Harry Styles Saved Us!

0:00In a world where AI is changing every role in every industry, knowing who actually has deep expertise matters more than ever. Upwork connects you with the highly skilled freelance professionals with proven track records, so you can hire with confidence. Upwork gives your business fast access to highly skilled specialists with deep expertise, so you can fill critical skill gaps, launch projects faster, and scale support up or down without committing to full-time headcount. With Business Plus, you can access the top 1 % of talent on Upwork. AI-powered shortlisting delivers a curated shortlist of top freelancers matched to your goals in under six hours.

0:36No endless searching required. Thousands of growing businesses already trust Upwork to hire highly skilled freelance professionals for everything from one-off projects to ongoing support. It's free to sign up, and posting a job is easy. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That is Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U-P-W-O-R-K dot com. Upwork dot com. Back to school is busy enough. The last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder. Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place.

1:15Furniture, bedding, storage, decor, study essentials, all at prices you'll love. With fast shipping before move-in day. Get everything you need for back to school season Shop Wayfair.com today Wayfair, every style, every home We were doing It was Spinal Tap That promotional tour of America Wait, what was that about Harry Styles? The Inbetweeners Harry Styles tweeted about the first Inbetweeners film And basically that got it a bit of interest But we were supposed to be bringing it out in America And it went so badly It was just like we they kind of We've spoke about it before surely We don't know about the film but he's not mentioned Harry No, no we got Harry James got Harry Siles to tweet about it and basically that essentially constituted the entire promotional efforts for the first film that was actually successful there was meant to be a promotional tour as well and it just it was like everything went wrong it was like we like stuff got cancelled people just journalists just didn't turn up yeah we were out of Minneapolis one We went all the way to Minneapolis He arranged an interview in a cafe That had gone out of business about three years ago The cafe was all boarded up Yeah no yeah At one point I had Harry's number I remember that Did you ever text Harry Styles I doubt it Booty call I've had some We'll give it a go if you're lonely Here's my from the 9th of October, 2011.

2:51Hi, mate. Nice to meet you today. Just shout for those tickets. Won't be a problem, Harry. Wow. And then I got back to him. I got back to him the next day because I'm fucking cool like that. Yeah. Cheers, man. You're a star. Good luck on the tour. I'm sure you'll smash it. Keep me posted on how you get on. Should have texted back, who dis? Who dis? Wow. That's amazing. That's how you show you're not bothered, isn't it? Who dis? Who dis? New number, who dis? I sent that to my son Harrison the other day. He sent me a text message. I just went, new number, who this? Or block him. And he didn't get it.

3:29Block him. He was like, what? Oh, no. He's just briefly heartbroken. You didn't get a message that I sent you. When was it? Yesterday. About petrol. No, somebody got... No, no. Right? You didn't get a bunch of messages about petrol? No, I made a little jokey comment in our WhatsApp group, me, Claire and Katie. Someone gave us a gift yesterday. And Katie said, oh, you left without your gift. We were doing Gogglebox yesterday and the production company gave us a gift. But they never actually gave it to us. So I was like, oh, nobody gave it to us. Katie said, I'll bring it to London, which she hasn't done.

4:17and then she put it's body wash and lotion and I just went what's that? and then Katie went the gift I was like I was just like oh just you know you've got some body wash for you what's body wash? that was the joke I was trying to make oh dear well anyway oh it was a joke? yes I just thought you meant I don't really know what body lotion is that's a bad one You're kidding. Body lotion? Yeah. It's a special lotion. Is it from the body shop? No, it's a special lotion that's ground from people's bodies. Now you're talking. And you put it on your body. Don't get me wrong. Then you live forever. So you kill a 40-year-old.

5:03Yes. Grind them up. Smear it on you. And you get 40 years back. So I become two. It needs to be a 21-year-old virgin. Okay, fine. And you grind them down. Grind them down. Into a paste. Yeah. And you just rub that into your skin. Yeah, yeah. I feel like that is something the Kardashians would do. Yeah, yeah. If they could. Yeah. Someone told them it'll make them live forever. Yeah. And the most important thing in life is to live for as long as you possibly can. Do you know what? I can't get out of my head, Joe. Because I'm drinking a little LucasAid Sport at the moment. Yeah. Which has got electrolytes in it.

5:37Yeah. And I just can't get that song out of my head. I keep in my head, I keep singing.

5:46electrolytes

5:52what's the last song that you just couldn't escape from and do you know what this is a shit thing to even talk about now because now all I'm going to do is remind you of that song you've probably forgotten about it it would have been just like long pigs well long pigs is often in my I mean something that's irritated you Actually, it just would have been one of the fucking Peppa Pig nonsense that we have to listen to all the time. It was the one that goes, da, da, da, da, I'm a stegosaurus. All children's songs are either about dinosaurs or farts. Right. Or in some cases, both. That's the mother load.

6:33It's like, oh, the fartosaurus. We never had Peppa Pig on in our house. Claire couldn't do it. Listen, I'm going to say about Peppa Pig. I find the animation almost insultingly lazy. That's fine. I like sort of weird. They're all the fucking same. I know, but I don't mind sort of simplistic animation. I think there's something actually quite... It's an aesthetic that's quite cool. The problem was that Claire just thought that Peppa Pig was just a little bitch. She was just like, Peppa Pig is such a little prick. Everyone else is fine in that TV show. She's such a little fucking... busy body getting involved and her opinion.

7:15I don't know. I didn't really get to watch Peppa Pig. The Peppa Pig thing sort of... And our kids were really tiny at the time when Peppa Pig was massive. But Claire was like, no, get off. There's a famous scene where, I don't know if you've seen this, but Peppa Pig is trying to learn how to whistle. And she's struggling to whistle. And she calls up her friend and says, do you know how to whistle? and her friend's like, oh, let me see if I can give it a go. They whistle and Peppa Pink just hangs up on them because they can whistle and she's not. Yeah, rude. That's kind of rude. That's the sort of stuff that Claire could not stand.

7:49I couldn't believe that was allowed to be on television. How rude. I actually know that scene. Yeah. And she does crack it in the end, doesn't she? I think she does it. She's like, oh, I never heard of a whistle. She's almost exhaling in frustration and then the whistle comes. Then the whistle comes. She doesn't deserve it though, you're right. No. She doesn't deserve to succeed. She's got a rotten attitude. Yeah, her attitude stinks. It does stink, actually, yeah. It's very unsporting. If you can't lose with grace, you don't deserve to win. Yeah, Claire's like that with a lot of sort of... She's got a real problem about children's characters.

8:23She can't stand Harry Potter. She's always banging on about Harry Potter. She's just constantly like, who does he think he is? He's so arrogant. Because we're all supposed to hate Snape and stuff. It's like, oh, we better put the cloak of invisibility on, because if Snape catches us in the corridor, he'll tell us to go back. Yeah, of course. And Claire's like, yeah, he's the teacher. Yeah. And it's always like, oh, Voldemort's going to come to the school. We can battle him. No, get a teacher. Get some help. Yeah. What are you teaching the children here? You find a policeman. That's what I was told when I was a kid.

9:03Yeah. Get out. Get the fire brigade out. Yeah. Stay out. and there's none of that. Everything's always like, and he's got all that money in Gringotts and stuff, and he's so special. Do you think... And the rules don't, that's what Claire always says, the rules don't apply to him, do they? Yeah. There is favouritism. And also, at the end of the first film, I hate to say it, Dumbledore rigs the House Cup. Yeah, he does. He rigs it. I mean, he does, he comes, Slytherin are going to win, and he just makes up a reason to give Neville Longbottom 10 points for nothing. I mean, he's a sweet kid, but...

9:40But also, doesn't he do something like... It's most improved, isn't it? Doesn't he do something like... And Gryffindor will lose 50 points because Harry Potter was out battling. But for sheer bravery, we're going to give them 100 points. Yeah, that's it. What's the lesson? Yeah. No, it's true. That's true. I think she became aware of the... She tried to write in some Slytherin characters who were... Because at the beginning you're like, what is it with this house where they're just... I know. You'd just be like, oh, he's gone to Slytherin. Right, he's a wrong one. I know. He's obviously a wrong one then.

10:21Yeah. He's a death eater. It's a big... Yeah. With that saying, there's a bit of ambiguity at the beginning about whether or not they're just the school bullies. or whether they're like... Evil. Evil. Or they're like a sort of skull and bones society. Yeah, that's right, yeah. So at the beginning it's like, oh, he stole my lunch money. But then after a while it's like, and he's a Nazi. Because then it always, it sort of carries on, doesn't it? Because you go to the Ministry of Magic and you've got like the Weasley dad who works there and he's a nice guy that works for the Ministry. Yeah. But the bad people, oh, he used to be in Slytherin.

11:00So like, oh, all right then. So we've worked out now that anyone that was either in Slytherin or is in Slytherin now is an evil bastard. Is that what... Yeah. And don't get me started on Quidditch. I still can't work out how that works. Well, again, it's like... You score points by doing something or another, and it doesn't stop until someone finds the golden snitch. But then if you find the golden snitch, your team wins anyway. Yes, Mantle. So it's all pointless. Yeah, it's basically like... You just have two seekers trying to find the golden snitch. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, everyone should be looking for the snitch.

11:31forget about all the other stuff. Yeah. When you score it, you get to get all that trouble and get it through the hoop. Yeah. And it's like one point. Yeah. And then if you catch the snitch, it's like a million points. Slytherin will be up 10-0 or something. It's like, oh, but wait a minute, Harry's found the golden snitch. So ha ha ha. Yeah. It's full of cheat codes, isn't it? It is. It's a very cheat code-y. It's almost as if somebody just made it up as they went along. Honestly, unbelievable. It's almost as if it's a children's book that someone made up as they went along. Yeah, it's perhaps carrying, it's probably carrying, it's probably become too much of a proxy for various things for too many people and we probably need to but I do also the time travel one annoys me as well the one where you can tell many people's favourite film she's going to different classes at the same time Hermione can go back in time if you can go back in time everything's mean forget all of it then forget all of it forget everything doesn't matter does it doesn't matter then and again why has she got it and why is it not there in the other Dumbledore gave it to her because she's so bright and she wanted to do so many classes, there wasn't enough time for her to do with.

12:31Until she came to the school, she'd been sitting around. Like, give it to someone else who's bright. And she's a little fucking half-blood. What exactly? Mudblood. Mudblood. Not half-blood. Don't say that. Don't put that in. Isn't Harry Potter the half-blood prince? Isn't that what they call him? No, Snape's the half-blood prince. Snape's the half-blood prince. Snape's the half-blood prince. That's right, yeah. Yeah, that's right. But she's a mudblood. Just shove a bezoia in its mouth, he writes in his potions book. potions he was always he coveted the potions position didn't he that's the one he always wanted no no he always wanted dark arts oh that was it dark arts he was stuck in potions yeah does he get it in the end I think he does at some point it's been a long time since I've read the books Umbridge is a great villain though Umbridge is a genuinely which one's Umbridge the lady the horrible little like you know you've been bad yeah that is that's like the voice in my head That is the voice in my head.

13:28Right. And I think probably for quite a lot of people. Does it turn you on a little bit? Yeah, yeah. Do you ever get Hannah to talk to you like that? Yeah, well, there's an outfit. You know you've been bad. Yeah, she hasn't won.

13:40And so on. And it comes to its natural conclusion. And it comes then things as ginger as they would. And then we go back in time. And do it again. And then you get your big Patronus out. Yeah. And then she gets a lot of house points all over her. She gets covered in house points. That's it, covered in house points. She was like, well, I was prepared for 50, but this is like 100. And you're like, well, we haven't had a house cut for a while, have we?

14:15So sorry. Oh, dear. Oh.

14:28Ooh, electrolytes. Welcome to Joe and James Fact Up, a podcast loosely about facts, but is more about the chats. If you want to get in touch, our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. And you can follow us on socials at joeandjamespod. And you can watch all our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts. Just search for Joe and James Fact Up. Now, let's get fact up.

15:00Back to school is busy enough. The last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder. Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place. Furniture, bedding, storage, decor, study essentials, all at prices you'll love with fast shipping before move-in day. Get everything you need for back-to-school season. Shop Wayfair.com today. Wayfair, every style, every home. In a world where AI is changing every role in every industry, knowing who actually has deep expertise matters more than ever.

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16:50firmly attached it to a book and climbed on top and rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics. Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.

17:02What's going on, Joe? What am I doing? What am I doing at the moment? It's just a bit hot. I've only got the fan going all the time. I started with a flap out of the fan. And Hannah said, I don't think there's any difference. But no. Oh, with a Hoover? We've got a Dyson fan. Right, yeah, bladeless One of those tower fans Yeah, I've got one, yeah I swear the cooling thing's broken It's just I don't think it's making anything cooler Oh, is it one of the fat ones? I've got an old No, it's like a big It's like a hippodrome shape Like you say But on end The base is a little bit bigger Then it goes in And then the thing comes out of it The big, yeah See, mine I bought mine years ago It's done No, I've got the high one Yeah But your bottom You've got a better one than mine Have I?

17:47Your bottom's bigger yeah which we all prefer your bottom's bigger thank you and it has like a cooling thing on it right yeah does it have a heating thing as well um it I think it does I don't know why I don't know why you never need that but um if you're in a caravan or something I don't know you do yeah I've just to be fair we've still got electric heaters in our front room because there's no any radiators in there because the house is not ready no it's not ready to be lived in yeah here you are I've just adjusted I've just adjusted to it now but now when I go in I'm like this is mad that we live like this yeah we won't be forever will it get it sorted I am going to get it sorted but at the moment just in the mornings I'm just like you know my daughter will go like where's my blue bag and I'm like it could be anywhere like there's a room just for the crap it's just all right no we've just never been it's all right but i tell what to do i had the upstairs room tested for asbestos and there isn't any good thank god so i can tidy that up now brilliant amazing well um you guys have been sending in some of the speaking of fact up stuff you guys have been sending in some of your fact up stuff for us to discuss we've got a voice note here joe from Sonny.

19:11Yes, Joe, James, hope you're all good. Sonny speaking here, big fan of the pod boys. Here's one for you. So I grew up in London and both of you boys being Essex lads may have come across it too. But growing up, there were always, or you would always see parrots or parakeets flying around in and around London. I say always, you know, they're not everywhere, but you did see them and obviously parrots are not supposed to be in london or anywhere near london unless they're in a zoo as joe would know yeah i've heard a few stories over the years of how they ended up in london um like they've escaped the zoo and they just started breeding themselves one i think my dad told me was that they were filming the pirates of the caribbean film they brought them over for it and then they escaped and they now just a native there but But I don't know if you've come across it or if you've heard any weird stories as to how they ended up in London, but be interested to know.

20:15Cheers, boys. Well, thanks, Sonny. Have we not spoke about this already? I don't think we have. Oh, God. Well, he's absolutely right. There are, for those who don't go in London, they're emerald green, you know, like palanthroform. Yeah. They're palanthroform coloured. They come to a tree in my garden. Yeah. Do you want to know about the trees in my garden? Go on. just dying. Right. All of them just dying. Like there's, it's horrible. Does anything work in your house? Nothing works. I get the impression that maybe my garden is becoming a bit of a talking point. I'm going to be honest. I think maybe some of the people living near me are a bit like.

21:02I think you're going to not have to go to the zoo anymore. Yeah. Your garden keeps going the way it is. You've got parrots Some foxes. Some of the stuff in the zoo. I'm like, well, I've already, I've got that already. Yeah. All I need is a Komodo dragon. And then I can open my own zoo. That'd be funny. But yeah, so I've got, so there were two trees in my garden. And I say this because one of the, one of them, the taller one, the lovely bright green parakeets would come and sit in it. And one day it had gone. And my next door neighbour told me that it appeared to have died overnight. and now she says the one next to it which is called a copper beech it's a lovely tree that seems to be dying as well

21:49certainly half of it's died it's got dead limbs get someone in I know I know but I'm just I'm so get a tree surgeon I know I know I need to get a tree surgeon in and I don't yeah I know I do need to do that because I don't want to live in a you don't want because you can't get rid of a fucking dead tree how the fuck do you get rid of that I don't know well at the moment real pain in the arse I've been trying to get rid of are they near the fence or anything yeah oh mate that's going to be tricky well the lady who lives near me who said that the tree which I think was in fact in her garden but it was right just the other side the one that died her son is a tree surgeon so he was able to come and get rid of it well get rid of it right I think it did die I don't think he was one of these it wasn't like those two blokes who chopped the tree down from last.

22:39It had died on its own. And around me people are very protective of the trees. There's a save the trees thing at the end of my road. They're quite important, trees. And they are important. People really like them. I like them. And it now appears that my garden is a place that trees die in. The trees are dying. Yeah, the garden, the place where trees go to die. That feels so sad. It feels so sad. So I don't know. It's a copper beach. So at the moment, the parakeets are in there. Right. I've heard the story that they escaped from London Zoo. I've heard they escaped from London Zoo. I heard Pinewood.

23:17They came from Pinewood. Okay. For a film. Well, Pirates of the Caribbean. Pirates of the Caribbean. Feels a bit recent. I assume he's talking about the, I don't know. Oh, an earlier one. Wasn't there a Pirates of the Caribbean film from the 40s or 50s or something? Yeah. I also heard that they were Jimi Hendrix's pets Okay That escaped I feel like I've heard that as well Maybe from you Probably Probably I don't talk to anyone else I mean I do think I mean they're there They're an invasive species They're thriving They've been around for a while now I think a good sort of 60 or 70 years I think they've been Yeah Knocking about I don't know how I feel about them because I like them when I see them I like them but are they

24:10damaging some other poor I'd say this but do they fit in culturally are they prepared to assimilate because I know that a lot of people because now my daughter's nursery they don't even celebrate Easter anymore they celebrate some bird thing right I mean no I don't know what about is it a feminine thing let's see it's a girls festival right she's got an opportunity to join some clubs now at nursery oh yeah she's going up into the year what um what clubs choir I was thinking about choir I thought she might quite like choir is she a good singer she's very loud yeah I mean so she'd be a good she is actually actually she is a good singer you'd hear her you'd hear her she wouldn't need a microphone or anything good turn her down if anything like barry from east end yeah

25:09um so yeah that was the one i that was the one that stood out i thought yeah i could imagine but i don't think uh i don't think anyone's genuine i don't think anyone has ever actually got to the bottom of it i don't think there is a i think there's lots of theories and lots of different stories and no one has been able to oh this is a strange this is new territory for fact up because it's like we know it's there we know it's happening yeah but we just don't know how yeah we don't know what the fact behind the fact is well i like you i'm happy they're there it's a splash of color in a dreary world yeah do they queen lily may can you find out whether they're their being here is a detriment to any to sort of yeah because it is like the old the grey squirrel yeah yeah that's it are they are they eating anything I think I've seen I can only remember one time I've ever seen a red squirrel I've never seen one I saw one and I was like fucking hell it's a red squirrel yeah so I can see here that it says wild parakeets cause well can cause significant damage particularly notorious for destroying garden crops fruit orchards and stripping bark and buds from trees oh my god I've just had a thought is it killing the trees?

26:40oh my god because it is the trees that they sit in they've already killed one now they're killing another one it's a parakeet evil fucking hell evil they'll be getting into positions of power next as well. Unbelievable. I can't believe it. It was there. It's so obvious now. It's in plain sight. They were there. They were fooling you. Thumbing their nose at me. Because all you were obsessed with was how pretty they were. How pretty they were. What you didn't know was they were taking you for a ride, mate. They've bled you dry. Oh, my God. The problems only started when they arrived on the scene

27:29It does also say they damage property by chewing off roof beams Electric cables and building cavities So you should be careful What they can do now? Look at this You're finished My god I'm pretty sure my tumble dryer's not drying properly So I mean Yeah Foxes Well, probably the poor fox, one eye. Well, maybe a parakeet had his eye. That fox was trying to get a message to me. That fox was on his way to Warnia. And someone got to him first. Yeah. Fuck. Scared him off. Well, I mean, this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. So it was the fucking filthy, dirty little parakeets. I think you should write a little children's book for your daughter about a gang of parakeets.

28:19A gang of parakeets. in the garden that are picking on all the other animals. Oh, my God. And no one... And destroying the trees and stuff. And it'll be a good message. It'll be like, just because they're pretty, everybody... And it's actually... And it's the poor, ugly, disparaged fox. Beauty is but skin deep. Absolutely. Oh, I tell you what, have you heard the Welsh legend about the dog? A man is so sad. A man has a dog. And he leaves the dog to defend his baby while he goes out. And he's like... And people are like, you're stupid leaving that dog with the baby. The dog will kill the baby. He says, no, no.

28:53I can trust this dog with my life. He goes out and he comes back. And the baby's gone. And the dog has blood around his mouth. Oh, no. And so he kills the dog in fury for having betrayed him and killed his baby. And then he hears the cries of the baby. And the baby is alive and well. And it's just under some blankets. He just hasn't seen it. And then he finds at the back of the room the body of the wolf that the dog has killed to protect the baby. And that's whales. They're so sad. Just tell a nice tale. They're so sad, isn't it? Anyway, so the poor old dog. Such a sad story, that. Yeah. So sad.

29:37But, you know, be nice to your dog, basically. Yeah. Treat the dog. Even if he has eaten your baby, just have a look. Treat the dog. Because it might not have. Treat the dog like a big head. Treat it like a head? Thank you for that message, Sonny. That's really interesting. And I mean, my God, my eyes have been opened. I didn't see them. I don't think they're out in Essex, those parakeets. No. I don't remember ever seeing them in Dagenham growing up. I think they're very sort of central London. Maybe west London as well. They stay in London. Why? I actually have them near me in up north as well.

30:15Oh, they're up north as well? Yeah, there's parakeets up there. Oh, there you go, see? Okay. My trees are still alive, though. Well, for now. For now, yeah. True. Yeah, well. I wonder what the legalities are of... Yeah. I'm not saying they should be put down. I'm just saying that in my life, I'd rather not live. Because I'm just getting into yoga. Yoga. I'm just getting into yoga. Right, Joe, it is time for Fact Check. This is where we'll be reading a fact or question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of, and then we're going to have a good think during the break. We'll come back and let you know how true it feels to us and to decide whether it passes our fact check.

31:02Last week was exciting. Yes. Yeah, that was a good one. It was Deb. I can't remember her fact. It was Deb. She said that if you hold the person's hand, it's tickling. Yeah, brilliant. We did. It was a new one for me. I'd never heard that before. Yeah, we were too shy to test it. But I loved the fact we said on the basis of the fact that it's just quite fun, we'll say it's true. Turned out it was actually true. It got verified by Queen Lily May. Yeah. It was a roller coaster. If you missed last week's episode, you really missed out on something. So this week's fact check comes from Andy, who has sent us this.

31:37He says, here's a weird one. apparently every single human starts life with an arsehole before they have a mouth i think that explains a lot to be honest with you explains how we got to this very moment now well yeah well we've never we've never evolved the other bit um during uh the first few weeks of embryonic development the opening that becomes your anus forms before the opening that becomes your mouth right so biologically speaking every person on earth was an arsehole before they could talk uh that's from andy aka rue 41

32:20that's from andy who's 41 um so we're gonna um yeah put your put your ages next to your yes on your letters to us. That's funny. We're going to get on the case. Roo's quite funny as well because it's not at all clear the journey that's gone from Andy to Roo. Well, maybe his name's Rooney or something. We're going to have a break. Think about that and we'll be back and let you know what we've thought about.

32:55in a world where ai is changing every role in every industry knowing who actually has deep expertise matters more than ever upwork connects you with the highly skilled freelance professionals with proven track records so you can hire with confidence upwork gives your business fast access to highly skilled specialists with deep expertise so you can fill critical skill gaps launch projects and scale support up or down without committing to full-time headcount. With Business Plus, you can access the top 1 % of talent on Upwork. AI-powered shortlisting delivers a curated shortlist of top freelancers matched to your goals in under six hours.

33:32No endless searching required. Thousands of growing businesses already trust Upwork to hire highly skilled freelance professionals for everything from one-off projects to ongoing support. It's free to sign up, and posting a job is easy. Visit Upwork.com right now and post your job for free. That is Upwork.com to connect with top talent ready to help your business grow. That's U-P-W-O-R-K dot com. Upwork.com. Back to school is busy enough. The last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder. Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place.

34:12furniture, bedding, storage, decor, study essentials, all at prices you'll love with fast shipping before move-in day. Get everything you need for back to school season. Shop Wayfair.com today. This week on Help I Sexted My Boss. Some lad on one of those line bikes had gone into the back of my car. I chased him halfway down the street in just my shorts. Why have you not told your bank. You have moved house. Who does that? I'm speechless. You have not done that. He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a suction cup to f***, firmly attached it to a book and climbed on top and rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics.

34:54Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.

35:00All right, welcome back. Hello. Right. This is Joe and James Fact Up, by the way. We were just fact-checking on behalf of Andy, who wanted to know if every human starts life as an arsehole Now, can I say, this is very interesting because I've actually just been reading about the evolution of the anus and the mouth. Of course you have. And it's actually quite evolutionarily significant. It was one of the first things that living things had rather than just being kind of very simple, kind of just a collection of cells, just filtering things. And it really, really made a difference to life on Earth.

35:34So what happened is that you used to have basically, and before you had the mouth and the anus, you had just one thing that was both. So really early life had one opening. It was the mouth and it was the anus. And quite a significant step was having the mouth and the anus at different ends. Yeah, of the system. Because, and I think also, yeah, at different ends of the system, because it meant that, you're talking about like tiny things, right? But the feces all came out in a single blob rather than just being sprayed into the water. Yeah. And it all sank to the bottom. And that did something where it meant that some other forms of life went to the bottom of the sea.

36:23It was quite significant in there being more oxygen. One of the main reasons there was more oxygen in the air. at a time where there hadn't been much oxygen up to that point was because of the development of the anus. Right. That is true. I have to say, the paragraph in which it was explained, I actually didn't understand it. I had to do the thing where, which I don't like doing, but I do have to do where I have to force myself to move on, even though I haven't understood the paragraph. So something went to the bottom of the sea. A load of feces. So shit started going to the bottom. Shit to the bottom of the sea.

36:53And then green stuff started growing on it. And that meant that stuff that I think the oxygen would have reacted with at the top was now at the bottom. So it was away from the oxygen, which meant that there could be more oxygen in the atmosphere or something like that. Something like that. I buy that. Basically, yeah, the development of the anus is actually really important. And I'm not surprised that it happens early in embryonic life because it is one of the first things that happened in life at all. And it sometimes seems to be the case to me. I'm not a scientist, that some of the stuff that we evolved earliest as living things seems also to weirdly be a bit like the first things that happen in the womb.

37:35So we sort of evolved from fish and a really young fetus looks a little bit like a fish. So it's almost like they do, it's like they do the whole process of evolution just in that nine months inside the womb. So it's like all the, like, it's like they reread everything they've written up until that point. I don't know whether that's true but it is true about the anus it sounds true first of all this is pretty cut and dry for me it's a fact about anuses you know how I feel about that they're just true as far as I'm concerned the world up the fact was won by an anus fact there we go there we go also it makes sense for the anus to to start before the mouth because you don't really need your mouth you're getting you're connected by the point called aren't you point yeah but you do need to excrete stuff yeah so i'm gonna go oh i'm just gonna that that's so fact it hurts nice yes that one it sounds very good to me um well he's obviously i mean he's no mug he knows his age oh yeah he's yeah he's a bit of a maths guy so you know 41 and all that and you know successful user brackets as well yeah he's basically a sort a coder yeah it sounds true to me i i'm i'm very happy to throw it over to the queen you know i'm i've had a i've had a little look yeah and i think there's a few different sort of bits of research about this across the animal kingdom um and i think it's it the fact can be true and untrue for different animals but the sort of general consensus is that the mouth and anus are from the same system in your body obviously your digestive tract yeah so so that is one sort of system so it usually starts with your anus but generally speaking because it is part of one system it sort of forms yes as that part to start with but usually the anus part of that develops first rather than the mouth part but it is different depending on your species because some animals like a jellyfish, it remains the same whole.

39:42Yeah, that's what I'm saying. So yeah, some animals, mouth and anus. They're very primitive, aren't they, the jellyfish? They are primitive. I'm not slagging them off. No, no, they are primitive, but they still do a pretty good job. I think that's the general sort of concern. So yeah, we're going to go. I think there's more research that needs to be done on this, though, actually. All right. Yeah. Okay. Well, no, we've decided. It's fact. That sounds correct. Yeah, that sounds right. Yeah. Perfect. Well, that's good. And also, that's fact that it has actually lined up with what... So, yeah, one system can be the same, but if it's not the same, anus tends to come first, but might not.

40:29Yeah. Brilliant. Love it. Brilliant. What do you want to do, Joe? We could do... We've got another little message here, or we could go into your fact and save the message to the end. Would you want to hear my fact? Well, because I was just, yeah, I think, is that all right? Of course it is. It's a bit rock and roll, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, fuck it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my fact is actually from the same book that was about anuses and it's about the history of the world, the deep history of the world, so way before humans and everything. Yeah. And it is a bit like your fact of last week, which was about asteroids and stuff.

41:08But did you know that Earth, our very own Earth, did at one point have rings? I did know that. A long, long time ago. But do you know what happened to those rings? Became the moon? They became the moon. Yeah. They became the moon. Brilliant fact. Great fact. And I mean, it makes me think about, you know, our conversation, was it last week about, about aliens and and it it's interesting for how long the earth really really just was totally inhabitable really yeah and then even when it was life it was like single like by far single-celled or like by far the most long-lived form of life there's ever been on the earth was this thing that was basically just like a kind of load of basically a bacterial colony and for for like sort of millions of years that was completely dominant and in and you know in i suppose in darwinian terms incredibly successful because it was alive it was life yeah so it makes me think in terms of like aliens probably a big part of it is like we are only we've only been around as a species for such a small amount of time you know maybe we're just not so with titan maybe there will be life on titan yeah but it'll be so far in the future that will or maybe will titan probably gone as well by that point but or titan you know might hit an iceberg as well um no but i think um i think a planet in the early when the solar system was forming i think a planet smashed into earth that came up as well and um that's one of the theories yeah that's right yeah and loads of earth just got boshed off yeah and so it created a ring for a bit and then all that ring sort of got together.

42:59So what we need to do is get that moon, make a paste, we've been talking about this, paste it up, smear it back on the Earth. Saturn's rings aren't that old. How old are they? Lily May. I've forgotten what it is off the top of my head but I learned about it during the week there and I was like, fuck me, Christ. A quick search says that they're between 10 million and 400 million years old. It's not that old. No, that does sound old. I thought I heard that. This makes them far younger than the planet itself, which formed 4.5 billion years ago. Oh, yeah, yeah. So I think when Earth had its rings, I think Saturn didn't have the rings.

43:36Yeah, and Saturn's rings are going as well. Are they going to turn into a moon? I don't know if they'll turn into a moon. There is at least one moon on Saturn that is in its rings. Inside the rings? Okay, so little bits might begin to coalesce. And I think it's really hot because it's... I might be getting my moons mixed up here. There's a moon that's really close. It's either Saturn or Jupiter, one of the big gas giants, one of the big boys on our solar system. Jupiter's kind of... That's the boss, isn't it? I think that it's either Saturn or Jupiter. There's a moon that's dangerously close to it.

44:17And it's so hot because it's almost like egg-shaped a little bit as well because it's been squished and twisted and turned and all that friction is creating a load of heat on the planet. It will eventually fall into the planet, whether that's Saturn or Jupiter, I don't know. It'd be good if I remembered the stuff that I'd learnt. That'd make doing this podcast a lot easier, that's for sure. Jupiter's got that big permanent storm. It's got that big block. That's a storm that's been going on for ages. Yeah, the red eye. a moon or something called low which is a volcanic active world in our solar system which which is suggested but there's also near saturn um a moon that's icy and freezing but also really hot because of sort of um hydrothermic vents right did you mention io there oh is it io yeah i know because my my friend was in a band called io i called it low i couldn't tell if it was That's a good band as well.

45:20Both good bands. Both good bands, yeah. Don't worry about it. Low. You know. Is that a Radiohead album or song? No, Low. Oh. Low are a very nice band. I think the drummer died. I think they're Mormons. Oh. Aren't the killers Mormons? Killers are Mormons. The band. The band. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not all killers. They're Mormons too. These Mormons. I think they've got quite a good work ethic, Mormons. They don't drink. They're quite sort of... I think they put a lot of pressure on each other. They put a lot of pressure. And I tell you what, if you want to see somebody, if you want to see quite an intense person, an old ex-Mormon, they are intense.

46:11They are intense. They've made their way out of a religion. They've argued their way out of it. and to do that has required quite a lot of intellectual rigour on their part and I think they find it quite hard to turn off that intellectual rigour I know I do to turn it off I struggle with that please Joe you've got too much integrity please try and just chill out man no I can't I'm on a mission and our moon's floating away isn't it what a shame it's moving further away from us that's going to be a problem what we need that flag back you mean yeah you won't be getting that back we left all our stuff on there yeah it's like the tide's coming in it's like it's like kicking your ball over the neighbours the day you're moving house yes there's loads of balls in our back garden no one's ever not for them do you know what right because the garden looks mental there was a ball in my back garden and I kept kicking it back over and every day it was back in the garden I was going to clear fucking kids next door they keep kicking it over yeah like every day It's been going on for about four days, Claire.

47:19I keep kicking this ball. And she went, that's our ball.

47:25That's so good. Have I told you the story about how I did an audition once for America and I put it on Vimeo or whatever. Yeah. And it had like, I looked on, you can see how many people have watched it. Oh, no. And it had two views. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to say it had 2.5 million views. No, no, no, no. It hadn't gone public or anything. Joe's audition It had two views and the next day it had three And the next day it had four And I kept checking it and then it had gone up to like six And I was like bloody hell it's getting passed up the chain It's getting passed up to higher and higher producers After I realised they were all me It was you, you kept checking it They were all me Got up to about 20 Joe and James Fight Up

48:11Hey listen we've got some extra correspondence here from Adam via the Fact Up WhatsApp. Apparently he's got a fact of love for us. Adam says I hope you're all well. I'll start with a question. Do you prefer smooth orange juice? Orange juice with bits in it. Smooth orange juice. Bits please. I like the bits. Of course you do. Of course you do. It makes me feel more like it's actually come from an orange. Do you know what? the amount of times that I've asked for an orange juice and I'd go, oh, is it smooth? Or are there bits in it? And they've gone, oh, there's no bits in it. And then they've given me orange juice with bits in it.

48:55It's happened so many times. I don't know why they lie to me like that. Like, I'm just going to go, oh, and I do, I do go, I'll just drink that then. Anyway, maybe it's as smooth as I could get it. Here's, here's Adam's fact. all orange juice is first manufactured as smooth orange juice. I'm a mug. I can see already this is going to make me look like a mug. The bits are then added back in at a ratio which depends on the market of the juice that's going to be sold in. Apparently Asian consumers prefer their orange juice to have more bits than Western consumers. They've also got different earwax to us.

49:35Have they? And they say that we smell of milk. We've got sticky. Because they've hardly got any dairy. We've got like sticky. Sticky. Sticky earwax. Their earwax is powdery. It's not wax then, is it? Come on. I suppose not.

49:55Here's a nice candle. That's just a load of dust. Yeah, it's a different sort of candle. Please. Adam goes on to say, I told that fact to a girl I fancied back in 2012 one morning over a McDonald's breakfast with a group of friends following a sixth form party. She was drinking orange juice at the time. We've been together ever since and have been married for five years now. She said a few years afterwards that was the moment she realised she loved me. I guess this fact should also come with a warning that you should be very careful who you say it to. Just in case they fall in love with you too.

50:32That's lovely. That's lovely. That's everything it should be. It's brilliant. that's really interesting and it has made you look like a fool it's made me look like a fucking idiot because why would there be bits in it if it's the juice of something one of the things I knew as a sort of young posho but actually not from a fantastically rich family but I was aspirational is that I knew the orange juice we had in my house was not the posh sort I knew my parents were getting the stuff that was made with concentrate and then rehydrated because it was cheaper and I always thought when I'm older I'm going to buy the real orange juice with bits in.

51:08And then you'll know you've made it. And now... No juice in my house growing up. Squash. Squash. Okay. Okay. Grew up on squash. That was it. Hot squash? I only got... I only heard... I only realised that was a thing after Simon Bird. Yeah, I was going to say that. He loves hot squash. He's such a baby, isn't he? He is a baby. He wouldn't have jam with bits in. He had to have hot squash He doesn't drink tea or coffee. He doesn't eat the white bit of an egg. He has the yolk. I've watched him eat a fried egg just picking the yolk out. He's like one of those fuss pots who needs to be taken into Willy Wonka's factory and taught a fucking lesson.

51:51And the lesson is they're killed. They're flattened or something. So cruel, isn't it? They all go in and then it's like, there you go, you stupid little bitch. Good luck without any ears. That would teach you for being a child. yeah it's awful um right oh well that's so nice I love it and it's like you're both you're both with the right person yeah because she was impressed by that and you wanted to say it yeah it's really nice yeah there's someone for everyone isn't there that's what we need from women we need them to be impressed yes by not very much yeah they could flow their bar expect so much Claire Claire knows me better than any person on the other person on this planet And she still expects stuff from me.

52:37I don't know where she's got that from. Yeah. Like, it would have happened by now, Claire. Hello? I've never have been impressive. Even the early days. Have I told you about my age? I've always felt that I've achieved more. But then when I watch a TV show like MasterChef, and it's like contestant, and even when it was, I'm 42 now, even when it was like 38, because it'd be like sous chef 21 sous chef 24 then it'd be like I don't know senior sous chef 38 and I'd be like oh mate just fucking give up yeah it would have happened by now you're not a genius I just and that's now below my age so unless I'm the exception I'm running out of people as well people said like Wordsworth didn't write anything until he was I think it was 40 that's gone I'm running out of examples there are people I don't know if this is a boy thing A lot of people are dead.

53:33Even though I'm not... Even though I've never been any good at football, I've always thought there might be a chance. Always got that in my back pocket. There might be a chance that I might be a footballer. Yeah. And then when I got to about 32, 33, I started going, I'm around retirement age now. I need to get that call and that scout. I don't think it's going to happen now. now I'm about to turn 39 I think I've got to let go of the professional footballer dream the other thing that annoys about football because I agree with you is when a goalkeeper is like 42 and they're like they don't have to run about as much do they but they go like he still looks really with it as though yeah he should be like in a wheelchair with a blanket on his legs as though it's surprising he's not like wandering off the pitch yeah I'll see yeah can we put the kettle on the cat again The children are parking.

54:36It's not... No. Yeah, he's 37. Some of the commentary implies that they are surprised their brains aren't beginning to drift. He's still good at 37. The grand old man. As though it's like an ent or something. That's my age. Yeah, they've got to stop watching it. They've spent£2 million on a 37-year-old goalkeeper. Well, they want the experience, don't they? They need the experience in that team. The other thing that pisses me off is when players are basically just cheating. Well, like at the end of the game, they're trying to waste time. They're like, using all that experience. No, I could do that.

55:09That's the one bit of the game I could do. I can, like, that's not experience. They're like, oh, he's a wily old cat. It's not wily. That's fucking, it's so easy. So easy. Literally, I could do that. I could waste time. So it's this hard one experience. They, oh, he's a smart one. He's worked. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Maybe there's a chance for us yet. Maybe we could just... If I could be brought on to waste time or cheap. Like a super sub, yeah. Yeah. Could you do any of it, do you think? Any part of football? I'm good. I can pass the ball. I can't run around. I can't run around that much.

55:47I'd like... I'm more of a perlo. Yeah. Sort of just running things from the midfield. And that penalty as well. Do you remember that penalty? He scored a famous penalty against England. A Penenka. The Penenka. Oh, yeah. He didn't. Yeah, he's called it. The original Penenka was, I think, invented by a man called Penenka. Penenka, yeah, yeah. But also, I watched that video. There was a video on the BBC website about Juste Fontaine, who's the record-breaking goalscorer for the World Cup 13. He scored four of them in the third, fourth playoff. Just saying. It still counts. Wow. It still counts. Oh, Joe.

56:26Yep. that noise tells me that you're fact out fact out oh my god fucking hell i'm also fact out okay um what have we learned today we've learned that um the earth had rings at one point we've learned that they put the bits back into orange juice uh we've there's one more we learned one more thing oh arsehole um everyone starts off their life as an arsehole some of us carry it on some of us stay true to ourselves um we hope that you've learned something or had a nice time we'll be back next week armed with more facts chats and a different kind of earwax what different kinds of earwax oh i've fucked it um i'm not going to do it again don't forget that you can get in touch with us our email is hello at joe james pod.com our whatsapp is 07822034330 or you can follow us on social media at joe and james pod and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details bye guys see you next week

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