Aisling Bea (Tasting Menu – Live at the Royal Albert Hall)

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2:29Howdy folks, this episode of Off Menu is brought to you by Boar's Head, the friar's turkey breast. Imagine a backyard tradition. Okay. A sun-drenched afternoon, a massive vat of bubbling oil, and a man named Big Dave wearing goggles. It's a lot of effort for a bird. It's a lot of effort for a lunch, isn't it? Well, what if I told you that Boar's Head has brought that exact backyard tradition right to the deli counter? Well, I'd say, James, you finally lost it, and I think you lost it a while ago, but this is beyond the pale. Boar's Head brings to the deli the taste of deep-fried turkey. It's all the seasoning and that golden-fried glory of the fryer's turkey breast, but without Big Dave having to set up a perimeter in your garden.

3:12Oh, man, that sounds genuinely incredible. Only from Boar's Head, Ed. It's basically craftsmanship you can eat. Speaking of which, you lot listening need to get down to your local deli counter and experience the difference Boar's Head makes. The Friar's Turkey Breast in stores now. It's delicious. It's golden. It's the taste of deep fried. Boar's Head. Committed to craft since 1905.

3:47Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. It's a bonus, Ed. Bonus! Wowee, so loud. Yes, this is a bonus live episode of the Off Menu Podcast. James, do you remember this? It was all the way back on the 13th of March, 2026. In the Royal Albert Hall, no less. No less than the Royal Albert Hall. We will only perform in the Royal Albert Hall now. Yes, we did six shows at the Royal Albert Hall. Mad. which should have been illegal but they let us do it yes and they were all tasting menus where we get an old guest back yes a fan favourite and we give them the menu of another fan favourite yes very exciting for us to trawl through our multiple episodes and go we'd like to speak to this person again yeah we listened to every single episode we've ever done again in order to choose the best guests for the Royal Albert Hall but no offence if you're listening to this and you weren't one of the ones selected your time will come Next time we do the Royal Albert Hall.

4:43Of course. We actually liked all the episodes that we listened back to and we listened back to all of them. Yeah, all of them. Every single one of them was great. Yeah. Apart from one. But we decided to go alphabetical. Alphabetical? Alphabetical. We went in alphabetical order and the first guest on these tasting menu shows is... Aisling B! The wonderful Aisling B came back to be given the menu of a previous guest all will be revealed in the show. Some stuff we talk about to Aisling won't make total sense because there was a first half and we went on and talked in the first half. Just for context, Ed and I had just watched the Louis Farouk Manosphere documentary and in the first half did a lot of references to the Manosphere, saying people are being cooked, talking about HS Tiki-Toki and stuff.

5:33So that might come up again in the second half a little bit. Yeah, so if you're like, I don't understand that joke, it's probably because you've not heard the first half. And a lot of comedians would make sure that didn't happen, but not us. Not us, not us. We were in the moment in the Royal Albert Hall. We were caught up in the present, really. We weren't thinking about the future when people would have to listen to it. And I guess, you know, sometimes people would say like, oh, why bother going to see a live podcast? They'll just release it as audio anyway. Well, that's why. This is proof. this is proof that actually you know as much as you're going to enjoy listening to it now there will be moments where you might feel a bit lost it's going to be nonsense to you and that won't happen in the future if you if you come but this is a fun episode enjoy this is the off-menu tasting menu of ashley b live at the royal albert hall

6:32Ed Gamble kick us off like only you can okay we're kicking off straight away James good there was energy there in the interval James was a bit ashamed of what he did in the first half he's released an apology on the notes app so everything's sorted now I was spiralling I was spiralling he was spiralling and thank you and now you're going to go and get your mental health addressed you're going to go into therapy yes Yes, good boy. Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast. Taking the J2O of conversation. Pouring it onto the Cocoa Pops of humour. And then eating a load of fucking disgusting stinky eggs as well, you horrible man.

7:12That is it, Gabble. My name is James Aikas. Together we own a drink restaurant and every single week we invite the guests. We ask them their favourite ever start and main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this is The Tasty Menu. Woo-hoo! Where we invite back an old guest, a fan favourite. A fan favourite. This episode's fan favourite. From a previous episode, we will be giving the menu of another previous guest, fan favourite. And this guest, James, did the podcast ages ago. The first series. The first ever series. The first ever series. He's truly one of our favourites, one of our favourite people in the world.

7:52I think we should just get on with it, James. Yeah, let's bring out Ashton and give her another guest menu. So here we go. This is not the off-menu menu of Ashton Bean!

8:11Well, well, well, well. Well, well, well. Well, Ashley, we're starting a new podcast. Will you come on now? All right, lads, I'll lend my celebrity jazz to your little podcast. What's it about? Sput menus. Oh, okay. Well, that'll never work, but I'll do it anyways, boys. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. What's for starters? Me, eating my words, James. Mmm. You were very nice coming on our podcast when no one listened to it, and it was early days. Yes. You gave us a chance, Ashley, and we appreciate it. I did, boys. I saw something in you. I thought, look, these guys have got no personality. They're both the same height.

8:54That's not going to work. Don't lead with no personality. You know what I mean, Ed. You're stretching it at this stage. Diabetes is this, diabetes. You can't live a life just talking about your diabetes, Ed. Doing pretty well out of it, got to say. That's true. Some diabetics, they only get to sit in the audience. That's true. They have to sit down because they're so tired from having diabetes. I understand that wasn't the best opening, of course. Welcome, everyone, to Diabetes. Type one and two. Here's what I... One of the many things I remember from your episode, Aisling, is that James was 45 minutes late.

9:31Whew! Yeah, that was the only episode I've been late for. Still to this day. I slept in. Yes. And I woke up and had a lot of messages from Benito going, where the hell are you? Aisling's here. She's been here for ages. And I had to turn up really, really late and say, I was so, so sorry. And it's never happened again. So thanks, mate. Because you cared more about the people who came after me? Or why? Why wasn't it? Was that why? You just didn't really... It's fine. This has turned into like a group therapy chat between three friends that you guys have to watch. Thanks for having me on, guys. You're most welcome.

10:04We are delighted to have you on for the opening night at the Albert Hall. Oh! Woo-hoo! James, we do need to kick it off properly, though, because at the moment you are a mere man, and we need you to be a genie. Yes. Oh, yes, you're doing something sexist now, James, for a change. It's a character. Okay. Aisling, how would one traditionally get a genie out of a lamp, would you say? Like I'd get many things out of things with a spout out. I'd give it a good rub. Would you care to give the spout a rub? Oh, God. Hang on, you set that up. I know, yeah. Oh, you're not going to turn this into a meme or something now, are you?

10:45I suppose I'd like... have to rub that you don't you said give it a rub oh oh welcome back to the dream back to the dream back to the dream look at my face look at my face look at my face look at my clothes oh look at the face am I pregnant now oh no that was a real shame I really like I really it's in my eye oh you didn't have to rub the spout mate honestly i've in aladdin he doesn't wank off the spout does he you can you can rub the main body of the lamp you see now hindsight's you know a fine thing when you're on the other side of it yeah i suppose i didn't have to wank off the spout yes now i understand you just rub rub the tummy of the lamp because i know that works for me all you need to do is rub my a little look into how ed gamble gets an erection there like rub his tummy rub my tummy big old bono no i really enjoyed that james i really and i really enjoyed that james thank you sorry james is 41 one um whose menu are you hoping for actually we're gonna give you an old guest's menu oh is there any in particular do you know in terms of the first series so we were on the first series of this or maybe he came on the second one in my episode i talked about my birthday which is on monday oh my god if they bring out a cake yeah to be fair you said this you said this to us backstage just before we came on for the second half you were like is there going to be a cake?

12:35We were like I didn't fucking know it was your birthday on my birthday. It's a food podcast so like I'll leave it as a surprise. I'll leave it as a surprise. Yeah, let's leave it as a surprise forever. So yeah, so I was talking about how my birthday's day before St. Patrick's Day and I won and there was my people and we're like little rats coming in now. yes we're the immigrants people are like we can't because that invisible border we can't get them back and we're like um so yes i was talking about uh saint patrick's day and i got really hammered and i had to do the saint patrick's day gig in leicester square and i was like hello there happy day patrick's day and um then i went to burger and lobster with darryl breen and i think ard O 'Hanlon and in the podcast I do remember saying what was so lovely about going to this place was I was covered in butter but I didn't fancy anyone at the table so it was fine I could just be at one finally eating food after vomiting up from St.

13:37Patrick's Day so long and Dara got really offended that I didn't fancy him

13:47he's like uh so yeah listen to the old uh podcast and uh didn't know you didn't fancy me and I was like, what? Didn't give it away. The bib of me covered in butter going, I'm your bib if you don't eat them at the end, Dara. So yeah, so maybe Dara's. Yeah, yeah. Because I would love to go for dinner with him sometime. It's such an insight into Dara's break. Do you think he just walks around assuming that everyone fancies him? Ah, yeah. Tall men have a bit of that though, don't they? Yeah. You know, if you could see things up here. Well, we haven't given you a tall man's menu. Oh. No, a weedy little boy.

14:28It's a little, little man. Oh, no. Okay. Tonight, Ashton B. Yeah? You will be given the off-menu menu of... Josh Whittaker! Oh! Oh, my God! It's Josh Whittaker! The photo was a last-minute decision. and we literally what we said to Benito was just find quite a bad photo of Josh that would be perfect, can we just have another look at that I absolutely love that photo there he is look at that, you absolute arsehole he looks like someone's a family pony yeah

15:12hello nibbles look at Sugarloan what do you think about that Josh Widdicom's menu, do you think you'll like it or not like it before you've even heard it? I think he's maybe surprisingly spicy old Joshy. Hmm? Maybe. Surprisingly spicy? Yeah, I just think he'd surprise us by enjoying heat. Hmm. Would he? I don't know. Have you had a meal with Josh before? Oh, God. I've definitely had loads of... I like to go around. I'm not technically a doctor, but then who is? Do you know what I mean? but I have often diagnosed Josh as having the upside down stomach disease you know what's that called what is it colic not colic more serious something upside down like your tummy's upside down upside down stomach disease boyatournomy

16:08inside out around and around it's a type of tummy issue where your digestive goes have to go down to go up so do they have to eat through their butt and shit through their mouth yeah it's Josh Whittaker I've had dinner with him I just told you no I think he's got an upside down tummy which is a real thing it's not exactly colic because I've seen him at events when I one time watched him vomit on a plug and we were like oh is this going to burn down but it didn't in fairness the place didn't burn down but he often has a bit of a dicky tum from yeah he used to yak all the time oh he yacked everywhere Benito if you've googled upside down tummy disease you can put it on the monitors so we can solve this that would be great it is a thing at the minute we just got heckled by the word colic it wasn't the most cheery thing that happened on a Friday night at the Albert Hall colic colic you're thinking of colic no oh, okay, I'm just trying to help.

17:11Have you got it? Have you suddenly remembered it? Could it be hiaceous hernia? Is it hiaceous hernia? Oh, yes, in part the C's, and then I run to you like Patrick Swayze and jump into your arms. Parisophagal hernia. That's Josh's drag name. Yes, so I have diagnosed him with that. He's never gone to a doctor. I haven't really Googled him much. I just think that's what he has. It doesn't sound like his menu's going to be spicy then, does it, to be fair? I wouldn't risk spice if I had upside-down tummy disease. But see, he doesn't think he does. No, he doesn't. So he might be risking it again. He thinks everyone else's tummies are upside-down.

17:50Yeah. Yeah. He has an Australian inside, but very much an English outside. Yes. Yes. So racist both times. Lovely work there, James. Thank you. Lovely work, beautiful. now your dream meal for your water course you chose still water so i guess you're hoping for that from josh's menu as well yes i would well as again speaking as a doctor i wouldn't want someone with an upside down stomach having bubbles you know so i would want him to have still water to just get that h2o into him you know hydration is really important when you've something wrong with your stomach i'm trying to embrace the sort of doctor character this will be a good opportunity as well because we'll run through your menu alongside to remind you of what you picked good and you can if you want to make changes as we go through this to your dream menu you can absolutely do that i get to do a live edit also can i just say which is very nice and again i don't know if it's like teeing up to the birthday cake but um the lads did leave me bread and kerry gold butter uh which was money yes do you know that i mentioned kerry gold on this podcast at the start this podcast has turned into this and i have yet to be sent i know it's hard to post but a free thing of butter that's disgraceful all the years that's disgrace they should send you the cow yeah it has become a running thing on the podcast kerry gold yeah and you started it thank you very every irish guest has picked kerry gold butter yeah and if they haven't i think they've had their passport taken away.

19:18Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do. They get sent back to the moon. The moon. The moon, the moon. Oh! Yes, the... Josh Whittacombe's tummy would go crazy on the moon. Oh, man. Oh, my God. He'd be like, oh, God, oh, no. This is a small step for people with parasophical hair.

19:41Yes, and you also left me my dessert backstage as well, or a version of it, my pecan tarts. This is really nice that you think me and James had anything to do with this. This is the first, I'm hearing it. The lads left me bread and Kerrygold butter, and me and James looking at each other going, no, I didn't fucking do that. Did you do that? Oh, my God, it was Benito. It was Benito. It was Benito.

20:04Guys, do you think Benito's in love with me? Oh, my God, yes. Here's the question. if you went for dinner with Benito, would you put any of that butter around your face and would you wear a bib? Oh my God, I'd definitely put the butter on my face hoping that maybe he'd reach across and put a piece of bread on my face to get it off.

20:29Oh my God, I don't know why I can continue this show. I'm too horny. Well, we've got you just how we want you. Let's start the menu, Ashley. Okay. This is Josh Whittingham's water course. You like still water, and he's going for sparkling water, and a cup of tea. See, now, back in my day when I did this podcast, you weren't allowed a cup of tea, because that is delicious to me. I would, of course, have a cup of tea if I started. Delicious. What type of tea, though? You can't just say a cup of tea. I think he did just say a cup of tea, you know. So I guess you could have whatever cup of tea you would like.

21:03Didn't even specify how much milk. Does he put the bag in first? Does he put the milk in first? Because obviously nobody with a good brain does that. for a sign of psychopathy. Not in the John Ronson book about psychopaths, but if you put the milk in first, then I don't know. So the milk in first, and then the next? As they say, milk in first, murder second. Yeah.

21:25Again, I'm no psychologist, but then who is?

21:30But that's a surefire way to work it out. Yes, and then you have to specify, do you want sugar in there? sugar in your tea after 35 are you a baby pull yourself together whoa i mean it i mean it i mean it missus over there with your baby fruit juice on your come on we need to get ourselves together now okay yeah did you used to put sugar in your tea and then there was a conscious decision i've grown out of this yes the government got in touch yeah they send a letter to your house you're no longer a wizard are you and you just have to sort of um I don't mention that I told you you weren't a wizard anymore you're no longer a wizard we're taking it back because of your belief of human rights could you take us through Aisling just something for the woke people not you James I hate it, I love Harry Potter you're playing Hagrid in the new movie aren't you yeah I'm going to be Hagrid me and Nick Frost are playing it together I'm on his back like Banjo-Kazooie could you take us through Aisling B's perfect cup of tea please yes I will thank you Aisling tea cup of B Aisling tea is a Barry's tea bag yes so Irish people do you know that there's now and again they'll never send me any free stuff when I mention on this podcast there's so it's a gold label Barry's tea is the Irish tea bags they're in a red box but they've just done a black box and it is so delicious especially if you've hard water in your area it mixes very well with hard water boil that kettle it must be boiled james don't ever put cold water on a tea bag yeah james and leave it in for about a minute then ouchy pops come over a full fat milk don't be semi-skimmed again that's too far into adulthood you can baby yourself a little bit by going full fat creamy nice milk in we go, good old drop you want it to be the right level of brown and then we give it a twirl and then we put a twirl into it because you can't be putting sugar in it because that's for babies but you can put a full twirl great that's the hack, you can put a full twirl into it, let it dip but be very careful you have to in, be brave be brave, out and then pop delicious, sexy cup of tea.

23:59I mean, it does actually sound nice, the twirl. I think there's enough people in here that someone will try that. Yeah. Because within the twirl, you've got the thing so it can act as a straw as well. So the second time you go in with the twirl, you bite off the head of it like a prawn. Very much the prawns of the chocolate world, the twirls. And then you put it in and you suck the tea up and then through the twirl. So again, don't have sugar, don't be a baby. But you'll get some of that sweet sugar on the way up as it comes in through the twirls. I really don't mind it. But don't be a baby. But don't be a baby.

24:32Don't be a baby. People do that with Tim Tams, right? You know Tim Tams? I do know Tim Tams because my boyfriend does Australian. Yes, of course. I remember my friend went on a gap year to Australia and he came back and he was like, wait till you see this. And he pulled out a bag of Tim Tams, bit the end off both ends, and then sucked his cup of tea. And it's the hardest I've ever seen anyone suck at anything. So I watched this, it's so cool. I'm like, oh! So glad I didn't take a gap year. Isn't, because they don't do, they don't really do gap years in Ireland. Isn't a gap year supposed to like, and no offence to Australians, including the one who got me pregnant, but isn't a gap year supposed to broaden your horizons and understanding of the world?

25:12Yeah, well, he wasn't sucking teeth through a bourbon before he went. Yeah, that's true. He discovered something new. Just, it's not exactly a magical carpet ride to go to Australia and come back with Tim Tams, man. I'm glad he took the year. I've got a magic carpet, though. I could take them there. Yeah. No, I've heard about it. It's official now. I've got one. What are you going to... Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, but it's not Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, Pop it up, God. God, you actually scared the shit out of me there. It felt great.

25:41Fellas, you're going to scare them. Ladies. James. Spot the red flags early. Call the police. James, do remember when you do callbacks to that, that when the podcast is put out, they won't include the first half.

26:05I trust Benito will be on my side in the edit. Remove anything that doesn't make any sense, eh, Benito? I'm sorry I bully you off mic.

26:20Poppadoms are bread, Josh Whittacombe, of course, is the question. And Josh Whittacombe said, a pile of 90s poppadoms with mainly the yogurt dip, mango chutney and lime pickle. Now, it was Josh Whittacombe, so of course the 90s was going to come up, but what does 90s poppadoms mean to you, Aislinn B? I don't know because I only really had, like I didn't even have pasta until about the 2000s because there just didn't, the first time I had spaghetti, I think I was 16 and it was my neighbour's French friend who said... Irish laws are weird, aren't they? You have to wait. It was just a different time.

26:56She's like, you can have spaghetti. And I was like, what? I don't know. We're not, you know, a bit much for us now. I don't know about that. And she put ketchup and grated cheese over it. She's like, that's Italian food. And I was like, Jesus, that's lovely. That was the first time I ever had spaghetti. So I didn't have a papadam. I'd say I didn't have any... Definitely didn't have... I don't think I'd had Indian food until I moved to London. I didn't have Italian food until I was about 16. I didn't, yeah, so 90s Papadam is, it doesn't have a reference to me, yeah. Well, it's talking to Pastor Leah over here has a question for you.

27:35Leah, do you want to ask a question? Leah went home in the interval. Oh, Leah. He was like, I've seen enough. What a way to find that out. Oh, Leah, is she still over there? Do I mean... Lauren. Wow. Wow, James. James, man. Remember her name. James. She has a name, James. She has a name. I cannot believe this shit, man. I just say the first girl's name that comes to my head. I call all girls Leah. Because I like to leer at them.

28:15Is it Lauren? I'm so sorry about that, Lauren. if you were in class school. You are seen, you are heard and you have a name. Though I will say, Lauren, in terms of like, where's the girl who was talking about the pasta, you probably should have worked out it was you. Thank you, Ashley. That's what we're saying, that's fine. An ally. Ally.

28:41Ally on the streets. Hates you in the sheets, I don't know. Oh yes, the pasta thing. Well, I would like to think my favourite one to eat is the one that looks like an airplane neck pillow. What's that one? You know, the one that looks like a... Macaroni? No, no, no. It's got stuff inside in it. Are you thinking of an airplane neck pillow? Have you... I am, yes. You know, when you put pasta inside an airplane neck pillow, I'm like, you're going to zip, zip, zip. Back to sleep we go. Lauren's question is, and she asks this to everyone, would you like to ask it to Aisling? Yeah, no. If you were a pasta shape, what pasta shape would you be?

29:14If you were a pasta shape, what pasta shape would you be? If you were a pasta shape, what pasta shape would you be? Yes. I repeat my answer the airplane neck pillow one what is also Lauren did you not say are you second generation Italian yes oh you speak Italian oh why don't you ask me an Italian Lauren

29:33you can't just say tiramisu tiramisu tiramisu oh do you not have any Italian that's totally fine if you don't oh you don't have any Italian oh em ok well e for me and a nickerspilos and a lini. The one with the filling in it and it's all rolled up. Cataloni? Tortellini. Tortellini. Tortellini's smaller though, isn't it? Than a neck pillow, yes it is. I was thinking the size of a neck pillow here. We're not coming across great. Don't say we. Try and drag me into your fucking cesspit of sexism.

30:17you got your ratios off with the pastor i thought that's good enough come over here with me i'm going to get the video of you forcing me to to do that to the spout of that thing and then just leave that without comment and get you cancelled i am behind the thing so you could just dub it over with anything you get ai to do my voice and be like that's it wank off the spout well no no need to get AI to do it now just do that bit

30:50said it completely clean with no background as well chop that up and use it anywhere guaranteed Benito's done that already and we can play at the end of the show straight in there god damn it Benito so you'd be the you'd be a tortellini Yes, but then being Irish, maybe the one with potato in it is... Gnocchi. Oh, I wish... Do you know what? If I thought about that for longer, I'd be like, Gnocchi, Gnocchi, who's there? Aisling tea. Aisling tea who? Birthday cake.

31:31That's my favourite pasta. Birthday cake. Birthday cake. HS, Gnocchi, Gnocchi.

31:39That was a good knocky-knocky joke. Yeah, I like your knocky-knocky joke. Yeah, it is a good knocky-knocky joke where you just said some things you remember from 10 minutes ago. So you wanted bread when you came on the podcast with Kerrygold butter, of course, sourdough bread. So this is not really the kind of vibe you would go for for your drink meal. Would you have poppadoms now? Oh, yeah. I have a big Indian family now. My brother-in-law's Indian, so we eat loads of Indian food now. Woo, yes, a big shout out to the Carolins in the audience. Is there any Carolins? So we use a lot of Carolin food as well in particular.

32:13So yes, I would have a lot of Papa Doms. They do take the piss out of me because sometimes they're like, is that Papa Dom too spicy for you? And I'm like, no, I can just about manage it because I'm still not great with heat. I'm good with spice, but I'm still not great with heat. Josh Winnickam, would you want to eat this meal with Josh? See, I'm now starting to think that man, that man, that man, um got the picture of Josh up again please yes please yes please the sad pony no come on I love this he's not even here every time a picture of him appears everyone laughs um my little pony I think might not be able to for a spice and I'll tell you why it's because he really focused on the yogurt part of the dip he really does yeah he wanted mostly mostly yogurt dip with it yeah and a bit of a matter I put yogurt on everything do you yeah I put yogurt on absolutely everything it's big I would put yogurt on you, Acaster, if I had the chance.

33:08Clip that up. Yeah. Give me something to fight back with.

33:15Yes, I love you. So I think he might be a bit of me needing. Okay. So you would eat this meal with Josh? So far, yes, yes. Fantastic. What's your favourite thing to put yogurt on before we move on? Oh, do you know what I don't mind? A bit of poached salmon on a piece of toast, a bit of kimchi on top of that, and a bit of yogurt on top of that. sounds very fancy very nice yeah layers top that's another one you can't be eating with someone you fancy just it's yogurt and it's not a plain yogurt no bueno as Lauren wouldn't say because she's a big Italian Ed's just checking if it's a plain yogurt plain yogurt it's not a crunch corner is it yeah

33:54no it's a petty falu yeah I'm a baby sometimes a Greek a big thick Greek yogurt or a lavender Don't mind a lab. Now, oh, God, I should have eaten before I did the podcast. And I realize.

34:08I'm Jake Stouck, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications. My laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work. And that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company.

34:47This is a new way to run IT. We guarantee you'll automate 50 % of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com slash ACAST. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash ACAST. While every other channel is fighting for your customers' attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. ACAST gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked.

35:28Don't fight for attention. Buy it with ACAST. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.

35:39Let's get into Josh's menu proper then. Your dreams. Well, this is Josh Whittacombe's dream starter. You will be eating two slices of toast. One with marmite and one with marmalade. Paddington Bear. Oh, my gosh. Well, let's check the picture of him quickly. Is he Paddington Bear? Let's see the picture, please. Yes, he is. Straight in from Peru, Josh Whittacombe. You'd lose a marmalade sandwich in that hair. Yes. He is the most Paddington of all the comedians, I think. Yes, he is. I can imagine him escorting the Queen to the afterlife.

36:19No, it's this way. No, no, no. It's definitely this way. No, over here. After life, this way. Come this way, Mum. What's that? When did that happen? Sorry, James isn't online. We need to explain quite a lot of these things to him. When the Queen died... Did you not know? I remember. I'm so sorry. The only woman I liked...

36:51Yeah, that's when the Queen died. a picture went around the internet so someone had done seriously like a drawing of it's like their backs but it was Paddington like leading leading the queen off I think I can't remember exactly what the caption was written under it was something like that's enough for you now or something like it wasn't that

37:14it wasn't that that's enough for you now something like now now all finished that'll do pig that'll do bonito find that picture and put it up on the big screen he's taking it to hell

37:35I think the person who drew it was probably pro queen and was insinuating heaven really oh it would be good if the next picture is Paddington taking his face off and it's the devil you have lived an awful life yeah a toasted marmalade sandwich on his horns.

37:57I'm not in charge of the screen, is what Benito's written there. Thank you, Benito. Bad luck, Benito. I didn't know there'd been a mutiny backstage. And he's lost all of his... He's tied to an office chair.

38:13I'm not in charge of the screen. Get help, it's me, Benito. Stop laughing. I got an ice cream. Benito, can you find out what the caption was on the Paddington and Queen picture and put it up on the little screen for us, please? I'm just curious now. Are you going to prefer the Marmite or the Marmalade toast? Again, I'm going out with an Australian who recently presented a piece of toast to my Irish mother who'd never had Marmite before and she thought it was Nutella. And she, like had been hit by the devil or an exorcist, she went against the wall, just like, no! I've never eaten something so disgraceful in my life so Marmite is in the house not for me but I don't find Marmite that Marmite yeah like I'm like it's fine sorry to interrupt it was thank you mum for everything what did you say it was?

39:08thank you mum for everything thank you mum for everything but what did you think it was? oh come on now all done

39:19it's the same sort of same meaning in a way is marmite not a thing in in ireland no not really wouldn't you say irish people in we don't really no no we'll move here but we won't accept your ways we'll make love to your men we'll pay the odd bit of tax but we won't take your spreads is there is there an equivalently noxious spread in ireland again the only spice is salt so um just butter really it probably is butter is the equivalent i don't think we do have an equivalent spread marmalade is really big it's a real big like granddad's breakfast apparently it came from um queen marie of somewhere or mary no queen mary of probably england i probably should have researched this at some point was was sick and a vitamin c is obviously in oranges and her chef who was french was basically like marie m 'a lade mary is sick and he made her like an orange concoction and that was where marmalade came from.

40:31I love that. Marmalade. So, is this QI or is this off-menu? And that's actually how it came to be. I may I be the first to say to Queen Mary, thank you, Mum, for everything. In the words of Winnie the Pooh. Eat that sandwich.

40:50So you don't, sorry, I interrupted before because I got the caption. You don't find marmite that marmite. Yeah, you know there's like, oh, it's a bit marmite for me, like you either hate it or you love it. I'm sort of like oh i don't it's it's not going to it's it's it's a it the metaphor doesn't work with me yeah so you can you can retool that phrase now you can use that's a bit marmite yeah like how was your day marmite yeah fine yeah it's fine i'm not bothered either way yeah exactly they can't market that i guess no it's hard it is a harder push it's fine you can get something else if you but if it's there why not Marmite Marmite some of you will like it just fine and also because I have to mention it for Jack it's Vegemite is the Australian one are there Australians in of course there always are Irish and Australians us cheeky lads and yes they are very passionate about being Vegemite but I don't totally see the difference I just don't really is that, I mean, Australians are in, what is the difference?

41:57Oh my God, I heard someone over there go, sorry much, sorry much. I can't even explain. Who said sorry much over there?

42:13Doesn't it sound like, it sounds like just so every time. So. So. What does it mean? Sounds like a car going past. Sort of salt and petrol or something. What's in it? Yeast. It's yeast extract. It's the thing that's left over from brewing, I believe. Yeah, okay. Was it on your series that you had to make Marmite of Taskmaster? Oh, God, it was. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't remember anything I do. Truly. I have to try and remember what I said in this podcast today. Yes, I did in Taskmaster have to make Marmite. You don't remember what I did? because you did a podcast and I did that podcast with you. Yes.

42:53For Taskmaster, yes. Hold on a second. I think I've done a podcast with you as well. What? Oh, I know where I know you're from. All night it's been bugging me. Who's this handsome guy? Yeah, I did have to make Taskmaster to Marmite. I suppose I can't, well it's not going to be a great anecdote because I can't remember what I did or there were a lot of things I did on that show that I don't totally remember but oh do the memes remind me that I took my trousers off. Well let's say that for this course the Marmite you've got in the toast is made by one of the Taskmaster contestants of your series.

43:31This is a great question by the way before you ask it. Thank you Ed. Love your guys' relationship. You guys are clearly fucking, I'm so into it. I adore this. Aisling and before you answer it I'm happy to remind you of who you're on Taskmaster with. yes yes nish thank you nish bob mortimer sally phillips and mark watson well done yeah which one of them do you want to make the marmite for you i would trust the most i don't think nish can cook at all correct um uh we know this bob i wouldn't trust him to put together something i would eat at all he'd sort of get lost in the clouds or something like that in some way mark sally would make something i'd have to eat because i love her so much but it wouldn't be delicious but mark watson would try to do it exactly right yeah he would over research he would try to get he would lose his mind in the process of trying to put together a marmite and it would be probably delicious i think that's the correct answer um yes but i think he just really commit he'd learn how to cook for the task.

44:38I think it is the good answer, yeah. You chose calamari when you came on the podcast as the starter, and you might have even been the first person to choose that very popular starter, again, a trendsetter. Would that still be your dream starter now? Very interesting. Would it still be my dream starter? Maybe not. Maybe I've grown. Maybe I'm a big girl now, and I can change... Yeah, no, I probably would probably pick it. I love it. It's really crunchy and tasty. You can dip it in things. Little rings. It's kind of like a fancy hula hoop. You know? That thing there. Has anyone seen the new trailer for the Spielberg film where Emily Blunt starts speaking an alien language?

45:19Exactly like that. You should see the trailer. Emily Blunt is reading the news or something, and then she starts going... And you're meant to be like, wow, this is an incredible alien film. You're like, why is Emily Blunt beatboxing on the news? so when you did all the calamari stuff it was like that you're like see here's the thing about acting that's very hard on the day you're like i might win an oscar and then when they edit it together and it's such pants you're so shooketh that you didn't sort of like in your head you thought you were the best actor and then they yeah they do you dirty in the edit but i bet she was like they were like emily we love it so we need more it's going to be like, oh no, she's an alien.

46:03But that's probably what happens. You put your trust in so many people when you do something. I'm never doubting Blunt for a second. Yeah. James or Emily. Yeah, James Blunt. Yeah, I'm never doubting James. Sorry, I didn't know we were talking about Emily Blunt.

46:20As we've already covered, your main course was lobster. Yes. Now, Josh Whittacombe, famously a vegetarian, so it's unlikely that it's going to be lobster. but you can still have this main course with Dara and with Ardell if you want it this is Josh Whittacombe's dream main course Franco Manca Pizza number 5 wasn't that a song in the 90s I like a plain starter I like a plain main I even like a tea Franco Manca Pizza number 5

47:00no anchovies added chili oh and yet the sad pony has just kicked his back leg

47:09and a side salad it's like he's all men everywhere he is all of us josh by the way That's what's so beautiful about him. I think it's Franco Manca Pizza number five, no anchovies. It looked like it could be Franco Manca Pizza, no five, no anchovies. It's not, the five is the number, I think. The five is, it's not Franco Manca Pizza, no five, no. The band Five come in and try and eat his pizza. He is very obsessed with the 90s, so that probably is a legitimate Josh Whittakam concern, is that five might come in and eat his pizza. No, five! Oh, no, they slammed down to the funk. I'll have my pizza.

47:54But yes, A1, you know. Is that a famous type of pizza? Franco Manco, number five. You don't remember A1? What? A1. Do you remember A1, Ashley? Do I remember which? A1, apparently. A1. Apparently that's the thing. It's a road, isn't it? Oh, no, I was thinking of the boy band. Yeah, so was I. You sang A-Ha at me just now. I'm going nuts. They did a cover of A-Ha. What the fuck has happened to this episode? You started talking about paper or roads and I don't know what you're on about. What? What's A1? A1 were a boy band in the 90s who did a cover of the A-Ha song, Take Me On. Yes. You were talking about a British road?

48:37Okay, okay, okay. My joke, A1, was related to five. No five, but yes, A1. and it didn't get a great reaction from the room because I think my reference was too specific and I didn't drive it home enough but I thought at least my friend James would back me up on it. Absolute sheer fucking confusion from this guy. This is like if the movie A Beautiful Mind had no budget.

49:04Could I just ask Franco Manco, Franco Manco, Franco Manco? It's hard to say, isn't it? I've just realised that myself. Hard to say. Franco Manco Pizza, number five. Does anyone here ever work there or is that number five a pizza a type of a special type of pizza? Yeah, it's like all the pizzas are number one, two, three, four, five. I did assume that much to be fair. Number five is always. What? Before five, there's four other pizzas, James. Tell me more, you're big facts. I'm having a fucking nightmare. I'm having a nightmare. there oh wait no benito has a message for us boys yeah come on skip let's go franco manca pizza number five is cantabria cantabrian anchovies 100 italian tomato or as you call it tomato lauren

50:00mozzarella calmata black olives capers garlic and oregano or oregano i'm so hollywood what I would say is Josh doesn't want the anchovies on that and if you remove the anchovies it's a fucking margarita so he wants a margarita pizza but with chillies on it I think more chillies yes maybe he wants to order a pizza so then he can ask for things removed because that's kind of a status thing isn't it it's very LA isn't it very LA very showbiz you know I'd like a pizza no cheese no bread just the essence just let me smell the oven yeah just let me smell the baker's hands and then I'll leave I'll leave my tip yes okay okay I can see I think what Josh is looking for from this menu is a sense of safety and comfort and a hug that's what feels like it's going on with Joshy doesn't it a sense of my who hurt you I'll hug I'll hug Josh he's our friend isn't he yeah he's our friend I want to give him a little cuddle aww see who hurt him let's go see him now bye guys come on guys when you said about the la thing there you were also the first person on the pod to ever mention cafe gratitude yes oh yes which is the place in la where you have to order stuff by saying you know it's all called what is it it's like it's all the all the dishes are called things like uh like fortitude and strength and inner peace and you have to order by saying i i would like strength or i i or like i am strength i think yes i i am gratitude i am strength and that means like a franco mantel pizza number five yeah i told you what happened to me at cafe gratitude they came and asked me what i wanted to drink and i said i am coffee because there's no but i was having fun with it i was like there's no name for the coffee and then they said how do you want how do you want the coffee and i without thinking said i am black

52:03someone else say something now hello I'm Aisling B the new host of Off Menu Podcast with James Acaster we're done we're done man

52:19there's a man here tonight who punched a deaf man in the ear Yeah, Griff. Do you know what, Griff? If you were laughing right now, you could talk. Yes, no, let's move on from that if we can, if we can in any way. That's great. We had the, because it's a vegan cafe. When we went to Cafe Gratitude in LA together with Benito, we had the most vegan experience ever. So we walked in, it's already a vegan experience being in Cafe Gratitude. And guess who was sat in the cafe? Moby. Wow. The OG vegan. The OG vegan. Moby, I always get mixed up between Moby. There's two songs. Is Moby...

53:04Is that Moby? I don't think so.

53:11Who is that? Massive attack. Massive attack. Very good. Do you know what? More people should have said that. My girl's down the front. Thank you, ladies. then Moby is... LAUGHTER For the listener. But it's that same like... Hmm... Isn't it, Moby? Moby is... Moby is... Sing to me, Edward. I am Moby. What is... There's a famous Moby. Yeah. Yeah.

53:45No, that's the lion sleeps tonight. I am Moby, I'm really Moby I'm a vegan, so asleep tonight A lovely vegan I won't eat you, Mr Lion Thanks for everything, ma 'am What is the Moby song? Does anyone know? If we're talking about...

54:14I went my way, I went my way You have to do it. Someone does it, you've got to do it. Yeah, you've got to start going to Wimble, wait. It's like, come on, Eileen. What? From Jason Bourne, you know the one. From Jason Bourne, you know the one. Oh, yeah, wait a minute, let me think of the Jason Bourne soundtrack. Because that always helps me remember a Moby song. Imonic that we can't remember something from Jason Bourne. Yeah. Just someone sing the tune. We're in the Royal Albert Hall. The acoustics will make it sound amazing. All I remember about Moby is he released his entire album available for adverts.

54:51So that music's been on loads of adverts, but I couldn't remember one song. The album's called Play. These two girls are the only people who are really here tonight. Do you know what? No, I'm not going to ask my boyfriend to sing it. He's like a musical encyclopedia. Sing the song. We don't know the fucking song. You sing the song. Why is everything on us tonight? Nice. Because there's so much pressure on us to do the work. Benito, if you can wriggle... I haven't had my birthday cake yet. Benito, if you can wriggle out of your shackles, can you play a Moby song? A little bit of Monica in my life.

55:33Mambo number five is the opposite of what we like in the manifesto. I'm going to go over here, and I hope someone over here will be able to sing. I'm going to go over here,

55:44Oh, so what he thinks the Moby song is, James, is Kettering Town FC. Yes. I knew I knew the Moby song. Does anyone here know the Moby tune? What? We'll move on, but you get the phones out. Do you know who I hope listens to this podcast? Moby. They will be gutted. What a day-ruiner for him. That's a whole other rule. Oh, no one knows my song. Yeah, he'll be crying into a... Wee! End of Moby's Day, just weeping into a bacon sandwich. They don't know my song, but they're like... I feel terrible because... Yes! What is it? Yes! Hush! Let the people sing! What? What? Oh, Lord, my troubles with God, don't nobody know mine.

56:43Oh, Lord, any trouble be gone, ain't nobody know mine. Yeah. Ain't nobody know mine. That's what you were trying to do. That's what you were trying to do. You sang your worst version of it. I just found... That's what you were trying to do. And we all said you were foolish. We all said you were crazy. He knew, he knew. We didn't believe the guy at the start. It was like, they're building a fort. There's a big wave coming. And we're like, that crazy scientist. Well, that was a long walk for a ham sandwich.

57:24I'm Jake Stouck, co-founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding, password resets, access to applications. My laptop stopped working. while employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work and that's why they need Serval. You just tell Serval what you want to automate in plain English and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Serval, IT becomes the AI engine powering the entire company.

58:03This is a new way to run IT. We guarantee you'll automate 50 % of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four-week pilot. Go to serval.com slash ACAST. That's S-E-R-V-A-L dot com slash ACAST. While every other channel is fighting for your customer's attention, podcasts are where they've already given it. No one accidentally listens to a podcast for 45 minutes. They choose to be here. They trust the voice in their ears. And when that voice talks about your brand, it doesn't sound like advertising. It sounds like a recommendation from a friend. Acast gives you that trust at scale. Digital precision, post-read authenticity, and performance data that proves it worked.

58:44Don't fight for attention. Buy it with Acast. Learn more by visiting acast.com slash advertise.

58:55The question is, what is the side dish for this pizza? This is the dream side dish. I've just wanted to come. sag paneer lovely very nice but again isn't too hot I would feel sag paneer I'd say one of the mildest things in the world I love a bit of paneer it's just like a lovely little chunky little texture when you get in there and you're like oh another bit and it's hard not to just eat it all immediately and then there's a sauce left but I do like a cheeky little bit of paneer it's kind of like eating a pillow that's the second time you've talked about eating a pillow is it? You actually had a neck pillow that you were going to eat earlier.

59:33No, I was. And now you're eating a pillow pillow. Amazing that you'd forgotten you'd said that. I did. I did. I got so thrown by the Moby tangent, to be honest, and the people singing there, and I thought it was a really beautiful moment. I'll never forget what did happen there. Yes, paneer, sag paneer, delicious choice, I would say. Here's the question. Are you getting a slice of the pizza and dipping it into the sag paneer and scooping up a big bit? Yes, yes, yes. I'm a big take the bits and make the little bits using little boats, using carbohydrates to make little breads and little alternative open sandwiches from the dinner that you have.

1:00:10Potato waffles, stick it under things, yum, yum, yum, into the, yes, little tiny boats, all filled with different products into your mouth, each time a new experience. A whole new world, don't you dare close your eyes, as you'd say on your magic. Are they my culture?

1:00:32You chose a lobster as the main and then mashed potato as the side. So are you scooping the lobster into the mashed potato? No, because the lobster has its own shell. I would use a lobster, which is a harder texture, James, to put the mash onto. So then the lobster technically is acting as your bread and the potato is acting as your lobster.

1:00:52How's it all going for you, Aisling, at the moment? Yeah, I feel like... I feel like Moby probably will feel after he... Moonlighting, how was so fun? That is a song. That is it. That is it, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I'd take the massive attack one again. If you'd lost it again. I don't know what the song was. Try and find it. Sets him off again. Ooh, wee.

1:01:20Domino. Ooh, ooh.

1:01:24Those adverts, man. Don't like those adverts? I absolutely hated him for a while and then one of them got me which one got you? the one where she's running for the train and she's got to tell him something he's like what is it? she goes I was like I don't know that must suck for that guy she got him with that I don't think I've ever genuinely seen you laugh yeah for people just listening James is the most joyous any of us have ever seen him remembering Domino Hoo Hoo The Domino, it's still going. Domino Hoo Hoo is so funny in that one advert. And it works that it's bad for all the rest of them and annoying and I hate it.

1:02:06And then it gets me on that one. Yeah. That lady, the way she delivers it to that guy. Domino Hoo Hoo. James Acaster, talk to me about some of your inspirations and what comedy drives you to do what you do. The Domino Hoo Hoo advert. Absolutely Domino Hoo Hoo. Let's come up with another Domino Hoo Hoo advert. Okay. Let's write it together and maybe Domino's will be listening to this. What are the hallmarks of the Domino Hoo Hoo adverts that we definitely need to include? Domino Hoo Hoo, obviously. They need to say... I think the main rule of it is that they just need to say Domino Hoo Hoo at the end and there needs to be some sort of build-up to them saying that where you wouldn't expect them to say it.

1:02:46And it doesn't need to make any sense why they're saying it. Permission to pitch? Yeah. So I'm doing a tune and I'm like, Moonlighting And I'm like Domino They're like Moby That would be good If the advert Is like This Yeah Live Off menu live Trying to remember Aisling going What's the Moby song Yeah And then someone Puts their hand up And he stands up And it's Moby himself Yeah And go What was the song Moby And he goes Domino That's good That is good. Domino hoo-hoo is funny, though. I can see, if you were up close, to see the actual joy in this man, in the real James Acaster's eyes, from remembering the Domino's advert.

1:03:43Beautiful thing to watch. It's so shit. Yeah. I knew you were in there, really, James. Yeah. Oh, there you are, Peter. It's you, Peter. That would be that. if I was in Hook if I was Robbie Williams in Hook yeah they would be like that with my face oh there you are Peter and I'm like Domino

1:04:10James has a lost voice then I fly up in the air I found my happy force Domino that would be a good caption for the Queen and Paddington picture yeah What? Domino. Oh, that would be a great advert. It's Paddington and the Queen. And they're walking through all the clouds and they get to the pearly gates. And she looks at him and he goes, Domino. And then he pushes her into hell.

1:04:41Hooray, Paddington. Burn in hell, mom. May you burn forever in hell, mom. Domino.

1:04:56three adverts bitch there that's perfect yeah i know they're gonna be delighted with all the free press no it's dream drink time yes your dream drink was a love me good cocktail yes which has never come back on the podcast is you're the only one who's ordered a love me good vermouth cherry liqueur and whiskey you still love a love me good it was from and i went back to the cocktail bar it's from a cocktail bar in new york oh my god it was so delicious and i keep on what a surprise for getting the name of the cocktail bar because it was something like airport lounge, but it wasn't airport lounge.

1:05:28And I made a point to try and tell you guys and track it down afterwards. And I have forgotten it again. So it was a real cocktail. Oh, does anyone know what the name of the bar was? Thank you. Very good. Domino. But since then, I have changed it to, is it a whiskey sour? which is the one with the egg whites on top. Whiskey sour. It's a mad egg whites in it. And I was working with Jameson Whiskey for a while and they made me my own cocktail guys, my own version of it with Jameson Whiskey and they made it green for St. Patrick's Day because it's my birthday today before. As if you guys didn't know.

1:06:09Benita, you can go and get a fucking cake right now. We're in so much shit. Get out of those shackles and go and get us a cake. And tie yourself, you little weed. Go and get a cup. Anyways. I keep on looking behind me because I don't know what direction it's going to come anyways you guys speak love it if at the end he just runs full pelt on stage where Kate trips over and smashes his face into it and then we have to go home Benito going I made a cake so yes and it was dyed green with something and had like an apple liqueur in it as well oh my god it was absolutely fantastic delicious I've got to say Ashley that sounds absolutely foul I know now that I describe it but you would have drank one because I had them at my birthday party and I remember because I had a load of them being handed out at the start of my birthday party and everyone had a great time and then the next day everyone had very bad days afterwards very very bad loads yeah we called it the day of the green shits yeah happy St Patrick's Day I've gone all out this year I made the road rise to meet you on your travels so yes that's now my current favourite that was the green drink the green drink with the egg whites on top because you can trick yourself into thinking it's like a protein shake yeah well do you want to have a quick guess at what Josh has picked another tea yeah yeah tea yeah yeah yeah when I said a cocktail look how much detail I went into to just describe a cocktail that's what I mean wouldn't you would there be no more because for me I everyone doesn't everyone just describe their cup of tea in case like a terrible disappointment is en route.

1:07:53You can't just say that and expect someone to bring you the drink you want. There's such a vast array of the ways you can make your tea. To be fair, when Josh came to the podcast, he was promoting his tour which is called Not My Cup of Tea, so I think he just kept saying tea. Interesting, interesting. Okay, so this is a brandy thing. So tea, yes, tea. I understand, yes. I once did Room 101 with Heston blumenthal and he said you have you should put the milk in first or a cup of tea and that's the right way to make a cup of tea i mean look at the sort of food he cooks do you mean wild and wacky of course a man puts his milk into his tea first but is that how a person should behave during the normal day but then what to get okay so this isn't funny at all this is just the the science i'm not a scientist but then who is putting the tea bag in and then allowing boiling water infuses and allows the tea to escape yeah if you put a tea bag into cold milk what you want you want is milk what i don't understand why anyone would ever put a milk into the tea but because then the tea can't be used and there's no point you're not really using the bag but i think it all tastes the fucking same personally oh it's marmite to you it's all marmite it's all marmite to you what i used to like to do i don't really drink tea i drank a lot of squash when i was a kid blew my mind the first day I filled up the glass of water and then poured the squash in after the water watch it all move around you have to understand children the 90s were a different time we didn't have the internet we didn't have pornography addictions we had to we had to wank over squash pour our squash in last if we wanted a frill

1:09:40pour your squash in last rub your tummy that's what I did

1:09:45in ireland the squash isn't called robinson's it's called my waddy and what yes what's it called my waddy james my waddy my waddy shout out to my waddy drinkers my my waddy my waddy we can it's so sorry but it is a funny country sometimes isn't it it's called my waddy my waddy my waddy and um is that one word it's m-i yeah w-a-d-i my waddy my waddy and uh we and i used to drink as a teenager vodka my waddy and that was my drink was vodka my waddy like that was a great cocktail in my town and i remember coming to london for the first time and being at the bar and being like hi can i get a vodka my waddy and they were like oh sorry what babes and i was like yeah just a vodka um what in my waddy i thought i'm sorry and to sit there and have to explain to that excited man yeah what i meant and he was like do you mean robinson's i was like i don't i don't know who they are i just didn't know what but squat you call it squash or robinson's here yes yeah not my waddy i could help sipping my waddy Sipping on my wadi Not just anybody Okay, now I'm singing a Sam Campbell song and that's not helping anyone.

1:11:04Have you seen that song? All of you do yourself a favour after this. Oh, is this... I'm putting Sam Campbell's Ricky Gervais song and watch that. It's incredible. That is funny, man. And then you'll think back to me singing Sipping my wadi and you'll go, yeah, that was good.

1:11:21So he wants another cup of tea. I mean, are you happy to have two cups of tea in this meal? I have tea all day long at all points. It's left all over the house. I go collecting in the evenings. I literally have a little basket and I go collecting the teas from around the house. Kind of like, again, my memory probably isn't the best. Kind of like, oh, look at cheeky old me, like little Easter eggs around the house. Like at the end of signs, but with tea. Have you seen signs? No, I haven't actually, James. I laughed along to yes and you, but I, to be honest, was frankly lost. Throughout the whole film, a little girl is like, she drinks these glasses of water, but she doesn't finish them.

1:12:01Yeah. And she just leaves them around the house. And spoiler alert here, if you haven't seen Signs, but, you know, it's been a long time. But at the end, the aliens turn up, and Joaquin Phoenix, well, Mel Gibson realises, this is how long ago this film was, Mel Gibson realises that the way to defeat the aliens is like they're allergic to water. So he gets Joaquin Phoenix to go around and swing a baseball bat and smash all the glasses so all the water goes on the aliens. And then the aliens run away from the planet because I guess one person hits some water on one of them. So I'm saying it's like signs, but with tea.

1:12:39Go home, watch signs, and then you'll think, oh yeah, that was good. Yeah. So she left loads of glasses of half-drunk water everywhere like I drink tea. Because with me, they said it was ADHD, but maybe it'll be the aliens. Yeah, it could be that there's an alien invasion going to happen. ADHD, no one going to say that. I've just got to say it really quickly. ADHD. Fantastic work, Ed Gamble. One clap, but that person really is important. ADHD. That is actually a Hollywood casting director that clapped out. And she liked your work. Let's get on to the dream dessert here. Now you chose hazelnut and pecan tart, which you said was in your dressing room tonight.

1:13:19Very nice of Benito to do that. Yeah, very nice touch. Again, no birthday cake. It's not like there was a candle in it. They were just a little thing that you guys did for me. But listen. I genuinely hope he's sorted it out now. This half has been an hour and ten minutes. I'm pretty sure he's had enough time to do it. If he hasn't done it, he's fired. He will definitely be sat back there going, they don't think I do anything in this show. They think I've got time to go get a birthday cake. They don't value me at all. Poor Benito. Poor Benito. That's what he sounds like. Here's what's going to happen, right, at the end.

1:13:54And then all the lights are going to go down. And then the candles will come in. And everyone will sing happy birthday. And then you'll blow the candles out. And the lights will come on. And there'll be no cake. I mean, Benito going, domino. Woo-hoo.

1:14:10It was just a plate of candles. Yeah.

1:14:15And I'll be all Moby again. Well, here. Yes, I will change my dessert. And I'll tell you what I'm going to change my dessert too. And this is for my mother. My mother makes, do we call it a dish? It's literally served in a dish. So I'd say we can call it a dish. My mother makes a thing called a lemon balm. And it is notorious with anyone who's come to ever visit my mother's house because the lemon balm can give you a bit of a lemon bum. It is made of basically cream, sugar and shaved lemon. and it's been my mother's go-to dessert to make for people since the 1980s which is the same probably lemon balm she keeps in the freezer she defrosts it gets out a slice for a guest puts it back in the freezer one time my cousin Lorraine found an earwig in in her slice and I was going out with someone who had ulcerative colitis which is a very serious disease luckily he'd been in remission for a while until he had my mother's lemon balm and then it set off a period of ill health and she said that was down to weakness but it was absolutely because that lemon balm had been in that freezer for as long as freezers haven't been invented I'd say an earwig an earwig well I mean like I don't mind that that's natural um and clearly at one point it had been because you you put make it in a bowl and then freeze it and then you turn it up and go ta-da and then you take it off and it's just a helmet of cream and oh no take out the sort of slices and then at some point while it was sitting on the table defrosting in an earwig.

1:15:48Sorry, I haven't heard a thing you've said since helmet of cream. An earwig got in there. It's very much like a sort of Irish Jurassic Park. You know in Jurassic Park where they show the montage of how the little mosquito got stuck in the sap, the tree sap? The amber, yeah. It was like this earwig got stuck in this lemon balm and then in future time scientists are going to be like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. There'll be DNA there to recreate Irish people. Domino.

1:16:19Well. That's my new dessert choice. Okay, well, let's see if Josh Whittacombe chose an earwig and a lemon bomb. Josh Whittacombe's dream dessert is Christmas chocolates and a cup of tea. Another cup of tea for you, Aisling? Yes, again, I just would, at least this time he said he wants it in a cup. which is just a bit of branching out or just tea what was the bit before the tea? Christmas chocolates the sorts of chocolates you might get at Christmas I believe that lint balls were talked about quite a lot, matchmakers what chocolates are the bee house well I worked in retail for many Christmases and I used to work in the Tommy Hilfinger shop as my mother called it and there was a woman who went around passing out Lindor balls and there weren't many people coming into the shop so every time I'd be like haul, haul with the Lindor balls and now I can't even the they are technically delicious but as the buttery little balls go down my neck please Benito don't do me a dirty and clip that bit matched with some of James' absolute terrors this evening I just still I taste retail bad lighting and 17 versions of and I don't want to laugh and I'm like that's what I taste when I taste Lindor balls

1:17:48yep

1:17:52so I cannae do it no more James I cannae and I willnae with Lindor balls so what would you what would you have for your Christmas chocolates then well a Christmas chocolate does he mean roses like tins of roses we could be we didn't speak about roses we spoke about celebrations we spoke about matchmakers and we spoke about matchmakers? yeah is that a chocolate? that's a chocolate they're sort of like thin they're thin sticks of chocolate there's mint ones and there's orange ones you can get as well no? don't like them? just don't like the thought of a thin mint stick it's Christmas live a little do you know what I mean?

1:18:31you can be brushing your teeth now who's watching you? do you know what I mean? well what I used to do Santa's been and gone you've got 364 days to be good to make up for, just be bad for a second. I don't have a mint stick on Christmas. You can eat them stick by stick, sure. And that's not fun. But what I used to do as a fat little boy, I'd grab a whole bushel. A bushel of sticks. And I'd just fucking go to town on it, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can do that. Yeah, you can do that. I still don't like the idea of a mint stick. It just feels like teeth brush in disguise. Teeth brush. Teeth brush.

1:19:04That is the plural. of one toothbrush, many teeth brush. Do you want to, before we go, do you want to quickly rank the roses? Rank the roses. It's time to play. Rank the roses. Praline won, obviously number one. What? Obviously. Yeah, obviously. Is that the green triangle? Did I stutter? Praline, obviously number one. Green triangle, is that not in the, I was going to say the coronation streets. Oh, sorry, I'm getting my chocolates mixed up. Yes, I think so. Green Triangles, Coronation Street. Green Triangles or Coronation Street sweets. Yeah, praline ones. Orange ones, as I've grown older, I'll accept.

1:19:49And then I do like orange chocolate, I just don't like that fake sugary syrup that's in a chocolate, which I think is fair enough, actually. And I don't like fake friends, and I don't like fake oranges.

1:20:06what's that for do you know what I'm boring myself I'm not going to continue Ashley one more thing we do have to talk about from your episode your episode set off a chain of events in the world of Hollywood you revealed a specific bit of big celeb gossip James just tried to drink some water and it went all over the floor what are you looking for brother just looking to see where it went on me i'm fine just got the side of my leg a little bit we need to sell those t-shirts so it's like a wet t-shirt competition sell that merch baby did somebody say water go on james you revealed on the podcast that paul rudd doesn't like sauces yes how's that impacted your life since you revealed that piece of information thank you for a real person in tonight who doesn't like sauces by the way a real person oh that's the person who like hard gravy I don't remember that name.

1:20:59I like my gravy like I like my men. So you don't like sauces either? Lucy Clark. What's your name there? Lucy, Lucy. So would you admit to that? Because here's what happened with me. I worked with Paul Rudd. We had a great old time. The man does not eat sauces. I'm talking all sauces are condiments. I sat with him. I ate with him. I looked into that man's eyes as he went, ah, every time I had ketchup. Then James and him, James goes full Hollywood, does the Ghostbusters movie with him. Don't worry about it. James is so relaxed. He invites him on the podcast. Paul comes on and does me an... He goes on and goes, yeah, I know Ashing said that, but I don't know, I kind of don't mind him sometimes.

1:21:39And he marmited it. Yeah. Like he didn't mind either way. And I was so annoyed and hurt. Put him in balance in for you. And then I tricked him into coming over to my house to see my baby. Clever. The new baby. But he barely got any time with the baby. Come over to the house and see the baby. Come over to the house. What, do you want to see a baby? Get a little cuddle? Sure. And then I forced him into a confession. And you brought the confession with you, haven't you? I did bring the confession with me. We can play the confession to the Royal Albert Hall. Good. And rightly so. Yeah. Should we ever watch?

1:22:13Hi, everyone. I feel like I should probably explain why we're making this video. I'm over at Ashton's house right now. and she's not pleased with me. No. I just feel like you threw me under the bus on Off Menu Podcast. Right. Because I went on there and I told my truth, which is that I know that you don't like condiments. And that created a whole thing. And then they invited you on the show. And when you were on there, I feel like you underplayed it. Like you were like, what? It's a damn do-I? I suppose I like some of them. If I remember correctly, and by the way, there's a good chance I don't remember correctly, because let's face it i was plastered yeah i think i said something about barbecue sauce which i i could handle um because i do like barbecue but you were right and i apologize would you eat that would you eat this it's a relish is it yes no no would you eat this mayonnaise no even the vegan one the fact that there's two different kinds of mayonnaise it makes me hate them twice as much Would you eat this?

1:23:18Look at it. I wouldn't even... I don't want to look at it. What about a mustard pole? Oh. You see? You don't like condiments! I don't like any of those. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to throw you under the bus. So, Ed Gamble and James Acabster, please just write the wrong. This would run against my name. Please, for the sake of the child. I forgot that was in it. I forgot the baby was in it. Amazing.

1:23:48Perfect. Good. Appreciate that a lot. So what's your final verdict of Josh Whittacombe's menu? I think that we should be nicer to Josh. And I think that menu is a cry for help. When you say we should be nicer to Josh, do you think it's a bit late, bearing in mind every time we put a picture of him up, you said he looked like a pony? You said, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you said find the worst photo. I called him a tiny pony. I'll take it back, sure. Yep. I think he we should all love him for the beautiful man that he is he's got a hair like Fuseli or as you would call it Lauren pasta

1:24:28beautiful gentleman great friend good man lover of tea and yeah I think his menu says that he craves safety in many ways actually you know comfort comfort don't you think yeah oh there he is Josh Josh! You were here the whole time. Imagine if we'd sorted out for Josh to be just lowered from the ceiling. With a birthday cake. Stop talking about the birthday cake. I know, I ruin my own surprises. I do it to myself. Actually, if we had sorted that out and then we forgot, and then at the end of our residency on the fourth night, he just drops down dead.

1:25:12Skeleton. Yeah. Been up there for so long. Still got his full head of hair. Paddington comes along. Domino. Domino. Oh, that'd be great if Paddington said domino. Well, thank you so much, Aisling, for coming on and eating Josh's dream meal. Mmm, let me wipe the Franco Manca number five off my lips. This is how deep it... See, you're doing what the editor did to Emily Blunt in the Alien film. you're leaving me hanging I was just committing to the bit yeah yeah sorry I just remembered when you were doing that I just remembered again when you said the buttery balls going down you incels are all the same do you see when this podcast started they barely even got a photograph and now it's all filmed and everything and people can see us but it used to be there'd be some nuance and just just the the spoken word alone, James, but no more.

1:26:14It's all tits and teeth with you guys. I'm on your side. I'm having to wear the merch and everything, bloody hell. Which is nice, actually, because I do call my boobs Gamble and A-Caster, so... LAUGHTER Together they are Tits Kumar. LAUGHTER You said sell the merch. Just try and be a good friend. You said sell the merch. You said sell the merch, Tits Kumar. Push the merch. Happy birthday to you What a surprise Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to Aisling Where's my candles? Happy birthday to you Thanks guys I'd imagine, Aisling, we couldn't clear candles with the health and safety And I'll be honest, whenever I see a call in the caterpillar with candles It looks like a beast from hell Eat the face Eat the face Eat the face Eat the face You people are mean Eat the face Eat the face Oh no, why are you eating my face?

1:27:28Oh my god, no one's ever put a microphone up to his face while he's been eaten

1:27:37I'm so sorry I'm sorry You're leaving the eyes So he can see everything until the last minute You were famous once Colin Thanks guys I was in shock He's crying as a single tear He could see it He was just going Thank you for everything mum As he was being eaten And Aisling Thank you for everything mum You've been absolutely fantastic Aisling B, everybody. Give it up, Aisling B. James and Ed, everybody. Can I just say, these two boys, I always believed in them. I knew they was going to go far. No one else did. Everyone to their face and behind their backs were like, that was a piece of shit. No one likes them in the comedy circuit.

1:28:22You'll never do anything. No one listened. But look at them now. Once more for Aisling B. Aisling B, everyone. Thank you so much, everyone. You're a brilliant audience. Thank you. Thank you. We'll see you in the next two nights if you're coming tomorrow, but thank you very much. Bye-bye.

1:28:45There we go, everybody. There we go. That was Ashton B at the Royal Albert Hall. Pretty good. Talking to us. Immediately afterwards, her partner came into the dressing room, opened the fridge, had a bottle of wine fell out of the fridge and smashed on the floor. It was brilliant. It was good. First night at the Royal Albert Hall, bottle of white wine. Yeah. absolutely KO'd yeah and then they had to sweep it up it was carpet as well so it was like bits of glass in the carpet all that it was brilliant he felt really bad yeah let me tell you I've seen he didn't need to I've seen him a couple of times since then and he's still apologising he's still absolutely mortified yeah so we're bringing it up now yeah to make him feel better yeah but he's a great guy great guy so we need him to feel bad and I'll tell you who else doesn't need to feel bad as Ashton B for being so fantastic yes once again fantastic guest and it was our first show at the Royal Up Hall of Six so there's more of these to come crazy absolutely crazy it really is it's disgraceful but you know because the bonus episode is out of it yeah and there'll be more just around the corner bye bye bye bye

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