Giggling about housewives, brand deals, and anal beads

0:00Hannah Berner: Thank you for calling the Bombas Comfort Line. Bombas make socks, slippers, tees, and underwear made with the highest quality materials. Press 1 for comfort, 2 for style, 3 for donation. You chose style. Bombas is styles for whatever you enjoy. You can run in Bombas, lounge in Bombas, dress them up, dress them down, but always give back in Bombas. Because with every item purchased, another is donated. Bombas, comfort worth calling for. Go to bombas.com slash audio and use code audio for 20 % off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com and use code audio. Spring Fest is heating up at Lowe's.

0:34And for a limited time, we have the extra big deals you need to impress guests. Get your outdoor space ready and save$50 on a select Cobalt 24-volt blower kit. Now$79. Plus, save$80 on a Char-Broil Performance 4-Burner Grill. Now$199. It's springtime, and our best lineup is here at Lowe's. Valid to 413. While supplies last, selection varies by location.

1:17hello my groundbreaking gigglers are we on oh we're on we're on we're live we're here can i just do a quick psa sure because you know we like to keep it real yeah on the pod yeah we're fucking like we're vulnerable and real i just know that most people when they stop listening to the pod they think to themselves hannah's perfect like that's the first thing you get from you're like oh

1:43Hannah Berner: my god hannah's so perfect she's aspirational yet inspirational she's a redhead yet also a bruna how does she do it believe in yourself but um I just want you guys know I'm actually not perfect I failed my Invisalign like I had it perfect at one point and everyone was like oh you're so perfect and then it I actually felt like I wasn't relatable because my teeth were like really fucking straight so then this last year I've I haven't done it and I think I have to do the like walk of shame where I have to go back to the dentist and be like hey how y 'all doing and I I have to start Invisalign over because the bottom of my teeth look like a cemetery that like is a bad cemetery.

2:26Hannah Berner: I hate to kick you when you're down. I truly, truly do. No, I know because you're on your shit. Well, I just finished and I'm going to go get my permanent retainer like next week because I can't be trusted to wear it every single night. I can't either, especially with all the travel. So I'm going to get a permanent one on my bottom teeth and then I'm going to see if I'm going to do Invisalign for my top because I had to separate them. Are you more of an Invisalign top or bottom? I went bottom first, which I wonder what that says about me. I know. I'm a chaotic bottom. That's what someone told me.

2:59Hannah Berner: We're a messy bottom. We're a strong bottom. We are messy bottoms. We're matching. We are. Well, I do have to say, you guys, when you hang out the amount of time that me and you hang out and talk, you do start getting the same words. Sorry, my Instacart just gave me an alert that they are, in fact, going to send me a different toaster. Are you okay with that? I'm okay with that. Is the aesthetic right? I'm on a real toast. I don't care because I'm on like a real, you know. What are you toasting? My meal right now, this is going to be disgusting. Okay. And I'm eating over and over again. Your hyper fixation meal?

3:31Hannah Berner: Tuna sandwich. Okay. You're speaking to the tuna queen. I enable that. But only homemade, not ordering tuna. How much mayo are you putting in it? I'm moderate to, I'm heavier rather than being light. Are you doing mustard? No. Are you doing relish? No. No relish? No. Are you doing lemon? I'm doing tuna, mayo, onion powder, garlic powder, salt, pepper, cheese on my sandwich. But I don't toast the bread because I don't like a tuna melt. Hot tuna is legal. It's not for me. And then I'm doing Lay's Ruffles. Hashtag sponsored by Lay's. then i'm doing on it sweet no on the side okay then i'm doing american cheese on it though then i'm doing sweet baby petite pickles if you only fuck around with like dill pickles or you and you're not in the sweet baby pickle game you're really you just love them because they're little and cute not because they actually taste better they're sweet they're cute wait also you would use american cheese love it craft single right from the fucking plastic american cheese is so american like you know all the other cheese look at look at it and they're like you're so annoying well they're like you're made in a lab you're made in lab you're fake you are like the loudest but you don't actually taste wait have you seen that thing where people are trying to be like you i can tell if you're in um ivf baby they're saying that they're prettier so like upside but yeah i'm really but i don't think that's i just never looked at someone and been like made in a petri dish growing up in parksville brooklyn there were a lot of power lesbians and just like power women who had like huge careers and then at 42 did ivf and they all popped out like twins it was so chic they just pop out twins once so i had a lot of twins friends and i'm like who's your mom and they'd say like the fucking founder and ceo of something so i knew that it was twins but I didn't I don't remember the twins being particularly good looking a twin listening was like okay what's with them I do find twins to be a bit freaky like just the science of it it's like oh my god the egg split in half and now there's two of you like if you really break it down it's like quite weird yeah but I do envy their I really do feel like they're telepathic they like feel the same thing I think that is very fascinating I do also think people with ivf kids you know i don't know about you but my family would joke a lot but like my dad i'd say something like hey can i have five dollars for pizza and he'd be like you owe me three hundred thousand dollars like he would just like come up with numbers of like the expenses of just being my dad yeah but like i wonder if moms who were like i spent what a hundred k possibly to like have you like treat them differently than like an accident or a mistake that is so Was that too dark?

6:30Hannah Berner: Dark. So dark. It's the morning. Because, okay, you could argue the same sentiment for, like, a dog you adopt versus a dog you buy. Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no. No, because the dog you adopt, you're like, you, I saved your life. No, I would argue you love them equally. Okay, yeah, yeah. Just like your children. yeah but like 50 000 for a baby it's or like if the kid did anything i'd be like you owe me money no like you owe me money if they're disrespectful you're like i literally paid for you and now you're turning on me like you came into this world with value and i gave you that value wait i have something that's like kind of annoying me but i don't bring it up this is this this is space to do it it might be a bit controversial and i don't mean it to be because you've never said something controversial though so don't worry i'm and i'll agree with you regardless what you say so here for the gays i want the gays okay i'm out of this i don't want to be a part of this okay no it's wait just follow me follow me i'm so here for the gays i want them to get all the brand deals I don't care if you wear makeup if you don't wear makeup I don't care I don't care do whatever I want you to have equal opportunity with that said something came across my desk now you watched the last season of Trader so you know Rob yes Roush I know him from Love Island I don't even remember that season now I didn't know his last name was Roush yeah I just learned that how the fuck do you spell roush anyway continue anyway it's not important i digress so and not to say that you can't come back from a reality tv edit not to say that like you should be held to your edit in a game show he won the game why are you coming for me right now forgive hannah she never had sex in the bathroom okay and we're here to say it here and now Anyway, we digress.

8:36Hannah Berner: Back to my story. So like whatever. Rob should do as many brand deals as he gets. Fine. He has an ad right now for Kosas. Lip plumper. He wasn't wearing the product. Well, no, he's not. And like, that's why I'm saying like, if there's a gay man that's like, I wear lip gloss and they gave him a brand deal. I'd be like, yeah, I got it. A hot man selling lip plumper and talking about it in the, like the ad is him being like I feel everything I feel hot and then I feel cold like I don't know if the lip plumper is like cooling and then like warm I don't know what the objective was but I know we're talking about it we're talking about it but it didn't make me like go by Kosis now when Sarah Pidgeon did road I thought iconic oh should I buy a red lip gloss for the summer Well, this reminds me, do you remember when Matt Reif did an Elf commercial and people rioted?

9:36Oh, did they? They took down the commercial in like five hours. They were like, why the fuck?

9:40Hannah Berner: Well, didn't they have other problematic things? Yes, yes, yes. But I'm saying there was the overlying, like, why is a man getting paid to promote female beauty standards kind of thing? Yeah. I have to say, I am wearing Koza's lip. If we could do a little close-up. Must we? Is that funny? And does her right? But that's using the product. I think I'm wearing makeup by my hair. Men getting brand deals in general gives me hives. Freaks me out. I don't like it at all. I don't like it at all. Don't tell women what to buy. We're already getting 70 cents on the dollar. Don't tell me to waste my money on more shit.

10:18Hannah Berner: If you're a man and you're in the situation that you are getting brand deals, yeah, I feel like they should be for you guys. make other men feel ugly and tell them that like they need to like color their hair or they need to use eye patches or pimple patches don't mark it to me a lip plumber don't mark it to me also like brand deals is the one thing that women have like that's why people hate influencers because women are able to get generational wealth from shilling product and um men if you think about it it's not like all of a sudden these companies have all of this money that advertising money would have gone somewhere.

10:56Hannah Berner: But because it's going to a 19-year-old influencer in Iowa, people are mad. The men are mad. Also, shout out to influencers because before, you guys, it was going to big business. It was going to, you know. Commercials. It was going to networks. Where now they're saving money because when you get an influencer to do your deal, there's no production fee. Yeah. There's no hiring of stuff. Their overhead is not as. And it's getting more engagement than the commercial that no one was going to watch. And it's getting niche. Like you can hit different niche markets. Yeah. But Rob's, you know, he's having his moment.

11:32Right. And he did an erotica book. Did you see that? I did not. Well, Rob kind of was like, I want to live a slow life on a farm. That's how he ended Traders, which that was the funniest part, Traders to me. But then he did say, like, I love attention at some point.

11:47Hannah Berner: Well, yeah. Obviously. You don't get a snake tattoo if you don't like attention. like there's like a cast oh i watched a real housewives of rhode island like out of nowhere i was just like maybe i could watch housewives again and i watched it i have thoughts okay but wait what was i just saying with rob with a snake tattoo how he loves attention i hate when there's a cast of a reality tv show and they're like who's in it for fame oh who's in it who's the thirstiest y 'all signed up to be on tv every single did you sign up for the love of the game I love how people in the beginning were like, I am here to find love, which is totally fine.

12:26But you can find love anywhere. It doesn't have to be on camera on a network television show. I do think that reality TV has shifted in that before it actually was just kind of like crazy people being like, fuck it. Let's do this experience. Yes. Where nowadays everyone is like, holy shit. Like Cardi B was on reality TV and she won a Grammy. Like Kim Kardashian's reality TV. Now she's a billionaire. like people see that and no one goes on reality tv because they're shy right no one goes on reality to be like i just want to keep my private life private right um but you were saying you watched

12:59Hannah Berner: rhode island i watched real housewives of rhode island well i was on the phone with lucho the other day and so and he's from rhode island and so we just like naturally started talking about them all yeah he knows he literally was the casting director they wanted him on but oh he'd To our point, he would be so good, but he would never, he wouldn't want that life. No, I think it's good for him to maybe like just promote his great photography services. Yeah. So the only joke I saw online was that they said every girl looks the same. So Lucho will randomly call me and we'll just talk like business, like he'll come up with business ideas and we'll just like chat back and forth.

13:37He's just like my gay best.

13:39Hannah Berner: Yeah, he's the best. He's a girl's gay. like he can't understand when there's like he is a gagler to his core so anyway he was like you have to watch real housewives of rhode island and i was like i really can't watch bravo bravo and i can't watch housewives like i just can't do it and so i'm like laying on the couch and i'm like whatever fuck it like i'm just gonna turn it on because it's new because it's new and like watching a first season of a show usually it's not that dramatic because they've never filmed a tv show before you don't you haven't really gotten they're not fighting about who's more famous yet no there hasn't been like rumors yet from like blogs there hasn't been someone like trying to take someone down yeah oh my god something's in the water in rhode island they are so open so vulnerable they don't know and they don't get they have not gotten to the point where they get mad at each other they sit across from each other and they go hey is it true your husband has a girlfriend and the girl will be like babe no but like maybe and then they like go on with their day and it's every single one of them has cheated at some point it's one of the craziest shows the one girl has a boyfriend of 10 years that she only sees for half the year but she lives in the home in rhode island he has another girlfriend in florida they're fine with that arrangement now she's gonna get another but very open and they're like ask me whatever question you want one lady goes on the on the tv and she's like i don't love driving i drove over a woman one time but i don't love driving and they're like can you can you rewind and she's like yeah i drove over a woman next question how more clear can i be i was on for seven years you had to waterboard shit out of me like i it was so crazy well that's you said that about mormon wives how the first season they're so just like and you slept with this person you did this and they're just letting it all out and then and the viewer thinks they want that until then they like well the viewer someone the viewer does want it until then the viewer gets mad because they're not getting anything from it and then they realize like kick them off the show kick them off the show they're the show yeah that's why that that person is one of the girls looks just like dolores um do you think they're all using do you think they're all using the same injector and that's why they're kind of like looking alike or you know it's funny and i got some inside tea yeah um i was like oh they're all italian because they marketed it as almost like a rivalry to new jersey i i almost feel like bravo did that so that new jersey got their shit in check oh like they're saying these girls will replace you these girls could replace you figure out like they go we don't have room for that many italians on the network well okay so they marketed it very mafioso yeah none of them are italian what yeah i thought they all were no what are they maybe like one of them is i don't know brunettes and then ashley iconetti is on it from like bachelor franchise which i watched she has a crazy background and she was a podcaster back in the day and i've met her a couple times at amazon live she's very lovely on the show she was always very lovely in real life she is aghast at the girl i think she's probably the one that's the most like oh this is like a crazy topic to talk about like your husband having an affair there's one lady on there that's like everyone's like your husband's cheating on you and she's like i know but like please stop asking about it like i'm just gonna live with it basically she's like i'm gonna live with it and like i want you to live with it she's like we're talking about practice and it's very fabulous like which is what people want to watch they look good they're full glam mansions in rhode island are gorgeous their homes are nice also rhode island is so small that i actually believe that they are in each other's business where like new york people are like yeah we've been friends i'm like y 'all never even heard like three of them they're like i've known this person since i was four years old yeah like ashley and canadi i don't know if i pronounced that right canadi i think i just got ptsd for the first time i interviewed teresa judice and i called her guadice yeah and she said why do you call me sandwich um so ashley's story was she was on the bachelor and did like she was she's really pretty and cute and she did fine okay and then she went about you in paradise got it meets this guy jared who is her husband now they look related which sometimes like that happens with couples but they look it's brother sister vibes yeah they hit it off and then he immediately is like i'm not into this she spends the entire season crying over him oh she cries a lot on the she she's always crying but like not in an annoying way it's so funny i didn't yeah i didn't find her annoying at all you're almost like it's like it's like nice to see someone just so free with their tears she was who like the viewer is she's like girl she's like wait i actually i'm gonna cry right she's overwhelmed she's always crying and i don't remember if it was that season or another season but basically you're like this guy doesn't like you like move on you guys had something i don't what's going on but he's like nothing doesn't like you but like you deserve better at this point yeah somehow the tables turn and he proposes to her okay and now and he's from well i was gonna say long road road island okay and that's how she ended up they own a restaurant yeah they own some of that stuff so anyway it is funny how all the reality tv places i think because of streaming they're all starting to merge and everyone's like it used to be very like the abc people stay with ABC and the like Bravo people weren't going on The Bachelor and stuff I think the biggest thing for me that I see a lot in reality TV specifically Bravo is like where in the country the show is based because it says like the fans are quite different the vibe of the show is quite different and the conversation does Salt Lake City housewives and Mormon wives like have they ever intermingled anywhere salt lake city and real housewives of and the mormon house sorry the secret lives i think like in the wild or on the show like in the wild 100 they're all like yeah i think they're all at the same events they all know each other like they're all in the game that is so so interesting right there's nothing i love more than treating myself and i need to treat myself with a little treat preferably something with chocolate that's why i love cachava when it hits around 3 p.m all I can think about is like a cinnamon roll or chocolate covered espresso bean if you haven't tried their new coffee flavor you must cachava only uses premium decaffeinated coffee beans and it's so smooth and tastes so good and it's exactly what you need at 3 p.m for your coffee pick-me-up and your little 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21:57Spring Fest is heating up at Lowe's. And for a limited time, we have the extra big deals you need to impress guests. Get your outdoor space ready and save$50 on the select Cobalt 24-volt blower kit. Now$79. plus save$80 on the Charbroil Performance Four Burner Grill now$199 it's springtime and our best lineup is here at Lowe's valid to 413 while supplies last selection varies by location

22:29I have some mental health moments since we just went through some reality TV

22:32Hannah Berner: okay do you want to do it before or after we talk about Lamar? what did Lamar do now? oh I saw a quote but it was too long of a quote I didn't read it. So he's doing like some type of press tour for the documentary. And obviously every single person that interviews him is like, oh, my God, wow, Chloe, like really saved your life. Like she stayed with you for four months. She basically told your dad not to kill you and like helped you learn how to talk again. And he sits there and he's been looking at every single interviewer and being like, well, God saved my life. He's acting like he's never loved Giving credit to a man.

23:09Yeah, it was. Of course, I said a man did it.

23:15Hannah Berner: No, it's like, it's actually really hurtful. Like, it seemed, the way he's answering is that he seems very annoyed that she's getting any type of credit or any type of notoriety. He's re-saying the story in his head differently so he doesn't have to feel bad that this woman, that he hurt this woman so bad. That's what I, that's my two cents. I know a lot of the comments were like, yeah, God sent Chloe. Like, God didn't come down and say, what's up, Lamar? Sorry about those erectile dysfunction pills. Let me fix you up. Did God send you to the brothel, too? Yeah, like. You can't pick and choose when God is helping you.

23:54Hannah Berner: It just, it put a very bad taste in my mouth. And it was just, like, mean. I really just felt like it was mean. Yeah. It was like, you could have said, thank God for her and also thank God. I know they're not together now and I know they probably have some forms of beef, but you can acknowledge that certain people were there for you during a season of your life at the right time. Beautifully said. Actually, not to bring it back to Housewives, but Margaret Josephs, I interviewed back in the day because she left her husband for her construction contractor. Yeah. I had said, like, did you regret your 10-year marriage?

24:28Because she's like, I found the love of my life. I found the love of my life. And she was like, no, that man before was the right man of love of my life for that time. And then I evolved. And this is the love of my life right now. And I said, OK, MJ. I said, shout out, MJ.

24:42Hannah Berner: Well, to stay in that same vein, Nikki Glaser just went on Call Her Daddy and said, I don't mind if my boyfriend hooks up with other girls. I personally don't want to hook up with other guys while I'm dating him. But if he hooks up with other girls, that's fine. To each their. She's stronger than me. Well, she joked that she was like, I love women and that's ultimate feminist move. She's like, I trust their opinion. But my thing is like, if you're a man's hooking up with other girls, hook up with other guys. Yeah, that is layers and layers of like psychology that I don't have the capacity to get through right now.

25:18Hannah Berner: Yeah, and like I have a full time job. I can't look at your location and then put it together from someone else's location. Like, I don't have the time to look into it, and it would consume my day. I think Nikki also is kind of like, I know I'm funny, and I know that I have a connection with you. So if you want to hook up with other girls, that's fine, but I'm, like, the one you're in love with. But I feel like if you are considering cheating, it's so much easier to send a text and be like, Hey, I hate you. I'll never see you again. Hey, just wanted to reiterate, I hate you, and I'm actually leaving.

25:55I just I don't love the idea of me like needing my man for something and he's on his phone like scrolling through other girls. Yeah, no. That's not what I need. But shout out to Nikki. She has a Hulu special coming out. And then I think mine would come out after hers. So shout out to Hulu for putting the girls on and stand up. Yeah, I love that. I'm actually in like a deep editing hole right now with my special. And you got your hair dyed. And I got my hair dyed. It looks so good. but you like it okay good you never know what the red hat like the tinge it's gonna come out in but it's so good and my hair i'm getting visline and i'm finishing up the edit and then it's over for you bitches the edit though is crazy because like i'm literally sitting through hours of footage of myself being like yeah i don't like that angle that's right side of my face click it here it's it's getting dark yeah i'm at the point now where i'm like grace can you just tell it but we did this cute thing where at the end we did exit interviews with like girls leaving so I'm looking

26:55Hannah Berner: through like all the stuff they said to me really cute I think I'm gonna edit it and put it at the end like with the credits yeah which could be a blooper type thing yes yes so that's fun but um yeah the editing of the special is harder than the two years on the road tedious tedious and like there's nothing worse than having to judge yourself yeah because I try to come from a place Even like watching yourself. Yeah. And having to be like, this is good enough. This isn't good enough. Listening to your own voice back. You're like, great. I'll never speak again in public. My laugh. Like when I do a random laugh.

27:27My laugh in the background of Instagram stories. That was the first.

27:30Hannah Berner: You know, it's so funny is because I've gotten so close to my brother's girlfriend. She's like truly one of my best friends. And when I first met her, she has the most insane laugh I've ever heard. I love her laugh. I love her laugh. I fuck with girls with a laugh that you're like did that just come out of you that's I fuck with that to the point where I've looked at her before and been like we're in public Amanda like you see I'm like finally I'm getting the respect I deserve I'm like that's the laugh anything less than that is I don't want it's changed my whole life because now when I'm with her and we're laughing yeah whatever we're laughing about immediately becomes 10 times funnier because I can tell by the range of her laugh how good of a time she's having and it makes me have a better time and it's like it's just the best thing ever and that's the ethos of Giggly Squad it kind of is and I said I actually sent her a TikTok the other day it was like this girl made a TikTok and she was like I just had the realization that there's a girl in the world that gets excited to see my brother's name pop up on her phone and that's disgusting

28:38Hannah Berner: and so i sent it to her and she like texted me she was like that was so fucking funny and gary's so mad about it because she must have like started playing it and like immediately start laughing i feel like your brothers want you to get along with their girlfriend until they don't like you know what i mean like it's too much and they're like now i'm getting me and amanda like when we go on our family vacation in Italy it's as if I brought my friend yes and then like my brother's there and I'm like oh you should like meet my friend maybe yeah it's literally there my brother didn't let me meet his girl at first when we were in college together because he was like I don't yeah let me just and I'm like okay that's rude like he literally kept me away from her there's so many things that my brother will do and I'll look at Amanda and I'll be like I would leave no that's the one thing that does doesn't have parents or sisters i have no one to look at and be like okay you want to hear something beautiful it's like such a mental health moment i truly lived my whole life being like i wish i had a sister like i can't believe i don't like if i had a sister i'd have like a built-in like friend that like always takes my side and like always has my back and now to think that like one day i will have amanda as my sister like i already refer to her as like my sister-in-law like if we're somewhere like oh that's like my whatever and so it really it's kind of beautiful that like i'm getting given a sister it's just crazy like i haven't been here your entire life it's crazy how you erase me from history like at first i was like this is cute and then i was like this is actually insulting and like attacking me you have a sister in law she's in indiana yeah i know sorry okay well i'll accept amanda into the sisterhood yeah we don't live in the same city so it's not like we're okay just you throw around best friend sister i didn't say best friend i said earlier wait grace can you please rewind rewind the tapes what did we run the tape because i've gotten so close to my brother's girlfriend she's like truly one of my best friends okay now we'll continue okay are you done trying to make me jealous also I will say dating a guy that has you love them too I love them too I'm like oh wow now I have like I want you to get along with other people but I feel like sometimes you're just like I never had a connection with a girl like this and I love her and she's here for me I'm like who like who am I to you sometimes like literally you're my my soul my blood sweat and tears good good thank you you're on a different level do you know how many times i have to tell my other friends like is she really your best friend i'm like no i don't even know her i'm such i'm such a leo like stephanie will at least once every two months be like who is your best friend though for real yeah and you'd be lying through your teeth to these bitches you look so well when it was stephanie's wedding year i had to be available but i'm not can i just say i'm actually not a jealous friend no you're really not i know this is a bit we're having also stephanie's think of a flying fuck also stephanie and i talk shit about you behind your back and she lives in colorado so i talk shit about it all the time i'm like i literally have a panic attack when i touch down in your state that's why i can't go visit her no i'm actually so annoying though whenever i hang out with someone and they do something that's like similar to you i'm like page does that they're like you're stop it like stop um one more thing about mormons yeah yeah whitney levitt is now like a chief creative officer which i'm obsessed with that title like put that on everyone for the soda drink in new york genius genius i didn't know what this soda thing is the dirty soda dirty so they put like milk in it they're putting everything like this soda isn't isn't bad enough let's put more shit to give you diarrhea they're at yeah like it's almost like if you were to get like a vanilla coke like they're adding hazelnut and like if you're a kid and your mom was like hey go fuck around at the soda station put anything you want and they're like chocolate milk they don't have coffee well this is the thing they don't drink coffee in mormon culture but then they're allowed to do adderall which is just nerdy cocaine yeah so like i don't know the rules soda has caffeine as a girl with a sensitive stomach like one of those sodas would do more damage than like me taking like lsd like i would bash my head through wall i'd be puking out of both holes you could never do well you don't like and i don't like soda you don't do carbonation sometimes you'll do carbonation but you really don't with peer pressure i will right like if you're with a new person they're like i'm gonna die coke do you want one i'll be like yeah i'm cool i can hang and then i'm like spicy spicy spicy one of my favorite things to brag about you is that your body is so pure i'm like not your mind i'm like you've never met hannah but she's never done a drug she rarely drinks soda she hates cigarettes that's why your parents love me i'm like obsessed with your parents are like hang out with hannah more yeah that's why you don't age that's why your skin is always glowing oh stop now you stop now i talked a lot about other people so i have to shut up um okay look how telepathic we are we both showed up in multi-colored track jackets oh yeah where's yours from saint laurent that is so sickening so sickening i love that when they have a little morgan stewart jean on so good i'm wearing my lululemon indian wells limited edition that is cute oh are you like interested in what is going on this week got the golf stuff because i know you love you're like you love old man stuff yeah i love retired sports it's very powerful i think more girls should get involved in retired activities yeah it channels rich men men and that's our vibe um i'm watching tennis when golf comes on i'll watch it i don't know you're not like oh the like masters or something i haven't i know there's like a masters every week all i know is tiger woods is he's out in these streets that's the only reason i knew about it was because i kept getting tiger woods videos and it's like i think he was supposed to be in it speaking of sports and algorithms that haven't hit us oh my god there's a chess documentary oh something that you are way too beautiful and cool to ever click on not me though no it's called untold chess and it's basically a fight with like a bunch of geniuses and apparently it happened a couple years ago but never came across my algorithm like this was like yeah you didn't hear about this i'm like it never got to like gen z millennial girl yeah tiktok i love that you put in gen z sorry it never got to us younger sorry you're almost you're 35 when you say it like that it's crazy but i am gen alpha um no like we should be mothers society is like have a baby i'm too old to have a kid i'm like we're in track jackets i am at the point though i did see someone wear something the other day and i was like oh like where's the rest of her outfit and i'm like i'm turning into my dad no like every single day i have impending doom that like i'm not evolving as a person and i think that is just being a woman in society like every day i'm like am i evolved see i'm like i'm evolving too much i miss the bliss i miss the lack of self-awareness but this chess documentary is so good okay so there's this guy named magnus of course of course because in what situation he's literally maybe anything it's literally it doesn't magnus is the greatest chess player of all time also like he's the nerdiest nerd but like happens to be like kind of disney prince hot like accidentally like he has like kind of a flow in his hair and like accidentally really hot like when hell yeah when he speaks you're like oh this guy's never spoken to anyone but a rook yeah um but a what a rook is a is a stop stop you're like stop your hot girl brain's malfunctioning you're like what so okay so he's beating everyone like he'll beat people blindfolded how old is he he's now like in his 30s okay and he has been beating people since he's like 10 he's ranked number there's a whole ranking system okay so then there's this thing called chess.com where all of them train like chess.com is where they all are they also stream it so you could watch people playing chess never crossed my desk i had no idea this stuff was going on no this is like ask jeeves like chess.com guys get a grip can you think of something better so there's this guy that left his family he's like i left my family and went to new york they were in connecticut he literally took he took a train he's talking like he left like that is the only way i want my chest guys to talk though like they mustered up the courage to get on the lir he paid 20 and he basically they show his room it's like disgusting but like literally how my room looks and he just all day long like we'll go 30 hours just like learning chess moves and playing chess.com and on chess.com when you beat people your ranking gets higher and he's this new age of of chess player where he like gets emotional like he'll be like yelling and stuff they're ranking people on this website and you can be anyone from anywhere you're not considered like a professional yeah but when you play a professional like to be able to play a professional You have to be ranked really high But it's like They practice all day These guys This is all they do Because there's like A trillion different Chess move scenarios And you like Will never master it Like what are they pulling in?

38:31Apparently Like Well it's very like They'll go to Monaco They'll go to Miami And do these like Tournaments Tournaments You could win like Hundreds of thousands of dollars Are people betting on chess? Yes probably That's probably where there's a lot There's When I tell you I was like Where have I been? and of course it's all men which makes me I was just gonna say the men have so many opportunities for hobbies because they have so much fucking time well also they literally said like in the 70s that like women weren't smart enough to do chess but like women are sorry we're busy fucking

39:04Hannah Berner: like raising the future of our world women of stem of the week we have a woman on the goddamn moon You haven't said as And you formally apologize to the academy For forgetting to put the women on the moon In the women of STEM of the week That was my bad That was my oversight We learn, we grow I apologize I literally started laughing to myself last night And I'm like we have a whole podcast Uplifting women of STEM There was a funny clip Of apparently like the president called them And he was like going on like a long rant And I was like these motherfuckers left earth To try to get a break from reality and you're stuck on a Zoom meeting having to listen to someone talk for two, I would be like, I'm in space right now.

39:48Like, how far away can I get away from? Like, I'm a little busy floating. I'm like, can I call you back?

39:54Hannah Berner: How did you get this number? Spam will find you anywhere. They're like, hi, you have a loan that you need to pay. So anyway, this guy is, Chess.com realizes he's kind of like getting a lot of attention, this up and coming guy. Yeah. And it's like good for Chess.com. So he becomes like a chess influencer where they kind of like help his career. And he yells when he wins. And he's like and everyone else is really like nerdy. So this guy's like I mean, he's nerdy, too. But there's levels of this. There's levels of nerd. The generations are getting dumber and we need to get back to classical. Smart people.

40:28Hannah Berner: People need to listen to classical music. Where did Tic Tac Co go? Whatever happened to Hangman? Remember when you were little and you'd play like memory games for fun? Bring it back. Battleship? that taught us about adversity to be more because we used to know how to lose anyway yeah um so he then is like at the end of high school and he goes fuck this i'm going to europe and i'm gonna just play a ton of tournaments it's just like the marty supreme actually you're so i mean timothy chalamet is gonna play this guy in a movie i'm telling you so he i know people were really hating on timothy chalamet like a couple weeks ago but i do want to say like as someone who did watch all the movies that were nominated i did think he his performance was really good the guy didn't love the whole movie like that's why they call you page pick me to sorbo how is no one called you that how is that such a good i think because i tell men to shut the fuck up to their like faces we'd never that like pick me's never even come through people's but I've definitely made a lot of pick me moves in my life before.

41:37A hundred percent.

41:38Hannah Berner: Yeah. A hundred percent. So anyway. I'm not stronger than the patriarchy. I'm one woman. Pick me patriarchy. Patriarchy. Okay, I'll stop. I need to stop. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress can affect far more than just your bank accounts. It can also take a serious toll on mental health, relationships, and 88 % of Americans are feeling some type of financial stress at the start of 2026. Therapy isn't just about financial advice. It's about managing your stress, shame, anxiety, and all that comes with it. Therapy can help people unpack their relationship with money, build healthier coping strategies, and feel less alone in the process.

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45:57so this guy goes to europe and he starts winning all these tournaments and he's ascending the

46:02Hannah Berner: at what age is he now that he's like 18 okay and he does have one month that he like weirdly doesn't do well but all the other months he's killing it okay and maybe got the yips chess chess is like very elite where it's like people who are the top 10 chess players in the world like it's a community you don't just like break into it takes like years so these guys are all like who is this fucking new guy in the group it's so funny this is so nerdy it's so you need to watch it and all the nerds are like i've never heard of this guy what is like i've never he's the way he moves his rook i've seen before i've never seen this and it's so funny nerds bullying other nerds so it's they're like you're not part of this nerd club so he finally gets to play magnus the number one guy okay and somehow some way he beats him and everyone is guffawed yeah and he has this like iconic line where he's by the way talking trash talking trash talking trash and at the end after he beats him they're like what do you have to say and he goes i just let the chest speak for itself and he walks away and i'm like this is like rappers in a beef right now i feel like it's like a parody it's so good and i'm locked in at this point me and i almost said trixie which is my cat of two of two decades ago trixie speaking through me which we have to get to that later um me and butter just loving it so then they play again he beats him again but magnus this time is like something's wrong he says something's wrong he walks out and he goes it felt like i was playing a computer because a computer will always beat a human no matter what even that's a really scary sentence i know that was very scary that was so dark that's why everyone just watch i robot i know we're gonna lose to the to the robot aliens um happy weekend so he calls his dad and his dad's like it's okay you had a rough day and he goes something was weird and he goes yeah magnus is like there's no way i could have lost to this guy again why am i like loving the name magnus now it's kind of so it's hot like if you're really hot and your name is magnus no one's ugly name well it's also like it's giving like your grandpa has a library and at one point he goes these americans they talk so much sometimes i'm like use less words and i was like that was hot that's so hot tell more men to use less words yeah so he tells his dad he's like i think he cheated he then withdraws from the tournament which yeah Yeah, which is basically saying, I think this guy cheated.

48:39So the whole community has lost their mind. They're like, first, the number one guy goes down to this new guy. The number one guy is accusing him of cheating. And everyone, like, loves Magnus. So they're like, what the hell is going on? How did you cheat? How could you even cheat at a... So that's what... The whole chess community is losing it. They're all these, like, guys on Twitch being like, what could he possibly have done? They're analyzing all his movements. They're like, is he touching his hat? But before they go in, there is security. Like, they get scanned. Like, they're not just walking in randomly.

49:05and they're like it's not on his head is he looking at something his arm they're like what could it be someone starts a rumor going anal beads they go he must have had anal beads in his butthole and use the vibrations to tell him what move to make what the fuck are you talking

49:22Hannah Berner: about so that's what i said it catches on every time i get this close to supporting a man literally immediately they show me why i don't the internet runs with this it's on the daily show i know where i was i didn't hear and they just go chess player beats number one chess player with anal beads anal bead chess player it's everywhere and everyone gets mad at me because they're like page you think everyone's gay you think every guy's gay and i'm like okay but only because there's evidence now by the way i do think butt players should be more normalized in straight relationships but i digress different conversation different i would i'd be yes so it's not my place but i'm saying in general for the culture this guy then is like you fucking ruin my reputation whenever i say i'm a chess player now they go are you the anal beats guy so he's fuming but then he after this i'm livid if i'm him and it's not true after this accusation he loses see people can make up the craziest thing about you it could be so not factual and that's all people remember you for and you're like, I didn't even do that.

50:28The next couple games, though, he loses really bad. So then it makes you think, was he doing something? And then he stopped doing it. Because he got nervous. So he was saying my head wasn't in the game, but he's getting his ass kicked. Nine moves, he's getting taken out. Nobody ended.

50:46So this documentary is basically both their sides of the story. So then Magnus is about to do a deal with Chess.com. and chest.com.

50:55Hannah Berner: This is the only type of like brand influencers I want from the men. That's the only thing you can yeah have a deal with. Yeah be tied to something intellectual. Yes chest.com not lip plumper. Yeah like be tied to like your profession in some capacity. Yes. Not our stuff. Gas Like pipes Plumbing Yep Fixing refrigerator Tires Cement Sup guys I got this new Tony 20 For the new cement It's smooth Really Also Weed whacker Anyway I don't guess So he He basically goes to Chess.com Chess.com says you know what we have to tell you something about this guy you know what would be a really funny thing is like if better help online therapy like rounded up all the men on bravo and did like a massive ad it'd be great or they'd be like proof that therapy doesn't work for everyone we got our best therapist any online there that would be an amazing funny they should do like a sponsored series giving therapy to all the like worst guys on bravo yeah or just any man who does reality tv so the guy basically goes to chess.com and chess.com goes we have to tell you something about this guy he's been caught cheating before on chess.com when he was younger because you actually can just like google moves while you're playing on chess.com okay but chess.com has all these really great algorithmic ways but chess.com is getting a lot of unpaid promotion no chess.com basically they created they were created in like 2005 they were created and everyone's like there's no money in chess.com like do you remember when everyone tried to get like apple.com like it was like the dot com bubbles and they were like chess.com and everyone's like you're fucking losers during covid apparently chess.com blew up and now i'm talking about it so the gigglers are about to play chess the girls are loving chess yeah so um shout out to my dad he taught me how to play chess because he said it was like tennis because my dad's a feminist icon but um i digress i got brought to dance class no i know you're just a you're a victim like you actually are a victim you could have been a doctor we don't know a surgeon we have no idea definitely dermatologist yeah a hundred percent okay so chess.com is like we're going to use our algorithms that we use to test if people are cheating because they called him once when he was like 16 they're like we know you're cheating you have to stop and he was like i'm sorry but people used to cheat to like get themselves to better levels right but they said he's cheated in like over 100 games so this guy's capable of it I might have dated him.

53:39In fact, he sounds similar. What's his number? Can I see a picture? He does actually at one point say, I'm not a good guy. I'm not a nice guy. And it kind of turned me on.

53:51Hannah Berner: Now you can't even trust the guys that are in the chess club. Like, where have we gone? There's fuckboys in chess? No, that's it. I'm packing it in. That's it. I'm done. There's bad boys of after school programs? No. Like, are you fucking kidding me, Magnus? No, it was hot. He literally was like, I'm not a good guy. And I'm like, I've never had a guy say that. Okay. That was honest and hot. Give us the ending. So you're like, let's park this car. No, because now I'm like. So long story short, literally he, they're like, we're going to test if he cheated during these live games against Magnus. And the vibrational anal beads was real?

54:29They don't know if it's real, but they test it and they go, it doesn't look like he cheated in the games against Magnus. so everyone's kind of like doesn't know what happened how how scientifically would the vibrational because they'd be like if he touched a we who knows like no one really knows but it

54:48Hannah Berner: would be like if i do it or would it be somebody else watching someone else is watching and googling and then like yeah telling him with vibration morse code yes morse code through anal beads that's what we do on this podcast actually that's how i know when to agree or disagree So far from what the Lord wants. From the Holy Spirit. The Mormons were right. Just drink your weird soda and leave people alone. Like, we don't need to shove things up our asses. But I don't want to spread the rumor because this could be false. It could be false. He hasn't really won a lot since. So it's all kind of up in the air.

55:24I digress, but I'm exhausted from that story. Like, that took a lot out of me.

55:29Hannah Berner: Wow, I'm really glad you told that, though, because how interesting so interesting and also can i say one thing about lip plumper yeah i hate lip plumper yeah it hurts i like it i'm already dealing with enough like day to day i don't have to like remember when i went pain on myself remember when i went through that phase where i put my thing in my lips in that thing that was so cute it would work for like 10 seconds you'd look like gorgeous i loved it i forgot about that i wonder what happened to it like in a drawer somewhere it definitely caused covid all the girls putting their lips in it definitely not washing it wasn't good for like the circulation of my lips yeah yeah well people said you had lip filler so that lasted for like 15 minutes I wouldn't even literally 15 minutes you're like get the cameras um I do think if you like lip plumper you're into BDSM and I would never yuck someone's yum if I feel like something is like painful I feel like it's working which is not smart because like sometimes I'll put something on my skin and it'll burn a little and I'll be like it's just working they're like nope you're allergic to that go to a hospital call a medic yeah um to to wrap it up i want to give us a mental health quote of the week from saint dairy on on tiktok once you lame to me nothing can unlame you you laminated that is so it's quippy fun clever I don't call people lame enough Yeah You know what word I want to bring back Which is I think like my nan and papa would say Lowlifes Bunch of lowlifes I think that might be a big thing Is that a big thing in Italian-Americans?

57:13Yeah they're just like They're lowlifes When they say lowlifes you're done

57:18Hannah Berner: Imagine the Italian just coming over And being like hey let us just better your lives With this food the Irish were like, we'll stick with the potatoes. Get the fuck out. Anyway, we're not getting into New York City immigration history right now. We love you guys. Thank you for giggling with us. We'll talk to you later. Bye.

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