Giggling about handshakes, bandwagons, and New Yorkers

0:00Hannah Berner: This episode is presented by Depop. Okay, gigglers, can we talk about the fact that we all have a section in our closet that basically is just vibes and delusion? Like I bought it for a version of me that goes to Paris Fashion Week, but she hasn't checked in recently. Instead of letting those pieces emotionally support you from the hanger, you could be making money on Depop. Depop is a fashion resale app where your personal taste actually has value. And before you're like, ugh, selling sounds like admin, relax. You can list an item in just a few taps on Depop. You snap a photo and their AI listing tool helps fill in the details.

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1:14Hannah Berner: Red flag, he Venmo requests you for coffee. Green flag, he raises his FICO score with Experian Boost. Tell me if this sounds familiar. You've been paying your bills on time every month. Your utilities, your phone, your rent, your insurance. But your credit score still doesn't reflect that effort. Kind of sounds like dating. That's the gap. Experian Boost was built to fix. Connect the bank account you use to pay reoccurring bills, choose which on-time payments to add to your Experian credit file, and your FICO score updates instantly. Boost your credit scores instantly because you should get recognized for the financial habits you already have.

1:53Hannah Berner: You could instantly raise your FICO score by an average of 14 points with Experian Boost. Download the Experian app for free today. Results will vary. Users who received a boost improved their FICO score 8 from Experian by an average of 14 points. See website, App Store, or Experian.com for details. Results will vary. Not all payments are Boost eligible. Users who received a boost improved their FICO score 8 from Experian by an average of 14 points. Some may not see improved scores or approval odds. Not all lenders use Experian credit files. and not all Lenders use scores impacted by Experian Boost.

2:24See Experian.com for details.

2:28Sup, gigglers.

2:30Hannah Berner: Gary, fix the Wi-Fi. Manifest that shit. We can't be managed.

2:38Hannah Berner: I mean, the day just got away from me. Okay, we're doing a social experiment this morning. We're recording Giggly Squad at 8 a.m. Just for fun to see what would happen. I packed a whole outfit to look cute, And then I walked in and I go, not the vibe. You're literally my mom. You go, so you didn't clean. I cleaned for 30 minutes. I got this new maroon top that's like leather on the top and then like has like fringe on the bottom. And I had like white jeans. This apartment has never seen a fringe. And I go, you know what? I'm going to stay in what I'm wearing. So we're sitting on my couch because Paige has a pant.

3:14It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. And it's a whole thing. First of all, Nick's just lost. That's why I'm wearing black. my black nick shirt and but last night poor grace grace had a whole day with me we did

3:29Hannah Berner: seth myers we were running around i feel like i'm gonna turn and look at you i'm uncomfortable good thing you're wearing sunglasses yeah okay so she i basically after seth myers was like what are you doing for the next game and she's like i don't know i'm like okay i'm gonna come over and hang out. Yeah. And I forget that I'm her boss because I'm like, maybe she's had a whole day with me and maybe she doesn't want her boss coming over. Yeah. So I come in at like 8.30, jump on the couch with her, immediately start FaceTiming you. So her boss comes over. I'm in shock and awe that you guys are hanging out.

4:09We're literally on a sleepover. Yeah. I order pizza. and then me and you are loudly facetiming and grace is just sitting there like can i have a day

4:18Hannah Berner: can i have a minute in my own home at 10 p.m like for a second i'm like maybe she doesn't want to feel like me and you are at one point when we were on the phone i was gonna ask grace to look something up for me and then i go and then in my head i was like no it's 10 p.m and she's on her own couch like i'm not gonna ask her a favor right now i actually wanted her to look up what the weather was going to be like today for my outfit that i didn't end up wearing wait my favorite thing is waking up and like asking my mom what the weather is and i asked des and he goes look it up and i'm like you've been up since 6 a.m yeah just tell me what the vibes are what the vibes are also you can look at the weather app but you don't really know the vibe i go to my window every day i look at the girls on the street i go are they in jackets or just long sleeve shirts are Are they in short sleeve shirts?

5:10Hannah Berner: Is it a light jacket? The streets will tell you. Is there, is it a caprice? And you don't, I never look at the men because their temperature is not. So if I see a girl in a workout outfit plus a hoodie, it's a little chilly out. Wait, I have to say something about the Knicks. I'm not saying anything negative about the Knicks. Like I'm so proud of them. I really hope it's their time. The Instagram videos of all the guys outside. I can't do it. I actually. can't do it anymore someone goes this is their errors tour like all the men are outside msg together like chanting and singing literally just kiss because they're like fighting each other they like want a hug they want to kiss so bad but they're like they like are doing it in like a beat up way and i'm like just hug so the best part about it is page keeps now has nicks on her algorithm and she's realizing that guess who's commenting on all of these videos it's crazy every time i look in the comments and i see your name i i'm like go next i'm laughing but like i saw a video last night when they lost and the streets were crazy and i'm like women are emotional what are you talking you just beat up a guy for wearing a jersey that you don't for wearing an outfit you don't like you beat up a man for wearing an outfit you don't like but we're the problem For wearing a guy's name that you don't like because you don't like that guy.

6:37Hannah Berner: He's like, that guy's wearing black and gray, and we're not wearing black and gray tonight. It's like, okay, Regina. No, but talk about me. No, literally talk about Mean Girls. They're like, I don't like the guys you support. I'm so obsessed with it, but I'm also like, now I'm nervous for them because the Knicks have been so bad for so long, and now they're like supposed to win, and I'm like, don't put that on these guys. My first thought last night was, did any of them pop a beta before they came out tonight? because what if like they're so nervous and like the pressure i know but um the gigglers were funny they there's some spurs fans obviously who are gigglers and this is a safe space for you guys we just sorry where are they even from san antonio yes we've been there yes remember nope you don't remember i don't it was a dark time the only thing i know about the spurs is that eva longoria's ex-husband used to play with sony parker and he's french and and he this is like a hot french guy And he cheated on her whilst I think he was still playing.

7:34Hannah Berner: That's the only thing I know about Spurs. An athlete cheated? Yeah. My Nana was visiting Grace last week while I was traveling. Everyone's just hanging with Grace. Well, Grace is like, look, she left her family. She left her family, and sometimes I'm like, do you want to rent a grandma? So I was like, Nana, go visit Grace. Calls Grace and goes, I made pesto. Do you know what pesto is?

8:05Hannah Berner: She's like, you're fair-skinned. You have blue eyes, so you probably don't know marinara. North Carolina. Do they know what linguine is? But she literally said, do you know what pesto is to grace? You ever had a baby clam? Ever? Do they have those? You guys like seafood in North Carolina. You ever had a baby clam? You ever put a breadcrumb on the baby clam? a little olive oil on a clam you call it a clams casino you might call it something else where you're from and then you take the bread and you soak it wait so nana literally it was like rent a grandma yeah you know when you just miss your grandparents and i was like what's up about my grandpa anyway so then she visited and i was like ask them about brooklyn in the in the 30s or whenever you were giving her questions i said ask nana about the apartment you made her write a biography but old people love talking about and it's like you never get to hear history from the horse's mouth yeah her story so that was fun um oh one last next thing so i took my dad to a practice i wasn't at the game yesterday i took him to a practice and we're in the hallway and i see fat joe sorry i know that's his name but that sounds like a name that we need to name like my old situation i'm like remember fat joe no that's the guy on hinge in my phone that i'm like please don't text him again so i see fat joe coming towards me and this is the thing new york is like healed right now like new york people in the streets are like saying good morning one of my girlfriends was on the bus with fat joe and timothy chalamet i dm'd i was like oh yeah where are you are you kidnapped are you getting traffic she was wearing a bandana as a shirt i go what is happening alexa and i was walking on the street two days ago middle of the day and people are just yelling go next yeah i'm like this is crazy i made a tiktok yesterday i was like i don't know what the caption is so i just did go next i know i know but i got home and i realized i was wearing nick shirt so that makes sense but i didn't realize i was wearing a nick shirt at the time but um the new yorkers are literally like they've never been nicer wait the other day i was getting off in the airplane and i was it was me and joe and some girl turned and goes are you guys going in the game and i didn't think she was talking to me so i didn't say anything and in my head i was like what fucking game i thought you were talking to the guy behind me because i was like i don't know what game you're the game of life i was like no but that's what college is like when you're at a sports school okay every sunday it's like about the game like evan's going to game everyone's watching the game everyone if we win or lose is affected by the game but anyway so i see fat joe And I don't bother celebrities.

11:06You guys know me. Yeah. You know me. I'm like this girl did a TikTok where it's like when you see a celebrity and you think you're cool because you're not speaking to them. Yeah. That's literally me. I'm like, I'm so respectful right now.

11:16Hannah Berner: Anytime I walk by Julianne Moore, anywhere in the city, I'm like. Is that like a regular occurrence? Yeah. I feel like Julianne Moore is like always out in the city. I've seen her like four times. And she has red hair. So it's like. You see her. You see her. Yeah. I've never said hi once, but. Wait, you're so cool for that. Thank you. I've seen her at dinner. I've seen her at lunch. In my head, I'm like, well, one day when I'm in a movie with her, that's when I'll meet her. Yeah. Why force it on her now? Right. Why bother her dating? Right. But I see Fat Joe and I was like, it's the Knicks. Like, I'm saying hi to Fat Joe.

11:50But then as he's coming towards me, and he's coming towards me with his click. Yeah. Like, he rolls with a click. Do you think he came up with the name Fat Joe? Or do you think someone was like, Joe? Great question. Joe. Well, this is the thing. As he's walking towards me, I'm like, I don't feel like I should call him Fat Joe. I feel like I don't like speaking about people's bodies. So then I just go, hi, Mr. Joe. But that's my move, you guys. I've done it before. It works. They love it. I did it to Rick Ross. I said, hi, Mr. Ross. Wait, where did you run into Rick Ross? At some Hampton party once.

12:26Hannah Berner: Did you see that they had DJ Khaled on the... Well, DJ Khaled, he's everywhere. that okay as someone who doesn't give a fuck about sports is he just out in new york no he's a miami heat fan when i saw that last night on the tv i was like fake i was like why the hell would they let dj call it sit on the court no that's well maybe he just paid for it but no but the knicks have been really strict about who's on celebrity and what celebrities are at the next yeah you Nina Faye. You have to be like a hardcore. Tracy Morgan. Ben Stiller. Well, because also there's. Wait, did you see the thing that Jennifer Lopez said?

13:05Hannah Berner: Oh, yeah. That was like. J-Lo. You're only a New Yorker if you're born here. This is my thing with J-Lo. She loves a villain arc. I actually did watch her new movie on Netflix. Stop moving your tongue like that. What? You were just moving your tongue. Yes, stop. While I was talking. Wait, I did not. Am I becoming like a crazy old person who doesn't know what my limbs are doing at all times? Wait. So I see Fat Joe. I say, hi, Mr. Joe, in front of all of his friends. Yeah. And then I just go to dab him up. Pat was there. Pat saw it. And he looks at me and he just dabs my ass up. And then. Did you hug?

13:47No, but dabs are like more intimate than hugging because we did a full secret handshake. Yeah. Do you know how to dab? Yeah. I'm a loser, Hannah. Wait, that was really good. But your fingers are so long, I got lost in it.

14:00Hannah Berner: Wait, that was really smooth. Actually, that's like a non-sexual thing that I find attractive. Like when guys like see each other for the first time and they like dap each other up. And one time I had a boyfriend. You couldn't dap. No, immediately. He had never dapped anyone. Like his friends would walk in and they'd say like, hey. And I'd be like, I have to run away. i'm like none of you ever there's sports in high school so i have to go there's nothing hotter than two guys who just met smoothly dapping yeah there's like dap chemistry between guys they also have levels to it like yeah they're not pulling in if they don't know you no i think is so and then there's a there's a snap sometimes yeah that's like they're real good when they snap that's fully mary kate and ashley they do a snap they love their secret handshakes um so so honestly it went it like went the interaction went really well and then he walked off and i think they were doing a podcast and one of his podcast producers was like my wife really loves you guys and i was like so i'm in with fat joe yeah then i just almost wanted to start walking with his clique i was like you're one of those groupies yeah i wonder like his friends definitely don't call him I'm like, hey, fat.

15:15It's like Lady Gaga. Like, you don't call her lady.

15:17Hannah Berner: But I think they're calling her Stephanie. I think they're just calling him Joe. Joe. Wait, OK. So back to the J-Lo thing. What do you think? How many years? Or do you think you have to be born? Because you're born New York. So you're a true New Yorker. Do you think you have to be born and raised in New York? Or do you think you have to live here for a certain amount of years? This is the thing. I feel like she I feel like she got annoyed that people made fun of her for the like orange soda thing yeah she's on her own tour like her own revenge tour she's on her revenge tour with it okay I am a firm believer that what makes New York so beautiful is that it's a melting pot of so many different cultures that have come from so many different places and that's what makes New York so great Miss USA and peace and world peace but i always tell people like if you can survive new york like you're a new yorker there's a girl on tic tacs like like the saying is like after you've lived here for 10 years you're a new yorker and someone was like but there's inflation so it should be 20 years and i thought that was good i think it's like a like i think grace is a new yorker i think it's an energy you're a new yorker when you're here and you're i think if you've gotten into a physical altercation at LaGuardia, you're a New Yorker.

16:37Hannah Berner: If you've yelled at anyone at a major airport in New York City, you're a New Yorker. Yeah. But I also feel like this is the thing. If I move out of New York, I'm still a New Yorker. Yeah. If someone else is not from New York, moves out of New York, you're not a New Yorker anymore. Right. That's the biggest difference. I would agree with that. That's the biggest difference. But like I always say, you come in, New York isn't going to chew you up and spit you out new york is crazy there was every block is insane right now and if you can just like laugh at it and enjoy it yeah i will say after living in new york for i think i'm one of my 12 years you're a new york 11 or 12 years going anywhere else and being there for like longer than a week you're kind of like what do you guys do like what what do you guys do every day like there's so much energy in new york that isn't in other places like so over any other place is so much slower and it's like wow this is how you guys live every day well i understand why people think new yorkers are assholes because every block something's happening on that block that would be like headline local news yeah but it's not always mean like i've been to other parts of the country where people have been way meaner to me in the middle of the street new yorkers are you just cannot talk to every single person because every single person's having like the craziest thing happen in their life in that moment but if you walk down the street anywhere in new york and you're like what's the time like someone is they'll tell you responding to you you can just yell it and someone respond also there's such a freedom that you can just cry and no one cares and you can wear whatever you want because no one knows where you're going or where you were coming from that is so so you could have been coming from a gala they don't know i I feel like there's some places where everyone's like you're wearing the exact same outfit, doing the exact same thing.

18:25New York, you're so right. You can wear anything to anywhere. A BDSM outfit and people are like, she's going somewhere. Yeah.

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22:34Hannah Berner: Wait, since this is a sports podcast, the next thing I wanted to bring up that's really causing me anxiety is the FIFA World Cup. Where are they putting all these goddamn people? Where is it? It's in New Jersey. What? It's at MetLife. What? But like how are they getting there? Wait, foreigners going to New Jersey makes me laugh so hard. Well, it's like a whole crazy thing because everyone's like, well, we'll just walk to the stadium. Everyone in New Jersey is like, no, no. Wait, British people in New Jersey makes me laugh so much. Anyone in New Jersey makes me laugh. Italians in New Jersey, they're going to like fight with the American Italians.

23:13Hannah Berner: They changed like all the Airbnb rules. Like now everyone's Airbnb-ing their house. Wow. I'm nervous about that. I'm just confused. Just like MetLife is such a man because like they're like, yeah, like we can do it. Like we'll host it. And it's like, OK, like we're going to come. We're going to go to MetLife. Have you ever done this before? Yeah. Like we're going to go to MetLife's house this weekend. Like did you get all the necessary like drinks and like food? And MetLife's kind of like, yeah, we'll figure it out when you get here. And it's like, OK, well, there's nowhere to park. I love that you're in all the New Jersey neighborhood like drama.

23:47Are you going to be a New Jersey housewife? No. started watching rhode island their accent is a combination of new york and boston i do also like don't tell love island they'll blow their mind

24:01Hannah Berner: don't tell love island where rhode island is they'll freak out i can't get myself to watch love island i saw that intro that was kind of catchy what was the intro what's with the music video that they do for the intro they go oh yeah and then go like this with their arms see if i'm mariana i'm getting that taken out of my contract but she loves singing and dancing oh she but like i if someone said we're doing a music video before i'm like no also are the people like getting in a huge fight and crying and then they're like hey we have to actually shoot the intro right now like you know how reality tv works you know they just like someone just got in a fight and they were like now we're doing the intro well no because it's real time oh wait did you watch it the intro i just see it on my tiktok and it's really funny were the contestants in together like it was like separate then they shoot they shoot it separately oh and then one girl was like doing splits the whole time and i'm like that would have been me if i knew how to do a split thank god you don't know how to do thank that would actually i think it would ruin our friendship no for sure i'd be in a split right now yeah speaking of splits i would end every sentence with the split period that would be my period um also did you see dua lipa's wedding you loved it i love her i'm obsessed with her because i love people where i'm like that's not a real person that's not a real person that's not a real life story you're telling me they met reading the same book yeah come on yeah come on i did see some like tiktok drama i'm lucky if a guy like can read a text i can't even think of something knows what's he seeing is so low at 33 reading the same book and they were on the same chapter and he said to her i guess we're on the same page shut up all the publishers put that together i think that romantic stuff doesn't happen to me because i would be like wait like if a guy was sitting next to me and we were reading the same book and he was like ha ha we're on the same page i'd be like get away from me not to put grace on blast for the third time on this podcast but we love her dating stories and i'm not gonna get into detail of it but she basically went on this like horrible date and at the end he said one of the funniest things i've ever heard he just goes after a horrible date like horror like the worst shit you can imagine he looks at her and he goes we're gonna make history together and i think that's how i'm gonna end every phone call from now on like how did you not call the police after that like history am i gonna be in a netflix doc where like i'm fucking my skin is hanging in a basement like what do you mean we're making history together from now on that's how i'm changing my signature in my email like that is we're gonna make history he also told her my dad is paying for this which low-key i'm like at least i know where the source is coming from at least i have an honest king to dig yeah for like info yeah okay update secret lives of mormons yeah so as you guys know page like put on a season three were you in season three who knows who knows but i was like okay i'll just start you watched it in like a crazy format crazy format because i felt like if i watched it this way i wasn't like actually watching it yeah you're tricking yourself so i was like i'll watch i'll finish watching what page put on right and then i was like well that doesn't make sense so i'm gonna go to the season before that yeah so i finally last night was like okay none of this makes sense because i'm watching it in reverse let me go to season one let's just watch season one episode one and i finally committed i need to like write whitney levitt a handwritten note also demi is so hard to say i want to say demi so bad but i think you can i respect her culture yeah no one was mad at demie at all in the first season yeah no no because they hated whitney so much and then it like immediately flip-flop no it's it's some of the best reality tv and but the edit is so clear to me like there's this moment where you could tell whitney has a reason she doesn't like taylor and you're allowed to like be hurt and not like someone well because whitney really she's not fake because they are all mormon and a lot of them are married and like love their husbands whitney i think takes her marriage not even like the religion aspect i think she takes her marriage the most serious of like all the other girls the other girls are like i will divorce tomorrow if you let me yeah which i like I love that too.

28:46Hannah Berner: I love that too. But I feel like she, her and her husband, I feel like they really do love each other. This is the thing with reality TV too is you have to be fake to make it work. Totally. Where Whitney, she's like, you told everyone that me and my husband were swinging. He also was cheating on me. She opens up and tells everyone. And I'm not saying anyone's good or evil or to root for Whitney. When I was watching it, I was like, Whitney's also a performer. So you could tell that she was giving them stuff. Like even the Fruity Pebbles thing, you could tell the producers were like, this will be a great scene.

29:21We don't have anything going on tonight. Can you just put this together? She'll think it's funny. She showed up and did her job. She didn't do anything that you, you could tell it was like for TV. And then when. There was nothing life ruining. Also, you know, the episode starts and Taylor Franky Paul is like, I just hope that all my friends show up to this baby shower, even though I haven't seen them all in a year. and last time they saw me, I was getting arrested. But I hope they all come to support me. And every three seconds, I hope all my friends are going to be there. I hope all my friends are going to be there.

29:52You know that the producers told Whitney, like, some people are coming, some aren't. Like, whatever, you don't have to go. Yeah. So then the whole thing becomes how horrible Whitney is. And Whitney's like, I haven't talked to her in a year. That's weird. Yeah. And that's totally that. Wait, you're just supposed to show up at the baby trunk at a baby shower you don't really want to go to? I'm like I don't even want to be here

30:13Hannah Berner: look at how my gift is the best and now I'm leaving and then there's a scene where Whitney and Taylor finally have their talk to like work it out and as someone who understands a little how the sausage is made you can tell that the conversation is going too well they're getting along they're understanding each other Taylor's like I understand I hurt you and I'm sorry and Whitney's like thank you for listening and then they're like Demi go fuck that shit up like demi runs in and then just starts yelling at whitney and i'm like whitney and taylor it was working too good and producers were like we gotta create a fight how is there not a scripted show about a reality show unreal is like the one show yeah but that's almost like they tried they made that show so serious like that show wasn't funny Yeah.

31:04Hannah Berner: Yeah. And and it is there's a I think there's like to it. Yeah. There's a funniness to thinking about like all these people sitting because they do sitting around like a boardroom and being like, what's going to really piss her off this summer? Yeah. You know, like what's going to really grind her gears? Yeah. So but then also the fact that like Whitney just kept crying and like feeling misunderstood and like running away. Like the fact that people saw that and were like, fuck her. She's evil. It's just the masses can be asses. You heard it here first. The masses can be asses. Well, yeah, also, like, there's something really dark that people that you don't know have the power to, like, change your reputation from year to year.

31:56Hannah Berner: Like, Whitney went from the most hated to then, like, okay, semi-hated to then the most loved. Loved. And she's the same person. And she's the same person throughout the whole thing. And so that's, like, really mental. I didn't watch season two. She definitely stopped talking, right? A little bit, yeah. She was like, cool. Guess I'm not gonna, like, get it. I guess every time I talk, it's going to be a thing. So I'm going to stop talking. So it's really, there's like such a lack of critical thinking skills from a lot of people. But yeah, I love revisiting things that in the moment was everyone jumped on the bandwagon.

32:29I hate a bandwagon. Yeah, you do. I hate it. The second I see it, I'm like, I can't support this bandwagon. Like, I don't even know what happened. And I'm like, I don't like this bandwagon. But people, it's like when people see a line outside and they're like, it must be good. I'm going to wait in that line. I'm really like.

32:42Hannah Berner: Those are psychotic people. Yeah, but I don't believe the line. I don't think I've ever met someone that's waited in a line like that. Next time you see a bandwagon or a line, think twice, okay? That's how we're going to. Wait, I have a question for you because this came up in just like my daily life last night. And then I was like, oh, I wonder what Hannah does. How do you organize like your day, like your to-do list for the day? I have a notes app that says shit to do. Like the iPhone notes app or you have a separate notes app? Okay. and you do have like a an everyday one i have like this is a to-do list and it's literally just for today it's like my life one that i'm like because every day i try to get it down to zero oh wow but the truth is you try and get that list down to zero how many things are on that list right now so i have four like things these are like work things that aren't don't need to get done um where what's like your like oh yeah then there's a to-do now oh my god then there's a different from the other to-do yeah that's a long to-do then you have like a i've actually got immediate to-do honestly because my special's out i'm kind of living like fuck my day-to-day i'm like we just gotta focus on the special right now okay but my to-do list on my phone runs my life how do you know what like what how do you do your calendar um like my calendar also are you using do you know Des doesn't use a calendar on his phone.

34:08No. Also, I have to apologize. Everyone's mad. He's not a boomer. He's a Gen X. I apologize. It's just boomers way funnier to say. Oh, my God. That's giving.

34:18Hannah Berner: I'm not Gen Z. I'm. Shut up. No, people were like, your husband's not a boomer. And I was like, he's my husband. I'll talk shit when I want to. Whatever. Both of them left us in a housing crisis. So does it really matter? I said, you don't use your Google calendar. and he's like i'm like how do you know what's happening two weeks from now and he points to his head that's how people used to do stuff back then though no people always had calendars even though it wasn't in their phone he's not i don't know how he does anything if i don't write it down it doesn't happen it's not happening i have my calendar my calendar runs everything but my problem is if i don't look at it in the morning like i'm fucked okay my notes app is also I treat it as like a manifestation so like so I don't have it doesn't say to-do list it says I get to like I get to do this isn't that beautiful I made it up in my head did you really yeah and then each day I have it like my schedule and then my to-do list someone DM me and said I You might be a little OCD.

35:27Hannah Berner: And I said, hmm, let me look into it. So that's on your list too. I get to be OCD. I think I could be slightly a little OCD. Well, look, not to overanalyze. We've made a whole career of it. Please. I actually have been getting less and less anxious. I socialized all weekend and I didn't give a fuck. But this is the thing with OCD. It all is combined. so like you can get OCD because you're trying to control the future which is a symptom of anxiety like I would be OCD when I had a tennis match I would have to like do all these like anything I didn't want to do I'd make myself do or like someone would like drop trash like across the street and I'd be like I'm gonna go pick that up because I'll win my match if I do like I would like do like that's almost like a superstitious flash but like if I didn't do it I'd feel like interesting do you get that when you are gonna do your special i was i get a little a little freaky like right before a big event where i'm just like where you have to do random tasks i i just like sometimes i'll do things i don't want to do because i think it's good karma something a man's never said sometimes i do things i don't want to do never they've never done that um yeah i get that but anyway i get to i get to do stuff i get to and i think that's a really beautiful do you know if you started a book called i get to you could be mel robbins actually she's gonna steal it she's already written it the new i get to let them is i get to i get to be annoyed today like i get to be i get to be pissed off yeah i get to be irritated like this morning i was like anxious and then i was like why i get to like go hang out with my friend in her dirty apartment yeah on her couch yeah which just be myself you love slumming it up with me i love it because i can like there's no pressure my dad visited me yesterday and he's we like ate chinese food and then he started like cleaning it up and i was like hey hey it's cool chill here you don't have to do that here i go mom's not here mom's out for the night the parents are away the kids will play you are the definition of that like at 34 you're like i was like no parents here we can leave the plates in the sink forever who's gonna get my dad looks at me he's like this is awesome wait seriously i was like we could drink as many sodas as you want but my dad when actually when i was low with my dad he'd be like let's get ice cream don't tell mom yeah would your dad do that stuff ever um no because he was really scared of her no my dad's scared of my mom the only time that's ever happened is one time my dad took me to the gas station and they behind the thing they had these like light up belly button rings and i was like dad i don't get that light up belly button ring like i think i'll die and i was like eight and he was like totally and so he buys me this light up belly button ring and i go home and i'm like i put it in my belly button it's a fake one yeah obviously it's like this little like button thing that you like clicked and it like was all these colors and you put it in i'm believing in the gas station and my mom took one look at it and she was like what the fuck is that she was so mad at my dad she took she's like that's a gateway drug next to you know she's on a pole yeah literally she was like you're never i could never pierce my belly button i still think about it all the time do you remember when girls were piercing their belly button yeah it's actually like really upsetting to me i never crossed my desk i was like the owl i think i cried about it at like 17 like please let me get my belly button pierce their lip do you remember the girls are piercing their lip no you are a real new yorker yeah in new york girls they had crazy piercings no one time i did buy like a fake tongue ring because you're a freak yeah and i loved it but like i was like i'm gonna choke and die because it was like a suction cup yeah i wore it like to one night out and i was like it's not who i am like i want to be her but it's just like it's not who i am no girls would have like one lip ring and it looked so uncomfortable i was like how do you speak how do you do anything but it was like they committed to the bit you know what i never liked like i didn't mind a nose ring but i never understood when girls would get like their eyebrow pierced like that always freaked me out i was like oh you're mischievous you're cool yeah like you do you stay out do you know i would do now if i was 22 what i would shave part of my eyebrow like a line in my eyebrow why why do you have to be 22 you get to you get to be any age you want you totally do you can be any age you want but we are of the age where now like i'll put an outfit on i'm like it's a little too young for me i know which is weird i went to a club on friday night and i was and i put an outfit on and i was like no i can't wear that to a club what'd you wear i wore sheer i wore wait i didn't even tell you this no you saw my tiktok yeah oh wait no you were waiting to announce that you're women can you i actually saw it and i was like i'm saving it tell me in depth like details i have these black sheer capris from magda bootrum but they're like regular pants like they have like a zipper and like a button but they're completely sheer and they give you these like black granny panties to like basically wear with them i lost the underwear that goes with the pants and i was like you could have instacarted underpants it didn't even cross my mind because i had to leave in like 20 minutes so i was like okay and i wasn't there at the time because i would have given you options i didn't have any black like bathing suit bottoms that were like full coverage the fact you don't have one granny panty lying around i don't own one thing that covers my ass yeah you don't have any bikinis that cover your butt no why who makes them i've never seen one it's ever crossed my desk i've never seen one all my underwear even my period underwear chic sexy laced they're laced like they're gorgeous so i'm like what the fuck am i gonna do i have one pair of like victoria's secret where it's like a thick band but it's still a thong but it's like cheeky kind of yeah so i put them on and i'm like no my whole asshole is still out i take another pair of underwear and you know how like a thong obviously the front is more coverage so i flipped it around so then i i had two pairs of underwear on so you are basically thonging yourself from the front and my body guillotining yourself my vagina i'm like don't worry it'll just be a couple hours if there was any time anytime i was gonna get a uti it was in that moment because i'm like so my vagina is like suffocating you get to have a uti i get to there's some girls out there that don't even have a vagina and they'd love a uti um wait that's incredible yeah so i was like so proud of myself so i wore sheer capris and this like gold top and i loved my outfit do you know that when someone comes over to give me a spray tan i don't have a thong well like i do have a thong wait the only thong i have is like a lace thong that i've never worn but i have for emergencies i'm not wearing a lace thong to get spray tan so i wear my granny panties and then i just scrunch it in my butt like i give myself a wedgie and i go go for it wait hannah i'm going naked i'm not going naked i have first of I have a family.

43:37Wait. Wait. I don't go naked.

43:41Hannah Berner: Am I weird for going naked? Yeah. I'm labia out. She's like, kick your leg out. I'm like, for sure, girl. Dude, I'm naked even if I have my period. I've got a tampon in there. Like, string out. And you're just hanging out. It's two girls. She's spray tanning me. We know what we're here for. I know. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I'm a prude. I'm like, also, I'm like, this girl's had a day. She doesn't need to see my labia. I mean, I do think when they're like, turn around and bend, I'm like, this is a little uncomfy. Also, it's like you just met them. I'm like, let's go to first base first.

44:16Like, second base. Maybe like over time, I'll be like, I'm ready to take my underwear off.

44:20Hannah Berner: It doesn't even cross my mind. I'm like, yeah. When you go to a massage, do you take it all off? No. Well, no. No. Some people do. Take their underwear off during a massage? Yeah, because they're like, I don't want a wedgie when they're like doing it. Oh, but you have a thong. No, because there's no way people. Are you wearing a thong and a massage? Yeah. Because sometimes you have to take one leg out. So how are they doing no underwear? Well, then they put. And I do like a guy masseuse. Sue me. But their hands are bigger. And dare I say they are stronger. Don't come for me. I do prefer a male masseuse.

44:59Hannah Berner: I want a gay male masseuse. i don't care because the first time i ever had a guy masseuse i literally stopped and i was like wait it's so much better when your whole hand is on my whole neck like it feels different honestly okay you know what i'm trying to say every female masseuse list also saying female this just turned into a red pill podcast but every woman masseuse is listening they've trained their whole lives I know. It's an art form, and you're like, I want a man. I know. I think – I'm part of the problem. I get it. Some – look, I think it's some men are good, some men are bad. I don't want them to be good-looking because I don't want to feel like I'm, like, on a date.

45:39Hannah Berner: No, absolutely not. Well, I've never, like, looked them in the face. If you're going to be good-looking, be, like, really good-looking where I'm like, okay, this is fun. But if they're, like, just, like, normal good-looking, I'm like, I don't want to – I have to, like – Do you think there are any women out here getting, like, happy endings at a massage? Yeah. Like, where? Do you think it's like really upscale places that you would like never think? Or do you think it's like country clubs? I always think it's country clubs. Women are doing it and I need them to start. I need like a secret anonymous board where they're writing where they're doing it.

46:09Hannah Berner: Because they just want to know what's the vibe. Wait, I never told you the story, but I went to a place that was seedy once. Because you know me. I'm getting a Groupon. Yeah, you'll go anywhere. I'm getting a Groupon. A foot massage,$15. Hell yeah, you're there. At one point in the beginning of the massage, because in the back of my head, I'm like, is this a place where they can... Like a rub and tug. I don't know. Yeah. And at one point in the beginning, she says, your body's really sexy. So the entire massage, I can't relax. I can't relax because I'm like, she's going to give me a happy ending.

46:43The entire time, every time she tells me to do something, I'm like, and that's when they stick it in. Like the whole time I'm in my head, like I can't enjoy it at all. I'm freaking out because, you know, I'm a prude. So I'm freaking out. And then. No, I would have left. I would have been freaking out. But then at the end, she's like, thank you. And then I'm like, am I the creep? Maybe she didn't say sexy. Maybe she said. No, she said sexy. I think. I don't know what happened, but I think I was like sweating at one point. And she's like, get out. Like, I was so scared. But isn't it funny if like she never was going to do it.

47:19And the whole time I thought she was.

47:20Hannah Berner: Oh, my gosh. But then part of me, then, like, it's a full hour, so then a quarter way through, I was like, I could do this. Like, just do it. Do it for the story. People don't talk about these enough. Like, they're out there. They exist. Like, there's definitely, like, five, a street over in New York City. I do feel like if the men are doing it, the girls should be doing it. It's just, like, harder for women because you have to, like, mentally be present. But this is the thing. You get to.

47:55no you get to have a happy ending you get to yeah i think in like hopefully in like 20 years the way you go to get a facial you can just go and get a couple orgasms no i don't want to do that and that's your your catholic guilt i feel is that it's yeah yeah yeah i think that's bad that's naughty no it's not if people orgasm more they'd be i literally was googling i'm like has layla from more of my wives had an orgasm yet because it's been three seasons has she no she's kids apparently she has oh she has i do think like everyone's giggling about it

48:32Hannah Berner: and i'm like this isn't funny but it's not a joke no it's not funny no it's not funny at all it's actually not funny because she's funny at all she has two kids she's two kids she's been married before multiple times and not one man has given her an orgasm and they were joking like take this toy home and she's like i'm like no take the toy home and figure it out also her exes must be so embarrassed i'm like if i'm any of her ex-boyfriends i'm changing my name literally has orgasmed and she just loves making all their exes look bad like she brings a guy on and she's like couldn't orgasm with him that's the that I love that fun this episode is sponsored by cars.com I was laying in bed today which is my literal office and I realized that life is just a series of different characters one day I'm quiet luxury in a trench coat and the next I'm errand girl in a matching sweat the problem is my car needs to match the vibe I have decision making skills of a person who takes three hours to choose a pasta shape which is why I need help when it comes to cars Cars.com actually makes it easy.

49:37Hannah Berner: You have over 2 million new and used. That's 2 million possibilities for who I want to be this month. They have advanced search filters, over 200 of them. So you can find the exact interior and it won't clash with your favorite bag. And for my girls who like a smart investment, they have deal badges. It literally tells you if the price is fair so you don't have to guess. It's basically like having a personal shopper for your driveway. What I love is that you aren't just winging it. They have real reviews from real people who actually drive these cars. So you can explore every single option from your bed until you find the perfect fit.

50:12Hannah Berner: It's all about the research, the tools, and the expert advice. Wherever life takes you next and whoever you're looking to be, there's a car for that on cars.com. Start your search with cars.com. Where to next? Okay, we're going to ELI5 Venmo. Nothing gets me going like an ELI5. All right, Hannah, ELI5. Explain it to me like I'm five spending your Venmo balance. So if someone Venmo's you and you have the Venmo debit MasterCard, you get instant access to your Venmo balance. In other words, you can spend that money immediately. And with the Venmo debit card, there's no monthly fee or minimum balance required.

50:46Oh, and you can also check out online or an app with Venmo. Same thing, instant balance access. Now, Paige, ELI 5 Venmo Stash.

50:55Hannah Berner: You join Venmo Stash Rewards and earn up to 5 % cash back. Anything more? You asked me to E-L-I-5-E-U. The more you use Venmo, the more you earn, and that's pretty much it. Okay, we love. And while we're at it, do you want to E-L-L-5 why you still haven't paid me back for the smoothies from this week? My Venmo balance would like to know. Get the Venmo debit card or check out with Venmo. The Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bank Corp Bank N.A. Venmo stash bundle terms and exclusions apply. Max$100 per month. See terms at Venmo.me slash stash terms. Venmo checkout not available at all merchants.

51:30Hannah Berner: you guys know we love liquid iv and if there's one thing you definitely need now that it's summer it's to be hydrated sometimes you spend all day tanning and when it's time to go back to your hotel room or just your house and get ready for dinner you want to skip it but with just one stick and 16 ounces of water liquid iv hydrates you faster than water alone so you can make it to your dinner reservations and look we might all have different reasons why we want to stay hydrated this summer. Some people could be going on a hike. Good for them. I could never. I'm going to be laying in the sun and so I need to be hydrated for that.

52:05Hannah Berner: And if that doesn't get you excited for dinner in the summer, Liquid IV now has a new juicy tart flavor and it's a ring pop. The perfect whimsy for summer nights. It's a tart cherry flavor which is just so nostalgic and has the perfect amount of hydration. Liquid IV sugar-free is the only clinically tested hydration solution clinically demonstrated to hydrate faster than water it has three times the electrolytes of leading sports drinks and makes for refreshing on-the-go hydration with eight essential vitamins for sugar-free hydration it helps include fluid availability to the body which is more hydrating than water alone so say yes to unforgettable moments with liquid iv's new hydration multiplier sugar-free ring pop tear pour live more go to liquidiv.com and get 20 off your first purchase with code Giggly at checkout.

52:54Hannah Berner: That's 20 % off your first purchase with Giggly at liquidiv.com. Giggling in bed brought to you by Mattress Firm. Summer is here and if you're a hot sleeper, this time of year is genuinely brutal. You're already warm, you're outside more, you're doing more, and then you finally get into bed at night exhausted. And instead of actually recovering, you wake up at 3 a.m. trunched in sweat, feeling like you ran a half marathon in your sleep. And you just kind of accept that this is your life. Like this is simply who I am as a person now. But here's the thing, and I genuinely did not know this for a long time, a lot of common sleep problems actually come down to your mattress.

53:32Hannah Berner: And while there are plenty of reasons you might sleep hot, the right mattress can make a huge difference. Mattress firm sleep experts have the training and the tools to match you with the perfect mattress from their curated selection of America's best mattress brands, including options with the latest cooling technology so you can actually sleep through the night. If you're experiencing a sleep problem that is keeping you up at night, Mattress Firm is here to help. For the great sleep you deserve, visit Mattress Firm during the 4th of July sale. They make sleep easy. I love being obsessed with the show like 10 years after everyone's obsessed with it.

54:07I was just going to say, it hasn't been on.

54:10Hannah Berner: Season 1 hasn't been on in 4 years. And when you brought it up for the first time, I was like, oh my god, I don't care about this show. But she's asking her family if she could do like a sex toy. promo. Yes. Early on in my career I did a lot of sex toy promos because sexual wellness is important. It's part of the patriarchy to tell us that we shouldn't know our bodies and understand our bodies and that's sexual wellness and actually you live longer when you have more orgasms so anyway I digress. Me and Grace just looked at each other like you were gonna start yelling at us. By the way, do you know that there's NYX makeup came out with a butt mask?

54:52Like, for your butt cheek. Like, it covers your butt cheek, and it, like, helps whatever women are. Like, exfoliate it? I don't know, but, like, the girls are excited about it. Like a brightening mask? For your butt? Yeah, like a turmeric.

55:08Hannah Berner: Like a turmeric mask? Turmeric? Yeah, turmeric. a turmeric mask like tumor it's like orange it's actually like that color oh wait say turmeric again turmeric turmeric turmeric turmeric turmeric and i will beat you this fucking microphone we go we're like a hot hit someone we're like in a hockey game where when it gets we start fighting we then go just let him fight it out yeah like you've never hit your brother before or like your little cousin or like you know because he was younger than me so it was like i would get in trouble if i hit him i think when i was like really little i probably hit him smacked him around a bit i remember once i squeezed his head because i couldn't hit him so i just squeezed his head i feel like the last time i like really hit someone was my brother and i feel like i was if i had an older brother i would beat the shit out of him yeah yeah people always talk about like sisters how they fight like okay i was still fighting too at home it's just like mine was way less fair yeah like i also feel like playing sports i was like hitting tennis balls every day like i played basketball where i was like you were getting your aggression out yeah like i that's how i i had to run hide hit stop drop and roll and then make sure i had a clear exit plan because then i would be fucked if i was planning an execution i had to also have an exit route well shout out to stewart fullerton my favorite joke she does is if you hit if don't trust guys with sisters because it means they can hit women very easily like i would they've hit a woman they want to do it again like run unplug like any type of gaming device and then run away can my ass beat oh my god that's iconic though because he'll never recover that game yeah because you're just and then you run this is mean quick action i hope taylor swift does that to travis kelsey every now and then wait msg yeah is that that's not real it's real i don't think so i have sources okay let's take a bet right now i think that that is gonna end up being like a crazy rumor you think that that's 100 % true.

57:24Yeah. Where in MSG? Great question. I mean, they're inviting like everyone they've ever met. She's going hard, but you know what? Good for her. Like she wants a wedding. She wants a moment. Logistically though. She does the heiress tour. This is nothing for her.

57:40Hannah Berner: No, but I'm saying like logistically, is it she's walking down? Everyone's in the stands. Why is it giving Joel Olsteen? Yeah, I'm like, where are they all sitting in the stands or it's everyone's going to be on the floor she's walking down the aisle or is she coming out from like okay these are really good questions actually because how are they decorating msg also is there part of people that like are just in the stands watching and then there's people that are actually like are they going to take down the jerseys because like aesthetic are they going to put it in the ice i don't think it's true there's no way i think that's so crazy unless she's pulling a fast one I think it's like a big hoax and she wants people to be distracted and she's just going to be like in a backyard in Rhode Island that's what I think I think it's going to be at like a very beautiful estate that's like a couple hundred people because that's what you want because that's what I think I should have just something low key but so chic you die are you still into Italy?

58:45Hannah Berner: 200 of my closest friends are you still in italy having a wedding in italy yeah no because you want to know what i've heard from like a lot of girlfriends who have gotten married they're like you have to have a an italian wedding planner oh that's where you put the foot down that's her i'm actually because you're like the whole time they'll be like well they'll do nothing they'll be eating lunch they'll do nothing they'll be like actually we're off this week so that's crazy um so you can't trust them Yeah, they randomly go to church during like... They'd be like, it's fine. You don't need chairs for everyone.

59:20Hannah Berner: They'll just pray to St. Anthony for everything. And you're like, no, you actually have to call someone. Yeah. By the way, our Dunkin' Refreshers are so, so good. I got the Mako pineapple, obviously, with green tea. And I got strawberry dragon fruit. Wait, did you also see how the videos about the FIFA players being like, wait, the American heat is like so insane? Like they're so hot here. Really? Because Europe is super hot. Right. And they, and we have air conditioning. I think they just don't want to go to New Jersey. Wow. They're making up excuses. A lot of things happen there. They're making up excuses.

59:58Hannah Berner: I am so confused why it is in New Jersey, though. I just think that's like so dumb. They do a lot of sporting events in New Jersey. Yeah, but this is like so many fucking people. This is like so many more people, I feel like. I've never seen you more passionate about something. Well, because where are all these people going to park? You're like, I can't go to sleep tonight. No, because the traffic in New York City is going to be so insane. Well, it's like they're doing the Olympics in LA. Why?

1:00:30Hannah Berner: I hate these big group sporting events. I know. Like, I guess they get to, though. Yeah. They get to. They get to. You guys, lastly, we got to number one on Hulu. because of the gigglers oh hell yeah because of the fucking gigglers i live for the gigglers i die by the gigglers i do everything for the gigglers do you feel like relieved now i've i feel just so happy that i can put out something and people will watch it that's yes that's no but as an artist you get to yeah you get to wait i didn't even mean to say it you get to put out art like so many people put out art and they want people to see it but no one sees it the fact that I have people excited to watch it and enjoy it.

1:01:13It makes me want to cry. That is so sweet.

1:01:15Hannah Berner: Thank you. So anyone, if you guys enjoyed it, stream it again today. Tell one person, a frenemy, an enemy, an ex, a lover. Wait, imagine just randomly texting your ex, being like, hey, you should watch a Hannah Byrne special. And don't be specific. Wait, I'm going to do that. That would be great. He'll learn something. He'll learn something for sure. So I love you guys so much for supporting our art. and we'll talk to you later thank you Duncan for partnering with us for this episode so good honestly I was falling asleep refreshers

1:01:54Hannah Berner: imagine having an assistant who remembers everything your favorite spots in town a new deal on those jeans you've been eyeing the fact that you need at least a 10 minute breather between meetings an AI assistant that doesn't just answer questions it actually does things books, tracks, plans, and handles the chaos so you don't have to. It learns your life and keeps up with it. That's Alexa Plus and it's free with Prime. Learn more at amazon.com slash Alexa Plus. This episode is brought to you by Experian Boost. Red flag, he Venmo requests you for coffee. Green flag, he raises his FICO score with Experian Boost.

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1:03:07Hannah Berner: Download the Experian app for free today. Results will vary. Users who received a boost improved their FICO score 8 from Experian by an average of 14 points. See website, app store, or Experian.com for details. Results will vary. Not all payments are Boost eligible. Users who received a boost improved their FICO score 8 from Experian by an average of 14 points. Some may not see improved scores or approval odds. Not all lenders use Experian credit files, and not all lenders use scores impacted by Experian Boost. See Experian.com for details.