Joe and James At Their Very Best

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1:12That's Q-U-O dot com slash tech.

1:19Hi, this is Joe and James Fact Up. It's a podcast that we do that you're listening to. This is going to be one of those annoying best of episodes, unfortunately. Sorry about that. But we're going to be diving deep into Joe and James fact up law. All those sort of, what would you call it? Long running jokes, jokes loosely. Yeah. That we keep mentioning. Things that we've returned to. Yeah. We're going to be going through the best bits of that. So listen. Yeah. Imagine that. So it's a repeat and the theme is things that we've repeated. Don't think about it too much. No, just Hall of Mirrors. That'll do, innit?

2:03Yeah, that's perfect. Great.

2:11Again, I don't know whether you're comfortable with this. Do you remember when we auditioned for War Horse together in that hotel room? That was unbelievable. Look at that. That was unbelievable. Oh, my God. That was incredible. I've not thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wasn't that extraordinary? Yeah. Yeah. No, because now I know why you've said I don't know whether you're comfortable with me talking about. Because I did something really embarrassing. We did a fucking terrible job. Like, it was. Oh, no, the pair of us. Yeah, yeah. So we were making, when was this? We were making the TV show. We were making the second series of The Inbetweeners.

2:46The second series of The Inbetweeners. And. So during making The Inbetweeners, me and Joe, we were making the show during the day and then all four of us would usually be in a hotel or something like that in the evening. So we were always with each other. Yeah. Work, eating together. And then also me and Joe had both got an email from our agents, our different agents, saying there's this audition that's come through. It's for War Horse, the film. Yeah. And we were both like, oh, God, yeah, I've just got that as well. Yeah. we had to film and this was before you had your phone and you could just fucking film something on a phone yeah did we ask production for a camera we must have got a camera from production or something but what so what I remember is we first of all we went oh no this is embarrassing I remember that first of all we went like we went to the bar and we had like yeah you gotta have a we had a couple of drinks we had a few drinks oh god it was so bad so we went in I was like oh bloody hell and in my mind I was like this is so bad but like I didn't think it was that good a project I thought it was like a horse it was boring man I was always like oh come on I know about the playing stuff it reminds me honestly because I was like it's based on a children's book like give me a break by the way it was Steven Spielberg it was just like It was a Spielberg film.

4:20Also, I mean, I've been nowhere near anything like that since then. So I should have taken it more seriously. So we were a bit drunk. So we were drunk. I completely forgot about this. And what we did was we, I can't remember who went first. I think you, what's funny, I still wasn't even really completely au fait with the idea of self-taping. So I remember I did it and I was like, oh, I wasn't that happy with that. Oh, never mind. Well, it's gone now. You went, do you want to do it again? And I went, no, I'll leave it. Because I only see in my head, I was like, well, that's honest. I mean, that's what I'm like.

5:09Like, at one point doing it again, a weird attitude, a weird attitude for self-taping without. We've already established that your first, the first thing you do is always your best. Yeah, exactly. In a way I was right. Whether it's theme songs, it will always be the best. I dare say if I had done 200 takes, it would not be the case that I would have gone on to be in War Horse. And then I remember you auditioning. Do you remember what I did? I do. Yeah. Right, listen, in my defence, you made a trench. You said, I'll be in a trench, and you were crouched down on the floor of the hotel room, and you were like, at the end of my audition, I'm going to go over the top?

5:56And you said, you crawled onto the bed, but what was funny is you wanted to leave shot, but I kept following you with the camera, and you were like, well, don't follow me, because now I haven't got any lines left, and now you're just filming me crawling across a bed. I thought it'd be a really good idea if I was set up against the bottom of the bed. Yeah, that's right, yeah. And I was like... And then at the end, I'm going to crawl over the bed as if I'm going over the top. Oh, God. Also, like, I'm not sure it said in the script, like, go over the top. You were just like... Listen, man, I was so drunk.

6:30It was so funny. Because we were World War I, we're like, in World War I, every conversation ended with them going, let's go over the top. All right, there's the whistle. Anyway, see you later. and over the top we go like every every 12 minutes over the top anyway I do remember that that was no I just remembered it because we were talking about the dominoes thing where we got the dominoes and that used to be a bit of a tradition it was the bloody hell there was always football on whenever we whenever we were making the in-betweeners it was always like Champions League or something like that and we'd all decide to meet in one of our rooms and we'd all order a pizza and just sit on a bed, like cross-legged, and eat pizza together.

7:11It was great. But I do remember Blake used to get annoyed whenever I'd have dominoes because, well, you all would. I don't know why I've just singled out Blake. But Blake was the most vocal about it. It did sort of play havoc with me belly. Oh, God. I mean, the set sometimes was just like, because to be fair, I feel like you were the worst. I mean, but like, there were times all through the day, the next day it'd be like... And like, you couldn't really come on, like, crew would come onto the set and be like... When we were in the common room, which was a great big massive room, and there was people at the other side of the room going, Jesus.

7:55Yeah, people at the pool table, back of shot, they were getting it. But Blake used to go like, oh no, you haven't had the dominoes, have you? oh i remember blake used to say that yeah i did that i did get a domino's oh god i ordered the domino's last night um oh god and then obviously in the car i used to the car i was quite bad in the car wasn't i the car but i do think that that those little things do end up being in the show sometimes because i think that's where that because there's a scene with us and hannah in the car oh yeah and blake neil is farting yeah he's gonna oh sorry there's the hash brown.

8:34Sorry, it was the McDonald's breakfast at this point. Yeah. And I think that's where that stuff comes from. Yeah, I think, yeah, I think stuff found its way. There's a very thin membrane between things that were just said and the script of the Inbetweeners. Oh, man. But yeah, no, anyway, I just thought you'd enjoy that after our Bond audition. Oh, yeah. So we've got a we've got a track record. Yeah, man. Joe and James, fight up. We do need to talk about our fact, we've been told. Yeah, okay. I believe it's you first, Joe. It's time for you to give me a fact. Right. Just quickly, the day that this podcast goes out, the transmission date of this podcast is the 14th of October, which, as we all know, is the day.

9:21It's the anniversary of, and everyone's saying it, listening, of course, the Battle of Hastings. Yeah, we all knew it was coming. Yeah. 14th of October 1066. What are you doing for it this year? Oh. Oh God, I've still got so many presents to buy. I've got ideas. Oh, I've got to know. What am I going to get? Oh my God, my dad's hard to buy for and back for Hastings Day. I'm going, I'll be going. I can't get another sword. Are we going door to door singing songs of people? Yeah. Talking in like middle English. I've got a little eye patch. I've got a little eye patch. I've got a little eye patch with an arrow sticking out of it.

10:01Yeah, that's good. The kids love it. I'll tell you what. Do you know what? To be honest, Joan, I don't want to be a bit of a downer. I could take or leave Battle of Hastings Day, but it's for the kids, really, isn't it? It's for the kids, isn't it? I know that's the thing. They can't get enough of it. I know. And obviously, it's just, it feels like it's a day for retail now, though, doesn't it? It's gotten very commercial. I went into a shop. This won't work because we're saying it's today. The joke would be, they already had all the Battle of Hastings stuff up. They had it a month ago. I know, it's insane.

10:34I know, it's like as soon as summer's over, they're like, get the Battle of Hastings stuff up. I saw people, because they do all the Battle of Hastings sales, didn't they? Yeah, yeah. People trampling over each other. It is disgusting. Yeah, yeah, it's ridiculous. It makes me feel really ashamed of society. But Battle of Hastings. And they start the post-Battle of Hastings sales before the Battle of Hastings now. I know, yeah, these days. It's ridiculous. I know, yeah. I mean, the 15th of October, I don't leave the house. I don't go down the high street. Yeah. I love that part of the year though, don't you?

11:04With all the stress. It's like you've done the big dinner, you've done, and then you're like, you know what? It's just two or three days, you know, when the family's finally left. Yeah, 15th October, you'll see me on the couch. Yeah, I'll be there, yes. Watching a classic Battle of Hastings film. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And just thinking, oh, that's it for another year. The only annoying thing, Joe, is that, obviously we're recording this ahead of time. Yeah, yeah. the actual day of the Battle of Hastings. I want to know who's going to be Battle of Hastings number one. I know, I know. Absolutely.

11:35Yeah, absolutely. I know it was, yeah, it was Mr. Blobby one year, wasn't it? It was. Hopefully it'll be a genuine, you know, not just something that's been, you know, not just Cliff Richard or something. I think it was so solid crew a few years ago. Yeah, you never know. You never know. But yes, no, of course. It's worth Googling, actually. Battle of Hastings number one, you'll be surprised. It's one of the biggest days of the year, the 14th of October. It's a big day. So we have, we've got some Battle of Hastings facts that we're going to present to each other. Joe, you were up first this week.

12:08Well, it didn't take place in Hastings. There's a town called Battle. Oh, you're one of those, are you? No, I'm just saying. You're one of those. It's Battle of Hastings Day and you go, it didn't even take place in Hastings. It wasn't even on this date. It was in Easter. Well, it took place in battle and, yeah. And who's from battle? Keen are the band Keen. The band Keen are from battle. They're from battle. So the Battle of Hastings wasn't in Hastings. It was in a town called Battle. Is the town called Battle named after the Battle of Hastings? Yeah. That didn't take place in Hastings? I think so, yeah.

12:49Is battle near Hastings? Yeah, it's quite near. Right. It's still in the phrase, isn't it? The Battle of Hastings. Yeah. How far away? It's like a town called Oz. How far away is Battle from Hastings? That's a good fact, though, Joe. Yeah, thank you very much. I know I was being silly and stuff. No, no, it's all right. And also, I just, you know, I think interesting that Keena from there. I don't know. I've never... Have you been to Hastings? Yes. I had a caravan holiday there when I was a kid. Loved it. It's nice. It's a good old... Cobbly beach, though, if I remember rightly. Yeah, you kind of want sand, ideally.

13:24I might be misremembering if the people of Hastings are listening to this and going, no, we don't. We haven't got a Sandy Beach. I have... Well, it could have been a minute. I'm going back to when I was like seven. Yeah. You're saying that it might have eroded Chinter Sand. It might have done. It might have done. I'm going back a few years. It's probably Sandy now. Yeah, it would be. Yeah. Yeah. Imagine that. It's an 18-minute drive. Yeah. And also, I think we would say that in terms of, that's a long way in 1066. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if Harold had said, don't worry, it's an 18-minute drive, they would have said, do you reckon that was the problem?

14:07Harold turned up at Hastings. Harold went to the wrong... Because he read the flyer and it said Battle of Hastings. It said Battle of Hastings. And so it was like, better set off to Hastings, because he'd just come from up north, hadn't he? It was probably one of those... What was he doing up north? Was it Vikings or something like that? He was fighting Harold Hardrada. I did this in junior school. Yeah. And, yeah, the... Because he wasn't that secure, was he? His place wasn't that secure, Harold. And that's where William the Bastard came in. Because a lot of the noblemen and stuff were like, yeah, you've got like a very loose claim, but come on over, we'll support you.

14:44Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Keane released their single, This Is The Last Time, on Battle of Hastings Eve. Yeah. So they were trying to get Battle of Hastings number one. They were. Absolutely were. I see you, Keane. You make out like you don't care about Battle of Hastings number one. Why are you bringing it out in Battle of Hastings E? Okay, right. So, Joe, your fact is that spiders dream. Yes. Is that what it is? Yeah. Yes, they dream. And what was your dream that you woke up laughing? Okay, so my dream when I woke up laughing was that - It's the funniest dream. Joe has billed this as the funniest dream I've billed this as the funniest dream ever no pressure yeah so this was my dream I oh god I feel like I'm going to fuck out now so I partly wanted to do dreams because this is the funniest dream I've ever had so I was watching a sort of film like an American film and it was American jeeps or tanks driving through the desert to meet Osama bin Laden.

15:50Right. And first of all, I remember thinking - It's not funny so far. No, first of all, I remember thinking

16:01that they've shot this really badly. Right. Because I could tell that they were micro-machines. Right. And at one point, a fly crawled over it and it was the same size as the Jeep. Right. So I was like, that's funny. I should have cut that out. Then the Americans got to the cave. Right. And Osama bin Laden was in there. Right. And he was really, really rude to them. And the way he was rude is at one point he deliberately sneezed in their faces. Right. And they had all this snot down there. Do you know what, man? If this was real, that's probably one of the worst things Osama bin Laden has ever done.

16:43Yeah, I know, I know. that, that, not that. You've gone too far now. Right, you've fucking had it now. Don't sneeze in our faces. Osama bin Laden. Sneeze on America. Osama bin Laden was wearing a set of beautiful silk pyjamas. Right. All covered over with little emblems, which if you looked closely was a very, very beautiful, bright green octopus creature. Was there more than one? Yeah, so it was like lots of little, so all over, like that was the pattern. So like the equivalent of polka dots, but they were actually tiny little bright green octopi. Right. And he was also holding in his hands a full-size version of whatever this creature was, this beautiful green octopus.

17:50He's obsessed with this octopus. He's obsessed with this octopus. So he's stroking it like Dr. Nine. He's stroking it like Dr. Nine. Like Dr. Nine. Yeah, right. And then the Americans left the cave. Yeah. And they were so freaked out by what had happened. Yeah. that they realised that they'd forgotten to ask him anything at all. They hadn't even asked him any questions. They didn't say what was that all about. So they went out, because I think they were supposed to be like, I don't know, negotiating with them or something. They left and they were like, we didn't ask him anything. Yeah. And then a voiceover.

18:25He was just playing mind game. Yeah, yeah. And then a voiceover came on in the dream and it went, And so Osama returned to his lair, cradling the gorgeous pilanthriform.

18:42And pilanthriform was the name of the octopus. And it just made it up. And I was like, oh, the octopus was called pilanthriform. Can I just say that? And I woke up laughing. I was like, that is mental. and can I just say when I first said I've got to do a podcast with Joe because he's insane right he has taken us a little while it's taken us eight episodes to get to this we've got to the nub of it now right but I did love it it was I just said it had a name and the name was and the name of the octopus was Palanthroform and that's why he had him all over his pyjamas

19:24because he loved him and he had his own stuff made and that was he was all over his pyjamas that's brilliant it's a funny dream it was a funny dream it was a funny dream it was funny do you know what Joe like when you first said I had a dream about someone being loud and I was like I'm not sure I'm not sure how funny that is but you're right yeah it's fucking hilarious I don't see so yeah that was that's the Palance Reform dream brilliant that was that's the best thing I've ever done listen that's merch there isn't it Philandreform Like a little green octopus Was it green? It was green wasn't it?

20:00What was it? Emerald Emerald green Emerald green We need to get some emerald green Emerald green octopus But beautiful Gorgeous Gorgeous Gorgeous We need to make some pyjamas Make some pyjamas Philandreform pyjamas So anyway As seen on Osama Bin Laden As seen on Osama Bin Laden As seen on Yeah Yeah Clothes Model's own Yeah

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21:14And if nobody picks up, that call goes to your competitor. That's why over 90 ,000 companies choose Quo, The business phone built for busy teams. Smart call routing sends calls to the right person. Shared numbers let your team cover for each other. And an AI agent picks up when nobody can, capturing every lead, so nothing falls through the cracks. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20 % off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash tech. That's Q-U-O dot com slash tech. This week on Hellpice, sexed my boss. And after taking a shower, I used some spray deodorant that belonged to his mother from the cupboard.

21:57He took a big sniff of me and says, mmm, smells like sex. Catch your personal question. Yes. Your balls ever just float back up? What? Burnley playing Millwall. I've got all my brothers coming down and out of here at Millwall. Yeah, I can't go. I'm going to a matinee of pride at the musical. Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.

22:24I mean, I just turned 38. Yeah. And I feel like I'm moving into a different phase of my life now where you will just wake up and your knee's fucked for no reason at all whatsoever. It's the same with my skin. Like I woke up quite just brilliantly because the universe hates me. I woke up quite spotty this morning so I popped a couple of spots and they will just be like I've got like a spot on my cheek like that's been there for about a month no I know they get they're deep aren't they I had one where I'm like can you just fucking shit or get off the pot like come to the surface if you're gooder right or fuck off and that is what I've said but also like what's the rules am I getting old because or am I still a teenager I know one or the other one or the other I still can't grow a beard.

23:17I'll never be able to grow a beard. Tell you what. I know this because of my dad. I'll never be able to grow a beard because he can't. I mean, he's not going to have a nail. I can tell. Yeah, but you can grow a goatee. It goes straight to goatee. Yeah. That's quite good. Is it? Yeah. So if you look at people like Dave Grohl, Johnny Depp, they don't have like the strong beard. The thing I feel about them is that they are also, you know, Dave Grohl or Johnny Depp. Whereas for me, it's just, who's that? Dave Grohl, Johnny Depp, Joe Thomas. Yeah, that's the same category. Yeah. It's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

23:56Well, okay, well, maybe I'll grow it over the course of the series. Do it, man. Would you like that? Yeah. You've got a strong moustache. I do sometimes do odd things. Like I did a show once where I had to give a lecture about hair. Right. It was a comedy show. Sounds hilarious. Carry on. I'll tell you what, you should have... I can't believe it. Joe, I'm going to be honest with you, I can't believe I haven't heard of it. I'll tell you what, well, I don't know how they did anymore, but, you know, it certainly got a good response in the day. And, you know, above all, I enjoyed it. Do you know what that is?

24:33That is a subject that's not been mined enough in comedy is hair. Yeah. I mean, you could do a whole 90-minute stand-up on different hair, different types of hair. Yeah, tried. Tried to. It didn't, it was not as much as you think. Really? No. Really, John? Basically, I didn't have a choice about the hair. Right. They said you have to do the history of hair. Okay. I think, actually, they gave me a choice of topics. I said, that's the best one. Wow. And then during it, I was kind of like. What was the show called? Tell us what the show was called. Comedians Giving Lectures. I think I might have been the second series, actually.

25:08Katie's nodding. My manager's nodding. Yeah. However, she's really, really nice and polite. And I feel like she might just be nodding to make you feel better. she's look it's fine i i don't mind no that's what i want no she's saying no i have her what i want from my life is people nodding to make me feel bad that's i don't that doesn't need to be i don't mind pity no i don't know i've got no if i if this is fine if i had a problem with pity yeah i would have never have lost my virginity yeah yeah no i mean i know i have no problem at all absolutely not with no any of that no absolutely not i like pity i like being pitied so what was this thing about hair Joe basically so I was I was sort of I was kind of riffing in the speech about how it was a bit of a bad topic and I was like I don't even know how to I don't know what to do so you incorporated that into the act I incorporated that into the act yeah sort of saying you'll notice that none of you audience members are enjoying this that's basically what we're doing now yeah it is listen to you what it's a good trick getting pity it's a good trick pity laughs I'll take pity laughs pity sex whatever yeah I mean it's all fine and all of it's fine all of it's fine and anyway so I was kind of I'm always sitting in the out saying it's not a very good topic and I don't I don't even think the producers think it's a good topic hair because one of the things they've asked me to do or no one of the things they suggested I could do is I could shave like a monk's tonsure into the back of my head you know how monks have the bald patch like a Zedan yeah I was sort of saying, you know, do you know what the producers suggested to me?

26:47They suggested I could shave a bald patch into the back of my head. As if I'm going to do that. As if I'm going to do that. And then as I was writing the speech, I was like, it'd be funny if at the end of the speech I had done it. Yeah. That's a big commitment. And then I did do it. How much? Honestly, I did do it. And it looked, it was much, much, much, much worse than I thought it was going to be. Oh, you did it? I did it. Right, hang on a minute. I did it. No, I did it. Honestly. And I had quite long, like longer than now, like quite long floppy hair. Yeah. And honestly, like the, the, the makeup artist who was doing it was like, I don't want to do it.

27:20Like, do you really, it was like, she was going to, she didn't want to do it, but she was like, I was like, honestly, do it. It's fine. It'd be funny. I've got really, I've got really fast growing hair. What does that mean? I don't, I just thought I, because I, that was based on like, I kind of, I seem to have to go to the hairdressers all the time. I know, but... Whenever I go to the hairdressers, it seems like, oh God, I feel like I was just here. Yeah, a haircut doesn't last long. However, if you get a little mugs, bald-faced cut into your hair, that takes a while. That cut's going to last.

27:52It does, absolutely. And Hannah wouldn't let me, because I was like, look, what I'll do, I think almost to myself, I had in my back pocket the plan, if it looks mental, which it fucking did, I'll just shave it all off. I'll just be you can I'll just have a skinhead yeah yeah got home Hannah was like you are not having a skinhead because she I'll tell you why because she said it will look stupid of course don't want to put me there then I've got a couple of questions imagine if I looked stupid it was honestly I'd run my hand through my head and I'd be like oh god it was like I'd had a lobotomy genuinely I was like it was like if you'd had you'd had an operation had an operation you know if you have an operation yeah yeah and I had to it was really if I was to have an operation on my head right and they had to sort of go in, I would say just shave it all.

28:39Of course. I don't want just like a circle. I don't want to change because the circle's mental. It's all right, we've not shaved everything. I know, I know. First of all, if I'm having an operation on my head, I'm not worried. Secondly, just shave it all off. Yeah, yeah. It's much, much worse than just having it all shaved off. I know what you mean, right? Because I've always subscribed to the thought or the belief, I suppose, that I've made up myself. If you're trying to be funny, if you're trying to make people laugh, then if you look funny, you're already like halfway there. Totally agree. Which is why I had all that bleaching done to my hair during the in-between.

29:24Absolutely. Then I had a moustache for white gold and stuff. Like I've never had a problem with looking like an idiot. It's always what I've always said about my body as well. It's like, I could lose weight, but I just wouldn't be funny then. Or, you know, I could, you know, like, you don't want to, there's nothing funny about a bloke with a six pack. I just think it's not, and that's why I could have it. That's what I'm saying. Like I could, it'd be easy for me. You remember Theo, Theo James? Yeah. From the first Inbetweeners film. He's the villain, right? He's too handsome. Right. But the thing is, right, he's, I've not, I've not spoken to him since we did that film or whatever.

30:02Well, he's, you know, massive. I can't get near him now. I couldn't get. Won't answer his phone. After everything. They're chucking him in the Bond ring and everything. Yeah. You know. He's from the in-betweeners. Yeah. You know. But he, you know, he'd give me an audition at least for. Unbelievably handsome, right? Wasn't he? Like unbelievably handsome. He is. Yeah. Fit little body on the guy as well. I don't want to objectify, but. No. I think sometimes you have to. Mamma Mia. Yeah. Right. right but then also i was like oh i get it you're a good look you're a good looking guy and then also was you know you'd spend a bit of time with him yeah also a nice guy nice so he's good looking and he's a nice guy yeah then when he was like delivering lines and stuff like that and he was being quite funny i was like right we've got that you've got to fucking stop there mate yeah you cannot be don't come into our but you can't be that handsome that nice and also quite funny as well.

30:57No, I totally... Right? You're one or the other. Absolutely. I had to become funny because I was such an odd-looking man. I hope he gets Bond. He's one of us, isn't he? He's one of our own. It'd be great. It'd be, you know... I mean, he doesn't answer my calls or anything, sure, but I do hope he gets Bond. Yeah, yeah. And he's great in that, in The Gentleman on Netflix, the TV show. I haven't seen that, but I have seen him in White Lotus where he's very good. Also, he can do an American accent. So, well done. Do you know what, right? If he wasn't such a great guy, I'd fucking hate that dickhead.

31:31We did talk about Theo James last week and we heard... They might be true or false. James from somewhere, possibly a dream, me from James, that Theo James had got a Bond audition. That now is locked in as fact. And it annoyed us because we're jealous. Because he's got too many things going. He shouldn't be allowed to be handsome and nice and funny. We touched on that last week. And talented. He's a good actor as well. And he's good actor as well. And talented, of course. Do you know what, Ryan? I bet he's good at football. I bet he is. I bet he's good at football as well. I bet it seems like he's got loads of time on the ball.

32:14Do you know what I mean? That's always the thing that I think... I don't get enough of the time. I don't get any time on the pitch. It's now got to the point where I can tell that people who I used to turn up for when they're a man short. Now I sometimes offer myself when they're like, yeah, yeah. Just waiting on a couple of those. But yeah, maybe definitely. Yeah. Yeah, maybe definitely. I mean, it's just like five-a-side teams. Yeah. I'm now getting the point where I'm turned down for a man's five-a-side team in London. Yeah. They'll take anyone. They'll take a duck or something, but they won't take me.

32:46And you're standing there on the sidelines going, I still go, yeah. You haven't got enough players on the pitch. I know. Oh, yeah, no, don't you. And I try and get on. I try and come on. and I get him off and they call the police and I'm naked and I've you know and I've just written on my chest please yeah well this is an opportunity for us right yeah where I thought maybe okay maybe we could do a little bond audition right now good idea maybe just a line or two just a line or two just down the camera or something where we can yeah yeah Just throw a hat in the ring. Yeah. We've not been considered yet for Bonds, have we, the pair of us?

33:28No, and it's because they've got a very, very cliched idea of what, like, a secret service agent should be. Yeah. Oh, it needs to be somebody who doesn't panic. Yeah. Whereas, really, if you did, you know, intelligence, counterintelligence and all that sort of stuff, they're little nerds. They are little nerds. So if you wanted to make Bond gritty and realistic, which I think is like, you know, cause we don't want like a sexist bond anymore and we don't know. We need him realistic, a bond for now, a bond for this day and age. Who's a little computer nerd. I mean, I, I, I completely agree. And I think a bond is not afraid to fail as well.

34:09That's why I'd, you know, people would be like, I could see him, you know, really fucking it up. Yeah. And actually ending up just needing a lot of therapy. Yeah. But I think that that would be something that modern men could actually, you know, benefit from, you know, we don't have to be, you don't have to be good at anything. No, of course. Yeah. So do you reckon I could just do my little, my bond audition right now? I reckon, I think so. I think so. I think you should do a little bond audition. Right. I've had a little tussle with some geezer in a bathroom, right? Right. Yeah. All right.

34:47I've thrown him in the bath. Yeah. He's always just getting out of the bath or the shower is Bond. He is, yeah. And he ends up having a fight. Yeah. And then he uses his towel in some kind of deadly way. Yeah. So I've done all that. Yeah. Thrown the bloke in the bath. I've chucked something electrical in the bath. Yeah. Right? He's fried. And I just look to the camera and I go, absolutely shocking. Perfect. You're in. That is a Bond line. That is from Bond. And yeah, I think that's, well, he's a lot about puns. isn't it, Bond? It's more about like... What's the one where Conor... And there's no one to hear it.

35:22The bloke's dead. There's no one else there. He's just doing it for himself. He should do it for himself. Psychopathic. Yeah. He should be on social media, shouldn't he? He should be able to be like... He should take a picture of it. Then absolutely shocking. Oh, he should be on TikTok. He should find some bloke in the bath. He's electrocuted. He'd have gone, absolutely shocking. And he's fighting him with one arm. Yeah. Yeah. You're not going to bother after that. Do you want to... You don't have to, but... I'm going to try... things I grew up with, the Pierce Brosnan bond. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I thought he was pretty good, actually.

35:50He was great. Yeah. Great bond. Just so you know, Pierce, I thought you were pretty good. Pierce, I thought you were brilliant. So, and he was more of a kind of metrosexual kind of, he was a little, had a slightly more feminine energy, I think. I quite, he wasn't - I've got a theory about bonds, right? You're either Roger Moore or Sean Connery. Daniel Craig, serious guy. Yeah. Serious. And I think what the world needs right now, yeah he's a little roger moore type bond yeah i agree little sort of wisecracky sort of um yeah yeah just a bit more suave a bit more makes a joke yeah absolutely well let's just say so this so i record there's a line i liked in um uh well i'm gonna say i can't remember go on i might remember for you which one is it what's the first pierce boseman one the first pierce boseman is golden eye yeah what's the second pierce boseman one second pierce boseman tomorrow never dies is it tomorrow never dies yeah i think it is yeah and he's about to be and then it's the world is not enough that's right right i like the bit where he's going um there's a guy who's kind of a sort of he's a kind of media baron yeah and he's going to start a war absolutely just so he can report it go with the glasses yeah that's right yeah that's right it's a long he's playing the long game yeah and i remember he's got a big screen and he's writing tomorrow's news and he's going yeah on a little and actually that that just looks incredibly difficult he's like just get a keyboard.

37:15I don't like those things in movies. I don't like all those computers that surround you, where it's like, bring it up. They're just sort of like bringing stuff to them and like swiping it away and stuff like that. I know. Yeah. I often feel, I feel like I see, I often, I literally see even on sports programs where they're like, let's just get the clip up. I know the one you've just I don't need to see what also you can see it's like watching your dad trying to Google something you can see that they've just drawn around players on like an iPad it's like these players here like yeah yeah anyway so he's doing that and he says that that they're about to be tortured right and Pierce Brosnan says I'd have thought watching your TV shows was torture enough and actually it's so funny the guy actually goes Fuck you.

38:08Right, yeah. It's good. So that's what, that's my audition. That's good. That is really good. Good luck, Theo. Joey and James, fight up.

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40:01You can listen wherever you get your podcasts. You just need to search Big Kick Energy. Grab a knife and fork and tuck in, baby.

40:10I've been working with Spencer Millman. I've also been working with Anthony, Tony. Anthony Wilcox. Wilcox. That's his surname, isn't it? Anthony Cox. Anthony Wilcox. Is it Wilcox? Coxie. Old Coxie. Old Big Cox. Well, the big dangling cock. Big veiny Cox. Yeah. Yeah. No, I've been working with him. Because I play football with him. You play football with him. He's the goalkeeper on our team. He told me a little thing about you, Joe. Oh, yeah, go on. He gave me a little story about you. Yeah, go on. And I was going, he's mental. He's fucking insane. I need to have a word with Joe. Right. I need to talk to him.

40:47Right. So apparently you're on the same team as him, right? Yeah, I am, yeah. And there's another team that's a bit of a rival of you guys. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I do. I don't know what this story is. Yeah. Is it okay to talk about this? Yeah, you can draw one. Yeah, yeah. Because it is insane. It is quite funny, yeah. Right. So Joe plays football for a team. What is it, a five-a-side team? Yeah. And you guys have got like a rival team or something. You play each other a couple of times a year. Yeah, yeah. And usually what happens, because you're a big shot, you're a big-time star, you're on the in-betweeners.

41:19Yeah. Usually what happens after the game is people will ask if they can have a picture with you. They can have. And you're always... I'm always obliged. You're always more than happy to do that. one guy asked for a picture with you had a picture with you and then just started getting chatting to you yeah and then he said we should go for a drink sometime yeah and you said yes yeah right yeah so then a little bit later so you exchanged phone numbers then is that what happened um yeah we did exchange phone numbers then yeah so then a little bit later he said to you I'm going for a drink tonight do you want to meet me at this pub we'll have a couple of pints it'll be a good laugh yeah and you were like like, yep, sure, I'll be there.

41:58And you turned up to the pub and he was there with a date. Yeah, it's true, yeah. And basically what I've pieced together is that some bloke who you've just met, a fan, some fan that you've just met, you've gone, let's go for a pint together. Yeah. And he's arranged a date and tried to impress this girl by saying, I know Joe Thomas from The Inbetweeners. in fact I can get him to turn up tonight if you like and she's gone go on then and you've turned up on a date to try because this bloke's trying to impress a girl right is that what happens it is true hang on it gets worse though doesn't it yeah it does get worse right so after that situation you go if I was you Joe you go maybe I shouldn't just give my number out to fans of the in-betweeners right and god bless them we love them don't we we can't anyone that loves the in-betweeners and I talk to people off the street very much at all I spend a lot of time talking to people about the in-betweeners having pictures with people every day of my life I've got no problem at all with it I don't I probably I'm not and I don't think they'd expect this from me no they wouldn't I'm not gonna meet up for a pint with you right no and also I suppose it's not even just meeting up for a pint it was the fact that to some extent I was the third wheel absolutely yeah you turned up on this guy's date Yeah.

43:25But it's to make him look good, right? It's to impress a girl. Yeah, I didn't realise this. So you learn a lesson there, don't you? You can do it. You can do, can't you? You can do, yeah. You can even learn a lesson. Yeah. Or you can do the exact same thing a couple of weeks later. Yeah. Yeah, I know. And also... Stop turning up to this bloke's dates. I know. And also, it was always a different girl. I know. So it was different. Yeah. He was putting it about trying to impress all these girls. saying I know Simon from the Inbetweeners. In fact, I'll get him to turn up to this date. And he's done it once before.

44:03I wonder if I'll get him to do it again. And you fucking did. I know. It took several... Do you still talk to this guy? No. No, that's the right answer. Don't say no as if that's a bad thing. No, that's the right answer. Listen, my... It was quite... You're going to defend this guy now, aren't you? I'm not going to defend him. I just... You've got Stockholm Syndrome sometimes. I do think these are funny evenings because, like, we... Were you doing it for the crack? No, no, I mean, to some extent, peculiar evenings because we would all, like, have drinks together, but then I would just go home, and then sometimes they would go to, like, the theatre or something, or they'd go on and do something else.

44:54So it was like I was the first bit, but then he was like, it was almost like he was like, I'll book something else as well. So it won't just be Joe. I'll have a backup. Right, of course. So you're there early in the evening to get the date all nice and impressed. Yeah, that's it. And then he goes, thanks for that, Joe. I'll see you later. We're off to the theatre now. I think the most embarrassing thing is that it did take like a number of occasions for me to really realise what was going on.

45:32See, this is why I worry about you, Joe. Yeah. Because you're a people pleaser. I am a people pleaser. You don't like upsetting people. No, I don't. Someone says to you, oh, I really love the in-betweeners. You're so good in that show. Would you like to go for a pint sometime? Sometimes. You go, yes, here's my number. You've got to stop doing that. Right? Just for security as well. Like, I don't want to... Yeah, yeah. Just as your mate, right? Stop giving your number out. Don't get me wrong. I'm sure he was a nice guy. He was a nice guy. But he's taken advantage of you there. He's taken advantage of your good nature.

46:09He probably was a little bit, yeah. All right. A little bit. But I suppose... Like, it was... I mean, I... Go on. In a way, you're like, you know, I'm slightly flattered that I was considered like part of the entertainment. And then the theatre, it was like Joe and a show. Joe and a show.

46:34So that's just a classic. Do you reckon he's on Tinder? Do you reckon he's on Tinder going, fancy Joe and a show tonight, babe? Is it like, yeah. Yeah, it's Netflix and chill, isn't it? Yeah. Joe on a show yeah yeah

46:56no this actually this is true and yeah it just I'm off I wasn't it took me a long time genuinely to clock on to the other element of the evening I'll tell you something about you Joe and I love you and you're one of my favourite people in the world you're very very intelligent you're an intelligent guy well you not got sunshine street smarts I think that's true you not got those at all whatsoever no I don't no no and then you end up in those situations next time can you just talk to me first yeah can you just go oh some fan of the in between I've just played football against him he wants to go for a pint should I do it or not and I go do you know what mate leave it yeah yeah what happened when you turned up like do you literally get up a pint and sit down with the two of them yeah it was me and this and this dad basically yeah well dates weren't there dates it was yeah Yeah, it was...

47:51Because you had a different girl, like, a couple of weeks after it happened the first time. Yeah. I can't believe you went back. Yeah, yeah. I know. What did you say to Hannah? Oh. I've got to go. I'm off out tonight. Hannah was... I mean, Hannah would have been like... She's a lot more sensible than me. Yeah. She would have been like... Probably what would have happened is that I just wouldn't have mentioned to begin with. Sure. like so we've taken maybe a couple of times and then hannah would have said what actually happens yeah and i would have said well it's just your normal evening you know me him and the woman and then she would have been like sorry yeah what was you mean and i said well no he just always brings you yeah but your whole thing your whole thing is when i said yes now i know i'm really bad i've heard so many times where you've said that yeah i've gone to you don't why are you doing that Don't do that.

48:46And you go, well, I told them I would. I know. I go, well, so you can't. Sometimes in life it seems as though. You're a man of your word. You've got to respect that. I'm like George Washington. You are. Cannot tell a lie. Did I give the WhatsApp number, Lily Mae? I think you did, but I don't know if you can give the socials. I'll just go. I'll do the WhatsApp number one more time. 07 822 034 330. Our socials are also Joe and James Pod. at Joe and James pod although you're pushing back against the app aren't you you want to see it but I think you're a bit early to remove it entirely because it's still we use our news networks the app for me feels like if someone said to me oh check out my website it's www.

49:29right don't worry about the www the longest letter as well www yeah yeah it's so long yeah worldwide web worldwide web I think worldwide web is quicker than www it genuinely is don't even get me started on fucking acronyms genuinely if you use an acronym to me that isn't fucking obvious and i mean like bbc level obvious yeah the the use of acronyms when you know full well the person you're talking to doesn't know the acronym are you having a go at amy from last episode oh yeah what fuck no that's great no she explained it no i'm not gonna go no no i'm talking about like if you ring up somebody's supposed to help you and they go like um um that's all prs now mate and you're like you know i don't know what that means.

50:13PRS, that's a guitar make, isn't it? Well, I don't know. But what I mean is, also every acronym is everything because there's not that many letters. So every acronym is actually the acronym of like 25 different organisations. Just don't use them. Don't use them. It never saves time because you have to explain what they mean anyway. I used to do, and I might bring it back. I don't know. Depends how I feel. I'm allowed to do whatever I want. You can do whatever you want. But I used to make a lot of, that's a rule. I used to make a lot of video game content on YouTube. Yeah. and to lean in to the in-betweeners and why people would know me that sort of thing and video games yeah i called my channel complete it mate yeah and so for all my sort of like my xbox account and my playstation account and all these things like if you you know if you're if you're playing a game online yeah and you see someone's you can see their avatar their tag their Handle, isn't it?

51:06Yeah, their handle, right? That's what they put it, isn't it? Mine was CIM Buckley, right? And after a little while of doing this, someone pointed out to me that CIM is a sort of shorthand. Apparently, you can look at porn or something on the internet. I wouldn't know. No, no. Right? But apparently, you can, right? And CIM just means come in mouth. so so and I and I'd like like all my accounts were all CIM Buckley and he was like well like that's it now and you and that's so good and I think it's only until recently because of like security issues and like and because of like how much time do you need to save if you're looking at porn and I haven't got time CIM CIM CIM now CIM now because you get straight home from work you're just off the train and stuff and you just get straight on and you go, see I am.

52:04Efficiency. Oh, that's good. Right. It's really going in the mouth there. Oh, God almighty. Straight in the mouth, please. I mean. But yeah, you do have to be, you do have to be careful with the old acronyms. Come in mouth buckly. Well, that's lovely. I went to Iceland recently. Yeah. Never been. I'd love to go to Iceland. Well, let me tell you about this. I went there and I am, it was, it was amazing. And like the, and I was the first night I was I was really really tired I didn't really know what was going on any point so basically we I've travelled with one other woman and I thought she was she was one of the actors in it so you were there for work I was there for work right yeah and I met her at the airport and she was saying she was sort of saying oh we haven't got a script through yet and I was like oh I guess we'll just have to we'll have to find stuff she was like yeah I suppose so and then on the plane she was like oh you know i think you've got a costume fitting when we're there and i was kind of going oh fuck it's a fucking costume yeah like at 8 p.m and she was like well you're you're first and i was like oh no well you can you can go first if you want and she was like didn't really say anything right and then we got there and it turned out she wasn't one of the actors she she was costume so like i so i went so like so i didn't so i didn't i was i didn't really know what was going i was tired and then i was i did the costume fitting did you You're just like, oh, shit.

53:29I was like, oh, fucking costume. Why have we got... And that was her. And then I went up to my hotel room, went into the bathroom, shut the door. And then I thought of something that I wanted to write down on my phone. And I thought, I'll just go get my phone. And just door didn't open. And I was like, that's weird. So I kind of didn't, I didn't sort of panic. I like went to the toilet and then I had a shower and I was like it'll probably be open now I don't know why

54:08and it was a sliding door yeah you know those sliding doors where it has not much of a grip on the handle and I was like that's just not a fucking opening yeah and I was honestly like well this is a fucking disaster I don't I haven't got my phone and what But my plan was, I was like, I'm going to have to sleep in the bathroom. I have to sleep here on the bath mat and maybe get the shower curtain or something as a thing. And I was like, and part of my brain was going, you just need to shout help at the top of your voice. And I was like, I'm not fucking, I'm British. I'm not doing that. I just think no one would hear you.

54:47No one would hear me. And so basically what I had to do, after a while I was like, I've got to fucking get out of it. and basically I... There's no window. No windows. I've got you in the palm of my hand. Oh my God. There's no window. So you got to the point where I was like, I'm just going to have to kind of bust out. Yeah. So I got the door and I basically just pushed with all my might and I got my feet and I just pushed back. And basically the whole door frame came away. Wow. And then I was really kind of worked up and panicked. And then I was just going down. I was like, I better go and tell someone from production.

55:25I was just going down there. But I was so kind of adrenalised. I was just telling everyone. I was like, I've just come out of my, I've just broken out of my hotel room. I've just, I was locked in my bathroom. I had to come out. And it was like people I didn't need to tell. People who didn't need to be told about it. Like people in the loop. I was like, I've just been locked in my bathroom. I had to break out. And then I got, and then eventually I told the producer. He was like, well, don't worry about it. And then I said, I've had to break the lock to get out. But I think he didn't quite realise.

55:50it looked like I'd trashed the hotel room. Like it looked like there were bits of timber just in the room that I'd just broken off the door because I had to get out. It was, yeah, it was just there for the whole time. So it just looked like I'd trashed my, it looked like I'd trashed my room. You are pretty rock and roll though, isn't it? I'm pretty rock and roll. But it was weird, it was really, but then Hannah pointed out, so you said you're going to sleep in the room. So what were you going to do in the morning? And I was like, well, I'll get out then. She was like, what do you mean? We'll still be logged.

56:19and I was like oh yeah that will be I was like well it'll be unlocked in the morning yeah it'll work itself out it'll work itself out it'll unlock itself at some point I always think that it's like the way I thought the Covid lockdown was going to end on January the 1st because I was like well it's a new year yeah just start again I mean it's not going to go on for yeah it's fresh the disease won't go on beyond the 31st of December it's probably over now but it would be a good idea to just say January 1st it would definitely be over January the 1st Joe and James Facts Up!

57:15Valid through 1118. $25 minimum and loyalty membership acquired. Order eligible items by 2pm. Subject to weight and size restrictions and availability. Terms at lowes.com slash shipping terms. Hello, I'm Giovanna Fletcher. And I'm Marco Borcella. And this is Boots Off. We are friends who have spent a decade together, walking up mountains, across deserts and along coastlines with some seriously awesome groups of humans. And something happens when you're out there. Feet on the ground, surrounded by nature. the conversations just spill out of you. This series is about the adversities that lead to adventure the adventures that lead to adversity and how life can be one big adventure in itself.

57:55Listen every Thursday. Just search for Boots Off.