Fashion Neurosis with Alex Consani

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1:10Hi, come in.

1:17Welcome to Fashion Neurosis, Alex Consani. Hello, Bella. Thank you so much for having me. Can you tell me what you're wearing today and why you chose these particular clothes? Today I'm wearing a top from Connor Ives and some of my grandma's lingerie and a pair of Alaya shoes. And I love this shirt because Transamerica babes. Oh, it's a very good combo. I love those slips. They're really difficult things to make as a designer, but you can only find the old ones which are made en masse and they're, I think, the most charming, beguiling garment that anyone can wear, especially with the legs. Thank you.

2:06Yeah, no, he found this shirt and, like, wanted to give it to me and he, like, made it into this beautiful shirt and I've been waiting to wear it. I wore it during Fashion Week once and now I get to wear it on your podcast and I'm so happy to be here wearing it. Am I right? You're 21. I'm 21 years old, yes. Okay, so you're 21 and you're one of the most successful models in the world. You started really young, bursting on the scene, age 12, becoming the youngest transgender model in the world. And what was the bursting on the scene moment? I mean, I really just saw fashion and it was something so beautiful to me and something so far away just because there was no point of reference for me or anyone like me.

2:50So I had the opportunity when I was young to do a shoot with one of my friends. And it was a really fun experience. And it made me realize how beautiful it could be to be in fashion and how creative it could be. And that's what I fell in love with was just the creativity aspect of it. And working with someone to make an image and it being surrounded by clothes for me was just so glamorous. And I think I had that experience at a time in my life that I really was motivated to do something. So that was what really pushed me, I guess, to be where I am today. And I still hold on to that a lot. What was the first piece of clothing that you longed for as a child?

3:32As a child, it was this dress from Target. It was a Cinderella dress, this pink Cinderella dress. I have a picture of me wearing it, but I remember, I mean, I used to just wear random clothes. I mean, it wasn't feminine at all. and I remember having this one moment where we had this celebration in our town where it was like traditional German and I wore lederhosen and I never wanted to fucking leave the event more than this. Like it was horrible. I had like the hat with the feather and it just wasn't chic for me. I wanted something fabulous like a gown and then I went to Target I think later that week and found this dress and it was just like, it was fabulous and I was asking my parents for it.

4:14I don't remember exactly how they gave it to me, but they have the dress and there's all these pictures of me with these like little fluffy little kitten heels and this dress. And yeah, I wish I had that dress though. That was a consolidating moment of like, this is what's going to work for me. Yeah, I had that moment with a pink gingham shirt. but I got to kind of accommodate my boy-girl sides. And I mean, when I think back on when I was 12, I was having a crisis of alienation. And when you were 12, your parents sent you on a trans summer camp. And that seemed incredible amount of understanding.

5:04And I wonder what that was like for you. because, you know, in a way to be given that much acknowledgement at a young age, I wondered if that felt like a burden as well as a kind of access to liberation. Yeah, no, I mean, it was amazing. I think my parents had a really good understanding of how to support me. And I think the basis of it was just love. I think that's something that a lot of parents of trans children should follow as well, because, I mean, I can say it changed my life to have them have these moments. I'm still friends with a lot of people from that camp specifically. One of my best friends, Ella, we've been friends since I think 2014 from this camp.

5:47And it's just such a beautiful experience to have peers around you, especially who understand the struggle that you go through. And especially when it's your family, having them support you, it's so important. And I'm blessed that they did their own research as well because it wasn't something I had to teach them, which I think kind of changed the game because they understood me in the same way that I understood myself because they cared to ask questions and do research. And I think being a parent, all you want, or all I would hope you would want, is to love your kids. And I think that that's how I always felt from them.

6:25So it must have been an amazing moment where they suspend what they assume about their child and just embrace what you, how you educated them into this is who I am. Totally. I think assumptions though can be a bit difficult as a parent because you can never assume much about your child. I mean, you have dreams and hopes of what you want them to be and how you want them to live their life. But I think what I hear when parents come up to me a lot and are like, I want my trans child to be successful. Like, what do I do to give them those tools? It's just love. Yeah. I mean, in the end, love is always the answer to everything.

7:11It kind of is just the compass and everything will work out if that's what people are prepared to kind of remember. Totally. And was fashion a thing in your household? And you have such an incredible sense of style. And does that come from either of your parents? Or is there someone who you feel it sort of trickled down in the genes? Yeah. I mean, I grew up in San Francisco. I feel like style was very, at least in my household, it was very like vintage, old, people appreciated, that kind of stuff. I wouldn't say I was in a fashion household at all. The first time I ever heard of fashion was when I went to an exhibition for Jean-Paul Gaultier.

7:55And I think it was like 2009 at the De Young Museum. And it was such an eye-opener because that for me was the first time I really got to see fashion as an art and not just as what you wear, what you put on. But I think definitely the style of being resourceful with your clothing is something that I used to this day. And my parents definitely inspired that. But I don't know if I call that fashion. How do they dress? Do either of them have a kind of distinctive way of dressing or just a cool way of putting things together? Are they quite matter of fact in their outfits? I mean, they're very traditional in the sense.

8:34Like my dad loves a flannel button up, a pair of jeans, either Converse or Sperry topsiders. My mom is a clog queen, jeans and a vest. That's probably my generation. That's what we wore at school. I love it though. I mean, it's fabulous. And I think it makes them feel comfortable, which is what fashion should do. Yeah. And you were really good at math at school. Oh, wow. You did your research. I mean, I would say so, yeah. But do you practice that still? Do you still use it like, you know, sort of relaxation technique or like learning another language? You know, you do so much and you you have these moments in between I wondered if that's something you kind of like play with honestly I should I've been thinking about it recently what I've been missing is like printing out a like division sheet and just like doing math which is so freaky of me because every one of my friends is like babe eek we hate math but no I haven't I haven't done math in a second other than like taxes which oh even if you can do that that's amazing I mean it's not it's not just me doing it but I make sure I triple check you know gotta make sure everything's correct but those numbers aren't alienate they they're your friends exactly yeah because people talk about math being very close to music and uh that's the only way I could imagine getting in I just have a sort of blindness but yeah I mean what I always loved about math was that it was either right or wrong that was my favorite subject because you know for English it was like an interpretation they would see what you wrote and say oh well I think you could have done this better that better but math it's like you either got it correct or you didn't and this is what you need to do to make it correct which for me as a student I don't know it was just easier to understand for me and I also somehow was always a little bit ahead of the curve so it was like yeah it was nice when I felt like I actually understood everything you know I've never heard it described like that in my whole life and it really makes it mean something so much more than it uh because i was bad at it i just dismissed it but the idea of it being so definite it never crossed my mind but that's so interesting i that you like it and are good at it yeah and that's what it embodies um so rare that there's an opportunity for real certainty and i suppose that's where it lives.

11:07Totally. And the actress Gwendolyn Christie said that the job of clothes is to be more yourself instead of a diminished version. Tea. And is there something you love to wear every day that reminds you of this? I don't have one specific item, but I think something that just makes me feel confident. I mean, I love heels. As of recently, I'm a very tall woman, so wearing heels sometimes. sometimes it was something that I kind of was almost ashamed to do not ashamed obviously but it's not something that I would always go to because I'm six foot whatever and wearing any heels brings more attention but for me it's something that I've reclaimed and now I appreciate it because it's like I walk in the room you know I'm here anyway so I might as well be here in a fabuliah shoe you know i know i'm a bit of a addicted to a fabuliah shoe as well is that where you start with an outfit with a shoe or not necessarily i think honestly yes i do it usually it's the shirt but it ends with the shoe and then i wear a shoe and i'm like actually let me change the shirt yeah so i should start with the shoe it informs everything to do with i suppose it changes your posture so it informs what you're gonna wear yeah no it's interesting I've been doing a lot of um like events and galas and stuff and for the like couture fittings they always tell you to wear a heel because it changes your posture and it like will change the way that the dress looks when they custom make it for you so like your body's in the posture when you're wearing heels which I never thought about because yeah I'm always in a heel I just thought it was how I always wise but then I put on a loafer and I'm a different a different woman it's just impossible to wear or have what you need to wear a ball gown without a heel because you need that where your back shapes you know just the way your hips go and exactly and then it goes up into your brain and you can kind of pull it off yeah totally oh you can anyway oh you definitely could too just need a good show yeah exactly um and whose walk did you watch in fashion shows and think that's going to be my walk I mean Victoria's Secret was something that I watched a lot growing up but I didn't really watch it until I'd already started fashion so I don't know I don't think I have somebody that back then I was referencing now I mean I've gotten into fashion I have a lot people that I aspire to be similar to as friends and as colleagues, whatever.

13:41But I think at the time it was really kind of just, I don't know, I never thought about like referencing someone else, which I hate to say because I'm not trying to act like someone's super original at the end of the day, a walk is a walk. But I think that like it was just confidence. You know, I wanted to exude confidence and feel powerful and like portray that when I, you know, walked. So I don't know. I think it was just the people that I was around as well, you know. Just an innate thing that you had waiting. I guess so. Yeah. Because I suppose, you know, when I was starting my label and it was the era of the supermodels and watching them and how each one, like how Naomi walks, is just so incredible and the different kind of atmosphere.

14:31here and I wondered if you'd studied any of that on YouTube but it seems like you were just born with it I mean I wouldn't say I was born with it definitely took some time but I think just being around again like when I first started fashion I was around very sweet people I think so many people when I first started were so motivated to give me advice I mean like being someone young in fashion everyone saw that as a vulnerability which I'm blessed that when I started people saw it as that you know because I'm I was watching other episodes that you made specifically and it's like there's fashion back in the day was such a different world you know so I started at a time where I feel like people recognized that I needed advice and so I always listened to it and I'm I'm lucky it was fabulous people that had fabulous walks you know so and and if you're feeling low do you find you wear more or less clothes I I have a friend who when she's down she wears kind of almost nothing and I do the opposite I like would just walk around in a shroud if I could and I wondered if you noticed there's a particular way you dress if you're feeling a certain way yeah definitely I'm like your friend like I love to wear nothing always so like when I'm feeling low and I want to feel extra whatever I'll just wear something fabulous which is usually short usually corset a heel but it kind of depends because I surprisingly don't really use fashion to cope as much as I think other people do I love fashion so much but I think it's something that I do again kind of feel in the moment so I'm not strategic enough to like plan out how things make me feel until I have them on.

16:23But I think inherently when I'm feeling down, I do end up wearing something, as the girls say, cunt. You know? That's good. Just a hyper-imposed, that energy on myself, you know? And so that's how you term it, cunt. Cunt, babes, yes. If I'm wearing something short, it's cunt. That's really cool. I love it. and how do you feel about being naked do you um do you like to keep something on to accentuate the feeling of nudity or i mean being naked is a human nature it's part of human nature it's a human trait i love to be naked but it just depends the setting i mean i think that as a model it's crazy because we're all so used to being naked you know like i'll try things on in the store and like forget that i have to go to the changing room and i just like pull my clothes off and everyone's looking around like what the fuck is this girl doing but I think it's kind of I think it's there's something that I think society has pushed on being naked that's made it sexual and I think it's so interesting because being naked for so much of I mean like as a model you're always changing clothes you're always trying things on you're always taking on and off clothes and I think that having that experience for so much of my life it's really taken that sexual aspect out of nudity and so I don't really I don't mind it if anything it's liberating it's beautiful I mean like human bodies are human bodies you know so I'll pop a titty it's true that I hadn't because the only time I found that was when I sat naked for my father when he was painting me and I found it just felt completely normal yeah but if I'm naked with a with a guy I feel I can't be naked.

18:08Even when I'm on my own, I'm definitely not there. But if it's part of a purpose, then it's just another state, like you said. It's true. Yeah, it's interesting. I just think that society has pushed us to believe that nudity has some connotation with sexuality or sexual whatever, when I don't think it does. And I think it's such a beautiful thing to realize that you as a human, whether you're wearing clothes or not, is still you as a human. You know what I mean? And clothes just give a representation of what kind of human you are and what kind of human you want to be. And I love that line in a Nick Cave song that says, we're all naked underneath our clothes.

18:50And it makes everything much more interesting. Totally. and how's your introvert extrovert ratio because you seem like a naturally outgoing person but I wondered if there's an introvert lurking inside I mean I think I'm definitely an extroverted person I try to be introverted when I can but I don't think it's it doesn't come easy for me I have to try you know but yeah I like to spend time by myself but when I am by myself I feel like I'm doing extroverted things like I'm focusing on work or whatever but is that how you recharge recharge when you're on your own rather than with other people yeah I would say so I mean I enjoy I enjoy working and I enjoy being by myself and I enjoy that's what I love so much about the way my careers came I guess is that like it is kind of about like what I want to do online as well as you know what other people give me in terms of work which is like such a beautiful thing because it's given me such a sense of independence from the beginning but I don't know I mean when I recharge it's usually just like I mean I can be quote-unquote introverted by myself or with people around I don't think it changes whether they're there or not but I think that being alone does kind of give you a sense of stillness that you don't go with other people so because I read that you said um back then I felt like I knew everything or I was at my most educated but looking back the way I thought about the industry was so different and the last three or four years have opened my mind and what kind of things have opened your mind?

20:27Totally I mean being trans in an industry that hasn't had that kind of representation it's interesting you know because at the end of the day that isn't who I am I'm it's a part of my identity but like I'm so much more than just that and I think that for the longest time I was kind of put in a box in a way that I couldn't control and having a glitz and glam image of like what it would have been for me to represent my community it was so different you know and good experiences and bad experiences have kind of showed me what it means and it comes from yourself you know you can't trust other people to understand what you want and you can't trust other people to give you that voice you have to take it for yourself even when it's difficult you know and And that's why I think being an extrovert in fashion is a very big blessing because at the end of the day, when you take a step back, it's a job, you know, and I love what I do.

21:22It's an amazing job and it's a beautiful job and it's artistic and you get to meet amazing people, you know, but it's still a job, you know, so you can't change the way that you speak or change the way that you act. And I think people value that so much. yeah it's true and it's it's important to be able to keep things private and separate I and not give everything to not necessarily a cause but just like your working life otherwise well it's just important to keep other things back for yourself and totally totally that's why I tried to learn the trumpet but oh really I mean I tried in theory I'd like looked up videos but it's expensive it's like a thousand dollars to get a nice trumpet it's the difficult thing I tried that once and it's like your cheeks feel like they're gonna fall off don't they did you do it though it was good I didn't I did other things but yeah I ran into someone yesterday in um London Fields and it was this like girl who came from band practice and I was like she was learning the violin and I was like oh babe like what are you learning whatever and she's like violin I was like oh I tried to learn the trumpet she goes no one wants to learn the fucking trumpet two years ago I stopped it I'm like oh she was in like school I was like work god like the violin is the hardest thing on earth I know I was kind of like wow you're really chic for that so fuck the trumpet let's go violin straight to the source no way the two hardest instruments out there it's like everything's quite difficult but it's it's good trying out difficult things anyway because then suddenly being the master of them is such a an enjoyable feeling I think it's also just such a beautiful thing to be able to make music like I grew up in a musical household so it's always really beautiful to have music especially when you created it or when it came from something special inside, you know.

23:21And you've done more courageous and exciting things than most people have done in a lifetime. Do you find being a kind of a role model is a burden? And I wondered if you have the jokey TikTok to sort of remind people that you don't have all the answers. Yeah. I mean, I think that was kind of an inherent message that came with it because I don't think it's a burden at all to be a role model, but I guess the more success I've had in my career the more I realize how much I really do you know impact people you know and I think it's it's a responsibility that maybe I didn't sign up for at the beginning I wanted to represent I wanted to be there to you know kind of go through the uncharted and like I loved fashion and I still love fashion it's something that I wanted to do and I wanted to be someone who was able to do it being myself and being proud and loud about being myself but I think it's definitely important to remind the industry and the people that are watching and whatever that like it's so it's so hard to be a token of anything you know being I'm just a part of the community a small part you know there's so many different variations of you know being trans and I think it's such a beautiful thing to be able to represent but it's also important to remember that like I'm not at all a true representation of you know my community or you know who inspired me when I began you know because everyone has different stories so I think that me having the ability to be funny online it's really special because it does kind of have that message I guess like unintentionally about you know reminding people that we all are learning you know yeah you're so good at it you have such a brilliant acting ability I mean thank you the things that you come up with to parody and satirize and just be funny I mean it's ingenious it's really it's uh I really enjoyed watching these kind of characterizations you did and how free you are I mean it's just so good I love it and have you have you always been able to do that because it's such a talent and also I love that it's like hey remember you know I'm just I'm a kid you know yeah I mean my dad's a comedy king he's always had the same humor as me so I grew up around a lot of I mean not comedy but I guess comedy definitely and like I mean his favorite show was Monty Python's Flying Circus which I feel like looking at the way he like told me something recently about it and like I definitely feel like I'm near that kind of comedy where it's like it's like goofy like I remember he had all these posters of like I don't remember what it is but like the walk do you remember this the guy with the briefcase always walked weird don't lose babe that is what I give I realize like I'm really giving Monty Python Flying Circus and like it's unintentional but like go down to the root of comedy like it comes in your persona it comes in the way you carry yourself and I think my my dad and I mean my mom my whole family they were always really funny but my dad for me always reminded me that like that's what comedy is that's what being funny is it comes from how you carry yourself it's not just about what you say you know yeah I mean when I was watching your TikToks I thought about Monty Python and um oh god I mean I thought I've it's it's quite unusual for an American person to be able to take that but you know it's like you you got it you got all the strange anarchic things that seem particular to English people.

27:09And it's like you've just taken it into a different medium and on a different level. It's so inventive. Yeah, I think in another life I was from South London, babes. I think. I'm a broccoli brother heart. You could have been in the Bromley contingent. That's where all the, like David Bowie and Susie Cave and all these kind of amazing people in the punk days. They all came from this small South London place. Totally. And you featured in Charlie XCX's 360 music video with Julia Fox and Chloe Sevigny. That looked like a sort of fantasy girl's dream. And I wondered what it was like working with the most popular girls in town I mean it was fabulous I've been a fan of Charlie for as long as I can remember and it's amazing that I got to you know meet her and she also knew of me and was a fan of me which was so beautiful and same with Chloe I mean all of those girls are so they're so real and I think that's what makes them so cool is that they don't have that unattainability and obviously like they're fabulous and cunt and like we could never be chloe seven year julia fox or charlie xcx but at the same time it's like they remind us that we can be ourselves which is almost just as beautiful if not just as beautiful and i think that that for me was what made me feel so connected with these girls was that like i almost felt a part of it because i was myself not because i was cool or i had this bag or i was you know what i mean which a lot of people and at least in the fashion industry like it can get kind of to that level of shallowness where I feel like we're being celebrated for being cool by the work that we do or who we hang out with or who we fuck and it's like you know it's not about that at the end of the day like it's about what kind of person you are and what you value and valuing yourself is something that speaks volumes you know so and about talent and everyone in that video was so talented and just watching you all playing together like that and just having fun but everyone having such a gift you know it's I love that aspect of you know how modern women are really playful and just can mess about and totally and be a bit messy and it's fine you know I think that fashion for so long and like life everyone wants puts this like pressure for being put together you know and we're not put together you can put up a facade as much as you want babes but like come down to it we all make mistakes we all like to have fun I mean I could say in my life we all like to party a little bit you know it's important to take time to give note to that and appreciate that and be around people that also appreciate that in whatever way that makes sense for them you know I'm really pleased that the Jane Goodall collection with brilliant earth connects to my vision of how we can live in harmony with nature.

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32:03I think it's essential um do you ever get shy I would say so I definitely get shy in certain situations but I don't know recently the things that have made me shy in the past don't make me shy anymore I mean I remember the last time I was really shy. It was this red carpet where I had to interview Nicole Kidman, Zac Efron. And Zac Efron was my childhood crush and Nicole Kidman was my childhood icon. So that was something that I was quite jittered about. And it really was fine. I mean, everything went smoothly and I finished that and wasn't nervous. And so I did the Met Gala a couple of weeks ago for the first time.

32:50And I I thought it was going to be such a stressful and scary experience and I really felt like it was just another day almost, which I didn't expect. I thought it was going to be a big deal and I was going to be nervous and whatever, but I don't know. It was really chill. You had an amazing outfit. Thank you. You just looked so perfectly. It was a joy to see you actually there. Everyone looked pretty amazing for that Met Gala. It was fabulous. And it's also nice to have a good outfit because I think it, I mean, at the end of the day, when the Met Gala day comes and you start getting ready at nine in the morning for something at nine at night, like at least you can say everything's decided.

33:33The hair and makeup and everything is decided, which is like at that point, babes, all you have to do is wake up. Which I can do. A little bit late, but I can do it. And you wore, in my estimation, the top dress in Haider Ackerman's Tom Ford show. debut show in Paris. And I was there, I was sitting between Kate Moss and Daphne Guinness, and we were all obsessed with that pale yellow dress with the cut out and the slit, the leg slit right up to the hip and the way you walked. And I wondered what you were, what were you thinking about when you were walking? Well, when I was walking that show, it was really nice because Jacob the stylist and Heider Ackerman, like they're very honest people and they're really clear about what they want you know and I did the fitting the day before and I was walking very poised like a lady and I think for this collection specifically he wanted it to be about the clothing almost not dreary but have an essence of realness that I think a poised woman wearing a dress like that you know wouldn't have carried so they told me to slouch my shoulders forward which I've never been told ever in my fashion career everyone is always like like shoulders up head back whatever and he told me to put my shoulders forward and look down you know and so I was just trying to embody that that vibe of almost like not a villain but like powerful and confident and sexy but not in the way that the Tom Ford shows that I used to watch were you know which was it was really beautiful and it was impactful and I think I think I had the best look for that show too so it was really special I wanted to show it off and sell it which I heard I heard that I did So you did, you did.

35:18It was a real moment, you coming out in that dress. It's interesting you describing what you did with your body because you just had this, it was totally compelling. It's like a magnet that brought all the attention together, but it was so low-key in spite of being so dazzling. It was a real kind of meteoric explosion in outer space. I love that description something important I think as a model too to know where and when to give certain energies you know because the internet loves a certain type of walk the internet loves when someone's cunt and hippie and confident and sexy but like there are certain collections and designers and moments that like it almost takes away from the clothing and ultimately the job is to sell the clothing and to enjoy doing it and like for me I like to have a little act I think it's important to ask questions to everybody there saying, what do you want?

36:19How do you feel? What does this collection mean to you? I've always been that person. Even before I had a reason to ask anybody any questions, I was like, what does this collection mean to you? What is the references? What's the story? And that gives me an idea of what characters to give. And it's important to do that. And I mean, all of the models who have been doing it forever, me and Maria Carla talk about this. It's important to have the ability to shapeshift within. It's something that can take you from being a model to being a vessel for someone's fashion, which is a difference for sure.

36:55Also to remind people of the person within, because in the end it's people who are interesting and clothes are interesting when that person is somehow radiating something. Exactly. if you fancy someone don't like what they're wearing does it kill your attraction to them not at all I've done some done some things with people who have atrocious atrocious fashion sense and I think that honestly it may if it makes sense for the person there's sometimes where I'm like babes the fit is atrocious you got on I don't even know just something that I could never see myself wearing you see me putting on a man if you were a mannequin but it makes sense for you you know and I think that if you have the confidence to wear something ugly that's hot because you're confident and we need more of that in life yeah need more people who are confidently able to wear something that isn't cute you know or they think it's cute but maybe other people don't and they know that and they're like who gives a fuck and I've noticed this I was just talking about this earlier what I love about people in the UK is they wear colorful tights I don't know if it's just my friend group or the people that I've been around but it's like I've seen so many fab fucking girls in colorful tights and it's like I'm in New York I live in New York and there's just everyone is obsessed with the row which I am too but like the row with no tights you know and like it's a different ball game when you see that little bit of character come into it you know it's not just wearing clothes to disguise yourself it's wearing close to represent yourself you know and like I'm not gonna lie I'm not a tights girl but I think that the way that people wear it makes me want to be a tights girl you know god I've missed this tights moment because we used to wear colorful tights back in the day and um yeah it's so good and oh god I remember that band the slits they used to wear these colorful tights with black fishnets over and then sometimes they used to i remember one time seeing them they'd sewn these tiny little wooden cups and teapots and things onto the tights it was it was just the coolest thing ever and that's the type of fashion that we need more of is like representation you know represents you as a person it's not just great for that because it was just so like you know i I mean, teacup on a fucking legging work.

39:27It's so good, isn't it? There were these titchy little tea sets that you could get. And then there they were all over their tights. It was just a brilliant, it was so full of contempt in a way. It's like, if I sew a teacup to my tights, I can do that. I make it a sewing kit after this. Yes. I'm inspired now. what's the best present a love has ever given you because you've got you've got such a great eye it must be quite hard to find something to totally disarm you i mean i think a surprise is always something that disarms me doesn't quite matter what the item is i mean yeah i think something that surprises me you know something that's thoughtful enough that it kind of gets me not confused but a little bit jostled I think that that's always a good gift you know I'm trying to think of an example but my mom is always really good with thoughtful gifts you know she I think I remember having a constant problem with overweight suitcases and this is just an example but she got me a scale for my suitcase and that was like the fabest fucking gift honestly I was like, I opened it up and I was like, wait, babe, this is going to change my fucking life.

40:50You know, and it's those little things that she thought about. And it's so beautiful when someone puts enough time into that where you open it up and you're like, wow, this actually means something to me personally. You know, because like, I would love to say someone got me a Birkin and that was fabulous. But like, I mean, maybe it would mean something to me. But I think that in itself was like, that was the same as a Birkin, you know, for me, a scale for a suitcase. so shout out to mom for getting me my Birkin so you've got a Birkin I did get a Birkin and that was a present from you to you it was yeah yeah I did the Hermes show last season and it was my first time working with Hermes and it was a big deal for me to have a Birkin at the show I guess like I walked in and was like I really want the fucking Birkin like please let me walk with the Birkin because online I have this obsession with this fucking bag I don't know why It was just like this, I guess, image of like fabness.

41:50And so I was always like, oh, I just want to have this bag. And so I put it on. They tried to change my outfit and I wouldn't let go of the bag. And the stylist came over and tried to take it away from me and I wouldn't let go of the bag. He was like, I guess she's wearing the bag. So I did. It was crazy, but I'm happy I did it because I walked the show. and one of my friends does the creative direction, image direction. I don't quite know what the term is, but I begged him. I pleaded to keep the bag and he said, no. He said, baby, this is Hermes, but I can get you an appointment. Give me your number and I'll message you.

42:32And the last day of Fashion Week came and I got a message that said, I don't remember what it was the biggest Hermes it was Saint Honoré he said Saint Honoré 11.30am don't be late and I was like shitting my fucking pants I was like oh my god this is the time I'm going to do it and it was so beautiful because like all of my friends had known about it and so I told the casting directors and everyone I was like don't book any of these girls the last day of fashion week everyone's coming to the Hermes store and we're all going to be there for this moment and it was the same day as Louis Vuitton show so obviously only one of my friends came but like babe it's fine we still had such a beautiful time and like I went into the store and it was raining outside and I was wearing these pants um these jeans that I wear all the time and they were it was wet outside and so I walked through the store and I was leaving a trail of mud and dirt to this like Hermes store and there's all these ladies with blowouts and like crocodile Birkins on their shoulders screaming for an appointment I like was walking straight to the VIP suite to get my my interview because it's that kind of fucking thing where they have to interview you.

43:38And yeah, she sat down and interviewed me and asked me what I did and what I did in my free time and what I enjoy and who I hang out with, like all of these crazy questions that I didn't realize until like 30 minutes in that it was a fucking interview. I thought she was just trying to get to know me for some reason. And then I realized she was trying to get to know me to see if she would give me this bag. And then she was like oh I'll check you know it's fashion week so we were on short supply she came in with the bag that I wanted and I was like I answered all the questions right um and yeah so it was a really beautiful experience and it was a present to myself because I've never spent that much money on anything in my life um to be granted like it's a lot less money than I think I expected it to be I mean, I hear all of these crazy$40 ,000 purses,$10 ,000 purses.

44:33It wasn't that, but it was something special to me where, I mean, if it was$40 ,000, I would have found a way if I could. But it was just a special experience, and it was nice because my friend Sasha was there, and she knew how stupidly important it was for me to have this moment. So it was beautiful. yeah I know I got my fucking Birkin and I can shut up about it forever it's so good god it's such a great story it's funny the things that do become important you know that obviously it's not world peace or anything but they're just things that make you feel somehow grounded and powerful and relaxed totally and that sounds like one of those things yeah I mean I'm not amazing being interviewed as if you're trying to get into live in the Dakota building or something I think it was crazy yeah it was crazy and I didn't realize it was that kind of that kind of thing ever I mean I know that it's difficult to get this bag from Sex and the City but I didn't know it was the kind of thing that like they'll ask you like who your friends are and like what you do on a Saturday night like babe I was acting so fucking classy it was like I was like my friends are all so old and on Saturday nights I just drink red wine and listen to jazz music and they were like really and I was like yeah you know I'm at the club listening to Lady Gaga with my homegirls like but it worked I came with a turtleneck which like it's not very me a turtleneck and a brown coat oh my god I bet you looked amazing thank you I tried I love a turtleneck and a brown coat such a good combo and you described the fashion editor karen reutfeld as being the pinnacle of chic and i wondered what it is about her that you find so dazzling i mean she was the introduction to fashion for me my first show i ever did was tom ford i think it was one of his last shows before um he stopped being as much part of his line and like it was so beautiful to see how she did that I mean, I didn't know who she was.