The Psychology of Positive Habits | Jon Gordon

20:13Dr. Michael Gervais:because it's not when you understand that it's coming from a wound. It's coming from a place where you're trying to feel safe. Yeah. And collapse with you also know there's very few people on the planet that would say that excess sugar is really a good choice. So you love them. You want them to be healthy. And this is a way that you've been disciplined to your own life with the choices you've made to feel in control. And then it just kind of found its way through some rigid kind of outwardly expression. Exactly. Which is like, no one asked you for that. No. But then you see them do it and you see them self-sabotage.

20:49So then it does affect me because I got a wife who's unhappy. I've got kids who are unhappy, not feeling well. Are you in their relationships because they're eating and it's actually whacking out their brain? They have such bad allergies. It messes with their mental functions when they eat certain foods. So you see how it plays out in their relationships, in their life. And you just don't want them to live that way. and that I am miserable because you're as happy as your happiest kid when you see them struggle. It's really hard to be happy when your kids are struggling. So you just want them to make better choices and do better.

21:20So then you feel like you have to control. But anytime we try to play God, we're going to be miserable because we were never meant to be God and we can't control. So that letting go of it, I'm like, that's it. I am not doing this anymore. You guys are going to have to figure it out. I hope you make great decisions, but I'm not going to take this on anymore. I love you and I hope you do. And it's amazing. once you let it go all of a sudden everyone starts to figure out on their own which is always a key indicator for you like this was a wound and it was something you need to work on because when something keeps happening and the pattern is there that's always a sign that it's you not them so i

21:56Dr. Michael Gervais:was had there was this thing that kept coming up in in um here at finding mastery in the business and i was having a hard time solving and getting through it and it was a repeating thing that was taking place for us as, um, you know, teammates here at Finding Mastery. And my wife said, wait, hold on, Mike. I've heard this six times. She says, what's your part in it? I go, it's not me. She goes, okay. And I was like, wait, hold on. What do you mean? And she goes, well, what do you think your part is in this? And I go, oh, I think it's this. And it was me being too exacting for a standard. And that is now creating a bit too much tension.

22:34Dr. Michael Gervais:And then it, you know, so I am so grateful for people in my life that hold an honest mirror up. And then that only really happens when they know themselves and they know that you are going to repair whatever rupture or repair whatever tensions come on the backside of a hard, honest, difficult conversation to have. Those are the ones that are on my rounds in my round table, you know, and so I'm really thoughtful about who I am fortunate enough to learn from and listen to. And it's the ones that hold the mirror. Finding Master is brought to you by Momentus. I have spent my career studying the mind, how to develop it for high performance, how it can be great in high stress conditions, and what helps it stay sharp over the long arc of life.

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24:34Dr. Michael Gervais:That's livemomentous.com slash findingmastery with the code findingmastery. Finding Mastery is brought to you by our flagship mindset training course, Finding Your Best. Anytime you feel the pull to reset, to zoom out, to refocus and ask, am I moving toward the person I want to become? It helps to remember this. Lasting change comes from training. Not resolutions, not short-term sprints, but deliberate practice of the skills that shape how we show up. Work, in relationships, and in the moments of great intensity as well. That's what finding your best is all about. It's a science-backed framework for training your mind.

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25:41Dr. Michael Gervais:It's a great natural time to step into growth, to refocus, to recommit to who you want to become. And this discount will not be around for long. So go to finding mastery.com slash course code renew 100 for$100 off today because your future is not shaped by what you intend. It's shaped by what you train. My kids have been my greatest teachers throughout our journey in terms of just looking at myself, realizing where I need to be a better leader, where my wounds are affecting me and holding me back. And also marriage is that as well. Like in your marriage, you're two imperfect people coming together and you got issues.

26:21And when something is triggering you about your wife or your spouse, it's usually you. You think it's your spouse, but it's usually you. Like here's another one. My wife will just leave all the stuff on the sink and in the sink. She doesn't clean up. Me, I eat. I wash the dishes. I put it away. Like that's what I do, but not my wife. And it just drives me nuts. Again, a lack of control, a lack of things being orderly. And so for years, it just bothered me I'd say something. And then finally I realized, oh, actually it's me. It's not her. It's like this is me. Like why does this bother me? It shouldn't, but it does.

27:01It's not her. So again, another trigger, another wound leading to healing. So to answer your question, I'm wondering what else is in there that I haven't dealt with that I need to.

27:12Dr. Michael Gervais:You are a bright light for so many people. You have a mastermind that you've created. You've got a circle of people that you mentor on a monthly basis. You are a coach to many people. How do you go formally do your work? I do my work through when I attend other people's talks, when I've been to other people's masterminds and listening and learning. I haven't gone through formal counseling in years. But you have done it, but not just in a while. Yeah, in the past. I do a lot of self-discovery and prayer, to be honest. Do you write, like journal in that way? I don't really journal, but when I am writing, like the things I'm writing about, I'm usually writing to myself.

28:01I'm usually speaking to myself. When I'm praying, I'm asking God to reveal to me where I need to grow, what I need to heal. And I'm also asking for healing. So as I walk and I practice gratitude and I pray on a daily basis, that's been a big part of my journey to allow God to show me. And God, I believe, loves us too much to allow us to live surface level and not deal with the wounds. I believe that when wounds come up, like this one did recently, it's actually a blessing. It comes up because God will use circumstances, challenges, and adversity to reveal it so you can heal it. You are so good with quibs.

28:44Say it again. He'll use adversity challenges to reveal it so you can heal it. This was revealed, and it was uncomfortable and painful. It really was. Which part is painful? The part where you see what you're doing, the part where you see how you're affecting your family, the part where you see that they're trying to do their best to satisfy you and you're making them feel that uncomfortable. And they love you too much not to say anything or they don't even want to hear you talk, so that's why they're not saying anything. And you know that this is your problem and your challenge. And it was painful to look at yourself and know you don't have it all together like you think.

29:19You do have these wounds. You do need healing on this journey. And it was a wonderful thing. I told my wife, I said, this is one of the greatest things. It's one of the hardest things. But this is one of the greatest things that has happened to me was this experience while I'm going through it. And so there's a level of awareness I have now of to be able to look for those things and be open to them. Because I'm not scared of them. And as you said, even now, like what am I thinking? What else do I need to uncover that needs to be uncovered? Because what you uncover will be covered with grace. What you try to cover will eventually be uncovered.

29:57Dr. Michael Gervais:And what is your process to go look at the things that are tender? It's really looking at your patterns. I really believe it's looking at your patterns. It's looking at the things that keep coming up for you. And again, how do you do that? What is your process? My process is just life is my process. Relationships are my process. So you're kind of, so underneath the surface, you are working often to say, what is this saying to me? And is there something here that I can learn from and grow from? Oh, my body just heated up when we're talking about that. Like I should probably pay attention. Where did that come from?

30:35Or even when I have a conversation with one of my team members, and I don't like to call them employees, but say team members, and I'm talking to them. And I said, you know what, John, you were a little short in that conversation. Like why were you so short? You know, you're stressed, you had a lot going on, but you know, you got to be a better leader to make sure that you're leading in a more positive way. You write about this, you got to live it. So I'm really self-aware when I'm not living up to it and not matching what I write about and want to be because I always feel like I have to strive towards that and I do have to walk the walk.

31:08Dr. Michael Gervais:I'll ask this in a different way, but do you have a weekly, daily mechanism with your teammates, employees that create the space for that? Or is this kind of randomly, haphazardly, you'll pull them aside and ask. Yeah, it's not a daily, weekly, but it is, hey guys, what can I do better? And where can I be better? And it's conversations a lot of times one-on-one, say with Angela on my team, what can I do better? Have you noticed that I've been working on X, Y, and Z? You know what's cool though? I will say that it's cool that a lot of my team members have said, wow, we can tell you're really working on you and your leadership.

31:45Because I'm going to be honest, I wrote The Power of Positive Leadership, right? I did not have a team when I wrote that book. I was working with all these great leaders, and I wrote that book seeing how they led and then creating a pattern and framework for great leadership, which is now used by a lot of organizations. So watching that and seeing that, okay, that's what it looks like. So now, fast forward, I have a team, and now I'm dealing with all this stuff, and you know how hard it is to lead a team. And I've been saying this in my talks, like, leadership is hard. But I'm often pulling out my book going, what did I write on page 95?

32:22Oh, yeah. That's right. I have to stay positive. So now I'm seeing where there might be a gap between what I wrote about and how I need to lead better. So the cool thing is I told them, hey, I'm going to really work on this because I'm on the road. I get back. I just gave talks. I'm exhausted. But now I have to deal with a million different things and fires to put out. If I was just running the company, it would be easy. I'm running a company and speaking and coaching and training and teaching and answering emails and looking at Slack and doing everything else and figuring out marketing and making sure operations is being improved.

32:57It's a lot all at once. And recognizing that, I know that I could be stressed and act out of my need state instead of my, you know, more positive state. If you ever took the Berkman, there's who you are in your normal state, who you are in your need state, and who you are in your stress state. That's right. In my normal state, I'm a very happy-go-lucky person. I want to enjoy life. That's me speaking. That's me getting together with friends. That's me coaching, having fun, doing what I love, writing books. That's me. The need state, when you're not getting your needs met and you're stressed, the Berkman shows that I can become very commanding and very controlling.

33:44And so for me, it's recognizing how life and circumstances, events, could then cause as triggers to affect who I am in that state. And so it's recognizing that and then going, okay, what's the healing mechanism for that? what's the next action, the next practice that's going to make me better? How can I approach this differently to make sure that I am actually growing and not hurting my team?

34:14Dr. Michael Gervais:When somebody is tired, discouraged, anxious, what are the positive habits? What are the habits that you would want people to invest in to work their way through that? Well, if you're anxious, you and I talked about this when we talked about the one truth. The root for the Greek word of anxious means to separate and divide. So when you're anxious, you actually feel separate and divided. You feel very disconnected from yourself, from others, and I would say, you know, spiritually. So I would want people to find moments of stillness. I would want them to take thank you walks and practice gratitude because you can't be stressed and thankful.

34:54at the same time. I would want them to get outside and get some exercise in the morning, get that blood flowing, get the dopamine and serotonin firing, get the sunlight on your eyes, which increases levels of cortisol, which increases alertness and energy, helps you sleep better at night.

35:13Dr. Michael Gervais:Well done. Okay, I want to do this. I want to hit a handful of these chapter titles. I'm going to give them to you at random. I'm checking the authenticity of your work here. And a quick one-liner about what does this mean and what does it happen to make this thing happen? Okay. Okay. Are you ready? Yeah, let's go. Finding Mastery is brought to you by AG1. Summer is here, at least for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere. You can just feel it though. Days are longer, pace picks up, and there's this sense of momentum that comes with the season. For me, that also means more travel. It's more early mornings, more late nights, and it's just really a schedule that isn't consistent as I'd like it to be.

35:54Dr. Michael Gervais:That's exactly when having a simple, reliable, daily foundation, it matters. AG1 has been that foundation for me for over a decade now. One scoop and a glass of cold water in the morning, and I know I'm supporting my gut health, full stop. Filling the nutrient gaps that are hard to cover through food alone. And what ends up happening is I'm giving my body what it needs to keep showing up. And that really matters to me. What I love about AG1 is that it doesn't ask a lot of me. It's one habit, one scoop, and it travels easily. The AG1 travel packs are something I genuinely rely on this time of the year.

36:30Dr. Michael Gervais:I throw a few in my bag before a trip and the routine stays intact wherever I am. If you haven't tried AG1 yet or you've been planning to think about getting back into it, now's a great time to start. Visit drinkag1.com slash finding mastery to get an AG1 flavor sampler and a bottle of vitamin D3 plus K2 free in your welcome kit with your first AG1 subscription. It's a$72 value. Again, that's drinkag1.com slash finding mastery. There's a little anxiety, I'm sure. Good. All right. My wound is coming out now. Your number, your favorite number is? 11. Trust in your big life plan is the title of the chapter.

37:11Dr. Michael Gervais:Yeah. What is that about? What's the habit? Trust in your big life plan. There's going to be adversity in your life and challenges, but there is a big plan that is meant for you in your life. And what's a habit? A habit for that is to actually see adversity and challenges as your partner in growth and part of that ultimate plan. Okay, this is random. Number 18, play your highlight reel. Play your highlight reel. You'd love this. This ought to be the easiest one for you. This is visualization. This is actually seeing the great moments in your life. You're getting on stage. Visualize yourself on stage when you had great speaking moments.

37:47Get on stage with that in mind to have more confidence.

37:50Dr. Michael Gervais:How often do you see a highlight reel? Do you do this training? You can do this highlight reel every single day. How often do you do it? And you can also do it in your life as much as you can. No, how often do you do it? I would do it once a week. Once a week. Not as much as I should. No, that's good. Yeah, there's, listen, there's no critique. Yeah, not as much as I should. There's no critique. Okay, good. Number 22, double 11, all right? Connect before you can correct. This is the ultimate leadership principle right here. Connect before you correct. So you know if you are correcting before you're connecting, you're going to get burnout instead of buy-in.

38:24You're going to get disengagement instead of dedication, resentment instead of results. You want to make sure that you are truly connecting with your team. They got to know that you love them and care about them. And when you do, you earn the right to challenge and correct them.

38:37Dr. Michael Gervais:I know you're really intentional. So let me start with number one. You chose this one for a reason. The title of the chapter is The Habit Before the Habit. So The Habit Before the Habit. it. I love this one because, you know, any habit that you want to do, you're going to have friction to implement the habit. So to help make sure you implement it, the habit before the habit helps that. You want to work out in the morning, make sure you put out your clothes and your sneakers the night before. So when you get up, it's looking right at you. There they are. There's no, I have to go find it. No, there it is.

39:05You put it on. You're more likely to go work out. You want to read at night before bed, put your book on the bed so you see it and then you'll see it. You'll read it hopefully because the friction is gone and you're more likely to do that habit. Number 56, do one more. Do one more. This came from George Boyardi I wrote about in The Hard Hat. He died on the field in 2004, was hit in the chest with a ball and died. And amazing young man. Well, people were inspired by him, especially Rob Pinnell, one of the greatest lacrosse players of all time. And he was inspired to do one more for George. So if it was 20, he would do 21 reps because George was number 21.

39:47So the idea is that, you know what, we could all do one more. Number 69, make the pie bigger. Make the pie bigger. You know, this is you and I. You know, earlier before this podcast, we were talking about our businesses and we were talking about how we can both improve and grow and just sharing ideas. We weren't focused on our own agenda. We were making the pie bigger. Whenever there's an opportunity, don't focus on getting your piece of the pie, How much you can make or take. Just make the pie bigger so everyone wins more. And I love to do that. When I wrote The Coffee Bean with Damon West, I gave him half of my advance and royalties of the book.

40:24And he said, John, you don't need me. You can just do this on your own. I knew we should do it together. And because we made the pie bigger, we're now impacting millions of people as a result of that one book, The Coffee Bean, because we did it together, make the pie bigger.

40:36Dr. Michael Gervais:And what's the habit to ready somebody to be able to see the world that way. Right. The habit is every situation you're in, you're asking yourself, how can I make the pie bigger in this moment? And you know, that simple framing requires some diligence if you want to be good at it. And as corny as this sounds, if you want to get better at something, you probably need to write something down. Yes. And so as corny as this sounds, if you want to get better at making the pie bigger, wake up in the morning and you write it down, you think about it. And it could be just that sentence, which is my goal today, or my intention is to make the pie bigger.

41:13Dr. Michael Gervais:And then check in at lunch and then check in at the end of the day. Did I make the pie bigger? Yeah. And you have to be honest, right? Did I make the pie bigger? Wait, I want to say yes, because it's important to me right now. But how did I do that? Oh, in that conversation with John, so check. And at the end of the day, maybe that's the only one, but I've given myself a chance for a couple more options. And someone's probably thinking, yeah, but so-and-so is trying to get their piece of the pie and take part of mine. What do I do? I have found the more you actually do this and you make it a habit, you start to attract other people who want to make the pie bigger with you.

41:49But in any deal you go in, just you're looking at the situation. One of my favorite habits too is to actually live with purpose and write down your purpose statement, what you're talking about. If you write your purpose statement down and you read it each day, that's a reminder for you to go out and live that purpose that you just wrote down. Reading it every day helps you live that purpose.

42:08Dr. Michael Gervais:Yeah. I'll give a plug right now. It's like your purpose is one of the greatest things you can do exponentially to live a great life is to be really clear about it. I know you've got a methodology. We've got a methodology here, wherever you go get it, do that work. It's, it is meaningful work. All right. Last one, 93, the final habit, create an amazing funeral. What do you think it is? Well, I know what it is because I read your book, but the, um, The Create the Amazing Funeral, the idea that you are going to create an experience where people can celebrate, where you are thinking about, for me, the way what I took away from it is cover some finances.

42:49Dr. Michael Gervais:All right. Yeah. Plan for the burden to be lifted as best as you possibly can for the ones that are still living. Yeah. And leave a legacy. And what is legacy? But impact. so if you have an amazing funeral if Michael Gervais it's your day and it's your time to go I envision in my funeral people are all there and they're celebrating because you lived because you made a difference in their life they're celebrating your life not celebrating that you died they're celebrating your life and because of that it's an amazing funeral you left a legacy and all these people are there and they're talking about what you said and what you did and reading your book and your next one that you're going to write that's going to impact them.

43:32I'm always encouraging you on that. And they're being encouraged by you because you poured into them. So what's the habit of that? Well, if I know I want to create an amazing funeral, then that means every day I'm going to live intentionally to impact the people around me, my team, my family, people I meet on the street. I'm going to make time for them. I'm going to encourage them so that they will have great stories to tell, hopefully at the funeral.

43:58Dr. Michael Gervais:You're amazing. John, you are a breath of fresh air. You are creating net positive in the world. People trust you for a reason. You are extraordinary at writing. I appreciate that. Yeah, you are a very good writer. The fact that you can crank 33 books, and how many are bestsellers? 19. Five children's books. It's remarkable. I didn't know I could write. Yeah, you represent something that is just so giving to the world. Thank you for helping me in a meaningful way launch my book. That was cool. That was a real gift, man. That was cool to see. Yeah, so thank you for that. I can't wait for the next one.

44:34Dr. Michael Gervais:You always say that. Yeah, I'm challenging. You were a big voice in my head to write the first one. All right, where can folks be part of your mastermind or where can folks be part of your group and get coached by you or take some courses? I appreciate that. Obviously read your books. JohnGordon.com? Yeah, JohnGordon.com, J-O-N, Gordon.com. You'll find the books. You'll find information about me. My mastermind, my circle is JohnGordonCircle.com if you're interested in that. And then I'm on social media everywhere. The book is thepowerofpositivehabitsbook.com. That's powerofpositivehabitsbook.com.

45:07The cool thing about that is we have a cool thing there. When you get the book, we're giving you a free habits developer, which means you put in your top three habits from the book, and then it gives you a 30-day plan to go implement those habits. Because people say, well, how do you make habits stick? Well, one, you pick habits that are sticky. I said, I didn't write this book to teach you about the science of habits and make habits stick. This is a book of habits that actually do stick. And when you put them into practice, because they're simple, powerful, and practical, they're going to impact your life.

45:37So let's put them into practice 30 days and you'll see how they impact your life. Well done. Well done, John. Thanks, brother. Appreciate you, brother. I appreciate you.

45:46Dr. Michael Gervais:Next time on Finding Mastery. Dementia is one of the greatest health challenges of our time. But what if much of our risk isn't fixed? Next week, Dr. Michael Gervais sits down with physician and neuroscientist Dr. Tommy Wood, whose research suggests that many of the factors influencing long-term brain health are more within our control than we've been led to believe. Together, they explore what dementia actually is, why brain decline isn't an inevitable part of aging, and the practical habits that may help protect your brain for decades to come. Join us Wednesday, August 26th at 9 a.m. Pacific, only on Finding Mastery.

46:20All right.

46:21Dr. Michael Gervais:Thank you so much for diving into another episode of Finding Mastery with us. Our team loves creating this podcast and sharing these conversations with you. We really appreciate you being part of this community. And if you're enjoying the show, the easiest no cost way to support is to hit the subscribe or follow button wherever you're listening. Also, if you haven't already, please consider dropping us a review on Apple or Spotify. We are incredibly grateful for the support and feedback. If you're looking for even more For more insights, we have a newsletter we send out every Wednesday. Punch over to findingmastery.com slash newsletter to sign up.

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47:33Dr. Michael Gervais:Lastly, as a quick reminder, information in this podcast and from any material on the Finding Mastery website and social channels is for information purposes only. If you're looking for meaningful support, which we all need, one of the best things you can do is to talk to a licensed professional. So seek assistance from your health care providers. Again, a sincere thank you for listening. Until next episode, be well, think well, keep exploring.