How Do I Draw the Right Boundaries at Work? | S1E1 | New Here

0:01This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required. Compatibility and availability varies 18+. propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self what propels you propel with gatorade electrolytes you're in your first year of your new job and you've already learned so much like your morning routine how your team communicates and where the best food is on your lunch break.

0:53But there's still a lot left to figure out, like finding the people that you can trust and talk to, figuring out how to ask for what you need. And there's one more thing that's really important that you might not have thought about. How to set good boundaries.

1:15Boundaries look different for all of us. Some are about protecting our time. Others have to do with how you want to be treated by the people you work with. And when those boundaries are crossed, you can feel the discomfort. I tense up and I can feel like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up and I like grip my teeth a little bit. I do get a little bit of that tightness in the chest, but also like my body gets hot. On the inside, you're just like, this really doesn't feel right the way that they're communicating with me. It sinks on you. That's your body telling you that someone just crossed one of your boundaries, even if you didn't realize it or know how to put it in words.

2:00By the way, those voices you just heard are some of my work friends, and we'll hear more from them a bit later. Now, the thing I didn't know and I wish I had is that the sooner you set boundaries at work, the easier it is to keep them. Now I'm talking about first day at your new job type of thing. So let's learn why and how to do it.

2:24Welcome to our very first episode of New Here. I'm Eleni Mata. This is a safe place for you to learn how to play the game we call work. This season, we're focusing on those big firsts that happen early in your career. The ones you're not always prepared for, like your first bad boss, or the first time you say something in a meeting that doesn't seem to land right. When I'm in tough moments like those, I usually call a friend for advice. And by the way, we will call some of my friends on this show. But we'll talk to experts too, and we'll hear from each other. So send us your questions and join our conversation.

3:08By the end of the season, you'll have more tools and self-understanding. So when those firsts happen, you'll be ready.

3:19We chose boundaries for our first episode because I'm learning that so much of my happiness and my sanity is determined by how healthy my boundaries are, especially at work. I'm a producer here at HBR, and I've been working in media for a few years now. And I'll be honest, boundaries are still really hard for me. Like saying no to extra meetings, or deflecting super personal questions, or standing up for myself when someone says something disrespectful or calls me out. I try to check in with my boundaries every day. And work is probably the place where I check in with my boundaries the most. And what I've learned is that if you don't set your boundaries at work right away, then other people will set them for you.

4:04And when that happens, you're not in control anymore. Today, we're going to figure out how to define our boundaries at work. Then we'll look at the best ways to make sure others know our boundaries and how to handle the emotions and the discomfort we feel when they're crossed. Because I'm going to be honest with you, not everyone you work with will understand them or respect them right away. But first, let's make sure we all know what we mean when we talk about boundaries.

4:37Hello? Hi, Maria! Hi, how was I? This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required, compatibility and availability varies 18+. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

5:18What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Everyone. Everyone's good. This is my therapist, Maria. She's a licensed forensic and mental health counselor, and she really helps me define and enforce boundaries in my personal and professional life. This is cool. I'm like really excited to bring you on. Yes, I'm very excited too. I've been looking forward to this. Yeah. So, Maria, you have been my therapist for two, two and a half years. Yes. And this is cool because a huge bulk of the work that you've helped me do is boundaries because I struggle. You're not alone in that for sure. Yeah.

6:05So how would you define a boundary? So boundaries, I look at them as limits that we set with other people, with ourselves, things that communicates to others what we're comfortable and not comfortable with. Can you give me examples of healthy boundaries at work? Absolutely. I think healthy boundaries would be one, if you know what time you're supposed to be punching in and out, taking your vacation. I'm a huge fan of people taking their vacation and I cannot stress that enough. One of the other things that's important is being aware and knowing in detail what your job description is, what it entails, you know, making sure that you're sticking to that.

6:48And that certainly there's going to be times where you may be asked to, you know, step up and offer some additional support in some areas. But that should be temporary. And only if you feel comfortable with it, I think it can be, especially at work, be easy to fall into this kind of slippery slope of overextending yourself or, you know, offering more support than you can because you want to seem reliable or you want to feel, you know, like you're a team player. And that may then lead to not only taking more on than you can actually handle, which will then create anxiety and other things, but also it can lead to burnout very quickly too.

7:24And so if you don't set boundaries around the work and how much work you can actually do and be aware of that, you know, it can create a lot of issues for yourself. So how do you identify what your boundaries are? And I think that's like really scary because sometimes you don't know what your boundary is until you're in that situation and you're like, damn. Yeah, yes. And so there can certainly be new situation circumstances that you might be faced with that you haven't experienced before where you may not have a boundary in place for a situation like that. But I always say it's important to go with your gut feeling and what is going on for you in that moment and to be able to identify what's happening and understand that.

8:09And from there, kind of figuring out what is it about that instance that made you feel and easier and uncomfortable and then consider what would be a healthy boundary to communicate that in the future. Can we kind of like go deeper into that of like how your body feels and reacts in certain ways? Sure. Like I think what's been confusing for me is trying to identify what is my gut and what is fear. I think like just recently I found out that fear exists in my chest. like I feel it like I feel the tightness in my chest and that's when I know like okay I'm scared which like by the way that's been happening for the past 48 hours and I'm like I don't talk to until Monday but I've been journaling a lot I've been journaling a lot I'm proud of you I'm very happy to hear that you know cop-therapist moment as I say yay oh my gosh but yeah we should definitely go deeper into that if you'd like.

9:14Yeah, because like it was hard for me to identify in my body like what is a good feeling and what is a bad feeling. Can you explain to me how? This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome, that's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block, or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required compatibility and availability varies 18 plus.

9:48Propel fitness water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. All you can like tap in and listen to your body in certain situations and like what it's telling you? Yeah, absolutely. So it's definitely different for everyone and everyone may have a different kind of physical reaction or internal reaction happening for them. I can use myself an example. I learned that over time when something is not sitting well with me, for example, I feel almost like an immediate, it's like a little kick in my gut, like, oh, this doesn't feel right.

10:31Something's wrong here. But I don't know what exactly it is. I need time to process and figure out why it is. And I'm feeling that way. Everyone has different physical reactions that could be a change in temperature in the body. You know, you mentioned for you kind of that you feel it in your chest. Yeah. Some people can feel the stress or the aftermath of it in like the neck or, you know, some people can feel it around their feet and their ankles. And so it's very different for everybody. And so once you start listening to those cues, though, you start figuring out what they're connected to. And that will also help in helping you determine, well, was this a boundary crossing?

11:07Or maybe I just took the information in a different way in the moment, but now I'm processing it doesn't feel like a boundary crossing. So in that moment, and this is something that I still struggle with all the time, it's like when I feel overwhelmed or when I feel that somebody has crossed my boundary, Like I feel that tightness in my chest and I know for sure there's something up. I still am working on how like what to do in that moment, because a lot of the times it will happen at work and you may not have the opportunity to like go somewhere private at that time to like recollect yourself.

11:48So what can I do to manage my emotions in that moment when a boundary is crossed? That is the hardest part because that's when the emotional management really comes in. And so that does take practice. It takes practice. I know. It's one of those things that it sounds so simple, but it's not. It just it's like, oh, yeah, well, that makes sense. But it does when you hear about it and people can, you know, intellectualize and understand it. But it's not the same as when you're trying to apply it or in the moment. Right. And so easier said than done. But the more that you become aware of these things, the more present they'll be for you and the better you'll be able to manage.

12:28So ideally in a situation like that is being able to gain control of what's going on for you in that moment. Right. Like you're likely not going to lash out and go off on this person or, you know, you may think about it. I may write about it. Yeah, exactly. Right. So if you're in a meeting, sometimes doodling or writing about it can be helpful as kind of like a distraction in the moment. But also, if you can step away to take a breather for yourself, that would probably be the best is to kind of remove yourself if you can for yourself, just to kind of take a deep breath and try to check in with yourself.

13:03You know, I'm very big on checking in with yourself, like a self-inventory. What's going on for me? Why am I feeling this way? And is there anything I can do in this moment to make me feel better? Practice. Practice. A lot of practice. A lot of practice. A lot, yes. So much. So, okay, our boundary is crossed and we've had a moment to sort of recollect ourselves. what is sort of like the healthiest, most clear way to communicate to that person that like, hey, you just crossed my boundary back there and I didn't like it. Yeah. You know, I think talking to someone or approaching someone about crossing a boundary doesn't have to be confrontational.

13:49It could be, hey, you know, I just wanted to let you know that, you know, when this happened and the way that you spoke to me made me feel this way. And, you know I don't want to feel that way I don't want to make you feel that way and I just hope that moving forward we can communicate differently so you're this episode is brought to you by Google Chrome you think you know a browser but Gemini and Chrome that's new it can help you with practically anything on the web like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks Gemini and Chrome is here for it ready to make anything online make sense there's no place like Chrome check responses setup required compatibility and availability varies 18 plus propel fitness water with gatorade electrolytes zero sugar and vitamins propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self what propels you propel with gatorade electrolytes being clear and direct about a boundary now the other parts of that is that we then cannot control right how that's going to be received by the other person and people can become defensive.

14:56They can become upset. I always say to you don't have to, you know, stand around and get into a power struggle with anyone and crossing more boundaries, your own and there that it's like, OK, well, I've communicated what I had to and I'm going to move on from this conversation if it's not going anywhere. Yeah. And then afterwards you go to the bathroom and cry and you can cry it out. I'm a big fan of crying. I know. I know. It's important to. It's important to it. It's an emotional reset and it's okay to have a good cry, a good emotional release and then allowing those feelings to kind of move on and allowing yourself the space to move on to something else.

15:34Yeah. So I have one last question that has nothing to do with what we just talked about. Well, the answer, the answer doesn't have to be anything that we just talked about. but what is getting you through the week it's friday like what got you through this week wow i think just looking forward to the weekend i picked up my puppies from daycare today so i was excited about that oh my god your puppies are in daycare they are but i'm just going to hang out with family that's also what helps me keep grounded and you know maintaining good boundaries also and staying healthy overall is being around the people that bring me joy and doing the things I enjoy.

16:18I love that. Thank you, Maria. This is like the coolest crossover ever. And the roles were reversed. I know. It's like you're asking me now.

16:33Cool. Well, have a good rest of your day and enjoy your weekend. Thanks, you too. I'll talk to you on Monday. Yay, talk to you on Monday. Bye. Bye.

16:49Maria has helped me understand that setting and enforcing boundaries takes practice. Of course that's easier said than done. But I can say from experience, it does get easier.

17:06After the break, my work friends, who you heard at the start of the episode, will be here to share their reactions to Maria's advice and what they've learned about keeping good boundaries at work. Be right back.

17:25All right, we're back. Cheyenne, Dustin and Jaiman met me in the studio. Oh my gosh. It's like a different variety. Yeah. This is lemony. And yes, we brought snacks. Before we start, let me tell you a little bit about each of them. Jaiman works in IT and he knows everyone in the office. He's funny, chill, and so patient. Lemony animal crackers. Hmm? Lemony animal crackers. Yeah, say that five times. Dustin is an animator. They're the person I go to when I want to get a little bit deep about video production. He's brought me back to just like just seeing this one. I remember eating the legs off of this every time.

18:07The good old days. Yeah. And I'm still getting to know Cheyenne. She joined our book publishing team recently. This is her first job after college. Introductions will start here. OK, I'm Cheyenne. I'm Jimen. And I'm Dustin. What did y 'all think? I was like what Maria said. Was there anything that jumped out at you the most? Yeah, no, I mean, I struggle with boundaries, like, pretty badly. Chronic people pleaser. Yeah, same. Yeah, same. I think, you know, I mean, I have a lot to say. So I've been through therapy, and I think all of us want to be accepted and liked, and that's kind of where we forget to use our...

18:46This episode is brought to you by Google Chrome. You think you know a browser, but Gemini and Chrome? That's new. It can help you with practically anything on the web, like restoring a vintage motorcycle from a 50-page restoration block or finally break down that long article you've had open for weeks. Gemini and Chrome is here for it. Ready to make anything online make sense? There's no place like Chrome. Check responses set up required. Compatibility and availability varies 18+. Propel Fitness Water. With Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins, Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self.

19:21What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. Boundaries and like communicate. Yeah. I really loved what you were asking about like, how do you identify a boundary? Because that's the hardest part, right? Because we all have like, we know when we're feeling bad. We don't know how to act on it. And that's like the biggest challenge. Yeah. I enjoy that your therapist discussed like, sometimes you don't know that it's a boundary until you're in the moment. Yeah. And so in that case, I think we can kind of be grateful for the times that we are pushed outside of our comfort zone just so that we can experience it right then and there.

20:02And for the next time, you know, OK, I didn't really like how I felt in that scenario. And I'm not going to allow or not that I'm not necessarily going to allow. But if I do find myself back there, I now have the tools to communicate effectively to assure that it doesn't happen again and that I'm not brought back to that place of feeling uncomfortable. Sometimes you you you don't know and you can't know until you have to go there. That's such like a positive. I think a more like forward thinking way of seeing it like you have to like this situation really sucks right now. yeah like in the moment i'm like all right i feel this way and i'll like write in my journal and say like oh i feel angry or i feel sad or then i'll cry but then afterwards i'm like okay cool decompress i won't yeah like i'm not mad about it i'm sad yeah but like i'm glad i wrote it down so then i can read it again and see what i did and what the person did or like just a as a form of reflection and then kind of like a roadmap like literally like a story that i get to read and it's like all right how can i do this differently if this situation not if when this situation happens to me again yeah because then that's the great thing about journaling is then you start to get to see the patterns that's a good tool it's something that i haven't really given much thought to actually up until i guess recently journaling journaling and i haven't yet in involved myself in that uh activity but i think it's something i'm going to try and pick up because Oh my god, it's the best.

21:35I don't know why I've stopped. I feel like I was a lot more raw and open and just transparent with my thoughts when I was younger. Yeah, one thing that I've done this for a long time and I didn't realize it was journaling is I just open up my notes app and I just write down whatever. And then it is raw. Just leave it all at the altar. And a lot of the time I don't ever go back and look at it. It's just like getting it out there, which is huge. Yeah, to your point of like you never go back. I never go back. I've had journals going back to like 2019 that I keep them like in my room but I I cannot bring myself to just like revisit the emotions that I felt because it's just like like I feel like I wanted to get it out of my head and release it somewhere but I don't want to pick it back up it's hard yeah so i have i started having like a journal type for work like separate from my personal journal so i can keep track of like okay this is what i did today this is like the meeting that i had with this person this is what they said and this is how i reacted to it and it it helps me not gaslight myself because i've seen that i've noticed that so absolutely that's the tough thing too is like you can have a certain feeling about it and then if you go and talk to that person they'll have a totally different feeling about it and what sucks is that both are valid and really like if you're just gonna have some sort of relationship with that person like a working relationship the only way that you can like work forward is by discussing that and coming to the middle ground which also sucks because that can be really hard especially whenever there's power dynamics or anything like that.

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23:58EBGLISS can be used with or without topical corticosteroids. Don't use if you are allergic to EBGLISS. Allergic reactions can occur that can be severe. Eye problems can occur. Tell your doctor if you have new or worsening eye problems. You should not receive a live vaccine when treated with EBGLISS. Before starting EBGLISS, tell your doctor if you have a parasitic infection. Paid partnership with Lilly. Respect your time. Ask your doctor about EPCLIS and visit ePCLIS.com or call 1-800-LILLY-RX or 1-800-545-5979. Who says Halloween only lasts one day? With Wayfair, one night of Halloween becomes a whole season at home.

24:32From larger-than-life yard decor and moody lighting to festive accents for every room in the house, Wayfair has what you need to make Halloween feel like magic all in one place. because the best Halloween memories aren't made in just one night. They're made all season long. Shop Halloween decor now at Wayfair.com. Wayfair, every style, every home. And it's because people have like stepped over a lot of boundaries with me. I've learned that it's not what you're saying, it's how you're saying it. It's just a reaffirmation of the doctrine that's like, you know, communication really is key with a lot of this stuff.

25:06Yeah. You know, if the boundary is broken and there's no communication about it, how is anyone going to know like where the breakdown was yeah you know so y 'all done y 'all have done it like y 'all have have approached somebody here or like in your work experience in general and have had that tough conversation of like you crossed my boundary yeah i haven't i can't say that i have i've done it maybe once or twice in my personal life and it's still something i i feel like i struggle expressing myself just in general if i'm really honest like you know i I feel like I'm a type of person to be able to talk about anything externally with little to no problems at all.

25:43But like as soon as it kind of comes down to like trying to communicate how I feel. Something about it. I just there's like a breakdown even within myself to try and get that out to somebody. So it's hard. It can be for sure. Cheyenne, how do you feel? So, OK, I don't think that I've had that conversation in my work life, But I would like to throw the disclaimer that I'm kind of new to like work life. Like this is my first like corporate job. And I graduated from college in 2022. So thank you. So I haven't had those type of productive conversations. I have just quit. That's fair. Yeah. OK, but I don't want it to seem like I just kind of threw in the towel.

26:31Like I've expressed feeling like I was underappreciated and undercompensated and kind of I think to me that that's my like not warning, but that's me like, you know, saying like I'm not really happy. And if something does not change, dot, dot, dot. Or else. Well, there's like a base level of respect that everyone should get at work. Yeah. And I feel like. Up and quitting like that is super valid. But if you think that base level is not being met, like, yeah, I mean, we we got to get a little real in that. Like sometimes the conversation isn't going to fix it. Yeah. And I think with the particular job that I'm referencing, like I was just grateful to have a job coming out of undergrad.