Best of 2025: Part 1

0:12Welcome listeners to the Dream Restaurant. Welcome, listeners, to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. It's nearly the end of 2025, and it's time for our annual Best of Year episodes, featuring all of our favourite clips from the last 12 months of Off Menu. As usual, we will be reading the scripts that Benito has written verbatim, including this bit. But in an unusual twist, this year he's written this while very ill, and hopped up on Lemsip. So who knows whether any of it makes sense? Yes, apparently we've released 47 episodes in 2025, but Benito could have added that up wrong.

0:46Anyway, welcome to part one of our favourite clips of the year. And Benito, you motherfucker, you didn't even write that I'm ill as well. Putting all the illness on you, I've also dragged myself out of bed to do this. We must have different scripts, Ed, that's not in my one. Oh yeah, well I've got a different one, I'm on the Google Doc. Still all sparkling, that's the question. We always start with still all sparkling water in the dream restaurant and that's how we're kicking off our best of clips. After over 300 episodes, we're still amazed at the response to this question. My name's the Great Benito.

1:14I'm a silly little lad. Here are clips from Daisy Ridley, Emily Campbell, Sally Phillips, James Norton, Rhys James, Kunaan Ayer and Rod Gilbert. We always start with still a sparkling water, Daisy. Do you have a preference? Still, please. Very, very to the point. I struggle to understand sparkling water. You struggle to understand it. Yeah. You can't even conceive of it. Like, I have a few sips, but it's one of those things that when people are just having glass after glass, I think, oh, it's just like a, it's not for me. No. Yeah, that many glasses is kind of crazy. I think if you're having more than one glass of sparkling water, then that is quite psychotic.

1:52I'll glug it. Yeah, that's so strange. If it's mixed with something, like I'm a big fan of a fizzy elderflower. So if you've got elderflower cordial in there, chug away, but not by itself. Chug away at the elderflower cordial. What is it about? Because I've never been able to get on with elderflower cordial. Really? But I would say my mum, my sister, my partner, all huge fans. So I clearly... You're trying to make this a gender thing? Oh, dear. Oh, no, I've done it. I didn't even realise. Yeah. What you're saying there is... I'm making it a gender thing. You ladies love elderflower. That's what you're trying to say.

2:25Why do the ladies love elderflower? I don't know why the ladies plural do, but I love it. I gave up fizzy drinks years ago for Lent, so I never really went back to the big brands. I don't know if you're allowed to say it on here, the Cokes and what have you. but for whatever reason because my mum likes elderflower so I think I took it from her maybe it is a gender any fellas who like elderflower tweet the podcast tweet tweet is so outdated don't do that any fellas who like elderflower I'll have an elderflower I like an elderflower with fizzy water cancel the tweets it's been disproven already Yeah, yeah.

3:08What else have you given up for Lent in the past? I think I tried to give up chocolate. That didn't happen. Glad to hear it. That was the only thing, fizzy drinks, and I really stuck to it. That's the only one that's got completely, you did it? Did it. I remember talking to my gran at the time, and I said, oh, do you give up anything? And she was a Christian. Yeah. And she said, you get to my age, and you don't need to give anything up. She said, I have my pleasures, and that's what I like, you know? Yeah. And I thought that was quite lovely. I think if my gran said to me, I have my pleasures, I know the way I said it.

3:40Oh, God. She didn't say it like that. And I really apologise for how that's happened. I'm giving up visiting you for Lent, man. I'm never coming here again. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, dear. No, but that's nice. Once you get to that age, you're just like, no way. Yeah. Why would I do that? Why would I sort of weirdly punish myself? Yeah. And then actually someone said something about taking up something is quite a lovely thing to do. Smoking for Lent. But I didn't do that. Yeah. That's anti-Jesus, isn't it? Yeah, he wasn't taking up anything in the desert. Is that what it was? I don't know. Is it in the desert?

4:14I think it's like he goes in the desert, doesn't he? He's in the desert for ages and then he comes out on Pancake Day or something. No! Pancake Day was this week. Pancake Day's been... Yeah. So Pancake Day kicks off Lent. He had pancakes before he went in the desert to give him enough energy. Pancake Day cleared out all of the cupboards of people who were about to embark on Lent. I do know that. So he had a pancake, went into the desert and didn't have any fizzy drinks while he was there. Correct? Certainly not elderflower. Then at the end he went, I have my pleasures. He said to one of the people writing the Bible, write this down.

4:48Yeah. I have my pleasures. I have my pleasures. Oh my God. I could have done it. Yeah. Write that in the Bible. The guy following him around writing the Bible. Yeah. There was a few of them, weren't there? Four of them at least. The main guys. Yeah. Writing a lot of it. Yeah. Have your grandmother ever told you this stuff? She must have. Oh, my God. I'm so mortified at how I express my grandmother's sentiments. Yes. You made her sound like a pal. Oh, God. Yes. But please don't ask us to edit it out, though, because it was funny. And you come across fine. We all start with still a sparkling water.

5:27Still water. If you drink sparkling water, you're a psychopath. Yeah. Standard. It's not nice. you can't convince anybody that it's nice it's just not we have a lot of guests on this that absolutely love sparkling water bless them are they all psychopaths yeah absolutely or they're just doing it to please their friends or something it's not nice also I think any time we do have people who are like sports people or whatever they choose still water because they're not drinking sparkling and going and exercising because you've got to drink a lot of water as well yeah absolutely I mean I'm not going to front water in general is just not the nicest really like I'm one of those like I'm a squash person yeah like I've got those little like travel ones and you know I'd rather drink squash than drink water water's just boring isn't it it's just there for hydration we'll let you have squash as your water course if you want yeah would you oh that's great yeah I love like like an orange and pineapple nice or a tropical or something along those lines yeah solid oh that's good that just got better didn't it already and do you want it in one of those squeezy little pouches is that what you're talking about the little squeezy ones Just convenient, aren't they?

6:33But, you know, any squash works. You don't want to go double strength early because you don't want it to be, like, weak. Crazy, the double strength. It is. You have to be very careful with that, you know. Because if you get a bit too, it can get a bit too much. You go to space. It's crazy. Yeah. I have my really sweet as well, apparently, because I remember once we was catching a flight and I was with a couple of the lads that we were going to an international and I said, oh, come on, finish this because I can't finish it all. And they were like, Emily, what the hell is that? Like, how much juice is in there?

7:00Are these weightlifters as well? these big boys proper big boys yeah because I travel with all the heavyweights so all the heavyweight boys I was like just finish that and they were like that is awful Emily they was like have you got half a bottle of squash in there and I was like no like I didn't even think it was that sweet because I've been drinking it my whole life you're hardcore yeah you're strong like the squash yeah that's what you gotta tell them wow you gotta go and tell those boys this squash is stronger than you guys wow I'm gonna go put that on my Hinge profile yeah

7:28it's something I've worked out about myself the other day I drink tap water all the time at home obviously but if I drink it from the bathroom tap I feel weirder about it as if it's different water than the kitchen tap but I think is it not I don't know either I know exactly what you mean it tastes more metallic from the I love the fact that we're both compressing we have both always have both but it's convenient if I'm about to go to bed and I want some water or whatever I'm going to the bathroom tap but I'm thinking but is it like it's different from the sink and the bath yeah very different from the bath well the shower the shower's the hardest one yeah yeah really gotta be under there for a while to get a good mouthful yeah there is a website mineral waters of the world you know this presumably no where they rank the different mineral waters oh wow someone's properly done it done the yeah yeah what's top well I actually printed it out because although I although I haven't Benito stop Benito stop Benito top I printed it out, yeah.

8:30I was going to look at some of this, but then I... Just realised you printed out quite a lot of stuff. A lot of stuff. Well, now I printed out some of the stuff from the supper club in place, so it was something I could remember. And I thought I'd read it in the car, but then I got car sick, so I haven't. Here we go. Top is a... Oh, I haven't got number one. Oh, yeah. Yeah, here we go. Number one. Topo Chico. Have you ever heard of that? Topo Chico. Topo Chico. Where's that from? 17 votes, doesn't say. 17? I'm guessing... 17 that's not very many in that top is it Dorner then well do you want to have a look at the thing but the only the first one I recognise is Badoa at number 6 with 40 votes what I don't know why number 1 I don't know why number 1 out of 5 it is mineral waters of the world check it it's independent yeah it's an independent thing they've done it's an independent thing yeah Sally I hate to skip ahead but I've noticed on another sheet there's a paragraph with the subheading Chinese ghosts yeah yeah this is all supper club stuff yeah did you know that Chinese ghosts the reason Chinese temples have zigzag bridges over their ponds is because Chinese ghosts can only cross water in a straight line I didn't know that I mean it's weird what sort of comes up on the podcast because we've recently had a conversation with John Kearns where we talked about Japanese ghosts not having any feet yes wow so I thought this might be where that was going yeah no but obviously not yeah they can't they have to cross water in straight lines they can zig zag on land yeah but not across water but not across water so they see that bridge and go so if you're being chased by a Chinese ghost yeah and there's only a straight bridge you're yeah you're in big trouble what part of the supper club did that relate to I just can't remember presumably that was part of the Riverside one yeah I love that it's still on the form though and you can't quite remember what I can't remember what it was yeah we haven't done one for a while like I say yeah Japanese water demons look like small naked men with a turtle shield and a water filled bowl shaped head so that is how I would like my water served yeah I would like it served inside the skull of a Japanese water demon yes they lurk in water for unsuspecting passers by and they drag them into the deep because this is a dream many years I will be immune to their charms yeah and the way you the way you escape from them is you carve your name into a cucumber and you throw it into the water.

10:56So I'll have cucumber, fizzing cucumber water from the skull of a Japanese water demon, please. Beautiful. That's very appropriate. It tastes good in the water and it subdues the demon. And it subdues the demon. Absolutely ideal. And your cucumber has your name carved into it as well? Yes, why not? Are you going to go full name Sally Phillips or just Sally? Sally Elizabeth Phillips. Sally Elizabeth Phillips. It's a long old cucumber. Yeah. My dad doesn't like water. No. Really? I feel like it's a punchline. No, that's it. he doesn't like water he told me that he has to hold his nose when he drinks water really yeah he hates it can't stand it things are disgusting what does it do to his nose oh the smell it's like he can't smell it which I I question that if you could even yeah is he drinking out of the what is he drinking what kind of the toilet he's laughing away in the bog and I don't explain why that's why he's doing if I ever catch him doing that holding his nose I'm like dad I think I know why you don't like water I've never liked water and you have to drink it out of this big white thing.

11:59I have a question that's diabetes related, but I'm worried it might be ignorant. Go on, hit the taboo, we love it. What if one day you had to change your pump and also had to change your fizzy water cartridge at the same time and you got them mixed up? That's not ignorant, James. That's a very valid question. You get this question a lot though, right? I do get this question a lot, yeah. It's never happened to me, but obviously people think about it a lot. well I guess what would happen is my pump would then become my fizzy water dispenser and anyone who came round to my house would have insulin well it would just be pure insulin so I'd probably murder all my dinner party friends and in terms of how the pump would then be intravenously pumping fizzy water into my but it's just the gas cartridge right so it'd just be pure you'd be dead we'd all be dead yeah the inspector would have to try and piece that together yeah that's a good murder mystery isn't it oh it's an accident this guy was hammered when it was time to change both things got them mixed up and then his guests arrived I think it'd be a quick murder mystery because you'd be like right they all drank this water there's fucking insulin in it it'd be very niche for all those people who didn't really know what insulin does because lots of people but it'd be more they'd have to then figure out how you had died because they'd be like okay they all drank this but this guy yeah he's over here doesn't seem to have drunk any of that but he's he's dead too I think what will be probably the big giveaway is that whilst the pump may double up as the CO2 canister and people wouldn't I would have a huge metallic metallic kind of thing sticking out of my midriff which the inspector might notice and also insulin stinks insulin stinks yes anyone who knows a diabetic smells of hospitals yeah it's really interesting the reaction that gets isn't it Yeah.

13:51It really stinks. Does it? Yeah. It smells like hospital. It smells like very chemical. Oh, I like that. But people do like it. Do you get that? I like that smell. When people complain about how hospitals smell, I don't get it. I like it. Lots of people smell the insulin and go, ooh, that makes me think of a hospital. And then other people are like, oh, that makes me think of a hospital. I guess it depends what your hospital experience was. There's good and bad things happen in those. It's true. It reminds me of my child's birth. That's nice. There you go. It reminds me of the time I died. Reminds me of my Brazilian butt lift.

14:22we always start with still the sparkling water reese do you have a preference look that i'd like still water i'm having sparkling okay what all right really you can't you got to have bubbles in a tux i'm afraid you can't walk into a restaurant like this yeah and say yeah just normal tap yeah that's true it would look weird i'm going sparkling it would look weird if you were can i both no okay sold everyone else gets it dream restaurant can have what you want yeah suddenly I I bet the secret ingredient is bread in this one by the way you're desperate to kick me out especially when I'm wearing this funny do you want both?

14:57yeah little cup of both little cup of both little cup of because San Pellegrino the green glass San Pellegrino bottle that's a classy now that's a classy bottle tennis fair to say? what it makes you think of tennis? fair to say tennis? yeah it's fair to say tennis it makes me think of tennis okay but I want a little glass of that to start and then I want to move on to the still version of San Pellegrino which I think is called if it gives you the P doesn't it? It's not Pellegrino. It's the orange logo. It's got an orange logo. It's like Pata or something like that. Well, I don't think I knew this.

15:26I don't think I knew this. It's what you would have seen it. White bottle, orange logo. Sorry, not white, clear. Yeah. Water. Water. White bottle would be mental. Really playing up to being a little kid who thinks that clear things are white. Yeah, a little white bottle. It's nice and warm. Pana. Aquapana. Aquapana. Is that the... Oh, I've seen Aquapana. Is that the same company? That is the sister drink. Of the bubbly Sam Pellegrino. Sister drink. There you go. Actually, more of an adult than we gave you credit for. Because you've seen water before. You know about the sister drinks. I know about the sister drinks.

15:59Yeah, well, we'll let you have some Aquapana and some Sam Pellegrino if you like. Brother and sister. Brother and sister. Yes, please. The whole family. Yeah, I love the brother and sister of water. Yeah. What's the mum and dad of water then? Well, I guess you will be the water daddy in that situation. If you've got both, you can call yourself. Ah, then I'm the water daddy. You can call yourself the water daddy. Yeah, but then you've got to drink your own kids. Yeah. That's weird right? Would you drink your own kids? We've never asked anyone this before. Hmm. Look I don't want kids so I guess so.

16:28If that's going to get rid of them. No harm no foul. Oh you see that as an obliteration of your children. Obliterates the kids. If I'm drinking yeah I'm drinking I'm drinking them to death presumably. That's true. Yeah. You are drinking them to death. They live on through piss. I think they live on through piss don't they? How clear is the piss? I think they're dead by the time they're piss. Rest in piss. Dead by the time they're piss. Yeah. Yeah. Rest in peace. Fuck. Sorry for stepping on it. It's fantastic. That's all right. It's out there. It's fantastic. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Kill the kids. Rest in peace.

16:57That's a fair description of my relationship with not wanting to be a father. Yeah. Well, the craziest thing I remember about when I moved to the States in 99, when I was 18 for college, the amount of water, the students would be carrying these jugs of water everywhere. And I was like, what is this? Like, why are people drinking so much water? Because growing up, when you were thirsty, you drink water. yeah yeah i mean that's how you you know but then if you say that in america the answer you get all the time that makes you want to pull my eyes out is well if you're thirsty it means you're already dehydrated and if you want if you if you want to hear a story about this um if it makes the podcast or not but i'll tell you a true story please so i get this like some special miss this lady comes and she's like this like she's draining some lymphatic whatever and she tells me look you're severely dehydrated and you need to drink two liters of water a day man you know keep hearing this in in america i'm just gonna do it so i started drinking like two liters of water a day and i'm in i'm peeing a lot you know every hour whatever whatever secondly i begin to feel a bit uncomfortable i'm feeling a bit depleted and i'm feeling like oh my god i have to pee but i can't pee anymore and i'm feeling uncomfortable i call my doctor and i don't know what's going on he said what's changed in your life i said i've been drinking two liters of water a day for the last 48 hours he says where are you i said i'm home he's like okay can you can you drive i'm like yeah I'm just a bit tired he's like you're coming to the hospital right now what takes me to the hospital puts me in apparently I drank so much water that I had gotten rid of every nutrient in my body not only that I also had like a.0000001 like brain swelling what because I had so much fluid in my system that my brain had to swell so they had to keep me in the hospital for 8 hours and give me like 6 IVs that's what I'm saying and all because I was tired of hearing for 15 years that if you're thirsty you're already dehydrated and then that was the final straw this masseuse so that's a very long story to tell you just be normal man when you're thirsty drink water just be normal that's wild isn't that crazy and that's a true story like so no I'm not saying don't drink water if you need it I mean because I'm not a doctor but just I just didn't understand just don't chug water all day suddenly after not, you know, only drinking water when you're thirsty.

19:15Isn't that crazy? But I love that you led up to the story with, I don't know if this will make the podcast or not. Your brain's swelled up. That's making the pod. Yeah. We haven't had anyone with a brain clip. That's a clip. I've never seen you sit a week in this podcast. It's like mind-blowing. I'm going back to hibernation after that. But that was great. And that makes so much sense because you know those people who walk around with the big, massive jugs of water. Yes, yes, yes. Whenever I speak to those people, it does seem like their brain's swollen a bit. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, they got swollen brains.

19:43I gotta hijate. Yeah, I gotta... I gotta hijate. You gotta hijate. Oh, brain swelling. Put that in the accent clip. Can that go in the accent? I don't think that should make the podcast. That could hurt someone's feelings. Oh, well, no. These people don't have feelings. And they don't listen. Exactly. Pop out a breath! Pop out a breath, can I know you? Pop out a breath! Obviously, pop out a breath. I'm saying... I mean, that's... I mean, you can't even... That's not a question that would work. We got Cindy V coming in this afternoon. And? And she told me off last time because she said, you say, pop it on, pop it on bread to people.

20:16And you said, say, pop out of bread to people. And then I said to her, yeah, I'm going to do that next time. And that was over a year ago. And then I've never done it. And cause she's in next, I'm like, I'm going to do it in this one. And it just so happens that you grew up in new Delhi. Yeah. So I look like I'm being ultra cool. No, a second. Exactly. Pop it. You got it. Yeah. And you said that's not even a, that's not even a choice really. Not for me. Yeah. Yeah. I mean if a restaurant is offering parboard I'm going to eat parboard and what kind do you want because there's a lot of different kinds right that's such a good question that's a really good question have you ever had the the white airy ones with all the bubbles the really big or you probably had yeah yeah I think they were one of the ones that Jamie Oliver bought Jamie Oliver bought yeah the ones that are quite thick and airy they're just bubbles yes exactly yeah that's the one I love yeah that's great yeah really good you don't get them in many places here No, you don't.

21:10Which is a shame because that is really, that really tastes good. The one bread that you don't get much of in restaurants outside of India is rumali roti. Okay. And I'm telling you this because next time for an Indian restaurant, you should just go to one if they have rumali roti. Rumal means handkerchief. And rumali roti is a bread, like an Indian bread, like naan, cooked in the thalur, but it's like a handkerchief thin. and they fold it up and it's the greatest Indian bread you'll ever have in your life so if there is a restaurant I'm trying to think who does it in London but I'll send you guys an email and you should go Rumali Rumali roti roti means bread yeah Rumali so if we go to an Indian restaurant ask for Rumali roti don't accidentally just ask for Rumali because they'll just bring us a handkerchief yes well if you Rumali yeah if you go to Rumali they'll be like here's a why do all so when you go to a restaurant in London, a lot of people are wearing navy blue pants and navy blue jacket, right?

22:14That's standard. That's not an observation. That's not funny. That's just normal. That's funny to us. Yeah, it's funny to us that that's something you've noticed. Yeah, when people notice stuff about the UK, you don't live here. It's funny because we don't notice that. I'm saying everyone, like, if you're in the city and you go to London. But they give you white napkins. And white napkins give white linen on blue suits. So I never understood why more restaurants don't have black napkins. Have you ever thought about it? I've never thought about it, but I'm 100 % on board of it immediately. Do you know what I mean?

22:47Yeah, yeah. I would much rather that now. The white napkins give you white linen on blue pants. Yeah. But then if you get something on your napkin, people can see how messy you are, or a mucky pup you are. That's true. What's the word you said? Mucky pup. A mucky pup. A mucky pup. Mucky pup. Oh, like you're a little doggy. A little baby dog A little baby That's been rolling around in the mud A little messy baby dog Oh, a pup that is rolling around in muck Yeah, yeah, yeah, mucky pup That's not, is that like a real Yeah, that's a phrase That's a real phrase Okay, that's not just something you made up for the podcast No, no, no, that is a phrase, mucky pup Mucky pup In what context can I use it so that I'm not in trouble But also it sounds cool If you spill something on yourself Go, oh, I'm such a mucky pup See, it sounds nice in your accent If I say, oh, I'm such a mucky pup It sounds a bit weird I think that sounds nice I'm a mucky pup I like it Sounds kind of sexual I'm a mucky pup Well that is also Be careful in the context You use it If you're heading down To like a pride parade That's also like A subsection Is it?

23:51The pups I don't know this Yeah the guys Who dress in the dog masks What? Oh good on them Yeah It's like a set I think there's a whole Separate parade In London Pride Is there? The pups parade? Yeah yeah And they can get mucky I suppose They can't Yeah This is definitely Off topic it's off topic for sure but yeah the white napkin people can see quite how messy you are what a mucky pup you are and a black napkin they can't see they can't see no one can see anything well that's just I just had to get it off my chest I agree with you that it should maybe each restaurant should just have a range of napkins and they can bring them out and match them to your trousers yeah so whatever what you're wearing whatever suit you're wearing or dress or whatever they can like put the napkin on until they get one that matches then go there you go you can I would be on board for that.

24:38That's nice. That would be really nice. They would be like a napkin sommelier. Yeah. It feels, that's just around the corner, surely. That's definitely going to happen. That's right up there with Mucky Pop. Next garage band. Mucky Pop could be the name of the napkin restaurant where you get the napkin sommelier. Mucky Pop. You know who I would love to be a napkin sommelier? Billy Porter. Billy Porter. By the way, also in Christmas Karma and a great actor. Yes, fantastic actor. I've shared a screen with Billy Porter of course well you haven't really yeah I acted to a tennis ball and then Billy Porter acted to a different tennis ball and then they put it together that's great I'm going to go home and watch that scene yeah Cinderella I mean once you watch that scene you'll want to watch the whole film okay that's great just send me the time stamp where it is yeah yeah absolutely you got it it's a great scene we always start with still a sparkling water Rod Gilbert do you have a preference sparkling

25:38Oh, a lot of hate for sparkling tonight some nice cheers at the beginning and it just morphed into a book Yeah, that was a very few shows stay with me. Yeah They'll be on the sixth like any comedian. I'm all I'm hearing really is the booze You know I am no sparkling definitely partly because and those of you booed right this will get you back This is one in your eye, boos. Partly because, and it's not really, I've been a big fan of sparkling water for many years. In fact, sorry to bring Sian in there. Me and Sian have got a song about it. Get ready, Sian, yeah. When I was really struggling with cancer, I couldn't drink, everything's disgusting, right?

26:20When you've got cancer in this area and you're having a treatment radius, everything's disgusting. I couldn't drink water, it's disgusting. Tea, everything's disgusting, except sparkling water. And that kind of got me through. All things sparkling, so Lucas Aid, sparkling water. I could still drink that. Nothing else. How are you feeling if you booed right now? Yeah. Sparkling water saved my life when I had throat cancer. Give us a boo!

26:47But years before that, it's only when I was thinking about this podcast that this occurred to me, that we have a song about it. Well, you're going to have to figure that out. There's no way you're not doing that now I mean this is I mean this is like This is the kind of marital stuff That nobody should ever have to share really And I think this is Essentially why me and Sian are together Sian if I sing the verse Will you do the chorus? You can't make Sian sing Are you okay to do that? Give her a mic Yeah give her a mic She'll try She said she'll try We have got a mic Sian you're the mic Charlie's got a mic for you, Charlie.

27:28Where is she? Sean, where... Where are you? Oh, good, she's there. I thought she was up there for a second. This is... That is not your wife. No. What the fuck has happened? This is Charlotte, my agent, who is sitting with my wife. Thank you, Charlotte. I thought for a second there, I had tumbled through the multiverse and not known it. I'm in a different universe where Rod Gilbert has a different wife. All right. Can we hear you, Sian? Hi, guys. Sorry about this, Sian. That's fine. All right, I'm going to do the verse. Oh, my God. So this is the sparkling water song. No pressure on this, Sian, but this is the kind of stuff Benito usually clips up for the best of at the end of the year.

28:16This may be the kind of stuff. I promise you this will not be the stuff. Ready, Sian? Yeah. Do you want to... She doesn't sound happy, Rod. Do you remember the words? I didn't know there was a verse. I'm using the word verse very loosely. Okay. But I'll get you. You'll know when to come in, all right? Okay.

28:43Follow me for the changes. No, no prep done beforehand. Knew that we were going to ask him what water he wanted. Can I just point out that we've had this song going for about 10-15 years? Can you remember how it started this song like no I can't remember how or where it started no, but there are other people I could ring and we could put them on and they'd do it as well Wow It's not just a thing with us How big does the song start? I can't look at you while I do it. I can't look at you I'll go behind the lamp. Oh, get in the lamp. Bit embarrassing doing the song, is it? Just a bit. Here we go.

29:26Ma-ma-da, ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-da-da-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma. A fizzy water.

29:36That's what it is. That's what it is. Wow. What do you reckon? Whole audience. Just your standard verse chorus structure. That is it.

29:52Fizzy water. It is good. It's good. 15 years we've been doing that. A fizzy water. I love that song. And as we know, that was Christmas number one, James. It was. Drinks. We don't just offer H2O in the dream restaurant. every guest gets to pick their dream drink too. And sometimes that drink is multiple glasses of white wine. Let's listen to Joanne McNally, Stevie Martin, Daisy Ridley and Sally Phillips.

30:27And a huge... Am I getting ahead of myself? No, what? And a huge Pinot Grigio. Ice cold. Yeah. Huge. Huge. We're not going to stop people pairing drinks with courses. No. no you can pair every course of a drink if you want so Pinophile specifically refers to Pinot Grigio yes I feel like you should do a bit at the top just explaining that just in case any Pinot Noir fans turn up there's a bit of no Pinot Noir fans fine I won't come to you show it's not our vibe what about Pinot Grigio do you love so much the taste

31:05like I'm not going to sit here and say I know anything about it's legs or citrusy smells I just love the taste of it. But it has to be ice cold. Like I don't really complain about stuff because I wouldn't really, like I'll pull a hair out of the food and just leave it there. I don't really care. I really don't. But the only thing I will send back is if the wine's not warm. Sorry, if the wine's not cold enough, I will send that back. I'm like, I'm practically a sommelier. I'm like, that's kind of room temperature. And then they'll give me another one. It should really be closer to room temperature than you think.

31:37If you want to taste it properly. Yeah, but listen, I'm just out of course of wheelies. I clearly don't get a shit, you know what I mean? So obviously when you did the last show, the Prosecco sold very well with the audience. Are you hoping to do the same thing for the Pinot Grigio industry? To raise awareness for Pinot Grigio. To sell it as much as you did. You'd love to have your own line. I had a week with your tour manager, because they replaced my tour manager for a week. Oh! And they were saying sometimes the bar would sell out of Prosecco. Yeah, yeah, yeah. well I mean whose fault is that like if I was that venue I'd be like I'm bringing in a show called the Prosecco Express like we would tell the venue in fairness to my agents they were ringing because I would get annoyed then because I'm backstage and the girls are texting me going they're out of Prosecco they're out of glasses and I'm like it's carnage out there so I was saying to my agent please ring ahead and make sure they know and then they would ring ahead and the venue would be like oh yeah don't worry it's all taken care of and the same thing would happen again I was like don't underestimate those women I think we broke the record in the Palladium for the most alcohol sold at any show yeah now I think someone's broken it since because that was maybe two years ago wasn't our show I'll tell you that much that wasn't ours it was mine thank you dweebs keep coming to see us they ran out of sujuku or something like yours we've also shared a tour manager in Australia he took me around maybe a couple of weeks after oh yeah and he said yeah your audience drink yeah He said all these women would turn up looking incredible at the beginning of the evening and then come out of the theatre looking the complete or just absolutely shit face.

33:15I know, I love it so much. That's why it's hard for me. It's hard for me. It's hard for me sometimes because I have to remind myself it's not my night out. Yeah. So I'm like, woo! Do you know what I mean? Like when I first started, like I'd have a drink on stage and I was like, you can't, like a drink on stage is fine, but it's not my night out. Like I'm actually there to work. sometimes they just I don't know I just love that kind of girls night out vibe I just want to kind of crowd serve and get involved or when I do smaller shows I'd go out after I'd just go to wherever they were well to the audience yeah you'd party with the audience yeah well like it's not like they were going out en masse but like if women would text and be like oh we're actually in the pub next door I'd be like okay there you go yeah go was it not weird were they not like you know talking to you about your comedy all the time and it was a bit of a divide not fun no this was back there were smaller rooms but no it was just like there's Joanne there was no real there was no divide at all yeah we just got and drank wine in the pub yeah it was nice but you can't keep that up can you because how many dates did you do of that last show I don't know it's loads though it was a lot yeah it was a fair it was two years yeah that's shit loads that's shit loads that's yeah so at some stage I had to kind of be like okay this is a job now yeah can't be enough drinking with the audience but I can tell you Jesus I really I'm like really I can I can go I can go even I was like wow I'm going again it's crazy and I feel great I love because I love gigging so much I love doing shows so much that like the buzz of it I would just go and I think there was only once or twice in the tour that I was like I think I tried to change or reschedule a show because I was like I really I was like you know yourself you're like 12 shows in a row I don't think I can and we didn't we never once changed anything I just kept doing them you know yourself the adrenaline you just kind of come alive oh so you're saying so sorry when you're saying like I can go I thought you meant you were drinking every night after the show I was yes that is actually what I meant that is what I meant yeah but then oh it was what you meant yeah but I just just to enjoy the show I enjoy the buzz of doing a show so much that you're able to then do you want to carry it on yeah I still care yeah I have I don't really get hangovers or anything I don't know I'm like a cockroach it's weird but yeah they get worse as you get older I'm 41 James I mean okay fair enough you know what I mean bring me another argument I didn't know you were 41 yeah okay well I can't tell you that I just as a 40 year old told a 41 year old hey your hangover your hangover's going to get worse believe me it's weird it's like yeah I don't know what it is is it I've built up an immunity I don't know there's very little consequences even yeah Irish drinker we definitely have a rep for drinking but like even amongst my own people I'm a I'm pretty I can go yeah I don't know how else to describe it are you going to do your own Pinot for this tour well imagine selling your own selling out of your own booze at every venue but you know what the problem there is because I have a someone who kind of I don't I have no business savvy really at all I'm just I don't think about stuff like that but someone did say why aren't you doing your own wine and then I was like oh that's a great idea it could taste like toilet I wouldn't give a shit anyway they were like the venues won't take it sure they want to sell their own biz of course yeah of course you know what I mean imagine me at a desk at the front trying to flop my own biz they'd be like you cheap bastard so no no merch but you could sell it to them you know to the venues yeah really I'm sure I'm sure there's a way of doing it yeah this is me talking as if I have any business argument whatsoever they'll find a way of ripping you off you can sell it on your website surely you can be selling booze but like what calibre of wine like Well, it doesn't matter.

36:59You're putting ice in it anyway. Yeah, Snoop Dogg is selling wine. You think that's great? Sorry, I don't put ice in wine. Okay, well, you're having it super cold. Super cold. Super cold. But I won't put ice in wine. I think it's a disgrace. Yeah. Oh, okay. Do you remember the episode of Taskmaster where Nick Muhammad... Yeah. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. Do you know the story about the ice cube and the wine? It was a prize task, wasn't it? I saw the whole series. It was a prize... Do you remember we had to bring in something you can get into? so that could be like maybe a hobby or anything obviously because I have no imagination brought in a sleeping bag but it was it was designed like Toot and Camus that was kind of my thing because I was like how cool would it be to get into Toot and Camus team anyway Greg wasn't a fan yeah last one point I think next was one point to be fair he's like the sweetest man ever and he's he's just so innocent or something but he brought in the photo and like bearing in mind the production have to agree like I've put in stuff that they were like you know yourself they're like nah that's not really going to work so they obviously saw this and they were like yeah go for it and it was just a glass of wine with an ice cube in it and it came up on the screen and we were all like what and he's like did you know you can add ice to wine and we were just looking at him like are you fucking on crack he'd only discovered it at a barbecue two weeks previous someone had told him he could do it and he never knew it he didn't think anyone else knew he could do it it was the concept of putting an ice cube in a glass of white wine was his pride and he said it so proudly didn't he?

38:29It was like he'd it was like he'd like invented black holes or something it was like he was like did you know you could time travel? Yeah It was very funny but no I don't put ice on wine don't agree with it When he was on this podcast he said about putting a grape Frozen grape yeah a frozen grape into a glass of Lemonade Lemonade or something he calls it summer cocktail Of course he does I've only recently gone into sparkling Same time as the crisp My God, yes. Yeah, wow. You're having quite the year. I'm having a massive gastronomical year. And I've got into it, but I quite like it when it goes flat because it doesn't taste like still water.

39:10It's still got that like aftertaste. So I'd quite like, I suppose, flat sparkling. Sparkling water has been there for a while, so it's not so like edgy. Right. Quite spiky. That's kind of mad, isn't it? That when it goes flat, it doesn't taste like normal water. Like what are they putting in it? whatever they use to carbonate it is still floating around in there dead. Yeah, it's like the out breath of the gas. It's some CO2. Carbon dioxide just floating around in water. That's what you want. That's what I want. I'd say this is the earliest red flag we've ever had in an episode. For someone's menu.

39:42Okay, okay. No one has managed to make the water course sound disgusting yet. Have you had that? I really don't like it. Okay. I don't like the flat fizzy water. I don't mind it. Okay, great. I actually prefer, there's some sparkling waters that are less carbonated, that are a bit softer. Let's try it after. Yeah, so yeah. Because I want a list of those. Badoir. Badoir. Badoir. Not Bacquar, because that's short for backwash probably, isn't it? I thought that. I thought that. Badoir. Badoir. Okay. I'll have that then. Yeah, yeah. Less gas? You want that? Less gas? No, no, no. You're getting your flat sparkling water.

40:17That's what you're getting for your dream meal. Yeah, I do want that. Yeah. That's what you're having. Thank you. And also that means as well that people around the table who are with me, William Shakespeare or whatever, oh my God, sparkling water would blow his mind. It would. It would then allow everyone else to partake. Yeah. Because they wouldn't, like the water would be slightly off but they wouldn't quite know why. It tastes like gone off water. Yeah. That's what it is. You know when a hummus goes quite lemony and you're like, yeah, I still will. But like, I shouldn't. And you want that?

40:42Gone off water. Well, you haven't asked me about my side dish yet but it will be gone off hummus. Yeah. It's quite nice when it's lemony. Sometimes I put lemon juice in the hummus to make it taste like it's gone off a bit. But hummus tastes fizzy when it's gone off, I think. Well, yeah. It's the only thing that gets more sparkling as time goes on. That's so true. Yes, so sparkling dips. Do you like other carbonated drinks when they go flat? Because I do like it when like, you know, colas go flat and stuff like that. It's lovely. I like that. I like that as well. I used to work in a bar when the thing would be off and everyone would be like, oh, the syrup, it's just syrup.

41:16That'd be my drink. Just the syrup? Just the syrup with red wine. That was very quick. Yeah, it's called a Calamacho. It's fizzy for a Calamacho. Yeah, it's not the syrup. Calamacho is half and half. Yeah. Coke and red wine. Yeah. So I just do that with a little bit less syrup. You're doing it like a barista with a shot of espresso. But you're doing it with the Coke. It's like an espresso wine teeny. You heard it here first. An espresso wine teeny. It's got nothing to do with espresso. No. The wine's in there. That's fine. I used to drink at uni Bailey's and Coke. Mix it up. Tastes like cake mix.

41:55Looks like vomit. Yeah, doesn't Bailey's curdle, won't it? Oh, terribly. So there's loads of photos in the early Facebook years of me at clubs that look like I've been sick in my own glass. You were ordering that at clubs? Yeah. Yeah. It would be actually only clubs because in bars, people would have opinions, whereas in clubs it's like, next one, next one, they'd be like, what? Yeah, okay, fine. And they wouldn't have judgment. So you can't have order anything. And after the first time you did it, they knew exactly what you were going to do. Here she fucking comes. I kind of understand why your husband only eats for fuel now.

42:27About you, seeing these things constantly. It's like, I'm all right. I just need to survive, thank you. Yeah. I think I have a lot of combination. He did ask me if I could stop eating. So I used to have, not all the time, but occasionally, kidney beans in a can, drain them, and then just put mayonnaise in, pop it up, eat that in a fork. he was like can you stop just cat please can you stop or eat it in another room so we were in like a studio flat for a while so that i couldn't eat that and then then we've moved into a slight like a two bed so then i'm able to take it to a bedroom you've got your being a mayonnaise room yeah yeah i think that only happens like twice a year yeah and it's normally when i'm like quite hungover or like a bit morose i'd say in terms of hangover food kidney beans in the tin with mayonnaise mixed in has got to be the worst that would make me feel that would not be even sicker the thoughts of it would make you feel sick but the actual reality of it like with most things is much better than you think your dream drink oh my dream drink I'd like that one you know what I'd go for a lychee martini oh lovely yeah but quite a sweet one not too alcoholic I think we have our answer to who's playing Bond just a sweet martini quite sweet no i went to because i i am a fan of a lychee martini occasionally and then i went to um i'm not gonna fucking remember the name of it of course not i went to somewhere very fancy in la for a drink with my team and i asked for a lychee martini and it was so strong i took one sip and i don't drink very much i was off my totaters yeah i was it was intense so i would really err on the sweet not too alcoholic side drinks are strong in america so strong i mean it was it was a martini with a touch of you know but any drinks are just like they're just free pouring yeah and then putting a tiny bit of mixer in yeah i love it yeah i take that over the sweet ones but i get is there a lychee popped in there yeah yeah always bobbing around bobbing around yeah and then i'd go for a because i'm allergic to wine so i don't go for a wine but i'd always go for a dessert wine because for whatever reason i think the sugar content cancels out there what are you allergic to in the wine basically the last time i had wine i was so so so sick out of a cab but i hadn't drunk that much that the only answer was i'm allergic to wine because it had happened previously at a charitable dinner um so sick so sick and then weirdly like a hangover the next day but an emotional one for a number of days yeah it was horrible but i think higher sugar content and things sort of cancels that out so dessert wine i'm okay with well there'd be yeah i guess slightly lower alcohol as well but yeah what what is there a particular dessert wine that you're into i mean tokai god i've actually remembered something or a sotern yeah or the elysium oh no i don't know it's a it's a little screw top it's delicious if you were bond yeah i mean i assume you'd say yes if they offered it to you this is so funny sure yeah I am Bond surprise surprise yeah that question would you say yes if they offered it to you is absolutely and I know you mean it like this but that is the most clickbait journalist question you could possibly ask is it yeah would you say yes to Bond if they offered it to you yeah of course Daisy Ridley says that she would love to be Bond oh exclusive I wasn't trying to get you exclusive from the podcast yeah I am Bond yeah yeah would you do it would you want to make some little alterations to it, have a lychee martini.

46:03Maybe change some of the catchphrases. You know, do things differently. Are you saying that we couldn't have a lady Bond who has a normal martini? Elderflower martini. Sparkling elderflower. Yeah, you could say, elderflower martini for the ladies. Have you ever seen Operation Mince, mate? Yes. Oh, it's fantastic. You know, they have the running gag with him trying to sell James Bond. Yes. Oh, it's so good. Excellent show. It's a very, very good show. Yeah. I've actually been a number of times you haven't seen it even that this troupe of friends it's just one of those amazing stories my management produced it that's what the person wanted to talk to he gave me tickets I'd really love to get to Operation Mincemeat tell Gumball he can come I'd love to be called Gumball okay well now that you've made it I'm changing Bond because of the gender thing.

47:01We can't do that anymore. What do you mean? Well, I want to have fun with the lychee martini thing, build a new bond. Yeah. Well, we can do that. No, we can't. Any other, would you change the catchphrases or would you change the... Why? Because she's a lady? It doesn't work as much as you going, would you have a martini or would you have a lychee martini? A sweet cocktail. Yeah, yeah. Would you change the catchphrases, Daisy? Oh my goodness, this is so ridiculous. You don't have to answer if you think it's going to become clickbait. I'm worried about that now. I think that was the conversation previous about Jesus in the desert.

47:38I feel like that's more. That's on us. Yeah. That's on us. If they offer you the part of Jesus, would you take it? Oh my God. Would you play Jesus? Okay, you've got three options. You can play either Jesus. They're all filming at the same time. Yeah. Jesus, James, or? Jesus, Bond, or... Oh, why did I say three options and I don't know the third one? So what's in this cocktail? What sort of booze? Do you not need to know? I don't even need to know. I mean, I'm really happy for like homemade. I mean, this stuff we served at the Midsommar thing was lethal. It was bright colours. Flavour Fred's own alcohol.

48:16Apart from there's a lot of like poisonings I read. By Flavour Fred? No, no, no, not by him. He knows what's poisonous, what isn't. But like there's a, it's called fake alcohol, but it's not fake. It is alcoholic. people brewing their own alcohol and making it out of different things and there's an increase in poisonings from fake alcohol. I follow a lot of Instagram accounts who make that sort of stuff who make like wine out of Mountain Dew and stuff what? and do, there's a mead guy, I follow a mead guy wow, what does he look like? you never see him I love that I love that, so it's alcohol from honey?

48:56yeah, yeah, yeah, but he'll make loads of different flavours and stuff and occasionally do like Mountain Dew or Dr. Pepper. Yeah. I love the idea of having, have you seen those beautiful copper gin like things? The stills. Yeah. What are they called? Gin stills, I think. Gin stills, yeah. I think you'd call them that, yeah. I mean, I can't hold my drink at all, but in this world I can. Yeah. And in this world, as well as having a forest full of edible flowers and all the rest of it, I would have a whole cellar full of gin stills. This is beautiful, isn't it? Like a whole, I'd just love to. Welcome to my house.

49:30We're going to have dinner. This is the gin room. This is the gin room. That would be great, wouldn't it? Yeah, yeah. You should have a gin room. Everyone should have a gin room. So in this cocktail, you don't want to know what's in it. You just want to drink it. Yeah, I'd like it to be an entirely new alcohol made from a surprising non-poisonous ingredient that is delicious. And it's got glitter in it. Yeah, I'm just joking about the glitter. You know what? I was in duty free thinking, coming back from Australia, thinking, oh, what should I get for people? And they had a lot of, you know, alcohols that change colour when you pour them and things like that.

50:05And I looked at it and I thought, oh, that's great. And I thought, oh, no, that's not great. That's shit. I'm too old. I'm too old for fun alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, serious alcohol time. It's a thing, isn't it? It's like, yeah. I've not heard of alcohol that changes colour when you pour it. Yeah, nor have I. Weird. And it had glitter in and all the rest of it. And I was like, no, awful. I don't want any of that stuff. I want it to taste nice. I want it to taste nice, exactly. And also be a nice colour, to be honest, that matters to me. Sure. I remember Goldschlager used to come up quite a lot in my youth when I started drinking.

50:41Gold? Goldschlager? What's that? It's like... Lager with gold? No, no, it's not lager. It's like a very strong spirit, but with flakes. Flakes of gold in it. Oh. Yes, no, I remember that. I do remember that. I remember that from Superbad. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. The girl that he fancies wants him to get that vodka that has gold flakes in it. Yeah. So it's very important that he gets that for the party. It's such a gross idea. It needs to be something that puts you in a good mood, though. I remember one of the drinks I most appreciated ever was someone bringing a bottle of espresso martini to a PTA drink.

51:18Completely transformed the evening. Yeah, I bet. but you can, yeah. Who was it who bought the, was it a parent or a teacher? Yeah, Or the parent. Parent, yeah, got messy. Yeah. PTA got messy. Is that the one, is that like parents evening where you have to go and speak to all the teachers individually? Yeah. I've been racing through those meetings. there was a PTA, it was like when the parent group and the teacher group, they talk about how the parents can help the school. Right. And raise money and they can, yeah, do the reading with the five-year-olds and all of that. And you're just all completely off.

51:50your head going no it's not our job guys we love it when our guests have delicious descriptions of food and whether they're from the culinary world or not we've been taught some fantastic recipes from our diners let's hear all about food from santiago lastra anthony porofsky carrie mulligan George Egg John Early and James Norton so you have these lambs that you cook in the cross like a Patagonian style and you make a bonfire you open the lamb so it's like nice and tight in the cross and then you just salt it like you put loads of salt in it you rub it for like like about 2-3 hours and just leave it and then after that You made a bonfire and then you basically stick the cross close to the bonfire.

52:53So the lamb starts cooking really slowly, first from the inside, and then you flip it to make the skin crispy. And while you're cooking it, you make a mix of chopped garlic, water, lime juice, and maybe some herbs like thyme or rosemary. and then you can put it literally in a plastic bottle or just like a squeeze bottle or whatever and then just kind of squeeze the, spray it with that while you're cooking it. So it takes around three hours to cook, three and a half hours or something like that. So while you're having your starters and having some sparkling steel water and having a laugh or something, you're cooking that and then when it's ready, what you do is to pull the meat out of the lab and then i'm laughing because ed just slumped forward like just like i literally thought ed's entire microphone was going to go down his throat and into his tummy like he just like it was too much for him as soon as you mind pulling the lamb it's like you pull the lamb it's like you know when the lamb is ready yeah you press the skin so when when it's already crispy you press it and you feel you hear the crackling but also all the juices are like dripping down like and so then when you when you pull it out then you can literally just squeeze the piece of meat there will be like lots of lots of juice you know so it's amazing anyways that's that's like the main thing and then you can have like some fresh tortillas to make your own tacos of lamb yeah uh in Mexico normally you will have like a piece of wood like a chopping board you know and then with like a big cleaver and then you i will put the lamb and then just pull the meat out and then just chop it with a cleaver like yeah and then have like different sides that you you can decide you know because i don't know who am i with are we together having whoever you want to you it's your dream it's your dream slash last meal yeah you're about to die remember we're not going to be offended if we're not there you know no it just depends you know because some people it's the best meal I've ever had and he's just hearing about it so depends you know but you can you can have mashed potatoes or you can just do like tacos with it or you can have it like as a main course with like some roasted braised purple cabbage and mashed potatoes and like a like a lamb sauce or you could have like a more Mexican thing just like tacos of lamb so yeah so that's the main course incredible have you ever um buried a lamb uh what have you ever like dug a pit all right all right all right fire in there and then let it go out a bit and put some damp hay on there and then put the lamb in there and bury it and then cooked it that way yeah yeah it's barbacoa so that's a different thing yeah so then for that one you have to break down the lamb first so you just separate by by by different parts and then uh There's two different styles in Mexico, birria and barbacoa.

56:03So with birria, you have to do like a chili paste, like with different chilies and like maybe tomato, garlic, onion. You blend that into like paste, like marinate, and then you marinate the lamb with it. And then you, normally in Mexico, we wrap it with agave leaves. So like burned agave leaves. It looks like, like aloe vera, but like really big. And then you wrap the lamb with that. And then underneath, you put a pot. and like a steaming tray. So then all the juices from the lamb and the agave drip into the water underneath. So it becomes a broth. So you will normally have that. And then you cook that with stones.

56:42You put wood, then stones. Then with the wood, the fire consumes, then the stones are really hot so it can keep the heat. And then you close that down with like leaves and soil. So then it becomes like a sort of pressure cooker. And it cooks for a long time and then you have that in the morning. So you have breakfast, you just like normally in the fields. So you just open that up, take the lamb out and then you have people doing tortillas in there in the side and then you just have that as a breakfast with the broth in the side, you know? Yeah, of the juices, you know? So that's barbacoa. So that's how you do it properly.

57:16Yeah, that's beer. Yeah, exactly. There's a lot of steps in that that I think a friend of ours didn't do. Really? Yeah, and that might be why his lamb came out raw. like as well as when he, him and his best friend. Did it in Soft Touch's garden? Yeah, in Soft Touch's garden. Let me know, I can, I can go next time and just do it. Yeah, well, I think, yeah, we'll let him know. He needs all the help he can get. No, it's good. Like if, if anyone does like one of those things, I like to go, you know, like, it's good to do it. You know, like it's not, you normally don't have like a big hole that, like a lot of people.

57:53Well, so it's good to do it. You know, it's not a lot of garden space. Yeah, exactly. At least it's not something that you do every day. Like in Mexico, the restaurants will have like a backyard on their ground oven, some restaurants, and they will do the lamb there. But we don't have that here. We can't dig holes in Marley-Bans. Unfortunately. But I also like the sound of this Jesus lamb. Yeah, I like that one. I just think this is easier. Yeah. And also I like the roasted flavor of the skin, like the caramelization that you don't get when the lamb is cooked under the ground. you don't get that because it's steamed i mean it's still really delicious but you don't get this roasted flavor i'd rather the roasted flavor so also when you're describing it and i'm you know obviously i just got my friend here next to me like flopping his body all over the place and drawing all over the shop and it's the whole thing but like when you were saying about you had it there for a long time and you can go up and then you just pull the meat and you yeah test it and stuff the bit in the jesus crucifixion story that's never really made sense to me is that the Roman centurion goes over to him at the end just to check that he's dead.

59:01He sticks a spear in his side and does that. It sounds like quite a similar thing. They're like, right, I think he's done now. And he goes over and just puts a spear in him. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's done. That's all the juices coming down. I'm not sure about that. As a kid, I was always like, I don't get why they're doing that. Surely they know. Yeah, but the lamb was dead already. They know if they've done the job or not. Why is the centurion going over? Santiago makes a good point. The lamb is dead already before you put on. You're not checking to see if it's dead or not. Yeah, exactly.

59:30You're checking if it's cooked or not. Like if it's cooked to perfection. No, I thought you were just getting a lamb. Please never do this because you are going to get a live lamb, put it on a crucifix. Yeah, exactly. You can't do that. And then check if it's dead or not before serving it raw. It takes about 10 minutes for the wool to burn off. Get a dead first. That's important. Hard to get a... Yeah, but I think I wasn't specific about that. Yeah, the lamb was dead and had a good death before he was marinated with the salt. Yeah, yeah. I wasn't specific about that. Do you put two other criminal lambs either side?

1:00:08Yes, two criminals. That's very important. Depends how many guests comes. Yeah. But I mean, I think one lamb is enough for like 12 people. 12 fucking people. Disciples.

1:00:23The Last Supper. It is the Last Supper. It is our Last Supper. Yeah, there we go. We need more people. This is great. How do you do a scientist to a charcutter people? Yeah. Doesn't matter. Did you forget who we were speaking to? I clearly chose cheese and meat as like my main course. There wasn't a single vegetable listed there. And I'm promoting health and wellness on Queer Eye. So we've clearly gone left field here. All right. So my mind went, my mind just kind of did like, do you watch Severance? Yes. I just kind of split into two. One side of me is like, I don't know why I keep going to like, this would be my last meal.

1:00:58So I'm like, I'm, I'm a little slut for caviar. I'm sorry. I am not sorry about it. We had it as kids. My parents would bring it from Poland. It was a lot cheaper. I know it's an elitist thing, but having that over soft scrambled eggs or a tub of that over ice with some like perfect like kettle crisps so they can carry it with a bit of creme fraiche and a bit of like finely diced chives. And then there's the other side of me that wants like the best mac and cheese ever. So do you know a thing called Hamburger Helper? You know what? I've heard it so much on TV shows and in films. I still don't know what it is.

1:01:29It's like an instantly boxed mac and cheese. you add your ground meat and Americans decided, yeah, we're going to call that a meal. And I was denied that kind of food growing up because my parents ate really well. So we weren't allowed to have like trashy food. And so one of my favorite things to do on a Sunday or if I'm visiting like friends of mine and like Sundays, like my day where I just like, it's like no holds barred. Like I eat whatever the hell I want. I don't work out. Like it's very, it's like a lazy day. And to make a vat of mac and cheese using all my favorite cheeses, cavatappi pasta or a bow tie every once in a while, depending on like, and then throwing in like ground beef or even like bison or lamb or ground turkey and just having that bake with like that crispy, like those crispy edges when they get browned and you get to like peel them off.

1:02:11Cause it's one of those things like your lasagna, third time we mentioned it, you have it when it's warm, but then you go back and you have it cold. And it's so good. It's so good. Especially when it goes from like really hot cause I can't help myself and I end up burning my mouth. When you eat it, when it's colder, you actually taste it a lot better, right? Like some of the flavors are more pronounced, I think. Could you combine these two? Could you put caviar on the mac and cheese? Is that insane? Everyone's dumping caviar on everything these days. Honestly, it's like, it's not for me. Like, I don't think caviar should be warmed up.

1:02:42It should be eaten as cold as possible, even though I put it on soft scrambled eggs sometimes. No, for me, it's church and state. Like keep both of those separate. The caviar thing just seems to be like a status thing now. I know. It's like gold on a steak. Yeah, it's like gold flakes. Gold flakes piss me off. Sorry, gold miners. No, but it's just so useless because it doesn't taste like anything. And it's so performative. It's so dumb. It's for the picture. Yeah, exactly. And caviar is something that's so delicious and luxe and oceanic. And it's like creamy when it's done right. And I mean, even salmon roe, if you want the cheaper stuff with some sticky rice.

1:03:18I love salmon roe. A little quail egg and some uni, wrap it up in some toasted nori. So for the mac and cheese. Yeah, sorry. Back to the topic. which meat are you going for in there for your dream your dream meal what would you like the meat that's mixed in yeah some good quality ground beef like a 70 to 80 80 to 20 ratio it's got to be fatty enough so you can actually taste it brown it i just i love ground beef like as much as i i love a tomahawk i love having a good steak with my dad it's like our ritual when i go visit him a beautiful like pork chop is delicious when it's still pink in the inside but or duck but ground beef for me is like it's such joy it's a burger i it's what i use when i make like a lazy bolognese during the week and i want to like don't want to spend the whole day in the kitchen it's just the texture of it is it's what i use for meatloaf like it's just ground meat is the best if we're going for the caviar option is it with the uh the crisps the potato chips if you will crisps potato chips just kind of dipped in i don't want flavors there's a french brand called Breton, B-R-E-T-O-N, which is very prevalent here.

1:04:24It's hard to find in the US. Those are really good. The ridgy ones. They have to be solid. Lays are very good, but they're so thin that sometimes when you put it into the caviar, they just break apart. Heartbreaking. Wow. First world problems. Don't you hate it when your chip breaks in caviar? I mean, that should be the name of this podcast, to be fair. So there's a trigger warning at the top of every episode. That's world problems. That's world problems. We're about to complain. No, but you know what I mean? like you want them to be like sturdy enough to like carry and i love a fresh blini but the crunch of the salt on salt it goes nicely we did it with pringles on christmas eve i'd fuck with that yeah it was really good but that is you can't be dipping you're spooning well unless you take two or three of them yeah pringles are the most satisfying when you take 10 of them yeah put them in and it's that crunch oh yeah that is good that tin is so satisfying have we not talked about that on the podcast yet crunching multiple pringles yeah do you want to know something really random that was just an intrusive thought in my brain and I started speaking, so I guess I will.

1:05:20You want to know when I learned that I was going through puberty? Yes, I do. That wasn't my next question. It's not funny. When I remember putting my hand into a tin of Pringles and it didn't fit. And I was like, whoa, I'm like becoming a big boy. Yeah, yeah. I've never thought of that before, but I just remembered that thought. I'm becoming a big boy. Isn't that weird? I had a really similar thing. I don't think I said big boy, but yeah, sorry, go ahead. I had a very similar thing when I was going through puberty. I'd go on. My dick would have gone. I knew it. I knew it. It's a legit. It's a legit.

1:05:54But Pringles. Careful, ladies. So every time you have Pringles, do you think about that moment? I don't, but it literally just hit me now when you described having them. From now on, every time you have Pringles, you're going to think about when you realize you're going through puberty. Yeah, and I hope all of your lovely viewers try and think about when they first hit puberty and like what that felt like. Get in contact. Send Benito an email. when did you first go through puberty? There you go. Every single detail, please. Thank you so much. I realised I was going through puberty when I looked in the mirror and I had a moustache like the Pringles man.

1:06:25Yes. It's like the Pringles man staring back at you. It's like five hairs. Yeah, Julius Pringles. One of our first bits of material when I started doing stand-up was a bit that I thought was relatable about like, I'd say, hey everyone, do you remember when you were in school and you didn't have pubes yet but you told everyone that you did and there's just absolutely silence I guess that's that I guess that's not a relatable bit of material that was the first draft back to the writing table no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no you've got to try these things yeah yeah yes that's what the open mic circuits for I will eat now and again I'll be eating peanut butter with a spoon I'll definitely take a little what I like to do is get a teaspoon peanut butter and then dip it in jam that's nice just have it on a teaspoon just to put peanut butter and jam that's great now and again And I'll do square of chocolate, spoonful of peanut butter straight on top.

1:07:16Date, medjool date, peanut butter inside. It's like a Snickers. That's fancy. If you haven't had a Snickers in a long time. Never had a Snickers. Yeah. If for some reason Snickers aren't available in your area, but medjool dates and peanut butter are. You are set. They started putting those, and I don't go, I've been able to do a pretty standard gym, but they started just putting medjool dates out for free. Have they? That's not a standard gym, man. That's not standard. It is a standard gym. It's a very bog standard, and they just suddenly started doing it. what's bog standard though it's just got make the equipment it's not fancy what else do you get for free yeah nothing you don't get well there's free fruit Fridays is the dates included in the free fruit Fridays no no no do they have towels do you have to bring your own towel yeah I had to shower there for a few weeks because we were having building work done and I had to bring my own towel okay so they don't do towels but they do do dates yeah that is weird that's a weird gym isn't it they stop doing the dates now but for a little while there were dates out how long were they doing dates it was like on like random days for about a month you never knew when there was a wee date stones in or stones out I never picked one up so I don't know if the stones were in or stones were out I can't resist I was like I'm here I'm here to work out I'm not stuffing my face with dates good post workout snack though it is very good yeah but I don't know enough about that stuff so yeah don't risk it I'm like I'm not eating that's the trick I bet if I eat that try and come back tomorrow and my membership's been revoked because I didn't pass the test.

1:08:43What's the test in that scenario? You ate food. You're not allowed here again. Resist. Yeah, yeah. Free Fruit Fridays always take advantage. There's a bowl of apples, bowl of pears, bowl of bananas. I try and get there early on Free Fruit Fridays. Otherwise, nothing but pears. Pears get left, last. They're the last one. You're not eating that after a while, can't you? They're kind of messier to eat, I suppose. Yeah. People are either eating bananas on the way in or eating apples on the way out. Where are you having a pear? Are you not eating an apple on the way in? Would that be out of the question?

1:09:11Yeah, it's not doing you any good. Right. Bananas go straight to your legs, is what my mum says. Yeah, correct. Hang on. What do you mean correct? Like, as in it gives you strength in your legs. Is that what I think? Yes. How can it gives you strength in your legs? I remember mum always being like, have a banana. Go straight to your legs? Yeah. You've heard this phrase? Just now. No, but like... Why do you take that in your stride so much? That's one of the weirdest phrases I've ever heard. I think so. It goes straight to your legs, as in like, fortifies you. Right. And gives you energy. Go straight to your legs.

1:09:40Bananas go straight to your legs. I would think of a phrase like if someone said, oh, I don't eat that, it goes straight to my hips, which doesn't mean fortified, does it? That means put weight on. No, mum didn't say that. But a banana goes straight to your legs. As in it gives you strength to run up a hill. Yeah. Because also now I'm imagining someone's legs going bendy like a banana. Oh, no. No. You've got the wrong end of the stick there. I've got completely the wrong end of the stick. Yeah. Go straight to your legs. I think all of it can be true. Yeah. Where does a date go then? Well, dates, unfortunately, dates are just quite sugary, aren't they?

1:10:07Yeah. Yeah, you see? This is the trap they were laying. and I'm not going to fall for that. There's so much conflicting advice on dates. I can't sift through it all. But do you want, as a little bonus dish, for your dream menu, I can give you the date with the peanut butter in it. I don't want that till the end, though. Save it. Put a pin in that. We'll come back to it. Save it. That will come in to play. So what is this main course, actually? Have you got lots of options? Because we can help maybe narrow it down. Or are we in a scenario where you can't remember any of them? I can't remember anything.

1:10:35Well, no, I can't remember going to a restaurant. I can't think of like, Like, oh, I went to this restaurant, like Mezcal, went to Tuscany and had Italy, you know, pasta and whatnot. I can't do that. I can't remember places. What I want to eat the most, which is so pathetic, is like burnt vegetables. Okay, let's pick this apart. I want to like, like a butternut squash, chopped up, roasted in the oven. Feta cheese, avocado, butter beans. But the bold beans, have you had those? No. Oh my God. I never cared about butter beans before in my life. and these bold beans are like insane and then pine nuts and then loads of dressing it's not it's very rare that I completely it's not indulgent but that's exactly what I want I'm so sorry no no when you said burnt vegetables oh I know I know I thought disaster you described it I thought delicious delicious but you can do it with cauliflower you can do it broccoli but that's sort of what I do on rotation always like hack something up get it to almost burnt like really really roasted chard and yummy and then avocado, feta, pine nuts, lots of dressing.

1:11:42Delicious. That does sound absolutely delicious. Bowls of that. That's fantastic. Yeah, yeah. And it is a nice, easy thing to make at home that is very tasty every time. Yeah. Well on board for that. What are these bold beans, a type of bean? Or is it like a company? It's a company. It's a company, yeah. He's going to be eating these very quickly. They are so good. Are they in a tin or a jar? They're in a tin. Wait, they're in a jar. Oh my God. Fuck. No, that was good because you said tin, but you acted jar. I know. I need to go to sleep. We have that effect on a lot of guests. Yeah, you were not first.

1:12:15They're in a jar. They're in a jar. And you're straight. A little drainage. A little wash them off, but they are so delicious. And you mix those in after you've charred everything. Yeah, all in together. Benito's now showing us the bold beans. There you go. Thank you, Benito. But that's why does it say 27? Oh, that's for lots of them, though. It's got to be buying in bulk. Queen butter beans. That's bulk, yeah. That's six jars for 27. Six jars for 27. Queen Butter Beans they're so good looks like a big jar as well it's a big jar it's like this big yeah 6 for 27 what's that what's the maths on that why are you looking at me I'm not going to be able to do that nope I don't think per bean what does it work out per bean Benita 48 for 12 I feel like I'm buying direct Sainsbury's is marking that up yeah you should be buying those bold beans I really should they also sell out yeah couldn't get them from Sainsbury's they sent me chickpeas what I hate to break it to you Carrie now you've mentioned them on this podcast you're never going to be able to get them again unless they will get in contact with you.

1:13:08What, Bold Beans? Yeah, Bold Beans will get in contact with you. I want some first. Bold Beans will get in contact with you. Okay, thank God. But you better answer the call, otherwise this is going to be flying off the shelves. You're going to get better getting. I couldn't get them last week. There you go. It's because you didn't come on this podcast. Yeah. And now your life's about to change. As long as you remember that you were on this podcast because you're saying that you forget, you can't remember any meals you've ever had. You've got to remember this. Or what tins or jars are. Yeah. Does it help as an actor to not remember your own life?

1:13:36At your blank canvas constantly. Yeah, probably, yeah. The more tired I get, probably, maybe I'll get better. You can just completely be the character. Just full severance all of the time. Walking into a new job. Who am I today? I don't know, someone tell me. Who's the character you've played that you most were just like, got lost in? She's not going to remember that. Got lost in? Got lost in the character. You were like, I feel like I'm that person now. Oh, I've never had that. Never had it? No, although when I did The Seagull when I was 21, that's probably the most idealistic version of that I've had because I was 21 and playing Nina and I was like very into it.

1:14:13I loved it. What happens in The Seagull? What's that? It's Chekhov. It's a tragedy. Well, kind of a tragedy comedy, I think. But... Who played The Seagull? I would have really convincing fake Seagull. Mackenzie Crook played Constantine and Kristen Scott Thomas was in it. And that was very, I was very into that. That's pretty good. That's a pretty good cast, isn't it? It was a good cast. Chiwetel Ejiofor, Mackenzie, Kristen. And I was really, really absorbed in that. But that's, yeah. I mean, maestro, I guess. I was very into it. Oh, yeah. But I wasn't, none of it, all of it is like, you know, take the wig off at the end of the day and crack on.

1:14:53So the very first episode, I got a cheese and onion bake from Greg's, opened it up like a pocket, put in some pickled jalapenos, ate it, talked about it. Yeah. That was it. Yeah. Really simple. But I did seven episodes, put them out, and they just seemed to, it was one of those things where, you know, got traction immediately. A lot of people were excited by them. A lot of the followers started going up. And then we carried on making them. And at the time of recording, there's about 105, 106 episodes. And I started out with interfering with existing snacks. And it's kind of, it's evolved. And because...

1:15:26I'll just say that the Snack Hacker is a much better name than the Snack Interferer. Yes. Yeah, but it's funny as well. slightly for not funny when you're in prison isn't it there is there is one little section of outtakes i've got of when i was so much later on about episode 80 i i did something else with a um this sounds really awful as well yeah but i uh i used the greg's cheese and onion pasty again but to make a kind of uh like cauliflower cheese taking cauliflower cheese which is so nice so i'll just tell you what you do really quickly so a lot of them do involve a bit of actual cooking because i'm you know i'm in the cooking so you get uh you get a slice of cauliflower you cook it in brown butter uh you toast some hazelnuts because hazelnuts and cauliflower and cheese really nice combination go down to greg's get a cheese and onion past the open it up cauliflower in there crushed hazelnuts onions the the burger onions you know the yeah the kind of dry crispy ones that is on every street food thing at the moment loads of those put the lid back on eat that oh my god so anyway that's absolutely heavenly but at the start we thought it'd be funny to have a little to camera bit where i'm saying uh you know three years ago i interfered with a cheese and onion pasty.

1:16:32And we must have done about 30 takes and then we've stitched them all together. We might put out some time of me just corksing constantly and then trying to make it sound better and it ended up sounding even worse. That does sound like the worst lockdown ever. You got bored and you started interfering with the cheese and onion pasty. While your son filmed it.

1:16:52So there is a thing that I make that shocks everyone. I got it from a restaurant that does not make it anymore it's a crostini so you cut thin slices of an Italian country bread and this actually contradicts exactly what I was saying you dry it out so it is cracker like then you put like a slab a pad of cold butter on it like a rectangle of butter and then you put a manchovy you put an anchovy that's been marinated in Calabrian chili, a spicy anchovy. Yeah. A spicy anchovy. A manchovy. A manchovy. And then you put thinly sliced shallot. Y 'all don't call them shallots, do you? Shallot. Oh, oh, oh.

1:17:44Same word. Same word, different pronunciation. Okay. And then parsley. I'm almost done. Parsley on top of that, lemon juice on top of that, and then parmesan on top of that. Now you're thinking like, Okay, yeah. Simple Italian ingredients. The combination of all these things, texturally and on a flavor level, is shocking. And that's my time. It sounds delicious. Absolutely delicious. It's so good. And I was on board with the thick slab of butter. I was like, this is going in a direction I like. I nearly shouted, take me to church. It sounds amazing. People really, when they see you assemble it, they're always like, okay, with the butter.

1:18:24Shut up. it just trusts me it's like it's so it's so good and it's really sweet laying the anchovy on its little butter bed yeah cause it is one fish yes you know it's a filet it's you really you really feel that yeah it's crazy how different anchovies look when they're like in the tin I actually how they looked initially I don't know what they looked like initially well if you had like fresher anchovies where they're more like just like white fish Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, so I guess they look a bit more like just like small fish. Yeah. But when they're all like brown and lying there. I know.

1:19:02They've really changed those. They're quite, I mean, they're gross. I've been lying. Like, they are, it's taken me a while to get over the kind of like, of anchovies. But now I'm fully like, I'll be using them left or right. Anyway. You only need one per thing, right? Because they're punchy. Yeah. Yeah. But some, you got to make sure it's a big one that can lay across the bed. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. The butter. And you tuck it in with a little parsley blanket. the first time i ever heard about anchovies was uh just on teenage mutant ninja turtles oh right they were they were like they were like it's gross they hated them yeah and i was like okay so i guess they're disgusting then right i'd never had one before and it wasn't really something i came across for years yeah and then when i did have one i was like you know what the big fuss was about michelangelo getting turning his nose up at this yeah this is quite nice and he was a party dude famously meant to be meant to be the party dude and he was like I don't like anchovies but he put weird stuff on him yeah it's so fussy for like a partier yeah I think it's you mentioned his fucking sewer his best friend's a rat best friend's a rat really yeah well I didn't know I didn't watch that stuff no I didn't watch that stuff I'm sorry y 'all what did you watch when you were a little kid girl stuff yeah no I watched a lot of I watched a lot I mean, I was really left alone with the TV.

1:20:21And I watched a lot of I Love Lucy. Was she big here? I don't think so. Not that big here. Have you never watched it? I don't think I've ever watched it. You guys. It's still the funniest shit on earth. She is so funny. I follow everything Lucille Ball on Instagram. I was like cackling to myself the other day. still yeah well that's more I mean I don't think about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that much so that's clearly she's got more longevity than clearly in Donatello and the rest of the lads yeah wait but really quickly anchovies don't you think it's so crazy that they they were like processing each individual anchovy yeah I mean I'm sure they're not like by hand they probably have a way to do it all at once maybe an old man on the can is doing that well they're taking the skeleton out right or yeah You occasionally feel like there's bones in there, right?

1:21:20But those ones in the jars that are so soft. Yeah. How the hell are they doing that, y 'all? With the soft bones. Yeah. But they must be taking the little spine out and stuff. That's crazy. That is so small. Yeah, yeah. Some of those fish can get expensive. They're like those tinned fish. I know. You can buy really crazy expensive stuff. I know. That's really a sign that we're on the way out. Don't you think? Yeah. that tin fish has become so expensive yeah yeah I mean how many times a day would you say you think to yourself even over the smallest things we're fucked I mean I think it's so kind of ambient now but do you remember when you first started like 2013 I remember being like and I was like well this feeling will go away and then it didn't and now we're used to it we're used to it now and now we watch films about dying and going in the afterlife to comfort ourselves in theaters this Thanksgiving which y 'all don't even celebrate it's too close to Christmas what are you guys doing tell me about it I have to go to Nashville where I'm from twice in a month's time which I love, I can't wait to see my family but like that's a lot that's two big old trips yeah that's crazy and then 900 months between that where I'm not going that's crazy I'm gonna order the best asparagus in season asparagus in the world cooked like steamed with the best parmesan in the world with olive oil and I've got a memory of a best olive oil in the world best olive oil in the world yeah probably from this place I went to in Croatia called Istria which has like four of the ten best olive oils in the world and if you're a foodie it's amazing it's a little peninsula on the east coast of Croatia where it borders with Italy and it's very small but they have four of the ten best olive oils in the world and they're also like the truffle capital of the world so I love the truffle butter that's going to come from there that's coming from there and on top of my asparagus and the best parmesan is there's just loads and loads of black truffle shavings and I have a vague memory of a delicious sort of very sophisticated starter with asparagus and a tiny scotch egg because I feel asparagus and egg and whatever so I think that gives you that kind of slight meat sharpness when you say tiny scotch egg it's like a quail like a quail scotch yeah but not dry like you know runny in the middle indulgent I love scotch egg yeah that could be on the snacks list actually yeah yeah it's like an ever growing a tiny scotch egg delicious scotch egg with like just the most beautiful asparagus with parmesan and maybe some pine nuts I really like this hack that you've developed which I don't think anyone's done before where you don't know where it's from or really what it is but you just say the best in the world best parmesan in the world where from?

1:24:36just the best in the world based on current available data best one in the world just looking at which I mean this in the nicest way possible James it's like having a five year old on the podcast best in the world I think I was googling on the way here like best balsamic vinegar best asparagus where is the best asparagus from I mean that is great because it's something that we haven't really talked about much on the podcast because it hasn't come up but people are saying like I don't just want it to be a specific one I've had I want it to be the best in the world well this is the perfection thing again this is like you know I've only got one go unless you don't even have me back I've only got one go well you're going to come back and change your order in a couple of months James grabbed us outside we're about to go and record an episode with someone else they're waiting outside now in the hall yeah he's asked to move tables I love it we've been recording this for weeks keep changing it no I think yeah like it's probably my personality the perfection project whatever you want to call it and I mean there are like people talk about these kind of ranked things don't they so why not i've got a fucking genie here yeah buy what other people say about it so if someone said this is the best restaurant in london would you go and be like yes it was and i'm glad i've been to the best restaurant in london and same with parmesan if someone said this is the best parmesan in the world you'd be like yes it is well you eat it i i probably would i would probably um buy into it i mean i haven't eaten all the restaurants in london i have definitely not eaten all the parmesan yeah so i can't really kind of say whether or not it is or but I do enjoy like a ceremony around food as well if someone I don't know much about wine but if someone says to me this is a really nice wine I'll like really enjoy it yeah take your time take my time and I like I like being with kind of the sort of what they call like the leaders of a certain discipline yeah the best in the world the best in the world the pioneers the best in the world the virtuosos of wherever they are yeah and so if someone tells me it's the best Parmesan world, I'll believe them, and I'll enjoy it.

1:26:38I'm quite a genie. You've got a genie, I can make it all best asparagus, best Parmesan, best olive oil, best truffle, best salt. I've sort of replaced you with God, haven't I? Omnipotent, omniscient genie. Yeah, I'm more of a like, I don't know, what are the angels? The seraphim.

1:26:59But cooking methods aren't the only things we've learnt this year. We've been taught about performative males, weightlifting and wine glasses. And James taught one guest a really good joke. You're darn tootin'. Here's Joy Crooks, Emily Campbell, John Early and Kunal Nayur.

1:27:21Have you also seen those men on the internet that there's a man that's a professional sparkling waterhead and he can guess every sparkling water and he's like from New York, Italian and knows exactly which is which. which is kind of amazing just testament to the fact that sparkling water is so flavourful yes and it can and something very different I mean Vicky our old friend Vicky she's salty so salty yeah and then Badoir do you know Badoir? sorry? I don't know it Badoit Badoir Badoir B-A-D Badoir Badoir a very light sparkle a very gentle sparkle that's nice yeah but is it secretly aggressive?

1:28:02possibly like a submarine yeah submarine water yeah yeah and the esophagus it does have a submarine in the esophagus feel to it doesn't it sparkling water yeah it does yeah yeah yeah it does i think if i realized that i my palate was good enough that i could tell the difference between sparkling waters even though i'd recognize that that is a talent that not a lot of people have yeah i don't know if I would pursue it. I think it would be too boring. I think you'd be a performative male if you did that. A performative male? Yeah. I mean, you're quite a performative male. Is there any other type of male?

1:28:42Yeah. Well, kind of. There's like, Premier League male. There's Champions League male, depending on where your prem is. And then there's performative males. And do you think a Prem and Champion League male will have a matchup? Probably not. Can you talk us through the Premier League and championship males. And then why is that? Why are they football-based? And then why do we go straight down to... I'm just giving you examples of other types of males. Other types of males, yeah. Can you give us, maybe through like celebrities, who's a Premier League male, who's a Champions League male, and why?

1:29:15Yeah. Let me think of a celebrity that's a Premier League male. So they can't be in the top four because they can't be a Champions League male. Right. They could be. They could be Arsenal. I'm Arsenal. Okay. Okay, wait, let me think. Or what are the qualities? A celebrity. What kind of celebrity are we talking? Well, I don't know because I don't know what the... Okay, so like Romesh Ranganathan, he's definitely a Champions League and a Prem male because he's Arsenal. So we're both now. But hold on. But what about his personality makes him that? It's really performative male of you both to go to the football staff and not focus on performative males.

1:29:54We don't know what they are, Joy. I'll give an example. I'm going to make you a Venn diagram. When you're at a football match and let's say a performative male goes to a football match, this is going to be really really important. You've lost me already. It's going to have like a Carlsberg, right? But the performative male is having an asahi. Right. I'm having an asahi. But isn't performative nonsense, you're just doing it for everyone else and to... Basically, yeah. You've had a matcher on your way to the Emirates. And at the Emirates, you're not just having an Asahi, you're having an Asahi from the South Pouring Station.

1:30:31Right. Yeah. Yeah. But that sounds nice. Yeah. No, it does sound nice, but I'm still saying that is a performative male thing to do. And he probably has like a carabiner on. Oh no. They're helpful for holding your keys. That's why carabiner is useful. You can clip your keys onto your jeans. Yeah. Well, I like carabiners, but that's a different story. But we're getting lost here. Okay. I'm completely lost. and Carlsberg reference no I get it James I think you're stressed because maybe you suffer from the symptoms of performative male I'm aware that performative male is being levelled at both of us but I'm trying to figure out what that says about us do you watch Meditations of an Anxious Mind?

1:31:10no oh he's a funny funny fella from Dublin called Frankie and he goes around and just makes cultural observations and his Instagram is Meditations of an Anxious Mind and he does a whole sector on like performative males and I think maybe on top of the Bin Laden homework obviously MC Bin Laden homework that you're doing maybe you should add that to the list as well yeah same birthday as me Osama Bin Laden no way yeah what's that? March 10th that's a nice day me Osama Bin Laden Drew Barrymore John Hamm I'm David Cameron and Bella Hadid so all the best people in the world all my favourite people actually Pop rubs or bread Pop rubs or bread Joy Brooks Pop rubs or bread Joy spilt her coffee I've just spilt the coffee The best I did it I finally did it I made someone spill their drink I thought you were really passionate about Zodiac for a second Yeah Oh I am And then I would have gone that's it that's the most performative male thing you've done today I think bread or puffer drums is potentially one of the most offensive things you could ask me

1:32:17Yeah Yeah Okay so my mum's Bangladeshi and my dad's Irish so that's like asking me to choose between mum and dad you know yeah we should change the question to mum or dad mum or dad I should shout mum or dad at people yeah well it wouldn't work for everyone no it wouldn't work for everyone would it some people some people would be like oh obviously my grandma yeah or neither or I'm an orphan yeah I'm an orphan yeah but we've got a very strict rule in the podcast we don't have orphans no orphans no orphans it's too it's too traumatic isn't it and it's not about trauma bonding, it's about taste bonds, right?

1:32:53I love soda bread and I love poppadoms. I ate poppadoms last night and almost ordered soda bread this morning. But instead for breakfast, I had a chicken biryani and a protein shake. 10 o 'clock this morning. A biryani 10 o 'clock this morning? Was this leftover or are you cooking it fresh at 10? It's never going to be yummy at 10, is it, if you cook it fresh. But it's nice from the night before. yeah so good great keeps cooking in the fridge i think i agree with you yeah yeah it just yeah it ruminates yeah it ruminates it marinates yeah ruminates and marinates yeah that would be the name of if i ever had a restaurant ruminate marinate ruminates and marinates nothing it'd just be called housewife i want everything to be called housewife why don't know just like the word yeah so what are you doing tonight housewife yeah just sounds right yeah i can't really choose opportunity sorry have both yeah yeah no you have both if it's because i think it's a reasonable like some people might try and hack the system and say both but your one is quite a personal reason yeah it's your parents yeah you know it's also not going to look good on us yeah you don't want to look cancelled just basically you don't want to get cancelled you don't want that's not real is it well no i'm not afraid of getting cancelled yeah because it only lasts for 20 minutes anyway yeah It's not real.

1:34:13Stop moaning Jimmy Carr. You're not cancelled, mate. This one's Jimmy Carr again. Yeah, exactly. But you wouldn't know because it's cancelled. That's why you don't know. He has the one with the suits. Yes. He did the Don't Laugh At All. Yeah, he hosts Don't Laugh At All. That show is huge, Don't Laugh At All. Yeah, he hosts Don't Laugh At All. And Richard. Yes. I'd love it if it was called Don't Laugh At All. Don't Laugh. Don't Laugh At All. Did you try to play it when I was on the telly? No. I tried to not laugh. No, I play Guess the Fee when I watch that show. Oh, yeah, that's a good one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:34:46Because everyone will have different ones, innit? It's a sliding scale on Don't Love It All. Wow. I think we might have entered the dread time of comedy. The dread time? Dread time of comedy, yeah. What do you mean? I mean, like, you guys obviously bitch like anyone else about your industries. Like, obviously, I love a good music bitch. We were having a little music bitch out there a second ago. Can't repeat what was said, obviously. It's like when I listened to the Bob episode that you guys did, and he talked about going for dinners to basically bitch about the industry. Yeah, I think about that a lot.

1:35:15Yeah, I really, I didn't know that I'd enter that for 10 seconds whilst sitting here with you guys. Yeah, welcome. Guess the fee is bitchy. Guess the fee is bitchy. Yeah, it's fun as well though. You know, I can guess the fee for Richard because he lives near me and I always look at his house and I go, television money. Television money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but also the lycra he wears to the gym is like, that's buttery soft. Oh, is it? Yeah. that's not cheap shit i'll tell you that for free i cannot imagine richard eydy in lycra i can well you don't need to i couldn't make eye contact you can't look at a man in lycra no i don't know how people do fiber sides when that happens surely eye contact is what you want with the lycra so you're because there's no lycra on the eyes it's the one bit that you can look at yeah but you always accidentally look at people's cocks when they're in lycra yeah sure that's why you're meant to wear shorts over it yeah yeah you know when men just wear leggings that's crazy no shorts it's a violation you get people like that have you had that with weightlifting people going I reckon I could do that oh yeah all the time obviously especially men bless them yeah you know what I mean shout out fellas yeah shout out to the fellas shout out to my dogs yeah but you do it they're like yeah yeah it's dead easy like I remember once actually I had a party at my house and some of my friends came over and he bought a couple of his friends and he was like chilling with his boys outside and one of his boys was like, yeah, that's dead easy.

1:36:45And his friend just went, don't ever embarrass me like that again. It's not that easy. You can't do what she does. Don't embarrass me, please. But his boy was probably like, yeah, it's easy, man. I can do it. I can do it. And his friend, my friend just looked at him and just went, don't you dare ever again. But yeah, it is funny. But the thing is like, it's really funny actually because like at an elite level, is probably one of the hardest sports that you can do but actually grassroots is very accessible it looks hard but if you have the right people around you and you start in the correct way and you start with the correct weights then it is really easy and people would be really surprised actually what they can achieve so i do think in that way you can it's just when these people just think or because i've deadlifted 70 kilos i'm going to try and clean it like it don't it don't work like that i don't translate it's so technical it's like it's not just the weight which i think a lot of people going I could do that definitely couldn't even do the weight it's every single movement and you've got to you've got to have it completely locked in haven't you like yeah yeah absolutely yeah it's it's so it's so technique like when I started I was I was obviously really strong from from the shot and I trained you know hard and I was humbled like absolutely and weights that I was probably strength wise capable of I was nowhere near in weightlifting because my technique wasn't there and it is just about drilling and keep going over and over again and this is why you know technically we like to get kids into weightlifting around eight years old because they're really good at learning the technique and it's not about putting the weight on you can give them a wooden pole or bar or pvc or whatever and it's just about them drilling the movement over and over again because then once you've got that locked in then getting strong is the easy bit whereas when you have to do it in reverse you have to like really humble yourself because you're like i've got to go back down to basics and get this bit right until i can actually put some weight on so yeah that's why it's a lot easier just to say i could do that and then never try.

1:38:30Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. You don't have to follow through. I wish I'd done that with stand-up. I wish I'd been one of the... I'd be real happy now with a bloke in a pub just saying I could have done it. I'm funny. Fucking great life. I could have done that. I could have done it. Listen to Off Menu with Ed Gamble and Nishkumar. I'd just go, I'll be funnier than these pricks. Be great. I hate all the different glasses. Like, why can't we just have it all in a Tumblr in just a normal glass. I love drinking out of a normal glass. Okay. I have to laugh because there's a huge reason, actually. You know, for something like champagne, you have to have the stem so that your hand isn't warming it up.

1:39:13I can't believe I have to tell you that. You're the one with the food podcast. He thinks olive oil is acid, if you remember. What if I'm drinking my tumbler of olive oil? Well, I can't warm that up. also the shapes of wine glasses are important because some of them have like a wide base a wide base to aerate and you can get some movement in there but also then a sort of narrow top sometimes to funnel the sort of aroma and stuff upwards towards the nose and keep it within the glass as well no one's ever done that can you believe they can make this is similar to like anchovy stuff can you believe they can make glass so thin it's mad isn't it It's crazy.

1:39:56We take all that shit for granted. You want to hear a good gazpacho story? Yeah. It's not a great story. You drink too late? Brain turned into a tomato. I started doing this as a joke, and no one in my family thinks it's funny, but I do love gazpacho. I really love gazpacho. When the sun's out, I order gazpacho. And I always do this trick, where the gazpacho comes, and I take a sip, and I spit it out, and I say, this is cold! Send it back! And the waiter's like, what? and I'm like, gotcha. Usually they think it's kind of funny. That's a good one. But sometimes you're an actor, you've got to be careful with that, with your powers there.

1:40:34Yeah. Because that could burst into tears because you've acted it so well. Yeah, usually I wouldn't do it at a place that I didn't know the server or something. I wouldn't hurt someone's feelings who felt sensitive that day. Yeah, and what if they rush back to the kitchen? Yeah, no, you have to time it out perfectly. Before they knew it was a joke, and the next thing you know, that's your rep on the restaurant scene. Oh my God. I would never happen I don't think I could be rude to someone like that but that would be terrible yeah that happens to people I don't want to get I would never be mean to a song I think it's good to have jokes that you do in every restaurant you think?

1:41:10yeah it's a little routine well I mean the classic is when like a big massive plate of stuff arrives that's clearly for sharing what's everyone else having? yeah funny that's a good one that's good yeah yeah yeah and they maybe when they pour water or whatever for you and you pretend it's vodka. That's funny. What's that one? Just a glass of vodka. Yeah, well you have a water. I don't know this one. And not while they're pouring it, but like, you know, people are saying, well, you're not drinking and they're like, oh yeah, this is vodka. And then you put the water and go, this is a glass of vodka.

1:41:47That's like something a six-year-old would do. I still don't understand it. I'm sorry for your mature joke that you're going to eat the whole plate of food you're looking for more in the joke than actually exists so they're pouring water and you're saying this is vodka that's it that's a funny joke when everyone else is drinking alcohol and they go oh you're not drinking and then you go yeah I am this is vodka that's a joke people do that I haven't made it up I believe you I'm still just trying to understand it I've never seen someone do that joke But imagine if you had, like, imagine a glass of water like this I've got here.

1:42:25If that was all vodka, that'd be mad. Yeah, of course. That's funny. Yeah. So if you're suggesting to someone, if they're like, oh, you're not drinking, and then you're like, yeah, I am, this is a glass of vodka right here. Then they're like, whoa, you went from not drinking to drinking a whole glass of vodka and having a problem with alcohol. That's funny. How would that go down if you were at dinner, do you think? first of all it would take 30 minutes to explain yeah I'm not trying to be rude I'm saying that that's not the best joke I've heard I'm sorry not the best restaurant joke I've heard that's a good restaurant next time you're in a restaurant you try it okay maybe it's because it's outside of the usual setting that it's not landing yeah but like in the yes if everyone's ordering a drink and I already have a glass of water and then someone says you're not drinking and you say oh well this is vodka come on okay that's good that's good stuff the way that you did it just then.

1:43:18I don't think it's good stuff. Huh? No, I'll try it. This is vodka right here. I'll send you guys some comments on the... This is vodka I'm drinking. Yeah. Imagine if you drank that much vodka and like one go you poured that, you'd have a problem. I just like to, when I've cleaned my plate, when the waiter comes back over, I say, oh, I didn't like that. Yeah, that's classical. Yeah, yeah. And I'd say, I drank all my vodka. If I had an empty glass, I'd go, that was vodka, but I just drank that to the waiter. And they'd go, no, it's not. It's water. I've been topping it up the whole time. I'll be like yes and I'll say yeah yeah that's good I'm sorry I brought up the gazpacho joke there was a way out of that but going back to my original thing I mean like Bloody Mary is just gazpacho with vodka yes but that does sound nice to me but you don't like the savoury I don't like savoury I saw this the other day and you will not like this if you don't like dirty martini anchovy vermouth to put in martini I would like it yeah or like a Gibson with a pickled onion I love it Blue cheese stuffed olives.

1:44:17No way, dude. Oh my God. Oyster. I've had an oyster martini before with a whole oyster in it. Yuck. I hate it. It doesn't look like any of these things. You're not going to land on one that's nice. At the end of the martini, do you just have the oyster as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the shell's in it as well. It's got a shell and a whole oyster in it. Oh my God. What if you drank that and then said that was water? What? Like you do the flip around. James, please. So what if you just had a, like a seafood cocktail like that, and you say that was water I just drank? lovely glass of water what reaction do you expect from anyone for that lovely glass of water what do you want them to say to that that was alcohol and then what that's that done a few people would get a kick out of it here's another restaurant joke are you any allergies only allergic to a good time oh that's nice a pint of vodka that's what I would say Or if you're in a seafood restaurant and they say any allergies, you go, yeah, seafood.

1:45:17Oh, that's good. Yeah, yeah. Or a sushi restaurant. Do you have any allergies? Yes. Anything raw? Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Water's raw, Fodg? No, shut up. Shut up.

1:45:31I still don't understand that joke, James. It's a great joke. You just have to be really comedy savvy to get it. But you have a glass of water and you pretend it's vodka. It's a good joke. Right. Anyway, we hit 300 episodes in 2025 and James and I revisited our own dream menus with the help of guest genie, AJ Adudu. Just before poppadoms or bread, I do have a quick chef's welcome. A chef's blooming welcome. I did a chef's welcome last time. He's got me. He's got you. A chef's welcome, but this is a genuine chef's welcome that exists in that position on the menu at the Hand and Flowers. Everyone gets a little sausage roll.

1:46:08You sit down and they bring you this perfectly sized like homemade obviously it's a restaurant sausage roll it's absolutely incredible okay nice nice pastry nice pastry beautiful like crispy golden it flakes but also it's got that fatty taste to it as well I love that it's a little bit of grease not too heavy on the sausage roll though not too in terms of yeah I mean it's like it's quite because the sausage roll I love them yeah but they can be quite gafing and to have that as a welcome yeah it's not too girthy we don't want it to ruin the appetite you don't want a girthy welcome it's not a girthy welcome not too girthy no no no just the perfect and it's your friend sorry I've got to stop saying that which is relative which is relative to people but it's relative to the sausage to what you'd enjoy but yeah it's yeah it's a beautiful thing and it's exciting to sit down and not know you're going to get a sausage roll and then you get a sausage roll but do you get a sausage roll every time or do they change that on the menu I've only been once right when you went did you get a sausage roll I actually don't think we did I went once and it was earlier this year it was just a couple of months ago okay did you get a welcome I it was my partner's birthday so you weren't concentrating on what was happening so when we sat down I think we were giving our lives are going to sound so bad now are we giving champagne oh it all comes out because I texted the chef in advance to let them know oh my god oh my god this can't go out we can't put this out Benito you've changed we sound awful you'll be able to track it how our lives have changed during this podcast your partner is not eating pork right?

1:47:46yes she's not did you tell them that in advance? yes that was it that's why so what did you have? they were very nice they gave us a couple of glasses of champagne oh champagne happy birthday that was the chef's welcome it was an edible it was a drink yeah it was a little drink which they might do for everyone who's their birthday to be fair if you tell them ahead of time I don't know that oh god but if I had to do it a chef's welcome I'm going to do a chef's welcome yeah and I went to a friend's well actually Paul Feig who came on this podcast invited me to a get together he was having and we arrived and he's got his own chef oh my god yeah so some of us are not doing as well as Paul Feig yeah yeah so Paul Feig's doing better than us yeah and I just want you to know I was invited to that too but I couldn't go yeah yes he was invited yeah and Ben might have even been no he wasn't he wasn't invited Ben didn't make the cut.

1:48:38No, he wasn't. But when you arrived at that party, you were instantly given a little chef's welcome from Paul Fee's personal chef. And it was called Steak and Chips. But it was, I would say, it was a cocktail stick. And on it was these tiny little, like fried potato, like mini chips, very small. Almost like a patatas bravas. Yeah, but little like the chip, they look like chips, like crispy chips. Nice. Like little matchsticks in their own right. And then a bit of like a very thin bit of steak that was like a ribbon that was like in an almost M shape on the cocktail stick, the way it was folded on there.

1:49:16And it was like the perfect mini mouthful of steak and chips. There's a salty, really juicy meat, the crispy, salty chips. It was, I was really into it. And I was actually quite disappointed. It was just, you get it once on the way in. How could I keep on doing laps at this place? Yeah, exactly. Because I was really, I was on a boat, wasn't it? Yeah, I don't want to mention that bit because, like, our lives already sound too bougie. You was on a bloody yacht, weren't you? It wasn't a yacht, it was a boat. But make sure, in the restaurant recommendations on the website, make sure you write down, you've got to go and get the steak and chips from Paul Figg's personal chef on a boat.

1:49:51Oh no! Oh no! I wasn't ever going to do this and then Ed goes to the master chef's welcome and then I just was like, what's the nicest mouthful I've ever had when I've arrived to somewhere and it was on the private boat party! Oh no! oh no oh my gosh that sounds so dreamy it was delicious though it was absolutely one of the best mouthfuls of food I've ever had especially upon arrival sounds like it fit for royalty that let me tell you the problem is this podcast has really changed James and I'm fine because I've never been relatable so no one expects anything less from me he's come up to your level yeah finally welcome the weather's great up here feels uncomfortable sorry so we've done the chef's welcome I do like that I've got that chef's welcome on my menu because that was so good I mean it sounds amazing but should we get you back onto dry land yes

1:50:57we also introduced a new format this year the tasting menus yes we invited John Kearns, Bridget Christie and Gem Brister back to the dream restaurant to be served the menu of another previous guest. Let's hear from them.

1:51:13And then the next thing that gets said to her, she would be like, never get fucked up the bum. My son's a bit like that, if you're playing cafe with him. Your son? What will he say when you're playing cafe? Absolutely awful segue, John. Think it through. The contrarian... John. Think it through, John. No, I'm thinking nothing through. The contrarian thing. Yeah. If you like kids will be having fun with you. Right. So say you're in his cafe and he's going, you know, we've got six ice creams. Now you're saying this. Obviously I know about your son's cafe. You've told me about it. The listeners don't know.

1:51:47Yeah. I think we need to hear about your son's cafe. So when you're talking about your son's cafe. So you're basically on off menu every day of your life, really. Yeah. How old's your son? Three. And he likes to play cafe. Beer. That's his life. Yeah. That's his life. That's his raison d 'etre. Raison d 'etre. That's one of the dishes. So is he running the cafe? He runs the cafe. Yeah. I did message James. There was one day he goes, right, you know. So is your son as world-weary as you already? No, no, no. He's like, right, cafe. So you sit there. He's like, okay. Another day at work. If you don't like it, it gives you a plate empty.

1:52:29Yeah. if you don't like it that's fine you just spit it into my mouth that's his cafe that's the rule of the cafe the way you phrased it when you texted me is that he said to you if you don't like the food I serve you can spit it back in my mouth which I find if you don't like the food I serve a really funny phrase chuck it in there if you don't like the food I serve I thought you could spin it back in my mouth. Really aggressive cafe owner. But still making himself quite subservient at the end. Yeah. But getting the food spat back in his mouth. So it's like he's in charge, but at the same time...

1:53:08Have you ever mimed spitting the food into his mouth? No. No, because you always like the food. I mean, the thing is, like, if you've got a restaurant, if a waiter has to do that, the waiter's going, you should really be spitting this in the chef's mouth. So is he not the chef as well? He's everything. He's the proprietor. He runs the place. So, yeah, in that respect. Does he tell you what he's serving you? Well, he's never got what you want. He says, no, but it's usually ice cream. And he goes, what do you want, strawberry, chocolate or yellow? Yeah, yeah. And you go, yeah, I'll have some chocolate, please.

1:53:48He goes, we've run out. So you go, oh, that's a shame. He's just offered it. Yeah. So then you go, well, okay, I guess I'll have some strawberry. We've run out of strawberry. We're closed. That is how it happens. Do they think that's funny? Is he laughing at that? No, because you can't laugh. But is he laughing? No, he's serious. He's like, what are we going to do? We're closed. So then you go, oh, I've got to come back. He's like, yeah. So then you walk out of the room, and then just as you're about to walk out, he says, we're open. fantastic he's got to think this is funny do you think he's messing with me I think he's got to know that that's funny do you get like mock annoyed about the weird opening house of the cafe you've got to go like I can't believe I've come all this way for a chocolate ice cream and it's closed and he's like you can't believe it and I'm like I can't believe it and then he's like he looks at you and thinks I'll come back after work okay just as soon as you turn your back we're open what's your job in this pretend play world because it can't when you say I'm going to come back after work yeah are you still a comedian in the pretend world no you've got an office job what is the job oh I stand in the garden is that a job hang on so when the cafe's closed you know the answer to that yeah you go and stand in the garden yeah but where's the cafe in terms of your house living room yeah gotta be but you go outside and stand in the garden can you see if he hasn't opened it before I leave yeah because you gotta keep walking normally it gets you before you know that scene in Goodfellas where De Niro is looking at the I can't remember the wife's name now but there's some new dresses and she thinks she's gonna be short yeah and he keeps telling her yeah just go down that alley yeah there's the dresses that's like my son he just goes keep going yeah yeah keep going but you're like you're gonna say it's open before I've got to the door.

1:55:57I know I'm not going to be standing in that garden. I know. And then when I am in the garden I'm like, was he forgotten? How long am I going to stand here? Do you not pretend to be at work when you're in the garden? Doing your office job or whatever it is that you're doing in the pretend game. There's a berry bush. There's like some black colour, I don't know what they are. Blackberries. So I pick them. Oh, he's picked the blackberries. Yeah, and he watches me do that. He watches you do that. He's just standing in the living room at this point, owning the house. and you're in the garden picking blackberries.

1:56:29Because he told you that they've sold out of ice cream and they're closed now. Well, it sounds quite idyllic. Sounds quite a nice way to spend the day. It does, actually. Well, actually, it's a tough way to spend the day. Ten hours of that. Because he's got wooden... This is the thing. This is the thing. He does have wooden toys of ice cream. It's not like they're imaginary. you can see it so he says it's sold out and you can see he says they've gone disappeared sold out don't have any and they're there they're right in front of you and also kids love like if he loves chocolate ice cream as the owner he can't sell it to you because he likes it he wants it for himself so what's his least favourite flavour so you go ooh you go yeah he gives you his least favourite so you go ooh fantastic you've got chocolate strawberry yellow and whatever the green one is right mint so you go oh I'd love chocolate yeah I'd love chocolate and he goes yeah you could have that one though it's like well I don't want the green how about the strawberry yeah but you have that one you have this green thing so this is like what we're doing I mean an owner of a shop who doesn't want to sell the things that they like in the shop oh a book shop yeah I like that book that's for me well I want it well no I like that book so you know when are you going to try and teach him that lesson that he's being a bad bad cafe owner hmm when he has to when he understands business rates paying tax, an electricity bill for the free, all that kind of stuff.

1:57:58What's he know his life? So the main course, he's chosen Christmas dinner roast, a roast Christmas dinner. So this is the main, and this is the sides as well. So this is also the dream side for Nick, just all in the main. So you're going to have lamb, gravy. No, I won't. Yorkshire put... Well, I mean, strap in, Bridget, if you're already saying no. why don't you have lamb and gravy I've never apart from in France that tiny corner of a bit of horse I've never eaten meat but you're not vegan anymore I mean you've already eaten the tortilla lasagna that had beef all the way through it no it was corn obviously no this is next menu no no that's made with beef yeah but you didn't say what the ingredients was the tortilla lasagna yeah we did we said it was layered up so it's the tortilla chips then like chilli beef stuff.

1:58:52Yeah, made with... Can I... No one said beef. We should have been more clear, but you've had it now. No, I haven't had it. Did you enjoy it? No, I haven't had it. We didn't mean to trick you like the bikers, but that is what we've done by mistake. Yeah, we've accidentally tricked you, so I don't think it's technically a trick. But I assumed it was corn mints, you know, with a Q-U-O-R-N. No, no, no. I mean... Oh, no, well, there's just no way I will have had any of it.

1:59:18Unless you want to pay for my therapy for a year. We'll have to... I haven't had a drink yet. Yeah. And I haven't had a starter. And I'm not having this main either. Well, you haven't heard the whole thing. There might be some bits that you want on here. Okay, go on then. No lamb yet. Gravy? Yorkshire puddings? No. No? Why not Yorkshire pudding? I'll have a Yorkshire pudding. Rice? Sorry.

1:59:46It's Christmas dinner. Roast. Sorry, rice? It's what Nick has every year. With gravy? This is what Nick has. Rice and gravy, yeah. Okay, carry on. Leftover Chinese food. Pigs in blankets I just can't Okay so so far I've got Lamb Lamb gravy No Gravy No Yorkshire pudding Yorkshire rice Rice No On principle I'm not eating Leftover Chinese food No Pigs in blankets No Meatballs

2:00:18Is this on one plate? Yeah This is the main course What's Christmas dinner? This is Nick's dream main course Stuffed vine leaves No Carrots Why not stuffed ironies? I thought you'd have liked stuffed ironies. I don't like them. They look disgusting.

2:00:35Why? They're perfect little parcels. Do you want me to tell you what they look like to me? Uh-oh. Horrible short penises.

2:00:49Yeah, okay. Well, that's ruined them for everyone now. Carrots? Yeah, 100%. Parsnips. 100 % Peas Yes Sweet corn Yes Green beans Yes Roast potatoes Yes Hot pepper sauce No Raw onion Yes He has a raw onion in Christmas dinner His mum especially I think he said his mum has like a bit of big bit of raw onion Yeah When they're having a roast She just nibbles on it Lovely Onions are fantastic And last but not least Sloppy stuffing I mean Would you like to take through what sloppy stuffing means? No I don't because I've got some ideas. Well, he makes the packet stuffing with water, you know, like the Paxo stuff, and he puts too much water in it.

2:01:34Deliberately. Deliberately. And does it in the microwave and then it's almost stuffing you can pour. Like a gravy. Sort of like a thick gravy or a sloppy stuffing, yeah. Sloppy stuffing. Okay, I'll have the sloppy. Really? I will. I never would have thought someone would have turned down the stuffed vine leaves and accepted the sloppy stuffing. Well, I have. Yeah. Why? What's your... Do you like the sound of it? Because all that's changed is the consistency of it. So stuffing has got lovely herbs and things like that. It's vegan, I think. Yeah, I think it can be. And it's only, he's only added water to it.

2:02:07So it's going to taste the same. As long as it's nice and hot. Pretty good. So you've got basically carrots and parsnips and peas and sweet corn and green beans and roast potatoes, a raw onion and the sloppy stuffing. That's what you would like to keep of that. And Yorkshire. You have a Yorkshire. I'll have that on the side or in the middle you know with all the veggies around it well no but I mean it's all coming on the plate though oh yeah well bring all of it out you'll just eat round the bits you don't like is it going to be touching the yeah I guess so it's a roast dinner yeah well that's a shame well it's Nick's dream Nick's dream menu Nick's dream menu I know and I don't want to be rude about his dream menu but I suppose I've got to be honest yeah oh yeah I don't think that people should eat things that they don't want to no And you don't have to eat it, but it is all coming on the same plate.

2:02:55In a piece of relationship, isn't it? Yeah. Again, that's not what we were aiming for with the format, but... Well, you know, food is huge, right? Food is huge. It's all I think about all day. Yeah. So you can't make people... You know, there's all these stories about kids being made to eat fat and stuff, isn't there? I just think it can mess you up for life, really. Well, we're not trying to mess you up for life. No. And you don't have to eat... It seems... No, no, no, no. You don't have to eat this, but it will be on the plate. Yeah. We bring it out to you like they would a tasting menu and just put it down in front of you and you can eat the bits you like.

2:03:30Because you're with me. You're my guests, by the way. Oh, lovely. Yeah. Well, then straight away, first thing you can do is all the bits that you don't want, a lamb, all of that. Yeah. Pop them on my plate. Will you have them? Yeah, and then you can have my spare veg. That's a good idea. We'll do swapsies. Yeah. Really good idea. Great. And then hopefully it's less like an abusive relationship. Yeah, that would be really great. I'm not eating this you're not having it either I'm going to order something else I'm still really intrigued so I've got I've got sparkling water I've got naan bread I've got fucking chickeny nacho shit I've got chips cheese beans and sausage yeah and sweet potato fries don't forget sweet potato fries oh and I've got sweet potato fries on the side okay so all of this are your kids eating those as well yeah my kids can have all of those yeah so far they've eaten the meal my children they're full yeah I need a drink I need something what do you want?

2:04:23just a glass of wine or something am I having wine? it's not wine no it's not Guinness is it? it's not Guinness no it's not Guinness no a lager? it's not a lager no oh my god is it something like a pina colada what is it? no Joe Domit's dream drink and this is what you're getting it's a protein shake

2:04:50so okay oh my god i knew what i didn't i say i said it was going to be protein heavy but i thought it'd be protein heavy with actual yeah food stuff yeah yeah not food yeah okay oh my god this is absolutely but what flavor is it i think he said strawberry didn't he like the strawberry one yeah strawberry that's like the worst flavor nobody likes strawberry milkshake no who's eating strawberry strawberry milkshake strawberry jam they're all the worst strawberry's the worst flavour he loves it it's his favourite drink his favourite drink strawberry protein shake yeah it's his favourite it's his drink so I'm never like I'm I'm I'm I'm hungry yep that'll fill you up though lovely protein shake I mean that will fill me up but I'll feel sad afterwards yeah really sad maybe do you enjoy a protein shake now and again no of course not why would I be drinking a protein shake You said you wanted a drink a minute ago.

2:05:44I do. Or something decent, like a nice glass of wine. I'm gagging for a wine after this fucking horrendous meal. But protein shake's like gym wine. Oh, my God. And it's also like a pudding as well, isn't it? Very sweet. It is really super sweet. And thick, yeah? Are they thick? Depends how many scoops you put in. Of the protein powder. I mean, this is for Joel, right? Yeah. So this is going to be one thick protein shake. Yeah, it'll be quite a thick protein shake, I'd imagine. Oh my God, protein shake with potato fries and sweet potato. Dip the sweet potato fries in the protein shake. That could be a little treat.

2:06:20Yeah. Yeah. We were horrible to Joel. I now do have protein shakes. Yeah, but you wouldn't have it as an accompaniment to your meal. God, no. No. Or your dream. It's like your dream drink. It's not my dream drink. You would be doing it like, oh, I need to bulk up, so I'm going to have a protein shake. Have a protein shake. Is that right? Sometimes I mix the powder in with yogurt. Oh, Jesus. Jesus Christ. That really just sounds revolting. Yeah. I don't really like dairy-based drinks. Is it dairy-based? There'll be, yeah, powdered milk in there probably, I guess, to make it foamy when you shake it up.

2:06:53Just what every lesbian wants. Okay. Some foamy, dairy-based, claggy drink sticking to my gums. We'll give you a penis straw for it. That makes it any better. Actually, that makes it much better. Okay. It's going to take a long time to get that drink through the penis straw. Yeah, I have to be sucking that penis straw hard. Because as somebody who has penis straws, the aperture at the top is actually quite small. Oh, really? That's the sight to behold, isn't it? That's just me chowing down on a penis straw, trying to suck up the most disgusting drink known to humankind whilst avoiding my side of sweet potato fries.

2:07:39Okay, great. Well, I guess this is the worst meal I've ever had in my entire life. Yeah?

2:07:47I still can't believe Joel chose a protein shake. And don't forget, we're doing Tasting Menu episodes live in 2026 at the Royal Albert Hall. There are just a few tickets left, so head to offmenupodcast.co.uk for tickets. Speaking of live shows, we had a residency at the London Palladium earlier this year with four incredible guests. Here's a taster of the shows with Rod Gilbert, Julian Clary, self-esteem and Catherine Parkinson. Are you much of a foodie, Rod? Would you say? Am I much of a foodie?

2:08:21If you're doing this podcast about food, surely you should have asked me that before you invited me on. You'd be surprised. Benito doesn't let us talk about food with the guests before they come on. I'll tell you what I've done as well. I've got notes. We love it. Because I'm so forgetful. I'll tell you a bit about how forgetful I am in a minute. But am I a foodie? Not really. but I've come a long way. Rod, would you like me to remind you to tell us how forgetful you are? Yes, remind me to tell you how forgetful, because it relates to food, how forgetful I am. But yeah, no, I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way.

2:08:54I grew up in the 70s and 80s in West Wales.

2:09:00Food in our house was, I mean, to be fair, like my dad wasn't interested. My mother was working full time, bringing up three kids, so food in our house was not exactly... I mean, I'll give you a few examples. Spaghetti bolognese. Lovely. In my house, when I was growing up, spaghetti bolognese was a tin of tomato soup, a tin of corned beef, stir it up, that's spaghetti bolognese. And I still have it to this day. You still eat it? I still eat it. Any spaghetti in there? I only found out it wasn't that when I got to college. Oh yeah, spaghetti. on a bed of spaghetti. Corned beef, tomato soup on a bed.

2:09:37My mother once, and my dad was very simple-tasted, a very grateful man. So he would always express his gratitude. My mother walked in once and put a plate of boiled rice in front of my dad. And my dad couldn't, he was very short-sighted, he couldn't actually see it, but his standard response was, oh, wonderful, fit for a king, fantastic. And then my mother went like this, she went, oh, I've forgotten the ham. She came out with a fork and a packet of, packeted ham and lifted out two pieces and draped it on top of the rice. Of the rice. But he already said fit for a king at this point. Yeah, yeah, and he was happy with that.

2:10:16So what did he think when the ham came out? Oh, it's just fucking mind blown then, mind blown. But he was very simple. Say, like, if my mother was away or not able to, we had sardines on toast. That's what we had every single time. And we, if anybody ever came to eat in our house, right, So if ever we had, I guess, call them a guest. Yeah. Oh, we do that in England as well. Would you call them a guest as well? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such an interesting culture as well. Tell me if I'm going too fast. So if we had a guest, somebody non-related, somebody not from the family, a friend, a neighbour, would come round for...

2:10:52My mother would literally, under the table, go like this. She'd go... Right? Kick you. And she'd go like this. she'd go, FHB, FHB. And we all knew that meant family hold back. Wow. So there wasn't enough food to go around, so my mother would kick us and go, FHB. And you'd go, actually, I'm not that hungry. Just fucking leave it. So I'm not a foodie, but I feel like I've come a long way. Fit for a king and just pushing it across the table. Just not this king. Now, Rod, I believe that you're quite forgetful. No, I'm not too bad I am quite forgetful It relates to food Because, I mean And my wife's here tonight The lovely Sian is here Hi, I know Sian was here Hi, Sian She's here somewhere Sian, do we not say hello anymore?

2:11:43We've been backstage for ages Trying to keep this guy entertained And we're the same I don't know if it's ADHD Or just forgetfulness Whatever, right? But trying to make I would say I've got a success rate On making a cup of tea Is about one in ten so I will frequently put a teabag in a cup wander off and forget about it another 10 % of the time I'll probably pour hot water on that teabag wander off and forget about it another 10 % of the time I'll pour the hot water on remember I've done it good pour the milk in then wander off and forget about it another 10 % of the time I'll remember it's late after a while and go oh this is cold now I'll heat put it in the microwave to heat it up and then another 10 % of the time I'll go back to the microwave later on that evening, hours later, and find a fucking cup of tea in there.

2:12:29Sometimes I'll put it on for another 30 seconds, and then I've wandered off again and forgotten in there again. I'd say 10 % of my cups of tea end in me successfully drinking a hot cup of tea. I love tea as well, it's a shame. That is a shame. That's a massive shame. I once, and Sian will testify to that, I once put, it was Christmas Day, about 2016, I don't know, I said to my wife on Christmas Day, Should I pop some mince pies to warm in the oven? Oh, no. I just pop a couple of mince pies. Now, down in Wales, we've got an aga, right? You know, country living. Yeah. An aga stays on. That's the thing with an aga.

2:13:05You'll know that. I popped two mince pies in on Christmas Day. Charlie, can you hear me? It would be fucking crazy if she could have not.

2:13:19What I meant was I guess that was a roundabout way of asking Can we hear you?

2:13:29A very roundabout way of asking Can we hear you? Can you hear me? Yes, right, I can hear you, all good Because we didn't sound check this She wasn't here earlier Anyway, I said Sian, shall I pop a couple of mince pies in the oven Christmas day around tea time? She said, that would be lovely When did we find them, Sian?

2:13:48May May the following year just to be clear May 17 I open the ark and there's two fucking discs two black discs I'm going what the hell are these and then we worked backwards through April, March they're the mince pies I popped in the oven on Christmas Day I have an aversion to meaty stew because of a childhood trauma. When I grew up in Teddington with my two sisters, my father was a policeman and my mother was a probation officer. And they had a lot of heated discussions about politics and things. Anyway, they had one of their discussions and they weren't getting on well. And my mother made a stew and it was a really hot day, I remember.

2:14:40None of us really wanted to eat it. And we sort of pushed it around our plates and left it. And she was furious. And so she got up and she got everyone's plate and she scraped all the stew onto one plate. And my father was sitting at the head of the table with this open-neck shirt on. And as she passed him, she scraped it all inside his shirt. I thought, good for her.

2:15:10And we were so shocked. I mean, she didn't plan to do it. I've discussed it with her since. She's never done it since, but it was eight at the moment, and she said it was very satisfying. And I was about six, my sister was eight and ten, and they burst into tears, and my mother and I laughed. So I can't really look at a meat stew, but there is a sort of fish stew. James is vibrating. that i've it's sort of southern indian i think quite coconutty and uh it's delicious where have you had this fish stew before um there's a restaurant called namaste in parkway in camden town have people heard of this restaurant someone went yeah have they had the fish stew have you had the fish stew no they've missed out no anyway that's my answer to that.

2:16:13I sort of want to ask more questions about when your mum scraped the stew down your dad's shirt. Yes. I don't know if I should. Julian, have you ever met anyone and thought, present company excluded, that you would like to scrape a stew down their shirt? I am quite like my mother I do do impulsive and unkind things sometimes and I've got the same sense of humor as my mother it's quite sort of withering and we do we require a victim

2:16:55be it you know I used to work with a little dog who not she wasn't a victim but the butt of the jokes or a pianist or somebody.

2:17:09So, what was the question? How do you choose your victim? If, say, you're being interviewed by two people, what's the instinct that draws you to one person or another victim-wise? I don't know. I mean, I'd probably go on the weaker bone structure.

2:17:37but I mean you mustn't take that personally because yeah don't take it how could I when you interviewed me on the taskmaster thing yes which you remember which I remember but you were there with your lovely bone structure then thank you and I was quite rude to you wasn't I yes very rude So that's just how it happens. It's just one of the requisites. What lovely teeth you have. Thank you.

2:18:13Fucking hell. Let's go to have a little suck through this slot.

2:18:24I used to have much better... You saw me pre-pandemic, I looked good. I lost it all during the pandemic. You look great now, James.

2:18:38Weak, weak bones. The mine, I think, is the... I feel bad now. There's no reason why you couldn't get tattoos as well. Up my neck, cut my husband with a Stanley knife. we arrive at your dream dessert all right kirk kirk kirk just want everyone to know i do know some philosophers she loves it good yeah what who's that danish it's stoic i love it i can't remember that a lot of good religious stuff anyway yeah i love that drink dessert now it's very specific it's very specific Are you familiar with the works of Mr. Rudyard Kipling? Yes. Hang on. Oh, let's see. Okay. Please, carry on, Rebecca. He does this thing called a cherry bake one.

2:19:37Okay.

2:19:41And they come in sixes. Yeah. And you'd think I would have four of them. but I have six of them in a bowl. Decant them from their little silver coats. This is good. Put them in the microwave for... Whoa. No one was expecting that. I was going to say 80 seconds but what I meant was under a minute. Both things can be true.

2:20:18Philosophy. So, like, 40 seconds.

2:20:25You're very nimble. Yeah. Not nimble enough to get this goddamn fly. The guy grew up in the garden. He had to be nimble. Oh, yeah. Fair, fair, fair. Especially during the winter. When the robins were out. Burying all my food. Anyway, you put them in the microwave briefly. custard on the hob though in a pan ideally these days since you know six music played me loads I get the vanilla pod finest. Custard with black bits in Custard with black bits in almost all of the pot of custard and that's my favourite dessert. Great. This is great What's wrong with that? No that is delicious, I was going to really back you on that actually I think that is fantastic.

2:21:11Is it custard from a particular place just yeah i like tesco or sainsbury's finest a good like four pound 50 yeah nice proper custard and how did you just because this sounds like a dessert you invented no it's genuinely from childhood like my mom and dad would do we'd have sunday we would have sunday dinner and then it would be like a a dessert in a silver jacket you know it was different types of dessert. Always buy Mr. Rudyard Kipling? Yes. Every time. So there's always be a Rudyard Kipling. Well, why would you deviate from perfection? Well, exactly. Tell me a Rudyard Kipling dessert you wouldn't eat.

2:21:56You can't. Benita, can you put the full catalogue of Rudyard Kipling desserts on the screen, please? No, I can't tell you. Can you? No, I don't. I mean, Rudyard Kipling means a lot to me when me and my wife first met we like hanging out for a long time we just used to sit in the house and rot and just eat loads of mini battenbergs and just this is this is mad like watching her eat mini battenbergs she's peel the the icing and the marzipan off eat that first and then eat then eat the cake just straight in like a like a beaver chewing a log i can see why you Married her. Yeah. But one day I'm going to marry that marzipan beaver.

2:22:40How long have you been married? Since 2021. They've been together for like... Loads. 30 years. Oh, you're one of them, are you? Yeah, yeah. Big wife guy. Wife guy. Yeah. Love that. Anything to add? I think it's a nice relationship.

2:22:59Can you remember when Kelly came up?

2:23:04You weren't here for that. Did you hear what we were talking to Kelly about? No. Can you guess? It was probably Corby related. No. She listed all the comedians you've shagged.

2:23:16And she knows them all. Yeah. Keeper of my secrets. Yeah. What will you do with the silver little jackets afterwards, by the way? Are you rolling them up? So, genuinely, I would make, because from childhood, I was a big Barbie head. my current male lover is really good looking and tall and has like nine abs fantastic that's weird though isn't it I'd want there to be an even number you know what ten the tenth ones he eats like so much food and nothing happens to him six sausages a day wow Honestly. No, nothing green passes his lips. Really? Anyway. Are you sure that the abs aren't just sausages, though?

2:24:06They might be tumours. Yeah. I call him my Barbie, because I like dressing him up in clothes. That's nice. Anyway, what were we talking about? I don't think it matches. I think that's all the information we need. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens to the little jackets, I think? The silver jackets. That was it. So Barbies, I loved Barbies. And I used to make little, you know those hats? Millennial women in the house, raise up. You'd make those hats that came up at the front with like a rose on, blossom hat. So I'd make little blossom hats for all my Barbies with them. With the little silver jackets?

2:24:47Yeah, quite easy to do and I still do it to this day. Lovely. Yeah, his head's too big for it. It'd be funny if he had a tiny head after the rest of the description of him. All the emusculation is shrunk. Really tall, eight abs and a tiny head. My guy. The great thing is his tongue will always keep growing. Yeah.

2:25:13I've had a right laugh here. I really have. Would you, do you subscribe to the phrase champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends? Oh, that's what the Romans did, wasn't it? It was the posh wine for the richer guests and the sort of dregs for the insignificant ones. I think that's what it means, that phrase. Do I think it's real pain for my sham friends? Do you get what I mean? Real pain for my sham friends. What does that mean? I mean, it's like, I hope people who just pretend to be my friends... Oh, sham, I see. ...real pain. I hope something bad befalls them. Oh, that's awful.

2:25:56This is what people... That's a bit much, isn't it? It's a phrase. It's not. I didn't come up with it. I think that's really unnecessarily unkind. They say, champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends. Oh, I... What were you... And why did you mention the Romans? Why did I mention the Romans? I think you thought the phrase was that you give the good champagne to your good friends and the bad champagne to people you're not bothered about. Yeah, I mean, I'm quite into the Romans. They used to use pheasant feathers to make themselves sick after a meal so they could go again. But also they always used to lie down to eat the rich Romans.

2:26:35And I find that baffling because, I mean, I don't suffer generally from indigestion, but I feel like if I was prone, you know, supine, eating pheasants and, you know, God knows, all these sort of rich foods that they ate, I'd definitely throw it up a bit. Well, it's difficult, isn't it? I do imagine if you have a mouthful and you're lying down, like chewing it and swallowing it down would be quite an effort, wouldn't it? Quite difficult, yeah.

2:27:05How long have you been into the Romans for? I my my degree was in classics and I um I really I get like actually sexually aroused talking about Pompeii um you know not sexually aroused what I get I'm sorry hang on again yeah I got I get I get excited by you know they found somebody who they their brain had turned to glass in the... I mean, it's time for... Slow down, Kevin. I've got an erection. I know you've changed your mind since then, but initially you did say you were sexually aroused by the tragedy of Pompeii. No. Yeah, no, that makes me sound really like a psychopath. I'm getting excited.

2:27:56Like, you know, I'm into a bit of mudlarking. I do get excited about those things, which I suppose you could dismiss as geekery, but actually it's really profound, and if you're not into it, you're a bit of a cunt.

2:28:21Did you want to ask what mud larking was, James? Yes, mud larking, I don't know what that is. It's larking in the mud. I mean, basically, it's... I mean, I think you do technically need a licence, but You just sort of go to the riverbanks or whatever and find things like, you will always find something, maybe a bone dice or a bone pipe or a bit of a glass bottle or some dentures. And there you are. It's like you're time travelling. But it is very interesting. Is this something you do? No. Yeah, no, I have done it. And if you go on a guided tour, you do have to put everything back, which is a shame because...

2:29:03Yeah, it's like that. But, you know, I found a groat. I found a groat once. Well, my husband found a groat, but, you know. I say I found it, and it was... Poor man can't have anything. Yeah.

2:29:19But then you have to put it back. So you have to rummage around in the muddy banks of a river, find something that is adjacent to just trash, and then you can't even keep it. You're told you have to put it back in the mud. And you can't wear an apron like I did at TGI Fridays to get the cookie stuff in there. You'd look too suspicious if you were down on the riverbanks with an apron with a massive flap. You'd be rumbled. But no, it's just an interesting thing to do. that's got nothing to do with the Romans particularly, but I just, yeah, no, I just like history. Yeah. Yeah. Do you like history?

2:30:01I do. Yeah, I understand that it excites you, especially seeing things being like, this was ages ago. That's basically what it is, isn't it? God, this was bloody ages ago. Oh, you really understand history, Ed? Yeah. But it is that. He still surprises me with his intellect and his knowledge on this podcast. Because a lot of history, some history was more ages ago than other history, wasn't it? But that exact phrase is what I think sometimes, looking at, like, an artefact or a painter, I go, this was bloody ages ago. That is kind of what you're saying to yourself. You're going, and they were the same.

2:30:31Yeah. This was bloody ages ago. Listen, man, I think I'm a bloke walking around in this museum, and one day those people were just blokes walking around, but ages ago. And one day you might be bloody ages ago to someone else. Yeah. God. Isn't that scary? Yeah, I don't like that. No, people might be going, that was bloody ages ago, IT crowd. That was bloody ages ago. Yeah. What do you hope, you know, in years to come when historians look back and they... What of your work would you hope they would discover in the mud?

2:31:09Yeah. I think I'd have to say my... You know, I told you earlier I had a lot of fillings as a child. I was telling you about my fillings in the dressing room. Yes. from the high sugar diet that was normalised in the 80s culture. Yeah. And, you know, I had some of those fillings taken out to be replaced with white ones. And the dentist said, God, some of these fillings are older than you. And I giggled girlishly, flattered, you know. Because obviously they weren't older than me. I like the idea of some of my mercury fillings maybe surviving. OK, I was asking about your professional work that you've done.

2:31:54Not what part of your body do you hope people find in the mud in years to come? That would be the most sinister question I have ever asked a guest. When you have died, what parts of you do you hope survive and are unearthed by future civilizations in the mud? Which bits of your work do you hope people find later on and, you know, that was ages ago historically? My fillings is enough for me.

2:32:23Of course, at the Dream Restaurant, we can rustle up any food our guests want, and not all of our guests choose to use the genie's powers to order something conventional. These guests made some weird choices. Here's Ian Smith, Mawon Rizwan, Nina Conti, and Chris McCausland. Christmas Ausland.

2:32:46Dream starter, Ian. So this starter, I've tried to basically take everything. It's hard getting a menu. So I just put everything that I wanted that isn't sort of featuring in other parts of the menu. And I've sort of combined it. But I think the flavours work. Okay, interesting. I want a risotto. Yes. Salmon and haggis. Oh, God.

2:33:14so you basically you're putting all your favourite foods into like one dish here that I feel like aren't featuring later on salmon haggis and say it with me saffron saffron okay salmon saffron risotto sounds like that could work I think the haggis is the rogue guy we're down to Scottish or pretentious again aren't we yeah but let me ask you this do you like pepper? yeah haggis by its very nature is just a very peppery dish I reckon a little crumbling of haggis is the same as having a pepper grind if the restaurant was like we've run out of pepper but let's heat up some of that haggis and we'll crumble it over stuff no one would notice so you want haggis instead of pepper well I don't want it instead of but I'm not using pepper if the haggis is in there.

2:34:08I've got enough. We've got haggis. So you're crumbling haggis over instead of pepper. Yeah, I don't mind whether the haggis is in there or whether I have it and crumble it in. With the hot coals, if I'm crumbling in the haggis, I'm starting to feel like I'm doing a lot of leg work. Doing a lot. We'll just mix the haggis through for you then. So haggis and salmon, saffron, risotto. yeah saffron I don't really know sounds disgusting yeah if you think about it well my question even a salmon risotto I would struggle to order that really? I would think is that going to be I love salmon I love risottos but I don't know if that would maybe it would be great I love a salmon risotto are you thinking is it a big bit of salmon on the top or is the salmon flaked and mixed through as well no flake it up I'm having to do everything here gotta flake it up I want it to be smoked like a sort of you know a smoky flavour to it saffron in all honesty I don't know what it tastes like but I've had saffron infused mashed potato twice in my life and can't put my can't really sort of put a handle on it but it was delicious and a vivid colour yeah it's a very vivid colour and there is a definite taste to saffron but you can't work out what it is but you know you like it yeah I guess so and maybe I'll have someone explaining what saffron is to me yeah they could throw out that fact about saffron being worth more than gold when it comes to weight oh I'd love that I'd love some saffron and some other what is it herbs and I want to herbs and spices and I've got to match them up to other herbs and spices oh you want so you want a quiz as well well Lloyd's going to be there so yeah I just want Lloyd to do the quiz so I can enjoy my meal bar here in the background trying to think of another herb in my head fennel seeds I think all day long I think you should just let Lloyd do the quiz I would say there's enough going on in this dish already you shouldn't be then biting into loads of other raw herbs and spices and trying to work out what they are I'll accept that as a criticism I was going to suggest maybe you have like You know, your starter could be like a board that's got like a little salmon fillet on, a little bit of haggis next to it, some saffron mash.

2:36:40But do you like risotto so much that it has to be all in a risotto? Is a risotto a big deal for you? Let's not talk him out of this. No, you're still going to have this. But I also think, imagine if every chef did that, just put four ingredients on a tray and just went, have them individually. Yeah. It's all about discovering flavour combinations. and you're not going to make a discovery if you don't try. Yes. Well, I would say, imagine if every chef did this. He took four things that aren't on the menu and just chucked them together because they would like to see them make an appearance and chucked them out.

2:37:15I think you'd occasionally get something fantastic. You've always got to apply the rule, imagine if every chef did this. But sometimes the dream meal is not something a chef would do. Sometimes the dream meal is something you'd do at home if you just had things in the fridge and put them all in a bowl together, right? Listen, I've listened to this podcast. People say daft shit. People are off their fucking heads on this podcast. So you're a big fan of weird flavour combinations. No, I just... Do you do them at home? Have you ever discovered a flavour combination you like at home? Hmm. I don't think I have, no.

2:37:50I'm trying to think if I've invented my own flavour combination. Yeah, that's what I asked. I couldn't have done. Look in your diary, does it say... Well, I would have put that under blue. that would be under I believe we've had a new flavour combination no I mean I like it genuinely looked in your diary for ages then listen I'm a physical comedian I'll do an act out and I'll do it on a pod yeah I'll do it on a pod now we've got cameras going that could be the viral clip yeah get a sound effect of pages turning in yeah we do that yeah yeah put that in some post oh that's not pages turning oh no that's not that's someone absolutely speeding through a risotto I found out what arancini was when I ordered arancini as a starter and then a risotto as my main and everyone was like what?

2:38:39like I don't know what the problem is here but yeah it was a ricey meal yeah they're like risotto balls that are deep fried right and then you had the insides of arancini guts yeah and there was a rice pudding option for dessert and I almost wanted to take it to be like, that's what I like, and I'm leaning into it. Yeah, do the treble. What are you going to call this dish? Oh, yeah, that's good at the minute. Well, I mean, salmon's Scottish, haggis is Scottish. Where does saffron come from? I think probably North Africa. Wow, if he's got that right, I'm very impressed. Mediterranean and parts of Asia.

2:39:19Wrong continent. Yeah, so I guess something that combines Scotland, Mediterranean, and parts of Asia in its title. Is there a way you can do that? There must be. And don't edit out any of the time it takes me to think of this. Muck. Straight in with muck. Straight in with muck, you're on safe ground. Now he's got to go Megatarian and parts of Asia. Now I feel more scared. Muck. You could just say salmon here and yeah but I mean McMediterranean just say McOlive McOlive Surprise McOlive Surprise Yeah So the No olives No olives is it Is it What's the The food The Asian Mediterranean McOlive Surprise McOlive Surprise I guess The surprise is there's no olives Saffron McOlive Surprise Saffron Yeah Saffron is the surprise Yeah So McOlive Surprise Yeah Well also the surprise is there's no olives Yeah Salmon's not mentioned yeah well I mean I didn't I thought I'd be able to say my menu I didn't think I'd have to name it yes and that's what I'm struggling with but you've got to name it if you've made up the dish from scratch I think that's the rule yeah also you're saying that you know you knew that you had to say what your menu was you didn't think you'd have to name it that's what you're struggling with I'd say you've struggled with your menu as well I mean this is like this starter is well only because bananas you took blood you took blood because we had too many details I don't know if that's my that's not on me this starter is loopy good breadcore so far though yeah yeah we're forgetting about that you know what I would absolutely eat that starter I don't know if I would enjoy it I would try it but I would give it a go if I was at your house for a dinner party yeah yeah and I made it and you made it I would obviously out of politeness would eat it and who knows I might even love it yeah that's got classic come dine with me episode written all over it really yeah we're all slagging you off in the car on the way yeah yeah I wouldn't make that for other people I think I'd only make it for myself yeah because I'd expect a criticism like this.

2:41:27I think the Come Dine With Me producers would be like, if they heard about that, they'd be like, you should make that for everyone when they come round. Yeah. And it would be one of the episodes where the other people look round your house and they find your paper diary and they're all laughing. Your highlighter paper. Yeah, yeah. The only thing I've got in my fridge is one shelf is salmon, one shelf is haggis, one shelf is saffron. I don't even know if you're supposed to refrigerate that. Yeah. Also, I would say that you have to make it for other people otherwise we're going to have to get you to change the name again because you can't surprise yourself.

2:41:58It can't be called McAuliffe Surprise and you only make it for yourself. What about, no, McAuliffe Surprise you get a huge spice rack. It's spices, herbs, everything in it and it's one of those ones that spins. And you sort of spin the spice rack, close your eyes. You've got to tip that up. See an Ian, pretend to spin a spice rack with his eyes closed. It is absolutely. I'm looking up so people don't think I'm cheating. Yeah. Closing eyes and doing that. Yeah. Which I've seen someone do when I went to put my pin in. They closed the eyes and looked away. Yeah. But yeah, then you take whatever spice.

2:42:40Again, you've got to close your eyes throughout this. Yeah. No, I actually just black out the spices. Black out the spices. Put masking, put parcel tape over the spices. Or put them in unmarked jars or whatever. Yeah, get someone else to do that. Yeah, yeah. you're very worried you're very worried throughout this whole chat so far that we're trying to make you do more stuff than you think you should be doing is that a problem you have when you go to restaurants sometimes yeah well I've found myself many times in the kitchen doing a full shift yeah so hang on you're getting a spice at random yeah and then for safety as well so you've got the salmon haggis in there but then your last flurry is opening it up shake it in put that in yeah mix it around and then when you eat it you know it's a McOlive yes but the surprise is what is it cinnamon ugh yeah so that's your starter yes fantastic the greatest pleasure food wise already made me laugh the greatest pleasure oh Moan's chair just went all the way down for the listener we haven't had this before but the chair you set me up I think Benito did not set you up I think you accidentally knocked a little lever and it's made you go all the way down so that the mic is now pointed at your forehead I'm just going to say like this I think these chairs might be related to Nunu it's a similar kind of device I was like a God I mean look this has already been a great episode but I know what the clip's going to be yeah the clip's going to be when your chair fucked up just disappearing out of frame do you do this it's like power play man yeah it's a power play we got you I swear I didn't do anything.

2:44:23You looked at me as if I was doing it somehow. I don't trust you. We've rigged that up. What was the greatest pleasure I was talking about? Your side dish. My side dish is the greatest pleasure. Some reason I've like, just lost hope in life. You know what I mean? The greatest pleasure is that you just deflate. Go home now. Okay, no. If you do any kind of cheese bake, the crusty bit on the side that's a bit burnt the pan scraping I want a whole plate of that that's a good oh this is good it's the best bit fuck it happened again did you touch on the thing sorry I'm sorry did you touch on the thing on the chair I think you might have to stand I think you might have to stand fully off the chair to sort it out right I think when it comes to the question what is greatest pleasure then cheese scrapings from around the dish is I think everyone would agree is an acceptable answer for the greatest pleasure.

2:45:19Certainly. And I love the idea of a side dish which is just a whole plate of cheese scrapings. A whole plate of that. Yeah. And I want it done like a fancy meal, right? So I want a massive plate but I want it to be like a little centre tiny bit. Yeah. A little basil on top or something. Nice. A little squiggly sauce line. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want it to look like dregs but it's like dregs made to look like Yeah, yeah. Some fancy. Is there a particular dish that you want the cheese scrapings from? yeah a pasta a pasta a lasagna like a really English lasagna yeah a win I was gonna say London yeah and we are so there's no the riff doesn't really work if you'd said a we're in London lasagna a we're in London yes we are I would walk off this podcast forever I would walk off this podcast forever if you just said a we're in London a we're in London yep see you later the worst riff I've ever done yeah come in a we're in London get that on a t-shirt yeah so that like scrapey scrapey that's great on the plate when you've got the fancy thing are you having them like you know how people put the triple cooked chips and they do them in like a Jenga tower kind of way is that how you get in the the scrapings up are you lining them up are you lining them up in twos in like a little tower I imagined them like a pyramid yeah like a little tower pyramid A pyramid of Scrapies Grapey.

2:46:47Yeah. With a little garnish on top. Nice. And maybe even, it has a fancy name. Like, Dreg-on-der. Dreg-on-der. Dreg-on-der. Dreg-on-der. Dreg-on-der. Yeah, yeah. Is that the dregs? Yeah, yeah. I don't know what on-der means. On the plate. On the plate. Dreg on the plate. Dreg on the plate. Yeah. This is my dream side dish. Yeah, I like the Dreg-on-der. Is there a particular cheese that you want the scrapings to be made of? Or is it like a mix of cheeses? Yeah. Do you know what cheese recently I've been really getting into? It's the one that begins with E. Edam? Edam. Because it melts well, isn't it?

2:47:27Yeah. I don't think I've ever melted Edam. Oh, is it Edam? I think it is. It's one of the Swiss ones. Yeah, yeah. Emmental. Emmental. Emmental. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That shit is good. Yeah. You can have Scrapey Scrapey Emmental. that was part of a lasagna yes yeah yeah yeah yeah lasagna who do you want to eat the lasagna because obviously you're not getting that you're getting just the scrapings from it who do you want to eat you're going to send that to someone to eat it because we've got to get rid of it we're not going to throw that away we don't like wasting the dream or do you want Nunu to suck it up oh fucking no no no not go to waste what well you know what you did what do you want Nunu to suck it up anyway so we're not having Nunu suck the lasagna up no no I don't want food going to waste do you know what I mean who do you want to eat you send it oh in fact we've got a table at the other end of the restaurant someone's there who's there do you know I just send it to my mum to be like this is what Italian food tastes like do you know what I mean she's not buying that she's absolutely saying oh this is my favourite new English dish she'd be like where's the sweet corn and the baked beans they fucked this one up big time yeah your wonderful PR Fraser arrived earlier and he was saying that he had a cuttlefish lasagna the other day and I want to eat it don't say I want to eat it so much I think it sounds delicious.

2:48:42I think it sounds delicious. Would like ink as the sauce. I don't know if ink was the sauce, actually. I should have asked. Fraser can hear us. He's in the opposite room. Fraser, apologies. I didn't ask you what the sauce was. But maybe it's ink as the sauce. But I don't know, man. Cuttlefish. Cuttlefish is nice. It's like really white and meaty, right? Yeah, I've only had it recently. I think it's delicious. Yeah. But lasagna, though. Lasagna's all layering cuttlefish. Like bits of cuttlefish in a layer. it's a layer thing that's what's putting you off yeah man if you're gonna layer something it needs to be spreadable do you know what I mean this is like cuttlefish is like a little bit to me I don't know it just feels wrong I know what you mean unless you're minced unless you're like putting it in a blender and like turning it into like something like mince I don't know if it is minced I should have asked Fraser Fraser I feel like I I didn't hold up my end of the conversation you've really dropped Fraser in it here Fraser I've dropped you in it so bad I'm sorry man have you ever had parmesan crisps no you know when oh yeah so grated parmesan put them in the oven, they melt, and then you get them out and they solidify quite quickly.

2:49:42So it's basically posh cheese scrapings. Perfect. And you can buy them from like, I mean, I've seen them in Whole Foods, where you can buy tubs of just Parmesan crisps. Amazing. Wow, this sounds great. I'm obsessed with making the by-product the main meal. Yeah, I think that's really good. Custard, right? The skin is the best bit. And I know this divides people. I know it divides people. I need just the skin. If someone said to me, our dessert is custard skin, I would be intrigued I wouldn't say no to that right I did a I never I feel like there's never enough cheese crispy topping there's never enough custard skin yeah so I did a thing where I was like basically got custard and laid put it out in a tray so it was like like a centimetre thin great and it was all skin right but it didn't work oh because it cooled too quickly and the skin didn't form so then I tried it again and I fanned it didn't work so then I was like I think it needs to like stay hotter for longer.

2:50:37I can say this right now. I can't believe you tried it a third time. I think... No, you're like Heston Bloomington. This is great. But I want to hear the rest of it, but this is astonishing. Because if I didn't do it a third time, then what... That, I'd question my life decisions even more. Do you know what I mean? Like, I've like, if I've taken a day out to do this, let's do all, you know what I mean, do all the variables, get the Bunsen burner out. Do you know what I mean? So what I did, I put it on like, I rested it on stuff and then I put tea lights underneath. And it worked. Wow. This is why you're a success.

2:51:09This is why I'm a success. This is why I want a bathtub. Why didn't you shout out custard skin in your speech? You should have. I should have. My dream starter is a pistachio nut tree. What? Tree. Yeah. And you eat the pistachios off the tree because they're very different on the tree. Wow. And they're beautiful. They're pink. These lovely little pink buds. And the tree is a very beautiful tree and it smells amazing. I only met one for the first time last year. And I was in love with this tree thinking that's probably the loveliest tree I've ever seen. And I didn't know what it was. But on that leaf app thing where it tells you what it is.

2:51:52And our phones do it anyway. It told me you take a picture and then it's like Shazam's the tree. And pistachio came up. And that was so exciting. I was like, oh, my God, those little pink buds are pistachios. And then you can open them and they're pink and they're sort of fruity. And they taste amazing. Wow. That was in Greece. I didn't know any of what you've just said existed until you just said it. I didn't know if it's actually a tree sort of thing. I didn't know if it's a shazam tree. Like, this is incredible. Wow. Yeah, it's really, really lovely. I know we always think of them as those open guys in bowls and they're salty and they're colourless.

2:52:29These were really pink. And are they still in shells? Are they still shells? It was a shell. you had to kind of you bite through that with your teeth obviously they're not as open is that when you take them off and you dry them maybe I'm trying to remember I think some of them were maybe a tiny bit open but definitely I remember biting it open you bit it open yeah your dentist would take you off for that yeah molars yeah it works did your dentist listen to this podcast I haven't been in a while oh mine does obviously yeah what you've got to know about James is when he's not recording this podcast, he lives in an animated world, in a small village, like in a sort of Fireman Sam world.

2:53:10Oh lovely, yes. Where he knows his dentist, he knows his dentist with his full name. You know the dentist's full name? Yeah, yeah. And how long have you been going to this dentist? Quite a while, since 2018, I'd say. And you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that was when I moved to that flat and then I just carried on going to, even when I moved out, carried on seeing the same dentist. And seven years that you've been seeing this dentist, have you seen him more than once a year? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I go quite a bit to the dentist and the dental hygienist, and then I'll see them in the corridor.

2:53:39My dentist, I go, oh, just in the hygienist. He'll say, I listened to that episode the other day, and then as soon as he says that, I'm like, what food did I say I eat in that episode? Oh, no. Did I speak loads about sweets again? Is he going to? I mean, probably in the bad books. James is very obsessive about things like that. That's amazing. James goes to the dentist every day to have his teeth brushed. Yeah. Me again. because you're a ventriloquist when you're at the dentist and they're in your mouth I can, I can still talk that's great, do you do that? I know you haven't been in a while do you do them saying what great teeth you have?

2:54:17yeah oh no no your teeth are so you don't need to come back for five years yeah it's the very back of your mouth you're using the back of your tongue and the soft palate to form substitute lips at the back. Oh, wow. And that's where you do plosives. We're at plosive. It's written all over the wall behind you. That's how you form plosives. Humping the back of the tongue into the soft palate. And so that's got really not anything to do with the front of your mouth, so that can be open and things can be in, and you can still say Peter Piper and all that if you want to. Not a huge fan of the phrase substitute lips.

2:54:56No? No. No. I don't know just when something just scratches the wrong itch yes it doesn't sound nice yeah yeah sounds pretty horrible yeah as well as what have you said humping your tongue against the back of your palate humping's nasty substitute lips is nasty I've lowered the tone but I would if I was you I'd be talking all the time doing the dentist I'd absolutely love it especially last time I was there like when I went in it's the hygienist and the assistant just said hello to me. No small talk beforehand. As soon as they're in my mouth, they start saying to each other, so who do you think is going to win traitors?

2:55:33And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? I can't get it. I was having to like put my, like one of them said, to be fair to her, she said the person who did end up winning, but I disagreed at the time. I put my hand in the air and I wagged my finger. While they were in my mouth. And they were like, you don't agree? I was like. But you left the dentist there for your loyalty card. Yeah. I'd take that one. up there every morning. A pistachio tree sounds amazing. We haven't had this. Do you want it growing out of the middle of the table in the dream restaurant? We say it's time for your starter and the tree grows in front of you.

2:56:08Yes, if it can be sped along a bit. Oh, yeah, no, no, I don't mean growing in real time. Okay. Yeah. It's quite a long starter. It's actually most of the meal if you're waiting for it to grow in real time. Yeah, it's a very long time. I'd say most of the meal, yeah. We don't know what the rest of it is yet. It could be stuff that takes even longer. Yes, they can roll it out. Roll it out with this big clump of earth. How big is it? I think it's on a par with another tree. Roan tree, maybe? It's about the size of a football goal. A football goal? Thanks for speaking our language. You took one look at us and you went, we're going to have to make this about football for these lads hang on a minute I think the four of us could make about the size of a pistachio tree on our shoulders you're the trunk on your shoulders and we reach our hands out and we've got about the size and we should do that one day we'll do that one day and we're like acrobats on our shoulders all coming out of different angles yeah and with our fingers splayed and everything extremities out and each is a bunch of pink pistachio nuts I mean, this is really sad, but when I was in uni, I used to love pot noodle sandwich.

2:57:32a piece of white bread with a beef and tomato pot noodle spoon it onto the white bread don't even butter it just fold it over just a pot noodle fold over and that was a hearty meal for a starving student and I'd never dream of making one now you know at the distinguished age that I am but this is a fantasy dream restaurant isn't it where what goes on in the fantasy dream restaurant stays in the fantasy dream restaurant. So, yeah, I think I'd like one single white bread pot noodle fold over. I also remember, do you know what? I was so kind of unworldly with my foods. The first time I ever had pizza was when I was a student at uni.

2:58:21I'd never eaten pizza. It just wasn't a thing. I mean, it was a thing, but there was, like there just wasn't we didn't go out for we didn't go to pizza restaurants when i was younger going to a restaurant just wasn't a thing that we did really do you know what i mean and i and i also didn't like cheese when i was younger and i didn't know that melted cheese tasted so much differently to blocks of cheese yeah and um and a mate of mine and uni said you want a piece of this pita it was a 99 piece sainsbury's kind of thin smear of cheese on a burnt bread base and um with like eight pieces of pepperoni on it and i said no and he went you sure it's good you know and i had a piece and it was the greatest culinary revelation of my life is that peak that single piece and i'm glad i started with a 99 pence pizza because i've had to gone straight in dominoes i don't i probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale i it would have been too much for me yeah so that moment was um one of the greatest kind of shifts in my eating was the realization that melted cheese and pizza was incredible and i still had a world of pizza to enjoy from that moment i'd started at the bottom it's the best place to start yeah now we're here um but you know what if i could recreate that moment yeah of that first piece of pizza back then just give me that as a little side oh yeah nice so we're dispensing with the pot noodle I think I want to give Chris both because I like both the pot noodle fold over I think we're doing like Chris's uni years yeah yeah university years university platter as the as the side dish because I don't think we'll ever have a pot noodle fold over again on the podcast I think we've got to grab this with both hands very much sounds like an invention that Chris has come up with yeah yeah add it to towel socks or whatever.

3:00:09Feet towels. Yeah, trademark. TM. Copyright. 2025. I don't know how Bart is going to respond to the pot noodle fold over. I can't see him going in on this. Well, if he's out, if he's out for the feet towels, imagine Dragon's Den. He's out for the feet towels. Chris doesn't get investment leave. The next person in is Chris clearly just wearing a hat. Holding a soggy hair. Right, hear me out. That's you. I know that's you. I'll tell you what, as well, back in the day, like going back to like I don't know late 90s or something like that you go into a festival like you went to the Reading Festival or something like that in the late 90s they would have a pot noodle stand an official pot noodle stand wow right and it was a giant pot noodle and you'd go into the pot noodle to order a pot noodle and I like I would I would go in to get a pot noodle just because the thrill of being in a pot noodle was so much fun that you like the idea of being in the pot noodle was better than the pot noodle so it'd almost feel like you were going on a ride yeah just do you want your dream meal to be in a pot noodle a massive pot noodle a Christmassy one yeah yeah well yeah if it fits if it fits the format yeah let's not forget that this is this will have to be a big pot noodle restaurant in the middle of an episode of Frasier yeah I love it giant pot noodles the size of the Seattle Space Needle.

3:01:38But honestly, so the whole, it just looked, because I could see back then, for the people at home, it just looked like a huge pot noodle. But the front of it was cut out like a little doorway and you'd walk in the pot noodle and you'd come out the big pot noodle with a little pot noodle. And even just now, the thought of it's making me giddy with excitement. It's a thrilling thing to do. where else do you get to go in the big thing and come up with a little version of the big thing yeah that's a good point yeah there's not enough of that in life Eiffel Tower maybe that's a commemorative thing isn't it like yeah but but not an actual fit it's not working I know what you mean outside of landmarks yeah big pot noodles is probably the only example of that I mean if you got to like if you were at a burger shop make it a big burger and then the amount of people that would go in the big burger to come up with a little burger Oh, your burger sales have gone through the roof.

3:02:34Yeah, literally.

3:02:43Now normally on the best of episodes, we'd have a section about the national treasures who have appeared on the podcast over the last 12 months. But this year, we've had global icons dine at the Dream Restaurant. I cannot believe these people agreed to be on the podcast either. Let's hear from Jeff Goldblum, Gillian Anderson, Kate Winslet.

3:03:04I've gotten to the point these days where I don't want to waste my appetite, which is always healthy. I can always eat and I'm always interested in eating. But I don't want to waste just any meal on just filling my stomach up with fuel, although it's medicine. And I want to do that. But I want it to be special and entertaining without being unhealthy and delightful, wonderful, an experience. I know exactly what you mean. You don't want to waste a meal at all. You want it to be nice, delicious, but also make you feel good afterwards. It's a difficult balance to strike. Yes, don't you find. But a worthwhile little mission, endeavor.

3:03:47and I enjoy doing that with other people because as you know, it's a social event. I have a couple little boys and a wonderful wife and she cooks and I love home cooking. We'll talk about all that. And I love the boys. They make me things. They're already very handy in the kitchen. One particularly is very helpful. He makes me every day a cup of coffee. We have this nice machine and he knows how to, he's very capable. That's useful. Better than I can. You know, when he's not there, I kind of don't use it. I don't make myself a coffee. You know, I'm a little bit like that. How old is he? Nine. That's incredible.

3:04:22He's been doing that for a couple of years. Yeah, yeah. Oh, he's fantastic. He's fantastic. And I'll tell you this. Now that's come to mind, River, that's Charlie. River, who's seven, another delightful boy. Amazing. He has, we had a pretend kitchen. Not like we used to have when I was in the kitchen. What was that called? The, you know, easy bake oven. Yeah, yeah. No, he had some wooden blocks that came in the shape of a half, half a hard-boiled egg and fruit. And he liked, having seen us in our kitchen, having some fake pots and pans and coming over and serving. He's always been very giving and sharing.

3:04:58And he likes to make things for us. He still does. He's a painter. He likes to give me da-da. Here's this. But he used to go spend a long time. Here, here's some more food. Now, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. How about that? Those are some of my favorite eating experiences. It was not even real. That is good practice. you're an actor, but you're always learning. And you're there, you get to really perfect eating. So the next time you do an eating scene, everyone's going to be like, wow, you really ate all that food. Well, now you brought up another. That's a portal into another subject which interests me greatly.

3:05:31The craft of acting and depicting real life. Yes, there have been, I'm sure you've talked to many people about it, eating in movies and eating on stage. Oh yeah, I could tell you a lot about that. that's a fantastic interview technique by the way to go i could tell you a lot about really i love you these guys look great you know what these guys look like wow what specimens what these tattoos are fantastic thank you very much oh my god yeah he's got a lot of tattoos don't be don't let him scare you he's trying to scare you they're fantastic i like tattoos and a caster yeah a caster i thought it was a caster when i read it of course but a caster It reminded me of that.

3:06:12Do you know that word animacaster? You know what an animacaster is? I don't know that word, actually. No. You know what it is? No. It's kind of like a doily, but for the purpose specifically, and your grandmother might have had it, you know, on the couch, which gets rubbed and might get threadbare. You put this little kind of piece of material, kind of doily-like, over it. That's an animacaster. Wow. I relate to that. You know, definitely often I can be like the buffer between like, you know, something that someone really values and an unwanted presence. Yeah. And I might be the thing that goes in between that and stops it from getting scuffed, emotionally speaking.

3:06:55He's very deep, isn't he? So much to unpack there. Oh, what a good brain you've got. Wow. Hey, have you ever eaten brains? Or all sorts of organ meats or exotic foods? He definitely has. I love all that. Really? Yeah. What's that called? Wait, wait, wait. What's it called? Oh, Welsh rare, but no, that's not right. No, brains are called, when you eat brains, that dish is called. Why is it called? You know, you know. You know what I'm thinking of. He'll find it. Do you mean like the general term for all of that stuff? No, no. It's particularly. Does your son have some wooden brains that he feeds you?

3:07:35Did your son have wooden brains in his. No, I don't know. He didn't have that. No, he just had the standard stuff. Although I'm thinking about that movie, I think the second Hannibal Lecter movie. Oh, yes. Don't, doesn't he? Ray Liotta. That's right, Ray Liotta. And he starts, without him knowing, eating those fresh brains right from his brain. That's gruesome. But, you know, I used to like organ meat of all kinds. I'll tell you about my current regime, health-wise. But, you know, liver and all sorts of things we could talk about at length. But what's it called? You're not finding it. Okay. What's your name?

3:08:10That's the great Benito. Benito what? I'm very good at this. Give me the first initial of your last name. Benito Woodhouse. Yes. Correct. PG Woodhouse. That is correct. I've read all of his books, by the way. Was I close? That is correct. Benito Woodhouse. That is his name now? It is now. Whatever you say his name is, is what it is. And we will always say it. Yeah. We genuinely will. Very good. My girlfriend drinks a lot of apple juice. Oh, really? Yeah, got to the point now she doesn't have to ask me to get it when I'm going to the shop. Oh, wow. She'll need a new massive bottle of apple juice.

3:08:45What brand? Are you allowed to say brands? Yeah, we are. But I actually don't know this one because I've literally got it so many times from the shop I don't even see the label anymore. Is it in plastic or in cardboard? It's a glass bottle. It's a glass bottle. You get a fancy. Yeah, that's a fancy one, isn't it? That's a fancy one. That ain't Capella. No, no, it's big. It's like a huge glass bottle. you mean the big ones like that like martinelli's with the no but like is this is quite a tall yes like big but it might as well be a wine bottle really right like a magnum yeah and i'm like that's always got to be anytime i'm going out to get something i've got to get one of those because she's guzzling that like drinking it straight or is she she's drinking it straight she's not doing that's not for me she's not doing this it's like she may as well have like an adult size sippy cup like a little kid.

3:09:31Well, that's it. I think adding sparkling water to it makes it a grown-up drink. It does. Whereas drinking straight apple juice, are you five? Is your girlfriend five? She's not. Just to be clear, when she was nine, which is still to come, she told me that when she was nine years old, she had her first crush on a lady she's ever had in her life. Can you guess who that lady was, Gillian Anderson? Well, I hope it wasn't her mum. I mean sorry fingers crossed not her mum I'm sorry sorry why would I be bringing that up on the pod guess what my girlfriend used to fancy her mum when she was growing up what do you think about that no she loves apple juice no she loves apple juice there you go it was you really when she was nine yeah it was just nine she remembers it very clearly she's telling me it's her first female she's old now yeah she's like in her late 30s I mean she would be yeah yeah but yeah you were her first well and she she knew she knew at nine that she had a crush yep she was like this is the real deal yeah right okay yeah like this lady is like I can't stop thinking about her oh interesting yeah yeah and what did your wife say when oh yeah I said we're interviewing Gillian Anderson tomorrow and she went like this so there you go both of our partners are very jealous that we're speaking clearly yeah rather and apparently my wife is like Les Dawson.

3:11:00That was my impression. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ed's wife's quite grubby. Oh, I can't believe you miss Les Dawson as well. Now when was this? You know Les Dawson. Old comic. Old comedian. No, I don't. I'm going to pick my references better moving forward. No, no, no, it's all right. This is good. I'm learning. I'm learning. I don't know how useful all the stuff you're learning is, though. I do apologise for what we're filling your head with. He is a little bit like a ventriloquist, isn't he? in his manner yeah and the way you're yeah absolutely very good yeah very good impression straight away yeah this is yeah the master at work that's the clip Benito we've got the clip that's the quickest anyone's done no it's really interesting it's fascinating I don't think I've ever met a live ventriloquist done it before you met Jimmy Carr haven't you I have met Jimmy Carr you're right so I take it back was that not surely that was an ex-file Jimmy Carr popping out of a grate.

3:12:02If only he was just an X-File and that was all he was. That would explain everything. Oh, you mean a ventriloquist? I think we did have a ventriloquist dummy episode. Yeah, I'm sure you did. You must have done. How many episodes did you do? There must have been a ventriloquist. 211 or something. What's the one that gets brought up to you the most? Because I'll tell you the one that I've heard everyone say the most who watches X-Files. They're like the scariest one. And they're like, I can never sit on the toilet again because of that big worm. Oh, yeah. Oh, the fluke worm or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

3:12:32Comes out the toilet and goes up to the bar or whatever. Yeah. That's scary. Tombs, surely. Tombs gets brought up. And Tombs. Tombs. Yeah. What one did you find most scary to film? Probably the Jimmy Carr episode. Coming out of the toilet. Coming out of the toilet like that. Oh, no. Here we come. so yesterday just coincidentally there was this thing came up on my algorithm of james cameron talking about all of his films they talked about casting in titanic and the whole corset cape thing before that which i didn't know about that because for me now that's good that seems bananas bananas that you would have been called that or that because you've done so many different things yeah it was the first time i'd heard it well people do like labels and i think you know starting out in some of those great early things i was able to do like sense and sensibility and things like that um yeah people do like to sort of pigeonhole actresses and they don't really like it if you step outside of that framework that they have um chosen that you're going to exist in and so so no i'm yeah weird corset kate doesn't make any sense and you were so young at the time this is i think it's a lot of jealousy from other people probably giving you a nickname like that but then like probably i just think like for me you're just someone who's always done so many different things it's really weird to watch that and go like when did that happen i know it's bizarre i think something that helped me kind of move beyond that was eternal sunshine of the spotless mind yeah which um i remember thinking okay this is okay this this could be good i could be i could be stepping outside of that and uh you know doing something completely wild and different and that whole experience actually of making eternal sunshine was so amazing i mean michelle gondry who directed it he's just avant-garde and funny and bonkers and uh and it was a great experience i loved playing that character there's a lot of improvisation in that film i'm glad you've brought this film up kate because i had to message james when we when we confirmed that you're coming in and say don't only talk about eternal sunshine in the spotless mind because he he will talk about it for a whole episode with a guest who's not been involved in the film at all oh it is a good one why he's gone quiet yeah he's excited he can't wait it's my favorite we can talk about as much i love talking about it i mean it was uh it was an amazing shoot and yes there was a lot of improvising i remember there was one night when i was at home asleep and it was two o 'clock in the morning and the phone rang and it was michelle gondry and he was like you have to come you have to come i said what what are you talking about he said there is this circus is coming into town and they have all this elephant all this elephant they are coming down fifth avenue you have to come i said okay okay when are we doing that he said now it's happening now right now you have to get in the cab and you have to i was like oh my god and of course you get in a cab and of course you turn up and then improvise an entire scene with a load of elephants coming down fifth avenue and it was it was really amazing and that's one of the lovely things about making films is that sometimes you do get to work with people who are brave enough to do these kind of crazy things i thank Thank God it was a great film, right?

3:15:35Because imagine if it was just a crazy guy and the film was awful. Yeah. Like, get up at two o 'clock, come and improvise with these elephants. I know. It was all a bit of a mad risk, but, you know, that's what life's about, I think, isn't it? Guess where he went recently and sent me videos of his whole trip there. Oh, God. Now I'm going to pronounce it wrong, even though... Montauk? Montauk? The place in the saddle of sunshine that you go to. He went there and he was really excited about it because he knew I'd like it. So he sent me videos of his whole trip. He was at the station that you guys were at.

3:16:07Oh, yeah. Went to all the different locations. It was brilliant out there. I loved it. And it was very, very cold. And it wasn't meant to snow. And, you know, there's that scene in it. I don't need to tell you. Yeah, you don't tell me. I don't need to tell you, do I? Where they wake up in a bed on the beach in the snow. Okay, wasn't meant to snow. And we got there. Late one night, the whole crew and cast, We'd all travelled out there, woke up in the morning, literally three foot of snow everywhere. So I called Michelle and I said, oh, God, what are we going to do? He was like, what do you mean?

3:16:40This is fantastic. We are going to shoot in that. And then there we are, you know, on the beach, in the bed, in the snow, completely, I mean, I don't think you'll ever see that again anywhere in a row because what are the chances? And it was freezing, but, yeah, completely amazing. I loved Montauk. There was a cafe that I would go to on the way to work and I would always get a coffee and a really delicious, thick doorstop sized, it was in a sort of like an oatmeal raisin cookie with loads of lovely ground spices in it and nutmeg and things. And yeah, see, I love food. My kids always say to me, you always remember the places we went by the food that we ate.

3:17:20Quite right. Absolutely true. I really do. Yeah. I went on David Cross's podcast and I really annoyed him by asking him how many times a week does he think to himself, if I was in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And he was like, never. I don't think that. Carrie, I'm making a birdhouse. I quoted that to him on his podcast. He did not like it. He remembered it. He wasn't impressed by me for shouting that. I did exactly what you've just done. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, come on, man. What a line. It's a funny line. There's such brilliant scenes as well in Waiting for Guffman.

3:17:53You've seen it. Please tell me you've seen Waiting for Guffman. Yes, we've seen Waiting for Guffman. Oh, my God. That's one of our favourites. There's that scene. I've been coming out to this landing site the temperature is always the same so yeah he's genius he's so so talented well he doesn't like his genius being brought up to him I'll tell you that much oh okay but it's fun fun to wind him up he's a curmudgeon so it was really fun you know winding him up on his own podcast about how much I love Eternal Sunshine he was not happy not happy I would ask you how often you think I was in Eternal Sunshine but I imagine probably not much well it's been coming up a lot recently and what I think is amazing is how that is turning into a bit of a cult classic and that there's a whole other a little bit like Titanic you know there's another generation of young people who are discovering it largely because of the music because the soundtrack is so incredible but that's I just I never would have expected that you know and people will quote to me that line I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind it is a great line written by the great Charlie Kaufman she was such an extraordinary character incredible and those wigs I mean my god they were all wigs yeah yeah I did I did get to keep a couple of them which is pretty cool um yeah it was just an amazing character to play and I and I really did feel like I could be quite free and experimental and learned a lot about myself as as an actor through that process and sort of being brave and just trying stuff that thing of like you know just making mistakes um that was positively encouraged by michelle gondry yeah was there anything in particular that you did that i just made my last eternal sunshine question i don't believe you but okay now i can see why david cross cut you off so quick he was furious i'm not gonna cut you off darling go go on is there anything particularly that you did that was taking a risk that made it in the film and you were like i'm really glad that i did that yeah I think there's that line when in that hilarious sequence where the memories are erasing and there's a there's a bit where where where the Joel character is being bathed in the kitchen sink by his mom and then where there's that perspective set where he's under the day was so genius and when I went my crotch is still here look just as you remembered it and I flashed my knickers that was definitely spur of moment.

3:20:13Yeah. Your knickers? Your knickers or wardrobes? No, they were wardrobes. I seem to remember they were pink. I don't think I'd ever wear pink knickers. Not in real life. Actually, I've got one more question. Okay, go on. It links to another film and stuff. Does it link to food, which is what this podcast is supposed to be about? Come on, come on. Did you and Elijah Wood talk about being directed by Peter Jackson at a completely different time from his career? No, because he didn't. He was just about to go away. He hadn't done it yet? No. He was just about to go and start shooting Lord of the Rings from memory, from memory he hadn't gone yet maybe I'm wrong about that I am wrong about that no he had done some of it Elijah had done some and he was going back I think to do additional shooting or reshoots or something like that and no he didn't talk about it very much he's quite a sort of actors on the whole don't talk about other jobs to each other just because it's just the work it's private I'm sure you don't talk about you know that show you did last night we do all the time it's the only thing we talk we texted each other last night about our gigs as they were happening saying how great you both were yeah yeah of course and how funny you were and how much we love doing stand-up and how we really respect our audiences scared at all yeah yeah onto the stage we love the reaction we get and the audiences are perfect and they're lovely okay yeah yeah we're so we're so grateful great weirdos we were good though right you were great you were great yeah we were good yeah you were nice you You were relaxed, you were kind, and you were funny.

3:21:42Yeah, pretty funny. Yeah, yeah. Didn't ask too many questions about a tennis fan. I thought I was quite funny. Yeah, I thought you were. Was I surprisingly funny? No, you've been funny in film. Did you not know what you were going to get, and you're relieved to discover that? No, I think I knew you'd be a funny and warm and open interviewee. Okay, good. I've seen you in interviews before. I was never worried about when you were coming in. Okay. Sometimes people coming in were like, I don't know how this is going to go. and sometimes we're right. And when we finish recording, you're going to tell me who was the scariest person.

3:22:12Robert De Niro. Robert De Niro. Oh, I don't think he's scary, is he? No, not scary, just intimidating as a prospect. Oh, intimidating, yes. Yeah. Yes, I can see that. That might be a surprise to the guests. And he's very... To the guests, to the listeners. Very comfortable with not giving answers. Oh. Oh. Oh, that can make me... Okay. It was a funny episode, though, because our listeners know us and they like to hear us flail sometimes. Oh. Yeah, but that's... Sorry to tell you, but that was an option. Well, they have a hint of flailing today. We've not needed to flail. Good. Be honest with me, Ed.

3:22:46Did I ask too many questions about Eternal Sunshine? You always ask too many questions about Eternal Sunshine, and normally to a guest that wasn't in the film. Of course, there was one global icon that we were convinced was going to cancel on us, right up until the moment he sat down in the chair to record. In 2025, we had Robert De Niro on the podcast. Let's hear from Robert De Niro, Robert De Niro and Robert De Niro. I was going to tell you once, years ago, when I was in Thailand shooting the deer hunter and we were shooting in the river Kwai and somebody said, you want to have some cobra meat?

3:23:21So I ate cobra. Wow. And what was it like? It was okay. It wasn't great, but it was cooked literally over a fire. They're just like marshmallows. and I sort of had nothing on it to kind of give it a different flavour or enhance the flavour or whatever. So the whole making of that film sounds like it was pretty uphill from what I understand. It was hard to get it made the way you wanted to and it was such a huge success and now it's a classic. But it's pretty hard making it, right? It was. The toughest thing making it was the, well, it was hard, but the helicopter stuff we did because it was very complicated on the River Kwai to shoot the chopper coming down to pick us up and take us off the bridge.

3:24:11Because when we were on a log, which was you just think it's a log, but the log in reality would roll. So they put a big thing below to give it ballast like a boat. So it would stay that way. So we had to come down the river on the log, get onto the thing. But the chopper couldn't land because the bridge was too low. It was between two rock faces. And it was a narrower part of the river so that the water ran faster. So we had to raise the footbridge higher so that the chopper could get down. So we couldn't, as I remember, we couldn't go get on the thing. The chopper come down, take us away, one shot or whatever.

3:24:55So we did the first part going down, climbing up onto the footbridge, did that. Then the next thing we would do, the chopper would come down. It was able to come down because the bridge was higher. So it came down. And in the meantime, they have these boats called longtails. They had them there, which is a car engine up here in a long sort of pole. And then the propeller at the end. And they steer the boat. And it had fallen down. It had sunk right on the other side of the bridge. one had. And it had these pointers. I don't know what they were sticking up. So we did the one shot with the chopper came down and Chris Walken got on.

3:25:34John Savage got on. I sort of got on, but I couldn't hold the runners because the runner was too thick to really grasp the way I should have and get my legs up. So I was just hanging from it. And the chopper went down, turned around and flew back up. And then I just dropped into the water as we got close to the edge of the river and I fell in. Then we did it again. But this time I said, let's make the chopper back in. So we're not turning around, wasting a lot of time. It backs in, Chris gets in, John gets in. That's fine. It backed in, came back. The chopper, for some reason, started rising before it should have and the runners were under the cable so those two walk cable you put your arms as you're walking it lifted the cable so we were all of a sudden hanging below the chopper above the water and i said john let's let's drop drop in the water and we do as i thought it was going to fall on top of us so we went under the water what they do sometimes but in my experience in another movie too they have like in a river or something they have a like two outboards going with a rope across They go at the speed of the river, so if you grab out of the rope, then you're okay.

3:26:46So that's what happened. Downstream, we came up. So we came up, grabbed the rope. And as we were up, I see the co-pilot of the chopper stepping down and lifting the cable over the rudder because they realized what they had done. And then they lifted it, and they flew away. And that's what we said. All right. That's it. We've done. We've got it. We've got it. That's all right. In those days, they had six cameras shooting, and that was it. These are phenomenally dangerous. I mean, filmmaking must have changed quite a lot since then in terms of what the actors can and can't do. I don't know. I don't know who does what with stunts and stuff.

3:27:24Some actors I hear like to do stuff. I don't know. It depends. So it's tough to think about food when you're in that situation. Yeah. So you'll take a bit of Cobra. Yeah, you'll have some Cobra. Pop-lops or bread? Pop-lops or bread, Robert De Niro? Pop-a-doms or bread? What? Yes. Pop-a-doms or bread? So this is one of these moments I knew it was going to come up. I need interpretation. Yes. James shouted, pop-a-doms or bread? This is the next option within the dream meal. What is that? Pop-a-doms, crispy Indian snack that you might get before you have a curry. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay. And you get those with all the Indian dips or bread.

3:28:01I'm assuming you're a cross bread. I'm a what? You're a cross bread. You know, now we need another person to translate from me. You know what bread is. I like all kinds of bread. So that's Indian bread. It's sort of a crispy, chickpea-based thing. So that would come at the start of an Indian meal. So what James is shouting is popadoms, or are you going to go with bread at this point in the dream meal? Oh, it can be just whatever you like to have before a meal when you sit down at a restaurant. Sometimes there's prawn crackers. Sometimes there's chips and dips, olives, you know. I'm easy. I like whatever they put in front of me, as long as it's good.

3:28:34Are you a foodie? Do you like going out to eat? Come on, this guy owns a chain of restaurants. He owns Tribeca Grill, this guy. He's a foodie, Ed. Sorry. Sorry, Bob. I do like food. That was embarrassing. That was frankly embarrassing what he did just then. I corrected him, and that's okay. Yeah, he might just be a good businessman. Oh, this guy. Look, I mean, I don't actually know the Nobu story and how you came to, like, be involved in it, but, like, I think it's amazing. But how did you get involved? I was with Roland Jaffe, who's the British director, and Roland took me to this restaurant called Matsuhisa.

3:29:11It was Nobu's last name. And I said to him, I said, this is great. I thought this could work so well in New York. And then I used to think it would work well here in London. But first, you know, in New York, it's easy to see. And so I said, if you ever want to open a restaurant, it was a long couple of years from finally opening it. Man, I had a similar thing with a juice guy, but he went quiet on me. James is trying to set up a juice business yeah it's gone bad it's dead now, it's dead in the water the guy, he made these amazing juices at this restaurant in Copenhagen and I was like, I want to start a juice business for this guy, and he was on board for a bit, but he's been ghosting me he's not replying to my emails anymore I don't know, you probably didn't have that problem with Nobu, but like, the guy just stopped, I suggested that we call it Juice Almighty, the thing, I think that turned him off Yeah, it would do, yeah.

3:30:01Yeah, it was a turn-off, I think. It wasn't taking it seriously enough. No, it's not a bad name. Thank you. Not a bad title or whatever. It's pretty good. You'd pick up her bottle of juice almighty if you saw it on the shelf. Well, the juice has to be good. Yeah. That's the bottom line, you know. The juice is good. It all works. It was stellar juice. Okay. It doesn't take, you know. But that's what you say. I have to taste it. Absolutely. And I wish I could give you some now, but the guy's gone quiet on me. Oh, well, now you have to. He's gone fully quiet on me on the emails. What can you do? So I imagine you don't have that.

3:30:34I imagine no one goes quiet. You've got to go to Denmark and chase them down. Yeah. Maybe. Look, I'm actually going to Denmark this week. If you want to come with me, Bob. I can. I think it would help. Imagine if you were on the email chain. I'll add you to the email chain. I'm not sure if you are, Bob. You're not a fan of being on an email chain? No. That's not fun, actually, is it? some restaurants are known for their great desserts. Sometimes what I do with friends is if we're a restaurant, we ask them just to pick out the three best and let us, we'll share it. That's good. Well, that's nice.

3:31:09Are you good at sharing? Yeah. I usually eat off other people's plates because I don't want to have too much, so I nibble here, I nibble there. And plus, you save one full meal that you have to buy. So it's very, you know, it's also economical. So you'll go with friends, won't order anything, and they'll be like, I know what he's planning. My kids are complaining to me that I take from their plate. Will you ask or will you just reach across and go for it? At this point, I just do it. I might have to ask sometimes. It would be polite because the kids might be annoyed with me. That's a power play, man.

3:31:41We could do that for your dream meal. We could invite your kids to dessert. They all have a different dessert and you can pick up all their plates. Could do that. But now you're going to have to choose three desserts for Bob's kids. Yes. Well, got to have some ice cream in there. Yeah. What flavours though? I like pistachio. There are some, I'm forgetting what place I've been to that great ice cream. Whatever the flavours were, I can't even remember, but they were terrific. And sometimes you get, obviously, cows milk ice cream, but also like they do goats milk ice cream, sheep milk ice cream. You can milk anything with nipples.

3:32:14Right. He always says that. That's a shtick. He's the nipple guy. So which nipple are you going to pick for Bob? Cat Nipple We've had quite long Do it Meet the Parents Yeah I know I do it Meet the Parents Huge film for me Huge film for me growing up Also that was one of my first introductions to you Because I was a certain age I'm 40 So like when Meet the Parents came out I was probably a teenager I was like this guy One of the funniest guys ever I was saying to my dad He went that's what that guy ripped your head off that guy don't be laughing that guy he's a tough guy and i was like i don't know what you're talking about this is really funny man and then i watched all the other films i was like oh yeah i see what my dad was talking about now you've played a variety of characters over the years but yeah i was first introduced to you as just like a straight up comedian but that was like the start of you doing a lot of comedic roles in a row there's a What do you mean?

3:33:17Teen comedy? Oh, no, for like, meet the parents. The parents, yeah. It was like a new chapter. I did analyze this, analyze that. Meet the parents, I think we did between analyze this and that. When I watched Analyze This for the first time, it was probably some of the saddest circumstances I've ever watched a film. I turned up at a kid's birthday party and no one else had showed up. Oh, boy. And it was just me and this other kid. Really? Was it your birthday party? It wasn't my birthday party. It was a different kid. And we sat there and just watched Analyze this while eating cubed up watermelon.

3:33:52How old was the kid? How old were you? Teenage. We were in school like 14, 15. Nobody else came to his birthday but you. No one showed up. Imagine if it's your birthday and no one shows up apart from this guy. Just me. It's sad. It is sad. Very sad. Yeah. Me asking them, you know, stupider questions than this. Imagine like I'm 40 now and I'm saying this kind of stuff. imagine what I was, my conversation was like when I was a teenager. I don't want to imagine.

3:34:23I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me? That's all I was looking for. That's all I was looking for. I know, man, but he didn't even tell us what he wanted for starter. He's not going to do a quote for you. Fair enough. That's it for part one of the 22nd. Hey, buzzer. That's it for part one of the 2025 best ofs. We're back tomorrow with part two, and we'll leave you with some humbling words from Joanne McNally. Billy, you've got to keep him berserker. I've dated men before. They make it their identity. Now, my main penis is clear. What? Or they start a podcast about it. Do you have a food podcast?

3:35:00No, not this one. Joanne, where do you think you are? Jesus, that was... For the listener, I thought Joanne was deliberately doing a joke. Yeah. And then when the penny dropped and Joanne realised what she had said. I was like, oh, that wasn't a joke. That's incredible. That was a genuine question to Ed. Do you have a food podcast?

3:35:32Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. You might remember us from when we were guests on Off Menu where I tried to find where I got seaweed mash and we had to call my mum. And I talked about how my mum was worried that I might drown in my own body. That's cool. And we've got some exciting news. We've sorted your Valentine's Day plans again as we're doing a special live recording of the podcast on Valentine's Day. A.k.a. Saturday the 14th of February. Yes, we've got a lovely venue. It's at the Underbelly Boulevard in Soho, London. We had so much fun at the last Valentine's Day show. Yes, and we both absolutely overshared.

3:36:12Will we do it again? You'll have to come along and find out. Okay, yes, yes, we will. So that's Saturday, 14th of February at Underbelly Boulevard, and you can get tickets on the link in our bio and our Instagram.