Men Don't Talk About Life Laundry

0:01Joe and James will be here in just a moment. And with filming for the Inbetweeners 3 underway, we're taking a trip down memory lane over on the Fact Up YouTube channel as the boys have been sharing some of their favourite Inbetweeners moments, from fake balls to plenty of on-set silliness. Head over to YouTube, search for Joe and James Fact Up and get caught up. 98 of the top 100 U.S. accounting firms trust Bill to simplify and secure Bill Pay. That's proven financial infrastructure built on over a trillion dollars of secure payments. Visit Bill.com slash proven for a special offer. Any conversation which is about like, oh, we're like, I'm a celebrity.

0:49Oh, I'm a celebrity. I think it's a shit conversation. I mean, I think celebrity is really a desert in terms of like actual meaningful content for conversation. There's nothing interesting to say about being the public eye at all. Everything good about life takes place in the private sphere of like family and friends. That's it. It certainly does, mate. That's it. But it's true. Your life doesn't gain any value whatsoever from becoming a celebrity. Nah. Nothing. Nothing. Nobody ever on their deathbed goes, oh, bring me some people who recognise me from telly. I might do that. I might do that. Bring me my family and friends.

1:28That's it. Your family and friends, that's it. Celebrity has nothing. If you're not famous, you've got family and friends. If you are famous, you've still only got your family and friends. That's it. Can we get a regular sponsor for a Joe rant? So I can say, that Joe rant was brought to you by Gillette or something like that. Yeah, I'll note that down. Like a sports... You know, like, if you ever watch American sports, everything's sponsored by something. Yeah, I would love that. Like the replay. This replay is brought to you by Solero. I don't know why I said Solero. They're nice Soleros. Yeah.

2:08Nice. What would you like Pun-Believable to be sponsored by? Wow. Oh, what could we get Pun-Believable sponsored by? It surely has to be a Pun-Believable name as well. It would have to be, and me and Claire talk about this kind of stuff a lot on our podcast, but it'd have to be like a shop that's called like Hairport or something like that. That's not part of the legal, is it? Curl Up and Die. Hairdressers call Curl Up and Die. Curl Up and Die. I remember I once was reading, I think it was Loaded Magazine when I was, I must have been about 15 or 16. I was reading Loaded Magazine, getting tips on, they did a section on hair products.

2:45Right. And I was reading it. That is in between, isn't it? Yeah. I was reading it. What would make girls like me? Yeah. And the answer is links. That's definitely true, right? That's definitely true. And if I just spray this, girls will like me. Yeah. Look at the advert. Look, she's come over. Absolutely. Oh, God, she did come over. Oh, God, I was worried I'd have to talk or something. But one of the things was, and I think about this often. I'm going back many, many years and this has stuck with me. And nowadays I think, and I'm like, you wouldn't be able to fucking say that. Have I told you about this before?

3:27I don't know. It was like, oh, use this product. If you don't want your hair to curl up like a baby on a bonfire.

3:39There's so many other things they could say. It's so unnecessary. Also, they wouldn't fucking curl up on a... What? It was like... What? If you don't want your hair to curl up like a baby on a bonfire, this is the product for you. You know what that is? They were worried that doing a feature about hair made them effeminate and not manly. You've got to keep it laddy, isn't it? And they were like, right, put in the worst thing you can think of. Got to keep it laddy. I used to buy lots of... when I was really little, when I was sort of like 9, 10, 11 I used to get like Smash Hits magazine and stuff like that and especially if Spice Girls were on the cover.

4:20I remember I had a little blow up Sporty Spice from I think it was Smash Hits magazine I got that. It was about this big.

4:33I wonder what happened to that. Bit worse for wear. I imagine sent back to the factory for yeah for maintenance oh god yeah no I mean but yeah no it was a whole yeah but it was the way it was written was so casually as well yeah if you don't want your hair to curl up like a baby on a bonfire then this is the product for you it was so weird those magazines because it was a mixture of like because I remember like was it like there was a few of them and it would be like pictures of women and then the other stuff was like, sort of like gore. Do you remember that? They'd be like, like I remember my mate showing me stuff in like lads mags where it was like, this bloke was mucking around with something in his garage.

5:19He got fired against the wall and here's the outline of his body. And my mate's like, look at that. And I'd be like, well. Well, there was a sort of subsection of lads mag, wasn't there? Yeah. Like Bizarre Magazine. Yeah, yeah. And it was like, oh, this guy held a firework for too long. Here's the picture of his blown up hand. His bloody stump. I'm like, how am I supposed to wank over that? Yeah. Jesus. You know, we managed it. We did. I got it done. Yeah. One manages. My mama didn't raise a quitter. No, no. I can't bother to turn the page. That'll do.

5:57I'm not like, obviously, I've had sex. All right. Twice. At least twice. Yeah. But I don't, I really haven't looked at the vagina that much. Okay. I've not really looked at my own penis that much either. One looks away to some extent. A little bit, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to a hotel tonight. I might just give it a good look over. I think you should actually. Yeah. It's good for your health. Yeah, you're supposed to check it and stuff. Just to check it out. But I don't know because... Is that okay for me to say? I don't know if it is. No, no, because you know, because blokes are supposed to check the testicles, aren't they?

6:34Yeah. Yeah. But they've always felt a bit weird. They feel weird anyway. I don't think I'd notice a lump. That's weird. You've got to understand what's normal. Yeah, you've got to regularly check them out. That's why the simplest thing is often just if you have something you don't know whether it's weird, you just check the other side. So if you're checking that under your arm and there's all sorts under there, you're like, well, compare it to the other side because it'd be very unlikely that you had exactly the same thing wrong on both sides. So if one's different to the other, then that probably means you've got a problem.

7:04was if they're both weird in the same way, it probably means that you're all right. Plague. Or plague. Bubos. Yeah. But no, I don't really talk. If you're in the mirror, if you're checking one and the bloke in the mirror is checking the same one and that's the same, that isn't, that's the man in the mirror. Unless it's a quick stretch. So that you need to be sure, make sure they're both you and it's not just the mirror guy. Fuck me. Because he can trick you as well. Right. Because you think, I have checked both balls, but one of them was him. One of them was him. Hang on, Joe. I don't want to steer to AI again so quickly.

7:40No, no, go on. I was on the train. That's one thing they'll never have. They'll never have testicles. I was on the train yesterday. A guy came up to me and said, oh, my God, is it you? And I never know how to answer that. It's always awkward. Oh, God, I have things where people go, I have to be like, look, I can't bother to go through it. I got into a taxi the other day and the bloke went, you're an actor, aren't you? And I was like, yeah. And he was like, what do I recognise you from? And I just went, it's the in-betweeners. And he went, no, it's not that. I don't watch telly. So now I'm in a situation where I'm expected to carry on a conversation with this man.

8:20This is his choice of conversation. He's told me he recognises me, but he doesn't watch television. So now I've got to be like, you go to the theatre a lot? Because I'm not in plays. This is a fucking dead end. Why did he bring this up? And also, there was nothing to talk about, and it was his fucking fault. I'm about to do one better. He could have, yeah, anyway. So a guy came up to me and was like, oh, it's you, isn't it? And I was like, well, yeah, I am me. It was like, oh, what is it? And I was going, you might have seen me off TV or something. He was like, yeah, yeah, can I get a picture?

8:57I went, yeah, of course you can. Took a picture with him, and then he was like, oh, this is weird, isn't it? He kept saying how weird this was. Yeah. And I was like, it doesn't need to be. No. It doesn't need to be this weird. He was like, oh, thanks anyway. I was like, yeah, no worries. And then about 10 minutes later, he came back. He was like, I just need to ask, you're not AI, are you? What? That's what he said to me. He said, you're not AI, are you? I went, no. I went, what? I said, what? Yeah. I did go, what? And other people were listening to this going on. And he started turning to the other people going, this is weird, isn't it?

9:40This is weird. And then he went, because all my friends, I've showed them the picture and all my friends say it's AI. And I just, you're not AI, are you? No, no, he was younger than me. He was a young fella. Must have been mid-20s, something like that. and I just didn't know. I was unequipped. Didn't know how to handle that situation. Jumped out the window. No, I didn't. If I wanted to. If you had, that would have been AI. Yeah. And then if you grew wings and flapped away. Do you know what? What his friends are saying is, we think you've used... Yeah. But he thought that they meant, that they're accusing him of having met a kind of replicant James.

10:29So this is why I know he knew what he was talking about. Because he said, oh, you're definitely real. He said that to me. So I don't know if he was a bit having a bit of a Joe Thomas moment. Why is that a Joe Thomas moment? Well, because if you mention AI to you, you suddenly go insane. No, I don't know. I don't think that. I don't know if he had a bit of a breakdown. What I'm saying is that there is a. He seems really happy and really friendly. That's nice. But it was an odd interaction. Yeah, that is weird. I'm having some really. That's really... Interactions with people at the moment for me, I'm on a bit of a losing streak.

11:06They've not been without incident for the last couple of weeks while I've been on a train. They've been a bit... Something's happened where the interaction hasn't gone as well as I would like it to. Because I do think, and it's all about opinions, you're allowed to have your own opinion. When people off the TV or something like that, they're like, hey, come on. I'm just, you know, I'm on a train at the moment. I don't owe you anything. I'm just trying to live my life. I don't agree with that. I don't at all. I think your job carries on. You want them to meet you and go away and leave and go, that was great, and I still love the in-betweeners.

11:43But also, you're in public, and if somebody wants to come and speak to you, they're allowed to come and speak to you. Absolutely, yeah. I don't think that you should be filmed without your consent, but that's because I don't think anyone should be filmed without their consent. What I'm saying is I don't think that when you become a celebrity, I don't think you should lose rights that other people have, but nor do I think you should gain rights that other people don't have. This is the thing that's happened to me a couple of times in the last couple of weeks is people go, can I get a picture with you?

12:16And I go, yeah, of course. Yeah, absolutely. And then they just put it on record and they go, oh look look look who it is look who it is and I'm like oh like that I don't really like that I feel awkward yeah that's fine isn't it I'm fair enough saying that I don't want to come across like oh no he's moaning no I think it's weird also I find it awkward if someone's filming some like filming you posing for a picture that's just an awkward thing to film isn't it yeah but it I've I've just had just a little run of awkward interactions with people, and I just want to have a nice, friendly, fun one again.

12:57Because it is fun. The AI thing is very strange. It's the best thing in the world. Strangers coming up to you going, I fucking love what you do. In a way, I would say that that is actually a very traditional interaction of two people in real life talking to each other. I mean, that's actually just something that I think you sort of – I don't – yeah, if you're out in public with other humans and they want to speak to you, I think that's a very sort of, like, almost kind of prehistoric thing that people have done. Like, people are sociable and they talk to each other. I mean, I think that's, you should do that.

13:26Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Facts Up! Hey, should we start this podcast? Let's get into it. Let's do it. Hello and welcome to Joe and James Facts Up, a podcast loosely about facts, but it's more about the rants. if you want to get in touch our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com our whatsapp is 444 4444 no that's not true it's 07822 034 330 and you can follow us on socials at joeandjamespod and you can watch all our episodes in full on youtube and apple podcasts just search for joe and james fact up now let's get back top

14:32We'll be right back. gift card as a thank you. Terms and conditions apply. See offer page for details. Boom. Joe, you've been sending in some Fact Up stuff for us to discuss. This is from Alex via the Fact Up WhatsApp. So this is loosely subtitled Dogs and Their Socks. Dear both, your story about James's dog eating, then vomiting up a sock, struck a chord of concern with me as it made me remember an episode of the Yorkshire Vet where a family strongly suspected their dog had eaten a sock. It can be dangerous. Yes. Well, keep listening and you will continue to think that. Yeah. They thought this because he was a cereal eater of contraband.

15:19Contraband. Chocolates, plastic bags, etc. Contraband. Yeah, contraband. And they had one sock but not a pair. Sure enough, they scanned him and he had the sock in his inner. So they had to operate on him. The surgery seemed very intrusive and expensive. Oh, yeah. And I remember being really surprised at the time, thinking, surely a dog can eat a sock. I was also very impressed that they had spotted the missing sock. I totally agree with this. As if I found one singular sock, I wouldn't think anything of it. I've barely got any pairs. I mean, it's just astonishing. I don't know. Do you know what, Joe?

15:55If I found one singular sock, I wouldn't think anything of it, and would pop it in the drawer and hope to find the other. Yeah, regardless, it seems James' dog had a lucky escape. Yeah, no, she did have a lucky escape. So I've got a set of socks, a set of Fred Perry socks, right? And on one side, they say Fred, and on the other side, they say Perry, right? I do have a pair that just says Fred, Fred. So I'm missing two Perrys. What, you mean they came as two Freds? No, no, no. I wore them once and they've gone through the system. And now I've got a pair of Fred Freds, but no Perry Perrys have turned up.

16:33Have you lost two Perrys? I've lost a pair of Perrys. Okay, so you had six socks. Two have gone. Four. Two pairs of socks.

16:46What? No, you've got the ones that you're wearing. Oh, yeah, yeah. I've got these. These are fine. Okay, and then there's... These are just out of the packet today. These are just out of the packet. Okay, okay, okay. So you know that that's... Yeah. And then you've got another... Buy two other packets. Yeah. And you've lost both peris. I've lost peris, yeah. Well, I hope they're happy, wherever they are. Wherever they are. But in hindsight, you shouldn't really buy socks that are specific to one foot. Do you know what I mean? Because they will go. They do go. yeah maybe the dog's fucking had well but also I don't think I don't think anyone knows that they're I suppose maybe it's clear that there's that branding is quite distinctive but I mean I just I just think we should just stop wearing paired socks but also they're brand new those are yeah yeah and the ones that I wore were brand new I wore them once I don't know I honestly and I know this makes me a bore but I don't know where do they go where do they go I don't know In my house, we've got about 45 singular socks without a pair.

17:58That quantity, a pile, a big, big pile. Where's the other pile? I don't know, man. I remember watching... I'm pretty good at getting the socks in the wash together. I pair them up when I put them in the wash bag so that I know that I've got two coming back well. Well, no, but you don't. it doesn't nature finds a way nature finds a way nature finds a way and me and Hannah had an idea that we would set up a company just selling and we'd be called like the single sock company you just buy one at a time and like they're really beautiful and you just buy one that probably cost more I just think we need to get rid of the idea that you need to wear paired socks it's ridiculous you don't need to no just wear whatever why it doesn't matter what you've obsessed with symmetry or something who gives a shit no one ever sees your socks anyway if it's clean and it hasn't got holes in put it on be safe keep it legal and be safe keep it legal and be safe I remember I mean yeah the idea that they'd be in pairs I just think it's I it feels like we could maybe move on from that I remember watching MTV Cribs as a kid and they'd have all these rappers on with their Lamborghinis outside and their great big mansions and stuff yeah and every they would always brag how they'd go into their closet and there'd just be like a wall of socks and they would just always brag and they'd be like, wear them once, chuck them away.

19:27Yeah. And I just think maybe when I get to that level that I could afford that, then you don't have to worry about whether pairs are coming back. You just wear them once. Yeah, it's decadent. Don't get me wrong. It was a bit wasteful as well. Incredibly, yeah. But who gives a fuck? Do you know what I mean? They're ballers. Yeah. A lot of them are now bankrupt that you see on MTV Cribs. And you do have to just watch their episode of MTV Cribs and you're like, well, that's why you've got no fucking money left, mate. Spend it all on socks. You fucking ruined yourself. I do love a new pair of socks.

20:02I mean, I understand. Oh, it's nothing better. I kind of, maybe there is no pure pleasure. I mean, it's absolutely. Fresh sheets, fresh bed sheets, new pair of socks. That's the peak of life. Yeah. Yeah. If I die. Do you ever iron your sheets? Well, I don't. Again, I don't know the ins and outs of it. I just know that there are, you know, once a week or so, fresh sheets go on the beds. I mean, yeah, and particularly if they're ironed.

20:34Claire likes things done in a certain way, so I let her get on with it. No, no, that's right. And I mean, I do as well. I'm better at making the bed than how I'm good. If I start mucking about with washing machines and stuff, I'll flood the house. I'd be a really good cleaner. and I'd be a fantastic cleaner. I'm fastidious. I'm precise. I'd be a bad... I have respect for what I'm doing as well. I don't just like shove it all in the bin or shove it like item by item. I would... I'm a bad cleaner. I'm a bad tidier upper. I can look around a room and be like, yeah, I've made a mess of this room, but I'm not 100 % sure what to do to make it look tidier again.

21:13So like I'll move something and I'll fold something and I'll be like, Like, no, it still doesn't, it's still not right. It's still not, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do here. I can see that stuff's untidy and I don't like being untidy or being in an untidy room. Yeah. But I just can't, like if Claire tidies a room, it looks like fucking, I'm in a hotel or something. I'm like, wow, this is amazing. But if I do it, it's like, it's not quite right. It's just not done right. I don't know what it is. stupidity. I have, no, no, no. I think it's being a fucking idiot. I'm being able to tell when it's good, but not being able to get it.

21:55So it's good. I'm like that with interior design. I don't know how, I don't know how to make a room feel nice. I really don't know. Like when I was at, when I was at university, I was just given this room and it had a little thin bed in it. Like thinner than a, like it's like a prison bed really. And nothing on the walls and like a desk. I just left it. I was like, well, that's just what it is. and then sometimes I'd go into other people's rooms and they'd have slightly decorated it a bit they might have put fairy lights up or they'd brought in their own cushion or their own throw or something or what they called a photograph of their family and I would honestly, I'd go to myself oh, we're allowed to do this and they'd be like, yeah, of course you are and it just hadn't occurred to me I basically just accept what I'm given I'm like, that's what it's like I will clean it I will clean it but I will not change it whereas Hannah's really good at interior design.

22:47But at the same time, if a room has been much around with and the interior design has been changed and it's been made more pleasant, I will be able to recognise that it's nicer. It's just I wouldn't know how to get it like that myself. I think it depends whether your parents are good at interior design or not as to whether you then inherit that. Because when I grew up, we had too much furniture. Right, yeah. For a tiny house. Yeah. And fucking doilies everywhere. Doilies and potpourri. Yeah, yeah. Just like... doily covers on the arms of chairs oh yeah yeah and neck curtains and yeah it was just like it was a fucking yeah yeah the wheel is i must admit i don't know because it's like they they get dirty and they sort of look dirtier than the thing they're supposed to be you can wash those though can't you dirty you can chuck those in the washing machine you can't chuck a couch in the washing machine no you can't but then i just i think the key is to buy materials that look good as they get as they age.

23:43I don't like... My parents... Like leather. I think leather's... Well, I know you're not... Are you? You're supposed to look after leather. Also, it's not fair, is it, on the... All right, fake leather. Yeah, faux leather. Patterns everywhere. Patterns. Everything was patterned when I was growing up. My parents were terrified of anything plain. Anything neat and plain. Everything. The fucking couch looked like a summer's garden.

24:10Honestly. It's like you fell into an allotment or something in my living room. And there was brick. There was a brick fireplace. There was wallpaper, flowery wallpaper, a band that went around the middle of the wall with a different type of wallpaper that was different to the rest of the house. We had coving, fucking spackly ceiling. yeah we had that like it was like it looked like what is that stuff artex has it got asbestos in it no i don't think it does these that this day and age but why is that because we had that what's the point of it like i used to look at my bedroom ceiling when i was a kid and i'd be like why didn't they finish it why is it all swirly and like yeah it looked like um if you were gonna make a model of a seascape.

25:06Yeah. It looked like tiny little waves just constantly going across the ceiling. I actually quite like looking at some of the swirls. I didn't mind it. No? I used to look up and see, oh, that's that swirl. Windows? Our windows had fucking roses in them? Stained glass windows? Like we were a fucking church or something? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I know. Yeah. I am. what was wrong with just neat nice neat plane well when we moved into our house it had this wallpaper called i think it's called anaglypta which is like really thick and textured like victorian wallpaper yeah yeah like thick yeah comes out from the wall yeah it was like embossed yeah and a lot of people said we should um keep it a lot of people came around our house they were like oh this is great like like you don't see that anymore yeah i know they think they wanted because they like can't even buy that you can't buy that yeah i know and you're like well That would cost you a fortune.

26:02Yeah. And it is a bit like, what? You're telling me it would cost an absolute fortune to make my house look shit. Anyway, what about this sock? So basically, I guess the upshot is the dog didn't poo it out. And obviously at that point, that's going to be a problem, isn't it? Our dog, it was less than 24 hours. I would say it was about a 12-hour turnaround. Was it pooed out or vomited out? Vomited. Vommed out, yeah. It was vommed out. So it didn't get down into the intestines. Because actually, I think it might struggle to make its way through. It can be really, really dangerous. And, you know, we spoke to someone on the phone.

26:40We were like, a dog just had a sock. They went, just keep an eye on it over the next day. And if you don't see it again, then you've got problems. But luckily enough, she just ended. And I still said to Claire, you could have just stuck that in the washing machine. You really could have done. Yeah. There was nothing wrong with it. Yeah. But apparently she didn't want to wear a sock that had been vomited over. Yeah. And then you've got to chuckle the other one as well, haven't you? Yeah. That's the thing, isn't it? I know. It's some, I feel like one, I honestly, I feel like the sock that hasn't been lost, it's like, why does its life have to be over?

27:20It could still have a life. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh, you're saying it can't be, like, in a way, I feel like it's a bit of kind of like it's sort of shaming single people yeah saying if you haven't got a partner yeah you might as well just or if you know if your partner dies yeah you should be sort of burned along with them socks stick together though well I don't but I don't think they need to I think I think stop wearing pairs of socks you just you don't need you don't need to honestly because I've got this mountain of socks in my house They haven't got a pair. And so... Do you not?

27:59Have you not gone through the bouncing though? Have you not gone to pair them up to see if there are pairs in there? I tell you what I hate. I think you've just gone. All the different types of just like plain black sock. And they're all slightly different. So you can't really pair them. Because like the top of the band that goes around the ankle, sometimes it's that thick. Sometimes it's that thick. Sometimes it's still that thick, but a bit thick, but like fatter. Yeah. And you're like, well, I can't really put them together because then I'll... I don't want to keep talking about socks, but I do know what you mean.

28:30And I do... I am loyal to a sock brand. And I've been... I've been... On the whole, I've been buying the same type of pairs of socks for years. But then what happens is you get your fresh new crisp white socks, right? Yeah. And then they get paired with the old sort of greying sock that are a bit smaller and they're a bit fucked because of the... tumble dryer and stuff, which is why I pair them when I put them in. And then it's a whole thing then. And I'm just like, oh, now I've got to go through all these. But also what you've got is you've got these... Especially black socks. Just as bad, just as bad is creating a fake pair.

29:15Because now you've got two. Neither of them are supposed to be there. They're both supposed to be somewhere else. Yeah. And yet they're embedded in society. Yeah. posing in a sense yeah as a legitimate pair yeah it's like the couples that come off Love Island for the brand deals yeah yes exactly yeah they're both supposed to be somewhere else yeah get back in the pile wait till you find your pair it's like um a fresh new sock that's just sort of hung on to a Hugh Hefner type sock yeah just waiting for him to die yeah it's not anyway Anyway. Well, look, so vets are expensive. They're well expensive.

30:00But, you know, I mean, what do you want? You've chosen to take care of some random animal for no reason. Of course it's fucking expensive. It's your funeral. Don't have a pet then. I've got no sympathy. You don't have to have a pet. Like people who go around with pets are like, oh God, what's he done now? And you're like, don't fucking have a pet then. Don't start just randomly looking after some random fucking animal. Don't tut. I mean, it's ridiculous. The other thing that annoys me is when there's a massive dog in the park who's attacking your child or something, and the owner's going, oh, he thinks it's a game.

30:29I don't care if he thinks it's a game. It might eat my child. Oh, he thinks eating your child is a game. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he thinks it's a game. Yeah, of course, I don't care. That's the problem. Yes, that's the problem, that he thinks it's a game. Oh, my child's being eaten by an alligator. Oh, the alligator thinks it's a game. Oh, that's all right then. Oh, if he thinks it's a game. I've got no sympathy, really. You don't have to have a pet. Don't have a pet then. JT's furious. I really hope we get a rant sponsor by this episode. We need to move on to fact check. This is the part of the podcast.

31:00You take a breather for a second, Jo. Do you need a water? Are you okay? All right. Okay. This is the part of the podcast where we read a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of. And then we're going to have a good think during the break. And we'll let you know how true it feels to us and decide whether it passes our fact check. I'll read this, Jo. So this week's fact check comes from Lily, who has sent us a WhatsApp. Lily says, hi, Joe and James. I heard this fact years ago. Have no idea if it's genius or complete nonsense. So it feels perfect for the podcast. Apparently, a chef's hat has 100 pleats in it.

31:34And each pleat represents one of the hundred different ways to cook an egg, which sounds absolutely bonkers. But also exactly the sort of thing people confidently tell you as if it's true and while we're on chef's hats i all i was always told that the chef with the tallest hat in the kitchen was the most senior chef so if that's true professional kitchens are basically ruled by a hat-based hierarchy have you ever come across either of these before or have i been listening to a load of old nonsense love the pod sorry queen lily may i don't know what she's apologizing because you don't like the word pod?

32:08I don't think so. Well, she's capitalised pod. Yeah. So there was a bit where one of us didn't like calling it a pod. I think it might have been me, but just as a joke. I don't really care. Lots of love, Lily from Somerset. She just means sorry because you have to like... I'll take the apology. Yeah, take it. You need it. Thanks. Sorry, I think she's just sorry you're involved. Yeah, me too. Oh, my feelings. We're going to have a little think. Listen to these adverts and we'll be back with our thoughts.

32:56Right.

33:03Welcome back to Joe and James Fact Up. We were just fact-checking on behalf of Lily, who wanted to know, does a chef's hat have 100 pleats for 100 different ways to cook an egg? I am calling bullshit. Well, it is interesting because... Do they have 100 pleats? I mean, I'm just to accept that chef's hats have 100 pleats. I mean... I think that in itself is... If that's true, that's a great fact. Chef's hats have 100 pleats. I don't even think that's true. Chef's hats Where do you get a chef's hat from? Where would you buy a chef's hat? Nisbet's And I don't mean You go to Nisbet's I don't mean Nisbet's Don't they sell like chef Liam Nisbet's Yeah You don't give a fuck About nuts or berries James Nisbet's They don't I think that is where you go They are a catering company I don't I'm not talking about Is that the place in London?

34:02You see all their is it near forbidden planet yeah and in the window they've got all the different yeah some shaftsbury avenue isn't it dressed up as um why do i know that no this isn't well look it's it's interesting because was it in this podcast where you were saying that you did you thought that maybe eg was example example yeah well this is a this is a real life version of these are examples. These are the examples. Careful, that might be pun-believable. It could be pun-believable. And it is true that It's just a French thing though, isn't it? The chef's hat. I don't think it really I don't know if it's just a French thing.

34:47I think there's like, but I mean that big, stupid, pompous tall French Well that is what we're talking about. And those are the ones with the But I don't think that really unless they learned in France or they export. I think it came from France, the chef's hat. It must have done. Seems like a silly. There are lots of ways to cook eggs. I get a chef's hat to keep your hair out of the way and stuff. Yeah. Quite why it needs to be that big. How many ways can you cook an egg that you can think of right now? Scrambled, fried, poached, boiled. Deviled. Yeah, but they're boiled, aren't they? and then you well no but then you mince up the yolk with some sort of don't you make the yoast the yolk into like a paste of some kind I like yoast yoast I like yoast yeah and then you put it back in the egg you put it back in and that's called devils but yeah but you've boiled the egg it's specifically how you cook an egg maybe there's a hundred ways to prepare an egg which I think is a different thing a hundred ways to cook an egg I don't think there is a hundred ways to cook an egg.

35:56I don't think there are 100 pleats in a chef's hat. But do you think it is the same number both times? So maybe there's 8 ways and 8 pleats? I don't know why that is. I don't know either. How many pleats did the Swedish chef have from the Muppets? I don't think he had any pleats. I think it was more of just a for want of a better word, dildo tube on his head. It kind of had a bit of a floppy bit on top. He had a bit of a floppy bit. on top. Yeah. Yeah. I have to say that when I imagine a chef's hat, I'm imagining a sort of mushroom cloud affair. Yeah. It doesn't really make me think of pleats particularly.

36:39It makes me... I've got to say this is all this is all bullshit. Is that what you're going with? No, I don't... Oh, I'm talking about the podcast. No, no. No, I'm going... No, I don't think there's any fact in here at all whatsoever. I think that Lily's dad told her this as a child. I do this sort of thing to my kids all the time. I tell them something, I get them to believe it, but then I forget to go back and say, oh, by the way, I did make that up. That was a wind-up. And then they go off and they start writing into podcasts saying that chefs have 100 pleats.

37:21You're trying to justify this? Do you think it's true, Joe? Chefs do have quite a lot of sort of lore, don't they? You know how the taxi drivers do the knowledge? And chefs do have like, these are the five great base sources of the French culinary canon. I think there are these kind of... Oh, there's tradition and stuff, sure. There's canon, that's what I mean. There will be like, these are, like, what is it like? I've heard like Marcus Waring talk about it. These are like the four basic sources of French cooking school. 100th seems high for eggs. No, eggs are... Eggs, there are lots of ways to prepare eggs.

38:07More than you think. I'm sure. I'm sure there's more. Are there 100? Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Raw. You can have raw. That's one. Rocky had raw eggs, didn't they? Raw's one. I think Chef said, that'd be day one, wouldn't it? What are we doing on day one of Cullinan's school? It's actually an easy day. Raw egg. Raw egg. Yeah. Go home. Right. You want to just find out if it's true? Are you saying no? I'm saying no. I'm saying no, Joe. Even you're saying it. You're sitting there going, how is there a hundred ways to... I'm saying, how is there a hundred pleats? A hundred pleats, by the way. A lot.

38:47do you get one plate each time you cook an egg cook an egg a bit like in cub scouts where you get a badge yeah it could be if they had badges wouldn't it chefs can you do a mayonnaise yep there'll be one chef that was like look at the fucking plates on that guy yeah yeah it's um go on what what are we saying we haven't dealt with the other bit as well which is um whether the chef with the tallest hat let's not get into that okay but can i just tell you one other thing If you go to a sushi restaurant, the lower the curtain, the better the restaurant. Is that right? I think that's right. You have to go under a curtain.

39:32What? I think that's true. This is news to me. So there is something to do with height and quality. What? Well, I would just make my curtain really low. I'd just go. You won't be able to walk through it. Yeah. But then... Curtain? Yeah, there's a curtain. Oh, Joe. We can check that as well. In terms of the hats... Where's this curtain? On the way in? On the way in? Yeah, yeah. You have to, like... It's like the lower you have to bow, right? So it's to do with how much respect you have to show. Like, if he's not very good, you're like, oh, whatever. Just nod. But then if he's really good... Or she...

40:12You got me like down. Like that. to get in. But I wouldn't be bowing. Please, can I come in? I wouldn't be bowing. Oh, please, can I come in? I'd just be trying to get under the curtain. Yeah, that's it. It's like forcing people to bow to you. Yeah, it is, yeah. I think it's literally that, yeah. Whereas with the chef's hat, it's like forcing people to go, oh! But the chef's always bowing then because he's always trying to get through the door, especially like the top chef. It feels like a liability at being that high. It feels like they've sold one problem of like your hair getting in the sauces and then they've come up with this other thing that's going to knock...

40:47Wouldn't it be funny if the chef's hat came from just because one chef, like 150 years ago, just had a really weird tall head? Yeah, cone head. It was just all head in that hat. Imagine if it was an egg in there. That would really be... Do you think he'd go up to people and be like, that's all head, baby. It was like a cob piece. That's all me. Imagine that hat, cob piece. Yeah. Right, what are we saying about this chef's hat? Okay, so I've done a little bit of research and there is a culinary school that have put an article out about chef's hats and it's on E. Scoffier, I want to say. Yeah, the great French master.

41:31I knew he'd be French. And you're right, it has French traditions so it's where the hats come from, the ones that we know and love. There are several chef's hats in a kitchen so the one we are talking about is the sort of tall one which has pleats. Here, it does say that a chef's hat has 100 plates. Wow. And it's to represent the 100 ways he could prepare eggs. Yeah, okay. So that is a fact. That's true. Wow. The article goes on to say... I'm sort of angry that that's a fact, to be honest. The taller the hat, the more senior the chef. Wow. It is all absolutely 100 % a fact. It's just a knob thing, isn't it?

42:12It's a knob thing. Well, how many pleats have you got in your knop? It's blokes. Blokes get... And the sperm does prepare an egg in a sentence, doesn't it? If it gets the lady pregnant. That's my sort of preparation. Should we make some eggs together? Milady? I think I'll be preparing your egg tonight. Let's just say tonight there'll be 101 pleats in my hand. If you're a good girl That's when you get the 101st is when you've had sex Yeah The final thing at gallery school is you have sex Hey if you're a good girl I might prepare your egg tonight I will say I can't see anything about the lower the curtains in sushi restaurants Oh but Katie Ray before she walked out I don't know where she went but she was Well they say that they they do low have low fabric curtains in the doorways called Noren I think that could be right and it's traditional to say that the shop is open and it's also just the job of sort of like keeping dust out and stuff like that so it's got a much more practical sort of use than being sort of, yeah, about how good quality it is I just...

43:26That's from some very basic research and I'm happy to be corrected on this Okay, well I might be... Lily, if you're listening despite everything I said, that was true You were completely right And keep telling people it. Yeah, it's a great fact. Unless we're winding you up. Oh, I tell you what. Unless this is an elaborate scheme to keep you still saying this fact about chef's pleats. Are we AI? Are we AI? Oh, Christ. Right, what's next? Joe's fact. It's my fact. Joe's fact. Okay, now. Hit me with your rhythm stick. Are you familiar with the period of fishing known as the Renaissance? Renaissance.

44:06Actually, before I do that, I was going to do two things. I was going to say I've got a sort of highbrow fact and a lowbrow fact. Yeah. I'm going to do the highbrow one. Go for it. So the Renaissance, do you know what that is? It's coming out of the Middle Ages, isn't it? Yeah, that's right.

44:23It's after about five, six hundred years of everyone doing the same thing over and over again. Yeah. So then going, it's all about washing your hands or something. well it will yes and and it's also connected to the rediscovery of uh the classical world so it was in a sense oh well let's you know let's come out of the dark ages but the the means by which they were coming out of the dark ages was to say let's try and get back to greece and rome yeah and um one of the people who was sort of responsible for the renaissance was um an Italian scholar called Petrarch Petrarch and he liked it so much that he wrote letters to dead Romans so he wrote to Cicero for example like as if he was his mate or his pen pal or something and so I'm just going to this is his letter and my quibble with this letter is that to me it seems completely pointless yeah you write into a dead person actually good point yeah But even once you're doing that, even if Cicero was alive, he'd be like, well, this is shit.

45:31So he's just saying, this is what I had for breakfast this morning. No, he's sort of saying, basically he's sort of having a go at him. Oh. Here we go. Oh, spirit ever restless and perturbed. In old age, I am but using your own words. Self-involved in calamities and ruin. What good could you think would come from your incessant wrangling? from all this wasteful strife and enmity. The bloke's dead. Yeah. He's having a pop. He's having a go, isn't he? He's having a pop at him. What did Cicero do out of interest? I don't know much about Cicero. Cicero was a sort of Roman, sort of speech writer, in a way.

46:11He's involved in politics. A bit like a sort of spin doctor. Right. Well, if Robert Harris is to be believed. He's Robert Harris who wrote Fatherland. Right, thanks. You know, Fatherland is about the Nazis winning the war and taking over Britain. Right. Robert Harris also wrote a trilogy of books about Cicero. Okay. A bit like the Wolf Hall books, a bit like the Thomas Cornwell books. Right. Cicero was kind of a smart guy, kind of worked for powerful people and, you know, wrote their speeches and stuff. I think he might have got involved in politics himself. Anyway, so Petrarch's writing to him, just having a go at it, basically saying, you were doing all right, and then you should have just retired and, like, just retired to the country, but instead you kept on getting into fights.

46:54And he carries on. Of Dionysius, I forbear to speak. Dionysus. Oh, yeah. Dionysus. No, I think it's someone else. Okay. That's Greek, Dionysus. So this bit, he's going, of Dionysius, I forbear to speak. Of your brother and nephew too. Of Dolabella even, if you like. So he's sort of saying, oh, I'm not going to talk about him. And then he just is talking about them. Yeah. So the half, the load of the letter is him just going, I'm not even going to mention him when he's just mentioning him. I could say some stuff about you. Yeah. But I won't. And then at the end, he goes back to his other theme of like, oh, how much better it would have been, how much more fitting for a philosopher to have grown old peacefully in the country, meditating as you yourself have somewhere said.

47:43He's like, this is what you said. Upon the life that endures forever and not upon this poor fragment of life to have known no... It looks like faeces. I think it's fashes, but also I don't know what that means. Yearned for no triumph, found no Catalines to fill the soul with ambitious longings. All this, however, is vain. Farewell forever, my Cicero. You better hit me with a fucking fact in a second. This is the fact.

48:14Tyrannosaurus rexes could put on two kilograms in a day. Brilliant. Bingo. Brilliant. And I will say to the Tyrannosaurus Rexes, hold my beer. Right, let's go with that one. Anyway, so he wrote to Cicero, just sagging him off. He's going, I'm not going to mention Dionysius. He's like, we are mentioning him. Yeah. And then at the end he goes, oh, you should have just retired. But instead you kept on getting yourself involved. How long have you been thinking about this, Joe? Well, it came up in a book I was... Has it made you angry? I feel like you're this close to writing a letter to that bloke.

48:52I was going to ask if you could like slag off someone in a letter and send it to them of someone who's already dead. Is there someone you would do that to? Yes. Who would I slag off who's already dead? Well, in that same vein. The bloke you shot, Franz Ferdinand. Oh, yeah. What a dickhead. What a stupid idiot. Well done. What a dickhead. Well done, mate. And do you know who called it? Almost to the day. I think about 25 years or 20 years previous Otto van Bismarck did he said this is going to fucking happen and it's going to kick off in the Balkans yeah but he should have kept Germany out of it then didn't need to get involved he was trying he did the whole thing it wasn't all their fault he united everyone yeah it wasn't all Germany's fault but they should have said to Austria-Hungary you're on your own sorry no you can't you can't handle it handle your own shit like we're not getting involved because if we get involved, yeah?

49:51Yeah. Nightmare. No, but if they'd have got involved a bit quicker, wouldn't it have snuffed out the Great War? The problem was... They fucking flip-flopped about. Who was it? Who was the Kaiser? They were going, oh, this has happened. We better fucking do something about it. And they waited for days to sort of go, all right, then, yeah, we'll do something about it. Well, no, they did. They waited. They did wait. Yeah. either if you're gonna wait what keep waiting do it or don't yeah do it or don't yeah but you know austria-hungary i think was actually like they they their their pride was stung and they were like well this can't go unpunished and it's like well fine but if you can't punish them yourself you're just gonna have to let it go yeah it's not sorry like but you you're not as big a deal as you think you are.

50:44And so, yeah, I think Germany was overly blamed afterwards, but they shouldn't have just said, whatever you do will back you up. Yeah. Like, that was a mistake. Well. Anyway. That's what we did with Poland as well, didn't we? Well, that was, I think, no, in the end, Hitler just wanted to fight everyone. He was a little bitch. Oh, he was a little bitch. He just wanted to fight everyone. He would have, the problem is, is that the lessons of the First World War didn't apply. So the First World War, they could have avoided a fight if they'd have just been more reasonable. And then in hindsight, they were like, oh, we should have just been more reasonable and just given people what they wanted.

51:22And then they tried to apply that lesson to the, like in 1939. It was like, no, now the situation is completely different. Yeah, don't, yeah. So it's like, one thing like generals always fighting the last battle. And when I was a little boy, I had a book called, I think it was called Lazy Jack. And Jack used to always apply the lesson thing to the new thing so he'd always be sent on these errands and they'd be like um uh like put oh yeah go and get some gold coins and he'd go and get the gold coins but then he'd carry them back just in his hands right and they and he'd drop them drop them and then they say you should have put them in your pocket and he goes okay pocket pocket pocket pocket pocket pocket and then the next errand guess what it is guess what it is gone pint of milk pint of milk poured it in his pocket in his pocket idiot they're going idiot next time he's not carried on your head he's not lazy he goes okay head head head maybe he's not lazy and then guess what is next a cheese big cheese cheese almost on his head i don't know where he's supposed to put that anyway so they were that they were like lazy jack basically right i don't think it was lazy jack who would you write to though the bloke that the bloke that went for a sandwich yeah that little like just pathetic little dick they went down the wrong way as well didn't they fucking he's driving They were idiots.

52:37I know the driver went down the wrong road. Basically, the bloke had given up. Yeah. He'd given up. He was going home. He was like, oh, wait a minute. He stopped in a cafe and he was like, oh, fucking hell, he's back again. Yeah. And then war. War off the back of that. Terrible war. I'd probably just, yeah, like same sort of vein as your guy. What was his name? Patrick. Lazy Jack. Patrick. Patrarch. Patrarch. yeah I'd maybe write to Nero I'd write to Lazy Jack actually I'd write to Lazy Jack I'd write to Nero, he was nuts yeah he was a bit insane wasn't he there were quite a few that went a bit didn't he make a horse a senator or something like that yeah he went a bit amazing, well I'm all fact up we've got one great letter I think we should have where is it oh here we go i'll read it i'll do this one um martin has written to us and says hi joe and james i tell my friends to listen to the podcast but when they ask me what it's about i honestly haven't a clue i've listened to all the episodes on my way to and from work and i can't remember a thing which is why i love it it's reminiscent of those random stupid chats you have with your mates which mean nothing but to you mean the world that's quite sweet oh uh any help on what i can say when recommending the pod in the future that would be great keep it up lads and crew well i think you've uh you have described this podcast in the most beautiful way possible it's reminiscent of those stupid chats you have with your mates that mean nothing but to you mean the world yeah that's how i describe this podcast well it also is i i don't really talk about like sort of like quite often I will have I don't know seen like you know a mate like a male mate and I'll come back and Hannah will go did he enjoy his holiday and I'll be like how the fuck am I supposed to know I do not I do not even I I can't even begin to care I don't care I don't know where he went I didn't know he'd been on a holiday I'll meet a mate down the pub and Claire will be like, oh, what did you guys talk about?

54:53And I go, I don't know. I don't know. And she's like, what do you mean you don't know? She was like, what were you chatting about? I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I can't remember. I'm trying to get away. And we weren't sat there in silence for about three hours. We were talking the whole time, but I can't tell you one thing that we spoke about. I don't want to talk about all the sort of the life laundry of my life because it stresses me out. I don't want to. it's a bit like don't talk shop in the mess like don't save it for the podcast yeah that's it really anyway so I don't know what it's about really apart from I can say quite often it's about wiping your bum anal glands it's quite often about Hitler there's a lot of Hitler stuff we always talk about Hitler and animals a lot of animals Germanic Germanic stuff yeah just you know what you talk about when you're just trying to it's what you talk about when you've got nothing to talk about yeah that's what this podcast is anyway I'm all fact out Joe yeah we'll be back next week we'll be back next week I'm with more facts chats and chefs hats I'm finished don't forget you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you'd like to tell us by emailing hello at joeandjamespod.com send us a WhatsApp 07822 034 330 you can follow us on social media at joandjamespod and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details bye guys we'll see you next week bye

56:33Joe and James Factor

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