not bad to try and improve and grow and learn, but if it's coupled with our identity and who we think we are and the value that we sort of bring or what people think of us, then it's not going to be ultimately great. So if anything, running as a spiritual practice, racing as a spiritual practice, is a beautiful way to crack open that belief to see the deeper truth and the reality that it really has nothing to do with who I am.

42:00Like what I do has nothing to do with who I am. How I feel actually has nothing to do with who I am. And who I am in that truest sense of it is completely separate. There's nothing that can make that good or bad or not good enough. And so accepting that part of myself while accepting the sort of flaws and imperfections of my humanity you know that is quite a challenging journey that at least i've been chipping away at but the more that sort of decouples and sort of is integrated and embodied certainly the more peace there is and as a result the more a better performance there is um which is pretty interesting and And sometimes, you know, a workout goes poorly.

42:50But when I zoom out and think about even one year ago, like it's been the most consistent year of training I've had in the last probably four or five years. And I'm running and swimming faster than I really probably have in 10 years. At least running. I never swam 10 years ago probably. But, you know, swimming has been really an interesting example of this. Like my goal at the beginning, kind of accepting that I'm not a strong swimmer was just be consistent, go to the pool once a week, every week is like this whole block, get the races in maybe even twice a week and just do, you know, just get a feel for the water, start to like integrate one little technique piece at a time.