The Best A Bum Can Get?

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0:55Way fair, every style, every home. wherever life takes you. So shop now at liquidiv.com. Liquid IV hydration. That goes wherever life takes you. You know, we need to go back to a more natural diet. We're going to start recording. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. We are rolling. I'm going to... The mic's here. I don't know if you want to refer to me. Yeah, absolutely. Feel free if you don't want to. No, we will be. Lily Mae said that you call her the queen. Yeah. Feel free to call me the cult jester. Okay, sure. I think it's nice. Okay. Sure. That's the voice of Sadie, who will be filling in for Queen.

1:29Hi, Sadie. And we are in safe hands. We've worked together. Sadie worked in sickness and in health with me and Claire. Nice one. Nice one. We're all good. And you're court jester. I'm taking the title. So what are we then? If we're not the idiots. We're Privy Chamber. You know the Privy Chamber is literally, it's basically the people who help the monarch go to the toilet. It's the Privy. Didn't Henry Yates have eight of them? Well, weird. I imagine four of them I imagine Henry VIII was like late Elvis in sort of toilet terms like quite a big deal when he wants to go I also imagine his diet was terrible I bet he had no fibre I think he had four four people to wipe his arse or something like that maybe one of them was wiping the other one's arse so it was like a chain like human centipede like human centipede but just a lot as a milder version yeah didn't his body blow up or something uh might have done i mean honestly apparently his body blew up his leg he had a huge he had an abscess on his leg that must have been it really kicked up didn't it yeah without antibiotics um is i remember when i was at school my girlfriend at school was studying she had a pussy leg she had she had a huge abscess on her leg and she was the king of england massive privy chamber though that's a do what massive privy chamber on her is that a euphemism

2:54yeah um so yeah no four men working in there at all times just I don't know I don't know man how are we already on this this is terrible no this is great okay um I uh anyway none of that's true but what is true is that she was studying to become a doctor she was she was studying she was going to apply to do medicine. Right. And got in, in fact. And as far as I know, is now a doctor. And I remember she was reading this book about the history of medicine. And basically it said, until they invented antibiotics, all of it was basically pointless. It was like none of this did anything. And then antibiotics comes along and it's like, that's the first time really, like if you went to a doctor in the Victorian era, basically might as well go to no one.

3:43Might as well go to a carpenter or something. It's just like, it's just a person. They might help, they might not. They might make it worse. They just would not wash their hands and stuff, would they? Was it like Florence Nightingale was like, should we wash our hands? And they were like, why weren't they doing that? She was the first person. She was like, her big thing, her big, well, not her big thing, but her first, one of her huge interventions was like, should we just wash our hands before we start rooting around? Yeah, let's clean the beds and stuff. Yeah. Let's clean things down. yeah no germ theory germ germs didn't germs is really recent yeah like in in human history it's a really recent discovery is that bloke john snow i think i spoke that's right before yeah it was it was convinced when cholera when there was like a few cholera epidemics in in london yeah it was like and they were just like oh it's bad air yeah they're just what they call it me and miasma miasma yeah they were just they were cut like it's bad my asthma i love the fact that they just made they what are those they know it's a made-up word because they've just made it up and then they're like but it does exist and you're like but we know you just made it up so how can it be but he did um what i suppose there was a name for an unknown i suppose there was this cholera epidemic that came out and he managed to pinpoint it to a um what do they call it water well a well yeah in uh broad street in london and um and he did like work like so he did he got a map and he did like a graph he would have had what i think what they call a big wall of crazy yeah like in a detective show yeah yeah but it would have actually been it would have worked the um he went from this he worked out that it was this well because he might put a sticker there wasn't stickers at the time but put a little post-it note on every house that had a death in it.

5:40I love that you've revised it to post it. And it was really concentrated and then it got lesser and lesser and lesser. And he was like, right, it's got to be here. There's got to be something about this well. There's something about this well. It's the water. And everyone was going, no, you're nuts. What proof have you got? And he kept going back and getting more and more proof. And it wasn't until after he died when people were like, you know what? He was on to something. It's always a bit of a shame when people get credit after they die, isn't it? Yeah. But he managed to work it out. And they worked out, they looked at this well that they did.

6:13While he was doing his research, he was like, do me a favour, right? I know you think I'm a nutter, but can you just tell people to stop using this well? They took the handle off the well so people would stop using it. And then the death stopped, right? That's amazing. What happened was this well was right next to like Patient Zero's house. it was a baby and they were just throwing shitty nappies down a cesspit and the cesspit was leaking into the well the baby had died of cholera the baby had got cholera and then it was through her fecal matter that then the whole the whole sort of everyone on that street was basically fucked but he did, he worked out there was a workhouse that had no deaths because they had their own they had their own water thing and there was a brewery where none of the blokes died because all they drank was beer.

7:05I see. So he was just like, it's got to be this well. There's something about this well and this water that is killing people. But they just wouldn't. They were just like, no, it's miasma. It's bad air. You know why I think it is? I think it's because miasma or it's a really good word, isn't it? It's great, isn't it? It's a good name for a band. For like a sort of screamo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sort of like a Rammstein type of band. Yeah, or maybe sort of like shoe gaze. Do you know what I mean? Speaking of shoes. Yeah. Are these all right still? They're fine, mate. We're past it. We've done the shoes.

7:43I'm going to have to update them. But I will say, what you do, you do knacker them out. I do knacker them out. Like really quickery. Quickery. I went to the... Quickery. Didn't that cause cholera? It did, yeah. they do and actually i do need to completely change all my shoes they are leaking we i have the same day over and over again like i went to the zoo yesterday i was going to the zoo and my shoes were leaking and i thought this is just any day in my life i'm at the zoo shoes are leaking well i've got some um from the outside in yeah right from the soul in Right. I've got some... I thought...

8:28I was going to go, I don't think that's your shoes, mate. There's something on all your... With the foot there. If there's something leaking, if your shoes are leaking. Yeah, the veins of the shoe. Have you ever worn seal skin socks? No. They're waterproof socks. Right. They're made from seal skins. No, they're not, but I believe that they ape the qualities of seal skin. Right. And they're... What's, in a way, it's just plastic in a sock, I think. Right. But they're all right. When I filmed the festival, quite a lot of the crew were wearing seal skins. Yeah. Because you... I mean, the thing is, they're not...

9:12They get soaking wet, the socks, but it doesn't permeate through to your skin. So you're basically going around... It's like wearing a... Not a wetsuit, because that famously does let water in. like a dry suit for your foot. Just those Veruca socks that you can get for swimming. The kids wear. Yeah. I used to get terrible Verucas. I used to shave them off. Do you know that? But also, again, my razor etiquette is terrible. Did I tell you that when we did the first Inbetweeners film, Ian and Damon got me to shave the hairs around my arsehole. They said, I've occasionally spoken about this sometimes I do these kind of in conversation things and this is a story I sometimes tell but I've never said it on here but I will.

9:58When we did the first film Ian and Damon said well I mean this is very strange. Ian and Damon said okay Joe because of the nature of what we're filming tomorrow we're going to need you to shave all the hairs around your arsehole tonight. And I did. Were they joking? Because you don't know with them two sometimes. I did it. And then the next day on about three or four occasions I'd go over to them and say I did that thing last night I've shaved my arsehole. And they would go what are you talking about mate I think it was a joke yeah but and it's only very recently occurred to me that I just used my own razor like my Gillette razor yeah so much product placement now they do but but also well it's the best a man can get but carry on it's the best a man can get and um you know I'm a man so yeah and like I did and you deserve the best and I want the best so I got your anus deserves the best it's the best a man's anus can get yeah and And it's only recently occurred to me, as I say, that I didn't like change.

10:55I just went back to shave my face with it afterwards. I didn't change the blade. I don't know, man. Would it make that much? Probably not. It's all the same DNA, isn't it? I assume you showered. Oh, God, you've contaminated your face with your own DNA. I assume you showered and then shaved your anus. You didn't just go in dry. I think I showered and shaved. Yeah. You've got to sort of let the follicles get wet. but also when I but when I was a kid I would shave my Veruca off in a kind of masochistic frenzy but that was just my dad's razor I don't think I didn't tell him I was doing it I was just like he could have got fucking Verrucas on his face yeah I know I think I was just like it'll get what he's given you know he'll have to have me I've only had a Veruca once it's ultimately his fault I had a Veruca once when I was a kid even when I was a kid I was like a bit germy a bit sort of like germaphobe Yeah, I don't like saying that because I don't think I'm a germaphobe.

11:46No, it's okay. I understand. But I don't, you know, I didn't like sharing bottles with people and stuff like that. All my mates would be like sharing from the same water bottle when we were playing football and stuff. And I'd just be dying of thirst going, I wish I'd brought my own one. But I got this Veruca and I was like, what the fucking hell is that? What the fuck? I was just like, I burst in. You know I call. It's not the police. I burst into my mum and dad's room. I was like, I don't know what's happened. I don't know what the hell that is. and they were like it's alright it's a Veruca they are difficult to get rid of though I think they're a complete bazooka's okay bazooka that Veruca that's what that's what I ended up using bazooka that Veruca yeah I bazooka'd the Veruca and I've got to be honest that was like gone I never had any luck I tried to use all sorts of things I used to get a special Veruca I'd shave it off out of a kind of I was a real masochist I also had terrible spots on my legs I think because I used to wear these polyester school trousers that really irritated my skin.

12:44And I used to get salt and rub it into the spots. Not really because I thought it'd help, but just because I was like, I fucking hate this. It was like, basically, I just sort of... Some sort of weird purge. It was a weird sort of purge. I was like, I hate this. Did you flog yourself? I was bored. It was a bit like that. It was a bit like, what's that thing that they put around the leg? You know, that Catholics, well, not all Catholics, but to mortify the flesh, they wear a... uh it looks like a garter but it's made out of spiky chains yeah and it's just there to remind to basically punish yourself all the time because you're you know a miserable sinner or whatever yeah i might have to get into a bit of that it'd keep you well should we do one episode where we're both wearing one see if it's any better yeah see if i say yeah a bit less and before we get into the podcast because we still haven't even done the introduction yet uh we haven't spoke about um the ricky givet show yet so i just wanted to okay yeah go on because we need to talk about at least once i was thinking and i'm still listening to i'm still like going through all the old episodes again yeah and i absolutely fucking love it it's like it's it's wonderful um it's amazing i've got some stuff and i and i thought and joe's renovating his house at the moment i am because they always used to give their prizes were stuff that like so funny car builds have found in the drawer and stuff like that i know i was thinking maybe we should start doing a competition.

14:11Because I've got stuff that I need to... To win some of your old stuff. Well, I've got stuff that I need to throw away, but they're like, it's sort of, I don't know, some of it's quite cool. I understand. Some of it's... Well, Hannah accuses me of being a hoarder. I've been accused of being a hoarder. I don't think I'm a hoarder. I don't think I'm a hoarder. I think Hannah's a kind of... I think it's her who's got the problem. She blazes through the house like a sort of wind of fury and stuff just... Just valuable stuff. Claire's the same. I just think she's unfeeling. Because Claire is like, you've just got this weird emotional attachment to stuff.

14:43Like, I'll find a pair of socks that have got, like, holes in them. And I go, why don't I throw these away, like my socks? And I go, no, I wore those on the day that we did this. I maybe do have sighted it too much. I think Hannah appears to have almost no attachment to anything. No. I mean, I suppose it's solitary in a way. I could honestly, I think she would do one of those things where, Like, you know when somebody just gives away everything or burns everything? Is it, you know, like a Burning Man, isn't it? Didn't the guy give away all his possessions or something? The guy who invented Burning Man.

15:16Something. But sometimes you get these rich people who are like, I just don't want any of it anymore. I'm just going to set it all ablaze. Yeah, just set it on fire. Should you do that? Yeah, Clarewood as well. Yeah. Clarewood. They should set up a festival together, and you bring everything you own in a big truck, and everyone has a truck, and then together all the trucks just drive off the edge of a cliff. Yeah. Onto a fire. Onto a fire. There needs to be a fire element into it. Okay. Well, in my mind, the trucks blow up when they explode. They blow up when they explode? They usually do, don't they?

15:51Sometimes they do. Claire's got no, like, yeah, Claire's just so unsentimental. Her birthday's coming up and her friend said to me, oh, we should probably go out for a birthday, shouldn't we? And I was like, yeah, I suppose so. She went, where should we go? What restaurants does she like? And I went, none. I was like, I don't know. I was like, I don't know. We should just go there because I was talking to her friend. I was like, we should just go there because we all like that place. So we should just go there. And then I told Claire, I was like, oh, by the way, we're going to go here for your birthday.

16:23Your mate's sorted out. And she was like, oh, not really. She was like, the last couple of times I've been there has not been that great. I went, well, she asked me, where do you like? and I was going, and I've never heard you go. I've never heard her say anything like, oh, that's my favourite restaurant that is. And she started laughing. She was just laughing. I was like, I've never heard these words of like, oh, I love that place. I really enjoy going there. So I was just like, it doesn't really matter where we go. Yeah. I mean, I, you've, I'm sure she, did you go? It's in a couple of weeks.

17:00Okay. And it's a nice restaurant. It's a really lovely restaurant. I'm sure, yeah. Like, it's really nice, but Claire's just... Imagine being married to... Imagine being married to the woman impossible to please. Anyway, shall we... Shall we... Shall we say hello? Joe and James. Joe and James. Oh, Joe and James. Joe and James. They're fucked up again. Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James. Joe and James, fucked up! Welcome to Joe and James Fact Up. Each week we'll be bringing one another a fact we deem interesting, and our policy is the more interesting, the more true it is. That's the rule.

17:41That's the rule. That's the rule. We'll also dig into the weird things that you'd like to think are true, but you can't be bothered to do the research yourself in a segment we're calling Fact Check. And by the way, when we do fact check, our research is our brains, isn't it? Yeah. So we decide. That's research. We decide what it's real. It's a sort of pre-enlightenment research. It's like, what do I already know? Yes. And why does it make sense with the other things I already know? Where does it fit in? Is there anything I can get rid of? If you want to send us your facts, that's how your brain...

18:12I remember, I'm sure I've mentioned this on the podcast already. The way you told me, the way you described your brain, this was years ago when you said your brain was basically a computer. It was a hard drive that wasn't finite. It had a certain amount of gig on it. Yeah. And some stuff you have to get rid of to then... I think that is what the brain is like. And I think that it has sort of, you know, RAM and ROM. It has the kind of cold storage memory, and then it has the working memory, which is... So you say when you're reading a book, right? In theory, you've read the whole book. So that's a bit like your RAM, but the bit you're reading at the moment is like the ROM.

18:50So you might remember one, I don't know, one or two sentences ago, maybe. But if somebody said what was five paragraphs ago, you wouldn't be able to do it. So I think that's what it's like. And the same with focus as well. Anyway, yeah. Thanks, Joe. Anyway, our email is hello. That's part of the intro. Can we make that part of the intro? Just all of that. I'll keep getting called out for interrupting you. So I'm going to stop now. I'm so sorry about that. You asked for it. You should interrupt. Hello at joeandjamespod.com is our email address. We've also got a WhatsApp number 07822 034 330. You can also follow us on socials at Joe and James Pods, where you can also slide into our DMs.

19:35And if you, oh, also full episodes are on YouTube. Just search for Joe and James Facts Up. Okay, Joe. Now, let's get fact up.

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21:49got the name wrong got the name wrong it's called Mother's Pride it's a really lovely little film it's just really nice it's not going to win any awards or anything but it's just a really pleasant film and also this week me and Claire are doing the Buckley's live show where we've managed you've managed to somehow secure the services of a guy who's pretty difficult to because this guy is always working in Hollywood. The only way you can get Joe Thomas to do something is if you have to ask him. Yeah, you have to ask him. Or not ask. Sometimes, one time my brother went to me, oh, I've got a couple of mates who are getting married on the Isle of Skye next month.

22:34And I went, oh, I don't think I can come, man. He was like, you're not invited. I was just telling you. So sometimes I try and get into stuff without even... But yeah, I'm going to be there, aren't I? But if you're listening to this on the day of release, there might be there might be a couple of tickets to come and see me and Claire and also Joe at the Palladium yeah what does a Palladium mean? it's got to be some sort of Greek seems to me Roman sounds classical to me oh Sadie's looking up for us Palladium that's a really good question that is a good question and I've got another one for you once we've dealt with this that can't be right now go on what you got I want the one it was a word that was invented last year, I want the one that can't be right.

23:19The top one says, the chemical element of atomic number 46. That's palladium. It says palladium. A rare silvery white metal resembling platinum. Oh, maybe it is. And then if you go to the next one, it says a safeguard or source of protection. That sounds more right. That sounds more right. You can imagine Alexander going, get to the palladium. Get to the palladium quick. He was good, wasn't he? James and Claire and Joe will look after us. Yeah, Alexander the Great. Yeah. He conquered the known world. Is that Alexander the Great? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. We're going to do, actually that's not this episode, is it?

23:58It's the next episode we're going to do. We could do it this episode. No, we'll do it next episode. Do it next episode. No, this episode. This episode is free form. Yeah, yeah. Free form. We'll get to that. And another word that I'm interested in, the word Piccadilly. That's hard to, that's a hard one. Yeah. No one seems to know. It's just. Also, what came first, Piccadilly, or pick a lily again absolute madness going on in that bit of the vocabulary heard of pick a lily until i was like in my teens and i think partridge mentions it pick a lily yeah it's a sort of it's very much a yellow pickle sort of thing yeah it looks grim i've never tasted it you know it's got bits of it looks like if a load of vegetables have kind of had some sort of weird yellow oil slick over them.

24:46And they're like, oh God. It looks like, you know what it is? You know, in the 1990s, there was a real thing about people being gunged. I was about to say, you know, get your own back. It looks like a load of vegetables have been stitched up by their kids and they're like, gung mum and dad and the cauliflower's going, oh no, I'm covered in gung. That's Piccadilly. It looks like punishment for parent vegetables. I think I do quite a good Dave Benson Phillips impression. Okay, go on. It's get your own back with me, Dave Benson Phillips. The get your own back, the justification for gunning the parents was always like, he always wakes me up to go to school.

25:21And he's like, boo! They make me brush my teeth every night before going to bed. You cunt! Kill him! You fucking pedophile! You fucking child abuser! Trying to mean feed them vegetables! Get in there! Hope you drown! Hope you drown, you cunt! It was really unfair. You can see the kids. They're like, if it was up to me, Yeah, I know. It would be a funnel going in their mouth. I know. It wouldn't just be gunge in there. It'd be poison. It'd rip the flesh in your bones, you fucking dickhead. Trying to raise me. Trying to educate me. Providing for me. I didn't know much about Piccolilly. Who knows a lot, though?

26:00But you know how weird I am with food, right? Do you like it? I've never had it. Oh, so you said, yeah. Because I'm one of those people where it is like, how do you know if you've not tried it? I am just like, I know. I just do. because this happens to me a couple of times in my life, especially when I was a kid. Mum and dad go, they go, yeah. And I go, no, no, I don't like that. They go, well, you've never had it. And I go, no, I don't like it. They go, well, how do you know I've never tried it? I try it and I go, right, I don't like it. Yeah. I told you I didn't like it. I knew I didn't like it from looking at it.

26:28I knew I wouldn't like that. And also it's... I remember one time my mum used to make my packed lunch for me. I was in primary school. I must have been about seven. Yeah. Little boy, tiny little boy, Seven years old. Yeah. My mum would make her sandwiches and my sandwiches. She got them mixed up one day. I would only have plain ham sandwiches. What was she having? She had ham and pickle. Okay. Right? Right. I thought it was going to be significantly worse than that, actually. No, I can't do pickle. Can't be doing with that. No. I instantly knew. Even at the age of seven, I was like, she's made a mistake here.

27:01She's given me her sandwiches and she's taken hers. And you were straight on the phone to Dave Benfield Phillips. She's taken mine. I was straight on the phone. I was thinking this bitch is getting fucking gunged. Right. But the Sally, lunch lady Sally, she was so stern and she was going, eat it, eat it. And I was going, no, this is a mistake. I don't eat this. I don't like it. My mum is, these are my mum's sandwiches. She's put them in my lunchbox by mistake. She was going, you're not leaving until you've eaten. You can't go to play until you've eaten. Forced me to eat this fucking, and I was like gagging and stuff.

27:36pickles I can't have I can't have that brown pickle that's what it was yeah Branston I can't have that I can't do it it is weird also I'm traumatised because like because of that situation anyway it is weird I can and it's interesting with the I do think there was a there was a punishment in high school where you had to stand facing the wall yeah with your nose touching the wall and I thought this is like a prison thing yeah like this is fucking crazy It's corporal punishment almost. It's horrible. I remember one time I got sent to the corner for mucking about. And the corner was by the door to the classroom.

28:13And at some point during the lesson, I got sent to the corner. And then she opened the door, which sort of encased me in this sort of prism. In a little prism. Right. And then she forgot. A little triangular room. And then she forgot I was there. Sent everyone off for lunch. And I stood there for about half an hour. There was only about 20 minutes left of lunch. And there was a teacher gone by and I just went, hello? They went, what are you doing in there? I was sitting in the corner and I've not had any lunch yet. So then I went to lunch and I was false fed some pickle. Fucking Grim School. People go like, oh, why do kids not like school?

28:54We need to make kids like school. That's half the battle. I know. Even when we were growing up, it was fucking awful. It was horrible. It was horrible. No, no, no. There's not... There's lots of... My parents are both teachers or retired teachers, but I do think there sometimes appear to be people who worked at schools who genuinely hated children. And you're like, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? Because this isn't helpful. So your parents taught a bit older. They taught older, yeah. I'm talking primary school. You get some real sinister fucking weirdos. Yeah, and I think also the sense of like...

29:29I'm not a fan of... I'm not a fan of like shaming children i really think that's sort of horrible and it's always the stuff that the adult knows actually isn't that bad like i i remember i remember cub scouts once and this boy one of the i was a little like little middle class boy and what and a boy had knocked on the door and tried to run away and it was like that's not that and he was dragged in and he had his head down He had a hood on. Right. And he was, and he, and basically. Which means he knocked on the door. You know, like Knockdown Ginger or something. Oh, right. And they got him. They caught him.

30:04Right. And they dragged him in. Yeah, no, that's fair enough. And they went. That's all part of the game. That's, that's, you know, that's why you play Knockdown Ginger. Oh, okay, fine. But they were literally going to us, like the good little boys. Yeah. Make sure you do not become like this boy. Right. It was horrible. Yeah. They were basically going, he's going to hell. Right. Like, it was, it was really horrible. I thought, imagine being that boy. It's horrible. I was constantly... It's a child. It's a child. I was constantly called stupid when I was... And I know that doesn't sound bad, but when you're a tiny kid in primary school, you're constantly, what are you doing, you stupid boy?

30:39Yeah. Why have you done that? Yeah. So I was just like, oh, well, I am stupid. They keep calling me stupid, so I won't bother. Hey, Joe, we have got a voice note in from someone called Sam. I believe it's a would you rather. Okay. Okay. A little Would You Rather game. Okay. Let's go for it. All right, guys. Love the pod. It's Sam here from near Preston. It's not facts that I'm contacting you guys in about, but it's a question that's really split my friend group that I would argue has some fact behind it. And the question is, if you were cursed, so every time you saw a dog, it attacked you and tried to kill you, or every time you saw a bird, it attacked you and tried to kill you, So every dog in the world, every bird in the world, which curse would you choose to have?

31:31Thanks, guys. Keep the good work. Thank you, Sam. Remember that he said his friendship group, that's it. It suggests to me that there's more to this than meets the eye. Presumably the obvious answer is, I'll take the birds. Yeah, I'll take the bird. But, well, there you go. Birds. And I'll draw your attention to a film. What's it called? It's called The Birds, isn't it? Right. Hitchcock film. Hitchcock. Yeah. Yeah, but it's if you see them. He said if you see a dog. There's not, to my knowledge, a film out there called The Dogs by Hitchcock. And to me, that may be something that is worth just taking note of.

32:13Cujo. What's that? The film. Is that the Stephen King film? Yeah. Oh, but that's just one dog, isn't it? I think so. So it's sad if you've got a pet. And I think we don't have pet birds anymore because we're not Victorian sort of cartographers. My nan had a pet bird, had a budgie. I feel like it's really old school having a pet bird. It seemed like the most miserable existence. Yeah. It had a like, it was in a prison. Oh, no. It was in a prison. You see bird cages and you're like. In fact, I had a budgie. Who did? I had a budgie. You had a budgie? Yeah, I had a little budgie. Oh, God, I forgot all about this.

32:51Oh. It just flew away. Well... It flew out the front door. It just went. I suppose they... My dad was like, well, that's that then. If I was a bird and I was in a cage and I once got free, I'd be like, I'm getting the fuck out of here. I cannot blame it. It did. I cannot blame it. I just fancy my chances more against a load of birds rather than one dog. Even just one. I imagine... And they're not like zombies, are they? You can kill them in a regular way. Yeah. Just snap their necks. Snap their necks. I've heard the only way you can stop a dog from attacking you is to stick a finger up his arse.

33:38Well, that's the story I'm sticking to. So you'll be really busy. Well, the story I'm sticking to is I thought the dog was attacking you. So why didn't you just use your finger?

33:52I panicked. I was holding them in both my hands.

34:02It's a good question. It's a good question. I'm interested that it's split. When he says it's split a friendship group, does he mean like irrevocably? You know what mates are like? It is just like, no, I'm not having that. Like you can't, like this will, like they say like, there's this thing. I think it might be misogynistic, but there is like oh blokes blokes with their mates are so more simple than girls they're always bitching about each other and stuff and whereas blokes are just sort of like very easy but then when you when something like that when a conversation like that happens at the pub yeah some does come to blows yeah sometimes yeah yeah um no i know it's and uh especially if like there's a couple of pints in the mix as well i always feel that sort of that football is a kind of irony free zone as well even at the sort of five beside you're not allowed to joke no about what happened to me do you remember we did that soccer six thing yeah at Stanford Bridge years and years and years ago I do remember that for a joke we were playing maybe bleep his name I don't know but we were playing we were playing against and I'm not good at football I'm more known for being an idiot and being funny, right?

35:20And there's a crowd of people that want to watch celebrities, people off the television, play football. And presumably their interest in us playing football is not that we're going to be really good at football. Yeah, exactly. It's funny to see us fall over. So we were waiting for a goal kick and I was marking him and we were moving back and we were moving backwards. And I could see him walking towards me with his back towards me. So I just did that classic thing where I got down on all fours and he and he fell over me yeah he fell over me it's like called benching someone is that what it's called and uh and then and then he got up and he went right that's it you're fucking getting it you cunt what's the other one mate I was like what that is yeah that is surprising yeah it's I'm always amazed by the level of like you go to play five a side football the league I play in at the moment actually is rather I seem to have made my way to a rather sort of gentle league.

36:18All the people we play against seem quite nice. But like, I've played at various other levels. There's people like Coxie, who I know. It is Coxie, and you know, it's nice. I can't imagine him fucking... Well, no, my team, I've always played on teams that I've felt I might... Although, to be fair, some of them... People change, don't they? People who seem very normal go onto a football pitch and... Well, fucking Morris is one of those. Yeah, but you can't like... That was one of the worst days of my life when we had a little five-a-side tournament. Oh yeah, I remember that. Yeah.

36:46We played at, what's it called? Power League or something. Yeah, yeah. What, with the in-betweeners? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was right. Yeah, I do remember that. I don't know if it's there anymore. It was the one by Bethnal Green Road. The other side of Bethnal Green Road. I don't particularly enjoy... A problem I have with five-a-side is I don't know why it's necessary to make it so that you can't shoot inside. You know, they draw a circle around the goal. Yeah. And you're not allowed to go inside. Now, I don't have... My skill set is, if anything, I'm quite good at dribbling. I'm all right at getting past people.

37:27I'm quite... I can like... I'm just going to say this. I can drop a shoulder. Right. Right? He's wily. But I don't have a powerful shot. Right. And this game feels like it's been designed by people who... I know, but don't... I mean, even if you don't have a powerful shot, the pitches are so small. I can't get it in. Right. Honestly, well. It's not what that dog said. Oh, my God almighty. But no, we did a little evening of playing five-a-side football. Was Ben Palmer there as well? I think so. It was cast versus crew or something like that. I do remember it being quite… Ian Morris just turned.

38:06It was quite competitive. He just turned into this… Because he was like… Like the ball would come to me and I'd go, mine? Like that. And he was like, no, you can't say mine. You cannot say mine. You're not allowed to say mine, that's true. It confuses people. Because it's confusing. I was like, well, we're not. Because you can't identify the voices of, oh, no, you can. Oh, no, you can. No. Oh, no, you can identify the voices of people. I remember him having a go at me for saying mine. I was like, I thought we were going for a beer after this. At this level. And also the level of aggression that you get.

38:33Like football, I always think football is a wonderful game that is constantly borderline ruined. the spirit in which it's played. Like, so much fucking whinging. Like, if you like whinging, play football. Like, most, 50 % of blokes' energy when they play football is spent, like, lobbying the ref. He's done it again, ref! He's done it again! Like, just constantly, shut the fuck up! Shut up! Shut up! It's primarily like a sort of diplomatic exercise. Like, he's doing, look at this now! Look at this again! Three times, just constant. Shut up! Shut the fuck up! And also, it can be quite violent. And it's fine.

39:11It's people you don't know, like calling you a cunt. What's going on? We've said cunt so many times in this episode. I know. What are you going with, dog or bird? And be careful what you pick, because this will destroy our friendship. All right, bird. Simon Bird. Simon Bird. Does Simon Bird attack you? Every time you see Simon Bird, he attacks you. Okay, what I'm going to say is I choose bird, but only with the caveat that it's every time I see a bird, it attacks me. Not every time a bird sees me, it attacks me. Because I see flocks of starlings and they're several thousand strong. Yeah, but they're like...

39:50And if they see me, I know, but that quantity, that quantity... Oh, you could smack them. You could stun them, honestly, and then stamp on them while they're on the ground. I guess I could get inside a building. You could wear a big coat with a hood. They could swarm you and stuff. they're not going to do a starling probably weighs i don't know starling actually no they're probably about i mean you're getting up to the point if a thousand you're getting up to the point where what's a ton a thousand kilograms so if a starling weighs you're thinking of like you know half a kilogram two thousand starlings that like they all land on you there's like a ton weight landing i i get the i understand why this is tricky but i'm gonna say if it's every time i see a bird i'll just try not to see any birds yeah um and it's easier to avoid seeing birds than to avoid seeing dogs yeah uh so if if it's as he phrased it i'll stay with oh man

40:50we're on the fact so do you want to hear my facts go on right so there's no theme for this episode So I've chosen a fact that I just think is a good fact. And this is that the first American to learn about the death of Stalin was Johnny Cash. Is that a fact? Well, he says it's a fact. I've heard the story because he was in the RAF and he was a radio operator. He was doing more. He was a Morse code person. And it's being queried a bit. and they're saying that, you know, he would have just been in Morse code. He would have just sent it on and he couldn't speak Russian and so on. But let's, you know, let's say that it's true.

41:33It's interesting. It's interesting enough. I think it's two worlds that you don't think of as being connected in that way. So this is 1953, is it? When Stalin... Cash Starling. Cash Star... Yeah. Just a... There's the title. ah for the film really awful pun cash starling yeah to link to our bird thing yeah um what's it what's that pun on cash sterling oh okay oh it's quite good no it's not good is it it's clearly not good there's the starling bank as well is there yeah how does that work it's not got cash in it i think is it i think i think i'm right in saying that is it a bank where the ceos are female, which is very unusual.

42:23So they're like, we'll probably do a better job than men. And I think actually they sort of maybe do. I don't want to sort of wade into this, but you know, if it's up to me, between me and Claire, what we do about money. Yeah, well you waste it on night shirts and so on, don't you? We'd be in a lot of trouble. I think Starling Bank have not invested in night shirts. They should do. That's their big success. They pulled out of night shirts, that market entirely, and that's serving them very well. But so, yeah, in 1953, so Johnny Cash. Like, quite a lot of singers seem to have been in the military.

43:02Well, it was when, yeah, it was just a time. Did the military, everyone, a lot of people just were in the military. Yeah. But I think the military may be also quite like putting on shows and reviews. Yeah. I think so. Yeah, who was that guy? When I was in the Footlights, he once performed at a naval college. Yeah. And we had a joke about a cane, somebody having a cane, carrying a cane around. And they absolutely loved it. And we were like, that went down well. And we found out afterwards it's because their Commodore carries a cane around. And they thought it was some reference to their Commodore.

43:33So we stumbled upon a rich vein of sort of approval from these sort of naval students. But actually, it was a mistake. I'm sure they loved that. They were a very good audience. But I think maybe... And didn't like... What's the face? like um spike milligan he had a military background yeah something i'll be honest though like back in the day there was a book sorry if you'd sent me spike milligan i'd be like oh well the other lad's got melinda messenger and i'd be yeah i mean i do remember that we once visited we went to cyprus didn't we went to cyprus and they were pleased to see us yeah but they were also saying do you know any like are there any female do you know any women because we've got quite a lot of men here already.

44:17It's very nice to see you. It's very nice to see like two more, I don't know, four more blokes. But like none of, we haven't seen any women for like six months at all. Yeah. And it'd just be nice to like see one or like talk to one. And again, very, very pleased you're here. Four more, four more men. But, I do remember that. But they were, they were very nice just weren't they? Yeah. It was fun. That was great. I really enjoyed that. And didn't they, they did the dance, didn't they? They learned the dance from the first film. Yeah. No, it was nice. That was a really, really good experience. I was mostly amazed by how young they were.

44:50They looked like, and probably were, sort of 16 and stuff. Well, I think they were a bit older than that. I'm sure there was a couple of 16-year-olds. But I think you've got to be young and fit if you want to really sort of... Well, that's the thing that I... I think you're young and fit when you join the army. And then if you want to carry on and make a career out of it, you keep yourself fit and you get used to that sort of thing. that's the thing when I always think about like which obviously I do because I'm a tragic man you're gonna say like you know would I conscription or would I would I would I and I guess what I'm mostly thinking about is would they actually want me I'd be a detriment with my I'd have to make sure that I got like fiber supplements and stuff because my I've got a funny tummy and like like if I was really tired I need like I need a lot of sleep I'd have to be like I'm going to have to go to bed early I'm afraid I can't do the watch because like I don't know how they give out if I don't get to bed before midnight like I'll be so grumpy in the morning I don't know I don't know how they give out the grenades or whatever when they're in the trench but if it's on a tray and everyone takes one I'd like I'd trip over something it would blow us all up or something like that but um but so there you go Johnny Cash uh So the first person in the Western world.

46:11First American. First American. And you do think, yeah, you know, you've got this old dictator who's a product of the, you know, 1910s ultimately, still knocking about. And then meanwhile in America, it's Johnny Cash and it's a world that we can absolutely relate to. It's rock and roll. And I suppose it does speak to the cultural difference between those two spheres at that point. I'm not cutting him off. No. I'm not doing it. I keep getting told off, so I will just let him carry on. I'm at the limit of saying anything, even vaguely pertinent. Right, Joe, it is time for fact check. This is the part of the show where we read a fact or question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of.

46:59We're going to read out the fact. I think you've got it, Joe. And then during the break, me and Joe will have a little think and we'll decide whether it is true or false. Okay. What's the facts? Okay, James. Yeah. So this week's fact check comes from Sam. Different Sam. Different Sam. Female Sam. So not voice note Sam. Okay. And she emailed to say, G'day boys. Oh, okay. So call that Aussie. Yeah, definitely. Aussie on the pod. Absolutely. How are you going? Yeah. There's no way it couldn't. You're not allowed to say g'day unless you're Australian. Oh, well. Carry on. Oh, no. Hang on a minute. I've just seen it as well G'day boys, don't know why I said that I'm actually from York and England Okay Well, you know It's a nice greeting So I'm a pommie girl But anyways, for the sake of this email I'm an Aussie as I do live in Perth, Western Australia I see, okay I should have just read it Out I'm Sam by the way, love the podcast I've got a fact check that's going to fact your brains out Nice my husband Steve told me that if you piss off a crow that it will attack you for the the rest of its life and then that then if that crow has babies it will teach its kids to hate you too so then those crows will attack you for the rest of their lives and so on you'll basically have a hitman sticker on your back for the rest of your life from a crow if you piss a crow off is this true or is my husband being a dick because I'm gullible as shit and believe dumb stuff he tells me happy fact checking love your work thanks again sam right love that let's have a little um yeah break uh there's be some adverts i guess and then um we'll be back to let you know whether we think that is fact up fact or facts up is that what we're saying i keep forgetting the rules no fact up is fact fact up is that's good i thought yeah and then the really the higher one And I think we've never really established what we say if we don't think it's true.

49:04Well, we'll find out. We'll find out. We'll find out all together in a second.

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50:50joe and james fact up welcome back to joe and james fact up we were just fact checking on behalf of sam who wanted to know if crows hold grudges against people and pass the grudge on to their children initial thoughts joe crows are supposed to be more intelligent than perhaps we've they're to be really good like puzzle solvers and problem solvers and yeah they can do the quick crossword but not the cryptic. Can I chuck in some of the stuff that I think I know about this? It's stuff that maybe I've heard or whatever, right? Or stuff that I might have created in my brain. There is a problem with magpies in Australia.

51:35They're a big magpie. They do pick people and they'll hang outside your house and you have to run to your car Or if you want to fucking ride a bicycle, you've got no chance, mate. They will hunt you down. So there is already a bird problem in Australia. When I was a kid, there was my aunt and uncle and my cousins lived in a flat in Peckham, which is sounding a bit old, only falls on horses, but they did, right? and they got for a while they had a um a crow that would when they left the building to get to their car in the car park that would just constantly attack them all so they they can single out individuals and but and and this is perhaps where this my i i i did a gap year in perth in western australia and that the main thing about these I believe they were crows or maybe ravens they're similar was that they were incredibly loud like from dawn you just have like ah ah ah it's not a nice bird song it's kind of it's a low it's a guttural bleat it's not a blackbird no no it's not we've got a couple in our garden no no this is like ah I just stare at them Claire thinks I'm a weirdo Claire's like you're definitely like getting to your 40s so just like open up like during the summer if I'm sprinkling, if I've got the sprinkler on the grass, for some reason that like in the evening, that sort of I don't know if it because there's that thing about worms come to the surface if there's water or something Yeah, and after it's been raining you snail sort of So then we get a lot of birds in the evening and there's one particular blackbird that sits on the back of our fence and I just love it It just makes me really happy and she's like, you are fucking sad You are just proper in your middle age era.

53:40It is. Yeah. Bird watching does seem to be a thing that clicks in. I bought a feeder and stuff. Oh, that's nice. I had to buy a special feeder because we've got squirrels as well. Right. So I had to buy a special feeder that squirrels can't get into. Yes. Because as far as I'm concerned, they're fine. They're thriving. They're doing absolutely fine. They're definitely doing fine. I just want the little finches and stuff to be able to get to this bird feeder. I had to buy a squirrel-proof bird feeder. So what's that got wire on it or something? It's like a big dome. It's like a sort of dome and then there's a cage.

54:15And yeah, there's a lot to it. Yeah, yeah. But it broke. Actually, I'm just remembering. It broke last year because I think a squirrel was trying to get into it and snapped it off the branch. It was like probably hanging off of it. So this squirrel was like, if I can't eat, no one will. Well, then it spilled out all over the floor, and I'm sure he got these. It was also dried, what do they call it, worm meal or something? Or mealworm? Mealworm. Oh, mealworm. It was basically dried caterpillars, I think they look like. I think it probably is. So he basically had a sort of protein shake, effectively.

54:51But there is a little bit of this. I just don't know. Obviously, the part where it feels like it's getting a bit stretched which is this idea that it's handed down in the family. Animals do that though. Animals do do that. Again, I think I'm getting my information from Gervais. Animals of Farthingwood? Yeah. Either the podcast or the XFM show where they talk about learned behaviour and that monkeys with salt or something. Yeah, it's possible for troops of monkeys to have a culture to some extent that is handed down and it's not in the genes, it's learned. And like you say, the crow is up there on the intelligence.

55:34They're smarter than we have sometimes thought. Give them credit for. I'm going to go fact, man. I'm not going to go it's so fact up it hurts. It's not so fact up it hurts or so fact it hurts. But again, I've heard similar stuff. I've had similar personal experiences with my family, my aunt and uncle in Peckham. I'm going to go fact. Okay. It's fact. We're going fact. I'm going to say it's fact. Well, we've not got Queen Lily May here, but does the Jester want to call it Jester? So, yes, it's scientifically supported. And studies have shown that crows can remember the specific human faces associated with a threat or negative experience for up to 17 years.

56:29And they teach their offspring which people to basically attack and harass. Right. So it's if they've had an egg. So you need to do, they're like, you started it. Yeah. But it is amazing. It's like these family fuses, isn't it? It's like the Montagues and the Capulets. or something. It's handed down and it's lost, presumably it's lost in the midst of time what the incident was that first started it all off. I wonder if you could change it to a more pleasant experience, like buy some seeds or something like that. Give them a good experience. And just when you leave your house and you go, oh, here it comes.

57:04Maybe just hold out and just go, there you go. I'm a friend. Offer the olive branch. Maybe get a dove to kind of intercede bird of peace what if the dove starts attacking you what if you've slighted the dove in some kind of way if the dove because I bet they could they seem like little pricks I bet doves could have a if you don't stroke them well enough although they're the bird of peace I've never yeah I've never I've never heard anyone say anything nice about a specific dove I've heard nice things about it's basically a pigeon is it well I don't know let's say for now it's basically a pigeon yeah and I've heard people say nice things about pigeons and about doves beyond their status depends what pigeon they're a bit like pandas aren't they doves they've got this they've got this one high profile job as like sort of magicians assistants yeah but also as the bird of peace yeah the bird of peace right and the panda is kind of well it was Noah wasn't it he sent a dove out and it came back with an olive branch is that what it was oh it did and that was land wasn't it yeah that was the end of the flood yeah is that right it.

58:12It seems right to me. Well, it's something by right. Oh, we don't have to look that up. It's right in my head. So what we're saying is the... Oh, it's fact. It's fact. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we've actually just done that. Yeah, we've done that, yeah. So this is your fact now. Shall I do my facts, Joe? It's not that interesting, to be honest. No, I think you should. Okay, so we were given free reign, and And honestly, I think I fumbled a little bit. I could have gone anywhere and I was so excited that we didn't have a theme. It's hard to not be constrained at all. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, what can I talk about?

58:50And I did. I love space. I absolutely love space. Don't understand much of it. It blows my mind. There's a lot of it about. There's a lot of it about. There's a lot of it about. And I was coming up with some facts that I thought would interest you. and then I started going down a little rabbit hole where it just became a bit depressing. And then I just thought, do you know what? That also suits us. Yeah. Do you ever use the thing when you're small where you would just imagine the idea of something going on forever and ever? Yeah. And ever. Yeah. It was weird, wasn't it? Yeah. Carry on. I'm not 100 % sure what that point was there, Joe.

59:30I'll be honest with you. but i'll do my facts yeah it there doesn't need to be that much of a reaction it i just have um what would you call it astrologically is that a word yes yeah uh pick the top well astronomically astronomically okay um just picked the top five ways the world the earth could be destroyed okay that's what but not through like man-made stuff just stuff that we can't do anything about i like that that's what not that it's just a nuclear war like but just like we're just sat here on the planet and it's all outside no absolutely no i like that there's there's there's too much of you know us ending the world so some uh in at number five i love his what is most likely or just um i can give you best reviewed i can give you how likely it's gonna be actually but in at number five uh solar evolution okay the sun will eventually become a red giant star right um oceans will evaporate evaporate atmosphere will be stripped away surface temperatures will become lethal uh and then also there's a chance the earth just might be swallowed entirely by our own sun.

1:00:50Probability, 100%. Yeah. This is 100 % certain. We've got five billion years to work out what we're going to do about that. We've got a little while. But that's happening. Yeah. That will, the Earth will no longer exist. Right. So number five. Number five is the inevitable end. Mind you, we had that really hot day in the 70s, didn't we? So, you know, Yeah, we're saying, you know. That's Gervais, isn't it? Yeah. We used to call that summer. Yeah. In at number four. Go on. Rogue Black Hole.

1:01:27Rascal. A rogue. Oh, you're a little blighter. One that would turn up at the house. Turn up at the house, not at the door. I'm a bit down on my luck. Can you help me out? Yeah. I'll only be here for a couple of nights. Oh, I know. Before you know it. Yeah. He's got his feet on the coffee table. No, a rogue Black Hole or star. a rogue star passing through our solar system. Yeah. That would be pretty bad. It doesn't sound great a black hole comes through. If a wandering black hole or star passed close enough, planetary orbits would completely destabilise. Obviously, we'd be tugged and pulled about.

1:02:03Earth could just be ejected deep into deep space. Bloody hell. Oceans and atmosphere could freeze. And the entire solar... Probably would freeze, I imagine. the entire solar system becomes gravitational chaos the only problem about that one is it's not likely it's not likely that would be really unlucky it would be really unlucky if a black hole just sort of turned up it sounds unlucky doesn't it but there would be very little early detection especially for a black hole they don't phone ahead do they no That's the issue. So even though it's really unlikely, we won't know about it until it's way too late.

1:02:51It sounds exciting. All right, we're in the top three now. Top three, here we go. Nearby supernova. If a star goes into supernova, that would basically be radiation apocalypse. A star could be 50 light years away and explode. And that would be... that would be a bit of a problem. The Earth would be hit with a massive dose of radiation. The atmosphere would be changed chemically. Ozone would be destroyed. We've only just started bringing that back, haven't we? I remember we were obsessed with the ozone layer in the 90s. That was a big thing. It was almost like in the 90s, the ozone layer was like, if we could just fix the ozone layer, we'd be absolutely cushy.

1:03:38Turns out. Increased mutation. and ecosystem failure so I don't know I don't know if it'd be a bit like suddenly everyone's got three arms and stuff what was that film um Catastrophe I think it's called where everything's evolved is that right it's a really good film everything's kind of like supercharged got Natalie Portman in it it's the bloke who did is it Alex Garland never heard of him really he did The Beach right it's really good there's something happens a thing called Shimmer and inside it everything Things have kind of evolved, sort of ultra-evolved, and they've become kind of sort of beautiful, but at the same time monstrous.

1:04:18Right. Anyway, unlike an asteroid wandering into the system, it could sterilize large portions of the biosphere via radiation, and you would see the star brighten, and then the radiation arrives later, which I assume I suppose 50 well 50 years later presumably if it's light years if it travels at the speed of light we can't travel faster we've covered this yeah nothing's faster than light no so you've got 50 years no depends how old I am you might not even have to worry if I'm already 50 I'd be like forget it then I'd worry about my kids maybe yeah I suppose so I should never have had those now we get into sort of a bit more And what's the likelihood of that?

1:05:10Not likely. Not likely. But now we're getting a bit more likely. Okay. But, well, I'll say a large asteroid or comet impact. Okay. The reason why it's scary is that we know for a fact that that's a proven planet killer. It did for the... For the old dinosaurs there. Them old dinosaurs. There would be instant continent scale devastation, global firestorms, years of sunlight blocked by dust, collapse of global ecosystems and ocean chemistry disruption. Even survivors of the blast usually die later from the climate collapse. So it can be really slow and brutal. but the good news is is that asteroids and things like that are things that we're keeping an eye on not we not me personally but we're actively sort of on the lookout yeah we yeah in at number one yeah and now it's fairly likely we're keeping a lookout okay and number one let's go in at number one is can I try and guess go on I think you'll get it it's actually quite boring but it's terrifying hang on so it's not so the one that everyone not everyone but the one that I knew about there was was the sun eventually the sun's going to expand yeah yeah but we've got some time we've got some time around but is it just the kind of that something happens to the structure of the earth like there's just a massive earthquake in the core well that of the earth I suppose that would not be space no you're right okay so it's not that oh god Oh, it's not aliens, is it?

1:06:57Most of that was number one. It's not aliens. What is it? It's not aliens. Gamma ray burst. What the fuck? They call that the universe's sniper rifle. Oh, no. A gamma ray burst is one of the most energetic events known to exist. If one occurred close enough and pointed at Earth, the atmosphere chemistry would be... Who's pointing it at Earth, though? Well, we don't know. So it is aliens? No, no, no. Right, okay. It'd be a freak accident. Really freak. Really freak. Gamma ray burst. The atmosphere chemistry would be destroyed in seconds. Sorry. Ozone layer would vanish. Solar radiation would flood the surface of Earth.

1:07:40Mass extinction would likely follow rapidly. Zero warning. These beams travel at the speed of light. If it hits, it's already happened. Zero warning. There's nothing you can do about it. It's super, super unlikely. Wow. But gamma ray bursts happen. Yeah. And when you do sort of consider the vastness and, you know, just random things have to happen and there's so much chance for anything to happen when you're thinking about the whole of the universe. if we get like sniped by one of those gamma ray bursts that's it there's nothing that gamma ray burst and it shows at the speed of light yeah that's rapid isn't it so i went through uh that was that's good i love that that's why you were given free reign yeah yeah but you know this you came up with not one the only thing i'm the one thing i'm really genuinely worried about is the um is that in five billion years time the sun will expand into a red giant right because we have as a species a track record of leaving stuff the last minute we do i know before before covid it was like for years it was like there could possibly be uh some sort of pandemic or something like that we should maybe prepare for that i don't know and i do think we'll get to like a year before the sun expands.

1:09:10We think it will never come up. Do you ever get that thing where you where you check into a hotel and you're excited because you're going to a nice hotel and there's another family and they're checking out at the same time and you think oh look at them their holiday's over and ours is just beginning and then you think we'll never be in that position. Do you know what I mean? That will never happen to me. Yeah and that's humans isn't it? Yeah. I mean human beings still get hangovers. they'll be like oh I won't get a hangover this time you're like no you will and that to me is why we haven't sorted out the planet because it's like well it's you know it's not happening literally this evening if it was happening if it was happening if the end of the world was happening this evening we still wouldn't do it before noon but we get to it at about 2 and we think I reckon we can sort it by 5 and then by 10pm there'll be a panic and it'll be like I've got the fucking kids to bed we should have started earlier I said we should have started earlier and then eventually we would just about manage to solve it at about 2 30 a.m and we'd be like that's late but like is it all right and we just negotiate we had to email the end of the world saying we got it sorry it's late yeah we should have started earlier is this all right and it'd go we do all right fine we just fine it was it was gonna be midnight we just scrape through we just scrape through yeah we'll stop it happening two and at 2 30 a.m when it was gonna happen at midnight and they'll go all right fine yeah and then we'll be like thank god and also we wouldn't learn anything yeah no No, that's what I was about to say.

1:10:35Thank goodness for that. No one will go, well, we've learned a lesson there. No, we've never learned a lesson. We learned nothing. Take what we learned from COVID. We had all these government ministers that were like underfunded. We should have prepared more. And what we've done since COVID is we've closed all those fucking things down. Well, that was annoying. Let's pay even less money to the scientists now because they were irritated. They annoyed us because they were boffins and they were telling us stuff. It was irritating. We've learned nothing. We've learned nothing. Listen, I don't know about you, but I am all fact out.

1:11:04I'm fact out. I am fact out. You've been all right in this, but I've been fucking terrible in this one. It's. You've told me that you didn't notice any difference. When we had a little break there during the podcast, Joe says, I'm really sorry. I'm being really rubbish this episode. I am being rubbish. Honestly, I said, I don't know if this makes you feel any better or not, but I can't tell any difference. I think you've been really good. I was all right at the beginning, then I've tailed off a bit. Well, hold on to your hat, because we've got to film another episode. I know that. I've got quite a good fat for this one, actually.

1:11:32Good. Right, listen, I'm all fact out, Joe. No one likes a fact anyway. What have we learned today? We've learned that, what was your fact, Joe? Oh, we learned that Johnny Cash was the first American to know about Stalin's death. We learned that crows hold a grudge. And we've also learned that the world's ending. So thanks very much for listening or watching, where is. We hope that you've learned something with us. We'll be back next week armed with more facts, chats and crow attacks. Did you come up with that? No. Still good. Don't forget, you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you'd like to get to us.

1:12:14I did like that Would You Rather thing from Sam. Yeah, that was good. I like more of those. Yeah, keep those coming. Email us, hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is 07822 034 330. Or you can follow us on social media at joeandjamespod and you can message us there. and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details. That was a podcast. There we go. We've got another one to do straight after this. Yeah! Jo and James, Facts Up!

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