Rob Auton

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1:50Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, taking the Cocoa Pops of chat, pouring over the milk of conversation and watching the conversation turn chocolatey brown.

2:01James Acaster: That is our gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together, we own a secret restaurant. A magical restaurant, a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite guests and we ask their favourite ever start and make a dessert, cider, shant, drink, not in that order. And this week our guest is Rob Orton. Rob Orton. Wonderful comedian, wonderful poet, wonderful man, James. I always feel very calm in the presence of Rob Orton. I feel calm and I feel like Rob has a very special place in people's hearts. If you're a fan of Rob Orton, you'll know what I'm talking about. He means a lot to a lot of people.

2:36James Acaster: Fan for life. Yeah, fan for life, absolutely. Very excited to have him on the pod. Ben's told me to warn the people who are watching this on YouTube that for some reason the footage will only start when we ask Rob, still all sparkling water because Ben pressed record but it didn't start recording. I don't know how he knows that because we haven't done it yet. We haven't even done it yet. We've been excited to speak to Rob but if there's a secret ingredient we will kick him out of the dream restaurant. And the secret ingredient this week is hair. It's hair because he did a hair show. Yeah, Rob's done loads of shows that relate to very specific things.

3:12James Acaster: Yeah. And no one likes hair in them. If you get a hair in your soup, for example. You don't want that. you don't want a big bowl of hair you don't want hairy crackling yeah we've dealt with that before on the pod it's dealt with yeah it's dealt with we haven't dealt with at this point but we're happy to go back over it so hair Rob is touring his new show Jupiter so go and watch that yeah go and watch that it'll be fantastic comedy poetry Rob Orton he also has a podcast the Rob Orton Daily Podcast which is part of the Plosive family Yeah, absolutely brilliant. Thank you so much to Rob for coming on.

3:51James Acaster: Now let's speak to him about what meals he wants. This is the Off Menu Menu of Rob Orton.

4:05Welcome Rob to the Dream Restaurant.

4:08James Acaster: Hello. Welcome Rob Orton to the Dream Restaurant. I've been expecting you for some time. Thank you for having me. now just because I don't know when this one's going out in terms of other episodes where James had to do this James lost his voice recently so he's not doing any shouting today just so you know because he's worried that he's going to blow his voice out really? yeah so that's why you didn't get the normal sort of big explosion and genie introduction yeah no yeah yeah it's one of those I could probably still go actually I should have done that yeah you should have done that welcome Rob Orton to the dream restaurant I've been expecting you for some time he's a chilled out genie how did you lose your voice?

4:43James Acaster: just doing too many of these bloody things for one a lot of gigs yeah you know and then it just it just ebbed away and I thought I was out of the woods and then it took an absolute nosedive and I've you know I've got to record some singing soon have you so that's why I'm looking after it what are you on about I've got to record some singing for what for film amazing yeah Cinderella 2 you heard it here first John the Mouse is back baby

5:14so that's what i'm saying i'm saying that it's a chilled out genie today yeah but i feel like that fits your personality i can't imagine you interacting with a really over the top genie yeah it's someone who's a bit chilled out but has got really good powers you know yeah so under under under place the uh magical ability but is can really deliver yeah yeah what's really good powers in your eyes what does really good powers might include just i don't know being on time yeah can turn up does the job and um just is able to um meet all my needs really within the dream restaurant yes well we'll definitely meet all your needs within the dream restaurant i don't

5:57James Acaster: think there's many things that we'd say no to no i guess we stick within with the secret ingredient you get kicked out yes if you pick i can't protect you from that you get kicked out but i'd say broadly the dream restaurant also sticks within the human legal system broadly broadly i'd say i was worried last night i started worrying last night about the secret ingredient did you did you yeah what are you worried it might be well i've put a lot of work into my notes and i thought i don't want to get kicked out yes within two minutes for those of you just listening uh in the in the audio format rob has brought in i mean fairly extensive notes i'd say they're very like densely written notes.

6:36James Acaster: In an A4 notebook. In an A4 notebook. Yeah. He's got on his lap, open on his lap. Yeah. Every single square inch of that page is covered with writing. And he's wearing a suit. And he's wearing a suit. You look very smart, Rob. Yes. And just before we start recording, you said, oh, I probably won't even look at these notes. You're going to look at them. They're on your lap, mate. Yeah. Okay. You're definitely going to look at them. Yeah. and I want you to look at them because you've put in a lot of work there clearly well we'll see we'll start with the notes and if if it's if they're not doing me justice I'll bin them off yeah alright well that's going to be a big moment if you bin them off later yeah do all your notes rhyme?

7:19James Acaster: no all your poems rhyme? nope yeah every single one of your poems rhymes if I have a son his name will be dad after my dad no rhymes just the same word

7:32that's technically a rhyme though is it? Yeah yeah same just same word over and over again yeah Francis Bacon and Kevin Bacon are the rushers from a very talented pig Bacon again yeah it's Bacon again Bacon wouldn't work with anything else though Rob do you like food? Funny you ask that if someone said to me you can press this button right and never eat again and you'll have a balanced diet and your desired physique and they're like oh think of all the money you say why don't you just press this button the only catch is you're the only one who isn't allowed to eat and everyone else can i'd say now i want to keep eating yeah because all my friends and family would be eating and i'd be like nah i can't i'll just sit there so i love food yeah yeah and just before i came here i was in um am i allowed to say costa coffee yeah they do a sausage sandwich that might not sound like much but it's flipping awesome.

8:35Yeah. Very rarely do we get a positive shout out for Costa Coffee sausage sandwich. Yeah. Or Costa Coffee in general. I'd say it's the first time. Yeah. Well, I don't know. Very rare. You know when you're doing gigs and like you get to, you're looking for safe, stable thing. Like go-tos aren't you? Yeah. And I'm not eating sausage sandwiches all the time but it's great bread, three small sausages, ketchup. they know how to heat a bread bun I'll tell you that for another thing oh yeah? microwave probably yeah but you love it yeah even though I've never heard a ding in a Costa review I don't think I have heard a ding in a Costa maybe they have a different sound so people don't know it's a microwave maybe it's like a honk or something

9:22James Acaster: yeah maybe can I just go over the rules of this button that if you press it you've been thinking about the buttons so what are the rules if you press the button you'll never have to eat again but you'll still be have all the nutrition you ever would need and be fit and healthy but everyone else will be eating was there any other rules no you're trying to get tips from the button for your genie I was unclear initially I don't know who would pick the button though who are these people who are picking the button well I guess busy people yeah I talked about that because you asked me if I like food and I hope it demonstrates how much I like food because I was queuing up for that sausage sandwich and I was like it's good every time just eating and I'm so pleased that we have to do it yeah oh god it's the highlight of my day yeah every day you're like oh great I'm looking forward to this muesli Yeah, at least three times a day it's the highlight of my day.

10:27Yeah, and everyone's got that in common, I think. I mean, is it a trial for some people? Ah, Jesus Christ. Really got to do this again?

10:35James Acaster: Some people. Yeah. But I bet all the billionaires, I bet Bezos doesn't like eating. I bet Bezos would push the button. Yeah. Zuckerberg would push the button. Do you think, yeah, Zuckerberg is pushing that button. Yeah, yeah. But, you know, it's such a social thing, isn't it? What's he going to be doing when everyone else is eating? Well, maybe he's going to be talking, and maybe he's going to be thinking of something else. Making money. Steve Jobs would have pushed the button. Yeah. Because, you know, he had the same outfit, didn't he? He had, you know, the same outfit in multiples, so he didn't have to think about what he was wearing in the morning.

11:05Yeah. So he's definitely getting up, pushing the button, putting on his black T-shirt or whatever. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Levi's. Levi's. White shoes. I mean, it was a good outfit, but, you know, for me, a joy is picking a little outfit as well in the morning. What am I going to wear? You put the suit on today. I bet you felt good when you put the suit on. Yeah, do you know what? it was the first time in a long time where I thought about what was going to work normally I don't really think about clothes too much you press the button normally you press the clothes button pretty much

11:32James Acaster: yeah yeah would you press the clothes button if you pressed it and you didn't have to think about what you wear anymore every day you get up and there's just a brand new outfit it's the same this is clean waiting for you ironed I'm well I think I'm more likely to press that yeah yeah but but I do like variety. And like, you know, going out for a nice meal, is that a similar feeling as to like putting on some clothes you've never worn before? Maybe. Just being like, I wonder how this is going to make me feel. Yeah. Can you remember like a favourite T-shirt you ever had that you used to really look forward to wearing?

12:12James Acaster: You used to love it? Lovely question, mate. Pardon? I was just saying it's a lovely question. I think there's a spin-off podcast here. Could be. Oh, yeah. I've got a radio head t-shirt from 2003 I think yeah I really like and oh no my favourite one is Primal Scream Exterminator yeah artwork that I absolutely love it's just black and it's faded and I got it from Leeds 2000 oh wow yeah and you still got it yeah oh respect I went to Red in 2000 did you yeah good line up good line up I was at Leeds 2000 I think for a day yeah what the rage rage day yeah I was there for the rage day yeah with Daphne and Celeste I was at the I was at the one where we bottled yeah it's being reappraised now we're the bad guys apparently who would have thought the people throwing piss were the bad guys sorry I went to V99 before that that was my first festival yeah and they had a pot noodle van there with a huge pot noodle on the top of it yeah and such a good van to have at the festival wow it was very affordable yeah and quick did you go into the pot noodle itself?

13:27James Acaster: no you couldn't walk into the pot noodle? no it was just like a big plastic because that's what it used to be really? before that yeah going further back it was just a giant pot noodle and you would walk into the pot noodle and buy a pot noodle really? yeah wow what do you think about that? I think that was pretty good where would you see that? Festivals well we've never seen it we've never seen it yeah but Chris McCollsland's seen it that's wild isn't it that today for listeners the episode we recorded before Rob's was the Christmas special with Christmas Corsland Christmas Corsland yeah and he talked about being at a festival when he was 19 and buying a pot noodle from inside a big pot noodle and then you've come here and you've said you bought a pot noodle at V99 yeah that's mad if the listeners don't believe it because this is on the same day my trousers are still stained like they were with Chris you can see that on the camera there yeah and James isn't the sort of idiot who would spill something on his trousers twice in his life and I'm not wearing the same outfit every day like Steve Jobs I'm not even bothering to wash it still a sparkling water still yeah big fan of water safer I think sparkling water there's too much drama in it for me I like the stillness I wrote a show about water you did called The Water Show what is water, water is the smell of a pint of orange cordial before you've added the cordial water the opposite of pastry soup for people who don't like ingredients I've got in my notes I've got some stuff written down before that though Do you think about calling it Water Brilliant Show?

15:17Well, there's a bit in the show that is water. What is it good for? Absolutely loads of stuff. So that's kind of similar, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

15:25James Acaster: I remember that bit goes on for a long time as well. Yeah, ages. It's really funny. Ages. You get the audience to sing along. Yeah, big time. And you would do stuff like, good God. Yeah. Yeah. You said you got stuff written before this. So clearly you want to say that first. so I absolutely love that it was I'm going to get rid of that I'm not even going to look at my notes yeah now you're going hang on I've got stuff before this go back you've moved me on to water but I've actually got the stuff I wanted to say the um the name of my so it's the dream restaurant but subtitle yeah um the meal of my life right yes so I'd just like to talk briefly about when you walk in what there is yes yeah go on so there's a lounge area right yeah and it's got my mom and dad's fireplace in it from where i grew up yeah i'm like oh yes that's great and then where did you grow up for the listener um a small village just outside of york yeah and then there's loads of settees everywhere and i'm like oh they look a bit weird and mismatched what are they and they're all the sofas from the houses and flats i've ever lived in okay right so they're all there loads of different ones from my parents i was coming room at sixth form college university sofa first flight in London I've lived in nine different places in London right and they're all there I'm like oh look at all these together and you liked those sofas then I like old sofas but sure I'm thinking common room in sixth form college yeah that sofa's gonna be gross as hell isn't it yeah but it's it's more about the idea okay so it's the idea of a sofa rather than it doesn't have all the like gum coming in will you feel nostalgic when you go into the sofa room and you see all the sofas from your life I think so yeah I've got some memories from sitting on the sofas at university, sitting around in those flats and just vegetating there.

17:19Do you have a favourite sofa? Because obviously when you go for your meal, you're not going to be able to sit on all the sofas for a long time. No, no, this is just the entrance. Oh, so you're not even going to sit on them? No. No, you're just going to have a look? Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Well, waited to be seated, you know. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, it's a bit dark in here, so I switch the lights on. Hanging from the ceiling is every light from every house I've ever lived in. Looks a bit funky, but then you've got bathroom lights next to kitchen lights, all that. It's well lit in the foyer you walk through, and there's tables from my life everywhere.

17:52All the lamps from my life. Turtle's lamp, Thundercat's lamp. Oh, yes. Cloud's lamp, you know, all that. And then we're in. All the placemats are there, all the cutleries from different parts of my life, different plates, all that stuff, you know. All the chairs. All the chairs. Yeah. So it's quite a busy restaurant, you would say. It's not one of these sort of like fancy, sparse looking restaurants. There's stuff everywhere. Yeah. Yeah, there's stuff everywhere. But it's all very considered and the food's good. Yeah. We'll get on to that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Easter egg mugs is what I wanted to talk about.

18:34James Acaster: Yeah. Do you remember? Yeah, yeah. Why don't they Great Is that still a thing? I think it's still a thing I don't know I've not seen an Easter egg that comes with a mug for ages but yeah it used to be a regular thing yeah the Smarties one It was a way of them making the Easter egg smaller right so in the box they would sit them in the mug and the mug would be in there Is that right? You think even back in the day? I think so yeah and I think they might start to make the mugs bigger so they can make the Easter eggs even smaller although I don't know what the economics of that is to sell a bigger mug and a smaller Easter egg.

19:08Probably actually cheaper to give him more chocolate.

19:11James Acaster: I think you have to make the mug smaller to make the Easter egg smaller. Yeah. It's down to an egg cup, which is actually more appropriate. Yeah. Yeah. Make more sense, actually. Yeah. Weird that they didn't do egg cups straight away. Yeah. They did a mug. That must have been what went wrong. It's that someone was like, oh, we should do egg cups. Yeah. But couldn't think of the word for it. And we're like, you know, like an egg mug. Egg mug. Yeah, yeah. You know, I never like, put the egg in a mug. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Show them the smarties, and I go, fuck. Yeah. Well, this won't make any sense, but hopefully people won't like it anyway.

19:44James Acaster: Everyone in York's going crazy for it. Yeah. In York, do you eat a lot of Yorkies? Yeah, well, my nan had a Roundtree's card. It used to be called Joseph Roundtree's, the factory that made after eights, fruit pastels, fruit gums, and we always used to get the misshapes. So I've got memories of like big bags of toffees and fudge and strangely shaped fruit gums. Like one of my happiest memories probably is watching World Cup Italia 90 and on the sofa with these bags of sweets that we used to get. And York, certain part of York, always used to smell of like minty chocolate from the after eights. That's a good smell for a city to have.

20:35Yeah. I never, I mean, I used to appreciate it a bit, but not as much as I should have done. Yeah. When you leave that area and then you come to London or you go to Edinburgh and it stinks of hops or whatever, you're like, I wish I was back in York for the minty chocolate smell. What does Kettering smell of? Weterbix. Yeah. It's the Weterbix factory.

20:54James Acaster: What's over? Well, I grew up in Wimbledon and it smells of tennis balls. The whole place. I'll settle for that. still water then yes but a specific type of still water so sometimes you have water and it's like water times 10 you know mainly when you're thirsty yeah and me and my university friends every year go to black lock in soho yeah and we do that thing where it's just all in and you have all the meat just piles of chops and then loads of beers obviously and then you legend cut that loads of beers obviously a bit no no keep that in loads of beers obviously don't even make a note Benito this is who he is he's a lad he's a lad at heart and but without fail wake up at two o 'clock or three o 'clock in the morning ooh yeah

21:57for another beer obviously wake up at two or three obviously but the thirst of that is ridiculous you know you're like oh my god what am I going to do and you think oh and you suddenly remember you're like oh water that is that for me is like water times 10 when you have that so I would like every glass of water to possess that power yeah in that restaurant So people are going in, they don't even think they're thirsty. But then, whoa, oh my God, this feels great. So that's interesting. So do you want to, because I would say that that water is delicious because you feel really bad. Yeah. And you feel really dehydrated and you feel a bit hungover.

22:41Yeah. So do you want to feel quite bad before every glass of water in the dream restaurant? No, this is where it kind of falls apart. Because to get that feeling from the water, so you need to feel horrific. Yeah. But I don't want to feel horrific in a restaurant. Yeah. But I want to experience, maybe it's like, it's a 15 second blast of feeling horrific and then you have the water. And then you have the water.

23:08James Acaster: But how about like, you know, we take like, say that horrific feeling you have before you have the water times 10. Yeah. And then how good you feel when you have the water times 10. Yeah. How about we move all that up so that we move the horrific feeling to you feeling just normal good. Yeah. And then the water times 10 feeling moves up the same degree. Yeah. So you have that and you still feel that same increase, that same jump. Yeah. But you don't have to feel horrific. That sounds good. That's why. Dealt with. The genie is doing his thing. I should have done it then. What? I've got to do pop-a-lums or bread, Rob.

23:44But I keep forgetting. Do you know what? I can feel his beady little eyes in my head like, he's not done it, he's not done it. But I just enjoy the chat. That's what I'm here for. It was a lovely chat and I liked all that water chat and James did that and there was a moment there where I felt I should have done it but because of the BLEs, the Beedle Little Eyes, I... I weren't looking at you. I was looking at Rob

24:06James Acaster: and then you looked... I felt you look at me and that's what made me laugh. Well, because I knew I could be... When I said Beedle Little Eyes are figurative, you don't have to be looking at me for them to be boring into me. Fair enough. It's the whole atmosphere coming off here stinks. The atmosphere stinks. This is very defensive because, you know, I think... I don't normally have to do it because it's 300-something episodes. I did it... I've done it maybe the last couple we've recorded. Yeah. I think everyone can appreciate, you know, actually how hard my job is on this podcast now. Yeah. But Ed, dropping the ball just constantly.

24:38Well, because I'm normally there facilitating the chat. I'm translating you for the guest. I'm doing all of that. Yeah. Don't need it today. Don't need it today. If anything. No, no, no. I'm not. You're the one who's at sea. Jesus Christ. Me and Rob, either side of you. Same page. Same page, these guys. Yeah, we know what each other's saying. Yeah, yeah. Good luck to you, mate. I just want to fill these silences so bad. It's like you two are in love. What silences?

25:03It's just the very slow, like slow considered chat between the two of you and it's lovely, but God, I want to get in there. What, really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought we were all doing all right. I think we are doing wonderfully. I think it's great. Okay. But I've been worried about having to say poppadoms or bread.

25:19James Acaster: Yeah. get that done then do you know what I saw on a t-shirt on Venice Beach there's a mannequin pop it up so bread Rob Orton pop it up so bread made him jump that was good he did jump yeah yeah he said who ate all the pussy

25:39so hang on does the t-shirt suggest that the guy wearing the t-shirt has eaten it yeah or is he genuinely like who has eaten all the pussy yeah

25:48James Acaster: it was unclear but it really made me laugh and it made my partner laugh and then she went to this really like fancy like bear making workshop not Builder Bear like a fancy one and you had to decide in advance what you were going to sow on the paw and she said to me watch the and I said you're going to have who ate all the puss and she was like I'm not putting that on it everyone else this is a very like you can't do that in a workshop well regarded like Victorian era bears I'm not going to who ate all the puss everyone else is like writing all fancy stuff on there. Yeah, like Augustus or something.

26:21James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, writing like philosophical quotes on there. Yeah. It wasn't the name of the bear, it was you could write whatever you wanted. Whatever you liked. Yeah. Do you want to know who ate all the pussy on there? That's so funny. Yeah, that's what I kept on saying. I'm not going to suggest anything else. Stop asking me. Yeah. Any ideas on who ate all the pussy, Rob? No. If we told you in advance, you could have written it in your notes. You would have had something in there. Poppadoms or bread, Rob Orton? Bread. Yes. And the bread I would like is bread from the hotel that my mum used to work in.

26:57Because we lived in this village. My parents lived there. And there was a hotel. And my mum got a job there as a waitress. And she started making the bread for the whole hotel. That's cool. So she was always making bread buns before her shifts. and it was one of those things that I never really thought about when I was growing up. I was just like, yeah, the house stinks of bread. It stinks. Like, I should have appreciated it. But it smelled lovely. So you've got bread smell in your house, you've got mint chocolate outside your house, and you're not appreciating it. No, no, take me back. You're living in a wonderland, Rob.

27:39Yeah. But no, it was, you know, I should have appreciated it more. And the house wasn't even up for sale, and it was just a smell of bread everywhere but I often think about that I'm like did they say to her we need someone to make some bread yeah or she's like oh I can make some bread buns if you want yeah alright well bring them in we'll see what they're like and then she'd take them in oh these are nice actually and then sometimes when she said to the customers do you want any take the bread buns out they're like oh these are nice she's like well I made them you know what I mean so that's the bread that I would like yeah was it white bread brown bread it was white yeah and when I first got the email about doing this podcast yeah I thought I'm going to get my mum to come down and at this moment she'd walk in with some of those bread buns but the episode came around quicker than I thought

28:42so sorry lads if just so you know if that happened it'd be the greatest moment of my life if we didn't know your mum was here and you said and here's my mum now and she came in with bread buns and she gave us and went I made them it would have been a clip wouldn't it it would have been a clip yeah although actually the camera's not really set up for someone to walk into the shot it would have been a really weird clip of your mum's ass wouldn't it better

29:07James Acaster: see yeah like the woman in Tom and Jerry wouldn't it better see your mum's face yeah yeah yeah yeah so that's the bread that I like. Delicious. And with butter, would you have butter with that or are they salt? Yeah, butter. I mean, I've really been getting into salt in butter and also on cookies. You know? Yeah. Salted cookies are great, aren't they? Fantastic. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, what? But yeah, I'm into it. Your dream starter, Rob. Just before I go into that, can I just say that the mood that I'm going into this restaurant in is at school I don't know if you guys had this but at our school different years had different days for them to have first dinners.

29:55Okay. It's like when you're on first dinners you run up and you're like oh we're on first dinners is everything. Yes. And then on the last one yeah yeah. Ah cut that.

30:07James Acaster: What? What do you mean? You want the mood to be when it's your turn to first dinners? First dinner mood. Yes. Yeah, so you're running up and you're like, oh, come on, we're on first dinner, there's everything in. I think that's great. Don't cut that. Okay. I think it's a great mood to go into the restaurant. Starters, right. Yeah. Me and my friends used to do this thing at Christmas when everyone would bring a dish and we'd end up with this massive meal. Yeah. So it's a Christmas dinner, but everyone's put so much effort into their own thing. And I'd like to do that, but everyone who I've known in my life brings something.

30:44So it's massive. Huge. Yeah, it's absolutely huge. So my mum's there. She's brought out the bread. So for my starter, my dad comes into the restaurant. Now, whenever he was little and whenever he was carving the meat, he'd always cut off a tiny bit, like the nicest bit, and go, here you go, try that. So me and my sister. so I think for this it'd be a very small starter but that would just be like a small selection of those meats the bit of anything your dad's carved the first little bit his first dinners in his first slice basically yeah and that would be lamb I think because that's my favourite type of like meat edge I guess I just love that it's like the hard bits of lamb are great yeah I mean pork's a close contender isn't it well crackling I guess is technically meat edge and that's pretty good yeah it takes a bit of beating doesn't it chicken skin

31:48James Acaster: for a starter I think you could get away with you know a platter line them all up little bits your dad's cut off and given to you yeah let's go with that that's lovely as well you're sat there and your dad's got all of these got like a chicken, a turkey he's got everything and it just goes along the line. Yeah. And then a bit of beef. Hands it to you or pops it in your mouth for you? Just hands it, I think. Yeah. That's weird. Is that what used to happen? You just hand it to you? Yeah. So try that? Yeah. And what would you say when you ate it? Would you go, Dad, that's delicious? Well, I think it's another thing that I always took for granted, really.

32:24James Acaster: Yeah. Like, when you're a kid. Entitled little kid, weren't you? I just didn't, I probably didn't realise how good I had it, really. Yeah. you know when you start to get a bit distance from being a kid you're like wow so I feel pretty lucky yeah when you're sort of sat there going doesn't smell of bread in here it doesn't smell of mint shock chip when I go outside yeah no one's giving me little little bits of scraps of meat like I'm a little bird but the best bit the best bit best bit every time lamb edge yeah then you start to think well yeah they put a shift in here yeah being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be yeah And also, you could do all those things for yourself, but it's not the same, is it?

33:06No. If you make the house smell like bread, and then, you know, you're carving meat, and then giving yourself the edge.

33:13James Acaster: But very hard to make the outside world smell like after-eights. That's hard. I'll let you off that one. Yeah, that's difficult. You could pop an after-eight up each nostril, I suppose, to remind you of home. Yes, you could walk around. You could melt some after-eights, and just smear it on the inside of your nostrils, and then walk around all day feeling like you were back in York. Yeah. That'd be lovely, that. I think you'd be a local character, maybe. Yeah, maybe. Have you seen that guy with after eight up his nose? Yeah, the guy who's got the after eights. Yeah, keeps offering me the edge of a lamb.

33:46James Acaster: Yeah. He keeps getting one of those... Well, it's mint, like, perfect. It's mint as well, yeah. Has anyone ever done that? Like, lamb, but with after eights instead of mint, surely. I mean, that would be like a Heston Blumenthal type thing. Yeah, that would be absolutely crazy. You'd be the first guy to do it. Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James. Ah, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company. It makes furnishing your whole home easy.

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34:38James Acaster: Sure, yeah. I like it when it does come up. It is very important. It changes the whole meal, the setting, the vibe. And Cozy's modular, customisable furniture for the whole home does just that. And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room. And I think this is where cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful, cozy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James. You're a mucky pup.

35:10I'm going to spill stuff everywhere. Is that going to ruin the cozy furniture? No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs. You telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. don't worry, you can pop it in the wash. Oh, so you're saying Cozy Bains every day at home feel like my best day? Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with Cozy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles in every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well.

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36:12Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. A missed call doesn't feel like anything. No red flag, no notifications screaming at you. it just disappears into your call log. And nine times out of 10, that was someone ready to hand you money. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q-U-O, the business phone system built so you never miss a call. Here's what I like about it. All your calls, texts, and voicemails live in one place. So anyone on your team can pick up a conversation, see the full history, and respond fast. No more, wait, who talked to this customer last?

36:48And if you're worried about after-hours leads slipping through, Quo's optional built-in AI agent can answer questions and even book appointments while your team's offline. It's the number one rated business phone system on G2, and over 90 ,000 businesses already trust it to stay reachable. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus get 20 % off your first six months when you go to quo.com slash tech. That's Q-U-O dot com slash tech. When demand slowed for HydroJug, Amazon Ads rising star Hayden Wadsworth pivoted. When our bank account hit near zero, my brother Jake and I had one last shot to save HydroJug.

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37:55James Acaster: your dream main course Rob a lovely nostalgic starter there your mum's been in your dad's been in I wonder who we've got round the corner now well everyone basically arrives everyone you've ever met too many to mention yeah everyone you've ever met a couple of a couple of shout outs yeah so I'm like well look at all this well I'm like wow guys look at all this stuff you brought there's so much food in right not going to be able to get through this in time yeah and then but there's a particular couple who walk in i'm like i recognize you two where do i know you from and it's this couple called pete and vanessa yeah right who were from burnley and we met them in crete in 1996 and um it was one of those where you're on holiday and then you kind of click with another family.

38:47Yeah. And we were in Crete and we decided to go out for a Chinese meal. Fantastic. In Greece in a Chinese restaurant. And why wouldn't you? And I'd never been to a Chinese before. And they do say your first experience of Chinese food should be in Greece. They, in their hands, they have the sweet and sour chicken that I tasted that night for the first time. Yeah. and it absolutely blew my socks off yeah I was like I didn't know main causes could be sweets you know yeah like meat could be like this yeah and they're like do you remember the first time you ever tasted sweet and sour chicken I'm like yeah they said well we've got that for you here this is that I'm like oh my god yeah yes please and then my granny walks in with her roast potatoes I'm like is this all hang on is this all starter by the way this is main course now oh this is main course

39:44James Acaster: yeah start was just the little bits of meat yeah yeah this is the main course where everyone's showing up everyone Pete and Vanessa the granny yeah yeah so I'm like the granny my granny my granny used to make the amazing roast potatoes right yeah and she's there she's like I'll bite you some roast potatoes I'm like do you think they'll go with the sweet and sour chicken just a bit

40:14James Acaster: I honestly want to see at the end of this how much of this is written down verbatim yeah I would put money on just a bit just a bit being written there in the notepad yeah just a bit there it is he's underlined it for us he's got it written down I love it yeah great sweet and sour chicken I've never been on board with I don't know why I know why because it's not an Ed Gamble thing at all that is not an Ed Gamble thing no you don't like we've spoke on the podcast before you don't like sweet sauces sweet chilli sauce you absolutely hate it I would be shocked if sweet and sour chicken was something that you enjoyed it's in the same ballpark pineapple in it yeah yeah see it's just not it's not for me I think maybe a lot of it is tied to being type 1 diabetic and not wanting to have too much sugar in things that should be savoury fair perhaps but also just don't necessarily enjoy the flavour of it.

41:10And the chicken is the chicken deep-fried and then the sauce goes on, if you can remember how they do it. Yeah, kind of lightly fried. It's not sweet and sour chicken balls. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. It's lightly fried, yeah. And then I just got... I was thinking, that was such a vivid memory of food just absolutely blowing me away. Yeah, if you've not had that before and then you have sweet and sour chicken, and that is like just like having your head punched off

41:39James Acaster: yeah so good and I was young you know yeah yeah first time you have Chinese food like a Chinese takeaway first time you have an Indian takeaway first time I had KFC all those things completely change your life the three great nations of cuisine of course Chinese Indian KFC yeah Kentucky China India and Kentucky

42:05can I say that there's a stage in this restaurant yeah right so there's a stage you're doing a show is it every stage you've ever performed not me no it's not is it every comedian you've ever seen no it's my heroes though yeah performing but doing their food stuff so John Lennon is there doing Strawberry Fields Forever yeah Mitch Edberg is doing his donut routine receipt for the donut I like yeah all that stuff my favourite one is I wrote it down I like rice rice is great when you're hungry and you want to eat 2000 or something yeah so good just you know all those ones radio header there doing their sardine song flame lip she don't lose jelly all that stuff yeah and I'm like oh I'm loving this yeah you would be loving that that's a good that's a good line up that's a great build do you want me to hop up and do my many to eat apricots routine yeah I actually think about that line a lot

42:59James Acaster: yeah thanks do you want me to do my Hytale Breakfast stuff yeah yes please Pan of Chocolat yeah yeah that'd be funny do you want to see my Halloumi stuff it was less well considered yeah I'll do it anyway I've not done it for a while but I'll probably punch it up a bit but it was about what's the liquid in the packet it might be pre-cum

43:19can we see that bit absolutely it's crannies there Peter Vanessa will be on board surely yeah yeah I'll love it do you see do you see Peter Vanessa at all Never. No, it was just that holiday. I mean, this is a big podcast. Their daughter might listen to this. I mean, never, never even, you know, saw them probably once in 1997. Yeah. Came to our house and I think it was a Vauxhall Tigre. Is that a car? Yeah, I think so. Something like that.

43:51James Acaster: Okay, so everyone's performing on the stage. Yeah. And there's plants as well, but a specific type of plant. And that plant is... Do you mean in the audience? No, I mean the greenery is avocado plants, but specifically, this is the dream restaurant, so you can go into the future, whatever, can't you? So I've seen loads of videos online on Instagram about how to grow an avocado plant from an avocado stone, and it always involves cocktail sticks, putting it above water and all that crap. and I we've got a compost heap at the back bottom of our garden and I put must have thrown an avocado stone in there and I went down and there was an avocado plant growing in the compost wow and it was absolutely awesome and I was like oh my god yeah I think that's an avocado plant and I put my hand down into the compost and I felt the stone and I was like oh come on and I pulled it up and then I planted it just in a plant pot we got it in the kitchen and now it's really growing and it takes years for those to uh fruit avocados yeah so i would just like there to be loads of avocado plants everywhere from that from that plant yeah yeah and then with the avocado because i love avocados yeah is it like nature's butter almost i feel like you should be able to you can spread it on toast when it's ripe enough, yeah, you can spread it.

45:19Yeah, I love avocados with balsamic and olive oil. Fill that hole up. So in this restaurant, you're just going to be able to pluck an avocado off your avocado plant and you're going to be like, I grew this in my compost heap. And then you can just spread it, put some balsamic on top. Have that John Lennon. Yeah. Avocados would blow John Lennon's mind. Were they out after the Beatles? I think they came out after the Beatles.

45:47James Acaster: Flipping heck. And the Beatles led to avocados. That's how influential the Beatles are. Yeah. So Paul McCartney has tasted an avocado and John Lennon hasn't. Oh, gosh. I reckon so. I mean... I don't know. You don't know? Lennon died when he was 40, I think. I just think when he died, avocados were not a staple, such as they are now. And I really don't think he was knocking around with any avocado people. do you know what I mean yeah I know what you mean by avocado yeah it could be yeah I mean I guess he travelled quite a lot yeah but maybe he did have an avocado and there's no way of knowing also like if I picture Yoko in that era with an avocado doesn't seem weird no that makes sense to me yeah but she probably just held it yeah didn't tell them yeah you meant to eat this

46:46James Acaster: so you got the sweet and sour chicken you got the roast potatoes yeah is that it for the main they're the ones i'd like to mention i think so this is your nan's roast potatoes and they're like granny yeah is that your side dish is you got granny's roast potatoes was that part of the main no side dish it's a bit of a smorgasbord really yes with the side dish so there's loads of sides but there's one that i'd like to mention is that my auntie introduced me to uh devils on horseback you know dates stuffed with goat's cheese wrapped in palmer ham and she's walking around with them and I just absolutely loved them Jamie Oliver's there walking around with his plank you know have you met Jamie Oliver?

47:32no so we're sort of going outside because we've got the stage where people are performing and you haven't met them but everyone else in the restaurant so far has been everyone you've met in your life yeah but I've had a good experience from Jamie Oliver through Ministry of Food.

47:46James Acaster: Which you bought with you. Which you bought with you. Which is in your backpack. It's in my backpack. You decided to leave it in your backpack. Well, I forgot it, but I wanted to show you the dirtiest page in the cookbook. I think that's always a thing, isn't it? Yeah. Dirtiest page in the cookbook. And that is... That's as in you've spilled things on it because you use it so much rather than it's just a really rude recipe. Yeah. Stare it with your dick.

48:11also there's a there's a there's pictures of people in that cookbook yeah and I'm sure I saw one of them in the street and I was like trying to place him for ages like where do I know you from yeah and then I was looking it was the guy from the he's holding a hot pot who are who are the people in cookbooks a lot of the time they're just are they just like models who just look like regular people I think in Ministry of Food it is regular people. Yeah. It seemed like that. But yeah, it was the lasagna page. That's the dirty one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I went for a stage of cooking that all the time. So is Jamie walking around with that particular lasagna then?

48:57No, it's the my... I love the cricket... Oh, Bob didn't like that.

49:08James Acaster: Benito cough can we clip that up yeah the look that you got there Benito coughed and Rob looked at you like he wanted to kill you yeah Christian Bale on the set of that Terminator film it was just like it was the it was the you know the planks you used to have in Jamie's Italian yeah I don't think I ever went to a Jamie's Italian yeah people complained about it I only went there once with Milton Jones yeah to a Jamie's Italian really But yeah, people hated the planks. Oh, no, I loved them. But they used to have those frozen olives. Do you ever used to have them? No. Not frozen olives. Olives on ice.

49:48Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's the green, it's a specific type of olive that is so buttery. Anyway, he has them and there's all sorts of meats on them. So he's walking around with those. and got a specific memory of being in Jamie's Italian with my mum. Whenever she'd come down to visit me in London, we'd go to Jamie's Italian in Covent Garden. And one time I went to the toilet and I came back and she was like, oh, you okay? I said, yeah, yeah. She went, oh, you've got some white powder on your nose. And I was like, what do you mean? She's like, well, what have you been doing in the toilet?

50:32nothing and then I don't know what it was it must have just been some dry skin or something she thought I'd been snorting lines in Jamie's Italian and I hadn't that's got to be the sad that would be the saddest spiral into drug addiction is you end up snorting lines in Jamie's Italian when you're having lunch with your mum that would be absolutely awful mind you planks that'd be pretty good for that yeah

50:58James Acaster: yeah rack up a lying on a plank in Jamie's Italian. So your auntie's brought out the devil's on horseback. Yeah. What's your auntie like as a person? Very nice, yeah. I've got two. Yeah. Shut up. How many aunties have you got? I'm going to have to think about this. I've got two. Oh, yeah. Just counting up with his fingers. Pretty sure it's four. Wow. Pretty sure we're looking at four. Where are they coming from? Politically. No. my dad's got a sister what's her name? Caroline Auntie Caroline yeah my mum's got my mum's got a sister yeah my dad's got a brother who's got a wife and my mum's got a brother who's got a wife that's four aunties yeah so you get more presents than me no we don't really no there aren't many presents flying around anymore because I'm I'm nearly 40 I'm not getting a present off my auntie are you?

51:58yep

52:02wow talk me through it what are you getting what sort he's looking back at his book he doesn't want to look at me Rob don't look at the book what's your auntie buying you for Christmas just giving you some money cashish yeah how much are you getting from your auntie is it in a card or is it a bank transfer or a cheque bank transfer 10 grand last month

52:26nothing says Christmas like a 10 grand backs from your auntie from the devil on horseback are you writing that in now because you said it no you drew something what did you do I just went over the K in drink because you're ready to move on to drink I wanted to say devil on horseback I've never heard that recipe for devil on horseback before in my mind devil on horseback is a prune wrapped in bacon yep I've not heard date with blue cheese and palmer ham that sounds absolutely delicious and I'm going to try that oh it is yeah and you can put jalapeno in there as well oh yes I will they go down really well you can take them to a Christmas party in a Tupperware yeah and they go down really well you're going to bring them to the plosive Christmas party you know what yes I will yeah I think if I took them to a party in a Tupperware I'd have those on the tube I'd turn up with an empty Tupperware stinking a blue cheese yeah absolutely as I always do I normally do it with goat's cheese but I'll do some with Stilton as well oh yeah sorry you did say goat's cheese yeah but yeah why not mix it up okay what time are you arriving because I want to make sure they're not all gone last time I came to that I think you guys rocked up after being out on a lash at like sounds like us doesn't it yeah

53:49James Acaster: yeah probably when demand slowed for HydroJug Amazon Ads rising star Hayden Wadsworth When our bank account hit near zero, my brother Jake and I had one last shot to save HydroJug. So we engineered the Traveler, a leak-proof, cup holder-friendly Tumblr. Amazon Ads enables a business to be able to expand their product shelf because of the visibility and the reach you can get. Each week, our new-to-brand customers make up about 95 % of all of our sales. Watch HydroJug's story at advertising.amazon.com slash rising-stars. Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice message system. A missed call doesn't feel like anything.

54:28No red flag, no notifications screaming at you. It just disappears into your call log. And nine times out of 10, that was someone ready to hand you money. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q-U-O, the business phone system built so you never miss a call. Here's what I like about it. All your calls, texts, and voicemails live in one place. So anyone on your team can pick up a conversation, see the full history, and respond fast. No more, wait, who talked to this customer last? And if you're worried about after-hours leads slipping through, Quo's optional built-in AI agent can answer questions and even book appointments while your team's offline.

55:07It's the number one rated business phone system on G2, and over 90 ,000 businesses already trust it to stay reachable. Money is on the line. Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free. Plus, get 20 % off your first six months when you go to Quo.com slash tech. That's Q-U-O dot com slash tech.

55:33Dream drink. Well, when I go to Glastonbury, I always take Scrumpy Jack as four cans just to be like, that's what I'm going to have when I put my tent down. Yeah. You know, I never drink in the queue. Put your tent down. Put my tent up. Yeah. Got it the wrong way around. I guess you do have to put it down at some point you've got to put it down and then put it up

55:56James Acaster: I was quite like I really admired that when you said take it put it down I thought oh wow he's taken four cans of him and he's saving them until he has to take his tent down knowing that that's like you know you're going to be the most knackered and all of that is a little treat for while you're taking your tent down that's very restrained of him and disciplined and what a good idea but actually it's nice you're putting your tent up yeah while drinking four cans of cider yeah so you see people just getting on it straight away don't you like in the queue on the bus whatever and um I always like to get the tent up get everything sorted and then have a kind of scrumpy jack and that that again is a specific feeling and I would like to experience that feeling yeah of the hell of getting into Glastonbury yeah experience that for a tiny bit and then ah the sweet i don't know i just want it i want that i want that experience in a can of like the relief of getting in and getting through and yeah you sit down you find i've had i've not been to glastonbury but you've had that at festivals where you just sit down your first drink but it's different because i guess glastonbury is way more difficult to get into and you know get everything set up and finding a spot and all of that so it's just the more release but that that's that feeling of like the first first sip of whatever you're drinking at a festival and you're like completely relaxed yeah it's lovely the same thing at heavy metal festivals when the first riff hits when the first big riff kicks in and i've normally got a beer by that point i'm like this is this is life this is all that matters now can you remember any of the bands who played the first big riff no because they're often the smaller bands yeah so although actually bloodstock a couple of years ago we got there early on the thursday or friday whatever it was to see green lung at noon so getting onto the in the front of the main stage with a beer then green lung come on kick into that first riff oh boy i bottle that feeling yeah in terms of uh what do you want to hear when you're drinking this so if you're drinking the cider and you can hear a band like sound checking or playing their first song what do you want to hear drifting over in the distance?

58:17Because we can probably get them on at your restaurant if you've got a stage.

58:19James Acaster: Yeah, absolutely. Well, actually, I put a thing on Instagram recently asking for suggestions of heavy metal music to run to. Yeah. And Ed came back with a few and someone sent me this band called Master Boot Record. Never heard. Oh, yes. Yeah, I love them. Never heard. Really good, aren't they? Really good, yeah, yeah. I can't believe that this is getting a shout out. I don't know anyone else who knows this band. This is like the only other person I've ever... I only know this... I mean, I don't even know if it's a band. I think it's one person because I bought 800 albums from one year and that was one of the albums that I found on Bandcamp with like five people who listened to it or something and suddenly...

59:02James Acaster: I actually can't believe I'm hearing this. Well, it's great. Give them a Google. It's really good music to run to, that. Great. Do you want to put your tent up in the restaurant? at this point before you have the drink first time I met you you were in a tent where was that? on the Royal Mile oh yeah what? I was walking down the Royal Mile in Edinburgh it was obviously rammed I don't even know why I was walking down it and there was a tent a yellow tent dome tent he comes out of it walks up to me he knows my name so I must have done a solo show or something by that point and gives me a CD I think it was a CD yeah of poems yeah in a tent we did a gig together and it was a poetry competition oh yes and you were doing comedy yes I was just doing gigs where Richard Tyrone Jones put on a poetry competition it's called Utter I went on and did and I was told it was comedians could enter as well just doing stand up I was the only stand up there yeah yeah so you're like okay died in your arse I won what?

1:00:08yeah now as a poet how did that make you feel Rob? that a comedian came and won it without doing a poem. Yeah. I didn't feel encouraged. Yeah. Fair enough. But you were doing stuff about tally charts and in prison. Yeah, yeah. It's good stuff, that. Early days. Yeah, yeah. And now, I've got a tattoo, a tally chart tattoo. Done by me. Done by James Hayek. Really? Yeah, yeah.

1:00:35James Acaster: I did a tally chart in his leg. Yeah. Inked him. Come on. For life. That's good. Would you let me give you a tattoo? probably not you sure? yeah I don't have any tattoos yeah I'll give you a nice tattoo I was thinking about death on horseback after every big achievement in my life like just getting a dot yeah a small dot yeah so then people say have you got any tattoos you're like yeah I've got shed loads well I can't see them yeah they're only very small I've got one there one there yeah but then if you keep achieving stuff you know you've achieved a lot in your life already Rob if you keep achieving stuff at the same rate you're going to look like you're frackley you're going to have so many because you have loads of dots then eventually they'll build up so that would be good yeah can you imagine me on like a panel show

1:01:32yeah yeah I can imagine it I'd love it anyway so what was that band called? Master Boot Record must have been recorded so those riffs are coming through yeah they're coming through you're having a scrumpy jack they're coming through but the scrumpy jacks are there but when Victoria and I were getting just before we got married yeah we had the wedding in her parents back garden and one of my favourite memories from organising that wedding is one afternoon we had a lemon cello is it lemon cello or lemon cello lemon cello I say but I don't know we know what you mean we had a limoncello tasting afternoon so our parents went out and bought loads of bottles of different limoncello and we were tasting it and it was just one of the best things ever i just loved it because i like that drink anyway you know when you get it in an italian restaurant you're like oh come on yeah so there's basically loads of limoncello everywhere and we had it at the wedding and like just seeing pretty much all the people I know getting hammered on limoncello was a big moment joyous yeah I don't have it enough really it is so good what were you looking for with all the different limoncello's was there like something you were looking for particularly with the one that you chose I think just a really good mix of bitter and sweetness just like something that is just gonna kick things off yeah and I don't know if there's a better drink for that no I think it's the sugar content as well isn't it it's the sugar content and the booze and the lemon you're just like wow yeah wow thank you for throwing that

1:03:15James Acaster: in there for me yeah wow he knows I like that kind of stuff I really like those wow wow so do you know do you know what else I'll bring to the plosive Christmas part I'll bring some of those and a bottle of limoncello oh yeah your dream dessert Rob this is something that we got into during the pandemic which was um apple strudel from lidl yeah and um it's so cheap it's a big log it's like one pound 50 and that with some ice cream it was such obviously such a strange and horrific time the pandemic but that was kind of something that uh i don't know it felt like a safe space that i think you know comfort food yeah and that apple strudel was you know going in there being like all right should we get another one yeah yeah how many strudels were you working your way through a week would you say i don't know i reckon i've done like a a good few meters of strudel you have to you have to measure it in meters yeah yeah so if this is if this whole meals everything you've you know people you've met in your life all the sofas from your life yeah do you think we should get the equivalent amount of apple strudel that you ate during the pandemic and line it up on a long table oh that's a good idea yeah yeah it should do definitely yeah that'd be nice but yeah big shout out to those um obviously you warm it warm it up yeah having it hot yeah it's hot yeah the ice cream yeah but that was yeah i love yeah warm apples go a long way don't they try to think if we had anything like that in the pandemic that we just kept going back to?

1:04:51I'm not sure if we did. I didn't. No. No. You didn't cook the same thing ever? I don't think so. No, I don't think so. No, no, no. You'd try something different every night, didn't you? Yeah.

1:05:05James Acaster: Make most of it. So that would be the pudding, but then this, there would be a goodie bag. Is that possible? Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the first goodie bag I think we've had on the pot. Like a party bag? Yeah. Oh, fantastic. If we can go away with a goodie bag. Yeah. You know sometimes you go to gigs and there's someone's laid out just like some bags of crisps and sweets and stuff yeah now when you first age backstage yeah when you first start and that's a real treat isn't it you're like oh my god can i have these crisps yeah can i have this some of these haribo and um on tour that doesn't really happen you know for me yes but when it did happen was when I would do gigs in York.

1:05:51Yeah. And Al Greaves, the promoter, always put out such a good spread. Yeah. Al's been to the supermarket. I was like, fuck, this is awesome. And he'd like, he'd always get like just really good cereal bars and crisps and drinks. And he was like, you take them home if you want. I'm like, bars of dairy milk. And he passed away this year. and I was just like oh what so no one do gigs in York it's like it's a different experience so the party bag would be that

1:06:26James Acaster: the thing that Al would buy yeah and he used to do when I first did a gig with Al his act was he had a carrier bag with him yeah he'd go on stage with a carrier bag that was full of like props to cue his jokes so you could have it in an Al Greaves carrier bag yeah to take away with you it's so it's so rare isn't it where you arrive at a gig and it's like they're excited to see you and they've laid stuff out yeah I've got Chorley is the one Chorley Little Theatre unbelievable I don't think I must have done it with the double act but I don't think I've done it recently Chorley Little Theatre you go in there there's a hilarious photo from Kieran Hodgson's latest tour because it's like they've got every bag of crisps in the world just lined up just like more than anyone could eat in a year yeah yeah all their cakes and stuff I'm really looking forward to it I'm at Chorley Little Theatre this Sunday.

1:07:18I should be over the novelty of it now. But when those things, they've actually left an axe out and stuff. And it feels disrespectful. But I will now and again load my bag up. If it's good enough stuff. But is that alright to do? I do it with the promoter Will Briggs quite a lot. The Greenwich Comedy Garden, he does the comedy garden gigs. And I do it in front of him because I know I'm normally on the first night of the whole festival and he's bought them for the whole festival. over multiple days and then I'm basically emptying a bowl of wafer caramel wafers into my bag all the crisps are going in there and then I eat like a king for like a you know yeah it's funny to do that to Will

1:07:57James Acaster: because people who don't know me laughs at everything but also will be upset that you're doing that yeah yeah also shout out to while we're doing this Middlesbrough Town Hall who lay on Charcot's Reboard oh yes really yeah but they know what they're doing they're busting you up before you absolutely die on your ass yeah I did a gig once in Newcastle and they got me a bunch of ice cream and they said I'd have been in the week before or something and got a cheese board got loads of cheese yeah so you know full respect you've been on the pod now you're going to be turning up at these places yeah and the backstage will be everyone you've ever met devils on horseback everyone you've ever met yeah they they give you they give you an Eccles cake don't they yeah and the a chorley cake a chorley cake yeah a chorley cake you won't get that again no you said that yeah good luck booking yourself in an Eccles on your next tour I love this strudel it's attached to a nice memory I think it's great you've got the strudel and your wife will be there yeah bringing out the strudel yeah she's bringing out the strudel absolutely she's not having a meal with you yeah yeah well everyone's there yeah everyone's there oh but they taking turns to bring out.

1:09:14James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Okay, yeah. But Jamie's the only one walking around. Yeah, Jamie's just mingling, walking around. Yeah, with the plank. Chatting with people, got his planks. Yeah, Forrest Gump is there. Why is Forrest Gump there? Favourite film.

1:09:31Yeah, he's got to be there. All the characters from Forrest Gump or just Forrest? I think just Forrest, you know. Bubba, come on. Nah. Not Bubba? Bubba's not there? Eating shrimp?

1:09:40James Acaster: Any particular era? any particular area of Forrest Gump you're a fan of of his life yeah I maybe that you like his look well yeah when he's running yeah but I think it's my some of my favourite use of CGI in any film ever is when he's meeting like John Lennon and uh huh so you'll get to do it for real at your restaurant though absolutely it's pretty cool yeah it's pretty cool yeah you see Forrest Gump meet John Lennon yeah I'm a big Tom Hanks fan and I think that's his it's my favourite of his work you know just being on holiday and coming back on the plane Saving Private Ryan was an option yes and I thought I can't put that on it was like a kid sitting being like diagnosed yeah yeah can't have that on it's a great film though Saving Private Ryan is one of his best absolutely you've got to be careful about what you watch on planes I think Ed's watched some you watched the last Jackass film on a plane I watched the last Jackass film and every time the cabin crew came round to offer me a drink there was a dick on the screen.

1:10:45A full close up of a dick. And I'd laugh in his head off. Yeah. Because they'd be like would you like it? And I'd go sorry, pause it.

1:10:51James Acaster: Yeah. And look back round. Full dick. I'm going to read you your menu now Rob. See how you feel about it. Okay. You would like still water at 3am after a meal and loads of beers obviously at Black Rock. Popper Dom's or bread. Bread from the hotel that your mum used to work in with salted butter. That his mum made. That your mum made as well. That's correct appropriately. Starter, you want the first bits of carved lamb and pork by your dad. Main course, dishes from everyone you've ever met, including sweet and sour chicken from the Chinese restaurant in Greece with Pete and Vanessa and your granny's roast potatoes.

1:11:28James Acaster: Side dish, you want your auntie's devils on horseback. Drink, you want four cans of scrumpy jack after putting up your tent at Glastonbury and you would like loads of limoncello. Dessert, the little apple strudel with ice cream and a party bag of Al Greaves spread. Beautiful. How do you feel about that, Rob? I feel pretty good. I feel like that would be a good night. It would be a fantastic night. I mean, we've got great entertainment there as well. It's, you know, a lot of people there. You've hit on a new loophole in the Dream Restaurant, which is where you said a dish from everyone you've ever met is bringing a dish, and you just told us two of them.

1:12:02James Acaster: Yeah. Which is a great loophole. Yeah. So now basically you've got more food than anyone's ever ordered in the Dream Restaurant. And you know them, but we don't. Yeah. Rob, thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you for having me. Thank you, Rob. You've been a dream. Might start ending it like that.

1:12:24Thank you so much to Rob for coming on the pod.

1:12:26James Acaster: First guest to write down verbatim what they want to say and stick to that script. Yes. And if we tried to move him away from that, he wouldn't have any of it. I don't think it would work for a lot of guests. So if you're a future guest, don't be thinking you'd write down that verbatim. It worked for Rob because of who he is. Yeah, I would very much recommend, if you're just listening to this on audio, if you're able to watch the video on YouTube, do do it because it's funny watching Rob's face when we try and ask him stuff that he's not got written down. And when we spot that he's written it all down.

1:12:59James Acaster: Yeah, he really, he looks at us not happy sometimes. It's a good little glare that he gives us. Little glare. You should go and see Rob do his show, Jupiter. He's touring it now. And, of course, the Rob Orton Daily Podcast, part of the Plosive family. You can listen to so many episodes of that wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you very much. Goodbye. Goodbye.