What Difficult Emotions Are Trying to Tell You | Christine vs. the Workplace

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1:01So when people ask me, hey, Christine, how's it going? How are you feeling? You know, I say I'm fine. If I feel a little, you know, want to dig into things, I say I'm hanging in there and people chuckle and, you know, we're on the same boat. but you know if I were really honest I'm freaking scared um I'm tired of staying in my house then I feel guilty because obviously I have a pretty good deal I'm working from home um you know I can connect virtually with my family so then it's just like all right rinse and repeat every day um not really great news out there. It's scary. So there's all that. But also I find that my emotions are literally leaking into my professional life as well.

1:55What do I do with that? We found an expert to help answer these questions. Susan David is a psychologist on the faculty of Harvard Medical School. And she's also the author of the book, Emotional Agility. Here's what she had to say. Well, I think the first thing for us to recognize is number one, every emotion is normal. Okay. We live in a world that seems to value the idea of relentless positivity or, you know, at work, what we call just getting on with it. Our emotions evolved in us as human beings to help us to adapt. Now, if we think about the situation that we're currently in, this is a situation in which if you aren't feeling a range of other emotions, you're probably not paying attention.

2:44You know, when I talk about in my work, emotional agility, emotional agility is about a specific way of being with our emotions that's healthy. And this is critical. I mean, it's critical always. but of course at this point in time it's fundamental to our well-being and to how we love and live and how we lead. Like what am I supposed to do? Like okay I can accept it's normal but it's still freaking me out and it's unpleasant so how do I work through it? Face into the reality of what we're currently experiencing with what I'm calling gentle acceptance okay i gently accept my anxiety what do i mean by gentle acceptance okay gentle acceptance is not passive resignation it's not about saying everything's hopeless and there's just nothing i can do gentle acceptance is about saying it is what it is okay it is what it is and to also let go of what we cannot control.

3:50We cannot control what our manager may or may not say at a particular meeting. We can't control whether our neighbors are wearing N95 masks or other masks. What can we control? We can control how we respond, how we connect, how we serve. we can control how we surface our values and our wiser, courageous selves. Feel better already. This is super helpful. So one thing that really struck me in our conversation was this idea of these difficult emotions. You know, they're real, they're normal, but also they're not necessarily just things to get through. They're not just obstacles. we talked about them being signposts in the way that they can actually lead us to a direction to help us answer the question, who do we want to be?

4:51Who do we want to be during difficult times like this pandemic? And what do we truly value in ourselves and in the world? So I'll let her explain. Difficult emotions contain signposts to the things that we care about. If you are a guilty parent, that signpost might be that you value presence and connectedness with your children and you are needing more of it right now. Or if you're feeling, you know, overwhelmed, that overwhelm might be a signpost that you need greater levels of self-care. So the way that we are connecting with our values and who do I want to be right now is by showing up to difficult emotions and by saying what is this emotion signposting to me about what is important and then how can I move more in the direction of what is important even if it feels uncomfortable that was a really powerful conversation after Susan answering my questions I feel really relieved in a way.

6:02I feel like I have permission to have really difficult emotions and it's normal. People sometimes come to me in my work and they say, I feel so stressed and I just wish that stress would go away. Or I feel anxious and I just don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm like, I get it. I get it. But trying to have a goal that you're not going to feel stressed or anxious or sad or disappointed, these are dead people's goals. These are dead people's goals. Only dead people never get stressed, never get disappointed, never have uncomfortable feelings. You know, discomfort is part of life and tough emotions are our contract with life.

6:50We don't get to have a meaningful career, raise a family, leave the world a better place or make our way through a pandemic without stress and discomfort. Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life. And so if we can hold on to that and then use some of the skills that we've spoken about, this can lead us through this, not in a mode that feels defensive and like I'm hunkering down trying to protect myself, but rather that I'm breathing into the experience and actually developing greater levels of resilience and connection and wholeness and wisdom. And I think that is the lesson that can come from this pandemic for all of us in our own way, whatever that looks like.