Joe Thomas Flips His Lid

0:00The more you listen to your kids, the closer you'll be. So we asked kids, what do you want your parents to hear? I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at SoundItOutTogether.org. That's SoundItOutTogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal. This ad is sponsored by ZocDoc. Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call?

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1:14Instead of calling around or sitting on hold, I found a doctor on ZocDoc and booked an appointment in just a few minutes. It made the whole process so much less stressful. Now, taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today. That's ZocDoc, Z-O-C-D-O-C, and book that appointment on your to-do list. So you turned up, you're an hour late. Yeah. You've got your special comfy walking trainers on. Yeah. Now, what's happened is that I'm actually staying at my mom and dad's house. Right. Right. And my mum, who is a wonderful woman, who I adore. Oh, God. And is like, unfit as well.

1:58Let's do the joke. Oh, sexy. Yeah. Sexy. But she's not just sexy. No, intelligent as well. Intelligent as well. She's got it going up here as well as down there. So, look, let me carry on that by saying I adore her. She's a wonderful woman. She's a brilliant human being. And also, I mean, I think crucially, she's incredibly helpful with my daughter. Right. Just, I don't know. And I'm aware that she was got up early by my daughter this morning. Notwithstanding all that, my mum has this habit of not putting the lids back on jars properly. She just rests it on top of the jar, which to me is literally a booby trap.

2:38Because you pick the jar up by the lid and the fucking jar falls on the ground. I'm not saying you have to put the lid back on. Leave it off. Just leave it off. One or the other. One or the other. Yeah. So I was making myself some Marmite on toast. Yeah. I picked up the jar of Marmite, whoops, smashed down, straight on the ground, straight on the ground, picked up by the lid, jar smashed down. Then. What did you do next? What I did next was I decided to, I felt as though I had an itch on the inside of this foot. So I just scratched, you know when you scratch your feet together like that? Yeah.

3:14As I scratched it, I realized that I just pushed a bit. Actually, no, I didn't realize. I scratched it and I was like, oh, that hurts. And I realized that there was a bit of glass on my foot and I rubbed that. And actually it had gone in. Then I rubbed it again. And this time - Just to make sure. No, because I thought I'd get it off. I thought I'd like, you know, when you just get it in, I thought I'd just rub it off. Yeah. But because it was already quite far in, it just pushed it further in. So then I had this bit of glass on my foot and I had to literally be like, pull it out. Yeah. It really hurts.

3:45And then my little brother, he was there and he said, you need to be careful because you've got, there's marmite on the glass and marmite has got yeast in it. So it's a bacteria. So essentially what I've done is I've got some bacteria on a shard of glass, stabbed it into my foot, pulled it out and come here. so that's um i mean i've treated it as best i go it looks pretty um it's quite sort of battle of the somme under there like it looks it looks quite sort of like unfortunate grim like yeah i didn't i thought this war was going to be a laugh sort of thing um but i'm really it did hold me up done by christmas yeah i thought we'd done by christmas um which presumably you thought about this podcast recording i thought you thought we'd done by christmas um it's not going to be and um so yeah that's what's that's what's happened oh my but i'm really and i'm very very sorry i'm late but i do think that is and i'm hobbling around i can't really i see yeah i saw you hobbling i did i have actually i see it's a double tragedy because i've actually bought a new pair of i know that our our audience is primarily interested in whether my shoes are clean so they're over there they're in a bag they're their little axle arigato no i but i've I don't want to put my feet into them because it's going to hurt.

5:06I wanted you to wear the mum injury. You said wear these, yeah. These are knackered. Can I just get a pass on these? I think we can let you off this week. You're going to let me off, right? It's a foot injury. There's a huge foot injury. Basically, I'm just hoping that it doesn't get infected. Who's had all the penicillin? Oh, what's he called? He got knob rot off some tart. That's a crucial line. I can't remember. oh is it parkins or something yeah my parky sir he got an opera off some tart yeah yeah so i don't know i mean if i um do show signs of sepsis then obviously well it's a bit like you know last week you had your your laxative waiting to happen yeah and this week we're also waiting on something happening to me so we'll see what are the signs of sepsis you you go i don't think i'm gonna get i did i washed it out thoroughly and i applied some savlon which is you gotta get get Get it early, sepsis.

6:03Yeah, you can. Well, we'll finish the recording. We'll get the... I mean, this is more important. Then I'll drive back to my mum's and then if it's still alive, I'll deal with it then. Yeah. But yeah, no, it's... Who cleaned up the shards? I honestly don't know who cleaned them up. I think it was probably... All my brothers are at home at the moment. They're all at my parents' house. Did you carry on making the toast? No, I abandoned the toast. Right. I had the butter on it. Because there was nothing to beat. there was nothing there was no the itching of the foot is the is where you've gone wrong you've smashed the glass you've got you've smashed a glass all over you and you've gone oh my foot itches yeah yeah i know instead of reacting to what i know you should and then having known that i'd rubbed it in the first time i then thought i could get it off by rub by rubbing it again yeah and then i pushed it for them and um it's like i've got quite a bit of history of getting jagged things like just stuck in my body like i once got a massive splinter in my in my calf I guess and again I got it just from like brushing past with this kind of pine chest um uh it's again at my mum and dad's house and like I I just kind of walked past it and just sort of scraped past it and a huge bit just came off and was just in my leg I had to go to hospital on that occasion I mean maybe I should have gone to hospital today but I'm you should be fine what's going to happen what's going to happen Who cares, really?

7:33Who cares? Yeah. Who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? Just like, whatever. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, I'm 42. Well, that's it. I was on the phone to Boopy yesterday. No, it's not exactly 27. There's not a 42 club, is there? No. If you die at 42, people are like, whatever. I was on the phone to Boopy yesterday. I'm 40 next year. And I was just like, I think I'm going to get some health cover for the family. Yeah. Quite reasonable, I thought. Oh, okay. Got one of my children for free. Did you? Which was, I'm not a big, this isn't a booper sponsored. No, but if you... I just thought that was really good.

8:11I got one of my kids and I'm just thinking, like I woke up today. I mean, it doesn't start for another four days, actually. So I've told everyone in the house, don't get sick for the next four days. Masks on. But I might just rinse it with him. Yeah. I might just send him to the doctors every other week and just be like, this is all free. Well, if you're real, say that he's got it. And then... Then I'm really getting my money's worth. Well, no, so if you insure early, you get a good deal. Because they're like, well, you're fine. You're basically fine. To be fair... When you can't insure is when you're 98 years old.

8:44To be fair, I looked into health insurance and stuff years ago. Yeah. And it was like, oh, I've got to make a phone call. I'll leave it. I'll leave it. It's Revenge of the Nerds, again. It's like the people who are well-organized. everything's Revenge of the Nerds. It's like you can never get into a restaurant because we're all fully booked. Yeah. People booked weeks ago. Who's doing that? Yeah, I know, yeah. But yeah, they've... Yeah. Our holiday cost half as much as yours. We booked it two years ago. Yeah, well done. That was my mum. What a genuinely weird thing to do. My mum always used to book the holiday like way in advance and then pay it off throughout the year.

9:23It's just, it's hard because there's no anticipatory pleasure then. You have to basically book something when... I tried to do it one year. I tried to book something. I think I tried to book like the poshest restaurant. Like I think it was like a Gordon Ramsay restaurant or something. It had like three Michelin stars. And I tried to get up on the morning that bookings opened. It was almost like months in advance. Yeah. Did you not sort of go, have you ever seen, do you like the in-betweeners? No, I don't like doing that. Do you like the in-betweeners? i don't like doing that no i don't think i've ever done that i don't i wouldn't have the guts i did it as a joke once yeah that's why i don't do it i was trying to get a table tgi fridays in glasgow with claire and it was it was like rammed it was like lunchtime it was rammed and uh and i was just trying to wind claire up i was just trying to make her angry and they were going yeah you're about an hour waiting for a table i went do you like the in-betweeners and Claire just went stop she just grabbed me went no don't start that nonsense um I just don't think it would work what are they supposed to say yeah I'm a big fan of the in betweeners I can't but there are only so many yeah they're not gonna like drag people out but you do but I do I think I do assume there's a special yeah yeah that I'm not privy to I'm not in that club we've never been all us boys from the in between us we've never been let into the i don't know this celebrity club we're not we're not where they i don't know what what they all do they've all got stuff i remember i was chatting to someone before i had my first kid who's i won't mention any names but he's quite a big star and um and he quite very kindly he was talking to me about a job he wanted me to do some work with him yeah and he was reached out to me and it was i was like sort of blown away and he and then we just started talking about life and he's like how are you getting on i was like well i've got this kid turning up any any moment now and he was going yeah there's this great uh nanny service um i'll give you the number and um they're they're the go-to guys everyone goes to those to this to this um nanny child thing and i was just like um thanks uh but i knew at that point in my life like i wouldn't be able to afford it yeah no sometimes really really there are these things give you advice where they're like it's called gatekeeping that's what it's called there are these things yeah that people off the tv and stuff you're meant to you're meant to be aware of but i've never never been shown behind the curtain

12:11Hannah never locks her phone so it's constantly fucking calling people and occasionally it's like calling people where we're like well that's like that's quite a complex person to have called isn't it that's somebody with whom you know there's you can't just that's weird and I'm just not basically I'm not allowed to ask Hannah why she won't lock her phone she just won't lock her phone and when I say why don't you lock your phone I'm like just do that and she's like I don't know how to I don't know how to do that I don't know I'm like there's a button on the side there's a button on the side just shut up it doesn't I'm like it's just like what the fuck you're not allowed to mention it and it's the same with this jar thing like it's not my dad there is a chain reaction my dad lives with the problem and he just he just like it was literally like yeah you have to check the jars in this house don't put them up I was like bro defeated by it.

13:05Yeah. Just defeated by it. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, she does do that. I've just, I've just worked around it. You just need to learn to live with it. That's it. I honestly think there should be a sign on the door, like saying, dear guests, we don't put the jars on. Welcome to the Thomas house. The jars might be loose. Just before you come in. Jar lids might be loose. Yeah. If you don't want to get sepsis, just be aware that in this house, for reasons that you're, it's honestly, it's like it's some sort of touchy cultural taboo. Like I'm not allowed to bring it up. Yeah. No, no, we don't say that.

13:37We don't say that. When you were saying what? She doesn't put the lids on. That's that. All right? When you were saying, when you were confronting your mum about this, could you see your dad just backing out the room? Yeah, I know. He's, yeah, honestly, yeah. He's just, he's like, don't bring it up. Do not bring it up. Do not bring it up. It's a can of worms. It's toxic. It's toxic, is it? It's toxic. It's toxic. Don't go near it. Yeah. And I went to my mum, can we not just put that? And she was like, yeah, people are always saying that to me. and I'm like oh I'm sorry oh here we fucking go again with the jar lids oh the reason people are always saying it to you is because you haven't fucking stopped fucking doing it right I need to quickly mention something I just remembered I've got as I say I adore her she's a wonderful woman but that is madness Mrs Thomas you're wonderful and sexy and fit and sexy we've established yeah but also sepsisy there's a book called Shitty Break Oh, right.

14:31Yeah. Do you know about this? He did one in Chelmsford. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know about this? I've seen it around. He said that he'd bumped into you at some point. Yeah. I think, yes. Well, I think, has he bumped into me? He bumped into me. It's bad if he has and I can't remember. I think he might have reached out to me on Instagram. Bumped into me in London. I'm just going to shit at Instagram. Well, I'm now fulfilling this obligation that I've now got. All right. There's a book. I think his name is Ben. He gave me a note in the street. and said, I don't want to bother you, but I've got a book.

15:04Please let me know if you'd like a copy. I don't read books, but some bloke called Ben's written a book called Shitty Breaks. I know what it is, actually. He basically... It's a celebration of sort of... It's a sort of pun believable. Right. Because it's obviously city breaks. Yes. Yeah. I mean, maybe it's not... But it's talking about cities and towns that probably get overlooked, that are still special in their own way. Special in their own way. So don't be... Although it says... He's not really saying that. I think he's gone for that because it's a pun. Yes. Which is an instinct I understand.

15:39We appreciate. He's not really having a go at them. He's sort of saying, actually, you know what? It's quite interesting to go to, well, Chelmsford. Right. Like he's actually saying it's, you know, it actually does have quite a nice, interesting cathedral, for example. You wouldn't have thought that, you know, et cetera. I just know Chelmsford from growing up in Essex and it being, if it was going to be a birthday or a special night out with the lads. Yeah. Instead of going into Romford, you'd go into Chelmsford. Is that true? Because it was meant to be. Chelmsford's above Romford? It was when I was growing up.

16:19That's amazing. If you met someone from Chelmsford, you were like, oh, hello. Yeah. Oh. Sorry. But now I've learned that they don't put the fucking lids on the jars. No, it's a nightmare. Well, that's the thing. It's a very, it's like a thrilling, it's just like fantasy a clear. It's dangerous. Right. You might get poisoned, but at the same time, you know, what a rush. I mean, the main thing about Chelmsford is the hockey team. Yes, of course. Chelmsford Chiefs. Oh, and I've got news about that. Have you? Yeah, but I need to wait for something to arrive, and we can talk about that. Oh, okay. Dragged you into this nonsense as well.

17:02No, no, I love it. But yeah, so, well, yeah, so that's interesting. I mean, did you go to Duke's or Zeus? Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, that rings a bell. Zeus. I think I went to Chelmsford once. Big model of the god Zeus. Brilliant. Over the door, like holding up the ceiling. holding it up. And then Zeus was the kind of sort of the junior option, essentially. Like, you weren't 18. Try Zeus. Oh, you could go there. It was under 18s night. Yeah. Well, no, just they were a bit more lax. Yeah, no, you talk about it. And then at one point, I think they changed it to Duke's Genesis. Right. So I rebirth.

17:49Yeah, they're always rebranding clubs. I remember time in Romford and then I think it was time and envy I don't actually I can't remember the actual time and envy it was time then time and envy then just envy and then it turned into something else completely sort of themes aren't they? but I never had a what's your book about? well it's about time and envy maybe just envy but I used to go to pubs maybe just time actually I used to go to pubs and clubs and stuff before I was 18 and it was never a problem I think there was a government crackdown, which I think, I don't know if I should say this out loud, I think kids these days could possibly have, because they're so strict on ID.

18:34I get ID'd more since I turned 18 than I did before. yeah and i think um i think there's a possibility that kids might end up having an unhealthy relationship with alcohol because of it because it's like you turn 18 it's like fucking hell and then the doors open it's like well we can go mental now yeah i think i feel like so like one example if you were to contrast like um like france with the us like when i used to go to holiday go on holiday to france i think you could buy beer when you were 16 but you can buy spirits you're 18 and i feel like they have a more kind of it's socialized a little bit more yeah and in america it's mental you're not allowed it at all till you're 21 yeah or is it even higher in some but because of that like when you do find you get it you're like fucking hell quick quick quick get it into my body now get it in and it's just like well that's not really, as you say, a healthy relationship to alcohol.

19:35But I do, so sometimes when I do like cameo videos, like sometimes I do one for some guy who's turning 21 and they're celebrating in Florida. Or no, they're turning 20 and they're celebrating in Florida and I'm like, you can't even have a fucking drink on your birthday, mate. You fucked it. Why have you gone to America on your 20th birthday? Yeah, it does seem a bit high. It seems a bit high. It seems a bit high, but keep it legal and be safe. But yeah, well, so anyway, that's... Is it hurting? Are you in pain right now? It is hurting, yeah. Because it went in... I actually had a... This foot has a little cut.

20:18That's now fine. That's got a big plaster on it. That's okay. The one where I rubbed it in and then rubbed it in again, I could tell that it had gone through all the skin and had actually gone into the muscle of the foot. And I think that's why that one's still hurting. Yeah, probably. Yeah. You'll be all right. I think you'll be fine. How big's the... It's about a centimetre. Probably more like eight millimetres. Just under a centimetre. Just under a centimetre. It's probably all right. I'm just not a fan of this yeast thing. I don't want yeast in there. Yeah, the yeast thing's a bit of a worry, isn't it?

20:52Yeah. Because I've only just got over a yeast infection. I'm quite prone to it on my shoulders. Okay. I swear. But yeah, go and check out Shitty Breaks. Yeah. By someone, I think they're called Ben Aitken. Ben Aitken. Yeah. He also says that I'm a legend. Anything about me? Just that maybe the book's more for you. It does say that. Maybe one for Joe. Wow, there you go. Let us know if you buy a copy of Shitty Breaks. Yeah. Very nice. Joe and James. Joe and James. Joe and James. Joe and James.

21:34Welcome to Joe and James Fact Up, a podcast loosely based on facts. It's more about the chats. If you do want to get in touch with us, our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330, or you can message us on socials at joeandjamespod. Maybe let us know if you've ever got Marmite. Yeah. Has anyone ever got any kind of poisoning from the bacteria that's in the yeast in Marmite? Just let me know. Let me know soon, actually, because it'll be too late by the time you hear this. Yeah, you'll be gone, won't you? I just want my face. I won't mind if I get my face on the back of a jar of Marmite.

22:14Like on a cigarette packet where they have literally the dead guy. Well, it'd be a picture of your foot, wouldn't it? A picture of my foot. It's not too late to stop. You can watch all our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts. Just search for Joe and James Facts Up. Now, let's get fact up.

22:37The more you listen to your kids, the closer you'll be. So we asked kids, what do you want your parents to hear? I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at SoundItOutTogether.org. That's SoundItOutTogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal. Hi, who here loves when their nails are perfectly done? Me, I'm Sarah Gibson Tuttle, and I started Olive in June because let's be real, we all deserve to have gorgeous nails, but who wants to spend a fortune or half their day at the salon?

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24:03You're all set for a nail glow up. Let's get those nails looking fabulous, shall we? This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. But we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation.

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25:08okay you've been sending in some real fact up stuff for us to discuss uh and this is a story that's been subtitled theft um and it's a story from chris and um and here it is being the youngest in my office at a 10 to 36 the radio station of choice is radio 2 okay that's sort of a barber's favourite Radio 2. It's like I quite like Radio 2. Well, I'm quite old. I only half listened to it, so I'm not sure what the segment is. But on the Vernon Kay show, he often throws to a woman who presents him with a fact. Here are three facts I've heard this week. Giraffes have the same number of neck bones as humans.

25:48Okay, fair enough. So a few people are talking about this one. It must be quite a common conversational piece, I thought to myself. A day or so later, I hear a day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus. Right. This aroused my suspicions, but again I just thought, hmm, must just be a coincidence. I see now. However, today's fact was VW sells more sausages than anything else. Well, that's unbelievable. Yeah. This was the last straw for me. I think you need to open a Spygate-style investigation on the Radio 2 researchers because we are getting into plagiarism territory here surely. Well, yeah, just a bit.

26:24Or maybe Vernon Kay is just a massive fan of the world up. which you know that's okay as well well yeah of course um and then he's put dog shit pod five stars yeah that's a good that's absolutely fair well the vw one is i need names i want to know who this mysterious woman is yeah then we find out her name yeah and then we start doing a little wagatha christie yeah style things where we just give her no one else some is going to take i'm I'm not sure how we're going to do it, but we just give her misinformation. We just give her a fact that's definitely not true so that we know that she's heard it.

26:59Then we sit around. Well, if we're trying to make it stand out, would you give her a fact that she is true? No, no, because I want to make her look foolish as well. This woman, a woman. Yeah. Nothing wrong with them, but we need to catch her. We need to catch her with her pants down. I would say the Sausage VW one, that's the... Well, when they said about the giraffe thing, I was like, oh, yeah, we were talking about something similar. Yeah, what's funny is in that one, I'd just forgotten. I was like, yeah, it's fine. Yeah. No, but we were... As soon as I heard the giraffe with the neck bone thing, I was like, oh, yeah, no.

27:37Can I say the Wagatha Christie thing was funny because obviously that's a brilliant pun or whatever. That's unbelievable, yeah. Yeah, Wagatha Christie. It's an incredible coinage. but like it it was used as like the like newsreaders were going the wag of the christy trial wrapped up today yeah it's weird that's not what it's called yeah you can't there has to be some it's weird when serious people start to start getting on the bandwagon with silly shit we've got a message from daniel who uh via the fact up form his message is subtitled mushrooms um here it is Daniel from Los Angeles here. Love the pod.

28:17I wanted to share this with you. If eaten raw or undercooked, the lanmau... Lanmau? Lanmoa? Lanmoa. Or lanmau? Asica. My first instinct was lanmau. The lanmau... Asiatica. Asiatica mushroom can cause lili... Lilliputian. Lilliputian. Yeah, Lilliputian. Daniel, you're fucking killing me here, mate. uh hallucinations where people see hundreds maybe thousands of tiny two-inch humanoids the mushroom creates a wildly specific and consistent effect across different people with over 90 of those affected affected reporting miniature figures like gnomes elves or clowns climbing furniture marching and interacting with the environment marching recent studies have sequenced its genome but still haven't identified the exact chemical pathway causing these visions leaving scientists entirely puzzled by its neurological effects um lilliputian hallucinations the term is named after the tiny inhabitants of the island of lily put in the classic novel gallicard's troubles yeah i love that story gallicard's There used to be, I don't know whether it was the BBC or ITV in the 90s, around Easter, it was like a three-part Gulliver's Travels thing.

29:44And it used to come on sort of every Easter or every Christmas or something like that. And it was brilliant. It was well good. Yeah. I remember that. I used to love it when that came on the TV. But it sounds very... Is it... well if you're gonna interrupt me joe you need to fucking have your sentence ready all right the guy from cheers plays gulliver no it looks like him no uh i'm dev it's not dan what's his name he's in curb as well yeah of course he is he's one of the most famous people on the planet oh joe oh he was in that film with macaulay culkin as well where he plays the bad dad and he is a bad dad, isn't it?

30:26He's literally a bank robber. Oh, no. Oh, he was going out with Whoopi Goldberg.

30:35Cheers. He was Becca. Fucking hell. Why can't I remember this guy's name, Joe? The star of Cheers, guys. And you lot are useless as well. You want to get out of the house? It was Joe Patrick. No. Oh, fucking hell. No. Ted Danson. Ted Danson, thank you. Oh, my God. That was awful. You had Dan. Yeah. I knew there was a Dan in there somewhere. That's unbelievable. It took me quicker than how many people were in this room. They've all got laptops in front of them. Let me down there, guys. I was there with my cock out, swinging in the breeze. that's um that's an amazing amazing thing um but it reminds me of um i read um slash's autobiography which is well good by the way yeah and um he was i don't know if you know much about slash but he's a rock and roll star is he that he's the guitarist in um guns and roses yeah yeah and he used to take some drugs yeah and um his drug of choice was speed balls which is the thing that killed Belushi.

31:50Is it crack mixed with heroin? Is that right? Yeah. It's sort of a vodka Red Bull, isn't it? It's sort of like that, yeah. It's an upper and a downer. But he used to do these speedballs and he used to hallucinate tiny little aliens from Predator. The Predator aliens. You know the ones in those sort of armour and they sort of disappear and stuff. He used to hallucinate these tiny little predators running around him. That's incredible. Sort of reminds me of that. I mean, this is just, yeah. He's... So what are the aliens in Predator? Sorry. Yeah, you know... Oh, I know, the little... Yeah, the Predator.

32:31Yeah. You know, they're from another planet. Have you seen Predator? No, I've never seen Predator. Oh, you've got to see Predator, man. That is classic Schwarzenegger. Yeah. He says his famous line in it, I'll come back. I've been doing that to Claire recently. It's been really annoying. She didn't have her keys and I was at the front door. So if you say a really famous movie quote, slightly wrong. It really annoys people. It's been getting on Claire's nerves. I opened the front door and I just went, You will not pass! She was going, It shall not pass. You know that. You're just trying to annoy me.

33:17So that's a good little tip. If you want to annoy your significant other or someone that you live with or something like that, just take a really famous movie quote. My mate once said, and he did genuinely get this wrong, he was wearing a suit for an occasion and he walked into the room and he went, the name is James, James Bond. That infuriated me. Oh, that is good. It's just a bit more informal, isn't it? name's james name's james james bond yeah james here is bond um yeah i mean thanks for those messages guys i mean i just the literature one that's that's just um but i've seen that thing as well and it's not ted danson it's not ted danson the thing about girl of his travels is that it's like it kind of gets weirder and weirder and the lily pup bit is one of the early worlds he goes to and then it ends oh it is ted danson sorry talking bollocks it is ted danson yeah you were because i was like no it's someone that really looks like ted danson well it is and yeah turns out it is ted danson yeah yeah no that's brilliant that yeah and then he gets all tied up and stuff and they're yeah that's right and he and he wheeze on a on a fire to put it out right it's only two episodes i thought it was like a three-part or something it was a film um But yeah, came out in 1996.

34:41Lemuel Gulliver. That's his first name, Lemuel. Lemuel. Lemuel Gulliver. Gotta bring names like that back. It's a good name. Yeah. Lemuel. Cornelius. It's a shame they're dying out. Adolf.

35:02Lucifer. Why are these names? Judas. Yeah. Right. Should we move on to fact check, Joe? Yeah, yeah. It is time. It's time for fact check. Strap yourselves in. This is where we read a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of. Then we're going to have a think during the break and we'll come back and let you know how true it feels to us to decide whether it passes our fact check. I hate that that next bit of that sentence is on the next page. It fucks me every time I read this. go on Joe I think you've got this week's fact check okay so this week's fact check comes from Chris Chris second Chris of the episode is that right yeah not a problem no not at all not a problem no a bit high two Chris's already but okay he and who says my wife works for the NHS and was recently on a training course during said course she was told that during the times of old that when a human underwent an operation I love how this is written I like times of old that covers that covers you when a human underwent an operation the medical professionals performing it always had a live sheep on hand apparently the sheep was on standby in case a blood transfusion was needed so if the patient lost too much blood they just restocked their veins with blood of a sheep can't be right can it can't be asked for the research in we're going to get on the case and we'll be back with the facts oh that's me we're going to get on the case and we'll be back with a fact stat

36:35right we're having a break yeah do you need no i don't need anything no well i don't think my foot might be bleeding into my shoe but we'll um check it no i don't want to check it i'm sure it's fine well it doesn't feel fine but i don't want to

36:52the more you listen to your kids the closer you'll be so we asked kids what do you want your parents to hear. I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at soundedouttogether.org. That's soundedouttogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal. This ad is sponsored by ZocDoc. Hi, it's Danny Pellegrino from Everything Iconic. Have you been putting off that annual doctor's appointment because you don't want to make the call.

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39:29Welcome back to Joe and James Fact Up. We were just fact checking on behalf of Chris, who wanted to know, in times of old, when someone underwent an operation, would there be a live sheep on hand? Now, I am going to say, I'm just going to come straight out and say that is not fact. I don't think you could put the blood of a sheep into the blood of a human. No, because they'd still do it now. Yeah. You have to donate blood. That's the only way you get blood, I think, is when humans donate it. I should donate blood. I keep getting stupid tattoos, though, every now and again. You're not allowed to donate blood if you've had a tattoo within the last year or, I don't know, six months or something like that.

40:17It used to be the rule. I might be wrong. it's a good thing to do to give blood my mum did it for years she used to get sort of like Alcoholics Anonymous chips or like badges or something she used to get some sort of thing you've given blood five years now it is a really useful thing to do what's your position on organ donation I think you should opt out of it yeah i think if you don't want to donate organs then you should sign something and say look when i die i don't really want to donate my organs which is absolutely fine personal preference totally up to you but if you've not specifically said i think i am an organ donor i think i signed something i think i am as well driver's license or something like that i think on my old insurance i was but i don't know whether it i think life insurance you do something when you do it and then i think i've got new life insurance now i can't remember what i did i think i might have said like not the eyes?

41:19Loads of people say that. Because it's just weird, isn't it? What's the difference? My right eye's fucked. I don't want that. I know. I need another one now. If you can donate an eye to someone after you don't need it. You know what? I'm going to untick that. I'm going to say you can have the eye. What do I care? But lots of people do say that. No, like, oh, everything's fine apart from the eyes. I've got to keep my eyes. What about the penis? No one's going to want that off me. No, no, it's not. I don't want mine. Oh, God. Yeah, this sheep thing is nonsense, isn't it? It's got to be. As if a sheep...

41:49And also, so are the sheep going to be going mental, running around? I also think that there's this sort of... It's not the same blood. Especially... Kill it beforehand as well. I mean, I know... Oh, right, sorry. That's a horrible thing to say. But like, they wouldn't have... They were not squeamish about animals in the past. Well, I suppose, to be fair... No, I'm taking that back because obviously the blood would go off. Like, you'd need to kill it there and then. Yeah. okay you know what i'm changing it again they did do it but it wasn't helpful do you reckon because i think there's a real misconception about um people in days of yore what was it days of old days of old in times of old i think in times of old especially sort of the dark ages especially the middle ages where we look back now we're like god they were all idiots we think they with stupid i know this is the classic thing we do yeah it's called they were only more they were only as intelligent as we are now exactly quite it's just we've discovered more stuff at this right and actually within within history um that tendency i think is part of what people would refer to as wig history which is the style of history lampooned in the quite funny and old now book 1066 and all that where you basically treat history as though it's all leading up to now and everything's now right and it's like in the past they were silly and they didn't realize but now we realize and now we finished yeah and i think it's sort of part of that yeah way of i don't think they i don't think they were even stupid enough to go i don't get me wrong i'm sure it was tried out once and i think they went right no that didn't work and also you'd say if you're doing kind of pros and cons of having a live sheep in the operating theater you need quite a lot of pros to outweigh the absolute annoyance yeah of a sheep and they did yeah yeah yeah that would put you off your surgery if you're the doctor you need wool fine do you know what i had to look up the other day um something came up on my instagram a bloke shearing a sheep yeah and i was like i was actually quite interesting and then i and then i was like how did they because they need to be sheared yes otherwise they would yeah they overheat yeah they'll get in all sorts of problems there was a sheep in australia that they found that hadn't been sheared i think i saw that for four years or something it looks thoroughly miserable apparently it had 50 kilograms of wool on it.

44:33But then I Googled, how did sheep shear themselves before they were domesticated? Turns out that they're bred. Okay. So we give them a problem and sell them the solution. They were bred that way. Sheep in the wild never really grew that much wool. It wasn't really a problem. them yeah um we have bred them a bit haven't we but like those those mental dogs that keep killing people and it's like well yeah why have you bred them i don't know man listen i've got dogs and i've got big dogs i suppose larger dogs i had a rottweiler for a bit yeah i've got a staffordshire bull terrier now yeah but i'm talking about the ones that are like i'm talking about the xl bullets if it's got xl in the word in the name well that's a bit but this is also what the media likes to do as well i hate this sort of stuff um hippie crack it's just a balloon for night the stuff it is called an xl bully isn't it isn't that the name of that i don't know i don't know if it's something that that's been projected okay well maybe i'm but hippie cracks one of them that the that the um the press love oh he was he was caught doing hippie crack which i think is just nitrogen that you get at a dentist or something.

45:49Is it? But they call it hippie crack. Yeah. So you think, oh, it's some skinny bloke in a shop doorway just fucking throwing up on himself or something. Yeah. And they also say zombie knives. Well, yes. There was a teenager caught with a zombie knife. What's a zombie knife? It's a big knife. It's a knife, yeah. What's it got to do with zombies? I don't know. If we can use the word zombie, it'd be more provocative, wouldn't it? Yeah. Well, yeah, maybe I've... I do have a theory. Maybe I've been taken in. I do have a theory. I'm a dog person. Yeah. And I do have a theory. I do have a theory that...

46:25I don't know. I just feel like dogs are bred to be aggressive. Well, I think... I do genuinely think that there will be some dogs that maybe are just a bit mental, right? Yeah. Right? And there's not much you can do about that. But I do think it's not the dogs. Yeah. I think it's really really hard to bring up an aggressive dog because like I said I've had big dogs I've had dogs that are bred I would have thought most animals in the wild they're not going to waste energy even something that's obviously dangerous like a lion it's not really it's not like a cunt is it it is it needs to eat so it'll hunt and it will use I imagine the minimum amount of energy to hunt and then it'll eat and it'll be happy Yes, I assume these are dogs that are being kicked or kind of mistreated.

47:16I always like the analogy of if a lion attacks you, which I think rarely happens. If a lion attacks you, if you're out in the African plain and a lion attacks you, it's the same sort of thing. Because I feel like they're villainized then. It's like, oh, it was a lion attack. It's the same sort of thing if you were in the ocean in a shark attack you. it's like you were there you were there the lion was just where it's supposed to be we do treat the predator animals as though they're like baddies and it's like well they're just trying to eat anyway what were we talking about I don't think they always had a live sheep on hand I can understand why it might be live because they couldn't keep blood you can use And they frown on killing a human so you can get fresh blood.

48:12You can use coconut water as plasma. Isn't that just... I think that's from Gervais. That's Gervais, isn't it? Yeah. But why would you ever just need plasma? Well, no, you do. You famously do. Yeah. I mean, I don't, but some do. Okay, so I don't think that's... That doesn't seem true because I don't think... Some like it, some don't. Yeah. You know. Yeah, I can do. Some like it, some don't. Some girls like it, some don't. it wouldn't work because even another human's blood doesn't work if it's not the same time. They probably did know that relatively early. And I doubt that they ever really thought that a sheep's blood would work.

48:53And if they thought it would, it'd be obvious after a while. I think if you've got O negative, then you've got very special blood. Yeah. And you should donate it. Donate it at once. Because O negative can go in anyone. Oh, is that true? Yeah. Oh, wow. Because, you know, I've been watching ER a lot recently. Yes, you haven't. Because they're always like, right, give me two bags of Oneg. There'll be someone coming in. They'll be like, give me two bags of Oneg now. And I was like, how do they know their blood type already? So then I Googled it again. Yeah. Don't watch anything with me, ever. Because it will be constantly me pausing something to find out what that means.

49:31Well, yeah, I mean, often the TV show is now just a jumping off point for like some internet rabbit hole. I mean, I've, you know, I have to try and hold myself back from doing that as well. Shall we find out? Is there any truth to the sheep thing? So apparently in the 17th century in France and in the Royal Society in England, they experimented. You know what the French are. They experimented. Yeah. Okay. But it was a rare experimental procedure trying to transfer human blood into, animal blood into humans. The French are dirty. Yeah. So those dirty buggers, they did it, but they do all sorts, don't they?

50:07The French are well unlucky with the preconception of a smelly Frenchman. Yeah, I know. They're very sort of well scrubbed. And also they're neat. Also they're cowards and they surrender. Yeah. I think they had a tough start of the century last century. but before that yeah nobody has won more battles yeah than the French and it's also just because like England France it's like it's the derby isn't it it's basically it's like I just wish it wasn't like that I love it they're our closest neighbours they're our closest neighbours they're nice yeah it's ridiculous it's because it's the centuries of fighting over the same bits of land and like him with the 8th sort of trying to take back Calais or whatever anyway we're all we're French aren't we we are really yeah After the normal invasions and stuff.

51:01Yeah. Yeah. Well, we've done this. Battle of Hastings Day. Absolutely. Of course. You know, we celebrate it. Yeah. We literally celebrate it. So who are we now? Yeah. But, you know, yeah, they came over. It's like, because the French don't celebrate it, which is weird. It's like Thanksgiving in America. Oh, okay. So America loves to celebrate Thanksgiving. Yeah. In many cases. Yeah. From what I've been told, they celebrate that more than they do Christmas. Yeah. It's a bigger day in the calendar than Christmas is. I've heard that as well. But it's the English Puritans, isn't it, that landed safely.

51:40It's the celebration. Yeah, it's the celebration of like... So shouldn't we celebrate Thanksgiving? Yeah. Well, they were English. You know, they were... And when the American Revolution started, they were insisting on their rights as like freeborn Englishmen. when did that buckle hat go out of fashion do you think? The Puritan hat? Yeah When the Puritans sort of Cromwellian Yeah they were that is what they were Cromwell wasn't pure enough for them they were like you know even though he took it way too far and he banned any kind of fun or any kind of enjoyment Well they probably would have quite liked it if Cromwell by the time oh hang on, when did they leave?

52:24They did leave about the same time, didn't they? I think so, yeah. I think they were like, nah, this Cromwell, he's a soft touch. Yeah, yeah. Even though he was nuts. Well, if you go, I mean, yeah, he was, yeah, he was a lot. And then who was next? Charles turned up. Charles came back. Charles I. No, Charles II. Charles II, yeah. Goodness me. Charles I was beheaded, right? He was beheaded. And that was what started the Civil War. Well, no, it started the Civil War. It was in the middle of the Civil War. What's the stupid point of this war, by the way? Because I think Cromwell was, Cromwell was like, right, we don't want to do we don't have it muck about with this monarchy nonsense anymore yeah and then he sort of was like lord protectorate or whatever it was no they turned out essentially yeah he became a king yeah yeah and then after eight years of him everyone just went oh should we get yeah should we get charles from yeah he died and then he had a son called i think richard cromwell and he was just yeah he wasn't as good dick cromwell dick cromwell yeah it was that yeah didn't help but after all that they like the country just went oh we better get yeah we better get charles back from holland yeah and then he was like let's have a fucking party yeah the merry monarch yeah theater yeah it all came back comedy yeah comedy was banned under cromwell yeah it was literally like not allowed to laugh laughing is against the law yeah i mean yeah i I think people with very kind of totalizing ideologies don't like comedy.

53:57Because comedy is always like the, it's always pointing out the inconsistency or the part where reality departs from the ideology. I think. You couldn't even walk, couldn't even leave the house on a Sunday unless you were going to church and they'd have people going about, bouncers going around going, what are you doing? And if you weren't like, oh i'm just there was a i'm just on my way back from church they'll be like you get nicked there was a there was a kind of a calvinist sort of i don't know leader who i don't know what was it the mayor of a town that was like calvinist was was like that was punished for dancing his own wedding something like that right yeah i don't yeah it is weird it's just like who was the king that nicked all the money and just took all the money from the treasury i think it was after Charles it might have been Charles I well they always were taking all the money because they were getting into wars and wars are really supposed to it's always war whenever there's big change it's always war it's always the it's always the whoever's in charge has overspent on a war and then they need to raise taxes and they need to raise taxes further than people want to raise and then the king's not allowed to raise taxes that was the problem only parliament can raise taxes well yes exactly he has to get it through parliament I can't remember whether it was Charles I or whether it was a little bit later.

55:22I think it was basically... Well, Charles I definitely had that problem. He kept from getting into wars and he kept on having to call... Because Parliament wasn't a sitting Parliament. You had to literally call it. It was like you had to invite everyone round. Yeah. And everyone literally came to London from all different places. And they all sat down and he said, can I have some more money? And they'd go, no, or sometimes yes. Yeah. And then he would sometimes use a little bit like the difference between executive power and stuff that you have to do through passing laws in America. He would be like, well, what can I do without using parliament?

55:53And there was a thing called ship money that he was allowed to do, which is a bit like the executive orders in America. When was the East India Company? Later. Later. So there was a king around that. Sure, that was later. Yeah, there was a king around that time that needed some money. He dissolved parliament or whatever for about eight years or something like that. And he couldn't raise taxes. So he took it from the East India Company. Might have been one of the Stuarts or something like that. I don't know. It would have been... Or Georgian. It probably was one of the Georges. But it was this king that this old parliament needed money, so just took the money from the treasury and then, for some weird reason, took all the pepper from the East India Company.

56:39Yeah. Just took pepper. Don't take the pepper. No. That is pointless. Yeah. Because now no one's got any pepper. It was true. And you don't need that. How much pepper does a man need? It was around the same time as the South Sea. When how much pepper is enough? South Sea bubble thing. Oh, what was that? It was this fake company. Yeah. This is a whole discussion. Tulip mania as well. That was another one. Yeah, the tulip mania. A tulip, like a single bowl was more than like a house on the waterfront in Amsterdam. Yeah. People were trading tulip bowls like stocks and shares and stuff. They were like those, like what, like what, like what are those things?

57:16Like meme coins or something. It's exactly like, it was like, you know, it's worthless. There's a thing on, there's a thing that's traded. That's like non fungible tokens. It's like the absolute purest version of that was like, everyone knows it's worthless, but everybody knows that you might be able to sell it to someone else. Cause they think they can sell it to someone else. Yeah. And it feels like a vision of hell as far as I'm concerned, but it is some people like it history is funny some girls like it some don't some don't yeah history is mental isn't it hey here's a quick one what's that anyway I don't know sheep yeah we oh I swear we had it I think we were right it happened once yeah in France once in the Royal Society once in France they went that proved nothing yeah didn't work why are we still going on about it it did not work where are we leave those sheep alone put them back in the field Sheeran once a year.

58:10Right, before we go, Joe, before we wrap this up. I've got my fact. Oh, fuck. Well, let me do it. Okay? Okay. It's another animal fact. There are no vertebrates that cannot be seen with the naked eye. If you're a vertebrate, you are visible to the naked eye. Right. Invertebrates, you know, you're off to the races. You could be as invisible to the naked eye as you like. But every vertebrate can be seen with the naked eye. Just thought it was a nice... I'm reading a book called A Very Short History of the Earth by Henry G, I think. And it's also my thing about the ring. Mr. G? It's Mr. G. Yeah. Yeah, it's Mr.

58:55G the musical. It's the script of Mr. G the musical. No, what was his name? Hillary. Helen. Helen, that's it. The male Helen. The masculine Greek. Yeah, it's like the Greek Helen. And he's on a warm-up. Pants pretty high in those days. That was the start. That was the fashion. Fucking brilliant. Do you remember when none of us knew our lives for the in-betweeners, but we knew the entire script of Summer Heights High? Oh yeah, just watch Summer Heights High. It's unbelievable. So I just thought, so I'm working my way through and we're going through, we've been through, you know, the earth is all covered in, whatever it's covered in.

59:25And then now I'm into kind of the squishy life forms and it's just beginning to be, and the backbone is basically there so that you can evade something that might want to eat you. essentially. So it begins essentially a tail. And the first backbone is sort of like, if you imagine a worm that kind of forms a sort of little S shape and then kind of does a kind of sort of springs itself along. That's sort of the backbone. But once you've got a backbone, I think to some extent there's no point being small anymore because you're trying to not get eaten. Well, what's interesting is the backbone is there to help you evade, to run away, right?

1:00:04yeah whereas when you people say people say they've got no backbone and i'd go well i have actually yeah because the backbone is to help me for this very reason that is and that's what i'm going to say next time a bigger guy tries it on with me that's actually a that's actually a superb point and if you do meet um you know a big tough guy yeah what they really like is you coming up with a reason that's sort of to do with etymology and like sort of like the roots of words um so that'll get you off the hook for sure i've never thought about that um so anyway there you go it's a good one do you like that i like that yeah and i say it's a good book and it's it's really nice hearing all this funny squishy stuff that was in the oceans and um how it gradually turns from you know almost literally like a bacteria to a cell to a multi-celled yeah um so i'm at the backbone now and there are now things that are you know getting up towards a meter in length in some cases still all in the ocean and well let's know next week yeah absolutely there you go and before that was a good fact thank you and before we go there's a thought from lucy by the fact up form and lucy says just wanted to suggest that you call the euros version of the world up Europe Europe it's good it's sort of a bit like Pumble it be like next contestant Europe and Europe and it's Europe when I was at school are many people asking for the world up to come back well Europeans are because they're I mean it'll get hard to generate excitement for the world because that's four years time but like the Euros I imagine we could do the cope up America yeah we could do that we could do the cope up america what was what's the african one african i just call it the afcon yeah i just call it the um african euros i feel it's really singing now i hope it's not bleeding right i'll say goodbye and then we'll check out what's going on with joe's foot um i'm all fact out joe what have we learned today what have we learned um don't put blood the sheep's blood in your body um don't Don't take the mushroom unless you want to see a troop of marching clowns.

1:02:24Yeah. Don't put a yeasty glass in your foot. Yeah, above all, don't. Put the fucking lid back on a jar of marmite. That's what we've learned. Right, that's what we've learned. If you take away one thing from this episode, put your lids back on your jars. Totally off or totally on is fine. Right. It really stings. so we'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and ovine mishaps very nice, is ovine sheep? must be bovine is beef isn't it? or cow what's the thing that comes from is it lanolin comes from sheep's wool don't forget you can get in touch with us don't know, don't care don't forget you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact chat something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you'd like to get to us.

1:03:16Our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. And you can follow us on social media at joandjamespod and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details. Hello? Hello. Hello. Bye. Bye. Yes. Good. Good.

1:03:48The more you listen to your kids, the closer you'll be. So we asked kids, what do you want your parents to hear? I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at SoundItOutTogether.org. That's SoundItOutTogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal. Back to school is busy enough. The last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder. Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place.

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