James, Draw Me Like One Of Your French Girls

0:02Before we dive into this episode of Joe and James Facked Up, I've got some essential listening you need to get in your queue. Summer might be over, but that doesn't mean you can't start planning your next getaway. Chelsea and James on the Holiday Expert Show have got you covered with details on whether now's the right time to book next year's trip to get the best price. And if you're after something a little more niche, their latest episode has got you covered there too, including the details of a trip to Italy for a fun run involving tiramisu. That sounds messy. So, once you're all fact-up, search for The Holiday Expert Show to play next.

0:36The mighty dollar. Once upon a time, it had a whole menu named after it. Now, no more. But one dollar a day lets you add Progressive renter's insurance to your auto insurance. Definitely something your younger self would roll their eyes at, but your current adulting self appreciates. Learn more at Progressive.com. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company affiliates and other insurers. Average premium costs based on Progressive Home data from 2025. Product and prices may vary by state. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating.

1:13You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends.

1:52You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. well we are recording we're recording right recording right so how do we describe how do we how do we get into this episode right so this episode it's a very special episode this we are we are currently backstage uh i think or behind the stage backstage that's what they call it in the biz didn't they we're backstage at the moment at uh alex james's big festival yeah and in the after we finish talking here, you're going to hear what we got up to on stage, which is really exciting.

2:55This is the first time that we've done Joe and James Facts Up live. We're in front of a live audience. How are you feeling, Joe? Pretty nervous, actually. It's nerve-wracking, isn't it? It's a big audience in there. It's nerve-wracking. Do you know what's putting me off right now? Yeah. Right? Is I can smell my jacket. Yeah, now what's happened there? I'm wearing a jacket that I haven't worn since... It's raining, by the way. It's the first time that it's rained. Yeah. For months. Yeah. And I'm wearing a jacket that I use to take my dog for a walk. And I just, I've left it in the boot of my car for the whole summer.

3:27The last time I wore it, it was raining. Took it off, put it in the boot of the car. And I don't think it dried out. I think it just got a bit. It's just. It's just, it's really kicking up a bit. You put it in an environment that you'd put like a cheese if you were making. Yeah. You know, a wheel of rock for something. thing so and it's now warming up obviously on your body and is that helping the smell or is that it's no i can every now and again i get a little whiff of sort of mildew and it's um it's a shame really because i've got no other jacket with me it's the only jacket i brought with me yeah that's in the car i know where that is yeah i can grab that when i need it yeah you you can't trust stuff that lives in the car you can't you don't know what you're dealing with there can't trust people that live in their car either.

4:11No, I don't like the bloke in our car. He's really aggressive. Yeah. Yeah. Nude a lot of the time as well. Well, no, you know, he takes the piss out of my parking as well. Yeah. That's what really annoys me. Shall I get my grandma to help you out? Yeah, it's mean. And then obviously I panic and it gets even worse. Yeah. We've actually got a special little guest joining us right now. this is um my daughter is here who has uh now she's run away i knew that was gonna happen i knew that was gonna happen we got um me and claire got our kids on our podcast once um and you know what kids are like yeah they're always there they're always noisy they're always around yeah and then as soon as you say do you want to say something do you want to and then they go oh no i'm too shy live performance everyone thinks i can do it not everyone can do it not Everyone can do it.

5:07Everyone can do the old live performance. But luckily, the audience that are here right now, they're in a safe pair of hands. Well, they believe that we can. Four hands. And they're about to find out whether that's true. Yeah. But me and Joe, to be honest, Joe, I'm feeling a bit like a kid who's been asked to say something right now. I'm a bit giddy. I'm a bit nervous. I'm a bit excited. Well, we've done a year of the whole pod just in the studio. And obviously now when I'm going into that, I'm like too cool for school. You know, I just whatever. Yeah. You know, I barely even, I'm barely even awake.

5:42Oh God. Oh, listen, I couldn't be bothered when we started doing it. Whereas this, this is, this is, this is live. This is giving us a bit of a shot in the arm. I think maybe, yeah. This is like when a complacent British team goes to Europe and... JT. We've got to go. The hour is upon us. Here we go. They're about to blow the whistle. We're about to go over the top like we did in our audition for War Horse. What was it? Was it War Horse? It was War Horse. Yeah. They went in a different direction in the end. They did, yeah. With both parts. Listen, he's a coward. I've always said this about Spielberg.

6:18He's a coward. He won't take a chance. He got some good actors to be in his film. Anyone can do that. I've said this about Nolan. I've said the same thing about Nolan. Everyone thinks Nolan's so great. Yeah, look at the cast. Look at the people that he gets to be in his film. Any chef can cook with the finest ingredients. Try and do a film with me, mate. And let's see. And then if that film's also a masterpiece, then yeah, I will say good director. Nolan's proved nothing. No, he's the Pep Guardiola of the film industry. He's just some bloke. He just turns up. He goes to whatever club's got the most money, builds the best team.

6:53And then once things get a little bit tough, he goes, oh, I'm burnt out. I'm burnt out now. I've been scratching my head on the sidelines and I've made myself bleed and now I've got to leave. Pathetic. Pathetic. Guardiola, Spielberg, rubbish as far as I'm concerned. You deserve each other. You deserve each other. I hope you're happy together. Yeah. I hope you're happy together. Right, Joe, should we do this show? Let's go. Let's get out there. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

7:33Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James Joe and James, Fucked Up Right, let's change gears very quickly

7:44Let's relax a bit, shall we? That was a bit much Yeah It's also quite funny, it's like Here they come! And then we come on and it's like I get that all the time People come up to me in the street They're like, it's fucking... I'm sorry, I will swear by the way That was quick, that was quick Just say that, that was quick go ask Jay from the in between us also what does it mean use your discretion what are you supposed to do like pull their ears off but people go to go ask Jay just figure it out it's Jay from the in between us he's going to be doing something mental what are you up to and I go well I've got the dry cleaning to pick up and I've got kids need picking up in about half an hour and their soul dies that's it that's the look I can see it all on your faces now yeah don't look to James for like your hopes of a rock and roll lifestyle if that's what you're thinking oh I could I could be like that and then I'm going to have an amazing life.

8:33Your life seems... Boring. No offence, boring. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But this is a live podcast. Does anyone listen to Joe and James Fact Up? Does anyone? Yes, thank you. Thank God. But this is new for me and Joe. A lot of what we do on our podcast does get cut out. I'd say about 45 minutes gets cut out per episode. This set is 45 minutes long, so... We usually have managers run onto the set and go, right, move on, guys. Come on, we can't, you know. Yeah, seen it happen. Did any of my P. Diddy stuff get in the episode? No. No, Lily May's saying no. No.

9:16It was funny stuff. It was some good stuff. Oh, anyway, how is everyone? Good? Bit rainy, isn't it? Haven't had rain for ages. yeah it's like a little trick to get our audience up what's also good presumably quite a lot of people just don't want to be here they're like it's just dry yeah let's see this is a good test if this is so bad that people are going back out there yeah i mean that is bad i can see some people walking away off they go yeah that's fine that's all right no i think it's easing off actually yeah it's definitely easing off it's fine yeah also can i just say so one of these sort of uh sort of recurring themes of the podcast is my shoes.

9:57They've been the subject of mockery, I'd say, early on, because they were mucky apparently. So I feel like I've been goaded into buying new shoes. And these are like perfectly white, pristine new trainers, and then they make me walk across that. They've got like hay on them, bits of pig. Do you know what I mean? I can't get it right. You can't, mate. I would have been better off with my old ones. So I don't know what the lesson is there. I don't know why you didn't wear those. Never change. You've got old knackered shoes that you've worn for years. I know. Anyway, right, here we go. Welcome to Joe and James Fact Hub.

10:37Yes, hello. Here we go. This is a podcast loosely about facts, but it's more about the chats. And we're coming today live from Feastival. Big Feastival, guys!

10:52And it's an anniversary or something. Can we turn Lily May's mic on? This is Lily May. Oh, Lily May. This is Queen Lily May, by the way. So Lily May is like the grown-up who sort of keeps us in line. Yeah. And we also call her Queen Lily May because she is kind of the arbiter of truth. Like what she says. She reigns over the podcast. She reigns fairly and serenely over our podcast. I will say she did buy this outfit for herself because I'm the adult of the podcast she's an adult so what's happening well so for those who don't know we started the podcast about a year ago so I actually well anyway does anyone want to cheer for that thank you it's not just anyone who can get a podcast going you know it's more or less everyone is it okay to ask for a cheer ask for a cheer we're gonna have to we're gonna have to but I've actually brought you guys some gifts to celebrate our first anniversary and I'm gonna deliver them to you now I will say if you haven't heard the podcast it might be a little bit confusing but what might be fun is you guys explaining your gifts I don't listen to the podcast so I might find it confusing fingers crossed you remember so Jo I'm gonna deliver you your gift first oh this is exciting everyone cheer let's have a you know a drum roll there should be some drum surely so music and everything yes thank you okay right oh yeah okay that's going to be impossible to explain no i can explain it go on this is um incredibly involved but this is based on a dream i had uh where i mean there's no other way like to do this other than to tell the entire story Oh, Jesus.

12:50I had a dream. I could do it. I could do it in 30 seconds. No, no, I'll do the highlights. I had a dream about Osama bin Laden. And he was living in a cave. And the Americans went to visit him. And he was really rude to them. And the way he was rude to them was that he sneezed in their faces. he was also wearing pajamas that were embroidered with tiny little what looked like green polka dots but if you looked closely they were actually tiny bright green octopuses and he was holding in his hands like a sort of dr evil a full-size version of the octopus creature and when the dream ended a sort of voice came over, like a voiceover in the dream.

13:40Like a narrator. Like a narrator. And in a sort of David Attenborough voice, it went, and so Osama returned to his lair, cradling the gorgeous palanthroform. That's what the animal is. It's a palanthroform. It's called palanthroform. Which is a made-up word. Is it? Yes, it's a made-up word. I dreamt that word in my dream. Good for you, Joe. That's my word. I can't believe it was boring the first fucking time we... I wasn't sure if we were going to go over it again. If you look under palanthal form, there's a cheeky little mouth sticking his tongue out as well. Oh, look, because he's cheeky. Is that a mouth?

14:23You see that? I think it's a mouth. Yeah, I mean... I'll be honest, that's also life-sized as well, as far as I'm concerned. I don't know if you can see that. But parents, if your children can't see it now, take a photo. I thought you might want to cradle Palantra Form for the episode. I will, and I'll just cradle that in my arms. That's amazing. Yeah, James, for you, I've got a very sexy seagull with little red lips. That's lovely. Would you like to explain that to all the lovely crowd? Just take us through this, James. So this is a seagull with little red lips. If you look at seagulls close up, they do have little red lips, like they've got lipstick on.

15:03Yeah. Trust me. Anyway, this is again another long story. When we were making The Inbetweeners... The gist of it is that James appears to sort of slightly fancy seagulls. No, I don't. And when they were brought up, literally blushed... Right, hang on. Bright red, we have to turn it down in the video version of the podcast. There's an episode in The Inbetweeners where there's some seagulls trying to nick Will's chips, right? And he tells them to fuck off or something. That's the one. Yes, thank you. Thank you. That's the one. And I said, oh, you're getting like stunt seagulls. How's that going to work?

15:45Are you getting real seagulls to come in? And they were like, yeah, we're going to get trained seagulls. And I was like, oh, yeah. And it's funny that they've got little red-lipped seagulls, haven't they? And they were like, and Joe and the rest of the boys were going, what are you talking about, luckily? And it wasn't just that. It was that you were kind of... It's because I said... You were going, like, are you getting the ones... You were sort of sidling up to, like, the animal wrangler, being like, are you going to get the ones with the little red lips? This is all conjecture. No, this is...

16:12No. So then that turned into... The story then sort of morphed into me saying sexy little red lips, which I never said. I never once said sexy little red lips at all whatsoever. Yeah, sometimes you don't need to say it, though, do you? No, yeah. It's not. And then they all started going, oh, do you fancy seagulls? They started doing that to me. And I was going, no, of course I don't. Of course I don't fancy seagulls. And then I went bright red. As if they'd gone, oh, we've heard you fancy Lisa or something. And I was going, no, no, I don't. I don't fancy seagulls at all. So now, apparently, I fancy seagulls.

16:48Yeah, and the other thing that happened... And this is a lovely one. These have got lovely little red lips, sexy little red lips. And also, the other thing that happened is that... Does mine have a penis? No, it doesn't. you weren't allowed how did you get this made and what did you say to the person that made it so we were approached by a guy called Chris Sutton who is a fan of the podcast so shout out to Chris he is a prop maker professionally and I think these are the worst things he's ever had to make but he's a fan of the podcast and I said would you be up for making some mascots that we can put in the set they are incredible and the things that came to my mind were gorgeous palanthroform and your sexy seagull I'm a bit scared about what might happen with that seagull but I think I'll keep a bit of distance and we'll be alright, hopefully if everyone can keep an eye on James' lap that'd be great can I just also say that the seagull incident James backed that up he was left alone in the production office for the Inbetweeners and someone went in and disturbed him and James was on the computer and he was looking at a big picture of like a big bird, like flying in the sky.

18:06It was an eagle. And then when they, it was an eagle, all right. And then when they came in, James went, oh! And then like closed it down.

18:14Like, it's weird, you'd, it's no big deal looking at an eagle. It's because I'd got... You're allowed to look at an eagle. It's weird that you'd... On the train on the way in, I picked up a Metro newspaper and it had an article about a bald eagle on it and it was next to a bloke and i went oh god they're massive yeah so when i was left alone in a room with a computer i started looking up well we all do that i mean you know i look at the news on my phone as i come into work and obviously what you do is you get into work and you google an image of every every news story that was on there again i did again it was my own fault because i did jump and panic when someone came into the room so it was in your defence it was suspicious it did look suspicious I think we've broken you a bit by that point you were like one of those people who like the police get to confess to something they haven't done because they've just kept them awake for 24 hours and by the end they're like yeah I did I was going oh I'm going to lose my job now he's doing that right we do have anyway happy anniversary we do thank you so much they're amazing thank you Queen Lily May thank you mum

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19:56You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S.

20:34offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. The mighty dollar. Once upon a time, it had a whole menu named after it. Now, no more. But$1 a day lets you add Progressive renter's insurance to your auto insurance.

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21:39We do have stuff that we need to do. We can't just sit here and talk about sexy little red-lipped seagulls the whole time. Even though I know I'd love to. I would love to, believe me. But we have got some pun-believables here. This is a feature in our podcast where later in life, someone has discovered that the thing that they were saying for ages was an actual pun. You suddenly realise that something's a pun. The classic example is art attack. Remember art attack when you were a kid and you were watching that on CITV? Obviously there's a pun of heart attack, which I did get at the time because I'm not an idiot.

22:17Quite a dark pun for a children's show. I know, yeah. Hey kids, you know heart attacks? Yeah. Yeah? You know that thing that killed your granddad? Add art, yeah. Yeah. More thought needed there. Yeah. But Joe, this is your segment. You love a pun believable. We do have the jingle to play live as well. Oh, and we do have the jingle as well. If everyone would like to hear the jingle for Pun Believable live. I think the band Boyzone is a pun on boys' own. Of course it is. Match of the day is a pun on catch of the day. Fucking hell. I didn't realize that Girls Are Loud was a pun for a while, as in girls are allowed in this club too.

22:58And people say, you know, there's no new land left to discover. Well, in the mind there is. It's... unbelievable Jeff and then that at the end so that's the feature it's a bit of fun and as you enter your 40s it's all that's left just realising there's just a few things to tick off where you're like well there's nothing really left but I didn't realise that was a pun and I didn't realise that was a pun and then that is it done so it's time to go through the puns you didn't realise are puns as I've just explained you can see why we need to edit the podcast yeah I was supposed to say that before the jingle we've got a message from Tom this is a message from Tom I'm in charge of this bit so just well take charge then Joe Jesus I am in charge if you stop interrupting me just give me a chance you're being such a beta right now alright this is from Tom hi guys and Queen Lily Mae this is the manosphere I'm doing it now hi guys and Queen Lily Mae hope you're all well just wanted to say I absolutely love the pod, his words, and have been listening from the beginning.

24:06Great job so far. Up until now, thank you. I have a two-year-old boy and I've just been blown away after discovering something that is genuinely pun-believable. I can already say I'm going to like this. You may or may not be aware, but the Winnie the Pooh character Eeyore, I did know this, is actually a play on words based on the sound a donkey makes. Eeyore. I think I did know that. It can't just be any puns. It's got to be stuff that you didn't know. Well, he has only just realised. Okay, fine. He has only just realised. His mind's going to be blown. There was a kid's TV show when I was a kid called Woof.

24:44Yeah, it's just the dog's name. And it's called Oh My God. Because dogs! Yeah. All right. I always get annoyed with this feature because if I already realised it, I don't count them. But of course, it's whether they realised it. And he didn't. Anyway, he continues. After realising that Eeyore is, in fact, a rather depressing donkey, I'm not really sure how A.A. Milne got away with putting a depressed donkey in a children's novel well, you know, art attack but after a bit of further investigation I discovered that A.A. Milne fought in World War I including at the Battle of the Somme and suffered from PTSD so I probably shouldn't be surprised what a jolly thing to bring up anyway, I thought this was too good not to share keep up the brilliant work, I'm looking forward to hearing more Tom, age 35, from Suffolk we ask for their ages it's quite funny when people have to go like 42 yeah 42 in 10 months yeah yeah thanks for that Tom you've okay I mean yeah you've really derailed the show well I thought to be honest I thought it was going to be an explanation and that was why I got excited for why Winnie the Pooh is called Winnie the Pooh yeah what's a poo with an H at the end well it's a shit isn't it well it's not but it's not he was a vicar though wasn't he AA Milne wasn't he some sort a vicar where they don't poo he was a soldier okay he wrote those stories for his kids so he was he was a vicar and then he went into christopher robin was his kid i think he went into the army and he was around all the soldiers and he came back swearing and going oh poo right and all the other stuff that soldiers say but he did he did yeah he did didn't he i think christ i think his kid was called Christopher Robin and again, just to keep things down and depressing, his kid hated that he was called Christopher Robin and had a real bad problem with it.

26:35Because people get from being like, oh! Where's Eeyore? Yeah, where's Eeyore? Yeah. Did you know that Eeyore's a pun on the note? He'd be like, yes! Yeah. We've got another one. Do you want to do this one? Yeah, this is from Shea. Shea says, alright lads, love the show. Here's words. proper highlight of the week I have a pun believable for you did you oh god they're getting shit sorry you've thrown us wrong these are terrible these are the listeners be careful alright they are good they can walk out at any point they're brilliant we do appreciate them did you know Eminem's name is a pun of his initials M &M Marshall Mathers yeah is there anyone here that didn't know that yes I can do that there you go he didn't know This is for you.

27:21You're going to love this. He's not leaving the tent. But Eminem's real name is Marshall Mathers, which was the name of his first LP. Is that right? The Marshall Mathers LP? Thank you. And M &M, that got turned into Eminem. Look, this guy is...

27:43Mind blown. Can I just ask, did you know that Eeyore won? No. Doubling up. He's got two for two. he's had a great day Shea does go Shea does go and say apologies if this one was a little too obvious I'm ashamed to admit this one came to me far too late in life oh the best Shea you know what it's alright because there are things that he didn't know that's the rule if you didn't know it's unbelievable we've got one more here from Tyler this is going to rescue this is going to rescue the future because as of right now we've got nothing that can go into the edit of the show it's all going in oh great shall I read it you read it hi Joe and James James loving the show.

28:20Their words. Just want to add in a pun believable pun from the office holiday calendar. At work, we have a holiday calendar, so everyone knows who's off and everyone has to put in their name and dates. E.g. Joe off, James and you'll leave. Thank you, Tyler. Jack at work for a long time went with Jack off. This took a very long time for everyone to catch on, but even after getting called out for it he's still Jack Off on the holiday calendar. He's a huge fan of the show so please give Jack Off Williams a huge shout out. We love that one. Thank you Tyler. Good. Thank God for that one. And it was just crude humour wasn't it?

29:07That's all we need. That's all we need. Right it is now time for fact check. This is the part of the show where we read a fact that's been sent in to us from a listener that can't be bothered to just very quickly Google on their phone to find out whether it's true or not. We've sort of decided that it's now too easy, because you find out whether anything's true now, because AI will tell you, which I'm not going to bring up. I get told off. Because I'm not allowed to anymore. But what we need now is actually wrong answers to things. So that's where we come in. I get told off by my wife because couples can't have an argument anymore.

29:40Because if I go, no, no, that was in 94, And she'll go, no, I think it was 95. And then I'll just get my phone out. And she goes, well, that's no fun, is it? Yeah. Are we supposed to have an argument and fall out over when an album was released? If you just keep looking up the answer every time. So all I'm saying is don't ask the large language models. They're too good. Come to us instead. And we'll have a think about it. Okay, so this is this week's fact check that comes from Daniel. Oh, God. I've had this discussion. Anyway. I've read this and I don't understand how you've had this discussion.

30:21Yeah, the rounds on the internet about two years ago. Are there more wills or windows on Earth? Oh, my God. I'll say this just for the edit. This isn't for your... We're going to go to a break now. You didn't have to do that, but thank you. I didn't have to? No, you didn't have to. Oh, okay. Well, then I won't. Very professional.

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31:24It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text. You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like, and that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance, and some pay as little as$0, depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality, licensed therapists across the U.S., offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends.

32:08You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability. And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc.

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33:33That's Z-O-C-D-O-C. ZocDoc.

33:40And now we're back. Yeah. We're back. We're still live at Big Feastival. We've still got an audience here which i really it's raining it's because of the rain yeah this is one of the few dry places at the festival yeah um but we were just discussing or we were just about to discuss whether there are more wheels or windows or not first of all i heard is there more wheels or doors that was what i was that was the question that was given to me and then you go um so what do you think joe what do because this is new to you so I'm going to get your thoughts fresh. Are there more wheels and windows? Well it feels like it's a question On planet Earth.

34:24On planet Earth. It feels like it's a question about houses versus cars. Go on, carry on. Because I'm going to throw something in the works here. Cars are, well I assume I'm just being led down sort of an obvious path here. Because I would observe that cars have wheels and windows. That's good. Whereas houses don't have wheels. Not all of them, no. Can do depends on your budget, I suppose. But mine doesn't. One day, hopefully, I'm hoping to get some added. I'm going to say this to you now. Maybe alloys. Lego. Okay. Apparently Lego... Carry on. And this might not be true, but it's definitely a fact.

35:09Apparently, Lego make more tyre... They're the biggest tyre company, tyre-making company on the planet. Lego makes more tyres than any other company. Then Michelin, good year. That is... There are others, Bridgestone. Pirelli. Pirelli, how could I forget Pirelli? That's a good one. What's your favourite tyre out of... What's yours? Budget. shit we've actually got a set of pirellis to give away at the end of this um but what do you lego are the biggest time but they also make windows so i don't know they do don't they they do they do but i don't know if they make as many windows as they do with wheels and tires and stuff but for if it's just if we're just thinking about lego i'm saying wheels there are more wheels than windows okay well we're

36:12well i mean i think we're going how many i mean how how many like how many how many lego wheels are there on the planet then they so they make they make more more wheels than i mean that is there's got to be more wheels than people yeah are there more lego heads than there There's about 8 billion people, isn't there? Are there more Lego heads than real heads, would you say? That's a question, isn't it? I don't know, man. The other thing with Lego... This is a good conversation if you're, like, stoned or something, isn't it? Should we throw it over to the audience? I think we're going to have to, yeah.

36:49Okay, so, wheels or windows? If you think there are more wheels on planet Earth, shout now.

37:01Did you just say now back to me? Shout it now, yeah. That's a really weird response. Well, no, shout now. Shout now. You've got me on a technicality. I mean, you've been mugged off by a child, and that'll teach you for all the swearing. I've lost a battle of wits to this little funny guy. Yeah, and he had to explain it to you. Yeah. that was the bit I liked he's educating you well done you've done the funniest thing so thank you very much we really appreciate that honestly thank you there'll be some royalties on their way if you think that there are more windows on planet earth shout now right now I can't remember how loud the shout was I feel like the wheels was louder Queen Lily May Yeah, I think it goes to wheels.

37:58Is it going to wheels? Is that how we're deciding this one, though? Yeah, I think I want the audience to make the final decision. So that's it. We can go another round of cheers. Can I just do another one? It doesn't matter. But do you prefer wheels or windows? Okay. Because I think they say different things. Like, maybe it's sad that there are too many wheels and not enough windows. Because we should be looking at each other and not just driving away, man. If you think that wheels are better than windows, shout now. See what I mean? If you prefer a window, shout now. Yes, thank you. Windows are very popular.

38:40Yeah, that's, yeah. So what's the answer, Queen Lily Mae? So I think the answer is we believe there's more wheels than windows, but we would prefer windows to wheels. Yeah, let's get that sorted out. Because they're more scarce, the windows. Yeah. They're more sought after, aren't they? And they're more clear, they're more transparent, so you can deal with them better. So if you ever have to have that discussion, you can say, we actually got to the bottom of it, Joe and James Facts Up Live. It is wheels, there are more wheels, but windows are better. Okay, so we're going to reverse the trend. Let's get it going now.

39:15Big feast of all. Throw away your wheels by windows. Yeah. and get no matter what the consequences and get you just do it get your windows from a shelter as well there's a lot of windows without homes and this has gone weird people buy them for christmas i'm just looking at queen lily maker and she's going what are you talking about this is normal though for you um right let's move on joe okay now we have we also have another feature on our podcast and it's called Script Up where me and Joe reenact a famous scene from a film we've actually got two scenes to do today for you you're very lucky I'm going to come on to assist with this because I think you might need some stage hands the film that we're doing scenes from is Titanic has anyone ever seen that?

40:11I went to the cinema to see it I was underaged but I got in and I saw some boobs it was great it was really fun which is going to be one of the scenes that we're doing today isn't it yeah we are we're doing the Joe should we we're going to go for it because me and Joe by the way me and Joe are actors like we're really good we're paid for this stuff so this is going to be really special for you guys you're going to see some amazing acting right now and yeah this is free just enjoy it yeah really the first scene that I've asked you guys to do is I'm flying Jack so I feel like you might want to be front and centre I feel for this Joe I would like you to be Jack and James I'd like you to be Rose if that's okay and we have got some music that we can play in the background as well but I think you guys can go and let the music take you okay so are you ready?

41:10so it's just in case you don't know so um just the titanic's a boat oh yeah it takes place on a ship uh which is also called titanic which is called titanic and the thing about titanic is uh it's unsinkable that's the um i'll tell you what the tent is leaking the tent is leaking right in the middle of the stage which might put a lesser actor off but it's not I'm just going to pretend that's spray from the waves it's all part of my process and it's quite fitting as well because we're obviously ignoring that, we're going oh whatever it's very much like when they ignore the iceberg yeah they're just like, whatever's mate right here we go can I check something before we do this because it's caused problems before are one or either of you going to read the stage directions oh shall I?

42:01because you did this last time Joe Shall I read the stage directions? Yeah, you read the stage directions. Okay. Whenever you're ready. All right, here we go. Here we go. Hang on, let me get into character. Okay. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, Jack. Hang on, don't interrupt. Oh, sorry. Jack is standing at the front of the ship. Rose walks up behind him. Hello, Jack. Jack turns around to face Rose. I changed my mind. Jack smiles as Rose begins to walk towards him. They said you might be up here. What?

42:42While Jack is speaking, I haven't got anything to do. While Jack is speaking, Rose grabs his hand and closes her eyes. Right, hang on. I need to see the script.

42:55Cancel. Cancel. Yeah. You've got the keyboard to come up. just says Tyler. No, no. Right. While Jackie's speaking, Rose grabs his hand and closes her eyes. He leads her. He leads her to the front of the ship. Shh. Give me your hand. Now close your eyes. Step up. Now hold on to the railing.

43:32keep your eyes closed don't speak I'm not so it should be don't peek I'm not, I'm not Jack helps Rose step onto the rail of the ship

43:54step up onto the rail Hold on. Keep your eyes closed. Rose giggles and smiles.

44:08Do you trust me? I trust you. Jack lifts her arms like wings.

44:20All right. Open your eyes. Rose opens her eyes and gasps I'm flying Jack Oh Jack

44:35That's part of the railing

44:42Rose and Jack look at the ocean for a while

44:48They hold hands Yeah and then what? And then what? What it says and kiss. Just what it says. Just what it says. Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss. Right, that's the end of that.

45:13Right. Did anyone think that scene wasn't steamy enough? No, we brought everything. Well. Well, hang on. Hang on a minute. The car scene has very few words. However, would anyone like to see James draw Joe as one of his French girls?

45:37Fabulous. That's your next scene. Right, how do we do this, Queen Lily-Mae? So your next scene is, as you can see. Right, so I've got the stage directions. You have got the stage directions if you want to do them. You will be Rose this time. Yeah. Because you're both very versatile. Are you okay with the stage directions again, Joe? I can do the stage directions. It's fine. They're important. James, you'll be Jack. And I'm also going to convert your iPad into a drawing pad so you can actually draw Joe. But I'm going to get my laptop so you can actually see the script. Yeah, that'd be great. Because I'm a good producer.

46:14That'd be brilliant. So you guys peruse the script and get yourself ready. Right, so this is... Queen Lily-Made's gone to get her laptop. This scene is called Draw Me Like One of Your French Girls. And we'll be reenacting that for you now. I'm just going to get some of these stage directions out of the way because they're quite long. Yeah. So the first direction, it just says 1912. So I don't know how I'm supposed to... It's not a direction, is it? That's not really down to me, is it? But it's 1912. So I'll just, you know, be then. Like in a dream, the beautiful woodwork and satin upholstery emerge from the rusted ruin.

46:57Jack is overwhelmed by the opulence of the room. He sets his sketchbook and drawing materials on the marble table.

47:07Will this light do? Don't artists need good light? That is not true. I am not used to working in such horrible conditions.

47:25Hey, Monet. Monet. He couches the painting stacked against the wall. Isn't he great? The use of colour. I saw him once. I saw him once through a hole in this garden fence. In Jivon? Yeah, Jivonny? Don't know. Don't know. Okay. She goes into the adjoining walk-in wardrobe closet. Here we go. He sees her go to the safe and start working the combination. He's fascinated. Cam insists on lugging this thing everywhere. Should I be expecting him any time soon? Not as long as the cigars and brandy hold out. Clunk! She unlocks the safe. Glancing up, she meets his eyes in the mirror behind the safe. She opens it and removes the necklace, then holds it out to Jack, who takes it nervously.

48:24What is it? Sapphire? A diamond. A very rare diamond called the heart of the ocean. Jack gazes at wealth beyond his comprehension because it's about class as well. There's themes to it. It's clever. It's very clever. And he knows that Monet's good, even though that rich guy doesn't. do you know what I mean think about it, re-watch it

48:53I want you to draw me like one of your French girls wearing this she smiles at you wearing only this he looks up at her he looks up at her, surprised Rose's bedroom on the butterfly comb as Rose draws it out of her hair remember that bit? she shakes her head and her hair falls free around her shoulders in the sitting room Jack is laying out his pencils like surgical tools his sketchbook is open and ready he looks up as she comes into the room wearing a silk kimono the last thing I need is another picture of me looking like a china doll as a paying customer I expect to get what I want she hands him a dime and steps back

49:55parting the kimono the blue stone lies on her creamy breast they've gone with creamy breasts, yeah creamy are they creamy ones though? yeah okay fine not interested in the knot I basically like cream oh everyone loves a creamy breast creamy you always hear builders on science go oh look at those creamy breasts yeah they're not they're not creamy they're buttery cheesy don't know I've lost it's a bad time to do I've lost my place here we go we can still talk about creamy breasts if you want here we go don't you worry it's alright because the music's keeping the mood going as well. We're on a ship.

50:44I forgot about that. Yeah, we're on a ship. Jack looks so stricken it is almost comical. The kimono drops to the floor. This is all in cuts. Lyrical. So what they're saying is it's not... You know, it's classy. Yeah. Tell me when it looks right to you. She poses on the divan.

51:06Settling like a cat into the position we remember from the drawing. Almost. Just bend your left leg a little and lower your head. Eyes to me. That's right.

51:29Dax starts the sketch. He drops his pencil and she stifles a laugh. I believe you're blushing, Mr Big Artiste. I can't imagine Monsieur Monet blushing. He does landscapes.

51:45His eyes come up to look at her over the top of his sketch pad. We have seen this image of him before, in her memory. It is an image he will carry the rest of her life.

51:57Despite his nervousness, he draws with sure strokes and what emerges is the best thing he has ever done. Her pose is languid, her hands beautiful, and her eyes radiate with energy. That's the end of the scene. That's it. Thanks, guys. James, would you like to show your drawing to the crowd and to Joe? It's actually a bit small. I'm hoping you can see it. But that's Joe on the couch there. There's some breasts and they're creamy. Creamy breasts. There's cream coming out and just below it, just below them is a little mug catching all the cream. Catching the creamy breasts. Well, I think it's very fitting because it is about food as well as culture, this festival.

52:42So you've got a little bit of both there. Our point is, basically, is that me and Joe, we get accused of only being able to do one thing. Oh, they only play the same characters in everything they end up doing. They're just Jay and Simon from the Inbetweeners. I think we've proved our point. Yeah, round of applause. I think so. Let me get your script back up.

53:07Now, you did actually tell me, James, that I didn't ask, which is rare, but you have brought a fact to Feastable today. Well, it's actually Joe's fact. OK. Me and Joe met up in the reception of the hotel this morning and we were like, oh, was we supposed to bring a fact? Yeah. I've stopped asking. So, yeah, no, we quite often, so the format of the podcast is meant to be that me and James tell each other facts. we regularly forget or have to sort of Google them beforehand. But I did have a fact which is that we're staying quite near Blenheim Palace. In fact, we're near Blenheim Palace now. And that's where Hitler wanted to live.

53:45That was where Hitler. If Hitler had won, he wanted to live in Blenheim Palace. Now, we have not done... that fact goes around as though it's like that sort of surprising. Yeah. But like, you would want to live there, wouldn't you? But we have not done... I don't think we've done a podcast episode where we haven't brought up Hitler for some reason and I just wanted to keep that going yeah it's not an interesting fact but it does have Hitler in it I thought he'd be more London but more sort of Soho going around Soho in those army uniforms yeah well he's sort of a hipster isn't he those those leather shorts yeah those sort of well those big trousers that they wore those sort of horse trousers yeah that's right and I can imagine him just walking around Soho being like oh hello yeah like but like the Lederhosen, little moustache.

54:32He's basically a barista. Yeah. He's a barista. I wouldn't be surprised if there are people in Shoreditch that have the moustache and dress like Hitler and stuff because they think it's cool. They're being ironic. I've seen them. You've seen them? Yeah. Yeah. They look like Hitler on holiday. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. That sounds like a good idea for a film. yeah like you know the film The Holiday with Jude Law and Kate Winslet I've never seen it I know what it is yeah it looks so I don't know Hitler's got a little cottage in Austria and then Mussolini's got a townhouse right and they're both house sitting for the summer they just swap over Hitler meets Mussolini's sister then at New Year's Eve they all kiss and make up is that how we're going to end this podcast is that how we're ending I think that's how we come to the end that sounds like it guys I don't know about you but I'm all fact out I'm all fact out we hope that you guys have had a good time or have learnt something probably neither thank you very much

55:42but we will be back next week not here, not physically but on the internet we'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and creamy tats that's it That's it. Thank you very much for coming. Thank you guys. Bye. Thank you so much. Bye bye.

56:06Joe and James fight up.

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