A Cigar Thermidor and A White Christmas?

0:00Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stomachs. It's a podcast that we make, it's called Don't Think So Somehow, and all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless. We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it. I got ID'd for alcohol the other day. You're joking. Yeah, in Leeds. That's mad. It's like ID and Judi Dench. this might just be a podcast for you don't think so somehow every time i get a message saying loving the new podcast i'm like why why like you don't i i just love how when you're actually you don't have to really know anything about what's happening like if they you get texted so many times the day before you're gonna get picked up you're just like they're gonna be there have you forgotten have you've forgotten yeah um and then if you are late to your car the driver gets in trouble because he rings up and says i'm so sorry and you can hear him apologizing he's like i'm really really sorry he could call you yeah and you just like yeah hello yeah and he'd be like i'm outside you go oh no i've forgotten to wake up yeah yeah and then you take about half an hour to wake up and then get in the car and then it's like the driver gets that's why i'm not late to be mad yeah i I wouldn't know.

1:21Yeah. I mean, the driver gets, he gets in trouble. Why was he late? Yeah. Yeah. You're just not responsible for anything. You're not responsible for anything. But your thing about like the acting is that like when I, I did a play and on a play you're treated like an adult. Like, so you're treated like a teacher at a school. So they'll send an email and in that email will be contained quite a complicated schedule about what we're doing in the week ahead. And they tell you once you've got to work it. Yeah. You've got to do your own travel. Yeah. At one time they were just all, they were in like Bristol or something in a rehearsal.

1:50and they remember they were like where are you I was like well I'm in London they were like why aren't you in Bristol I was like why would I be in Bristol they were like well did you not read the email I was like well of course not no I don't read emails a whole email I haven't read a whole email for about 14 years what the fuck are you talking about no I scan it I see if there's any pictures if there's anything that's in a size 88 font I might respond to that it's a culture shock doing the play isn't it you're treated like an adult you really are treated like an adult you have to organise your own accommodation sometimes your own food.

2:20Yeah. There's all this stuff. You're not meant to, you have to be in the theatre half an hour before curtain up and they really antsy about it. I think it's longer than that, surely. Well, no, no, on the night and once you're into a run, you have to get, you can't get there five minutes before. No. They don't like it. No. In fact, five minutes before is your call time. Five minutes before is you've got to go to the stage. So, but who's 30? Have you ever turned up five minutes before? I used to always go and get a burger or something and I'd turn up like 15 minutes before. Right. And I'd be like, what are you looking at me?

2:50Before, so you've got 15 minutes to get dressed and then go on stage? Yeah. Wow. Do you brush your teeth after having a burger before you go on stage? You know what, I do brush my teeth. I'm quite smell-bait. Well, I had to do a play and I was like, I was playing an estate agent and I was like, I couldn't get into character. And then I got this, I had this one million, you know. Oh yeah, Paco Rabanne. Paco Rabanne. What's the most about that? It's shaped like a gold block. Yeah. I've genuinely had it since 2010. Yeah. It's never run out. It's 15 years old. It never runs out. It's fucking unbelievable.

3:18I've got the same one. You had mine for a bit as well. You had some of mine. You got the same one. I remember you got a hold of mine once on set and you coming in smelling like me. I was like, like a weird sort of hazing. I was like, well, why am I over there? I'm here. Joe and James. Joe and James. Facts up again. Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James. Joe and James, facts up. Welcome to Joe and James Facts Up. Each week we'll be bringing one another a fact that we deem interesting. And our policy is the more interesting, the more true it is. We'll also dig into the weird things that you'd like to think are true, but don't want to do the research in a segment that we're calling Fact Check.

4:01Now, a lot of people have said we should have called that Fact Hunt. I mean, if I had a penny for how many comments said Fact Hunt, I would be not doing this podcast. Okay. I sort of want to do it, but in a stubborn way. I want to be like, well, it wasn't our idea. I don't want to do it, but it is perfect. Leave it with us. We want you to send in your facts for us. Our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is 07822 034 330. And our socials, the handle on all socials, it's just Instagram and TikTok really, isn't it? Yeah. There's no other real. Are we on Truth? No. What's it called?

4:44Truth social Truth social They won't let us on that Are we not on that? No Everyone's allowed to be on it though Aren't they? Yeah That's the whole point I mean we're sort of rivals Are we rivals? We're rivals with truth social Exactly Yeah Yeah we should start our own one Lies Just lies Anything that's factual Or verified You'll get banned straight away You'll be silenced Only misinformation allowed Yeah Yeah We call it like rude lies Yeah To be the opposite Our socials are at joeandjamespod and you can watch all our episodes, full episodes. You can watch them on YouTube. Search for Jo and James Factor and they go out the very same day that the audible, audio?

5:26Audio. Audible or audio. It's audio, yeah. Yeah. It's annoying because that app is called Audible, isn't it? And that's what confused me there. I've nicked a word. It is confusing. So many words now are like... Apps. Apps, aren't they? Truth. We're running out, aren't we? Truth. social media thing. Yeah. Right, Joe. Now, let's get fact up. Fact up. You nearly left me hanging there. No, I'm never going to leave you hanging. How are you, mate? Are you okay? I'm fine, thanks. Yeah. Just had a sort of kebab thing. It was really oniony. Oh, that wrap. It was really, really oniony. I don't mind a bit of onion, but this was like...

6:05Where did you get it from? On the street? I went down the food market. Oh, my God. But the queues were so long for all of them that in the end, I went into basically a kebab shop. Yeah. And I was like, well, it's near the food market, so maybe it'll be a bit like getting it from the... And it was just... Basically, I've just gone to the kebab shop for my lunch. Brilliant. But it was... Nothing wrong with that at all. No, there's nothing wrong with... I used to get a kebab at lunchtime at school, actually. I love a kebab. Yeah. I bloody love it. But it was nice, but it was too oniony. I don't mind...

6:31I mean, I think red onion, maybe. Just brown onion in a salad, that is... That's too much. Brown onion? You know, brown... You know, a regular... No, not brown... As in just a red... A white onion. White onion, yeah. Well, I think there is a white... Well, yeah, basically what I mean is raw onion. Regular communal garden onion, just raw. That's too much for me. Can I shock you? I've had to have about 10 Haribos to try and get rid of the taste. Can I shock you? Go on. I like onion. Raw onion? I'll take onion in any form. I think that's... I love a raw onion. I love a grilled onion. I love your ring.

7:05Do you like a pickled onion? No. No. But the thing is, so a raw onion is, no, no, but a raw onion. Yeah. Apart from the pickled onion. Not the pickled onion. That's all right. I like pickled onion crisps. Is that the same thing? Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you something. If I went vegetarian, that's all that would be left for me in my diet. Pickled onion crisps? Just crisps. Crisps. Yeah, don't go vegetarian. No, I can't. No, you can't. No. Hannah says I always say with a look of the philosopher on my face, like a vegetarian. Yeah. And then I ordered, the other night we went out for dinner and I had steak tartare followed by steak frites.

7:48And even the tartare came with these little pomme allumet, I think they were like straw fries, really, really thin fries. Yeah, they're great, those. Really, really nice, yeah. Shoestring fries. Shoestring fries. So basically I had steak and chips twice. Nice. And, you know, people around the table were going, he's mental, he won't do it. And I was like, I will do it. Sit back and watch this. I was like, yeah. And they were like, whoa. And like all the women were going like, who's that guy? And like, it was, and yeah. And I was like, don't worry about it. They're trying to take your top off. Yeah.

8:13And I just, I just walked out. I said, I've got to go, baby. See you later. Yeah. I've got, I've got my, I've got, I've got to see you. And I vomited it all up. Do you remember when you and Blake did that challenge? It was awful. That was awful. The eating competition, it was awful. And I ate loads of like chips to begin with. Yeah. I had a starter. Yeah, yeah. I had a starter. Everyone at the table was going, this is over already. something to begin with. We were in Australia and Blake and Joe did this sort of massive steak food challenge thing. It was horrible. You eat the steak you get it for free.

8:44It was actually just obscene. They both had to run off to the toilet. I was vomiting up that night. Stuff was coming out of my mouth and I was like that's going to rip a bit like a year. It's going to rip a hole in my face. It's too big and that can't come up. Box shaped stuff was just coming up. Like completely undigested bits of it was honestly it was horrible. It was horrible. Have you done a food challenge since um no uh no and and and actually it it just it put me off yeah it was by the end you're like this is actually horrible yeah this is just it feels the hot chip challenge i did it on mine and claire's what's that it's the it's this thing called the hot chip challenge it was in america and it's like a sort of nacho chip, like a Dorito, but it's incredibly spicy.

9:35Okay, yeah. And I was like, because I like spicy food, and I kept saying, I think I'd be able to do it. Yeah. It became like a sort of – So it's just one – it's a crisp. It's just one crisp. It's just one crisp. And it became like a sort of viral internet thing and everyone was like, oh, my God. Like, you know how people react on the internet and stuff. And I was watching, I was going, all right, I'm sure it's spicy. But do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Like, I was like, I'm sure I'll be like, oh, fucking hell, that's hot. Like, I wouldn't just go do what you did and then just walk off. Yeah.

10:10Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not just like, yeah. I was like, I'm sure I will. I'm sure it's a bit hot. I'm sure I will find it spicy. I'm sure I'll go, fucking hell, that is really hot. You were like, I've had like nice and spicy knickknacks. Absolutely. Or the Flamin' Hot Monster Munch. Yeah. You were thinking it'd be that, but a little bit more. How spicy can something be? Really, how spicy can it be? I was so fucking ill. Yeah, yeah. I was throwing up at the tube station. Then I got to the train station and I was on my hands and knees throwing up into a drain on the platform. I had my son with me.

10:44I did it for mine and Claire's podcast. My son was off school that day, so he had to come in with us. And my other son was still at school. so Claire I couldn't run we were like we were pulling up to the train station on the tube to get our train and I said to Claire I can't run you're going to have to get on this train to get Jude from school I'll get the next one Harrison stayed with me was this in London? yeah and Harrison was like I was at the train station on the platform vomiting into a drain Harrison was rubbing my back oh god and I was just like I'm going to have to go to the hospital and so that hot chip challenge yeah don't do it don't ever do it yeah yeah because it is really hot and awful but then about 20 minutes later it ruins your life for a day or two and when i went for a piss the next day my it was stinging it was stinging my penis yeah there was obviously like chilli chemical in my urine.

11:52It's the... What's it called? What's the scale? Kevlar or something. Scovilles. Scovilles. Yeah. But it goes up... I don't understand the Scoville scale because they're always like, this is 80 billion Scovilles. I know. There's no like... It should just be one to 10. It feels like it's a logarithmic scale or something. It can't be 80 billion times. I don't know. I might be exaggerating. No, no, it is. I've seen it. Some of them have got absolutely loads of zeros. And then some of them have got like, it's just one. And you're like, well, is it really that? Is that the difference? What's funny, I'm still not buying it, even though you've told me about the vomiting into a drain.

12:31I'm like, how could it be? How could it be? I know, yeah, it can't be that bad, sure. Nothing's that bad. Yeah. I was very, very ill. Joe, that was a... Well, I enjoyed that. That was an all right conversation. It was okay. What do you reckon? Four out of ten, I'd give that conversation, to be honest, below average. How many Scovilles was it? It was probably only about four million. Yeah. What I enjoy as the Scoville thing is that nobody knows what they are. So it's like, what if it makes it easier? I'll put it into a number. It doesn't make it easier. I think it was John Scoville. Is that actually true?

13:05That he grew his own chilies and stuff like that. I think it was in the 1920s when he started sort of documenting and through his experience would write. Yeah. What are the other ones? I don't know if that's true at all. Do you like that? Yeah, I'm not going to fact check. Oh, no. You're just making it up. That's fact check. That sounds great. You've got the, well, you've done the cinnamon one. Is that cinnamon? Oh, where you just take a spoonful of cinnamon. Yeah. No, I've not done that. I think I just choked a death. There's loads. You've done it. Yeah. Queen Lily Mae's done it. I can't have cinnamon anymore.

13:37Yeah. You can't have cinnamon anymore. It really put me off steak and chips, that eating challenge for a while. Because by the end I was like, I can't get it in. I could feel it backing up. It was a pile. It was like a pile in my... I did a Doritos advert with Hannah. Yeah, actually, yeah, I knew this. I think we were 16. Yeah, yeah. And we went to Amsterdam through this advert. Yeah. And I didn't have any lines in this Doritos advert. Yeah. So this is so weird, right? The advert was that Doritos were giving away like a giga pet or something, like a sort of virtual pet. Oh, like a Tamagotchi. Yeah, like a Tamagotchi.

14:14And... They were weird. And I'm holding a packet of Doritos. Yeah. And Hannah brings me in to her parents. Right, okay. And says, hi, this is... Mum, Dad, this is my new boyfriend. Yeah. And we're having a baby. Oh, I see. And that was the sort of joke. And they're like looking at me going, who's this idiot that's knocked up our door essentially, right? Yeah, absolutely. And I'm just eating Doritos, right? Yeah. Two days it took us to film that ever. That's amazing. I spent two days eating cheesy Doritos. Oh, my God. And for years, it's only been the last couple of years that I've had a cheesy Dorito again.

14:51For years, I could not have another Dorito. Yeah. And it was really weird because me and Hannah were there. We didn't know each other. Yeah. And then we were just doing that thing together. And there was a bit of, like, in the evening, there was a bit of downtime. so we went to dinner together with the parents and there was a bit of a, I don't know, I can't remember. He's never going to hear this, is he? I don't know who he fucking was. He was a bit of a fucking know-it-all, right? This geezer. And he was like taking us on a tour. Well, he's reached the top, so he should be. Well, he was literally like the dad of everything.

15:29He was like he really was your dad. Yeah. And he took us on a tour through Amsterdam. and I remember and then he took us down the red light district he did okay yeah so you did yeah right and I just remember I remember feeling really embarrassed Alan's never told me about this this day in the red light district it was great no honestly it was like I'm sure she enjoyed herself it was like ran through it yeah like it wasn't I was a 16 year old boy yeah yeah yeah so I wasn't like yeah I might give one of them a go Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like terrified. Yeah, yeah. Me and Hannah went to the taxi and the guy was like, I'll probably, I'm going to treat myself to someone tonight.

16:10It was horrible. It was grotty. And I thought, that is fucking horrible that someone's going to have to have sex with him. I just thought, that's, genuinely, I honestly thought being a sex worker. Sure. Must be shit. Because in comes this dickhead. And he was a dick. I think they should be allowed to. And I was like, you shouldn't be allowed to, he shouldn't be allowed to go. You should have to be. Everyone should be allowed to go. Come one, come all. is absolutely, for want of a better word, right? Everyone should be allowed to go, but should be allowed to price them up. Anyway, Joe, give us a fact.

16:46Okay, here we go. So last week, this actually got you down as reading this. Okay. We'll wait until we get to my fact, but then I've misunderstood. Last week we were talking about jellyfish, bees and wasps. So I thought we could fact up on things that sting today. Shit. What have you got for me, Joe? Right. I was looking into nettles and dock leaves and things. Good, yeah. So I've done a bit like you've done. I've got a few facts here. Yeah. Basically, dock leaves don't work. That seems to be the... No way. They don't work. They do. I've done it. Well, there's a sense that maybe... I fell into a whole bush of stinging nettles once.

17:30Yeah. I was on my bicycle. Yeah. I must have been about nine years old. Yeah. I think it was a new bike. You know when they're a new bike, they're slightly too big for you. So you're a bit sort of like wobbly on them anyway. And I wasn't even going anywhere. We were all just stood around. You were just... Just hanging on our bikes, just chatting for a second. And then I just went straight into a bush. My whole body... It was the summer. I was in shorts and t-shirt. Like almost every part of my skin was touched by a stinging nail. and my mates went, we've got to find a dock leaf. Yeah. And there was a river nearby.

18:07So we got like, and they were like, my mates all helped me. And I ripped loads of dock leaves out and we're like, what do you call it, bruising them. You bruise them. You've got to get the... I'm convinced it works. The theory is that there's a kind of gel in there, like aloe vera or something that's supposed to be good. From my research, which I did on the toilet before I came, which is basically my office essentially yeah yeah I might as well just call it it's the office I mean that's where I work I fucking love the toilet that's where I work I mean it is it's like you've got your computer the door's locked that's where you can actually get something fucking done I've got the toilet and walking the dog yeah and that's when I go into like a sort of zen mode yeah where my brain stops thinking about all the fucking nonsense that it wants to think about I don't know what I'd do without the toilet and it goes right remember you've got to come up with a fact for Joe tomorrow and that's when I sort of get my thinking done.

19:05Yeah, me too. Well, I haven't got a dog but I am... Child, wherever. Exactly. Children are easier than dogs. I am... You can't get a dog on a plane. I was at my parents recently and they have a dog who's near the end. Yeah. Right. And I kept coming back into the room after I said goodbye to it, because I'm going to New Zealand quite soon. Yeah, yeah. And I was honestly thinking, I probably won't see Gus again. Right. And I kept patting him and going, well done, boy, well done, boy, and then leaving the room and then worrying that he could see me looking worried. Right. And then I kept coming back in and being like, don't worry about that, don't worry about that.

19:53See you soon, everything's going to be all right. And then I'd go and be like, oh, my face fell again. and then and I went back and I'm like hey I'm back again back again well done boy I've never called him boy before well done boy well done boy did you live with Gus? no he just lives with my no did you live with Gus though or had you moved out by the time your mum and dad I'd moved out by the time by the time he was there but I've seen his whole life yeah went from being a puppy and it's only just occurred to me that he's how old is he? I think he's about 12 yeah yeah 12, 14 yeah Yeah. I'm sure he'll still be there.

20:28I hope he'll still be there. But basically, I got into a real loop. I kept coming back. It was like, why does this guy keep coming back? Anyway, but I hope Gus is still there when I get back from New Zealand because he'll be there. But anyway, so I did this on the toilet. So basically, I did a bit of that. Some people think that it's because dot leaves are alkaline and nettles are acidic, but actually, they're both acidic. So it's not that. But what's interesting is that they're not quite sure why nettles sting you. There are a few things in them that could cause it. And I suppose the thing that I've allighted on as kind of like the fact that I've kind of highlighted is one of the things that they contain is serotonin, which is interesting because in another form, serotonin is obviously what we need to feel happy.

21:13I was going to say antidepressant. It is. Yeah. Serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Serotonin. Sertraline. Sertraline that was what I was on yeah me I'm currently on it mate love it love it that's the other thing I've got to do is that I've got to check I've got enough sertraline for New Zealand right because if you get caught short without your antidepressants you need to find any other actor and then write somewhere there so it'll be fine yeah but it's but I need to make sure I have enough sertraline but because then you can't get it from Nettles it doesn't work you can't inject it no it'd be like you could crush it up maybe It'd be like rubbing heroin on or something.

21:54Blend it, yeah. Can't you eat stinging nettles? You can eat stinging nettles, but I don't know whether that – yeah, you've just got to boil them, I think. Cook them and then – Yeah, stinging nettle soup. I think they're probably quite good for you. My mum says any green veg has loads of vitamin C in it. That's it. And, you know, who am I as a 42-year-old man to look into anything my mum says other than just accept it as totally true. I'd accept that. Yeah. So, yeah, essentially, they've got serotonin in. They've got a load of other stuff. Histamines. This is nettles. Well, that'll be it then. Oh, no.

22:22Histomies, yeah. Oh, yeah. No, yeah, yeah. Dock leaves do not have anti-hemp. So it might be a placebo. I, like you, believe that they have helped. Just through anecdotal evidence. I believe they have helped. And I've used, like, as a kid, I used it constantly. It may be that we just rub when we put a dock leaf on and that that helps to kind of get rid of it, the rubbing. Or just the fact that they're cool, just a cool leaf. There used to be a thing in beavers. You used to have to... Yeah. Be able to spot a dock leaf. Yeah. I used to have a little film case, you know, a roll of film, a little black tube.

22:59And in it was a bandage and a 50 pence piece for going to the public telephone box to call for help. And they were like, just stick that in your pocket. It's really convenient. It was like, that's quite a good thing. Shut up your arse. And that's Cubs. Was it in the in-betweeners film? They said it had to go up the arse for some reason. I don't know. It was weird. I was like, why does that have to go up my ass? They were like, it has to go up your ass. It's got to. Has to. Faden Powell said it has to go up the boy's ass. You're not going to put it in my ass badge. Why are we doing this special...

23:36Why are we doing the sausage sucking badge again? Just awful. Just awful. Awful stuff. No, but there's... I was not abused at Cub Scouts. It was fine.

23:53Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stomachs. It's a podcast that we make. It's called Don't Think So Somehow. And all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless. We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it. I got ID'd for alcohol the other day. You're joking. Yeah, in Leeds. That's mad. It's like ID and Judi Dench. This might just be a podcast for you. Don't think so somehow. Every time I get a message saying, I'm loving the new podcast, I'm like, why? Why? Oh, dear.

24:37Joe and James, Facts Up! So the dock leaf doesn't work. It's bullshit. The dock leaf doesn't work, but nettles do... Well, no, there's no reason that we know of that it should work. If it works as a kind of placebo effect or for some reason we don't understand, then fine. But basically, there's no reason that it should work. And also, the nettle sting has serotonin, but not in a way that could really help you. So it's just sort of lose-lose, really. It is, yeah. I'm disappointed with that. Basically, plants are shit. Everyone goes on about them, but actually, it turns out they're fucking useless.

25:12Yeah. I think moderation, isn't it? I think we should just get rid of all the plants and just replace it with... Pills. You can just put all that in pill form, can't you? Put it in pills. I just want to live in a completely plastic room and have all my food in pills. Yeah, freeze-dried. All right, I'll work on that for you, Jay. Thank you. We do have to do fact check. This is where you send in something that feels like a fact to you that you'd like us to confirm. Yeah. So we'll be reading a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of, and then we're going to have a good old think during the break, and we'll come back and discuss it and let you know how true it feels to us.

25:50And then we'll decide whether it passes our fact check. We are also going to then throw it over to Queen Lily Maid to actually verify it because it is unsatisfying. If you listen to the podcast and - No, what we'll have is we're going to go to Lily Maid and then the mainstream media will have its say. Ooh. Do you know what I mean? So then we'll get an answer from the Metropolitan Elite based on what they say is true. Is it true? Is that one of your truths? No. Is that one of your truth social? That's one of my truth social. I'm trying to get under truth social, so I'm trying to get in that way.

26:31All right, Joe, I believe you've got this week's fact check. Yeah, I have. So this comes from Belinda, and she said... Will's mum? Belinda Stewart-Wilson. Yeah. Will's mum. Polly McKenzie. Polly, that's right. Yeah, good one. Good for you. Thank you. Good for me for remembering. Because they are like, the boys only ever say hello, Mrs. McKenzie. Yeah, they have all got names, the mums and dads, but you don't often. Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Mrs. Cooper. I don't know what my parents' names are. Have they got names? Probably. Robin. Well, no, that's the actress. Robin Weaver. Yeah. Martin Trenum. But in terms of their first names, Jay's dad, I believe, is called Terry.

27:16Terry, yeah. Played by the great David Scholl. Oh, yeah. Oh, the great. The first series, because he'd been in the office, we were like, hi, David. Hi, David. You and Simon Bird. Yeah. Like, we're just staring at David Scholl. Yeah. It was really weird and freaking him out. Because he's Tuffy. Because he plays Glyn. Tuffy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's just my dog shagging his dog. Brilliant. You'll be next. You like some posh? Yeah. David, a word now. Yeah. That was disrespectful in a way. What she needs is a bloody good shagging. Might have to now. I'll see you later. I have got the names of the Coopers, if you wish.

27:55Yeah, what are they called? So they're Pamela Cooper. Pamela. No, did not know that at all. And Alan Cooper. Alan. Well, that's Alan of all things. Well, it rings a bell. Because they were either just Dad or Mr. Cooper. Yeah, yeah. Or in my mum's case, a bag of shit was what she was constantly being called. What was Neil's dad called?

28:21Don't know. Don't know. I have the answer. Oh, you've got it. Yeah, go on. I just thought I'd see it. I feel like we should know this. It hardly ever comes up. It's Kevin. Kevin. Kevin Sutherland. Kevin Sutherland. Okay. Right, we've got to do Belinda. She's, bless her, she wants us to. Sorry, Belinda. She wants us to do a fact check. Here we go. My friend Becky told me years ago that if you eat nine bananas in a row, you will die. Yeah, I heard that. I heard that. It's the potassium. I've heard versions of this. She says that every banana contains the same amount of potassium regardless of size, and if you eat nine, you will die of potassium poisoning.

28:55Yeah. I've repeated this fact to many people over the last 25 years, but I'm still not sure if it's true. I have challenged her over the validity of this fact a few times to which she replies. She's throwing a glove on the floor. Damn it, it's not true To which she replies Well, if you quite get a reply Well, if you're so sure Eat nine bananas then Fucking hell What do you reckon? Thanks, Belinda Well, we could Do it? Jackass, jackass is back The thing is, right We could either Have a discussion during the break And come back and do our thoughts Or I don't like bananas So I'm out I don't like bananas You got that in fucking quick, didn't you?

29:37we could get Joe convenient to eat nine bananas oh god am I doing that yeah and find out if he dies although we might have to fact check it because just because he does yeah that would be when am I going to die if I do die I had because as long as it's within as long as it's after we finish because we're in threes day aren't we yeah that's right well not really we're doing one of them in the new year no but we'll we'll yeah we're for those just by day I mean the next two months. Peeking behind the curtain here, we are shooting three episodes in one afternoon of this podcast. But what we'll do is we'll do, when we did the in-betweeners, where you had to fall into an icy...

30:20Lake? Not lake, was it? It was a... Pond? River? Estuary? No, it was the sea pretty much, wasn't it? You're talking about the episode... School trip. Field trip. Yeah, the one to Swanage. Yeah, field trips to Swanage. what's that called port that's the word I was thinking of it was a port wasn't it it was a little port and we were I'd say it was a harbour harbour yeah the important bit is is that it was filmed January something like that February it was fucking freezing and the day before we shot that scene of Joe falling off the boat into the sea before there was a huge storm yeah in Britain what and that was the last day of the shoot when you fell in that water.

31:08And they did that because they were genuinely like, in case he dies. So we've still got a TV show that we can put out afterwards. It was left to the end of the shoot. On the last day of the shoot, that's when Joe fell in the water. And for everyone else, it was like, anyway, that's a wrap, guys. We'll see you all soon. Good luck. Like the, and like I went away and I was like, I wonder if Joe's died. Like it'd be like a week later and I was like, I wonder if Joe, I wonder if Joe's still with us and I haven't heard from him. That's fucking weird, isn't it? They did that. Well. Sinister. I'm still here.

31:43Yeah. Like it was fucking freezing. You know when it just like kicks the shit out of you and you're knocking it. Because it's, because you. And then I remember Ben Palmer who's ret was going, okay, and just bob back down. I was like, he kept saying, fuck you, fuck you, mate. That was making you angry. He was like, right, we're going to go again. Joe, can you just bob back under? Just saying it like that. Yeah. Wild swimming's quite trendy now, though. So did you not feel the hell of that? That wasn't wild swimming, man. That was... Yeah. Because you've got a line where you go, holy fucking shit, that's cold.

32:15And they used... Yeah. Holy fucking shit, that's cold. Yeah. Like you can... There's no acting going on. Wild swimming. My parents are quite into wild swimming. and they used to go wild swimming in a river near where they live in Essex. Nude. No, not nude. It's just like... Definitely nude. They wore costumes. Because your mum and dad are quite sort of hippie, aren't they? They're quite hippie. Yeah, they were definitely nude. They'll swim in very, very cold water. My family are quite into cold. My brother, he lives in Glasgow, he will swim in water that's like three degrees. He'll swim like, he loves it.

32:55Is that the neuroscientist? No. No, Greg is, he, well, he works for, he actually works for the Scottish Humanists. But he. The Human Fund. But I would also say, so that, but he does have, I also think Greg is also like basically an artist. Like he actually, he makes and sells art. Right. And he also writes about art. Yeah. And he's also got an interest in music. All my brothers are quite musical as well. But yeah, his day job, I suppose, is that he works for the Scottish humanists, trying to sort of promote, you know, issues that humanists care about, like human rights and, you know, things like that.

33:36Yeah. Stuff like that. But he's contributing to society. He's contributing. He's contributing. Your other brother runs a school or something. Adam's a primary school teacher. Yeah. And then George is... Moulding young lives. Moulding young minds. And if you like moulding young minds... Go on. George is a neuroscientist. I mean, he's literally like fist deep in brains. Yeah, we were talking about this the other day. They all contribute. Two of them have got PhDs. Two of them are doctors. One of them, the other pro school teacher, he's got a master's or something. Yeah, but are you going to eat nine bananas?

34:08But I was telling Joe, I'm playing for time. I was telling Joe, like, when he was telling me about his brothers and stuff and what they do. They're all very impressive. I was like, that must be really awkward at Christmas. Because one of them's like brain surgeon or whatever. Yeah. And they're like teaching kids, humanist. And I was like, yeah, well, have you ever got your bollock out? My family, they're all very educated and I'm literally like, they must be like, what's happened to him?

34:40This episode is sponsored by QuickFit. Right, winter's properly landed, isn't it? Dark mornings, icy windscreens, everyone losing the plot over Christmas shopping. It's the time of year you really want to make sure your car isn't about to conk out on you. Luckily, QuickFit are offering a free vehicle safety check. Quick, easy and honestly, a solid way to stop your family road trip turning into a breakdown on the hard shoulder. And it's got me thinking, Joe, about some of my favourite, and let's be honest, most chaotic memories have been on family road trips, especially around Christmas. In fact, we've been on a couple of road trips together, haven't we?

35:16We've been on many a road trip. Do you remember the one where we had to drive to the middle of Australia together? Yes, I remember that road trip. And we had an Australian crew with us and we were all in the car, all the British actors. And we decided to get out because we all used to go to the toilet. We went to nature's toilet, didn't we? Went to nature's toilet, the outback. Yeah. Huge the outback, isn't it? Huge and empty. Huge, huge and empty. There's no one there. No. It's absolutely massive. There's no one there. you look around you go this is a safe place to have a little tinkle but we thought it'd be funny if we all just stood in a really really tight row like we were a urinal and then this road that had no other cars on it for like days at a time one other car drove past and we could see their faces out the window being like what are those guys doing and then when we got to the set we realized that in that car had been the entire australian crew and that night in the pub we could hear them all talking about us being like, yeah, they're really weird.

36:14We saw them doing something on the way here. We don't know what it was. You've done a little wee together, guys. Come on. Come on. I thought they liked banter. Exactly. I love that stuff. I went on a Christmas trip once as a kid. My family went away for a few days for Christmas. I don't remember where we went and I don't remember who we saw. All I remember was that it was a long journey and my dad just had Chris Rea Road to Hell album playing over and over again. It was on tape. It was on a tape deck. Road to Hell. Merry Christmas. Yeah. It wasn't like nowadays you can just connect your phone and you can listen to any song and it will just shuffle the music for you and you don't have to worry about what's coming up next and your playlist.

36:59It was the days where when you put something, one album in the car, that was it. Yeah. That's the only album you can listen to. So once that finished, after, I don't know, 45 minutes or something, I think we were in the car for about six hours. I must have listened to that album about seven times. Yeah. Just sat there listening to... We're on the road to hell. That is my favourite Christmas hymn, though. Well, he does have driving home for Christmas. He's obsessed with driving, Chris, are you? He loves driving. He's always singing about being in his car. He's either on the road to hell, he's stuck in traffic trying to get home for Christmas.

37:33Yeah. What's the matter with a guy? So getting that winter check done at QuickFit means you can keep making memories on the road. It's not just another task to tick off. It's an act of care for you and those in the back seat, which could be your children or it could be your mate treating you like a taxi driver. So don't wait for the car to start making weird noises. Book your free vehicle safety check with QuickFit and keep the chaos running smoothly this winter. Drive away happy every time. Joe and James Fact Up! Right, welcome back to Joe and James Fact Up. But before the break there, we were just fact-checking on behalf of Belinda, who wanted to know, if you eat nine bananas in a row, you will die.

38:09Now, that is, Joe, a fact, because I have heard the same thing, and it is about potassium. And let me tell you something about potassium, right? I didn't know what it meant when I was a kid, and I used to play, when I was in primary school, I used to play a game called WWF Smackdown 2 on the PlayStation with my mate, and we created our own characters, and we were in a tag team together and we were called Ultimate Potassium. That's funny. You just thought it was an impressive word? Yeah. That's good. So I know that it's dangerous. You don't want to mess with that kind of shit. It's actually quite a volatile...

38:50Is it K? I think in the periodic table it's K. Oh, don't. Oh, no. I used to hate the periodic table so much. I know. They don't make any sense. They don't make any sense. It's quite useful for like cryptic crosswords and stuff. What's gold, AU? Yeah, I know. I know. It doesn't, they don't, there aren't enough. I suppose it's Latin, is it? I don't know why potassium is K. Queen Lily May, what's Latin? What's the Latin word for gold? One second. I reckon it's got to be Latin. Everything's Latin, isn't it? It is. It's, well, I don't know how you'd say it, but it's A-U-R-U-M, Aurum. Aurum. So that's AU, that's gold in the periodic table.

39:30There's quite a lot that don't make sense. The thing is, the ones that... Sorry. That's right. I like it. We touched toes. Oh, sorry, sorry. Oh, sorry about that. Oh, sorry, sorry. Here's to news possibilities. We used to do this all the time. We already spoke about this. Yeah, no, it was a sort of game that we just played with ourself that no one else knew we were playing, where we'd pretend we were in the early stages of getting off at each other. We were like cheers and just going, here's to saying yes. Yeah.

40:02to new possibilities. Let's see where the evening takes us, I guess. It was good. It was good. And then, of course, there was two pens. Were you allowed to talk about two pens? No, we're not. We're not allowed to talk about that ever. It was a weird game that we used to play on set of the Inbetweeners. I mentioned it to Jonathan Ross's researcher, didn't I? And even Jonathan Ross's researcher was like, we can't talk about that. Jonathan Ross, he's a man who likes quite a lot of homoerotic stuff. Even he was like, that's fucking weird, mate. Yeah. There was an interview that ended where with, I think with the NME.

40:33It ended with a quote from Blake that was like, they were like, what are you like around each other? And we were like, oh, we're pretty, you know, we're pretty full on with each other. And then Blake said, and then we were like, and then I said, it gets quite weird. And then Blake said, it makes other people uncomfortable. And that was the end of the interview. The last word from the interviewers was Blake saying, it makes other people uncomfortable. You're like, what do you mean? What is that a joke? My favourite interview. Oh, what was it? I think it was like Hello or Okay or something like that.

41:00It was one of those sort of like, what are they called? Glossy mags, right? Yeah. And you know, like they'll have like the headline and then we'll do a photo shoot. Yeah. And the headline will be in conversation with the in-betweeners or something like that. And then they will take something that someone said and they'll be like the sub headline. That's right, the kind of pull quote or something. Yeah. And the pull quote was, Joe. Yeah, I remember this. Joe, I'd quite like a white Christmas this year. James, well, I can arrange that for you. Oh, God. It was so good. It was so homoerotic. Brilliant.

41:39It was as homoerotic as like the fucking Greek army in ancient Greece. It was brilliant. It was just brilliant. It was like, it's the culture. The culture of the show is homoeroticism. And not really in a jokey way, just like that's what we find productive. We find a homoerotic atmosphere productive. We find it intellectually productive. We find it calms us down. We like it. It's what we like. Yeah. Anyway. What's wrong with that? Belinda, you are... I'm going to go yes, because I've heard the same thing. I think they have got potassium in, but... If you eat too many bananas, you die. I'm sure it's not...

42:08What did she say? Seven? I've heard it was seven. Seven? She's saying nine. People would have died. If it was seven, every Freshers' Week, there would be a story about a student dying. What are they doing? They're shoving up an ounce, aren't they? They're shoving up an ounce. I suppose they are. That probably actually, do you hear too on a similar vein? Have you heard the thing you were at school where they were like, if you shove a cigarette out of your bum, you die? Because you get such a rush of nicotine. Oh, it's too much. Because the skin is so thin. Right. It goes in your eye. Oh my God.

42:40It's like a nicotine suppository. Yeah, you write a really quick novella and then you die. But it's like a nicotine suppository. But if it was a cigar, because it's got thicker leaf. Right. That's good for anaesthetising you. I was looking at cigars online. I bet you were. I was thinking about becoming a cigar guy. Get a Thermidor, will you? A Humidor. Humidor. Thermidor's a lobster steak.

43:06This doesn't work. This Thermidor's no good for the cigars at all. It really makes your cigar soggy, doesn't it? This Thermidor's to have his bollocks. Go without. Cigars all soggy and cheesy. no I was looking at human dolls I'll tell you another thing I was looking at just last night yeah I was thinking about I can't even bother with Claire with this I was like this is a conversation like she was sort of yeah there were there were times where you just and I was like I know for a fact and I love annoying Claire I live to annoy her and I was like even no even this will blow her mind but I was just thinking about observing Lent next year

43:51I was like maybe I could give something out And I was looking up the dates

43:59God almighty I was like I might You know I'd do it It might be like something spiritual And it might You know I might be a better person Because of it Yeah Yeah It's 40 days I think it's 46 days is Lent next year Because that includes It's 40 days but not including Sundays I think you're allowed to have at Sundays you're allowed to sort of... Oh, and what's the thing where... If I was this close to just like, imagine lying next to me and you're just dropping off and then I'd touch her on the shoulder and go, I think I might observe Lent next year. Even I had to stop myself and be like, no, I think this will end.

44:36Imagine if it in any way affected your family life. You couldn't pick the kids up because you're like, I'm just a bit knackered, Claire, because I haven't got much energy because I'm observing that. It's important to me though, babe. It's important to me. You said it was good for me to have a hobby. This is really important to me. That will be how my marriage ends, by the way. It won't be like a big... Too much, yeah. It won't be a big dramatic thing. It will just be like the final straw. It'll be the constant little annoying things that I'm constantly doing. I should go, I've got to stop. I've just got to stop because it's not healthy.

45:13Yeah. I've tried so hard, James. Yeah. yeah just like yeah but I did I did stop myself so if you're listening if you're listening Claire I know for a fact you don't and you showed the kind of restraint that actually will see you through Lent when you do observe it so you were actually quite that's the one thing I wouldn't be able to do yeah not annoy Claire if you if you told her you were going to observe that she'd be bang up for it she'd be like yeah do that I'd have to not talk to her yeah I go to Hannah just as we're falling asleep what's your favourite thing about me really yeah and if she won't answer I don't want to pull at that thread that's a scary question and if she'll say something like you're nice and I'll be like no come on think of something think fucking think and she's like I'm trying to go to sleep just something specific I call Claire baby when I know I'm winding her up my whole thing is I always go what's wrong baby what's wrong It's good to see how much you can get away with.

46:15It's really fascinating. It's so much fun. Because, yeah, you've got to be like... Bless her. Oh, that's her life. Unlucky.

46:25Well. What are we saying to Belinda? Are we going nine bananas? Did you say nine or seven? She said nine. Oh, yeah, nine. Because I've got to do my fact as well. Yeah, we've got... Okay. And I've fact stacked and also I've fucked my fuck up. Fact up. Shit. What the hell? A fact to my fuck up. What the hell? Right, what are we saying? Are we saying fact or no fact? Are we saying it's fact or fact up? I'll go with whatever you do. It's not true. It's not true. Right, we're going... It's not true. So it's fact up. I think you have to eat. Does that mean it's not true? You'd have to eat. Is that what we're doing now?

46:58I think so, yeah. It's fact or fact up. Yeah. And this is... Fact up. We're going fact up. It's fact up. It's too few. You must be able to eat nine. It can't be nine. That's madness. I feel like they'd ban bananas. Of course they would. It's mental. Sorry, you like apples, do you? Fine. Oh, don't have three. Oh, he's gone. Yeah. You give kids bananas and stuff, don't you? You certainly do. No, we're going to say that's fact up. Queen Lily May, what's your ruling? So upon my research, you are correct. This is fact up. It is to do with the potassium levels. That's where this common understanding comes from.

47:39However, apparently experts say that you would have to eat roughly 400 bananas in a day to potentially have a lethal level of potassium. However, they say that's to do with being like a generally healthy person. So if you are someone who perhaps has certain health issues, actually a lower amount of bananas could impact you. But you're still going to need about 250. You're going to need a lot of bananas. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. Where are they putting them? Well, yeah. Because I reckon 400 of anything. Well, that's the thing. I mean, if you had 400... Going to finish you. Yeah, it would kill you, wouldn't it?

48:16So basically, it's an amount where you would die from just having an exploded stomach before you actually died of the potassium poisoning. Yeah, I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be able to physically ingest 400 bananas. There's no room there, is there? There's not enough room. How much does 400 bananas weigh? Yeah. I mean, so much. Yeah. There's no way you're getting 400 bananas in your body. I reckon an unpeeled banana. What do you reckon? Half a pound? I reckon it's about... I reckon a peeled banana weighs 50 grams. Lily-Mae, what do you think? Well, I've Googled it. Okay, but what do you... You're still thinking it.

49:04Well, it tells me about different sizes of bananas. Okay, well, okay. So let's say a medium... A medium. A regular but an average banana. I think average. Well, so they say a medium banana is seven to eight inches long. Yeah. Why are you laughing? Let me tell you something right now. That is not an average size. No. All right? No. I'm not having that at all whatsoever. Yeah, whoever told you that is lying. Yeah. What's that? What's that? What's that Tinder profile? Yeah. Please. Please. So a medium, average. I want to see a photo. For a different reason. Yeah. Just I'd like to see a photo. Sorry, Lily Michael.

49:40Of a penis. I'd like to see a photograph of a penis. Carry on. And an average or medium banana would weigh 118 grams, which is 4.2 ounces. Is that with the peel, though? I bet it is. I think that's with the peel. Includes the peel. Yes, it does. Of course it includes the peel, because that's so high.

50:06Right. Well, anyway, we've got to move on, because I've got a fact. Haven't done your facts yet? I've facts stacked again. Now, here's my facts for you. What are we talking about? Right, I got... Yeah, so I got slightly confused with this week's facts. Okay. I've facts stacked, so I'll just rattle through them. Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh, God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stomachs. It's a podcast that we make. It's called Don't Think So Somehow. And all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless. We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it.

50:48I got ID'd for alcohol the other day. You're joking. Yeah, in Leeds. That's mad. It's like ID and Judi Dench. This might just be a podcast for you. Don't Think So Somehow. Every time I get a message saying I'm loving the new podcast, I'm like, why? Why?

51:12Fact number one He used to be a school teacher

51:17Very good Did you see that coming? Very good Before joining the police Sting taught English And music to their school teachers in England He's famous for claiming to practice Marathon length tantric sessions He is famous for that. He once joked in an interview that he and his wife could make love for seven hours straight thanks to yoga. Boring. Yeah. It's all the end bit, isn't it? That's the best bit. Yeah, I don't know what... Let's just get to the end as quickly as possible. I don't know what they're doing there. You don't need exposition, do you? You don't be like, well, let's... Anyway. He once...

51:54Here you go. This was the one that I really liked. Maybe some people would like that. To be fair, what you guys are doing with your toe touching, that's kind of tantric. That's tantric. Yes, it is, isn't it? Here's the fact that I did like about Stink. Yeah. He once kept real bees. Very good. He's been an advocate for bee conversation. Come on.

52:17Conservation. You can advocate all you like, mate. He's always trying to encourage them to talk. He's an advocate for bee conversation, but no one's got back to him yet. He's just trying to open up lines of communication for bees. Every day he checks that website to see if he's had any hits, if any bees have logged on. He's been an advocate for bee conservation and has actually had hives on his property. And he lives in a 16th century Tuscan villa. He makes his own wine and olive oil. That's facts about sting.

52:56Well, I don't know about you, Joe, I'm all fact out today. I'm fact out. What have we learned? We've learned that dock leaves don't work. We've learned that you can eat up to 400 bananas until it starts to affect your health. And that Sting wants to talk to bees. We hope that you've learned something or at least had a nice time. We'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and soothing. You keep doing it in your accent, Lily Mae. I know, but it's my voice that's in my head. Facts, chats and soothing masks. I'd say masks, of course. Don't forget that you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense.

53:41Anything, anything you think. Oh, get those idiots to talk about it. Our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822 034 330. and our social media handle is at joeandjamespod. And you can find all that information in the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details. There we go. There's a podcast. See you next week. Bye.

54:09Joe and James F***ed Up.