The Psychology Of Speaking Under Pressure | Matt Abrahams

29 Jul 2026 · 49 min · 28 chapters

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In short

How to speak effectively when anxious or “on the spot,” including the psychology of threat/fight-or-flight, reframing, and practical communication structures (e.g., What-So-What-Now-What; Problem/Opportunity-Solution-Benefit).

Guest backgrounds

Matt Abrahams is a Stanford GSB lecturer in organizational behavior, host of the Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast, and author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter. He studies organizational communication and teaches business students who struggle with cold calling.

Key claims

The “oh crap moment” is a threat response; anxiety can be managed via reframing (opportunity vs threat) and by buying time (repeat yourself; pause and ask a prepared clarifying question). Speaking is a trainable skill: confidence, depth of knowledge, and audience-usable structure. Connection beats sounding perfect; attention should be external (service to the other person), not internal spotlighting.

Notable examples

Cold-calling and classroom introductions; a conference story where he panicked (sweating, shaking hands, forgot an email on business cards) because he hadn’t trained breathing; listening framework “pace, space, grace” and paraphrasing (“tell me more”).

Written by AI. May contain mistakes. Listen to the episode to check what was said.

Chapters

Tap a time to open that second in VO

The Pressure of Speaking

0:03 to 1:13

Explore the anxiety related to speaking under pressure and its commonality.

“And one of the things I've learned is to pay close attention when science starts pointing somewhere new.”

The Pressure of Speaking

1:16 to 1:28

Explore the anxiety related to speaking under pressure and its commonality.

“That's live, L-I-V-E, momentous.com slash finding mastery with the code finding mastery.”

The Pressure of Speaking

3:12 to 4:20

Explore the anxiety related to speaking under pressure and its commonality.

“ourselves in, which is this little moment that pops up.”

The Oh Crap Moment

4:20 to 6:28

Understanding what happens during high-pressure speaking situations.

“Well, like everybody, my life is full of instances where people have put me on the spot or I have made a mistake and put myself on the spot.”

Reframing Pressure as Opportunity

6:28 to 10:44

Learn how to see pressure as an opportunity and techniques to manage it.

“Somebody says, oh, my favorite hobby is this.”

Reframing Pressure as Opportunity

10:47 to 11:57

Learn how to see pressure as an opportunity and techniques to manage it.

“you know the real cost isn't just the salary.”

Reframing Pressure as Opportunity

12:00 to 13:10

Learn how to see pressure as an opportunity and techniques to manage it.

“The performers who sustain excellence over decades, not just for a season, they almost all have one.”

Next Play Mindset

13:10 to 14:01

Understand the importance of moving on after a misstep in communication.

“But the notion of next play, I think, is so powerful in these moments.”

Facing Speaking Anxiety

14:01 to 16:27

Learn about the intense feelings of anxiety when speaking in front of an audience.

“When you're backstage and that's happening.”

The Importance of Preparation

16:28 to 17:44

Understand the necessity of preparation and emotional training for effective communication.

“and I think a lot of us can really relate to moments in our lives where we wish we would have done the work.”
Show all 28 chapters

External Focus in Communication

17:45 to 19:14

Discover the significance of focusing attention outward during conversations.

“on a walk, in the ocean, in a living room.”

Practicing Curiosity and Empathy

19:15 to 20:22

Learn about the role of curiosity and empathy in effective communication.

“I think, you know, when you're on Zoom, Teams meet, when you see your own face, you see your own image and how you're just so fixated on that.”

Managing Anxiety and Reframing Experiences

20:23 to 22:29

Explore techniques for managing anxiety and reframing public speaking as an opportunity.

“And one of the things that I appreciated when you said, okay, my last name starts AB, so I went first.”

Applying Performance Skills to Speaking

22:30 to 24:26

Learn how skills from performance and sports can enhance speaking abilities.

“past experiences to really help them see the situation, rationalize it a little differently.”

Structuring Your Message

24:27 to 27:06

Understand the importance of message structure in effective communication.

“If you had an equalizer, let's do round knobs.”

Structuring Your Message

27:18 to 28:19

Understand the importance of message structure in effective communication.

“And sometimes travel makes it tricky to eat well.”

The Problem-Solution-Benefit Framework

29:48 to 31:06

Understand the importance of the problem-solution-benefit structure in communication.

“So the foundational structure is problem, solution, benefit.”

Opportunity vs. Problem Framing

31:06 to 32:52

Explore how framing an issue as an opportunity can change the messaging.

“So there's actually a variant of problem-solution benefit where you flip the problem to be an opportunity, and that's exactly what you're talking about.”

Depth of Knowledge in Communication

32:52 to 34:24

Learn why depth of knowledge is critical for effective spontaneous communication.

“If you're with a, God love you, if you're an attorney, but if you're a bunch of attorneys, you should probably figure out what the problem is that you're trying to solve, as opposed to just the opportunity.”

Synthesis and Pattern Recognition

34:24 to 36:13

Discover techniques for synthesizing information and recognizing patterns.

“so that when they go to speak in a spontaneous moment, they've got something to say more than just kind of one layer deep?”

Preparing vs. Training for Communication

36:13 to 37:59

Understand the difference between preparing and training for effective communication.

“The synthesis comes down to pattern recognition and looking for the bottom line.”

Listening Skills and Techniques

37:59 to 40:08

Learn effective listening skills and techniques to enhance communication.

“And where did the phrase bottom line come from for you?”

The Importance of Intent in Listening

40:08 to 42:00

Explore the significance of intention behind listening in conversations.

“And then the listening to paraphrase is the physical training you can do.”

Connecting Through Conversation

42:00 to 43:08

Explore the importance of intention and connection in communication.

“That's not really scrubbing to deeply understand.”

Connecting Through Conversation

43:32 to 44:20

Explore the importance of intention and connection in communication.

“What that means is it helps to slow biological aging by strengthening your cells, basically protecting them from damage.”

Confidence and Self-Talk

44:20 to 48:37

Understand the interplay of self-talk and confidence during communication.

“Now, if we're using our model from the three levers that we've talked about, which is confidence, know your content with depth, and then structure.”

Performance-Based Identity

48:37 to 51:13

Discuss the impact of performance identity on communication and self-perception.

“You've invested in your own psychology to be able to help others.”

The Puzzle of Communication

51:13 to 54:58

Delve into the complexities of communication and its evolution.

“And when we start to get into the performative aspect of ourselves, it's very fragile.”
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Transcript

Automatic transcript. May contain errors.

0:00Dr. Michael Gervais:Finding Master is brought to you by Momentus. I have spent my career studying the mind, how to develop it for high performance, how it can be great in high stress conditions, and what helps it stay sharp over the long arc of life. And one of the things I've learned is to pay close attention when science starts pointing somewhere new. Creatine is one of those places right now. We've known for decades what it does for the body, strength, power, recovery. It's about well studied as any supplement out there. But the work emerging on creatine in the brain is what has my attention. The brain runs on energy, the same currency a working muscle does.

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1:09Dr. Michael Gervais:When you take something every day, that level of quality compounds. Go to livemomentous.com slash findingmastery and use the code findingmastery for up to 35 % off your first order. That's live, L-I-V-E, momentous.com slash finding mastery with the code finding mastery. The biggest fear people have is I'm going to be up in a high stakes moment and I'm going to blank out. Two things to do. And if you know these two things, they reduce the likelihood of that moment happening because you know you have tools to get you through it. First, when you're put on the spot, do you know how to be great in those moments?

1:44A lot of us feel like some people are born with this ability to speak in the moment, to be present and to really be engaging, but all of us can learn it. It's a skill. And the irony is you can prepare to be spontaneous.

1:57Dr. Michael Gervais:Welcome back. Or welcome to the Finding Mastery podcast, where we dive into the minds of the world's greatest thinkers and doers. I am your host, Dr. Michael Gervais. Today's guest is Matt Abrahams, lecturer in organizational behavior at Stanford Graduate School of Business, host of the Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast, and author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter, How to Speak Successfully When You're Put on the Spot. A lot of us, when we communicate, we just list and itemize information and we make it very difficult for somebody to follow along what we're saying. We take our audiences on a journey of our own discovery of what we're saying while we're saying it.

2:33And that can be very difficult.

2:35Dr. Michael Gervais:In this conversation, Matt shares how to manage the anxiety that shows up when the spotlight is on, why communication is a trainable skill, and why the goal is not to try to sound perfect, rather to create connection. We mostly listen for the top line. I just get sort of the initial idea of what you're saying, and then I begin rehearsing, judging, evaluating. I turn very inward, and I've lost the connection. So the opposite of the top line to me is the bottom line. And so that's where I came to that idea, and most people can relate to that. With that, let's jump into this week's conversation with Matt Abrahams.

3:11Dr. Michael Gervais:Matt, your research and what you have pointed to is something that I think all of us can see ourselves in, which is this little moment that pops up. And in that nano of a second, within a couple heartbeats, boom, all of a sudden we're flooded with an anxiousness, a temperature change, change and the required need to say something in front of other people. And so do you have a name for this experience? Sometimes I call it an oh crap moment. It's that moment where all of a sudden the spotlight is on you and maybe you knew it was coming. Often you don't. And you have that moment of, I have to step up or I have to run away.

3:55Dr. Michael Gervais:What do you hope the viewer will receive from this conversation? I'd love everybody to know that this is a skill you can work on. A lot of us feel like some people are born with this ability to speak in the moment, to be present and to really be engaging. But all of us can learn it. It's a skill. It's just like any athlete. You can learn it. You can train it. And the irony is you can prepare to be spontaneous. What experience in your life or what moments came up for you that led you down this path to make such a deep investment in the spontaneity of being on when you feel unprepared as if you're going to fall into a thousand pieces.

4:36Well, like everybody, my life is full of instances where people have put me on the spot or I have made a mistake and put myself on the spot. I think I have a slightly different experience than many though. My last name is Abrahams, AB. All through school, I was always going first. Teachers, I am a teacher. Sometimes we can get lazy and we just do things alphabetically. So I was often called on first. And so I really understood and appreciate how that feels. Later on in my career, I saw when I was working in the corporate world, how people could respond in the moment well, how that enhanced their career, gave them more opportunities.

5:11And then as an academic now that I teach at Stanford's Business School, I see the need for our students when they're put on the spot. In fact, the deans came to me and said, our students are struggling when they're cold called. Remember back in the day with the professor would say, what do you think? I'm not a big fan of cold calling, but others do. And the students who know the answers aren't able to answer. So all of those came together to really motivate me to study this. Okay.

5:35Dr. Michael Gervais:So we're talking about that moment when you feel like the intensity of the moment is collapsing on you, right? And you're asked to say something. And I think one small example of this is, hey, everybody, we're just getting together today. And there's a bunch of new people in the room. Let's make sure that we just maybe say where you grew up, one thing that you love about something, and of course your name. And in that instant, I mean, those are pretty academically simple things to be able to say, right? And then I will watch people or, and I have experienced myself where it's like, my heart is pounding.

6:09Dr. Michael Gervais:Like what is happening? This is what you're talking about. Absolutely. It's where that attention focuses on you, where we really are. We feel as if we're being tested, if it's a crucible. It's not, but it feels that way. And it drives me nuts when everybody goes around the room because you feel the tension mounting and it almost becomes competitive. Somebody says, oh, my favorite hobby is this. You're like, well, my hobby isn't that great. And all of a sudden you get in your head judging and evaluating. And so it really does feel stressful. Can you describe what is actually happening psychologically, physiologically in this moment where it feels as though the whole world is collapsing on you?

6:54I think the one word answer is threat. We feel under threat in that moment. And our bodies respond as it would respond to any threat, fight or flight. And in that moment, our physiology ramps up to protect us. And our brains do one of two things. They either get very scattered or they get hyper-focused. So anything we can do to pull ourselves away from that threat, be it through cognitive means reframing, be it through physiological acts, taking deep breaths, moving around, that can snap that threat that we feel. But what's happening in that moment is threat. And all of the symptoms that we feel are the physiological and psychological arousal that comes with that.

7:35Dr. Michael Gervais:So go into psychological reframing. Right. Explain for somebody that might not be familiar with that. The situation is an opportunity. In any moment where I'm put on the spot or in any communication, there's an opportunity to learn, to connect, to build trust, to realize something. And when you see it as an opportunity versus a threat, then all of a sudden you approach. You are more open. You ask questions. So seeing these circumstances and helping people realize that. So a Q &A session where somebody could potentially ask you a challenging, hot, spicy question. In that moment, there's an opportunity for you to learn something.

8:15Dr. Michael Gervais:Let's say it's your report. You've just represented your ideas to the board of directors or to a management team. And somebody asks you a question and your first thought is like, I missed that. Or I can't remember. or damn, they picked up on the one thing that was still fuzzy for me. That's a threat, okay? It feels like a threat, everything I just framed. I can't magically do gymnastics in a moment and go, oh, I'm in threat mode. Let me flip this around and see the opportunity. I feel like I get too locked in to that framework. So I need to do all of my work well in advance so that my framework for opportunity for approaching success is far more robust.

9:01Dr. Michael Gervais:So I have to do the prep work to get to that. So does it work the other way for you that you can instantly kind of reframe in a moment? The prep work is absolutely critical. In that moment, there are things you can do to buy you a little bit of time to help you pull out of that moment, to go from - To create a little bit more space in a different framing. So you could take a breath. You could say, give me a moment to think about that. You could ask a clarifying question. You could paraphrase what was said. There's a lot you can do in that moment to buy you a little bit of space to get out of that panic to come back.

9:35When people ask me, the biggest fear people have is I'm going to be up in a high stakes moment and I'm going to blank out. I'm not going to remember what to say or it's going to leave me. Two things to do. And if you know these two things, not only do they help you get through that moment, they reduce the likelihood of that moment happening because you know you have tools to get you through it. First, repeat yourself. If you forget what you said, most likely you'll remember what you just said and you can't remember what to say. So by repeating yourself, it gets you back on track. Most of the time that gets people back.

10:03If that doesn't work, pause for a second and ask a question. Get the attention off of you. I teach a lot and sometimes I'll forget what comes next. And I just need a fraction of a second to think about it. So I'll just stop and I'll ask my students. I'll say, let's pause for a moment. Let's think about what we've just learned and how we can apply it. It's a very generic question. most of us can create a generic question that we can prepare well in advance. And when we ask it, it gives us that space. And just knowing we have it so we could ask it helps us relax. So in those moments, buy yourself a little bit of time and then know that there's some tools that you can use to bring it up.

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11:46Dr. Michael Gervais:Get started by posting your job for free at linkedin.com slash mastery. Again, that's linkedin.com slash mastery. Terms and conditions apply. Finding Mastery is brought to you by Magic Mind. Something that I come back to often is the power of principled mornings. The performers who sustain excellence over decades, not just for a season, they almost all have one. A set of behaviors that they do not negotiate away because they understand that how you enter the day shapes how you move through it. For a long time, my mornings have been disciplined, but a little incomplete. I do all the practices for stillness and movement.

12:22Dr. Michael Gervais:But when I sat down for the first real hours of cognitive work, there was a ceiling that I kept noticing. Clarity that faded faster than I wanted to. And I told myself it was normal. Magic Mind is part of my mid-morning routine as a way to work with that. It's a daily two-ounce mental performance shot with clinically backed ingredients like lion's mane, ashwagandha, turmeric. Two seconds every morning. It's awesome. And I notice when I skip it. Sharper thinking, steadier focus, better energy through the back half of my day. I'm not wired. I'm just more consistently on. The formula is based over 10 years of research, nano-encapsulated for five times better absorption than traditional pills and powders.

12:58Dr. Michael Gervais:Go to magicmind.com to get 50 % off your first order. Small routines done consistently are where excellence tends to live. This one might be worth adding. You know way more about sports than I do, But the notion of next play, I think, is so powerful in these moments. This idea that if you stay and ruminate, you're actually doing not only yourself a disservice, but a disservice to everybody else. So move on, next play. If somebody asks you a question, it doesn't get answered well, next play. Reflect later, figure out how to fix it. But having that mindset of next play and knowing you have some tools to expand that moment can really help.

13:39It's great.

13:39Dr. Michael Gervais:And the breathing bit is the same for me is that if I'm in a moment and I know that I'm keyed up and it's too tight and it's the first time that I'm going to try to deploy breathing. Yeah. Way too late. I need to practice and train that. I'll tell you a funny story. Yeah. Is that it was my first international conference and I was presenting. Let's go back a couple decades. Yeah. And I'm about to go on. Room's filling up. You could feel the buzz in the room. You know that sound, right? When you're backstage and that's happening. and one of my friends leans over. He's back there with me and he goes, hey, you know that researcher that you're challenging his ideas?

14:14Dr. Michael Gervais:I go, yeah. And he goes, look in the front row. And I kind of peeked around the corner. I looked and he, this professor, looked like he was 12 feet tall. He looked like he was 700 pounds. He looked like this massive, pissed off, disgruntled, because the title of my talk, I was challenging this really grounded, well-accepted research or position. And it hit, boom, flooded. So I've got, this is different from your work, but similar micro experience. Heart started pounding. I could feel a light sweat. My breathing changed. Instantly, all of my thoughts went up to, oh no, I'm gonna be found out. Like, who is I fooling that I can go do this thing?

14:59Dr. Michael Gervais:My hands are shaking. And then I thought, oh my gosh. So I reached into my jacket, like my first suit, right? I reached into my jacket to grab my business cards. And I realized that I was now a total fraud because I didn't have an email. I forgot to put an email address on it. This is early days, right? And so I was like, I got to put this. So now I'm trying to like just work my way through and I'm trying to write my email on the back of my card. And cognitively, when you're nervous, there's a narrowing of attention that you said. My spacing was all wrong. It was like down the side of my card now, like completely sideways, right?

15:34Dr. Michael Gervais:And so my point is, is that I was trying to breathe to relax. It wasn't working. I intellectually knew that I should be breathing because I was heating up. I was in a fight or flight mode. But in that moment, I had not properly trained myself for my breathing to be effective. I was a fraud. I completely understood what to do, but I hadn't conditioned and trained or prepared properly. What do I mean by that? is that if you want to be great in moments that are highly emotional, you've got to be able to be great with emotions. There's lots of ways to go about it, but one of the ways is to down-regulate emotions through breathing, the sensations of emotions through breathing.

16:17Dr. Michael Gervais:And I hadn't done it, I don't know, three to eight minutes a day of breath work, all the way upward towards 20 minutes a day. Well, the dividend is legit, and I was a fraud in that moment. I appreciate you sharing that story, and I think a lot of us can really relate to moments in our lives where we wish we would have done the work. And for many people, that moment initiates this kind of work. You have to prepare to be spontaneous. You have to prepare yourself so that when I take a breath, my body knows how to receive a breath. Okay, so what about, let's scrap the tools. I'm a fan of tools. Mental skills are really important.

16:51Dr. Michael Gervais:We can build into that. If I said, uh-uh, no tools, give me the big rock to put in the container. I don't want a little like thin slice, self-talk reframing or self-talk thing or reframing thing or breathing thing. I don't want that. I want the big rock in the container that's going to give me the outpaced leverage. All those things you just dismissed are really important to me, but I'll put them aside to answer your question. Sorry, to be clear, they're important to me too. I train all of them. Okay. For me, it's being physically present grounded. If you feel the ground, if you feel the breath, you are there in the moment.

17:28and it will help you focus and it will allow you to put the attention where it deserves to be in any communication, which is in the act to connect with the other person. At the end of the day, being present physically will help you.

17:43Dr. Michael Gervais:Great. And that's a practice that you can do on a cushion, on a walk, in the ocean, in a living room. There's scores of places that you can practice being present. That's right. I love that. And then there's one other thing that I really loved about your reporting of the research was the two to one ratio. Can you talk about that, about your attention in a conversation? So when you are in communication with somebody, your attention needs to be external to yourself. A lot of us are internal. And it is in that external focus that you learn so much and that you can adjust and adapt. my mantra is to be in service of the people i'm communicating with i can only be in service if i am paying attention to their response to how they are interacting with me so having the externalized attention is really important and and turning down the volume of the internal chatter so that's how you map your intention which is to be in service of yeah and then to do that well you have to give attention to, and it's like a two to one ratio, you know, or maybe even a 12 to one ratio.

18:57Dr. Michael Gervais:The spotlight effect to kind of come back full circle is like the opposite. You are obnoxiously paying attention to your internal state, believing that not only are you focusing on your internal state, but the external world is also focusing on you, which is actually not the case for most people. The example I use that really drives the spotlight effect home is when I talk to my students, I think, you know, when you're on Zoom, Teams meet, when you see your own face, you see your own image and how you're just so fixated on that. Everybody else is doing exactly the same thing. So yes. So we have to, you know, I, it's all about turning the spotlight on the other person.

19:33Actually, the, the, the light should be on both of you.

19:36Dr. Michael Gervais:Yeah. And if you can do it benevolently, kindly, gently with a curious approach. Yeah, there you go. Curiosity and empathy. Yeah. So would you say those are like superpowers of yours or those are attributes that you – I don't know if I have any superpowers, but I certainly train. You are training. I'm training curiosity and empathy. I have a practice that I do every night. I journal. I've journaled for a long time. Every night I'll write down one thing that went well in my communication that day and one thing that didn't. And at the end of every week, Sundays, I spend about five minutes going back and I reflect on the things that worked and didn't and I make a plan for the next week.

20:12and that's how I try to build that empathy, that curiosity. I don't know that I'm a good communicator or not. I am a better communicator because I do that practice.

20:21Dr. Michael Gervais:Well done. Really cool. I keep doing it, yeah. So what you're pointing to in your book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, which you've put the spotlight on something that I think all of us understand and you opened up great storytelling and you've also opened up supporting science to walk us through a pathway to get better at it. And one of the things that I appreciated when you said, okay, my last name starts AB, so I went first. You had lots of practice. The other thing that I do want to talk to you about, it's not just reps. Because reps alone, you can be tortured in your reps, psychologically, if you will, or emotionally hemmed up in a way that it feels overwhelming to you while you're doing it.

21:05Dr. Michael Gervais:And you never find that relief or that growth arc. So can we pause for a minute and just point to a couple things you hope people could do or would do to get through this experience? So when I look at speaking in the moment, I see it as two equally important pieces. One, we have to work on mindset, and the other is messaging. And mindset resonates, I'm sure, with you. First and foremost, we have to manage the anxiety. Anxiety is inherent in all of our communication, be it planned or spontaneous. And there are ways that we can reduce that anxiety. I know you do a lot of work on becoming very present-oriented, being present-focused.

21:38That can tune out a lot of the consequential worry that we have. Once we have managed our anxiety, we then have to remember that these are opportunities. They're not threats and challenges. So that reframe of seeing it as an opportunity really can help.

Read the full transcript

21:53Dr. Michael Gervais:How do you prepare to see something as an opportunity? What do you ask people to do prior to a moment? So when it comes to the opportunistic approach, one, I do a rationalization with them. help them understand that in most circumstances, people are not out to get you. They're actually there to learn something from you. So helping people reframe the situation as one that is positive rather than negative. Second, I ask people to recall and remember situations that are similar, that went well, and how does that benefit them? And to forecast if this is like that, what could the potential positive outcome be?

22:28So it's really helping people to reflect on past experiences to really help them see the situation, rationalize it a little differently. And in so doing, they begin to feel much more comfortable.

22:39Dr. Michael Gervais:When you ask people to go back in time and talk about what went well, are you more interested in them rewriting a narrative about what could be? Or are you more interested in them recalling what was great as a reminder that they can be great in the future? Actually, I think it's both. And I really like the question. It's insightful because I want them to remember what was, think about what could be, and then have them come up with, along with me, the steps that help them to get to the potential future state that they like. It is, for me, that thought process that, oh, the connecting the dots. If I do this, that's possible.

23:18That's very empowering. At least I've seen that in my teaching and coaching. Okay.

23:21Dr. Michael Gervais:So let's go a little further. So remembering times in the past that were successful, sorting out what led to that, creating imagination of what could be in the future. Like that's - A visualization. Yeah. Like performance imagery is kind of table stakes for athletes. And so, however, all that being said is we're not doing it outside of athletics the way that athletes do it. They rely on that skill. Right. Yeah. A lot of folks haven't had that skill. Or what's interesting to me, and I wonder if you see this in your work, I will ask people, have you ever done any kind of performance? Maybe you've been an act, you've acted, you've done some singing, dancing, or you've done a sport.

23:59And they'll say, yes. And they'll say, what were the skills you used to help you get through this? And they'll share. And I'll say, have you ever thought of applying those to your speaking? And it's like an epiphany, like, no, I haven't. It's really interesting to me how people compartmentalize their skill sets. And when they start looking across, you know, I work with many athletes who have to get up and give presentations or run meetings. And the preparation that they did for their sport serves well in their preparations for their communication.

24:26Dr. Michael Gervais:Okay. So I'm a super visual person. If you had an equalizer, let's do round knobs. Okay. So imagine you've got a little dashboard, equalizer dashboard, and you've got a bunch of round knobs. What are the knobs that indicate a specific skill that you would like people to be able to work with? So I think the knobs, there's several, but the first has to do with confidence, confidence in yourself and confidence in the topic that you're communicating. So the first knob we have to play with and adjust is confidence. And if we're looking at an equalizer board, there's some sliders that we're working on on that for sure.

25:03The next thing is depth of knowledge with the topic that you're speaking. You have to have an appreciation of that. Finally, in that, the three knobs I would want people to turn is that you have to have the ability to structure the information in a way that is accessible to the audience. A lot of us, when we communicate, especially when we get nervous, especially when the lights are bright, we just list and itemize information. And we make it very difficult for somebody to follow along what we're saying. We take our audiences on a journey of our own discovery of what we're saying while we're saying it.

25:35And that can be very difficult. So if I'm sitting there futzing with the knobs, I'm really starting with confidence. And then I'm really trying to help make sure that people know their material and then use structure.

25:47Dr. Michael Gervais:Okay. So let's go in reverse order on the structure. Can you walk through the structure that you find valuable for people when they are telling a story or when they are spontaneously on the spot that you found useful for you? So you're right. There are myriad structures. A structure is nothing more than a logical connection of ideas, a beginning, a middle, and an end. And there are many different types, and certain types serve best in certain circumstances. Before I would ever deploy a structure, so I'm going to take us one step back, I have to be very clear in the goal that I'm trying to achieve.

26:19When you have a fuzzy goal, your communication is fuzzy. It meanders. To me, a goal has three parts, information, emotion, and action. What do you want people to know? How do you want them to feel? And what do you want them to do? Once you have a clear goal, then the structure helps you achieve it. So you asked about a storytelling structure. I have one that I love. It is very simple. Three questions. What? So what? Now what? The what is the information you're sharing. The so what is why is it important. The now what is what comes next. If I have a clear goal, I can then apply that structure in service of that goal, in service of my audience.

26:56And it helps. It's a roadmap. It's hard to get lost if you have a map. and structure provides that mess. Super simple.

27:03Dr. Michael Gervais:You know, this has been around a long time, right? Like what, so what, now what? Yeah. And it is one way that people write briefs. Absolutely. What is the thing? Okay, why does that matter? And you know, what are we going to do with this? Absolutely. Finding Mastery is brought to you by David Protein. Travel a lot at Finding Mastery. And sometimes travel makes it tricky to eat well. Best intentions, and then you're at the airport. And then suddenly the only options around you are the ones that you'd rarely choose at home. Something I come back to often is that discipline isn't really about willpower in the moment.

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29:47Dr. Michael Gervais:you had also invited another structure that i think we could almost kind of borrow which is like setting up the problem yeah helping people see themselves maybe if they're aligned with that problem and then working through a solution or something like that on the it's very simple it's problem solution benefit yeah there it is if if you've ever seen a television advertisement you've seen this play out there's some issue or challenge in the world the product or service helps remedy that and then you benefit in some way. So the foundational structure is problem, solution, benefit. There are lots of ways of tweaking that based on what you know about your audience, based on what your goal is.

30:23Dr. Michael Gervais:You know, when I read that, I was like, yep, that seems exactly what's happening in the world of marketing and whatever. And it's problematic for me. Okay. So when you address a problem, it's easy to see yourself in the vision that you've just created. It's easy for someone to see themselves in that vision that you just created. If you're a good storyteller you create a problem it's like freshmen in college taking a psychology course and they go i think i have that yeah oh i think i remember those days disorder too right wait i probably i've got them all because you can see yourself inside of the narrative that somebody is is painting so when marketers sales folks are creating the problem you're actually inviting part of somebody's psychology to see themselves as part of that problem or having that problem too that's the whole design of it right and i was talking to one of the senior leaders at a company i'll keep nameless fortune 250 company and he says yeah we don't do it that way we only talk about what could be amazing and invite people to see that and to imagine themselves being part of that don't you want to do that with us and from that point it was like i don't know 12 12 15 years ago i said that's how i'm going to do almost my whole life yeah whether it's you know i'm selling an idea if you will a product or where i want to go on vacation like it's always above the line in that aspiration so with that with that kind of lenses on what i'm suggesting how would you design or structure for impromptu conversations.

32:01So there's actually a variant of problem-solution benefit where you flip the problem to be an opportunity, and that's exactly what you're talking about. So I paint an opportunity for you, and when I pair that with what I call time-traveling language, the ability to take you into the future by saying things like, what if you could, picture this, imagine, I then take that very structure, which works very well, and leverage it, turbocharge it to have people see what's possible. So it becomes opportunity solution benefit. So if I were trying to get you to follow me, to suggest you take on a different attitude or belief, I might paint the picture of the potential future.

32:40Wouldn't it be great if we could do this? Here's the opportunity and way in which we can, and here's the benefit for you if you do. So again, it comes down to what you know about your audience and what your goal is to decide which of those framings work best for you.

32:52Dr. Michael Gervais:If you're with a, God love you, if you're an attorney, but if you're a bunch of attorneys, you should probably figure out what the problem is that you're trying to solve, as opposed to just the opportunity. Well, absolutely. It depends on the audience. So I tell people, if you're dealing with somebody who's very technical, scientific, deeply financial, they like solving problems. When they were in school, they did problem sets. They didn't do opportunity sets. So frame it in a way that makes sense for the audience you're speaking to. That's the adaptability that you need to have, the agility to be effective in communication.

33:23Dr. Michael Gervais:So we're working backwards from having a structure and practice that structure. So when you get called on randomly, you've got something to fall back on. Okay, good. The second is depth of knowledge. You just got to do your homework. You have to do your homework and you have to think about the topics. One of the things that is really concerning to me in a world of AI where everybody can be polished, if you don't have the depth of knowledge and the deep critical thinking that's involved, you can get yourself in trouble. I see this in the students that I teach. They'll do a lot of work with AI to memorize answers for job interviews.

34:01And they answer the first question really well, but the follow-up question, they fall apart because they don't have that depth of knowledge. So preparation to me is not just knowing the material. It's embodying it. It's thinking it through. It's really understanding it. So to me, that's a critical step.

34:18Dr. Michael Gervais:Okay, synthesizing information is a real skill right now. And can you talk about, do you have any insights on how to help people synthesize information so that when they go to speak in a spontaneous moment, they've got something to say more than just kind of one layer deep? I have been fascinated by this question for a long time. And one of the most insightful interviews I did is I talked to a graphic artist. These are real-time artists who take notes. You've seen them. they draw the notes. They're awesome. Think about what they're having to do in that moment. They're having to take in the information.

34:51They have to synthesize it. They have to represent it in a way that captures not just what was said, but how emotionally. There's a lot going on there. That synthesis is critical. And in my discussion with these folks, one of the things that is absolutely critical is pattern recognition. They are looking for patterns in the moment, but across everything that's being said. How do they get to that point? They train. So when they get ready or as they're preparing for one of these meetings, they're reading previous meeting notes. They're talking to people. They're trying to think about what ideas might lead to other ideas.

35:24And it is in that pattern recognition that they begin to synthesize. So I said, take me one level deeper. And they said, they're constantly asking themselves this question. What's the bottom line? What's the bottom line? So they're listening for the bottom line. They're looking for those patterns. And because they've trained themselves to be open to certain patterns, to know that certain things cascade one step after the other, it really helps. And we can do the same thing in our communication. Even if I know I'm stepping into a room where I have to make small talk or people are going to ask me questions, I can think about what are some of the topics that might come up?

35:58What topic might lead to another topic? In this pre-work, we prepare ourselves, much like an athlete does a lot of drills for different situations. What happens in the moment is unique, but the training can prepare you to respond. So it's about synthesis. The synthesis comes down to pattern recognition and looking for the bottom line.

36:18Dr. Michael Gervais:What is the difference for you between preparing and training? To me, preparing is a mental activity. I'm thinking about the different connections, the different ideas. Training is actually doing it. And here's where AI, I think, can be a really valuable tool. Let's say I'm giving an important pitch. I can go to my favorite LLM and say, giving a pitch on this topic to these type of people, generate questions for me. It will spit out questions and you can practice answering them. Much like a person who boxes, has a boxing partner, they're throwing punches, you're responding. It's a great way to train.

36:51So training to me is the physical act of doing it, speaking it. I don't know about you, in my mind, I'm amazingly eloquent. When I open up my mouth, I'm not always as lucky. So I have to practice that. But at the same time, mentally, I'm thinking about and preparing in advance.

37:04Dr. Michael Gervais:When we're in this conversation right now, are you using or how much of you is using get to the bottom line or what is the bottom line? Absolutely. Every question you ask, I'm thinking to myself, the bottom line of this question is this. And I've over the years learned I don't have to get it right. I just have to commit. So when you say something like the last question was about synthesis, I said, the bottom line is synthesis. Immediately I said, synthesis for me equals pattern recognition. And then I start building my message from that. There's probably a fine line between what's the bottom line and what are the first principles for me to work from.

37:40Dr. Michael Gervais:And I love first principles thinking and first principles alignment. It's not easy to do. And so to be aligned with first principles, you need to know what your first principles are. Your approach is to say, okay, what is the bottom line that is in this conversation? And that can be the bottom line for me. What do I want to say? What is the bottom line for the other person? And where did the phrase bottom line come from for you? It comes from listening. I do a lot of work helping people listen better. My wife thinks I'm a fraud because she thinks I need a lot of work on it myself. But listening, we mostly listen for the top line.

38:14I just get sort of the initial idea of what you're saying. And then I begin rehearsing, judging, evaluating. I turn very inward and I've lost the connection. So the opposite of the top line to me is the bottom line. And so that's where I came to that idea. And most people can relate to that.

38:29Dr. Michael Gervais:I was in a conversation with the CEO of Alaska Airlines, Ben Minacucci, and we're talking about like characteristics of a great leader. And he says, you have to listen hard. It's a cool way of thinking about it, like listening hard. I heard a talk once and I don't remember who said it, but the quote was, listen until you sweat. And I love that idea because it means you're very present, you're working hard, and you're there for the other person. And that's what it's all about. So when you think about great listening because you teach that skill, you're practicing it yourself, how can you help our viewer, listener, be just a little bit better?

39:05Dr. Michael Gervais:And what can they do to be better? A couple things. I learned from a colleague of mine at Stanford's Business School, Collins Dobbs, this pattern that I've subsequently applied to listening. He uses it for something else. Pace, space, grace. You have to slow things down. You can't listen well and be moving fast physically or mentally. So slow it down, pace. You have to give yourself space, not just physical space, but psychological space to really be receptive to what's being said. It doesn't mean you agree. It just means you're receptive and seeking understanding. And then you have to give yourself grace, permission, to not just listen in the moment to what's being said by the other person, but how you're responding.

39:45And from that, you can then act. And to me, the one skill I really train people to work on to listen better is to paraphrase. If you listen to paraphrase, you don't even have to paraphrase, repeat it back. But if you listen to paraphrase, you actually train yourself to be very present, to work hard, and to strive to really understand what the person is saying. So pace, space, grace, that's the mental preparation. And then the listening to paraphrase is the physical training you can do. For example, what is a listening to paraphrase? So I might say you're curious about what paraphrasing is. So that's me listening for that bottom line.

40:26And then paraphrasing to me is just naming it. And the added skill of paraphrasing is connecting the bottom line to either where I want to take the conversation or where I think you should or would want to take it as well.

40:39Dr. Michael Gervais:As part of the training in psychology, we are deeply instructed to not just pay attention to the narrative, but for all of the other information that is either not coming forward and or is just below the surface. And when you start to attend to those things, you get a fuller picture of what's actually being said or not being said, but the experience of the person. So in the space piece, in pacing, you're talking about slowing down. In space, are you trying to buy space? Are you trying to create more space through paraphrasing? Absolutely. So creating space to me is not speaking. It's taking a pause.

41:21It's using, I think, the three most powerful words of connection, which are tell me more. Yeah, exactly. And so that's creating space and giving the other person the opportunity to step forward.

41:33Dr. Michael Gervais:What doesn't work is when you mimic or parrot back what the person just said. You can half listen to someone, catch five interesting kind of buzzwords that have emotional content or are highly descriptive. And then the person say, wait, are you listening? And then you parrot it back. But they know you're not listening. or you're acting like you're listening, but you're really kind of on another. And then you say it back to them, what they've just said in using the buzzwords back. People know that's not hard listening. That's not really scrubbing to deeply understand. So I like your three. I think you're highlighting attention and intention.

42:12And a lot of people can pay attention, but they don't have the intent behind that attention to really listen. And that's what you're highlighting. So what is your intention in this conversation today? I really want to connect with you. I like your work and I think there's a lot of synergy between what you do and I do. And so I am personally here to learn about how your work and my work interlace and interact. And so to me, I'm all about learning. I'm very curious. So that's my intention is to be present and to see and connect through the questions you ask and the interests you have and see how they overlap with what I do.

42:50That's my intent.

42:51Dr. Michael Gervais:Yeah, cool. And so obviously you're from a first principle standpoint, you're honest. I like to be honest. Yeah, you could have said a lot of things, but that was like, no, I just want to make a connection because there's an overlap in the work. Yeah, very cool. So Body Mastery is brought to you by Fatty 15. Okay, let's talk about longevity. Longevity is much more than simply adding years. It's about maintaining health and a zest and a vitality and enhanced performance as you age. And that's why I'm excited about Fatty 15. It's an award-winning supplement. It's powered by C15, which is the first essential fatty acid discovered in over 90 years.

43:31Dr. Michael Gervais:Okay, so C15, it's a geroprotector. What that means is it helps to slow biological aging by strengthening your cells, basically protecting them from damage. You can think of it like kind of like a 401k for your health where you're investing in cellular quote unquote resilience. And I dug into the research on the relationship between C15 and heart health. I love what I saw. Fatty 15 is on a mission to optimize your C15 levels to help you live healthier longer. Get 15 % off your 90-day subscription starter kit by heading to fatty15.com slash findingmastery and use the code findingmastery at checkout.

44:10Dr. Michael Gervais:That's fatty, F-A-T-T-Y, 15.com slash findingmastery. Start investing in your long-term health today. Now, if we're using our model from the three levers that we've talked about, which is confidence, know your content with depth, and then structure. you're now speaking to confidence. Can you be brave for a moment and just kind of help me and help us understand somebody as successful as you? What do you say to yourself that doesn't work? And I'm going to also want to explore like what do you say to yourself that does work? There's a lot of chatter in my head when I communicate. And I think that's true of everybody.

44:49I feel a little extra pressure because of what I do and what I focus on. So people look at me to say, is that the right way to speak? There is no right way. There are better ways and worse ways. The thing that gets in my head, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Uh, there's a lot that I say to myself that puts me at a disadvantage. I, I am constantly striving to help make sure what I say is clear and understandable. And there's a judgment that's going along all the time to do that. And I know that that judgment pulls me away from being connected to the person. And so that's where I work against myself, where I'm actively working to be very clear and connected.

45:30And yet at the same time, I'm evaluating, am I being clear? And am I being connected? So that to me is the hardest part. How I've learned to turn that dial down significantly is I constantly remind myself that I'm in service of the other person. And the actual magic in communication happens through connection. And if I allow myself to be there, I can experience that. and hopefully through being there, help somebody else experience it.

45:57Dr. Michael Gervais:What you're doing is humanizing your science and the art of your science, which is, look, somebody put you on the spot. There's a thing called the spotlight effect, which we can talk about, right? Yeah, absolutely. Is that Gilovich? Professor Gilovich? Yeah. And there's a very funny New Yorker cartoon where everybody's walking around with a spotlight shining on them, and you realize, like, oh, that's reality. Everybody has their own spotlight. But what you're reminding us is that in that nanosecond where you feel like you're on the spot, there's a voice that is your partner in there. And that voice is either like, I don't know, borrowed from a mom or dad or a coach or something like, oh, you're great in these moments.

46:41Dr. Michael Gervais:Like you really matter. You've got something to say. You're funny. You fill in the blank. Or there's a voice that says, hey, be perfect. Don't blow this one. First impressions are the only ones. they're going to find out there's another, call it positive, negative. It's really productive, unproductive, useful, unuseful. And I wish that they would over time just completely evaporate, but they do get less pervasive. Then they become more quiet and then they eventually become distant. So I'm wondering where it is for you and your work right now, like on that arc. The big unlock for me came from mindfulness and really being able to say, this is me feeling this way.

47:28This is me hearing these voices in this way. And not saying it's bad or good, but giving myself that distance. Because in some of those voices where it's like, you know, maybe you're not prepared, that actually is motivational to me. But when I hear it from a distance instead of how loud it used to be. Similarly, when I hear the positive voice saying, oh, you're going to kill it. This is great. That distance helps as well. So for me, the mindfulness of saying this is me hearing that voice, this is me feeling that feeling, gives me a little bit of space to act. And it's taken me a long time. And I wouldn't say I've reached the destination, but I've really worked hard to get there.

48:09Dr. Michael Gervais:Once you are more connected to awareness, you can see it. So to go back to the space component, is that you have more space to be able to adjust to whether it's a voice or a feeling or an emotion. And when you widen the gap and you have more space, you play more freely. And so I'm hearing what you're talking about going, oh, you've actually been down this path for quite a bit. You've invested in your own psychology to be able to help others. where did that let's call it unuseful type of thinking where did that come from for you in terms of the negative thoughts that yeah like why why would those spring up for you still as a you know i actually see it as highly motivational so i i don't know that i'd want to get rid of that i think it has i am somebody who has always been a striver i always strive for learning to understand to better connect and part of that desire i think incumbent in that is knowing that there's always more or different.

49:12And that's where I think that voice comes from. There's more, there's different.

49:15Dr. Michael Gervais:See, for me, I identify with being a striver so much that I wanted to only work with people that were as kind of wildly as motivated as I was, like call it maybe unhealthily obsessed. And I didn't understand it at that part of my life. And now what I do understand is that I needed a show for a long time that I was smart and I led with competence as a way to have people not see what was actually me because I wasn't sure and I wasn't sure if it was gonna be okay for other people. So my model was completely corrupted. And then after a lot of internal work, I said, well, this is not a right, I don't want this chessboard anymore.

50:01Dr. Michael Gervais:This is not the right game to be playing. And so I just got sick and tired of that and started playing a new game, which is how do I let go of this identity thing and be more present? And when I'm more aware, I can be more present and I can adjust more eloquently. Okay, all that being said is I think you're nodding your head because that's similar in your arc. Yeah, part of my journey has been to think about not just what I'm striving for is motivating the striving. It's what am I running away from or what am I moving away from? and that to me has been a lot of deep thought and reflection too so there's what you strive for and what motivates that but it's also what are you moving away from go ahead finish it let us in yeah well i'm trying to figure i'm trying to figure that out is it insecurity is it the feeling uh the the deep need for connection look you're at one of the brightest institutions in the world you're obviously very smart and yeah you've written something that is intelligent in a niche that is crowded.

51:02Dr. Michael Gervais:And like, so this intelligence thing, you didn't earn it. Your parents gave you intelligence, right? Like how well you express it is the performative aspect of it. And when we start to get into the performative aspect of ourselves, it's very fragile. When we're getting down into the roots and the essence of who we are, it's super stable. And what you're describing in my lenses is a performance-based identity gets triggered in these moments that you have brilliantly highlight is say, hey, Matt, can you tell us where you grew up and the most fun thing you ever did and what your role here is at the company, all that stuff.

51:38Dr. Michael Gervais:And then all of a sudden, we're flooded with emotions, feelings, and this unuseful type of narrative that is crap because we know our performance identity is at stake now. And it feels like our whole essence is at risk. That's bullshit. But it's not clear until you actually do something with it to address it, to dress it down, if you will. So can you reflect on what I just said and put it through your filters? Yeah. So this notion of performance identity is very real in my life and in the work I do. From my perspective, I see this as part of the human condition. Human beings are by evolution designed to be concerned about how others perceive us.

52:24Because in the 150-person group that we used to hang out with in evolutionary history, your relative status in that group meant everything. And if I do anything that risks that status, it could have life and death consequences.

52:39Dr. Michael Gervais:When you're marginalized for poor performance, it was a near-death sentence in some tribal experiences. Absolutely. And because we have that ingrained in who we are, it manifests itself in lots of ways. And when you're put on the spot to speak, that is a crucible moment for that to come forward. Yes. Until you actually address the performance-based identity is like this heavy armor that you've been carrying around and shining up and it's now starting to be rusty. At some point, that armor is unuseful. And flip-flops are also cool. All right. So all that being said, if we knew what you knew, how would we be better parents?

53:20Better parents. Oh, I am not the person to give parenting advice. I have two 20-somethings. And thankfully, they're out in the world doing good stuff. But for me, I'll channel my wife. My wife often says to me, say minimal words, minimal words. And that's her way of saying, one, don't lecture. I do that professionally. That's what I do. But second, part of what she's saying is listen more. Because if you're saying lots of words, that means they're not saying lots of words. So that would be the advice that I would give. And that's what I try. That's the voice I hear in my head when I'm interacting with my kids.

54:00If we knew what you knew, how would we lead better? Again, it's empathy. It's really thinking about what do people need in that moment. I am often asked, what's my leadership style? And I don't have one style. I adjust and adapt my style for the different people in the moments that I'm leading in. So it's really understanding who you're leading, what they need, where they need to be pushed, where they need to be rewarded. So to me, it's really, again, about that empathy and understanding. Why have you committed your life efforts to this? I have always been intrigued and challenged by communication.

54:33My mother was an elementary school teacher. My father was a lawyer. We were always talking about communication. My mother's like, how do you connect? How do you engage? How do you make it fun? My father's like, how do you make it clear and concise? So I'm motivated to really solve that. To me, communication is a puzzle and I'm very curious about it. And as we get more technology, as we communicate with more and different people, to me, it's absolutely thrilling and invites me in. So I'm motivated by the curiosity.

54:59Dr. Michael Gervais:What a fun conversation. Thank you for sharing and doing the hard yards to articulate your point of view and a path for folks to think faster and talk smarter, which really for me is like how to be yourself in these spontaneous moments. And you've got some really practical ways to prepare and some very concrete ways to train. I've really enjoyed the conversation. Thank you. I felt very connected. Thank you, bud. Yeah. next time on finding mastery we're back with another ask me anything episode together with mental health advocate former division one athlete and founder of the non-profit the hidden opponent victoria garrick brown mike tackles your questions about performance pressure parenting burnout confidence and the mental health challenges facing young athletes today drawing from questions submitted by our community they explore how to build resilient kids support athletes through difficult moments and create healthier relationships with performance, identity, and success.

55:59So join us Wednesday, August 5th at 9am Pacific only on Finding Mastery. All right.

56:08Dr. Michael Gervais:Thank you so much for diving into another episode of Finding Mastery with us. Our team loves creating this podcast and sharing these conversations with you. We really appreciate you being part of this community. And if you're enjoying the show, The easiest, no-cost way to support is to hit the subscribe or follow button wherever you're listening. Also, if you haven't already, please consider dropping us a review on Apple or Spotify. We are incredibly grateful for the support and feedback. If you're looking for even more insights, we have a newsletter we send out every Wednesday. Punch over to findingmastery.com slash newsletter to sign up.

56:43Dr. Michael Gervais:This show wouldn't be possible without our sponsors, and we take our recommendations seriously. and the team is very thoughtful about making sure we love and endorse every product you hear on the show. If you want to check out any of our sponsor offers you heard about in this episode, you can find those deals at findingmastery.com slash sponsors. And remember, no one does it alone. The door here at Finding Mastery is always open to those looking to explore the edges and the reaches of their potential so that they can help others do the same. So join our community, Share your favorite episode with a friend and let us know how we can continue to show up for you.

57:20Dr. Michael Gervais:Lastly, as a quick reminder, information in this podcast and from any material on the Finding Mastery website and social channels is for information purposes only. If you're looking for meaningful support, which we all need, one of the best things you can do is to talk to a licensed professional. So seek assistance from your healthcare providers. Again, a sincere thank Thank you for listening until next episode. Be well, think well, keep exploring.

From the publisher

When the moment arrives and you don’t have a script, are you trying to impress, or working to connect?

Matt Abrahams is a lecturer in organizational behavior at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, host of the Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast, and author of Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You’re Put on the Spot. His path into this work starts very young and is almost comically literal. His last name starts with AB, so all through school he was the one teachers called on first. He felt what it is to be put on the spot before he had any tools for it. Later, in the corporate world and then at Stanford, he watched how much rides on those unscripted and authentic moments, and he set out to study what actually helps.

The central idea of this conversation is freeing: speaking in the moment is a skill, not a gift you’re either born with or not. Like any athlete, you can learn it and train it, and, as Matt puts it, you can prepare to be spontaneous. That reframe changes everything downstream. When the spotlight hits and the heart starts pounding, the body reads the moment as a threat. The work is learning to meet it as an opportunity instead, to buy yourself a little space, and to put your attention where it belongs: on the person in front of you rather than on your own performance.

Matt and Mike spend time in this conversation getting quite practica. Matt shares the two tools to reach for when your mind goes blank, the simple What, So What, Now What structure for organizing a thought under pressure, and a listening practice he calls pace, space, grace. Mike opens up too, telling the story of a first international conference where he tried to breathe his way to calm on stage and realized, mid-panic, that he had never trained the skill he needed most. In the end, they land on this simple concept: being present, grounded, and in service of the other person is the big rock that makes the rest work.

In this conversation, we explore:

  • How speaking in the moment is a trainable skill
  • What actually happens in the body when you’re put on the spot
  • How to shift from seeing a moment as a threat to seeing it as an opportunity
  • The two tools to use when your mind goes blank
  • The What, So What, Now What structure for organizing a thought quickly
  • Why great listening is pace, space, and grace
  • How to turn the spotlight off yourself and onto connection
  • Why the goal is never to sound perfect, only to connect

Matt’s work is a reminder to all of us that the goal was never to sound perfect. It was always to connect.

Links & Resources

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Matt Abrahams’ Book: Think Faster, Talk Smarter: How to Speak Successfully When You’re Put on the Spot

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