Why They Pull Away After You Sleep Together

0:05Why do men pull away after a night of being intimate? I seem to always have this problem. One of the few questions I'll be answering today. Welcome back to Jillian on love. So I get this question a lot, you know, like I'm dating someone, I go on a couple of dates with them. And then as soon as we sleep together, they pull away. And it's pretty much always a woman writing this in about a man that she slept with. And everybody who writes in says, you know, why does this happen? And what can I do differently? Most people, truly, when we have sex with someone with whom we have some sort of romantic attachment to, some sort of emotional connection, sex is going to release chemicals, neurotransmitters in our body that are going to make it so that we bond or feel maybe even more attached to the person.

1:04But for a lot of men, and it's certainly not all men, and it's certainly, you know, there are women who experience this too, but for many, many men, if they don't have a bond with you that goes beyond the physical, then what will happen is that even if they have they feel intensely attracted to you beforehand and during afterwards after there's a climax after the the the physiological tension has reduced that's usually when he's either going to want to see you again or not and sometimes it's They don't even know right away. But I've interviewed and have researched, I think maybe 1 ,000 men at this point, and about 83 % have told me, this is a huge, huge, overwhelming majority of men have told me that he knows on some level whether it's conscious or not.

2:12On some level, he gets a sense if after the night is done whether or not he wants to see the woman again. And that typically when he wants to see her again, it's because before he actually slept with her, he felt some sort of emotional connection with her versus the other times where it was more of a conquest. And it was more just, I desire this person. I want to have sex with this person. I find this person attractive. and almost to, and this is their language, almost operating more from the biological reptilian part, the more instinctual part, which is, again, being a hunter and wanting to have this experience.

3:02But then once that itch is scratched, they don't necessarily want to see you again, like I said, unless there is some sort of emotional connection. Now, there are women who can experience that as well. But for a lot of women, certainly not all women, but for many women, there's other things going on. There's, I like you, so therefore I want to have sex with you. Now, of course, there are women who will want to just have casual sex. They'll feel very attracted to someone. They don't really see them as a viable option to be in a relationship with. They want to just have fun. That is more taboo. We have not accepted in our culture and in many cultures, though not all, that women can have a voracious erotic desire that has nothing to do with love and attachment.

3:58And so there are plenty of women, as taboo as it is to talk about it, who want to just have that casual experience. but for many women especially women who are within an age range like 20s through 40s even beyond who who want a family who want marriage um who want a relationship usually when they're going to bed with someone they are wanting something more and if there is a connection there or they're going to bed with this person because they already feel a connection there. It's not just, it's not about the conquest. Now, women can definitely, and I, and I know I keep repeating this because it's very important.

4:44There are women who can feel that, that kind of hunter instinct erotically, but it's just less common. So I wish that I could tell you that, you know, everything, you know, you should, you should not, if you just want to have sex, just have sex. And, you know, there will be no repercussions. There are always repercussions. You know, I actually have never met anyone for whom sex did not complicate some feelings when and there are feelings involved. And most people, when they're dating and meeting people, in the back of their mind, there is a desire, a hope, a wish, a dream, that they are going to meet someone who they are going to want to be with and fall in love with.

5:45the desire to love and to be loved is so deeply human and so incredibly overpowering that it drives a lot of human behavior. And so we're all in the back of our minds when we're dating kind of wanting that to happen, but it doesn't necessarily happen for someone just because they have sex with you. And it's more likely for it not to happen for a man, like I said, unless he's had, feels some sort of connection with you that goes beyond just the physical conquest. So what does that mean for people, particularly women, where you are experiencing this a lot about when you do sleep with someone? I have no moral judgment about this.

6:38This is, you know, I believe in sex positivity. I believe in doing, you know, your body, your choice, and what you want to do is right for you. But there's still this reality that you have to think about. This episode is sponsored by Thrive Cosmetics. I gotta tell you, I love Thrive. I'm wearing their mascara right now. I'm wearing, like, their lip balm. I just, I can't say enough good things about this brand and this product. In fact, every product in Thrive is 100 % vegan, cruelty-free, and made with clean skin loving ingredients that actually work with your skin not against it with over 150 million in product and cash donations to over 600 giving partners your purchase directly fuels real impact and that's i don't know that's very meaningful to me honestly you can upgrade your everyday eye with their brilliant eye brightener it is genius actually yes i am wearing it today.

7:36It's a waterproof eyeshadow highlighter stick made to brighten and open your eyes. And it works. It gives you like literally a radiant eye look for any fall occasion. You just apply, like I apply a little bit at the corner of my eyes and it like, it makes you look rested. So amplify your spring look with Thrive Cosmetics. Go to thrivecosmetics.com slash Jillian for an exclusive offer of 20 % off your first order. That's Thrive Cosmetics, C-A-U-S-E-M-E-T-I-C-S dot com slash Jillian. Probably the biggest problem that I see is that people aren't having conversations about sex before they have sex.

8:20So they're dating, and they're in the moment, and there's a connection, and then they go to bed together, but they don't actually talk to each other about needs, expectations, what this is all going to mean if they actually really like each other. You know, they don't talk about waiting, potentially waiting. I always say that if having that sort of 20-minute conversation with someone about needs, expectations, you know, what this all means, if that feels scarier to you than going to bed with someone who you barely know, then that's probably where your work is. No, that's definitely where your work is.

9:02We have to be able to talk to each other about it. There's other things that are happening here. A lot of women have sex with someone who they're dating because they believe that that is what's going to solidify the connection. But as I've just shared, it's not. I mean, it can. It certainly can. but it's not a guarantee and um and like i said you know i've had a lot of men say to me like he he know they know um after they've climaxed whether or not they're going to want to see this person again and so this isn't you know for ladies out there this isn't to scare you but it's just it's re it's reality and so um sex sleeping with someone does not mean you're going to have a relationship with them.

9:53It doesn't mean you're going to hear from the person again. You have to make decisions about what you're going to do intimacy-wise with people who you date knowing this information. Now, a lot of people then say, well, I guess I just wasn't good enough for them, or it wasn't a good enough experience. And that is really tortured logic. I want to challenge you to challenge yourself to think of this more as biology, more than anything else. And that also, you know, sometimes we'll sleep with someone and our bodies and our hearts are tricked into thinking that we actually like this person on a profound enough level to pursue a relationship with them when really what is happening is that we had a profound, intimate experience with them.

10:54And that sometimes can confuse us. And there's nothing weak about that. There's nothing gendered about that. That is 100 % part of the human experience. And so when I talk about protecting your heart and protecting your boundaries when you're dating, this is what I mean. It's about having a very honest conversation with yourself about where your boundaries are sexually, what your expectations are. You know, that if you are going to sleep with this person, are your expectations that it's going to develop into something more? I encourage people to have very honest conversations with themselves about what sex actually means to them.

11:45where your self-esteem is tied into it why you're sleeping with someone are you sleeping with someone because you're a human being and you have needs and you want to have that experience or are you sleeping with them because you think that's what you have to do to get them you have a hard time saying no to it even though you know you should. You're saying yes because I don't know something in your head is saying you know well why not even though there's another part of you that's saying well you know you don't usually enjoy this kind of casual sex. So there's a lot that goes into this and I have found in my years of working with people and in my own personal experience and talking with friends, just like money, there's a lot of things that are tied into sex.

12:42And so you have to get really honest with yourself. But that is why they disappear. Some will disappear because they didn't have emotional connection with you to begin with. You know, they got their needs met and it was a fun time for them. And, um, and that's really where it ends for them. And some will come back and they'll come back because they just want to have sex, not because they're actually interested in you. And this is where a lot of women have to be very boundary where you don't fall into a situationship and, um, get into a circumstance where you feel used because there's also that for women, you know, there's, um, it's, it can be complicated for women where we feel like, well, I'm just being used for my body and then I don't feel respected.

13:28So there's a lot of emotional weight to all of this. And so to pretend otherwise, to pretend, well, it's just sex. Well, okay. Yeah. For some people it is. And I don't want to deny that, but for a lot of people, it's not. And so you just have to be very honest with yourself and have the conversation. I had a friend many years ago who had this rule where she said, you know, I don't sleep with anyone unless, you know, we've been dating for six weeks. And I always thought that was the most ridiculous thing. And I still to this day think it's ridiculous. It's not about the amount of time. Don't put some ridiculous rule on it because you read it in some book.

14:09It's not about the amount of time. It is what's happening in the time that the two of you are connecting. It's the conversations, the awkward conversations that you're having versus not having. It's knowing what your boundaries are. This is a big reason why I do tell people to wait, especially if you know you're someone where when you have that kind of intense experience with someone that you can easily get tricked into falling in love with this person. When the chemistry is that intense and you have that intense experience, you can think, you can have the experience of quote-unquote falling in love with someone who could be very, very, very inappropriate and wrong for you.

14:57These intense experiences, these intense physical experiences with people are very overpowering. And so don't take that lightly.

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16:07Start with a seven-day free trial, then get 50 % off your first three months. Just go to simplepractice.com to claim the offer. Again, that's simplepractice.com. Next question. Jillian, my question is, what do you do when your needs are not met, but your partner has a pretty valid excuse for why they can't be at this time due to their circumstances? So I'm a divorced mom dating a divorced dad. We've been together almost three years. When we first started dating, we had similar custody schedules. But for the past year and a half, he's had full custody of his son, which means our time as a couple is significantly reduced.

16:47We might have one night or like a day in a night every two weeks. It used to be like three times that, like a full weekend plus two nights a week. So it's a lot less. I still have two nights without my girls a week. So I still typically drive up there on those nights. He lives an hour away. We're not in the same community. to spend time and have a relationship. However, I get frustrated because he's highly involved in sports for himself. He's a coach for his son. It's kind of a big volunteer position. It takes like 10 to 20 hours a week from his life. And so there's a lot of practices, a lot of games, and he himself does a lot of stuff at night, like exercise-wise, soccer and a sambo class.

17:38and that schedule's been the same since he was divorced like six years ago and it's never changed but now that we have less time together my hope was that perhaps he would give something up in order to have more time for our relationship when I bring that up it's like unfair I feel badly that I'm asking him to stop one of his activities or change his routine but at the same time we never We're going dates. I have no prioritization that I can see in his daily life, weekly life, other than companionship on the phone and stuff. I mean, we're not building anything or seeking new experiences unless it's directed by me.

18:23To complicate matters, he lost his job a year ago, so he's financially stressed. And we're in two different financial situations. So I'm on the opposite end of that. And that makes him feel insecure and worse because I've been paying for a lot and able to provide experiences for us and our kids. And he's not. So he's like, I think, a little down on himself because of that. And he has a lot of family obligations. And so his life is just very, very full, very busy. And there's not a lot of bandwidth. And he's very stressed and kind of in survival mode, I feel like. So when I press for my needs to be met, it feels like it's unfair of me.

19:02And his answer is always like, when we live together, it will be better in a couple years, once I get on my feet. But again, I still feel like there is little spaces within his life that could be moved around to make more space, and he's not doing it, and I don't know what to do. Okay, so... It is fairly common when a man feels incredibly stressed and when he feels the burden of being responsible for a lot of people in his life, which is a burden that a lot of men carry, which is that they are sort of like the rock for family. It sounds like he has a very child-centered life. Like a lot of his life revolves around his kids' sports.

19:49and like you said he's got a lot of people who he's responsible for then you throw in um not he's not where he wants to be financially and so you've got those two burdens which is which is a burden for anyone but for a man is it's almost like so like the weight of expectations um are kind of crushing his shoulders and so it sounds to me then like his things that he does for himself, his activity stuff that he's feeling that he's seemingly quite rigid about is his way of maintaining some sense of control. I would imagine that him having control over his body, how his body looks, his exercise routine is how he's maintaining some of his sanity in the midst of feeling incredibly stressed and overwhelmed.

20:44so that's just a you know it sounds to me like you understand your partner like your your question reveals that there's insight there you're picking up on the fact that he's stressed but at the same time it's like so then what do you do because you want to you want to actually connect with him and you want to to to do things together and it's i chose this question it's such an important question because for the men who are listening or watching this right now if you if you're like yes that's me i can totally relate to that like just understand that like that when you're in a relationship that that burden that you feel and this is actually for anyone you're feeling that stress it's so easy for us to get when we're very stressed and overburdened rigid we we because we feel out of control when we're stressed and so we hyper focus on the things that we do have control over.

21:40And for some people, that's our sort of our routines, whatever those routines are. And you mentioned survival mode that I think that's, you know, I think there's a range of survival mode. And I think that what you're describing is a sort of survival mode. And again, you know, your partner more than anyone else, and you're picking up on this. And so when we get into that mode, we do become quite rigid. But as a consequence, we're not as connected to our partner. And this is why I've always said that probably the number one thing that I've seen get in the way between couples and has led directly or indirectly to more breakups and divorces than pretty much anything else I have seen in my many, many two decades of doing this work is stress.

22:29It's stress. It's feeling so burdened. whether the stress is legitimate stress that would freak anyone out, whether it's our inability, maybe we've reached a, we're kind of reached the, we're overflowing at our capacity to be able to deal with it. Whatever, whatever the reason is is sort of irrelevant, but it's how we're coping with the stress of our lives. And a lot of people, a lot of us become incredibly rigid. And as a result, in a way emotionally unavailable or just unavailable. And so it's so important that if you see yourself in this scenario, you've got to figure out a way to connect and to not disconnect from your partner because you're going to lose your partner.

23:20It's going to end up in a breakup or a divorce. And even if it doesn't, your partner's going to be very unhappy. And very much the path to your happiness is allowing some of that connection back into your relationship. This episode is sponsored by Jevity. Jevity is the first all-in-one precision health membership. Includes testing, clinician-built protocols, personalized supplements, and prescription therapeutics all in one plan. We simplify the path to a healthier you. Most people just get blood work done, see something flagged, and then literally have no idea what to do next. Jevity closes that gap.

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24:36Right now, listeners of my show get 20 % off their purchase with promo code Jillian. You just have to go to gogevity.com slash Jillian. That's G-O-G-E-V-I-T-I dot com. As far as practical advice that I have for you, my advice to you is actually to get very solutions oriented. Even though he's kind of saying, just wait, like he's postponing everything because he's thinking, I'll get my shit together and then everything will be fine. And that is a lot of how, I know you guys, men out there who are like, yep, I can relate to that. It's a lot of how people think, particularly men, and it's just life doesn't work out like that.

25:25Instead of waiting for him to get to arrive to more emotional homeostasis like in his life, I want you to offer some solutions. So for example, you could talk more about blending the family. I don't know what's going on with this, but I'm also speaking generally to anyone who's a parent and dating another parent. And there's sort of a lot of conflicts in schedule and you're finding that you're not being able to spend time together. You know, if this is someone who you're serious about and for this person who called in, it's three years. How can we start to have the conversation about blending families so that you can all spend more time together?

26:11So that's one thing that I would talk about. Another thing that you can do is say, you know, I will get babysitters for our kids or family members to watch and I will come to you because for a little while you may have to actually go the distance kind of literally may have to close the gap of the distance and go to him and go over to his place and and and do something at his place just so that you can spend more time together. You can also arrange or discuss him visiting his grandparent one day a week and that you can actually go with him. And if you don't go with him, at least it's on some sort of schedule so that he is not overwhelmed with constantly having to do everything.

26:57Because I think, you know, based on my experience with this, I think also like you're talking about the stress and survival mode. So whenever someone is stressed and in any kind of survival mode, they're anxious. Anxiety is sort of like the emotional center of gravity that has taken hold of this person. And so offer solutions where he can feel a little less anxious. And for those of you who are in this circumstance where you're feeling anxious, just know that like your anxiety is making it so that you have to fix everything, take care of everyone, be responsible for everything. And the more that you are telling yourself that narrative, the heavier the baggage and the weight is on your shoulders and the heavier the baggage and the weight is on your shoulders, the more overwhelmed you feel, the more tired you feel.

27:54And then the more you will go into control of your schedule to help you cope. And so it's a vicious cycle. So let your partner help you. So many men go into, I just have to figure this out on my own and then it'll be okay. Don't do that anymore. Don't do it. It doesn't work. Let your partner help you. Let someone else maybe help you with some of your thoughts and some of the burdens that you're feeling and actually talk to your partner about it and let them be part of the solution. Do your very best to not convince yourself anymore that you have to just like figure it out. You're stressed, you're in survival mode and as a result you're not connecting with your partner and connecting with your partner is actually going to make you very very relaxed.

28:52It's going to help you. So talk to a professional if you need to. Definitely talk to your partner. And for those of you who are on the receiving end of this, offer some solutions rather than waiting for him to change and get involved that way. Anyway, I hope this helps. As always, if you're watching this, please leave your comment. If you have not subscribed, please subscribe. It helps us keep going. And those of you who have any questions about this, any comments about this, anyone who wants their question to be read here on Jillian on Love, please do not hesitate to email hello at Jillianonlove.com because we read all your messages.

29:40And thanks for being here. Until next time. Jillian on Love is a Q Code production executive produced by David Henning and Steve Wilson, produced and edited by Travis Howe. Music by Will Tendi.

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