Get OFF Your Bike!

0:00Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments.

0:37You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. When you've got a job to do, Lowe's knows how to help you keep it moving.

1:23My Lowe's Pro Rewards members save more with member volume discounts on eligible orders through a quote of$2 ,000 or more. Plus, save time with job site delivery on select purchases. Not a member? Join for free today. Exclusions, more terms, and restrictions apply. Can't be combined with any other discount, including but not limited to contract and or special pricing. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details at Lowe's.com slash terms. Subject to change. I drove in today and I have said, get off your phone about 50 times. Yeah, yeah. I say it to myself. I try and stop listening to podcasts and then I've just got a podcast in.

1:59Sometimes there's a Martin Amis joke about somebody who craves a cigarette while he's having a cigarette. He's like, oh, God, I really need a cigarette. And I'm like that with podcasts. I'm like... I'm like that with beer. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. yeah just people and I'm not I'm not even I'm not over exaggerating pedestrians in London cyclists in London yeah are they are they trying to do an insurance scam on me all the time I don't know I don't like they're desperate for me to run them over cyclists with their headphones in yeah well they don't what are you doing do you not Just go deaf then. Oh, you don't need it.

2:44Oh, fine. Just go deaf. I didn't realise you don't need one of your senses. It happened at least three times where somebody just walked out in front of me on their phone and then was confused by what was on their phone and slowed down. And I'm like, you're going to get hit by a car. I get into this argument with Hannah where I'm like, I will just walk out at a zebra crossing. And Hannah's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I've got right away. I've got right away. No, but you've got to check, man. But this thing, I kind of think, you have to check anyway. What's the point of the system? Like, if I can see the car light is red, I will assume...

3:24This is... I do think this is interesting because I think there is a level of... There is a level of risk that you just have to accept if you want to have a life. Like, you can't... I mean, otherwise... Yeah, because Hannah says what you said. If the car light is red and I can see and I can't see the car is slowing down I would just be like they'll stop it's my right of way I'll stop I know but sometimes they don't I know when I suppose that's it yeah they might not and yeah if someone if someone walks out in front of me on a zebra crossing I'd be like fair enough that's the rules that's the point of that zebra crossing that's the point when they do it and about a seven second walk yeah is a zebra crossing yeah I'm like why didn't you just go up there I would have stopped for you instead of this situation we're in now where you've nearly gone over my bonnet yeah yeah no it's no it isn't I mean I think I've got and also you do have to look Joe do look at zebra crossings because it's not even it's not even cars now it's cyclists I think they fucking love hitting someone on a zebra crossing as a cyclist honestly they shout like 100 points also I know this is bad but like they are really grumpy and bitchy cyclists They're awful.

4:42They're the worst. They're awful. They're the worst. They feel like the fucking world. What are you doing? Yeah. What are you doing? They look for a fight. They're horrendous. They're so, they're incredibly, they're full of them. They're smug. Right. You get those. I've never met, I've never met any of them where I'm like, okay. Do you want to go for a beer? Yeah, I know. There's not a single one where you're like, oh, they seem nice. Yeah, should we go, should we be mates? They are awful. I know that's bad. But that's your city cyclist, right? and then I've also got a problem with your um the yellow jersey the people the people that oh I've won oh look at me I'm drinking champagne the people on the shores of Lise that are out in the country lanes where there's just enough space for a car to get through that lane anyway yeah and I just think you're so fucking arrogant yeah no I've got to get my exercise in oh I'm holding up all these cars now I know you've all got places to go but I'm cycling and I'm not doing any environmental damage at all.

5:40Being on the bike... I'm right. Being on the bike cuts you a lot of slack for not polluting the world. But they use up all that slack by being such knob-ends. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. And it's a lot of slack. I've said it before. You've used it up immediately. Well done. Because that cut you a lot of slack. But you're such a cunt that you've immediately used all of it up and the next bit as well. I do think the blokes that think they're in the Tour de France on a Sunday afternoon in the country lane with the Lycra. Yeah. It's a bit, they are perverts, aren't they? It's a bit much. I do want to go, you need your hard drive looking at.

6:19Something's going on there. I don't need to see every part of your body. No. It's fine. Don't want to see any of it, really. No, not really. I don't really like it. I'm not a big fan of the human body to begin with. No, not really. I think it's all quite grim. I think I'm very in favour of like, I'd be very happy if the... There's a handful of... If the Pinces and Balls were just always in a cup, I just think that should be like a mound. Yeah. We should bring back the codpiece. Yeah, but not a willy-shaped codpiece. No. Just mound it, a grave. Not the Black Adder, right? Put it in a grave, mound it.

6:51You're like a freshly dug grave. Yeah. That's what I want to be over the top of my Pinces and Balls. We should use what Christopher Reeves used in Superman. Yes. I think they flattened his penis down. Yeah, that's what I mean. Yeah. I watched the documentary and I can't remember who said that. I think it was the costume designer or something. And he was like, it even needs to be really big or not at all. Yeah. And I don't know what, I still don't know what that means. Who said that? The costume designer? The costume designer of the Superman costume. Well, no, I suppose in a way I sort of understand that because it's like.

7:26Either do it or don't. There is nothing worse, really, than just a sort of mediocre knob. Do you know what I mean? It's just so bad. If you've got the biggest knob in the world, you have to say, well done. But anything other than that. I would be doing this podcast without trousers on right now. Yeah, absolutely. No, you wouldn't.

7:49You'd be doing something. You'd have a job. And also, you know, but let me just do an uno reverse on you there, Queen Lily, mate. You know, ladies are like, oh, I dress for the female gays. I dress for the girls. I'd be getting out for the blokes. I'd be going fucking, eh, high fives. Yeah, come on. I wouldn't be doing it for the girls. So, yeah. No, to me. That wasn't the reason why I was complaining by the way. What? Because I was trying to impress you with my big knob? but to me it's like the knob is like it's like a record if it was a record breaking like if you've made like the world's biggest Jaffa cake yeah I'll go and have a look at it yeah but if it's just a Jaffa cake I'm like didn't they have the bloke put it back in the packet didn't the do you know what I mean it's like if it well you can get mini Jaffa cakes or you used to be able to okay again if you've got the world's smallest knob like well done right I will but you know I'll have a look at that yeah It'd be a bit harder, but not that way.

8:58Imagine you have the world's smallest snob, but when you had an erection, it was the world's biggest snob. Yeah. Imagine that. That would be the ultimate biggest contrast. Yeah. I tell you what, three categories, actually. You're like a snapping turtle. There's three categories, aren't there? Smallest, biggest, and biggest change. Biggest change. Most improved. Most improved, yeah. That's what I'm going for. Most improved. I get attendance. Attendance is good. Discipline. Turned up. Discipline. Never got involved in anything. Never got booked. Clubman. Journeyman. Oldest. Oldest. Still playing.

9:36Oldest, but still playing. I'm going to go for that as well. Your shoes look cleaner than they did last week. That's because I, honestly, on the tube, I cleaned it with a bit of my own saliva. Right. I couldn't wait. And I honestly thought, I know. I couldn't wait to be like, that's your trainers after a week. No, I know. But I'm disappointed. These are now my, well, as I say, I'm copying Jordan North from. Sexted. Sexted. With these where he said, I could, I just, there's a little clip where he said he had his, he had his, his work trainers. I think he literally keeps them in the office. And I thought, yeah, I'll do that.

10:20I mean, I'm not keeping them in the office. No. Because I'd have to wear all the shoes in and it'd be odd. Yeah. So you're not copying Charles? No, exactly. So not doing anything at all. You just heard a clip. That is such a great cross-section of this podcast. Just no consequence, just words. No, I want you to actually. No, I am in as much as I don't really wear them other than for the podcast. I do wear them in, but I don't wear them. Because the problem with those other ones, bless them, the other… Arigato. Is it Axel and Arigato? I don't actually know. They should be sponsoring the podcast.

11:03I'm just saying, like, I'm… I mean, anyway, why would they? I'm paying them. Exactly. Why would they need to? I mean, it'd be good if… It'd be amazing for you if they sponsored this podcast and gave you free trainers. Okay, at the moment, you don't sponsor the podcast. Your podcast money is all going on trainers. You just need to give me exactly£500. Right, okay. Give me£500. But what do they get out of it then if they're not sponsoring the podcast? I keep fucking talking about them. Right, okay. That's what they get out of it. I don't know if they've got... Anyway, the other ones, bless them.

11:36They didn't launch you very long. I wore them every day. It didn't occur to me that you're not supposed to wear... To me, a shoe is really just like a shell of a tortoise. It's always out. It's just part of your skin. Yeah. It's like your hair. I know you have lots of pairs of shoes. Yeah. And actually, I can see now that that... I've been wearing the same pair of shoes all summer. I've gone vans. I had a mate at university who he had... he came from the countryside and he had a mate who, and they all used to kind of play out all summer in the fields and stuff. And when they were teenagers, his mate didn't take his boots off all summer.

12:22He would just put his feet over the end of the bed and then like pull his trousers down. So he could just sort of sleep like that. Well, with his trousers around his ankles. Yeah. And then when he wakes up, he just pulled them back up. Wow. And by the end of the summer, the boots had grown into his feet. He had to be like cut out of them. Having said that, it now makes me think that that isn't true. That does sound made up, doesn't it? Maybe it's not. I don't know. Am I not? Yeah, anyway, yeah. It's the countryside, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? No one really knows. No one knows what goes on in there.

13:02They're very secretive. What goes on on farms? Honestly. I don't know, man. I look at them. They've got so much land. You're never allowed in. So much land. They're grumpy as well. And they'll shoot you. They'll shoot you if you go anywhere near it. Yeah. Drive it! Who was that bloke? Was it like in the 80s or the early 90s or something that just shot a TV report live on television? Was it a bloke who shot himself? No, it was this geezer who was a bit of an eccentric, but all he really wanted was just to be left alone. and the council were like, oh, you've built something. You need to, I might be getting this muddled up.

13:40But the council, and it became this sort of like David versus Goliath thing where he was going, no, look, it's my land and nothing to do with you. I'm not hurting anyone. I just built like this little shed or whatever. And people really got behind this guy. Okay. And it became like a national news story. It's very hard for the council to get for them to be like the hero. Do you know what I mean? No one really was like, oh, the council. There's something very heroic about them. Yeah, I can't remember the last time I thought, thanks, council. But on the day where the council was going to, like, bulldoze this structure or something, news reporters turned up, like a TV news reporter was turned up.

14:24Right. And he had, like, an old World War I revolver or something. Right. And he was, like, swinging it about. And he just shot – he was off camera, but he shot the bloke that was interviewing him. And then there was a standoff for ages. Bloody hell. And then something happened. So the guy who didn't kill him? I think he shot a couple of people. I think he might have killed one person and injured another person. Okay. And then there was a standoff then. And it was like, oh, fuck. Giza's got a gun. And he sort of retreated into his caravan or something like that. Right. And they were trying to do some sort of negotiation.

15:04Oh, they were trying to get a telephone to him or something. They were trying to sort of negotiate with him, tell him to come out, put the gun down and come out. And I think he asked for something. And when he went out to collect it, or it was a phone, they chucked a phone. And when he went out to collect the phone, they realized that he left his gun inside and they just tackled him. Yeah. He's going to be even more of a, I mean, that's not the opposite. He already doesn't, he already thinks people don't trust him. Yeah. Now look. But a lot of people. He's like the dinosaur in Jurassic Park. But even once he got caught, I think he killed someone.

15:39But a lot of people are like, oh, let him off. Yeah, no, it's funny, isn't it? I know. It's the state poking their business into private affairs. It's funny, isn't it? Yeah. So what he'd done, he'd built a thing and he wasn't meant to. He was unsafe. Something like that. I might be talking absolute bollocks. But he did shoot a geezer on live television. He probably, again, he probably had people on his side up until that point. Apparently, he was obsessed with guns and fires or something. Fires, yeah. Fires. Military. Yeah. But apparently I am as well. I'm getting a lot of gun stuff coming up on my Instagram.

16:20Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like the Thompson and the M1 Garand and stuff like that. sort of old antique guns. Do you ever recommend any really big guns? Like cannons? Cannons. I'd get a cannon, that'd be a laugh. Because the balls are like, they're fun, aren't they? They're sort of... I'd love to fire a cannon. Yeah. Imagine firing a cannon. Be good, wouldn't it? Yeah. Because they look like a gun designed in a cartoon. I wonder if you could... They've just literally got the big ball. I wonder if you could tie a rope to the cannonball and then the other bit to your ankle or something and then just fire it.

17:04I thought they were going to say so you'd get it back. You'd only have one ball. You'd do it like a paddle. It's a bungee jump. You'd fire it at the castle and then it'd destroy them a bit. Then you'd have to go and knock and you'd go, oh, I'm really sorry. We've only got one. Can we have it back? Do you reckon they ever did that? We've only got one. And there was like a siege during the, during the crusades or something. I reckon they probably did go and collect them and bring them, and bring them back. They'd fire, they'd fire a cannonball into the walls. Yeah. Of like roads or something like that.

17:32And, uh, and then they just went, oh, sorry, my ball went in your garden. Can we give it back? Can we get our ball back please? Yeah. Yeah. I think, I mean, that'd be, it'd be, it'd be cheeky. they'd be like it's cheeky yeah but you'd be like if someone put a cannonball into my house and then not for it and said can I be back I've only got one I probably would go oh fuck it alright yeah I was about to say I thought you were going to go I'd tell him to fuck off or something no no I wouldn't no I wouldn't oh um here it is I think it got a bit scratched against my walls yeah yeah

18:22we get milk delivered fired in we get milk delivered and eggs nice every two days but i don't even i don't even necessarily even want it like the other day i had to ask our we're always going away and then the milk is just sat there and it's going off that's uh yeah that's um you've got to cancel cancel your um milkman yeah but it's basically just um it's because the guy who offered it to us i he knocked on the door and i was so sort of bamboo i i didn't yeah yeah you are yeah you are a phone scammers yeah yeah dream wet dream he knocked on the door and he said something and then he said i'm sure you've heard of us we're the milkman i literally literally hadn't heard what he'd said so i was faced with it was like hello i'm from i'm sure you've heard of us and i was so like embarrassed that i you know when you're just out of the conversation you haven't heard something you're like i'm out of this now i'm out i don't know i'm totally untethered now and when i realized that he was talking about milk I was so grateful that I was back in the conversation.

19:39I was like, oh, milk, milk. Yeah. And he was like, so do you want to sign up? I was like, yes. Yes. And he was like, don't just get milk though. I assume you want some other stuff as well. I was like, yeah, definitely. And he was like, chocolate milk. They do also, you can basically get your whole week shot from them. Right. They do. And he was like, do you want some eggs? I was like, yeah. And then, honestly, it was a miracle I got out of that conversation just with the eggs and the milk. And we get them all the fucking time. Like there's honestly, at times in, like there've been points recently, this is bad because this is a waste of food, which I hate.

20:18I'm just going through the fridge being like, they're out of date. They're out of date. How many eggs? Half a dozen? No, we get six. Six. We get six every two days and a pint of milk. The very first time the eggs came, I don't know what happened, but the time I got to them, The entire packet was empty. And they just... Foxes? Fox. A fox had got in and just shredded it. Yeah. And... They love eggs, foxes. Honestly... If you wanted to get foxes into your garden, leave eggs. Leave eggs out. They fucking love an egg. Well, I'm belt and braces because it's already known to be a fox haven. Yeah. And now I'm providing a buffet.

21:02Fox butlins. it's like a caravan set for foxes what's going to happen when you go when you eventually sort of sort the garden out i'm going to have those foxes yeah i don't know i'm going to have to like put a bench in the garden or something saying in memory of in memory of one eye one eye old one eye one eyed fox yeah and his mate his mate two eye one eye's always there he's always just slinking out.

21:33Welcome to Joe and James Facts Up, a podcast loosely about facts, but is more about the chats. If you do want to get in touch, our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is 07822034330. And you can follow us on socials at joeandjamespod. And Joe, you can watch our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple podcasts. Just search for Joe and James Facts Up. Now, Let's get fact up.

22:26Exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average.

23:03See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. This ad is sponsored by ZocDoc. Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call? Or maybe you've been meaning to find a new dentist, but you have no idea where to start. I find that's especially true when you move. It's hard to find your people. I've been there, which is why I use ZocDoc.

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24:58right unbelievable straight in straight in just so i've seen it and you know what i'm like we've already spoken about this one i don't know we haven't no and this is an interesting one because, again, they've... I'm sure this was, like, one of our examples for what Pun Believable could be. I feel like maybe you guys have touched on it, but I feel like this is an officially sent in one. It's not made it into the edit. I don't know. No one knows. I don't mean... No one here listens to the podcast. No, I listen to it, but I don't remember. I listen to it right now. But I did know this one, but it's, you know...

25:34Anyway, should I do it? Yes. Pun Believable, obviously, puns that you didn't realise were puns until just now. That's the unbelievable part of That's the unbelievable, yeah. Unbelievable. But you've got to believe it. I've been saying this for years. I didn't realise it was a pun after all this time. Yeah, yeah. And it's unbelievable that I was so stupid. Yeah. How could I not see? There's levels. There's loads of levels. So this is from At Artvid, 1915. So congratulate you. So born in 1915. My goodness. Artvid 1915. Okay, 111-year-old Artvid from YouTube.

26:23And it's Art Attack. Yes. It took me to the age of 20. So actually, that was ages ago for them. Yeah. Oh, yeah. To figure out. Ironically, years before the television was even. Years before it came out. Yeah. decades before yeah it took me to the age of 20 to figure out it's meant to be a pun on heart attack so morbid for kids I agree it is a morbid one I got it heart attack I did get that one when I was a kid because it was all like there was a it was a there was a flashing light there was an alarm and it was like oh this is an art attack oh that's right this is an art attack this is art attack and he'd always do a big art attack wouldn't he yeah the big art attacks were brilliant yeah Oh, my God.

27:07Yeah. Yeah. I got as excited as I did as a child watching, trying to work out what it was. Trying to, oh, I wonder what it's going to be. What's he going to do? What's he going to do? What is it going to be? Yeah. And then it. I'm more excited. I was more excited then than I was like having sex or something. Yeah. No, I think I, I, I think I. If I could go back to the age of six, I think. Is there any way of having sex while you're doing a big art attack? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. As an adult. As an adult? Yeah, yeah. As an adult, yeah. There'll be some videos on the internet, surely. You can shoehorn anything into porn, I think.

27:45Yeah, yeah. It's horses for courses. And I'm not kink-shaming, each to their own. You're certainly not kink-shaming. I think you're kink-praising. Absolutely. Yeah. Topping from the bottom. What? Yeah, I don't know what you mean. Well, actually, I don't, but I'm happy to just carry on. I learned what that meant recently. topping from the bottom yeah because it's on the sopranos where ralph sifaretto likes to be topped from the bottom so it's his rules he's in charge but he likes to be told that he's a little bitch and stuff okay yeah i like the thing because tony soprano tony soprano's sister's going yeah am i going to put you back on the street whore did you make me make me any money today bitch and he's going, yeah, baby, I made you money.

28:31Yeah, that's right. The other thing that's surprised I like is that it's like, it's gay to like go down on a woman, is it? Yeah. And it's not gay for a man to give you a blowjob. I really like, we probably spoke about this, but like, you know that documentary about Fyre Festival? Yeah. Where the guy's trying to get all his water in through customs and to his mate, he's like, listen, man, there's no way they're going to let the water in. You're going to have to suck the guy off. Yeah. And then the guy who's in charge of getting the water in is like, I don't want to be sucked off by a bloke because I'm not gay.

29:10And they're like, yeah, but a blowjob is a blowjob. And he's like, not really. Like, it's incredible. They were like, they thought that was the... Oh, come on. That was incredible. A blowjob's a blowjob, surely. It was incredible. I just, yeah. Of all the lack of judgment that he showed, That was the one where I was like... That was brilliant, that documentary. They didn't have any bands. No. Didn't have any... Didn't have any anything. They just had an island. They hired Pablo Escobar's sort of private island, the old Escobar sort of private island. And the family were like, you can hire it, but you're not allowed to tell anybody that it's here.

29:48And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Next day, basically, on social media, they were like, it's on Pablo Escobar's private island. And the family were like, yeah, so you can't have it now. Right. Because we said you couldn't do that and you've done it. Then they hired somewhere else. And I just felt like it wasn't as good. I think he was trying to do another one, that guy. I think he was trying to do another. He kept on being like, right, we're going to make some money. Okay. It's a private pod. It's$20 ,000 a night. And they're like, what is the pod? He's like, we'll build the pod. And it was just like a - But when you get down to the basics, how difficult is it really to put on a - You just find a place, you book some acts, you sell some tickets.

30:27They're the three main things. He didn't really do the middle one there, did he? No. That was the one that he needed to do. But there was also, was it called Take Heart or Drawing With Heart? Yeah, yeah. Tony Hart. That was where, what's his name? Tony Hart. No, the little plasticine fella. No, no. So bad at it. What? What that? Oh, no, no, that. No, that was the head. That was an heart attack. Yeah, that was a heart attack. Heart attack. Heart attack, sorry. But the other one, that was, what was it called? Morph. Yeah, it was Morph. Yeah, Morph.

31:02And the white one was a little dickhead. There was another one, wasn't there? Yeah, Morph was just trying to like, the other one was like, yeah. Always trying to fuck shit up all the time. Just fucking behave yourself. Yeah. Take heart. Take heart. But that was... Morph's friend was called Chaz, just so you know. Chaz. Don't see much of Morph these days, do you? No. And this is only recent. I remember when my kids were little, I bought them morph kits where you got some plasticine. It was morph-branded plasticine. I bet it cost a fortune. What's clever about this plasticine is you can use it to make morph.

31:40My kids, oh, you probably will miss this. I don't know if it's still a thing because my kids are on the other side now. So you're a little one. but fucking homemade gunge slime, homemade slime was this thing and it was like oh you can just, you've got all this stuff in your kitchen first of all it was fucking impossible to make, it never went the way it did and then I was getting so fed up trying to make homemade slime because my kids had watched a load of YouTube videos about how easy it was to make homemade slime but it was all American ingredients that we spoke about before that don't care about chemicals and things like that so it never really worked here yeah i know that they have access to this whole pantry of weird stuff that we just don't so then the people that all my kids were watching that were making homemade slime brought out their own slime that you could buy so i was like all right birthdays and christmas is like i'll get them slime and then after after a bit of that i was like i'm banning it i'm banning the slime it's fucking everywhere yeah the dog's gonna die the dog like yeah i'm walking in slime yeah yeah no okay yeah it's um dog's gonna eat it it's yeah i'm banning slime and i play and i banned plasticine as well and i tried to ban chalk on the slabs i'd come home from work or something and i and claire'd let the kids out and they'd they'd be chalked up.

33:08Oh, that. Oh, James. For fuck's sake. How could you ban that? Because it looked untidy. Oh, hopscotch. Oh, it's the salt of the earth, isn't it? And there'd always be a joke. Oh, no, I was with you children. I can't, you can't, you can't ban some little tiddlers with a chalk on the playground. Well, let me tell you, Joe. The good old days. Let me tell you. Hashtag the good old days. It was a little bit spiteful and pathetic from me. I'll be honest with you, because it would be me going out to work, trying to pay the bills trying to get everything done yeah yeah yeah and it's like it's the summer holidays and Claire and the kids are at home mucking about with chalk and it'd be like oh um Claire Jude and Harrison forever in a love heart and then it'd be like dad's a stinky poo and I'd come home to that and be like do you know what you can all go fuck yourself and ban in it and ban in the chalk now well you could have done your own heart with you in it and then there do you know what if I made it into the heart yeah or if there was a little like oh we love dads or something like that I'd be like oh do you know what It's always the way.

34:07But one, I didn't want the chalk there in the first place. And two, they're slagging me off in the chalk as well. Well, honestly, I think whenever there appears to be a kind of ideological outcast, it always began when they just weren't included. And they'd be laughing in my face. They'd find it hilarious. Yeah. Honestly, they'd be like, oh, Dad's going outside. He's reading the stuff. Watch him. Watch him. And then they'd watch me go. Yeah. Yeah. And they'd be cracking up. Yeah. I'll be right, right. Well, if you're going to bully me, that's it. Yeah. No, I was going to say, it's what we're talking about, isn't it?

34:40It's bullying. I think that's why I've had the chalk, I'll be honest. But we do have a voice note. We've got another pun believer. We've got a voice note from Sam. Here we go. Let me check. I've got a sound. Okay. This is a two-parter. Right. So I would like you to reserve your thoughts too much. A two-part voice note? Yes. So we received one, and then shortly after, we received a second. So there's a follow-up. Yes. Okay. Hello, Joe and James. I've got a pun believable from the English language. Just incredible, really. I've just discovered it. And it's sort of made me rethink a lot. And I don't really know what else to say.

35:24So sand, it's in between sea and land. and it is named Sand commonly found in between sea and land all the best

35:44thanks for that Sam we do appreciate it do you want to hear Sam's follow up? yeah hang on let's listen to his follow up I'm just rethinking now I don't even know if that's a pun yeah maybe it's not even worth showing is it a pun? I don't know what you'd call it but I thought you'd find it interesting brilliant I love it I've never heard somebody I fucking love the attitude it's like he's inside my head that's exactly what would have been my thought process it would have been like it's quite right yeah I think it's a new category it's not pun believable

36:31it's something isn't it is there any is it true what you said at all whatsoever? I don't think that can be true it's a good way of remembering what it's called 100 % that stuff on the beach between the sea and the land, sand it's quite sort of cryptic crossword land it's quite sort of cryptic like you'd say like can we west now yeah

37:07yeah you would form it yeah I honestly think there probably is a cryptic crossword clue out there where the solution is the word sand and it's something to do with like land with the top taken off or the word and and you get the esherence of that. Yeah, there is a thing though, isn't there? You can sort of crush words together, can't you? Yeah, you can. Create something. Yeah, you can. I mean, should you though? Should you? Should you. James, do you want to guess where the words origins trace back to? Sand. Germanic. Correct.

37:53Germanic, Arabic, Latin. It is Germanic, is it? Yep. Sandum. Sandum. Sandum. Hey, Joe. Yeah. It is time. No, but that was good, though. Do you want to just move on from? Yeah. Yeah, we've got to keep going. No, but have we done enough? I think we've given Sam way more effort than he gave us. I think it was nice that he followed up. I want him to come back. Yeah. I've never really, he's completely in tune with the pod as a whole. Absolutely. Yeah. That was a real snapshot of our listener. I've got a fact for you. You might find it interesting. Yeah, let's go. No, I'm doing my impression of Sam.

38:46Oh, sorry. So that's what I mean. Yeah, it was seamless. No, no, it was, yeah, it was absolutely. It was seamless. Yeah. Right, let's go. Yeah. No, Sam's actually got a fact. Actually, thinking about it, I don't think it is. I don't think it is a pun believable. So anyway. Because he claimed, he originally claimed that he'd turned his whole world upside down or whatever he said. And then instantly he was like, actually, no. Yeah. No, I don't think so. It was really... Sam, if you'd like to be a regular contributor, please feel free. Honestly, yeah, keep... Feel free. But it is time for fact check.

39:23Here we go. This is where we read a fact or a question that you would like us to get to the bottom of. Then we're going to have a good old think during the break and we'll come back to let you know how true it feels to us and to decide whether it passes our fact check. Yep. Over to you, Joe. Right. So this week's fact check comes from Amanda. And this is what? Amanda Hug and Kiss. That's not the first time I've done that. I need Amanda Hug and Kiss. I want to thank Amanda for this fact. So I'm just looking for Amanda Hug and Kiss. Why can't I find Amanda Hug and Kiss? It's not that. No. This is what Amanda says.

40:05Hello, can you guys fact check this fact? My boyfriend doesn't believe me, but all my life I have believed this to be true. Apparently all babies are born with blue eyes and eye color develops after a few months. I told my boyfriend with confidence and he didn't believe me. So now I'm thinking that it's actually not true. well he's gaslighting you thanks guys love the podcast it's the highlight of my tuesday mornings right right first of all don't be well hang on i always do this we need to go to the break yeah and then we'll discuss okay fine about we'll talk about baby's eyes

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43:38all right welcome back to joe and james facts up and we were just fact checking on behalf of amanda hug and kiss who wanted to know if all babies are born with blue eyes here's my initial thoughts joe Yeah. I've also believed this. I've had two babies. Yeah. I can't remember. Yeah. I can't remember what the colour their eyes are when they were born. I've also heard that your eyeball stays the same size. Yeah, I've heard that as well. Your eyeball is the same. That's why babies always look like they've got such great big eyes. Yeah. And they've got big heads as well. Like in a baby, the head is like a fifth of the height of the whole thing, whereas in an adult, it's more like a tenth of the height.

44:24And also, again, can't remember which one it was, one of my kids came out with a really freaky cone head. Yeah. Because you know, like, they've got a soft bit on their head. And that terrified me as well. So I was constantly, I was like, especially when Jude was born, I was like, Harrison, don't touch the baby's head. Because sometimes you can see it, like, pulsing. Well, they've all got that bit. It's called the... Well, because they have... Is it called that soft bit? Well, their skull still... Their skull still hasn't... The tellum? I don't know. Fontella or Fontella? Fontella. Fontanella. Fontanelle?

45:04Fontanelle, I think. Fontanelle is that soft bit. It's fucking terrifying. You're like, can someone just please put a manhole cover on that or something? Well, it's because the baby's head has to be in a shape where it can come out. Of course it does, yeah. And also, I would say... Because babies are undeveloped. When my one was born, right? Yeah. Hannah's one, I guess. Yeah. Thanks. Just, her head looks squashed. Yeah. And now, I'm like, yeah, it's just the shape of her head. It is honestly like God has made them out of clay. Well, no, it's because... You know, what's that thing in the Bible where it's like, oh, it's just formed...

45:41Is it in the Bible? No, it's not God, it's... AI. they're all AI aren't they no but they are they're not developed I'm so good enough with this AI slot I'm about to do an actual fact for you Joe go on then babies aren't developed you know when you see like a giraffe being born and Attenborough's there yeah yeah yeah oh look at that yeah yeah and it just it can walk immediately and it's just fucking running around yeah yeah right if if you humans were supposed to do that the baby would be fucking massive no that's true and it wouldn't get out no and do you know what it is brains It's the old brain.

46:15The brains are so big. The heads are so big. They're like, we can't wait any longer. He's got to come out now. He's done it now. He's not coming out. So the baby is still sort of doing what other animals would do in the stomach. Some people call it the fourth trimester. In the belly. That first bit where you're like, they can't do shit. They're all constantly on the point of death. You can't put them anywhere. They can't, like, you've got to be so careful. They can't even lift their own heads up when they're born. They're useless. They are. They really are. And they have... I'm not a fan of babies.

46:44Claire likes babies. I thought they were boring when they were babies. I did. I like it when they start sort of, you know, getting a bit cheeky and a bit funny and stuff. Yeah. And they're just babies. It's just fucking boring. They keep you up all night. I quite like to remind my mom as a baby because it's so manageable. You're just like, you don't even really have to. People that are going to have babies, I was going, don't worry. The first bit, it's almost just the same as when you didn't have a baby. Like, it's just, you can just put them. No, they get way more mad. It doesn't sound rude, but it's just a bit like having a bag.

47:16Like, you can go to a party. No, a bag that's constantly pissed off and shitting itself and throwing up over itself. No, but even the shit, it's not like, until they start eating normal food, even the shit's basically just made out of milk. It's just like a yellow sort of case. But you can't even go, what? What do you want? No, you can't. No, no. Like, even my dog is better at letting me know what it needs than a baby. but then when they do know when they can talk and they tell you what they want it's all stuff you can't do like oh I want to sit in my baby seat but I want to face backwards so even the language doesn't it's not you can't do it like it may be in English but it's not possible yeah but anyway I do think that I'm not sure whether it's blue but I do think they all have a kind of bog standard colour when they come out and then you don't really know is it because maybe they haven't seen any sun has that got anything to do with it it's a very poetic it's high poetry they're really pale when they come out as well I'm like fucking get a tan I got my one straight down the sunbed straight in there well to be fair that's a bit dangerous I just fake tanned mine well you just dunk them in you hold a toe dunk them in, bring them out like Achilles and you pop them on a bit of kitchen roll That's a niche joke.

48:40I just made it. I like that. Achilles. Yeah, it's good. The Achilles heel. That was the only bit of a... The only bit that wasn't tanned. Yeah. No. No, you look so sad. Oh, God. You're looking buff. Oh, wait a minute. Oh, God. He's got a very pale ankle. Oh, and he's like, no, that was just when mummy was dunking me. And they're like, who? Forget it. But I think this is true. I'm not sure it's blue, but I think it's true. I've heard the same thing. And baby's eyes are the same size when they're adults. I'm not sure if that's true. You can't tell what colour a baby's eyes are going to be when the baby is born.

49:14That is true. Whether or not they're blue, you know. I was blonde as a child. I had blonde hair for the first few years of being alive. I did too. Also, people thought I was a girl. People used to constantly think my kids were girls. They did have long hair, to be fair. and they're quite, they do, the pair of them do quite look like Claire. Yeah. So they're quite pretty. Yeah. Well, I mean, also I find it quite sweet because my daughter, like all her pronouns are just like all over the place. Like she'll just be like, they'll be, and her cousins as well, because they're boys. Like when they're talking about her, they'll just be like, I think he wants to do this.

49:58It's quite, it doesn't mean to think, you know, they don't have a very strong sense of gender. It's quite sweet really. Anyway, let's find out if baby's little baby blue, little blanket blue baby boy. Yes, there you go. Is little blanket blue baby boy or not? Or no? That's a Bob Fossil joke. Oh, is it? Yeah. So I've gone to Pampers on this. They've done a little article about this. They're the go-to people. They know about babies. Well, they know about babies. And they've said it's a common belief that babies are born with blue eyes, but this is actually a myth. Sorry, Amanda. Baby's eyes tend to be blue or grey if they're light skinned and brown if they're darker skinned.

50:40Okay. And this is partly due to the lack of pigment. So James, you're on the right sort of track. So what will happen is they may develop pigment with time as they're exposed to light. So also, as you said, Joe, that they may turn out a color when they're first born. But when they're exposed to more light, their eye color may change. Well, I mean, I have to say... Change this thing about they haven't seen the sun yet. Yeah, get them on the sunbed straight away. Get them on the sunbed. If you want to know soon. Yeah, if you want to hurry the process. Look, these days, we don't want to wait around to get answers about our children.

51:15No. I want to know now. That's where sunbeds come in. Yeah. They say it obviously depends on your genetics and your melanin. That's those two main factors. So not necessarily sunbeds. No, not necessarily. That's information from Pampers. Yeah. Well, well done, Pampers. And I'm pleased that you're out there conducting academic research as well as... I didn't... Cashing in on babies. Yeah. Yeah. To be fair, well, they are good Pampers. I mean, we kind of thought we... I mean, my parents did this as well. And honestly, well done. But like lunatic hippies, the pair of them. But they had like terry nappies, which is just basically a towel.

51:58Right. And the baby just shits all over it. And then you wash it. Yeah. I know, but I mean... Have you seen reusable toilet paper? What? It's a thing that you can get. I've found out about it. Well, it's just a... I mean, is that just a flannel? Yeah, so... So they basically have, like, tear-aways, like you would have a normal loo roll. Right. But it's, like, material that all sort of attaches to one another. So you can take, like, a square or something. I see, I see, I see. Depends. Like post-it notes. I imagine it's, like, little... You know, these little buttons, these little sucker buttons is what I imagine.

52:31and you can wipe yourself and then pop it in the washing machine and reuse it. I mean, it makes sense. And in a way, I don't know. It is a bit... I'd be terrified if I went around someone's house. I don't know why. We have a bidet and we've never... Oh, I'd love a bidet. Hannah treats this bidet like it's a kind of forbidden grave or something. She won't go near it. We've never been allowed to turn it on. She hates it. I love a bidet. I think, like, what's wrong with... That's cleaner. Absolutely love a bidet. That's cleaner. And also, it's the best thing. if you just use water no soap or any chemicals do you ever do the thing and is it alright that I do this where you have the handheld shower and if you haven't done a shit you just put it right up your arse is that allowed?

53:13I think that's douching depends that's douching isn't it? depends what you mean by right up your arse no just the water but say if it's a nice powerful jet onto the sphincter is that alright or is that a bit pervy? are you putting the setting a bit more black like you making the water pressure harder I'm getting it to vibrate as well I say also it's not when I say it's a shower it's not a shower it's a dildo and there's no water coming out of it and I don't use it in the shower I don't use it in the shower that's okay because I do think the British people are like oh b-days are dirty but it's like no no we're the dirty ones and I'll tell you what I really My shower head's attached to the ceiling, so it'd be really difficult.

54:02That's why you're so flexible. I'd have to do a handstand. I'm doing a thing at the moment in the shower. I don't know if it's an age thing where if I'm washing my hair and I keep my eyes closed enough, I become disorientated. Honestly, I nearly... That is an age thing. I had to like grab the wall the other day. I nearly fell through the glass. Oh, God. Don't keep your eyes closed. Because my eyes were closed. My eyes were closed and I was doing that and I was sort of like rocking my head a little bit and then I was like, oh shit, I don't know where I am anymore. And tell me this, are you seeing like a tunnel with bright lights at the end and all your old grandparents going, come on, James, come on.

54:40Don't stop closing your eyes, man. I don't, don't do it. I don't want shampoo in my eyes. Not yet, not yet. Just. I'd rather have shampoo in your eyes. Not yet, man. But you're playing with fire there. You don't, you're dancing on the edge of the craze. just just to come back to eyes that's mental yeah that's i i did look it up and adults eyes do grow they do grow so so roughly a baby's eyes is 16.5 millimeters and an adult's can grow up to 24 wow so your eyes do grow but i still think they're they're pretty big and it is and babies they are cute and I always think with a baby it's like the ultimate if you needed a definition of soft power and people talk about soft power the definition of that is a baby because we are falling over ourselves to look after them they run the place they get whatever they want yeah that is and it's basically because they're cute I'm not just like obviously you know humanity and empathy and all this stuff but like but basically like they my daughter never ever asked me to take care of her.

55:47She never, ever said, you have to. She didn't put a gun to my head. She didn't say, I'll pay you or I'll fuck you up if you don't do it. I just did it. If anyone's gaslighting anyone. It's these babies. They're fucking, some of them are. Some of them are. Yeah. One of them, one of mine was when they were a baby. Fucking like psychological just sort of masterminds. They really are. And you do, you find yourself in a situation and you go, how the fuck did this happen? I know, I know, I know. It's, yeah, it's real David and Goliath stuff and you think, my goodness, look at me. Look at me. Do you ever see a man and he's just cycling on a bicycle and behind him he's got a giant cube and in it are like three children.

56:37It's like a pop-up tent. Yeah, and I'm just like, he's like a mule. Yeah, yeah. And I go, look at you. Yeah. That's it for you, isn't it? You've been mugged right off. That's that, isn't it? Luckily enough, on the whole, they're pretty well behaved, my kids. They're all right. But I don't know why that is. Because they've not really had a strict upbringing or anything. But I don't think you need... But we do have standards. Me and Claire do have standards. We have, you know, any time there was a whiff of, like, nonsense. Yeah. Be like, come on. Don't be an idiot. Reign it in. Yeah. but I think that's fucking stop crying I'm frying your chalks in the bin but this is exactly that's what you get you took the piss out of dad now you got now you got now you're chalkless yeah you little wanker yeah but they do basically I think what kids do is that they reveal what your personality is to you like basically they copy you if anything basically you have to lead by example I think because what they'll basically what they'll do if you want to know what you're like look at what your kids are like that's what you're like and it might not be exactly and it won't be what your kind of internal image of yourself is it'll be the truth it's what you're actually you want them to be better than you don't you that's the point and yeah but i don't know whether i don't yeah i don't i suppose yeah i've said it before i think i was on a little bit of podcast giovanna fletcher does a podcast about parenting yeah and um and i said the reason why being a parent is so difficult yeah because because at the time there was a lot of stuff coming out about soft parenting and you can't be your kid's friend all right you need to tell them because otherwise you're just going to bring them up and they're just going to think they can do whatever they want you need to you need to be strict you need to get them prepared for the world you don't want soft little kids or whatever right and i was like right but that's easy yeah that's easy there's a load of bollocks as well i don't agree with that the reason why the reason why being a rubbish the reason why being a parent is really hard is because I do want them to grow up as good people.

58:39Yeah. I do want, but I also want them to be able to feel comfortable to come to me with problems. And I want them to know that I'm on their side. Everything I do is to try and help them. Yeah, exactly. Even if I'm telling you off, it's to try and help you. Yeah. That's why parenting is hard. If the message is like in life, people are going to fuck you over and like take advantage of you. and so I'll prepare you for that by fucking you over myself. It doesn't make any sense. If their home can't be a gentle place, where the fuck is going to be a gentle place? All they've got is the only place they've got where they get unconditional love and then now the theory is, oh, we need to withdraw that because they're not expected everywhere.

59:20Well, of course they won't. They're not idiots. And in hindsight... Why isn't the world exactly like my home? In hindsight now, I'm like, oh, I've brought my kids up the way I'm bringing them up and now they won't be part of the manosphere. And I'm just like, fine. Yeah, yeah. And the Manosphere is bollocks as well. I don't even really know what the Manosphere is. It's about alpha men. Alpha men telling other people what to do. Saying things like, you know, don't just listen to people. Literally telling people what to do. And I just think the most least alpha man thing you can do is go on the internet and whinge about stuff.

59:58That's what I do. I've made a career out of doing that. I'm not an alpha man. but don't don't if you do want to be an alpha man ironically all the people that are giving you tips on how to be an alpha man i think have negated themselves on the way they've gone about because real alpha men i assume just fucking get on with shit and just get on with their work they don't just go on the internet and go i've got a course i've got a course how to be an alpha man you wear a little purple shirt and tight trousers it's tail bollocks it's bullshit hey joe can i do my fact for you yeah yeah yeah yeah it's a good one i i heard about this during the week i made a note about it straight away and i was like that's a good little fact okay did you know in the pub that's why i like the fact as fact as well because it's about beer and pubs and stuff yeah did you know that in the pub you cannot order a quarter of a pint.

1:00:57It's illegal. What? Let that sink in. You can order at a half. You can get a half pint. You can get a third pint if you really want it to be difficult, if you really want it to ruin a bartender's day. I've had a third pint. That's what I have after my second pint. You can get a third pint.

1:01:19Brilliant. The most traditional joke. You've ruined it. Sorry. You've ruined my facts because that was too good. That was better than my fact. No, it wasn't. You've stolen my thunder. No. Oh, you've really alpha-moutled me there. Oh, yeah. You have made me your bitch doing that. It was sort of hold my beer. It was. Yeah. But you cannot get – it's against the law. It's against the law. It comes from the UK weights and measures rules, which are very strict. I love how strict those are. It really is British, those rules, where we don't want to be shortchanged if we're getting a gin and tonic. It's got to be, if you're getting a single gin and tonic, it's got to be 25 mils.

1:02:07And they created those optics things and stuff to make sure that... And it's important. It's important to us as British people. Hang on a minute. There's not enough gin in that. Yeah. And the head. God, you put a bit more in there. I don't mind a foamy head, actually. Okay. One of the audience members told you that it's technically illegal to be drunk in a pub. That's true as well, yeah. Victorian times, Jack the Ripper's knocking about. Yeah. Poor people are most of the country. Yeah. They're sleeping on ropes. Yeah. The only thing that they've got to do is go to the pub. Yeah. And then you get like a low, then inevitably what you get is most of the country are just pissed all the time.

1:02:58So I think they had to sort of make it illegal to be drunk and they've not bothered to really change. They've not gone back and been like, you can be a bit drunk. The word drunk is doing a lot of, is occupying a very ambiguous space there. Well, yeah. I mean, yeah, there's different, there's a whole range. There's a big spectrum on drunkenness, isn't there? Yeah, I suppose what they're, if you sort of. Because I can go from being incredibly funny and charming and quite charismatic to shitting and puking all over myself in the same space of like a couple of hours. Sure, sure. Do you know what I mean?

1:03:38Yeah, yeah. It's a fine line. But yeah, you cannot, it's illegal. I like that the pubs cannot give you a third of the, cannot give you a quarter of a pint. They can't do it. This is featured in a scene of Friday Night Dinner. I don't know, Joe, if you remember this from when you re-watched it. You watched Friday Night Dinner? Yeah. Never watched it. Tom Rosenthal and Simon Bird's character go into the pub and they've got no money other than what their gran has given them, which is two pounds in a little purse because they've stormed off from the house. And they order pints and they realise they've got no money other than this two pounds.

1:04:15and they're like, what can we get with our two pounds? And they can't afford anything other than a half pint. So they order a half pint because they can't order a quarter of a pint each and then they just split it into two glasses so they end up with a quarter of a pint each. Ah, because you're not allowed a quarter of a pint. Well, I didn't get that from Friday night dinner but I'm glad that it's out there. Yeah. I should watch Friday night dinner. It's meant to be brilliant. It's really good. Everyone in it, I like. Everyone in it, I like. Popper written by Popper I just I just wouldn't be able to sit there and get and get immersed into the because I'd just be going oh there's birds look at that so I'm bird on the TV I'd be like calling my kids in going oh I know that bloke yeah yeah it's really good it's really good right I'm all fact out me too JT what have we learned today oh can we get rid of that question what have we learned today we've learned that I thought we had got rid of it It's made its way back in.

1:05:16It's in my template script. Working my way backwards. You can't order a quarter of a pint. Baby's eyes can be blue. They can be other colours as well. It's not strictly true that they're just blue when they're born. And we also learn, but not really, because everyone listening to this, learn that art attack is a pun on heart attack. But it's good to... Just to, you know, never forget, I suppose. Well, we hope that you have learned something if you're listening slash watching this. We'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and art attacks. And don't forget, you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you want to get to us.

1:06:02Our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. And you can follow on social media at joandjamespod. And if you've already forgotten everything I said in the last seven seconds, head to the description and those details are there. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.

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1:07:35This week on Help, I Sexted My Boss. I go back to not giving feedback. Are you OK? Who's put 50p in you? It's more like f***ing two quid. How do I convince him to lock me up for the full 31 days of October? Like a budgie in a cage. What happened to budgies? Excuse me, I have an electric car. It's very, very stressful, you know. Range anxiety. There's an anxiety. Jordan will have it.

1:08:01Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.