Ben Schwartz

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4:14James Acaster: Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the sweet cream of conversation, sprinkling over the sugar of friendship, and blowtorching it with the flame of humour. That was good. That's a gamble. My name is James Acaster. Together we own a dream restaurant. And every single week we invite a guest. We ask them their favourite ever. Start a make-off dessert, side dish and drink. Not in that order. And this week, our guest is... Ben Schwartz. Ben Schwartz, a wonderful comedian, actor. he's been in so many things we love James iconic iconic Jean-Ralphio of course in Parks and Rec Sonic the Hedgehog anyone heard of Sonic the Hedgehog hello are you living under a rock also really enjoyed him in After Party yes don't want to give too much away about that series but he's very very good series series one of the After Party yes co-starring with Jamie Dimitri friend of the pod friend of the pod who has been very eager for us to get Ben on and look we've always wanted Ben on yes it's a joy we finally made it happen but Jamie's like you've got to get Ben on he's so funny he'd be so good he really likes food so we're very much looking forward to this one we know we're in good hands today very excited however if Ben chooses a secret ingredient an ingredient which we have deemed to be unacceptable we will still kick him out of the dream restaurant yes and this week the secret ingredient is Pork Knuckles Pork Knuckles Knuckles Sonic yeah Knuckles is a character in the Sonic franchise yes and Ben is Sonic Ben is Sonic.

5:43James Acaster: What a day that must have been. Getting the Sonic job? Getting the call. You're Sonic the Hedgehog. Wow. Wow. We'll never get that call. We'll never know how that feels. Well, they might reboot it again in the future and Ben might not want to do it. They're not going to pick either of us, man. Come on. Look, I know you're Lars Pinfield, but I don't think it's a natural stepping stone. I think Lars Pinfield is a step... Look, when you think about how much of a step forward Lars Pinfield was from John the Mouse... That's true. Do you take an equal step forward from that? And John the Mouse from a guest role in Josh.

6:15James Acaster: Yes. That was a big jump. I played a character whose name I can't even remember in the sitcom, Josh, in one episode. Then I was John the Mouse, an Amazon Prime film. Yes. Then I was Lars Pinfield in the Ghostbusters franchise. I reckon it's two more steps till I'm Sonic the Hedgehog. You're a franchise guy. I just do franchises. Yeah. Cinderella. Yeah. Josh? Yeah. Part of the Whittacombe Cinematic Universe. It's a huge franchise, Josh Whittacombe. Everything he appears in just expands the franchise. Yeah. Ben Schwartz has been in a lot of stuff though and has a lot of projects coming up that we're very excited about.

6:54James Acaster: Yeah, we normally get like a really detailed sheet of stuff about one project. But with Ben, we've got three lines and it's three different projects. Yeah. DNA? Yes. a comedy that I think Ben created yes with Sam Rockwell also Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice yes which also features Vince Vaughn James Marsden and also of course Ben Schwartz and Friends his improv show which is touring US and they've toured here quite recently yeah and obviously Ben is Sonic yeah I mean how does this guy even fit in guesting on podcasts with all these projects going on madness I mean he's really fast I suppose so you can just zoom around town that helps massively yeah yeah being able to zoom around town in his special shoes I'd like to zoom around town would you?

7:39James Acaster: like Sonic like Sonic? yeah yeah yeah would you like to zoom around town? I think so I'd like to think I'd take a moment for myself now and again Sonic can though he can slow down yeah he's not always zooming around town yeah I wouldn't want to be the Flash I know the Flash can stop but the Flash tends to zoom around town all the time yeah he's zooming because he's stressed I think a lot of the time very very stressed yeah but Sonic maybe not as stressed he's friends with a nice little fox and a pink hedgehog as well can I tell you something that happened last night because I don't know if I'll get it into the conversation with Ben yeah about two o 'clock this morning Charlie my wife was sort of like tossing and turning around in the bed and it woke me up and then she was fast asleep and we have an Alexa thing next to the bed and she said in her sleep she said Alexa play fart sounds

8:30James Acaster: and that is something you can do yes my nephews have shown me that yeah and uh it went bloop bloop and started loading up and i went charlie what are you doing and woke her up she went what i went you just asked alexa something she said yeah to play rain sounds because i find it relaxing i went that's not what you did and then as i said that it went and then alexa went that was a wet one so i'm like incapacitated with laughter yeah and charlie's got no idea what's going on yeah it doesn't know what planet she thought she went Alexa stop and Alexa went okie dokie okie dokie you're alexa so there you go I thought I'd get that off my chest that's brilliant I love that I'm a bit tired today because I was woken up by fart sounds in the middle of the night of course it's hard to get back to sleep after that imagine you're constantly thinking about how funny it was is that how you're meant to get back to bed well there you go and Alexa knew really that Charlie wanted rain sounds because he gave it a wet one yeah yeah wet one there you go It's as close to rain as I can get with the fart noises.

9:33James Acaster: Anyway, should we crack on with this? Yes. This is the off-menu menu of Ben Schwartz.

9:47Welcome, Ben, to the dream restaurant. Oh, I can't believe I'm here. Whoa! Welcome, Ben Schwartz, to the dream restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Oh, there's so much smoke in the room all of a sudden. Pretty cool, right? That's crazy. How are you? Good. What color's the smoke? The color is blue, of course. I watched Aladdin when I was a kid, so of course it's going to be blue. And you're dressed, you have earrings on, but you're also very chic. English chic genie flavor is what I'm getting. Thank you very much. Of course. Can you describe your outfit for me? Yes. Start with what's on your head, because I've never seen anybody wear a hat like that.

10:19Okay. Well, it's actually a tiara made of unicorn horns. I wasn't going to say anything. It looks like a Macbeth's crown, but all unicorn horns. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Ed killed them. Yes, I did. Oh, good for you.

10:32James Acaster: And harvested the horns for me to give me genie powers. What do you do with, do they just become horses? Do you have a bunch of horses around? Yeah, well, they're dead. So, I mean, they're corpses regardless. Couldn't you bring them back to life, you being a genie? Yeah, yeah, I could have done, but I didn't wish for it. So, they all just didn't happen. I used all my wishes. Do you ever, and listen, I haven't listened to enough episodes to understand. Do you ever use wishes for good? Like, go back in time and, like, save people's lives or anything or no? There's a lot. I mean, it's all food-based, really.

10:58James Acaster: So you'd have to sort of include a meal within the doing good. Okay, what about poisoning someone who's created a lot of harm for people? You can do that. Have you done that as a genie? No one's asked me. I would love to do it. You want to kill. You want destruction. You want to take out bodies. I would love to go back in time and kill someone with poison. Got a lot of smoke. Sorry. I mean, who would you, if you had that wish, if I was like. Oh, the big ones. I'd probably just hit off the big ones. Yeah. I'll just probably hit off the big ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking. Who do you think?

11:22The Dolph. Sorry. You call him the Dolph? Well, sometimes. You're talking about Dolph Lundgren? Would you go back in time to kill Rocky Four Star Dolph Lundgren? Yeah, yeah. Wow, this genie is fucked up. Can we curse? Are we allowed to curse?

11:37James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. Do you bleep it out? No, we'll leave it all in. People have to deal with it. Unbelievable. Especially when we talk about killing Dolph Lundgren. Wow, this is the real deal. Yeah. Unbelievable, guys. We'll probably never get Dolph Lundgren on the podcast now. Let's call him up. I bet we can get him. Let's get him. I bet we can get him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be interested to hear what his app is, what his first appetizer is in his meal. Dolph Lundgren's app. Have you got his number? Yeah, let's call him Dolph. Yeah. Let me call him real quick, all right? Call Dolph Lundgren. Ring, ring.

12:06Ring, ring. Is that Dolph's liquid song? I can do any. Do you guys know that I'm incredible at impressions? You can do any impressions. Name anybody. It can be English. It can be America. Anybody you want.

12:18James Acaster: Yeah, yeah. I will immediately after you say the name. Jesse J. Jesse J, the singer. Yes. You want me to do Jesse J, the singer? Yeah. Of course. Here we go. pretend you're calling Jesse J. Bring, bring, bring, bring. Hello? Hello, Jesse J. Hey, how are you? I'm good. Anybody else you want to hear? Weirdly, your impression of Jesse J was better than James's impression of a phone. I said bring, bring, bring, bring. Well, yeah. This is from the 30s? Yeah, yeah. Like on the wall where you have to like turn the little thing to make it work? Yeah. I get it. I'm a genie. You're a genie. All you know is old stuff.

12:49Well, thanks for coming down. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming down. My God.

12:53James Acaster: This is very exciting to have you on the podcast. I've heard of this podcast so many times from so many people I respect and love in comedy so I'm very happy to see that the chemistry is unbelievable in this room it's electric you should see the genie's going bananas right I am literally covered in bananas do you have a different name when you're a genie? or you're yourself? oh good question should I call you anything? what should I call you? you're a genie so you're not yourself I'm a bit like Rumpelstiltskin in that if you guess my name then you have control over me is that how it works it's okay that you haven't read Rumpelstiltskin that's fine I didn't know I've read it either if he guessed his name he let you go he trapped a woman he stamps on the floor making us spin a wheel is this what the show is he stamps on the floor yeah we tried we try and guess what happens in Rumpelstiltskin different fairy tales okay what happens let's do three bears let's do three bears remember what happens in three bears oh definitely okay what happens in three bears I'll set it up for you you tell me what happens obviously a woman goes this little girl goes in it's not a woman sorry you're right it's not a woman you're right Red Riding Hood goes in there and there's three bears and then what happens?

13:58They all... One of them... Wow.

14:02James Acaster: Well, they're not there for a start. Oh, they're not there. That's smart. That's what frees me off. We should start by saying they're not there. They're not there. They go there. Which is a bold move. Huge. She goes in there. She's breaking and entering. So have three of the main characters not be there. But we're fine with saying it's Red Riding Hood, right? We're going with that? I don't know if that's right, is it? No, it's Goldilocks. Is that true? Yeah. It's not Red Riding Hood. This is true. we don't know any we don't know anything we must know one name one what's the most popular so hold on kid story the three bears aren't there and Red Riding Hood's not there no so basically we're in an empty house this is like the movie Up without the old man it's just an old house just hanging out even sadder opening montage it's very dull very dull it's just blank different rooms Red Riding Hood is the one who goes to visit her grandma different empty rooms over the years what did Red Riding Hood do blah blah goes to visit her grandma but it's a wolf so grandma's not there no man everybody's missing somebody in these things Why, so his grandma is there because she's in the wolf's stomach?

14:54James Acaster: A lot of fairy tales include someone not being there. Yeah, or being eaten. Anyway, Jeannie, lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you. I can't wait. Thank you for using your powers today. Oh, we're very excited as well. You've got a number of projects coming up, Ben, that we're dying to talk about. Oh, wow. We're very excited about all of them. I'm excited that you're doing about this DNA project with Sam Rockwell. Okay. That's what I'm excited about. It's just announced. Just now announced. We've got one line about it here. This is the first announcement. this is the well it's the second announcement one was two years ago when I sold it to be to write it ka-ching do you want to say ka-ching oh my god yeah and especially with like yeah please you know how much you get paid for writing not a high budget movie and then it was me and Sam and then we attached Yorma who is amazing who probably has been on the show if not should be on the show have you had any Lonely Island guys or no we've had no Lonely Island wow we'd love it I'd probably geek out a bit too much about Lonely Island songs.

15:51James Acaster: So at best, it doesn't happen. James gets really geeky around some people. Really? Are you music people? Yes, I like music people. You didn't give a fuck about me, so it's like... Oh, listen, you have no idea. You don't care. The amount of things we're holding back on now, Ben, you have no idea. Seems like nothing. You have to look at a piece of paper and remember DNA. We told our friend Nish yesterday, he's a comedian. Who? Nish Kumar. Friend of the show? Yeah, friend of the show, absolutely. And then we spent like about half an hour just doing John Ralfio quotes. Oh, that's exciting. So, you know, believe me, we're holding back a lot on geekdom at the minute.

16:23James Acaster: Okay, I can't wait. I can't wait for you to explode. Yeah, yeah. If Nish was here, he would be, we can call him up. I don't know why we keep threatening to call people. I don't think we've ever been on a podcast where we call people. I happily call Nish. We're bringing back pranks. Oh, wow. Is this like the, what was it called? Not the farty boys. What was it called? The jerky boys. Did you guys have that? Maybe it was too, I'm too old. We have the farty boys. How old are you guys? you're younger than me by years. 39. Okay, we're close. You're younger than that. 38. Yeah. When's your birthday?

16:52Let me guess. I do not know either. Ben, I don't know yours. I will guess all three of your birthdays separately. Okay. This is a special skill that I do.

17:01James Acaster: Yes, yes. Okay. Is it like the impressions? It's just like my impressions. Then it'll be perfect. April 13th? Not far off. What is it? That's correct. That means I'm within two and a half weeks. Okay. Okay. If I get within two and a half weeks, that's unbelievable, Ben. That's the rule. It's crazy you didn't even react. you guys are too British that's unbelievable believe me he doesn't react to anything you wouldn't be saying that's unbelievable that's true that's right okay give me a second yeah Ben doesn't react to anything just don't ever take it personally with him we've been doing this podcast for a long time he just sits there like he's not coining it in god you laughed at the genie part you laugh every time at the genie part no he hates the genie part I always hear him when his breath go unpredictable July 6th January 9th oh J you got the J September 10th no October 4th but hang on You got the number right.

17:49James Acaster: I think in your head, you saw for me, it begins with J and you saw the number nine and you flipped upside down. And I was trying to think, I was trying to January 6th, the big thing that happened in America and DC. I was like, you're definitely born around that time. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On that day. You're the 10th, but it's not that. Yeah. February 10th. No, March. You're so close though. To get the 10th straight up. Is this what the podcast is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 100 % what the podcast is. I love this. I love this. I love how you're initiating these games and then you ask us, is this what the podcast is?

18:20James Acaster: We've got two more projects to talk about. Yeah, sorry. Oh, sorry. DNA. So we just attached Yorma and we're eking towards a green light, which is very exciting. And we haven't, I'm not allowed to say what it's about yet. It's under wraps. The plot is under wraps. That's cool. But I wrote it, I've written many drafts of it. The first draft was written years ago for Searchlight. And then we attached Party Over Here, which is Yorma, Andy, and Akiva. and then we attached Jorma as director and now we're fixing the script up to hopefully shoot with me and Sam Rockwell who's won an Oscar and he's doing a movie he's won an Oscar for three billboards oh yeah he was the here we go he was great in Green Mile remember Green Mile very good yeah that's when I first saw him but like he was in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as lead thug now I'm interested you gotta see a picture of him he's amazing he's a lead thug in that he's wearing a white t-shirt and he has like cigarettes underneath his white shirt always the coolest thing the coolest yeah god Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice sure does the name Vince Vaughn mean anything to you a little bit did a little roll in that a small little roll in that we just wrapped that that was very fun there's a very Ben David who directed it did Scott Pilgrim the animated series and is a genius and he called me and he had this really fun role and he pitched it to me and showed me storyboards and it was so cool I was like gotta do it so I did that that was really fun James Marsden is in that who's also in Sonic yes One, two, and three.

19:45Is this your first time meeting James Marsden face-to-face because in Sonic, you're cartoons? That's true. I met him during publicity, but you're right. Must be weird. It is weird.

19:54James Acaster: I like to imagine you on set in Sonic, just sort of painted blue, walking around doing the voice. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm just hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't smoke cigarettes, but I imagine I'm smoking cigarettes. Smoking cigarettes, being like, all right, another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like that could be me. Do you think you could, if you had to be Sonic in real life, you could do it? Tell me what that means. Take me through what that means, and I'll tell you yes or no. Run really fast. Run into all the coins. Run upside down. Rings. Coins is Mario. Keep going. Anything else you want to shit on?

20:20James Acaster: Getting hit and dropping rings everywhere. There you go. That's a good one. Yeah. Picking up my barrel and throwing it like Donkey Kong. Yeah. Yeah. And you have to defeat Robotnik at the end and Robotnik is Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey is amazing. So could you beat him in a fight? In real life? No. Jim Carrey, I think, can absolutely destroy me. A hundred percent. You ever see Truman Show? Yeah. He can do anything. In Truman Show? Does he beat someone up in Truman Show? No. He probably gets beaten up. He's ass handed to him a lot. He does. But then that's kind of - By weather and by people. Yeah. Ed Harris is pretty mean to him actually.

20:48Yeah, and wears very small glasses. Do you remember how small his glasses were? Tiny glasses. Yeah, two little monocles tied together. Great movie though. That was one of the first, him and Robin Williams, you guys are both comedians. Him and Robin Williams doing drama was such a big deal for me to see because growing up, I'd never seen a comedian do drama before. And then I saw Robin Williams do it and I saw Jim Carrey do it. I was like, oh, we're allowed to do both. And it was a huge eye opener. and so Jim Carpenter that and Eternal Sunshine was huge to see as a kid. I spoke to David Cross

21:15James Acaster: recently on his podcast and he would not I kept saying to him every now how often a week do you think to yourself I was in Eternal Sunshine and he's like never. Oh really? And I was like come on. It has to be all the time. Come on. I would think it all the time. All the time. Now I'm trying to quote one of his lines to him I am building a birdhouse. Very good. And we wouldn't have any of that. No. He didn't. He didn't understand. He wasn't inviting. No he didn't want to play with you. I get it. We haven't tried to guess your birthday. Women try to guess my birthday We haven't Women do Do women try to guess your birthday Do you want to try I think you guys can get it Yeah I'll zap it to you This is the thing you didn't give to me I will zap it to your head I was zapping man You were not I was zapping the number Yeah yeah Zap it into my head I'm really doing it Okay It's in your head I can see it Just say the first thing you're thinking of September This is unbelievable Is it September?

22:00Keep going I'm not going to say it Are you fucking with me? It doesn't matter Keep going Just whatever you feel The 15th Google it

22:08James Acaster: Benito Google it. 15th of September. No, you are kidding me. You must have looked it up before. Yeah, I looked it up. Yeah, I saw it. But when I said you call him Nish, he was looking it up. Yeah, yeah. I left just enough time. I thought you were just on Twitter for some reason. Yeah, yeah. I don't know where the genie just goes on Twitter for no reason. I'd put a little mark, a little sticker on in my head going like, be horrible to James afterwards and really take him to task for going on his phone during the podcast because he's never done that before. I couldn't believe it. Really? Yeah. That was really rude.

22:35James Acaster: I was like, oh, I guess everybody's chill. everybody's chill here it must have felt like a sort of cool American like bro podcast where they're all on their phones it feels like yeah I'm sure their podcasts are based on their phones right but I thought I'll look at Ben's birthday you did that so well you delivered that so well then later on I'll bring it up but I thought I'd do it now because I didn't want the whole podcast for you to be sitting there going that fucking gums on his phone yeah sure I'm happy I didn't like it even though it gave us that moment I still don't like it of course now would you take it back in an instant yeah of course oh wow live and die by the sword it's worth it for me that you...

23:07James Acaster: One of your genie wishes to be go back in time and stuff and doing that. Yeah, I'd like to use one of my three wishes to make you never look at your phone. Poison myself? Poison. Yeah, a food-based poisoning. Are you much of a foodie, Ben? I am. I love food. So the three of us tour comedically, and I do an improv show called Ben Schwartz and Friends, and I tour a liver. I came here a couple times. And one of the things I do is I bring three improvisers with me, and I try to go to a fancy and beautiful restaurant in every city we go to. So I have a Google Doc of all the restaurants I've been to, rating them, my favorite dishes there and if we love it we go back if not we explore so i i love food but it's more of like a new thing i didn't really have money before to to eat the type of meals that we're eating now and now when we're on tour i just feel like it's like i want to show those guys how much i appreciate they're coming out and so we go out fancy whenever we go on tour what are the other improvisers who like out of all your improv friends that you bring out with you who's the biggest foodie who you're like this person's gonna love this well it's almost different because the people who love it the most to the people who aren't foodies.

24:06So like we went to a restaurant in Toronto, Matty Matheson, who you should have, who's a chef and hilarious on the bear. He has a restaurant in Toronto. He has many, has like 20 ,000 restaurants, but he has one called Prime Seafood Palace. And one of the dishes was, I believe ice cream with caviar on it. And like anytime we go to a place that has like something that none of us has tasted before, that's when it's the most exciting. It's almost more exciting when someone never goes out like that. Then we have the most fun ever because we're tasting things we've never tasted before. Also, if you're all improvisers, you can't turn anything down, can you?

24:35No, we have to accept no matter what. That's right. We can't turn down an idea. Yeah.

24:40James Acaster: Matty Madison's in the back just being like, put fucking caviar on ice cream. See if we'll eat that. Yeah, that's literally it. We have to say yes. That's a great line. You're absolutely correct. We'll eat anything. But it's been one of the most fun things. And because you talk to people, it's like, you know, a bunch of comedy people talking and like becoming friends. And it's just great. Prime Sifu Palace is a restaurant I've not been to. I've never been to Toronto, but it's one of the restaurants I follow on Instagram and just look at the pictures. is that true yeah yeah what other restaurants do you follow I mean a lot of Matty Madison stuff actually his burger his burger place as well sure you gotta get him on the show yeah oh god yeah he's on the list he's on the list let's get him get him on the phone let's get him on the phone bring bring bring bring bring bring hello it's Charlie is it always Charlie X-E-X oh no Jesse J sorry I thought it's Charlie X-E-X that was Charlie you can tell the difference right yeah yeah yeah

25:32we always start with still a sparkling water still can't do sparkling bubbles acid reflux bubbles up my stomach makes me feel full before I'm full same with not drinking too much when I eat a real meal I will only have like one or two beverages and usually save it for the end

25:45James Acaster: save the beverages for the end because it'll fill me up and then I'm full can we talk about a tasting menu thing I love the idea of a tasting menu but it gets me so full by the end the experience is sometimes ruined because I'm so uncomfortable going home. Is that true? False? Do we agree? Absolutely. I don't get full, really. Really? Yeah, if I'm honest. I can see you as one of those people who can just eat everything. Oh, God, yeah. Plow through it, yeah. What do you eat for breakfast this morning? I didn't have breakfast, actually. Wow. Really playing the game well. I can eat anything. Do you want to take Ed out on your improv tour?

26:17James Acaster: I didn't know we were doing improv. I thought we were having an honest chat. No, we are having an honest chat. You can never tell with these guys. Do you fast? Do you fast for a certain time? Not deliberately, no. I just think because it's an early morning record. So I wanted to sleep as long as possible before I came. Oh, that's smart. Yeah, yeah. So you're just going to absolutely eat something right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. James is making his own jokes, laughing at his own jokes. I'm looking at Ben because I'm trying to get reactions out of him after it was established that you can't get a reaction out of it.

26:41James Acaster: Ben is laughing all the time. So I deliberately did a bad joke and looked at Ben and said that you eat fast. You ever give Ben a microphone? No, no, you never give Ben a microphone. He doesn't want to talk on it ever. He's very reluctant to talk. He doesn't like it when producers talk on podcasts, which is fair enough. Oh, I understand that. Do you want to say something about it? And actually a lot of people. The microphone is now in Ben's face. He absolutely hates it. Still water, please. Still water. I found out recently my dad. So I went out for breakfast with my dad yesterday. Okay. Some water was brought over to the table.

27:11James Acaster: I poured my dad a glass. He went, no, no, no, no, thank you. I don't drink water. I didn't know this about him. And he went, he said, whenever I have to drink it, I hold my nose. Wait, how do you go your whole life without knowing that about your dad? Well, I didn't know that he doesn't like that. That cannot be the first time your dad has refused water in the four years. So are you going back through all your memories and going, have I ever seen him drink water? This is too big. This is too big for you to gloss over. You're entirely, you said you're 39, 38? Yes, 39. 39 years old. Is this the father that raised you and everything?

27:42Okay, so you've been around the table a hundred times. You've been to a thousand restaurants. You've never seen your dad hold his nose and drink water and been like, hey, pop. Really? No, I've never seen my pop do that.

27:52James Acaster: I think if you'd met James' dad this wouldn't seem as big get him on the phone bring bring bring bring hello hi dad hey it's Katy Perry just a lot of pop icons are gone yeah but like I mean I remember once he was like trying to lose some weight and he was like I'm not drinking water because it's a con it's a con it's a con it's a con you put on your body just retains it all you put on too much weight I'm not drinking water I remember that happening Wait, so what does he drink? So if he's not drinking water, how is he keeping himself hydrated? Hot chocolate. I mean, definitely he'll be drinking hot chocolate.

28:28James Acaster: And he'll be drinking a whole bunch of stuff that puts on way more weight than water does. This is so funny. He'll drink tea, which is water, just hot water. Yeah, he would drink that, coffees. Don't tell him it's just hot water. He ordered an orange juice at the breakfast. Okay. And here's how he ordered it. He said to the waitress, there's absolutely no rush on this, but I'd love an orange juice in the next five minutes.

28:52James Acaster: so he had an orange juice he had a coffee didn't hold his nose for either of us didn't hold his nose because he loved something yeah yeah but it has no smell water has no smell I don't understand usually you do that when something smells so you don't want to taste the smell yeah he hates it or maybe it goes up maybe it sort of comes out the back of his mouth and down his nose like you're swimming could you get in one of those could you get in one of those things yeah that's right yeah it's really smart I could do that it's really smart Pablo's not bread Pablo's not bread Ben Schwartz Pablo's not bread Pobloves or bread?

29:21Yes.

29:22James Acaster: What is a pobloves? As is tradition, when James screams poppadums or bread. What is a poppadum? It's when you go to an Indian restaurant, they give you those at the start of the meal. Before the food comes out, they might bring you a big, like big round crisps. Oh, I love those. And you smash them up. But I love a bread. I love bread. What type of bread do I get? Choose? You can get whatever bread you want. It can be a specific one that you've had once. By the way, when I come to England, the most fun thing is eating bread because you get bread and then you have your butter, you have your marmalade you have your like it's it's like a whole when you get bread in America it's just like they throw it on here it's like a beautiful presentation it's gorgeous but you're going to nice places as well we've already if you're traveling you're going to nice places that's what I'm trying to or the hotel when you get like breakfast at your hotel they'll give you like something but I feel like every breakfast here has at least some like strawberry jam or marmalade and butter for bread yeah yeah you know the other thing I love anytime we come here like if you go to a hotel the like places where you put the towels are hot love that invention oh yeah love that I don't know why we don't do that at home do you just put the towels on there or do you put other things on there I put my balls on there yeah I'm giving you what you want I don't know why that's what you're going for I don't know what I'm going for where are your balls going yeah in every in everything we talk about I don't know where your balls are going okay so I'll put my balls on the pop-a-dumbs you say can we just go back to the water of course yeah are you gonna put your balls in there in the water yeah I'm gonna fucking plug my nose and put my balls in the water yeah I gotta plug my nose before I put my balls in the water yeah absolutely but if I'm doing that I get sparkling if it's for if it's for my boss I get sparkling oh yeah that's true yeah massage 100 % so we're doing a separate menu today as well as your dream menu we're doing what would you rather put your balls in and this is the show I didn't introduce this this is the show you didn't talk actually I asked you if you put anything else on the heat in town back and you said my balls I just figured that's what you want you were like winking at me yeah yeah and pointing at your own balls I'm gonna say you're right I have the S and everything pointing at my balls and whispering your balls it's fine remember Roger Rabbit when he goes like shave and a haircut and Roger Rabbit has to finish it that's like me my friend Gil Ozeri always uses that as a context it's like we have to finish the joke whatever it is but you always finish it with your balls yes no matter what the joke is knock knock who's that Charlie XOX XOX yeah it's a different Charlie X she's friendlier I'll be always with the balls there you go Ben's almost laughing Ben's having a great time I'm gonna pop on the mic not today Ben Not today, Ben.

31:47I would do bread. I love bread and butter. Do you have a specific type of bread? Kala. Yeah. Or I like a whole wheat in the morning. I'll do that. But a croissant, when I'm here, you guys have the best pastries also, and I go crazy for that. But bread and butter, I usually always start, always have a little bit. And then we can dunk, if we're in like an Italian restaurant, we can dunk and get some of that sauce. Yeah. I think we can do this whole thing as a platter for you,

32:08James Acaster: all those different breads. Is that okay? Some oils. Is that okay with the genie? Yeah, yeah. Okay. You can have a bread platter and be dunking them and mopping stuff up. Thanks, guys. Putting your balls in all the dips. If you got all the different dips, are you putting your balls in those? I didn't say the balls and the dips, but do you want me to do that? Well, I guess we have to ask. Okay. I guess then I would slowly lower myself into the series of dips you put in front of me, like a double-dair obstacle course, if that's what you're asking. Well. Work on my quads, really get a good down, like get really low squat.

32:37Balsamic. Yeah, that's good. Balsamic. Yeah. This is the podcast.

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36:17James Acaster: Your dream starter. Okay, Dream Star. There's, okay, I'm going to name some restaurants that I went to also. Yes, please. I feel like the specificity helps on this podcast because you two are very much into food. And that's what I loved is this place in LA called Capo. It's an Italian restaurant and it's sweet corn ravioli. And it's just like a decadent, beautiful little way to start. And it's one of my favorite dishes ever in the universe. It's just sweet corn in there? It's sweet corn. It's ravioli, sweet corn, and like an incredible sauce at a very fancy Italian place. Yes. If we want to go dirty food, I can tell you the very disgusting fast food places we go to too, wherever you want.

36:52James Acaster: We want to hear about it all, but for your dream menu, you want to start with this. Sweet corn ravioli. I want like three little pieces of sweet corn ravioli. I don't want to close my eyes when I eat them. You know what I mean? It's that type of sweet corn ravioli. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I was just thinking of all the different types of sweet corn ravioli. It's an eyes shut one. It's an eyes shut one. An eyes wide shut one. when people say like you know that small portion of ravioli just makes you think of the first episode of Chef's Table okay with the Italian chef whose name I now can't remember what happened in it well they talk about how his like one of his big dishes early on was these like three pieces I think of and how everyone in Italy was like absolutely appalled because you might have a full bowl and be eating that do you like having like the three do you savour them more when it's each one I do I do and also because then I just know because you know it's appetizer.

37:40If you have too many, then you're in a main course. We're already in a main course. And what has the genie done? We're like, not even there yet. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So that would be starter. I think that would be the starter. I love a little thing. I love a little amuse-bouche. What does that translate to, do you think? Funny food. Just livening up the mouth.

37:57James Acaster: Is that true? Yeah. Amuse-bouche. Amuse-bouche. Great. Amuse. Amuse? Yeah. Bouche. Mouth? Mouth. Wow. Just getting the mouth started. It seems like you're not sure. I'm just... Do you trust? I just still... I trust. But like, I'm just always amazed at how clever Ed is. It's unbelievable. I never really know. But you knew that. Huh? I didn't know that. Do you know what appetizer stands for? I thought it was like Mighty Boosh. No, Mighty Boosh is a TV show here. Used to be. Now you know that, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You know that, right? You didn't know that before. You knew that, right? But like, all I think of when I hear a Ramiz Boosh is Mighty Boosh.

38:27James Acaster: Mighty Boosh. Yeah. That's all I think of. Okay, that makes sense. Funny, surreal comedy. Do you guys, when you guys eat at home, do you watch TV or do you eat and not do anything? No, I watch TV. You do? Yeah, yeah. I can't have a moment where I'm just... Is that true? I do nothing. Yeah, yeah. Are you very bad at slowing down? I'm bad at not having something else playing in the background. Why do you think that is? Same with you? No, no. I can do it. You can be yourself? Yeah, yeah. James is very zen. Okay. Do you meditate and stuff? Is that where your zen comes from? Do yoga. You do? And try and focus on my breathing during that.

38:56Sure. I love this. Listen to... Do the listeners know? we'll cut all this we'll cut all this no I think it's been

39:02James Acaster: brought up before they know I do yoga and I watch ASMR videos to relax I get called a perv by him yeah he finds what type of ASMR he finds it like sexually arousing I don't find it sexually arousing he's always he inserts that you look at his penis real quick ready okay oh I'm getting a bonus yeah you don't have to look at his penis he's telling you he's literally word for word that was the sound of James's dick by the way I didn't start the ASMR yet that was literally the sound of him getting hard it was inflated yeah I'll tell I'll start now oh he's coming can I start I haven't even started the ASMR this is ludicrous it inflated all the air came out one final breath then set the term ASMR jizzed all over the studio when you're watching TV do you watch something you've seen in the past or are you watching something new it depends like if I've got something that I'm currently watching what are you currently watching I just finished a whole bunch of stuff what does that mean?

40:00James Acaster: he watches Ponce and Mecca I just finished loads of loads of series that I was watching so now I don't have anything new on the go what was the last show he watched? Penguin oh how was that? great I bet loved it I bet but quite hectic so you know you can't eat and enjoy the food and watch the penguin all at the same time this is the podcast because every time every time I look up I'm going are you sure that's Colin Farrell? that's what I'm saying if I'm eating something I find it hard to if I'm really like entranced by what I'm watching I find it that I'm always missing something whenever I go down to eat.

40:29Yeah. You know what I mean?

40:30James Acaster: Is that the start? I mean, obviously, the listener can't... I eat like Bugs Bunny in a cartoon. Yeah, where my fork goes like this. I have a cookie monster vibe. Like comfort shows are good when you're eating. Yeah, when I was... When we all were watching DVDs instead of ever streaming, I had like all the Simpsons seasons and I would go to bed watching them because I knew all the episodes so well that they were relaxing to me because I knew what all the lines were. And if it was something new that I was watching, I could never go to sleep because I really wanted to know what was going to happen.

40:58so I had to watch something that was coming so I used to go to sleep to The Simpsons for years in bed who's your favourite Simpsons character? Milhouse yeah has to be you can play Milhouse my voicemail is Milhouse huh? my voicemail is Milhouse I got the person Pamela to yeah as long as

41:14James Acaster: it's not you doing an impression do you want to hear it? yeah hi it's me Taylor Swift wait I wonder if I could I can't believe your impressions of people are hi it's me and then a different name wouldn't they say that? they would say they're oh I guess it's a little different I love that your impression of Milhouse is Hi, it's me, Taylor Swift. Is this it? This would be it, I think. Should we play it? Yeah. Here we go. God, it'd be really funny if it was Taylor Swift. Hey, Ben isn't here, but guess what? Everything's coming up Milhouse! That's pretty cool. That's my voice note for a decade now.

41:46James Acaster: That's so good. Oh my god. I got Captain Barnacles to do a voice note for my nephew when he was ill. Who's Captain Barnacles? Yeah, good question. it was uh from the octonauts oh okay that's beautiful oh my god i did this thing for i did this thing for a show here in england and i found out what i did was a huge deal for people that grew up with this character i'm forgetting what i'm forgetting it's a it's a hugely famous kid show here yes and sonic got a badge blue peter there it is that's what it is blue peter sonic got a badge and i told i told people at home that were british that i was like oh i did this thing have you ever heard of I got a badge and they're like are you kidding me you got a badge I didn't get a badge Sonic got a badge he's like that's unbelievable I can't wait to see it when we were kids that was the you know getting a blue Peter badge yeah but now we're older right now we're cool dudes right you know what I mean I don't watch it now we barely eat breakfast anymore you know what I mean we're so cool now

42:48your dream main course Ben Schwartz this was the problem I find this to be the hardest part because there's so many different versions. There's a, I love sushi. And there's this place called Sushi Bar in LA that the omakase is like the most incredible thing in the universe. I also love chicken parmesan. I'm going to tell you the things I didn't pick. Chicken parmesan is like my favorite like Italian dish. Cheeseburger, anytime I go on the road, I always get a cheeseburger, fries, a barbecue sauce and a ginger ale. That's my comfort food. Cheeseburger is my favorite thing to eat. Where, like, is there a particular chain?

43:18It doesn't even matter. There's some, there's a place called Burgers Never Say Die that's really good but I'll eat any city I go to I'll go in the hotel I'll get that and it like makes me feel happy and home but what I picked I'll go back to my email am I allowed to say omakase I'll say omakase is that fine we're gonna have to get into it though why are you not allowed to say it because it's so many different dishes is it really a main course

43:40James Acaster: but also it takes it takes the decision out of your hands because it's literally a chef's that's all I want it's a chef's selection that's all I want whenever I go to a restaurant I ask the waiter I say are you cool Even when I go to my guys, I go, is it cool if we trust you? Just give us whatever the best things are. That's my favorite way of going out to eat. Yeah. Always. I love not making decisions. But now what you're doing is you're asking for a high-end sushi omakase from the genie. I'm living it in your hands. Yeah. But I don't like uni, if you don't mind. Huh? I don't like uni. So what was your first course out of this?

44:14Let's say six pieces of sushi. What are you going to give me? Oh, that's good. Okay, here we go. Make the genie work. He doesn't do anything.

44:21James Acaster: get your Hell's Kitchen from Sticks and Sushi I don't know what that means there's a chain called Sticks and Sushi can you translate everything he says yes absolutely I have to do that for the majority of our North American guests it's a chain called Sticks and Sushi it's actually a Danish chain I think oh wow but Hell's Kitchen and it's bad I'm assuming no I like it no it's good it's good it's not authentic I would say if you got it if you got it in a Japanese restaurant you'd be like this is crazy right I've never heard someone getting a Hell's Kitchen yeah yeah that's not a thing that I've heard I've been to many sushi restaurants I've never said Sir can I have a Hell's Kitchen Is that a roll?

44:54Yeah yeah It's like Yes it is yeah What's in it?

44:57James Acaster: It's got like Like a Tempura prawn in the middle Tempura prawn Tempura prawn in the middle And then Tudor on the top And some little kind of Sauce on the top Some little kind of sauce on the top Like It's very nice Rice It is very nice Rice Oh very nice rice I'll tell you what I would do Thank you genuinely so you have a very nice experience please so I went to Japan earlier this year for the first time he keeps name dropping all these countries he's been to this is insane this is unbelievable even the Hell's Kitchen you're like it's a Danish restaurant of course we get it you've been all over the world okay yeah so he went to Japan I went to Japan too oh my god he doesn't like he doesn't throw it in my face he gently so we're going to Japan I would love to go I was obsessed with that Jiro Dreams of Sushi documentary oh my god it made me feel like so it was amazing maybe that could be your omakasi we get you Giro we get Giro in get him in here call him on the phone ring ring ring ring I'm not falling down that trap I figured it'd just be a little woman saying hello yeah yeah you just do don't bring me out as an improv I'm constantly worried in improv that people are trying to trap me really?

46:10James Acaster: no no no I don't do it you don't do it well it's just the Ed's own brain so you know you wouldn't be worried in that situation but Ed's own brain goes be racist so in your head if you allow yourself to really go nuts you don't know what you'll say i only did improv once but we were filming a show where i was in character and the other improvisers didn't know i was a character oh like ollie g i'm good yes yes like a gentle version but what was your character uh georgie carlton georgie carlton excuse me can i talk with georgie carlton no no he's not spoken for 10 years can i hear one word can i just hear what he sounds like He just sounds like a posher version of me, really.

46:46James Acaster: Can I hear him? Yeah, that's him now. This is posher? Yeah, yeah. We did it? And let me hear you normal? Hello. And then you posh? Hello. Oh, yeah, I hear you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a subtle little taste. There's a reason I got the part, Ben. Right. It's like the salt bay of just a little bit of like... Yeah, okay. God, I love that guy. But I was very good at fucking up an improv show. Okay. Saying no and saying that things aren't real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would hate you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if we did improv, I bet you would have... I would take care of you and you have a great show. Thank you very much.

47:15There you go. I think you guys would be great together.

47:17James Acaster: Yeah. I'd love to do the improv show. Yeah. Great. Benchorts and friends. Let's do it. So we're going to get you Jiro to come down. This is actually great. And he can make your sushi for you. You're a macase. Do you like the sort of fancy rolls with loads of things in it or do you like the really simple? Oh, I love it. Okay. So this place called Sushi Bar in LA. It's in Encino. It's like in a little speakeasy. By the way, I very rarely get to eat at these fancy places. I'm name dropping a lot of them just because this seems like what the show is, but it's like a little speakeasy. There's seven of us.

47:46It's like so fun. And they give you, you don't, there are no utensils. They give you one piece of sushi on rice, but they put like different special sauces on it. And it's just absolutely fantastic. So I like a clean piece of fish with rice on it, but I love when they, I don't need a lot of stuff in a roll. I love when there's different sauces or if they like heat up something or something like that. I love that stuff, but I don't need like 20 things.

48:08James Acaster: let me tell you about this place that you might really like in the uk i went last week i need places for tonight tomorrow well this only happens on saturdays okay and it's in notting hill in uh it's a supermarket during the day and then they turn it into a restaurant in the evening i'm already obsessed with this i love this and you arrive it's one sitting there's like 15 of you or whatever and they go welcome they give you this little miso soup with lobster in it that's the first thing wow and then they go well the tuna's arrived and you'll go out the front of the restaurant and there's a van out there oh i've heard of this yeah and they open the back and a whole bluefin tuna bring it in i've seen video of this on the internet it's slid onto a stretcher and they wheel it's very it feels very weird fresh right off the thing right you can scoop off the thing and did it last week yeah and how was it he sent me a photo he sent me a photo of it it looked like he'd gone to some illegal underground yes the videos are insane it's called tuna fight club no it's not yeah it's called well that is why it's called that and was the tuna like incredible?

49:04it was incredible I'd be scared to eat it that like I know that it's uncooked but the idea of scooping it off they scoop it off the thing

49:10James Acaster: and just put it straight in a piece of nori and then brush some soy sauce over the top and then straight in and that's basically your first course and was it different than anything? it was just so fresh it was mad I mean it feels weird because you're all stood around it looks like you're watching an autopsy I can't see the thing that I'm eating I can't see the thing that I'm eating I can't see like if you show me a picture of a cow and then like point to what I'm eating and I'm eating this I can't do it like I went to a fancy restaurant that had like a like the chicken leg was still like the claw was still there I was like oh I then now I know what this whole thing is it's too much for me you have to I have to remove that part so what's happening in your head when you're eating the food when you can't see it then are you like this is different oh my god it's from I don't know where it's from it could be from anywhere I don't even know chicken where is this get where does this come from this is crazy just appeared on my plate braised yeah yeah the photo that Ed sent me of tuna fight club was like they had like you know knocked out a cow and just had it on a gurney.

50:04James Acaster: Yeah. Too scary. And some absolute thug was walking around it just scooping bits off the cow and giving it to people and going, there's your burger. The thing is, it was delicious, but it does make you go, oh, this is fucked. Tough. This whole thing is fucked. What else do you eat? Or is it now they cut the tuna and you eat different versions of it? It's like a whole tasting menu and you just get loads of food. With that one big tuna. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. And you get loads of the really fatty bits. Do people, when you go and eat, this is a real question, I know that you're humble people and you won't talk about this but when you go to restaurants and they know you do this podcast, do you get treated a little bit differently in restaurants because they know you'll probably talk about them?

50:37Sometimes. Give me an example of the most crazy version of that.

50:40James Acaster: I can always tell a little bit when they ask at the top if you want still a sparkling water you see a little glint in their eye. That's every restaurant says that. Yeah. They'll do it in a certain way. So you can tell if they don't listen to the podcast. Give it to me in the special one. They don't listen to the podcast, right? Do you want still a sparkling water at the top? Okay. That's normal. They don't know who you are. This is if they listen to the podcast. Do you want still a sparkling water? For podcast listeners, you can't see, but there was tongues and cheeks. It was really good. Yeah, yeah.

51:10That was really good. Yeah, yeah. I get it. Okay. Okay. This person knows.

51:15James Acaster: And then they might, you know, we spoke about it on the podcast before. They might send over an extra little dish or something. This is very nice. Will they ever pay for your meal? Sometimes they'll try to. Sometimes they're a restaurant that we have shouted out on the podcast. will invite us. And then you might go in and then have to kind of, you know, wrestle with them to let you pay. Right. Very excited. Because we liked, but I'm sure you're the same. He means it as well. He wrestles with them. Yeah, I'll be like, get on the floor. We're wrestling. Wow. So ASMR and wrestling with random waiters are like your two things.

51:47But it's ASMR wrestling as well. ASMR wrestling is very quiet wrestling. Very quiet wrestling.

51:50James Acaster: You both sit on the floor and just whisper what you would do to each other if you were wrestling. Oh, that's great. I got you in a headlock. That's great. I got you in a headlock. That's really cute. I like that a lot actually it's a Stone Cold Stunner wow you went from a regular headlock to a full WWF move yeah that's a short match as well yeah by the way we're done because no one's kicking out the stunner no that's it what happens after the stunner that's a protected move yeah that's true once you're that's it that's your finishing move that's your finish him in Mortal Kombat would you like to do a Stone Cold Stunner on Stone Cold Steve Austin is this what the show is that's a valid question because James asked that question you know what I wouldn't, I wouldn't, but I would love to, I would love to perform a finishing move in a wrestling match.

52:32I feel like that'd be, and have it, and be able to name it, and, and like establish it as, there is something, when, one of the things that, you know, like how wrestlers, when they come out, they come out to the same song. And so you'll hear it, like, did you guys watch wrestling when you were younger? Yes, I know. Okay, so like, when the Undertaker, and now, of course. Of course. I did a movie with John Cena, and I got to ask him all these questions about wrestling, which was so fun. But, so like, when The Undertaker comes out, the first thing is, and like, if you watch one of those matches, is the second that first the first note of the bell comes out the crowd goes fucking crazy and so i love the idea of training uh you know people's brains to be like when you hear the song whatever so for improv we always pick the same intro song to come out to i don't know if you do that when you guys come out so i have like the same song and different groups have different songs because i love the idea like when you hear this song oh we're gonna get these people about to come out nice and i got that from wrestling i was like oh how do you have a sound effect so then the song

53:22James Acaster: kicks in. No, just the song starts. Because the sound effects are like The Undertaker, obviously. Yeah. Stone Cold Steve Austin has glass smashing. Oh yeah, that's true. So they go wild for it. You can have the sound effects. What does The Rock have? If you smell what The Rock is cooking, it's just him shouting it. Of course. Right? That'll work for ASMR. Yeah. But it's a different, it's different music How many other ones can we think of? What did, what did, Jake DiBiase? No, that's not his name. Ted DiBiase. Did you say that? What did he have? It's just music, but it's just recognizable music.

53:51James Acaster: Yeah. There's no noise. It's exciting. What's the theme song to this? Can you sing it? Off menu, get ready to eat some food. Whoa, Ben Schwartz is coming on one day. Oh, it's this day. So your theme song always talks about me and today's the day that it pays off? So we're going to have to change it now. Oh my God. Now you've got to change it to Ben Schwartz was on here. Yeah, that's great. I love that. Yeah, pretty good. Did you guys sing the theme song? Yeah. Wow. Spare no expense. Yeah, I sang it. Ed didn't want to sing it because he was afraid that if he had to improvise lyrics he'd be racist.

54:24James Acaster: I heard the first take of Ed's version was very un-PC. You would get cancelled in a hurry. In a hurry you would get cancelled. By me. Yeah, of course. I try to cancel Ed many times. You want to be solo. We know. You've been trying to get solo for years. Imagine this solo. Yeah, yeah. Imagine this without the translator here. It'd be tough. It would just be a genie. It'd just be mayhem. Yeah. Imagine the UN without translators. Yeah, it'd be impossible. Just people yelling at different languages. The world would have been on fire within seconds. People are making points, but nobody can understand each other.

54:55Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I get it. Thank God you're here. Yeah, you're welcome. Hey, it's Paige from Giggly Squad. Summer gave your home a workout. Cookouts, long weekends, probably at-home improvement lists that never quite got finished. And now it's fall's turn, and Lowe's is making the changeover easy with their Labor Day deals. Right now, save up to 45 % off select major appliances. So if something's been on your list, this is the time. Doing laundry? You can save an extra$100 on select laundry pairs. And if you're getting the yard ready for fall, head over and grab three bags of Miracle-Gro 0.75 cubic foot garden soil for just$10.

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56:40Your dream side dish. That's where Khan comes in. I wrote it down. Okay, so side dish is crispy okra from Khan in Portland. That's where, okay, so Khan is, I think it's a Haitian menu, but it was like one of those other things also where when we ate there, after we ate there, we're like, oh my God, this is, we'll say, I'll say top five meal, but I have like 100 places I say for, but I'll say top five. This is one of my favorite meals I've ever eaten in my life. But I also think part of the fun is like the people you're around and stuff like that. but that especially that side dish was amazing and I never really had okra before it was amazing I love it especially that crispy Jim Karner here

57:14James Acaster: for a while did a crispy okra and I so good was so yeah so addicted to it and then went once and it wasn't on the menu anymore and I very did the kind of like sad do you not do it anymore? and then? they bought it out wow that's the sort of privilege this podcast gets here you invent you invent demands they didn't know who I was I was with someone more famous who were the person you were? Giro Was he dreaming of sushi? He was. Are you serious? They brought him some sushi out. Oh, that's smart. He went, excuse me, I'm dreaming of sushi. Jesse J, Taylor Swift. And it sounded a little something like this.

57:49Hi, hi, hi, hi, Jiro. Hey. That's kind of how it went, right? All of the Spice Girls? All the Spice Girls are there. Do you want to hear them? Yeah. Tell me which one I am. Ready? Spooly. Sorry. That was right. You've got to wait. You've got to wait. You've got to wait. You got to wait. You got to wait. Are you ready? I'm going to say hi as each Spice Club. Tell me which one. Ready? Hi. Baby. Correct. Ready? Hi. Posh. Correct. Ready? Hi. Jerry Halliwell. Correct. Last one. Hi. Scary. There you go. Yeah. Are we missing any? Sporty. Hi. Hi. God, they're all here. Big Spice Girls fans. Were you growing up?

58:27Yeah. Were you?

58:28James Acaster: Were boy bands big here? Yeah, yeah. Where were your boy bands? I mean... We had all the American ones, obviously. We had NSYNC and people like that, but there's also Boyzone here. Boyzone, I've heard of Boyzone. Boyzone, Westlife. A lot of Irish boy bands here. Oh, wow. Are both of you from? Where did you grow up? I'm from a town called Ketvin in the middle of the country, England. London. Wow. London. London, born and bred. Yeah. Wow. But Wimbledon, so... Is that a fancy part of London? Fancy part of London, I'd say. Did you go to Wimbledon quite a bit? No, never went to the tennis tournament.

58:58James Acaster: Really? Yeah, lived down the road. We should get him over there. We should get him over there. can't believe you've not been you'd love the strawberries and cream you're a foodie yeah I love strawberries and cream you'd probably be racist on the court though yeah that would be a shame that would be game over for you no it'd fit in is that true have you seen that place no is it they make out like a commoner okay now you can't go to Wimbledon you just screwed that up for yourself I'm not shitting on it I want to go to Wimbledon Wimbledon's like full of people from Saltburn I haven't seen Saltburn I just know he drinks bath water is that the whole thing well the bath water is the least of his issues That's not the headline?

59:31James Acaster: No. I'd say in that mouthful, the bathwater is the thing that most people would be okay with. What happens in the bath? He drinks a guy's jizz out of the bath. Is that true? Yeah, that's why it's... The bathwater is like, oh, that's a bit weird. This is so different. But he sucks all the jizz out of the plug hole. So someone just told you... This is 100 % the show. This is 100 % the show. Yeah. You just said sucking the jizz out of the bathwater. The plug hole. So that means it's floating? you kind of don't see it floating it's more inferred it's classy you know it's in there it's classy oh okay okay so if we add him on the podcast you want to give him a call bring bring bring bring

1:00:14sorry that wasn't even me doing anything that was you were getting hard again

1:00:17James Acaster: I mean we haven't asked you your dream drink yet and then it's time to change it if you want you know what's funny when I go when I go out in England I really if I have a chance to I try to have some jizz bath water I

1:00:33I usually get a gin and tonic when I'm here because it feels like what I'm supposed to get a refreshing gin and tonic. Yeah, gin and tonic. I don't know why. A gin and tonic. Or an old-fashioned. I like an old-fashioned. But what I usually do is I look at old-fashioned jizz, of course. This is what the show is. Old-fashioned bathwater jizz. Out of a jug where you go, bathroom, you know how you make bathroom whiskey? That's bathtub jizz. I also oftentimes like to look at a cocktail list and find like, I like a fruity beverage with a lot of fruit and stuff like that. We both decided to leave cocktails too easy.

1:01:05It's too easy. I know. I try to help you guys out. So you are a cocktail guy. I like a cocktail, but I don't drink very much. Yeah. But I'll have a cocktail. Last night we had a cocktail after dinner. What did you have? I don't even know. It had charcoal in it. What the fuck? I don't know. It was like some, it had like, I like like, it had ginger beer. It had some like two spirits in it. I like a little beverage that tastes sweet nice you got a sweet tooth? yeah love dessert great can't wait we're not there yet

1:01:32James Acaster: no but I'm a big dessert fan oh really? it's nice for me to know that I love a dessert that we're heading to a good place oh my god James likes to feel safe to know that the guest is going to pick something sweet for dessert I don't trust people who don't eat dessert yeah me too do you eat dessert Ed? no I do eat dessert sometimes he gets cheese and biscuits instead of a proper dessert that's not dessert yeah exactly I don't think that's true it's in the space where dessert would be No, it's a fake to make you feel good about yourself. Because I agree that it's not dessert. I never feel good about myself afterwards.

1:01:59James Acaster: Is that true? Then why do you get it? Well, it's delicious. If you're going to be naughty, what are you going to get? I mean, cheese is not well behaved. Oh my God, that's you being crazy? Cheese is not well behaved, Ben. How sharp is that cheddar? It gets pretty sharp and you can get creamy. Do you like a smelly cheese? I love a smelly cheese. You got to try this bathwater stuff. You're going to love it. Shut that. No, I get dessert as well. Barely. He's not involved yet, right? He doesn't barely That is barely around for this Yeah Are you embarrassed When everybody gets dessert No This is a real question No you're fine What if I get cheese And everyone gets dessert Or like everybody's gonna get dessert You're like Ugh Now I gotta tell everybody I don't get dessert No Because sometimes I do get dessert Or sometimes I'll get like I'll get an espresso martini Instead of dessert That's not dessert That's a beverage But he loves it It's sweet It's thick It's bathwater He loves it When everyone's got dessert And he's there with a cheese board He feels like Right you feel better Of course Henry the Ape's the king Yeah yeah Oh yeah And then you feel like you didn't gain as much weight as everybody else.

1:02:54James Acaster: No, no, no. It's not like you didn't cheese. Have you eaten cheese? Come on. I guess there's a bunch of fat in there. It's luxurious. Are you afraid that big cheese is going to take you down? You're really defending cheese. Shout out to cheese. Shout out to cheese. See if you've got some free samples or something. Shout out to cheese. I'd love some free samples of cheese. Yeah. Your dream drink will come at the end of the meal. Probably. Or I get a drink at the beginning and then I'll finish near the end. So what would you like at the beginning? What would you like at the end? I'd probably take an old fashioned and then a gin and tonic to end.

1:03:19But I usually like to look at other people's cocktail lists and the funny names and I'll pick like a fun cocktail or tequila drink I love a little margarita every now. Yeah margarita. Come on Come on. Oh, yeah, are we not having fun? Well, you're when you're are you not entertained? Great. Does it say in Gladiator 2 as well? I don't know. I hope maybe they are surely They don't doesn't say it. Say any of a catchphrases smoking. I think he says smoking I said I'm almost certain that Pedro Pascal says somebody stop me I think I'm not 100 % sure

1:03:53James Acaster: I mean it would truly be my favourite if that happened it'd be great if they're all just saying like Jim Carrey catchphrases it'd be great Denzel's like alright then it'd be great out of his asshole it'd be great I'm still great I almost wonder what if you know why the gladiator's on fire it'd be great it'd be fantastic because there's like animals in gladiator 2 like right big wild animals I don't know I haven't seen it I can't wait to see it apparently crawling out of a rhino's butthole at the beginning. Kind of hot in these rhinos. One of my favorite lines to write Jim Carrey. The other one, one of my favorite lines also, Jim Carrey, who's in Sonic, one of my favorite lines in any movie is in Dumb and Dumber, the beat when he's still the limo driver and he's just dropped off the, was it Swanson?

1:04:39No, what's her name in it? Yeah, Mary Swanson. And he's driving and he looks and he goes, goodbye, my love! and then he gets her an accident yeah goodbye my love and then he gets her an accident goodbye my love is one of my favorite like not famous Jim Carrey lines I love him so much and also the other one in Dumb and Dumber is our pets heads are falling off we were talking

1:05:02James Acaster: before you got here about Dumb and Dumber oh two guns he threw out two guns James threw out two guns you can see that you can see that in this camera two guns James all right let's see what happened we were saying that we so Benito was on a flight recently this is Benito Ben is Benito there Ben and he watched Dumb and Dumb with the sound off was it so amazing and could because he knows it off by heart Ben's got the sound off yeah so he was able to just like that's what I do with the citizens because he's watched it so many times yeah and we were saying that we think we could do that as well I used to be able to I don't think I could do it now but me and my friend could do the whole film to each other it's a top five movie for me of all time it's a real stunner I think it might be my favourite comedy and one of my favourite movies Back to the Future is my favourite movie and I think Dumb and Dumb would be right after it.

1:05:45Yeah.

1:05:46James Acaster: I think we might have a similar top five. Those two are certainly in there. Okay, ready? Now I'm under pressure because I want to get it right. Yours is probably American History X. Face value. Oh, no. I was going to have to cut all that stuff to build up, but that was a really good callback. Never seen the last 10 minutes. Yeah, no, no, no. Mine is Back to the Future. I think Back to the Future, for me, is the best movie ever made. For me. It hit me at a time where I was like, this is what movies are? And I got so excited. Shawshank Redemption is in my top five. Yes, great. I'm not going to throw you any curveball.

1:06:15I feel like, you know, when people do Letterboxd, they're like, there's a French film that you've never heard about. A tiny tack inside a young woman's shoe. And it's filmed just in black and white. It's the POV of the tack. And I'm like, I literally, if we have to do that for Sonic, mine is going to be Back to the Future, Shawshank Redemption, Dumb and Dumber.

1:06:33James Acaster: Is that going to be you in the Criterion closet desperately searching the shelves going, fucking I was Dumb and Dumb and Dumber. Do you guys have Big Daddy? I'm looking through the bees. Big Trouble in Little China, I see. What are the other ones? I would do an animated movie, either Up or Aladdin, probably. One of those two. And then what would be my fifth? There has to be a great one. I'll figure it out. There's a lot of movies now that I'll re-watch now. Jurassic Park, I still think, is one of the best movies. Big, one of the best movies ever. That is an honest top five. Singing in the Rain, one of the best movies.

1:07:07That is just straight down the line. I'm not trying to impress you with that I've seen a French film. I've seen a few of them. But yeah, what are your top, or give me the top three then. Five is too hard. I think I did, I did the Letterboxd thing once. Oh great. I said Spinal Tap. A great movie. You know they made a sequel? Yes,

1:07:24James Acaster: they made a sequel. Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing that. Can't wait. I said Eternal Sunshine. Oh, unbelievable movie. You definitely did one that you're ashamed of. School of Rock. I know, I would have done, oh fuck it, I should have said School of Rock. Yeah, School of Rock's in my top. It's a perfect film. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:07:42movies in a row streaks ever and eclectic it was like Spinal Tap then it was Princess Bride then it was like Harry Sally Few Good Men American President Misery all different genres all incredible films I don't think any other filmmaker has done in a row such an eclectic although I guess Spielberg did like Schindler's List and Jurassic Park in the same year that's crazy isn't it can you imagine that your dad can't even drink water isn't that insane Spielberg did Schindler's List and Jurassic Park in the same year and your dad can't drink water without plugging up his nose. Isn't that insane? They're two very different men.

1:08:18Spielberg and my dad.

1:08:19James Acaster: They both have different strengths. Who knows? Do you think Spielberg ever got it mixed up in his head which film he was directing? Yeah, I think there must be moments, of course. Dolph Lundgren? Was Dolph Lundgren in Schindler's List? I forget. Yeah, yeah. It was off screen. They talked about him a lot, I think. The Dolph, you said? The Dolph. The Dolph. The Dolph. Okay. Wait, what's your three? So you said one of the three. I think if we're going, yeah, Back to the Future, Dumb and Dumber, and School of Rock would be a very sensible top three for me to say right now. Why would my dad survive quite long in Jurassic Park, though?

1:08:52James Acaster: Oh, good question. Okay, why would James' father survive quite long in Jurassic Park? Yeah, yeah. Okay, not a lot of drinking water, I guess. Yes, exactly. Oh, because the water shakes? Is that weird? So if he's not drinking the water, he can see whenever the dinosaurs come. Everyone else is drinking the water. So he constantly has... It's like Sines, the movie Sines. Where there's like the constantly full glasses of water everywhere. So he can always do it with the dinosaurs. That's a great line. Everyone else. Man, that's a slow burn, but when you get it, that's unbelievable. Have you considered he might be one of the aliens from Sines?

1:09:31James Acaster: That's why he's so afraid of water. That could be constant in the water. Yeah, yeah. Also, he must not be able to watch Salt Burn. There's too much water in that fucking movie. He would be like, get rid of that water, just give me the jizz. Cut the chaser. No chaser. No chaser. Just give me that creamy white. I can't wait for the chat after this episode where you're going to have to cut that bit. No, we're leaving it all in and I'm looking forward to the text messages from my mother who listens to every episode. I haven't met either one of your parents but I'm assuming they're wonderful people.

1:09:56They are. Do you want to call your dad on the phone real quick? Yeah. Big ring. Hi, hello. It's me, Dan.

1:10:05We arrive at your dream dessert, Ben. Oh, this is easy. I love a classic sundae, ice cream sundae. I want either cookies and cream ice cream or vanilla ice cream. I want chocolate syrup. I want marshmallow syrupy thing. I want a cherry on top. I want nuts. I'm lactose intolerant and it is one of my favorite things to eat even then. Do you take a little pill? I don't. I just get punished. I'm punished. I'm destroyed afterwards. Are you eating it on the toilet? Yes. There's no middleman. It goes down. It's like an x-ray of watching the food.

1:10:35James Acaster: No middleman would just be tipping the whole thing down the toilet. That's correct. That's just throwing it in there. You're right. You are the middleman. I am the middle man aren't we all middle men we are do you know what I mean 2025 we're all vessels for you know but I think that would that would probably be it that's delicious I mean I always feel quite nostalgic ice cream sundaes it makes me feel remember when you were a kid you're excited I love it same a lot of dishes it's almost like a ratatouille you know when he eats the ratatouille he's like that's what cheeseburgers are to me that's what all those a lot of those dishes just bring me back because when I was younger we didn't go out to eat very often and now that I'm able to do it a little bit more it's like me having new experiences these tasting menus or anything like that is such a new thing.

1:11:12I didn't try sushi till I was like almost graduated college. And I was like, what is this? And then slowly, you know, when you start off as comedians, you have no money. So I'm eating fast food all the time or pizza from New York all the time. And then slowly when I was able to afford real meals that whatever, then that's why it's like still new and exciting. Anytime we go to these restaurants and stuff like that. That's why I want to try them out while I can.

1:11:33James Acaster: How do you feel about like crazy Sundays? You know, when they like go completely over the top, there's like the freak shakes and all of that stuff. Oh, too much. I know. It's all like spilling over the sides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, I don't love a mess. I don't need it to be a mess. Yeah. But I love having a sip of that, but can't do it. If it's too much going on, I feel like I'm not tasting it. That's why with a sundae, I get to choose. I put my spoon and I'm really choosing how much of each ingredient I want. Heaven. Are you a banana split fan? Not really. I love bananas. Don't love a banana split.

1:12:00What do we think about that?

1:12:01James Acaster: It's curious. You just like the purity of the banana, I guess. Oh, yeah. I just don't want anybody to hurt that banana. I love banana. but a little treat that we do when we're filming is banana with peanut butter and honey that's one of my little treats when we're filming I'm trying not to eat too much and get too bloated when we say we it sounds like someone's making that for you just like me The Rock your dad Charlie XOX Jesse J Katy Perry Charlie XCX Taylor Taylor Swift there you go you want to end by doing an improv scene? yeah that's the right thing to say isn't it? you have to say yes well is there more before I know you asked a question The two of you are in an ice cream parlor.

1:12:39Well, you can't set it up. What? Isn't that how you do it? That's short form. Give me any word and I'll start off. Hang on, are we not doing short form?

1:12:47James Acaster: We're doing... No, I only do long form. Yeah, okay. But we'll do a scene. We used to do an improv thing when we did the off-menu tour where it's Shrek prov where James tends to be Shrek and then I get suggestions from the audience and he has the improv scene of Shrek. Yes. Okay. But that was normally ended with Shrek wanking, right? Yeah, every time. That's on you though, right? What kind of a mood is Shrek in? And they would say horny every time. But can't you say, well, we want, give me a different one. No, because I'm in control. So you always make me jerk off as you. Yeah. Yeah, I've always got to be Shrek.

1:13:17James Acaster: Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable. I'm sorry, you guys are doing an improv scene. We don't have to. I'm up for it, Ben. Okay, so what I do in my shows, we do improv for an hour and a half on stage, me and three people. We won't do it here. But basically what happens is I interview an audience member. I just ask someone, what's the most exciting day or night of your life? and they tell me a story about the most exciting day in our life and we use that as inspiration to make an hour and a half show. Wow. But anyway, so we wouldn't ask for like, give me a place, whatever. We just wanted to talk to you, learn about that person or learn about that story and go.

1:13:47So for you and I, if you want to do a scene for real, do you want to do a scene? Oh, you're saying for real. I was deliberately going to ruin it immediately.

1:13:54James Acaster: You can't ruin it. Do you want to try one? You got to do it. Do you want to try one? Yeah, yeah. Don't try to say no to it. Like when we're in it, don't make it bad on purpose. Okay. okay yeah so james give us uh i guess or just like tell me us to tell me something tell me something interesting that's happened to you in the past couple days uh anything that that felt a little unique in the past few days unique yeah or interesting or fun or anything because this is one thing i went to see a band last night play uh which band you see great super milk super milk and then are you big fans what type of music is super milk they're a rock band like a punk rock band and I've only just bought their album.

1:14:33James Acaster: Very catchy punk music. Ed's wife is in the band. Is that true? That's true. Wait, hold up. So your wife is in the band? So you were at that concert as well? I was. Is that going to make the improv scene harder? No, it's going to make it easier. That's going to be incredible. And the security guard, there's a problem at the gig. Oh shit, here we go. Keep going. Never mind, James. Keep going. The security guard kept on IDing everyone, even though everyone was clearly over 40. I was going to make it about something else, but we can just make it about that. instead of putting your wife in this improv, which is probably weird for you.

1:15:01Yeah, yeah. Can I see your ID, please?

1:15:04James Acaster: Sorry, I don't carry. You don't carry it? No. I suppose when you're 21 years old. Well, I've never really been asked that before because I look awful. What are you talking about? You look awful. You look beaten up and ruined. I don't know how old you could be. I had this 10-year-old kid try to come in the other day. It was two 10-year-olds in a trench coat try to come in here. They looked awful. Let me see your ID. Well, I'm not two 10-year-olds. Can I just leap in here now? is Ed constantly refusing to show you his idea problem? No, he's saying yes to the game. Is he saying yes? In my head, he's saying yes to the game.

1:15:36Okay, yeah, carry on. In my head, he's saying yes to the game. Because if I just show the idea,

1:15:38James Acaster: then that's the end of the game, right? Could be. I'd find a way to keep you there. Either way, I'd keep you in the scene. Absolutely. But this is great. Now, the game of the scene, in my head, the game of the scene is that he can't show me identification. He's going to keep trying to get in any way he can, and I'm going to keep trying to get it. So we can play this game for maybe 20 minutes. Ben's saying there's four minutes. Oh, we only have four minutes. Oh, I can't throw this in there. Don't you guys have to ask a question at the end? Do the audience members normally get involved and say, is this going to be a problem for the scene?

1:16:05James Acaster: Especially when you were doing something well. I didn't feel like he was. James just wanted to be involved in the scene. Both of you feel horny, by the way. Sorry, your ID, the picture in your ID, it looks really fucking hot. My God, it says likes, dislikes, water, bathwater with jizz in it. Is that what you want, James? Yeah. We just start fucking. Yeah. Carry on. ASMR ASM improv is a good idea ASM improv is great you can do a couple of hours of that can we get a suggestion please good I heard I heard church hello priest how are you not very well how are you oh my god I'm doing so fucking well that's good I think that works really well just only four minutes what do we do with the last three minutes I'll read you back to the menu you're going to tell me how you feel about it is there a question that you ask no I think I've asked a few There's the whole menu stuff Yep You would like Stillwater James You would like a bread platter James Your starter You want sweet corn ravioli from Kappa There you go You can't believe in yourself Amakase made by Giro Yes Yeah No uni Side dish Crispy okra Correct From Kahn in Portland K-A-A-N Great place Drink An old fashioned At the beginning A gin and tonic at the end Great Dessert A classic ice cream sundae Yes That sounds very nice It's a very clean menu.

1:17:26James Acaster: Thanks, guys. I think because you were worried before that with big meals, you're coming out feeling bloated and full. I think you've saved yourself a dessert there and you've given yourself the option to feel like that after. Exactly. I gave myself the gift of feeling comfortable. I love a walk after a meal too. Nice. Love a walk after a meal. Yeah. One time I was in Vancouver and I was with a chef and I was going to eat at his restaurant. He was a lovely guy. And he said, meet me 40 minutes before. I want to talk to you about stuff. I was like, okay. And we walked for 40 minutes around the, we were in Vancouver around this huge seawall.

1:18:00And then we walked to his restaurant and we were like tired. And he's like, the food's going to taste better. And I go, what do you mean? He goes, because we just walked for that long and you're thirsty and you're hungry, the food's going to taste even better. And he was right. Food tasted so good. So he's like purposefully made me walk a bunch beforehand to get ready for the meal. But I always love after a meal to walk. And it always makes me feel better whenever I walk after a meal.

1:18:21James Acaster: Do you think, was he like, so sit down, enjoy the meal. I've got like eight more tables booked in. So I'm going to have to go on. I'm walking all day. I'm getting my steps in today. He's not cooking nothing. Yeah, he never cooked. I didn't eat anything. Yeah. I just had an empty plate. The most ripped calves you've ever seen. Yeah, it was incredible. It was like Popeye calves. It's crazy. Shout out Popeye. Hey, shout out Popeye. By the way, while we're here, shout out Bluto. Shout out olive oil. Shout out Popeye. Popeye is a type of shitting Popeye. You know what I mean? He's allergic to spinach.

1:18:53James Acaster: he's alerting to spinach it's crazy uh thank you so much for coming on ben a pleasure delicious menu very very good delicious conversation oh uh beyond delicious it tasted even better because we walked here you've not noticed every time we said anything to each other i was whispering yummy under my breath oh yeah you kept saying i didn't understand what you were doing it was really yummy yeah okay that was really good all right great and this is the podcast this is the podcast

1:19:22James Acaster: well there we are what a brilliant episode James oh thank you Ben for coming on the podcast and making us feel I mean I think you know it's early in the morning and um I just feel much more rejuvenated yeah he's got a wonderful energy he does he's got a fantastic energy couldn't keep up oh you were floundering man and you're gonna get a lot of tweets but how you couldn't keep up yeah I don't really go on Twitter so that's fine Instagram him is that what people do? Instagram Ed and tell him how much you floundered just say you didn't keep up Papa James please don't do that even though I know it's set up it'll still make me feel bad he's a person with feelings thanks so much to Ben keep an eye out for DNA keep an eye out for Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice and if you get a chance to go and see Ben Schwartz and friends you must go to the cinema, watch Sonic 3 yeah and you know what just treat yourself to Ben's entire back catalogue there's plenty of stuff out there you can become a Ben Schwartz stan yes of course if you're not already of course yes I think you might be especially after that episode yeah great menu great chat very funny great impressions great impressions such good impressions really good and he didn't say portknuckle either which we really appreciate because we only have had to kick him out and that would have been a shame thanks for that Ben And thank you for trying to get Benito to speak and we apologise that it didn't pan out.

1:20:48James Acaster: Yeah, it's the first time a guest has ever held the mic up to Benito. Repeatedly. Multiple times. Three or four times. Like a reporter at a press conference. Moving it over to him. And sadly, because of the way Benito has set up the few cameras in this room, none of them have pointed at himself. So, yeah, there will be footage of that, but you will just see the mic go out of frame and then come back in again. and it never works never works you will never speak thank you for listening to the Off Menu Podcast we will be back next week bye bye

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1:24:04Thank you.

1:24:42Thank you.