The Gorgeous Pilanthriform

0:00This message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden University. Set a course for change. Now is the time to make a real change in your life, career, and community. At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W. Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Chev. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc.

0:38Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed. but we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties.

1:19So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C, ZocDoc. I was on a train yesterday. Yeah. I left my coat on a train. I had to run back. Yeah. It was quite stressful, right? Yeah. Because I got off the train. Yeah. I was like, oh shit, I left my coat. I had to run back on the train, get my coat and get back off again before the train left. But in a way quite exhilarating as well. Oh, God, I felt like an action hero. Don't get me wrong. Yeah, absolutely.

1:55Yeah, yeah. You've got to take it when you can. That was what was going on in my head. But it reminded me at the time where Blake, who plays Nelfand the In-Between, is that. Oh, yeah, I remember this. This is his coat. Yeah. Left his coat somewhere, right? So when we were making The In-Betweeners, the guy who produced The In-Betweeners, he lived in one of the Scottish Isles. Yes. The Isle of Skye. Yeah. and one summer I mean you say summer we went up there it didn't fucking feel like summer yeah it did not feel like summer at all we went to the Isle of Skye for a weekend and we went to the local school yeah to we did a screening of the film is that right yeah we did a screening of the film and then we did like a cue and we didn't yeah we didn't just go to a school yeah we always go straight around to the school yeah and then then we were like oh yeah great like to the right nice see ya anyway wait, should we go to the pub now?

2:49And then Blake was like, oh, shit, I've left my coat, right? So he was asking someone, can you get my coat? I don't know what to do about this. But because it was the Isle of Skye and I think about four people lived there or whatever, it was all like, don't worry about it. Like, we'll get your coat back. It'll be fine. Anyway, one of the kids, right, nicked the coat. One of the kids nicked the coat. Not only nicked the coat, what did they do? They started ransoming it. Yeah, no. he um he got in touch with Blake I've got a little bit of dry skin on my lip that's alright

3:27you could have just spat that you swallowed it you swallowed a bit of dry skin I feel like it's still there I think it's gone now I can't see anything I think it's gone now um he got in touch with Blake yeah on Facebook yeah that's right yeah oh I think you might be missing a coat didn't he send a picture as well and he sent a picture and he was like and Blake was like yeah yeah that's great yeah that's my coat and then the guy was like well yeah how much how much how much do you want for it yeah it was amazing he ransomed it he genuinely Blake was well annoyed it was Blake was furious it was amazing yeah that was did he get that coat back though because I can't remember how that story ended all I remember was being around going oh fucking hell some kids ransomed in their coat your coat gutted what are you going to do what are you going to do about that Joe and James.

4:44the more true it is. Yeah. That's it. That's the bar. If it's interesting, then it must be true. We will unpack it, debate it, and probably wander off onto something completely unrelated. And we'll also dig into the weird things that you would like to think are true, but don't want to do any research yourself in a segment that we're calling Facts Check. So we want you to send your facts for us. Our email is hello at joandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is 07822 034 330. And all our socials are at Joe and James pod. Just a friendly reminder. Reminer. Reminer. Ramona. Oh, God. Well, you're a Ramona.

5:33Pretty strong stuff. Yeah.

5:38Sorry. I call them Ramonas. Ramonas. that's what they called they're people that they're people who voted remain right and still and still would have preferred it if we had remained right okay they're sort of people that are sad that we left the EU anyway just a gentle Ramona that you can watch all our episodes on YouTube just search for Joe and James Fact Up and if if I if I may have got distracted and what I just said didn't make any sense well if you were distracted by all the Ramona stuff and like trying to remember what that means and then opening up what you'd have to call a can of worms during the what's meant to be just like parish announcements essentially head to the podcast description for all that important information without me or Joe going mental now let's get fact up that's the last time I'm doing that Lily Ray no I think it's fine it brings joy I think it derails I think it derails what's going on.

6:42I don't think that's what's derailing what's going on. Yeah, there are no rails. I don't know what rails. There's not a network. I think that's one of the few things keeping you on track. Yeah. It's like, yeah. We're just a floating train. Locomotive. Speaking of... Going wherever it wants to go. Anyway, Joe, we've got some admin. We've got some housekeeping. We've got some correspondence here. Yeah, yeah. You guys have been sending in some real fact-up stuff for us to discuss. Yeah. This is, this just says Joe's facial hair. What? Is that right? That's the topic that the weather is about. Yeah, and I'm interested to get into this.

7:17And because this is interesting to me. So can I do this one? Yeah, absolutely. I've not read it. Okay, well, so this is from, and he's put, Guy, but people call me Yug. Oh, I see, because it's Guy backwards. Yes. Nice. Okay, right. And here's the letter. Okay, so this is a real-life case study fact I experimented on myself. In the first episode, Joe was talking about how he can't and will never be able to grow a strong beard. I was. And he's put, I can help. In 2022, I was hairless. It was a really hard time. Not one little hair on my face. I thought I was doomed. It all changed when I discovered a combination of using a beard roller and caffeine shampoo.

8:02What you do is you use the beard roller and then apply the caffeine shampoo on your face and then wash away after a minute. This is a win-win situation. How is it all? Go on. Okay. If Joe tests this hypothesis and it works, brackets, which it will, he will finally be the man his dad never was and destroy his family's curse of no bids. He will break the chain. If it doesn't work, then at least the pod has fact-checked a fact. Good luck. Well, do you know what, man? This feels like a bit of a wind-up. Right. This feels like guys going, I did this. You do it. Let me know how you're getting on. Yeah, I suppose there's no...

8:41What you should do is rub pigeon shit into your face. Yeah. It works for me. Yeah, there's no sort of photographs attached to this. Well, I'm less cynical than you. I think that this... I feel like you did do this. Do you know what a beard roller is? Not really, no. No, so I know what this thing is because I was, until recently, because I'm a bit, I mean, you definitely are. I'm not as bad as you, but I'm a bit of a hypochondriac. Oh, right, yeah. Right? Yeah. And I was just, even though I've got quite thick hair, I was just convinced I was going bald. Oh, right. I was just like, I'm definitely going bald.

9:22Okay, that's good. I'm absolutely definitely going bald. So those roller things are like tiny little needles on a roller. oh it's that i don't know what it i think that's what they're talking about yeah oh oh my goodness oh i see yeah so it's to get yeah your stuff the stuff right into the yeah i think so yeah well i suppose what what just to yeah on my baldness yeah um i actually saw a video uh we were watching old family video it's something that we actually do quite a lot yeah um because we we've got lots of stuff of our boys on our phones and stuff like that and we were watching things from like well over 10 years ago yeah and i looked at my hair and i was like oh my hair looks exactly the same there than it does now yeah and i mean i was going to claire i'm not i'm not going bald am i yeah i think i just always yeah my hairline was just naturally i've never struck me that you have a well i was convinced i was convinced i was going bald and claire was like no you're not no one ever no one ever no one ever said you were going bald no no one's ever said to you So you sort that out.

10:28So you were like, you just decided this yourself one day. And then you were like, good news, Claire. I know you've been worried about it. I'm not going bald. At no point was I worried about it. Yeah. Yeah. And the thing, this, were you putting anything in? Yeah, I was using, um, minoxidil, minoxidil. So it's really just, it's a way of getting this hair growth stuff into your face. I think so, yeah. Instead of your head. But, but also he said caffeine. Caffeine shampoo. Caffeine shampoo. Is caffeine shampoo supposed to make your hair grow? I feel like it's a German thing. Yeah. There's that advert in it with the shampoo.

10:59Yeah, yeah. It's a very simple advert. It's meant to make your hair thicker or something. But I don't, again, I don't, and like I say, I've looked into the baldness thing. I don't understand the science of caffeine shampoo. Well, look, I mean, I have done weird and stupid things before to my body. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't mind doing this. But I, is it like, I don't, I don't think it's wind up. Right. I don't, I'm not sure why caffeine specifically would. I mean, should I, but mate, I don't know whether I just, this is now just part of my. Do hymns. That's what you should do. That's what this, this brand of hair thing is called hymns.

11:42It comes in like a spray. So what you should do is you can do that roller thing and then spray. I feel like that, if any of it's ever going to work. I feel like that would be better than caffeine shampoo. Maybe I can give it a little go on. I can do it on a small patch first. I wouldn't do that. That's worse, isn't it? Oh, yeah. Just have one. That'd be a disaster. Yeah, that's worse, isn't it? Where can I? Could I try it on a bit of my leg or something? Do it on your face. We'll come back to this. Look, Yag, thank you very much. This is real food for thought. I'm going to have a think about whether I'm going to commit to this fully.

12:22And we'll come back to you. The next one, do you want to do this one? I'll do this one. It just says Australian cultural difference. This is from Dylan via email. Dylan says, hey, Joe and James, I've been led to believe all my life that Coca-Cola in Australia is vastly better than many places in the world it's being sold due to the quality of the Australian ingredients that go into it. But I myself have never been outside Australia and haven't been able to test it. But the fact that you two have been here before and currently live in the UK, I'd like your thoughts on, if any, big fan regards, Dylan from Brisbane.

13:04Dylan, you are onto something. You are definitely onto something there. You agree? Yes. Right, okay. Not specifically about Australia. I think that Coca-Cola, ironically, tastes better anywhere else than America. Right. Because America have these – well, if you leave America, most of the food that they eat there is banned anywhere else. Yeah, yeah. Or has to be made in a different way. Yeah, yeah. And a lot of Americans say that Mexican Coca-Cola or the glass bottle Coca-Cola tastes better to them than the Coca-Cola that they're used to. And I think it's because that Coca-Cola, a lot of the time, actual sugar is replaced with corn syrup.

13:57Yeah, okay, yeah. Because America makes loads and loads of corn. Yeah. Right. Yeah. This is the one and only time I'm ever going to say this on this podcast. You might have to fact check me, right? But I assume because corn is such – because they make so much fucking corn in America. Yeah, yeah. And farming and stuff like that. It's such a big part of their GDP or whatever. I don't know. Right? That they just try and find new ways to use corn. Definitely. So if you've got a waste product from your industry that's making no money, you go, what can we make out of this? There must be something. Yeah, and they go, right.

14:38Definitely. I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll ban sugar and make everyone – the government goes, we'll ban sugar and make everyone use corn. Corn syrup, yeah. Not because it's maybe better for you or not because any of that. Just because it will prop up the farming industry, the corn farming industry. It may also be cheaper. I mean, I think – There's that as well. If you're trying to put a drink together, you don't want to pay for the expensive ingredients. You want to get cheaper substitutes. That's why chocolate tastes awful in America. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to sit here slagging America off, especially when it comes to food, because they get a lot of stuff right.

15:11Yeah, absolutely. Good golly. I suppose what I feel about America is that it's got a very, very high ceiling and possibly a very, very low floor. Because it's like there's no, I feel like there is not very much regulation. So there's not many institutions that are going to get in the way of the producer selling whatever they happen to want to put in their thing to the consumer. But at the top end, that's amazing. So it's just a big range. Yeah. But Dylan, I do think there is something in what you're saying, but I don't think it's just Australia. I think it's America v. the rest of the world. Yeah.

15:54Because if you go to like Mexico, for example, They're allowed to use actual sugar cane and it makes the Coca-Cola taste better. Don't know if it's more unhealthy. I'm not sure about that. But I think you're right, Dylan. Yeah. That's a good little fact. Nice one. Was I right about the corn? Yeah, you were both right. So it's US policy for them to use corn. Well, I say it's US policy. It's US policy. They tax other sugars higher, basically. And so corn syrup is one of the cheapest sweeteners to use, essentially. And so, yeah, it's widely used and it is used in American Coca-Cola, yeah. Yeah. Nice one, Dylan.

16:38Cheers for that, mate. Very good. Right. I believe it's now time for our facts. Right. So, James, I have wanted to do a fact episode about dreams. That's right. Because I... When was it, last episode or the episode before you brought that up? A couple ago, maybe. I want to tell a dream. Yeah.

17:03And so my facts about dreams. Go on. Isn't it because you've got a story about dreams? I've got a story about a dream. I had the funniest dream I ever had, which I'm going to come to. Okay. This is a dream I woke up laughing because it was so funny. I've woken up laughing before. I was genuinely laughing. I was like, that is funny. I've woken up laughing. It's so good. I've also woken up screaming, right? Christ. There was one time where both our kids were ill with like flu or something like that. Right. And they didn't want to stay in their own rooms. They wanted to get in mum and dad's bed. Yeah, yeah.

17:41But we couldn't take both of them at the exact same time. Right, okay. So I took one of them with me to the spare room and Claire had the other one. Yeah. So imagine this, right? You're about seven years old. Oh, God. You're already not feeling well. Yeah. You're anxious and worried. Dad can't sleep with you Yeah come on Get in We'll go off to the guest room Don't worry about it Everything will be fine And then I started having a dream I started having a nightmare About a ghost chasing me Right It's not even a It's not even an adult Scary thing You're just like A ghost And I was making these noises In my dream Where I was going I wasn't screaming so much But I was doing this I was going I was making that noise this sort of weird aggressive snorting noise and my son was going Dad, Dad and I wasn't waking up and I was just going

18:39Eventually I did wake up and I went and he was going Dad are you okay? and I was going yeah yeah I was going I was having a nightmare was I making noise of it? he was going yeah and I was going to him mate that must have been terrifying for you I was going, you must have been so scared. Oh, God. And I was like, I'm so fine. I'm just having a nightmare. Oh, God. He was already having a bad night. Oh, Christ. And the person that you turn to for safety and comfort and warmth. Yeah, yeah. He's having to comfort you. He's like, it's all right, Dad. Yeah. Was he sort of going, it wasn't a real ghost.

19:12It was just, it was all in your head. It's all over now. Come on, Dad, get in here. Yeah. Well, that's lovely. but what's your fact sorry Jack I'm going to begin with my fact about dreams so my fact is that there is some evidence that spiders dream amazing spiders have they like put little electrodes on a spider's nervous system there's a spider that has like a see-through head I think maybe the juvenile version of the spider and they can see and like bits of the brain but they don't have a brain do they? they've got a brain I thought insects and arachnids had like a sort of like a nervous system where their brain is all over their body.

19:54Well, yeah, like a nervous, a nervous system, but it's kind of, as I understand it, it's kind of, it's lighting up. It's firing. You can see electrical activity. Yeah, yeah. And they're sort of twitching and stuff. Right. And when they're asleep, and they're like, yeah, they're having dreams. How do you know a spider's asleep? Well, after... They put one of those little Dickensian sort of caps on. Yeah. They've got like a little... I've got one of those. Well, they pop on a little sleep mask. You know. They have like an avocado face mask on and everything. Because they're very conscious about, you know, people calling them ugly.

20:33Absolutely. You know those night shirts? Yes. Traditional buttoned up night shirts. I've got one of those. Have you? Yeah. Right. It cost me quite a lot of money. Right. It's run like a traditional sort of shop in London. Right, okay. And I bought it to annoy Claire. Right. Okay. One day we were getting ready for bed. I was like, I'm going to put my PJs on. Came out in a sort of Scrooge-esque, sort of long shirt, cotton shirt. Well comfy, by the way. Like genuinely really comfortable. I mean, it's, yeah, it is. And then one time we had all of Claire's family. come to stay with us at the same time.

21:20So not only were like all the beds taken, but we had to set up a blow up bed in the living room of the house as well. Right, okay. And I went, I'm going to go and check on your brother, Claire's brother and his wife to make sure they're okay. Yeah, they're all settling. Yeah, yeah. So I put that night show up. And then now they're like, we saw a ghost in James' house. I don't know what you're doing. That is funny. And Claire was going to be, don't, don't come down. Don't, don't do it. I was going, oh, it'd be funny, it'd be funny. She was going, no, they'll think you're a weirdo. I was going, nah, they'll get the joke.

22:00Oh, it's good. I mean, no, I love that. So you can, you can get them and you've got. Oh, absolutely, yeah. Yeah. You can get them, boy. Oh, you can still find them. You can still find them. Are they a bit like, if you want to do a wee, like are they just. Just lift them up. it feels like it's a lot of stuff to it's like you're basically on a dress like yeah yeah yeah all right so sorry the thing is right is I don't stand up to piss yeah okay right so Joe your fact is that spiders dream yes is that what it is yeah they were yes that they they yes they dream and what was your dream that you woke up laughing okay so my dream when I woke up laughing it's the funniest dream Joe has billed this as the funniest dream I billed this as the funniest dream no pressure Yeah, so this was my dream.

22:51I, oh God, I feel like I'm going to fuck out now. So I partly wanted to do dreams because this is the funniest dream I've ever had. So I was watching a sort of film, like an American film, and it was American jeeps or tanks driving through the desert to meet Osama bin Laden. Right. and first of all I remember thinking it's not funny so far no first of all I remember thinking that

23:23they've shot this really badly right because I could tell that they were micro machines right and at one point a fly crawled over it and it was the same size as the jeep right so I was like that's funny I should have cut that out then then the Americans got to the cave right and Osama bin Laden was in there right and he was really really rude to them and at one the way he was rude is at one point he deliberately sneezed in their faces right and they had all his snot down there do you know what man if he if this was real that would that's probably one of the worst things Osama bin Laden it was yeah I know I know that that not that yeah you've gone too far now right You're fucking at it now.

24:14Don't sneeze in our faces. Osama bin Laden. Sneeze on America. Osama bin Laden was wearing. Go on. A set of beautiful silk pyjamas. Right. All covered over with little emblems, which if you looked closely, was a very, very beautiful, bright green octopus creature. Was there more than one? Yeah, so it was like lots of little, so all over, like that was the pattern. So like the equivalent of polka dots, but they were actually tiny little bright green octopi. Right. And he was also holding in his hands a full-size version of whatever this creature was, this beautiful green octopus. He's obsessed with this octopus.

25:13He's obsessed with this octopus. So he's stroking it like Dr. No. He's stroking it like Dr. No. Like Dr. No. Like Dr. No. Yeah, right. And then the Americans left the cave. Yeah. And they were so freaked out by what had happened. Yeah. that they realised that they'd forgotten to ask him anything at all. They hadn't even asked him any questions. They didn't say what was that all about. So they went out, because I think they were supposed to be like, I don't know, negotiating with them or something. They left and they were like, we didn't ask him anything. Yeah. And then a voiceover. He was just playing mind game.

25:48Yeah, yeah. And then a voiceover came on in the dream and it went, and so Osama returned to his lair, cradling the gorgeous pilanthroform.

26:04And pilanthroform was the name of the octopus. And it just made it up. And I was like, oh, the octopus was called pilanthroform. Can I just say that? And I woke up laughing. I was like, that is mental.

26:21Can I just say, when I first said, I've got to do a podcast with Joe because he's insane. He has taken us a little while. It's taken us eight episodes to get to this. We've got to the nub of it now, right? But I did love it. It was just that it had a name and the name was... And the name of the octopus was Palanthraform. And that's why he had him all over his pyjamas.

26:47Because he loved him. That's really weird. And he had his own stuff made and that was... He was all over his pyjamas. That's brilliant. It's a funny dream. It was a funny dream, do you find? It was a funny dream. It was funny. Do you know what, Joe? When you first said I had a dream about someone being loud, and I was like, I'm not sure. No, but no. I'm not sure how funny that is. But you're right. Yeah. It's fucking hilarious. I don't see. So yeah, that's the palantraform dream. Brilliant. That's the best thing I've ever done. Listen, that's merch there, isn't it? Palantraform, yeah. Like a little green octopus.

27:20Was it green? It was green, wasn't it? What was it? Emeralds, didn't it? Emeralds, yes. Emeralds, green. Emerald green. We need to get some emerald green. Emerald green octopus, but beautiful. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. Gorgeous. We need to make some pyjamas. Make some pyjamas. The landform pyjamas. So anyway, that's... As seen on Osama Bin Laden. As seen on Osama Bin Laden. As seen on... Yeah. Yeah. Clothes, model's own. Yeah.

27:50It's time now for fact check, Joe. Yep. I don't know do you know what man that's difficult to well no I mean move on from but it is time for fact check this is the this is where you send in something that feels like a fact to you that you'd like us to confirm because as you can tell me and Joe are of sound mind and we we are the authority on these things yeah so we'll be reading a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of and then we're gonna we're gonna have a little think during the break and we'll come back and let you know whether it's true or not. Just to remind you, the parameter, the rules are, if it feels...

28:33If it pleases us. If it's interesting, then it must be true. Exactly. Joe, I think you've got this week's fact check. Right, here we go. So we are fact-checking this from Matthew. He said, hello, Joe and James. Can I just say, were you trying to find the fact-check there? Yeah, just couldn't find it. Couldn't tell. Couldn't tell at all. It was so good. The way you filled that time, Mike, it was seamless.

29:12such a pro yeah so we are fact checking from Matthew found it from Brian someone whose name is we are very excited very excited to hear from a young man by the name of... Right, go on. All right, so yeah. Okay, go on. So this week's fact check comes from Matthew. Yes. He said, Hello, Joe and James. I need a fact check. Is it true that nearly half of the UK population stand up to wipe their arse? Okay, so it feels like our level at least. Absolutely. So we're... Let's hold off there. Let's go for a quick little ad break and we'll be back to let Matthew know whether that fact is a fact or not.

30:37on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. The more you listen to your kids, the closer you'll be. So we asked kids, what do you want your parents to hear? I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at SoundItOutTogether.org.

31:18That's SoundItOutTogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment or need a dentist and you don't know where to start? We've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed, but we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key. It was on New Year's Day and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation.

31:57ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties. So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C. ZocDoc.

32:23Joe and James Factor Alright we're back Just before the break there Matthew wanted to know Whether it is true or false That nearly half the population UK population Stand up to wipe their arse Now I didn't know this was a thing I think I used to stand up I stood up when I was a toddler Yeah yeah you know after i just learned how to use it yeah i don't know you would i've sat down ever since yeah you know me i sit down i sit down to do everything but my views on this are also that we should be using bidets i don't know why we're so against it like what's like it's far cleaner like i don't understand i've spoken many a time about my obsessive anal hygiene it became a thing when I did Bake Off.

33:19We've both done Bake Off, haven't we? Blake's done it as well. Has he? Has Bird done it? I don't think so. Has Blake done it? I feel like Blake has. But the, what do they call it? The showstopper, right? Yeah. It was make a cake of your favourite place. And I made it of my toilet. Yes. Because I can shut the door. I've got two kids. Yeah. And a wife. And I can shut the door. And I'm just, you know, I'll go through my phone and I'll read things and I'll catch up with stuff. Going for a shit, for me, is an occasion. Honestly, I don't... There's some pageantry about it with me. I don't think there's any shame in that.

33:57And I do think it's a bit of a temple, the toilet, and it's a place of reflection. And it's a break. Yeah, it is. No one can get to you. Exactly. It's the only room where you can legitimately say, I'm locking the door, you can't come in. Yeah. Right. And I feel like talking to you, you'll be a man that might understand what I'm about to say. Cool. Now, I got obsessed with anal hygiene. Yeah. Right. Yeah. If there's one territory on which I will display full understanding. I got to a point where I'd have a shit and I wasn't convinced that I'd wiped enough. No, I think I can. And I was like, honestly, like, it's getting to a point where I was like, getting down to my coccyx.

34:46No, I know. Like, I was like, wiping so much. I know. And I don't think it's very good. And then during the night, I was getting a really, really itchy arsehole. Right? Yeah. So for a while, I was convinced I had worms as well. Yeah. Because that's when they come out is during the night. Yeah. and you scratch i was convinced i had worms i have said this story many a time on other people's podcasts and stuff like that right it was it got to a point where i was didn't think i was clean enough down there i've got worms there's something going on with me uh i was yeah it was a mental thing it was genuinely mental yeah that i went to the doctor and i said i need you to look i need you to look into my ass because i'm freaking out here yeah uh and i was like i think i've got worms or no and then i thought i had piles yeah then he moved on to where i was convinced i had piles yeah yeah and so i went to the doctor and i said you gotta you gotta help me out here like i'm going insane um i need some medicine there's something going on with my bum hole um i've definitely got piles i think i might have worms yeah uh so she it was a woman doctor she looked into looked into my ass and when she went right um where where where do you think you've got piles right she went can you just put your finger on where you think you've got piles yeah and I reached behind me and I couldn't feel anything I was convinced like I'd and I just screamed well I'm sure there was a lump there yesterday right so I just looked like I looked like a really weird man yeah yeah you just kind of just just got into just wanted to get a get a free look yeah yeah but i do sit down but i also do um i do yeah like the bidet what you were saying i do use which yeah flushable wet wipes and they are flushable yeah believe me like yeah they you gotta be careful with them because they're so delicate they're gonna fall apart they do fall apart so they're not gonna block up any or damage any drains or anything like that um but wiping your ass properly yeah and making sure it's all clean down there is something that that is close to my heart.

37:00No, I, well listen. And I included, um, some anus hole, a little sort of, I think I made it out of, um, out of fucking icing sugar or something. A little anus hole wet wipe in my, on my showstopper, uh, yeah. Cake for bake off. Well, I, listen, I, I completely agree. I don't, I did win. Yeah. Yeah. Did you win? I did win. Um, that's, well, I was hoping to fucking... But, I mean, I don't know. I feel like... I was hoping you did. You know, I had Paddy McGinnis on mine. I feel like he wasn't really taking it seriously. Like, he put a plastic tube into one of his bakes, and that's not... Can't eat that.

37:40That's not edible, is it? No. That isn't edible. Can't eat that. But I was convinced that everyone, that once you get to a certain age, that you sit down to wipe your arse in the toilet. I've spoken to friends. Yeah. And they're like, no, you've got to stand up. One of my mates was like, yeah, no, I like to put my foot up on the... toilet there. I don't mind putting a foot up. Really get right in there. Put up's fine. Because basically, but really standing up, you're closing it all up. You're not going to get in there. It's crazy. Yeah, I need to, I need my, I use the toilet. I use, like I lift one cheek up so it can spread the, is this really a podcast?

38:14Is this, is this really, just literally talking about, are we really going to put this up? This is educational. This is educational. I had some stuff to say about shitting as well. And I literally think I've said it before on this podcast. I feel we've been here before. I was talking about how, basically, I don't think it's shameful to say that having a poo is quite pleasurable. And that's an okay thing to say. It's lovely. And I also think I don't really understand why we're so obsessed with the idea that you need to wipe yourself with dry paper. And that's the best way of getting yourself clean.

38:47Have a wash. B-days are out there. I don't know why we sort of seem to look down our noses at them as though they're some kind of weird foreign import. It's much cleaner. Use a bidet or just have a shower. I don't understand it. The thing that people say is if you trod in shit, would you just get some tissue and just wipe the bottom of your soul? Exactly. No, you'd chuck them in the fucking washing machine or something, wouldn't you? Yes, of course you would. Or throw them away. Yeah, absolutely. But I do – but Joe – Is it true that nearly half the UK population is out of the way they're asked?

39:20I do think that's true. I think it's true and I think it's a crying shame. I do think that's true. And, you know, honestly, my heart bleeds. Yeah. Get the B-Day. Let's make the B-Day. They love it in Europe, don't they? And why not? Absolutely. You can't get enough of the B-Day. You go to Europe. They love a B-Day. Just wash it, for heaven's sake. I wanted to make a movement with the Mind the Gap thing. Yeah. That's not caught on, unfortunately. We're eight episodes in now. No, that's not lit a fire. Let's get B-Days. Let's get the Japanese toilets. Yeah. I don't know why we can't have them. Let's get the Japanese toilets.

39:58I want a toilet that sings to me and stuff and all that sort of nonsense. I did go, I did stay at a really posh hotel once and I was like shouting at Claire. I was going, Claire, Claire, you've got to come into the toilet. Yeah. I was like, and she was like, what, what, what, what? I went, heated seats. The toilet seat's heated. How posh is this? That is nice. That is nice. Why is that not just a part of our lives? But yes, I do think half the population does stand up to wipe their ass because I have asked people about it and it has been 50-50. If anything, it's been more. I know more people probably that stand up to wipe their ass than sit down.

40:37They were talking to me like, what? You just sit down? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. Do you want me to confirm or non-confirm with my research? What are you saying? What are you saying, Joe? I'd be interested to know if research has been done yeah let's find out let's throw it over to Lily May okay so there has been research done on this there's been surveys done I'm looking at a research done by Tap Warehouse they did a survey in 2019 and 35.2 % of men stand so that is less than less than half there's still a lot though There's still a third. And slightly lower, only 31 % of women stand.

41:25Right. Well, that's even more surprising because I feel like, you know, women aren't standing to begin with in any event. At least men, you know, maybe they've got some muscle memory of having stood up. But that's nearly half. Nearly half, yeah. 35. Yeah, that's nearly half. 36. 50. Yeah. And that's, yeah. So thank you, Matthew, for that fact. Thank you very much, Matthew. We've confirmed that. If there's something that you'd like us to fact check, head to our episode's description for all the ways to get in touch.

42:07This message is brought to you by today's sponsor, Walden University. Set a course for change. Now is the time to make a real change in your life, career and community. At Walden University, we give you the support and flexibility to get the W. Walden's online programs are designed for working professionals like you. You'll gain hands-on skills to take on real-world challenges and succeed. Your future is waiting, and Walden is here to help you achieve it. Take the first step to make your impact. Visit waldenu.edu. Walden University. Set a course for change. Certified to operate by Shev. This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc.

42:45Have you been putting off a doctor's appointment? or need a dentist and you don't know where to start, we've definitely been there and that's why we use ZocDoc. Actually, over the holidays, Michael had a dental emergency and seemingly every office was closed, but we hopped onto ZocDoc, found an in-network dentist, had great reviews, saw real-time appointments available, which was key, it was on New Year's Day, and booked an appointment in just minutes. It took so much of the stress out of the already stressful situation. ZocDoc makes it easy to search and compare over 250 ,000 local in-network providers across more than 200 specialties.

43:26So you can find the right doctor or dentist and book instantly. Taking care of your health just got easier. Download the ZocDoc app today and book that appointment on your to-do list. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C, ZocDoc. Back to school is busy enough. The last thing you need is shopping that makes it harder. Whether you're moving into a dorm, your first apartment, or just getting organized for the semester, Wayfair makes it easy to get everything you need in one place. Furniture, bedding, storage, decor, study essentials, all at prices you'll love. With fast shipping before move-in day. Get everything you need for back-to-school season.

44:07Shop Wayfair.com today. Wayfair, every style, every home. Joe and James Fact up Now Joe You have a fact for me It's time for my fact I believe And it's not A spooky fact I've just taken that out We don't need to reference that What so ever No because I kept Writing I kept going When I was like Trying to write my fact in I was like God it keeps going back to the Every time I go and try and write something It keeps going back to the other Yeah The old episode Yeah Inside information I'll copy it from the second Previous episode Yeah, for the format. It would be spooky though, wouldn't it, if it kept reverting back?

44:47Oh, the world's first haunted iPad. The world's first haunted podcast. Anyway, Joe. What about haunted podcast? What would that be like? I don't know. It is my fact. And again, I'm just always trying to think outside the box. Yes, yes. Now, you wanted us to do facts about dreams. Yes, yes. So I thought I would do a fact about arguably history's most famous dreamer. Oh, nice. Okay. Joseph and his amazing... Take a cup of drink coat. Is it him? No, it's not. It's not him. No, okay, right. Yeah. No. Okay, I thought it might be. I went with Dr. King. Martin Luther King. Martin Luther King, yes. Yes, yes.

45:32So I've got a little... I've got one... My main fact is just really, really quick. It's just like there's not really any discussion about it. Fine. No problem. So I've just peppered it with little facts as well. No problem. Yep. Yep. So Martin Luther King Jr., he had a dream. Yes. Yep. History's most famous dreamer. Yep. He was born Michael King Jr. Right. After his father. Yeah. Yeah. His father later changed both their names to Martin Luther King. Yes. In honour of the Protestant reformer. Martin Luther. Yes. Martin Luther. and Martin Luther he would have drunken parties and he would he would make jokes and apparently he was a good laugh the original the original Martin Luther yeah yeah okay right yeah apparently he was a right laugh he was a good laugh yeah and he once made a joke that the Pope was the Antichrist yeah do you know about this you must know you're a historian was that a joke or was it like the foundation of no he was just he was having a dinner party and he made jokes about the Pope farting and being an Antichrist and all this he was a good laugh Yeah, yeah.

46:37And then people started selling tankards with the Pope as the devil. Right, yeah, okay. After this sort of famous quip. Because he was after his speech. Okay, right. That's not the fact. Yeah, yeah. Back to Martin Luther King Jr. Yeah. He started college proper smart, if you didn't already think that about Martin Luther King Jr. Yeah, yeah. He started college at the age of 15. Right, okay. And this is college as in like higher education. University, what we'd call it in this country. He won the Nobel Peace Prize at the age of 35, making him the youngest person to receive it at the time. Yeah. This is a throwaway fact for you.

47:17He was a huge fan of the original Star Trek series. Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But this is my interesting fact for you, Joe. Yeah, go on, go on. About the world's history's most famous dreamer, Martin Luther King. Yeah. What was he great at? Speaking, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Despite being a gifted orator, he earned a C in public speaking during his first year at seminary. Right. Wow. There you go. A C. And I don't want to compare myself to Martin Luther King. But, you know. I did get a C in drama for my GCSEs. Interesting. Okay. So I'm sort of, and I took loads of GCSEs. I took about fucking 12 of them.

48:08Did you? Yeah. I think I took about 11, 12 GCSEs. Yeah, they were very numerous, weren't they? I felt like it was a lot. My exam period was really stressful. I was putting like, you know, you have like tiers of stuff. Yeah. I was like putting the top tier, like as if I was fucking smart or something. Well, you are smart. No, I'm not. No, you are. You are. You're very smart. And I think maybe you just didn't like school or something, but you're very intelligent. Well, yeah, well, that's their fault. No, they should have made it more intelligent. They should have made it more interesting. Sorry.

48:44They should have made it so you were actually stimulated by it. Anyway. Anyway, that's my facts for you. Martin Luther King Jr., right? I had a dream. Yeah. That amazing speech. Yeah. So famous. Got a C in public speaking. Got a C in public speaking. But this is the thing. I think I'm quite interested in rhetoric. And I think it's about whether you're saying something that you really, really believe or not. And I think that that kind of... That takes over. Yeah, sort of, yeah. Because I think then it's not even your performing. You're just showing somebody your ideology. You're saying, look, there it is.

49:23I mean, this is what it is. It's fucking there. He was just being him. He was being him. And that was what he believed. And I think the idea that rhetoric is this kind of series of kind of party tricks is completely wrong. I think it's a kind of physical manifestation of an inner ideology. Then you'll be convincing if you're speaking what you believe. That is rhetoric, I think. So rhetoric should really be a process of internal investigation until you're like, who am I? Who am I? And then when you know, then you'll be good at rhetoric. That's what I think it is. I don't think you start with the outside.

49:56I think you start with the inside. I wonder what Hitler got. He was very good. I don't mean he was good at it. People loved him, didn't they? I'll tell you what, they did love him. Because people forget that. People voted for him. He was basically a sort of celebrity. It was like going and seeing a stand-up. He'd go to these beer halls and people were like, what are you doing tonight? I'm going to see Hitler. He's brilliant, honestly. I haven't seen. Oh, come, you'll love him. Yeah. And then I'll tell you what, I was sceptical, but I really liked it. He really roasts the government. He roasts the government.

50:26Yeah, but he was, he was almost like, he got, he was really, really good at getting people really worked up. And like, really like, yeah, yeah, I have been fucked. Yeah. And then, and then that's how you win an election. And then once you won an election, you destroy your country. There we go. There we go. There we go. Right. I don't know about you, Joe, but I'm all fact out. Oh, God. I'm fact out. I'm fact out. I'm fact out. Hand out. What have we learned today, Joe? we learnt that Osama Bin Laden used to have a pet octopus and we learnt that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking despite being an incredible public speaker.

51:07Anyway we hope that you've learned something or at least had a nice time but we'll be back next week armed with more facts chats and wiping shats and don't forget that you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or whatever nonsense you'd like to tell us about by emailing us. Hello. It's a mess, isn't it? It's the worst podcast. Well, you said Fat Check wrong and you just carried on. I thought you were going to go back. I couldn't be arsed. Just go back. I couldn't be arsed. All right. Fair, fair. Okay. Oh, sorry. I can't be arsed. I just don't care.

51:45Oh, no, you can. No, that was fine. No, not him. He can't be arsed. No, just that's... Yeah, no. So if you want us to fact check something that feels true to you, then you can email us. Hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp number is 07822 034 330. Or you can follow us on social media at joeandjamespod. And all that stuff that I just said then is in the description. So you can find it all there. Anyway, that's a little podcast episode for you. We'll be back next week with some more bollocks. Bye. See you later. Bye. Bye. Bye.

52:22The more you listen to your kids, the closer you'll be. So we asked kids, what do you want your parents to hear? I feel sometimes that I'm not listened to. I would just want you to listen to me more often and evaluate situations with me and lead me towards success. Listening is a form of love. Find resources to help you support your kids and their emotional well-being at SoundItOutTogether.org. That's SoundItOutTogether.org. Brought to you by the Ad Council and Pivotal.

53:22today. Car crashes injure over a million of us every year because we're human. For over a decade, Waymo's been building a driver that's safer. Statistically, 10 times safer in the cities we serve. Not because humans aren't enough, but because they're everything. Based on over a 94 % reduction in serious injury or worse crash rates. Learn more at Waymo.com.