The Secret To Being The Perfect Neighbour

0:00I'm Claire Buckley and if your idea of relaxing is listening to seriously unsettling stories before bed, then you are going to love my podcast Pretty Scary. From terrifying true crime, haunting ghost tales, creepy alien encounters and anything weird, it's the stories that leave you staring at the ceiling afterwards questioning absolutely everything. Lock your doors, get comfy and prepare to dive into the darkness. Just search for Pretty Scary with Claire Buckley. thought about buying a lawnmower you've bought a lawnmower thought about it you've thought about it about it make sure you talk to me before you yeah i will do yeah because there's things you need to consider well i'm worried that now my lawn is i don't think you go straight in it'd be like trying to shave off a beard right a regular razor like first it needs to be clippered a bit clippered i did actually cut down a load of stuff out the back of my house you need to get a strimmer first thing i've strimmed yeah i've got a strimmer yeah i did i did a load of strimming actually um there are some stairs that go down from our um uh the back of our house down into the garden quite rickety but also just getting really overgrown like they're only about that what well they're like that they're like man wide man wide man wide and the plants were coming right in so when you had to kind of like it was going it was like going through a tunnel of plants so cut all that back um you could get a gardener in just to get you started i might yeah i might do just to do the first um yeah it's traumatic for the grasses is it yeah well mine's getting towards almost like meadow there's quite a lot of plants there that are probably weeds but i quite like them yeah good for the bees that yeah i mean again it's rewilding isn't it but the paddling pull out it's another thing we got our dog um the paddling pool claire bought it and i went that's not going to last a day.

1:51Yeah. You know what he's like. Yeah. He likes to bite stuff. Yeah. And I don't know what makes it a dog paddling pool. Yeah. Because she was going, no, it's a dog one. It's a special dog one. So they must make it slightly more robust or something. Anyway, we got it. Yes, it probably is that, yeah. He absolutely loved it. Yeah. Couldn't believe his luck. Was jumping in and out of it all day. We had the whole day there. then I woke up the next day and I went oh we should probably get that paddling pool out for the dog again today and Claire went no he's made a hole in it one day well the other thing that happens if you don't deflate a paddling pool at least in my area it wasn't it stays out all night yeah we've done that before and then cats foxes tear into it I banned paddling pools after years of them just because I'd go to Claire you've got to take them in Claire would be like I'm getting in the kids paddling pool and i went well i'm not i can't be bothered to keep taking it in every night yeah so are you gonna i'll take it in every night don't worry don't worry i'll take it in every night and i'm the bad guy yeah just for being just for saying listen i'm not prepared to put in the work here yeah i was being honest it's fine in she didn't take it in either no no so who's the bad guy in that situation claire's i think so yeah and then you end up with a great big looks like a UFO's landed on your grass.

3:16I know. That's what it would have been, the old Britons. They just wouldn't take the paddling pool in. It was aliens, but they came down and they were like, oh, it's hot, isn't it? We got the paddling pools out and the aliens were going, bring it back into the ship every night. And they were going, I'll leave it. We had a paddling pool and we left it out and went on holiday once. And in fact, I purposely left it out I just remembered because there was little tadpoles in it and I was going oh well we can't we can't get rid of this now we can't kill the tadpoles no so I was like oh I can't wait to see what's happened when we get back home and Claire's dad had emptied it and thrown it out and I went oh why'd you do that I was expecting them to have some legs or something by now yeah he went they're mosquitoes you idiot

4:14you went you don't want them you don't want them maturing

4:21does a baby mosquito look like a tadpole like a very tiny one okay like i thought yeah in hindsight now they were definitely yeah now i think about it yeah yeah because even at the time i was going god they're tiny they must have just they're already just hatched or whatever They're going through the flying stage. Oh, can't wait. Yeah. Never saw any frog spawn. No, no. So it all makes sense now. It does sort of make sense, doesn't it? I was going through the paddling pools on the, well, on the B &Q website and Argos, none in stock. Everyone wants to get them at the same time. None in stock. It's the same with super soakers, with water guns.

5:06Oh, yeah, yeah. I do the same. I'd go to my kids it'd be a hot day and I'd go oh should we pop down to the supermarket or something grab some water pistols we'll have a water fire and they're like yeah yeah yeah can't wait all gone yeah all gone I don't think shops really keep much in stock anymore if you go to a stock there's not really anything in them it's post-covid isn't it everything's scarce everything's scarce B &Q didn't have a single puddling pool and also the shelf where they were supposed to be didn't even look like there could ever have been that many there. But I'll tell you what I did in the end.

5:39I went to Argos and there was one paddling pool there. They'd all gone. All of them were gone. They had one in stock and it had a roof. And I was like, well, that's why no one wants that. And it looked like a boat. Right. So you have a thing over the top. I was like, oh, how's that going to, you know, that feels like a... Better for the kids. Keeps them in the shade. They can sit in the pool. But also, I had the last laugh because I bought it. Didn't put the roof on. It's just a separate component. Brilliant. I assumed that it would because we had a previous paddling pool where it had all these bits and pieces like a rocket and a thing here and they were just all part of the structure so you couldn't choose to not have the rocket you couldn't choose to not have so you blew it up and it's when I thought it would go and just all go up over the top not sure at all was there a bit of you that wanted to go back to Argos and say hey everyone that didn't want to buy this paddling pool you're a fucking idiot oh no I've got the one with the roof and I beat you yeah it was brilliant It felt like I'd beat the system.

6:39Also, I should say that it's highly unlikely he's listening, but a Scottish man helped me carry a load of stuff back from Argos to my car. All right. And it was just a nice thing for him to do. And it supports my sort of ongoing theory that Scottish people are nice. I think they're generally a bit more helpful. I like to think so. Yeah. I was carrying my daughter and also had the Paddling pool. That was fine. but then I also had bought a parasol. Again, last one I had. Didn't even use it at the end. Right. And a base. So the base is just a massive bit of iron. Oh my God. Anyway, this bloke said, can I help?

7:17So I just gave him the base with a parasol. It's like, fuck hell. And then he was like, have you parked nearby? I was like, not really. Anyway, it was very nice because I actually don't know how I would have got back otherwise. So it was, I was going to have to sacrifice one of the three items or the child. I think it's probably going to be the child. I said, well, I've got the Hannah good news and bad news. It's probably the, out of everything, it's probably the least thing that someone's going to nick, to be honest. Yeah. I mean, you know, the joke's on them if they nick her because she takes a lot of looking after her.

7:49I just say, like, to Claire all the time, I was like, we don't have to worry about our kids getting kidnapped. They'll bring them back. Yeah. Yeah. Just go fucking... Please, can I... Yeah, don't worry about it. Yeah, I know. Like, I reckon four or five hours would have just... No, speaking of carrying stuff, I've got two bags of soil, like plant pot soil in my garage. Okay. Had it for, I want to say five years. Okay. Don't know how I got it in my garage, but I've been clearing out my garage recently. Okay, so you got it in, but you don't want to get it out. I cannot lift the fucking thing. I cannot lift it.

8:32You used to be much stronger. I wouldn't have been that strong. I don't know how I did it. What else is in there? A load of anvils, a big granite sphere. No, but I was like, I've got to get, like, I've been doing trips, weekly trips to the dump. I was like, I've got to get rid of it today. I've got to get this. Surely I can move it. And I started, like, pushing it along the floor towards my car. Right. and then I was like if I can push it along the floor towards my car then maybe I could just do one big lift into the boot and then I was like if you can push what the fuck am I going to do when I get to the tip just be in the car just drive the car I mean like I can't no because you have to like go up steps and go up to beans and stuff and you've got to also yeah then get it over the thing yeah it is a bit like if you're going to do steps keep the steps going until we can actually because you get to step and you're still like yeah and so so I just pushed it back to where it was okay okay and I I called my I called my mate up who's got a van okay he's coming around on Saturday I said you're gonna have to help me I said I can pretty much do everything to be honest with you I just it's just and the bag is about this big it's not even a big thing I just cannot shift it I can't get rid of it have you seen I basically called up a man yeah have you seen the film The Great Escape Yes.

10:01Because there's a little method there. Put it in my trousers. Put it in your trousers. Put it in my pockets and then...

10:10I don't know what they do. They look very chipper, don't they? There's a sense that they're kind of really getting one over the Germans. Is this the second time we spoke about Great Escape? It might be, yeah. Because I'm still confused as to why it's a Christmas film. Long. I think my answer was long. Because you've got time to watch it. Right, that was it, yeah. I consider Jurassic Park a Christmas film. But I don't... I think John Williams to me is always Christmas, no matter what's going on. There's just something. I saw a thing. You know when we did that three-second thing the other day? Oh, that, yeah.

10:37And I really, for a split second, I felt really good. I was like, oh, my God. That was amazing. It was a cruel trick. It was. From Lily May. I got tricked on Instagram. Someone tricked me on Instagram because it just came up and it was just this bloke and he said, can you name this film in three seconds? And then it clipped to Jurassic Park. and straight away I went to Jurassic Park. But the joke is that he goes, the clip is just him going, welcome to Jurassic Park. And I was like, oh, that's the joke. Oh, that's annoying. But you got it before he said it. I did, yeah. In a way, like that's, you know, the joke's on him.

11:15What's his name? Hannah. What's his name? The bloke that owns the park? Not owns it. Oh, yeah, John Hammond. Hammond, that's it, yeah. Hammond, he's going to, it's when he goes, welcome to Jurassic Park. Oh, don't worry. I know my way around the kitchen. Yeah. Yeah. There's loads of continuity errors in that scene. Are there? Oh, is it the champagne? Yeah, they have different glasses and stuff. And at one second, it's in one person's hand. And then it's back in his hand and things like that. It's funny with continuity errors. I think his cloth changes colour. Does it? At some point, yeah. It is funny because they spend all that money.

11:50Well, do you know what's funny about it, Joe? Yeah. Is that when we're doing something shit like the Inbetweeners, which doesn't have any fucking money spent on it at all, whatsoever everything's done on the cheap yeah and we have continuity up our arses all the time no remember you hold that and you took a bite after this line oh and it's like right we've got to do it again oh god when you when you realize when you realize you committed to something and you're like that was the first thing i don't know what the fuck i was doing i never eat i never eat don't do anything never eat in a scene but i've ended up having to commit to like pauses that i've put in where i was like that was a shit performance don't make me go back to that There's that outtake in Extras.

12:28It's always on YouTube. It's like a montage of... I have one of those ones. All the montage of Gervais and Merchant across the desk in his office are brilliant. All the outtakes from that are absolutely brilliant. They keep doing this thing where Merchant takes a big gulp of coffee and sort of just goes... And then Gervais just keeps laughing and ruining the take. so he spits the tea and he goes well I'm going to be full of tea if I have to and then he's going you're not going to just drink that again are you and he's going yeah what's the point with that he's going get him a new tea that's disgusting it is revolting I had a scene where I had to eat a load of brownies instead of sick on Carly's brother and I was just I just sat I'm just eating and they were like do you want a bucket and I thought I'm not come on I'm not spitting food into a bucket I'm quite I've got I've always had a little I'd rather like death before that honestly I've always had a little sensitive tummy anyway.

13:26I always get like the stuff where in the show we throw up. Yeah. Be like they then throw up. That would be in the script every other episode. Yeah, there's a lot of them. And I would just throw up because the sound of people throwing up, me pretending to throw up, it would make me throw up. I remember I did it in the Outback. Then I drink some washer fluid or something in the Outback. Oh, yeah. And I had to gag. and then the ritual of me gagging my stomach goes oh god we're being sick now I better throw up then I remember there was a horrible scene in the tent in the last episode the third series where I lost track of which character was not was being sick and which person was just being sick just cold big soup oh Christ it would be just before action you'd be lying in your sleeping bag and they'd be like right get the big soup in out of the tin.

14:23Everything's just a bit grim. Yeah, it was. Or it'd be out of one of those foam cups. And there was something about the soft edge of the foam cup. Well, they got banned from set, didn't they? Because Morris has got that phobia of polystyrene. Oh yeah, he didn't like the... It's the noise of it and stuff. It's like with peach skin or something. Because I remember when I... Really cruel, now that I think back to it. But if I found some polystyrene. Oh, yeah. I would just go up to him and start squeaking next to him and he'd go, oh, no. Oh, God. And then when I went, so I went from the in-betweeners.

14:59I made a TV show in America a few years afterwards and I was just, I was literally walking around. I was talking to one of the producers and I was just going, how much are you spending an episode? He's like, we're about 1.2, between 1.2, 1.4 an episode. I went, give me an extra 250 every episode 250 grand and i'll save you a million right i was just going this is all unnecessary this is not this is now this is now we did it it's big soup just cans of big soup yeah like the food the food alone is all these gourmet meals and all these special incredible chefs and the table craft services they call it it's just constant all the time it's a never-ending like and it's not lunchtime i remember i had a you can just kind of get whatever you want at any time they were like yeah they were like oh it's 11 o 'clock um let's have a break let's have a like a snack break or whatever and um they were like oh they've got um gyros or something right i think that's what they were saying or gyros or something yeah they were going gyros gyros i'm not sure how you pronounce it yeah i went it's a kebab yeah that's a don of kebab you have that at two o 'clock in the morning when you pissed out your nut don't have it at 11 o 'clock while we still got another 12 hours to do and everything's unionized everything's got rules i had to do one thing because america always seems to me as as a not particularly unionized country apart from in our industry where it seems like it i had to do i had to do a thing where i had to do not a stunt I had to get pushed over.

16:39And I wanted to make sure it looked real. And I said to the director, oh, can I watch that back just so I can see? And the director was British. Right. I said, oh, can I watch that back just so I can see what I can look like and see if I need to make any changes or anything? And she went, oh, no, we've not hired a playback guy, so we can't. I went, oh, yeah. I went, yeah, yeah. No, but can I just let me see it? And she went, no, no, I'm being serious. If we need playback, we need to hire someone to play it back for us. And we've not hired anyone. And I was like, but you can just press rewind. And he's like, yeah, that's someone's job.

17:24If we do that, then we're breaking union rules. Yeah. I was just going, no, that's not how we do it on the in-betweeners. Yeah. That's not how we do it. No. I mean, no, that does seem a bit silly. Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Joe and James, Facts Up! Welcome to Jurassic Park. No, welcome to Joe and James Facts Up. I wish. Imagine if it was Jurassic Park. Yeah. A podcast loosely about facts, but is more about the chats. Good. Yeah. We're starting to lean into that. We always knew. How about the world up, James? Oh, that was amazing, wasn't it? Oh, my God. Do you remember what happened in the final?

18:05Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don't think they'll be talking to each other ever again. Tense, isn't it? Unbelievable. Listen, if you... I thought actually that guy was a... I thought that he went a bit far. Well, passion, isn't it? It's in the heat of the moment. I know. If you guys would like to get in touch with us, our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com. Our WhatsApp is 07822034330. And you can follow us on our socials, at joeandjamespod. And you can watch all our episodes in full on YouTube and Apple Podcasts, right? Just search for Joe and James Fact Up. Obviously. now let's get fact up

18:47hi my name's alice de green okay you're gonna say your name or just have a massive pause oh god that was revile my name's rachel yeah stomachs it's a podcast that we make it's called don't think so somehow and all we do is bicker it's largely pointless we don't really get on or even enjoyed doing it i got id for alcohol the other day you're joking yeah in leeds that's mad it's like id and judy dench this might just be a podcast for you don't think so somehow every time i get a message saying i'm loving the new podcast i'm like why why like oh dear um before we do get into it joe i want to do another little um what's becoming a regular feature trying to think of a title for it but it's basically people from the in-betweeners that have just become more successful than us yeah yeah it's fucking lloyd hughes in the new spielberg film disclosure not not is he that's annoyed me so yeah there should be there should be an embargo it should be like they're not allowed to work again.

20:01Well, come to me first and then if I can't do it, then go to Donovan or whatever. I know. You know, what's next? We're going to see fucking Miles turning up. He wasn't even a character in the show. He didn't even have any lines, did he? Do you remember Miles? I feel like this is against union rules. The little blonde fella. Do you remember him? I remember him. Yeah. Was he just in there to be like, look weird? He was an extra but everyone loved him so much and he got like, he then got, his character got, I think his name was just Miles. Yeah, I think it might have been. And then it was just like, oh, we can get Miles in this scene.

20:35Yeah. Yeah, he was just called Miles, wasn't he? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. And he's one of the people who have the badges on, saying, hello, my name is Will. Hello, my name is. Yeah. So it's all the other losers, basically, in Will's first day where he's put in. Yeah. I feel like, is it one of the only other instances of the blazer would have been in that that none of them wear the blazer basically Will wears a totally different school uniform to everyone else he's not he goes to a different school they go to I don't know sort of like Hackney Academy but he goes to Eton basically that's the that's the rules of the but yeah bloody Donovan's turned up in a spillboard well again if we're going to say if we're saying people we're here I am in a union and I think the reason I'm in the union is so that I shouldn't I should get first I feel more sorry for you Yeah, so do I.

21:27Because you're a nice guy and everything. I maybe don't deserve... I'm a piece of shit. I don't really deserve the good stuff. No, listen, solidarity. We'll start a union. Have you ever thought that maybe I'm keeping you down? Maybe that you're associated with me too much? No. And it's like, oh no, it's... No, I'm going to start a union and it's going to be just me, you and the other two. Right. And our policy is no one, no more giving a... giving no more handouts to other members of the Inbetweeners cast unless all four of us... We get first refusal. ...have in writing said, we don't want this.

22:08Yeah. Feel free to offer it to another member of the cast. Absolutely. Yeah, that's fair enough, isn't it? One of the supporting actors. Yeah, that's fair enough, isn't it? That's funny. He wasn't one of the main four in the Inbetweeners. Yeah, he'll be good enough, for disclosure. Unbelievable. Good luck to Spielberg. I was watching old Theo as well. Bark and Biggs Yeah In SAS Rogue Heroes I find it quite weird That people do Other jobs Genuinely I've I can't I don't get it You do one thing You do one thing Then you do a podcast And you talk about it Yeah What are they doing? What is it We're retired We're retired Retire Do the decent thing 30 Retire Also Theo Retire Theo Bark and Biggs Right he's not He's not Richard in SAS Rogue Heroes.

22:57He's playing a completely different character. I don't understand how... And I've had job offers. I've had, like, job offers come to me, and I keep going, oh, this character's not called Jay. Yeah. You've given me a different character. Yeah. I don't know what you want me to do with that, mate. Yeah. No, I have scripture. I'm like, I personally wouldn't do any of that. Yeah. I wouldn't do that. Yeah. So what... It's like, oh, in this scene, they take drugs, and I go, oh, I don't do drugs. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I have stuff. I'm like, yeah, I don't live in Devon. Do you know what I mean? I wouldn't be in that pub.

23:30I'm not from that part of England. Do you know what I mean? That wouldn't be that. It's not like, I don't know who any of those people are. What are we doing? Joe's getting his big bag out. Yeah. Well, I was just going to say to you, we've been very occupied with the world up in recent weeks. Yeah. We decided to do a mailbag special so we can all have a catch up. Yeah. And get around to your burning questions and messages. So let's, should we do one? Yeah. Well, this one has been subtitled Baguette or Naan. And this is JD via the FactUp email. Hello, JD. Does that mean you just emailed us? Yes.

24:06To our email address? Yeah. We haven't got like our version of Gmail or something. No, we've got hello at joandjamespod.com. So we've got an email address? Yeah. Okay. You know that. No, I know we have. I just didn't wonder whether we'd set up our own. So Joe and James. It was unlikely. Joe and James mail. Joe and James mail. JJ mail. Should we set up our own social network? Yeah. I don't know, man. Nah. Not evil enough. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Hi, Joe and James. Not really a fact, but an important debate nonetheless. Which do you reckon you could throw farther? A baguette or a naan bread? Naan. I love the pod, JD.

24:41You say naan straight away. Yeah, I'd frisbee it. But I think, well, maybe you could jab them in a baguette. And I think... I think there'd be less resistance on a naan if you frisbeed it. Should we go out and throw one over the roof right now? That's the real quiz One and a two and a three and a four Oh yes, looking good Did it come over? Yeah, it came right past me It came right past me Oh yes Life Life Life Like Springsteen, born to run Now, now, now, now

25:23So, I reckon, I think it's probably naan, but I'm going to maybe say, are there any other breads that could go even... I mean, I think a naan is actually probably, if you were going to design a bread to be thrown. Like if I had a mate in prison who was trying to get some bread. You want to get some bread to your mate in prison. That's right. You need to get it over the wall. It's just bread. There's no jugs in it. No, it's just bread. On this occasion, it is just bread. that's what you would do as well yeah if like bread was a code word yeah i would actually your mate was like joe you gotta get some bread to me yeah because otherwise i'm dead mate yeah all right so if you can get some bread out of the wall bread yeah you know what i'm talking about i know your bread yeah yeah of course i mean are you joking of course i know what bread is yeah i mean i wasn't born yesterday i wasn't born yesterday i know what bread is i'll be on the south wall okay six o 'clock no problem can i just say if you want the bread if you want bread you've come to the right person because i've i've actually got loads of different places i can get bread yeah but if it was real bread i would choose a nun okay and but do you think there's any i mean i'm gonna i suppose i'll maybe say do you think there's any breads that might actually be even better because i'm thinking maybe something like a hot cross bun and if i think it would stick to your hand on release the hot cross bun is what you use to escape from prison you're like yeah

26:50yeah you'd rub a hot cross bun all over your hands yeah and then scale the wall that's right going on going on thanks jd um we've got another one here from katie it's uh via fact up whatsapp uh katie says hi joe and james no we have we launched our own no no okay so we've just got I've got a phone number. Okay. This one is for Joe. After hearing about how much time you spend at the zoo, I thought you might like to know a fact from my time working there as a face painter. Oh, my God. I mean, she might literally have... Anyway, yeah. Katie, do you know her? Katie the face painter? I mean, we've gone to the face painting place many times, but...

27:27Katie paints faces. I don't know whether we overlapped. Whilst painting a child's face as the Hulk and making them cry because it was too realistic, a siren started going off across the whole zoo with an announcement that a gorilla had escaped and everyone should make their way to the cafe immediately where they'd put it on lockdown for fear of being taken down by a silverback on the way to the cafe i decided to lock myself in the small shed we used for keeping the face painting equipment and waited there i later heard that the gorilla hadn't hurt anyone it made its way straight to a nearby staff kitchen and drank three litres of undiluted orange squash.

28:05Bloody hell. And then came quietly. Yeah, he was probably all queasy, wasn't he? Yeah. That's incredible. Well, first of all, I'm slightly alarmed that... How did that happen? Zoos, man. They're wild animals at the end of the day. Is there a gorilla at London Zoo? There's loads of gorillas. And I really like them. I think in a way it makes it a little bit more, I think they should let them out occasionally. I'm a gorilla in London Zoo. Did you have a nice thing there? I'm a gorilla. I'm a gorilla. I'm an alien. Don't drink orange squash with water, my dear. Just give me three litres neat. I will be in the nearby staff kitchen I'm a gorilla in London Zoo I think they should let him out a little bit First of all, what the fuck?

29:07How's a gorilla escaping? That's one of the really dangerous They're really dangerous Don't take water with my squash, my dear

29:19We're in a weird mood today, aren't we? So you better lock yourself in the face painting shed. It feels like the beginning of a film somehow. It feels like the face painting is quite a nice little, it's quite a protagonist energy being the face painting person. Do you know what I mean? Like they'd be, basically what I'm saying is in the film, the gorilla kills everyone, apart from the person who paints faces. Because she paints herself as a gorilla. Yeah, that's right. We shouldn't be talking about this now because that is fucking, But then what happened is that - That's a million dollar idea.

29:54I think the gorilla then does fall in love with KT. Yeah. And - Well, that's where the sex comes in. Then she does - Because you've always got to have a steamy sex scene in the film. And it's not like, it's tasteful. Yeah. Also, it'd be - I mean, it's raunchy. It'd be raunchy, yeah. It'd be hot. But it's tasteful. Yeah. We'll get that Harambay, or whatever his name is. And we'll get an intimacy - I'm always thinking - Harambe, yeah. Who's - Is Harambay a famous gorilla? He's like really sexy. Women started swooning over this gorilla. He was shot. He's been shot. He's been shot. Can everyone stop getting shot?

30:28Oh, my God. Oh, right. He's got quite a human bum. It's quite... The cheeks are quite pronounced. Pilkington would disagree. What does he say? He's like, we're 98 % genetically similar to chimpanzee. Well, that's the arse.

30:48Only 2%. We only have 2 % difference. Well, that's the arse.

30:55oh that's a great story amazing story thanks for that katie i've got quite a lot of questions uh in response to that but i'm sure they've dealt with them i'm sure the zoo knows what well you say the zoo knows what it's doing but usually the zoo is run by other human beings yeah we make mistakes all the time don't we certainly do yeah let's not think about it Hey, Joe, it is time for fact check. This is the part of the episode where you send us a fact or a question that you'd like us to get to the bottom of. Paranbe's bottom. And then we're going to have a good little think during the ad break.

31:34We'll come back and let you know how true it feels to us and to decide whether it passes our fact check. Okay, so this week's fact check comes from Harvey, who sent in a message. Through what? It's just written down. I'm going to read it out. Oh, okay. Okay. Hi all. I'm really enjoying listening to the podcast, so keep up all the good work. Thank you. It brings a smile to my face, whatever mood I'm in, and makes me laugh all of the time. That's a nice thing to say. I'm not actually sure if this is true or not, but I've heard that if you lay on your back with your legs in the air for long enough, the blood will run down from your legs into your penis and make it erect.

32:12Again, I'm not sure whether it's true or not, but it would be hilarious to hear you discuss it on the podcast. well that you're in luck well hang on keen to listen to the next episode harvey let's have a little break and then we'll be back with what our thoughts this summer wherever you go take your favorite podcasts with you have you listened to life with nat yet it feels like you're having a cuppa with natalie cassidy i am hooked on british murders i listen to one and then before i know it I've listened to three. Oh, I know. The cases are so gripping. Sarah Cox has had me howling with laughter on the Teen Commandments.

32:53I've never felt prouder to be an embarrassing parent. Wherever summer takes you, hit follow on your favourite podcasts and search Audio Always on Amazon Music to discover your next favourite listen.

33:07And we're back. We were just fact-checking on behalf of Harvey, who wanted to know if you lay on your back with your legs in the air for long enough, the blood will run down from your legs into your penis and make it erect. Now, I think we could do a two-pronged attack on this one, Joe. We can give our initial thoughts right now. Yeah. And then maybe we could go away. And see if it works. And test it. Okay. It doesn't seem like it'd be a difficult thing to test. I can't. I can think of other things happening if I put my legs in the air. I think my legs would just get pins and needles. Yeah. I also feel like if we're using gravity with our blood circulation, we are kind of, that's kind of the point, isn't it?

33:50Like that would be a problem, wouldn't it? Because there'd never be any blood in your head because it'd all be just down in your shoes. Yeah. Also, yeah. Well, you do lift things above your heart, don't you, to stop the blood flow from getting to them? Well, yeah. Of course, in Cub Scouts, if you have got a wound, elevate it. Yeah. So, yeah, I mean, the heart has to work harder. I just think that you'd always have an erection. Like, if you're standing up, the penis is lower than the heart. If we're talking about gravity and blood flow. There's already, yeah. Blood flow? Yeah. Blood flow. Yeah, you're right.

34:29If gravity is to do with it, then you're not even necessarily helping matters by lying down and putting your legs up. And your toes would be like blown up johnnies or something. If this was true, then it would be almost impossible not to have an erection. No, I wouldn't be blown up johnnies. Could have gone with water balloons. That's right. For want of a better word. For want of a better word. The only way to not have an erection would be to get your penis higher than every other part of your body. Yeah. So you would have to be hoisted up via the penis.

35:08it'd be very difficult to lose an erection wouldn't it yeah like get it up there get that penis up do you reckon they do things like that in medieval times they might i bet they did all sorts yeah medieval torture stuff hang him yeah by the penis yeah oh they did a lot they did do a lot of weird stuff they were obsessed with torture they really really sadistic do you know that big metal boot that the French used to use? No. They would put both your feet wedged in this big metal boot and then fill the boot up with lead, molten lead. What? Why? Yeah. So you were just stuck in a boot forever? Yeah.

35:48Well, no, but... Oh, you died from the lead. So, yeah. I don't know. Of course, the lead would kill you. Incredibly painful. Yeah. I know. It's really horrible than to do really. They had all those little bloody cages with spikes in them and stuff. Oh, Iron Maidens. I read a thing and they used to do a thing in Roman times where they'd just put you in a big sarcophagus and they'd pour in like loads of like honey and stuff. So basically just flies and things would get in and you'd be basically eaten and alive by these small... Really slowly. I don't know what... I don't know why they were doing all that and if you really there's a book called The Better Angels of Our Nature by Steven Pinker and he talks about how one of the things that happened in the Enlightenment was that they were like should we maybe stop just appallingly torturing people quite regularly and they sort of did stop and he's not sure why they did it but he thinks that one of the reasons they might have done it is that people became better at using their imaginations to imagine that they were the other person.

37:02He was like, empathy. But he was like, there were a lot more novels written at this time. And actually what was happening with novels is people were going, oh my God, it's like, I've just read something. And it was like, I was sort of rooting for this person who wasn't me. And it was like, I was them. And even though the bad thing hadn't happened to me, I felt sad even though it happened to them. And he genuinely thinks it might have something to do with that. But kind of in a way, imagine not having empathy. because then you probably would put lead in feet and stuff. Yeah. Because you'd be like, well, who cares?

37:31But I'm going to go, I'm going to say it's not fact for now. But I will go and check. Are we honestly going to go and check? How long do we have to live? Two minutes? I don't know. Did he say two? He didn't say two minutes. I know you said two minutes. No, you've got to. He's given them. God, Jesus, Joe. I'm not going to get an erection in two minutes. I can't get an erection in two minutes in the best case scenario.

37:56I don't know where my legs are. You're going to have to give me a bit more time. I mean, do you want to go and try and do it? I mean, it's not going to happen, is it? I'll give it a go. All right. Well, should we do two minutes? I think I'm going to go. I'm going to aim for 10 minutes. I think we're a bit pressed for time today. No, I mean, I'm going to go home and do it. I'll go home and do it. I'm not going to sit here and get an erection in front of everyone. I don't know. I thought you meant you'd go in the corridor or something. I just thought it was going to be very good for the podcast because they've just been empty chairs.

38:26No, I knew you didn't mean do it now, but at first I thought you did. And then I realised you probably meant go out. But then actually you didn't mean that. So I say I realised. I'll do it during the week at some point. Fine, I'll try during the week. Okay, fine. Well, in that case, the world's our oyster. What do you want to do, a full day? Well, we'll see. Okay, we'll see how we go. We'll see how we go. Harvey, we'll get back to you on that one. Harvey. We'll do the research. The best we can offer you, Harvey, is probably it hasn't happened yet. We'll come back and say we did do it. Maybe we just didn't do it for long enough.

38:50Right. If you'd like a fact for us to check, head to the episode's description for all the ways to get in touch. Should we get back into our correspondence, Joe? Yeah. Well, this is great. So we've got a would you rather here. This is Ryan. I don't like would you rathers. No? I think it's the lowest form of conversation. Would you rather have a fact or a would you rather? because it's always like would you rather this really shit thing or this really shit i know and i do i do whenever someone says that to me i go i don't care you pick they're both really shit would you right so this is the would you rather this is from ryan would you rather have to speak in rhyme for the rest of your life or only be able to speak in riddles

39:37rhyme i like both i'll be honest this is actually not they're both shit they're both good so what he's really saying is would you rather have to live without rhyme or live without What if you're Rumpelstiltskin? Because I feel like all he did was rhyme and riddles constantly. I mean, I haven't read this book for 35 years, right? But I'm going off a memory of the Rumpelstiltskin story. There's some bird, right? And she's involved with the king somehow. Yeah. And he, there's a rumour that she can, that she can. Rumour gets round. There's a rumour that gets round that she can spin straw into gold.

40:23Okay. So she can put straw on a spinning thing and what comes out the other end is gold. Yeah. And the king's like, right, get her in. Yeah. And then he's like, if she don't start spinning any gold, I'll stick her feet in a boot or something, right? So she's panicking. She gets locked up in a little room with a spinning wheel and a load of straw. And she's like, I can't fucking spin straw into gold. That's nuts. Why does anyone even fucking believe that? Bloody rumours. Then a little fella turns up at the window. He's like, I can help you. I can spin the straw into gold she's like that would be amazing if you could do that that would be really great and he starts asking favours of her back, nothing weird but and after I think the third time he comes back or something he's like oh you need me to do this gold again because she's like yeah every time you do it the geezer wants more this is getting a bit much and he goes right Tell you what, I'll do it for you one last time, but you must promise me your firstborn child.

41:35And she goes, yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. Yeah. Anyway, she spins the gold, King's happy. She then goes off and lives her life, forgets all about the little guy. Yeah. And then she has a baby. Yeah. Who comes out of the woodwork. Yeah. Old, well, we don't know his name at the moment. No, no. And he goes, right, you need to give me your first bomb. That was the deal. She was like, shit, that was the deal, wasn't it? He goes, well, I'll do you an extra deal. You've got till noon tomorrow. And if you can tell me my name, I'll let you off. She goes, right. And she doesn't know his name. No one knows his name.

42:17But then he's off and he's singing a little song. He starts singing a little song and it ends with something like, and my name's run, full steel, skin. and somebody overhears it and it gets back to the woman and then he goes, right, it's noon, what's my name? And she goes, I know your name, it's Rumpelstiltskin. And he gets so angry that he smashes his foot through the floor. And that's the end of the story. That's the end? Yeah. It's a concrete floor and he smashes his foot through it. Stone floor. Stone floor. Yeah. Oh, my God, yeah. That's the story of Rumpelstiltskin. It's hard to know what the moral of that story is.

42:49That's the kind of stories, bedtime stories that were read to me as a kid. Yeah. follow people around they might sing you what you need to know yeah yeah how did we get onto this well we got onto it because it was would you speak in rhyme or riddles oh yeah so um um right rhyme i've gone i'm going rhyme it'd be good for if you wanted to be a musician i suppose a lyricist because they'd be like oh can you make some lyrics up um here's what i want to say but it doesn't really rhyme you go yeah yeah they'd go like um uh uh i want to run something with like i've got the feeling and you go something to his ceiling yeah yeah yeah just touch the ceiling yeah um like they go i want something about like putting your hands in the air yeah so just something about how you don't care yeah yeah i it's always always the same feeling is always with ceiling across the board across the board it's the only one there is I would go straight to the Black Eyed Peas and say I'll help you out guys instead of just saying I've got a feeling that tonight's going to be a good night tonight's going to be a good night tonight's going to be a good good night yeah why don't we try and add a rhyme in there somewhere I've got a feeling that I'm going to paint in the ceiling yeah yeah and well riddles is I mean what's a good riddle I don't know.

44:16I was talking to my brother and my sister-in-law recently about not understanding riddles. Not really riddles, but more like sort of those phrases. A man came into town on a horse. Yeah, well, that's a good example of a riddle. And then he came in on Monday, but he left on – No, he came in on Monday. He came in on Monday, stayed at day and left on Friday. No, he came in on Monday, stayed three days, robbed a bank, and left on Monday. How is that possible? Monday was a name of his horse. Monday was a name of his horse. A lot of names. Well done. A lot of things were names. Aren't you clever? Yeah.

44:56Also, Monday's not a good name for a horse, so well done. Yeah. There's another riddle. I remember getting told a riddle of this as a kid, and this tells you how far we've come, just from when I was a child. Yeah. You know, in the 90s. Yeah. There was one riddle that a teacher, what was his name? I can't remember his name. Anyway, he was like, he was really proud of this riddle. He was like, there was a father and a son in a car crash. Oh, yeah. I know what it was. And the father, and they're both, and the boy gets taken to the hospital, and the father's unconscious. And the doctor goes, I can't operate on this child.

45:37It's my son. and the big riddle was Doctor was a woman Doctor was a woman yeah I know I know and people have been racking their brains for like years they'll be like what is it I can't help who is this bloke believe it or not the surgeon was a woman it was his mum what did we say rhyme I'm going rhyme rhyme I'm saying riddles okay alright okay alright riddles okay that's it i don't know how much you can get out of a what would you rather it's i really like that a big discussion

46:18um let's move on let's move on keith it is a big discussion keith has sent us a whatsapp message his message is called trying to run something with discussion his message is called cheese beats uh keith says hey joe and james i wanted to share something i've heard cheese tastes better when it has previously listened to hip-hop. Oh, what are we doing? No, we asked for this. I know. I appreciate this might sound niche. No, that wasn't the first thing. It doesn't sound niche. Oh, God, it goes on. And I have, in fact, taken the day off work to properly study. Incredible. What is your job? What do you do?

46:59Do you know what he was as well? He's genuinely head of the Navy. I've placed a pack of Emmental in an empty fridge with my JBL speaker. playing a tribe called Quest on loop for the past three hours. The results are still preliminary, but the energy in there feels promising. Oh, dear. Is this, should we be indulging? I feel like this is. Well, I don't think this might genuinely be a cry for help. Also, apparently certain cheeses respond to different genres. Goat's cheese, for example, seems to lean towards electronic music. Would be keen to hear your thoughts on this. and even better if you could maybe try it out yourselves.

47:37No, I'm too busy doing the erection one. Anyways, love the podcast. Keep doing what you're doing. Warm hugs, Keith, a.k.a. The Mudman. Yeah. Wow. Have we found our very own pull the pie animal parker? Maybe we have, yes. I feel like, Keith, you need to, one, follow up with what you've discovered. And also, obviously, why you're called the Mudman. like yeah come on what you why are you called the mud man because that sounds like that involves at least one other day off work to get yeah the mud man thing going um oh is that his job i said that's his job okay so he's he's the mud his job is he's the mud man so you go any mud mud any mud maybe he does that thing is it called mud larking or something might do mud larking i've done mud larking that's good is it oh it's brilliant yeah the thames is a tidal river yeah Yeah.

48:30So there's always new stuff being exposed. Old dinner sets being pulled out. Brilliant. Yeah. Pipes, lots of pipes. Coins. See, a coin, that's what you want. You find a coin. Find like an ancient Roman coin or something. Yeah. I actually found a coin while I went. It was 1912 or something. It was an old... That's not too bad. It was not the sitting monarch. I mean, now that's... 1912. That's not Victoria. No, it would have been George. No, George V, I think. George V. Who was George IV? What's the one that just sort of went, he was king for about five minutes. He was like, oh, no, I've got this American bird.

49:11Oh, that's Edward VII. Edward, right. Edward, yes. And he wanted to marry Wallace Stevens, who was an American divorcee. Yeah, we can't be having that. Can't be doing that. No, not on my watch. No, absolutely not. So then he went off. And I think they got a little bit in with the Nazis, unfortunately. They did a little bit, didn't they? A little bit. But the Nazis at that point, that was before they'd... How was you supposed to know? You couldn't know at that point, could you? It was just that Hitler seemed fine, didn't he? All that ranting and all the spittle flecks. You know, the Kaiser, so after World War I, he fled and lived the rest of his life in Holland?

49:56Netherlands? Yeah, Netherlands. I never know what to say. Well, no, Holland is not – this is the answer. I've had this explained to me so many times. It's the Netherlands. Right. So he – Yeah. He went to the Netherlands, right? But then his son was like, oh, no, Germany should still have a king. They often do get a bit of that. And his son was all like, this Hitler fella. because the Nazis at that point wanted to seem legitimate. They absolutely did, yeah. So he was like, oh, if I support them because they're being quite nice to me. And Hitler used that. Absolutely. And then he was like, once Hitler gets into power, he's going to go, right, you're back as king again.

50:42Turns out Hitler just went, thanks, mate. Yes. Thanks, mate. Got what I could get out of you. now you can fuck off yeah no they loved a celebrity the Nazis um Goering was basically a celebrity he's a sort of air ace and uh he was a sort of hero from World War I he was a top gunner pilot fighter pilot Red Baron that's right Red Baron type character Mudman thank you very much thanks Mudman I mean so what are we saying on this I don't know I mean maybe there is a kind of reverberatory cheese does mature doesn't it I mean maybe wine as something that also that might... I say we leave it to the mudman, see what he comes back with.

51:22I'm sure he'll write back to us. I don't, Keith, hand on heart, I don't think that we're going to do a better study than you are doing. I mean, he's clearly... You're already doing it. You're handling it, mate. Yeah. You're handling it. He's got some cheese with a Bluetooth speaker in the fridge. Yeah. I'm not dismissing it. It feels quite sort of new scientist. You know, the kind of esoteric letters paid to the new scientist. They sometimes have things like this. and um i don't think it's necessarily completely insane let's see what happens um cheese does change over time and maybe the reverberations my cheese uh you know food tastes different high pressure and low pressure things in the air can affect they've done stuff with um they've looked into vibrations and because back way back back in the olden days way back in the olden days people were obsessed with vibrations and ley lines yes and things like that and solstices and whatnot um there was also they were quite into like um is it like mesmerism and that kind of thing and like wasn't everything called they believed in like the ether and stuff isn't that master kites i don't know what you just said you say master kites yeah that was a religion that was a religion in the middle east during uh what was his name curacao don't really know about you don't know that guy he was the guy that um stuck it to justinian and managed to get all the way to the mediterranean oh blimey but one of the justinian He was one of the later Roman embers.

53:08He was Byzantine, yeah. Curacao. I'm surprised you don't know about Curacao. I'm sure I'm saying his name incorrectly. Aren't Curacao one of the teams that qualified for the first time for the World Cup this year? I don't know. I don't know about that one. If it's not the World Up, I don't care about it, to be honest with you. No, I shouldn't have been watching the World Cup. No. I'm not watching it. I overheard some people talking about it. And I said, can you shut the fuck up? Listen, we better wrap this one up because we've got to go. Oh, that's it? Okay. That's it. Keith. Call him by his name.

53:40The Mudman. Yeah. Have some respect. Put some respect on his name. HRH, The Mudman. Keep The Mudman's name out of your fucking mouth. Right. I'm all fact out. What have we learned today, Joe? I think I've lost knowledge. Well, here's to be in the mailbag. So we haven't learned anything yet. We've been given lots of questions. We've learnt that, just going back through it again. Oh, we've learnt that a gorilla escaped at London Zoo. Well, we don't know if it was London Zoo. It was London Zoo. It just said a zoo. Oh, at the zoo. But she said, how much time do you spend at the zoo? Yeah. I thought you might actually know a fact from my time working there.

54:22It must be London Zoo. You're such a little Londoner, aren't you? There's other zoos, Joe. There's other zoos in this country. Anyway, that's what we've learnt. we hope that you've learned something or had a nice time at least we'll be back next week armed with more facts chats and harambe six pack good and don't forget that you can get in touch with us if you'd like us to fact check something that feels true to you or with whatever nonsense you'd like to tell us about our email is hello at joeandjamespod.com whatsapp is 07822 034 330 and you can follow us on social media at joeandjamespod and head to the podcast description if you've already forgotten those details.

55:01That's the end. We'll be back next week. Thanks, guys. Bye. Goodbye. Bye.

55:19Holidays are meant to be fun. So why does booking one suddenly feel like a full-time job? Prices going up, rules changing, too many options. Bring back groceries, I say. Or you could listen to The Holiday Expert Show. The podcast helping you travel best, spend less and know what on earth is going on. I'm Chelsea Dickinson, The Holiday Expert. And I'm James Robinson, The Holiday Slacker. Every Wednesday and Friday, we'll help you make sense of travel, save money and answer your holiday dilemmas. Listen wherever you get your podcasts.