The Problem With The London Eye

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1:03Right, well, go on then, Queen Lily Mae Yeah Genius, genius, Queen Lily Mae As soon as that's your podcast Yeah, but the thing is, I can just edit out anything You're the genius I don't want to keep in, so Do you edit yourself out? I try, well, I don't actually have the say on the edit as much as I used to But I would edit myself out more You've been demoted I've not been to it. I've been promoted, actually. Oh, now you're too good. You're too good for us. Is that what's happening? You've outgrown us. No. So you've used us. No, I used to edit the podcast. So now you're sort of phoning it in a lot more now, are you?

1:44Yes, exactly. Yeah, okay. Yeah. Not as bothered. She's got bigger and better things to be getting on with. Sort of more of a paper captain now. Yeah. Do you work on Sexted? I don't work on Sexted, no. Oh, you're not quite that big yet, then? No, exactly. They're keeping me humble. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I think it was a trial when the boys came in. It's a completely different atmosphere down the corridor, by the way. Yeah, they like each other, don't they? They're all running around making sure they've got everything that they need. Yeah. But yeah. Oh, my God. Honestly, I was surprised there wasn't a red carpet rolled out the front of their studio.

2:18Yeah. They just had that whole new studio built and everything. Yeah. Yeah, they're having a real life. Is that the... I suppose they're making serious money, though, I guess. So that's, do you know what I mean? Are they? Yeah. Well, they've been. From where? From podcast. Well, they, well, they made a board game. They made a board game. Yeah. And they've done some really big live shows and they live streamed the show within the cinema. They did a cinema release of an episode. Imagine if we had that sort of support. Tragic. How big this could be. Yeah. Yeah. I just hope, because I mean, they are, are they overspending?

2:54I mean, are they? Are they Guns N' Roses on tour? Yeah, and I mean, is it actually coming out of their pot or is it coming out of our pot? Do you know what I mean? Are we propping them up? That's the question. I'm not answering that question. Yeah, I wouldn't use that language. Yeah. But are we down here working while they're getting fat off the profits is what I want to know. Yeah. And all they could afford with the petty cash as a producer is me. And they don't even trust me to edit anymore. Right. Yeah. So I just wanted a bit of praise in the last episode because. Well, no, you made that clear.

3:34And again, it was subtitled genius. Well, that's going to be the name of the episode, I think. Right. The real genius behind. Yeah. The grey eminence. Look at you. Are you vying for the job? Are you vying for the sexted job? Is that what's going on here? I've been trying to get off this from day one. We're just a stepping stone. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. I can see, yeah. Can you take me with you? Well, no, hold on. It's going to be enough of our job getting me on there. It's every man's for himself a little bit, Joe. It would be nice. To be fair, and I slagged them off, it would be nice to be on a podcast that people listen to.

4:12Yeah. I mean, I quite like... I don't want a large audience. No.

4:23so it was my daughter's fourth birthday party four four yeah can't believe it that's nuts I'm supposed to be your mate and I've not met your daughter that's really bad from me no it's slack from me I feel like we've been a bit overwhelmed with the move and just everything else we're gonna say the moon the moon well the moon overwhelms me i mean i just honestly that crater just don't know it's there every night you know what i was having a thought about how like craters on a planet are like like they're like young trauma they're like if you have trauma early in your life it has time to become a feature of your personality and to become beautiful whereas if you get deep whereas if you get crated later in life there's nothing you can do you're like well it's too do you know what i mean so like like oh Oh, Joe, that's far too deep and thoughtful.

5:15You want to be an old Galapagos Island, not a newly formed one. Because if it's a newly formed one, it's just loads of lava and it's all raw. And if you haven't got the time to grow some greenery over it, it's just going to look like that until you die. So I think all these planets, they'll have craters in them, which is when something hit them and the moon has it. And so does Earth, I think, was hit by something. Yeah. I'm sorry to have brought up the moon it was funny you brought up the moon and actually what's funny it did I think it actually it sort of did overwhelm me anyway talk about your daughter's birthday so

5:59my daughter's birthday was in the park and I thought you were going to say in the past then in the pub it was in the pub in the past it wasn't the past yeah i was just doing another thing to see if you go off on a oh no talking about the past what i think about the past is um gun little daughter's birthday in the park uh and play rounders or something no we had some people who came and did like uh essentially like a play hang on a minute entertainers. We had some like actual drama. So it wasn't just like you and your family and stuff. No, we actually had some people. You used the park as a venue to stage your daughter's...

6:46Yeah, yeah. The public park. The public highway. Yeah. No, I did. That's a bit cheeky. Well, no. What if I wanted to walk my dog or something? We were just off in one corner. It wouldn't have been in the way of anything. We were like in... And there were only about like six or seven other children there. Quite a lot of people couldn't come, but then actually it turned out that... It was the kids putting them off.

7:19Until that little boy would stop staring at me.

7:24It was... It'd have the opposite effect. oh it was um it was it was really good and we had some people they put on so we what they the group that did it they they do like a play like they're like probably they're like actors or something yeah and they you you give them a theme and my daughter's theme was monkeys right she loves the zoo loves the zoo yeah i mean yeah i've sort of almost i've sort of forced it down her throat yeah it's monkeys it's one day she'll realize there's other things apart from the zoo yeah that's gonna blow her mind um yeah so i don't want that day i don't want that day to come that's so so and then they put on a little and so what they say what they do is that they they then build an adventure around around that theme right and it was really it was really and it was to do with a lost monkey and the children kind of participate in the play and they they go around different areas and like there's different activities so it's like a little immersive it's like a little immersive play yeah it was lovely it was really good that sounds sweet and um we made The cake, Hannah's recipe for the cake had two kilograms of butter.

8:50She didn't actually use all of it. I think she might have overestimated or something, but we had lots of butter left over, which is good. My God, Joe. Is this all right? The wheels fell off of that quite quickly, didn't they? Oh, God. And what, did you throw away a ladder that day as well? I'm not good when I plan to talk about something. Yeah, I know. You wanted to talk about it. Well, no, Lily, you made through me because she said, is there anything you want to talk about in the cold open? And I said, all right, I talked about my daughter's birthday party. But actually, what do you want me to say?

9:25It was a children's birthday party. I don't know. Oh, and it's my fault. It's not your fault. I'm just, like, I felt like it was a, you asked me to talk and I'm saying it was a hospital pass. It was. I'm never going to get to sext it now, am I? Oh, Jesus. no you're down here you're not allowed to go anyway I'm going to make sure

9:46can you give us anything to jump off of have you got any questions have you got anything like oh from last week or whatever I don't know I thought that's what you were going to do I thought you were saying have you got anything you want to talk about and then Jo went I'll talk about my daughter's birthday because I thought you were going to go because you can talk about this but that wasn't the case No, because that's what... You'll never go into sexted. Yeah, exactly. You'll never get into sexted. Sexted, you'd be chewed up and spat out up in sexted. Yeah, because they've got the follow-up questions.

10:19That's your feedback, is it? That's it. Okay. I think basically it was... Well, have you got any... Okay. So I would say, the reason I wanted to talk about it is because it's almost the first thing that Hannah and I have actually successfully organised. It was... It sounds like you had too much butter left over there, Joe. Yeah, you had loads of butter, Joe. What happened with the bar? What did you do with all the bar? That's what we want to know. Well, I'll get through it. I'll get through it. I mean, it's gone now. Oh, it's gone. So, no, I suppose it was just, I think we were just quite pleased with the fact that we'd managed to actually organise something.

10:57It honestly almost killed us for the week we were trying to organise it. It was like trying to get some people together to go to a place where there's going to be a bit of food. When did you start organising this? The week before? I'm going to say 10 days. It's maybe not enough. And also, this was actually, I mean, a lot of people were away. You waited until 10 days before the fact. The venue was just the park. That's the main bit. How was you overwhelmed, Joe? Was it the butter? There was a cake. You made a cake. Made a cake, went to the park. I don't know. I am... I'm on your side here. I'm just playing devil's advocate.

11:49But it sounds to me... I find organising things difficult. And so does Hannah. You're not organised. No, I'm not organised.

12:05and i'm sorry it was it was a nice it was a nice afternoon um but afterwards we almost had to take like a week off because it drained us so much yeah finding the park well the park so the venue was just a place it was just like go here at a certain time yeah trying to organize i don't know seven or eight kids and like their parents yeah to go to the park at a certain time i felt like i'd organized glastonbury or something i really it was that says a lot about you it does i know it does um we the cake seemed to the cake seemed to take hannah about like two full days yeah to make and it was like we'd chosen like the simplest cake recipe it was just a like a pink cake Right.

12:59I wasn't even there. We were late. We were late. And my, but all my, all my brothers came, which is really nice because they obviously, they know my daughter as well. They're her uncles. Yeah. And that's how families work. And we say uncle in my culture. Yeah. An uncle is a brother of the child's father. So for example, my brothers are her uncles. and before I got there Honestly, you sound like you're trying to explain upstairs, downstairs but new game There's a tendency in my family to explain, and it comes to my dad, to explain things that don't need to be explained I don't know why my dad does, he's very sweet, he's a teacher, he's a retired teacher so I think he's quite used to people not listening to him and having to re-explain every concept every single time.

13:56But he does it to his sons. In my culture, the son is the word we give to the male children of the father. Or mother. Yeah, or mother. In my culture, we just say father. There are no mothers. There are no mothers. No, we say. They're sacrificed. Yeah.

14:25So he's explained like Greg, my brother Greg said that the other day my dad explained to him how to deal with a mango. Like Greg's 40. Yeah. And dad said, the thing about mangoes is that they've got a pretty big stone in the middle, but actually the flesh outside is lovely and sweet. And Greg was like, yeah, I know what a mango is. And another time, me and Greg, again, one of my brothers, we were visiting some people in London and my dad was telling us where they lived. And he said, okay, so when you get to the address, the front door, the front door boys, it's not on the street level. You have to go, there are some stairs.

15:22It's one of those houses where there's stairs up to the door. We were like, okay. Steps. Steps, yeah. We were like, okay. And he went, so obviously when you get there, just go up the steps. We were like, yeah, we know. Yeah. So it's that. All right. So I see, I get it now. Do you see me? So he will explain things. I get it now. Yeah. Have your brother's got any kids? Yes. So you're an uncle as well. I'm an uncle too. So Greg has a... No, it's fine. Greg has a son. You know what? it's really hard planning things isn't it like parties it's really hard it can be really hard yeah right Lily May I'm not sorry this this is unbelievable we're like I'm sympathising thank you and everything yeah thank you and everything I guess yeah but yeah no I'm just saying it's hard sometimes and sometimes you don't say follow up questions and then you learn for next time I will say oh god I don't know I don't know if anyway the point is I wasn't there when the party began.

16:22Yeah. So another one of my brothers, Adam. Sure. Uncle Adam. So that's the name when he was born he was given a name. In this case, Adam. Yeah. And normally the parents will choose that and then that stays with them for life then. Wow. Unless they want to change it. They can change it if they want. So he was there. So it was a bit embarrassing because by the time I arrived, basically, the sort of the the the entertainers the people doing the play thing yeah they were already just setting up they'd already decided to they'd actually taken a decision to not do it in the area where i thought they'd do it they'd moved into the shade went over my head yeah but good good decision yeah um and adam my brother adam is actually better at organizing things than me so it felt as though he'd first we turn up on i don't think there's anyone worse at organizing stuff than you yeah um yeah but this It was 10 days of pure slog.

17:21You had to take a week off afterwards. I actually genuinely... Because you planned to meet at a park and you turned up late. I literally once forgot where I lived. I forgot my age once. What did you think it was? I couldn't remember. What was it really? I couldn't remember. It was around my birthday. I couldn't work out. I couldn't really work out. So I do this thing. So I'm 39. I've just turned 39. But if I'm making a point about something, if I'm talking to Claire or something, I'd be like, come on, look, I'm 40. I'm always sort of adding to my age to make some sort of point that I'm trying to make.

18:02And it got to the point where I was on opticians. This was years ago. And I was filling out a form and it said age. And I was like, I can't remember if I've already turned that or if I just keep saying I'm that. And so I had to Google myself. That's handy. Yeah. Don't ask AI, though, because that gives different answers, it turns out. Can do. For example, can you recycle the pump part of a soap dispenser in Haringey? Right. And can you? Well. Still don't know. Last week you could. Today you couldn't. Today you can't. Okay. So just saying. What sources are they? Should we do this? Have we got anything?

18:50I don't know if I've got any authority anymore. Should we do it? You're the ultimate authority. Thanks, guys. Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Factor. Welcome to Joe, James and Lily Factor, a podcast loosely about Joe and James. Lily, Lily, Lily, Joe and James. A podcast loosely about Joe and James, but it's more about Lily May. This is my dream podcast. Oh, my God. If you want to get in touch, please email us. We're going to have to change this, aren't we? Hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. If you do want to leave any voice notes saying how great Queen Lily May is, that will definitely end up on the show.

19:31They'll go in. Don't bother saying something else because it will go down the old memory hole. I'd love to say that. I hate this, but I love it. You can also follow us on socials at joeandjamespod. And if you if you and you can not if you you can might be blind, but you can watch all our episodes in four and Apple podcast. Just search for Joe and James Backed Up. Now let's get back up.

20:03Great meeting. Who took notes? Anyone? With Monday NoteTaker, nobody has to take notes again. It joins your call, transcribes it, and turns the whole conversation into a clear plan. Action items, owners, deadlines, all right there on your Monday.com board, ready for the team. So the meeting ends and the plan already exists. Meetings aren't just talk anymore. Go to Monday.com, the AI workspace platform.

21:00We'll be right back. Details at lowes.com slash terms. Subject to change. Do you snore? Did somebody hand you a CPAP and did you quietly stop using it? The mask that never quite seals? The hose tugging at you every time you roll over? A machine sitting abandoned in a closet? Excite OSA works a different way. It treats a root cause instead of managing the noise. And you use it while you're awake. 20 minutes a day. While the coffee brews. while you set your fantasy lineup, an FDA-cleared prescription device for primary snoring and mild obstructive sleep apnea. Then you go to bed like a person, nothing strapped on, nothing plugged in.

21:42In clinical studies, 90 % of patients saw a reduction in snoring. No sleep study required. Prescribed online, shipped to your door. Excite OSA at springsleep.com slash sleep20. Code SLEEP20 for 20 % off. Excite OSA is an FDA-cleared prescription-only device for primary snoring and mild obstructive sleep apnea. Not for everyone. Individual results vary. Risks and benefits at springsleep.com. You've been sending in some FactUp stuff for us to discuss. This is Paul via FactUp WhatsApp and it's subtitled ToiletPole. Hi, Joe and James. Brilliant pod. Unnurringly close to my actual lived experience in both perspectives, which is worrying, but please keep it up.

22:35Okay. Anyway, as we all know, James enjoys a good old-fashioned and very masculine sit-down wee. Absolutely. So I was very intrigued to see this live poll conducted on the cubicle wall of a local night spot. This was on my 44th birthday night out, which also coincided with A-level results day, so now I understand what the oldest object known to mankind feels like. yeah that would put it into perspective anyway the brilliantly analog poll encourages cubicle users to use a coin to select wank piss or shit as their reason to visit wank wanks first it's probably not first he's put it first which Freudian slip alternatively select star which I took to mean miscellaneous but my fiancee whose hometown this is later chimed in to inform me was a snowflake to indicate drug use.

23:24Okay. Okay. So they're encouraging that in the... Where is he? In a pub or something? No, no, no. I think it's just been written on the... Oh, okay. I think it's just been... Oh, it's graffiti. Yeah, I've got a picture if you'd like to see it. Yeah. Yeah? Oh, okay. Now the message will break down the stats. Okay. Sit down, piss a clear winner but a worrying amount of public shitties and drug enthusiasts using the same disgusting space for their own enjoyment. Yeah. Cheers, guys. Paul. You're taking drugs off of a dirty... Yeah. No, I'm not really into drugs, to be honest with you. No, I'm not really into drugs.

24:01I realised the other day that that Oasis lyric, all your dreams are made when you change the mirror and the razor blade. It's about cocaine. Yeah. But growing up, I thought it just meant like when you're having a shave and like you're getting yourself ready to go out. It's just, oh, yeah. When you shave. Yeah. And you look in the mirror. It's super hands, isn't it? Was it Long Weekend looking into the mirror, doing a bit of soul searching? No, coke, no, cocaine.

24:30Well, there used to be a poll on the, called the shit-o-meter in the history faculty toilets at university where you could talk about what sort of shit you'd done. Wow. like colour and consistency. And then it got painted over by some woke cleaners. Right. And then someone has written on top of that, Oshjotometer, how we mourn thy loss. So it reminds me a bit of that. I know I'm a fan of stuff written on toilet walls. I think it's good. It's a nice... They've been doing it for years, haven't they? I just didn't leave it up. I don't – it's part of – It becomes part of the culture and the fabric.

25:19It's better to write it. If somebody said you can either read stuff on the walls of toilets or you can read stuff on social media, I would choose the toilet walls. All right, let's move on. All right. So what's he saying here? So basically – Sit down, piss people off. Sit down, piss people off. So it's a cubicle. So yeah, so it's – well, probably, you know, sometimes you've got to – oh, shit, publicly. I don't, but you know, I'll tell you what, you need to back yourself. If you're shitting publicly, you need to know that it's going to be a high quality shit. Sometimes you don't know. I know more or less now because I'm taking my psyllium husk and it does a fucking good job down there.

25:56I've got into some situations when I've been out the house and I'm like, this really was a home shit. This was one that I needed to do at home. This wasn't, this wasn't textbook. the other problem i have i don't know whether this is what it is too much information but like my arsehole is not is not one discreet hole there's there's stuff around it so when i'm trying to clean up yeah it's like sometimes honestly i will lift up a bit and find there's a little bit of shit under there that's honestly true i'm just telling you that's true thank you What I mostly need is a bath, sometimes even a shower.

26:36Yeah. What I need is a bath. B-day. I'm not allowed to use it. There's another little message here from Georgie. This is via the Fact Up WhatsApp, and it's called Missionary Position. The sexiest of all the positions. Yeah. Hi, my name's Georgie. I'm a big fan of the podcast and would love to hear your thoughts about this. do you know the missionary position was named after english and american christian missionaries when missionaries traveled the world they encountered indigenous cultures where different sexual positions were more common the missionaries were associated with promoting the face-to-face man on top of his position as the proper or morally acceptable way to have sex essentially everyone was doing doggy before the english got involved yeah well it doesn't surprise me i mean it's like yeah like what who are they who the fuck are christians to tell people how to have sex that is not your wheelhouse believe you me no that is not your wheelhouse yeah all right you're better off getting sex tips from me or something you take sex yes quite quite And mine would be missionary.

27:56Okay. If you favour it. I feel it's the most intimate. It is a nice one. You can kiss, you know. Yeah.

28:07Hannah? Hannah? Hello? Hello? Hannah? Hannah, do you like it when we're having missionary sex and I kiss you? Hannah? Hello?

28:22No, but I just, yeah, I mean, again. Yeah. I think all the positions are fine. I'm happy, just whatever. I really am. Yeah. I can't. Do you know what? When I was younger. But as if there's a normal way to have sex. When I was younger, like with the lads, with my mates and stuff, and they were out shagging and stuff. Yeah, yeah. Right? when they were out and they were on it and they were being jacked the lads yeah and they'd um they'd all talk about their conquests i'd be very quiet during those conversations um and they'd be like one i remember one of my mates was like yeah we made a video yeah we set up a camera we made a video and oh i see your mate and there and his yeah yeah right okay like yeah we made a video it was really sexy or whatever.

29:13And I just was thinking, do you know what? Like anytime I've ever been in that situation, I've always just felt so grateful and lucky that I've never wanted to go, oh, hang on, one minute, let me get the camera. Yeah. Or stop anything. Even the Johnny can ruin what I'm trying to, if I take too long putting a condom on or something, that will completely, it will just stop whatever's happening. How are these people doing more moves than missionary? Getting cameras, doing it more than once a night. Weirdos. Yeah. Absolutely weirdos. Yeah, the video. Everyone's living in a James Bond film. Yeah. Would I want a video?

30:00Oh, God, no. I don't want to see that back. I'm in it. Yeah, that's it. I don't like watching my acting. I mean I'll say that much well we know yeah this would just be that but exactly even worse yeah something else to wince at oh my god what about like a little key ring like a like a theme park where you just get a little snapshot oh okay you can go to a booth afterwards yeah and you have to find your one yeah I'll tell you what's pointless they do that on the London Eye but they do it as you're getting on oh that's good is that true it's you it's you it's you at the queue oh do you remember when we went on the london eye no well look at this do you remember now no that's not a picture of the london eye it's a picture of me in front of a wall that is mental i can't believe anyone's buying that that is genuinely i don't know i can't believe anyone's buying the london eye i know i've never been on it i've never it's okay i'll See what?

31:05I'll make it a lot better. You know what I'm going to say. Speed that fucker up. That's another thing as well. Speed it up. She's just fucking stretching her legs a bit. Stretch her legs. See what she can do. See what this bitch... I'm going to say bitch. See what this bitch can do. She's unsinkable. She's made of iron, sir. The Titanic can't sink. She's made of iron, sir. I assure you she can. She can. She will. These bogs were tested in Belfast with the weight of 60 men. Joe, we need to do fact check. Better than us. me and you no America yes America's better than Britain if Britain's me and you no it depends where you are depends okay case by case basis it's a fact check it's time for fact check sorry it's a fact check I was just trying to move on really quickly this is the part of the podcast episode where we read a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of and then we're going to have a good old think during the ad break and we'll come back and let you know how true it feels to us to decide whether it passes our fact checked.

32:06Okay, so. Should I do this? You do it. All the stuff is in your name. I know. It's all flipped over to you. I know, it's weird, isn't it? I don't know what's going on. Well, you do the intro, so often I'll put Joe later on. Okay. And you do the outro, so it's like a James sandwich. Well, this, talking about our film again, this week's fact, oh, my balls have just dropped. I've been waiting for that to happen. Eventually. This week's fact check comes from Christy, who has sent us this. Hi, Joe and James. Love the pod. Thanks for the many laughs. It's not a fact, but a question. I am severely allergic to cats, and I've always wanted to know if that means I'm also allergic to big cats, lions, jaguars, tigers, et cetera.

32:53I assume that I would be, but not sure how I could ever check. I've also heard from several people, get a kitten and it will cure your allergy, which I think is absolute bollocks. thoughts. Thanks from Christy. So we're going to have a little break and we'll be getting to the bottom of this in a moment.

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36:04Pickup fees may apply. I just want to say I love this fact check. This is brilliant. This has made me think. It's absolutely up my street. Because I don't know the answer. I don't know the answer. Yeah. And... I should probably just say, welcome back to Joe and James Fact Up. We were just fact checking on behalf of Christy who wanted to know that if she's allergic to cats, if she'd be allergic to big cats. Lions, et cetera. Brilliant. Great thought process. Love how you're thinking. And I mean, and also there's a separate part about if she gets a kitten, will it cure her allergy? Yeah. She's been told it will.

36:45Seems like it wouldn't. I don't know. Is it like that thing, you know, when you used to get your TB jab at school? Okay, yeah. And they'd give you a little bit of TB. Well, the smallpox vaccination is that Louis Pasteur, I did this in junior school, if I remember it, he noticed that French, like, well, he was in France, but like the women who milked... I'd assume so, a name like that. Yeah, the women who milked the cows... Yeah, he came up with pasteurisation, didn't he? They never got smallpox. And he realised that they were getting given a version of the disease by the cows that was a bit like smallpox.

37:26And that the body learned to fight that condition. And having kind of battle-hardened itself against this cow disease, was then able to win the fight against the smallpox. And it's called pasteurisation. It's named after her. Him, sorry. Yeah, didn't his wife have something to do with something or another as well? Maybe not. But what you're saying is that they were given a weaker version of something similar to smallpox that then made them... So they were like the, you know, those fake metal men that they have over at football training grounds to act as a wall for a free kick. You know what I mean?

38:14you know what I'm talking about. Fake metal men. Yeah, those, you know what I'm talking about. I know what you mean. I do. I don't know whether they're, are they metal? Or whatever, plastic, I don't know. But they use those in practice so that when it comes to the real game at the weekend, they're better at scoring from a free kick. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, sorry, of course. No, I was, I was just, I just like the phrase. I'm sure they're made of metal. No, yeah, no, I just like the phrase fake metal men. Fake metal men. Be a good name for a band. Oh, my goodness. Fake Metal Men is, yeah. I don't know where to – I'd buy their CD.

38:52I don't know where to come at this, what position to take on this one. I mean, the Big Cats thing is fascinating because it's like, obviously, it wouldn't be your main concern if the line was coming at you. Like, oh, I'm going to start sneezing now. That's true, yeah. I sort of think that they are the big cats and your domestic cat are different enough that you would just because you're allergic to the small cats you'd be allergic to a big cat I sort of think that's probably true but I think that's the boring answer I'd love it if it was just to go Keegan on you for a second I would love it if you were also allergic to big cats because it was it would be this weird magical connection that you've got to tigers yeah well yeah yeah and i mean it is and i don't know whether i do i do like watching the the um the local cat there's a cat that um is but belongs to our neighbors and if you watch him in action it is just a mini lion like it's the same thing yeah like they are he's an absolute boy this cat i love watching him out he's He's always on the trail of a bird or a fox or something.

40:15He goes out all night and he comes back and he's lost his collar and his tag. If they could have bred cats with lion manes, imagine that. Oh, yeah. How popular they would be. Oh, my goodness. Like your domestic cat. It could be like a black and white cat or a ginger tabby cat or something, but it's just got this head of hair. Why hasn't, why, yeah. You've got like Maine Coons that are like similar. They're not quite the line of fence, but they've kind of got a similar sort of vibe. You get those Savannah cats as well. The ones with the very pointy ears up here. I can see it on your screen there.

40:52Yeah. What are those cats? They've got a weird name like Cargles or something. Cougars? No, there's an Instagram account that keeps coming up on my feed and it's just an account about this. It's like some sort of savannah cat. It's some sort of domestic mountain lion, basically. Yeah, yeah. And all the cat is ever doing is growling and hissing and they're like giving it food and it's like punching the food and it's so terrifying. And all the captions are like, oh, I don't know what they called it, Geoffrey or something. It's like, oh, Geoffrey's happy today. All the comments are like, that cat is fucking going to eat you at some point.

41:37Yeah, yeah. And he's got these huge fangs. And all the cat is ever doing is being really aggressive and angry and showing its fangs. And they're like, oh, that's cat language for like I love you and stuff. And I'm going, I don't think it is. No, no. It's just the best you're going to get from a cat. So that's what you have to say. It's huge as well. It's the size of a large dog. It's about the size of like an Alsatian or something. It's mental that they've got this cat living in their house and they think it's a pet. And the cat does not realise it's a pet at all whatsoever. Yeah. Yeah. I think if the animal doesn't think that it's a pet, that should be part of what a pet is.

42:22Yeah. A dog knows it's a pet. Yeah. Probably just don't have cats as pets because it's not, really well some are affectionate some are yeah I'm not a cat guy you're not allowed to slag off cats why not the internet doesn't like it I watched a whole TV show called Don't Fuck With Cats yeah but that was a guy who was being horrible to them no he was a serial killer that everyone was like oh there's a serial killer and then didn't he kill a cat and everyone went whoa hang on a minute that's too far I think the cats came first oh is that what it was yeah yeah it was years ago i watched that yeah it was a good show that was it was really it was like up in canada or something wasn't it yeah and then you got all these internet nerds that basically control the narrative of the world these days yeah sleuthed it yeah they did they can decide whether you want to whether they want to cancel you or not even though like 99 of the world are like what do you think about this and they go don't really give a fuck as soon as those internet nerds start i'm not a cat guy i'm a dog guy i prefer now now that now that i have a child i realize i wouldn't be able to manage a dog whereas i think i probably could manage a cat so i've shifted slightly so i actually i now appreciate the slight self-sufficiency of a cat but i think i think if the main i think if the main thing that you're getting from your pet is that it's not really there maybe you just don't really want a pet or I could just say oh the birds are my pets but they just live in the sky and they do their own thing like you know I mean you should go into the street and start saying stuff like that the birds are my pets just see if people follow me in between the star joe thomas section today birds are my pets and parks are my venues yeah yeah yeah that's annoying that Queen Lily Mae's come up with the funniest joke on the show today.

44:16I'll edit that out. No, but, yeah, somebody has to. She's going to sext it. I'm telling you, mate. We are this close to losing Queen Lily. They always start performing when they want to transfer. Have you noticed that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, she's putting a good performance today. Well, she's performing now. What a coincidence. Wait until she downs halls and forces a move. Yeah, yeah. I suppose we should be thankful that she's turning out at all for us. All the listeners will be like, no, just keep her on the payroll and just let her sit there and watch. And we go, we can't. We can't afford it.

44:45We'll have to sell her so we can get someone else in. Yeah. She's got us over a bloody barrel. She's got us by the testicles, Joe. She's got us by the short and curlies.

44:58What are we talking about? This cat thing. This cat thing. I don't know. Honestly, I'm excited. I'm more excited to throw this over to Queen Lily May and get an answer because I don't know what the answer is, but I know I'm going to love it either way. Yeah. Okay. Queen Lily Mae. So I've done a little bit of looking around and it is possible. Wow. So basically there are sort of proteins that are allergy prone called Fel-D1. There's also Fel-D and I think it's called, oh, dander, which are like microscopic skin flakes. And then you also have things like saliva and things like that. So that's what you've become allergic to with cats.

45:42And there's certain proteins within those that cause the allergy. So small cats and big cats both contain those same proteins. Wow, that's brilliant. However, they say that in research, it seems like there's differing levels of allergy reaction based on how allergic you are. But it also seems that people tend to have weaker reactions to bigger cats. so it seems less potent with big cats but I would say there's not loads of research but from some of the research I've seen and Vox have done an interesting article about that and then I've also looked into whether a kitten can help you with your allergies there's a good bit on allergies on the cats protection website which I've been looking at and they essentially say that it probably won't cure you however some people try and spend a bit of time around cats they don't specifically say um kittens but they say that sometimes you might feel like it's less severe but there's no evidence to support it right um but some people sort of take that sacrifice or maybe keep a little bit of distance even if it's in their in their own house but you shouldn't you can take antihistamines and things like that which will ease your symptoms so you can live with cats but there's no proof that kittens will cure it.

47:00Okay. I'm trying to find that thing on Instagram. I want to show you a video. Massive cat that keeps hissing on Instagram. I was just thinking that a good person to have investigated this question would have been the Tiger King. Pumba the Caracol. That's it. Oh, Caracol. All right. Okay, so this is just some sort of bastard. aggressive cat that's just like sort of swiping at people. Pumba the Caracol. Yeah. Oh, how charming. 3.1 million followers. Okay, well. This is all it does. Is this his own page? Oh, okay. Oh.

47:44They just go up to it and it's just pissed off all the time. Who's his mate though? He's next to another cat. That's just a normal cat. A normal cat.

47:53What are they getting out of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like, apart from sleeping with one eye open. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's basically... It's like living with a bloke who's just going, fuck off all the time. Yeah. That cat is going to eat you. Oh, fuck yeah. As soon as he gets a chance. As soon as he gets organised with a few other caracals. Yeah. Nice ears, though. Lovely ears. Lovely ears. And so we'll let him off. Joe, have you got a fact for us this week? Yeah, I do. So it's that... Oh, God.

48:29if you're bored of it no no I think it's alright so I was looking at the Georgian alphabet because it's a really beautiful alphabet and it's like no one else uses it and they've also got a number system just to be even more difficult they've got a number system that is in base 20 so it's called

48:52oh god Vigit vigisimal rather than decimal. So it's in base 20. Right. So they don't use tens. So with our numbers, obviously we go one, two, three, four, five, seven. Joe was just counting on his, just looking at his hands for a second then. If you're listening to this and not watching this, Joe was confused by his own hands. No, I wasn't. I was confused by what I am. I didn't know. we obviously go 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Yeah. But then we don't have a 10th symbol. We have a 1 and a 0. We say we'll move a place. So we'll go back to the symbol we started with, but we'll move it over here and then let that signify the fact that we would have - You're doing the thing again, Joe.

49:44You'd have to watch for this. Where you explain what an uncle is and stuff. You know about numbers, right? I do. You do. Okay, so base 10. So they don't do that till they get to 20. And obviously we don't use that system, but you can find sort of vestigial traces of it in such well-known sort of epithets as three score years and seven, which is Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. And of course, David Brent, we live for three score years and 10. Yeah. And it's, did I affect people? Yeah. Yes, you did. Are you going to pay me for it? yes lots thank you not why i do it but thank you yeah um that's it that's my fact yeah i should remember to thank him should remember to thank him um so there goes david brent i should remember to thank you there goes david brent so yeah that's that's it is that is that good

50:44wow well 20 luckily for you joe um we do have an extra bit of chat so we're just not going to do anything with that i don't know what you want me to do with that man okay we're just okay last week i brought anus back i brought us back to anus i have done some good ones who are you trying to convince i don't know right so they went up to 20 right here's my question then dare i ask so what comes after nine in the georgian well another symbol so so we have so instead of so So what it would mean is that there's, we have a total of 10 symbols. Yeah. Nine. No, we have zero. Ten includes zero. Because we have zero.

51:29So it's not 10, one to 10. It's 10, zero to nine. Zero to nine. Those are the 10. Yeah. 10 isn't a symbol. 10 is two symbols that you've already seen. Yeah. So you shouldn't say there goes a 10. I should remember to thank him. I should remember to thank him. Don't thank 10. thank one, zero and the decimal system. I suppose it's clearly based on hands, isn't it? Stop looking at your hands. Well, no, I'm just thinking that clearly that's what you'd... But maybe... I don't know why 20 would be... I don't know whether it's toes or something. Yeah. Might be involved. So have you got the symbol? Could you show me the symbol that comes after nine?

52:12This is the stuff that would make the... Well, they can kind of put it on there. They won't remember. But when people, when you do, but Joe, when you do your fact on the podcast, when people ask you to show them the symbol, they won't remember. They won't remember. They don't need to see it. Or they're going to be more disappointed when you tell them there's a fact. But you don't have it. They don't remember. Right, we do. All right. That's a fact anyway. We do have some extra chat. Claire has got in touch with us via the Fact Up WhatsApp, who says, hey, guys, love the pod. Keep up the good work.

52:50Not really a fact, but I was wondering if you guys would discuss funny sayings that exist, e.g. not my cup of tea. Does it mean that someone picked up a cup of tea and it was the wrong type of tea, so it wasn't something for them? Or is it actually another person's tea they mistakenly took? Other sayings would be cool, like chocolate fireplace. What? yeah uh what's the deal there who decided it was made out of chocolate and not other things that melt thanks again claire um yeah so not my cup of tea famous british saying yeah um but yeah i assume it um it lends itself to lots no i mean i suppose it's a way of it's a polite way of saying that it's not really for me, but I guess in a kind of low stakes way.

53:45Yeah, but Claire wants the specific, you know, did they pick up someone else's cup of tea? Did they pick up someone else's cup of tea? Well, it was just, it was out of time. I don't, I don't, I don't. Well, Britain's been obsessed with tea. I don't think it was literally that, because I feel like that would be, that would be a different sort that would be an analogy for a different sort of thing that that's that that's more like i'm really sorry that that would be an analogy for saying i'm really sorry it was an innocent mistake or something yeah do you think there's a there's something else to um the fact that tea was so important and so universally loved in britain for a long time that yeah i'd be saying i know this i know everyone loves this but this is it's just not it's a polite way of saying listen I appreciate that this is good, but it's just not for me.

54:38I think it's just manners, isn't it? It's just a polite way of saying, I don't like this. Yeah, this is just not really my... Well, I guess what it is, is it's like... It's... You could say that's not really my pint of beer. It's something that I like. And that lots of other people like. Yes. And what you're really saying is...

55:06it doesn't kind of meet my appetite. But that's on me. We can't really help our appetites. It's just that isn't something that I would look forward to per se. And presumably a cup of tea is something that you would look forward to. You'd say like it's not really... I think the saying used to be, that is my cup of tea. And if you don't give it to me, I'm going to get you hooked on heroin. Yes, that was what they... Yeah, that was what they would say. Satire. Pretty good, actually. Political. Pretty good. Pretty good. The opium wars, of course. Take our opium. We don't want it. You're bloody having it, mate.

55:41Yeah. Never mind Pizza Express. What about Opium Express? I don't want your opium. You bloody are. Office and satire. Yeah, I mean, chocolate fireplace. Yeah, other things do melt. I thought it was chocolate teapot. I thought it was chocolate teapot. Yeah, chocolate fireplace is... Well, also, other things get hot. So it's basically, column A is something that melts. Column B is something that's going to get hot. So, I don't know, chocolate scrotum. I don't know why it's gone there, but that's as much used as a chocolate scrotum. Because the scrotum's hot? Scrotum gets hot. Oh, right. Hang on a minute.

56:17No, not hot as in... What melts? The chocolate melts. The scrotum? Oh, Joe. So a scrotum wouldn't ordinarily melt when hot. No. But chocolate would. But chocolate works, yes, exactly. And scrotums get hot. Exactly, thank you. Nor do fireplaces melt. Hang on. Exactly. But when does scrotums get hot? Sex. Sex? Do they? I don't know. Me neither. I don't know yet. No, I don't know why my mind went to that. Possibly, possibly because my scrotum feels quite hot at the moment. If I'm honest, I suppose that, and it's, you know, it's been a long... Should I check? yeah and check the check the penis as well check the anus as well well no if I'm going to be there if you're going to be there might as well get it all done in one go have a good look around because I'll only have to come back and check it in a few months time anyway and wear the doctor's uniform as well okay on that note are we finished that yeah I'm all fact out alright cheers we hope that you've learned something I had a nice time Queen Lily mate are you going to still be with us yeah we'll have to wait and see really yeah I've got a meeting and we'll just see it.

57:28No, you being serious? Are you being serious? No, they're not interested in me. You're not going anywhere, are you? I'm not going anywhere. Because we're not recording for a while. Yeah, I'm not going. I've got no plans. I'm just going to be waiting. I'll still be editing the episodes and listening to them. I don't want your agent putting out stories that sexted or interested in stuff and trying to disrupt the dressing room. Yeah. You have to keep me sweet, I guess. well we hope that you've learned something or had a nice time we'll be back next week I'll do more facts chat some massive cats not bad don't be if it's going to have to be every time it's like honestly she does say so herself I thought I thought you know you said you want to keep me and then I thought maybe I'd get a reaction and then silence I did I gave it I let it land I gave it the time it needed you need a name check I've lost all my confidence I can't lie I don't think you have I think you're getting a bit too big for your boots sweetheart don't forget you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you'd like us to tell us our email is hello at joandjamespod.com our whatsapp is 07822 034 330 and you can follow us on social media at joandjamespod head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details.

58:56We'll be back next week. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.

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