Do You Say Mate, Man or Pal?

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1:11if tv shows and films and stuff were genuinely really realistic i reckon 90 percent of people you'd never know their name because no one calls people by there's people i know there's people i know quite well and i don't know their names yeah i mean we don't really use names much do we i say man yeah um i can't bring myself to say mate i say mate it sounds like i'm what's weird is that man is clearly an affectation yeah and i mean man is basically american i would say yeah british people say man well but to me man feels feel like i can pull off a man your parents from what i know about your parents they must have said man a little bit your dad dad said man my dad was in your dad he was he was in hey ashbury in 1969 like proper like hippie central and um they used he's met the original people who were saying man they're like hey man yeah you can stay yeah yeah that's cool man i can imagine your dad hanging out with jack kerouac or something my dad was really sweet because he promised his mum he wouldn't take any drugs and he did and he didn't so he was around so he was this really sweet british boy he was the sober hippie he was the sober hippie it was funny when you see your parents as a suddenly get flash to them as a young man like i found a postcard that my dad had sent to his mom from america i think it was literally a postcard of the grand canyon and it said i'm having a nice time mom i've met some nice kids and it was this like it was this slight 60s affectation of like they were like that's what they they were like oh they're they're some pretty cool kids yeah do you know what i mean it was like he didn't literally mean kids um but it was quite sweet it was like watching this slightly posh English boy trying to affect this San Francisco dialect but it was to his mum as well as though it was quite sweet it was like he was like I've changed a bit mum I say kids now yeah instead of people cats just don't want you to be shocked when I come back did he ever say cats he might have said cats he might have said not yeah I haven't got written evidence his memoirs your dad's um you could call it the sober hippie the sober hippie is actually a pretty um good description of my dad I would say.

3:25He could be like I was there and I remember it. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's genuinely, I mean you can tell the people who have sort of lived long after the hippie era are the ones who didn't take too many of the drugs. Like they're always ones who are like everyone around me, if you hear like an 87 year old man talking about the hippie era, he will always say everyone around me was taking loads of drugs but i didn't take as many like that's that's um uh but yeah it was i just quite sweet but yeah so he so he would have said yeah he would i mean they were all saying man you know left right and center you ever listen to um the knowing me knowing you radio shows i think i have and uh i can't remember what the character is patrick marva and but he was he's like this sort of um what was the david bailey type um sort of was in it amongst it in the 60s yeah okay and uh and the and partridge is going what was there you know he was like there was a lot of sex there was a lot of sex alan we all you know we all he was like yeah yeah i mean tell me and alan's like tell me a bit more was there you know he's like yeah oh god it was free everyone was free with their bodies it's like oh was that you know did you ever you know was that was there two girls involved everyone was in fun like yeah there was two girls you know it wasn't a big deal did you ever do it with a bloke no oh i haven't listened to those for ages i need to listen i had yeah i had them they're really you can get them on um on um i i had them on cd i'd like a cd box set of them uh but you can just get them on i've got them on apple audiobooks good example for me of and on the hour as well on the hour was weird well that's the sort of the day that's the day today yeah but it's really like yeah you can tell they've just been let loose yeah they can just do whatever they want yeah how are you mate you good i'm all right thanks um i'm so just to keep everyone updated um i am me and my daughter aren't are now members of the zoo oh thank god thank you very thank you very much um i thought you were about to say me and my daughter aren't talking right now she's still talking to me right so you finally got a um yeah because as i mentioned it I was getting to the point where I was being recognised in the zoo, not as like in-betweeners, recognised as like you're here all the time.

6:06Yeah. They were like, are you a gold member? You go up to the stand, to the concession stand or whatever, but you're usual, Joe. Usual, yeah, absolutely. So I'm... I once tried to... Yeah. When I was first going out with Claire, I ordered us a curry and I just went, yeah, watch this. And I picked up the phone and... And they were like, your address, please. I gave them my address and went, oh, right. Yeah, your usual. Yeah. And I went, no, I'm going to have to add a bit more to that. That's okay. Oh, I see. So I just used to, I honestly would just phone my local curry place when I lived in the flat.

6:50And I wouldn't have to order. It would take me 12 seconds on the phone. I'd give them my address. They'd go, oh, right. Yeah, usual. I'd go, yeah, there'll be an half hour. I thought that you meant you were going to try and show off to Claire by having a usual and then them being like what's the usual because this is I I always took it as a sign of sort of status if you could go into a pub and you go like the usual yeah it sort of shows that you're if you've got a tankard behind the bar yeah as far as I'm concerned you're a fucking legend yeah yeah if they've got if they've got your cup you're one hanging up behind the bar they go usual gym that'll be me when I'm 72 wherever I end up in the next few years that's where I'm going to stay for the next sort of 30 they're not giving tankards out that space behind the bar that's at a premium you know they need they haven't got room for any old Tom Dick or Harry's tankard up there they need other things horse brasses yeah you've brought up a good point though weird denomination banknotes is the tankard a gift?

7:49do you go to the pub so often oh I see that they're like oh we've got you your own tankard congratulations oh actually It's probably one's own, isn't it? I would imagine. Do they bring it in? I think the customer - That's like trying to get people to call you a nickname though, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I never managed to get my choice of nickname. I did have nicknames. You got a good nickname. You're JT. JT. Well, that's pretty good. At school, I had Chunky Joe. Chunky Joe? Chunky Joe. It was a joke about how I wasn't chunky. I was small. Brilliant. And Penboy. He never wore a hat. Never wore a hat.

8:24Yeah. Jimmy the hat. No, he never wore a hat. That is funny, to be fair.

8:32Tattoo stand. Tattoo stand. He had loads of tattoos that he'd just done himself. And they're going, oh, my God. And it's like all the ones on his left arm were good and all the ones on his right arm were shit because he was right-handed. It was loads of – we had a recent social clip that we put out about me, about when we were talking about Matt King superhands. Yes. And I kept watching it. I was going, why did I say drawed? Yeah, no. But there was just a load of Pilkerton stuff. Someone put drawed question mark. I put squosed. Yeah, that Matt King thing, it was so nice to being like the perfect interaction.

9:09You were like, oh, I wish I had said drawed. I know. Because he commented on it as well. And I was like, oh, I've said drawed in front of Matt King. It was a bit like meeting him and then walking away. like spending spending like say if we were at a do or something like a comedy do or something you know back in the day when we used to bump into people all the time and some awards thing it'd be like bumping into matt king and saying that i drawed on his performance yeah yeah i spent 12 seconds with him and then walked away just going oh yeah we'll be like bumping into him and the conversation is um going really well and then like you just fart and you're like um one time a bloke who we didn't really know.

9:50This is when we lived in the Barbican. Got into the lift with me and Hannah. And he's basically introducing himself to us as like a neighbor. He's like, we haven't met before. This is my name. And then he went, and also I have just farted. How old was he? He was about my age. Right. I was like, you don't need to just, just, you know, blame Hannah or something. Like there's three of us, you know. I was like, you don't actually need to you don't need to say that it was like it was i can't lie it was like you're not george washington yesterday i got it was amazing yesterday i got on a train with claire and uh and we were at the platform i pressed the button for the doors to open and then i needed to fart yeah do it now before i get on the train so i farted yeah and then and then me and claire that had half a second we were both standing there and i was going like ladies first sort of thing and she went like that so i went on first i was like oh now you're walking through the wake yeah because i thought you were going to go on first yeah and um because she recognized that we had like that half second sort of who's going to get on first she went well i always go the wrong way when i get on a train you always tell me well we should i should have gone left and i was right And then she went, oh, it stinks of shit on this train.

11:16And I went, well, I just farted. I thought you were going to get on the train. I thought you were going to get on the train first. She went, well, apparently I always go the wrong way when we go on a train. You like to find a special secret place where you're not going to get bothered or whatever. Oh, the wrong way. Oh, yeah, well. I thought she'll get on first. I'll do a little fart here. It'll go that way. Anyway, she ended up walking through it and she went, oh, it stinks of shit on this train. I went, no, it's because I was just farted. And then she fucked off and went and sat somewhere else.

11:50What, not with you? Yeah. I followed her though. Oh, yeah. Like the fart. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You were, the margins were too small there for you to, yeah. You should have checked the wind, taken a wind reading or something. I watched, something came up on my Instagram a couple of days ago. So it made me, it was like, one, it made me laugh. And then two, I was like, yeah, that is, it was this thing. It just said, you know, women, women always, they're wheat, they have a wheat tolerance thing. They're lactose intolerant and they've always got this problem, that problem. Whereas blokes just spend 30 years going, why do I have diarrhea every day?

12:32Yeah. And that is literally me. Yeah. No, honestly. um don't you know i don't know whether you know i i take i'm on the psyllium husk i'd hardly recommend that do you get the big my mum's taking it out as well no that's not metamusle metamusle is um the active ingredient is psyllium husk but i just get like the raw powder so i just thought i don't need i don't need like an orange you know i can't do powder i've got to do pills and everything but i take quite a lot of this stuff right and um yeah i got psyllium husk i got magnesium got a one a day uh magnesium spray ever sprayed that on it's quite strong it really knocks you out magnesium i've just got tablets makes you really tired oh i heard it's to help you regulate it's to get you tired i remember i took melatonin for years that's to sleep for years and years and years i used to um because i don't know how readily available it is in the UK.

13:32Where do they get it? Do they get it from like tired people? Someone's falling asleep. They're harvesting. They're harvesting it from. They suck it out. Solent green or something. Yeah. I used to get like a year's worth of melatonin. They go, don't take it all at once. Every time I went to America. Wow. Wow. Well, because you could get it in America. Yeah. Yeah, bloody America with a pharmacy thing. Because I got a cough. I was in America for a while, for a few months, and I got a really bad chest infection and a cough. I couldn't be bothered to go to see a doctor because that's really fucking complicated over there.

14:17And so I was just sort of buying over-the-counter stuff. Luckily, the stuff that you can get over-the-counter is fucking mentally strong. Yeah. And I started buying this stuff called, it's called Nightquil. Right. And it's got melatonin in it. And the first time I took some of that, I woke up the next day and Claire was with me. Claire and the kids were with me. They were babies at that time. And I was going, I went, I've had the best fucking night's sleep I've ever had in my life. Oh. Like I was just knocked out. It was absolutely brilliant. So then my cough went. I just kept taking the medicine before I went to bed.

14:55And then I discovered that NyQuil do this thing called ZQuil, where it's not the medicine, it's just the melatonin. So I bought a fucking ton of those. For about five years of my life, I was taking melatonin every day. So NyQuil is supposedly a cough medicine. It's like Night Nurse, but I think it's Americanified. So it's like it's Night Nurse on steroids. They do not. Yeah. I'm surprised that some of the stuff that they do regulate over there, but they don't give a fuck. You can just buy it. You go into a chemist pharmacy in America and you can... They're one step away from just selling you smack.

15:40Joe and James, fight up!

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17:03Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That is Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U-P-W-O-R-K.com. Upwork.com. Hey, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. We need to talk about the iconic Abercrombie denim because it's all I've been wearing around lately. Their high rise wide leg jean has become such a staple in my closet, especially when I need something that just goes with everything. Their neutral garment dyed denim is perfect. And when I'm going out in the West Village, you know it's a bra free top and a pair of low rise jeans. Between the classic fit and the viral curve love fit that eliminates waist gap there's literally a pair for everyone it's truly denim made iconic shop abercrombie denim and more in the app online and in stores oh what you've been up to so you've been zoo again i guess i went off to the zoo how much is that by the way what is it a year the gold club i was obviously able to i got silver membership how are you not in the top tier well the truth is Once silver membership gets you into the zoo for free, gold membership is just like 10 % off ice cream and stuff.

18:19And I thought, well, you know. Yeah, but also you get ice cream and things, I assume, when you're there. I do, but it didn't seem to – it felt like it was a whole list of things. And some of them were like entry to other, you know, other sort of places as well. I think other affiliated – it looked like a load of affiliated – to me, I thought, no, this is padding. But maybe I'm wrong. I wish you'd have called me. I know. I probably should have got gold. Is that what you're saying? You need to call me when you make decisions, Joe. Well, what I'll say... Because, right, here's what you could have done.

18:57So what, like sort of sister places. Sister places, yeah. What you could have done is gone through that list. Gone, well, we're a gold member now. We're getting to these other places free. Maybe we don't have to go to the fucking zoo every other day maybe we could check out do you want to check out do you want to check out this other place yeah but like i'm i'm such a sort of a stickler it's not you know yeah okay i think partly i think i was brought up in a family that was a little bit suspicious of like advertising right um and secondly well secondly i suppose i'm a creature of habit and thirdly actually when i've been going to the zoo the people who are selling me the ticket are going look you could upgrade this easily um so just pop in you know silver membership take off the price of today's ticket so they're actually suggesting silver so they're almost saying silver go for silver go for silver it's like they're saying go for silver so what in a way i you know i applaud that they're not they're not pushy they're not trying to upsell you they're not trying to upsell you no they're they're actually saying and you know that's you know that's good that's the sort of person i'd like working with animals i don't want them trying to go the animals like oh do you want an extra bit of i'll be honest i think they thought you were vulnerable they were like this guy is here a couple of times a week and he's only just yeah getting a season pass yeah they probably thought that if they sold me gold like my carer would come in yeah go what have you been doing yeah this you took advantage yeah of a young man to whom life is a daily struggle and um uh so anyway but you're probably right but we can probably upgrade it and um but we haven't yet been as silver members right so i'm i'll be interested to see I'm looking forward to it.

21:01Yeah. We'll just, you know, walk right on in there. Yeah. We'll walk right on in there, I imagine. Do you want to know the number of foxes that now live in my garden permanently? Go on. Two. I thought it was going to be more. Carry on. Well, it's gone up. Well, it's gone up. It's gone up. Yeah. That's nice. So there was obviously one fox there. And now they've got a pal. And I think they've gone away. I honestly think they've gone away and they've gone to this other fox. Look, there's this place I go. Yeah. They're really relaxed there. Like the bloke never comes out. Like you can do whatever the hell you want.

21:37Something's dug a hole just in the middle of my lawn and he's living in the lawn. Something's dug a hole. Not sure. Don't know how foxes dig holes down. Maybe they do. Maybe they burrow. That sounds a bit like a badger to me. Badgers were a problem. Yeah. Do you get urban badgers? I got chased by a badger once. I remember that. Well, they're quite tough badgers. they used to do badger bait I mean this was horrible I would say but there used to be and the middle ages was horrible particularly to animals but they used to do badger baiting where they basically set a load of fierce dogs on a poor old badger and the badger was quite hard itself it would try and defend itself but you know it's no match for there was two stories and it's probably still in its dressing gown and slippers there was two stories um you know when we used to do the in-betweeners and we used to you know like months before they would start writing it we would all meet up and talk about funny stories uh from school and things like that and uh or just before they'd start writing it um the series or the film or whatever and uh a couple of the stories that i told ian damon was one time when i got um chased by a badger where i saw a badger and i thought it would run away and it didn't and it sort of just it sort of went like that to me so i ran away and instead of like a 10 minute walk home this little cut through it took me 25 minutes to walk home from the train station because i was too scared of this badger and then also there was a time um when i was when i was you never go back there now either that's because you you backed down once that's it but I was um I was out with my mates it was late at night what were your stories about badgers well no this is this one's this one's about a fox what the fuck's Buckley's did we say stories about badgers because Buckley's just given us Buckley's given us some badger gold here no but there was this one time I was out with my mates and uh and there was a fox going through a bin and um and then uh and we were walking and he went oh don't worry it'll run away and shit itself.

23:54And then it didn't. And then my mate got really like, we were like, had to hold him back a little bit. He was like, fucking little dickhead. He was like, he was going to square up to a fox. And that sort of, those stories sort of became the squirrel thing. The squirrel. In the show. It's like, oh, don't worry, it'll run away. And then I end up running over a squirrel, which in hindsight, I wasn't aware of it at the time. I hadn't watched Seinfeld at the time. But it's a rip-off of Seinfeld. Is it? There's a thing where George is out on a date and he just runs over a pigeon. And he's like, but the deal is that they jump out of the way.

24:37That's the deal. They're supposed to just fly out of the way. They do. I mean, every time there's a bird in the road, I'm like, get out of the fucking way. They leave you at the last minute. Yeah, or, and this has happened to me loads of times, where I've gone, it'll get out of the way, it'll get out of the way. Right, I'm going to have to slow down. And he just fucking walks past my wheel. Yeah. And then it goes. And then I have to carry on going. I'm taking the piss, these animals. Yeah, yeah. No, I know. Urban animals. Yeah. Urban animals are a bit. They, yeah. I don't mind a wood pigeon. I like a wood pigeon they're sort of like grey doves but those ones wood pigeon the pigeons that you get in London they are wood pigeon yeah the pigeons all the fucking yeah I mean they're crack foxes crack foxes well yeah I mean yeah foxes are like just a funny funny funny sound but you're you know you're right about foxes everything's different in the world of me they really they are they don't give a fuck I mean in a way I kind of respect them because it's like humans have basically come on the planet and they've bullied everything and they've either killed it or they've made its life miserable or eaten it and the fox is going no fuck you actually no I'll take my time and like they don't there was loads of foxes where I grew up and in a way the urban fox and they've been through the mill you look at them and they're like one of the foxes in so my back garden the situation is two foxes three eyes because one of these foxes one eye has got an eye missing and I just I have a sort of, I feel like I'm running a sort of Chelsea pensioners home or something.

26:20Right. Like it's kind of, it's there. I'm like, you know what? You relax now. You can live here. Yeah. It's fine. You've don't, in a way, I don't like it going out because it's going to lose the other one. Worried about it. I'm a bit worried about it. It's got no depth perception, has it? Yeah. What about, what about the little one? Like going out in the garden and stuff? She, I think, I think she'll be okay. I don't think these foxes – she's, I think, she doesn't really go in the garden without me. Because our house is one of the problems with it. I can't let my daughter out in the garden without me.

26:59Because of my two pet foxes. Because of the wild animals. Yeah. And because of the massive holes in the garden. She'll fall into a warren. And then I think these foxes are – my suggestion would be that foxes are going to play the percentages. They don't need to – they've got so much food. We've mentioned the bins. They are in heaven. They don't need to hunt. They can just scavenge. I've got a big mouse problem in my garage at the moment. How many mice do you think? I don't know. I've not seen a mouse. I've seen loads of shit. I've stopped the kids from going in there. Mouse shit is toxic. Yeah.

27:44Because I made a mouse haven. I basically made a mouse holiday camp in my garage. I was storing up, I've already spoke about this on the Buckley's podcast, if anyone wants to check that out. But I was storing up cardboard. Yeah. which they use to make nests. And then also I kept all my dog treats in a cardboard box. Right. So I just gave them a load of food in a place to live. In a cardboard box. Yeah. I've now put it in a plastic box. And I was hoping that that would be like, now that they can't get to the food, that they'd all just fuck off or whatever. But I'm going to have to get some traps, boy.

28:32As generations of mice go by, they will gradually move away. I'm going to have to get some traps. I'm going to have to start doing that. We had, I remember my dad, the sober hippie, bought a humane mousetrap when we were young. See, I can't do that because I've got... It did not work. Right. It didn't work. I've seen those things where there's a little trap door. You sort of go in and there's a little plastic casing. Like a shoebox for a single child's shoe. Right. That's how I'm going to describe it. and the mouse came in the door swung closed behind it yeah and then it's there in the box i say it's there in the box it was never there in the box and then eventually dad got a non-humane trap yeah got it straight away yeah obviously um it's awful killing stuff in it i yeah it's terrible i mean i still get a kind of i love eating stuff i still get a shudder when i see like roadkill i think like that was especially when it's really been done in it's always that's like that was once life and now it's just extinguished in a sort of smear it's always a baby deer it's always a baby deer and that's what really gets to me i know apparently they're a problem are they because there's no um you know we've got no wolves there's no youth clubs for them to go to anymore yeah yeah we've got no wolves just let him play out my um my brother is in a folk band and he has a song about um hitting a no not hitting a deer driving past a dead deer and one of the lines is it's not your fault that there are no wolves anymore so it's like this basically is adam adam adam like he loves a dead animal like this song about the deer you're like honestly adam get out of the dead deers ass like it's like he's like he's like it's so beautiful like he's like he's weeping and i'm like like honestly you're you're you're you're late for work what's the character on mid-morning matters blackbird mcknight or something are you no um black that's uh that's off mighty bush isn't it no uh is it like obsidian blackbird McKnight which is one of the Mighty Boosh characters right yeah yeah that's Vince Noir or is he does he call himself Blackbird it is Julian Barrett maybe he comes he's like a folk singer and he comes into the show he's like what would life be like without bees bad the Adams lyrics are a bit like that they're all they're all either about trees or dead animals he's like absolutely there's one bit where he's like I wrote a story about um old John who I can't remember his name is like you saved a girl from a from a flood or something like that and then alan goes wasn't he the bloke that got done for um pedophilia saying yeah well yeah he was but that's not the song what's julian barrett doing right now well let's find out get him on speakerphone no i don't have his number what's he doing right now i don't know i don't know but i think he's a genius Yes.

31:54He's in, have you seen A Field in England? No. Speaking of good folk music, so A Field in England is, I can't remember his fucking name, Ben Wheatley or something, director. And it's about some soldiers who have run off from a battle in the English Civil War. It's all in black and white. It's really good. Right. Do you ever see Mindhorn? Yes. No. Mindhorn, I don't know how you feel about this. It is essentially Alpha Papa, the plot. It is a bit, yeah. And I don't know if you know this, but Alpha Papa got completely rewritten on the set because it was meant to be about a terrorist attack, but then a genuine terrorist attack happened at that time.

32:47So they were rewriting it on the set, which I found really interesting. and I think I don't know if and it's made by Baby Cow which is the same company that made Mindhorn so I wonder if that's why they are so similar right so they were like quick we need another plot we've got this other film yeah why not no one's going to watch that I don't know what the timelines are on those but yeah yeah interesting that's interesting it looks like Julian Barrett is booked and busy by the way he's doing bits and bobs he better be yeah otherwise the world's gone mad but anyway so this film um a field in england it's got an amazing folk song in it that they must have just had written and one of the actors sings it like sort of in this kind of like unshooted singing voice it's just really it's a lovely song i don't know who wrote it but i think it's like i'd say it's almost like a canonical folk song and it must have just been written for the film it's the end of that story the end of that story yeah yeah okay that's the first time you've ever said that it's the first time you've ever let him finish oh gosh no no to be fair look at what happened if this episode if this episode is not called Joe finishes a sentence

34:07that's all it is that is clickbait yeah anyone that listens to this podcast will be like well I've got to fucking listen to this got to find out what this sentence is writing joe finally finishes the sentence yeah that's the first full stop we've had in this entire series so far because because i'm such a comedy nerd um you can sort of trace back stuff um especially with the boot especially with um like partridge you can then go back to i mean i knew then the day-to-day and then on the hour and all that sort of stuff um that film mindhorn when i first found out that there was a julian barrett film called mindhorn coming out i was like what the fuck is this going to be about because it is just a thing it's a really bizarre reference to the boosh one of the episodes on the boosh radio show where um some bloke is just going my name is mind horn i am mind horn i am that was mind horn it was like a talent show or something like i think they go they go to a they They go to a club.

35:14And anyway, you can't explain the Boosh. You just have to watch it, especially the radio shows. Listen to the radio shows. They're fucking brilliant. Yeah, the Boosh, they described it themselves like this, as a sitcom, essentially, without any jokes. There's no sort of – there isn't any punchline, really. it's funny though because the first time I watched The Office I thought there aren't any jokes when they advertised The Office I thought it was a documentary but then actually when you watch it now you're like yeah it's stuff full of jokes it's just that they're kind of they're more like spikes on a graph yeah but they're clearly meant to be spikes yeah huh that would be huge imagine that Merchant and Gervais writing something again because they haven't written together for a little while since extras i think i think extras was the last thing they wrote together yeah come on guys getting sort of coming up to 20 years i think they complement each other so well i think i think gervais has got the gags and merchant is a bit more got the structure and got a bit more of the let's make this stuff work and also Merchant.

36:37Merchant in extras is such a treat. Yeah. Merchant going, oh, do you know what? I might do some stuff in front of the camera this time around. It's so good. Yeah. David Lamb. Is that his name, isn't it? Darren Lamb. Darren Lamb. Yeah. It's so brilliant. Yeah. I love watching the outtakes come up for me quite a lot. Yeah. of just him, of just Merchant and Gervais across a desk, just talking to each other. And they are just that it takes them forever to get through a take. There's a bit where Merchant keeps, he has to like take a big gulp of tea or something. And you know, when you're eating on set and you have to do so many takes, you do regret quite quickly going, oh, I wish I didn't take a bite of this sandwich.

37:23Oh my God, yeah. Because then it's like, right, we've got to reset the sandwich and we've got, now you need to, And you end up taking about 50 bites of a sandwich. Yeah. Once you've shot everything from every angle. And they go, do you want a bucket to spit it out into? You're like, I'm not a fucking animal. It's disgusting. Merchant just keeps spitting it back out into his cup. Oh. And then at one point, Gervais cotton's on and he's going, can we get him a new tea? Like that is fucking disgusting. Honestly, I'd rather eat myself to death than spit my food out. I just think it's gross. you know those people who like taste wine and they have to like and they spit it out it took me ages to realize that have you seen sideways no there's a bit in sideways where where he um i've got to be honest anything i've seen about that film does not interest me it is about it's about wine tasting yeah yeah no it's a beautiful it's a sort of unpromising it's got it's a little bit like john favreau got anything to do with that oh maybe not on screen but it's kind of it's unashamedly sort of small stakes like it's kind of about whether two guys are going to have a nice road trip together even though they're both getting on a bit i mean it's a little bit like the trip in a sense in terms of like the stakes it's like well well they haven't you know as in the thing with coogan and yeah i don't like but um there's a bit where he's found out that his book yeah he's he's he's basically i think he's a teacher and he's trying to get this novel published and it's like he's a bit of a loser and he finds out that his novel isn't going to be published and it just completely crushes him this is the only thing he's ever wanted to do with his life and he's in like a winery and he just wants a drink he just wants a fucking drink and they will only give him this much because they're a wine tasting place.

39:13So he's like, can I just have a glass of wine? And they're like, sorry, sir, we're not a bar. And then he's like, fine, fine. And he goes over and he gets, and I didn't realise it's the thing that everybody spits their wine into. So it's full of other people's wine, other people's spit and wine. And he goes, and kind of throws it down. Yeah. That could be a 30 second sketch. There's other stuff in the - Don't need a whole film. Yeah, I'm not pitching the film. There's other stuff in there. There's other characters and, yeah. Is there any explosions? Any explosions? I think they might. Is there any tits in it?

40:00There might be. There is some sex in it. Nipple? Do you see nipple? I'm not watching it. My own nipple? I don't know. Anyway. Unless there's killings or boobs in it, I'm not interested. I think that there might not be boobies. No, I'm not bothered. And there definitely aren't explosions. Have you ever seen Under Siege with Steven Seagal? No. Have you not seen it? Does it have a hilarious scene in a winery in it, though? That's what I'm here for. No, it's an action film with Steven Seagal where he plays a cook on a ship, but he's also ex-military or something like that. I might be misremembering.

40:43I haven't seen this film for about 20 years. Yeah. But they tick all the boxes because I imagine that at one point they were going, there's no boobs in this. I'm going to have to get some boobs in this somehow. And one of the characters is like a stripper gram. Right. And she bursts out of a cake and starts dancing. But what she doesn't realise is that while she's in the cake, that some terrorists have stormed this boat. And so you'd think that when she'd burst out the cake, that she'd immediately realise, oh, no, this isn't a party. Something's gone wrong here. But luckily for us, for the viewer.

41:24She's focused on. She's got her eyes closed. Yeah, yeah. She's got her eyes closed for a good 15 seconds. And then she opens her eyes and goes, oh, no. Yeah, yeah. But they must have really been racking their brains. How are we going to – yeah, but she'd see. Would she close her eyes? Why would she close her eyes? I don't know. I don't know why she would. They're just closed. They're just closed. Do you want boobs in this or not? Well, we do. We need boobs in it. Well, then her eyes are closed. It's the best we've got. It's the best we've got. Yeah. Well – Watch it, Under Siege. It's a great film.

42:00It's a really good film. Steven Seagal. It is a good film. I might watch the one that Joe mentioned. No, you did it. Sideways. Honestly, you'd prefer Under Siege. Okay. Okay. Sideways is good. Doesn't sound promising. Has it won awards? I bet it has. It probably has, yeah. And that's the tragedy. I don't think Under Siege won any awards. No. Terrible. The world's upside down. Not even after all their work on getting the boobs in and everything. Yeah, there's no Oscar for best trying to get boobs in a film. No, no. But they were really desperate. It was so completely unnecessary.

42:45It's quite route one as well, to be like, how can we get nudists into a film? A stripper? Or just hire a stripper? They hire a stripper. Well, yeah, probably. She probably is a stripper. Yeah, hire a stripper. You can hire a stripper to a ship. Yeah. To a boat. Yeah, you too, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, where's she going? Has she got another job afterwards? I don't know Would she go to a dinghy And go to another boat I don't know She does that She does that You know Seven minutes of stripping And then she's just on a ship And she has to go Wherever the ship goes For the rest of the journey Just do some fishing or something Yeah Yeah Under Siege Check it out Alright good Steven Seagal Okay Shall we do this podcast Jo and James Jo and James Jo and James Jo and James Facts up Alright here we go Welcome to Joe and James Facts Up.

43:38Each week we'll brie. We'll brie. Brie. Each week we'll brie. Each week we'll brie. Brie. Binging facts to one another. That we deem interesting and our policy is the more interesting, the more true it is. We'll also dig into the weird things that you'd like to think are true, but don't want to research in a segment that we're calling Fact Check. So we need you to send us your facts or anything, any nonsense. Our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. We've got a WhatsApp number 07822034330 and you can follow us on our socials at joandjamespod and you can watch our episodes in full on YouTube. Just search for Joe and James Facts Up.

44:16Now, let's get facts up.

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46:36Right now a few weeks ago a few weeks ago I asked you. Joe's gone into presenter mode. Right. Send in the puns. Yes. It took you a bit too long to understand. The filthy puns. Oh, I see. A few weeks ago, I asked for you to send in puns. It took you a bit too long to realise were puns. Yeah. And I used the example of Boyzone, which I think is a pun on the magazine Boyzone, as in a Boyzone magazine, and Match of the Day, which is, of course, a pun on Catch of the Day. Yeah. But neither of which I realised for years. And this is a section that we are calling Pun-believable. I think the band Boyzone is a pun on Boyzone.

47:29Of course it is. Match of the day is a pun on Catch of the day. Fuck you! I didn't realize that Girls Aloud was a pun for a while, as in girls are allowed in this club too. And people say, you know, there's no new land left to discover. Well, in the mind there is. It's... It's... Pun-believable, Jeff! Wow. There we go. It's not a jingle, is it? I think it's great. It's a jingle of sorts, yeah. It's not a sting. It's like a house. Yeah. It's like a house anthem. I think it's great. I think it's more than a jingle. People do that for the in-betweeners. They take audio from the show and set it to house music.

48:15If you're listening and you want to... And you're sort of a home DJ or whatever, a little hobby DJist. Do some house music in between the stuff. We'll listen to that. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think it's a good combination of spoken word and some beats and some kind of archival sort of found footage almost. It reminds me a bit of actually the same boundaries that were being pushed back by Rudebox. the other week rude box yeah like let's see if we can make a new genre can we get the lyrics to rude box up quickly yeah i need to get to the bottom of this okay i've i think i've probably heard that song twice in my life and that was about 20 years ago now what are you wanting me to do with these old lyrics are you wanting me to read them out now can you just tell me some of the lyrics to Rudebox.

49:15Okay. Okay, then. Back to basis. Grab your shell toes and your fat laces. A little clap hand for some funk faces. Isn't there Semtex and Durex is rhymed at some point. Up your jacksy, split your kex, sing a song of Semtex, a pocket full of Durex, body full of Mandrax. Are we going to have sex? Yes. do you wear knee socks oh back to the rude box wow there we go yeah it's something isn't it it's quite wonderful let that hang just let that let it hang let that sure we'll have a moment let that just sit there for a second up your jacksy is the one that's sticking in my mind yeah split your kecks split your kecks what sort of mind could you think of such things I don't know man listen he's a He's a genius, is Williams.

50:13I truly believe that. I do quite like retro slang. One I quite like is hand shandy. Hand shandy. It means like a hand job. Yeah, hand job. Yeah, hand shandy. Or even probably just a self job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hand shandy. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? It's gone for a hand shandy. Hand shandy. It's quite... I'm surprised to have not found it in that... Hand shandy. Yeah, because it's quite... In that list of... You haven't heard hand shandy for years. Thanks for bringing that back to me. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. I think we... Do you remember when we were doing the Inbetweeners? It was just...

51:04And I think even, I think people had stopped saying it while we were doing the in-betweeners, to be honest with you. But describing someone as fit, well fit. Fit, yeah. Well, everyone said that when I was at school. Yeah, people said that when I was at school. Yeah. But then by the time I'd left school and was doing the in-betweeners, it was like, oh, she's well fit. She's fit. Your mum's fit. I haven't heard that. I was like, oh, I think people, even when we were doing it, I was like, I think people have stopped saying this now.

51:38Simon's haircut as well. Yeah. No one had that haircut. Yeah. That was done in 90, that was over in 97, that haircut. And no one had it in that way either. Like the spikes, they're ridiculous. I had a mate. My hair was really quite long. Like sometimes I go in it, it'd be almost like this length. They'd be like, no, just put the spikes in. We need to cut, obviously. You can't... Yeah. Like, it's mental. There'll be times I was like, that's just ridiculous. It's not a cartoon. It was the thing in between. It was like, where I think, I think Ian and Damon wrote a joke and they were like, we're going to have to explain this joke.

52:20Because it was like... It's always a sign of a good joke. He was like, yeah, I know. It was like, but we do, we do. It's written in the script. Where I go, it looks like the cross between us the Statue of Liberty and a spotty baby. And they're like, what are you talking about? He's hair. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, well, we're having to explain the joke now. Yeah. It's all right. Use our bit of time, doesn't it? Yeah. It's probably on that episode that was 16 minutes long. Remember that one? Oh, Christ. The episode's finished. Oh, great. Is there any bad news? I don't think so. It's 16 minutes long.

52:52That's bad news. Yeah. 16 minutes long? We've got to find nearly 10 more minutes of stuff to put in this episode. anyway we're playing unbelievable here yeah yeah didn't get the name of the feature right didn't get the name of the host oh is it called pun believable i said i said pun believable didn't i we're playing pun believable um we've got a we've got a pun believable email from simon um this is a good one this would be brilliant because i've already read this email and it It means nothing to me. Simon says, I'm a big fan of 60s music. So am I, including the famous Barefoot singer Sandy Shaw.

53:30I've not heard of. I've already. This is all, yeah. No, who's Sandy Shaw? Pun believably, it never occurred to me that this name was a pun. For years, I literally never tweaked that Sandy Shaw was a pun on Sandy Shaw. Me neither. This is an absolute solid... Pun believable. Bizarrely, I was watching a documentary on the 60s when, for no apparent reason, like a thunderbolt, it struck me. Sandy Shaw is a pun. It's a pun on Sandy Shaw. Now, obviously, I keep saying the word Sandy Shaw. This doesn't work. Well. Sandy Shaw is spelled S-A-N-D-I-S-H-A-W. It's a pun on Sandy Shaw as in a beach. Yes. That's where we get into it.

54:22Yes. How many other puns have I missed? Simon says, there could be puns everywhere that I've never grasped. Oh no, I think we've sent Simon down. The world may be subtly different to how I imagined it. Have people been sniggering behind my back at my inability to get puns? This is life-changing stuff. I hope you're all right, Simon. This is great. This is exactly what I wanted to happen. It's sort of like the character Sandy Cheeks from SpongeBob SquarePants Oh, Sandy Cheeks, yeah Both my boys loved that pun when they were dead little Sometimes you're on the beach and sand gets in the crack there, doesn't it?

55:06You get Sandy Cheeks Sandy Cheeks This is exactly the kind of thing I was... Because I've heard of Sandy Shaw as well And I hadn't realised it either so you know Simon doesn't need to worry he hasn't got a you know there's nothing wrong with him but this is this is what you wanted this is exactly what I meant good email from Simon in the end it's just me that didn't get it as someone who's a fan of 60s music but the good news is Joe is that I'm now going to go and check out Sandy Shaw again I don't I don't know any of Sandy Shaw's music, but I have heard of Sandy Shaw. And, but this is what I mean.

55:48I mean, they hide in plain sight, these puns. And they go on for, they're so long lived without people realizing it. To be fair, maybe sometimes you don't, you don't think about stuff enough, which is, which I've got a WhatsApp from Joe here. Okay. And what they go on to say, makes total sense but to be honest i just haven't thought about it enough joe says hi i've been having some up unbelievable moments recently so i'm sure you can imagine my delight when i heard about the new segment yeah good wow so he's he was it was already happening to it's already happening i was on holiday well here you go i was on holiday in the sun that's important important bit of information last summer and it suddenly dawned on me that ray-bans are called that because they ban the sun's rays from your eyes.

56:45Of course they do. Yes. Yeah. It ruined the rest of my holiday. It ruined the holiday. Because I couldn't decide if I was a genius for figuring it out or an idiot for not knowing this. Love the pod. Joe. Yes, that is actually my name from Bedfordshire. This just sounds like it's me because he's called Joe and he'd already come up with Pun Believable as a feature. and also he is like me because it's he gets really thrown yeah by stuff yeah i can imagine that would ruin your holiday it would ruin my holiday yeah i didn't realize it was so this is just i assume i this is i must have just sent this i wonder if he i wonder if he had that um that's that's a good one as well i mean they're they're amazing i wonder if he had that moment day one of the holiday Thank you.

57:30And they went to the beach and he put his sunglasses on. We got another message via the Fact Up form. There's so much more as well. Yeah, this is good. Keep them coming. Christian says, pun-believable band names. Okay. Hi, Joe and James. Just listened to the latest episode and loved the new pun-believable segment. People are loving it. I couldn't help but think of one of my favourite pun genres, which is the ever clever tribute band name. This is good. some of which are better than the names of the bands they're imitating. Anyway, here's some of my favourites. Loving the Plod. The Plod. Loving the Pod.

58:06I've listened since day one. Keep up the good work. Plodcast. Various. Oh, the Met Police have brought out their own show.

58:18It's called The Plodcast. No, this isn't 999. No, you've come through to The Plodcast. No, let me transfer you. No, there's no one here, just the presenters. No, they can't help you. Here's some tribute bands, tribute acts, and their names. Oasis. Yeah. Oasis. So it's sort of like Oasis. I mean, my favourite one is Noasis. Noasis. That's the best one. Yeah. Amy Housewine. Nirvana. Nirvana's good. Fleetwood Mock. That's good. Pink fraud. That's a little bit too far away from Floyd, but it's okay. Scam fender. Stereo phonies. That's good. Fake that. That's perfect. That's literally perfect. Fake that.

59:10The rolling clones. That's good too. They are all really good. Slightly more extravagant is the elbow tribute. Arse. now there's a there's some there's some stops you have to stop at before you get to it as in you don't know your ass from your elbow so they've called themselves ass that requires too much they would need the whole bit yeah in the name every time they were on yeah no one would no one would ever book them they wouldn't know that they're an elbow an elbow tribute band okay we could book arse what do you mean well you're a big elbow fan aren't you yeah i am a big elbow fan well why don't we book arse well why would we book arse yeah but you i'm an elbow fan yeah well it's because you don't know your arse from your elbow oh okay then book oh brilliant yeah oh i said yeah it's i mean it's very clever but it's too clever okay it's not very clever but it's too clever it's too clever it's too clever it's too clever by half yes or by arse that's pun believable that's great I like how Christian says thanks for having me that's nice as well where does he say thanks oh yeah enjoy thanks for having me Christian it's nice you're welcome you're very welcome Christian let's have a little swipe or a break or a sting or something sure because we've got some big shit coming up in about three seconds time

1:00:49right here we go right we'll be back time it's time the time has come everybody to kick off the most exciting tournament happening this summer yeah if you're there it's the world up 2026 yeah because we'll be back in four years time to do this i'm sure yeah i'll be honest we've had loads more suggestions that I think are better names for this thing yeah that's fair enough the world fact up yep yeah we've gone with we've gone with I've printed off a wall chart now so I know it's too late now it's too late we've got a wall chart Joe and James world up 26 I like world up I think it's like the Beatles like it's bad but we stuck with it yeah if I start being good now then no it'd be good there's no point something good in this podcast would stick out like a sore thumb we don't want that, this is our level, I feel absolutely at home presenting a competition called the world up we've got a jingle we have but it's being made so you'll hear it next time apparently the one that I sang improvised, I improvised the jingle apparently it wasn't good enough or something have we done anything with that though?

1:02:04well we've all had a laugh in the office Right. I've got... Anyway, for the next six weeks, we'll be pitting your facts against one another to crown the ultimate Fact Up fact. Yeah. Right. So we'll have five knockout rounds with each winner earning a slot in the Fact Up final, where we'll put the facts under even more scrutiny before unveiling the winner of the World Up. So is it sort of like Britain's Got Talent rules? Yeah. Because there's always about 20 acts in the final or something, isn't there? Yeah, we'll have five finalists. We do have a wall chart behind Joe. It's quite hard to understand this wall chart, but as you can see, there's five matches in this final.

1:02:52Yeah, I don't think it matters, really. I don't think that's hard to understand, is it? No, I was joking, really. Oh, okay, good. But no, to be fair, though, initially I thought there's like five, it's a knockout round with five. I thought that's weird because it's going to end up, But of course, it's a group final. It's five semi-finals and then five will go through to the final. It's a little bit like... Is that it? Yeah. Yeah. All right, brilliant. It's a little bit like... It brings to mind Robot Wars, genuinely, with the five in the end just kicking the shit out of each other in the central area.

1:03:26Yeah. I feel like that needs to come back, Robot Wars. Nowadays, people will be able to build some amazing shit. It'd just be drones. Terrifying. That was good, Robot Wars. Obviously, as I'm sure everyone knows, I was a member of my school Robot Wars team and we did get to the grand final. Tracy. Tracy, yeah. Series one. Shoot. And carry on, Joe. Keep going. Three is obnoxious. One of the things that set our robot apart was that we had actually, I mean, I had, and I don't know what the fuck I was doing, but like we had actually built it from scratch whereas quite a lot of the robots were just remote control cars and they'd just modified them and they'd taken the shell off and put something else taken the guts and put something else and um cheating are you saying they're cheaters no I'm saying that well they didn't need to cheat they didn't win well that was their problem that was their problem not only did they try and cheat it didn't even work because someone had built a proper robot.

1:04:33We didn't win either. Right. I'll tell you one, roadblock. And before the final, they said to the guys who were controlling roadblock, you got any tactics? And he went straight in, straight out. I always remember that. I can't work out if it's good advice or bad. I think it's just very middle of the road advice. That was my dad's sex talk with me when I was about 14, 15. it was like straight in straight out thanks dad uh anyway yeah okay joe you've got your you're uh you've got the honor of presenting our first fact it comes from lily on instagram

1:05:15octopus octopuses punch fish for no reason so do we we do like yeah scientists observed octopuses swimming with fish whilst hunting and occasionally winding up and smacking a nearby fish out of nowhere even when even when the fish did nothing wrong nothing i love the idea of introducing our ethics into the world of the ocean researchers think it might be spite social policing or just their attitude what researchers are saying that but it's either their attitude spite or something to do with the police yeah i don't think any of those categories are applying under the sea but that is a i mean that's a great fact um i mean it's it's a very good opening sentence octopus is punch fish for no reason yeah yeah that is like that that really gives you the whole thing yeah and then yeah i'll be honest i think i need a reason for a good fact i'm just saying okay just saying i believe it i believe it to be true you need a why and i believe it to be a fact and i can imagine octopi because they're they're very intelligent they're intelligent now what this is a somewhat i can imagine them doing things without needing a reason i can imagine them them going about just going i'll just fancy punching that Yeah.

1:06:44I mean, this is a bit sad, isn't it? Because what we're saying is that the first evidence of intelligence is actually sort of needless cruelty.

1:06:53Yeah. If you do something for no reason, I think that's... Yeah, I agree with that. I think that's a good division to make. Yeah. And octopuses are meant to be intelligent, aren't they? I would just say... Have you seen My Octopus Teacher? I've not. It's about a man who falls in love with an octopus. Yeah. And he says it helps him get closer to his son. and I always thought if you want to get close to your son spend some fucking time with your son yeah stop hanging out stop hanging out stop hanging out with this octopus stop hanging out with the octopus it's a bit weird also is your relationship with the octopus too intense yes it is yeah no I've seen that it's Netflix isn't it that documentary or something to be honest it is actually beautiful there's an amazing thing where the octopus comes and gives him a big hug at the end and they never hug anyone they're normally really shy and actually it is lovely right so to be honest it's fine and they only live a year but also while And at one point it gets attacked by a shark.

1:07:44Oh, God. And fuck me, it nearly dies. Then it comes back. And then when they reproduce, I think Octopus is basically, they give all of their life to their young one. Basically, it just leeches out of the parent and into the young one. And then they die. And, yeah. Maybe we should option that, turn it into a screenplay. Maybe it's an opportunity for us to do one of our script reads. Yeah. You know the upside down kiss? We could do the octopus hug. Can I play the octopus? You can do the octopus. You basically have to go, and I have to go, oh, oh God, that feels so close to my son. You should spend more time with your son.

1:08:26Yeah. It is a bit, it's funny he says it made him close to his son. Yeah. How? How? How? Because you're always down there on the fucking shore. His son's there going, where's dad? He's always with his fucking octopus. In the fucking octopus again. Yeah. Oh, anyway. Good fact. I believe it. Totally believe it. Can see it happening. I just, the thing, I just need a bit, well, we'll see. Is it going up against something? Yes, it is. So we'll go for a break once you've kind of discussed this and we'll come back with the second fact. They punch fish for no reason. Is the researcher's line, is that good enough for you?

1:09:04I'm assuming not. I feel like the researchers in quotation marks are scientists that have been given a grant and have been paid to observe this behaviour didn't didn't do it I think they just hung out on the beach got some mojitos they ordered some calamari they were all sort of researching and they were like why did they do it well I don't know I don't know I'll give you three reasons and then two more if you need them. Just bad mood. Drunk. A bit too much to drink. Policing. Just policing. Policing. But these people have been paid, right? They've been, you know, do you know what I mean? I have to say, well.

1:09:52And they've come back with nothing. Well, if octopuses are capable of spite, then that does suggest real sort of higher level intelligence. Yeah. Like, they're like, I know it's cruel, but I just, I hate that guy. Yeah. You have to be quite intelligent to think that. Sort of like octopuses can be prejudice. Can be prejudiced. Maybe they just, maybe it was just a certain type of fish that they didn't like. Yeah, fish in a little wheelchair. Yeah.

1:10:29Wouldn't need a wheelchair, wouldn't they? Boat, fish in a boat.

1:10:37oh fish in a submarine yeah a little fish with a tiny fish bowl around their head or something yeah um oh well the thing i've i also have seen um a david attenborough documentary where killer whales appeared to play with seals when they basically they would kill them and they'd throw them around yeah they'd like flick them out the wall yeah i suppose the truth is is that octopuses don't have any empathy with fish i guess evil bastards and um yeah okay look it's a good fact i think in a way the weakest part of it actually ironically is the research bit at the end. That's the shout, yeah. Because they've sent people there.

1:11:31They've sent people. They've sent a team of people and they've come back with nothing. But listen, we're going to have a little break and then we're going to come back and find out what fact that's up against. So listen to some adverts. Why not? Yep. It'd be the most entertaining part of this episode. No, we're doing all right. Are we? I don't know. We're doing all right. We're doing all right. Okay. so I hope you spent that little break to buy some stuff yep that's the point of adverts isn't it yep we've got the the next fact cash we've got the next fact that the octopus fact is up against this comes from Jacob by the fact up form this is a nice quick one hmm I've read it oh dear Jacob by the fact up form says Ewan McGregor has a brother who's in the Air Force and his call tag is Obi-2.

1:12:29Because Ewan McGregor plays Obi-Wan Kenobi in in the in one of those one of those films. That just seems like a pub joke to me. That's a joke that you'd say down the pub. But what? I don't know. I don't even know if that one's true. I think it's true. I think it's true. I don't even know if Ewan McGregor has a brother. I don't know if any of it. It's all very convenient, this one. Well, people do have brothers from time to time. I know people do have brothers, but I feel like this would be common knowledge. I feel like everyone would know this already. I feel like I'd have already heard this. Fuck it.

1:13:09If Ewan McGregor had a brother. So he's in the Air Force. Right. First of all, this is so convenient. First of all, Ewan McGregor's got a brother. Second of all, he's in the Air Force, a convenient place where they have nicknames and tags and stuff. And his cool tag is OB2. Is it that... He must have been in the Air Force before Ewan McGregor was doing OB1. I don't know, man. There's too many holes in this one for me. Because you join the military when you're quite young, don't you? Yeah. You have to be young and fit, don't you? I hope so. because if there is, as we've discussed, if there is a war, I hope I'm too old.

1:13:51Yeah. I really hope I'm too old. I struggle with stairs these days. I know. But then they'd probably send you somewhere flat. I can't remember the last time I walked up an escalator. How do you? You don't have to. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I see. I see. You don't bother to. Even if I'm in a rush or, you know, I've got to be somewhere, I'm not fucking walking up. if this thing's just going to take me to the top. Yeah. Do you walk on the moving things at the airport? I do. Standing on them still feels really just so slow. The point of them is that if you have to walk to a different terminal or something like that, it's because it's a long walk.

1:14:37It's to give you a bit of a bump, right? And it's to help you get there faster. yeah it's a bit like stand on the travelators you are just taking longer to get to where you where you're supposed to get to yeah that's true you're actually going slower than walking pace and they're not there's not an incline no no it is just you're walking on a flat surface yeah don't stand on the travelators people for the love of god please they remind me a little bit of those things that you get on mario kart where it's got the arrows and it goes yeah like gives you a little boost there if they really wanted to make airports more fun they would give you that level of boost yeah have you ever been on a have you ever been on a cart in the airport on a mario cart no have you ever been on a cart in the airport have you ever got no they look fun though yeah I wonder how fast they go like are they are they really driving them well within the limits of what those things can do I think you just put your foot because if they've got a if they've got a top speed of 100 miles an hour do you reckon you could tune tune one oh yeah i'd open up the engine yeah i put some holes in it so it went and uh that's what i'd do i'd lower it yeah probably put some fuck off speakers in the back yeah yeah i mean get some speakers behind the plexiglass who's that guy from pimp my ride he was just obsessed with plexiglass we're gonna put it behind the plexiglass Yes.

1:16:07Everything was behind plexiglass. Turn the bass up. I can barely hear it. Yeah. That's what you say if you're hard at my school. Yeah. What part of the music do you want turned up? The bass. Because I'm a man. Well, it's all about that bass. It's all about the bass. Yeah. I don't want to hear the words. So, Ewan McGregor. Right. Ewan McGregor. I mean, he might have a brother who's in the Air Force. I mean, I am at liberty to share this if you want it. Can you come in? Yeah. It's up to you. Are we men a judge on the basis of... I don't know, man. I don't think we can start... I think we need to have Queen Lily May back up some stuff.

1:16:47If it would help the... You know, I could be... It would certainly help for me to learn whether it is an actual fact or not. Well, Colin McGregor is Ewan McGregor's brother. Right. And he actually was featured in a BBC show called RAF at 100. So he's been seen on camera by the BBC. Right. He's legit. and his call sign is OB2. That is true. Right. I thought it was true. He is his younger brother. He's his younger brother. I did think that it sounded true. I suppose it's the idea that you're meant to be thinking of there like, is it coming Luke Skywalker? Oh, R2's been hit. We're going down. Is it like, is that, is that?

1:17:30Is he imagining he's in it? They were like Red 1 and Red 2 during that, when they blew up the Death Star. I think you need to have a call sign. I assume it's just to make sure that you definitely understand. Two people might be called Tom. Yes. It's like your spotlight name, in a way. Yeah, you're only allowed one. There can be only one. Do you think Colin McGregor's always going in the Air Force, lads I've got an idea and they're like is it to fly into the exhaust port no what Colin McGregor Colin McGregor's always saying that because it's in if Colin McGregor it hasn't been an extra in one of the Star Wars films where he plays a fighter pilot then we've missed out there definitely but a little you mean that that would be a kind of good just be a little sort of No Easter egg.

1:18:30Because there's loads of Easter eggs in Star Wars films. Isn't Daniel Craig a stormtrooper or something? Because they shoot the Star Wars stuff in Pinewood, and that's where they shoot the Bond stuff as well. So he was just... I think they were shooting stuff at the same time, and Daniel Craig, and they were like, oh, Dan, do you want to be a stormtrooper in this thing? Yeah, apparently in The Force Awakens, he was an uncredited cameo as a stormtrooper. Yeah, and you know Dan Craig, he's a barrel of laughs, isn't he?

1:19:01I don't know. He's a fine actor and I loved him as Bond. But when you see him, when he gets interviewed, it's just like, come on, mate, cheer up. Cheer up a little bit. James Bond, for God's sake. Fucking hell. Do you want to do another Bond? What do you want? What do you want from life? What were you hoping? Honestly, I don't know. I don't know what he wanted. What did you have in mind? Tell us what you had in mind. As a British actor. Yeah. As a British male actor. Yeah. You sort of hit the peak with Bond, didn't you? I would have thought so. You sort of, that's it. That's as good as it's going to get for you.

1:19:33He was like, do you want to do another Bond? And he went, I'd rather slit my wrists. Yeah. That's what he said in an interview. Is that genuinely true? Hello, Samaritans. Who's this? But to be fair, I think any time I see that geezer in an interview, I'm like, I feel like you're moments away from slitting your wrists anyway. Like you are fucking, you need to cheer up a little bit. Is it just because you had to go on a horrible diet? Because I know that that does. I don't know. I don't know. What do you think of the new Bond candidates? Theo James is in there I'd take Theo James Well the three that are knocking around There's three main ones that are knocking around Is it Mr Darcy from the recent Wuthering Heights film Jacob Elordi Callum Turner And then I think is it Jack Dowden Is his name?

1:20:21Loudon? I don't know too much about these people Yeah Jack Loudon He's very good in Slow Horses i've not seen these people i've not watched any of their work which is a problem i'd seen a few daniel craig films before he was announced as bond and i was chuffed when daniel craig got the bond gig and i and i do think he was a good bond i do really think he was a really great really great bond yeah just needed to cheer up a little bit in the old in the in the press in the pr trail Yeah. Do it as Bond, if you must. Just stay in character. I think in hindsight, even his Bond... Needed to cheer up? Even when I, yeah, even when I watch the Daniel Craig Bond films, I'm a bit like, come on, mate.

1:21:10He does look like a guy that doesn't want to fucking be there at all whatsoever. Well, don't they say that you've kind of got, you've got the two archetypal Bonds are Roger Moore and Sean Connery? This is my theory. Yeah, this is what you said. This is why we discussed this on the previous episode. So I'm plagiarizing it. And so you basically got the kind of more masculine one or the slightly more feminine energy, a bit more humorous maybe. So Pierce Brosnan obviously probably up that end of the spectrum. Yeah. And then Craig probably all the way over here. I think we're due a little Roger Moore type bond now.

1:21:48A little more, let's get some silly gadgets in there. Let's have a bit more fun. Let's not get serious about saving the world. Yeah. I think we can have a bit more fun with it. Yeah. I think we've gone through, we've had about 20 years of misery guts bond. Yeah. And now we need someone who actually likes turning up to fucking work. Yeah. And he's not always trying to sneak off and be a stormtrooper. Like to be in your own film. You know, lots of us aren't in any films because you keep taking all the roles. Yeah, exactly. I would have been a stormtrooper. I'd do that. But no. you're giving it to someone who doesn't even need the money right so we need to Christ we need to come up with a decision right now yeah for the final who's going to go to the final we don't like sit on it for a week or something or come back have we talked enough about the aeroplane one so it's called OB2 a lot of your stuff was basically that it wasn't true we spent about 25 minutes talking about it that's what we were just doing you were saying you weren't sure if it was true It is true.

1:22:52Yeah. So now that I know it's true, which I do think is an important bit of information, I do think that, for me, is a more fulfilling fact. It explains everything. I know that it's true. The octopus one, which is great. I love the octopus. I do get some joy out of it, knowing the octopus is just smacking fish around the place. but just because the researchers went I'm like I might be spying it yeah it just it's almost over explained now and now it's I don't it's weakened the case well it just leaves me that fact leaves me wanting more it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't make me feel like I've learnt anything whereas Obi-Wan Kenobi's brother they call him Obi-Wan Kenobi in the Air Force brilliant it's less it's I'll be I'll grant you it's less scientific it's less sort of I mean nature's a tough one there are so many great nature facts yeah and you've given me the octopus punches fish I think it is and we don't know why I think I'm I'm tending more towards the octopus one yeah because I just imagine this tentacle coming out and oh it's great yeah I'd love to see it yeah um we'll have to i'll tell you something about the octopus as well if i could right let me try and throw something in for you joe to think about yeah the octopus when you grow up and you watch cartoons or things attacking ships yeah that sort of stuff giant squid yeah the kraken yeah things like that.

1:24:45When you actually see an octopus, you go, oh God, it's really unimpressive. I think the biggest octopus you can get is about as big as your fist or something. Oh, you're right, yes. They're smaller than you expect. And it's often not... They're kind of the opposite of a peacock in as much as a peacock's constantly showing off everything that it's got. Whereas an octopus seems to be obsessed with sort of not really showing you that it's got the eight legs. That's still fascinating, though. They make themselves to look like a bit of coral or something, don't they? Yeah. And they always seem to be like they're kind of the wrong way round, if that makes sense.

1:25:30I feel like the head's at the back, but then there's another load of stuff that's... What are you saying, Joe? Are we split? I don't... Are we split? Is it split decision straight away? Because we'll have to throw it over to the queen. I think we are split it, yeah. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Hang on. I'm saying that the OB2 is more... What's your reasoning? Then that can help me make my decision. Well, that's what I said. I just feel like it's a more cut and dry fact. Satisfying. I think it's more... I'm nourished. But I do understand that things happening in nature that doesn't have anything to do with humans, inherently is way more interesting.

1:26:16But I'm just leaning towards OB2. My issue is that the OB2 thing, it just feels like it's a nice joke, but it is just a joke made by a human. It's just like, oh, I'm OB2. No, but it's not a joke. It's a fact. Colin McGregor is clearly doing it as it's a little joke. He's making it a little bit wrong. It's a nice little joke. It's a nice little, that's quite funny. But also what's brilliant about that is it's not just a joke. It's a joke, right, that they've weaved into something genuinely important. The Air Force. Yeah. I'm not denying. Something serious. That the Air Force do better work than octopuses.

1:26:59What would your tag be in the Air Force? Well, these octopuses particularly. In the Air Force, well. Panic attack. that's what I'd call you panic attack yeah always on the edge always always ready to go on a panic attack the ruminator the ruminator that's nice yeah ruminator come in because we've always ruminator come in and then half an hour later I'll be like what mine would probably be plane wanker or something sure plane wanker it's on your six Roger that I think oh maybe your one is better it's not your one it's Jacob's you've adopted fucks it's hard to to me the octopus one makes me think more I sort of just think any fact with an octopus in it is inherently to me it's a bit like playing a joker well is that because of dear old palanthroform I was thinking it is a bit like palanthroform isn't it because he'd punch a fish for no reason I think we're going to have to we're going to be here all day we're going to have to throw it over to Queen Lily May well it's interesting because Joe's sort of trying to convince me to go with the octopus facts was actually to slander your facts which was an interesting sort of tactic there I was saying it was fine I was just saying that there's Joe plays, he's the master of the dark arts.

1:28:35Yeah. It's an interesting play. Mind games. He smeared my candidate. Nothing would make me happier than for James' fact to win. Yeah. It's interesting, isn't it? Watching you work. So I don't know. I think, I don't know if I like that as a tactic. So that's made me sway towards Obi-Wan, if I'm honest. But I'm charmed by the optimist. The purity of the Jedi rather than the sort of Machiavellianism of... you know, the empire. Angry fish, angry octopus. Go on, where are we going, Lily Mae? Yeah, I think, I think we're going to go for OB2. OB2. OB2's in the final. All right. Well, I'll be honest with you, both facts are a bit shit.

1:29:19I don't think that's, I don't think that's true at all. I don't think they're both good facts. I do feel a bit. James, the shit that we turn up with. Yeah, yeah, I know. I mean, just not, these were both very solid. Yeah, okay. I once came in and said that the number of vans on the road had increased a bit. I had all week to come up with that. Well, Jacob's fact that Ewan McGregor has a brother who's in the Air Force and his call tag is OB2 has made it to the final. We're going to have to leave you there. We'll love you and leave you. I'm all fact out. What have we learned today, Joe? We've learned that...

1:29:58We've learned that Sandy Shaw was a pun on Sandy Shaw. we've learned that octopus is just fucking like to knock people out not not people but other fish yeah um i've got a real problem that must be a thing with um what do you call it personifying animals yeah anthropomorphizing yeah as in making them feel like they're humans like are we like we'll be in the living room and i'll be talking about the dog and i'll be like oh he's the only person in this house and Clay goes not a person

1:30:32he's not absolutely a person but he's he's something he's something but we've learned that octopi is that a word I think isn't it octopuses it's octopuses octopi I think comes from the Latin because I was looking at this when writing this up they punch things and we've also learned that that Ewan McGregor's brother is called Obi-2 in the Air Force. Maybe two. Which is great. Jacob's in the final. Yeah, Jacob, well done. Your facts got you into the final, mate. So stick around. Yeah. He's like the jockey in the facts, like his horse. Yeah. Yes? Yep. Yeah. Yeah, I didn't, I wasn't listening. That's okay.

1:31:12Don't forget. You can do that. Just carry on as I... Right. We'll be back. We'll be back. We hope that you've learned something. That's the main thing. But we'll be back next week, armed with more facts, chats, and another World Up match. And don't forget that you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to. If you'd like to compete in the World Up 26, our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. And also you can follow us on social media and you can write your World Up facts there as well. At joandjamespod. Head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details.

1:31:50Bye, guys. Thank you very much. Bye.

1:31:57Jalen James, Facts Up!

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