Ep 59: 3 Mindset Shifts To Rewire Your Brain For Success ft Izzy Utterson

0:12Today's episode is for the business owners who are holding everything together, often at the expense of themselves. We are joined by the incredible Izzy Atterson. She is known for her work around mindset, personal growth and what she calls glowing up, but not in the surface level sense. Her work is about sustainable habits and regulation, which is why she's the perfect person to talk about looking after the person behind the performance. I'm so excited that we're doing this. I know, me too. Thank you for having me. Oh my gosh, are you joking me? I've been following you and I'm like, okay, whatever she says, I'm doing it.

0:47I'm like what hacks have you got I've seen the loaded waters I never knew what they were I'm fully invested um but I just want to talk about particularly this is the start of the year I want to sometimes we set ourselves up in the incorrect way as in like not filling up our glass we use that phrase a lot and the year ahead we set these goals and they might be particularly on this podcast it's business founders it's you busy busy women we set these goals maybe professionally or what we want to achieve but we don't necessarily include ourself in that a how we want to feel or protecting ourselves whilst being so busy and I'm certainly guilty of that I try and take time for self-care and invest in that but you know what it's like sometimes life gets in the way so I want to sort of start with the way that founders tend to work which I think is quite a specific way to being self-employed being sort of in the driving seat of your own sort of career and I have this my team always laugh at me and they say that like on my tombstone it's gonna say once this week's out the way I'll be okay yeah and that's literally how I tend to live my life and I don't I'm hoping it's not just me I'm hoping so I don't why do you think we kind of really put self-care and prioritizing ourselves on the back burner so it's an interesting question i think when it comes to founders because i think a lot of us look at work with admire founders and think they've got it all they're doing everything right and to be fair a lot of the time that is absolutely true they're doing the things we want to do they've got those aspirations those goals they're working hard what happens a lot of the time in that situation is that self-belief is definitely there you know because in order to reach those goals in order to succeed in order to achieve incredible things which so many of the founders you've had on other founders we've worked with met have achieved that self-belief has to be there so that's a really important part that I would start with with someone who isn't a founder you know when I work with clients who are sort of have these goals but they're not quite yet there yet usually that self-belief and that self-concept is what's lacking I think in terms of that self-care that can oftentimes go out the window because I think we see self-care and it's sort of no wonder why as a bit of fluff I think we think of self-care and I have a presentation that I do to a lot of corporates around working and managing your time and it's called self-care isn't a face mask and the whole point of that is is that self-care isn't those things that we see on social media that's like stood on a vibration plate with an led mask on your face these things are nice to have but they're not absolutely fundamental to your mental health but I think what we tend to not do is our brains are very complex and they're also very simple and our minds are built for direct feedback and we had this sort of gut sense that dictated what we did there was no sort of deliberation there was no debate what we're going to do there was no future planning there was none of that so it was just it was just we had this intuition we were really in touch with our guts.

4:01There was no need to sort of fit in. So what's happening with founders especially is they're probably going into really important boardrooms, having really difficult conversations, going to networking events where they might feel a little bit intimidated, all the while doing these incredible things. But what's happened in that process is our brain expends around 20 % of our energy every single day. If all of that energy expenditure is going to having difficult conversations, future planning, what are our KPIs for this year? What do we want to achieve for this year future planning is not something our brains are built for necessarily they're built to sort of exist in the moment that's why when you see that thing of you know why is it when I get an email I have anxiety like I'm being chased by a tiger because our brains haven't evolved that much from times where threat was a real issue so the anxieties that we feel the fears that we feel now are it's the same fear but it's very different things that are coming at us and our brain isn't keeping up quite as quickly in the way it's evolving as everything's kind of happening as technology is coming at us so it's no wonder that when we're on social media going into these situations having these meetings plus you might have kids plus you've got partners plus you've got family that might have things going on the energy expenditure has gone all of that it spread yourself so thin to the point where you are just kind of getting by and you're not necessarily prioritizing self-care and when i say self-care i don't mean that face mask it's a nice thing to have yeah but i mean being bored not being on your phone because rest is not sat scrolling on your phone or sat watching tv it's actually just being alone with your thoughts with zero stimulus around you going for a walk having regular breaks and this is the other thing we've been taught that holidays are the thing we should sort of strive for and look forward to but then we get on holiday and day one it's like oh my god i can't i can't even wake up like you're so exhausted and that's because burnout happens when we don't take regular breaks but i think we've convinced ourselves with the hustle culture that's going on right now and comparison which again is not something our brains are built for we're not built for comparison or to compete because how it worked is you know back in back in those days we had our our role in the community and that wasn't questioned that was your role and feedback was given to you there was none of the kind of oh no don't say that you know we don't want to we don't want to rock the boat or we don't want to do this and now there's all these layers of things going on that just mean that we're basically just getting by in the way that we know how um and we're not taking those regular breaks because for some reason or another, we've been convinced, and I think especially as women, and I know this is something my mum always spoke to me about, that if you don't keep going, someone else is going to come and replace you.

6:35It's so true. It's almost like there's that girl waiting in the wings. That's what we used to say, like, in girl band days. And I remember when I was in that position, really, we all did. And there was five of us that made this band, and that was the way that it was. And we were all, you know, individuals, but we were all a necessary part of the puzzle to make the band happen. But we all felt, I don't know if it was when we were young and we were signed to a record label, and it was such a great opportunity that we know that lots of girls would like buy our hand off for. But we very much felt that, you know, there's a girl waiting in the wings to take your place.

7:11So get up, be there, you know, do the most, wear it as a badge of honour, hustle harder than anyone else. Yep. Because there's always somebody else that wants to be you. And I think like you say, that's I always say that for me, that's like the girl band culture. And that's really how it felt that your, you know, your place could be taken away tomorrow. But I think that's actually how a lot of women feel in life, you know, and whether that's like being nervous to take that maternity leave because your maternity cover might take the job from you when you're ready to return. Like there are lots of different examples that actually we then don't take our foot off the gas because we're scared of losing or, you know, we want to keep hold of everything.

7:48why do you think we see kind of self-care as such a luxury like it sounds I know a lot of people say like self-care isn't selfish I don't know if that's I am not in that era I'm like I'm this is self-care yeah I'm into it however that looks for me like I've got a tribe that I have to sort of keep going and you know a family that I have to keep ticking over at home and businesses and everything else in between to take time for myself I don't feel guilty about there was a point in my life that I did do and I felt that oh my gosh I shouldn't just be taking time for me right now I should be doing this or finding something to do with the children or answering some more emails but actually I really have learned as I've sort of I suppose got older and with more experience that actually if I sort of I need my glass to always be full because I have to pour it out into so many other people and so many other instances so I actually don't feel guilty I'm like absolutely not self-care isn't selfish but why do you think that's a kind of default mindset for women i think there's a few reasons and i'm so glad that you do feel that way because you have to take time though yeah it takes time for sure and it takes a lot of unlearning and i think that's the key thing with anything in this in this world and with every person i work with in every group i say there's a lot of unlearning that's going to be evolved in this process i think there's a couple of things i think like you said it is that first thing where we feel comparison so deeply particularly in an age of social media where you've never been able to see how well somebody else is doing so easily before that is such a good point when you think about companies when you think about businesses you don't know their numbers you might be able to if it's a public company figure that out but realistically by that point that's such a big company it's sort of like one way or another but you're able to compare following likes comments shares you can see all of these things now so I think we are acutely aware of how well versus how not well somebody is doing and we compare that to ourselves and that is just the culture unfortunately that we exist in which is why i always say to people you know and when we talk about self-care i think the second part to it is consumerism now especially in the wellness industry would have us believe that in order to look a certain way and feel a certain way you have to have the perfect workout set and you have to go to the perfect gym and you have to have the perfect slip back while you do it you have to be wearing the perfect skincare the perfect this all intimidating in itself because if that's the case you never get there exactly because we're constantly striving to this new thing and it's like that feeling of never quite being able to sort of have that perfect image that we're seeing on social media and that's a huge thing that I have people say to me my morning routine doesn't look like what I see on Instagram well guess what neither does mine and neither does theirs theirs doesn't even look like that there's a reason I don't do videos like that really it's because it takes way too long yes and it's not realistic I don't think it's a realistic thing to present to people but that's the thing is we're having a hard time differentiating because our brain can sort of our brain doesn't know the difference between real and imagined which is something to do with visualisation which we could talk about later but when it sees things on social media it tends to take them at face value so if you're seeing that perfect morning routine the assumption is it's going to go into your subconscious mind that's what it has to look like to have it all well we've seen it now so like you say you perhaps because we have that in front of us before we would never be exposed to that like you're just doing your own morning routine and whatever feels best exactly whatever gets you out the door is great but now it's like should I be doing this whether it's real or someone's making content that is performing well or is engaging or feels inspiring but actually now your brain I suppose like you say has seen it so now you think that's what you should be doing which is absolutely fine but we've you know and it's fine I think you know there is content that is just there for entertainment I always say to people I think that mute button is there for a reason and the unfollow button is there for a reason but we've lost touch with our bodies we've lost touch with our intuition our gut feeling okay what actually makes me feel good because we've got this list of prescribed things that we need to do when actually i say to people if you could just focus on having those regular breaks if you could just focus on feeding yourself properly if you could just focus on getting enough sleep if that's possible you would feel so much better and you would have the energy to do the things that you want to do but we're prioritizing the wrong things i think now we're prioritizing having our lives look a certain way owning the right thing going to the right place drinking the right drink eating you know posting the right thing on social media so i think these things aren't necessarily bad i just think we're doing things the wrong way around we're focusing on the goals rather than focusing on our minds first and everything that you want to achieve if you want to look your best if you want to feel your best if you want to achieve the most in life i genuinely believe through the work that i've done both on myself and with clients it starts in the mind And if up here is not in the place that it needs to be in terms of self-concept, which is the way that we view ourselves, the way that we bring ourselves to the world, it will affect the lens through which we experience life.

12:39so if there's constant noise that's constant comparison there's constant negative self-talk because comparison breeds that negative self-talk our perception our lens of life and the first thing you learn as a mindset coach when you start that course is that every single person is viewing the world in a completely different way you can have two siblings who grew up in the same situation that have completely different accounts of what happened because your perceptual lens how you view life and joe dispenser talks about your personality becomes your personal reality is based on energy mood how you're feeling have you eaten enough have you had enough sleep all of these things plus lots of different deeper things combine to build that lens through which we experience the world so if up here is that place of and for me it was for a very long time negative self-talk i didn't look at my body in the mirror for two years and that's something i always talk about that's how lowly I felt of myself and engaged in lots of different sort of destructive behaviors comparison all those things if that's the place that we're coming from how we experience life is going to be very different and a lot of the energy expenditure is going on to those negative things it makes it makes perfect sense when you break it down what what does it actually mean to you when we you know the term we use it a lot when we say actually keeping your cup helpful yeah what does that mean to you I think for me that has been learning to set boundaries in a really healthy way I you know when I first came into this industry and I've always been like this with everything I ever did I always loved work I always like wanted to work from the age of 15 I was like I just want to get to work I just want to start making money I just want to do it you know I have my mum as someone who worked incredibly hard that was my role model so I would say yes to everything i think learning to get back in touch with your intuition and that is through things like working on your self-concept positive affirmations visualization getting very clear and what it is that you want not what someone else wants and this is why i'll say don't look at anyone else's vision board don't look at anybody else's goals what do you want when you really think about that and really get very clear which is why a vision board is such a deep process compared to just pretty pictures on a page you're so right then we're sort of trained now to think that it's like some really gorgeous little scrapbook and you know and it might not look that way at all and I think for me it was about learning to set those boundaries both in relationships where I felt like my cup wasn't sort of being poured into but all of I was pouring all of my cups out yes and I think there are situations in life where unfortunately that will be the case there might be situations where you know when you have young children that's going to be the case you're going to pour more in than they can give to you and that's just okay you know that's just how it is or a family member or a partner might be sick and that will be a case where it's not tit for tat and i'm not suggesting that it should be tit for tat but there will be situations and this is why learning to listen to your body is so important where you leave that situation and you just feel completely sucked of all energies that draining like an energy and it's like spotting it like you say if it's that's a very different situation if somebody's poorly and that will be you know that's an unfortunate situation and it of course will deplete you but you're doing it for the right reasons and you want to be doing so but that that like energy zapping feeling like we've all been there haven't we whether it's a friend or whether it's a colleague or someone around us that we feel like we're giving way more than we're getting back totally and it's not a question of saying no to everything cutting everyone off I always kind of preface that but I think when you're if you are on your kind of glow up journey if you are in that space where you're wanting to sort of feel your cut get back to a really good place sometimes we have to accept that there may be a period of time where you invite these people into your new life and they might not meet you there they might have to meet you on the other side of that mountain the other side of that breakthrough that's what Brianna Weasel always talks about and I think it's about recognizing that your cup is empty if it is and doing the things that are going to fill that whether that's physically you know focusing on things like sleep on movement on proper nutrition on energy levels or whether it is things like setting boundaries having a social media detox you know when that's completely deleting it for a little bit of a that's not possible really going through and curating what you're seeing because what you're seeing is dictating everything your brain is constantly listening whether it's what you're saying to it whether it's what something else is saying to it and this is why i always talk about the first and last five minutes of your day is when your brain is the most susceptible to information your subconscious is wide open in the first and last five minutes so i always say to my clients if you only have those first and last five minutes of the day take control of those if everything else is pure chaos in between and sometimes it is and i've been there i'm sure you've been there you have to wake up and rather than the first thing being to go and scroll on your phone and instantly consuming content that's making you feel comparison that's making you feel badly about yourself that's making you feel a certain kind of way just lie there and speak those positive affirmations either in your mind you can listen to them you can say them out loud if you need to start getting on with your day just listen to them alongside your routine and what that slowly starts to do is it starts to rewire your brain through neuroplasticity so neuroplasticity is the brain's ability to adapt rewire to change itself and it's something that we've become aware of in sort of long times not that long ago and it's this idea that we can reshape neural pathways and change our subconscious minds right and our subconscious minds make up about 95 of our thinking of how we perceive the world so if you can start to rewire that at least to view yourself in a really positive way when life's challenges come at you you're going to be coming at them from a very different perspective i think oftentimes we're running on empty constantly and it's not helping that the voice that's going through our head says i'm not good enough things like good things don't happen to someone like me or other negative things we might be saying to ourselves I know that you know I speak to a lot of people when they get ready in the morning what they say to themselves in the mirror and it's something they're not even necessarily thinking about until I say you know when you get ready and you get dressed what are you saying to yourself and then it's like oh yeah yeah so if you've got that constant you know imagine if you were if you were your own best friend and you've got your best friend shouting negative things at you constantly how's that going to make you feel and would you be their friend and would you be their friend would you trust them would you respect them probably not so i think it's just coming at least from that place where you've taken that first and last five minutes either to visualize the life you want to have to speak to yourself in that positive way so you can at least make your mind a really positive place to exist because that sets you up for success when life does ultimately come at you and you know if you're if somebody's listening to this right now and they're thinking this really sounds very familiar I I do think my cup's on empty but I don't really know why I'm busy I don't know maybe I'm a parent however it looks but I'm sort of I'm running on empty what would be the first sort of starting point you would take like what would you say would you look at the sleep would you look at how would you kind of like what would be like an actionable thing that they could do today I genuinely believe it begins and ends in our minds in how we're speaking to ourselves in how we're viewing ourselves I think sleep you know sleep physically yes is the most important thing your brain literally washes itself overnight there are so many incredible things that are happening while we sleep it's not always possible someone with a new baby might be listening thinking like well that's all well and great but I'm on night feeds but I'm on night feeds so that's not going to work for me in that case obviously getting sleep when and where you can you know is essential but I think if we can at least take time to have breaks where possible and when I say breaks I really do mean like that screen free time is so important it's so important for our brains to be bored yes it's so important for our brains to have silence I think the second thing I do and something I'm really trying to implement this year is trying hobbies reconnecting with things that we enjoy doing when we're younger doing things we're bad at whether that's going to a ballet class yeah going to do some pottery painting these are all things I'm really bad at but all things I'm doing because doing things you're bad at kind of teaches your mind okay actually I did that and the world didn't end yes I was afraid of doing that thing but that fear comes from the unknown our brain can't tell the difference between good and bad it just knows need and it needs to do what it's always done to keep you safe it's one primary job is to keep you alive and keep you safe and it will always pick what you've done as pattern as the safer option even if it's the less benevolent option right it will never pick the new good thing so by doing things like hobbies doing things you're bad at having that time to be bored just be alone with your thoughts without the screen if that's possible even if that's possible for two minutes how does that look for you because i'm thinking this into like a day's routine i actually can't imagine like when I'm like okay I'm gonna just chill on the sofa I'm just gonna give myself half an hour which I often do like if I'm like if it's a day of meetings I get back just to like make the school run and I'm like oh I've got half an hour by myself I'm sort of something's on the tv or like I have a cup of tea in front of the telly or I have a cup of tea whilst probably scrolling on Instagram or however that looks but it's never without something even that feels to me like mundane and I am switching off but I'm actually not am I if there's a screen or something else around me so do you do you literally I'm just trying to picture it because I can't imagine it and I love it and I'm clearly making this mistake so are you literally sat there having a cup of tea to yourself sometimes and by the way this is not me saying don't go on your phone and don't watch tv but I think it's really nice to have that point where you really do have that break I think even if it is just and even if it is a thing where you know you're going to be checking the title how long how long have i been doing this for in the beginning i would literally set a timer for two minutes and then three minutes and then four minutes and five minutes but because we are so used to that state of urgency which is why it's important to drip yourself in i'm not suggesting that you know okay i've got a spare hour i'm just gonna sit because the whole time you're gonna be like uh because it's uncomfortable yeah it is actually uncomfortable like if you've ever been in a situation where i don't know you're at the doctor's office or you're somewhere and there's no signal your phone's died yeah what what do we and we're sort of sat there we're like oh god and you know and suddenly all these thoughts come up but it's really important to let that happen but as with anything i think done is better than perfect i think if you could have two minutes where there's just no external stimulus and if you're not somebody who can get into a meditative state try box breathing try a bit of breath work if you're somebody that really needs that kind of auditory i would listen to a visualization meditation that's something that i really did in the beginning so that's going on there's noise but it's that kind of guiding or subliminals or frequencies or whatever works for you but it will be just putting that timer on for two minutes then maybe the next day it's two and a half minutes then maybe it's three minutes then it's four minutes i'm not suggesting you have to do this every single day but even if twice a week you could do it it's a form of meditation but a lot of people sort of don't have the time to get into a meditative state yes because that actually takes quite a long time and quite a lot of practice it's not necessarily something we all have time to do and it's not really necessarily something everybody enjoys some people it's life-changing for some people it doesn't really work for them so just to give yourself that space to give yourself that time to sort of to think to sort of get creative especially if you're a founder especially if you're somebody who wants to get into the creative industry some of my best ideas have come from walks where i've gone screen free that's why i got the aura i know that's what you know so i can like track my steps because I want to be like on top of that but it's my excuse of like okay can't bring the phone now going on walks just in silent no music not on the phone not even with someone necessarily just to allow yourself that time to really think yes to process things and I've been doing that a lot with trying to be less reactive and more responsive so if I've got to have a difficult conversation instead of just responding straight away to the email and then kind of regretting it later because oh god maybe my tone was a bit off maybe I shouldn't have said it like that really giving myself that time where phone is out of sight out of mind set your environment up for success maybe you set a timer that you can still hear it but it's out of the room or go for that walk in silence and just give yourself five minutes even to be alone with your thoughts and to really think about things because we've stopped listening to ourselves we stopped listening to our minds and i think the creative ideas and resolutions and solutions that come from that time with you are incredible again though not saying it's easy but it's something to start really it's true gradually my best ideas come when i'm on holiday like my team hates it when i go away they're like oh here she goes we're gonna have all of these ideas but like that is the time where i'm like oh my gosh okay i'm thinking this and i've had a bit of you know because i've sort of stepped away and obviously like that's quite a costly exercise i don't have to go on a holiday to come up with my creative ideas but i suppose like what you're saying that is like phone free screen free environments make perfect sense because think about how good you feel after you have a shower or like you have a bath and like you're not you haven't got the phone but you're supposed you're sort of doing some essentially you're just stood there underwater but you feel great right you have that time to think and you have that silence almost exactly and like whenever I like I'll go and like paint pottery sometimes with my friends and it's always that thing afterwards everyone's like oh it was so nice to just be off the phone for the hour yeah or you do a class oh it was so nice just get off the phone for their hour and i think doing things that allow your brain to just freely think and wonder allowing your mind to wonder is actually really important i think people think when they meditate or do things like that their mind can't wander it's actually important to let your mind wander a little bit yeah and to allow thoughts to just come in out of nowhere where did that come from it's nice isn't it that i mean it's that classic thing you know when you're having a little daydream and someone breaks it you're like no that was really yeah that's really annoying I was having a lovely time that was like genius is happening right now I want to talk about setting boundaries yes because many founders struggle with that or you know or over time they've become very very good at that which in turn makes them a lot more assertive and more productive because you know where you are when a boundary's set I think there's it takes a while to feel comfortable in that and in being confident about the boundaries you're setting and how you say no and when you say it do you think there can sometimes be a lot of guilt attached to boundary setting I think so I think again and I get this and I'm sure you'll understand this being on social media and showing up to my job on social media but then I haven't replied to a text yeah and I think it's that funny thing of you know I had a situation recently where things were going on in my personal life that just meant I didn't really have I just didn't have the capacity to be replying to everyone's messages and but I was still showing up in social media because at the end of the day that's my job yeah if I had a nine-to-five job I would still be showing up every day to that and I think you know being able to just and actually what I did in the end was I just sent a message out and I think being really assertive and being really clear about where you're at and just saying like I'm not not responding to this I'm just not in the headspace right now and I think being really clear from the outset with people helps you as well because you're not going to be ruminating on the fact of like, oh, I know I need to reply to that person, but I'm not.

28:15There's no worse feeling than that. It's like that classic thing where you, and this doesn't even have to be work related. It can be as simple as planning a dinner with your girlfriend. And all week you're thinking, I'm so tired. I've not got time for this dinner. Work is really busy. I haven't done this. I haven't done that. And then all week it's like hanging over you, that cloud of like, I need to try and get out of this. Are they going to hate me if I cancel? And we put ourselves in these situations where we could have just said, hey, do you know what? Dinner's not going to work for me at the minute.

28:43I am absolutely snowed under. Can we do it next month? And knowing that you'll then be present and you won't be sat there at the dinner if you haven't been brave enough to cancel it and you won't be clock watching and you won't be worrying about what the time is and how long you need to be out for. Like it's kind of, it was a simple no. 100%. And I think that's what I've then learned to sort of get better at. But it took me a real while to be comfortable with not sort of convoying. 100 % and I think I think there's two elements to it as well I think we don't want to get too comfortable with boundary setting I always say to her it's like you know it's your friend's birthday dinner and actually you're just you don't really feel like it I always say to people I'm like sometimes in life we have to inconvenience ourselves like sometimes in life and not that it should be an inconvenience but sometimes you're not going to feel like it and sometimes not feeling like it and doing it is actually really good for us to do it's like the gym I don't always feel like going but I feel so much better when I get you know you're gonna feel better and you know you're going to feel better when you see your friends so I think there's boundary setting and there's boundary setting I think earlier like I said if it is a genuine thing where the cons are outweighing the pros of my work's going to fall behind I'm going to be exhausted I'm not going to be able to show up for my work I'm not going to be able to show up for my family because I'm going to be angry I'm going to be agitated I think then you have to have a serious question of okay is there a different time I could you know is there a different time that we could do this is there a time that I could rearrange this and I think being really clear from the outset I always say to people like you know with oh my boss always texts me at this time of night I'm like you need to be very clear in your boundary setting from the outset because these behaviors are very easy to fall into so I think getting to that place where okay well I never apply after this time yes and I'm okay with that and I'm okay with that I need to and that's because you know I'm contracted for these hours and I'm not gonna unless there is an absolute emergency but I think learning of like learning what can wait and what cannot and I think sort of having that communication in a way that doesn't feel scary just saying like hey you know these are my boundaries just to communicate like I work this hour to this hour if there's an emergency of course please contact me but I will not be available at this time and I think if that is responded to and it you know nine times out of ten our friends our bosses our colleagues whoever it do respond in a positive way and i think we have to remember that we have a tendency in our brains to catastrophize our brains are amazing things but they are always looking for catastrophe and yes what could go wrong we're always preparing ourselves for worst case scenario which isn't necessarily a bad thing and we imagine these like sort of imaginary scenarios if what if they say this and they might say that and what if they're really they don't want to be my friend anymore because i didn't go to a dinner what they never speak to me again and when we say it out loud and I think verbalizing things is really important because sometimes I'll verbalize things or someone else will verbalize them and I really believe that a problem shared is a problem hard yes if you have somebody that you trust enough to share that problem with I always say to verbalize that problem because oftentimes you'll say it out loud you'll think actually I don't know why I was so worried about that I think digital boundaries are increasingly important if not more so important than kind of physically because we have and everyone is you know i myself have been guilty of this as well not the best relationship with digital boundaries we're picking up our phone how many times a day i'd be scared to know i actually there's an app that tells you i don't want to i don't want to know don't want it don't want to know it's a bit like when monzo's like do you want to see how much no no thanks i don't want to see how much i spent there um but it's i think being able at least to set up your digital environment like I said earlier to curate it in a way where when you go on your phone it's curated in such a way either with the accounts that you follow or with the apps on your screen or the screen time you might have a screen control app there's an amazing one called opal that can literally will lock you out of apps if that's something that you require and I think being able to have those boundaries digitally you will start to notice a shift in the way that you're feeling that sort of quick dopamine hit that we get from going on the phone and going on instagram and going on tiktok is not something again that our brain is like prepared for it's not prepared for this constant on store of dopamine and then when it goes and we're kind of feeling bad so we need to make sure that our phones are sort of environments where you know we can sort of coexist with each other in a really healthy positive way and have that boundary to where we're not kind of a slave to that dopamine yeah yeah because that is exactly what happens you feel you're working for your phone you know yeah it's not and it's not working for you as we're in the first month of the year if you could give me your top three things that you think women should be prioritizing this year whether and that can look how ever you want it to look so it could be what we should be doing taking thinking eating you know however that looks what would your top three things be so the first and foremost thing i think would be to understand that we need to work with our brains not against them yeah and the first thing i always say to people so before we set new year's resolutions and really lofty goals understanding how our brains work so i've spoken a bit about the subconscious mind and the subconscious mind is formed between the ages of zero and seven our subconscious mind is kind of formed the beliefs that we have about ourselves the beliefs we have about the world about money about community about love about relationships all of those things kind of depend on what we saw growing up that's not to scare people neuroplasticity is such that we can adapt and change but if you have deep-rooted beliefs about certain things maybe you have certain habits that you you know do and you're thinking like i i know what to do like i know what the good thing to do is but i keep not doing it understanding that you have to work with your brain right so i always start with that self-concept how would you describe yourself what three words would you use to describe yourself seriously like what the first three words that come to mind if those words are leaning towards the negative that's the first step acknowledging that something's up and that's where we need to start and that's where i would do things like talk you know thinking about okay how would i like to feel what three words instead what i like to feel and instead of new year's resolutions i like to have a word of the year an intention of the year so mine last year was optimize is this going to optimize is this decision going to optimize my life this year it's growth is this going to help me with growth if i say yes to this if i say no to this if i make time for that is it going to help me with growth so i think the first thing would be to pick that word or intention of the year yeah the second thing is going to be to start reframing the way that we speak to ourselves so really just focusing on speaking to yourself a little bit more kindly because i think we're all probably guilty of this so whether that is through positive affirmations in the morning and that can look however you want it to look whether that is when you get ready really looking at yourself and saying something positive whether that's i love you you've got this i'm proud of you you're amazing just taking the moment to say that to yourself because slowly but surely that will start to rewire your self-concept and the way that you view the world the third thing and i think this is probably an obvious one and it sounds quite general but it is that your habits are built from your identity so the self-concept directly leads into those habits we rise or fall to the identity that we believe we are so if you don't fat we know what habits we need to do right like every single one of us do but if you don't believe that that is your identity and james clear on a topic habits uses the example favorite book first book i read on my journey he uses the example of somebody who's giving up smoking now he uses two scenarios the first scenario is that someone goes someone gets offered a cigarette i'm trying not to smoke the second scenario is someone offers you a cigarette I don't smoke it's a very very subtle shift in language but being able to identify yourself as that person who either not oh I'm going to wake up tomorrow no I'm a healthy person I'm a person who goes to the gym I'm a person who gets up when that alarm goes I'm a person who makes healthy food choices and by changing that sub-concept and starting to just say those things in those way or if you're trying to cut down on drinking or you don't want to drink at all you know oh no I don't drink yeah not I'm doing dry jana I'm trying not to drink I don't drink if that's something that you want to cut out and this can be applied in lots of different ways so I think just starting to shift that language yes and then build habits around that but I think being really intentional with habit building would be my third thing I think we focus way too much on these big lofty goals so I think once you've got that intention for the year once you've started to speak to yourself in that more positive way and really subtle ways just when you're getting ready through those affirmations just before you go to bed because your brain's going to marinate in whatever you've told it just before bed which is why i always say it's the worst time to be like i should have said that should have done this tomorrow and then we dream all about it and we wonder why we had such weird dreams that made us feel so panicky and the third thing would be to build habits based around that identity that you've created and that word that makes sense for you so not habits that you've seen somebody else talk about habits that are going to make sense to get you closer to your goal and starting tiny i mean tiny like give me an example if your goal is to get fit i want to run a marathon i want you to literally start with putting on your workout clothes right and go for a walk around the block and then maybe the next day you put on the workout clothes two minutes longer and then maybe eventually you're going to get to a place where you start to take off on that jog on that run and slowly but surely and that's a kind of you know that's a sort of fitness example that can be applied in lots of different ways but adding in habits either stacking them onto something you already do so if you're thinking like i've got time for positive affirmations in the morning okay well i'm assuming and i'm hoping that everyone's brushing their teeth in the morning i hope so i hope so so for that you know minute and a half two minutes that you're brushing your teeth listen to the positive affirmations or just say them in your head because we've got that time to have it stack if it's that you want to take more supplements put them beside the coffee machine in the morning if it is that you want to move your body lay out that workout set at night that's what i have to do set up your environment for success because we'll rise or fall to our environment and how we set ourselves up we need to make it so easy and so bulletproof in the beginning and your brain doesn't know the difference between big and small so i see lots of people sort of say you know i'm going to run a marathon i'm going to do a higher up something do this thing these are all incredible goals but you're not just going to go from zero to 100 so we've got to focus on getting from zero to one first we've got to set up the systems in which these habits can be built because what happens is we set ourselves these big goals and especially around new year because there's a kind of social contagion where everyone's doing them so we feel like i've got this willpower and motivation is going to carry me through but we've not thought about our intention for the year that's really going to be our guiding star we've got a list of 25 goals that they're going to forget like if i think about from three years ago my goals i'm like i couldn't tell you even if i wanted to the second thing is we know who we are we've built that identity we started speaking to ourselves in that way and the third thing is that we're not pressuring ourselves to run that marathon instantly because guess what if you tried to run a marathon tomorrow you probably really do yourself some damage you might get really sick like you might be in serious trouble and think about everything like how you would train for a marathon start really small to where you cannot fail that's why i say put on the workout set if it's i want to read more okay what genre okay what book okay how many pages can you realistically manage a day it might be one yeah but you're going to be far better off reading one page of a book all day than telling yourself i'm going to read five books this week yeah so true but you've got kids at home you've got a job to go to you've got commitments so setting yourself up no matter how small it is because like i said i always say no zero days and a zero day would be that you didn't do one thing that took you further to the person you want to be so whether that's walking 100 steps around the living room whether that's reading one page of a book whether that's writing one thing you're grateful for drinking a cup of water a zero day would be that you did not do one single thing to better yourself and done is better than perfect our brain can't tell the difference between getting into a workout set and rolling out the mat and doing a stretch to where going to a gym and doing a sweaty two hour long workout it can't tell the difference a habit is built because it's done not because of the intensity or extremity of the exercise right right that yeah that is such a good point yeah and i always feel better when i know it sounds silly but i'll do a pilates class online but the night before i'll leave my mat out i'll leave the hand weights there and i'll even like put water in the bottle and i'll leave it there so the morning when i wake up i'm like i'm not walking past there's no excuse yeah exactly it just it's little things that just make it easier for you so you don't set yourself up to fail by saying i'm gonna do 10 classes this week because that's not realistic because you might have 10 minutes to work out but if it's gonna take okay well where have the dumb where have i put the dumbbells yes oh god my sports prize in the wash where's this where's that talk yourself out of it can't you then whereas if you yeah make it bulletproof yeah exactly and there are no excuses tell me uh when it comes to you and your lifestyle if you if we had your handbag here right now what are three things that you can't live without okay i've actually got my handbag yeah go on we're gonna get it first things first which i know that you're a big fan of dandelion tea i am such a big fan of dandelion it's the best thing ever i know it's the best thing let me tell you something i well i won't know the like facts behind it i just enjoy it and i feel good so tell me i've seen emily english talk about dandelion root as well and i'm like if she's saying it's good i know it's good so this i discovered so i'm really into lymphatic drainage massages and my lymphatic drainage masseuse was like you know i was like you know i get quite bad water retention i get quite puffy which is a result of lots of different things and she said have you tried dandelion tea i was like no so i popped to holland and barrett picked this up and this is the game changer for puffiness bloating water attention it's like the easiest hack i have like one cup of this a day if it's closer to my cycle i might have like two cups of it a day and it helps me it's basically a diuretic so it makes you wee and what sort of time a day are you do you do you take i'm usually having this at night but there's not really any time it's caffeine free so You can have it whenever you want.

43:12But this is a real game changer. Very good on a flight. Very good on a flight. Yeah. I double bag it on a flight. We love a double bag. I double bag it on a flight. I'm like, get two of these in there. Like, this is the best thing ever. So this is absolutely essential. And tell me, lymphatic drainage massage, who do we see? Olivia Lymphatics. Okay. That, I don't know what is in that girl's hands, but like my before and afters, I'll send you a picture of my before and after. I need to see her. I need to see her. She's coming. so on my wedding I've obviously got hair and makeup confirmed and I was like Olivia will you come and stay in the wedding venue the night before and do me the night before in the morning of the wedding she was like absolutely that is the sort of dedication we need that's the hack yeah you go it's lymphatic drainage massages you can do it on yourself at home I would say like that is something I do every single morning is lymphatic drainage massage on myself so I'll do it like my face my neck my arms my tummy I'll dry brush and those things are really good for lymphatic drainage takes me like four minutes I can do it in the shower sometimes to do too it's a nice thing to do and just makes you sort of gets rid of any stagnation leaves you feeling a bit more energized that is the hack okay there we go um drainage every day the next thing i'm just sat on the bag she's beautiful the next thing which i actually brought for you have you read this book do you know what i haven't read it and i want to okay perfect i love her for you but i want to read a little passage actually that i think is going to be really i love her so So if anyone's just listening, it's The Mountain Is You by Brianna Weist.

44:39And this book really taught me about self-sabotage. And I used to think of self-sabotage. I used to be like, why would anyone self-sabotage? Like when I heard self-sabotage, I was like, what a crazy thought that you would ever self-sabotage. And I was probably in like the deepest depths of self-sabotaging myself with just my habits, the way I was behaving, everything like that. And this book, in conjunction with Atomic Habits, right at the beginning of my journey, completely changed my life. I love Atomic Habits so much. And do you ever top it up? I go and have a little read again. Oh, absolutely.

45:11Except I've loaned mine out at the minute. I don't know who's got it. Whichever one of my friends has it. I'm like, give it back to me. I've just invested in a Kindle, which has changed my life. Do you know what? My kids asked for a Kindle for Christmas and I was so proud. Yeah, I know. I'm like, yes. You're like, have 10. How many Kindles do you want? Yeah, how many Kindles do you want? So this, I think, is quite pertinent just for what we've spoken about today. And I think the kinds of people listening. and this is letting go of unrealistic expectations love it's not that brave to say you love your body only after you've contorted it to precisely what you want it to look like it's not that brave to say you don't care about possessions when you have access to everything in the world it's not that brave to say you aren't motivated by money when you have enough of it when you only find happiness and peace after you've fixed every flaw mastered every challenge and are living decidedly in the after part of the picture of your life you've not resolved anything you've only reinforced the idea that you cannot be okay until everything is perfect.

46:08The truth is you don't change your life when you fix every piece and call that healing. You change your life when you start showing up exactly as you are. You change your life when you become comfortable with being happy here even if you want to go forward. You change your life when you can love yourself even though you don't look exactly the way you want to. You change your life when you're principled about money and love and relationships when you treat strangers as well as you do your ceo when you manage a thousand the same way you would ten thousand you change your life when you start doing the truly scary thing which is showing up exactly as you are most of the problems that exist in our lives are distractions from the real problem which is that we are not comfortable in the present moment as we are here and now so we must heal that first we must address that initially because everything else builds from it wow that's powerful I love her anyway that's for you and this book really yeah this book really was a powerful one for me so I've always got something like that in my bag and then the final thing and what so you always have like a book in your bag to sort of give yourself a little top up throughout the day just to sort of like something in and I always talk about books really were the basis for the beginning of my journey I mean lots of different things combined but I think books really were the you know I'm constantly wanting to learn I'm constantly wanting to read and get different perspectives especially on things like this and I just think having little chapters where I've just folded that one over like having little chapters that you can sort of revisit something about it just separates me from myself a bit and sort of zooms out and it's a nice little prompt isn't it throughout the day like if you're busy or you're on a commute and you've got that time some people like to have a screensaver yes you know with their word or intention of the year it might be a quote that they feel really good about it might be a you know a little a little note that they put on their mirror and that's something else but i think having that constant reminder of like okay it's actually not that deep to come back to to come back to i think it's really powerful and then i've got so many things in here it doesn't have to be three if you want it to be more than three we're here we've got my my briny journal yes isn't it so gorgeous she's done such a lovely job with that and i think it's really nice just like i'm always just like doing this every night my fiance's like what are you writing i'm like it's none of your business and do you know and i love it and i have i love her journal and i've got i love it i do like open journaling in that and then i've got the daily stoic journal now too where it's more prompts and they prompt you and ask you a question morning and night and i've only recently got that this year i got it for myself in my little stocking at christmas and i really love it because it really sort of takes you to a different place because it asks you a question so it's not kind of free-flowing I think it's quite specific having a prompt I think if you are wanting to get into journaling is really important so I definitely recommend that a lot of people can't just free flow yeah I give myself a topic always to sort of you know whether that so every day I write in my journal a letter to my mum as if I was sort of telling her about my day and what I've achieved and everything like that for some people that might look like writing a letter to future them to them in the past but I think having a journal prompt that's just going to sort of get you into the flow and then see where it goes and by the way journaling doesn't have to look it could be the same thing every day it could be that you literally write three words of things that you're grateful for every single day doesn't have to look perfect doesn't have to be an essay doesn't have to be a novel it just has to be something and I have a list on my phone that's good things are happening to me every day and that could be you know smiled at a stranger yeah or someone complimented my outfit like not like small wins they don't have to be huge teeny tiny things because if you can start if you have that list and if you have that sort of I know I'm journaling later I know I've got to write in that list that's your to-do list because it's such a tiny thing that we're sort of able to do it our brain operates in a really interesting way sorry you can tell I'm really I love this I love this but our brain um operates through it has something known as the reticular activating system which is basically your brain's gatekeeper and our brains are constantly processing information and an example i always use is when you were younger and your parents or someone would get a new car and suddenly everybody had that car it's not that suddenly everybody has that car it just suddenly has become relevant piece of information your mind is open up to it exactly and when we have that thing like i have a little promise to myself that i have to compliment a stranger every single day which always serves me really well because whenever i do it in prep or something it's like a free tea i'm like brilliant but because i'm always sort of looking for some way to compliment someone my perception of the world has shifted my perception of it being like a really grim day outside like it is now and it's rainy and it's gray but because i'm looking out for that our brain is filtering out information that isn't relevant because our brain can only be aware of around 40 things consciously at once when you think about how many bits of information are going on around you like you might walk past a shop one day because you're not on your phone oh how long has that shop been there and it's been there for years but you're usually on your phone or you're usually distracted or usually doing something things will become when things start to become relevant to us because we've set ourselves that goal of I'm going to compliment a stranger today or I'm going to find something beautiful today or I'm going to take a picture of something lovely or you know I'm going to see angel numbers your brain starts to filter thing out and it's what's what's known as confirmation bias and it happens both ways yes so when you focus on the bad you know when you're having a bad day it's always the day that like your jumper gets caught on the doorknob and bad things happen you're late for work or it continues in that way i say that to my kids in that way i say thoughts of things exactly that's what i say i'm like we're gonna have a good day i love that and because we got back from i mean it's like first world problems we got back from holiday and my son was like i want to be homeschooled it's cold and this that and the other and like again i we were like doing this little chant to the front door because marvin was taking him and i'm like right today's gonna be a good day we're like having all these chants on the way and he was like mom the song worked i had the best day i'm like of course you do because thoughts are things and that's kind of how we move and i think it's so it's those little things and really really acknowledging just learning to tune into those things i think and sort of like this is what i mean by working with your brain giving yourself a little challenge of i'm going to notice a good thing today and it's so subtle or i'm going to compliment a stranger today your brain's then going to be on the alert to look out for that you know it's like getting clear about if anybody's looking for romantic love when you get very clear about the partner that you're looking for you know we we we manifest what we're consciously aware of yes so getting very clear about what that partner looks like down to a t like down to like the smallest little thing who is she who is she who are they like what are their hobbies you know what do they look like this that you know what do they do are they close with their family all of these things that if we hadn't got clear on you might be sitting next to a stranger at the bus stop who's literally your perfect person but you're not filtering that because you've not become clear of that you've not consciously focused on that and that's what manifesting really is yeah yeah yeah exactly there's that clarity and working towards that and constantly bringing it back to exactly back to the thing in hand i want to before we end i I've got two more questions and I want to find out like what you do to instantly feel good whether that's drinking something eating something like if you're going to nourish your body in a way to sort of okay this is gonna serve me what are those kind of like I mean nothing's a quick fix but what do you reach for if you're feeling a little bit slumped or you're feeling a how does that look so my bone broth every single morning right which you've got one that you recommend or are you making so bare bones bone broth is the one they have that it tastes like a cup of gravy i'm not gonna lie to you i'm quite here for that i'm partial to it i love i yeah i like i'm so oh my god is that great i'm like and like to me that's like a delicious thing it doesn't really bother me i had a mix up bistro if i could you know what i mean like i'm like that's actually quite yummy like i don't i don't really know what we're saying here so i have that when i first wake up in the morning it's really warming it's going to rehydrate you it's full of amino acids collagen incredible it's been on my gut health journey not tmi but it's keeping me feeling good every single day so i would say the bone broth is the first thing i think the second thing is probably that load of water i make in the morning yeah so tell me all about loaded water for those that don't don't know so i got it originally lauren bostick from the skinny confidential talks about sexy water and i was like god that's so great but i you know sound so english and i there's no way i could pull off sexy water so i'm always like okay i'm just going to call it like loaded water but it's very much taken from and inspired from her and it's basically just sort of loading up the water with whatever i need that day okay so what i tend to have is like i have like a collagen powder with l-glutamine from the nuco or i might add the revive collagen in there i might add a humantra electrolyte in there if i'm feeling a bit under the weather or it's summer and it's hot or i'm doing a bit more exercise might be going on a hike might be doing a workout whatever it might be might be a greens powder you know whatever it is I'm needing in that day I always like people say what do you use I'll say Melissa like is it everything I'm like no like some might some days it's one thing yes but I think just by having that little fun activity every morning of like making my little concoction and whizzing it up because it tastes quite delicious as well because all these things are quite yummy it might be a bit sweeter it's just basically my way of getting that hydration in in a way that feels more functional more beneficial and because I've done it every morning it's a bit more exciting than just pouring a glass of water and having it it just means i'm getting more hydrated it's that habit stacking again isn't it ultimately it's my way of making people drink more water like yes in a way that feels a bit sexier a bit more fun a bit more you know we all like that little ritual and i think rituals are really powerful things like there's an amazing book um that i'll send you the names escaping me now that's around rituals and why morning rituals are important part of our lives more so than just like habits or hobbies things like that why rituals are powerful so i think for me that bone broth that loaded water is that morning ritual that just always sets me up for sort of feeling my best and really i'm just rehydrating my body and the effects of you know there are so many studies out there which i won't kind of bore everyone with on mild dehydration in women specifically how much it affects our mood how much it affects our energy i think it's something like 1.7 mild dehydration can affect our mood by some wild amount our energy by some wild amounts so just keeping hydrated basically is my is my key and it's it's so it but everything comes back to those those kind of simplistic values and essentials is actually this is what I always talk about yeah every you know I have a hard time sometimes not a hard time because I don't find it hard but I'm like nothing I'm selling is costs anything you know this idea of self-concept this idea of but that's what's so brilliant this idea of hydration this idea of you know okay yes if you're buying supplements to add in but realistically you could just be drinking the water you could just be getting enough sleep you could just be moving your body and you could do it like you could do it in a pair of old boxer shorts and a t-shirt doesn't have to be in a fancy set and we don't need to be on a fancy wellness retreat to make steps to make ourselves absolutely feel a whole these things are nice they're not necessary and i think that's the crux of it is that you can do all of you can really change your life in the most simplistic ways but we've convinced ourselves that we need to add on all of these things you know consumerism's taught us we need to add on all these things when realistically we have all the tools in our toolbox it's just about sort of it's the it's the less sexy and the slightly slower option basically is what i say and then lastly if a founder or you know a woman looking to launch is listening to this podcast today and kind of exhausted by responsibility what's the first small change that you would tell somebody to make this week oh it's a very good question i'm trying to think about something that would be sort of applicable to everybody i would say we kind of rise or fall to our routines so pick morning pick evening don't necessarily pick both but pick morning or evening and just kind of assess that either wind down routine or wake up routine i would say maybe invest in an alarm clock and charge that charge that phone outside of your bedroom try and have tech free that's such a small change that's what that's what we do and that's been really powerful for us as a couple as well it's a really powerful thing to not just be scrolling on your phones next to each other but to be able to have that sort of sense that you're disconnected from the world just before bed and when you wake up in the morning and having that time just for you before the world knows you're awake and you know when you get to fall asleep I would say that for me has been the biggest game changer in terms of just delaying the noise yeah a little bit and giving yourself that proper time to rest to unwind to have that really good quality sleep and sort of marinating those thoughts that have come up while you're lying in bed not just from a video that you've scrolled past that's given you like the weirdest dream ever that do you know that definitely happened like why am i dreaming about that and that is such good advice because it's a small change that everyone can make i actually said earlier i'm gonna get one of those analog kind of alarm clocks for next to my bed yes to really just oh it's be able to do that because i think you always there's always something in the background of your subconscious that you think oh actually let me just write that down and let me just quickly check that like even if I wake up for a wee at 3am I think should I just quickly check my answer that it's they're such bad habits yes but they're easy to kind of knock on the head they're really easy to fall into though as well so I think be really gentle with yourself that's why I'm saying start with the morning or the evening try not to go all in but I think just trying to really reclaim your morning and evening routines is a really powerful place to start thank you so much i've loved this i feel like i'm about to order bone broth and get my analog alarm clock and i just think we all on this podcast there are you know we did our live not too long ago and there are so many women that are consciously making an effort to better themselves and i think it's so so important and i think every founder could do with listening to this and hearing your advice so thank you so much so thanks for my gift too oh my god you're well Thank you for having me.

1:00:57Don't forget to follow us on Apple and Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts to make sure that you don't miss out because next time we're going to be talking to another incredible lady who launched. If like me you're a watcher then follow us on YouTube and please don't forget to like and subscribe.

1:01:18Thank you.