Kids Don’t Give a F***

0:00Finding the right size rug can be hard. Enter Ernesta. Designer-quality, custom-sized rugs cut to the exact size of your room and delivered in as little as two weeks. Not sure of the size or the material? Start with five samples for just$10 today to see them in your own light and match to your decor. Plus, get$50 toward any rug of your choice. Visit Ernesta.com today. That's E-R-N-E-S-T-A dot com. Evening. Buyer's remorse. Buy a new car? I'll be moving in. Let's get started. Uh, sorry, I think there's been a mistake. I bought it from Carvana. You what? Yeah, great price. I even have seven days to love it or return it.

0:42So there's no... No, no buyer's remorse. More like buyer's rejoice? I guess I'll let myself out. Congratulations. I mean it. Buyer's rejoice. Buy your car today on Carvana. Limitations and exclusions may apply. See our seven-day return policy at Carvana.com. I think about the lawn again. What's up with the lawn? Just man height dandelions. Right. Good thing to do to your kids. Yeah. Because you know they love blowing the dandelions. You should go, right, give this a good blow. So when they go, you put it in the mouth. Oh, no. Oh, my goodness. What's the one with the egg where you go, when you're about you do baking with your kids and you go to crack the egg and then just as you're about to crack it you just put it on their forehead yeah no that's one that's something like that's hard boiled eggs and you sneak in a normal one or something oh it might yes maybe maybe i mean you can just hit your kids with eggs that's the good thing about kids they're much smaller than you one of the things i was most grateful to um my daughter for when she was smaller was that when I got her up in the morning, she just, I could just fart as much as I wanted around her.

1:55She just didn't give a shit. Yeah. I could just, I could just be like, I'm quite farty and I have coffee and it makes me very farty. She does not care. She does not give a fuck. Actually, here's a fact. So my daughter, there was a night, a couple of nights ago when she did two farts and both Both of them were so smelly, they literally woke me up. Right. It was also this night where it was really, really hot, so we had the fan going. I think there's something about temperature that can make the fart more deadly. It was honestly horrendous. I think it's about the heat of the air around the fart that maybe keeps it contained.

2:44But the fan was blowing the fart into my face. I did that the other night it's been very warm here we've had me and Claire each have a fan on each side of our bed because that was a fight for a while over one fan well you had it over your side last night so I was like do you know what I'm going to get another fan have you got a panning fan it's a tower we've got a tower as well so we've got two towers on either side of the bed at the moment and I couldn't help myself. I farted into the back of the fan so that it just got sucked up. It just went straight into the face. It got sucked up, cooled down.

3:31Oh, my God. The thing that annoyed her about it was because I farted into the fan, which blew it into her. But on the other side of the bed was another fan blowing back to her. So it can't go away. She was like, it's just blowing, it's just coming at me from all directions. She was like that place where the two seas meet and they go. Yeah. Where's that place, Joe? North Denmark. Right. The, what would it be? It's the Baltic Sea and the North Sea, I think. Is that right? Could have been there twice for some reason. One of the few places in my life I've been twice, apart from the zoo. But it's the, if you want to find me, I'll either be at the zoo or be at the place where the Baltic Sea and the North Sea meet.

4:12Well, you'll be at the zoo, right? I'll be at the zoo. And then if you go to the zoo and you go, Jesus, he's not here, he'll be where the seas meet. Exactly. Exactly. 99.9 % of the time he'll be at the zoo. If he's not there, he's where the Baltic meets the North Sea. Check both. Do, yeah. Before you go ringing. Do check the zoo first. Check the zoo first. But before you go reporting me missing, check the zoo. Check where the zoo sees meet. What happens when boats go to that bit? Do they just sort of go, oh, we want to go this way? I don't really know. Yeah. I suppose they sort of power through or something.

4:50It does remind me a little bit of the Rapids ride I got stuck in as a kid. I had to be fished out. What? You've never told me this? Well, it was a traumatic experience. It was mostly traumatic because I was a bit too old, really, to be rescued from a swimming pool. But I went to the Rapids ride at Colchester World of Adventures in the water or something. Chester. Colchester. Colchester. Colchester World of Adventures? No, it was a swimming pool. Right. Leisure World. Colchester. No, hang on. World of Adventures. Chessington. That's Chessington. It wasn't that. No, this is a swimming pool. Look, it's a municipal swimming pool.

5:20If there was a Colchester World of Adventures, I'd be, if I was Chessington's lawyers, I'd be going, hang on. Had to be fished out of there. Yeah. Well, they do just get you a big stick. It was really embarrassing. I was just going, help, help. And also I was relatively old. I can imagine you would go Route 1. I was like, I'm just kidding. I'm in trouble. I need help. What should I shout right now? Help. I think I'd go with hello. I don't know why. I'd go, hello. Hello. All right. I'm stuck. Hi. Hi. Hello, I'm stuck. Hello, I'm stuck. Yeah. Help. Help. Yeah. I was just saying help. Help, help.

6:05Penelope Pitstop. What's that? Oh, she just said help a lot. I'm sure she did. who's Penelope Pitstop oh shut up I don't know is she in Postman Powell she was in Wacky Races oh okay I never really understood Wacky Races is it was it always the same episode like they have a race here we go so let me tell you something about Wacky Races yeah I used to watch Wacky Races a lot as a kid I used to like Wacky Races that was one of the ones I looked forward to obviously they they made them in like the 60s or something I think they made 10 episodes yeah And they just replayed that for the next 50 years.

6:44Because it is just quite limited as an idea. You can't have any character progression. Where can you go? They can't even talk to each other. They're just all in cars. Yeah. And I think Catch the Pigeon came before Wacky Races or Stop the Pigeon. What was it called? Again. Catch the Pigeon. Catch the Pigeon. These are like Looney Tunes. You know Muttley and Dick Dastardly? I know them, yeah. Hanna-Barbera. Yeah. What was you doing? I don't know. They were on. I just... You just were like, nonsense. No, I didn't even know. Nonsense, mother. No, I liked... It was like a toddler drinking coffee just going, get this off the television.

7:21No, I liked... I think some of them I found a bit scary. I never liked Scooby-Doo. I didn't like Scooby-Doo. I always thought it was boring. You know why I didn't like Scooby-Doo is I couldn't work out whether they were good or bad. I wanted moral clarity. The idea that they were cowards. I was like, well, am I supposed to be rooting for them or not? They just seemed like they're a bunch of losers. Like, I was honestly like a young Trump being like, why would I root for losers? I like people who win. Right. That was genuinely my opinion of Scooby-Doo. I was like, well, they're just a bunch of wasters.

7:56Maybe they deserve to get caught in the haunted mansion. Yeah, and stoners. Stoners. I was really, I was like, they're just stoners. I always want a Scooby snack. Yeah, they're always running away. and their legs run like windmills which is weird yeah and the background is always the same constantly exactly they run away from somewhere you see you see the same grandfather clock whizzing past four or five times yeah no but i wanted moral clarity i was like you know the cat's bad the mouse is good scooby-doo and they were actually i mean scooby-doo is a more sophisticated program because actually they are more like, this is why people like villains, right?

8:34The reason no one like, everyone always prefers, I know in the end Snape is good, but basically villainous characters are more like people. Villains are like selfish, secret keeping cowards. Right. That's what a human being is like. That's the description of a human being. Hero, no one's like a hero. No one's like, oh, the outside matches the inside. They're just brave and they're selfless. I can't think of a single person who matches that description who's a human. What you're saying is that human beings are complicated. They're complicated. They've got complicated personalities. Exactly. And villains are complicated.

9:15Is this what you were saying when you were seven years old? No, this is what I should have been. No, this is what I wasn't saying. I was like, I'm good. And I could not watch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I am... No, that's why. Now, as an adult, I can see that Scooby-Doo is... And actually, if you look at the... Scrappy-Doo used to annoy me as well when he turned up at some point. Yeah, I know, yeah. I don't know why they were like, oh, we need to write in a fresh character here. Yeah. Probably because every fucking story is the same. Yeah. So we better get some fresh blood in. What about a little nephew who's a wise-talking New York puppy?

9:55that talks fine by the way he talks fine and his uncle who's older than him yeah what are you doing there uncle school yeah he barely talks more than an actual dog talks like dogs can almost talk do you know i mean well compared to scooby-doo yeah yeah i no i didn't i didn't understand but but but then on the other hand actually the ones i did like it was they're far more vicious i mean like this this poor coyote who's really just trying to you know eat he's getting like rocks dropped on him and stuff and yeah i always found that really frustrating i didn't get any joy from the roadrunner cartoon i think you're a better person than me i liked all that i liked i like knowing who was going to win and i liked that it was a goodie and then i liked the bad he was punished why was why was the coyote why was wiley coyote bad uh well will i am got his idea for his yeah yeah it is a little bit like that isn't it yeah if there was a Yam who was called like will I Yam I was trying to think of a character who would be called I liked Ren and Stimpy there was no there was no there was no one to root for in that thing that was so gross they were such horrible my kids love it my kids love Ren and Stimpy Was Beavis and Butthead actually really good?

11:24Never watched Beavis and Butthead. I feel like it might have been good, but at the time I didn't really know. Never really watched Beavis and Butthead. Never really watched Daria. All that sort of... It all just felt like it was all involved in Nirvana and grunge. It was all just sort of a part of that. All quite stonery. Yeah. I've never really taken to like adult cartoons. We've been through this. Yeah. But I think I realised what it was the other day. It's that they're bending over backwards to be like, yeah, but we're really dark. We're really dark though. Don't be fooled. Don't be fooled though.

12:02It was really dark. And it's like, yeah, I'm just bored of you having to put like skulls and blood and like shit into everything. I just, I don't need that. An adult sense of humour isn't like bending over backwards to be like, oh, it's disgusting. I've died. It's all about death. It's just, it's just, it's just nuance. That's what adult humour is. And actually, I feel like there's, because it's a cartoon and they want to show it's not a children's cartoon, they're under pressure to really, really signal this. Don't be fooled, though. Don't be fooled. I don't think that's true. I think it's true.

12:29I really don't. I still think it's true. Well, that's still the impression I get. And as a result, the cartoons I basically like are actually ones that are sort of almost not for children, but children. I like The Simpsons, I think. And I honestly like Bluey. I mean, Bluey is literally for children. But I think... Because they're not having to be like, don't be fooled, though. Don't be fooled by the cartoon. I don't think they have that attitude. I think they go, I think there's a trick where you can go, we can get away with a lot more because it looks like a cartoon. So it sort of tricks you into, and the writers of those shows can go, we can say jokes and stuff that you would never be able to, and do things that you'd never be able to do on a live action sitcom or something like that.

13:08We can go to places. You've got to, don't poo-poo the adult cartoon. I'm not poo-pooing them. I'm just saying that I think there was. As somebody that enjoys comedy, there's lots. No, I know. South Park's one of the greatest comedies ever. I know. I realise that now. I do realise that now. When South Park first came out, everyone at my school was like, Kenny dies every week. It's really dark. It's right up my street. Kenny dies. I have a very dark sense of humour. Kenny dies every week. And I was like, whatever. Like, yeah, fine. You've got a cartoon character and you've killed it. I know what you mean.

13:37You've chopped his head off and like, isn't that dark? There are some things that you think, objectively, I might like this. but the person that's telling me about this has annoyed me so much that I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore. Yeah, I know. There are certain comedians where it's like they're good but their fan base is a bit too self-satisfied. And their fan base is all going, this is the kind of stuff I'd say. Well, no, it's not because then you'd be a famous stand-up. It's the kind of stuff you listen to. So I like video games. I'm a big video gamer and stuff. But there's loads of really great classic games that I've never played because they've been ruined for me.

14:16Yeah. Because I just had to spend a whole weekend watching my mate play it in his bedroom. I just... I've never completed Tomb Raider. I've never like... I've played it a little bit and stuff, but I could never really get into it because I was just so bored. What's amazing about the kind of, you know, Twitch and, you know, that kind of stuff. Is it called Twitch? Yeah. is that there was nothing more boring as a child than watching someone else play a computer game it was a little honestly it was a bit like watching someone else wank it was genuine like it was honestly like this is something that you should be doing on your own yeah why am i here like why am i here i thought we were gonna go and play football yeah or can i have a go yeah but even then i don't know you're doing wrong it's like no but it's not that it's like oh so now i'm just doing the thing that i should be doing on my own and you're here but i'm doing it in someone else's house yeah yeah one player games as a kid yeah there was an amazing bit where i managed to get my girlfriend at school into the game that i was playing right and it was called um caesar three and you built a roman city you're always talking about and there was a one bit there was one bit where um build farms and stuff didn't you i won a great battle and she was watching and she was like really impressed and there was a did you get a little something something I don't know whether I did no I don't think I was at my parents house I wouldn't have been it wasn't possible but um there was a bit where the battle was going badly and all the kind of all the war elephants were coming in and she was going this is the worst day of my life she's really into it and then I turned it around I built a load of towers and right I won the battle I think she was quite proud of me on that yeah that was really good I was like this is the I think this is the I've done that's most impressed up brilliant I remember thinking I am nailing this this is amazing I've managed to get my girlfriend to watch me play a game that's already not even exciting you a boring game like a city building game I would I'd love to take the piss out of you right now Joe but I just suddenly had a thought that I don't think I've ever impressed a woman ever in my life it hasn't happened since right that was it it was just that one And she got confused.

16:37I wasn't really a Roman general. I was, but I think for a moment she was like, I think he, is he? And then it would have buzzed. She was like, what was I thinking? Oh, my liege. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, she would give me a wreath. Yeah. Yeah. What news have you from the West? Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. Yeah, so, no. Never worry about the West. It's the South that needs your attention, my Lord. Did you say something like that to you? Yeah, no, I see. Yeah. Vanquish my walls

17:14The peasants are crying out They need an air What? That's right Christ Is that the theme song? That's the theme song on a gladiator Or the gladiator

17:37Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, fight all!

18:05for just$10 and get$50 toward your rug when you order. Visit Ernesta.com today. That's E-R-N-E-S-T-A dot com. This week on Help, I sexted my boss. Some lad on one of those line bikes had gone into the back of my car. I chased him halfway down the street in just my shorts. Why have you not told your bank? You have moved house. Who does that? I'm speechless. You have not done that. He disappeared for a moment, then returned with a suction cup to f***, firmly attached it to a book and climbed on top and rode it like he was trying to qualify for the Olympics. Listen and watch wherever you get your podcasts.

18:48So, this is a bit of a big deal, actually. This is an episode where... What are you doing? Is this scripted? Sorry, you scripted? I just wanted to make sure that you knew what was... Why wouldn't you? You've got the same script as me. Yeah. Don't go. We'll get to everything when we get to it, Joseph. Okay. All right. Okay, fine. Okay. Welcome to Joe and James Facts Up, where each week we'll be bringing facts to one another that we deem interesting. And our policy is the more interesting, the more true it must be. We'll also dig into the weird things that you'd like to think are true, but don't want to research yourself in a segment that we call Fact Check.

19:25So we need you to send in your facts. Send in your facts. We need you. We'll have a good week through. Email us. We're going to be here and float our boat. Our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. And you can follow us on our socials at joeandjamespod. Also, you can watch our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts. Just search for Joe and James Facts Up. Now, let's get fact up.

19:59Right, here we go. This is it. Yeah, this is what I thought we... all been waiting for. This is... This is where I thought we were before. No. That's why I was... No, no. We've got to do the little intro first. But this is... Oof. This is pretty big. I'm excited. I am excited. This is... It's the... After five weeks of painstaking decisions, today we will crown the winner of the inaugural World Up.

20:32There are so many facts But which one is the best?

20:45Only the world of Has the power to decide

20:55It's the world of We can find out the greatest. It's just by James and George and George and George. How exciting is that? And the tournament's been a huge success. We've made so much money from it. Oh, my God. All the merchandise, all the ad space. I hope that doesn't take away from the purity of it. I thought that was all it was supposed to be. Yeah, it was. It was set up to make money. I thought it was just a big commercial circus. Yeah, it is. We're going to introduce hydration breaks for the next one. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We'll stop reading out the facts just to do an advert. And also, by the way, I'm surprised we haven't blurred our background and stuff as well, because I don't want any other brands...

21:49No. If they haven't paid, they shouldn't be... Well, no, exactly. Yeah, they... Yeah, don't – these people haven't paid. What do you think we do the world up for? For other people to make money? No, not at all. This isn't about giving anything to the world at all. No. This is about trying to create a structure where there's an elite. It's really about status. Ultimately, it's about status. This is about saying there are some people in the world who are important and there are other people in the world whose job it is to give tribute to the important people. Yeah, absolutely. That's why – And the more we can make the world resemble a pyramid with just a very, very small group of people at the top, that's a better world.

22:31That's the kind of world we all want to live in. Yeah. Well, that's why, you know, for the crowds and the audiences during the World Up, we've certainly made sure that 99 % of seating and stuff goes to people who we like. Yeah, absolutely. People who have paid us money. Very, very well. And the thing about the world is if there are people who have got a lot of money, it's because they're better. Yes. They're better people. Absolutely. And if poor people get in their way, then the rich person should be completely free to say, get out of my way, you worthless piece of excrement. And then the poor loser should say, I'm so sorry.

23:05I'm so sorry. Hang on, Joe. Please forgive me. And the rich person can say, I might. The poor loser. I might. But the poor loser does also, because we've got 1 % of tickets allocated to those. Yeah, they can go to them. Unfortunately for them, though, there is a big demand and there's only so many. So they do have to pay a fortune. And I don't like the look of some of them. We're slagging off FIFA, by the way. Yeah. I bet they're trembling now. Yeah. I bet they are. Do they want some water for that burn? We've destroyed them, I think. I wasn't 100 % sure what point we were trying to make halfway through.

23:42No, we brought it round. But so far, Joe, five facts have made it through to the final. Some choices have been easier than others And some more converse for all Yep Is that fine? Easy for you to say Some more controversial than others But five must become one Tonight is the night When five become one I need a fact And I've never needed facts before Gonna make fact to you, baby Had a little fact Now I'm back for more Wanna make fact to you, baby Set your face Fact It's the only way to fact But anyway, we do have the spice call It's a good song, that I think that's a nice song Joe, is your bit next?

24:39We'll crown a gold, silver and bronze place fact And we've made these specials Well, we haven't came Right, okay We were going to have certificates but Lily May's stuck on a train. Because there's cows on the track. There's cows on the track. I mean, you know, I'm not saying that she's - Lily May's got the certificate. She's not - A country bumpkin. But she couldn't get in because there's some cows. She's not with us for this episode because her train was stopped by cows on the track. We just had news that just came through where Katie said, Lily May's not going to make it. Yes, it was delivered as though, you know, the machine was about to be turned off.

25:18So we don't have the certificates, but maybe we can, I don't know. Well, I mean. I'd say maybe we could do them another day, but what's the point? So we'll do gold, silver and bronze. I mean, maybe we can do sort of spoken certificates and then they can write it down at their end. Maybe, maybe. Has anyone got a 3D printer? Like that would really help. Or just a printer. Just a printer. Just a printer, yeah. You don't need a 3D printer. Yeah, just a regular printer. Yeah, exactly. Where have these certificates come from? Because in my head now, Lily May is on the train. She's got an attaché case with these certificates that it's been chained to her wrist.

26:09Yeah. That's probably why she's been detained, because the police have stopped her. She's got this suitcase. No, you've made a really big - They're like, what's in there? She says, I can't tell you. And they're like, why not? She's like, because it will ruin the world up. And she's like, you're just talking gobbledygook. Because I think you have just made a genuinely really amazing point. Do we not have a printer? Could we not just print off some certificates? Right, let's have a - Let's try and see if we do end up with some certificates. Yes, this does seem a little bit sort of 19th century, doesn't it?

26:43We haven't. Anyway, so now that we know what we're playing for, do we? Gold, silver and bronze. Yes. There might be some certificates. It says we'll sign them. Yes. So they're not valid till, so don't be printing them off. They're not signed. We'll sign them and the winner will get those certificates. The winner will get them. And we're going to do a little special video message. So let's review our facts and determine our final three. The five remaining are from Jacob, which was the classic, Ewan McGregor has a brother in the Air Force, and his call tag is OB2. Which is a pun on OB1. We've got the fact from Donza, who taught us that the Volkswagen's most sold part is actually a sausage, the VW Currywurst, part number 199398500A.

27:37And they've sold over 8.5 million sausages just in 2024 alone. Adrian told us about how original raspberry flavouring comes from beaver anal glands. I forgot about that one. Monty. Monty's fact was that a day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus. And Zach said that almost all animals have seven neck bones. Almost all mammals. Sorry, did I say animals? You said animals, but it does say mammals. It is mammals. I don't think it matters. Almost all mammals have seven neck bones, which is the leading theory behind us evolving from the same common ancestor. So, for example, whales, giraffes, mice, and humans, despite being wildly different sizes, still maintain the same number of neck bones.

28:24Yeah. Good facts. Yeah. Good facts. Any of them jumping out? Any of them? Have any of them declined in? Of any of them? No, I'll start with that. No, I think, yeah, I think maybe we should cut the wheat from the chaff Well, the ones that... Well, what we've got here is we've got some criteria about different social settings. Yes, these are the things that we can use to help us make our decisions. So we've got different places you might want to say a fact. So, for example, pub drop. Now, this is... You blurt it out to anyone. I'm not sure that's a description of a pub necessarily, but... No, but you can blurt your fact out to anyone in the pub situation.

29:11Oh, okay. You get an instant crowd reaction. No context needed. Okay. It's just a good fact. You're in the pub. Here, have you heard this? Yeah. And they go, fuck me. Yeah, yeah. You've got the dinner party flex, a bit more sophisticated. So it needs to sort of, you need the right audience. It needs to be a sort of well-read type fact. Yeah, okay. And they go, oh, God, that's very interesting. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So they'd have to know about the Venus one. They'd have to know about planets. If you say that in the pub, they might be like, oh, what's a planet? Is that a beer? And so on. You've got the work icebreaker.

29:53Safe, but surprisingly interesting. Okay, safe. Breaks the ice without alienating anyone. Doesn't make anyone feel stupid. Okay, exactly. You've got the tell the kids. Yeah. One that you can tell the kids that she's going to be fun, memorable, works for all ages, needs to be, well, doesn't need to be at all, but is better if they're true. Because I feel like I was told a load of facts that I've kept with me throughout my whole life as a kid. Yeah, it should be. Turns out I've been told a lie. Don't lie to children because they'll find out and, you know, they'll be confused. And then first date material.

30:29Okay. Now, I'm not sure whether the fact is a good first date. I think facts, maybe not. No, that's when you start telling your partner facts, that's when they're locked in. Yeah. They're trapped. You save that. And then they can't, then you start being really boring. Joe, we need to decide the final three before we decide on what place they'll finish. So two facts must go before the break, and the break's coming up. so what are you maybe we should do one each you're going to knock out one each yeah

31:12I'm a bit torn here but I think

31:21it's hard they're all good they are all good man they are all good now can I just say I think the one about the mammals and the one about Venus are they're like the dinner party facts you have to kind of you have to think a bit you have to be like yeah that is if you get people think about evolution yeah you shouldn't be on a first date going now listen you'll get a lot more out of this if you think properly yeah about evolution and It's not going to knock a bandy, is it? That kind of check. No, no. I mean, and I think you're right. I think First Aid don't put facts in at all, really. No, just talk about the latest Adam Sandler film or something.

32:09Exactly. So the Venus and the Mammal one, I think both of them, their weaknesses there may be a little dry. Well, the Mammal one was going to be my suggestion to go out. I think you have to do a little bit too much work in order to – It's not, I'm really not having a go. I'm not saying that we should stop studying other creatures or anything. I'm not saying that. This is the world up, mate. Yeah, I'm not, yeah. At the moment, they're all finalists. They're all finalists. They're all finalists. And I'm really, I'm genuinely not saying that we should like defund the sciences. They're all. I'm really not saying that.

32:43They're all great facts and a fine actor. Right. That was affectionate. Maybe Mr. Toad's affectionate. Why Mr. Toad? There's a face again. Right. What a fashion. The toad is the ugliest of all the amphibians. Right. We can't keep doing it. No, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Okay. I would say the mammal... Almost all mammals have seven neck bones. I'm just like, cool. Okay. I think that that is a fact where you maybe need to meet it halfway a little bit too much. It's not an absolute... Yeah. Whereas conversely, I feel that with the beaver anal glands one, if you dig away at that, it probably becomes less and less interesting.

33:30Yeah. If you actually work in a factory that makes raspy flavouring, you just be like, where are the beaver anal glands? Are those anal glands here yet? Yeah. Here, bring them in. You wouldn't even look at them. You wouldn't even be like, yeah, okay, bring them in. You get like, but for a punch. Do you reckon they bring the glands or they just bring the beavers and they just ring them a little bit? Oh, okay. Ring them out. Yeah, I don't know whether the beavers... They're just sort of like a wet sponge. Yeah, and then send them on their way? Send them on their way. Yeah. I mean I also think it's a bit unfair to them because when children do sign up for beavers I don't think they're told that their anal glands are going to be harvested in this way and if you don't have your anal glands harvested are you allowed to actually graduate to Cubs or not?

34:06That's my question and I was in the beavers I don't remember that day is all I'm saying but I didn't get all the badges actually I mean I'd say some of the beavers that have loads of the badges I didn't get your anal badge I didn't get my anal gland badge or my raspberry it's called the raspberry flavouring badge and you're like oh god that would be a bad day They wouldn't be like, oh, what are you doing today? Oh, mum, we're doing the raspberry flavouring badge at Beavers today. And you go in and then it's like, oh. So are we on agreement with the mammals one? I think we are. And it requires too much of the brain that the fat is in.

34:41Yeah. When I hear that, when I hear almost all mammals have seven neck bones, first of all, the word almost annoys me. Don't be – just all. Secondly, I want to go, right, and? Yes. Yeah, yeah. It's a finalist, don't get me wrong. It's a good fact. It's a great fact. But I just need a bit more from it. And it almost is a Freudian slip. This is the only fact where the entire rest of the fact has been... Well, to be fair, no, it's not. The others didn't provide any extra stuff. It needs this blurb afterwards. Yeah, I didn't even include that there is a few exceptions in sloths and manatees, but they are considered evolutionary defects as opposed to separate lineage.

35:26Boring. Well. I'm being a bit harsh. I'm being a bit Simon Cowell. It's more interesting than it seems. Oh, it's a very interesting fact. But it doesn't immediately. It's a very interesting fact. It doesn't immediately arrest your attention. Let's move on, Joe. We've got to move on. We are going to be here forever. We're going to get rid of that one. Now, the second one, I would like to, and I think you're going to disagree with me. It better not be the sausage one. No, I need to separate my emotional tie to this fact. You have to. And be a bit more clinical and a bit more objective. Kill your darlings.

36:02And it's the OB2 fact. Okay, yeah. Okay, fine. I was worried it was sausage. I love it. I love that Ewan McGregor's brother is in the Air Force and they call him OB2. Absolutely love it. But I do love Star Wars. Yeah. And I don't know whether that's making me a bit impartial. and again i think it is a little bit too much like he's created the fact we had this discussion on the day we kind of thought it's a bit like someone who's sort of changed their name to something and they're like oh you won't believe what my name is and it's like well you you created that if he was if it was his name that would be incredible if he'd been if it was just if it was just by some coincidence yeah that ewan mcgregor's brother's actual name yeah was ob2 If he was christened Obi-2.

36:50Yeah. Years before. Years before. Yeah. I mean, that would be remarkable. Yeah. Unfortunately, that's not the case. But he's not sure. So are we locking those in, Joe? I think we are. And you know what? I think we've been incredibly rigorous. We've taken this really seriously. A lot of this chat's going to get cut out because it's really boring. Some of it's been boring. But so, yeah. We just appreciate how important it is. And also we do very much appreciate everyone that sent in their facts for this silly nonsense thing that we're doing. So we just want to make sure that we get this right. We really do appreciate it.

37:27We're very grateful that anyone really interacts with this show on any level at all. Or just with me on any level at all. So here we go. So well done. But unfortunately, Zach and his Mammals Fact and Jacob and his OB2 are eliminated. Goodbye. Let's have a break and then we'll find out who the winner is.

38:07Not sure of the size or the material? Start with five samples for just$10 today to see them in your own light and match to your decor. Plus, get$50 toward any rug of your choice. Visit Ernesta.com today. That's E-R-N-E-S-T-A dot com. This summer, wherever you go, take your favorite podcasts with you. I've downloaded six episodes of Help Us X to My Boss. That's a long flight. No, that's just getting through security. Our group chat's basically become Get A Grip. Every week, someone's sending clips from Andrew and Vicky. I'm on UK True Crime. Walking the dog, heading to the pub. Oh, it's totally become my thing.

38:45Well, I listen in the hot tub. I haven't dropped my phone in, well, yet anyway. Wherever summer takes you, hit follow on your favourite podcasts and search Audio Always on any podcast app to discover your next favourite listen.

39:02Welcome back. We've just had word from Lily May, who's stuck on a train at the moment. It's like fucking some Blue Peter live broadcast or something. They are apparently very good quality certificates. She doesn't want us just printing something off the printer.

39:28So she'll be bringing, we'll get good quality certificates. Were they like banknotes or something? They've got a hologram. They're bonds. Yeah, they're government. Right. So. Oh, God. Here we go, Joe. This is it, man. We've got our final three. Now we need to decide bronze, silver, and gold. So let's just quickly go back over them. The Volkswagen sausage. It's a favourite of mine. It's good. Raspberry flavouring comes from beaver. Anal glands. It's good. It's...

40:05it's also as I say it's quite for sale baby shoes never worn it's quite it's almost a poem in and of itself it's like a fucking Bukowski like badass and then we've got like I meet a woman I tell her original raspberry flavouring comes from beaver anal glands she walks out the door I buy another six pack that'd be like a Bukowski poem right I don't know who that is he was It doesn't matter. He was very drunk. I don't want to know. I don't know if he's a beef poet, but he's a good, I would recommend Bukowski. Okay. If you, particularly, oh God, you get so alone at times, it just makes sense. This is a really good compilation of Bukowski poems.

40:49All right. Well, I'll check it out after this. Right. Let's keep it exciting. Were you saying that it's taking away the pace of it? A little bit, yeah. Okay. Fine. A lot like Lily May, you are the cows on the strangers. journey. Is to still be talking when Lily May. I'm trying to move more slowly than like masticating cows. Right. That's what I'm trying to do. And then we've got more slowly than the cow's stomach. Now I've forgotten what fucking facts we've got. Sorry you've just done the anal glands one. So we've got sausage we've got beavers anal glands make raspberries. Raspberries. And we've got a day and we've got Monty's fact.

41:24A day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus. I like what's for that. Yeah I've got I mean the trouble is. Really great. I mean if yeah. I tell you what we should do. I tell you what we should do. One of these gets one point. One of these gets two points. One of these gets three points. Okay. And let's write it down on our phone now. This is amazing because not only are we actually fixing democracy as well. And then whoever's got the most points. So one of them gets one, one of them gets two, one of them gets three. Yeah. So. Well, right, right, right. I've already got them. You've got them. I've done them in my head.

41:56I need to write. I can't. I don't have. I've done them in my head. I don't have that thing in your head that makes you be able to do that. the brain it's um it's working at maximum capacity at the moment it really is okay okay go who has got one point for you Venus Venus has got two points for me so Venus has three now who's got two points Viva I've put Anus okay Okay, so does he still get the points? Anus has got three points for me. So that's five. So that's five.

42:38And Sausage gets three points from you, right? Yes. Sausage gets one point from me. Okay. So that's four. That's that then. I think that's pretty fair. Yeah, it's pretty fair. And especially as my guy wins. I think we maybe had a feeling that one would win. There's something, it's got such swagger. It's juvenile. know exactly it's it's got the word it's got anuses in it it's got anus raspberries it's got raspberry it's got beaver i mean yeah all funny all funny almost every word is funny yeah land is funny yeah yeah yeah yeah it might as well have said like original bum juice comes from monkey testicle brain it's like it's just every word it's really good um yeah i think i'm happy for that to win i think it's a good and listen we'll be doing this again we're doing it again i mean this is people will look back and be like this will be like when sweden got to the final oh god can't believe it yeah so we've got it we do it let's officially right now coming in In third place is Venus.

43:50Okay. In second place is VW Sausage. And the winner of the World Up 2026 goes to, what's his name? Adrian. Adrian. Adrian Mole. With his fact that raspberry flavoring comes from beaver anal glands. now the only thing is about this joe so we haven't checked whether any of these are true or not well there's yeah yeah they are checked no we did i'm sure queen lily may did at some point well um it's too late now it's you know it's happened it's don't be going through the courts or anything it's happened just fucking happened all right have we got any we got like confetti or any We haven't even got any certificates.

44:45But, yeah, so that's... Well, but well done, Adrian. And well done to everyone who entered. Yeah, we did this for six weeks and this is how it ends. And above all, above all, I just had to say, this has meant that we haven't had to research and have our own facts for the weeks we've been doing this. And it's going to be really irritating having to go back and start doing work for this show. It's not why I started doing the show. I promised I'd have to do nothing, nothing. Yeah. And then I find out that there's a script I'm supposed to read before I come in. How am I supposed to find the time to do that?

45:19I'm incredibly busy. I know, you're always at the zoo. I've got the zoo to go to. Yeah. Where the North Sea meets the Baltic Sea and everything else. You're trying to keep your eye on that. Yeah. So if anything, the competitors are the only people who actually kept their promise to me that I wouldn't have to do anything. But here we go. just to confirm um adrian congratulations uh the flavor connection that adrian was referring to is called castor castorium it's a yellowish fluid beavers produce in their castor sacks located near the base of the towel to mark territory historically because of plant compounds in the beavers diet castorium was used by the food industry to supplement raspberry strawberry and vanilla flavourings.

46:07So congratulations to Adrian. You are our winner. Can I just say, how is it less trouble? I'm trying to congratulate the guy. No, I'm sorry. Okay, carry on. No, go on. How is it less trouble? Yeah. Rather than just going and pick some fucking raspberries. Yeah. Going down to the nearest dam and going in there and going, all right, boys, let's see your glands. There's no anus involved that way. Yeah, it seems like this person would have put whatever came out of the anal gland into their sweets. Congratulations. Whether they're taking raspberry or not. Can I congratulate Adrian for the love of God?

46:43Sorry. Congratulations, Adrian. You are our winner. We're going to record a little personalised message for you as well. And we're going to get all three places, places, sorry, a certificate. Oh, you need to get back in touch with us. Is that right? Because we need to know how to send it. so um you'll see a train that's um come off the rails and um or if you see queen lily may um trying to move some cows off some tracks yeah um get get in touch with us the same way that you got in touch with us before because we need to get you your certificates and um adrian gets a little message from us i'm all fact out joe oh my goodness i can't believe that's it for another four years yeah another four years yeah oh it comes and goes so quickly doesn't it which country will be, I think it's Saudi Arabia, the next one.

47:33I know it's the futures, but they paid us so much money. Oh, God, yeah. We hope that you've learned something or had a nice time. It doesn't necessarily have had to have been both, but we'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and flavours from Beavers Cracks. If you'd like to get in touch, you can. Our email is hello at johamjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330 and you can follow us on our social media at joeandjamespod. Head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details. That's the end. Bye. Bye. See you next week, guys. Bye. It's the world up. It's the world up.

48:16Joe and James, my top.

48:22Hi, my name's Alistair Green. Are you going to say your name or just have a massive pause? Oh God, that was revile. My name's Rachel, yeah, Stomachs. It's a podcast that we make. It's called Don't Think So Somehow. And all we do is bicker. It's largely pointless. We don't really get on or even enjoy doing it. I got ID'd for alcohol the other day. You're joking. Yeah, in Leeds. That's mad. It's like ID and Judi Dench. This might just be a podcast for you. Don't think so somehow. Every time I get a message saying, I'm loving the new podcast, I'm like, why? Why?