James' Bowel Betrayal

0:00Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stomachs. It's a podcast that we make, it's called Don't Think So Somehow, and all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless. We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it. I got ID'd for alcohol the other day. You're joking. Yeah, in Leeds. That's mad. It's like ID and Judi Dench. this might just be a podcast for you don't think so somehow every time i get a message saying loving the new podcast i'm like why why like

0:42okay right you've got quickly quickly set out my stall yeah for how today's gonna go okay i've been constipated oh i've been constipated for a few days i've also been quite busy right i actually don't know helpful then i actually don't know when the last time i took a shit was i've forgotten right today is the records don't go about that even though i've had to come into london and we're doing this and stuff today's out of all the whole week today's been the most convenient day for me to take a little laxative right i took a tablet last night apparently i was supposed to go when i wake up and it hasn't happened yet it's not happened yet i mean Now my stomach is doing somersaults right now.

1:28I mean, just say you're playing with fire. Barely. This is what Claire was saying. Claire was like, you know, don't take a laxative if you've got to get on a train, right? Well, can we just check how are you feeling bowel-wise? I feel like I'm about to have a false alarm. Okay. Because I did just spend about 10 minutes on the toilet before Joe turned up. Yeah. And nothing was happening. so I'm just going to wait until I really feel like I need to go and see how that works out for me that's an exciting element to today yeah Lily May said it's like 24 I can just imagine it all those different sections of the screen

2:16so not only are you taking a laxative have you taken a laxative but But you're also entering into this with an attitude of it's probably a false alarm. Yeah. So you're like a person who knows that there's likely to be a fire in the building, but also has decided to treat the fire alarm as though it's probably a false alarm. Yeah, there's a – It's an amazing – There is – where are we? Where would we say – Amber? We're at Amber. Terrorist attack imminent. Yeah. But I'm still ignoring the alarms. And you're still going, oh, shut up. Still going. Shut up. This will all be for nothing. You've hit the iceberg, but you're still going.

2:58And you've actually seen the hole in the side of the Titanic. I've seen the hole there, yeah. And you're like, come on. I'll wait. Call that hole, I'll wait a bit. Everyone's going, shall we evacuate? And I'm going, hold off. Let's see how far we can get first. People said they waited. But in a way, what could they do but wait on the Titanic? Yeah. Of course, they're waiting. They're in the middle of the fucking ocean. When was it? April. When the Titanic sank. It was cold. I'll tell you that. Yeah, that was the problem. That was the big problem. Oh, she calls. Oh, she calls. Jack. Off into the water.

3:34Yeah. Oh, that's a script up to do, isn't it? Yeah, that's, yeah. Paint me like you're French girls. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. He's all frozen. Well, you've got some. The bolts are coming, Rose. The bolts. You've got some experience with fucking really cold water. Certainly have. Dangerously cold water. I was in cold water all the time on the old... Yeah. On the in-betweeners. Yeah, you got plucked out the sea at one point as well, didn't you? I was pulled out of the sea by a helicopter. I remember you saying it really hurt. They put these Hessian straps on you. And I know this is a first world problem.

4:13but like when they are they do dig in yeah if i was drowning i'd almost be like i'll just pop me back because it's digging in i'd just i'd just drown someone did ask if you actually jumped in the sea in the between this movie right i certainly did and i learned how to dive you learned how to learn how to dive and um it was a really interesting experience because i think that sport and acting have quite a lot of crossover because I think they're both primarily about focus and my coach who was a high level like Olympic level coach I think he knew that he trained Statham he did train Statham yeah I remember that remember him saying he did he he and um and then he and then he trained me yeah so he's trained both ends of the acting spectrum sure but he knew that i think he was dealing with a bit of a sort of flighty horse with me right he was like whoa whoa and one day i turned up to the pool and he just looked me in the eye and went yeah not today go home it's not happening today you could just say i wasn't with it was good you weren't there yeah yeah amazing it's not much of a motivation to get in the zone if you get to go home.

5:37Don't worry. Not today, don't worry. Yeah. At some point, he's going to have to be like, well, you're not in the zone, but we're going to have been told to teach you how to dive. My kid plays ice hockey, and I've been sort of talking to him about, this might make you laugh, about mentality and what you should be thinking about and what's important. We all need it. If you neglect that area, it will find you out in the end. And it's how to handle a loss and things like that. And I was saying things like, what's important now is not to worry about what the referees did or what the other team were doing.

6:19And maybe things are unfair. Just purely focus on yourself. Look at yourself and just be like, was there anything I could have done better today? And I'm sure, like in most situations, there always is you could always do yeah i've done better couldn't you of course he was a bit like oh what do you know you're an actor well you know about sports and i was like well to be fair to be fair they're very necking son to be fair i've carved a little bit of success out of one of the most famously competitive industries in the world yeah so i know a little bit about what it takes and also know what it takes to fail as well.

7:00I'm an expert in failure. If anyone needs any, I can tell you how to, you know. I'm so used to it. It's like water off a duck's back for me. Yeah. Doing shit and stuff. It's just another day. I just find that with acting, the reason I found it confusing when I first started to do it is that all the kind of metrics, the metrics that I thought applied at school, basically, seems to have completely vanished. Now there's a whole other set of metrics, which were honestly to do with like, are you able to make yourself relax? And the answer was like, fucking hell no. And like, are you able to choose to kind of just place your focus on one thing?

7:42And again, it was like, absolutely not. No, my brain, it tells me what to focus on. And it's those sort of skills that I think are probably there in sport. as well and particularly the individual sports and i think maybe particularly tennis i know there's there's a certain amount of sort of writing about tennis and that pressure i think tennis is one of those you can be every single point you have to be as good as any other point like if if i was put into a football team like me yeah and the football team was winning 10 nil and it was the 10th minute of injury time that we would still win right it's not possible for me to be shit enough for that to go wrong whereas if I was put into like a tennis match where the player is two sets up and five games to love up and 40 love up I'd lose probably yeah so but yeah but what i mean is is like was it you someone was telling me suddenly if if you're mental if if you have a kind of mental collapse at that point and you're reduced to the level of like me all your work will go away so i suppose it's like you have to someone was telling you have to not feel that pressure yeah yeah i feel like um tennis is always one that people talk about in sports uh like that someone was it you might have been you someone was telling me about a study that they did on tennis players basically if you're in the top 50 or 100 if you're in the top 100 tennis players in the world right yeah you're really good at tennis yeah there's not really that much difference between yeah one and 100 okay the thing that people studied on was how personalities react to going a set that losing a set yeah it was a yeah and and about like which points you win yeah was this the thing i don't know it was just about how you can if if you're better at handling a setback yeah then you'll probably go on to to win it's not necessarily about your ability as a tennis player it's more about how you can handle going oh i'm 40 love down now.

10:12What do I do? What a cold open. Pretty cold. We've definitely not got 15 minutes there.

10:26Let me go through some stuff here. Well, I've got the certificates. Oh, right. We should definitely be... That should be first order of business. Yeah, but your arse was. Yeah, my arse will dip in and out of the next two records, I'm sure. The next two episodes. There they are. Yes, gold! There you go. These are the special certificates. And you can feel that good card. They are. And the glossy. I mean, you wouldn't, yeah. You wouldn't want that. Also, if you printed that off on my printer, it'd just be like it's in a permanent condition of having run out of one of the inks so you just get lines across it.

11:08Yeah. Do you know that thing? Do you feel it? Ink is well expensive. I can't. I've got that kind of money. They lock you in, man. That's how they get you. You buy a printer. Yeah. And you think that's cheap. And then you go down the road of like, oh, I'll get the aftermarket part. I'll get the cheap version of it. And it's not the same. It doesn't work. But these are our certificates, which me and Joe will be signing. Oh, we are? Oh, no. And once everyone gets in touch, I'll send them off. Yeah. Have they still not got in touch? I haven't checked everyone, but I can't see anyone. Oh, the episode's not gone out yet, has it?

11:42Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, no one's gone out. Oh, that's a relief. Time's weird, isn't it? Time is weird. It is strange. You need to write up on it as well. Obviously, I wasn't here, but you didn't write up the winner on the World Up chart. I tell you what. We should write the winner. Why didn't we do that? That's one thing we definitely should have done. You weren't here, Lily, mate. It did go a bit sideways. I listened back and it sounded fabulous. Oh, good. except from the bit when you thought I'd died that was crazy oh yeah well no but it was we were following along Lily May is not going to make it it was quite we were getting updates it was almost like I don't know whether you it was a bit like following the flight of OJ Simpson very similar yeah it was like where is she now it wasn't as exciting yeah and also you know I don't was anyone holding signs up as your train was crawling past it wasn't even moving was it the train it wasn't moving for a long no it wasn't moving at all

12:43Hey, it's your ceiling vent. So I'm dripping. Could be the rain. Could be the upstairs bathroom. Yikes. You could hire the guy your neighbor recommended, but I'm pretty sure that's just his cousin. Do we know if he's licensed or does he just stone a ladder? Listen to your home. Go with Thumbtack. Upload a photo or voice note, and we'll diagnose your project and match you with the right pro for the job. Thumbtack. We know homes. Hire the right pro today. My name is Shannon Maldonado. I'm the founder of Yaoi, a gift shop from the lens of artists and handmade objects. I chose Shopify because when I was testing other platforms, it was definitely one of the most user-friendly.

13:23It was important to me to think about where we would be in the future. All of the tools for reading your sales, like planning inventory, are just right there on your dashboard. For anyone starting a small business, the biggest thing I can tell you is it doesn't have to be perfect. Shopify can help you build upon it. Start your free trial on Shopify.com. Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stomachs. It's a podcast that we make. It's called Don't Think So Somehow. And all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless.

13:57We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it. I got ID'd for alcohol the other day you're joking yeah in leeds that's mad it's like id and judy dench this might just be a podcast for you don't think so somehow every time i get a message saying loving the new podcast i'm like why why like oh dear i've been watching um i'm halfway through tom hanks's great big comprehensive World War II documentary. Enjoying it? It's well good, mate. Is he Private Ryan? Was he Private Ryan? He was in Private Ryan. He was in Saving Private Ryan, I should say. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. That was Brokeback Mountain.

14:46I'm not sure how close they got, to be honest with you. He was in Saving Private Ryan, wasn't he? Did they find him in the end? They did, yeah. Matt Damon. That's that joke, isn't it? Oh, fine. everyone's trying to save Matt Damon everyone's trying to get Matt Damon back sure because he's either Private Ryan or he's born or he's in a on Mars and everyone's just trying to get him back he's on Mars isn't he I want to watch that film The Martian and there's no reason why I can't oh why have you not watched that because I live with Hannah oh and she thinks it sounds a bit boring oh it's really good and I'm like and also the bit I'm really looking forward to is the bit where he fertilizes the plants with his own poo oh it's great and I can understand that that is quite a sort of I don't want to be gendered about it but I think that's quite a boy thing to be into I think I find that quite I poos on the plants yeah you'd be in luck you'd finally well at the moment no I know imagine this this could be a matter of life and death I know yeah I just need I know honestly Matt Damon would not be thanking you no like didn't you get a better quality of laxative my radishes are I don't know what you gross but I mean it's I I you know I'm looking forward to it what else what else do want to see um christopher nolan's the odyssey yeah that looks good it's gonna be good there's no way it won't be good how's that not gonna be it's got too much going on in there too many good people in it yeah nolan at the helm and also this is what i'd like to say about nolan to be fair go on he assembles this amazing cast all the time and he's meant to be this great director take a chance on me mate see how good you are then you really want to fucking challenge yourself try and get a performance out of someone.

16:24Absolutely. Nolan, I'm available. Yeah. Or are you too scared? Yeah. It's fine if you are. Listen, if you haven't got the bollocks, mate, you can keep doing your films with Damon and Spider-Man and stuff like that. Yeah, keep winning it with Vinnie Jr. and all the rest, but come and get Barnett out of the National League South. Oh, Cillian Murphy won an Oscar. Of course he did. He's a great actor. Yeah. Piece of piss. try and get me to play Oppenheimer. That'd be a weird film.

17:01Well, I haven't watched Oppenheimer. Have you not watched it? I won't watch it until you are in the title role. And this, you know, this... Say something about Cillian Murphy. Go on. We fancy him, don't we? I think he's beautiful. That's who I... Yeah, I fancy him. Me and Joe spent a whole afternoon once, I think, on the set, The Inbetweeners or something like that. Just going, fucking, like he's pretty. He's a pretty man. I fancy it. That's fine. And that's what I'd most like to look like, actually. Although Hannah says she doesn't, to be fair to Hannah, thank you. I assume she's lying. But she was like, no, I don't see it.

17:39So that's nice. It's a nice thing of her to say. You're a handsome man. Thank you. I've always felt you were the McCartney of the in-betweeners. Thank you. Well, that's very sweet. One that all the girls wanted to. look after. Yeah. And hug. Yeah. Yesterday. Oh, come here. You're all right.

18:05Can I tell you something else that I've been thinking about? Go on. Because I don't think we've mentioned the Ricky Gervais podcast for a few episodes. No, but we better. But I've been thinking that we need some sort of audience It's participation, competition, a rock busters, something like that. And then I was thinking, maybe we could make that the competition where people tell us their game and what it is. And we decide whether it's good or not. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Now I've come up with some games, don't know the formats. I just know the titles because I feel like that's how Pilkinson would work.

18:48You've come up with some names and you're challenging our audience to tell us what these are. Yeah. One of them, I have come up with a format actually. So you're entering the competition as well? A little bit, yeah. Okay. Well, I'm giving some examples. Here's a thing that I just wrote down. Games of Frowns. That's... I'm not sure what it'd be. No, I like that. Games of... Right? Games of frowns. Yeah. And not game of frowns. No, games of frowns. Games of frowns. I don't know what. Games of frowns is brilliant. Games of frowns. Yeah, that's really good. Top trumps. People just send us in their best Trump impression.

19:28Yeah. Oh, I really thought it was going to be the other end of the spectrum. Oh, I see. Or, well, it could be that. Or, again, same format, but a bit more retro. beat around the bush where you send in your best junior or senior bush impression and then I've got I like it because they really are title first I've got another one here, no format Can't judge a book by its clover yeah that's good as well I thought it might be something to do with Ireland or something yeah book about Ireland best books for Ireland yeah oh here comes Angela's Ashes but wait a minute who's this uh we could get Roddy Doyle ha ha ha is that it no that's not what it's called oh yeah what's it called there's there was a quote about we'll work on it yeah Roddy Doyle's the name of Paddy Clark ha ha ha by somebody and the quote on the front was Out Roddy Doyle's Roddy Doyle.

20:42And I used to look at that quote and I didn't know what it meant for ages. Right. Back to his brilliant best. Out Roddy... That's the thing. Yeah, but Out Roddy Doyle's... But what it means is the book was better at being Roddy Doyle than Roddy Doyle is. So it's like, this Out Roddy Doyle's Roddy Doyle. Right. Who's Roddy Doyle? Sorry, Joe. I think Roddy Doyle... I missed the beginning of this. Did he write Angela's Ashes or is that another... Irish kind of stuff was really in vogue. When we've lost Lily May. What's your question for me? Was there a question for me there? Who wrote Paddy Clark Ha Ha Ha?

21:22That is Roddy Doyle. That is Roddy Doyle. That is Roddy Doyle. What the fuck did I see then? I don't know. I've never been so lost in a conversation before in my life. Basically, so the review of Paddy Clark Ha Ha Ha. I know, you can say it again. Yeah, I know. But it was that it's better than Roddy Doyle. Right. But it's by Roddy Doyle. Yeah. Roddy Doyle out Roddy Doyle's himself. Roddy Doyle's out Roddy Doyle, Roddy Doyle. It's like one of those buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo. Right. Have you heard that, Lily Mae? No. The eight buffaloes in a row. No. What? It's a sentence.

21:57How? We're going really... We are going a bit, but let me say... that buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo is actually a grammatically correct sentence once you know that buffalo is a verb and also a place in New York state what it means is buffalo buffalo that are buffaloed by other buffalo that come from buffalo also themselves buffalo buffalo that come from buffalo right well I thought we could call this feature that you just invented James Games James Games let us know in the comments obviously you've got to come up with the title first and then you've got to do a bit more work than me because we need the format as well and we'll pick our favourite ones I really like Games of Frowns if you've got a format for that I'm all ears let us know in the comments the in-betweeners has been in the public consciousness again recently.

23:09Oh, yeah? What for? I've already spoke about this. I don't think so. I love it when the in-between is, even though it's so old, but it still sort of has infected different areas of society. We had a guy who was a pundit on the World Cup, American guy, that said, fork it wanker. live on television. Someone, I can't remember exactly what happened. Someone was, because that. Is this because Americans aren't really, they don't really know about the word wanker? They sort of refuse to realise that wanker can be quite a rude word. But still would change the American version of the Inbetweeners to bus turds for some reason.

23:58Bus turds. Even though apparently wanker's absolutely fine over there. So he was using it as a cuss. No. It was him, Zlatan, Thierry Henry, I think, and a female presenter who I don't know the name of. And I don't know his name either, so don't get me on for being sexist or whatever. He's sexist and racist, if anything. Yeah. American? She was white. She was British. No, what I mean is you don't know the American guy's name. No, I don't know his name. So that's, you know, King George III. He said... leave poor Americans alone. He was saying something about James Corden. I don't know what James Corden had done, but I think they must have come back from a VT or something like that.

24:42And he was just like, what do you guys call them? Full kit wankers. And everyone else, because Zlatan and Thierry, they've been in Britain, you know, at points during their career. Oh, yes, full kit wankers. Is that a bloody... Is that Garen and Stacey? I don't know. I don't know, but Something Wankers. Okay, Something Wankers. And the full kit, as in wearing the full kit is weird. Don't wear the socks. But Something Wankers, that's the in-betweeners. We did that, didn't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Briefcase Wanker. We came up with that. Bus Stop Wanker. We... It was on the Fox coverage, by the way.

25:22Yeah, it was... And it was Rebecca Lowe and Alexi Lalas. Alexi Lalas, yeah. He was the kind of, he was the one that everyone knew from the last World Cup that was in America in 1994. Right. I believe he was quite striking. He has red hair and he had a red beard and he was called Alexi Lalas, which is quite a memorable name somehow. No, he didn't have a red. Did he not? Well, he didn't have a red. Alexi Lalas. Not in that shot. Not in that, but he did. I think he did. But he said, so, you know, the in-betweeners. Did you see Wimbledon as well? Lots of people have sent me a video of someone saying, oh, sorry, in Wimbledon this year as well.

26:07What for? I can't remember what had happened. I think there was a decision, I think. I'm not sure people were sure, but then there's a bit of silence and then there's an oh, sorry. Brilliant. Knocking around. That's amazing. Yeah. We're in the Jamie Vardy Netflix documentary. Is he watching the in-betweeners? He calls his friend group, his gang, they're called the Inbetweeners. Really? They call each other the Inbetweeners. That's nice. Because it was like, oh, you know, Jamie Vardy. I was trying to find Jamie. I didn't know where he was. And it was like, oh, you better go down the pub. He'll be with the Inbetweeners.

26:40That's his, like, core group of, like, childhood friends. They call each other the Inbetweeners. So this isn't like that. And they showed a clip. They're not footballers. They're just mates. No, they're just blokes. They're just his mates. That's nice. And they showed a clip of the in-betweeners. And then obviously there's the famous Jamie Vardy in the tunnel where he goes, where is it? Who's Peter Schmeichel's kid's name? Oh, Kasper Schmeichel. Kasper Schmeichel. I think I might be getting this all wrong, but he sort of like shakes hand with one of the other players because they're both from Denmark.

27:14And Vardy just goes, oh, Danish friends.

27:21And I just like it. I love seeing, honestly, I swirl with pride when I see little in-betweeners-y sort of quotes and things just getting into the fabric of different parts of, you know, society, of different parts of sort of relevance, I suppose. It's good. It's nice to know he's still going. Well, it seems that Vardy's doing a lot of it on his own. Vardy's flying the flag. Yeah. Vardy's actually, you know. you know he he's doing he's doing the lion's share we just did a couple of other people you know lalas and whoever yeah you know yeah full yeah okay so it's yeah full kit wanker so they don't it's funny when there are swear words that are like people know their swear words but they're like but they don't think that they're as serious as another country thinks there is i swear that in australia they just used to say like shit as though that was just just like saying poo.

28:17Well, yeah. And obviously everyone says, I don't think it's really true, but everyone says about like, like people from Glasgow that like they just say cunt as a kind of like. Same with Australia. Yeah. Yeah. But I think it's funny. It's funny to acknowledge that it is as well. Twice. Unbelievable. Is that mine? I don't know. It's not mine. It's not mine. Oh God, it is mine. It's my tablet. Oh, your tablet. It's tablets. Fucking shit. to be honest what's it I don't know what it's doing that's the most annoying noise is that yeah it's been in my bag because we've been on holiday and we had it on the plane for my daughter to watch Teletubbies on and is that still going?

29:04just a bit mate Teletubbies they've zhuzhed it up now the Teletubbies have their own pets now they're called the Teeny Tubbies I think right Yeah, there's a little in that. Obviously, you're familiar with Home Dome, which is where they live. Yeah. Not anymore, though. Don't they? Well, no, I mean, it's a bit like the Shire, isn't it? I assume it's a studio. I assume it's a studio now because they used to film it. They filmed all those exterior things on someone's farm. And I think the bloke, I might be misremembering, the bloke got so fed up with people going to Teletubby Hill, whatever it's called.

29:45that he'd flattened the hill on his farm. He flattened Home Dome. That's terrible. Well, that's a bit of a dick move, I think. And the baby. So he destroyed the Teletubbies' home? The baby in the sun. Oh, yeah. She's about 52 now. Is that a girl? I always thought it was a boy. I think it's a girl because they always, yeah. Yeah. They always sort of, every couple of years, they bring that story out. Oh, okay. It's like, oh, do you remember the baby from Teletubbies? Is this what she looks like now? And I'm like, oh, yeah, she looks a couple of years older from the last time you fucking showed her.

30:19Yeah, it's funny, isn't it? And the farm thing is true. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I suspect they're now mixing in bits of, as they say, CGI with it. Yeah. But the Teletubbies now have a separate kind of pen in Home Dome where four other small creatures live. and these are, I think they're called the Teenie Tubbies. Right. They still got that mental hoover thing. Yeah, I think it's called, is it called Voo Voo? The guy had the mental hoover, and they kept eating like pink sludge out of bowls and shit. Yeah, they eat this stuff called Tubby Custard. That used to look so good. I thought it looked a bit wet.

31:07Yeah, it didn't look appealing to me. It didn't look like it had enough corn flour. What was that stuff that you used to, it was like powder. You'd have it with like ice cream or something. What was it? Angel Delight. Oh, was it Angel Delight? Angel Delight wasn't, it was just, that was its own. Are they the Tiddly Tubbies? Oh, the Tiddly Tubbies. The Tiddly Tubbies. Yeah. Well, I was going to say, as we've done this with many fours, if you saw the Inbetweeners as Tiddly Tubbies, where are you going with who? Oh, Will's Poe, obviously, because he's small. Yeah. Well, Tinky Winky's Blake. Tinky Winky's Blake.

31:41Just doing his real name. Not even characters now. Yeah. Well, I famously can't remember the characters' names. They do start to fade. Yeah. Blake's definitely Tinky Winky. Will's Poe. Yeah. I think I'm La La. Because the yellow, yellow car, there's something yellow about Simon. And you're Dipsy. Yeah. Yeah. The wild one. The Shagger. That's how they pitched it. I think when they pitched it, they were like, look, one of them's a bit of a shagger. Yeah. And he's a bit... Yeah.

32:23But anyway, they take care of these other little things. I mean, so that's what that noise is. I'm very sorry about that. And I'm sorry that I'm normally... That bag has been around with me everywhere for the last week. Well, I did want to... That tablet loses charge fucking quickly. I did want to talk to you about your holiday. I think we should save it for the next one. I'm just cautious of time. We should get into the main app, I think. Okay, let's get into the main app. Right, I'll try to pick up the iPad. The tablet. Ah, look at this. Just looking at this, checking it out. Going to print layout.

32:57Yeah, exploring yourself. Oh, Christ. And Asia.

33:04You've charmed me. You've charmed me, yeah. 25 years. Yesterday, the 25th anniversary as of recording. Yesterday was the 25th anniversary of, I'm going to say it, best sitcom ever made. Yes, I agree. It's a tussle for me between that and Only Fools, especially early Only Fools. But yeah, fucking hell, The Office, 25 years. Jesus. Yeah. Right. Welcome to Joe and James Fact Up, a podcast loosely about facts. Yeah, we've got to bring our own facts in again now. I've got one now we're not doing the world up I've got one I've got one and I've purposely just kept it quite quick but I'll do mine my one comes next episode right there's no discussion with mine it's just like oh that's good mine's quite quick as well perfect it's more about the chats though on this podcast of course it is the chits and the chats yeah load of old chits yeah if you want to get in touch with us our email is hello at joandjamespod.com our whatsapp is 07822034330 and you can follow us on our socials at joandjamespod and you can watch our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts.

34:14Just search The Joe and James Facts Up. We don't do episodes on Spotify anymore. We do. They are on Spotify. The video isn't on Spotify. Yes. It was briefly though, wasn't it? Yes. We did a brief experiment. Videos and stuff. The systems don't all sing together on all platforms. So we're working on it. But when it is available, we'll put them all on Spotify. Okay, now let's get fact up.

34:47Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stummings. It's a podcast that we make. It's called Don't Think So Somehow. And all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless. We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it. I got ID'd for alcohol the other day. You're joking. Yeah, in Leeds. That's mad. It's like ID and Judi Dench. This might just be a podcast for you. Don't think so somehow. Every time I get a message saying, I'm loving the new podcast, I'm like, why? Why? Oh, dear. All right. Straight in, Joe.

35:33Straight in. It's time for Punbelievable. Have we not got a jingle? We got the jingle, but they'll hear it. I can play it if you want. I like to hear it. It gets me in the mood. Let me grab the jingle for you. Same for Claire as well. I always chuck the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. When things are going well, when we've had a pleasant afternoon, I think, oh, if this keeps going, my evening time, I chuck the pun-believable jingle on the hi-fi. Let me make sure. Light a fire Yeah Pour some champagne Yeah You know You don't need me to tell you what happens next Okay I think the band Boyzone Is a pun on boys' own Of course it is Match of the day Is a pun on catch of the day Fuck you I didn't realise that Girls Are Loud was a pun for a while As in girls are allowed in this club too And people say you know There's no new land left to discover Well in the mind there is It's It's Unbelievable Unbelievable, Jeff.

36:36There you go. You feeling in the mood now? Good. We're both in the mood. And I hope it doesn't bring on the shits. Is that, I mean, that's my... I hope it does. In a way, it's a good experience to find out what it does. Fucking worried, man. This is a feature I created, and I asked for you to send in puns that it took you... It says they're a bit too long to understand. I mean, I suppose... Yeah, I mean, puns that... it suddenly dawned on you. Yeah. You were like, oh my God, all along it was there in plain sight. That's what that sentence... It does sort of, but I think too long, I'm not sure, it feels like there's a judgment there.

37:13I actually took that verbatim from your mouth. Yeah. Oh, okay. No, in that case... There's no judgment, but it's sort of a, it's a thing that we're all guilty of and we can laugh at each other about. Exactly, yeah. It did take the two long. It's what makes us human in the end. Hit me with the first one. Okay, so this is from Amy via the FactUp WhatsApp. And it goes like this. All right, lads, Amy here. Got a pun believable for you. Unfortunately, I fear it is so very obvious as a pun that it will reveal me as a full-on idiot. No. Definitely not. Anyway, we're all friends here, so fingers crossed someone else missed it.

37:53That's what I said. Here goes. So, Charlie XCX. her surname thing of xcx is a pun and actually spells out sex when you say it out loud charlie xcx i only realized this last week let me know what you reckon cheers lads p.s i'm not gonna blow smoke out your ass saying how brilliant the podcast is because who needs that we do well please do say it because it's never been said the truth is that i like it enough to be a regular listener and i think that's enough that is enough well that is enough thank you very much amy and so first of all it doesn't reveal you as a full-on idiot because i i didn't know that right and i I've heard of the name Charlie XCX.

38:28Yeah, I've heard of it too. Don't know who that is though. So you didn't know about Brat Summer last year? I've heard of Brat Summer. Yeah, that's Charlie XCX. Brat Summer. That went over my head, that one. Her thing is like, her kind of mode of being is brat. I'm a brat. And I don't know. How's that appealing? But it was like an era. So she released this album. It was massive. Everyone was saying it's a Brat Summer. but now she's like she's done the Wuthering Heights soundtrack since then. She's in the next couple of weeks releasing a new album as well. But that was the thing that like made her super famous.

39:04And her thing is I'm a brat and I'm proud. Yeah, it's kind of like an attitude. Yeah, I guess like the Brat Stoles, it's kind of more of like a lifestyle and an attitude, party girl kind of vibes. Yeah, I'm looking forward to Cunt Summer. Yeah, I mean, yeah. I'm just a bit of a cunt. Who's with me? Yeah, we're all. Yeah, yeah. Dickhead Autumn. I don't think we've had anything for this summer yet So I think we could make Let's get Cunt Summer going So me and James have tried to Cunt Summer We've got to make a hit song It's a Cunt Summer That just sounds like It's a cruel summer XCX Is that definite?

39:45Is this something that Amy's just decided in her head? XCX Because wouldn't she just be Charlie CX? XCX Why does she need to be XCX? So this is like one of those things you do on the calculator where it spells out boobies when you do it upside down. So it's that. Just look at this. Lo and behold. Yeah. Boobs. Well, I mean, yeah.

40:13I suppose it's true. But I don't think it's obvious. I don't think it's obvious at all whatsoever. Also Charlie XCX Hasn't become a part It's not someone I've thought about much I like it This is a good one What's her song? Would I know a song? 360 How's that go Lily May? Yeah you'd like to know wouldn't you? She did a song for the Barbie soundtrack as well Right Did you watch that? Never seen the Barbie film Speed Drive Apple Apple was a big song Apple? Yeah. Boom Clap. Do you know that one? Boom Clap. That's an old one. Wowee, man. I'm just not... There's so much stuff where I'm just like, I'm not on the same planet as everyone else.

41:02She did a song with Lorde called Girls So Confusing. Right. I know Lorde. Yeah, that's good. I know Lorde. Yeah. There's a couple of songs off Lorde's first album that I genuinely really like. Good album, to be fair.

41:21I'm old do you want me to play a bit of one of them yeah maybe play I don't want to hear it it annoys me I hate young people Steve's got another pun believable for us so let's just get this stuff in Amy thank you for that really interesting and XCX XCX I'm not sure it's definitely true I feel a bit sorry for Amy because I don't know who Charlie XCX is so I don't know what they do I mean, I've seen it, you know, if you're saying calling yourself Charlie XCX, does that annoy me? Yeah. Yeah. It is very close to will.i.am territory. Like first, you know, give yourself. Another one I hate, Machine Gun Kelly.

42:05Yeah. And it's this fucking bloke that does look like Neil from the Inbetweeners. It feels like they, yeah. And I'm like, just because you call yourself Machine Gun Kelly, and Kelly's a girl's name, by the way, doesn't make you tough no I'm calling him out let's do a misfits boxing thing me and machine gun Kelly yeah he's going out with Megan Fox or he was anyway he was going out with Megan Fox yeah Christ doing alright for himself good for him fucking hell does work then yeah I'm just a tough guy whether they call me they call me machine gun kelly he's got a lot of neck tattoos of course he has yeah of course he fucking has i got tattoos on my neck yeah i got the words machine gun in my name that's all you need to know about me babe hey megan fox i know you're looking at me now thinking get away from me but have you heard my name's machine gun kelly yeah getting a tattoo i think it's the hardest thing a man can do.

43:16You know, I look at, some guys go and risk their lives on the front line and stuff, but I think getting a tattoo. The real men. Yeah, that means you're really tough. Yeah. What's Steve got to say? Steve. Anyway, cheers, Amy. Steve, via fact-up email. Does this count? Quite a good opening. Yeah.

43:38Does this count? It'd be quite a good name for like an Edinburgh show. Went out for lunch with my mum the other day and she ordered an appetizer as an appetizer. It's a drink, isn't it? I think perhaps not as an appetizer, but certainly, yeah. Yeah. I believe she ordered an appetizer. Made me sit there for a moment and think whether or not this was worth mentioning to you guys. Oh, suffice to say, I thought it was worth. It was worth. This is a nice, very self-referential message. We get so many emails of people putting their thought. I like it. I thought about writing an email and I thought, well, crumbs, I will.

44:13And so here we are.

44:18So, yeah, so suffice to say, I thought it was worth mentioning, as it blew my mind slightly. That has slightly blown my mind. Love the product. It was nice. Appletizer. Yeah, I suppose it sounds like appetizer. I think it's a good one. I thought it was a drink, though, wasn't it? It is a drink. Yeah. It is a drink. It is a drink. So it's definitely a pun on – I mean, also, maybe, listen, his mum is free to have a drink as a start. I believe an appetizer, to me, an appetizer is a starter. Yeah. But you can have a Coke as a starter. Isn't an appetizer before the starter? I think it's, to be honest, I think it's an American word.

44:56I mean, I would always just say starter, main course, and dessert. Yeah. Whereas they call the main course the entree, don't they? Yeah, the entree. Which is weird because entree surely means the entrance of the food. So I would have thought that's the first thing you have. Yeah, you have a starter, an entree. A starter, and then an entree. Or an appetizer. You have an appetizer, then an entree, and then I don't know what they say after that. Well, some places, they have a fish course, don't they? Yeah. And then a dessert and a coffee course or a cheese course. They might have, yeah. Not the places I eat.

45:27Yeah, neither do I. I mainly get my food served to me in buckets these days. And that's why your ass is pumped up. That's why I'm so fucking clogged up at the moment. Stop eating your food out of buckets, James. You might be a bit healthier. Your gut might be a bit healthier. I'll have a bucket of chicken, please. How much chicken do you want? How much chicken fit in a bucket?

45:53Moving on to troughs soon.

45:59Although I do like those. I've never been and I do really want to go to, I think there's a couple in London, actually, those sort of seafood-y places where they just dump the food. it's in a bucket and then it gets just dumped on your table and you just have to eat it like a Viking and you get given gloves don't you for some of those yeah oh to break up the get like crab legs and stuff break up the crab legs and so on a boil yeah like sort of you're in Louisiana or something I'd love that gotta go to one of those appetizer appetizer you know what it is a pun believable and it's actually one that I've encountered on my travels as well right as in it's occurred to me I've thought yeah I see I've seen them around since I was a child appletizers always quite posh there was it's kind of like we'd want to have an appletizer yeah it was one of the things that my parents would have said was overpriced right I think well it's a soft drink came to adults and I think because of that it was a bit more expensive so we'd say can we have an appletizer yeah and they'd say you know have a squash or something I remember when we when I'd go on a family holiday I think I think I only went on like two family holidays abroad and when we when we went abroad on a family holiday um the rule was that i was only allowed one coke or fizzy drink and then i was on walters for the rest of the meal okay because it was a budget there was a budget yeah and i think my dad was furious that coke cost more than beer so he's bought your beer so he was just no he was just you know it was it It was one rule for him, one rule for me or whatever.

47:37Because he wasn't just having one beer, believe me. He was on holiday. He was there to sink a few pints. Sure. But I think he was like, it costs more than beer. Can you believe that? Coca-Cola, it costs more than beer. That is quite something for the Coca-Cola to cost more than beer. I don't know what's happened there. I just think the beer is really cheap. I've still got mates that are so excited about how cheap beer is when you go to Spain or something like that. Oh, yes. It's like 90 pence. 90 pence a pint, that? Yeah. Fucking hell. Yeah. Which means we can have 100 of them. Yeah. Yeah. Just keep the money the same and just raise the alcohol content until you hit your target.

48:19Good pun, believable, Steve. Yeah, good one. I think we've got one more. And as I say, I've heard that and it occurred to me as well. Of course, it's a pun on the appetizer. It's a classic pun, believable. Thank you, Steve. and then the next one is benjamin via the via fact up email yeah again not i'll let you read i just read a little bit hello dears that's nice i like all these greetings they're they're they're really good i finally realized the punning brilliance of sean the sheep yeah this is good as well perhaps 20 years after first hearing the name after i made my after i myself made the joke to my friend Sean who had just had a haircut.

48:59Sean, I asked rather wittily, I thought, a lightning bolt of realisation. The kind of realisation which makes you want to run out into the street and dance a jig. I didn't because I was at work. And after work, the moment had passed. Again? Just lots of explanations? No, I like this. It's like it's, you know, they're all quite granular. They're like, well, actually, what comprises a moment? Well, I'll tell you. This is an example of a moment. I'm a big fan. Cheers. Loving the plot. Yours, Benjamin. him lovely lovely little email yeah and um and lovely little pun believable it is that's a perfect pun believable and again no judgment we're all friends here that's something that i picked up on as soon as i heard the words right okay yeah but it's nice but that is it that is it it's something that's so obvious that should be so obvious but it's it takes you a bit of time to go and he had to do a whole other thing he had to his friend sean had a haircut yeah and that's when he managed to sort of connect the dots.

49:56Yeah. That's a perfect pun believable. It's a perfect pun believable and I really appreciate it and please keep them coming in because they're fucking everywhere and they're just everywhere. Yeah, we've got to start. Someone sent us a voice note and they called it pun intentional. Pun intentional, yeah. That is better. That is, yeah. But we've gone with it. No, but we can't be taking... Okay, look, I don't mind people writing in but I don't want... I know the things are better than this. I actually think they did it by accident as well. I think it was pun intentional that they called it pun intentional.

50:30Right. Yeah. Pretty hell. Yeah. Anyway. Hey, Joe. Yeah. Should we move on to fact check? Let's move on to fact check. It is time for fact check. No jingle? We've not got a jingle for fact check? No jingle for fact check as yet. Okay. It's quite sort of sober, fact check. It's kind of like, it's like a court, essentially it's a court. It's serious. You're going to be under a court. There's not like a sort of jazz band playing in the background. It's serious business. This is where we'll be reading a fact. Silence a court. Absolutely. This is where we'll be reading a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of.

51:05Then we're going to have a good old think during the break and we'll come back and let you know how true it feels to us and to decide whether it passes our fact check. So this week's fact check comes from Jessica, who filled in our fact up form. Still not seen this form. Fantastic. But Jessica has said, hi, guys. My fun fact has always been that when you die, get cremated or buried, any metal work you have in your body, metal hips, knees, gets reused. No. And they are most commonly turned into road signs. And my follow-up question is, what road sign would you want to be? Mine would be, beware humps ahead.

51:51please let me know if this is true as i have probably told 80 people that this is true over the years well we're going to get on the case let's have a little ad break and um we'll let you know our thoughts jessica right that was a huge gulp of tea yeah it's um it's completely cold now right yeah but i i committed to it can i just say while we're here i what's this thing about people who don't finish cups of tea? Fucking my wife and kids don't. I'm one of them. I don't understand that. I think there's bits in the bottom or something. There are bits. I've got a real problem with tea. There's nothing at the top.

52:30There's nothing in the bottom. There's nothing in the middle. I know it's a hill I'm alone on. You just don't like cups of tea? I just think it's such a big faff and there's so much. Like between Claire and my two kids, they must have about 25 cups of tea between them a day. And there's an argument. Oh, it's your turn. It's your turn to do that. I did the last one. You do the teas this time. They're fucking arguing about the teas. And then they start to make the tea and then they come back a little bit and they're like, oh, I've got to leave it. It's just doing its magic or whatever it is. Yeah.

53:06And then you've got to get the milk from the fridge. And then if I've had some milk, like if I've had some milk, it's like, that was supposed to be for the tea. It's just milk in it. We all drink it. I've wanted some cereal. Yeah, it's not like Homer using the drinking water to wash his socks when they're on the boat. Your use is as legitimate as theirs. I think so. But apparently the tea is almighty. No one messes with the precious tea. And if there's only a little bit of milk, you've got to save that for the tea because the tea – so I could have the milk if I was going to put it in tea. That wouldn't be a problem.

53:44It'd be like, oh, well, he's made tea with it. It was like, oh, you just had cereal. What else am I supposed to do? I think it's because tea without milk is... It's like a day without sunshine. Oh. Is that a song? Just a phrase. Is that true? Simon without Garfunkel. Right. No, but no, tea without milk is a really weird thing. Yeah. It can taste nice depending on the tea. I have had it before when I've been really desperate for a tea. I think I I don't know I can see coffee without milk but I mean tea without milk very strange indeed but yeah no what was Jessica oh so Jessica I mean this is this is a really have we got back into have we got back into this we're getting back into fact check now so this is really amazing actually we veered off for some reason but I know it's because I had a drink of tea just as we were coming back there you downed your tea I was thinking too Right Jessica wants to know about Metal in our bodies And it gets reused once we're dead When you get cremated or buried Yeah I don't think buried Not when you're buried They're not going to chop up They're not going to desecrate a body Also they have to come up about 50 years later I know It's like fucking Yeah Or they're not going to do it before Maybe Maybe in the French Revolution Yeah Yeah Yeah Or in the World War II When it was like Oh turn me into a spitfire dear boy Right but i don't think i don't think you'd get to someone's hip bloody hell though i mean it's it's quite the thought and the idea that they're um that they're going into road signs this is all very specific i'm not i'm just i can see that maybe it's like you just need something where it's kind of road signs are like they're municipal it's like it's poor quality metal you just want like cheapo metal doesn't really matter you're You're not going to make – I'd be a bit annoyed if I was on a 747 and I found out it would just be made out of people's bits of old metal from their hips.

55:52Yeah, knees or something, yeah. But maybe it's just – it's a nice idea, though. And it's the idea that, like, you know, even maybe if you'd been a leader in life, you can be a leader in death. I like the idea – Do you know which one I'd be? I'd be any sign that basically says wait. Wait. Because I'm just quite slow. I'd be like, just hang on. I'd like to be, what sign would I be? I'd like to be just a street sign. Just a normal street sign. Just a normal street sign. Yeah. Well, you know what I'd be? I'd be, you know the ones where it's like speed limit now over and now you can just drive at the national speed limit.

56:33Right. And you're like, oh, the open road. The real speed limit ends. Yeah. something to do with freedom right basically so i think that's what people think about me they're like joe if he's anything you want to be either speed up or or wait oh yeah yeah i just but not something where you're you know not something that's something that's sort of telling you what's the worst road sign what's the very very worst one the stop sign we don't have many yeah we don't have many we have them occasionally they're all over the place in america And you're at a totally empty intersection. I've driven a lot.

57:10You've got to completely stop. Yeah, I've driven a lot in America. I'm sure there's a good reason. And when there's a four-way stop sign, I'm still not 100 % what the fuck I'm supposed to do. Yeah. Apparently, it's whoever got there first. But I keep arriving at the stop sign the same time as someone else comes to their stop sign. And I look at them and go, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know who goes between me and you. Well, Dad, if you go for, especially you, James, would you not go for give way? Give way. Give way. I'd like to give way right now, to be honest with you. I'd like something to give.

57:48I feel really sluggish and everything. I felt like it for a few days now. I can feel myself sort of, I think being constipated makes you stupid. I've been like driving the wrong direction and stuff when I got in the car to go to places. I don't think they'll allow you to use. my uranus is an excuse for that my my brain just goes on autopilot and i end up going in i i come out my house and i turn left and i go oh no i was actually going the other way i've done it a couple of times over the last few days and i think it's down to being constipated i mean yeah i can see that it it it might um it might actually begin to yeah affect your she feels sluggish and slow you might feel a bit less mentally agile yeah absolutely and I'm not that on my good days I mean I had a Barocca on the way in today to try and sort of combat it okay yeah you're doing what you can listen you're doing everything you can yeah it's just that the gut is not gut's not performing not meeting you halfway my body is shit well no I'm sure you feel like I feel like you take better care of your body than you used to maybe oh yeah i felt like your diet on the in-betweeners was extremely poor it's still it's still quite poor it's still really poor okay do you i mean do honestly have you should you should i take um dietary fiber yeah psyllium husk yeah i've got i do have a big pot of it really worth it take it every night it because i have a i have a bad diet so i don't eat enough vegetables and so what i do now is i just get up in the morning and i just eat a load of raw vegetables really um it's boring just get it i'm not going to go at vegetables but it is boring just but just get it down yeah yeah carrot pepper cucumber it's the grit it's the grit it's the green ones that are meant to be the best for you and they and i just i just hate alkaline green the crustate no the cruciferous vegetables broccoli cauliflower most foods acidic that's why when you add bicarbonate of soda to stuff it bubbles so bicarbonate of soda is alkaline so you would think well it would only bob you get bubbles on an acid and alkaline react right that's that's like your you know your kind of classic bubbly reaction you get in chemistry lessons oxygen oxygen i think it's oxygen been released yeah well maybe it's co2 but yeah but But anyway, so you would think, well, how do you know that the bicarbonate of soda is actually going to react?

1:00:21Because what if the food isn't acidic? And the truth is, almost every food is acidic. Right. So if you're trying to balance it out, you can't have a completely alkaline diet because you don't eat about three things. But you can just eat the occasional alkaline food. Anyway, this is a diet that was trendy a few years ago. And I don't know whether it still is trendy. And I don't know whether it really mattered that our food is acidic. I know it sounds bad but like maybe it's alright maybe you can't just stop having stuff because it sounds like you're like I don't like the sound of that anymore acid the science changes all the time doesn't it I think when it comes to food advice there's quite a lot of changeability and my thing is just you should eat 20 sausages a day and nothing else and I'm going to stick with that tried and tested right we've got to get back to Jessica Jessica is so good and we keep on cutting away from it to talk I would honestly say dross but it's weird I mean I love that idea it's a lovely idea why is it road signs of all in particular I know I would say it's because it's low quality metal and it's you know it's your bog standard metal something you don't mind being maybe not completely pure I can see it maybe for cremated yeah yeah not burying that's not happening that's crazy they're not chopping it out before you get buried That's just creating a corpse.

1:01:45And they're certainly not waiting until you've, you know, rotted away and then they're digging it up again. But maybe it's, look, as long as they're not taking it down the scrap metal dealers and exchanging it for cash, like with all that, like, that'll annoy me. You know, I don't want to end up in a pile with a load of, like, copper wiring when someone's nicked off the railway. But yeah, there you go. So what was your sign? I can't remember. I can't remember. I can't remember. Oh, just a street... Oh, you just said a street sign. Oh, and a street name. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. James Road.

1:02:20Well, I don't know what it'd be called, but I'd like to... I'd have to call it James Road, I think. I'd hope so. It's your floor in it. Yeah. James Road. Buckley End. Buckley End is nice. That's nice. Yeah. It's not fact for me. Not a fact. Nah. It's lovely. I forgot we have to... You agree? Yeah, yeah. It's lovely and everything, but it's not... I'm not buying it. I'm not buying what Jessica's selling. I'm not picking up what Jessica's putting down Fair enough I think I'm going to record that kind of Scottish verdict Of like not proven Okay It just feels a bit too much like And I don't want to spoil it for Jessica But it just feels a bit too much like Believing in heaven or something It just feels a bit like I'd just like to know That after, like she said Humps ahead or something Beware humps ahead Yeah, that's the one that goes like that.

1:03:13Yeah. Yeah. Okay, do you want me to give you some information? Yeah. Yes, please. So she's right. So right. Wow. Yeah. That's my tablet again. I haven't dealt with that. No, that's fine. Hang on. We've got to get to the bottom of this because this is blowing my mind. I would say there's references. So I'm looking at a website called Secure Waste, which does this. Wow. And they do it globally. and they refer to wastage of precious metals in the body when people are buried and cremated. However, it only references here cremated bodies in terms of removal of the metals. So they take things like all the metals in your hips, any parts, but they also remove gold and silver tooth fillings as well.

1:03:57And they've got a list of items to give the metals their second life. so aircraft engines auto parts for cars or new joints for other people dental gold and silver get reused for jewellery, electronics or again dental restorations platinum and palladium are for vehicle catalytic converters and then scrap metal for things like stainless steel and other parts of metals what do I know Jessica? so carry on lives on. Carry on telling people that story. It's been confirmed. It's got the fact up seal of authenticity. All I would say is, are you allowed to ask for any of it back? Do they just, like...

1:04:42I'm sure you can. You're the gold tooth. I mean, you might want the gold back. Yeah, I'm sure you can. I'm sure you can get it back. It's just if you don't claim it. There's people that have... You don't claim it. It's lost property, basically, isn't it? It's like, well, no one's come. I think you've got to make a point of it. But there's people that have, like, saved tattoos and stuff off of people that have died. sort of like well they can make that into a road sign if you had a thing saying give way and they frame it there's one story I'm basing this on basically it was one guy that saved his dad's tattoo and framed it do you know I've got a real human skull in my kitchen is that just when you're in the kitchen no No, it's a genuine human head skull.

1:05:34It's actually quite romantic because it's my first girlfriend. No, it was... She never knew she was your girlfriend. No, my wife loves skulls and spooky things. And we've got skull sculptures all around the house in different sort of styles. Presumably not real skulls. No. And you've got... Darling, I heard you like skulls. Yeah. So her birthday was coming up and I was like, I wonder if you can get a real human skull. So I got it. It was used as a teaching aid. Yeah. But it was retired from a school or something like that. Sure. How old do you have to be to retire as a skull? A skull retired. I think they got new skulls in.

1:06:26They got the skull in and they went, sit down. Look, we've loved having you here. It was quite expensive. What do you mean you've loved having me here? Well, look, times are tight, mate. Come on, Malcolm. It was quite expensive because it had all its teeth. Wow. Good teeth? They look quite good teeth, yeah. But yeah, just got – and every now and again I do go – I look up because it's up on a shelf in our kitchen. and I go and I do I go it's fucking weird having a human skull in the kitchen there come in what we called him what we call him Alfred what did we call him the kids named him come in what he's called what would he be called Horatio isn't that that speech from that Shakespeare thing he was a fellow of infinite jest no what's the speech where he does it with the skull yeah he does there's a skull and it was like doesn't he call out to Horatio I don't know I don't know anything about Shakespeare I don't know but in a way if he was mates with him how's his mate now all rotted all down to a skull already do you know what I mean did he discover him later after a few years it's been a bit later anyway I don't really know this bloke all the teeth as well I can see why it was used to teach Joe I believe we've got a bit of time for you to give us your fact.

1:07:56Yes. And then I might have to run to the toilet. So my fact, short and sweet, is that alcohol is actually an Arabic word because it's al-kahol. Al being like Arabic, very, very common word for, I think, the. Right. So it's like the kahol. And of course, there's a certain irony in that because quite a lot of Muslim cultures don't actually consume alcohol. Yeah. but it is an Arabic word alcohol brilliant that's my fact that's good yeah I think it's a good one my my brother did an Arabic masters I think and that's the only thing I've remembered I mean it's fair enough actually I didn't do the masters why should I remember anything but anyway he told me that and it's always stayed with me brilliant okay Do you need to go to the loo?

1:08:54I might need to go to the toilet quickly. And actually, tell people that in the pub, because it'd be fitting. Yeah. Anyway, and it's brought on James's toilet break. Best of luck. Good luck. See you on the other side. Off he goes. One unusual moment. I felt like that was brewing a little while, though. Ah, okay. But maybe you just got him there with the alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off he pops. off he poops off he poops I hope it does happen for him now because yeah I'm rooting for him yeah I hope so should I call him maybe maybe give him a couple of minutes and then give him a call yeah yeah do you want to turn your tablet down while we're here oh yeah

1:09:48did it happen Did it happen? Yes. Oh, my God. That's amazing. I had to take my watch off for that one. Oh, my God. Yeah. No. Congratulations. Yes. Well. Wow. My God. Do you feel better? I feel so much better. That's amazing. My God. Right. Got to stop having KFC four times a week. Well, yeah. Yes. Oh. Where were we, Joe? Well, I've told you my fact. Yes. That alcohol is an Arabic word. Yeah.

1:10:26And there is a guy. I just think, yeah. We've got some correspondence as well. Here's a little bit of extra chit from Mike via the Fact Up WhatsApp. Mike says, hey, guys, love the pod. Just wanted to tell you a funny story that happened this week because of your podcast. I'm going to say podcast. I don't like saying the word pod too much. Okay. It's demeaning. This is very serious. This is art, what we're creating here. Yeah, okay. Don't just call it a pod. You could just say then a story that happened this week because of your art. Thank you. Did you say art? Art. Okay. And the rest. Someone's going to have a story when they go into that toilet after they have it because of my art.

1:11:09I'm currently engaged to a New Zealand girl and her aunt and uncle are staying with us. she was out with the aunt and the uncle told me that he was going to see the changing of the guard I went out to see my mum who lives 20 minutes from me as I walked back I listened to the pod and heard about James's sit down wee as I got home I thought I'd try it I was happily listening away thinking James is right however thinking that the uncle must still be out I left the door open Then I was horrified to look up and see her uncle standing there, watching me have a sitting down wee. As he walked away, I heard him say, Poms are weird.

1:11:51Thought you'd enjoy it. Love the pod. Mike. Mike, don't let your girlfriend's fiancé's uncle put you off from having a sit down wee. Don't let society tell you how you can and cannot shit and piss. Yeah. That's my motto. yeah um the body does what the body does i'm just pleased that he follows your idea yeah i hope it catches on um also have we got a voice note we have is that right yeah from barry hello boys barry here uh just catching up on the pod and a few weeks ago you were chatting about dribbling loads of piss out when you go to the toilet now i had a problem with this i was dribbling so much piss out that it was becoming a problem.

1:12:39I actually found myself stinking of piss at times. And I found out that apparently if you apply a bit of pressure with a couple of fingers to the bottom of your gooch, it can relieve any built up piss in there. And I'll be honest, it is like magic. You get your hands down there, give it a squeeze, and it's like firing a water pistol. Great fun, always works. And the amount of piss in my trousers and my pants has decreased quite a bit since that time. Not all the way, but pretty much is there and I no longer find myself stinking a piss in the middle of the day. Cheers. Nice one, Barry. Cheers, mate.

1:13:16That's fantastic. I love how happy he is. He's happy. He's turned his thighs. And he's realistic as well. You know, he's not going to 100%, you know, solve the problem. I assume he's got something to do with the prostate. I'm just so happy he has such a chipper message. Yeah. And it sounds like he's turned his life around. He's sleeping better. Again, I would say the sit-down wee. I like that thing, though, the squeeze. I'm going to try that. The perineum. That's the perineum. He's at the bottom of the gooch, to use Barry's terminology. That's the space between your balls and your arsehole, isn't it?

1:13:49No, it's not. He means just the bottom of the shaft. Just squeeze there. That's not the gooch. Don't go to the... Willie Mae, where's the gooch? Well, the gooch is a word. I think he means penis. I'm sure he means penis. I don't think you should be... Well, why don't one of you try one method and one of you try the other and see. Okay, so I'll try... Oh, do you know what I've forgotten to do? I'll try squeezing the penis. Oh, you've not forgotten the erection thing. I forgot to give myself an erection by holding my legs. I haven't had a chance. I've been on holiday. It wasn't... It's the perfect time.

1:14:22Well, no, it was a family holiday. You're away. Yeah, I'm not... A bit more relaxed. I was... Right, okay. By next record, I want you guys to have tried that. Okay, fine. Well, that's going to be difficult because we're doing that straight after this one. Okay, the next physical record. Yeah, okay. Hey, I'm all fact out, Joe. Me too. What the fuck have we learned today? Well. We've learned that they take the metal out of bodies and turn them into planes. Planes. And road signs and stuff. And we've learned that if you fiddle back with your gooch, you'll get rid of that excess piss. Yeah, and if we could only nail down what gooch means, then we'd be away.

1:15:00We're golden. But I'll tell you what, you climb one hill and all you see is another hill in the distance. It's like Scotland. We hope that you've learned something or had a nice time at least. We'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and holding your chaps. And don't forget you can get in touch with us if you would like us to fact check something that feels true to you or with whatever nonsense you'd like to tell us about by emailing us hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is 07822034330. Or you can follow us on social media at joeandjamespod and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those discounts.

1:15:41Discount? That's a shame, isn't it? The last word. You did a good job. Head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details. That's the end of an episode. Thanks. Bye. Joe and James, fucked up.

1:16:01This week on Help, I sexted my boss. Some lad on one of those line bikes had gone into the back of me car. I've chased him halfway down the street in just me shorts. Why have you not told your bank? You have moved house. Who does that? I'm speechless. You have not done that. He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a suction cup to f***, firmly attached it to a book and climbed on top and rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics. Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.