Help I Fact Up! | With Jordan North and William Hanson

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1:35Hello and welcome to this very special episode where Help I Sexed My Boss joins Joe Thomas and James Buckley from the Joe and James Fact Up podcast. I'm not going to lie, this is something I've been trying to get to happen for ages now. Yes, for all the Fact Up listeners out there, hello, we are William Hansen and Jordan North from Help I Sexed My Boss. Hello. I'm deaf in one ear so William always goes on my good ear yeah sorry no you don't for my deafness is there a tragic story behind that in fact you should ask that when we get going we're going are we going well no we are the trouble is we have to just take everything because we're very inefficient and we might say something good in the beginning I doubt it we do about three hours we do about three hours and then they whittle it down We have the same trainers.

2:26I'm not in trainers today. I'm in a nice suede loafer. These are very nice. These shoes are gradually getting worse and they do have on them, amongst other things, my three-year-old daughter's wee. So the trouble is, she literally favours what she calls a bush wee because of bluey, right? So she will not go to the toilet when the toilet is available because she prefers going wild. And then the system is, I basically just hold her aloft and then it kind of comes out and it goes all over the fucking place. And I just, after the most recent one, I was like, it's just all in my fucking shoe. You know you're allowed to tell your children not to piss outside.

3:03I can't, I am not able to do that. I don't have any, I have no control over her. Did you ever wee outside? Did you ever wee on your dad's wheel? You know? No. On the car? No, funnily enough, I didn't. I seen a child on the tube having a wee momma on those potties yesterday, funnily enough. Yeah, yeah. she started getting the potty out as well. I don't know why. It's just... Well, on your tube line, I suspect that all goes on. Well, it doesn't happen on the Elizabeth line. Well, no, yeah, I suppose the Elizabeth, yeah. There's more crackheads on there than... Not on my trains. The normal ones. It's the...

3:36The Elizabeth line does it like less stuff would go down on it. It's a very executive line. It's a better line, yeah. For a better class of commuter. What do you think is like the roughest line? What's the worst one? What's the one you live on? Where everyone joins their changes. Yes. So there's live updates on the map. Bands just changed, actually. They got new trains. I used to be on Bakerloo. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. It's a really old, it's the oldest one. Is that when you were Elephant and Castle, why? Yeah, we were Elephant and Castle. Did you live in Elephant and Castle? Yeah, well, estate agents said Kennington, and then we were like, okay, Elephant and Castle, mate.

4:07It's a very gay Elephant and Castle. Is it? Yeah. Is it? It is now. Don't get shocked. Now you've left. I know, I knew it was. Have we started, by the way? I knew it was, and that's why. Oh, we are. Oh, we've started. I feel like I've really pushed this because I'm trying not to fangirl right now. So I feel like it's me. I don't know if you've wanted to do this, but I've been pushing Stuart. They've been made to do this. No, but also if you want to get out of, if you want the fangirl thing to wear off for you, just spend some time with us and it will immediately wear off. You don't need to. Did you ever watch the Inbetweeners or White Gold or even?

4:44I don't really watch television. No, it's fine. Fine. But I hear wonderful things. Thank you very much. I know lots of people love it, and that's wonderful. And you are both cult figures. Yes. Well, no. Did you say cult? Cult, yes. No, I don't wear two big cults. Massive cults. Massive cults. Did you ever watch Fresh Meat as well? No. Really? No, I don't watch TV. Honestly, and I'll tell you what, I don't watch comedy now because I can't. It just makes me too anxious. It's like... Oh, that's a shame. If it's, well, yeah, I mean, basically it's like, if it's good, I'm jealous. And I'm like, why aren't I?

5:20Yeah, my career's over. Why aren't I? I can't do anything good anymore. And if it's bad, I'm like, fucking hell, is this what it's like when people are watching me? Am I this shit? So it's just, either way, it's just like. Why don't people love The Inbetweeners? Well, I don't take any credit for The Inbetweeners because, I mean, he's very good in it. But I think. That's true. He is good in it. I just think, didn't write it, didn't really know what I was doing. I've never watched anything that you or the other boys have ever done. I've watched Riding Night Dinner. apparently Friday Night Demon is meant to be amazing and Robert Popper's involved it's fantastic but again I didn't watch it and then I wanted to do a retrospective for it they asked me to do one of those talking heads for it and I so I watched the I'd watched a few episodes of the first series and I was like I've got to fucking watch all of it so I watched all of it over the course of about three days brilliant then I did the talking head and I was just like catatonic with tiredness and I was just I knew like a weird amount about it I was like I think it's in series four episode three where it was and also they just didn't use him.

6:16The novelty of television hasn't worn off on me. Like I can't watch it. If I was to watch like Fresh Meat or Friday Night Dinner or something, I'd just be going, oh, I know that guy. Yeah. He's a mate of mine. Someone I know is on the television. I mean, when I was a child, television was like a magic thing, like magic. Almost I was kind of like, and I really, really thought it was true. Like if I watched The Bill, I'd be like, this is what the police is like. They wouldn't be able to put it in if it wasn't what the police was like. What shows did you go out watching other than the bill? Well, first of all, everything.

6:46Because I grew up with the four channels. So it was just like every single thing. I came home, I put the television on, I kept it on if I didn't have any work to do until like 1.30 in the morning and then I went to bed. And I watched everything. And I remember... You didn't have any work to do. I didn't... When you were a kid. Well, I had essays. I mean, for school, what I mean is like I'd come home from school, I'd watch television until, I don't know, 8.30, 9. I'd be like, oh, I've got to do some fucking work. And then I'd stay up really, really late do my do my work how old were you how old were you going oh i better do some fucking work i suppose i'll tell you what it was basically i would say that uh 14 14 right but i would i remember yeah i remember there being literally nothing on i remember as in as in the the quality of there being nothing on like when you'd have just the four channels and like they would honestly There were some really, really like black periods on a Sunday where there was horse racing on two channels.

7:47Yeah. And I think, oh, I mean, for fuck's sake, honestly, I just couldn't even, I couldn't even look at the screen. I couldn't even. I was never at home when I was a kid. I was just outside. I was the same. I was always out. I don't have to tell you I was at that. I always played football, Kirby, Bannon. That sounds much more healthy. Just wait until it got too dark to see the ball and then you'd have to go home. Yeah. But where did you grow up? in Essex in a village called Rittle and where did you grow up? I grew up in Essex as well in Dagenham they call it East London now yeah I've always thought that's funny because my headphones have been nicked and they're currently in Dagenham have they?

8:22you're not getting those back how did they get nicked? nicked backstage we can try and get them back for you they're in Dagenham if you know anyone I can track them right now cheeky bastards James is a bit of a face in Dagenham you know anyone flogging any any earpods with a lot of wax build up pin bases them oh he cleaned my earpods once i left them at his and he got i had to buy a little gadget off amazon to clean mine clear the airpods and the receptacle thing they come in because they did it do the job they were really grim because i don't clean my ears that much have you not had your ears syringed no i've got a bit of a phobia about it why when i was a kid you know when you're a kid and your mum like shoves a cotton bud in your ear and it's awful It's really sort of traumatic You're not meant to use them To clean your ears I was told Don't put anything bigger Than your elbow in your ear I was told that And it doesn't make any sense Does it?

9:14How can you fit your elbow In your ear? Exactly The doctor used to say to my mum You shouldn't put anything In your ear Bigger than your elbow And my mum thought It was this amazing witticism It was like Wildean It was like I'll tell you what Dr Vincent says It does make me laugh Don't put anything bigger I was like It's not funny It doesn't make sense Well talking of ears Before we got going We were talking about Jordan being deaf in one ear Now asking the story. Yeah, go on, what's happened? Especially if you've got a phobia. William just finds it hilarious, but basically I've been deaf in one ear since I was 14.

9:44I was putting my bike in the shed. My mum said, don't leave your bike out or it'll get nicked. I was like, oh for fuck's sake. So I went and put my bike in the shed. My ear burst popped. Putting your bike in the shed? Yeah, I've just been deaf ever since. You're trying to put something bigger than your elbow in there. I was just putting my ear burst and my ears burst and my mum went, you'll be right. And then two weeks later i was like still can't hear out that hey what hang on because this is terrifying did you do something was you did you do something physically just walk it just doing your bike oh god and it's like burst an eardrum and it's damaged it but someone did say but then someone said that's i've said this a few times but a medical professional was apparently it's close to like an ameurysm or something you know when people aneurysm yeah so it's quite serious but we laugh now and then i got a um i got everyone was laughing at the time yeah he couldn't hear I got a hearing aid and it came in the NHS and they put a Burnley badge in it to try and make me wear it but I went to a school in Preston so I was just nightmare shit kicked out exactly and then it came in a pink and yellow lunchbox with I promise you Ellie the Elephant on the front who had a hearing aid in imagine being in year 10 Ellie the Elephant or an Ellie the Elephant it was like I just called it Ellie the Elephant Ellie the Elephant you know you put your bags down at school to play football and it was those drawstring bags that everyone had and they nicked it out of it and they wanted me to chase after it and I was just like, I'm just, and I've never seen it since.

11:09It's in Dagenham. I'll honestly say, it's probably in Dagenham. It's in Dagenham. So they, you know, and the lads or the bullies took it out and they were like trying to throw it and they wanted me to catch it and they were just kicking it around the yard. I just thought, I'm not even bothered. I never bought it and I've not seen it since. School's awful, isn't it? Yeah. School is related. Unless you're William who loved school. I did like school. Where did you go to school, William? I went to school in Bristol. Was it? or boarding or something like that. We call them in the independent sector, but yes, I went to an independent school.

11:38Right. You're fascinated by William a bit, aren't you? Well, because I'm just common as muck. No, don't be silly. I do appreciate manners and things like that. Good. Making people feel comfortable. I nearly wore a boating blazer today. Oh, did you? And some loafers. And I just thought, you're trying too hard, James. Relax. I'm sure he'll like you. Man is not about trying to make everyone sort of the same. We want you to be your authentic self. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. And that's what we've got. I can just say as well, look, this is like, look, that's the best album, my favourite ever album. The Arctic Monkers album.

12:13Great album. We've got all these films here. Why have you got S Club? I mean, I like S Club, don't get me wrong. We were going for a sort of 90s set. We wanted this to look like a 90s bedroom. Yeah. It does. That was maybe on a sitcom or something. You know when you, you won't know, but when you grew up watching television, my family time. You'd watch something like Saved by the Bell or something like that, and you'd go, God, I'd wish I had his bedroom. He's so cool. He's got everything in it. You see, I always used to think that about hire something in Richard's bedroom and keep him appearances with the floral wallpaper, and that's influenced my life.

12:47That's good too. He's got that. I've basically got that sofa. He actually has got that sofa. Yeah. Well, that's a nice bedroom as well. Yes. But yeah, that's what we've done with. So I think I'm still kind of in that era in my head, and I'm just sort of everyday surprised that it's not stayed exactly the same. And that's pretty much my perennial reaction. The 90s were a great era. They were a great era. It's a good time to be a kid. Yeah. Yeah. Good entertainment, but not too much. Only four channels. Only four channels. It was five towards the end, wasn't it? Never got it where I was. Yeah, for some people.

13:28Got it in my grandma's and she thought it was mucky. Used to show soft porn, do you remember? Yeah. Eurotrash. No, they used to show soft porn. No, that was Channel 4 and Eurotrash. Eurotrash was... I was staying at my nan's house and we were watching Channel 5 and she fell asleep in the evening and then it cut to... It did. And coming up next is our erotic drama for the evening and she was asleep and I was just looking at this television going, oh, God, some boobs and stuff going on. I just ran out of the room. I just left the room. I was like, I'm going to bed. And you were how old, 16? I was, no, I was about 17, 18.

14:07I was staying there for a week. I was working in, she lived in Croydon and I was working there for a week. So I stayed with my nan and I was just having a lovely evening with her. and then she nodded off while we were watching the television and then all the rules changed. Wow. I was like, I've got to get out of it. I've got to leave this situation as quickly as possible. Well, you... She had the remote as well. She had the remote, which was the problem. Oh, was it like when the jailers asleep on the keys? It was a bit like... It was like, I've got to make my escape now. Lift up the arm. You know, to get...

14:41So he just ran out. We were talking before you guys came about how James once leapt out of the window of a moving train as well. So in terms of fight or flight, you're like flight yeah I'm just yeah absolutely just get out of there just go if I had an ejector seat in social situations I would just press that button sometimes yeah I'd just be like I can't cope with this I'm actually I'm actually quite impressed by so it was when they had those windows in the trains that you pulled down like that oh yeah and he'd missed the station or something he was going the wrong way it was a fast train the train was still adjacent to the platform no it was it was going past the platform that I needed to get off at and And I'd accidentally got on a fast train that was skipping certain stations.

15:23I was like, I'm not going all the way, I'm not finishing up there to come all the way back again. So I just chucked my bag out and rolled out the train. And onto the platform. Yeah, it must have been going about 40 miles an hour. We don't encourage that at home. It is absolutely nuts now. Like I really did like graze all my back and stuff because I rolled out. Do you feel a bit short-changed, Jordan? Because he did that and didn't hurt himself at all. whereas you just went to put your bike back. It seemed to have went deaf in one ear. I quite like your story. Also, what's the lesson there as well?

15:54In your story, I feel like you've sort of vaguely blamed your mum a bit. You're like, if she had to maybe put my bike in the chair. But it wasn't that that caused it, was it? Unless it was... Because I'd be like, well, lesson learned. I'm not fucking putting my bike back or anything. Do you have like a really loud bell and your jaw just went ding? I honestly don't know. I just remember it popping, like being on an airplane and thinking, That's weird because the altitude can't change in a shit I think they should make a film Of me And we could call it Death Became Her That's very good actually Death Became Her It's on many levels What are we doing?

16:36Let us know when we start recording We've got a factoid as well We should maybe say welcome What show is this? This is our show Because this is bizarre this situation because I've started listening so you know Chris Stark I do the radio with no you he said to me there he went say hello apparently you worked together on some games console thing he was like he was like oh it's really good there podcast of what he went and as well he went of all the podcasts out at the moment I don't give a crap about any but there's his I went yeah Chrissy boy yeah yeah yeah the big scene do you remember when you developed that console with him and you were just going on and on about it.

17:16I feel like I'd remember something like that. You did some, it might have been Sony and you met. He would have been on Radio 1. You developed PlayStation 6, didn't you? That's right, yeah. He would have been on Radio 1. What's his name? Chris Stark. Crouchy, does the Crouchy podcast. Right. Did that really viral interview with Myla Kunis years ago that changed how Junkets are done now. He was on Radio 1 for years. He's like, he's pretty, you know, he's... How long did I spend with this guy probably a full day filming right but he said yeah anyway I don't remember him but he sounds like a great guy he's a good guy he is and what was he saying just said that say hello say hello and I really like the podcast and that's why it's a bit mad that this works he's unsubscribed now no just tell him I said who okay

18:09and audio always make hell by sex and my boss and your podcast as well Yeah. Yeah. And I've been saying, can we do a collab? Because we often do collabs with other podcasts. Right. Is this your first one? Yeah. We can tell. Well, this is it, right? We don't do guests, do we? No, we don't. But every now and then, we don't do guests. But every now and then, we'll collab with people with other podcasts. And it's good. So maybe now some of our listeners might start listening to you. That's how awesome your listeners work. Yeah, we should benefit more than you guys. we know why we're here so crack on as normal it's a bit lopsided I'll be honest with you the benefits but we appreciate it oh thank you and also I mean the reason we appear confused is that we are still not really on oh favourite our format are we no we don't know what this podcast is our podcast is supposed to be about facts yeah sometimes we do we sometimes do them sometimes James forgets because you know you're not allowed to just go So, oh, because I said to you, oh, we should do a podcast together.

19:16Yeah. I'm sure someone will make it. It'll be fine. Yeah. It's a no-brainer. You have to have a format. And I was like – No-brainer is how they describe this podcast. Yeah. There's still – there's no brain involved at all with making this podcast. The brain gets in the way, really, I think, of – But you have to have a format, don't you? Yeah. You're not allowed to – we touched hands. Sorry. You have to have a format. You can't just say, oh, me and Joe just make each other laugh for an hour. That's all. There's got to be like a sort of like, well, there needs to be some sort of idea. And I went, well, all right, we'll tell each other a fact.

19:47Don't worry too much about the format. We haven't. Okay. We haven't. We haven't spent any time on the format. We've done prep. We've got facts. We've got our favourite. Is that true? Yeah. We've done our favourite comedy. You're working too hard. Well, that's the difference, really, between a successful podcast and our one, I suppose. I have started reading. How much thought do you put into this podcast during the week, just out of interest? well i look like you're lying no i listen i do listen back to you listen i listen i listen back that'll stop i told you not to listen to it he skips through your bits because you start panicking i listen back and i go oh did i make it sound like some t-shirts are better than other t-shirts yeah and i go to hannah and all those people that like those t-shirts are now going to come after me And I go to Hannah and she's like, Stop listening to it.

20:37Just, you're mental and stop talking to me. And - Stop talking to me is good. Well, if not stop talking to me, I think it's like stop talking to me if it's this sort of shit. The time to worry is when you have entire chats with your production team and WhatsApp groups as to whether you think you're going to be sued by Daddy Pig, which potentially happened this week. I was genuinely like that. That's when you should start to worry. My issue is if it's usually fine on a podcast when they clip it up and put it on social media because people don't get the context. it's like a 30 second clip of it so I'm like I would say don't clip that up or it's fine to keep in the episode so they've clipped up a bit this week of me saying Daddy Pig is known for being a bit misogynistic and that genuine chat in our group was will we get sued by the makers of this?

21:19We won't Will I get sued? Got any facts? My facts that I like to tell people but forgive me if you've known it but it always blows people I'm like do you know why soap operas are called soap operas? I do actually yeah I don't know why I don't know And there might be listeners listening that don't know. A degree in media studies gets you. Can I take a guess? Go on. This is probably wrong. Is it an acronym? No. No. Okay. That's all I had. It's because when they started in the 50s in American television, they were on in the daytime. A lot of housewives watched them, and they were predominantly sponsored by soap powders.

21:56Oh, no. So they were nicknamed in a tabloid as soap operas. Soap operas. So that's why I tell people that. That's amazing. It's usually Northern women of a certain age that find that fascinating. Isn't there another thing about, what is it called? Is it Kitchen Sink Drama or something like that? Yeah. It was very in the 80s, like Rita Sue and Bob 2 and that. Is that the same sort of thing? I think Kitchen Sink Drama was meant to be like, drama was seen as very sort of highfalutin and all about dinner parties and stuff. And so then you had like a new wave of writers. Pinter. Yeah. And it was more like actually life's about, you know, being in a crummy boarding house and like there not been any milk and like there's a draft and that sort of thing and like that i think that's kitchen sink i feel like kitchen sink is a bit um is it sort of mildly derogatory if you say something's a bit kitchen sink you're like yeah now you're just kind of putting in stuff to make it seem hard-edged and another one i don't call me on this because i don't have time to google that's fine but you You know why we go on a chat show or a radio show to plug something?

22:59Yeah. Go on. Plug the phrase to plug something. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't know that. Because, you know, the old, again, I might have to check this. But, you know, the old pirate radio stations. They were on ships. And the owner of that was called Captain Plug or something. Right. And that was his surname. And that's when, because it was all BBC then, so you could go on to promote stuff. So you could plug it. Oh, I see. And I think he got money from it in some way. Whereas on the BBC you couldn't because you can't advertise on the BBC. Yeah, so I think it's called plug-in. That's where I think it comes from.

23:36I'd like to do a bit of plug-in. William? My fact is that a tablecloth for a buffet must touch the floor, whereas for a dinner it needs to be off the floor. Right. Is that true? I didn't know that. All I know is that my tablecloths have to not come off the table at all whatsoever. Right. Because my dog will grab it. Then I suggest you don't do buffets. No. And if you do do buffets, don't put, like, you know, doggy treats. Why does it have to touch the phone for a buffet? So you don't see any of the table legs because you wouldn't have chairs or anything? Because a buffet, you wouldn't have chairs.

24:11Oh, yeah. Of course. Okay. Would be, I suspect, is the logic. I mean, impressed with that, boys? No. How many tablecloth facts do you normally do on this podcast? That's our first. Yeah. That's our first tablecloth fact, but I would like to expand on it a little bit. I've still got questions. I could see us. Because I like the history of these sort of things that you do. Maybe they don't make sense now. Come to the back then. So what is it about the legs of a table? Well, it's probably the rule that was created in the Victorian era because the Victorians were quite sort of prudish. They used to put skirts around piano, grand pianos because they thought that piano legs were a bit erotic a bit too sexy yeah so they they would cover them up yeah i'm always googling piano legs yeah yeah must sneak off to the toilet oh it's embarrassing when the history comes of isn't it oh no no just die a Steinway i was gonna say Yamaha Yamaha do you have an upright at home uh i used to uh i did used to have an upright yeah i used to um i had an old church piano it was uh it was quite posh it cost because i like music and stuff like that and instruments and things and i was obsessed with playing guitar and all sorts of instruments and asked my parents for a piano and i didn't want a keyboard i wanted a an actual stringed piano so i could use the pedals and stuff like that yeah um and they managed to find one that a church was selling for 200 quid but I had to go and get it with Ferg and we turned up in a Hilux Toyota Hilux pickup truck and the bloke went to us oh have you got a piano truck and he went yeah the truck's outside and he meant like a sort of something that you put the piano on wheels so you could wheel it to the but we didn't have that we had to like move it ourselves It was a pain in the arse.

26:15Good present. I was like, thanks for that. My mum has got me a sweatshirt. Yeah. And it still had the tag, you know, that big, the rigid plastic. Yeah, flying scissors shaped. And she was like, I did pay for it, but they just didn't take this off. And I was like, well. That's going to be very uncomfortable. I don't know what to do. I had to cut it out. They burst, didn't they? Yeah, I always got to. Well, no. They don't get ink coming. Well, they don't burst if you cut a sufficiently large piece of fabric away with it. Right. Which is what I did. So now I've just got a sweatshirt with a massive hole in the back of the collar.

26:50Thanks, man. Thanks. I'm usually way more structured than you. I'm usually trying to keep Joe, but I'm just... Well... It honestly feels like the last day of school for me at the moment. I've just got a bit too excited. This could be the last ever episode of your podcast because Jordan's been on it. And we have a recurring joke that anything Jordan does, it normally ends. I've hosted TV shows They don't normally go past series one Never go past series one I was on Saturday Night Takeaway The year I was on they stopped doing it Before the Inbetweeners I had a bit of a track record of that I was constantly doing pilots that never got made I was in the last series Of a TV show called Teachers On Channel 4 Which was genuinely a really really successful TV show And yeah I went on it one series and they were like, right, that's the end of that then.

27:41I think I might have ruined the British Comedy Awards. When? Because I had to present an award once and they were like, just before, this award is sponsored by a charity for people who've got cystic fibrosis. Right. And I went out. You did a load of material. No, no. So I was meant to go out and say, look, this is a really great charity. Like there's loads of research into cystic fibrosis and so that's a great thing. and that would have been fine. And instead I went out and I just forgot to say anything about cystic fibrosis. And the bloke went, here are the nominees for best stand-up. And they read out the nominees and he went, and the winner is.

28:21And I went, oh, fuck. Just very quickly, sorry. Cystic fibrosis is a really life-changing condition, but there is a lot of hope. We can do genetic research into it. And they were just – and then after that, they said, And the winner is. Right. And he came up and he was genuinely angry with me. He wouldn't shake my hand. Who was it? I can't remember. But I remember his shtick upon coming up was very much, fucking hell. And then after that, they didn't do the British Comedy Awards anymore. Shed his true colours. I stopped going to awards things. I stopped going as well. Do you know why? You're not invited.

29:00No, but I mean, even when we were like, even when like the Empire Awards. I stopped going to LA as well. Back in the day. I'll just stop going. Back in the days where we were actually getting awards, I stopped going. I couldn't do it anymore. I think I went to one NTAs once years ago. I was just like, this is a weird situation. They're boring. You've been to the podcast awards yet? No, we've not. No, we're not getting anywhere near those. Yeah, you've got that to come. No, not yet. There's about 40 awards. We might present. Yeah. No, you'll get asked. Trust me, you'll be asked this year. We might present, but we're not going to be going up, going to, who's this camp?

29:37I also won't be asked to present because I fucked that up as well. They'd be lucky. They'd be lucky to have us present. They'd be lucky to have me. It would take us about four hours. And I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for trying to help people who live with cystic fibrosis. Sorry. Yeah. Gagged. Gagged. What year was that? Yeah, that's what I want to know as well. 2015 or something. But I think I was responsible for like, that was the death knell for it. I was already getting a bit shit. And then they were like, well, not after this. This is embarrassing. So, yeah, I think I can actually posit causality there.

30:20It wasn't just a coincidence. It was like, not now. I don't know if we should invite you on to Sexton now. Well, no, because I've. It's a genuine. It's a concern. Yeah, I would You and Jordan Okay Stand no ho Oh my god, yeah Yeah Yeah, it could be Calamity twins You do live stuff a lot, right? You do it on the radio That's live and everything Yeah, every month, yeah It's terrifying There's a slight delay No, there isn't Do you have a dump button? Yeah, just for callers Just in case Yeah But just because you never Ever know what they're going to say Now, would you like to come to our Yeah Studio, which is literally just opposite Yeah And come on to help us exit my boss Really?

31:00Yeah We would be honoured. For the second part, we get a lot of dilemmas and filthy emails and stuff, so we think you'd be good at that. If you still want us to come on, then we'd be honoured. I don't know whether necessarily... Just to let you know, our most famous dilemma is a girl was house-sitting for her parents. She got drunk one night, found a dildo under the bed, started using it, was giving her the best pleasure of her life all week, and then she found out it was cloned to her dad's penis. It was what is called a cloner willy, which is a thing. And she found out the best orgasm was from her.

31:37So there you go. That's the sort of thing I get. So sneeze, it was so salacious. Why is she still like... I mean, why is she using her mother's sex droplet? Yeah, in a way, I... Yeah, there's loads of questions there. It's Freudian. Oh, my goodness. Well, after the break, we'll have more of that. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I was saying, well, after the break, we can have more of that. There we go. Structure.

32:00This summer, wherever you go, take your favourite podcasts with you. I've downloaded six episodes of Help, I Sex and My Boss. That's a long flight. No, that's just getting through security. Our group chat's basically become Get a Grip. Every week, someone's sending clips from Andrew and Vicky. I'm on UK True Crime, walking the dog, heading to the pub. Oh, it's totally become my thing. Well, I listen in the hot tub. I haven't dropped my phone in, well, yet anyway. Wherever summer takes you, hit follow on your favourite podcasts And search Audio Always on any podcast app to discover your next favourite listen

32:38Welcome back, now it's time for Joe and James from Fact Up To experience Help I Sex and My Boss with questions and dilemmas from our G &Dvers And we've moved studio haven't we? We have yes, you won't get that if you're listening But if you're watching on any of the visual platforms you will see that we've gone from blue to red much like the country. We would like to give you our signature drink. We always start ours with, I know you've got a bottle of Stella with you, but this will pair beautifully. Have you ever, do you drink, Joe? Well, I can have one. Yeah, I can have one. Okay. All right. Okay.

33:09It's called. It's not very alcoholic. What is Dubonnet? It's gin and Dubonnet. It's often known as the Queen Mother. It's the Queen Mother's favourite drink. Oh, yeah. But Dubonnet is like, it's a fortified wine, isn't it? Yes, it's like, just because you fingered that ice cube, You've dropped it back in, realised you should have used tongs. You've already touched it. I love that one, then. It's touched both. Indeed, yeah. Dubai is like a port. It's a fortified red wine. But it's lighter than port. It's not as heavy. It's a secret recipe. We don't know it. Look at your face. And it is a hearty drink.

33:45Yeah. It gets you pissed. Is it sweet? Is it sweet? It can be, yeah. Like a sort of sherry sort of... Yeah, it's a sherry-ish vibe, but it gets you like a giddy, girly drunk. That's fine. That's good because we've got an episode of our podcast to shoot straight after this. That'll be fine. This is going to be great. Normally you have it with slice of lemon or orange. Yes. That's not being provided. It doesn't matter. It's fine. I'm free pouring as well. It's normally two parts to Bonnet, one part gin. I do two and two. I have a feeling the Queen Mum, you know. She lived at 101. She was doing a two and two, wasn't she?

34:22Yes. That should do. Have a second. Oh, you see, thanks so much for doing this, because, like I said, I was a big fan of the in-betweeners. Yeah, bloody hell. Yeah, all right. Yeah, no, that's nice. Is that the stuff? Yeah, it's like... It's good. It's a good garden drink. That's lovely. Do you like it? There we go. Oh, I'm so glad you like it. Cheers, boys. Cheers. Cheers. Yes. Oh, don't click. Don't click. Wait one second. Don't click. It's common. Is that right? You might get away with that. We had to make sure that we were all trustworthy and that we're not... Well, it was, yes. Well done, yes.

34:56But we are. I'll cheers you. Cheers. Cheers. That's so nice to actually cheers. He won't. He won't. He won't. We do for me. No, it's in my contract. Oh. They have to pay me extra if I clink. That's really nice. We appreciate this and welcome to our new studio that all our listeners hate. Why do they hate it? Because nobody likes change and we decided we needed a new studio. Well, you have to get them used to change. I know. You know, the world's going to change. People get used to it, yeah. Yeah, these are all our favourite things here. That's my dead dog, Frank. Yeah. That's Burnley there. Yeah.

35:31Off his ace. Yeah. I feel like, you know, when your mate comes to you, you want to be mates with someone at school and you're batting around to your house and you're showing your bedroom for the first time. Yeah. Yeah. It's my fish tank. I used to make a joke, like, when I was, like, sort of 19, 20 or something like that, like, way too old. I used to get, like, if I go around my mates, I'd go, right, where's your toys? Where's all your stuff? Where's all your stuff? That's sweet. Just your little joke. That's what I feel like. No, it's so... I'm showing them round. I would have friends round to my bedroom and show them something I liked as well.

36:02I bet you did in your strong one. Which was my Beanie Baby collection. Also, it wasn't one of the toys that you were telling me about earlier? About that girl that fell in love with her... Oh, we've got one of them. Clone Willys. There should be one. Actually, I did... Where is it? No, it's outside. I saw it on the way in. Oh, yeah, it's on the way in. So you can take that home

36:20Penis? Yeah. Apparently, we've had a few listeners use... It's cussing. Basically, they sent him in after that went viral. Apparently, a lot of listeners have said it's quite hard to stay erect for that long because you've got to keep it into the mold. We could probably just use one kit between us as well. Yeah, we'd be... I'll do the bottom half and you can do the end. Yeah. But the reason why we're doing this... Because that does confuse me because it is... Sorry, Jordan. I just... Apologize. That guy must have a great penis. That's all I'm thinking. I mean, what have... Hey, Dad. I don't know whether Hannah has a...

36:57I'm trying to get the address. I don't know whether Hannah has one of these, but I very much doubt it would be a clone of my penis, because I have a level up, for God's sake. Do you know what I mean? Who's using all of that? That's mental. That's a glow-in-the-dark one as well. That's ridiculous. This is ridiculous. This stuff is just put out to make men feel bad. Look at the... It's ludicrous. I feel terrible now. Sorry, Claire. That's my wife I won't need all of that No, honestly We could make two Absolutely They also do As we discovered They do clone a pussy Right That seems invasive Well It's a different technique I'm told How do they do that?

37:37Well I don't know Vacuum or something I'm not going to find out I don't know Not much need We'll leave that one with you Yeah we'll leave it with you When we see you in a few weeks In the studio and when we cross corridors, let us know how you got on. Yeah, we'll do. Shall we go on to the dilemmas? We, by the way, have no idea what is coming up. So whilst you might think that we prepare our podcast, we don't prepare this bit. No. So we read them for the first time and then react to them. Well, I think I agree with that. I think you want the spontaneous reaction. Exactly. Our first dilemma is from Chloe.

38:06Okay. Hi, boys. I work in a secondary school and one morning I'm walking into work, coffee in hand, when I pass a group of year 10 lads huddled together, looking deeply suspicious. You know the look, the kind that screams, we are absolutely making terrible choices right now. But it was before work hours, and quite frankly, I wasn't being paid enough at 8am to investigate. Fast forward later that day, when the gossip mill starts turning. Turns out, one of these lads had let his mate shave his head in school. Not ideal. But wait, it gets worse. One artistic genius amongst them had shaved a full-on penis and balls into the back of his head.

38:36As the details unfolded, because secondary school drama always arrives in episodes, I discovered this wasn't even a prank gone wrong. No, he had apparently made£40 from the ordeal, because each of his mates had chipped in a fiver to convince him to do it. Makes you proud to be British. £40. This is exactly the sort of entrepreneurial spirit that... I don't know what he says about me, but I'm like, I'll do that now. This is how Lord Sugar started. This won't happen in any other country apart from Britain. I love it. Yeah, I mean, what's the dilemma? Well, Chloe continues. I found this significantly funnier than other members of staff seem to.

39:08While colleagues were reacting with genuine concern, I was trying to maintain the professional composure required when faced with a child who had turned himself into a literal dickhead. So what is the etiquette here? How much sympathy are you expected to show when someone has willingly agreed to have a penis shaved into the back of their own head for less than the price of a family takeaway? Chloe. Oh, wow. Discuss. Well, I'm biased. I always fall on the side of comedy. Yeah. I always think if something's funny, then it's worth doing. It was very much our ethos when we were doing the Inbetween.

39:41I was thinking, I'm pretty sure money changed hands on the in-betweeners for weird stuff to happen. I'm not talking about what we got to. We're not allowed to talk about it. No, we're not. There was some... No, I think... It was good times and I don't know why we're not allowed to talk about it. I think one, it's funny. It was a genuine laugh and everyone wanted to do it and it's fine. I think it's great that it's year 10s. That's a great age, 14, 15. It's a great year, isn't it? One of the boys thought, I could make 40 quid here. Because he's had to go back to his parents as well and stuff like that.

40:15I think it's genius. I guess you could, if you've got a penis shaved into your head, at least with further pruning, you can get rid of it quite quickly. I'd commit to it. I'll be honest. There should have been a contract saying, and also you're not to shave this off. You've got to keep it awake. You've got to keep this for a minute, otherwise we're getting our 40 quid back. Was it just in my school, but in the 90s, 2000s, a lot of lads had night ticks shaved into the back of their heads. That was definitely not at my school. Are you quite middle class? We had the Gucci logos. That was quite a few lads in my school.

40:48I had pals with Night Tick on the side. Night Tick, had the shaved eyebrow. Blonde tips on the quiff. Yeah, we had, I did have a quiff for a bit. I didn't have the two of the tips. I had a quiff. My mate's older brother. You know how the older brothers are always the coolest? Yeah, that was like me. My mate's older brother, he had a blonde quiff. And I was like, wow, imagine that. Right, Johnny Bravo. It was a bit like that. But, well, it was just the quiff, the rest of the hair. Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, with a bald head. Yeah. That was very much my brother at school. He was Northy, but I weren't allowed to be called Northy.

41:23Right. And no one dared touch me because he was hard. Yeah. He's a paratrooper now. Right, fair enough. And I was proper soft. And then when he left in year 11, I got battered for about six months of being a gobshite. So that was very much like that. Can he drop in? Can he just? He still does now. Every now and then. Jump out of the plane. Okay, so I think, yeah, I mean, look, you find it funny, but you are being employed as a teacher. So within your working hours, I would say you have to toe the party line. I mean, I don't know. My favourite teachers were the ones that seemed human. Same. My favourite teachers, the ones that reached me and sort of I genuinely actually wanted to sort of work for and cared about.

42:01Because sort of at the end of the day, the students, the way that they react and, you know, that reflects on the old teacher there, doesn't it? I like the teachers you see. So the ones that seemed human that were sort of like – Normal. The ones that were like, come on, don't do that. I know it's funny. You know it's funny. But we can't do that. I was all like, sorry, sir. Sorry, miss. Like, you know. So I think she's in the right place. I think she's the makings of a great teacher, ones that will actually – Maybe laugh about it in the staff room, but then outside of the staff room. Wasn't she saying that the staff room would be a bit sneaky about it?

42:40Yeah, but I think she can still laugh. I mean, should the lad be going around school with the cock and balls in the eye? I don't think he really can. Because, I mean, also, I don't know whether this is plausible, but would it encourage others? Do you know what I mean? Because after a while, if like 50 % of your boys have got cock and balls in there, then that is going to start affecting Ofsted or the Thorne. That's not... They probably look for that sort of thing. you might go down from outstanding to good do you know what I mean? it's an outstanding school it's good but the 20 % of the boys have cock and ball shaved to their head questionable haircuts so that would take you down I don't know what they look for in Ofsted but they might I think it is now they might look for that I think James Antony though Chloe you should just carry on being that cool teacher be a bit like hey look it's funny I think you reach kids better I think you do if you sort of be relatable I think be relatable.

43:35I also think, I don't think he can be going around school with that. I just, it does, it's a big distraction. I used to have insane teachers. I used to have one teacher that used to, he would really get off on telling kids off. Yeah. But he would do things, like kids are going to muck. It's a very slow sentence though. Take that however you want. But you can, you know you get, kids are going to be kids, right? They're going to muck about when they're at school. If you catch them, fair game. You know, if they're doing something a bit naughty in front of you, you go, come on, sort it out, detention, whatever.

44:12He used to, you used to be able to see him like pop his head around corners and stuff like that. He used to try and catch children doing something out, like out of the ordinary or whatever. That's weird. There was, I don't know if this is true, but the story was at my school that he wanted to try and catch some kids that left school premises at break time and he hid under a lorry and got stuck and the kids ran away. Under a lorry? Yeah, he crawled under a lorry to try and catch these kids out. I don't know if that's true. But it made sense with the type of person that he was. We used to get told off at our school for things that I don't really even think were particularly bad.

45:02Like there was, we were told not to walk around town. Their phrase was swinging a can. It was just a can of Coke. Right. Like don't walk around town swinging a can. And also don't stand outside the school talking to the girls. Or like, don't talk to the girls. You know, like, well. You was at a boys school. I made it at a boys school. It wasn't a problem for me. Well, it wasn't a problem for me either because I was terrified of talking to the girls. But like, I kind of thought, this is, I feel like nowadays that's exactly the kind of thing we're trying to, like, you know, encourage. Like, actually get boys and girls to talk to each other, rather than the boys just looking at pornography.

45:38Like, but not in our case. Not allowed to talk to the girls. But attitudes have changed. I would have thought that now they'd be more in favour of that, but we weren't. No. That's a name. All right, let's do another one. What have we got? This is from Caitlin. Hello, William and Jordan. I'm a long-time listener, but first-time writer who has enjoyed the podcast for many years. My dilemma is regarding houseguests A phenomenon which William may be unfamiliar with But I'm hoping he can advise nonetheless That's rude You don't like William doesn't like people staying over No I do I don't like staying over I didn't have a guest bed over a bit But you don't like staying at other people's houses No Well fair enough Ever since I was a kid I was like I've got my own bed And I like sleeping there And it's comfy And I know where I'm at Caitlin continues I live in a city around an hour away from where I grew up The home of the world famous black pudding I'm sure Jordan knows where it is Bury Due to this, when family members come to see me, they often stay at my house.

46:30Now, this doesn't pose an issue as we have two spare rooms plus a dedicated executive guest bathroom. Executive? In Paris? Someone's doing well. My dilemma comes as the guest bathroom is home to the only bath in the house. Now, I love a bath, especially when it includes some lady petrol. Prosecco. And it's where I will usually spend my bliss hours. It is a place of relaxation for me. However, two separate family members have asked to use the bath whilst they're staying with us. Not wanting to be an inhospitable host I have always agreed However I then find myself Unable to move past the image of them Stewing in my happy place In all their glory There is something about the image That burns in my brain And I find myself Having to scrub the bath with bleach And disinfect several times Before I can bathe again So my dilemma is this Is it bad etiquette To request that guests Don't use the bath while staying Or do I need to get over it And continue my bleaching routine Thank you Caitlin For me You absolutely need to get over it You weirdo Is it bad Yeah I've used many people That's a bath Yeah A bath I mean I've heard somebody say like I can't stay in hotels because I just think this is what I was going to say it's a bit of a rabbit hole all the people who have slept in that bed and you're like well yeah I've been there in hotels and stuff and I go imagine what's gone on in this bed and I'm about to sleep in it but they wash it and it's all I know so you have to you have to let it go otherwise you won't drive yourself insane yeah so it's same to this lady they hoover those beds often they've got so that my aunt used to be a hotel cleaner not even in a posh one and they proper have to clean them some are a bit mucky is the bath in the guest bedroom in the guest bathroom that they can use so she's got a bath in the guest bathroom and she doesn't want guests to use it I don't know about that and she has the audacity to say a phenomenon William may be unfamiliar with oh don't be horrible no I'm not being horrible I'm being direct I think it's almost like yeah once you start thinking about it maybe it is a bit weird that other people hide the plug but I'd Hide the plugs.

48:23Someone using my bath? I wouldn't mind at all. Yeah, Caitlin, just give it a good bleach if it freaks you out. If you want to go a bit nuclear with it, though, Caitlin, I would start making people feel uncomfortable when they stay. Just little subtle things. Ask them not to use the bath. Just subtly let them know that they're an inconvenience and then you don't get any people staying at you. Just little things like, if they want a cup of tea or something, just do that before just little things I don't really like to boil the kettle make them feel not wanted don't vocalise anything don't ever say I don't want you staying here I don't want you using my bath just make them feel that they're not well cooked yeah I'll go and put the hot water on it's fine it's fine they ask for a cup of tea and you sign and you go anything else?

49:12yeah little things like that ask and make them feel a little pube on the salt give them the cold shoulder yeah That's a Pilkington fact. Oh, yeah. See, if a guest wasn't wanted anymore, they'd be given the cold shoulder of meat. It's just definitely not true. It's just he's scrubbing around after nothing. But, yeah, so I'm all pube in the bath. You mentioned pubes. Pube in the bath. That'd do it, I imagine. They wouldn't want to bath again. No. They'd never bathe in any bath. Boys, you're good at this. Good at this advice. We do have time for one more. This is from an anonymous listener. Oh, right.

49:48Hello, boys. I work for the ambulance service, and as you can imagine, we interact with a wide variety of dot dot dot vibrant characters. Among them, we have our frequent flyers, the regulars who call 999 multiple times a day. But one of our local regulars has entered himself the permanent nickname Spider-Man. Spider-Man will call 999 for a completely fake medical emergency. In the exact window of time between us pressing his flat buzzer and walking through his bedroom door, he manages to perfectly time masturbating to completion. The exact second you walk in, he launches his man juice straight at you like spider-man casting a web generally disgusting as it is from a purely logistical standpoint you almost have to respect the olympic level timing he has because of this his address now has an official history marker on our dispatch system so my question for you boys what is the proper tactical etiquette for avoiding spider-man's soupy splurge when entering a patient's property many thanks anonymous right well first of all you've got a duty haven't you I can't even if they've got even if they're flagged the annoying thing is you've got to keep turning up you've got to keep going there used to be you're alright Joe no I'm just I'm amazed by well no I was just trying to think the depravity you know will I ever end up like that when I was a younger man and I never you have to you don't you have to think could that be me when I never did this myself you know when they back in the day where you used to have one television yeah It was before Wi-Fi and laptops and your phone, where saucy things weren't so accessible.

51:18There was a thing called a danger wank. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard of this. I've heard of this. So you'd get quite close to finishing whatever you were doing in the living room. And then you'd shout, Mom! And you'd have from them coming down the stairs to finish off what you were doing. You know, they're worried nowadays that children get bored and they're not creative anymore. And this is a good example. We've come up with all sorts of fun stuff. I've never did it myself. Because there weren't so many channels. It was called a danger wank. There were so many. There was a danger wank. There was a posh wank.

51:51Posh wank with a condom. The one, famously for me, in between us where Jay sits and he's like, all the lads did that at our school. Did they? What was that one? What's this? Where you sat on your hand until it goes numb. Oh, the dead hand. Yeah, so it felt like someone else. Right. Which is the best scene ever because you've got a snorkel on. you've never seen it's the funniest but all the lads at my school got told that so you'd sit on your hand until it went dead for like half an hour do you think now they're banning social media for the under 16s it's going to increase the rise of danger wanks because they've got to do something maybe I mean I've got under 16s I've got two under 16s in my house and I like you know there wasn't there wasn't internet and stuff and I still managed to wank quite a lot when I was a teenager I still got it done I still got it over the line I'm not sure it's going to make a big difference to be honest young men didn't need any extra help they were already doing well like you say it encouraged creativity it did and your mate would say to you wank bank oh the wank bank so if you're so much fit or attractive you might go put that for the wank bank before internet but look to Anonymous like the boys say you've got to do a you wanked off the rugby team off what are you on about you've got to do a a duty you've got a duty he did he did in public school it was just normal to get one of the other boys to do it for you is that right what were you saying so yeah I think you've got a duty you handled it well nobody has to put up with that because that is, maybe you just start wearing juggles.

53:37I just shout, I just say, look, can you just finish and then I'll come in. He knows what he's doing. Why is the ambulance service still sending them to this person? You have to, you have to. You have to because one day they won't go. I hope it's not being prioritised. No, it won't be. I'm a bit sort of. It's the boy who cried wolf. That's what I mean, yeah. I'm a bit of a no-nonsense guy and I would be like, if there was a genuine problem and he called 999, and they were a bit lax turning up. I would be a bit like, serves him right. Yeah, I quite agree. Or they could turn up, they could borrow one of the police services' tasers and turn up and taser him as they go through the door.

54:13He'll never do it again. I think that'd be the ultimate. I know. Or mine's the same thing. That would really get his rocks off. I know, yeah. Like a fountain. Thanks so much for listening today. If you want to get in touch with us on Help I Sex My Boss With A Dilemma or a problem, drop into our DMs or send us an email to help at sexandmyboss.com and give it up for our wonderful guests from Fact Up, Joe and James! Thank you guys, thanks for having us. Thank you. You've made a very sad teenager's dreams come true, so thank you. It's a pleasure.

54:51This week on Help I Sexted My Boss. Some lad on one of those line bikes had gone into the back of my car. I chased him halfway down the street In just me shorts Why have you not told your bank? You have moved house Who does that? I'm speechless You have not done that He disappeared for a moment Then returned with a suction cup Firmly attached it to a book And climbed on top And rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts