Lara Ricote

0:00Hello, it's Ed here from the Off Menu podcast that you are listening to right now. You'll know that I'm doing a brand new stand-up comedy show on tour next year, Fresh Hell, and we are delighted to announce that we are doing two more shows at the London Palladium, Friday the 19th of March, Saturday the 20th of March. You've got to come to these shows. They're going to be great. They're on sale now. Edgamble.co.uk for ticket details. Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough. It shows up in the smallest moments. You bite your tongue instead of escalating. You put your phone down instead of firing off that text.

0:37You say what you actually mean instead of what would hurt someone else the most. Nobody applauds those moments, but they quietly change your life. That's what growing feels like. And that's exactly what Grow Therapy is here for. Grow is therapy that works, covered by insurance. Sessions average$21 with insurance and some pay as little as$0 depending on their plan. There are no subscriptions, no long-term commitments. You just pay per session. Grow connects you with thousands of high-quality licensed therapists across the U.S. offering both virtual and in-person sessions, nights and weekends. You can search by what matters, like insurance, specialty, identity, or availability.

1:18And you can book a therapy session in minutes and begin in as little as two days, not the national 48-day average. See if you could pay as little as$0 for therapy in seconds at growtherapy.com slash ACAST. That's growtherapy.com slash ACAST. growtherapy.com slash ACAST. Availability and coverage vary by state and insurance plan.

1:59Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the falafel of conversation, the hummus of humour, the pickled chillies of chat, the general mixed salad of friendship, and wrapping it all up in the flatbread of podcasting.

2:18James Acaster: That is it, Gamble. My name is James Acastle. Together we own a dream restaurant every single week. We invite a guest and ask them their favourite ever. Start a main course dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week the guest is... Lara Cote. Lara is an amazing comic, James. Award winning. A comics comic, but also an audience's comic. The people's comic. Everyone loves Lara's comedy. Also is an actor. An actor. Brand new show, Break Claws. sitcom available on channel 4 now all episodes are available now it's been getting brilliant reviews across the board James yes we'll find out more about it we will we'll find out more about it in the episode of course I would also say Lara's most recent show Inkling was fantastic it's one of my favourite shows I saw at the Fringe yeah she's already done a London run of it but hopefully she'll do more so keep an eye out go and see Lara fingers crossed but here we go even though we love Lara and her comedy we will kick her out of the dream Mastron if she says the secret ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable let's leave a quick pause and if you're watching this or listening to this see if you can guess what it's going to be okay there you go you've got your guess this week the secret ingredient is ricotta it's ricotta sounds a bit like her surname yeah and it'd be really funny to kick someone out for that it's quite a common ingredient and a nice ingredient it's delicious and Italian cuisine very popular with people yeah so it's not out the question that's going to come up and I'd really get a kick out of She'd be a really funny person to kick out Yeah Because I don't think she'd understand what was happening she'd be very funny about it Yeah Yeah Yeah She'd definitely think we were being out of order which we kind of would be Yeah Unquestionably It feels like something that could come up in any of the courses In any course No course is safe No course is safe Sometimes it pops up in dessert doesn't it Yeah Absolutely does I mean I'd say that drink is the only course that it's not going to come up in.

4:19James Acaster: Unless it's a really weird smoothie. Yeah, unless there's a savoury drink on the cards, but there probably isn't. No. Oh, and let's not forget, James, I'm on tour in 2027. The show's called Fresh Hell. Edgamble.co.uk for tickets. I'm doing four shows at the London Palladium in March. Tickets available now. Edgamble.co.uk. Also, everyone should go on YouTube and subscribe. That's a great plug. You've got to go on YouTube. To watch this, for one. Yeah. You can watch this episode. And there's 40 other things plus. At least. Including at Craig Simons Live. That is the channel that everyone should subscribe to.

4:59James Acaster: At Craig Simons Live. If you subscribe to that, I'm hearing that there's some exciting stuff, content going to come to that channel pretty soon. December the 1st. Is when something might be on Craig Simon's Live. Might be. It's very exciting. At Craig Simon's Live. This is the off-menu menu of Lara Cote.

5:34Welcome Lara to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you.

5:37James Acaster: Welcome to Lara Kote to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Is that true? Yeah, ages. Yeah. How long exactly do you think we've been expecting you? Be precise. A year, three months. Wow. That's bang on. Yeah. Bang on. Yeah. That's around the time. A couple of days out, Ed doesn't have the heart to tell you. Really? Yeah. What don't you have the heart to tell me? It's just, you were two days out. It's one year, three months, two days. Okay. We've been expecting you, yeah. Okay, now I guess you have the heart. Yeah. Well, he made me have the heart. Yeah, that's good. It's a friend.

6:13James Acaster: Yeah, he's a good friend. What's the song that starts with the, it's been 10 ,000, 16 days. Oh, I thought you were going to go, it's been one week since, that one. That's One Week by Bare Naked Ladies. Yeah. Bare Naked.

6:32I played that the other night. Me and my wife were just trying to get to sleep and I was like, don't worry. we need to get to sleep I'll put some relaxing music on and I put on One Week by Bare Naked Ladies. What type of speaker system do you have in your room? Just through my phone. Oh yeah I put it on really loud. Okay. In a cup or in your mouth? It was just bare out. That's the worst way to make it sound absolutely. But put it on really loud and then I really laughed at my own joke. Oh yeah because it's not smooth. It's not relaxing at all. Right this is something I need. Yeah yeah yeah know that yeah you would find that relaxing you've not heard the song i've not heard many songs james acaster so you might want to know that from the get-go yeah there are many songs i've not heard pretty much most really i'm getting on it now slowly have you heard are you starting from the beginning sort of josie long is actually sending me a couple the little podcast you make called Welcome to Music Just for me Thanks Wow Yeah actually That is very nice And she's just sending me Different songs That I should listen to I've listened to Ella Fitzgerald right now Great

7:41James Acaster: That's nice Well I'm on that Takes me a while Because I don't want to You don't want to listen To Ella Fitzgerald I don't want to listen To anything Every time I'm listening To music I'm thinking Can I call my mom Can you believe That's the truth It's bad And I don't feel like I should tell anybody About that And I just did So growing up you weren't into music? Yes, yes. No, growing up we would listen to music in the house. I don't know. I'll listen to one song again and again and again. But it kind of needs to settle into me before I can like it. I won't like it just by listening to it once. Is there a song that you really like that is a good example of that?

8:20Seabird, DLS-E Brothers.

8:23James Acaster: I've not heard that. See, I've not heard that. Is this a Josie Long? Seabird, fly home. Sounds like a bad song. Oh, well, it's not. Is this a Josie Long recommendation? Seabird, Seabird, Fly Home. It's actually beautiful. The Alessi Brothers are... Every time I play this song, people go, that's a really beautiful song. People ask me, what song is that? I go, it's Seabird by the Alessi Brothers. So you put it on often when people are like at your house or whatever? I would never put music when people are in my house because I know I'm not equipped. I'm not going to be putting something that anybody wants to listen to.

8:59I only have one song right now. So you just have to put on CBA by the Lessee Brothers on over and over again. But that's the thing, I wouldn't dare put anything. Somebody goes, hey, can we get some music on? I go, that's all in your jurisdiction, man. But you don't mind other people putting on music in your house? Yeah, I don't mind it, no. I think it's good. And I think I should also be going with it as well because I know that music is a powerful thing that many people have fallen in love around. This has blown my mind that you're not a music fan. I can't well imagine having to say something like that to two people that I'm not a music fan it feels awful I don't want that to be have to have anything to do with my personality but yeah it just is true that I haven't had like a sort of deep and constant relationship to it but I'm working on that now and I'm trying to get sort of going yeah I know but this is true I do love lyrics and lyrics for me if I'm at karaoke and I listen to a song for example what's up by four non-blondes this music i almost stuttered but i didn't this lyric is making me cry at the karaoke which particular lyric come on the part where it's like what's going on yeah actually hey what's going on yeah but it also like that you're like the the revolution part the part about the hill great big hill of hope okay yeah i can't really remember all the i can is that what you'd sing at karaoke would you be singing it well i just recently tried it and i couldn't believe what

10:28James Acaster: it was saying the thing about it you were crying at the karaoke well i can cry no problem about that yeah that's moving to me also it's like yeah this is actually what probably music is about but i don't know about that yet i i do have a sense of it being the case when you listen to it you know what i'm talking about well yeah it feels like if you don't mind me saying oh you may be just arrived on earth yesterday that's how you're talking you're talking like i think this is what music is on a fiesta day like maybe you're an alien and you just got here and you're like oh i get what i get what lyrics are they're emotions that's how you're talking about it what's fiesta day right that was my oh i meant yesterday oh did i not say yesterday no you said it feels like you've just arrived here on a fiesta day i'm gonna go ahead and second that i mean it's been recorded so yeah well we both thought you said fiesta day and so did ben it feels like you've just arrived here on a fiesta day no i said you just arrived on earth yesterday on earth oh i yeah on earth yesterday on earth oh you arrived on earth yesterday you've arrived on earth you've arrived on her fiesta day i thought i've never heard that phrase i thought when i said it i was like and i was getting the reaction i was getting i was like have i said something deeply offensive so i was like i've really yes i've really insulted our guest by saying fiesta it's like you've arrived on earth yesterday and then i was talking and you were looking at me like you fucking what mate i said but it's because you thought i said fiesta day yeah and i said i'd never heard this before but also it kind of means party day yeah i thought he was trying to make a connection with you as a spanish speaker you know i mean he thought i was being racist kindness probably it's related to me it's probably because you were got you got here on fiesta day and so you're only just sort of having a relationship to sort of everything being exciting with through music i'm going maybe i'm going like that maybe Well, sorry for the confusion No worries How about your relationship to food?

12:42Thank you

12:43James Acaster: Is food something that like You've always had a good connection with Or is it like music where you're like I don't get why people like this I didn't say that I don't get why people like it Please don't put that on the record You said anyone who likes music is an idiot I didn't say that This has been recorded I didn't say yesterday I did say that I haven't gotten around to it yet And you're trying And I'm trying and I understand that there's a value. And also I said some stuff about people falling in love around it. And I value that. So honestly, I feel pretty, like I've made my case around how I am.

13:16James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Okay, definitely. I'm saying food is definitely something that I have a relationship with. My family is a big time food family. Everybody cares about it a lot. Sometimes if I don't cook for too long, I feel like I'm like dishonoring my family. Really? I actually had that realization the other day. I like like just kind of bought like I don't know one pot meal or whatever the hell maybe for like three days in a row and I had this feeling of like if my family knew I had done this that would be bad you'd be in trouble well they would be like sort of like disgusted by me and then I'd have to deal with that yeah personally so they're cooking all the time your family it's always like the kitchen's always busy kitchen's busy cooking from scratch scratch yeah before we talk more about food I'm just going to put a quick break in the conversation oh here we go a break clause if you will wow that was awesome and smooth thank you so much your sitcom that you're in the channel 4 sitcom break clause why are you putting 4 up?

14:17because it's the 4 of the channels channel 4 channel 4 yeah throw up a quick 4 for us thank you tell us a little bit we had to beg him we had to beg him to put the 4 up yeah

14:29James Acaster: you know I'm famously anti-channel 4 are you? Always have been. I'm on it this year. Oh, well then, I love it. Thank you, James Acaster. James is really trying with Channel 4, but the problem is he arrived on a fiesta day. Yeah, it does get confusing when you arrive on a fiesta day. It's fiesta day, everyone. I'm really, really gutted that that's going to be a recurring thing, because I'd rather the first bit isn't in the podcast. It's the conversation bit. It always goes in the podcast. Why I was confused as well. not just the phrase fiesta day which I'd never heard before but also if I arrived on a fiesta day I'd love music probably music would already be playing no but also that's the thing that made sense about it it feels like you arrived on a fiesta day and now you're going oh there's music around and it has lyrics and it makes me feel stuff we're all going whereas me saying it feels like you arrived on earth yesterday yuck confusing delete tell us a little bit about break clause please that is a show that I'm in it's a rom-com I play the girl it is a story of a couple they live in Leeds that's in the north and they live there for four years they're in love kiss kiss kiss in love intimacy coordinator style stuff then this is me doing a little kiss stuff for the listeners with my fingers and my toes and then they move to London because she has a job he doesn't uh oh he cheats on her the night before they move down they already signed a lease they're going to live together for six months they follow them the cameras they follow them every month for the six months that they live together that's a freaking romcom I'm in it it's very good sounds fantastic It's actually quite lovely and funny.

16:27Yeah. A lot of people from SNL are in it.

16:30James Acaster: Uh-huh. US? Uh-uh. UK. Ooh. It's good. It's good. Yeah, yeah. It's very good. Are you going to host it? Say the honest truth. I don't think anyone's asking me. Yeah, not yet, but... I need to learn how to speak first. Yeah. God, that would be definitely the... You can't put this on live TV. Live TV, this guy's saying things like Fiesta Day when he means yesterday. It's interesting. People start Googling, then you have a sort of... Oh, I have dirt on my pants. I can't see any dirt on your pants. It is dirt. What sort of dirt? Probably food. And that's a wonderful segue. We always start with still a sparkling water.

17:13James Acaster: Do you have a preference? I am, of course, going for the sparkling kind. For me, that's better. And I think it's delicious. And I can't believe it's bad for your teeth. I think a lot of this is conspiracy theory. The teeth stuff. Yeah. I think it's too... The government are saying it's bad for your teeth because if everyone had sparkling water all the time, we'd have too much fun. Probably also they have to take too long to carbonate all of it. Yeah, exactly. It's going to take up too many resources. Do you guys think you're ever going to get those big famous people teeth? Be honest about it. Veneers?

17:43Veneers. No. I don't think so. My mom has them. Really? How big are we talking? Too big. She can't close her mouth that much. she had small ones that we all loved yeah and we all have her small ones yeah and then she got them changed how does that make you feel that you've got the same teeth as your mom and she changed hers well imagine yeah you can fill up the freaking gap you feel betrayed it feels like what the hell yeah um mean hurtful yeah a clear day that she didn't like what we got yeah did she go to Turkey she went to Colombia and she paid a good amount of money and then they fell off during New Year's Eve we had a party in my dad's studio on the stroke of midnight uh uh the meal before this one that's the front the front that's the front on the right yeah the front on the right what we're seeing a really small one just fell out we're seeing one of those really small ones was it they'd been filed down to put so it was tiny little fang yeah but even more like round they become kind of like in some way screws but it's your tooth yeah and we all were like disgusting to look at but it's our mom and it's New Year's Eve such a bad time for it to happen it's a bad time she glued it She super glued it, went to the party, no problem.

19:13She's like that. Then it happened again lots of different times, so I can't even tell it too many stories. Always the same one? Kind of not. Yeah. Kind of different ones. Different ones just falling out. Is it a bad job the person did on it in Colombia then? I mean, I think we could assume. It must be. That doesn't happen to all of them, does it? I don't think it happened to everybody, no. But she got them done again. Even bigger ones over the big ones? Yes, even bigger ones over the big ones. Like a Russian doll situation with the teeth. Yeah, then at least when they fall, it's not like ghost treat to tiny, but a ghost treat to middle.

19:47But still, it's about dissonance anyway, so. Yeah, it's the comparative teeth, isn't it? It's what you can do, you can see that it's not the right one. I think I'd rather get one huge tooth that goes all the way around. And then just slice it in the middle. Or yeah, just draw on it maybe with a Sharpie. Yeah, but imagine, actually, there's probably a reason why we don't just have one huge tooth. Yeah, for eating and stuff, maybe. Yeah, I know, but probably for eating in some specific way that it makes a difference to have separate ones. If not, we would just probably have one. One at the top, one at the bottom.

20:20James Acaster: I don't know. I think it sounds great just having one at the top, one at the bottom. I don't see any drawbacks. Yeah, I guess actually no food would be stuck anywhere. Maybe it would be about it being too painful to grow it all in one. Oh, yeah, that would be bad. And then if you lose a tooth, you're completely fucked, aren't you? I actually think it's probably around that it's like it's so that you can lose them and not be fucked for life am I allowed to curse on this? yeah fuck for life FFL yeah because if you don't have only no tooth in the top only tooth in the bottom and it's one yeah that's bad that's freaking bad I love that your mum's got huge veneers that's fantastic yeah it's funny definitely funny huh?

21:02it's funny at least

21:03James Acaster: they keep pulling out yeah the last time that they fell off was July last year so it's been a while. Do you want then? I think so. But also, would she tell you about all of them? Definitely, it's fun for the whole family. So you always get told if one of her teeth falls out? One time it was just an olive, did it? We were in New York City. We went to Broadway and she only had one missing. Does her teeth only fall out on special occasions? Actually, I mean, I do think that there might be something around the fact that it really shouldn't now. She's having too much of a good time there it goes remember when she's enjoying herself she's a bit more like just shaking her head around loosening everything up you shouldn't not when you've got veneers does having veneers mean that like sparkling water won't affect them in the same way as it affects natural teeth very good return to the sparkling water thank you and I would say probably yes they're probably made of different stuff than teeth are yeah you'd hope so god man yeah I would so would you consider getting veneers so you can drink as much sparkling water as you like no i can't get veneers i can't please please because of what's happened to your mom i just think it's not right to get different teeth than the ones you have unless you have oh my god i have two fake teeth okay i was just remembering that while i said it these two of mine are fake really uh-huh why they fake what happened because my family said to me that i should get this is actually the reason oh because i grew up in miami florida and i had two teeth that were too small okay they were like rice but not cooked okay no you didn't yes they weren't like rice they were like right they were my teeth man i know what they were like that's so small yeah they were like rice but not cooked were there gaps i mean were they cooked or not no because cooked gets a little puff yeah sure okay yeah yeah but even then i would say were there gaps in between them and the teeth next to them so it was like a bit of rice and then just like air yeah yeah don't do that phase about my teeth before please and also and and then the option was either squish everything together or leave the gaps my mom said to me the gaps give you personality so i don't think that that's true i think my personality comes from somewhere else and truth be told i think i still have it and i've got them covered i just got them covered those with my options make them all sort of gaps everywhere or just that's not an option though no making all of the teeth have gaps that's all like rice yeah no no not all like rice all regular how they are to our rice.

23:48Then the rest of them are sort of spread out a bit so that there's not just two big gaps around the rice. So the option was make more gaps? Make more gaps so then it's just like regular.

23:59James Acaster: I don't know if it would be regular. It wouldn't be regular. Just like even. So there's a gap between every single one of your teeth. Yes, in an even I've never seen anyone look like that. That's what they offered me. Unless they've got like seven teeth. No, no. This was you put some sort of thing in your mouth so that all of them get a little bit separate from each other you're right or you cover the two that are too separate from each other with some other teeth yeah and then you just go on business as usual which is obviously what you decided to do you chose the best option yeah yeah because i think if you spread them out the way you're talking about those two would still look like rice yeah yeah the rice it wouldn't be like no one would notice that you have two rice teeth yeah but it can be fine to have rice teeth.

24:43James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, sure. I think that the issue is just like everything pointing at. These teeth are my rice teeth. You know, like the big gap. That's like sort of like rice teeth here. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I definitely know what you're saying. I still don't know if I believe that you had rice teeth. I can show you a photo. Okay. Later. Pop-nums are bread! Pop-nums are bread, Laura Cote! Pop-nums are bread! Okay.

25:09Oh, pop-nums are bread. Yeah, yeah. Oh my god, I didn't know what that was. What you just did. Well, you've worked it out now. Yeah, it took me a second. Bread, definitely for me.

25:21James Acaster: Definitely. Poppadum, come on. Too thin. Too thin? That's your issue with it? I'm not at church. I don't know, I just said that. It's not something I really stand by. I'm not at church. I guess it does have... You're not at church. Yeah, you're not at church. I'm not going to fact check you there. You're definitely not at church. unless you say the podcast studio is your church. Uh-uh. But I was saying I'm not a church as in it's not a wafer. I don't want a wafer. You knew what I was talking about the whole time. Yeah. But then you started talking about the podcast studio being a church, so that's why it got confusing.

25:54James Acaster: This is Benito's church. Is it? Yeah, the church of Benito. He sees this as his church. Yeah. Yeah. And his dojo, he calls it his dojo as well. He does call it his dojo. I don't know what that means. It's where you train if you're doing judo, but he calls it his dojo because this is where he trains all his producer skills. hey that's awesome and dojo is also what David Harbour told Lily Allen he was going to his dojo but that's where he was having all of his affairs and that's where she found the big bag of butt plugs big bag of butt plugs he found yeah how big well what was it there was a shop wasn't it it was I can't remember what it was Dwayne Reed bag full of butt plugs is what she found it's in the songs it's a matter of record right famously didn't hear them of course sorry I'm so sorry to reference music again Josie Long hasn't got around to sending you the butt plug song yet That's usually after Ella Fitzgerald Is she gets sent Lily Ella's song about butt plugs You might quite like it because it's all lyrics That album really I'm interested for sure It's very clear what she's talking about And it's all lyrics I don't need things to be very clear Ed Gamble I just feel like you're so new to music Because of the fiesta day That you maybe don't need any subtext I read poetry okay name one poem wild geese see this is a problem because me and james don't know any poems i actually named a really regular one yeah i don't know mary oliver i can i can quote one line please you do not have to be good you do not have to walk on your knees repenting you only 20 miles or something like that.

27:37You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. I was pretty convinced at the beginning there that you were making that up. Was it? And then at the end, I thought if you just made that up, that's crazy. Beautiful, huh? Soft animal of your body, love what it loves. She has another line that says, joy is not made to be a crumb. I love that one. That one's special because it assumes that somebody made joy and they didn't make it to be a crumb. you know what I'm saying

28:07James Acaster: I find it hard to interpret poems sometimes but I think you've done very well I can do a thing called welcome to poetry for you you're not interested it's very nice to read some poems and sometimes you don't have to understand everything if you let yourself not understand some stuff then you can be really maybe this is good advice for myself around the music stuff just let yourself not understand it I'm always frustrated I'm like what's saying you can like what you like this is what Mary Oliver tells us in that poem so yeah just relax just enjoy what you enjoy I think my issue with poetry is being made to study it at school you did and then like having to go through it and work out the meaning of it and then you're like maybe it's this and they go no no no this is what the meaning of it is they should have never said that to you and it sort of destroys any love for it really who did that?

28:59English teachers Mr Cake Really? Mr. Cake? What? Mr. Cake. Mr. Cake? That was his name.

29:06James Acaster: Yeah. Are you joking? No. Was your English teacher? Yeah. One of them, yeah. Mr. Cake, if you're listening, you shouldn't have done that, man. I have no issue with your name personally. I think it's fun. I think it's fun. Well, get this. Yeah. We had a teacher at our school and he was like, I think he was a maths teacher, but also his other title was Master of Discipline. Guess what his name was? No. Mr. Horny. How did it get spelled? It went to school in a Mr. Men book. It was H-A-W-N-E-Y. H-A-W-N-E-Y. But it was definitely Mr. Horny. Are you kidding? We meant to just treat these things like they're normal.

29:43There's probably a joke there somewhere, huh?

29:46James Acaster: Yeah. Around that type of stuff. Yeah. I think we probably did them all at school, really. That's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. Cake is pretty cool. That's a cool name, isn't it? Yeah. Yeah. And he was a nice man. He should become Dr. Cake. That's even more fun. Or Professor Cake. Professor Cake. Yeah, Dr. Cake sounds evil. Yeah, but that's just because Doctor sounds evil. But that's just because of the way that things are going in the earth, huh? What kind of bread are we talking? I would like some focaccia, please. And I'd like it to be warm. Yeah. Crumb and that focaccia. Do you think that would be joy?

30:21James Acaster: Would it bring you joy? Excuse me. I'm trying to remember what the poem was about crumbs and joy. Joy is not made to be a crumb. Yeah, yeah. but what about a crumb of that focaccia in your dream bread? That's good, actually. That's joy. But that's not enough, is it? The poem falls apart. It's not enough. It's not enough because actually with a crumb of anything, I think only if you were really hungry and hadn't eaten in a long time and then you were just given, you were only allowed to take your tongue out and put one crumb of focaccia on it, then maybe you could feel joy. I think maybe if you've eaten all of the focaccia, so you're like full, you don't really want anymore, but you notice there's some crumbs, then you're like...

30:58But I'm talking one crumb. Yeah, I don't want one crumb. One crumb too small, absolutely. One crumb far too small. Smaller than your teeth. My teeth aren't even that small. Yeah. My sister's teeth are smaller, and those are like the ones that my mom used to have.

31:16James Acaster: Do you think Mr. Cake calls his kids crumbs? Oh, that's awesome. I love that you said that. Thank you. Your dream starter. Uh-huh. Okay, so I have the good think about this. Originally, what I thought was I was going to pick one really good samosa. Like a really good sort of like, you can't even believe how much crisp there is on it, but it's not oily at all. It's kind of fancy, like real delicious. And it's got that tamarind sauce and a little gazpacho. I'm mixing. Then I thought of pear and gorgonzola ravioli. And I thought, that's what I want. Scratch that other stuff I said. and the ravioli I want is I want it to be this sort of you know when the top is sort of like a lint sort of chocolate when there's like a twist like a twist like a little parcel I would like them to be the shape of the chocolate with the top being sort of crinkled like this and then there's a bit of pasta at the top inside pear inside ravioli the cream is sort of white so it's almost like the shape of like a dumpling like a soup dumpling sort of shape but i want some more pasta up at the top but that's as in the crinkle is pasta the crinkle is pasta and the top is more pasta but where does it where is it where is the other pasta bottom yeah but there was stuff on the top how is that more where is that because it's sort of like a little flower at the top okay yeah i think we're saying the same thing so like the crinkle and then it's like it goes up and out a bit more pasta.

32:53Yeah. And then when you cut it, you cut it from the top and you've got pear and you've got ravioli. I mean, and you've got gorgonzola.

33:01James Acaster: Yeah. Wow. You can't have ravioli in the ravioli. You can. That's like your mum having a two for the two. Good. Yeah, that's where it gets confusing. Is this a dish you've invented? No, I've had it. Where did you have it? I had it in a place that's closed down, but it's called Romeos and it's in Miami, Florida. Fantastic. And it used to be on Coral Way and the guy whose name is Romeo. He has a wife called Gloria. They were incredible chefs. They would have a really nice sort of little tiny restaurant. And now you can only find him walking on the bridge. He's doing fine. He's doing it for exercise.

33:39He's doing it for exercise. He doesn't live on the bridge. He lives in a home. And he's got perfume on when you meet him on the bridge. So don't worry about him. He's really special from Ecuador. How often do you see him on the bridge? Well, I don't go to Miami that often anymore, but when I would go, pretty much at least one time on the bridge. I'm walking that bridge with my dad. So he probably thinks that you can be mainly found on the bridge. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not wearing perfumes. He doesn't have a sense of how luscious my life is. It's not that luscious anyways, probably.

34:12James Acaster: Your teeth are probably better than when he last saw you. Yeah, but actually, no, he's seen me throughout. I would go to him every year on my birthday. so there was a birthday that you went back and he was like where's where's the rice teeth gone i don't know that he would have even been looking that far into my mouth how far were your teeth no no i mean just in general in the mouth i don't think he was catching like his guy's busy he's cooking at his restaurant he brings out the plates he says some stuff about them he's not checking about how what size my teeth are if i'm running a restaurant first thing i'm doing is looking in my customer's mouth even the truth goes you're watching the food all the way yeah i don't think you are looking and then remembering next time that you come around you go these teeth got bigger i'm sure of it that's how you run a successful business he probably had a picture of all of his customers mouths up in the kitchen i don't even think that many people well maybe this is true that not that many people went to this restaurant it was very small so he could have had some sort of sense of who was coming in and what their mouth looked like mouth looks like yeah and would you get the perm and gorgonzola ravioli every time honestly he would change it up but i did have this thing there and it got seared into my brain i do think i can make it maybe how many bits of ravioli did you get just a starter four four in a little line in a sort of square was there a sauce with it cream maybe a bit of truffle on it but not aggressive really kind of little a little bit of it yeah like aggressive truffle don't think it's necessary The dogs are doing all that work and all you really need is just a bit.

35:46So this is fresh truffle found by a dog? Yeah. Any particular dog? Probably the long ones. One of the long ones. I don't think they traditionally find truffles, the long ones, but I'd like to see it. I'm talking the long ones, but like long and big, not long and small. With sort of ears like that. I don't know the name of it, obviously, but it's something like they bark a lot and they look for truffles. So not a sausage dog.

36:14James Acaster: Narrowing it down when it comes to dog descriptions. It's got ears and it barks a lot. I never thought that I would be asked about what dog was going to be looking. And I answered as soon as my friend has one of them, he gets scared of his own shadow. Right. And my friend lives in an apartment that's lit like a dentist office because the dog is scared. Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James. Oh, man, Ed, Cozy has everything you need to make your home feel like it has a plan. Do you know what I mean? I know what you mean. Cozy is a wonderful furniture company.

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37:37You're a mucky pup. I'm going to spill stuff everywhere. Is that going to ruin the cosy furniture? No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs, you telling one of your big stories and sloshing a coffee everywhere. Don't worry, you can pop it in the wash. Oh, so you're saying cosy banks every day at home feel like my best day? Absolutely, that's exactly what I'm saying. And with cosy, your home can grow with you, adapting to new spaces, new styles in every era of your life, James. I think it's so hard, especially when you move somewhere new, to immediately make that place feel like yours, that it's been put together well.

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40:34the dream main course so this one was difficult as well yeah so first i thought maybe i would like to have brisket and cornbread but then i thought i'm not gonna say that i would like to have beef because i don't actually want to have beef all like in my restaurant if i'm having to

40:50James Acaster: serve something to the people oh no this is good this is a new angle why so normally what normally people see it as their dream meal so they're just eating the food and that's it and they could be in a restaurant there could be no one else there you see it as you're running this restaurant this is your restaurant that you're opening and you're going to be serving everyone this food yes and actually my whole family's cooking in it oh well we should have this is fantastic well this is my family's restaurant my family each individually has their own dream they want to do something else but they know that this is actually something we're going to be all doing together everybody has sacrificed their own time to be at this restaurant and we're all cooking together and a different family member brings out the meal can i make a request you know in kitchens where like people wear hairnets and stuff yeah can your mom wear one of those around her mouth so that the teeth don't fall in the food yeah yes thank you last thing you want breaking open a pair of gorgonzola ravioli and there's a veneer in there you she would be honestly on the lookout if it fell down, she would need it back.

41:56So I don't think she would serve it up. So you don't actually have to worry about that. If my mom's tooth falls, she's going to be able to tell quickly. She has a tongue. But I think sometimes in the heat of service in the kitchen, things get pretty hectic, right? No, no, there's only 12 people allowed in this restaurant at a time. So nothing is going too intense. Who's head chef? My dad. Yeah. But actually, maybe my mom. They maybe switch it up. Yeah. Maybe we all are head chef for a bit. I don't think that'll work I think it works yeah but we don't know your family dynamics you don't know my family dynamics yeah but you know how a kitchen should be structured so yeah but it switches around so every week new head chef no that won't work it's a new family member is it a new menu is it the whoever is the head chef same menu same menu so you come up with a menu no the whole family has come up with this together well it feels like you're coming up with it is it well this is all stuff my family loves okay okay so this is so the ravioli is a big hit with your whole family Fine.

42:54My dad doesn't want to eat that. We got you. Yes. Fine. My dad is gluten-free, dairy-free. My dad pretty much eats seeds and nuts, but he also eats beef. Yeah. And maybe also he eats fish.

43:10James Acaster: But you don't want to serve beef in the restaurant. No. You're very clear about that. Yeah. I'm not going to serve that. What's the name of the restaurant that your family are running? Ricote. Nice. How did you come up with that? It's Ricote Rivero. It's both my mom and my dad's last name. My mom kept her last name. And it translates as... Ricote actually means really delicious. Does it? Yeah. I wanted it to mean rice something, like rice teeth. That would have been lovely, but people wouldn't understand that unless they listened to this specific episode. That's not a story I'm telling. Yeah, that's fair enough.

43:42I kind of did drop it quite early in this, but that's not something I'm telling people very often.

43:47James Acaster: Really delicious is great though. That's your surname, is really delicious? My surname is that. Rico is delicious. Ricote is like real. Oh, que ricote. Great. Perfect name for a restaurant. Yeah, but then we also have to add my mom's last name in there. And so now it's just kind of confused. Like ricote and then rivero is just nothing. What does your mom's surname mean? It doesn't actually mean something I don't think. You know who else's surname means really delicious? Who? Mr. Cake. In a way, absolutely. And you know who else's surname means really delicious? Mr. Horny, of course. Yeah, Mr. Horny.

44:20my surname means near a castle really a cafter near a castle in what language anglo-saxons

44:28James Acaster: i don't know yeah the old language pretty boring what about yours i think we know i don't actually i mean if i think the derivation of it is it's actually from campbell and they changed it to gamble hmm why so i don't think it's like some guy who loves poker it's like you know that i actually on my way over here was thinking about gambling because i saw a guy come out of a gambling little place like potty, whatever the hell, one of those. And then he came out and then he vaped. And I was like, this guy, he has to be grabbing a grip on his life. Doing a lot of bad stuff one at a time. Take one.

45:00Yeah, you can't come out the gambling place and vape. And then I thought, my grandma gambled like crazy. She loved to gamble. She would do the slot machine for hours and hours, my grandma. And she would smoke Marlboro Reds and she would drink big liters of Coke. I was like, that's so crazy that I come from that. Like, that's like sort of like aggressive, addictive, like blatant sort of, hey, ladies, something's up. You know, obviously, if everything's like that in your life, you've got no problem spending many hours in front of the slot machine. That's not a temptation you ever have to hit the slot.

45:36The slot machine. I'm not feeling anything about that. I think boring, strange, and not interesting. What about the slot machines with like video on them and like they're all themed and you have to hit the different buttons? While you were talking, I zoned out. Well, that happens a lot. No, not yet. That was my first time in this podcast.

46:00James Acaster: Congratulations, bad luckhead. Yeah. I don't care about gambling in that regard. No. Maybe I would care about gambling a bit where like you come up with a scenario and like you put some money down and see if like that will happen and then you wait and see if it happens or like. Like in Guys and Dolls? Like in Guys and Dolls. It's a musical, James. That's a musical. But like in Guys and Dolls, they're like, bet that he can get this date with that lady. Right. But is it weird and like misogynist? Oh, yeah. Right. So maybe not that specific way, but maybe something more like, like, maybe something more like if you, yeah, yeah, something like that, but not specifically about like getting a girl.

46:41James Acaster: Or like in, what's it, never been kissed where like he bets that he can like get this girl look fit for the prom okay like that why are all your bets misogynist no they're not they're just about the girl getting the girl fit that's what you're interested in that's okay yeah yeah i think it's good if you're um if you're straight up about it it's betting on life it's gambling on life yeah yeah it's gambling on life it's sort of like do you think that the dog can run faster than the other one but that's not their job it's not the dog okay so you like the idea of dog racing but but it's like accident it's sort of organic don't make it their job yeah so it's not their job it's not their job but they don't know it's their job the dogs they do know what the dog track no they don't know it's their job they're just chasing that rabbit but they have to that's the only thing they do still don't know your main course actually right my main course is um i actually think this is very nice what i'm about to say yeah i would hope so it's fennel okay you got no no you haven't actually even tried this i have an idea for this podcast as well which is that you send in the thing before and then you have volunteer chef from all the universities and they are cooking the whole time and then while we do the podcast and then we all get to eat together the chef from the university as well okay i mean obviously people in the past have suggested that we actually eat the food no one has no one suggested chefs from university this is making it cheap and also it gives the chef from the university a potential chance to be able to move forward with their dream so it visibilizes them and also their food and maybe they have to put a little sign with their name on it on every meal so we keep saying their name while we eat this one I'm eating from John Carlo and very nice John Carlo this type of stuff where would they cook?

48:36in the kitchen I'm not sure we've got the set up for university chefs this is very small here by the way you guys it's a small room yeah but maybe you could have a kitchen somewhere the problem is you've said a word there that really triggered James and that was fennel yeah but you don't understand about how I want this

48:54James Acaster: I'm coming round to fennel more whoa this is big news yeah yeah if it's done well and it's like quite thin and just like adding a little something to the dish, I quite like it. If it's the main thing in the dish. Hold on then. Because it's not the main thing, but it is like, it's sliced, it's not that thin. It's maybe, what's this in millimeters? From this distance, it looks like nearly a centimeter. I can't really tell. Yeah, something like a centimeter. And then you slice them up, you're caramelizing this. You're letting it sort of sweat in there, in butter. you're leaving it after so you're leaving it kind of like a bed of it you're putting sea bass on top hold on hold on you're putting some more butter salt pepper some spices all right we're talking this spice mix that's in my family that um time this is your family spice mix rosemary sage it's all sort of mixed up yeah good and then you just put a little bit of that and then you put pepper and then you cover it and you let it steam in there yeah then the bottom of the fennel is actually getting quite like almost grilledy uh-huh really nice and then really caramelized really caramelized and then also like it's almost brown it's almost brown yeah but not in a bad way and then you turn it flop the whole thing flop the whole thing so fennel's on top now fennel is on top now what's left on there is some juice stuff in there you're putting butter you're putting what a white wine you're putting capers you're putting a little bit of flour and you're making a little sauce with that that goes on top with some lemon my god this is delicious is this something you cook at home i'm cooking that yeah yeah i mean do you genuinely cook it i know you're cooking it in the restaurant in the restaurant but also like in in your life have you have you cooked this personally i have not cooked it has someone else cooked it for you my father has cooked it many times okay fantastic my sister has also cooked it i've been in the kitchen i wouldn't say that i was doing the cooking at that moment but i know what's going on and i I can do this quite simply as well.

51:14James Acaster: Older sister? Younger sister? Younger. She's a clown. So she's doing clowning? Mm-hmm. Like a clown course? Like she's like... Did you do that as well? Why?

51:29James Acaster: I thought you came from that background. I didn't, no. No? No, I didn't. But I did do some... Improv? Yeah, but I did do some courses in clowning. Yeah, for sure, I have done. But I didn't do the school. I didn't do the school. No, but you've done clowning. I've done workshop it's part of your skill set thank you yeah I've done workshop for sure I believe in them yeah I believe in the clowns for sure for sure I think they're sensitive open willing to change for me two thumbs up all of them well the good ones yeah the other ones evil yeah there's always every industry has them yeah you know clowning's no different it's not immune to it I know but it's sometimes the most sinister of all when you use something so lovely to do something quite nasty for me um sinister insidious nasty depraved is the big for me the bigger kind of like red flag with clowns are the knob out yeah the male male clowns get their knob out yeah well if if like and the earlier that happens in their act the more it's a red flag for me yeah i think that that makes sense i think there's like when it feels like not like it wasn't at all aggressive it's amazing that's an incredible feat like the way the society is and you're able to do that and none of us are feeling freaked out I'm going slow applause absolutely but if you're doing it in a way you're not even checking slow applause is the last thing I'd want if I did that yeah if I'm standing on stage all vulnerable I don't want slow I don't want slow applause if I get my knob out on stage you know what slow applause everyone's going my god no but also slow clap sounds like really special everyone really yeah yeah yeah To me, I mean it entirely like, hey, an incredible feat, which is what I said earlier.

53:12So that's what I think about the clown stuff. My sister's clown. She's a real funny clown. Yeah? Yeah, and she's a really good cook. She'll spend maybe six hours on making meatballs or something. Wow. I can't be bothered that long. But she'll make them very small. Every time you bite, you have a meatball in your mouth. That's funny. That's a way to make a funny meal. Does she make them small because everyone in your family's got quite small teeth? Thank you for asking that. No, you know that my older sister and my dad do not have small teeth. Ah, okay. So it's just... Me, my mom, and my sister.

53:46Yeah, well, you're not your mom anymore, of course. Exactly. Your mom's now like, give me those big meatballs. Yeah. She actually shouldn't have them too big because everything gets quite dangerous. She does have them small. But my sister makes them small for me. it's just like a way to have um a bit of like an intentional relationship to the meatball it's my meatball not anyone's meatball this is my meatball i'm a tiny meatball oh so she makes them specifically small for you for fun yeah but sort of like this i don't get how it's three centimeters what do you say i don't get how it's fun it's fun obviously if you have to have something that different is a little bit fun if it's different it's a little bit fun i see that is fun it's fun because it's not like always.

54:30Yes. You're going, wait a minute, this meatball is small. And then you're cracking up. Yeah, fair enough. Potentially, potentially. I also think small meatballs, if there's more, you get more surface area across all the meatballs and then you get all the nice sort of like brownie, crusty, caramelized bits. I think small meatballs all day long. That sounds nice. Yeah. Me as well, actually. Better than one big meatball. Never one big meatball. That's meatloaf. That's meatloaf. Yeah, or what, that thing where they wrap the meatloaf? What in? Pastry. Oh, Beef Wellington. Beef Wellington. But that's not meatloaf, that's just beef.

55:05James Acaster: That is just beef. It's a cut of beef. And you lived in Amsterdam for a while, right? Thank you. That's the best Beef Wellington I've ever had. In Amsterdam. Ron Gastrobar in Amsterdam. I went there. Yeah. Did you have the Beef Wellington? You missed out? Get this, James loves Ron Gastrobar and loves the Beef Wellington. We talked about it on this podcast a lot. Then we had a discussion with one of our guests about, imagine if they did a Wagyu beef, Beef Wellington. and then I went to Amsterdam I went to Rongastro Bar and they made me my own Wagyu Beef Wellington and I'd never even been there before I'd never talked about it and James didn't get that wow and he went with his tour manager Paul and they definitely they definitely thought Paul was me yeah and Paul got loads of freebies they're like thank you so much for mentioning us so many times on your podcast wow Paul that's a nice day for Paul Paul deserves it Paul deserves the world yeah oh well that's really special.

55:58I sort of meant to say special and some noise came out. That's nice. Thank you, Ron Gattrobar. Thank you so much.

56:12James Acaster: Your dream side dish. Okay, so I'm going. They're potatoes and they're small. They've been boiled. They are now going in a sort of air fryer or broil. And they've had butter on them after they've been boiled. And so they're quite crispy on the outside. They got salt. They also have some of my family's spices, but they go next to this fennel dish, and they are... Can you run us through the spices again? Your family's spices? Sage. Pine. Garlic. Garlic, but it's like small. And then rosemary. This is an ASMR episode. Which I love. James loves ASMR. Do you? You get that. Love it. He's a highly sensitive individual love it so much i was watching one this morning yeah i got up and i was like i'm not ready to get out of bed yet so i'll listen to this guy dimitri what's he up to he does a lot of hand movements but a lot of like hush talking you have to watch it you do have well you don't have to watch it i was just listening to it but you can just watch it without listening it still gives you asmr yeah because the way he's talking is all the 360 stuff it's very relaxing but you have to listen you can't just watch you can just watch actually the top comment on his video today was someone saying reads the comments i always read the comments the only guy reading the asmr comments someone said someone said dimitri yeah they said dimitri i want you to know you are so loved in the deaf community because we love your hand movements still give us asmr tingles which not a lot of ASMRtists achieve.

57:51James Acaster: That was number one comment today. That's incredibly interesting. He's been going a long time, this guy. The deaf community can have ASMR as well. Yeah, for the hand movements. I don't understand that at all. Wow, imagine. Have you ever seen Dimitri though? Uh-uh. The guy's clearly a magician. I will maybe check that out though because I'm hard of hearing and I can't even for one second understand the ASMR stuff at all. There you go, apparently. just the hand movements on their own and it's not like there's loads of different like things that are just visual in ASMR James likes ASMR because it gives him the horn I do not get the horn I'm not Mr.

58:26James Acaster: Horny it's alright to get the horn it's alright to get the horn it's great I love getting the horn but I'm not to ASMR videos it's a bit weird that you watch it before you come and record I wasn't prepping for this I didn't want to get out of bed straight away I want to relax I'm off to go and do off menu I better get the horn no I'm not trying to get the horn before coming here. He has the horn. Oh, great. Oh, great. That's it. Everyone's scared because we've got the horn. No one's safe. When you brought up ASMR, what did you think was going to happen? Yeah, what did you think was going to happen when you brought up ASMR?

59:06Yeah, sorry, it's my fault. I do read the comments always. It feels like a really good opportunity to connect to the global community.

59:12James Acaster: Yeah. And everybody is so funny in the comments. I love the comments on Instagram. Kind of enjoy it more than the videos themselves sometimes. The top ones are always good. God, they're fun. People are cracking me up. If you scroll down too far, it's just... Nasty stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He scrolls down. No, not always. Gives him the horn. Sometimes. I can get the horn from the comments. You can get the horn from the comments. Yeah.

59:41You can. Do you get the horn

59:42James Acaster: from these crispy potatoes? Let's go back to that. Wow, they're nice, these crispy potatoes. It's not even something I'm eternally interested in, but I do think they pair really well with my sea bass. Yeah. Does sound like a nice combination. And I'd have made a sort of Italian style sort of, because I did think of that as well. I thought if I put this beef brisket and cornbread, or my other option was confit canard. Oui. Is that a duck? Uh-huh. With some mashed potatoes. Yeah. That would have been a good choice as well I know Don't I know it But this sea bass sounds lovely The only thing I'm worried about Is it crispy skin On the sea bass I would want that But then the flop There's no crispy skin Then the crispy skin's gone Hasn't it?

1:00:28It's not gonna be there Because of the flop Maybe I can put the So my family's been workshopping And for our restaurant Maybe When we don't do the flop We take it off we do the flop but we take off the fish we do the flop of the fennel so that the top is brown we make that sauce then we add the sea bream really fast after we take the sauce off more butter bream on top

1:00:57James Acaster: sorry I keep saying bream I mean bass what's the difference between a bass and a bream can't tell bass is a classic bass is good stuff I love bass we get it from the Costco Is it called something different in America? Costco. No, Seabass. Seabass. Is it Branzino in America? Or am I getting mixed up? No, I have no idea about that. Look it up, Ben. Hey, Ben, could you please? I think you are right. Branzino. That's right, yeah. Yeah, the Italian name for European Seabass is Branzino. Maybe we'd call it that so that we can sort of put a twist on our restaurant. Yeah, I think so. Where is this restaurant, by the way, in the world?

1:01:34Virtual. I mean, not virtual. Huh? Didn't say that. difficult actually my family lives everywhere we'd all have to somebody would have to give up

1:01:45James Acaster: maybe it's in london is there a place where all your family just like really feels extra bonded extra like this is our place i guess it's miami welcome to miami do you like that song do you like listening to the will smith song miami people are definitely singing that to me all the time i don't know if i've ever listened to it do those lyrics make you cry welcome to miami that's all I know. Bienvenida. Bienvenida Miami. Yeah. I haven't listened. I haven't listened. I don't think it would ever make me cry, that song. Miami is difficult for me. What if you missed Miami and someone sung it at karaoke?

1:02:17Don't miss it. Don't miss it. It's hard for me to want to relate to that place with loving eyes. I'm trying. It's difficult because it's like that. But there are a lot of Latin American people. There are like that part. But then everything else. Yeah. Stinks. Stinks. Yeah. I think this restaurant can be outside of space and time, so it doesn't need to be a fixed location. I think it does have to travel. I think maybe every week when we have a new chef, we go to a new location. Nice. My family is on the run. Oh, wow. For the restaurant. Oh, just for the... They're not literally on the run now. Didn't do a crime.

1:02:56Uh-uh. That's why your mum's changed her teeth, because she's on the run. So if you change your teeth, you can't get caught. I guess there's like... It's like a bit of a disguise, isn't it? Yeah, it is a bit of a disguise. Because the witnesses would be like, I'm pretty sure when they committed the crime, they could shut their mouth. Yeah, it's the first thing you said. You can describe the assailant. They had a closed mouth. They had a closed mouth, yeah. Yeah, no, you can definitely tell it was shiny. These teeth, they glistle. Is that a word? Therapy's biggest impact doesn't show up in some dramatic breakthrough.

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1:04:47Your dream drink. Okay, honestly, everybody's going to say no about this, but I think that it should be gazpacho. I don't care. I don't care. I think it's right.

1:04:57James Acaster: I just want one of those sneezes where I have to hold in. my nose and my brain imploded. You shouldn't do that. Why? You shouldn't hold it in. Because it can give you neuroses. Too late. Oh, feels good. I love it though. I love sneezing. It's so good. But I love doing it when you hold it in. Sneeze or yawn? Which one? I can do both. No, you can only do one in this scenario. Oh, at the same time? No. No. You can only do one forever. So you can either not yawn or not. I'd rather sneeze. Sneeze. I think I'd rather sneeze. But yawning is so nice. It is good, but... I enjoy it. You don't enjoy it? No, I don't really get much out of it.

1:05:39Sneezing's so good. Wow. You can develop a style with sneezing. If you've got loads in a row, you can change up how you do it. I think about my grandma, she would sneeze upward to 14 times. In a row? Yeah. I mean, not in her life. You don't mean she'd sneeze upward? Oh, no. I think she'd sneeze normal style. She's out the top of her head like a whale.

1:05:59James Acaster: Yeah. no but just a lot like back and back and back yeah yeah yeah we couldn't even believe it was still going on this is cracking my family up of course it's rare to hear even more than three in a row I know so 14 my mom will go seven or so wow still a lot but it does it's kind of gotten less and less I'm doing three I'm worried about your mom sneezing and you know why yeah yeah yeah obviously but actually what you're not considering is that they're not loose in there they are only responding to being kind of smacked around by something that she's putting in her mouth. She shouldn't be putting in anything hard.

1:06:32She already knows that.

1:06:35James Acaster: We're going to leave that alone. Got to. So your drink drink is Caspatcha. I don't like that about my mom. We're not the ones who said it's not our fault you said that. Yes, it is your fault. Cut it out. Cut this out of the video. So sorry. Make sure this gets cut. Yeah. Cut this out. Cut this part as well. Is your mom likely to listen to this? No. Who cares? Why not? Don't think she's interested. She doesn't want to listen to you on a podcast? Right. Not really. Not really. They'll watch my show. Yeah. They'll watch my shows and they'll watch my shows live for sure. But podcast, my mom kind of thinks she doesn't speak English.

1:07:18She does, but she has a relationship to herself that she doesn't.

1:07:22James Acaster: Okay, interesting. She wouldn't listen to a podcast in English. Okay. Yeah. Because she's convinced she wouldn't understand it. Yeah, she just thinks like, ah, I can't, no subtitles, I don't know what they're saying. Okay. But then if you ask her to speak with a British accent, she'll say a word like, this is exceptional. You can't even believe she said exceptional. Wow. She can't even believe she said it, but it's only because she's doing British. Isn't that sweet? It's really nice. We only found out about that recently. Her British character knows loads of vocabulary. Incredible vocabulary. Verbose.

1:07:49Yeah. Eloquent.

1:07:52James Acaster: So gazpacho is like, seen as food, I think, more than drink. So this is interesting. Yeah, but you didn't ask for soup and I think gazpacho should be part of it for sure. Because you considered it for your starters. Yeah. But you're going to put it in the drink. I'm going to put it in the drink. Yeah. I only serve one drink. It's gazpacho and water sparkling. So what kind of gazpacho are we talking? Delicious kind. Hmm. Yeah. Definitely with tomatoes. It probably has a garlic in there. Olive oil, really good kind. Yeah. Drizzled on top after. Mm-hmm. Yeah. It's in a cup. Are you putting ice in it?

1:08:25Sorry, it's in a glass. What sort of glass? Square and sort of just as long as it is, a little bit longer than it is wide. You can imagine that? A bit more than you are imagining now. Longer than it is wide. It's getting longer. Yeah, great. So it's actually quite a lot longer than it is wide. A little bit longer than I said earlier. How wide is it? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it's probably wide regular, like you think. Like that. Like a glass, usually. Probably. It is like five inches long and three inches wide. It's a normal glass. Yes. Very normal glass. In that, I will be serving my gazpacho.

1:09:18James Acaster: Yes. And it's tomato, garlic, got some olive oil on there. I've never made this before, but I have had some delicious ones. Oh, yeah. Gazpacho is great. Wow, it's delicious. I always thought that nasty soup should be warm. Then I thought, oh, my God, can I be less rigid in this life? Yeah. Whenever I have gazpacho, I do think, why am I not having this every day? Me too. I actually have one unopened in my fridge right now. I love that they sell it in cartons, like orange juice cartons. Me too. I only found out about that recently because I found out that gazpacho is delicious. So you're on a real gazpacho sort of obsession at the moment.

1:09:48Yeah. I haven't opened that one. It's been in my fridge for a month. so I have a dream to be on this sort of kick but I haven't been home a lot so not yet but I'm about to be I'm supposing why are you supposing? because I have one in my fridge and I'm really excited about it so that's why you're going home you need to spend more time at home because there's gazpacho there I'm actually going on vacation right now so I'm not going to eat it maybe I'll take it now that we're talking about it

1:10:17James Acaster: I think if you don't eat it before you go away I wouldn't eat it when you get back It sounds like it's been there for a month already. But it's closed. It's like completely closed in a package, like kind of like an oat milk thing. Yeah, but I wouldn't eat oat milk after two months in a package. If it's closed. Well, do you read the dates on things? Yes, sometimes. If it's something like gazpacho, I'm not freaked out. That not even has a little bit of egg. No, it's not egg in it, I guess. I don't know. I still would. Okay, I'll give it a check, guys. Don't worry about it. What kind is it? What kind of gazpacho?

1:10:50James Acaster: It's in a carton. Yeah, I mean, what flavor? I can imagine the one it is. It had tomato, for sure. They normally have maybe celery in them as well. Peppino, what's it called? Cucumber. Peppino. Lovely. It has cucumber in it. I checked that. Because I was interested. I'm going, how is this so delicious, this stuff? It's just tomato. But tomato is quite delicious. It is good. With olive oil and salt. Yeah. Are you putting ice in your gazpacho? Some people put ice in their gazpacho. No, I don't think so. Because then it makes it watery. I'm not interested. Correct. Unless you drink it really fast.

1:11:21But also, I don't think you should be pressured with food.

1:11:24James Acaster: Where are you going on holiday? To the woods. The woods? So in the UK? Mm-hmm. I'm just going to the woods. I'm going to a cabin that I found on Airbnb. Okay. The new forest? Could be, yeah. I looked at the forest area that wasn't too far away, and I clicked on one, and I picked one, and I think it looked good. Just you? No, with the guy who I think is my husband. You think? You think he's your husband. You think you are going to end up getting married to this man? Yes. You're in a relationship now? Yes. That's a good start. Thank you. Want to speak about him for a bit? Tell people about him? He's nice.

1:11:57He's a clown. Oh. Stop it. Is he a pants-on clown? He's pants-on. There you go. He's also, he's got a sensitive heart, this guy. Yeah. He's got a good heart. I trust his heart. Yeah. That's good. You've got to trust his heart. You literally do have to. That is very important. This is my private life, by the way, so maybe I'm not saying any more stuff. That's fine. Guys, you're nosy, you're nosy, you're creeping into my privacy.

1:12:24James Acaster: We arrive at your dream dessert. Finally. First thing I thought, tart de ton. Then I thought, well, yes, that's delicious, sure. And I can probably make a delicious one. But what about if I make something so thick you can't even want more than too much of it? What? I didn't know where I was going with that. I didn't know. I would like that on a tea towel. I want t-shirts of that. You can't even remember what exactly it was. You know those live, laugh, love signs? You can't even want too much of it. You know the live, laugh, love things that people have up in their house? I want that. I would just want that.

1:13:01Well, this is what I said, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted to say. I wanted to say more like, it's thick, and you want a couple of bites. You're sharing it with your loved one. You only get one of these. So you're saying that something's so thick that you can't even want too much of it. is what you mean yeah that's what I mean actually I guess it was what I meant yeah it's it's a a cake that my aunt makes I guess it's not cake it's like torta I don't know what it is like my aunt makes it chiti she's a real good cook she's so good but also she served it she goes this is shit everybody's gonna hate this shit and then it's like the most delicious thing you ever had is she working in the restaurant by the way honestly she works at the restaurant as well and she can be head chef for two weeks at a time we love her I would love to go to a restaurant and the head chef comes out and goes this is shit I would really I'd really connect with that I don't think that we should let her talk to the people because she's going to be saying that too much yeah she's always saying like it's dry and probably crunchy in a way you won't want it to be obviously crunchy in a really good way but I do that for to people when I cook for them what's that about because I'm always worried it's bad I've cooked for you before

1:14:12James Acaster: yeah he says it's going to be He made polenta for the first time. Polenta's delicious. He never made it. It was absolutely brilliant. He's there going, sorry about that fucking stupid polenta. What was it about it that you made bad? Just because it was the first time. I think it was the first time, so I didn't know if I'd done it right. He didn't believe it could have been good. He was like, that's... Did you make it crispy on the sides? No, no, no. It was wet. It was wet polenta. I like that. I had that yesterday. You just put a load of butter and cheese in. It's pretty good, isn't it? Delicious.

1:14:39Yeah. God, it's one of the most incredible sides, actually. I like it crispy too crispy's really good and it becomes simple simple to make that crispy simple to make it anyway it says cook it 30 minutes you only need to cook it 5 because that's not even raw it's just corn

1:14:58James Acaster: it's quite crunchy at 5 but with 5 minutes I still don't understand what this dessert is right because I didn't say anything about it yet it's so thick it's so thick the bottom is Maria cookies you know those like they're kind of a biscuit no they're like a milk biscuit I guess oh okay that you put it inside almond milk or oat milk don't care but I don't or dairy milk honestly up to you you make it you wet it yeah and then you put a bunch of them in the bottom of a pan of sorts the one that you would like to have your cake inside of yeah then you you put that all down and then And on top of that, you're going to put four egg yolks.

1:15:42Not on top of that directly. You're doing that on the side. Four egg yolks. And then you're going to put butter in the egg yolks. And then you're going to zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. Then you are going to grab chocolate. Bano Maria. What is that called? Maria bath. Yeah. So you melt a bunch of really dark chocolate. You put condensed milk inside that chocolate. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. You put the egg inside the chocolate. Can I check the zoom, zoom? Yep. Is that just a manual whisk or is that an electric whisk? I'm thinking it's electric because of the way I'm looking at sound.

1:16:14James Acaster: I heard that as a man's name called a manual whisk. Hey. A manual whisk. Yeah, like you heard Fiesta Day when I said it. I thought you genuinely said, is that a manual whisk? A manual whisk. A manual whisk arrived on Fiesta Day. Yeah. Wouldn't he? That's his favorite day. A manual whisk? No. No. Electric whisk. It could be manual though. But you do want this to be quite put together. You don't want to feel any sort of egg yolk stuff in there. So I'm going electric. Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom. It gets really nice. Then you're toasting some almonds on the side. Not too much. You want them toasted.

1:16:54You don't want them burnt. Then you're putting on top of the little cookies. You're putting a layer of this stuff. You're putting the almonds on top. You're putting a layer of the cookies again. A layer of the chocolate. A layer of the almonds. You're putting upwards of four layers of this type of stuff. And then you put it in the fridge. And then you serve it. It sounds delicious. It does sound very nice. It is very nice. Yeah. It's intense. Very rich. Very rich. Thick. Delicious. And you maybe don't, you feel like all my dishes were a bit elegant. And you might be thinking, man, this isn't really elegant.

1:17:33but I think that you have to remember this is a restaurant by a family we love this chocolate cake it's been in our family for at least 10-15 years

1:17:43James Acaster: what's it called? did you just call it chocolate cake? it's actually torta de gala which is my older sister would get this on her birthday all the time and now we ask for it because it's like this is really good why I only reserve for her you're not speaking about her with the same affection you spoke about your younger sister I love her I love her she's really special to me but she does live far away and I I have a lot of affection for her she lives in Los Angeles we're close not a clown photographer funny girl creative family very creative family thank you for saying I think all families are probably creative but no they're not even allowed that's the truth what do your what do your parents do creative stuff yeah my mom's actress my dad's photographer so then that's why that was an electric camera right and there's the three of you then there's the three of us well so everyone's doing creative stuff wow that's pretty cool i mean we were allowed you were encouraged we were encouraged yeah my dad said you go to university that's a bad idea i said i'm gonna study and i'm gonna be a political scientist and i did do that but then i ended up doing stand-up anyways that's pretty cool did you feel a bit gutted when you started doing stamp you're like obviously turns out I'm creative well everybody's creative that's not true yes it is of course it's true no way oh my god Ben's not Ben of course you're creative of course you're creative Ben I bet you're creative you just haven't been allowed you make him sit over there can I read your menu back to you and Elsie yes you would like sparkling water you would like warm focaccia bread you want a pear and gorgonzola ravioli from Romeo's in Miami?

1:19:29James Acaster: Could be. Main course, steamed sea bass with family spice mix, caramelized fennel, capers and lemon. Yes. Side dish, small crispy potatoes with the family spice mix again. Yes. Drink gazpacho. Dessert, your aunt's chocolate, Maria cookie and almond tort. How do you feel about that? I think this could be really interesting. I do think my family will probably change it month per month. I would eat that. Delicious. Especially eat that dessert. Yeah. But all of it, I would eat. Even the Beno stuff. The only thing I'd be worried about is eating dessert, really enjoying it, then reaching for my drink and it's gazpacho.

1:20:02Right, because I'm not going to give you alcohol, Ed Gamble. I don't want alcohol. I'm not going to give you it. I'm not interested in making everybody drunk at my restaurant. That's not why I was saying it. I was worried about... You don't want gazpacho because you want alcohol. No, I don't want... I don't want gazpacho with torta. you would have it already you know it's coming you know you're getting dessert you know you've had gazpacho there you get you do have a bit of a clue about the relationship you're going to be having in the next meal between your drink and the new sort of dessert which you're ordering you go i think that my family would say okay dessert's coming probably time to finish your gazpacho i think that would be kind of mandatory yeah okay people could say hey i'll finish my I can spot you on my own time.

1:20:53You say, hey, I'm sorry. We shouldn't have said that. That could happen as well. Yeah. And I wasn't saying because I want an alcohol. Yeah, yeah, okay.

1:21:05James Acaster: Well, I'll prove that to the court. Didn't sound like you were saying you didn't want alcohol. I'll be going out after this meal. Too thick. You probably need to go home. Because the dessert was too thick. Because it was too thick. And I didn't want too much of it. You might have had a lot because it's so delicious. Yeah, that's the problem with some things. that are too thick. I know. I think you're going to be disappointed with how few people like comment on the thickness of the dessert. I think they'll be loving it but I don't think a lot of them are going to be going this is thick. They'll say it's rich.

1:21:33James Acaster: They'll say rich but I don't think I've never really seen somebody eat a dessert and say this is thick. Maybe that's just in the description to make sure it gets out there. Thick cake. Thick cake. Thick. He wasn't actually. Fantastic teacher. Very nice. Thick with two C's. But didn't you say he forced you to... Yeah, but it's on the curriculum, isn't it? Right. Isn't that tough? You know, I'm just studying the same John Donne poem over and over again. Who? John Donne! I don't know that person. Look him up. Look up The Flea by John Donne. The Flea? Yeah. Okay, I'm interested. Yeah. For me, that's a perfect name for a poem.

1:22:12Yeah. The Flea is a good name for a dog as well. With the the. with what you find out about the flea is you think it's a poem about a flea but it turns out it's about different stuff what type of stuff there's sort of a sexual element to it I think that the flea has two people's don't get horned up only if he whispers it and moves his hands in a certain way I seem to remember there was a sexual element to it but I was young there was a sexual element to everything you know not anymore huh not anymore now it's just fleas isn't it that's a new thing a British thing I'm putting in now

1:22:50James Acaster: isn't it yeah started saying that yeah isn't it well it's been nice seeing you it hasn't been nice having a chat thank you thank you very much for coming to the dream restaurant thank you very much for having me in every which way thank you

1:23:11well there we are James what a wonderful episode wow loved that

1:23:15James Acaster: what a journey What a journey. Learned so much. Yeah. About Lara, her taste in food, her family. Yeah. Her mum's teeth. Her mum's teeth. Didn't say ricotta. No. Could have been in the drink in the end. Could have been. Yeah, it was a gazpacho in the end. Could have been anywhere in the meal, but it wasn't, which I'm very happy about because it was nice to hear Lara's whole meal. Yes. So everyone should watch Break Claws, which is on Channel 4 now, every episode. Every episode's available on Channel 4. stream it on channel 4 great cast great show go watch it absolutely I'm on tour next year fresh hell edgamble.co.uk for tickets especially these four shows at the London Palladium if you're London based or fancy a trip to London edgamble.co.uk subscribe to at Craig Simons Live on YouTube for free exciting stuff coming on at Craig Simons Live Craig Simons at the minute has two videos on there one is him backstage warming up with a Luther Vandross tribute act called Dayton Gray and one is him introducing a Dana Ross tribute act called Gloria Miller onto stage.

1:24:21James Acaster: Both of those videos do not have any views really to speak of. They've been up there for a while but there's not many views of them because no one knows about the channel. He's not been able to promote it. They're all Craig Simons. I'll be subscribing as soon as I finish this. It sounds absolutely amazable. Yeah, great stuff coming to at Craig Simons Live. Thank you very much for listening to Off Menu. We will see you next time with another fantastic guest and more cheeky chat from the boys. Yum, yum, yum.