Sparkling Water is a D******

0:01Joe and James will be here in just a moment. And with filming for the Inbetweeners 3 underway, we're taking a trip down memory lane over on the Fact Up YouTube channel as the boys have been sharing some of their favourite Inbetweeners moments, from fake balls to plenty of on-set silliness. Head over to YouTube, search for Joe and James Fact Up and get caught up. Some days, getting the work done isn't the problem. Staying locked in is. AlphaBrain is Onnit's daily nootropic formula for cognitive support, designed to support memory, focus, attention, and mental clarity. Its formula with science-driven ingredients include theanine and huperzine A to support focus and memory, and it's caffeine-free.

0:48So when you're deep in the work, AlphaBrain helps support enhanced productivity and tune out distractions. Get focused on what matters Shop Alphabrain now at onnit.com This week on Help I Sexted My Boss So there we go, what's been going on with you? Well I've had my chimney swept this week What is that? St. McFlurry Candy Crush one I've just had a fill-in yesterday Where? He has the same name as one of my brothers I've got a friend whose wife's called Emma And his mistress is called Emma It's very convenient. That's going to happen. Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.

1:31You know something I find just mystifying is there's all these different categories of rubbish. I'm quite interested in rubbish. Yeah, me too. I take metals down to the tip. Huge hopper, like the whole of the back of a lorry. Yeah. Wood. Again, huge thing. Plastic bags, forget about it. No, nothing at the tip. And a thing that's basically the size of a post box at Waitrose for like, I reckon, 15 ,000 people who live around there have just got that. What the fuck is that? I don't understand. Why are we not? Why does the tip not do? It's not like that's a small category. My tip's quite good where I live.

2:16No, mine's good as well. It's just it doesn't do. it's all basically those um they're not they're not ship containers but there's the same sort of thing so they can just be lifted and put straight onto lorries and stuff um and it's all those size stuff yeah yeah for everything can you do plastic bags yes yeah yeah yeah i don't know why we can't do plastic bags our plastic bags are like a gigantic category of rubbish one of the worst possible things for the environment. And I don't understand why... The only place I can recycle plastic bags is in, like, super... First of all, why are supermarkets in charge of it?

2:56And also the supermarket... Also, they don't want him back either. They're like, we just fucking got rid of them. What is that? They're trying to get rid of it? Do you think Sainsbury's has a great, big, massive drawer full of plastic bags? They must have a huge drawer. And they're sort of trying to get rid of them. Yeah. So they've got, like, a tiny little recycle bin outside. We don't want fucking... Sainsbury's are just taking them to Waitrose. We don't want them back again. That's all that's happening there. It's a nightmare. Anyway. It's absolutely baffling. But honestly, the thing in the supermarket is about the size of a post box.

3:31And I mean, this is London. I assume that honestly, 10 ,000 people are using that as their main place to recycle plastic bags. How is that the system? And every other category, you have this gigantic thing. the size of a shipping container for stuff like wood? I mean, I'm sure people... What was the last thing you wanted to get rid of? Was it a plastic bag or was it a piece of wood? I guarantee you it was a plastic bag. Yeah. It's ridiculous. I don't... Well, they do with plastic bags. Can they be recycled? They can be recycled. So just fucking recycle them. I don't... If you can do it... It's like inventing the car and saying, how many cars do you want?

4:05I don't know, four? It's the best thing to do, though. Don't roll it out. Just use it again and again, though. Is that probably the best thing to do? Yeah, that is the best thing to do. I do try and do that. There's loads of expensive bags in the back of my car. But then I drive to the supermarket and then forget to take them out of it. I've just got loads of... I would genuinely just call them bags. They've got zips on them and all sorts. And they keep food cool and stuff. They're like a big version of a posh lunchbox. Oh, I know those things. Yeah, so I always think, take those to the shop with me or keep them in the car or something.

4:42I never fucking do. I end up buying another one. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah, I know. That's the, yeah, we've, I've got into that as well, where it's like I've got, before I used to have just lots of plastic bags and now I just have lots and lots of much thicker plastic bags. Bags for life. Bags for life. Yeah. Bags for life. I'm going to get that tattooed on my chest. Bags for life. Bags for life. Pop that in the wedding vows. Bags till I die. You are my bag for life. You are my bag for life, Claire. I'll never throw you away. Even when you're, you know, even when there's better bags. Even when you're getting a bit tatty.

5:19Yeah. I'll keep using you. Yeah. For the shopping. Yeah. Been up too much this week, Joseph? What have I done? What have I done? Not really. Just, no. Yeah, me too. No, not, honestly, not particularly. have I, I did, I feel like I've achieved something. Oh God. I have been to the tip. Yeah, of course. I have achieved something. What have I achieved? Went to the tip's a good one. I got rid of a load of, I got rid of a load of like leaves and. Really? Yeah. You've been going through the garden? Yeah. I trimmed the hedge at the front. Right. It generates so much foliage. Yeah. It really is a lot.

6:13So I took all that and I got rid of an old ladder. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Is this good? Hello.

6:29I got rid of an old ladder. That's the title. Make a note of that. Went to the tip, got rid of an old ladder this week. It was just the metal. This week on FagZone. No, listen, I'm really struggling. It's just been too hot. It's been too hot, honestly. It has been too hot. And you can't do anything. I mean, it's hot today. And it keeps on... You know what? Does anyone remember a song? Someone just turned their MacBook on. It's all right. Something's got to happen. Yeah. I mean... That was exciting, wasn't it? Rrrr. I've just been working this week. I've got like... Nothing funny happens. You're working.

7:00Yeah, you've been working. Yeah. How's that going? No one annoyed me. Good, I finished. finished finished um the weather this week has reminded me of it because the weather forecast keeps on saying um like it will rain on tuesday and then you check in so like five days before it'll say there's some rain coming in five days it'll rain it's like somebody fucking you around about an invoice or something you just you'll have your money in five days and then you get to the day before and it's like oh it's gone away if you reminds me of just there's a i mean just because there's a song by JJ72. This is about, honestly, 25 years old.

7:41Right. And it goes, Why won't it snow like they said it would? So I feel like that's in my head, but with rain. Right. Why won't it rain like they said it would? You're odd, isn't you? Do you remember JJ72? Never heard of any of that. I feel like they only did one album. They were quite good. Yeah? They were quite good. What's a lot of genre? Indie. Indie. But not sort of strokes indie, more like Coldplay indie at the time. Right, okay.

8:11And I remember an article in like NME that was like, Indie's back, JJ72, Coldplay, Crashland. And it was like, I remember that point, I was like, oh, one of them might become big. Yeah. I like JJ72 anyway. They just didn't. I don't know who Crashland are. But that's a pun believable as well, actually. Crashland. Crashland. Where are you from? Crashland. But also, we crash landed. Oh, dear. It has been so hard. It's honestly been so hard. I'm just waiting until it stops. I'm just waiting until. I am getting air conditioning for my house. But the specific unit that I want, it won't be available until it gets cooler.

8:57But I've just said to Claire, I said, no. No, we're doing it every year. For the last five years, at least, I've gone, we've got to get air conditioning. We've got to get air conditioning. And then it gets a bit cooler and you go and you forget all about it. Yeah. But this year, I'm going to follow through. I'm going to actually do it. I'm going to, even if it does get a bit cooler and we've missed the summer, next summer, I'll be thanking. They'll be thanking you. I'll be thanking 2026. 2026, James. James. Yeah. I forgot what fucking year it was. JJ72. Yeah. JJ72. JJ26. it is 2026 isn't it we've got all these spices in our house for like 2018 I don't know what is this this feels like we've run out we've really the old spices we've really run out no I've got some garam masala this is from 2023 I feel like I've just bought it I've already bought that garam masala I was genuinely a bit worried coming in today I feel like I've only just seen you we've done so many at the moment Not only have I not got anything to say, and I was worried about that, I just was like, we always think of something.

10:05We always think of something, and we always have thought of something, and today's the day. We really have run out. Yeah. We have run out. It's Pete's last day as well, isn't it? Is it this week or next week? Okay. All right. Thank God. I don't want to send Pete away. Okay. I don't want this being Pete's last memories of Joe and James backed up. Hey, this week I'm going to go on like a mini break or something. so I've got something to talk about next week. Yeah. What else is there? I've literally just been at work. Like I've just been, I've either been doing a podcast. Are you in a three-way? Is your trailer a three-way?

10:39Are you in one of them? Two-way, yeah. Two-way? Traditional, quite a bit more. Two-way, yeah, that's nice. A bit more traditional. That's one of those three-ways are weird. It's God intended. There's a little, yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah.

10:55Well you do have something to talk about Because when this episode comes out It's the day before the anniversary of your Hastings episode Is that right? Jesus Christ It's been a year Well when this goes out Yeah, Battle of Hastings Day is coming up again What are you doing for Battle of Hastings Day this year Joe? We should You know it's so funny Every year I think next year maybe I'll hire a big house and like we'll all go there we'll cook the whole family and then it just creeps up on you again and you're like oh I guess just everyone around my mum and dad's again I suppose maybe we should go to battle maybe yeah maybe we should do an episode a live an outside broadcast yeah hello we could get a tent or something yes no you go should we do it on a delay yeah so how was the weather like down there I said what's the yes it's okay yes um we could yeah maybe we should I mean I I am you know keener from there oh for fuck's sake they're keener from battle what do you want me to say oh god the annoying thing is right listen let's tell you where we're at where me and Joe are at in our lives at the moment the main thing that's taken that's occupying our life is something we're not allowed to talk about legally yeah yeah so we're not allowed yeah I mean I'm just like yeah i can't talk about that but i don't even know if we i don't even know if by the time this episode comes out that we'll be that it would have been announced or not it's a big mess my life's all over the place at the moment i don't actually know what sort of um i feel like i'm just really confused about like time at the moment me too genuinely i went back to my mum and dad's house and i was like just sleeping in my old room um this is because hannah's hannah's been filming in basically when Hannah has to work I'm like well I'm not doing the child care my mum my mum will do it that's not quite no to be honest I'm stitching myself up there no that's fine I'm actually I'm I'm a good I'm good at child care I think but there are times where you're like I just want somebody to help me a bit and my mum and dad are really good at it uh so I go back there and like we stay there but it's weird you know being in my old room and I was like there was a book on the shelf and I was like oh I think I've read this when I was at university and I was like maybe I'll start reading it again now because I feel like I never really I was like what are you doing what are you doing with your life what are you doing revisit it no I thought um can you remember it I've had a number of thoughts this week oh yeah tell us tell us about your thoughts Joe is that really we've only been talking for 15 minutes um one of them is like fuck redemption right there's nothing more boring than somebody trying to redeem themselves well like you know i'm master chef you know i'm master chef where somebody goes like ironically proving you wrong no but like when they they go i'm gonna cook this dish because i cooked this earlier in the competition it didn't go well i'm gonna prove i can do it that's so fucking boring just leave it just leave it don't don't go back and try and never go back never go back honestly that i've been thinking that i've been thinking I've got this little mantra in my head HBO which stands for hungry bored overwhelmed and I'm like that's how I feel if I'm left by myself and I'm like good just sit with it are you hungry good you eat too much are you bored good you go on your phone too much are you overwhelmed fine you should be overwhelmed right so that's my little mantra my other mantra just try and be more positive yeah I'm always whining I've been looking at the clips that we put up I'm just having a go at everyone.

14:39Everything seems to piss me off. You should have saved this for Diary of a CEO, I think. It's kind of bullshit that they fucking talk. Because that, Joe, and I love you to bits, there was no consequence at all whatsoever. Try and be more positive. That's Joe's words of wisdom. I didn't think I moaned too much. Nothing wrong with that. It's fine, I'll moan. That's my favourite hobby. Do you want to hear a moan? I'm not happy unless I'm moaning. Here's a little moan. Go on. I like sparkling water. Every time I go and try and buy sparkling water from the till, they go, you know, this is sparkling.

15:13I'm like, yeah, what? What? Do you know what, man? Oh, yeah, like no one would want to buy it. Because, well. And also, I'm not an idiot. I think most people don't want sparkling water. I think you're in the minority of people that like sparkling water. And the sparkling water is a little dickhead. Like it does like sneak its way into things. And it's an awful, it's a horrible experience when you think you're about to have some still water and it's sparkling. I think drinking still water is a horrible experience. But what if you didn't know? What if you were just like, it was just forced upon you without your consent?

15:50Unconsensual sparkling water is a fucking problem. No, I don't agree. Well, no. Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Facts Up! Oh, Jesus. That's right. Welcome to Joe and James Facts Up, a podcast loosely about facts, but it's more about the chats. If you do want to get in touch, our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. Or you can follow us on our socials at joandjamespod. And you can watch all our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts. Just search for Joe and James Facts Up. Now, let's get fact up.

16:33Some days, getting the work done isn't the problem. Staying locked in is. AlphaBrain is Onnit's daily nootropic formula for cognitive support, designed to support memory, focus, attention, and mental clarity. Its formula with science-driven ingredients include theanine and huperzine A to support focus and memory, and it's caffeine-free. So when you're deep in the work, AlphaBrain helps support enhanced productivity and tune out distractions. Get focused on what matters. Shop AlphaBrain now at onnit.com. 1965, London. The world's largest uncut diamond has been stolen from the Natural History Museum.

17:15Shortly after, a young London window cleaner is arrested. I said you're nicked, you're in a lot of trouble. But was he set up? Wanted up led to fall of two cops. His family say? He is guilty, but of a totally different crime. You don't want to end up going to prison, do you, kidly? I'm Josie Long, and this is Rough Diamond. Listen now, wherever you get your podcasts.

17:41I've got a question, first of all. Do podcasts take a break? Do they ever take a break?

17:52They don't do that. Now I feel like we actually do, if anything, less than some. Some podcasts do two a week. It's mental. I mean, we're quite long. I feel like we give people more than an hour generally. This one won't be long. No, this one won't be, no. But I do feel like there's quite a lot of shrinkflation going on. I'm not sure that 26 Minutes is really a podcast. I think they know. Yeah, that's fine. They know who they are as well. Right. It feels like it's one cut in half. We have a sort of Snickers duo. That's not two, is it? It's not, is it? As if that's two. It's two small ones, yeah.

18:30You're just trying to get around the fucking healthy eating rules, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. Share it with your family. Yeah. Yeah. As if I'm going to share it with anyone and as if I'm going to have it later. Have it later. I remember when I was a kid. If you see half a Snickers duo, it literally means someone's died. I remember when... That's evidence. Well, that is. That should be bagged up. I remember when I was a kid. I was about 14. 14 years old. I was at school still. And one of my mates went, oh, fancy a double-decker. Would you share it with me? And I went, who are you? Who the fucking who are you?

19:07I've never heard a child talk like that before. No, I think he was probably in a cult. But did he think that a double-decker was like, the idea was that it was double what you needed, so you... He said it was a big bar. Get something else then, you stupid little ass-what. He said it was a big bar, but he fancied a double-decker, but he couldn't possibly finish it. Oh, just fucking get yourself together, mate. No one should even hear those thoughts. That's the kind of thing I'd say. Did you say that? No, it wasn't me. Well, double-decker is orange and purple, right? Yeah. Quite retro. Yeah. They still make them.

19:52I've not seen them for a while. I haven't seen them for a while. I haven't seen them for a while. packs for over Christmas. They had a sort of rice crispies in them or something. Is that right? I think they've got a bit of everything going on in there. A bit of everything, yeah. Right. I've been asking you lot to send in your name first game ideas and a feature that we call James Games. Last time we heard some Games of Frowns suggestions and everyone tried one out. It works pretty well, I think, Joe. Yeah. We've got a message here from Martin via the Fact Up WhatsApp who says, Hello, Joe, James and crew.

20:24I've got an idea for James Games or Games of James, whatever you call me. I do like Games of James. Games of James, yeah. It's a similar concept to James. It's similar to a concept James mentioned previously, but better.

20:42Combative. It says here, disclaimer, I have put far too much thought into this, mostly to avoid studying for my automation engineering assessments. I can't believe we've got somebody who's studying automation engineering listening to this yeah well you know what it was like you've studied for stuff you know yeah you know you get to a point where you draw you just would rather do anything you'd rather do anything else it's almost like you say i'm so bored of you know when people say like i'd rather watch paint dry yeah it's i've i genuinely i'm not even lying i'd rather listen to joe and james factor yeah and do this you go i'd rather watch paint dry yeah and then And then if that's boring, I'll maybe give Joe and James a try.

21:25But listen to this, Joe. The game is called, this is Martin's idea, the game is called You Can't Judge a Cook by Its Mother. Very nice. And he's put, yes, Joe, that's a pun, believe it. Yeah. Of course it is. We've got the concept here as well. You get shown a photo of a celebrity chef's mother. And you have to guess who her famous child is. The franchise potential. When this takes off and we're making a fortune, 50-25-25 split, obviously. We release the sequel, You Can't Judge a Cook by Its Brother. Okay, yeah, yeah. Then to really milk it, Fast and Furious levels of milkage, we hit them with the ultimate spinoff, You Can't Judge a Cook by Its Stepmother's Stepbrother.

22:09Yeah, yeah. Let me know when I need to pop down to London and we sign the contracts and draft it up. Cheers, Martin. yeah very very nice yeah it's um you can't judge judge a cook by its mother great yeah yeah that's really good yeah and you have to guess the famous celebrity chefs do you um do you get to talk to the mother a bit and say like because yeah there's an opportunity there to get some cheeky stories yeah yeah obviously like oh he was he was naughty actually yeah yeah yeah um and then uh yeah the the kid could be there being like oh mom stitching me up yeah um well he's not a kid is it so they so the yeah the um well yeah it's still the the the the now adult chef but you know is uh is there and like yeah and because quite a lot of them quite a lot of chefs also do kind of hark back to their to their mom or their yeah they've always got a story about where they grew up and well it's quite a lot of well it's often the i assume because if you want to be a chef then you you're going to want you you must have already had some sort of relationship with food well i've heard two versions of it one version of it seems to be uh my you know my mum was a brilliant cook and she taught me everything i know or the other one is my mum was completely useless so obviously i had to do all the cooking you know from the age of eight i feel that's a bit rude um we need to to do that that'd be the challenging one when it's like the mums uh that'd be the first question are you one of the shit ones first question were you actually a good mother yeah it's the first and it's pretty tough on them as well this next uh yeah you're good right okay anyway this next thanks martin thanks martin we've got another one here and this has slipped through the net i mean this is just from yeah this is slipped through the net of our producers yeah this is a wind up yeah alistair's idea is the rice is right i mean James reads a dish from the takeaway menu and Jai has to guess which rice.

24:10That is from the Ricky Javet show 25 years ago. So it's egg fried or pilau. Yeah. So that's... So well done, Alistair. Well done. Good for you. I mean, I don't even mind it. I mean, it's fine. I mean, we put stuff in that show in here as well. We know that that idea doesn't work already. Yeah. Because they tried it out. Yeah. And they were like, oh, lamb boona. And you have to say, you have to see egg for ice and pilau. And he's like, well, pilau, obviously. The one from the Indian is the pilau. And so they're like, why don't you just call it like Indian food or Chinese food? He's like, because it's called the rice is right.

24:44Oh, yeah, of course. But you know what, Alito, it's filled a bit of time and that's fine. Yeah, no, thank you. Back to me talking about my old spices. Thank you. Is it time for fact check? Really? Already? It is time for Fact Check. This is the part of the podcast where we read a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of. Then we're going to have a good think during the ad break. And then we'll let you know how true it feels to us to decide whether it passes our fact check. Okay, so this week's fact check comes from Harriet, who sent us a WhatsApp. Hi, guys. Long-time listener here.

25:20And I need to know what you think of my boyfriend's fact that he keeps repeating every single day, apparently. His name is Joe, by the way. So this should 100 % make it onto the pod. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. because if you call Joe or James, you... Just automatically get on. My boyfriend farts all the time. And I know every time he's about to do it and always say to him, don't you dare, especially if I'm eating or if we're in confined spaces like the car because honestly, I've never put anything as bad as his ass in my life. They linger for hours. It's a really horrible experience. Anyway, a couple of months ago, he randomly said, look, if I don't fart, it will definitely come out of my mouth and now he has an excuse to fart every single time i would just really like you to fact check this so he never has an excuse to fart again sorry for the long message but feel like you needed the story to prove how desperate i am to prove him wrong thanks guys love the podcast harriet okay well i do have some thoughts on that so let's let's have a quick break and uh and we'll be back with our thoughts on farting out your mouth yeah

26:27Welcome back to Joe and James Facts Up. And we were just fact checking on the behalf of Harriet, who wanted to know, if you don't fart, the smell will come out of your mouth. Right. I've heard a similar thing. Have you? Yeah. It's got to come out one way. It's got to be bad for you. Honestly, this Joe fella, Claire could have written this in. Yeah. because it sounds exactly like me and I am convinced because she does. She gets so angry when I fart and I'm a bit like, come on. I'm a living creature. I excrete stuff, don't I? I'm not convinced. Have you ever? And I do. One, I think if you hold your farts in too much, you can cause yourself some problems.

27:17It's trying to get out of your body. you should just let it get out and two i have heard that a fart can come back up into a burp i have heard that but no no but that's not what he said he said the smell as in let's be clear the smell of shit right will come out of my mouth yeah i i just don't think that's ever happened mine are quite powerful aren't they yours are like incredible i mean there were times where like i I feel like people would, I honestly feel like they'd pause like costume checks because the whole area around the cast was like, don't go in there for a bit. Do you remember we'd be filming in the common room and that room was massive.

27:56Yeah. And there'd be people like, honestly, at the other end of the room. Yeah. Like lighting guys and stuff like that. Yeah. You could see it ripple along like the New Year sunrise. It was really, it was really something. Do you remember when we were getting on that plane? Yeah, that was amazing. Yeah. queuing up for a plane you know what do they call it it's all about confined space you're not you know I hate flying I hate it I hate it and the main thing I hate is the turning your queue into a kind of permanent fixture like here's a load of human beings let's just get them to line up there for 45 fucking minutes while nothing happens and what the only thing that makes that worse it's called a sky bridge is that right a sky bridge yeah it's just like we're going across a sky bridge you're just in the you're in that yeah and James farted I had to I really had to we'll come back to that and we could hear a conversation in the queue to the tune of is that a fart no, no fart smells that bad it's the catalytic converter from the airplane I don't think planes have catalytic converters I don't know what a catalytic converter is but what they were saying is that sounds like an industrial process They can make an eggy smell, I think.

29:12Although I'm not 100 % sure of this. It's sulfur dioxide. Because when I used to take driving lessons, the driving instructor was a little old lady. And at least once a lesson, she would go, oh, you can smell the catalytic converter. And in hindsight now, I just think she was farting because she'd been like, her job is to - Oh, she was farting. Because she was just in a car all day long and she's going to have to fart at some point. As I say, she's a living entity. She's a living creature. Yeah, I don't. I have to say, I've heard this from other quarters as well. I don't quite buy this if you don't like the smell of farts.

29:53You're sort of against life. Oh, who likes the smell of farts? No one likes the smell of farts. Okay, fair enough. I'm just saying they're necessary and sometimes you can't help it. I think that maybe if you hold a fart in, it will come out as a different type of fart later. Like, I don't think you have to do the huge, like, like I fart. Yeah. And sometimes I will be like, because I'm alone, I'll be like, I'll do, I'll just do the loud, I'll do the loud farts. Yeah. You know when you're running, you can just do like, and it can ask for like 12 seconds. You do. Actually, that was pretty good. When you do one in a car park.

30:29Yeah. When you know that you're free to do it. In a multi-story car park and it echoes around. It makes me feel like a champ. But what I mean is I know that I've also avoided doing farts of that volume if I haven't really had to. I feel like you can control volume if not whether it comes out at all. I think maybe burps, maybe farts turn into burps, but the idea that it doesn't come. Joe is sort of implying that... Joe's just doing what everyone does. But he's also, he's sort of saying that like, he'll have to go through a horrible experience if he's not allowed to fart because he will feel a fart.

31:09He didn't say a burp. He says, he's very much saying a fart. He'll have to go through the experience of that coming up through his trachea or esophagus, probably esophagus actually, and coming out of his mouth. And he's sort of saying, look, do you really want me to go through that? you know and yeah I get it do you love me and do you love life yeah I get where he's coming from I've had Claire Claire's I've never once had a go at Claire for farting no I I've never once I've never once said no I don't have a go at Hannah for farting if Hannah she rarely farts and if she does I'm almost like please please do it do it I don't I don't have a problem with it honestly do it more Claire's shouted at me from downstairs for farting yeah I've been upstairs and I've really let one rip yeah She's like, I fucking heard that.

32:03Yeah, I mean, look, I just think, I don't think it's, I think you can. Another thing that Claire always. You can affect, you can, honestly, if it was a really, really, really serious situation. Another thing that Claire always says to me as well is, why here? Why did you have to do it here? And I was like, because I'm here. I can't do the fart in a different place to where I am. That's true. Right? Yeah. that's like when like a pregnant lady goes on the red carpet and all the tabloids are like oh she's flaunting her bump you know yeah i mean one time she kicked me out of bed i had to go sleep in the guest room and i was i was having problems okay yeah i wasn't well yeah being forced to leave the entire room if she's thinking it was and also like they were just coming up out of the duvet into her face basically so i sort of get that but what i didn't get was that i was getting kicked out because as i was leaving the room i was like well i'm going into a nice cleared smelly room now so jokes on you i've stunk this one out yeah that's that's like when the naughty kid gets kicked out of class and it's like well yeah so he doesn't have to do oh we're gonna suspend you we're gonna suspend you what does that mean well you it means you don't get to come to school for the next three days you go yeah yeah that's my punishment is it yeah get to watch fucking jeremy carl great yeah he tells you off though doesn't he he does He gets held off by him instead.

33:21He does like telling people off. Right, well, so you're brought to people. We're split, aren't we? I think we are split. I feel this Joe, he's a bit of a sort of rhetorician. I feel sorry for Joe. Joe's just doing something that's completely normal to every single person. And obviously, if you're in a relationship with someone, nine times out of ten, you're going to be with that person. So the one person that I probably spend most of my time with is Claire. Yeah. And if you're around me long enough, I'm going to have to fart.

33:58And I do. I say to her, I don't have a go at you when you fart. She goes, yeah, but mine don't fucking stink out of room or whatever. And I go, yeah, but I don't choose my farts. I can't help farting. And Joe's the same. This poor guy, Joe. And he is. He's worried. But it can come up as a burp. Your fart can come up as a burp. But as I say, that's not quite what he's saying. He's saying, let's just get it up. If I don't fart, it will definitely come out of my mouth. Yeah. That is implying that the fart is coming out of his mouth. Yeah, it does. What do you think it is? Not the fart. A burp might come out.

34:40Listen, I'm... Does it... Before... Stuff doesn't go back up the... It does. and where does all the particles of fart is there with turtles can breathe out their ass oh but is that relevant some turtles can breathe out their ass my son my youngest son yeah he can um yeah he can lie on his back and put his head put his legs up over by his head like so he's holding the back of his knees and he can sort of like breathe breathe in a little bit from his ass and then fart oh my god okay did you never do that when you was a kid like when you got out of the bath or something i'm just trying to imagine what that'd be like i don't think i don't think so i can't do it anymore or at least i don't think so i think i think that's a thing you can only do as a child for some reason but i do remember doing it and it's it feels cold on your own you can feel like a bit of air i've done some weird stuff yeah i've i've never done that never done that no is it just me just me and my son it feels cold i don't think you can do it as an as an adult as i was about to say i don't think you can do it as an adult i think once you go through puberty you lose the power to be able to do that do you i think so i'm throwing out all kinds of theories here.

36:05Should we throw it? I don't remember that in sort of sex education. Your body's going to be going through some changes. I don't remember that. You're probably going to notice hair where it wasn't there before. And also, don't panic if you lose the ability to do the fox. I learned nothing in sex education. Yeah, it was, yeah. They gave us condoms and we just blew them up. And they went whizzing around the room and stuff. And the teacher's going, I'm trying to have a serious conversation. the idea that you're trying you're just mocking about I just I can't I cannot think of any speech whatsoever that is serious enough to withstand people having to like put a condom on a banana while it's happening yeah I just think you could be doing a fucking eulogy and hand out some bananas and condoms and people would be laughing there was lots of stuff at school that I sort of think oh if I was a bit more mature I would have um actually taken something from that if you'd have had that conversation with me now yeah and if you gave me a johnny i was saying yeah what do you want from me yeah yeah i would have still blown it up well they are also like yeah no i mean no i i it's here's an example of what how i did not learn anything about um sort of anything from that sex education class and you know about like blokes and i still didn't really learn how to put a condom on properly it was well into my adult life that i realized that you'd need to pay attention a little bit you just have to i would like them to i would like to here's what i would like to embarrass yourself and not knowing what you're doing and sex education class i would have liked to have them to have gone here's the quickest way to find out what way the condom is that you put it on oh yeah which way it's facing Yeah.

37:55Yeah, that's true. That would have been genuinely – Yeah. The amount of times that the moment's gone because I've been feeling about – Sure. Yeah, yeah. Fucking – and I'm like, I think I've put it on Inside Out or something. Yeah. Can you put it on Inside Out? Surely not. Surely it's just the same thing. I think they're covered in – There's some sort of gunk on them. There's some kind of gunk on the outside of them. Yeah. I feel like it's like – But I didn't learn anything. I didn't learn anything in sex education. I didn't. And like, even as an adult, living with my wife, living with a girl. Yeah.

38:32Being a woman is so complicated. It's complicated, yeah. It is complicated. Even just like, if I wanted to, not that I would, if I left the pub and I was pissed and I just needed to go quickly and there was a bush there or something. Yeah. I can just it's just you know do you know what I mean yeah yeah Claire's had to like squat on the side of the road on the motorway yeah a couple of times yeah although I think and they can't hold it in either yeah although I did hear that like in some ways it's did I hear this or just in some ways it makes the male genitals a bit more sort of it feels like they're a bit safer I'd rather get kicked in the vagina than kicked in the bollocks, that's for sure.

39:26But the trade-off there is just simple things. Like I know which way it's pointing when I'm... Like I don't know how women go. Does it just come out? I don't know. Yeah, I'm getting the nod. Yeah. I mean, I... So complicated. How are we doing it? Are we getting told off? Are we getting told to move on? No, I am... It's really... Look, I give my daughter a bush wee, right? Yeah. And so I lift her. You were saying, yeah. You've got the piss over your feet. Do you want to know where I got the technique from? Literally, Bluey, a cartoon. Yeah. I was like, the mum dog holds up the little dog. And she's, it's just like, get everything right out the way, point the bum that way.

40:10And even then, it just goes fucking, like it's just. Seems mental to me. Because also I've got boys as well. Yeah. Yeah. Like I don't. Yeah. um it is you just point it the way you want it to go and it goes there yeah you can write your name and stuff like if there's snow and things like that yeah you can it's like a sparkler like that piss in the snow and sparkler exactly the same sort of situation it's always bonfire night they are a mystery they are a mystery

40:44what were we talking about anyway we're talking about this spark thing so look basically maybe it comes out as a burp it certainly doesn't come out as a fart and also maybe okay look I honestly think if on one occasion Joe was not allowed to fart and the farts the fart not something else literally the fart so Harriet says to Joe you're not allowed to fart and the fart goes back up through his system and comes out of his mouth as a fart I would say that would only have to happen once and Harriet would say I am so fucking sorry I will never say that nonsense again you fart as much as you want I'm just saying I don't think it happened if it right I don't think it would come out as a fart but it definitely will come out as a burp okay thank you good it's like a sort of audio book

41:46belch James James. This episode feels like low in every sense. Yeah. Because we're both quite tired. Yeah. We haven't really got anything. And then when we have got stuff, it's just all about... It's just all about women pissing. Yeah. Yes. Trying to work it out. Women piss. Yeah. Trying to work it out. Exactly. How do you do it, girls? How can we not know? How can we not know? More than half my life is probably over. Let's get to the bottom. Yeah. let's get to the bottom of this if you don't fart will it come out your mouth is there any science and i i'm saying i'm saying that there is it's we're going head to head on this one i think we are actually i'm saying there is joe's saying there isn't so one of us is going to win so i want to point out that harriet's boyfriend said it will definitely come out as a burp or come out of his mouth yeah definitely definitely so apparently if you don't fart there's three different things that could happen if you hold it in.

42:44Right. You could absorb it into your intestines. Right. And then it can eventually be carried to your lungs and you will breathe it out. Ah, okay. It can move further into your digestive system and then come as a fart later. Yep. Or it can be burped back up depending on where the gas is going in your digestive system. Okay. Okay. Well, I don't, I'm not sure you're claiming victory. I absolutely am. Okay. The words, it can be burped back up. Well, I mean, as Joe's words, it will definitely come out of my mouth. It, what's it? The fart. I mean, I...

43:28Can you... Is there any serious harm you can do to yourself if you don't fart? Okay. That's what I want to know. Because even that will help my pal Joe out. I know Harriet's asked for our support, but I'm Team Joe. You've gone native, haven't you? You were sent in to get information on these people. Avatar, yeah. Yeah. Now you're on their side. Yeah. We're going to find you in a Vietnamese upriver. Yeah. You're part of them now. Yeah. I'm sorry, I'm not going to be helpful here. It says it can cause temporary discomfort, but no serious damage can come from holding in a fart. Right. Okay. Interesting.

44:13It is interesting. I was really hoping. Look, I think that. Because I've been saying to Claire for years, you know, I'll cause myself damage if I don't fart. I think that there's more of a. I'm still going to keep saying that to her. I'm in favour of farting, but just not because I think it will damage you. I'm in favour of farting because I think. I'm with you on them. All the moral stuff is part of life. You don't care if people fart. I don't care if you'll fart. Just do it on your own. Do it behind closed doors. Or do it, you know, judge. Read the room. Read the room. Is this a room where you think a fart will go down well?

44:44Yeah. And it might be. Or a skybridge or whatever. Or a skybridge. Yeah, exactly. Read the funeral. Read the funeral. Is this a funeral that needs a fart or is this a funeral that doesn't need a fart? And honestly, if it was someone who likes a bit of a giggle, Robin Williams or something, I'd bloody love it. He'd loved it. It'd probably be in his last words. Have you seen that video of Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman? I think it's when they're promoting Rain Man. So this is years ago. It's about 35 years ago or whatever. Yeah. And Dustin Hoffman just rips. And he's like, I'm really sorry. We've been here for ages.

45:23And Tom Cruise cannot stop laughing. He's laughing his head off. And they're like, right, carry on, carry on. But they're just done. They're broken. I think they're quite a good example of, you know what? You know the category I put farts into? Yeah. Swearing. Yeah. I do not have a problem with swearing. I just don't. Honestly, what's the worst that's ever going to happen? Well, I think - Compared to violence, compared to - I can understand why more people would have - Extreme pornographic content. Yeah. Swearing? Swearing? I can imagine that people would have more of a problem with farting than swearing.

46:00because the fart does inflict some discomfort onto the person that um i've farted sometimes and even i've been like fucking hell to myself did i tell you that um my daughter did a fart that was so smelly it woke me up genuinely i woke up i was like why am i wait oh that's why i was honestly like it felt like the fart was older than her she's only four i was like that Her fart's 20 years old. Was it her first fart? No, no, this was like, but you know when it's like they smell like they've been in a crypt or something? It's like, oh my God. That's what mine are like. Mine are really heavy. Yeah.

46:39And they don't, they do, they do. I've got a theory as well that, you know, when they come out and they're a bit hot and you're like, oh, that one is going to smell when that registers. I feel like it's heavier than air. so it will just hang about it won't float up into the sky yeah yeah no they they they do sometimes these ones that she was doing that night like that woke me up they they i was like they're still here i've done some sometimes like walking in the street with my with my kids and they're like oh dad yeah and and i am like yeah if you can smell it when you're outside you know you're yeah Yeah, yeah, completely.

47:20Yeah, I'm proud of them. Yeah. Well, I mean, I hope we've done quite well. So like, you know, right for the wrong reasons, wrong for the right reasons. That's clear as much. One of those, yeah.

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48:44Joe is it time for your fact Yeah it is So And it's funny It almost lines up a bit here Because We We've been Sort of thinking about Your heavy farts Yeah I was thinking about clouds I was thinking about the weather Because I just want it to rain Yeah Do you know that a cloud The average cumulus cloud How much do you think that weighs Ah Do you know what Go on it's not really knowledge because i've not retained it but i have been told this sort of thing yeah um i always struggled with the different types of cloud the cumulus i think is the one that um scatter terius or whatever it's called or yeah the cumulus is like the one that you draw if you draw a lovely fluffy cloud lovely fluffy cloud i'm gonna go bottom though don't remember don't forget what was a flat bottom yeah well you should get down the gym yeah um i'll get a bbl what um hit me with it joe because i can't remember what it is and i know it's going to blow my mind the average weight of a cumulus cloud is 500 tons wow clouds are heavy i was going to say a couple of tons that's it's the same as a jumbo jet so when you look at clouds same as a jumbo jet 500 tons yeah what's all this heavy shit doing in the sky It's funny, isn't it?

50:04Yeah, get it on the ground. Why aren't my farts going up there? It is... Well, exactly, yeah. That's their natural home. Yeah. But, yeah. What do you think about that? I think it's... You're more impressed by the fact that a jumbo jet weighs 500 tonnes. All of it. All of it's great. Just anything that weighs 500 tonnes. That's in the sky? Yeah. It's nuts. That's brilliant, though. they're heavy so don't be thinking oh look at those well i always had that problem with um water and i never understood what's fucking heavy yeah what was really heavy and also you know that whole thing like i was very late in life when i realized that if you hit water fast enough it becomes like concrete yeah like because i always used to think if the plane's going down i'll just jump out oh yeah it's going over the ocean yeah i'll just jump out i'll just land in the ocean yeah a cubic meter of water is a ton yes yeah yes so it's fucking what was mental because a ton is a thousand kilograms oh wait a minute a liter i don't know how liters and meters but that just rhymes yeah it's got anything but um thanks for that fact that's a good fact yeah good fact so they're not pillowy they're not they're big fat fucks big fat fucks in the sky The big fat fucks of the sky.

51:33Before we go, Joe, we do have a message from Teagan. And Teagan says, hello, Joe and James. Very important question for you. After you die, would you rather become taxidermy or a wet specimen? Right. Thanks, a fan, Teagan. Right. I've got a question for you, Teagan. What's a wet specimen? I'm guessing that in a jar. Oh, a wet specimen. Oh, like if you go to one of those Victorian museums and like... Or that geyser that cut up the bodies and stuff. what was it it was on at the o2 or something for years for about a year or so yeah uh body works body works yeah um um taxidermy would be funny taxidermy would be funny it's a good question so it's like if you go is it like the victorian museum and it has like a sort of i don't know ferret or something in formaldehyde besides that um i mean they've still got loads of that stuff in the natural history museum and they whenever i to watch a documentary and it's some expert from the natural history museum they go oh we've got one of those sharks in a jar right here yeah um i'll tell you what it's it's uh they that it's it's a good they're both they're both quite freaky and fun aren't they yeah uh taxidermy you'd probably i think i've got more chance of getting taxidermy than being in madam two swords i think if I'm going to there's going to be a second me probably I'd either go taxidermy or head in the jar head in the jar yeah because that was yeah and I'd like put it in my will that my kids have to keep me on the mantelpiece or something just so I'm looking at them and my eyes are open yeah just to really ruin their day the wet specimen I think you I think you lose a little bit of your vigor inside that liquid.

53:24You go a bit pale. You go a bit pale, yeah. But I think it's, I do wear a specimen if I could be lit in a really kind of ghoulish way. Like I'd have lots of green and blue lights. What about a shrunken head? Oh, shrunken head. Okay. Then Hannah could just have it around her neck. Yeah. On a date. On her neck, when she's out again, you know, she'd be out back on the market straight away. I've told Claire. I've told Claire. Get out there. My quote to Claire was, slag it about a bit. yeah yeah go and have some fun yeah absolutely and enjoy yourself yeah there's nothing i can do about it now absolutely but that'd be my condition do what you want but throughout the sexual experience my shrunken head on a cord how did they do that um is it boiling it or something that would just make all the skin come off wouldn't it drying it they dry it out salt it must be salt the best answer I've got is that when I was at school I was in Lord of the Flies and my drama teacher who was quite full on I'd say literally bought a dead pig and an extra head so we had two we had a dead pig and a separate head and him and a load of the sixth form boys stayed behind after school one day and they boiled up the head to make the prop for when the head had been on the pole for ages and it looked fucking crazy.

54:51And I would honestly say also he kept the dead pig. The dead pig. It was a dead pig. He got it from an abattoir. Yeah. And he also got a recording of the pig being killed so he could use it in the play as the recording when the boys kill the pig. Right. And he kept it in what he referred to as backstage, which I refer to as just the changing rooms to the gym. Yeah. And every time you went to the gym, for the next several years, I was at that school, It was only year eight when we did the play. I was there. That was a big memory for you, wasn't it? Big memory for me. You're always going on about when you did Lord of the Brothers.

55:23Do you want to know how I played? Simon, obviously. I always play Simon. Oh, right. Yeah, of course. And you said, kill the pig, spill his blood or something. Yeah, kill the pig, spill his blood, do him in. And honestly, I felt like that changing room smelt of dead pig for like the next several years. I felt like it just smelt of blood. Right. But I don't know. I mean, it was, it looked fucking cool. I will say that much. And they had the fresh head and they had one for when they'd been stuck on the pole for ages. And I suppose that's my best answer for how you do a shrunken head. Basically, get a load of sixth form boys and go, all right, lads, let's have a laugh.

56:00Put it in backstage. And put it backstage. I think they boiled it up in a big pan in his kitchen. They were putting in like salt and they boiled it all down. Honestly, it just, it, it. It sounded like really quite fun, to be honest. It sounded like... All right. Well, I mean... We'll leave it there, shall we? Yeah. I'm all fact out, Joe. Yeah, me too. And we hope that you've learned something or had a nice time. It doesn't necessarily need to have been both, but we'll be back next week armed with more facts chats and arse mishaps. And don't forget you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you want to get to us.

56:40Our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com or our WhatsApp is 07822 034 330. And of course, you can follow us on our social media at joeandjamespod and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details. Bye. See you next week, guys.

57:02Joe and James fucked up. Now what are we going to do?

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57:53St McFlurry, Candy Crush one I've just had a fill-in yesterday Where? He has the same name of one of my brothers I've got a friend whose wife's called Emma And his mistress is called Emma It's very convenient So that's going to happen. Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.