Paul F. Tompkins (Tasting Menu)

0:00Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, Fresh Hell. And we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows. They're going to be great. They're on sale now. Edgamble.co.uk for ticket details. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text.

0:37You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability.

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1:46today's episode of the off menu podcast is sponsored by the expense account podcast now we all know that eating out in new york has become an extreme sport i was there recently and boy oh boy there's so much choice there's so much to see there's so many new restaurants you start to get a bit overwhelmed and if you treat dining out like a full-time obsession as i do and care about the scene just as much as what's on the menu you need to listen to expense Account. Expense Account uses food as an entry point into bigger conversations about culture, identity, taste, and the way we live now. It treats every meal as a window into someone's life and the world at large.

2:22It's a bit like the Off Menu podcast, if it was clever. Hosted by Jay Lee, food critic at Emily Sundberg's Feed Me Media Empire, each episode features Jay sitting down with guests like writer Molly Baars, chef Carla Lally, PBS host Patty Ginich, and so many more to explore how food and culture are inextricably linked. You might also hear from musicians, writers, tastemakers, and even the bartender at Jay's favourite joint. Because everyone eats, everyone has a story, and everyone has a take. Like my one about Yorkshire puddings that I say on everything. Most food shows stay on the plate. Expense Account uses the plate as a springboard to talk about everything around it.

3:00Search for Expense Account wherever you get podcasts.

3:17Welcome to the off-menu tasting menus. We get a fan favourite back on the podcast. We give them the menu of another fan favourite and they react to it. This week, our returning fan favourite guest is... Paul F. Tompkins! Paul F. Tompkins. I remember the first time we had Paul on, James, I was so excited. I love Paul L. Tompkins' work. We interviewed him in America. It's fantastic that he was over in the UK to record this. Delighted to have him back on. We'll be giving him the menu of another fan favourite. This feels like the second part of a foreign exchange student, kind of like pen pal situation.

3:53You go and visit them where they live, and now he's coming to our home. Learning all our little ways. Yeah, that's exciting. Did you do foreign exchange when you were a kid? No, we had pen pals with just another school in England, and we went to their school at one point and obviously my one kind of didn't want to hang out with me when he met me in person. He kind of ditched me for this other... He kind of hung out with his friend and his pen pal from my class so I was kind of just drifting around on my own at this other school for the day. But look at you now. That kid is going to be gutted right now.

4:23You could have been friends with James Acaster. That kid's David Beckham. Very excited to speak to Paul, of course. Listen to Spontaneanation, Paul's podcast. He's got another podcast called Freedom as well. I'll listen to that one. He's on all sorts of podcasts. He's brilliant. Always funny. Always a pleasure to talk to. Let's see how he reacts to this menu, Ed. This is the off-menu tasting menu of Paul F. Tompkins.

4:55Welcome back, Paul, to the Dream Restaurant. Hi, Paul. It's good to see you. I thank you. It's good to see you, fellas. We were just chuckling there at Ben's clap. It was fun. Ben does a little clap to... The clap, though, what does that actually do? Syncs up the sound, I think. Shouldn't it be in front of the cameras, though, to sync up the sound with the audio? Okay. Oh, he's telling you it's boring. Wow. That's the earliest Ben's ever said to us this is boring. Is that wrong? No, no, no. That was not boring. It was a genuine question from me, Paul. That was just my actual personality. Of course.

5:24Only time that Ed's ever shown an interest in Ben's life. Yeah. Telling him he's probably doing something wrong. Oh, it was wrong. shouldn't they be in front of the camera yeah so everything we're saying now they will have already heard it right and our faces are doing it right now yeah our faces are doing it right now our faces are doing it right now yeah yeah but they've already heard it yeah they've already heard it yeah but our faces are doing it right now you guys i should not have gotten high before this this is hard for me listen man this is different territory now you when you came on this podcast those early days we were boys yeah we're men now you can't push us around like you did the first time you know what i respect that yeah i respect that do you remember being pushed around by paul yeah yeah push us around oh i don't push people oh no i'm a sweetie you are a sweetie yeah we were just little boys with little dicks we're gonna show him we're gonna show him who we are okay sorry show me who we are we've got to show him who we become now yeah okay and we've started paul it's a delight to have you back i'm very happy to be back i'm glad this all worked out to experience a tasting menu yes when we last saw you it was um february 2020 before everything kicked off um and kick off it did yeah how have you been since we saw you

6:47anything happened i've um uh what's funny now is that in when you see somebody you haven't seen a while in in the states now uh and you ask them how they are they always start with i mean you know it's like understood understood yeah yeah just in general you as a human being how are you doing your day-to-day life yes don't feel like you have to we know what's going on we just want surface level. Yeah, you're not a bad person if you start with, the injustice! It's like, yes, understood. Yeah, if you start going, fantastic, everything's great. No one's assuming you think everything's great? Are you kidding me?

7:27This person doesn't care. What you do is you give a high pitch, good, good, pretty good. Sells it. You know exactly what's going on. That's good. Did you turn down the ad?

7:44Let me tell you something. They offered me$1 ,000 to go over there. What? And I said, uh-uh. I have principles. And that was a life-changing amount of money for you. That was to emcee the Nuwak showcase. Yes, the fresh faces. The new faces. Riyadh new faces. I was going to do the character night. Yeah. And it's too bad. You had to pay for your own flights as well, though, right? Yes. Out of the 1 ,000. Yes. and then some sort of travel tax that I had to pay upon arrival at the venue. And accommodation. Yeah. Total nightmare. Yeah, no one talks about, yeah, the comics who offer the most disrespectful deals they've ever come across.

8:25You know, I have my principles. Me and James are setting up the Riyadh Free Fringe. Yeah. Because we feel like ticket prices have got too high. Oh, it's so... Yeah. It used to be great. Yeah. The Riyadh Comedy Festival used to be so lovely and now it's just, it's too big. Yeah, it got too big. Yeah. It's too corporate, may I say? They got Chili's. Yeah. Everyone knows that. Starbucks. Yeah. Everyone knows that. That's very well publicized. It's really too bad the money was so low because I was looking forward to building a bridge between our cultures. Yep. And, you know, in many ways, America's more oppressive than anybody else.

9:02That's a good point. Yeah. It's a good point. It's a good point. Too bad. Now, you've heard some taste in menus in the past. Yes, I have. is there any you know that we're going to give you another guest's menu yes anyone that you're hoping for anyone that you think are absolutely not that person do you know it's difficult because they get sort of confusing because the guests are seem very put off by the whole idea I think was the first one John John Pence yeah that's the one that sticks in my mind the most yeah Yeah. So he had Miriam Margulies' menu. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think people come into the dream restaurant and they assume that they're just going to be able to pick what they like again because it's a dream.

9:48Yeah. But this is a forced dream. We're making... This is a nightmare. Well, it might be a nightmare. It might not be. It depends on the menu. But we are essentially making you have a specific dream, like sort of like a Black Mirror episode. Okay. You're not going to give me Stevie Martens, I hope. No. No. Don't worry. didn't like Stevie Martin's main course of nachos yeah wasn't all her food the same colour it was yeah it was pretty bad it had a consistency in the colour palette yeah I like a pop of colour yeah sure I think there's pops of colour in this oh there's actually quite a lot of colour in this looking at it actually ooh we didn't really bring it up at the time but there was not no this is all the same colour yeah yeah this is pretty similar color wise.

10:39So you know when I said there's some colors in this, I meant the opposite. Yeah. Why? I, well, I don't know. I think I just didn't know. Yeah. But it sounds like you're trying not to say that you lied. Yes. It wasn't a lie. I just said... I meant the opposite of what I said. I meant the opposite of what I said. That sounds like a lie. And it was an error. It was an error. So it didn't come from the heart. I would have led with I was mistaken. I was, okay. Rather than I meant the opposite of what I said. I meant... You're lucky we're not in court. What I said was not what I meant. Unfortunately, it's the exact opposite of what I said.

11:14But is that a lie? Who are we to say? See, if you were the opposing lawyer and you made that noise, I think I've won the case. I feel like I'm about to deploy Ben's famous catchphrase, this is boring. Do you know, the last time we were together, the only thing I remember from the episode is the famous canary in a cold. conundrum canary in a cold mine I also remember the brussel sprouts song yeah you sang a song about brussel sprouts yeah I don't remember that you seem to know the song off by heart at the time so it's a shame we both knew it off by heart at the time Paul and I didn't no I tried my own version meatballs oh the meat maybe it was the meatballs both we did both yeah on top of spaghetti yeah yeah is that the one well we did that and we did the brussel sprouts song what's the brussel sprouts song do you remember it yeah so do you let's hear it and so do I let's do it together let's do it together this is happening again Brussels sprouts they're going they're going south Brussels sprouts good as well as last time Brussels sprouts they're going south yeah I thought they were going south yeah what did we what did we determine about the canary in the coal mine because I forgot I cannot remember that I think the idea was testing something something being the canary in the coal mine Yeah.

12:36And then we were wondering, how did they get the canary in the corner? What did they do? Did they lower a cage with a canary in the corner? Oh, yeah, of course. And I can't remember what the real thing was. I think knowing us, it would have started with farts. So it probably would have been a room full of farts and that you send a canary in there to check if the farts have cleared yet. After you've had your Brussels sprouts or something. Paul is so disgusted with you right now. I know that didn't happen. Yeah? You're not a fart guy, right? You're not a fart humorist. No. No, I wouldn't call myself that.

13:06You don't call yourself a fart human. I wouldn't be so hubristic as to lay claim to that title. When others do it so well. Yeah. There were actually too many of those guys going to Riyadh. That's why you missed out in the end. Yeah. That's right. There was a mandate. Yeah. We got too many. There was a special clause in the contract that said, you could only fart this many times. Yeah. You're not allowed to fart this much. During your set or the whole time you're there? The whole time you're there. Wow. So you're imagining that Paul is a fart. humorist at literally farts rather than just talks about farts he does a joke about farts and then after the punchline cops her cheek and farts as like a little bit of punctuation at the end that's an edit point you just lift that all out we're giving you Alex Horn's menu okay he's a vegetarian is that correct no not at all why did I think that he looks vegetarian he does look vegetarian yeah He seems like a guy you'd go to a restaurant with and it would be a problem.

14:08Yeah. Well, that's true. That's true. But not because of any dietary needs. Is he a picky little boy? No. He's not a picky little boy. He's just trouble. He's just trouble. He's the sort of person who'd be eating your main course and suddenly he'd just reach over and grab a bit. Oh, no. And then he'd pop it in his mouth, I think. Oh, absolutely not. He's an alien, like when it comes to food. It's like he doesn't really understand the concept of... By the way, you left such a big gap between alien and when it comes to food, that it sounded like you were just going with... I thought this was a scoop.

14:40Yeah. It was an exclusive. He's an alien. Well, I don't think that would surprise anyone. That man was an alien. Absolutely not. See him try and talk to me. When he's on TV, that's him that is most charismatic. He's turning it on for the cameras. Off camera, so uphill. We'd have a chat with that guy. I think it's because you two are too similar. You and Alex Horn. No. Because out of everyone I know from comedy, Paul, and out of everyone you know from comedy, who would you point out as being the most likely to be an alien? Wow. Give you a little clue. You're looking at me. You're pointing at me.

15:17You know Sam Campbell? I think I feel... Sam Campbell. Yeah, that's true. Sam Campbell. I feel like you're a little too combative to be an alien. Thank you. Yeah. Because aliens are famously friendly, aren't they? Well, I mean, if you're trying to... Have you seen Independence Day? Now, hold on a second. They're not trying to live like us on Earth. They just came to destroy things. That's pretty combative in my book. You're saying there's one kind of alien? No, I'm saying that... You're not familiar with the whites? With the grays? But the grays are combative, aren't they? As far as I'm concerned.

15:52They're just nosy. They're nosy, and most of them want you to take them to your dealer, from memory. Is that a thing in America? take me to your dealer is that a thing that aliens say this yeah yeah it was a big poster over here in the 90s and t-shirts and t-shirts so it'd be a big picture of a grey alien holding his finger up it's like glowing like a spliff and it says take me to your dealer why would he need the dealer when he's already got a built in joint look that's fair enough but you can ask or is he looking to sell the finger maybe he's looking to sell the finger take me to your dealer and is he looking to buy I have no experience in business.

16:31How much did I make from this? You seem to have a good thing going on this planet. Take me to your dealer. That's one of the great posters, I think. One of the great posters. It was iconic. When we were kids, that was huge. Take me to the dealer. Adihash was another good one. That would be like a flag, like the Adidas logo, but it's a weed leaf and it says Adihash. That sounds familiar. I feel like I've seen it. You must have seen Adihash. Are they still making things like that? They surely sell things like that at festivals still, I think. but I've not seen Take Me to Your Dealer in a long time Needs to bring him back Yeah Take Me to Your Dealer or its own film I beg your pardon It should have like a film based on the popular poster Yeah We've had like Barbie the movie right Yeah It's about time we started basing movies on posters Base the thing on a book Yeah And maybe the Take Me to Your Dealer people would be like the Mattel people and be up for you know being criticized during it as well That's right Yeah Lightly That's right Yeah, about the dangers of marijuana.

17:30Yeah, it'd be like, hey, I grew up with Take Me To Your Dealer, and now I'm stoned 24-7. Let's brainstorm this. So it would be an alien. I mean, it has to be an alien that comes down to Earth. It's like an E.T. type story. Yeah, yeah. But it lives on the planet where all the Take Me To Your Dealer aliens live. So on this planet, it's full of aliens who are all looking for a dealer, but there isn't one there. I think it's a planet of dealers. And one alien. And what? No, there are alien dealers. Yeah. Paul's saying all the aliens are drug dealers. You're saying that all the aliens are human. You're saying there's all human drug dealers on the planet.

18:10And one alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you think it is. But then why would that guy then need to come here to find a dealer? There's two societies and they're split between dealers and dealer wanters. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Junkies. And so, well, are they? Or is it just the way their society is? And who are we to judge? Yeah. The film will explore that, I guess. Yes. And he comes to Earth, or she! Yep. And is lost because it's like, how can I, I can't believe there's no dealers around. Yeah. And because weed is now, they just sell it in stores and stuff. Yeah. It's very confusing. He wants to go to a dark hole.

18:49He needs to find somebody. Want a dealer. Yeah. He needs to find a dealer. Well, then he needs to come to the UK. This needs to be UK based, I think. Mm. We don't have the shops here. We're not selling it. I thought I saw one. No, you got done. It's got the green cross. Does that mean something else? Oh, that's just a regular pharmacy. That's a regular pharmacy. Whatever you bought. Boy, that's confusing. I feel sorry for people coming to America. What have you been smoking this whole trip? Yeah, some Paracetum. Fix Vaporub. I don't smoke anything, but I do eat gummies all day long. Yeah. So those were the little laxative pills you'd be eating.

19:24I guess so. That would explain a great deal. that's a good bit for the film isn't it oh yeah the alien accidentally eats laxatives groups everywhere and you can do the fart for the for the voiceover Ed that's two I didn't realise you're on a counter you don't want to get to three okay because then you're gonna you'll find out I hope you don't you know what I think you're gonna do but I can't mention it because then it'll be three yeah this is an absolute catch 22 catch 20 poo

19:59there we go lifts up nicely for your water course you had still water yes Alex Horner's gone a different way what do you think Alex has done and this is what you're gonna has he come up with a third thing yes and this might be something you don't have in the US of A I haven't seen it there another type of water well is it not a water I don't think, no. He's really bent the rules here. We've let him. Oh, he likes to do it. He likes to do it. Oh, it's okay when he does it. Sure. So still are sparkling, or is it like a cola of some sort? No, but you're right. It's just a completely different drink, and it's just a brand name of something that he bought.

20:46Santa? Very close. Santa. Santa. Ganta? It's a tall glass of Santa. That's pretty close to Fanta. What would you say Ganta is? If you had to imagine what ganja is as a drink. I mean, obviously, it's Fanta laced with marijuana. Yeah. So it's a hybrid of ganja and Fanta. Yeah. Which sounds fantastic. And gantastic. We're having fun. I'm here with my friends, Teddy and Jim.

21:17Orangina. Get the fuck out of here. Orangina. To start a meal? of in Gina. Why not just orange juice? Yeah, he wants some in Gina. So you have orange, you have orange, yeah, yeah, Is it in the fun bottle as well? Yeah. That looks like an orange? You know what? I don't know if it still is, but I remember when it was, when it was a new thing in the States. That was exciting. It was an exciting time. Yeah. Yeah. There's a new drink innovation. Yeah. I remember my mother who was, you know, she was a kid during the depression and she thought, I never, I never thought I'd see this day. Yeah. It's a wonderful day for freedom.

21:54Yeah, she cried an orange tear. What's the latest drink innovation in America at the minute? Is there something that's like... Everything's a zero in terms of your mainstream soda pops. The sort of lightly flavored sparkling water. What is it? La Croix, all that stuff, which I really don't like because it's neither fish nor fowl. It is either I want no flavor or I want some flavor, but it feels like you're drinking out of a reused glass. It's just like the tiniest little, I don't get it. I don't get what the point is. It's like the memory of a flavor. Yeah. I don't find it refreshing or enjoyable, but people, it's now the default everywhere you go.

22:39Those kind of drinks, Spindrift, others. And it used to be if you'd go to a place like this that had like a little kitchenette or something, you would find water, you'd find maybe some soft drinks. And now it's all that. And if you don't drink that, you're out of luck, baby. That's it. Are you a fan of liquid death? It's so cool. Yeah, it is cool, isn't it? It's so cool. And a lot of times when I'm drinking water, I feel like a big loser. And I remember thinking, if only there was a way to make this rock and roll. and they did it they did it they finally did it yeah I would love that if Paul just started drinking liquid death and that was your drink and everyone was like Paul F.

23:25Tomkins is drinking liquid death all the time turns up with a big load of liquid death absolutely yeah what I like about liquid death is if you have it when you're driving it looks like you're having a big beer yeah and then the police might stop you and you'd be like there's nothing they can do suckers yeah it's water police hate this one trick yeah but there's nothing they can do about it yeah bad luck And then they have to be like, all right, we'll leave you alone. Because they will do that. And they will do that. If there's no laws broken, they have to leave you alone. Yeah. And they can't make anything up.

23:54Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All shucks sticking their hands in their pockets, kicking a rock. Got me again. And then they walk back to their car and then I go, hey, copper. And then I throw them a can of liquid ethics that spins through the air. They catch it and they go, hmm, and then open it and take it. This is an advert now. Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, yeah. Sometimes I just go into advert. Right, yeah. And then they are fired because the commissioner of police drives by, sees them drinking a, I think it's a beer. Yeah. And he goes down the line, right? The commissioner comes out, gives him a dressing down in front of everyone.

24:24Yeah. The cop is there taking the dressing down, but knows they've got an eight in the hole. This is water. The captain's just completely... The captain's gutted. What? Oh, man, I got a... Oh, shucks. Hand in the pocket. He's kicking a rock. Got me again. Or he shoots him. That's how we... That's a good answer. That's how things are solved where I come from. Yeah. Yes. I forgot if this is set in America. Because the police commissioner would think he's a dirty cop. Or he knows I'm a dirty cop. The Shield. Got to get rid of him. I'm thinking this advert is... The TV show The Shield. This advert is all filmed with body cam footage as well.

25:01Yeah, it's one of them. And it's not released at first. Yeah, yeah. This is an advertisement. You have to fight to get released. That's sweet petitions. Yeah. And the advert kind of what? ends with you as the kind of citizen or steering wheel just panicking because a cop has shot another cop yeah going what the fuck am I gonna do oh jesus christ and then it just got liquid death across the screen yeah I think so yeah or I like take a glug and that calms me down or something and then the tagline is the the police captain saying you didn't see shit liquid death you didn't see shit yeah that's good I think you know sometimes when we mention products they send us some i don't know if that's going to happen this time we'll see if it does you don't think liquid is not going to look cool enough to like this commercial we've just come over have you looked at the can lately but they do a lime one anyway they do like a lime seltzer version oh do they really yeah it's called like fucking lime or something

26:04lime up your ass

26:09your bread course you chose hot fresh sourdough and a dark peasanty bread is what you said yeah and i think we all know what you mean yes and you stand by it still sounds nice alex horns this is what you're having so i'm saying you're not having that today communion wafers I'm genuinely checking if that's in there it's a great guess okay it's not in there okay but I'm smiling for a reason anyway well that's nice you'll find out what the reason later he's just smiling he's just so happy he's smiling for a reason I'm not an idiot I'm not smiling for no reason yeah I don't want you to think that you're not tetched okay you're gonna we're sending over some mighty white medium sliced bread with butter, shrimp primula, sliced cheese and gluten, river flavor, and a Biscoff Pop-Tart.

27:02It's your bread course. There was an ingredient in there. What was the shrimpula? What? Shrimp primula. It's a shrimp spread. It's like a... Not a shrimp who's been turned into a vampire.

27:16Shrimp primula? Yeah. I can't believe we've come up with another show. We've come up with two shows in an advert. Yeah. We've almost got a whole hour of programming. A shrimp has been turned into a vampire. So I guess a vampire bit the shrimp. Yeah. Doesn't like seafood. Yeah. Put it back. Yeah. Now the shrimp's a vampire. Now the shrimp's a vampire, yeah. And lives... I guess it takes place under the sea like Spongebob, but it's like a... But he has to stay under a rock all day. It's like a dark Spongebob. Yeah. Yeah. Can't see the sun. Has to go into that dark bit of the ocean. Yeah. Where we don't even understand it.

27:48Oh my God. The fish with a light bulb head. Oh, I don't like that. Thumbs down. I don't like those guys. No one likes those guys. No, see-through skulls and stuff? Yeah. Get out of here. Awful. Although Shrimpula would have to be friends with one of those guys so he can see around in the dark, right? Yeah, Shrimpula would have to be friends with one of those guys. Shrimpula would be forced to be friends with one of those guys. Yeah. Yeah. There's no way around it. Probably become everyone's favourite character in the cartoon. Oh, yeah. Because you'd have a lot of fun with those guys. Yeah. And make it quite an adorable...

28:16A fun, dumb sidekick. You'd have to spit it so it's not as psychotic as it looks. it's quite a fun little friend to have around and then everyone would love Bulbo just a huge jaw full of razor sharp teeth yeah just black eyes like Bulbhead but then he's funny yeah he's quite he doesn't get things a good listener he's a good listener he cares about Shrimpula he cares about Shrimpula he's nicer to Shrimpula than Shrimpula is to him by far oh for sure so what the fuck is that that's a it's like a prawn. It's like cheese in a tube. So it's like spreadable cheese in a tube. Which is primula, but shrimp flavored.

28:57Yeah. It's not a best seller. Wait, wait, wait. Spreadable cheese in a tube is called primula? Yeah. Where does that come from? I genuinely don't know. Primula. Ben, you'll have to Google it. Ben, you'll have to Google where the word primula comes from. That sounds like a children's medicine, right? Yeah, it does. Yeah, that doesn't sound like cheese in a tube. Do you have spreadable cheese in a tube? Of course. What's it called? I dare say we invented it. If anyone did. Almost certainly. Almost certainly. I was going to say Cheez Whiz, but that's a different thing. I can't think of a brand name.

29:26But yeah, it's like it almost comes out looking almost like a sort of cake frosting kind of thing. Yeah, we've got Primula. It comes in like it looks like a toothpaste tube, basically, like a big toothpaste tube. We've got Primula sounds like you would say that to someone on the phone. They can't come over. Yeah. Sorry, we've got Primula. We've got Primula. We've got Primula. We're shielded. It actually looks like a sort of topical cream. Yes. I would say. I think you're right that it sounds like a pharmaceutical thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's not. The baby's got the croup. The more that we describe it.

30:00We'd lay it on his chest. So he could sleep. And you just squeeze it onto bread and spread it out. Or now and again, I've gone straight to mouth. Sure. Cheap to mouth. When I was a young bachelor, I remember realizing I could buy that if I wanted to. All the things my mother would say, no, that's garbage. Yeah, don't buy that. We're not going to eat that. Yeah. But I've got money now. I can walk into a shop. I can buy that. I can squeeze it straight into my mouth. That's right. Yeah. What was the worst thing you did that with as a young bachelor? Probably, I used to buy these, it would be like just a box of microwavable chicken.

30:39Yeah. Banquet. Banquet chicken, it was called. And you would get like eight pieces of chicken. and I would make that last almost a week. Wow. Yeah. So some days you're doubling up on the chicken. Yeah. Yeah. And you're splashing out, but then other days you're just having one piece of chicken. That was a time of life where a meal would be something that you would eat all week long, the same thing all week long. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, make a big batch of it. When I moved to Los Angeles, I was saved by my mother who would make up her pasta sauce, red sauce, and meatballs and sausages and send that to me frozen.

31:15so then I could just buy some spaghetti and heat that up. And it was very much necessary. It saved me many times. You're one of those people who I just imagine their mother is you. Some racist. Oh, there's more. You're one of those people. Moving on. You're one of those people. Yeah. I can only imagine when people talk about their mother and I haven't met their mother, usually it's just like an image doesn't come into my head. But for you, I do just imagine you in a wig. I've had this with people. That's all I imagine. When you say my mother, I'm like, oh, that's Paul in a wig. I've had this exact same thing.

31:56There was a TV show called WKRP in Cincinnati. And there was a character on that show called Les Nesman. And there was an episode where his mother comes to visit. And it's just the actor made up to look like his own mother. And there was a guy that I knew that when he would talk about his mother, that's exactly what I pictured. was him in a wig and lipstick, like little glasses. I think, I can't imagine any member of your family that isn't just you in a different costume. Now, do you imagine my mother having a mustache? Yeah. Okay. Just you. She was Italian. You're racist. So it was racist in the end.

32:31You're one of those people. I was right. It ended up being racist. Yeah. Well, I got there in the end. James is one of the slowest racists on the planet. Yeah. The other racists are very disappointed in me. Every time we have a meeting, okay, hey, Castle, you know what we're going to say. It's still taking you too long to get to the racism every single time. Stop with the small talk. Yeah, you've got to stop getting to know these people. Taking the long way around. Yeah. Cut to the chase. It's so convoluted every single time. There's so many people to be racist to. Who do we think the fastest racist on earth is?

33:09There's a few out there. There's a few speedy lads out there. Yeah. There's a lot of people at the minute who are vying for that. They should do a racist Olympics. Wouldn't that be lovely? Yeah. To get them all in one place. Yeah. He's also got sliced cheese there along with this squeezy cheese. A Biscoff Pop-Tart. You love Pop-Tarts in America. You love it. You're American. You love it. You love Pop-Tarts. I can't deny that. That's true. Pop-Tarts are very enjoyable. I haven't had one in a while. Would you want it as part of your bread course before a meal? No. No. Because I take the podcast seriously and I'm not here to fuck around.

33:45Yeah. And be a little devil. I think Alex was fucking around a little bit, but also I just think he has no real taste in food and just panics when... That makes me sad. Because every time, if you're filming Taskmaster with him, they'll come around and say, what does everyone want for lunch? And all he wants is whatever the most people are ordering there. because it seems like the most correct thing the most correct thing yeah what everyone else wants is what he wants alien he's an alien that's totally an alien trying to blend in isn't it that's all it is and this is like he's not even trying to be like that weird with it I think gluten and riboflavin yeah he's like that's funny but everything else he's like I would genuinely eat that and I would enjoy it if I was just allowed to eat anything I wanted I don't know if he'd put the shrimp primula on the Biscoff pop tart I'm guessing you wouldn't no this is bleak

34:40well how about this for a starter then and I mean I forgot that was just the bread course that's just the bread course and then again just to remind you you had from Lily Langtrees you had the cream of celery soup lovely delicious pretty similar I thought it was cream of broccoli did I say celery? that's what it says here that's what Benito wrote down Ben have you been taking information off the Wikipedia the fan made Wikipedia they change one thing slightly yeah I bet it was celery I bet I'm misremembering in my mind cream of celery it does sound nice sounds nice either way I'd eat that soup cream of anything really I mean you can't go wrong it's the cream really doing a lot of the happy lifting let's be honest so not yeah I don't think this could be more opposite actually what he's had a crisp platter so that you call them chips in the US a crisp platter with dips Jules Watson's pork crackling and one hairless pork scratching.

35:39It's his starter. Pork crackling and one hairless pork scratching. How are you feeling about that? What is that? What's his wordplay there? There's no wordplay. No wordplay. So pork, are you aware of pork crackling, of course? Yeah, the crackling bit on the side of the pork. Pork scratchings, you buy them in bags in pubs here. It's just bits of fat. It's the same as crackling. But sometimes they have hair still on them. Hair, hair? Yeah, like pig hair. But I mean, does your tongue register it as hair? Yeah, it looks like hair, yeah. It looks like it, but what's the sensation of eating? I've never tasted the hair.

36:13It's not like you're chewing it. Like when you get a hair cut in your mouth, it doesn't feel like that. No, because it's been deep fried. It's been deep fried, so it's a crunchy hair. Yeah. But I'm not going to eat that. But it's still very much a hair. I feel like I have eaten that and I didn't. Yeah, I don't mind it. Because it doesn't say with hair, right? No. You specified the hairless. Sorry, we've only got it with hair left. Shave it off. I think we said on the episode, shave it off with a razor. Because do they make them? They make them hairless as well. That's an option you can have? I think the aim is always hairless.

36:43But sometimes, they're going to get in there. When you're shaving a pig, you can't be really getting every inch. Here's a character for you. Pork F. Scratchins. That's for me. Yeah. I think only you could do it. Okay. What do you think are the sort of characteristics of Pork F Scratches? It's you. Is he a pig? That's a pig with eczema. He is a pig, yeah. I think that would be a charming character for you. Really? Yeah. You think a character, any character with eczema is a charming character? A pig that people want to see? A pig, though. A pig. Yeah. Yeah, a pig with a skin irritation. Okay. Constantly using your trotters to be like...

37:26Right. Yeah. I mean, it's not a character point. They don't have a lot of reach. well that's the worst thing about it that's the worst thing about this charming character you gotta scratch up against stuff yeah like a bear like a bear does but you're a pig alright I'll think about it what would his job be I think before we pitch this to studios he's got a job now Paul Kef Scratchins has got to have a job I definitely think Paul Kef Scratchins has a hat yeah dresses like you but with a hat I've seen you in hats before I was wearing a hat when I saw you yesterday Yeah, so definitely just like, dressed like you, but a pig with eczema.

38:02Little mustache. Yeah, definitely. What's his job? I don't know why I'm on the spot here. You want to do this character so goddamn badly. James, this is what you do. Yeah. This is what you do. You think I'm going to fall for this? Like you're going to make it like it was my idea? Yeah. Uh-uh. I came ready for you today. I'm so glad you've called him on this, Paul. Ed thinks he wanted to do this. You're no better. because you enable him you like to sit back and watch it yeah you enable me I had to step in on that one though because this aggressive form of improv that you've invented is not on cornering people torturing them by making them improvised characters yeah is this a new thing you've started doing?

38:49yeah cornering people yeah it's good especially on the podcast it's funny it's good it's good it's good it works a lot of the time like you're just too clever for us I'm sure you have a lot of I feel like we feel like a fox into the hen house what a disaster that would be can you imagine I don't know why people talk about doing it so much it would be a terrible mess it would end so badly it's like when people are like oh let's let a bull into that china shop I'm like think it through yeah what a weird expression let the bull into the china shop crazy when has that ever happened yeah keep them separate I say keep them separate how do we know the bull is gonna go crazy in there we should we should do it we should run the experiment let a bull into a china shop and just see what happens he might just stand still like yeah you'd be quite confused yeah also when was the last time you saw a china shop it's a very good question a shop that just sells fine china I think the expression has stopped people opening China shops.

39:58Mmm. Even the possibility that it could happen. That a bull would be there. I could be wiped out in seconds. Not worth it. It's not worth it to have a China shop. Yeah. And you're happy that all this pork crackling and stuff has come to your table? No, of course not. Do you like... This is a dream restaurant. You know what I mean? these are attainable things in the waking world yes yeah this is not a big dream do you like pork crackling and i like it okay a little bit goes a long way yeah i can eat like three of those before i'm like yes basta i've not heard someone say that before yeah that's cool that is cool.

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42:19main course you had a lovely ricatoni arabiata beef and ragu sauce with some spice there's a bit of spice in there similar this one penne pasta okay normal with pesto borsan frankfurter and cheddar like cut up hot dogs yeah that's like your beef your beef in yours is he Is he an alien or is this a big situation? Where he's a little boy in an adult's body. I thought you meant just a big situation, which if he was an alien... He's a whole big situation. Mr. President, we've got a big situation. There's an alien on Earth. This is a big situation. It's a big situation. Drop what you're doing. Stop talking to the cast of Ted Lasso.

43:05So it's Penny... It's Penny Pasta. I'm not a big penne guy. I think it's a little too earthy for me, the pine sort of flavor. The pesto. No, pesto, pesto, yes. Did he say pesto or no? He said pesto. He did say pesto. Pesto, that's what I meant. Pesto is a bit too much for me. Yeah. There's pine nuts and parmesan and basil. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I like some spices, but pesto is not my fave. Yeah. It sticks around. It sticks around. You have it, and then for the rest of the day, you're tasting it. it's not going anywhere it's also not as satisfying to me as a rich red sauce and I prefer a red sauce to a cream sauce I'm not going to turn down a cream sauce who would?

43:50don't get me wrong but I love a red sauce okay so penne pasta, pesto he's just going for a little borsan what's that? we're back in the cheese territory it's like a spreadable you can't spread it it comes in like a little puck in like foil. It's like cream cheese, but a little bit more crumbly and they do like a garlic and herb one. It's nice. It's way nicer than Primula. It's nice. It would have to be. Yeah. So I guess it would just be put in the pasta and melt in there with everything. My memory of this is that he did just kind of, he's not had this. He's not eaten this. Yeah. It was something that he just thought that would be good.

44:30Came up with on the spot. Okay. Yeah. Okay. With frankfurter and cheddar. Cut up hot dogs and cheddar cheese. So two types of cheese. Yeah, yeah. Why stop at two? And there's parmesan in the pesto as well. So there's actually three types of cheese in there. I take it all back. And it sounds delicious. And then Primula, obviously, in the starters. But you'd have to, I mean, yeah. I mean, the concept of the cut-up hot dogs, I think works with like a macaroni and cheese. If you want to have like a sort of grown-up kid's meal. Yeah. but not in a pasta I don't think so it's really interesting what you say about Alex being in a big situation because it does make sense because of like he wears clothes that are like they've just been like Hawaiian shirts that have just been bought for him and he very much looks like a 14 year old going to his first like school dance where they can all wear their own clothes you know is that how old do you think he is 14 really based on this meal so far yeah 7 7 yeah yeah Yeah.

45:32That's fair enough. Do we think that's going to change? No. No. He's not going to get any older. There's quite a lot more for Maine, isn't there? Because this was a Christmas episode as well, we should say. Oh dear, so it's a big feast. You're actually getting quite a lot. There's a second Maine. So he introduced this. It's only time we've let someone do this hack. He's got a Jamie Oliver pork roll. That you would get in the market? So it was, I think, from a Jamie Oliver branded place, maybe at a service station. It was like a hot pork roll, like bread roll with pork in it. Has Jamie Oliver made it over to your side of the pond?

46:10Yeah, of course. How's he gone down over there? I think he had a TV show where I think there was some pushback because he was trying to get people to eat healthy and people were not interested in that. To see that on television. He was met with that here as well. Yes. That was very much the reaction here to him trying to make children eat healthier was there was a lot of pushback from the parents of the very same children who were rotting inside. Those children have grown up and hate him. None of them have grown up and gone, actually that guy, looking back, that was good. That whole generation hates his guts.

46:50He was trying to do a good thing. That's really funny to think about. They hate him. They hate him on site. They all hate him. he took away their turkey twizzlers yeah the big thing was the turkey twizzlers that they all wanted what is a turkey twizzler? so it's like something they used to serve in schools so it's like reconstituted turkey so there's barely any turkey in it but just like fake meat basically but in a like spring formation and then like in a in a sweet sauce so it's like in a sweet sauce? yeah well like a sort of you know like a barbecue-y type sauce I think so it's like but the key for the twizzle is the spring formation.

47:29Of course, of course. It wouldn't be called that otherwise. No, exactly. Yeah. It's like corkscrew, a corkscrew or a pig's penis. Yeah. Okay. I know what a corkscrew is. Yeah. Okay. I didn't need reference for that corkscrew. Oh, like pig's penis. I just thought that would give you some more inspiration for poor calf scratchings. Yeah. With a little corkscrew dick. What if he has a penis shaped like a bottle opener? Oh, yeah. That's what sets him apart. Yeah. that'd be a good visual gag in the first episode yeah all the other pigs were opening bottles of wine yeah and then he's cracking open a beer with his yeah well maybe no one wants to talk to him because he's always scratching his eczema yeah and then the end is he goes to the party and everyone's like how can I open my beer and then he pulls his trousers down yeah and do you think he he comes every time yeah yeah every time a bottle is open That's the great tragedy.

48:27Yeah, every single time. That's the great tragedy of Pork and Scratches. They're like, hey, Pork and Scratches, we've got a six-pack of beer here. We've got to open it, whip it out. He's like, oh, six? Oh, God, I don't know. Have you guys got about four hours? I feel like this is a character you could play. That was not bad. That was good? Yeah. Him, like, the dread setting in there. Yeah, like the face and everything. But of course he's going to do it because he wants to be popular. He wants to be popular. Yeah. you guys invited all these bachelor parties but if I'm playing stag dudes excuse me thank you you were a bachelor I was I was went to many a party I imagine of course yeah we used to have bachelor parties all the time yeah yeah nobody needed to get married no constantly no any party's a bachelor party when you're a partying bachelor yeah no married men allowed who's the worst married man you know is the devil married good question actually to his job he's married to his work yeah he does work a lot yeah he's always on the job always looking out for idle hands yeah yeah yeah tempting people yeah he can't hold a relationship Dan he's dumb when you think about it yeah yeah what is it he wastes his time going around trying to get little kids to lie or steal a candy bar or something yeah what you're the prince of darkness but it's wild like his day must be so varied because it's like make a kid steal a candy bar or make someone like commit murder commit murder yeah yeah and does he just does he just flip between the two things well it's also you know making people cheat on their spouses you know things like that look at pornography yeah yeah think about pornography yeah think about pornography yeah yeah sometimes he gets them with that and yet we still persist it's a tribute to us really gluttony is he still doing that does he do that or is that just something that we do no but that's a sin right it is a sin but I don't know if he if he really if for some reason it doesn't seem to me that he is like whispering in someone's ear eat more of that I feel like that one's on us that one's firmly on us oh this fucking devil's making me is he really it was the devil that's when little Christian kids it was so Christian just like try and get out of trouble but I said it was the devil that really makes me laugh yeah love it the devil made me do it I love it yeah I was very scared of the devil when I was a kid yeah me too I was scared terrifying and to this day horror movies I can watch any horror movie but if it has a devil element it will be ten times scarier for me wow even though I don't believe it yeah that's just in there my parents now don't they're still Christian but they don't believe in hell and I think maybe it's because my mum listens to this podcast she'll have to verify it with me but I think I had so many questions about hell as a kid that at some point she went yeah this doesn't make sense it really doesn't I don't believe in that bit anymore you got me your questions are insane at least Catholics have purgatory where you go to hell it's a little mini hell but you can get out of it it's like the admin area isn't it it's like the processing plant when I was a kid I used to think it was more like a sort of waiting room kind of thing yeah that's what I thought it was But it's not.

51:50Is it not? No, you atone for your sins. Oh, I thought it was like a blank room. Nope. That's what I always thought. That's limbo. Oh. Limbo is where the unbaptized babies would go. But limbo sounds so fun. It does sound fun. All the dry babies. But the problem is it's for people who are not baptized. All the unbaptized babies. So dry. But they can't walk. So they can't. If you can't walk, you can't limbo. You can slide under the limbo pretty easily. By accident. I don't think they intentionally are going under the limbo. Well, who's doing that? It's just the devil bowling babies under the limbo.

52:21He shouldn't be allowed in there. It's like Carlin with the boom. They only recently, like, it was Pope Francis said, we're not doing limbo anymore. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah. Well, all the other popes could have shut it down. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like an oversight. Like, oh, oh, shit. Yeah. I forgot about this. Yeah, that's not a thing. Did he say it's not a thing? Or was he like, we've closed that for now? No, he said it's not. There is no limbo. There's never been a limbo. Of course a baby, even unbaptized, would go straight to heaven if there's a heaven. Why would you make a baby hang out?

52:54It's not the baby's fault. But I just like the idea the Pope was like, there was one. Yeah. I've had a word and we've shut it down. Yes, we have ceased operations. The babies are going straight to heaven. Yes. I feel at that point the Pope might as well just say, this is all made up. I think at that point, you've got to just go. probably another 500 years we'll get there we'll dismantle these things one by one 500 years from now there's no hell God wouldn't do that probably another thousand years to say there's no heaven yeah bit by bit but they would still keep the church going yeah for fun for the whole thing yeah what a badass pope that's going to be oh yeah he's like this is all made up and you know what this hat is dumb your main course isn't ending there by the way you got the pork roll, you got the penne pasta with all the stuff, but obviously it's Christmas dinner as well.

53:47So you're getting Bucks fizz, turkey with all the trimmings and then you are playing the pineapple game and you are getting some after eights. What's the pineapple game? Yeah. After eights, of course I know. Yeah, that'll always be your first question. This is a tradition in Alex's house. Oh, only in his house. Great. It's a genuine thing and he sent me a photo of it on Christmas day to prove that it is real where his family get a pineapple and they all look at the pineapple and they have to all guess how many leaves are on the pineapple. And then Alex's father, I believe, plucks all the leaves off one by one and they count how many leaves are on it.

54:22And whoever got it closest wins the pineapple game. As far as I'm aware, there's no prize. Just a bald pineapple, I guess. There's just a bald pineapple at the end and whoever. So you're going to play that with... Who would you like to play the pineapple game with? Yeah. It doesn't have to be your family. Obviously, Martin Luther King Jr. Paul Scheer. Jesus Christ. Leonardo da Vinci, William Shakespeare. Paul Scheer. Who? Paul Scheer. Sure, throw it in there. He was the next name coming anyway, right? In that list of people. In that list? Yeah, yeah. No, I always list them in order. Yeah. Same order every time.

54:59Muzzle Luther King Jr. Gandhi Shakespeare. Mary Magdalene.

55:06How could this game possibly have started? How boring is this family? where they're sitting around, I picture them sitting around in silence. Some neighbor has given them a pineapple. They've never seen one before in their lives. It's the most exotic thing they can imagine. It's sitting on the table. Somebody says, breaks the crushing silence by saying, boy, a lot of leaves. How many leaves would you imagine would be on a pineapple? Come on! But I think it's more than you think. Ten. It's way more than that, I think. It's way more than that? Yeah. Yeah, he sent me a thing. I sent my guests back.

55:46And whatever it was, this was my Christmas. And whatever the answer was, I couldn't believe it. It was so many leaves. If you think it's a sad Christmas playing the pineapple game, imagine spending your Christmas playing the pineapple game by text message. Remotely. I hate to say this, but I am sort of intrigued by it. Yeah, there you go. Now I'm thinking about it. Yeah. And also Alex is obviously obsessed with pineapples anyway. where they feature in Taskmaster a lot. They're very much a sort of recurring motif within the Taskmaster cinematic universe. It's also a symbol in the swingers community.

56:19It is, yeah. Is it a pineapple or an upside-down pineapple? I believe it's an upside-down pineapple. Yes. Because it's 69 in? It means come on in. Yeah, okay. Not because it's 69 in there. Regular pineapple, just letting you know. Oh, there is a prize. There's some stuff going on in here, but not for you. Sorry, there is a prize for the pineapple game. Everyone puts in 20p. but now everyone puts in a pound it's gone up I should hope so yeah yeah yeah that's adorable it's kind of adorable used to be 20 yeah I just think I don't know who looks at a pineapple and goes I'm gonna go I'm gonna go in that room if there's an upside down because it happens on cruise ships a lot right oh you know who does it creeps yeah oh right yeah thank you horny creeps I thought you were gonna name someone then is there any other kind

57:04yeah there you could be horny you can be a creep if you're a creep you're always horny yeah yeah But not all horny people are creeps. Not all horny people are creeps. You're right. I can't imagine someone who's creepy and then being like, I'm not turned on right now. I'm not horny. I'm not interested in you sexually. I would actually say, if there was an orgy going on and there was someone in the middle of the room just hanging out and they're not horny, they are the creep to me. Oh. I'd say, who's that creep? Just standing there eating a pancake or whatever. Well, eating a pancake, yes, that's a creep.

57:39eating a pancake while everybody's having an orgy knife and fork or just just in the hand with the hand like the worst out of the packet yeah pancakes they're just eating a pancake then what are they just are they watching or are they no they're not even bobby it's like they may as well not be an orgy but they're just there hanging out amongst it I would say that's the creep if they're not watching I wouldn't call that a creep I'd say that's a creep while you're doing it I'd say it's more weird it's definitely strange yes But if you're not watching the orgy while you're eating the pancake. I don't think you're a creep.

58:12I don't think you're a creep. Yeah, I think you're mad. You're more perplexing. Like, why are you here? Eccentric. One of the guys having the orgy can shout, hey, don't you hate it when you go to a pancake restaurant and someone builds an orgy around you? That'd be good. That looks like a heckle put. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be a little annoyed if I was in that orgy and that guy took the time to heckle the pancake guy. You've got to mention the pancake guy. I'm like, hey, man, we're doing something here. Be present. Yeah. Be present. I just think I wouldn't want to kind of like, if I went to an orgy, like I wouldn't want to see anyone that I knew.

58:46Oh, no, absolutely. That's why you wear the masks. Yeah. Oh, you gotta wear the masks. Fidelio. I think that having somebody stand there watching makes me think of a sort of lifeguard, which I think would not be a bad idea. On a high chair. Yeah. Just making sure everybody's okay. Yeah. Because you know people are going to try shit that they've never done before. Yeah. They're going to get acrobatic and it's going to end badly. because they're all middle-aged. They are not hot young people. They are all people you don't want to see in an orgy. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's back is gone by the end of that thing.

59:20I love that. An orgy lifeguard. Yeah. Fantastic. Who would you least like to see in an orgy if you're there? Is it the same list? Besides you? Besides me. Is it the same list as the pineapple game? Yes. Leonardo da Vinci. Jesus the Christ. Mahatma Gandhi Mother Teresa Paul Scheer Paul Scheer

59:51Now get this, this is why I was smiling earlier Get this! Side dish A couple of nice and spicy communion wafers Wowee You called it I've never been more disappointed to be right amazing though you predicted communion wafer do you think it's because we both have gaps in our teeth that we are somehow connected psychically maybe I don't know Alex's sort of religious upbringing whether he had a Catholic upbringing as well I don't think he did because he had to ask a lot about what communion wafers were before putting them on well then that's very disrespectful yeah he thinks they if I joke about it it's one thing yeah did you like a communion wafer growing up it was terrible It was so bad.

1:00:37And it was the whole thing surrounding it. What was great about communion was it was a break and it was something new to do instead of just sitting there and listening or kneeling, sitting back down, standing up, whatever. You get up, you get in line and all that. And there's a ceremony. I loved the ceremony of Catholicism. That I really loved. All the robes and everything. Loved all of that. The swinging guy. oh are you kidding me when they break out the incense when they do the holy water all of that the smell is great the smell is great yeah i chase that smell in everything yeah in like cologne soap whatever i'm always trying to find that smell this can i think you can get can yes and i have yeah yeah and let me tell you it's very funny to get on a list of the mailing list of a catholic goods store the things you're very excited about all the feast days and stuff like that yeah All you want is the smell.

1:01:35Yeah. It's St. Thomas Aquinas Day. You know what that means. Savings. I grew up around the time when they were making the transition of you could either have it fed to you in your mouth or you could have it placed in your hand and then you could put it in yourself. So I'd mix it up. I'd do one one week, one the other. But the host itself tasted, it was so bad. And purposely, it's supposed to be bland. it's unleavened bread it's supposed to be a guy's body they don't want to get you into eating human flesh right that's true so imagine if it was delicious yeah next thing you know I bet that guy tastes good too it would get stuck to the roof of your mouth it was really terrible yeah because of the whatever it's you know it's very thin and so it gets stuck there and you weren't supposed to touch it you're not supposed to touch it no because it's holy yeah so you can't like get in there and scrape it off are you not touching something that's in your mouth?

1:02:33I'd say if something's in your mouth, you're touching it. I guess it's touching you. I don't think of my mouth as something that touches things. Yeah. If I said to someone, touch me, and they touch me with the roof of their mouth, I wouldn't be happy about that. Yeah. Hold my hand. But I think it's the same. To me, it's the same difference. Yeah, I know. That doesn't mean you're right. If you're touching something, if you're touching something and that's disrespectful... It's an amazing argument. To me, it's the same difference. but you're not understanding I think this yeah here's what you don't get so listen I think this I know that you pushed back against this earlier but to be clear this is what Ed thinks but is it because it's holy so you can't touch it with your hands yes that was the idea so why is it so why if it's in your mouth is that any more respectful than touching it with your hands because that's the intended purpose that's a good point yeah that wasn't your idea that was their idea I do see what I've done there it's probably when I think about it it's probably they didn't want to see kids you know just picking up yeah yeah I imagine that when you had the you know the weeks where you thought I'd like it put in my mouth it'd be very tempting for the priest to priest do they call it?

1:03:54when you've got a gap in your front teeth I would want to put that wafer in like a slot machine like a coin not something that thin because it would feel you would be afraid that it would like sort of feel like it was cutting you the roof of your mouth if I was the priest I'd be like oh if you were the priest yeah if you were like put it in my mouth yeah yeah I would be so tempted because you're going down the line yeah boring boring boring then the kid with a gap is there yeah I would really want to just put it through yeah and then pull your arm vertically yeah and I spit out like a million hosts yeah your eyes roll around ting ting ting and they'll fall on the floor and it's like no that's what I'd want to do sure priests are so fun they're fun they're fun guys they're whimsical that's what I like about them yeah

1:04:48okay oh you wanted a pint of cold amstel when you had your drink I had one last night did you yeah how was it it was delicious it was your dream yeah I also had a Camden Hells, which I like because they put it in its little Erlenmeyer flask. Yeah. I love that they all have to brand special glasses. It's so funny to me. The Camden Hells glass is crazy. I love it. At first I thought, well, I wanted like the regular pint shape. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I had another one and I was like, I like this actually. But it's too wide. It's so wide. It's like drinking out of like a cat bowl.

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1:06:45Just to be clear, Ed thinks this. To Ed, this is true. To you, it's like that. What you have to understand is to me, that's what it's like. And it is, and I think that. Yeah. I liked it. I was against it at first, but I came around. Alex made this up on the spot, but he has since drunk this. He has had this since. Okay. But he made it up on the podcast. Moll's marinade juice with bread sauce and a glug of Baileys, all mixed together. All mixed together. What's the first ingredient? Malt. Maronade. Maronade. Maronade. You know when you have mussels, and it's like white wine, garlic, and a little bit of cream or butter or something?

1:07:27He wants that, the juice from the bottom of a bowl of mussels, mixed together with bread sauce. Bread sauce? Yeah. What's bread sauce? We would have a roast dinner, and it's like milk, and then you put stale bread in it, and some like cloves maybe and like cook it all right down until it's like this lumpy bread sauce. I've never seen Paul look so sad. I'm going to get a still of this camera because I've never seen Paul look like this. This is a different man. You look like a different man. So even the bread sauce... I should be happy. Yeah. Even the bread sauce is upsetting you as a thing. Well, no, I mean, I'm intrigued by the bread sauce.

1:08:07But certainly not these things together. No, it's crazy. And not to drink. You don't drink a bread sauce, right? Well, when you mix it with the Moulin Mariniere juice. But I'm not going to. Oh, so when we put the selfie on. Well, let's be in the real world for one second. Yeah, yeah, sure. So the bread sauce is a sort of, you put it on top of things, right? Yeah, you would have it at the side of a roast dinner or something, and you'd like dip stuff in it. Yeah, you might have that, and then maybe like some cranberry sauce. It's not something you eat on its own. No, no, no, no. And certainly you don't drink it.

1:08:39No. No one in their vineyard. Yeah. Okay. But Alex wants that with Baileys. You're a fan of Baileys? I have not tasted Baileys in a very long time. In a very, very long time. Well, I'd say it probably tastes the same as the last time you tasted it. I would imagine. Not in this context. No, not in this context. No, it tastes like bread sauce and more marinara juice. Do I want to have a Baileys ever again? Good question. Good question. Do you want to know what I think? Yeah, when's the last time you've had one? It's probably been a few years since I've had a Baileys. I mean, it's not a drink, really, is it?

1:09:08It's like a dessert. Yeah. It's cream. We talked about how much you like cream. It's cream. Maybe nice for after a meal. It is cream. It feels very Christmassy to me. Yeah. Very cozy, you know? Yeah. Like a snowy... It feels more like a home drink than a drink you would have out at a bar or a pub. Yeah. I know if you're having it at a pub, it's like night's over for me. Yeah, just go home. Go home. Yeah, go home. Yeah. And he had this in what? A tankard. A puter tankard. He wanted it in a puter tankard. And that's what he got. That's what... Well... And so he made this happen. Well, I made it happen, really.

1:09:40Aw. So this is a few years ago. I had a pewter tanker engraved for Alex, sent it to Alex, and I'm not joking, it cost me£50 to have that done. Sure. Not joking. And he's not joking about this. This is not funny. They made him the drink. Who made him the drink? Andy Devonshire from Taskmaster. The director. And then filmed it, and then said, I'll get you the video, and he's never sent me the video. Do you think it's that horrific? It was like a Grizzly Man situation. He's like, no one must ever see this. The captain falls down. Then you just say the mug falls down. You must never listen to this.

1:10:21That's all you can hear. The wildest thing about that scene to me is the woman sitting there watching him listen to it with this sort of expectant look like, is it good? No. What does it sound like? Someone getting eaten by a bear? Maybe. This is the very last thing. Just give me a ballpark idea of should I listen to this or not. I'm on the fence about it. I appreciate you offering to listen to it in advance. Is it a yes, oh, so no? Okay. I must never listen to it? Why? There's a lot of slander because people have now transmuted that into he makes her listen to it. I've heard several people say this.

1:11:05That's not what happened. he tells her never to know yes she makes him listen to it my favourite bit of Grizzly Man is when Timothy Treadwell goes nuts about the park service and really dunks on how much he hates the park service those fascists Herzog talks over it, he mutes it and says here Treadwell crosses a line that we will not and he's talking about how it's too much to talk about what he says about the park service is too bad. Yeah. And so he won't cross that line himself. But he's still got the footage going on as he talks over it. And it's Treadwell, like, raising, you know, middle fingers in the air.

1:11:45He does a wanking sign at one point on his actual dick. Like, he mimes wanking himself off and then, like, throwing the cum at the camera. Like, he's got all of that stuff. You will never find out what he said about the Parks Office. Yeah, we will never say this. This is so, so disrespectful visually anyway. we don't know if he changed topics yeah he could have talked about some other stuff or he might have just had a thing where all of his gestures never match up to the sentiment of what he's saying yeah he's like I love the park service man number one they make me feel good

1:12:21I don't know if he does throw it at the cat movie definitely it's choreography they make me feel good that's a gif no I hope you're happy that that gif's going to do that. Don't you dare. They make me feel good with you doing that. What do you think that clap does? It creates a waveform and also a visual marker of something that can be cut out. That's what I think it does. What do you think it doesn't do, James? What do I think it doesn't do? Yeah. I remember what you think is very important. yeah I think it doesn't undo what just happened yeah I know yeah yeah I think Benito am I right Bento Boxo it's also a good marker Ben will be able to find out the exact moment you did that and then we can clip it up straight away makes me feel good before you're back at your hotel today you have to do his too though you have to do Ed's as well yeah and then see see which one is the most popular online people are so used oh the great gif off people are so used to be doing this sort of stuff are they really?

1:13:29yeah for you I think it's look inside you don't you don't look like the sort of guy who do that so that would be a way better gift yeah you know what good point how much of that drink a balance of drink if you had to drink drink it right how much of it do you think you would manage? zero zero I mean I honestly can't I can't see the first ingredient is enough to make me sick. I don't think I could... I think even the smell of it... Have you ever did a medicine or something that you had to take and even just bringing it up to your lips, you're like, oh no. How am I going to get it inside? It's this bad right now.

1:14:16I think I could easily see myself getting sick. It sounds so fucking disgusting. It is. Worst medicine you've ever had? What was it for? What was wrong with you? well I had a colonoscopy recently and the preparation that you have to do is you have to drink this horrible horrible stuff truly the worst thing I've ever tasted in my life yeah and you have to drink a lot of it many times what's it is it to diarrhea you're like flushing everything that's not the worst part the worst part is drinking this yeah the other it's like the rest of it is heaven compared to that yeah yeah yeah they make you drink diarrhea before your colonoscopy is that what you just said no I absolutely didn't say that I'm happy to say that Paul did not say that thank you Paul did not say they made me drink diarrhea before my colonoscopy oh okay you need to be clear about when you're like saying stuff it gives you diarrhea yeah correct yeah but just because it gives you diarrhea doesn't mean it was diarrhea when it went in his mouth yeah okay you just need to be clear about when you're if you eat an egg it doesn't give you an egg

1:15:27and that's ironclad that's ironclad not even a chicken if you give a chicken an egg it does not give the chicken an egg not even those guys no if the chicken has an egg after eating an egg that's a coincidence yeah and they have to say that to their friends yeah this is a coincidence I once saw pigeons in a gutter yes eating fried chicken and it really made me sad yeah it's horrible yeah whenever whenever yeah Yeah, that is so bad. But they're not the same guys, right? They're close. They're close. Come on.

1:16:04Dessert, you wanted a New York cheesecake. Yes, I did. And so did Alex. That's not true. He wanted a Mars bar. He wanted a Mars bar. Just a Mars bar. To eat with a knife and fork? I guess so, maybe. But that's it. Just a Mars bar. Just the Mars bar. No weird add-ons. No weird add-ons. No fish paste on top of that? No. I think it's the only thing that he's actually, you know, properly eaten on the whole menu and had as a thing on its own because that is more reflective of his life, that he would grab a Mars bar on the way to work or something. That's more his thing. Right. How do you feel about the Mars bar within the world of confectionery?

1:16:47the Mars bar I think is the equivalent of our Milky Way bar yes that's true and was always a childhood favorite of mine yeah the number one for me is Reese's Peanut Butter Cups oh yeah absolutely number one with a bullet yeah but Milky Way delicious what do you think of Alex Horn's menu um I'm not a fan um I think you know obviously he's trying to have some fun he's being a little devil and And, you know, I get it. It's comedy. We're having a good time. But he, of course, never dreamed that this was going to come back to haunt someone else, an innocent stranger. Has it affected your opinion of Alex Horne the man and his wider body of work?

1:17:35That's an interesting question. And first of all, let me say it's wonderful to be here today. And I thank you for inviting me. when we consider the effect this could potentially have on my view of Alex Horn the person and what he does professionally I think as a person it keeps him to me unknowable he's hiding behind these joke ingredients and maybe it's because he really doesn't have specific tastes and he's happy to just eat whatever's put in front of him. And so he decides, I guess I should have some fun because I could be embarrassed if I say, I don't know. What do I want at Christmas? Christmas dinner.

1:18:19The same as everybody else. You know? How it affects my opinion of his work, it doesn't. I appreciate his work. And this, to me, is indicative of the way that he likes to work. He likes to be silly. he likes to be a little, I have to say it a third time, a little devil. So it's in keeping with his character that he presents to the world. Behind closed doors? Who can say? Who can say? No one knows the real Alex. Maybe not even his wife and children. They definitely don't. Yeah. You're scared of the devil though. I am scared of the devil. So how do you feel? If he's real. Yeah. If he's not, I'm not.

1:19:04I think that makes sense. yeah if it turns out the devil is real I will be scared of him yes for sure yeah I love the devil say more about that I love heavy metal yeah I love devil iconography the devil himself I love okay this is the part I want you to say more about okay so but I love the music yes and I like pictures stop going through those things I like pictures of the devil you're just saying I like the artwork and I love the devil and who he is and this person Okay. As a person. Yeah. And what is it about him that you love so much and you can't talk about visual images? You can't talk about things connected to him.

1:19:44You can't talk about music. Or things associated with him. You have to talk about him and himself. The devil, his deeds, his empty promises. Well, aren't all promises empty? No. Oh. I like that he's cheeky. He does some bad stuff, sure. Such as? But he's charming. Is he charming? Oh, come on. That's the whole point of the devil. he is charming that's how he gets people to do all the bad stuff isn't the whole thing when the devil comes back he's going to be like a cool guy the double point he goes from this to this I just like him I think he's slick you don't think he's slick that is likeable yeah yeah when somebody's slick I do like that I feel like he'd wink at you and you'd be like oh you oh he'd probably wink all the time yeah that's true he'd double wink so what a wonderful menu you seem to really like it and really enjoyed eating it.

1:20:37So another success. Another success for the boys. Another success for the boys. James and Ed. Sorry. You got a new tattoo there? Not there. Don't worry. You're alright. Okay. Thank God. Ed's got a few new tats. And as I smacked him then, I immediately was like, oh no. And I saw Ed yesterday and he told me that he had some fresh tats and I asked what he got and he did not seem to know. No, he doesn't know. A lot of eyes. Such a lot of eyes. Big mouth. He got the eyeballs. from the substance. Whatever's going on there. And a hand holding survival. With teeth? It's got eyes and teeth. Sort of like a big hand face.

1:21:14Oh, and a little stairway. And a candle coming out. Yeah, and a candle. There's a candle. And a candle. That's a crazy house. Can you imagine living there? What's funny with Ed is that in our group of friends, Ed is always like, he'll make quite a big deal of going like, fucking hell, once again, I'm the only normal one these fucking freaks. And then you look at his arms and you're like, I think the writing is on the wall, my friend. I think you're holding a lot in. This is because I love the devil, though. Yeah, sorry, that normal thing that he loves. I think it's a mistake. To love the devil?

1:21:43Yeah, Ed, I think you're backing the wrong horse.

1:21:49Because he doesn't... I don't think he rewards people very well. Yeah. I think he does if you're on his side. He leads you to believe that. Prince of lies. You're not enough on his side, Ed. Just get the tattoos. But I think a lot of people who call him the Prince of Lies are lying themselves. You see? It's a smear campaign against the devil. We've got to wrap this up. The devil rewards you. We can't keep talking about the devil. Paul, thank you so much for coming back to the Dream Restaurant. Thanks, guys! Thank you, Paul. Nice man. Very nice. Nice man.

1:22:33There we are. What a delight to see Paul. Oh, Paul, thank you so much for swinging by and chatting to us. Yeah. It was lovely. Sometimes when people come over from America, I'd love to be like, hey, let me just take you out on the town. Yeah. We'll go for a meal, but I'm too shy to do that. So we have to record a podcast with them. Yeah, yeah. And it's the only language me and Paul understand. It is. Yeah. That and love. That and love. One of the nicest voices, one of my favourite voices in comedy, my literal voices. love listening to Paul's voice so what a treat for you and his comic voice for the listeners and his comic voice is unique top of the tree top of the tree we love Paul F.

1:23:12Tompkins and we hope that he liked oh I don't think he did like Alex Horne's man you were disgusting no no listen to Spontaneanation and listen to Freedom and all the other brilliant work that Paul does and go on edgamble.co.uk why not yeah see what's on there I'll give you a clue it's a tour yeah fresh out yeah thank you very much goodbye goodbye

1:23:36Thank you.