Jillian’s Top 7 Dating Rules

0:00Hey, everyone. I have a really big announcement. My new book, Rewrite Your Story, How to Step into Your Power and Get the Love You Deserve, is officially available for pre-order at JillianTarecki.com book. Our past and how we feel about ourselves determine the way that we love and what we believe that we are worthy of. And inside, you will learn real practical steps to heal old wounds from childhood, overcome attachment issues, and break painful relationship patterns that are getting in the way of your happiness. This is the most personal and practical work I've ever created, and it will truly change your life.

0:47It is more than a book. It's a manual or a guide for healing, for secure relationships, for self-worth, and ultimately for letting go of the parts of your past that are continuing to haunt you. So again, it's available for pre-order at JillianTarecki.com book. And I thank you all for being here and for your support.

1:16Hey everyone, welcome back to Jillian on Love. I am going to share with you seven very uncomfortable truths about dating. So if you or someone you know is dating or single, this is incredibly important that you share this with them. And I will be doing this series for marriage and being in a relationship partnership very soon. But here I go. Seven extremely uncomfortable truths about dating. Number one, just because you're attracted to someone, it doesn't mean you should pursue a relationship with them. I mean, the truth is we're going to be attracted to many people. And just because we feel attracted to someone doesn't actually mean, it doesn't actually mean anything.

2:02I mean, we can, there's lots of things that we're going to be drawn to in another person. And, you know, I think what people are getting very confused on social media right now is now there's like this thing going around saying that like chemistry doesn't matter. Are you kidding? Like if you want it to be a romantic relationship, if you want there to be if you want to be sexually active with your partner. Chemistry is very important. But chemistry alone is meaningless. It has to be combined with feeling emotionally safe with someone, feeling like you complement each other and bring out, at least most of the time, the best in one another.

2:47It means having similar life goals. It means feeling like you have a close friendship with them. Discernment is understanding that even if you're attracted to someone, there is still so much to learn about them before you can decide if this is someone that you should pursue a serious relationship with. Discernment is also this. It's having enough self-awareness to know that you might be attracted to a certain type, but you know that that type only brings chaos to your life. So you can have a laugh. Oh, yeah, like, yeah, of course I find this person attractive. This is the person I always find attractive.

3:31But I know that when I go down that route, it always leads to something bad. So I'm not going there anymore. So I can feel that I'm attracted to them, but I'm not going to follow that feeling. I'm going to acknowledge that feeling and move on and not give it so much weight. Number two, what I have found is that people will sleep together after one date, but they won't have a 30-minute conversation about what their boundaries are, what their expectations are, what their needs are. And the truth is, if getting naked and sleeping with someone who you don't know is easier for you than having a 30-minute conversation about boundaries and needs and expectations, that's probably where your work is.

4:26And this is not a judgment. I think, you know, I think many of us have been here before. It's amazing to me, not just in the dating world, but just in relationships in general, how people are just not talking to each other about the things that really matter. These are the hard conversations, the ones that are a little bit awkward, the ones where we are afraid that if we say something, we're going to appear too needy or the vibe is going to get too serious, whatever it is. We have to talk to each other. and no matter how sex positive you might be or how free you are with your sexuality, more power to you.

5:04But we also have to acknowledge that it can very much complicate feelings and that has nothing to do with your attachment style or your childhood, especially if you are sleeping with someone who you feel connected to beyond just the physical. It's going to complicate feelings and feelings get hurt very easily in the dating world when people are not having these conversations and then jumping into bed and then having these expectations that are not met and then afterwards, you know, not getting the phone call or person not wanting to be in the relationship or whatever it is. So if sleeping with someone feels easier than having a conversation about boundaries, needs, and expectations, that is where your work is.

5:57Have the conversations. It'll save you so much stress. This episode is sponsored by Warby Parker. I love Warby Parker. You probably know this already, but I'm a glasses girl. And so I've got several pairs and Warby Parker, I'm telling you, makes great glasses for a great price. and I'm all about quality. It's hard. It's hard to get started, you know, to find glasses that fit your face, you know, that like look good on you, that do not cost a fortune, that are actually well-made. And seriously, nothing comes close on quality, price, selection, and customer service. And that's kind of why I'm obsessed with Warby Parker.

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7:17And if you are, they automatically apply them for you. Right now, buy one pair of glasses and get 20 % off any additional pair at warbyparker.com slash Jillian. That's 20 % off any additional pairs when you can purchase one pair at warbyparker.com slash Jillian. Number three, it is probably going to take longer than you would like to meet someone. it's not a guarantee. And it is a very uncomfortable truth, but you may have to go on a lot of dates with people who you don't feel a connection with before you actually meet someone who you do. You may even meet someone who you feel very attracted to and connected with, but it doesn't go anywhere.

8:10You may go on dates with people who are not available. and that's just kind of how it goes. I wish, oh boy, do I wish, I really wish it were easier because all I want is for people who want to find love, is to find love. But if you can go into dating with the realistic expectation that it is going to take you longer than what you want to meet someone who is someone who you could actually start and pursue a relationship with, then again, you manage your expectations and then you're not so easily frustrated when you're not meeting someone fast enough. And so I know it sucks to be patient, but patience is a virtue here.

9:02Number four, the greatest dating advantage that you have, that anyone has, isn't your looks. It isn't even your confidence and confidence is important. It is literally self-respect. It is valuing yourself so much that you are willing to walk away from anyone or anything that does not align with what you want in a relationship. That is it. It is your willingness to convey to anyone who you might be seeing that you are not available for just a situationship, that you are not available for games, that you are not available for mixed messages. It's not the same thing as taking it slow and it takes time to figure out whether there's a match there.

10:04But being willing to convey that by just not tolerating it, that is your greatest dating advantage. And the problem is, is that when we have, if we've been alone for a long time, if we feel the pressure of our own pressure, societal pressure, maybe family pressure, like resting on our shoulders to be with someone, that hunger, that hunger to be loved, that hunger to feel alive, that hunger to be partnered can be so incredibly overwhelming that we can throw all our standards. and our dreams and our expectations and our needs out the window just because we met someone. And that's why like that strength, that level of self-respect that says, I don't care what has to happen.

10:59I am not going to betray myself just to be, you know, just for some affection, some attention, some validation for just any partnership. That is your greatest dating advantage. It's the most important thing. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. In case you hadn't noticed, life doesn't really follow our plan. There's, you know, all sorts of things that can happen. Career changes, unexpected opportunities, definitely setbacks and major life events. And social media, family expectations, or just comparing yourself to others can make it feel like everyone else knows exactly what they're doing.

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12:20Sign up and get 10 % off at BetterHelp.com slash on love. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash on love. Number five. So if someone wants you, if someone actually really likes you, you actually will not be confused. People love to complicate dating because so many people are negotiating with another person's emotional availability or interest. And the truth is you have to discipline yourself. You have to challenge yourself to stop analyzing someone's inconsistency or mixed signals because truly it's either disinterest or it's some lack of capacity. It's not a mystery. It's truly one of those two things.

13:12Like you really won't be confused and you really don't need to overanalyze it. And it's really quite clear. This is why, especially when it's just like very early dating, just you got to keep living your life. You got to keep living your life and not make a stranger who you had a couple of good dates with so important to you. We tend to when we meet, you know, this is very common. There's that sort of scarcity mindset where we meet someone and then we tell a story in our heads about how it's been so long. And, you know, I haven't felt a connection like this in a long time. And then all of a sudden this person becomes incredibly important.

13:51This person who we didn't even know existed, you know, a week prior becomes so important to us. It's a huge mistake. You just have to, you just have to live your life. And, and if someone is not interested or, you know, not showing you signs that they're interested, then, then it's, it's truly okay. You don't, you don't have to analyze it. it's a total waste of energy. And this truth will set you free. That I know. This episode is sponsored by WhatNot. My mom was the queen of the bargain find. She just could find anything that was just worth so much and get it for so little. Turns out it's my thing too.

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15:10Connect with shoppers who share your style and have fun going live while you do it, telling you this is the future. Download WhatNot today and get$20 off your first purchase. Search WhatNot, W-H-A-T-N-O-T in the app store, sign up, and start finding the best deals on the products you love with$20 off your first purchase. Number six, the capacity to be alone, to be single and not suffer every day until you meet someone is one of the better guarantors of choosing someone who is loving and available and right for you. I'm not saying that you have to love being alone. I'm not saying that you have to love being single, but you do have to make peace with it because remember, it's probably going to take longer.

15:59You do kind of have to be willing to date a lot and put yourself out there and not let the disappointment of things not being a match, not get to you. You know, like there's like you kind of, you have to train your mind to be really strong and resilient and not to let, and not to get into learned helplessness, which is like, I'm never going to meet anyone, you know, this is never going to happen for me. That story, that narrative, you have to really, really rewrite that script and just say, you know what, this is taking longer than I want. But, you know, and there are people who will ghost and there are people who will seem interested and then not interested.

16:45And I'm just going to keep going because I have my eye on the prize. I know where I want to go and I'm not going to let anything stop me, particularly the voices in my ahead. That's the kind of mindset you have to have. But it's going to be really difficult if you can't make peace with the fact that you're not in a relationship. Like you have to be able to enjoy and embrace singlehood, even if you don't want it. You have to enjoy sleeping diagonally in your bed. You have to enjoy not having to answer to anyone. You know, a relationship is a beautiful thing. It can be a very beautiful thing that can contribute very significantly to our well being.

17:26But it is work. And it does mean that you have to contend with another ego. And so enjoy this time now to the best of your ability. This episode is sponsored by Osea. Oh, I love Osea. Like truly telling you, love it. I'm into very clean skincare. You know, my skin can get very dry. If you feel like your skin need an extra layer to help lock in moisture. I'm telling you, Osea's Hyaluronic Body Serum is a weightless gel serum. It's powered by five molecular weights of hyaluronic acid to deliver deep multi-layer hydration for the body. And it smells so good. And I get so many compliments on my skin when I put it on my body.

18:15It's crazy. It also contains anti-aging benefits and prevents visible signs of aging. Osea's iconic award-winning Andaria Algae Body Oil is for skin that deserves more than lotion. And right now we have a special discount just for you. Get 10 % off your first order site-wide with code Jillian at oseamalibu.com. That's code Jillian at O-S-E-A malibu.com. And then number seven, if you want to know who someone truly is, see who they surround themselves with. Observe what kind of friend they are and the kind of friends that they have. Observe the company that they keep. If they're a parent, observe what kind of parent they are.

19:04Because you will learn more about this person and their character through the company they keep and who they surround themselves with and how they treat all those people in their lives. Focus on their character more than anything else. And as much as chemistry matters, their character is the most important thing. Anyway, I hope this helps. please do not hesitate to reach out at hello at Jillian on love.com. Ask your questions there. I answer them. I answer most of those questions for Jillian on love plus, which is the subscriber episode. I also answer them on YouTube, on social media, and we read all your questions.

19:47So please do not hesitate. And if you have any requests for any episodes, let me and my team know, because we designed this for you. And until next time, thanks for being here. Jillian on Love is a Q Code production, executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi.

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