The Top 7 Traits of All Healthy Couples

0:05Hey everyone, welcome back to Jillian on Love. Today, I am going to share seven really uncomfortable truths about being in a relationship that if we just learned this when we were young, I know for a fact that we would all be having much more loving, fulfilling, and healthy relationships. And it would, the divorce rate would be a hell of a lot lower. So here I go. Number one, the strategies that helped you survive and adapt in your childhood are often the very strategies that prevent you from building secure relationships with others as an adult. So let's say you grew up with a parent who was very emotionally unpredictable.

1:02And as a result, you became extremely hypervigilant. And you are able to, like, read a room and track people's moods. And actually, in many ways, it may have actually served you in life, in work. But in a relationship, what happens is that it makes you get easily anxious. And if there's any change in tone in your partner, you might automatically just assume that it's you or you're just constantly fixated on what your partner is or is not doing, what they are saying or not saying. And it's very hard. The hypervigilance makes it very difficult to relax and to have faith and trust in the relationship and in the connection.

2:00And then what happens is, if it's really intense, then we might even push people away. You may have grown up in a family where feelings and emotions weren't really expressed, right? It could have been, you could have had a lovely childhood. But this is the one thing that if you look back with some self-awareness, you realize, oh, maybe this doesn't serve me so well in my romantic relationships or even my adult friendships. So maybe like when there was any tension in the household, instead of talking about it, everything was just sort of swept under the rug. Or you were encouraged to just move on with your life and don't pay attention to your emotions and just like keep on going.

2:54There's some value to that. Like for sure it helped you adapt when you were a child. It helped you maybe belong in your family. you may have been a very actually emotional child but since that was not the ethos of your family you may have then said okay I'm I'm not going to express myself emotionally because it's not accepted in the family but then as you get older and you're in a relationship you may or may not have received the complaint from one or more partners that you don't share your emotions or that you're emotionally unavailable or you seem a bit shut down or you're avoidant. And that's because when you were a child, it made total sense.

3:42It may have been a strategy to belong in your family, or it may have just been a way of being that you adopted and were conditioned to be because of the environment that you were in. So you don't have to have been raised in a toxic, traumatic childhood environment in order for you to recognize and to identify certain habits that you have that may have worked in childhood or even worked in other areas of your life, but that don't work in your adult romantic relationships. And where we have to become more skilled is by recognizing, okay, this is what I learned. This is how it served me in certain ways.

4:34But it's actually getting in the way between me and and another person and it is making my relationships um insecure and not you know quote-unquote securely attached relationship not not not safe or um not fulfilling or just not lasting so just recognizing that there are certain things that you do that are not working for you in your romantic relationships. Like that's step one, just to be able to say, what am I bringing to the table? That's amazing. But also what am I bringing to the table to my relationships? What pattern, what way of being, maybe it's the way that I approach conflict. Maybe it's, I don't know, whatever it is.

5:24There's something that you're bringing to a relationship that is not serving you, the other person or the relationship. And then, so it's first, identifying that and then recognizing how that way of being actually serves you and has served you and then reconciling that and being like, okay, that made sense then. That makes sense maybe in certain situations, but it doesn't make sense in my relationships. I worked with someone who was raised by an extremely violent and volatile father. And so whenever there was any conflict, the reaction that came from his father was disproportionately huge and chaotic and dramatic.

6:15So this person, he grew up avoiding conflict at all costs because he had made a decision unconsciously when he was a child that he would never be like his father in that way at least and so whenever there was conflict he would just you know he would just try to avoid it and he did this at work but in his romantic relationships is where it was really problematic because he then exhibited what a lot of us would then would now consider as like avoidant attachment which is whenever there was conflict, he would just run or hide. Like, he just didn't want anything to do with it. He didn't know how to handle the intensity that would come up for him inside his body.

7:02And he didn't even realize at the time that that intensity was actually a direct reaction to the intensity that he experienced as a child. and that his attempt to avoid conflict was really just a strategy, a very smart one that he developed as a child to be safe. So he had to really come to terms with the fact that this was a strategy and that it wasn't working as adult romantic relationships. And there's no magic pill that you take where you're automatically healed and like you never feel triggered. it's literally just noticing when you are, you want to go into that place where you want to run and hide and just decide the kind of person I want to be, the kind of man I want to be, the kind of woman I want to be in a relationship is someone who does not run away from conflict to the point where I leave my partner feeling alone and isolated and abandoned.

8:02Because ultimately, if we do that enough times, our partner is going to feel very isolated and alone. And then the more isolated and alone they feel, the more anxious they're going to be and the more problems they're going to bring to the relationship and for you. So you have to just learn how to breathe. You have to learn how to do things differently. And it comes with practice. But the first step is that very important awareness. This episode is sponsored by Quince. I am wearing a quince t-shirt right now. I am wearing quince pajama bottoms right now as I record these. And on my bed are quince sheets.

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9:27Everything at Quince is priced 50 to 80 percent less than similar brands. Yep, you heard me. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're paying for quality, not for the brand markup. And it's not just apparel. They make furniture. They make kitchen essentials. It's just kind of amazing. So find the fall pieces you'll reach for most at Quince. Download the Quince app for app exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash on love get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too that's q u i n c e.com slash on love number two most relationship problems are caused by two people living in their heads not communicating and then creating a story about how the other person is to blame and is the problem.

10:27At that point, those people are not even in a relationship with each other. They're in a relationship with the story that they have created about the other person. It is better to over-communicate than to under-communicate. Anything that's going to prevent you from getting so in your head and the next time there's a little tiny tension over the dishes, you don't then blow up because really what you're blowing up about is not the dishes, it's about something else. And so we have to understand, and this is something that I wish we learned very, very young, is that our minds can be like battlefields.

11:09They really can. And if we are not careful of the stories that we start to create about our partner, mom, whatever it is, the stranger on the street, the weird conversation that we had with a co-worker, like our minds can really get the best of us. And some of us are really good at creating a lot of narrative. And so when people are having a hard time with a loved one or a co-worker, anyone who they are in relationship with, whether it's romantic or not, have to understand that most of the time it comes from a lack of communication, too much stuff going up in the head, and then creating a story about the other person.

12:00And the only way out is to drop the story, to take responsibility for the narratives that we tell ourselves, to take responsibility for whatever it is that we have not communicated and instead has, we've stuffed it down and it's built up into sort of resistance and resentment and to address that and then to communicate. So even if that has already happened, you can just easily, I mean, it's not easy, but you can simply just say, look, I'm in my head. This is like what I'm telling myself about the situation. I really don't want to tell myself that anymore. Can we talk about this? Number three, what I'm about to share with you is one of the most profound pieces of advice that I could ever share about being in a relationship.

12:55And it's this. If people brought the same energy to their relationship as they did when they first met, a lot of couples would make it. In fact, I'm going to say that again. If people brought the same energy to their relationship as they did when they first met, a lot more couples would make it. If you are going to be in a long-term relationship, you're going to go through many different seasons together. You will likely bury parents. You will go through hormonal changes. You will go through body changes, career changes, raising children. I mean, there's so much that goes into long-term relationship.

13:48And so I am not here to suggest in any way, that you always have to be as energetic as you were in the beginning. And I understand quite deeply that if you're irritated as your partner or you're holding on to some resentment, it's hard to. But it is still a truism. We get comfortable. The law of familiarity makes it so that we stop trying. We stop maybe taking care of ourselves. We stop bringing joy to the relationship. We stop wearing our partner's favorite cologne or perfume. We stop trying. And then we wonder, where did the passion go? What happened to us? And in the beginning of a relationship, and this is like, let's just put wearing a mask mask and manipulation and all of that to the side.

14:54I know that's very real, but let's just shelve that for a moment. In the beginning of the relationship, every single one of us, we are putting our best foot forward. We are putting in a lot of effort to create and share magic with this person. And part of the reason why is because we're flooded with all these happy hormones. So we feel so inspired and we feel so excited that honestly, the most delightful, sexiest, most attractive, interesting parts of ourselves actually come to the surface. They're not the lies. It's not a mask. It's actually who we are, but we're leading with that. And then when we get to know someone and we're living with them and maybe we've spent years with them or decades with them, and for some people it's even months, we don't feel as inspired.

15:56It's like life gets in the way. We've got other things that are going on. Like I said, we have to deal with difficult things. We have stress. We have the stress of our daily lives. And so we fall back onto familiar emotional patterns where we are just kind of unhappy or stressed out. Or we just think this person will never leave me, or they love me anyway. We get really comfortable. This episode is sponsored by Quince. I am actually wearing a Quince t-shirt right now. I'm obsessed with it. I'm also obsessed with their pajamas. I just can't say enough good things about Quince. Even though it's still hot outside, it's like, you know, September's around the corner.

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17:29So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. And it's not just apparel. Quince also brings that same everyday elevation to everything they offer from hotel quality bedding and bath, let me tell you, it's amazing, to kitchen staples, essentials, and thoughtfully designed furniture. So upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com slash onlove. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. now available in Canada and the UK too. That's q-u-i-n-c-e dot com slash unlove. The energy that we bring to the beginning of a relationship, if we were to bring that a lot more often, one year in, five years in, 10 years in, 20 years in, that is what revives a relationship.

18:24That's it. It's the energy that we bring to it. A relationship and the success of a relationship and the health of a relationship is so largely dependent on who you choose to partner with, but it is equally dependent on the kind of partner you choose to be. And it's not just, what am I going to give this person? It's, who am I going to be today? Number four, a relationship is not 50-50. It just isn't. Some days you will have one person struggling, whether it's from being exhausted, maybe there's grief, maybe there's some burnout, some stress, and then the other person will have to step up and hold steady.

19:14Healthy couples do not keep score. And of course, you don't want it to be one person always performing at 80 and the other person always performing at 20. Absolutely not. And of course, if you're in a relationship where you are always holding steady and you are always carrying the weight, of course you're going to start to scorekeep. But it's a slippery slope. Instead of scorekeeping, you actually have to address it. And you have to address it head on. And it can look something like, hey, I feel like I am holding the weight all the time and I need help. Like you can be very, very direct about it.

19:54And if nothing changes, then something has to be addressed in the relationship. Maybe it's not the right relationship. I can't even begin to tell you how many couples are so rigid about like half and half and 50-50. And part of the art of a relationship is also being able to recognize the ways in which your partner does contribute, even if it's not the way that you contribute. So I've worked with couples where one person might be doing more of like the household stuff, not necessarily cleaning, but that could be part of it. But just like making sure the household is running great. But then the other person is like the emotional support animal to the children, right?

20:38Or the emotional support creature to their partner. They're not really so good at organization and running the ship of the household, but they're doing all that other stuff. So it's just about recognizing the contribution that we all make to a relationship and realizing that some days you're just going to have to do more for your partner. And, you know, the best relationships are the ones where you just trust that it kind of all evens out. But once you get into scorekeeping, then you know something is wrong. And honestly, the advice that I've given couples that have helped so much is just like every day they check in with each other.

21:17Where are you at right now? I'm a 50%. Okay, I'm a 20%. And the 50 % is like, okay, this is what I can do today. Or one person can say, I feel great today. And the other person can say, you know what? I'm like at 10%. It's like, okay, I'm stepping up. And just having that dialogue changes everything. And I recently spoke to a woman. I was at a dinner and she says, I love my husband more than the day I met him. And I've been we've been married for 30 years and I know he feels that way about me. I cannot believe I have had so much tragedy in my life. I've lost people when I was very young. I've had to battle some illness.

21:58But where I hit the jackpot was in my relationship. And I said, please tell me the secret. And the only thing, the first and only thing she shared with me was this. We do not keep score. Number five, never forget that a person's past does not give them permission to mistreat their partner. It does not matter what they went through. And some people have been through horrific stuff. And you can have enormous compassion for this person. You can love them. You can hold their inner child in your mind's eye and send them so much love. It still does not give them permission to mistreat you, to be mean to you, to abuse you.

22:50It just doesn't. And so everyone deserves compassion. I mean, we will mess up sometimes in a relationship. you will you will sometimes our past will rear its head in a relationship and we will do something and say something that we regret and as long as it is not abusive we have to give each other some grace as long as we own it and we apologize and just say you know that was just like something that came up i'm really sorry i love you like please forgive me but it is never ever ever okay to be a rehabilitation center for someone who just was poorly raised or had a very difficult childhood. And so you can have compassion.

23:40We have to give each other grace. And we have to give each other grace a lot. However, you must know what your limits are. You must be able to identify for yourself what is intolerable and never ever ever lower your standards for someone who lacks that self-awareness and self-control from the studio that brought you wandavision i was an avenger but i'm not a hero anymore the vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy that family wasn't real you sure about that i had a father called vision how is this possible Don't miss the two-episode premiere of Marvel Television's Vision Quest.

24:27Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+. Number six. And this is the one that's really hard for people to kind of grasp, but it's important. A relationship's job is not to make you happy. It's your job to bring happiness to the relationship. A relationship is only as strong, healthy, fulfilling, joyful, resilient as the two people in it. And no one's job is to make you happy. Your relationship does not owe you. You owe the relationship. And people don't realize that because most people forget that their partner is a gift, not a given. And if you've ever been on the receiving end of that, which I would imagine a lot of you listening to this and watching this right now, has been on the receiving end of being so taken for granted that you feel like you're just a given to the other person.

25:37And that is because so many of us think that a relationship should just make us happy. That the relationship's job is to do for us rather than it's our job to do for the relationship. It just doesn't work like that. And we have a lot of strong messaging from when we're young about if you meet the right person, they're supposed to make you happy. Yeah, of course, they should add tremendous value to your life and the relationship should add value to your life. But the life of a relationship only exists because of the life that we bring to it. If more people realize that taking care of their own mental health, their physical health, their personal development is actually the greatest gift that you not only give yourself, but that you give your relationship and your partner.

26:24So take care of yourself. When you take care of yourself, you are taking care of the people around you because we cannot give from an empty cup. We just can't. And so many people struggle to bring happiness to a relationship because a lot of people are over-functioning and trying to do everything for everyone else and not giving anything to themselves. And of course, there are people who are very selfish, who don't realize that, like, their partner doesn't owe them anything. They don't owe staying in a relationship with them if they're not willing to take care of themselves and to bring joy and stability to the relationship.

27:01That doesn't mean that you have to be happy all the time. God, no, absolutely not. You will sometimes bring unhappiness, sadness, grief, stress, anxiety, mental health struggles to the relationship because we are all human. And that's part of it. But that doesn't change the fact that there are thousands of people who are second guessing their relationship or their partner because they don't feel happy when sometimes you have to look in the mirror and just say, am I expecting this relationship and this other person to make me happy? while I'm doing nothing to make myself happy. This episode is sponsored by Jevity.

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28:53There is an exclusive 20 % off the membership for all my listeners. So all you have to do is go to gogevity.com slash Jillian on love. That's G-O-G-E-V-I-T-I dot com slash Jillian. And then last, the seventh very uncomfortable truth about being in a relationship is this. You will not be able to love your partner well from inside of a triggered state. The most important relational skill you could ever develop is the ability to recognize when you have left your adult self and then practicing the capacity to keep returning back to it. Learning how to calm yourself when you are triggered so that you don't say or do something that you regret is one of the greatest things that you can do for your relationships.

30:01And so just understanding that when you're in a triggered state, you are not seeing things clearly. You cannot love from that place. You cannot have a productive conversation from that place. You see, we talk a lot about communication skills because it's so important. But the fundamental foundational communication skill that people don't talk about because it's got nothing to do with actually talking is managing your state. So if you are triggered, you have to go for a walk, take a little time out, have a glass of water, sit down and breathe, lay down and breathe. Ask yourself, where is this coming from?

30:45Use your breath. Use walking. Talk to a friend. Get to a more grounded place when you are emotionally flooded so then you can have a conversation where you can listen more and not be so reactive. This is the hardest thing, but it is probably the most important thing. Don't try to have the conversation when you are totally triggered. Notice when you are triggered. Say, I need to take a moment so I can actually let go of all this tension and then come back to the conversation. It will change your life. You will mess it up many, many, many times. God knows I have. But you have to keep practicing it.

31:34And you can practice it in all areas of your life. You can practice it with your family members. You can practice it in dating. You can practice it with your partner. It'll completely change your life. It will completely change your relationships. Anyway, that's it for today's Jillian on Love. Seven most uncomfortable truths about being in a relationship. And please let me know which ones really resonated with you in the comments. If you're watching this, please do not hesitate to reach out to hello at JillianOnLove.com. We read all your messages. I want to know what landed for you, what didn't land for you, any questions you have, and I will continue to answer them here and also on JillianOnLove +, which is the subscriber episodes of JillianOnLove.

32:26Thanks for being here and until next time. Jillian on Love is a Q-Code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson. Produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi. from the studio that brought you wandavision i was an avenger but i'm not a hero anymore the vision returns for the final chapter of the groundbreaking trilogy that family wasn't real you sure about that i had a father called vision how is this possible don't miss the two episode premiere of marvel television's vision quest Nothing bonds a family together quite like Mortal Jeopardy. Now streaming on Disney+.

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