How to Give Feedback—Especially When You’re Dreading it | Christine vs. Work

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0:44Christine:I know that giving feedback is super important and helps someone grow in their role. That said, giving feedback, especially tough feedback, is agony. I dread giving tough feedback. All right, positive, good, good job, all that stuff. Like that's a walk in the park, but like if someone is struggling or I see places where I should, you know, intervene, like in my heart, I want to put it off. It is just really tough. And you know, how do you be empathetic and crystal clear at the same time? Okay, so it's not really a problem per se, but, you know, sometimes I, you know, I know your heart's in it, but sometimes I think like you're not, I wish you were more prepared.

1:37Christine:You're prepared a little, but just like prepare more for meetings. Like, I think that would really help you and me. Other than that, you're doing great. Or it's a total opposite situation where I suck all the emotion out of it and it's 100 % business. You need to be more prepared for our meeting. Thanks. And then there's always the risk of disagreement, things get heated, and feelings get hurt. So, I need to know, how do I give feedback the right way?

2:16Before we get started, this episode is brought to you by Microsoft.

2:20Christine:Microsoft's mission is to empower every person and organization on the planet to achieve more. But it's nothing without the people behind it. Watch and read some of the stories of the people behind the mission at MicrosoftLife.com. I still don't enjoy it. I'm a very conflict-averse person by nature. I get pretty sweaty palms when I have to do that. That's Leigh-Anne Davey. She's known as the Teamwork Doctor. She's also the author of The Good Fight, which is about how to use conflict to your advantage. She really believes in the power of feedback. Let's start with the common mistakes of giving feedback.

2:56Christine:What should feedback not sound like? We believe feedback is about the other person, when really, feedback is about you. And that is a like... What? Did I hear that right? and once you internalize it, it changes everything about how you deliver feedback. You shouldn't be sharing any judgment about the other person. You want to be much more objective talking about what behavior was objectively there and any subjectivity and feedback can and should only be about you. So I can talk subjectively. I can, you know, have all the adjectives in the world about my own experience because I own that and that's my truth and that's okay but it's a big misconception that we should be using any adjectives whatsoever when we're describing the other person so not that they were rude not that they rush not that they right like none of those subjective statements about the other person are legit let's just say like this seems really hard I don't want to do it right now and can't we just like brush it under the rug what are the risks of not doing the hard thing and actually reaching out and giving them feedback?

4:12You know, you don't want to get into that kind of conflict debt with somebody. If we carry some kind of an issue with respect to another person without giving them a chance to rectify it, then we are very likely to have all the rest of our experiences with that person be prejudiced by that original thought. So we know how many cognitive biases humans have. The other thing is you miss the positive side. people want to grow, want to develop, want to get better. And if you deny them the data on which to do that. Hey, Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know, back to school is coming in fast. So why wait to find your new fave footwear?

4:54Step into a local Crocs store and step into your new look. Try it, style it, make it yours because the right pair doesn't just show up. It shows off. First day fits handled. Walk out ready for whatever's next. Visit your nearest Croc store today. Propel Fitness Water with Gatorade electrolytes, zero sugar, and vitamins. Propel hydrates better than water to help you get the most out of your workout and get back to your best self. What propels you? Propel with Gatorade electrolytes. You've denied them the opportunity to grow. Tell me the framework for proper, effective, and kind feedback. First, orient.

5:39The situation that you're thinking of is top of mind for you. If you just sort of phone somebody up and be like, you know, do you hate my project? What? You want to keep that super short. You just want to say in this morning's call or, you know, when we were working on this project or when I heard you talking to Chris. the reason is if you make that bit too verbose your awkwardness is going to transfer over to them everybody's just going to be like their skin is going to be crawling step two and this is where we've had to do a little bit of our work in advance because this is where we're going to share with the person what their behavior was that caused us to have some kind of an insight or a reaction or something else.

6:27What we want in great description of behavior is nouns and verbs, nouns and verbs, no adjectives. Nouns and verbs. Adjectives are slippery. So we wanna be able to say, when I was giving my presentation, you asked four questions during the presentation. So I might've wanted to say you were rude and you interrupted or you got me off my flow, but I wanna convert that, translate it into nouns and verbs. Theoretically, the person you're giving this to will agree with those things. That's the goal. None of this should be new information. You know you're doing it right if the person either looks completely nonplussed, just kind of like, uh-huh, or if they're like, yep, yep, yep.

7:13So we want at best neutrality to those statements. And ideally, you want the person being like, yep, I remember that. Yes, I did that. Now we can shift to the new information. And this is where we go back to the idea that great feedback is about you. So what you're going to give the person is some new insight about the impact of their behavior on you. I started jumping around in my presentation and I got off my game and I lost my confidence. I lost my mojo. I felt like I wasn't in control anymore. Now there's lots of adjectives and lots of subjective comments in what I just said, that's okay, because you're talking about yourself.

7:52We want to go through one more step, which is a step that passes the accountability to the other person, gives them the baton to do something with it. And the best way to do that is to ask some kind of a question that causes them to own it, to take it, to grab hold of it. Something that's an open-ended question, not one that starts with why because why is sort of accusatory and will tend to get people being defensive.

8:22Christine:These components look really clean on paper but I assume because humans are involved it's going to get messy. So what do I do if the other person reacts poorly or just disagrees with the feedback? Leave a little room for somebody to react to that feedback to find it hard to swallow to because they've been telling themselves a different story all along and until we get to that dialogue section, you're not going to know what their story is. If the misalignment is in their reaction to your behavior, you can, you know, first of all, leave them a little space for that. And then you can just say, that was my experience of it, right?

8:58Just reinforce that you don't get to say what I was feeling or not feeling. This is my truth. Leanne, do you have tips on how to give good, positive feedback? That's more than just great job. You're doing awesome. And guess what? They're the exact same tips. And the good news is practicing your orient and behavior and impact and question on positive feedback is a great place to practice it because when you get it wrong, which you inevitably will the first few times, people don't get upset when you praise them. in. Hey, Chicago, class it up with Crocs. You know back to school is coming in fast.

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10:14Christine:Not the absolute best way. Yeah. Cue the practice montage. Cue the practice montage. All right. So in order to get better at feedback, especially giving negative feedback, I'm going to practice and practice is super fun with positive feedback. So I'm going to practice on Kelsey Alpeo. She's one of my direct reports and you might recognize her from some of the other HBR Ascend videos. Last week, Kelsey gave a presentation on Clubhouse and I want to commend her for it. Step one, orient. During last week's Clubhouse Project readout. So my truth, how did I feel about that?

10:58So why don't we start off this one-on-one with, I wanted to give you some feedback. Last week, you led the readout for what we've been doing on the Clubhouse project to stakeholders and the presentation and the insights and gendered questions and comments from the audience. So I was really excited to see you lead this project that's been doing so much. I personally think you've had a great attitude. So I'm really thrilled with how things are going and the development of the project and development of you as the project leader. So that said, I was wondering how you felt about the readout. And also I was thinking, are there other opportunities for you to share some of those insights that we've learned on Clubhouse internally, other channels, or even externally?

11:53Like, this is what we've done at HBR. Yeah. Well, thank you. I'm really glad that you think it went well and you think the project's been going well.

12:03Christine:I felt a little bit like this is a lot of scaffolding and, you know, technical architecture to basically what boils down into great job. I hope you can, you know, grow from this. It definitely makes it feel less scary or like you're just like winging it and there's less risk for the unexpected to come out of your mouth in real time. I definitely want to keep practicing. I I think doing it more, it will just make it easier. And I hope that this will help me so when I do get to a point where, you know, this is a really big challenge or something I've never really dealt with in this capacity, I will have a lot more confidence that I can bridge it.

12:49Christine:If you're still watching, one, thank you. But two, I'm really curious. Like, what do you want me to explore? Like, what problems do you have at work? I love to solve them. Please leave a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts. And if you have any other ideas, throw them my way. All right. Peace out. Fall is the perfect time to refresh and reorganize your space. At the Home Depot, find power tools and tool sets starting at$50 to help tackle DIY projects, home updates, and more. Whether you're drilling brackets to support new shelving or sharpening your hedge trimmer blade with an angle grinder, the Home Depot has the tools you need to check projects off your list.

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