Andi Osho

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3:10Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the baguette of conversation, scooping out all of the bad vibe bread from the middle, putting in a giant hot dog of humour, and squirting in a big old bit of ketchup of friendship. It's a rollover podcast.

3:29James Acaster: Takes me back. I used to do that. Used to work on the rollover hot dog stand at Wixstead Park. Yeah, takes you back. Takes me back. Yeah. That is it, Gabble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. Every single week we invite a guest. We ask them their favourite ever start, a main course, dessert, side dish and drink in that order. Not in that order. Not in that order. And this week our guest is... Andy Osho. Andy Osho, wonderful actor, writer, comedian. And we came up with Andy, you know? Multifaceted. Yeah, we came up on the stand-up comedy circuit with Andy, absolutely smashing it out the park.

3:59James Acaster: So great to see her now, doing so much acting. Her books, of course. Her new book, Most Wanted, is out now. You can get that. and a new series of Blue Lights that she's in that. She's an actor. Yes. That's out now as well. Police show set in Belfast. iPlayer. Benito loves Blue Lights. He loves Blue Lights. So if you listen to this podcast and you feel like the person you relate to the most is Benito, you've got to watch Blue Lights right now. And enjoy it. Even if you don't relate to Benito, watch it just to get more of an understanding of the kind of guy Benito is. Yeah. If you feel like you're like Benito and you're the bully in the office, then you should watch Blue Lights.

4:37He's a big old bully.

4:38James Acaster: Yeah. Snide. Very snide. Listen, we love Andy Osho but we will kick her out at the dream restaurant if she picks a dish that we seem to be acceptable the secret ingredient. Yes. And this week the secret ingredient is Muller Light Blueberry Lemon Flavour. Greek. Greek. It's a Greek one. Greek Yoghurt. Greek style. Because Blue Light. It's a Blue Light. Blueberry. Blue. Muller Light Light yeah so Blue Light is in there yes somewhere and that's the show she's in Blue Lights yeah so if she says that we got her she's out but she has to say all of that she has to say Muller Light Blueberry Lemon flavour Greek style yeah I'm on tour Ed Gamble Fresh Hell edgamble.co.uk for tickets 2027 UK and Ireland tour what what at Craig Simons live on YouTube make sure you subscribe some great stuff on there.

5:35James Acaster: Maybe some great stuff coming. Here's a James Acaster tribute act. This is the off-menu menu of Andy Osho.

5:50Welcome, Andy, to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Come on! Welcome, Andy Osho, to the Dream Restaurant.

5:55James Acaster: We've been expecting you for some time.

5:57Andi Osho: Excellent. You did say he would shout. Yeah, he's a loud boy. He's not that, but yes. He's a very loud boy. Loud genie we've got over here. And actually that was pretty damn loud. I shouted kaboom at the beginning. I don't normally do that. A different one.

6:13James Acaster: Normally I'm like psh or whatever. I shouted kaboom today for you. I've never heard a genie enter on kaboom. No, I'll tell you the reason. Before you got here, I ate some sushi and I ate some cauliflower that had some like truffle sauce on it. Right. And I did a little bit of a burp just before we started filming. And I kept it in, but I was like, I don't want to do that thing and like blow burp smell all over Ed.

6:43Andi Osho: That's a very high class.

6:45James Acaster: I don't think it would have reached you, Andy, but like, I was like, I still care about this guy after all these years. I don't want to. So I shouted kaboom instead.

6:55Andi Osho: Right. And did that dispel the...

6:57James Acaster: I think it limited, you know, I think going like,

6:59Andi Osho: that's just like

7:00James Acaster: that's a lot yeah is that a top tip

7:03Andi Osho: for dispersing a smelly burp yeah say kaboom shout kaboom yeah because then no one will notice as well it'll be discreet

7:10James Acaster: you shout kaboom at the top of your lungs

7:12Andi Osho: yeah or burp under a kaboom yeah yeah if you're burping and saying kaboom at the same time yeah I think you've just got to own it I think it lends itself to it yeah people didn't know they were going to get this advice did they no this is the great thing about this podcast you know you think it's just going to be about food but then we talk about burps as well. Yeah.

7:30James Acaster: Do you have any advice?

7:30Andi Osho: It's all part of it, isn't it? Advice for the listeners? I said tuned in like it's the 60s. Yeah. I was hoping you guys didn't hear it and I don't think you did, but now I've brought it up. I don't know why I'm bringing up the fact that I use like really old language. Hi. Yes, sorry. You said something.

7:45James Acaster: Do you have any advice for the listeners for their day-to-day lives?

7:49Andi Osho: About burping?

7:49James Acaster: Anything. Oh, it can be about burping actually.

7:52Andi Osho: I don't really. There was a girl in my school who said that her pastor used to say manners as he burped. Is that the... As he burped. As he burped. You go, manners. Is that helpful to anybody?

8:06James Acaster: That's good advice, I think.

8:07Andi Osho: Could it be in the Kaboom wheelhouse? Yeah, yeah, I think so, yeah.

8:10James Acaster: I think it's good if people want to, like, spot the pastors. Right? You know, because they're not always in, like, their outfits or whatever. So if there's, like, a pastor walking around, if you hear someone saying manners while they burped, odds are... Pastor. It's a pastor. Yeah. Man of the cloth. Could get blessed. Will pasta appear on your dream menu? Is there a pasta dish?

8:30Andi Osho: Oh. Right. There isn't. But I love that you did that. I love that you're both in on it. Good segue. Yeah, it's sweet. Pretty cool. If this guy drops classic material like that, I'm going to give him a fist bump every time. Oh, yeah. I mean, do. It needs to be acknowledged.

8:47James Acaster: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But before we get into your actual dream menu, we've got to talk about Blue Lights. New series out. Benito is so excited. Benito loves blue lights. He's a huge blue light. He's not often excited about our guests.

8:59Andi Osho: I'd say it doesn't really happen very often. Right, okay.

9:04James Acaster: He kept coming up and just going, I love blue lights. Is that how he says it? Appreciate you. What can people expect? How much are you allowed to say? Nothing.

9:14Andi Osho: Yeah, like it's on.

9:17James Acaster: Yeah.

9:17Andi Osho: That's it. That's the extent of it. So I think what it says in the publicity stuff is that the recruits are now, I think, two years in, and this is their toughest shift yet. But really, what's remarkable about it is that the rioters somehow have captured the zeitgeist. So we've already seen, I think, episode one, there was these migrant riots, people rioting outside a migrant centre. And coincidentally, that's what was happening in Belfast. And so somehow they've managed, in a couple of seasons, to just capture what's actually going on, just out of coincidence, not because they had seen it and written about it.

9:56Andi Osho: It sort of happened after they had written it. But so there's more of that. And it's also like, how does that impact on the officers that are getting jaded by everything that they're dealing with, but they just can't get a purchase on what's going on. What else can I say? No, but for Sandra, she's Mo McIntosh, for folks watching a person who was present or one of the people that was present when her husband was killed in season one, his trial has come round. So that's what my character's contending with in this season. Those are the things I'm allowed to say.

10:29James Acaster: It's very exciting. I love seeing you in all your acting roles. Now, we started out like, I think I started a bit after you in stand-up, maybe. Maybe like a little bit after. But like, we did a lot of gigs together around London. We did the 99 Club quite a lot. And so I always get really excited. And dare I say it, proud, Andy, whenever I see you on stuff. I love that. I've got to get on the blue lights train with Benito

10:51Andi Osho: you've not seen any of it?

10:52James Acaster: I haven't seen it yet and it's like I get really I'm fairly out the loop of a lot of things yeah there's a lot of time to watch there's so much that I haven't seen that like everyone's seen but like this is right up my street

11:03Andi Osho: oh cool

11:04James Acaster: definitely up my street

11:05Andi Osho: what's the biggest show that everyone's seen that you've not watched at all?

11:09James Acaster: well I'll tell you what I gave up on because I thought it was rubbish Sopranos oh I didn't like it at all oh my god

11:15Andi Osho: I watched go the first episode I remember getting to about 50 minutes and there was still about 8 minutes to go and I was like oh my god when will this end tell me about it

11:23James Acaster: it's like I don't know what people are about

11:25Andi Osho: just put a horse head in the bed and let's be done with it yeah send a message yeah we've seen this done

11:29James Acaster: before we've seen it done better

11:30Andi Osho: is this oh god

11:32James Acaster: I never said all that

11:33Andi Osho: but

11:33James Acaster: it's a work of art it's a work of genius it's an absolute work of genius you think I want to see him talk to his kids no thank you does he he's always trying to bond with his kids I'm just going to fuck drama come on stuff with the ducks come on

11:45Andi Osho: the ducks

11:46James Acaster: yeah the ducks Well, you've seen episode one. It's quite neat.

11:49Andi Osho: I don't remember.

11:50James Acaster: I just didn't enjoy it.

11:51Andi Osho: I'm not saying it's not good, actually. To be fair, I'm definitely not saying it's not good. I just couldn't get into it. Yeah, and that's fair enough. It was a swing and a mess. For me, what I experienced, this isn't what happened, but it just felt like a lot of men menning. Yeah. You know what? I can't deny that. Right, okay. So that is what it is. But I guess at the time, you know, one of the men is in therapy and trying to unpick his man-manningness. Right. So it felt quite sort of progressive at the time in a way. In between hanging out in a strip club. Yeah, it wasn't. Yeah, but the Badabing Club, please.

12:28That wasn't what it was. It has all of those gangster tropes, the mafia tropes, but also it's the family life and it goes deeper than that and it's a bit more of a sort of sideways look at that sort of stuff. I didn't give it a chance. I can't believe I'm here trying to pitch The Sopranos to people. Famously, one of the best TV shows of all time. Yeah, tell it to this room, mate.

12:47Andi Osho: Is it? No, I'm kidding. It comes number one, Andy.

12:52James Acaster: No, it's all right and shrugged his shoulders. So three of us don't give up.

12:55Andi Osho: Isn't The Wire up there? The Wire's up there, sure. It's number one, though? No. They did it recently, I think, like New York Times or something. I think Breaking Bad came number one. Really? But it's all, you know, it's always those three. It's sort of interchangeable. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

13:10James Acaster: Fair enough. Yeah. Not only are you doing loads of great roles in acting, you're also writing books as well. Your latest book, it's already out?

13:20Andi Osho: It is already out. Yeah, it's been out a few months. It's a bit of a change in genre for me because my first two were rom-coms and I really enjoyed that. But The Crime Caper, I don't know why, it just really, I really enjoyed that and I really went with it. I think partly because the book is sort of inspired by, It's about a couple who basically start a crime wave to tank house prices so that they can get on the market. Nice. Obviously. Great. And I was sort of inspired by me trying to buy a place for what ended up being five years. Wow. And yeah, and I was just like, I remember about two years in, not realising that I still had three more years to go and searching, thinking, why does everyone think Walthamstow is so great?

13:59Andi Osho: This is where I was looking. And I was like, yeah, what if, yeah, what if it wasn't so great? What if there was a crime wave? Oh. And it was literally that. And then from there, so I was sort of writing the book alongside going to these, you know, going to all these property viewings. And you'd literally be there and partly in lockdown, people queuing outside. Were you looking for a property at that time? I moved just before lockdown. But those sort of group viewings where you're walking around with like 50 other people. Yeah. All like trying to look around them to get in a room that you want to look in.

14:33It just feels horrible.

14:34Andi Osho: And also pretend that you're not interested in the place as well. just because they get a whiff of that. Playing cool, yeah. So, yeah, so I literally, I think I counted it up. I went to about 98 viewings or something like that in the end. Been gazumped. I've tried to gazump other people and just been at price and all the rest. So even though it was frustrating, all of it was becoming material for the book. That's good, yeah. And then I started thinking like, because when I was looking at the story, I knew what the story was, but I didn't know who it was going to happen to. And then I was realizing that kind of millennials are having a really tough time with housing, not just in terms of just trying to buy, but even renting.

15:10Andi Osho: So I was like, gave all my characters different sort of problems with housing so that I could explore that in a funny way.

15:16James Acaster: Nice. When I was doing like, you know, trying to move house and go around different houses, we went to one place, my partner and I, to view it. And the couple who were just leaving were our friends, Danny and Lucy. And I was like, what the hell? Hi guys. And Danny just went, you're right? And then carried on walking. Like, we're just like,

15:36Andi Osho: no

15:36James Acaster: like he expected to see me oh right just completely completely straight face alright mate yeah you're right then he went and I was like do you not think this is amazing we both live in completely different parts of London and we look at this well he must no I bet he knew you were going to be there he's cribbing on your viewings what the fuck and getting there earlier so he's like where does James like I'm getting in there earlier ooh that is did they get a place in the end I don't I think I don't think they no

16:05Andi Osho: Not talking to him anymore, are you?

16:06James Acaster: No. I can tell. I'm seeing him soon, so I can ask him. Talk to him about it. Have you got a house yet? That was years ago.

16:13Andi Osho: What I took from that is he was trying to game face you. Yeah. That's where I went. Like, he's like, oh, you. Yeah, you're here. That type of energy.

16:21James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. To try and make me feel instantly, like, negative about the space.

16:25Andi Osho: Yes.

16:25James Acaster: And not necessarily.

16:27Andi Osho: Yeah. Also, those group things where you're, like, looking around the house with loads of other people, and then the estate agent stood there like king shit in the middle of it. King shit. And then you've got to be like, oh, I like it. Yes, we could talk more. We should talk more about this maybe. And they're like, yeah, whatever. It's like, no, you're supposed to be the one working to sell me the house. I shouldn't be out there being like, please consider me to fork over my life savings for this house, which I don't even like that much, but I'm just desperate to find somewhere now. Sellers market though, eh?

16:59Andi Osho: Yeah. So they could do what they like. There was an estate agent in Walthamstow who I saw a lot of their properties their viewings right would be two hours or something these two or three hour windows where they would sort of traffic manage people around these properties and that and I remember there was a couple of times where I was just like oh I can't make that Saturday is there any other no no we'll be going to offer on Monday if you really want it you're gonna have to come yeah I flew back from I was filming um I think it was season two of blue lights i want to say the flew back there was a house and i was like this this is going to be the one this is it i mean am i doing this am i really going to fly back for a day i'm doing this so i got a flight went to the property and it was that classic thing the traffic managing everybody all over the place and i was just like i can't believe this i don't want it i don't want this house i've just flown like an hour back from from belfast anyways so i was no problem I only live up the road I'll just go and get a few bits and then I'll get back to I'll go back to Belfast so I went went home got some bits went to the airport and it was it was locked it was shut I've never seen a shut airport before it was city airport and I was like how can the airport be locked I'm on to the wrong fucking airport oh yeah so I had to buy another ticket so that viewing selling the airport that's what I was thinking that's true I had to buy like it cost me like 200 quid to go and see this property that I didn't even want

18:23James Acaster: absolute disaster

18:24Andi Osho: yeah a little bit

18:27James Acaster: we always start with still a spark in water do you have a preference Andy?

18:31Andi Osho: yes shall I tell you what I do? with the help of the proceedings and just moving forward as well when we ask you what do you like you can say it out loud say the thing feel free don't feel forced into either no I don't I don't feel any pressure I think I just needed that permission do you know what I mean? in the first instance granted

18:50James Acaster: permission granted

18:52Andi Osho: yes I do it's sparkling very much.

18:55James Acaster: Yeah, very much.

18:56Andi Osho: Very much so, yeah.

18:58James Acaster: How long has this been the case for?

18:59Andi Osho: Now, here's the thing. So I stopped drinking alcohol about two years ago. So there's not really any other drink that really works, especially if you're in a nice restaurant. Do you know what I mean? Like just orange juice, like doing a Phil Mitchell. It's not quite the same. Is that Phil Mitchell did orange juice? I don't know why. He stopped drinking alcohol and then like in his sentence, he went, oh, orange juice. It was always orange juice, wasn't it? like there was nothing else. Clear as day, I know exactly what you're talking about there. You'd always be in the Queen Vic having an orange juice and that was supposed to be like, Phil Mitchell's an alcoholic.

19:32That's why he's like,

19:33James Acaster: orange juice, please. You're all right, Phil,

19:35Andi Osho: you don't have any beer today.

19:37James Acaster: Maybe that's the biggest show that I've not seen that everyone's seen.

19:39Andi Osho: You've not seen EastEnders?

19:41James Acaster: I've not seen a full episode of EastEnders ever. Yeah. Because my parents were like, can't watch that. They're all nasty to each other.

19:48Andi Osho: They are a bit. Yeah.

19:49James Acaster: They're not very nice to each other. We don't want you to start speaking to people like that. So I wasn't allowed to watch it. And that's why you banned yourself from watching The Sopranos as well, isn't it? Yes.

19:58Andi Osho: So when people say things like, you're not my real mother, you don't know what they're talking about.

20:02James Acaster: No, I'm like, oh, that's a shame.

20:04Andi Osho: Right, yeah.

20:06James Acaster: Were you allowed Corrie? No, absolutely not. They're nice of you. When I went around my aunties, if I went around my aunties on a Friday, I could sneakily watch Corrie, but I didn't know what was going on.

20:15Andi Osho: Such complex plotting. They don't do previously. I don't know who any of these people are.

20:19James Acaster: I don't know what's going on. They're all very upset. Yeah. But yeah, I didn't really know.

20:23Andi Osho: But like a lot of these folks are in the zeitgeist. Like you must, you know, tune into Corrie and see a lady with big glasses and know that that's Deirdre.

20:30James Acaster: I know Deirdre. Yeah. Curly.

20:32Andi Osho: I mean, they're dead now, but like, yeah. Curly.

20:35James Acaster: Curly, is that right?

20:36Andi Osho: Yes, that's correct. Curly what Curly wants.

20:38James Acaster: I know that about Corrie. And I love the theme tune. I think it's a work of... It is. It's beautiful. It's a beautiful theme tune. Yeah. EastEnders, I'd know the Mitchell brothers. I know the Mitchell brothers. I know Doc Cotton Barbara Windsor Peggy

20:54Andi Osho: yeah I like that you go between the Queen Vic the character's names Queen Vic yeah I do know

21:00James Acaster: Cat Slater I'm not your mum whatever yes I'm not your mum she's like I am yeah I think I think that's all I'd be able to really oh Wellard the dog

21:16Andi Osho: wow

21:18James Acaster: whose dog is Wellard Dean Gaffney

21:22Andi Osho: it's his actual dog yeah he just brought it in yeah that dog's got something

21:28James Acaster: oh and I like obviously Patsy Palmer and all that Bianca yeah that's the same woman yeah um Martin McCutcheon yeah Tiffany Tiffany I wouldn't have got that look at you Ricky oh I used to watch it back in the day yeah I was allowed in my house I know Ricky yeah Ricky yeah that's it that's a lot That's where it ends, but that's all I know. I don't know any storylines, really. I think you do. Yeah.

21:54Andi Osho: With all that, you've got to know what's going on with them as well.

21:56James Acaster: I think you do, James. I know that at one point... I think you're being coy. At one point, the Queen Vic burnt down, but I only know that because someone told me... Who told me that? Somebody was in it.

22:07Andi Osho: Oh, yeah? Yeah. Do you know about the Den and Angie divorce?

22:12James Acaster: No.

22:13Andi Osho: Really?

22:14James Acaster: Dirty Den. I know him. I saw him on the street once again some milk.

22:20James Acaster: It is a dressing gown and slippers.

22:22Andi Osho: Really?

22:23James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. He lived around the corner from Milton Jones. I went to school with his son. Oh, claim to fame. There you go. One-upped me immediately. Just like that. Tell me about your story, like the Den storyline.

22:35Andi Osho: Oh God, what was it? Was he having an affair? This is slightly before I was watching it, but I know the Christmas Day thing. Yes, he was having an affair with somebody and I can't remember why she was significant. Maybe just because she was the other woman. there would have been that was it Michelle was it Michelle Fowler oh yes I think you're right I think it might be Michelle Fowler Susan Tully and I think Angie had pretended that she was having she had cancer and then he found out that she was lying and basically he served her divorce papers on Christmas Day yeah and that's like the biggest TV audience has ever been in the UK yeah I think the only thing bigger is like England in the semifinals of the like Italia 90 or something like that still to this day

23:18James Acaster: that's the biggest it's crazy

23:20Andi Osho: yeah it's massive people watching on Christmas day when you're serving the divorce papers

23:23James Acaster: for pretending to have cancer it's massive yeah yeah yeah wow popadoms or bread popadoms or bread Andy I'll show popadoms or bread

23:29Andi Osho: I think that restaurants should start asking that question because everyone who like who said popadoms for their menu plenty of people have they yeah quite a few people for a while and it fits in with everything that they nah not really but then we also like some people want their whole menu to fit together as a dream menu but then some people are like just bring me all the things I like it doesn't matter if it fits together God now you put it like that because I was going to go bread but I absolutely love poppadoms so I feel like oh my god I'm surprising myself poppadoms oh

24:01James Acaster: fantastic I didn't expect that went from saying who would ever say that to saying it

24:06Andi Osho: I know because I you know when I think about poppadoms there's only love yeah I mean I do love bread but I just oh the dipping stuff and I actually want them to leave the dipping stuff but I feel like I don't want them to think I'm some pig who can't distinguish between the delicate nibbles and whatever comes next. This is your dream restaurant, Andy. Oh, then leave the sauces as well, please. You will do not need to populate it with a staff of a restaurant in your dream restaurant that will think you are a pig for keeping the dipping sauces. We got a real pig out there tonight. Yeah, she's imagined me.

24:39I think she's a pig. She's a pig. She imagined me. I don't respect her.

24:43Andi Osho: I can keep the dipping sauces? You can keep the dipping sauces. And they won't judge me because it's my dream restaurant. It's your dream restaurant unless it's your dream to be judged which I'm assuming it isn't because you're a normal human being. No, it's not. It's not my dream, no. So yeah, you keep the dipping sauces. They'll love it actually. They'll love it. Okay, all right. But take the lime thing. Oh yeah. Yeah, they can take that one. Never really got on with it. Send that over to me.

25:05James Acaster: Yeah. I'll shop that. Yeah? I love it. Love the lime pickle.

25:08Andi Osho: Sometimes it works but sometimes it just feels like it's hit and miss. They're all different I feel. And yeah, there's been many a time where it's just too too much yeah but the is it writer is that one I think so yeah writer and the mango one and do you want the raw do you want the raw onion one oh no you can take that back send that to me send that serious raw onions yeah big time really well the poppadoms I'm like I'm piling it all of the dips onto one shard and it's going in and the raw onion is a lovely little pop amongst the sweetness of the mango chucks you've been shouting kaboom quite a lot yeah no doubt is kaboomarama when I'm having a curry.

25:46Yeah, I can imagine.

25:48Andi Osho: When you have the poppadoms, are you a top in the middle or are you like snapping little bits around the edge? Well, I would normally, if I'm having a curry with people, I'll take a whole poppadom for myself. I won't do the whole plate. Take a poppadom and I will tap in the middle. Let Andy respond to that before you carry on with the lesson. You take like a whole one for yourself? A whole poppadom, yeah. Onto your? Onto my little side plate. Is that crazy? It's maverick. I've never seen it before. I've never seen it done. It's all I've ever seen because I've never watched anyone have a curry that I'm not involved in.

26:24Andi Osho: So you've not seen what the other people are doing? I've seen it through my eyes, me doing it. All right, but what are the other people at your table doing? Or you're too into your popadom to notice what everyone else is doing? I'm not a creep. I'm not watching what they're doing. So your head is literally down, like just... Yeah, and then I lift the popadom up and I can't see what they're doing because it completely covers my field of vision. Right. He's eating through it. Right. So you sort of eat a little hamster hole in the middle. Yeah, I eat everything apart from the bits covering my eyes, so I've got no idea what's going on.

26:52So they're floating. Yeah. You're wearing those like Morpheus.

26:59Yeah.

27:00Andi Osho: How do you eat them?

27:03James Acaster: Yeah, I want someone to smash the pile.

27:06Andi Osho: But you won't do it. I'll do it if the group trusts me. Yeah?

27:11James Acaster: it's a responsibility isn't it yeah i'll smack it in the middle i mean we spoke about it so much on the podcast that my my mum listens to like every episode and tim key um saying shall i be mother and then smashing it right so now uh my mum when it when we go out as a family does say

27:30Andi Osho: shall i be mother and then smashes it with her hand and gets in there for and my dad does not like her doing that oh um what does he want to have happen he wants there to be no fun around

27:40James Acaster: with it. He's like, people can smash it with their hand, that's fine, but don't do a, let's not do a joke, let's not get carried away and enjoy our time together as a family. Yeah. So like, yeah, he doesn't like that mum's doing a little joke.

27:52Andi Osho: Yeah.

27:52James Acaster: But obviously the rest of us love it.

27:54Andi Osho: And I probably love the fact that dad doesn't love it so much. Yeah, even better, even better that he's

27:59James Acaster: kind of there going like, I don't know what's that's referenced to it as one of James' things. But it's, yeah. It's something to do

28:04Andi Osho: with comedy or something.

28:05James Acaster: Yeah, he's supportive, he is supportive, But he doesn't like it when he's not in on the joke. Okay. I just think if there's four of you, then you should get a poppadom each.

28:13Andi Osho: But what if there's three? Do you still take one? If there's four people, three poppadoms, what do you do? Well, I will never be in that situation because if there's four people, I'm ordering four poppadoms. You can't say the number. Oh, you can. Can you? Can you? Yeah, yeah, you can. You can go, I'll have five poppadoms. I'll have six poppadoms. Is this real?

28:35James Acaster: Any other examples you want to throw at this?

28:37Andi Osho: what about say seven yeah say seven no i i'm sorry i'm this is brand new information because i thought they go poppadoms for the table i thought they just meant um a generic number of poppadoms and it's the same every table whether there's eight of you or you can ask for as many poppadoms as you want give them a specific number you can say so when you order you say oh there's four of you you say i'll have can we get four poppadoms yeah yeah and then and And then I'll take mine. And then I will. I'll still have the fun of cracking and crushing. Yeah. But on my individual poppadum. And then no matter which way it cracks and crushes, I know I'm getting all the bits.

29:14Andi Osho: This makes sense. That's why you take ownership of said poppadum. Because you have asked for it. So that everyone has one each. That's what it is.

29:25James Acaster: And these people, the rest of the people, they can... Did you know this about the numbers? Yes, I knew you could ask for however many poppadums it was.

29:30Andi Osho: Did you know this? So you'll say a number to them? Yeah, and Ben Willard are more than there are people. And Ben, are you cracking the whole pile or are you taking an individual? No, he's not cracking. He breaks the bits off. So you consider one to be yours, but you don't mind which of the poppadoms it comes from. Why are we talking to me?

29:46James Acaster: I think Andy doesn't trust that... I kind of do. Ed and I have like... I think Andy trusts you more at this point. You're like the voice of the people.

29:57Andi Osho: That's what it is. No, I just... I mean, it's a good question. How do you keep track?

30:02James Acaster: How do you keep track of who's had what? oh, I answered that. Most people don't need to do that. Most people don't mind who's had what. But how do you know you've had a whole one? Oh, again, so most people don't care if they've had it. It's just about how they feel if they feel like, oh, I've had enough pop. Well, that's bullshit because no one's ever had enough poppadum. No. Yeah. So out of all food, poppadum is the one where you're not going to be like, oh, I'm full now, thank you very much. I guess when the starters come along or the curry, you know you can stop eating they do

30:35Andi Osho: in the restaurants they do tend to take ownership of the transition between like poppadom and starter don't they they're not waiting for you to finish the poppadoms before bringing the starter and they because they put you in the position no no no we'd like to you know or whatever you know because some people keep their poppadom and crumble it up on top of their curry who? do you mean you? no not me because I've eaten my whole poppadom before the starters are coming I think it was even

30:57James Acaster: supposed to do that is that right? have we been told that before on the podcast? I don't know I think there's no supposed to be wrong. We've been told so many things.

31:04Andi Osho: Yeah, yeah.

31:05James Acaster: I don't know what's real, what isn't, what Ed made up for a joke.

31:08Andi Osho: But this is real, about the number of poppadoms.

31:10James Acaster: Yeah, it's weird that that is the thing that you can't get past. You accepted that Ed was eating everything but the bits that cover his eyes. But the fact that you can... I'm quite enjoying that. The fact that in a restaurant, you can pick the number of poppadoms.

31:23Andi Osho: I just never thought of it. Do you know what I mean? It's just not occurred to me. I just, I thought it was, I didn't know that there was, I didn't see them as singular things. I just saw them as some.

31:33James Acaster: Yeah.

31:33Andi Osho: Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Let's have some poppadoms. Poppadoms for the table. They bring some. They've just got them all in a drawer.

31:42James Acaster: I find it more common now that the waiter will say like one each or whatever. Or they might be like... Never heard that. Spicy? Yes. They might be like spicy or plain.

31:52Andi Osho: Which one are you? I'll get spicy if there's a choice. You know, I'd rather have both, to be honest. I hear you. Plain every time. Yeah. I just love it. Same. What about supermarket poppadoms? Are you into those at all? Yeah, I'd say I'm into them. Yeah? Yeah. I think they do the job at home, right?

32:11James Acaster: No, I'm not into it. I get them wrong every time. I like the little mini ones in the bags that are already done. They're like crisps. Oh, are you talking about from scratch ones?

32:22Andi Osho: No, no. I was thinking of ones that are already done. There's one that you can get that you can cook at home. How do you cook a poppadom? do you fry it I think you put it in the microwave well that's already done then that's cookie that's proper cookie are they Sharwood's ones where they're in that packet and you're like that's exactly what I'm thinking yeah yeah they're nice they're just the same a lot of these restaurants are just buying them in anyway so it's like I think there's a crispiness that comes with having them fresh in a restaurant yeah yeah they're warming them up they're crisping them up and sometimes they do keep them in a hot drawer they really do it's a popadum drawer yeah yeah yeah you can get them like you can order how many you want and they give them in a drawer I'm learning so much yeah I might get I might get one of those in my house a popadum drawer popadum drawer yeah it's like the drawer have you ever stayed in a double tree hotel yeah yes where they give you a cookie when you check in do they yeah no I didn't I don't know if I got a cookie

33:20James Acaster: sorry but there are some that they put it in okay wait I'm starting to doubt that do you leave your house ever? I mean, this is like... Yeah, you.

33:33Andi Osho: Well, not every hotel gives you cookies.

33:36James Acaster: No, you don't know that... You can order as many poplips as you want.

33:40Andi Osho: That is a really specific thing to use.

33:42James Acaster: And you don't know that DoubleTree and Hilton does the cookie. Everyone knows about the cookie at DoubleTree.

33:46Andi Osho: No, I didn't. Like an actual, like a big...

33:48James Acaster: Or are you talking about like just a biscuit in a... Oh, how about this?

33:52Andi Osho: How about the best cookie in the world? That's what they give you. It's amazing. And they keep that in a warm drawer behind receptions. You would love it, Andy. Oh, in which case, either I haven't stayed at a DoubleTree, I've forgotten that I've stayed at a DoubleTree, or I've forgotten the cookie. You wouldn't have forgotten the cookie.

34:06James Acaster: No way, no how. It's got chocolate chips and nuts in it. It's warm and gooey.

34:11Andi Osho: The fact that it's warm.

34:13James Acaster: Yeah.

34:14Andi Osho: They're not sitting on it or something weird like that, though. It's a drawer. There's a magic drawer. There's a magic drawer.

34:19James Acaster: My partner once fancied another one, and she was like, can you go down and ask for another one for me? I was like, can you not get it? because like I'm just going to look like we've both had both had one if you want to have another one it's not normal to ask for another one at Double Tree this is like a poppadom situation is it sort of like a bad etiquette or something

34:36Andi Osho: yeah you can't it's greedy because it's free because it's free cookie

34:39James Acaster: can I have another free cookie please yeah but I did I went down there's a queue I had to say my girlfriend would like another cookie it's not for me dropped her in it she wants to eat another cookie under the bus and they gave me a little smirk I was like yeah there you go I was like it is really not for me yeah Did they give you two? Well, yeah. No, I may have eaten hers on the way up in the lift. And then sent her down to get one to you. Not the whole thing. Yeah, yeah.

35:05Andi Osho: Wow. Get me a cookie. I should have done that. What I don't want you doing, Andy, is getting mixed up between the Doubletree cookie and the Poppadoms, checking into a Doubletree and saying, can I have four cookies, please? Yeah, yeah. One for each of us. I went on a podcast and they told me we can order as many as we want. I will be quoting you. Ed Gamble said it was fine. I don't know why you're kicking me out.

35:25James Acaster: I love the DoubleTree. I'm quite excited. Can you do us a favour, Andy? Can you make sure you stay at a DoubleTree soon and get the cookie in film?

35:34Andi Osho: Yeah.

35:35James Acaster: Maybe like an internet video. I absolutely will. Someone trying the DoubleTree cookie for the first time, really going into detail about it, describing it, taking the bite.

35:44Andi Osho: Listen, say less. I'm on it. Today's episode of the Off Menu Podcast is sponsored by Cozy, the home of possibilities, James.

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36:30And the meal, James, doesn't necessarily end at dessert. We've often talked about wanting to take our maybe final course through to a comfy room, and I think this is where Cozy can really come in handy. Go and relax on the sofa, maybe even eat your meal at a lovely, beautiful cosy table, linger a little bit, move through with coffees and dessert to a lovely couch. But I know what you're like, James. You're a mucky pup. I'm going to spill stuff everywhere. Is that going to ruin the cosy furniture? No, don't worry about that, James, because it's highly washable, James. It's sauce, wine, sparkling water, dessert crumbs.

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40:33James Acaster: Your dream starter. That's probably the cookie.

40:37Andi Osho: A double treat. Dream starter. So I'm drawing on the heritage here because there is an amazing restaurant called Chishuru in Fitzrovia. It's the first black woman to get a Michelin star. And so I took my mum there. and she makes, she sort of draws on Nigerian cuisine, but she's put a sort of modern twist on it. And she did this thing that I've loved since I was a kid called moi moi, which is, it's kind of like a bean. It doesn't sound yum, but it's like a bean paste that you put into, traditionally it's put into folded leaves and then you basically steam it and it goes kind of solid. You put like, you could put some sort of protein in there.

41:20Andi Osho: So maybe a boiled egg or a bit of fish or something like that. And so when you eat it, there's this little surprise of whatever the thing is that they've put in there. Hopefully it is food. Not like, I don't know, 50p or something like that. That would be a surprise though. Yeah. But it's just delicious. And then on top of that, eating it in a Michelin-style restaurant. So she uses cured stout. So she flavours it with cured stout and then it comes with a confit egg, a confit yolk. And it's just amazing. I mean, the whole menu that we had at this restaurant was incredible. But that I'm going to put as my starter because it's a little bit of my childhood, a little bit of Nigeria, but it's also, you know, it's just fine dining as well.

42:06I've been there. Have you? Absolutely loved it. I don't think that was on the menu when I was there because I think I would remember that. But that restaurant is top, top quality. It's so good. I've not heard of it. Sounds great.

42:16Andi Osho: Well, she only turned to cooking, I think, in like 2019 or something like that. and she had a little unit in Brixton Village. That was kind of like a pop-up, I guess. And then she moved to Fitzrovia and opened the restaurant then and she got her Michelin star. It's such a great experience. Yeah, it's really lovely. And she was there the night that me and my mum were, which was so lovely. And she said, one of her staff said she never does photos with people, but we asked her and she came out and did a photo with us. And when we were taking the photo, my mum was like, because my mum was like, the food is very good, but it's not traditional, traditional.

42:57Andi Osho: I was like, mum, you can't say that to a Michelin chef. My gosh, it's not traditional, traditional. And she was so gracious. She was like, thank you, mum. Thank you, thank you.

43:07James Acaster: So was that food at that restaurant quite nostalgic, even though it wasn't traditional, traditional? Did it still take you back?

43:13Andi Osho: Yeah, because it's kind of like, this is a bit left field, but like there's a reimagining of Vivaldi's Four Seasons that's so beautiful. And like when you hear it, you hear Four Seasons in it, but you also hear the magic of what someone's created by reimagining it. And it's sort of like that with the food. It was kind of like, yes, I recognize these flavors, but they're all slightly different. And so they're nostalgic, but they're new at the same time, which is obviously like a really novel experience. So yeah, I'm so glad that we got to go there because, you know, African cuisine hasn't quite got the same, there's not the same quite the same affection for it or hasn't thrived as much as some other cuisine say like Chinese or Thai or Indian so to have a restaurant of that quality that's you know based off of the food that I grew up eating is you know a real pleasure to go and eat especially with my mum as well yeah

44:05James Acaster: it's great introducing your mum to people isn't it your parents have them say stuff like that and I'm at the point now where I'm like whatever they say it's on them now it doesn't reflect on me at all

44:17Andi Osho: I kind of need that policy Yeah.

44:20James Acaster: Introducing the people and whatever they say, the person might look at me and go, it's not me.

44:25Andi Osho: They're their own person.

44:27James Acaster: Whatever. I know it was bad. I just stand there and go, I wonder what crazy shit I'm going to say when I'm that age.

44:35Andi Osho: Yeah. I'm going to see some wild stuff. Yeah, you are. Are you starting to become unfiltered? It's not even unfiltered. It's just, I don't think my parents are unfiltered. Okay. Like they just say things completely out of the blue. like it's never like oh god they've said completely the wrong thing it's just like why the fuck he said that

44:55James Acaster: I'd say it's more a thing with you that as you get older and a lot of my dad's definitely done this and I think your dad just you back yourself even more yeah yeah yeah double down so whatever the thing is I'm going to take my own poppadom and everyone else can get their own as well there's no kind of like going well I understand why you might break it it's just like this is right yes this is the right thing to do just fully committing I think that's what you'll be as you get older you're going to be more and more like that why wouldn't you do it like this? it'd be more entertaining for me being around him and seeing that what are you going to be like?

45:32James Acaster: I hope I'll let myself just be weirder and weirder but I think what I'm going to do is just cut more and more people out of my life until I'm not really hanging out with anyone I can kind of see that happening

45:45Andi Osho: right yeah

45:46James Acaster: and by the way be really happy

45:48Andi Osho: yes yeah I love it

45:50James Acaster: but like yeah I can see that being the case

45:52Andi Osho: still do this though still do this going

45:54James Acaster: I'll just be seeing Ed yeah I'll be asking Benito to sit in the other room

45:59Andi Osho: too many people in here but I like yeah yeah no guests

46:02James Acaster: yeah no guests guests on Zoom in the corner me and Ed chatting Ed uncompromising yeah

46:08Andi Osho: me putting up with him

46:09James Acaster: double it down only person I put up with anymore yeah I think that's where this is going it's a beautiful thing

46:13Andi Osho: I can't wait

46:20Andi Osho: your dream main course andy my dream main course okay so seeing as it's a dream restaurant can i do fusions okay so where my head went was i wanted to go jollof rice i'm gonna go jollof rice actually but i'm not gonna go with the stew and the meat stew that usually comes with it because i've never liked it when i was a kid like so the process is like my mom would boil the meat or stew it kind of thing then she'd fry it yeah then she'd fry it and then it would go into the sauce so it would hold its shape and you know it'll have all those flavors and stuff but i wanted it after she'd fried it like so she'd have to take bits out set them aside for me and then put the rest of the meat because i don't know why i don't trust meat in stews i've never something about it you don't trust it i don't trust it and now i use that word specifically there is not trust yeah because i think there's been too many times when there's been just a little tiny bit of gristle or something like that and no i can't yeah you know what i mean like i can't i actually can't yeah yeah a

47:27James Acaster: gristle is that that'll put you off even just a tiny yeah i love it do you no don't i love a bit just the texture chew it you can get flavour out of all that stuff

47:38Andi Osho: Ben intervene you get flavour out of all that stuff like a bit of bone and like yeah really go for it yes I get that but gristle fat all of that yes please I'm sorry Andy James is shaking his head I'm sorry I always say that it's organic chewing gum oh worse how does that help your argument and do you swallow chewing gum depends I mean if it's a small enough bit I mean I've you know wow yeah no I've no I can't I just my favourite bit of a chicken leg is you know the bit on the end like the it's like a kneecap no I actually don't know that because I snap it off really I'll eat that I'll eat that hole because I don't waste food I'm nose to tail how I wow how I don't waste food is just not eating it I just yeah that's wasting it but I'm not it's not on my plate either no fair enough so it's not like I've cut that bit out yeah yeah yeah to be fair I can't accuse you of wasting food that you've just not eaten or never attempted to eat that's it that's what I'm getting at yeah no that's fair enough so so to get around all this what I'm doing is I've got my jollof rice yes and then I'm gonna have proper jerk chicken with it because I actually think that's a really delicious combination but then you need some sauce so it's either well then it's the sauce from the meat stew actually yeah that's really nice so you trust the sauce even though it's been hanging out with the meat.

49:04Andi Osho: Yeah. No, it's not. I'm not opposed to the flavours of meat. It's just that. Yeah. You can't take chances. And so, yeah, that would be, I think that would be perfect for me. Jollof rice. Delicious. Bit of stew, sauce. And whenever I go to like Nigerian functions and stuff, that's what I like. Like I'll say, jollof rice, no, no meat. Thanks. I'll just have the stew. And then look, I get like, they look, they do look at me like I'm crazy. Like you don't want, you don't want, you don't want. like just emphasize different poses just keep just saying no

49:34James Acaster: you don't want

49:36Andi Osho: next time

49:37James Acaster: you should bring Ed with you yeah and Ed can have all your meaty gristly bits so you can go I bought this fella with me yeah

49:44Andi Osho: give it to him only gristle please

49:47James Acaster: all to him

49:47Andi Osho: yummy yum

49:48James Acaster: and Ed's just there

49:49Andi Osho: yeah I mean this is this sounds perfect yeah absolutely ideal they will still look at me weird like why have you got a royal taster with you yeah you weirdo but yeah this could be a compromise good compromise but yeah that's how I would that's how I'd roll

50:07James Acaster: that's delicious yeah I love that combo jerk chicken where's the best jerk chicken you've ever had is there a jerk chicken you'd be like it has to be that one for the dream menu

50:15Andi Osho: for the dream menu I'm gonna say I'll tell you where my mind goes is St. Lucia and it was like a like a local carnival I don't think it was like a big one but it was just like this street sort of festival that was going on and we just stopped at this little stall that had the drum and everything. And it was just delicious. It was just delicious. So that's in my mind. But otherwise, I'd say probably any of the stalls on Carnival in Notting Hill. Do you know what I mean? Like you can't go wrong. Well, you probably can. But the main ones where there's a queue, those ones, you can't go wrong.

50:53James Acaster: I never went to Notting Hill Carnival. I literally for three years lived on Ladbroke Grove. and but I was always at Edinburgh

51:01Andi Osho: I think it was Edinburgh

51:03James Acaster: and then I'd get back like the day after Carnival so it would just be like what the fuck happened here the cab driver had to drop me off in my suitcase from Edinburgh like ages away from my house so I couldn't get to it I'm just going for all the debris

51:20Andi Osho: just all the empty cans of red stripes everywhere

51:24James Acaster: this is a proper festival I'm going from Edinburgh they're probably picking a few flyers up after an entire month but yeah I was gutted that I never got to go to it I lived right there

51:33Andi Osho: well they're still doing it we've got great news for you James

51:39James Acaster: I'd have to travel now really?

51:41Andi Osho: across London I think that's what people do to go to things you know everyone who goes to the Notting Hill Carnival doesn't live in Notting Hill James you are allowed to go if you aren't a resident of said area I don't know that's too, it's a schlep I can kind of feel the same way but I'll go for the jerk chicken next time I'll go for the jerk chicken but I'll be in and out I'll be getting it take away and then I'll leave because everyone's having too good a time yeah yeah too noisy I'm glad everyone's having a nice time but I'll just get the chicken and I'll go and watch from a distance I think the dream scenario is to be in one of those houses on the roof that was my goal for a good decade of befriending somebody who knew a person who lived on...

52:27James Acaster: She'd have got in touch with me.

52:28Andi Osho: Yeah, but you were in Edinburgh.

52:30James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Perfect. Didn't think it through. Free house. Joe and Kate would have been in. Shout out. Shout out, Joe and Kate. So would they go to Carnival? Yeah, yeah.

52:43Andi Osho: Well, they didn't have to go anywhere, did they? They were just on their doorstep.

52:46James Acaster: Yeah, they were fine.

52:47Andi Osho: Did they tell you stories? Yeah, they'd go,

52:49James Acaster: here's what happened at Carnival.

52:51Andi Osho: I feel like I was there. Good stuff, yeah.

52:53James Acaster: the jollof rice is that going to be the one your mum used to make or

52:56Andi Osho: oh gosh controversial but my cousin i'm gonna say makes the best jollof rice and i'm it's to the point where i almost don't want to know how she does it you know like with dry cleaning you don't want to know really what they're doing like am i the only one that feels like that no i wouldn't say that's a universal observation is it not i'm kind of clean yeah so you know how dry cleaning works no but i've never been there yeah but i don't want not want to know. Well, how come you don't know then? Yeah. There's plenty of things I don't know. There must be some resistance. I just think I've got a lot on.

53:29Andi Osho: Okay. Too busy to know. Is it like... You ain't got much on. I know it's just... What have you got on? That's a fair point. Now I do want to know. Now you've brought it up. I think I just never thought about it. But do you really? No. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Talked you around. But yeah, I don't want to know what's in it. She has told me the recipe, but I think my mind has created like a brain fog so that i don't actually take it in because i just love that she makes it it's absolutely delicious it's almost like you could eat it just like without anything it's that delicious how often is rice that i might say special fried rice that's kind of you can eat on its own i was thinking today because about putting rice in my my dream menu and i was thinking about how i i just love rice i love it so much that sometimes when i'm in a restaurant eating especially towards the end of a meal that involves rice like i'll sort of get this food like tunnel vision where i'm just eating it i can't think about anything else because it's so delicious you're just in a complete loop just yeah yeah and then so i i um i i will say i went on to ai i know this is not necessarily what it's useful for but is that a thing i sort of explained what has happened like because i wondered if there was a term for it yeah um so 40 gallons of water later.

54:43Did it come out with anything?

54:45Andi Osho: No, it was useless. Just like rice. I just used a load of water and destroyed a community just to find out that I actually really like rice. You're just

54:55James Acaster: peckish. My research said you like rice. Thank you.

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56:10James Acaster: your dream side dish Andy do you know what

56:13Andi Osho: I'm going to change it because it was going to be some sort of like greensy type thing I really like tender stem I don't know how they managed to trademark that or whatever they've done but crazy right that it's a company yeah we only found that out when we did an advert for them oh really

56:28James Acaster: we thought it was a prank yeah we thought it was an April fall right Like someone was like, there you go, doing an advert for tomatoes. Oh, is it? We're not idiots. Tender stem broccoli. We were like, loads of people sell tender stem broccoli. It's like, no, they've got it.

56:41Andi Osho: Yeah. Because you get a little, there's a little R, isn't there? Yeah. By tender stem, like a registered trademark or something. They've nailed it. Well done them. I mean, it is delicious. Yeah. So a little bit of butter, maybe a bit of garlic. Yum. Or the same with spinach. Also yum. Not cream. Don't like it when they put that in there. It's too much. Too far. but because of what the main is the jollof the the soup um there's i don't know what it's called but when it with nigerian food sometimes you um chop up okra and you'll have that with your actually you know it doesn't go with this because you would have it with ground rice you know like um ground rice is kind of like it's like pounded rice mixed with water and it has a kind of polenta type texture to it so you would pick it up and then yeah exactly and i was gonna say the okra which you pick up and it gets really sort of like almost like snot kind of thing but it tastes amazing but that wouldn't work with the rice i think it would be weird with the rice i love okra though yes and people get weird about okra being like slimy but only in certain like certain yeah because you can fry okra as well and like yeah it's it's a great it's a great veg i grill it sometimes or cook it in the oven that's really nice literally just salt and pepper really nice in the oven or put it into like if you're making a curry or i've attempted gumbos but i'm not really sure what i'm doing so i just sort of chuck loads of stuff in and go oh i haven't got that so i'll use that and i haven't got that so i'll use that and it's quite right yeah but i'll call it that um so i'm gonna go yeah i'm gonna go tend to stem why not i knew a few quid now are you mentioning it loads yeah exactly are you boiling are you steaming are you grilling I think it is blanched yeah so just a quick minute or something like that I need to develop a technique oh well someone's cooking it for me aren't they I'm not doing it myself I need a technique for being able to tell because I just look at stuff to tell a lot of times I think that's a good habit to get into do you think?

58:37yeah

58:38Andi Osho: I suppose it's alright with veg but it's alright with meat as well I think to just look? yeah looks alright it feels like the right moment to stop cooking it Oh, the feel, that's different. It's different to look, I suppose. Yeah. With steak, I just sort of... Feel is different to look. You heard it here first on the Off Menu podcast. If I'm cooking a steak now, I'll just be like, yeah, I reckon. Really? Yeah. Wow. Have you got like an instinct, though, for... Maybe that's what it is. I think I specifically have a steak instinct. Yeah. Is that a go-to for you guys? I will have, you know, steak a week, maybe.

59:15I would happily... Keep the doctor away.

59:18Andi Osho: As they say. I would happily eat steak every night. Really? But my brain goes, I don't think that's good. That's quite fair. Wow. Do you have a place you go to to get your steaks from? My kitchen. That's what I was getting at. From the sofa to the kitchen. Yes. The fridge. It's in the fridge. Not for long, though. Get it out of the fridge an hour before I cook it. Yes, right. Get it to room temperature. Yeah. Obvs. Yeah. I'll buy if I can get to the butchers on time I'll buy a steak from the butchers so you go to proper butchers I'll go to proper butchers why don't supermarket steaks taste very good?

59:55sometimes you can get nice ones yeah I'd say if you're going to if you're going to a fancy supermarket I think they tend to be slightly better M &S or something M &S or you know Waitrose or I guess they're alright from there right but then I've had good I've got to have good steaks from other places couldn't even tell you

1:00:09James Acaster: the last time I went to a butcher they stink meat I can't I can't hack it I can't hack the smell

1:00:15Andi Osho: Really?

1:00:16James Acaster: Yeah, I'm just too sensitive my nose Yeah As soon as I go into the butchers I'm like, get me out of here Really? Yeah, get me out of here Get me in somewhere nice smelling like Eminem world

1:00:29James Acaster: Olible

1:00:30Andi Osho: Wow

1:00:31James Acaster: Can't hack it

1:00:32Andi Osho: Yeah, just Yeah, I mean they do smell very much of meat but they do smell kind of fresh They smell clean, fresh Yeah I love the smell of a butcher's

1:00:41James Acaster: They smell clean but like

1:00:44Andi Osho: Fishmongers?

1:00:45James Acaster: no yeah don't go in a fishmonger pretty much uh cross i live near this is now i'm treading on some toes here potentially amy annette our friend and brilliant comedian uh i saw her do uh a work in progress of a show she said something which said she never has said again since but i got so excited about it as an observation um and i'm so angry that she hasn't done this as material she said that she lives near a fishmonger so every day she has to decide whether she walks through the fish water or not on the pavement and i was like amy that is an observation older than comedy itself and no one's ever done it yeah like no no stand-up has ever done it and you got that observation that that is at least a five minute routine about trying to decide whether to walk through the fish water please do a routine about it next time i saw her i was like have you done it she's like no i just never really uh you know didn't didn't do anything with it yeah Please, dear God.

1:01:37And we've talked about this before. Whenever a comedian goes to another comedian and I like that bit, they mean that's a bit I would do.

1:01:45Andi Osho: Yes. You've done it to me before. You've gone, I love that. That's such a good observation. And it's never worked. Yeah. So you would have said that to Amy. That's a brilliant observation. You've got a five-minute routine. She would have tried it the next gig. It would have absolutely gone to nothing.

1:01:59James Acaster: Yeah. And because that's a routine you would get five minutes out of. I would love it. The fish water outside the fish run is trying to decide.

1:02:05Andi Osho: But you can buy it off of him. Who are the people who walk through it?

1:02:08James Acaster: Who are the people who go right to the middle of the road? You've got to see how many cars are around. Like, the whole thing. That couple, actually. Nish as well. He's got... He said something once about those socks that are like half socks. You can't hang them up on the clothes horse properly. And I was like, Nish, you've got to use that. And he was like, nah, it's not really my thing. And I was like, you've got to do it. You did it to me. I had a line about backwash. Yeah, brilliant. But it doesn't work anywhere. Brilliant. What was the backwash line? It was really good. Talking about the only thing we worried about at school was backwash.

1:02:39Yeah, when kids are drinking that. Do you remember backwash? Yes, I do.

1:02:42Andi Osho: I remember people going like, oh, that's 25 % backwash. Yeah, exactly. So you have to drink by hovering someone else's drink above your mouth and just letting it dribble into your mouth. I don't know how many people never went that far. Oh, no, we didn't ask. You could have a sip of someone's drink, but you had to hold it above your head and let it just rain down into your mouth. Yeah, like a cherub at a fountain. Oh, okay. I do remember there was a girl who had braces and you can literally see like the swirl of them.

1:03:07James Acaster: Oh my God. Put that in the read. Put that in your backwash routine. James, I've dropped the backwash routine. Nish, if you're listening, you've got to do the half socks on the clothes horse. Amy, do your fishmonger's routine with the fish water and walking through it. Come on, people. I think what's happened is just all three of us accidentally wrote a James Acaster premise and then couldn't flesh it out.

1:03:29James Acaster: Your dream drink, Andy.

1:03:31Andi Osho: So like I was saying, so I did stop drinking alcohol about two years ago just because I actually did an ayahuasca retreat and they said that like in the lead up to it the preparation one of the things that they suggest you do you don't have to but they suggest that you stop drinking alcohol to get the most out of the ceremony so I remember literally like being at a friend's house and going well this is exactly two weeks you know getting the glass of wine down me and then two weeks went did the retreat which was a week and then at the end of it left it till the end to tell us do you know what to get the most out of what you've experienced we suggest you go another two weeks or so like without drinking alcohol so I was like well we're here now aren't I it's like already three weeks in I might as well keep going and then yeah that was two years ago wow yeah yeah so I think you're just waiting for them to call and tell you that it's alright to start drinking again do you think it is alright for me to start you're still doing Iowasca every day there's revelation after revelation in this podcast so I mean it could be true I could have started drinking again and I didn't know on behalf of the Off Menu podcast please you're allowed to start drinking again oh thank you thank you

1:04:43James Acaster: I think you're only our second guest who's done the whole proper ayahuasca thing I am yeah so Simon Amstel Simon Amstel's done it and you're the second one I'd like to get enough for a retreat enough guests that we could have our own little our own ayahuasca retreat yeah oh they were like

1:05:01Andi Osho: an off menu retreat yeah we can just talk about food yeah yeah

1:05:04James Acaster: that's that we'd say we recommend you don't eat two weeks before coming to the off menu retreat because just gristle for it it's going to be so much yeah

1:05:11Andi Osho: you can but it'll ruin the experience yeah and then afterwards don't eat for another yeah yeah but I was thinking about if I were or if I want if there was a way of having this as a virgin drink an old Cuban and what's an old Cuban so it's let me see if I can get this right mint rum some sort of syrup Angostura bitters and champagne or a sparkling you know a sparkling wine so it could be Prosecco absolutely delicious and then oh my god is it dark rum or white rum no I think it would be white rum yeah judging from remembering what the drink looks like it would be a white rum and yeah just with a garnish of a bit of mint on top as well sounds delicious it is absolutely because I've not really got a massively sweet tooth although as perimenopause has gone on my sweet tooth has gotten more so i'll be like eating cake i've really got a sweet tooth and i'll be just like halfway through someone's birthday cake before the candles have even gone out but like yeah that if i could if there was a virgin version of that well it's the dream restaurant i reckon we can whip it up yeah

1:06:17James Acaster: yeah genie what are you replacing the rum and champagne with uh whiskey and vodka um that's What would you? I mean, I... Oh, champagne, you can get non-alcoholic champagnes and Prosecco.

1:06:31Andi Osho: Yeah, they come with quite an interesting flavour, I'm going to say, though. Not necessarily the same as... Okay, Mountain Dew. So Red Bull and... Yeah, yeah.

1:06:44James Acaster: Red Bull, Mountain Dew, and all those other things you mentioned. That's the virgin. Yeah. Yeah, maple syrup and white monster. There you go. I think that's it.

1:06:50Andi Osho: That's perfect. Yeah. Yeah, so that's... But when I was, because I wasn't sure exactly what was in it. So I looked up the ingredients and I was thinking, this is enough to have me start drinking again because they're delicious. I think it's the lime and the, because obviously lime's quite sour. And then the sweetness of the, you know, if they use Prosecco, I think there's something about that, how they don't cancel, they complement. Yeah. Yeah.

1:07:17James Acaster: That does sound great. I've never heard of that before. No. That sounds delicious.

1:07:20Andi Osho: All cute. Very nice.

1:07:21James Acaster: And the last alcoholic drink you had was a red wine?

1:07:24Andi Osho: It was a, I think it was like a porn star martini by mistake.

1:07:28James Acaster: Wow, that's quite the, I'm glad that we asked this. When Paul Chowdhury was on, we asked him what his last alcoholic drink he had was because he'd quit. And he said a hot toddy. Right. And yours was a porn star martini. It's like proper like, yeah, it's not what you'd expect. Going out with a bang. A porn star martini by accident?

1:07:45Andi Osho: Yeah, because they said on the menu that they did virgin ones. So that's what I asked for. Right. It was quite loud. I don't think she quite caught what I said. And I was getting a bit shouty. And, you know, I hadn't had a drink in like 18 months or something like that. And I was like, I think that may have had alcohol in it. Also, asking for a virgin porn star martini is... That's funny. It's a point. That's funny. Yeah. Yeah. There's no such thing. Yeah. I don't know what they would have put in it. Who's watching that? Who's watching that?

1:08:14James Acaster: Someone failed to have sex for?

1:08:17Andi Osho: I was actually watching it for the morning tips.

1:08:18James Acaster: Oh, I locked myself out the house. let me in I want to have sex with you please oh I'm such a virgin could you do the plumbing before we do the other stuff I'll be there I'll be there I'm doing my puzzles

1:08:34is that your impression of a virgin yeah

1:08:37James Acaster: I'm doing my puzzles I can't come in and have sex right now how did you deal on your puzzles this morning pretty good yeah it's a hard no it's quite hard to say the puzzles we do the same puzzles in the morning

1:08:47Andi Osho: oh and then do you confer yeah it's gone badly though recently puzzles spelling bee New York Times puzzles the New York Times one so spelling bee strands wordle connections okay and it's like who can get there first or no we just chat if it's difficult like I actually look to James with spelling bee to be like if I'm having a really rough day on spelling bee I'll message James being like fuck spelling bee today and then he'll be like yeah I know it's really hard and I'll be like I feel fine now how does that work written down like isn't spelling bee where you have to spell a word yeah but you get as many words you can out of these letters, but you have to include the centre letter, and they have rankings you have to try and...

1:09:26Well, wait to hear this. This annoyed me. This is bad. I always thought it was genius you had to get to, and I was regularly getting to genius, and I was like, I am a genius. This guy texted me saying, there's a level above genius called Queen B, and you have to get all the words, and I never got it, and it felt like I've wasted the last year and a half.

1:09:44Andi Osho: Oh, man.

1:09:45James Acaster: I knew it was bad because my girlfriend's friend Lauren told me. And Lauren takes spelling bee really seriously. Right. Because spelling bee, obviously there's loads of different words, different lengths, but if you get, if you use all the letters, it's pangram, her rule for herself is she has to start with the pangram. She has to start with that. She can't put any words in until she's got the big one. Really? And then she has to get to genius before she's allowed to... Celebrate. Look for clues. Apparently there's clues you can get online. There's hints, yeah, yeah. Hints. so she can't do any hints until she gets to genius and then she always gets to Queen B and I was like sorry what?

1:10:22James Acaster: you get to Queen B what's Queen B? genius is top point

1:10:26Andi Osho: so that's how you found out I was like

1:10:28James Acaster: genius is top she was like are you stopping at genius? I was like I knew in that moment I've got to tell Ed but I was like it's going to destroy him

1:10:40Andi Osho: so I love that you were responsible you shared it but you gave it some thought

1:10:45James Acaster: I know he wouldn't like it and he was just instantly like he was like I'm a moron I'm an idiot I'm stupid all those days where I was like yes I got the genius my sweets are my child it's not Queen B do you think there's anything

1:11:04Andi Osho: don't even start don't even start Sting Sting and the police the sting level is when you really take your time over it tantric sex right yeah so you're doing the puzzle over yeah

1:11:21James Acaster: would a virgin know about that

1:11:27James Acaster: your dream dessert Andy

1:11:29Andi Osho: dream dessert so this would be sticky toffee pudding easily vanilla ice cream I want to say sometimes they come with they want to put a twist on it and they'll pick quite a sweet or they'll make quite a sweet ice cream I say no I say vanilla yeah it's gotta be I think so yeah the sticky toffee's doing the lifting sweet wise isn't it exactly you don't need to be piling more sweetness on top of that exactly I did have one that was kind of awful though because the dates they kind of shredded them and so the the sponge was really stringy so that was that was kind of weird but generally like you just can't go wrong yeah I was gonna start a a sticky toffee Instagram account because I love it that much I was like I could go around just like review and someone's already done it.

1:12:15Andi Osho: STP reviews? Yeah. Yes. He shows the STP reviews. I love STP reviews because he's so serious. Yeah. He plays it with a completely straight bat. He really cares about Sticky Toffee Pudding. Yeah. He's like a newsreader. I love him. That's amazing. Because it had already been done and I didn't actually stick around to sort of enjoy the account. Yeah, yeah. I was like, right, that's it. It's over. The dream's dead.

1:12:38James Acaster: I liked it. He only showed me one video but it was, yeah, it's very engaging. Yeah.

1:12:43Andi Osho: Yeah.

1:12:43James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. it was good maybe you could do account for DoubleTree Hilton cookies you could you could just go around right the British Isles but stop saying in every DoubleTree sure reviewing that particular cookie at that DoubleTree and just being like which one of them are taking care of their cookies the best just before Andy responds the face you made when you first said it I'm thinking she doesn't like this idea came across like you thought it was a bad idea but like I've explained the whole idea now so now I really presume you probably changed your mind

1:13:13Andi Osho: what happened was I just thought, would this be a review of the cookies or would it be a review of the cookie-keeping abilities?

1:13:20James Acaster: Yeah, all of it. All of it, yeah.

1:13:22Andi Osho: Well, because aren't the cookies the same? Don't they just get a batch sent out?

1:13:25James Acaster: Yeah, they're exactly the same.

1:13:26Andi Osho: So what would I be reviewing? The drawers? The cookie. I'd be reviewing the drawers. You've got to think the drawers are the same as well.

1:13:32James Acaster: It's whether they've looked after the cookie enough for you. Right. You know, how they presented it to you, how that made you feel, if it was nice.

1:13:39Andi Osho: This feels like a Yelp review at best.

1:13:42James Acaster: no no this is like a whole Instagram account of like Andy Osher reviewing Double Tree cookies this is like something snappier than that what's that guy called the pudding guy again STP reviews yeah this is called do it DTC reviews Double Tree cookies

1:14:05Andi Osho: and it's just you

1:14:07James Acaster: and you just make I'm looking you could do on the road yeah Yeah, and you're just going from DoubleTree to DoubleTree. You just take a chunk out of your calendar, out of your diary. Well, if you want to write a new book, I guess maybe going to hotels would be quite a nice place. You can sit in the hotels, get some work done.

1:14:22Andi Osho: Yes. That's a good follow-up as well. Or my house is also... Yeah. I could review my house.

1:14:30James Acaster: Review your own house.

1:14:31Andi Osho: Oh, I could get the cookies sent to my house.

1:14:34James Acaster: I mean, good luck. Good luck. DoubleTree aren't sending out. That's a whole story in itself. If you managed to get a Doubletree Hilton cookie sent to your house, that's news.

1:14:47Andi Osho: Guys, the Doubletree. That's the story. I really want to sincerely ask if there was any way that, because James has spoke so highly about your cookies, that one could be sent to my home. And however it tastes, even if it's not warm, I will give a favorable review. You need it warm. I will warm it up when it arrives. I need to bring it warm. you need to bring this send one warm cookie ask for more three warm cookies I didn't know you could ask for numbers I think that's it I'm excited for you to try I think DoubleTree are going to send cookies you think they'll send cookies to here that's news if that happens we'll pass one on James eat it on the way oh your cookie was so nice yeah I'll review it for you following the courier down the street could we have one more Yeah, please.

1:15:37Andi Osho: It's not for me.

1:15:40James Acaster: Andy wanted another cookie. I really want one of them cookies now.

1:15:43Andi Osho: See, I've got no point of reference because I've never tried them.

1:15:46James Acaster: Yeah.

1:15:46Andi Osho: You guys know how great they are. Why aren't you doing the reviews?

1:15:49James Acaster: Because I already know what they're like. People want to see first reactions on the internet.

1:15:53Andi Osho: Oh, okay.

1:15:53James Acaster: That's what they want.

1:15:54Andi Osho: Oh, like when people hear like in the air for the first time or something. It's like that. I don't know why that's so...

1:15:59James Acaster: It's really specific. It's really similar. Yeah. Life changing. Yeah. Yeah. Do, do, do, do. yeah yeah both both good fills yeah fill-ins yeah it doesn't work it does it does it didn't work Andy we got the idea

1:16:15Andi Osho: I think yeah I was okay with it

1:16:18James Acaster: what's the best cookie you've had so far in your life

1:16:20Andi Osho: M &S white chocolate something or other

1:16:23James Acaster: this is better than that

1:16:24Andi Osho: yeah what what yeah but they're not hot

1:16:28James Acaster: yeah exactly number one

1:16:29Andi Osho: so temperature is the

1:16:31James Acaster: warm cookies are better than cold cookies right

1:16:33Andi Osho: yeah I know facts

1:16:34James Acaster: yeah yeah that's great

1:16:36Andi Osho: but they are pretty good the M &S ones

1:16:38James Acaster: yeah oh M &S at the minute Golden Age they're knocking it out the park we're speaking very highly of M &S we are we're really picking up M &S on an amazing run at the minute yeah

1:16:49Andi Osho: but the food halls are something else aren't they do you spend a lot of time in them

1:16:52James Acaster: oh yeah

1:16:54Andi Osho: it's like they've seen us coming

1:16:55James Acaster: yeah they know they know what we like yeah

1:16:58Andi Osho: so moody in there now and how it's all dark and everything and just looks like it looks like those ads yeah This is not just... Now their stores actually look like those ads. I've got a small one very near me and a bigger one like 20 minutes walk away. Right. Sometimes all I've got planned for the day, I'm walking to the big one. Yep. That's it. That's goals. That's me getting my steps in. Yeah. I'm walking to the big one. Around the M &S. Around the big M &S. Oh, gosh. And I buy a lot of the... They don't have the boxes of Mandarin slices in the small one. So I buy them from the big one. I like a lot of the prepared fruit from M &S.

1:17:36Andi Osho: Oh, okay. And my wife, Charlie, she makes fun of me. Right. She says I'm like a gorilla at the zoo. You know, when they give them cut up fruit. Okay. She's like, you're not a little monkey, man. Why are you eating that? What is it about actually cutting up fruit? No, I mean, I like the little segments. I like that you get segments and slices and stuff, and then I can just be like, oh, I need some fruit, and then I can just, I mean, I guess a bit like a gorilla at the zoo. so what happens if there is none of that stuff in would you cut up fruit or would you go to the M &S apples I'll just eat normal style okay you don't eat them with a knife like villains always do no but when I have done that I do feel like a villain yeah they are always doing that yeah that's an egg as the premise yeah I'm putting that right in between my fish muggers stuff and the small socks that's good stuff but I'd like the cut up fruit I think it's nice yeah okay but yeah I think the way you slice things does change the way it tastes and maybe there's something maybe that's it maybe the M &S guys whoever's doing the slicing at M &S they know they know me but yeah I'll go and do my yeah

1:18:46James Acaster: that'd be a pretty good guest to get on the podcast but if we're gonna write that down whoever slices the stuff at M &S

1:18:52Andi Osho: the machine

1:18:52James Acaster: yeah no no it'll be a person it'll be a person this is M &S we're talking about this'll be a person yeah Mark or Spencer I remember my brother

1:19:01Andi Osho: me and my brother laughing for about an hour because we said why and we weren't even stoned or anything but we were like why is it Marks and Sparks not Mensers and Spencers

1:19:09James Acaster: funny

1:19:10Andi Osho: made us laugh

1:19:11James Acaster: we were kids yeah I remember Andy Peters on I think it was Live and Kickin' or something getting given he bought a cake for someone someone said did you make this yourself and he said I made it with my friend Mark and my friend Spencer and at the age I was I thought it was the funniest thing I had ever heard in my life. Because you realised. I was like, Andy Peters, you have absolutely done it again. Okay, Andy, I'm going to go read you your menu now. See how you feel about it. You would like sparkling water. You would like poplums with all the dips except lime pickle and raw onion. Starter, moi moi from Chishuru.

1:19:50James Acaster: Main course, Cousins jollof rice with jerk chicken and the sauce from the meat stew. Side, tender stem, trademark, broccoli with butter and garlic. Drink, virgin old Cuban. dessert sticky toffee pudding with vanilla ice cream.

1:20:03Andi Osho: Oh, delish.

1:20:04James Acaster: Feel good about that?

1:20:05Andi Osho: Yes, amazing.

1:20:06James Acaster: That is great.

1:20:07Andi Osho: I love that.

1:20:08James Acaster: That does sound delicious, Andy. I think all of that would be really nice.

1:20:11Andi Osho: Excellent, excellent. I like that there's a bit of spice in there, but then the dessert at the end just, yeah. And that's a filling meal as well. It is. That is stick to your ribs. I love it. That's stick to your ribs. That's stick to your ribs stuff. I've never heard that. You've never heard that phrase? No. What does it mean? Stick to your ribs like just like filling, warming, delicious sort of hearty food. It would. Yeah. You would be saying kaboom a lot after that.

1:20:38James Acaster: I'm going to try and say stick to your ribs in a future episode. Yeah. Okay. Well, look out for that, listeners. I'm really going to own it. Yeah. If the guest asks what it is, I'll maybe be like, do you not know? Yeah. You know, I hear this. Really rude to them. Classic old phrase. Yeah. And I'll say, Ed doesn't know. Yeah. and I'll pretend to not know you pretend you don't know yeah yeah

1:20:59Andi Osho: oh I'll be tuning in for that

1:21:00James Acaster: tuning in did it again do you want to plug your Doubletree Hilton Instagram before you go yeah I'll have to launch I guess at some point yeah

1:21:10Andi Osho: so you can find me at Doubletree

1:21:13James Acaster: DTC DTC

1:21:15Andi Osho: no DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC DTC

1:21:25James Acaster: DTC at Craig Simons Live on YouTube. Subscribe. Great content coming soon. It's too long, I snore.

1:21:37Andy, thank you very much for coming on the Off Menu podcast and populating our dream restaurant with your beautiful meal.

1:21:44Andi Osho: Thank you for having me. Thank you, Andy.

1:21:52Well, there we are, James. I loved that episode.

1:21:54James Acaster: I know like sometimes it just seems like I'm messing around and joking but I genuinely want Andy to do that Instagram channel with the Double Tree cookies she's quite busy man do I have to end up doing that I came off of social media it's been pretty good for me but I'll go back on just to do that well you could do it anonymously I guess I'll have to be in the videos to wear like one of those V for Vendetta masks I think you could do it through Meta Glasses yeah I could do that so it's all point of view it's all you checking in you get the yeah you get the cookie you check in you blur make sure you blur all your details when you're checking in okay yeah yeah up to your room eat the cookie when you get in your room or in the lift or whatever yeah and give a review give the review but make sure that I'm not if I'm in the lift there's often quite mirrored surfaces in there and there's me straight away with my glasses and also you've got to remember to turn your glasses off or edit out what you normally do when you get to your hotel room beating off big tug Andy did not choose Muller Light Blueberry Lemon Greek Style Yoghurt No thank you for not choosing that Andy So we did not kick Andy out No we did not kick Andy out Don't forget to watch Blue Lights Absolutely watch Blue Lights on iPlayer And make sure you get Andy's latest book Most Wanted You can get it anywhere that you get your books I guess Yes Which is lovely Go and see Ed on tour doing fresh hell Tickets at edgamble.co.uk Make sure you subscribe to at Craig Simons Live, the world's number one UK's James Acaster's tribute act.

1:23:31He's an odd guy, but there's a lot of great stuff on that YouTube channel.

1:23:35James Acaster: Yeah, it's a really good YouTube channel. It's popping off. Everyone's talking about it. Maybe Craig Simons will do the Double Tree Hilton cookie review. Oh, that's good. I wonder if my tribute act does the same thing in hotel rooms as I do, as a tribute. We'll see. Maybe same style. Only one way to find out. Backhand. Thank you. Like Federer. Thank you very much for listening or watching the podcast. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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