Best of 2025: Part 2

0:13Welcome to part two of the best of's. We've been expecting you for some time. That's right, we're back with another fresh batch of podcast highlights. Now we've had our fair share of celebs dish the dirt on off menu, and 2025 was no exception. We've had tales about Angelina Jolie, Beyonce and the Chuckle Brothers. Here's Elle Fanning, Harris Dickinson, Dermot O 'Leary, Kerry Mulligan, Marion Keys, Kate Winslet, Christmas McCausland and Greg James. If it had to be from a specific place, city, is there somewhere where the tap water is? New York. New York. The water is the best there. I never vote for New York.

0:50It's good for your hair. Is it? Yes. Your hair feels better in New York, and that's why the bagels also taste different. And I've heard that in other states, there are some bagel places that get the water transported to their bagel shops to make bagels, because the water, that's what makes it so good in New York. They've got to get the New York water over. They need to get it over. Some people get New York water just to wash their hair in. I'm sure there are people who fly out New York water. I'm sure, right? I'm sure. There's someone right now in LA building a pipeline from New York to LA. A hundred percent.

1:27To get the water, yeah. A hundred percent. Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt. I bet Brad Pitt. Or Jim Carrey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carrey isn't washing his hair. He doesn't believe in it. He doesn't believe in it. He's not trying. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, DiCaprio. they're getting the water pumped to him from New York to LA they're all doing that those three I think Clooney probably lives in Italy or something yeah I think he does I don't know or maybe I'll just believe in the Nespresso ads a bit too much yeah you're believing in the conspiracy yeah yeah it makes me believe that he lives in he's getting New York water flown out for his Nespresso yeah yeah just a little bit each time yeah yeah that's the only amount he orders each time flies it over just enough to fill a tank on a small Nespresso machine yeah yeah you met cluny you know i have but it was in it was like at an event it was like kind of in a quick way i don't know him super i don't know him super well do you ever get starstruck totally i totally do i remember so i went to the met ball when i was uh i was 12 or 13 i think i was like the youngest wow i think i was 13 like one of the youngest like attendees but um and i was with my sister which was really great so i had like a buddy but everyone and i was a big like fashion nerd i mean i still am but like especially when i was young and all i wanted to do was meet alexa chung at the met ball because she i was like as a 13 year old girl i was like i just loved her style like i just wanted to meet her yeah and on the red carpet i and i kind of wore an outfit that like alexa would probably have worn you know at the time and then i turned around and she was there and she was like i like your outfit and i was like i was like i can't believe that um and beyonce was there beyonce i've met and that is pretty you know you're in the presence of like a goddess so as British people, it's very funny for us to hear Alexa Chung listed before Beyonce.

3:36We've done hundreds and hundreds of episodes of this podcast. That's the craziest thing that anyone's ever said. Well, I was thinking, hey, we're in London. Also Beyonce was there. Yeah, because before Alexa Chung did all the fashion icon stuff. She did. She was a host of like a TV show here. Yeah. On T4, which is like the youth channel. Yeah. so we know her as a tv presenter really yeah she was you know i think like there was something exotic about her me being from la like this london girl you know yeah yeah she's very cool very cool she's very cool yeah and i have i got to i've got to know her a little bit now that i'm older but yeah we've a little bit um super nice and you know it's cool but i'm trying to think oh there's actually another funny one that i again it was at the met ball but i was it i was a little bit older and billy eilish and cardi b were like talking and i was sitting down and i kind of i got up and i was you know you're wearing giant shoes of course and you're like have this long train and everyone's always trying to like outdo each other you know the crazy outfits and so i got up and i slipped like completely fell off my ass and like in front of cardi b she's like whoa like Like she looks over like in her peripheral, she just sees me like just go down.

5:00And I was mortified. But she was like, oh, are you okay? I was like, girl, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm all good. Like don't mind me. Like so that, you know, your star struck. But I was like, that was an embarrassing moment. You should just pretend you're doing like a drag race death drop. Yes, yeah, I should have. No, I wasn't that quick. But I was like, oh, sorry. Yeah, people are asking me about the milk. Yeah, I don't know. What do you say? It's very difficult. There's strange interactions. I think that's the good thing about being an actor is that you don't have to tell them anything.

5:31Because you just go, well, it's the film. Yes, yes, not me. That's what you make of it. But people do think that's you. People think that's you. As soon as they've watched you in something, they think that's like your thing. It's strange to encounter. I think that's what Nicole Kidman's really good at is that a lot of the time when I see her in films, like she's so convinced as a character, but I don't think that is what she thinks in real life. Yes. I don't know why. there's this separation where I'm like I think she's just completely playing the role and there's almost a part of her that goes for roles that are so far removed from who she is that you can't really confuse them in a way I don't know that's how I felt watching Estelle I wouldn't come away from it going that's what Nicole Gibb I don't think I ever watch any actor and think they believe everything in the film The Rock my girlfriend loves The Rock hey look I love The Rock there's a figure of him right there there is do you like wrestling I love wrestling yeah me too love the iron claw oh yeah my two favourite things wrestling and unremitting bleakless yes brotherhood but just going off what you said about Nicole she is such a she's such a daring actor like I found even in her body of work it's obvious that she chooses really risky filmmakers and like bold stories but when you when you do something with her like she she's really prepared to just go to the most embarrassing place without fear of judgment of anyone because the film set is you know inherently quite embarrassing like someone described it the other day as it's like a building site and you have to walk up to the building site and stop everyone what they're doing and be like i'm gonna have an act now jack loudon said it the actor jack loudon said that and he was like because it's true you've got all these like grips and camp operators and technicians and and you're there like i'm going to perform and it's like this very like physical environment where you know you're stopping everything for a moment and be like my turn stop what you're doing now i'm going to step in and do my thing and then you're sort of sat you know it's really weird and embarrassing um but she is just so good at jumping in and and trying stuff so that was a cool experience for me to be a part of that and and force me to also go there were there times where you were thinking do you ever think in things like that's Nicole Kidman yeah yeah yeah yeah I'm glad to know that yeah of course yeah I was saying something the other day like the first couple of weeks in the production I really tried to play it cool and professional and you know didn't didn't ask her anything because I was like you know she's trying to do her job I don't want to embarrass her and then I was like wait a minute I was laying in bed one night I was thinking like fucking hell you need to ask her every single like how can you not how can you work with someone like that and not ask so the next day it was like 10 a.m and I was like so how's Stanley Kubrick I just have you you have to get over it because yeah if you if you get to the end of that process and you've been too polite or too cool you kick yourself you know working with someone like that but then it's a weird one because it's a mechanism to not be starstruck isn't it to just be like yeah but then also you meet someone like that or anyone like that you know years ago I worked with Angelina and I was like how do I have a normal conversation with this person I was like 22 years old like what the fuck do I ask Angelina Jolie like so you've been doing this long it's a really difficult thing where you've known someone's work you've grown up watching them and you're then thrust into an environment and you've got to talk to them in a very you know professional you know normal like what going to work every day it's like got any kids or it's like you know you know information about them, whether you research them or not it's just there, so that's a weird thing, I don't know if you guys find that when you meet people that you really admire how to navigate the sort of interaction do you go straight in with something we go in with poppadoms or bread normally yeah, still sparkling what we've done is created a podcast and a format to do all of that is there any X Factor contestant you wish was sharing this meal with you?

9:35oh that's a nice question can I have a judge or a contestant? Do you seriously want one of the judges? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Jersey's the world of fun. Yeah. Yeah. If you want a good drinking, buddy, Nicole is pretty much as great as it can. So we did judges' houses once, and we ended up in Nice. And me and her got there the night before. We were staying in this, like, massive house. And we had the chef. And so the chef had cooked this kind of, you know, there's that sort of job, isn't it, traveling chef around Europe in the summer quite often, who's this really sweet guy. and you know I mean I was kind of just tacking along but they'd obviously said what do you want to eat Nicole and pick this menu and blah blah blah and then towards the end of the night she said you don't have any port do you and the kind of colour drained from this guy's face because you don't have any port but he was like you know obviously serving Nicole's sharing and it's stunning and beautiful and funny and lovely and all this sort of stuff and he went oh god no let me see what I can get and he came back with this kind of bottle and he poured a glass of it and she dried it she went oh my god that's lovely and he left it and it was chicken sherry so we then proceeded to get shit-faced on cooking sherry and then she was like we've got to find something else so by this time this guy's gone home so we are opening every cupboard in this house so it's like an airbnb massive airbnb so we're just like she's like i found some beer she's just an absolute animal yeah and then so you know we have this great night and there's like four or five are staying there we all go to bed i wake up in the morning feeling oh god i'm gonna go down and have a swim like in the sea and feel a lot better i've swimming in the sea and I get up and I look out my window and she's literally just going on like a 10 mile run I'm like I hate you how do you do this I do start off in my poor diction and we've ended the podcast on heads we're very poor diction perfect diction perfect diction to be fair yeah the end that's good and fast bandage diction I'd be at that as well poor Michael yes poor Michael we can't do poor Michael for having a big wanger can we you're out of the conversation I'm out of the conversation I haven't weighed in at all on any of it yeah yeah no no there's no quotes available I imagine you had this enough on the shame press tour.

11:34I didn't do any press for shame. Because I was filming The Great Gatsby and I couldn't, I was in Sydney. So I did nothing. That's good. Baz Luhrmann? Baz Luhrmann. Wear sunscreen? He does. I should hope so. If he didn't I'd be like, you are a hypocrite. Yeah, completely hypocrite. I'd go up to him and say, you are a hypocrite. You shouldn't have given all the people that advice in 1999. You should be ashamed of yourself, Baz Luhrmann. You should get him in here and tell him. Happily I'd school him on it. I'd be like, right, these are all the things you told me when I was 14. How many of them have you done?

12:02That I should do. How many have you actually done in here? Yeah. Although it wasn't him. It wasn't him. Yeah. Someone else. But he wrote the words. I think it was someone else who gave a university, like an address that a university did a speech and then he took that and put it and he made it into the book. And put it to someone's music. Yeah. And there's music isn't him either. It's a rapper. So what did he do? Produced it. So I was telling my Leonardo DiCaprio story earlier, which didn't even happen to me. You must have been sitting there going. What Leonardo DiCaprio? oh the central part thing I'm doing that you're sitting there I bet you had loads of DiCaprio stories up your sleeve why DiCaprio stories yeah they're all great he's the best I mean no like juicy nothing juicy he's just like a really really professional good actor we're never looking for juicy stuff I am we're never digging for the juice are we no no no I wasn't implying that you were I'm just I was trying to think of like a like a oh that was good and then I was like oh well a nice thing is that we did well a very dramatic scene you know and there's lots of crying and sort of shouting towards the end of the film and we did his coverage first for whatever reason for light or whatever and then we turned around on me and he was like almost better when the camera was on me and i thought that was really solid from leonardo dicaprio because he could have kind of you know some people sort of phone it in when the camera's on or go home some people go home people have been known to go yeah people have been known to act with tennis balls.

13:28But he was like trying so hard he was practically better on my side which I thought was really generous. And he was like that the whole time but particularly with that scene I remember thinking like, oh my goodness. Leonardo DiCaprio. Any other books you'd like to star in the film of? Can I talk about a book? Only because my brother wrote one. Tim came to the book launch last night. My brother wrote a book called The Accidental Soldier. It's coming out tomorrow. It might not be tomorrow when this comes out but it's coming out on April 10th it definitely won't be tomorrow when this comes out it's coming out it'll be out this guy's not turning it around he's got project podcast on the go he's not editing this and getting it out but the only reason not the only reason I'm very proud of him but he's giving all of the money to War Child which is a charity that I've been an ambassador for for 10 years it's amazing looks into children in conflict zones and it's very very funny it's about him going to Iraq when he was about 23 what's your brother's name Owen Mulligan Owen Mulligan the accidental soldier so treacle pudding treacle pudding hot custard hot custard oh and my peanut butter date that's when this is now at the end it comes right at the end with the bill yeah do you want like a hot drink with that as well like a coffee I'd always like a peppermint tea with honey fresh mint tea with honey because then you can just sit and chat for ages and just work your way through a massive pot I did that last night did you?

14:46yeah who with? my brother's book launch was last night and then afterwards I went for dinner with all of my friends who I had wrangled to come to the book launch flick Flick? Flick getting in there? Flick's not there. Flick's on holiday with Marcus and Sam and the gang. No, it was my two best friends from school, my sister-in-law and my friend who works for War Child. Oh, one thing I got asked before that. What's the island that you're on in the film? In Wallis Island? Not an island, fake island. Oh, busted. Fake island, busted. Movie magic. Contact the tabloids, Benito. We've got to shoot. The island that they shoot from the drone shot, there is an island.

15:20We're not filming on that. But that, I think, is... Oh, my gosh. it's like just off the coast of Tembi but the rest of it is constructed to feel like an island very clever I thought it was an island isn't it so pretty? so pretty but I saw the sea and I was like I bet that goes all the way round oh yeah turns out no movie magic yeah it doesn't it was doing a great job acting I got completely lost in it I thought it was an island I forgot that it wasn't an island yeah nomination for the sea yeah the Oscars yeah if you guys do your job correctly yeah it's up to us to get the nomination it kind of is up to you you are starting the awards campaign early we've done well we've had a few people come on this podcast and then get nominated for Oscars yeah we have actually Mescal we helped him out with what with Aftersun oh you did help him out yeah yeah that was a very small film that was us we did that well done we there was someone else recently on the Sebastian Stan helped him out oh he's amazing in that film yeah because well done yeah he's opposite he had to act opposite half a cow this is true this is true fucking back end of a cow for the whole film he was it's an uphill battle you've been nominated before?

16:27I have right I'll figure this out this is one of Benita's least favourite things is James doing guessing games for figuring out what I've been nominated for well it's so late in the day for me to do a guessing game as well so he's going to really hate it also maestro yeah I think it's such a big I've got it first time no I've been nominated for three times I think it's such a big swing to ask an actor you've been nominated for an Oscar? yeah because you don't know how they feel about it or you should know enough now that I don't think Kerry cares either way. But like, I think it's obviously nice, but if you hadn't been, you wouldn't be like, I don't bring that up.

17:00No, yeah. Maestro, so I got that one straight away so you can suck it. I didn't think you wouldn't get them. I thought you'd know this anyway. I'm surprised you asked the question. The other ones. Now, I should be able to get these. Should be able to get them. Doctor Who. Should have been, right? Yeah. He was saying earlier, best episode Doctor Who. Thank you. It is. No competition. Thank you. It's incredible. weeping angels have you seen it no I don't watch Doctor Who even though it seems like I should it was a long time ago yeah yeah I won't do all the films because Benito's going to want to wrap up so thanks I think I could definitely I think if I you'd get that if I thought about it I'd get it I'm going to read your menu back to you now see how you feel about it alright you would like if other people want to guess by the way they should tweet the great Benito and if you get all of the films right you win a signed chopping board yes and you're allowed to check on IMDB if you want and things like that but just tweet Benito the three films that Kerry's been nominated for for Oscars and then he will send you a signed chopping board hashtag hey great Benito these are the Oscaritos these are the Oscaritos your dream side dish oh okay right how do we hassle hassle back potatoes yes I nearly jumped in and said hoff and then I thought that's what I nearly said no I nearly said hassle hoff yeah thank god I didn't yeah hassle back potatoes now do you know what they are I think you do great Please, for the lesson of that.

18:22Yeah, okay. Right, they are a potato and they have loads and loads and loads of tiny thin slices cut into them, but the bottom of the potato is still intact. So it's kind of like a little fan, a little accordion. And into the little pleats, you put like tons of butter, Kerrygold, of course. And you can do, I mean, you can do other things. You can do beetroot like that as well. But like, I mean, why would you when you could do a potato? I would love that so much heavily seasoned with salt tons of salt thank you there's no need for the pepper thanks not a fan of the pepper I don't mind it but I think potatoes leave them alone salt and butter is all you need you know why ruin something that's already magnificent perfect what sort of size potato are you oh very big one massive one massive but a foot long if at all possible and very very very slender slices Yeah, if the Hasselback potato comes along, I want to see the seasoning on it.

19:22I want there to be light. The more slices, the better. Yes, yes. And I want there to be crispy little bits of seasoning all over it. Those crystals of salt. Not the kind of the minuscule, mingy table salt. You want some of that Himalayan pink salt. Yeah, yeah. You know. Great big handfuls of it. Yeah. That's it, with the colour. So you're having Kerrygold butter in every little slit? Every single one, thank you. So you can get a pack of butter in there. Easily. Oh, easy. that would be the the dream yeah well this is the dream is there a place where you've had the best Hasselback potatoes um I know this is going to sound and I'm really sorry my husband is fantastic at this sort of thing gonna have to do make one tonight this guy keep up with this guy this guy's leaving me in the goddamn dust no it's it's just it's inspiration yeah come on tell us about some of the things you've made please come on yeah come on chicken say it again chicken chicken what way roast come on roast chicken roast chicken.

20:16You cannot beat a lovely roast chicken so I'm told. Lamb. Lamb. So lamb can be lovely so I'm told. Slow cooked lamb? Yeah, slow cooked lamb. What about some of your veggie stuff? Yeah. But like... Now you're asking. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We talked with Mira Soda about it. Loads from Mira Soda's book. The tomato curry. Tomato curry. Yeah. Tomato curry? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell me. Yeah. It's tomato curry. How do you do it? Come on now. Don't be shy. It's quite a complicated recipe because you have to have two pans going at the same time and then mix them. It's delicious. Dan-dan noodles. Yeah. With a lot of tahini and black vinegar and soy.

20:58You're really good at this, aren't you? A lot of tahini. Oh God, tahini is the most wonderful thing. But to have two pans going at the same time, I mean, that's elite stuff. Could your husband do that? I don't think he can, you know. I don't think he can. He's a one-pan husband. He's a one-pan man. Yeah. See, and you're a two-pan man. yes you see you're fabulous thank you thank you if I was I would trust a one pan man more than a two pan man what are you talking about I think one's not enough for this guy no I love the show of dexterity with a two pan man I think he a two pan man might get bored in a monogamous relationship I'm a two pan man one man band do you want David Hasselhoff there oh god I'd really rather not do you mind I was in a room with him once yeah he was singing a song that was very odd.

21:46Is that the one about his car? Remember that one? Did he do that on the Berlin Wall? Stop. Did he do that on the Berlin Wall? Well, he played in Berlin the day the wall came down, right? Because he's massive in Germany. I forgot about that. He's massive in Germany, yeah. I shouldn't be mean about the chap. No, no, no, no. It's fine. I wish him well. I wish him well. Yes. But no, I'm grand. He doesn't have to be there. No, just the potatoes themselves are fine, yes. So you sing one of his own songs in a room with you? Yeah. Where was this room? Oh, it was a TV. Was it a gig? did you go to a David Hasselhoff gig?

22:14No, I did not. I thought we were friends. No, I was in a TV studio and we were on a show in Ireland and then the show stopped running, you know, the camera stopped. It was the end, you know. And the next thing he grabs a microphone and has some words with the band and he's up singing. And again, it was a hostage situation. It felt like, you know, that we were all trapped and we all had to kind of look delighted. And I just wanted to go home because I was tired. But I had to look delighted and wait for the song to end. There was nothing against him in particular. It's just that I didn't grab the mic and have a word with the band and start singing.

22:55You know, you have to make it okay with people if you're going to do that, I think. And sense the vibe in the room. Read the room. The room was tired and wanted to go home. Did he think the audience was tired? Oh no, he thought the audience were delighted. Maybe the audience were delighted. I think with that stuff, I think I would never do that because I would think of it as like, you've already done your interview, James. You don't need them to pay even more attention to you. Just get over it. Also, it's self-awareness, isn't it? Yeah. He should be thinking, I'm David Hasselhoff. I'm not Bruce Springsteen, maybe.

23:30Yeah. Do people want to hear this? Yeah. Yeah. But then I think, if I'm in the audience and I'm not in this world all the time and I've gone to see the TV show and I didn't know there'd be so much stopping and starting with the TV show and wait a second everyone and the warm up comes out again and you're there for hours and then David Hasselhoff got up and sang with the band. I might be pretty delighted with it. You might be delighted. Yeah. Yeah. They probably were and I'm just a curmudgeon. No. I'd feel the same as you. I'd be like, oh, fuck this guy. I'd be worse than you. But like... I think it's a really good point though.

24:05Yeah. The audience probably were delighted. But then I'd think if he thinks the audience would be delighted about this, even more egotistical. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but some people do. I mean, yeah, it takes all sorts. See, and the thing is, Bruce probably wouldn't. No. Because Bruce is sound. Bruce knows who Bruce is. I love Bruce. He says, Bruce says the best place is, the best place, his favourite place to gig in the world is Ireland. Bruce says? Yeah. Stop it. Favourite place in the world to do shows. Did you know that? I didn't but I'm very very pleased the boss

24:42what would you do if you met David Hasselhoff and he turned around and he had loads of slits down his back and they were stuffed with butter and covered in big salt crystals no I'd leave him to it say you do you David good on ya yeah imagine that as I've seen in Baywatch where he's like running down the beach and then they show it from the back and they go what the fuck yeah and then he runs into the sea and it's the most painful thing in the world yeah yeah because he's all Hasselhoff Yes, it could happen. It could happen. So I do love an oyster. I do love it, but only the little ones. And I have two stories around my consumption of oysters, which is that forever I would think, oh my God, way too gynecological looking, can't be doing that.

25:26And then I was lucky enough when I was about 30, 31, to be invited at a dinner. It was a small dinner in New York. because I lived in New York for 10 years. And it was a small dinner with a group of people who my husband at the time, Sam Mendes, he had just worked with Paul Newman and Tom Hanks. Wow. And somehow I found myself at having a meal with them. There were maybe seven or eight of us. And Paul Newman ordered 24 oysters. And I was sat beside him and they were passed around that had been a very, very generous man. It's the only time I met him. Passed around the table, would you like an oyster?

26:10Would you like one? Would you like one? I'm thinking, oh God, he's going to offer me a buck, an oyster, and I'm going to have to say no. The plate came to me, and how about you? Would you like an oyster? And I said, no, thank you. And I looked at his eyes, and I went, actually, yes. Because I thought, if I eat this oyster, I will always be able to say, Paul Newman gave me my first oyster. And I had the oyster, and I loved it. And so on occasion, I will order oysters. And they're just delicious. Do you think about Paul Newman every time you have an oyster? I do, actually. I do. And then I tell the story that I just told.

26:46But I don't think I've ever told it on a podcast. Yes. Road to Perdition. Exclusive. Road to Perdition. Exactly right. That film, yeah. There's a point in the video where people will see that you mention that they work together. And I go like this. I don't want people to think watching it. That you don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't interested in what you were saying. It was that I went, I had to remember what the film was. It was a great, great film. Really, really great film. Real good film. And then years and years and years later, in 2011, at the beginning of the next chapter of my life, which I'm currently very, very happily immersed in, I met my husband, Ned.

27:23And again, we found ourselves in New York, and it was at the very beginning of our relationship. and Chelsea Market is a great market in the city and there's an amazing fish shop in there, really spectacular. And Ned and I were just having one of those kind of early romantic days out wandering around New York City and I said, oh, should we get some oysters? And he said, well, I don't know if I've ever had oysters before. And I'm sure I then told him about the Paul Newman story and we bought these oysters and we took them back to the flat where I lived at the time and I know how to shuck oysters and so I shucked all these oysters and we had the oysters and had some champagne and then we're still together.

28:10And moving on. You've got to say that. That's a baller move on a date. If I was on an early date with someone and they were like, I'm going to shuck you an oyster, I'd be like, right, well, we're getting married. Yeah, yeah. That's absolutely brilliant. There was no question as to whether or not we were going to be together forever. I knew that as soon as I met him. I was like, oh, it's you. Oh, it's you. I know it sounds super soppy, but I really did think that. That's nice. Good old man. When you did Strictly, did you have to change your diet at all? So when I did Strictly, which I talk about in my book, Keep Laughing, which is out for Christmas, makes a – there are PR guys out there.

28:53They'll be like, oh, God. They left ages ago, Chris. thank god he's brought it back to the book I could eat what I wanted like literally it was insane like we'd be training 8 hours a day I would have a burger for like a Tuesday dinner time, who's having a burger for a Tuesday dinner time at the age of 48 and then I'd go, I'll have a burger again on a Wednesday it just didn't matter I was eating chocolate like it was Christmas and then it was Christmas and so there was the calories didn't matter I ate what I wanted and I still lost weight it was insane but you know to counterbalance that I was also held together with physiotherapy yeah it was physically kind of slowly ripped me apart over four months people go do you feel healthier I literally feel like I've been in a car crash yeah like me me ass is literally sellotape to me back.

29:56Like with actual pieces of tape. They've taken tape, they've attached it to me cheeks and they've stretched that up to me shoulders and they've gone, this will hold you in the form of a human for another week. You just say to your wife, that's a Brazilian butt lift. Lovely. Yeah, so I could eat what I wanted. It was good. But then you've really got to rein it in when it finishes because you don't carry on dancing and that's the one thing you can't carry on eating like that. Otherwise, it all goes wrong, doesn't it? It was great. It was great to watch it every single week. Every time we were like, I can't believe I'm still in it.

30:33Yeah, yeah. I mean, I honestly thought, I said no to it a few times because I didn't think it was possible. I thought, like, I'm all for diversity. I'm like, we should have more diversity, more representation across mainstream programme. Do you want to do it strictly? Are you insane? Are you literally insane? Come on. In what world do you think this is even possible? and I didn't know what it was they were asking me to do because I couldn't, you can't describe it. Describe it as what's dancing, but how good, how technical, how fast, what are the dances? So the only way I was able to figure out what it was they wanted me to do was by doing it.

31:05So it was so the unknown, most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life. And, you know, top 10 scariest things I've ever done in my life are 10 episodes of Strictly, hands down. It was that feeling of 8 million people watching at home and you're in the studio while that VT plays and you're just waiting for this moment of reckoning. And then it comes in the studio and they go, dancing or whatever. And honestly, the nerves, I've never felt anything like it. And you just have to flick those switches in your head and just try and belt through it, you know. But it's terrifying, which is why as soon as that dance was over, if I felt like I'd done a good job and we'd put the hours in, we'd done all right, I went straight into comedy mode because that was my safety.

31:49That was like, I've just blagged myself as a dancer for the last two minutes. Now let's take the piss out of Craig and have a laugh and do something that I know I can do. And it worked. People kind of, people liked it. But the thing is, is that, I mean, the thing I'm proud of with it is that for none of the weeks throughout the whole 13 weeks were me and Diane ever kept in above somebody that got more points than us every every week the person that went out had less points than us but from the judges so we always held our own even though it connected with the audience at home and and they liked what we were doing and we had people supporting us and stuff we always held our own up and up until the final and then in the final over three dances we only we only were only four points off a maximum so i couldn't be prouder of what we did you know it was remarkable.

32:46And even when we got to February, two months after, I'd look back and I'd, just when you're out of that bubble for just two months, I'd look back and I'd go, how the fuck did we do that? It just felt, it felt, it felt insane that that was even something that happened. So, yeah, but it's all in the book. Yeah. Look at you now on a giant pot noodle. Yeah. I'm watching the dance on a giant pot noodle, Chris. Yeah. Yeah. I suggested, a lot of the music that you dance as well you're allowed to kind of it's a three way kind of conversation between Strictly and you and Diane and your dancer and I have my input on some dances and some ideas but I'd say most of the things I suggested on that show were shut down quite early on a lot of my musical I mean me and you Ed share a lot of musical tastes a lot of my musical tastes I'd play Diane something that I thought had a really good beat and a really good rhythm and she'd say you just can't dance to this there's nothing in it at all that even remotely resembles I'm not listening to that bass line guys and the examples of the ones that got away you know I did play some Pearl Jam I played, so I was told that like the couple's choice, you can do something that kind of means something to you and also the Paso Doble I was told is kind of the one that you can do something heavier to I went through a whole morning of playing Diane's Sepultura and Soulfly songs, which is Brazilian thrash metal, thrash slash groove metal, and kind of arguing with her in disbelief that she was saying there was no rhythm to them.

34:29What? It's pure rhythm? It's pure rhythm. Too much rhythm, I would say. I would say it's the cranberry sauce of the musical world. Dancing to roots bloody roots. It's Chris McCausland. Yeah, but I see her point. And I realise doing Strictly as well that it's as much about the song as it is about the dancing. Like people will only like a dance if they like the song. That's interesting. And I think that the song really, unless it's a Paso Doble, which is like traditional kind of, it works well with the traditional music. I think it needs to have words to the song. It needs to be, they work better than like a score.

35:10or I remember Shane who I was on with did one of his dances. I can't remember which one it was, but he did it to whatever that tune is that's the theme tune for Alton Towers. Yeah. Yeah. Fall of the Mountain King. I can't remember how it goes. But it gets faster and faster, doesn't it? Yeah, the Fantasia thing as well, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did it to that and I was listening to it because I'd do that every week. I'd be up there, like there'd be an amazing dance gets done and they'd finish and I'd say to that, God, the band's amazing, aren't they? but he did it to that and it sounded amazing, but I was just thinking, I don't think people are going to like the song compared to, you know, the other choices on that week.

35:51So I think that's important on it, you know? Yeah. I really wish I'd be able to see you dance to a soul flow. Would you do it? No, never. I wouldn't hold up Chris. I'll be out week one from stress. I'll be pleading down the bound of the camera for them to vote me off. please don't vote for me I can't take this anymore also Costume would have an absolute nightmare with him when he just gets an egg on it every single week please stop eating breakfast wrap just before you go on I can't help it I don't know what your Chuckle Brothers sort of cultural touch points are were you into them did you rush home and watch Chuckle Vision constantly love them still think about them to this day yeah but I think that set us all a certain generation set us all on a path of going oh maybe you could just mess around forever yeah and just do that sort of job and do a different job every day and get fired from it for slacking well not specifically the narrative of the show okay yeah yeah not the in not the actual stories in the show but let's talk about the actual people yeah i'm not talking about their personas i'm talking about the real yeah the real people because you know that that boss was an actor yeah and you know who the boss was i don't know their half brother so there were two people who were always the boss mr no slacking and i think i I can't remember what the other catchphrase was then.

37:11Mr. No Slacking. Mr. No Slacking. The half-brothers of the Chuckle Brothers. They were both their half-brothers. Yes. And the catchphrase was? No Slacking. No Slacking. And they were the half-Chuckle Brothers. Yeah. It's like a showbiz family. Half-Chuckle. Yeah. Nearly there. You nearly got it. Titter. Yeah. I'd watch a set-bit show, a spin-off show that's called the Half-Chuckle Brothers. Yeah. And this is the two half-brothers. Yeah. Knocking around. So him and Barry, when I was 10, I went to go and see the Chocobras with my nan at Weymouth Pavilion. Amazing. Great venue. Yeah. Have you done stand up there?

37:43Once. Yeah. It's a great venue. But Nelton was in the main room. Oh, really? Okay. Good luck to him. One day you'll go there. All the best for the future. All your best for the future and your quest of the main room at Weymouth Pavilion. But it was a signing. They did a signing afterwards and they would give you a photograph and he wrote, to Gregory, all the best for the future, which I was so excited about because I was there in my shell suit. You know, with all the other kids being like, oh my God, it's the guys off the telly. This is the best guys. And when we walked away and my nan was like, let's have a look at that.

38:17She'd see that and go, why did they write all the best for the future? That's just a strange thing to say to a kid. But it is quite strange. But I like that they wrote that and I've always remembered it. And I just thought that's quite a good starting point for the book. So I start as a 10 year old me. And I sort of imagine what my future life could be like. so it's a load of essays about growing up and falling in love and sort of gripes about the world and a reminder hopefully to stay true to your 10 year old self because probably the stuff you love when you were 10 is probably the stuff you've kind of liked now to a certain extent to a certain extent I'll watch it after when I get home after this I mean look definitely I've made a living off of coming on this podcast and talking about ice cream and how much I love ice cream There you go.

39:02That was me as a 10-year-old. It's not changed at all. If anything, it's got even more intense. Yeah. You still love wrestling? Still love wrestling. Yeah, exactly. I'm regressing, basically. I think that's fine. But I think you can regress as you get older. But you've just got... Because maybe it's even more important because you've got so much boring stuff to sort out as well. Yeah. As long as you keep doing the boring stuff as well. You do have to do both. You've got to do the taxes and watch Chuckle Brothers. Yeah, otherwise your life sort of falls apart. Yeah. And then you are just sat home watching Chuckle Brothers.

39:27Then you're a genuine Chuckle Brother. Because within the script of the show, I don't think those guys were doing their taxes no no way no way that feels like a sort of after hours sort of grown up version of it where they didn't it's like an HMRC infomercial yeah it's like it's January 30th it's 5 to midnight and they're just pushing the HMRC form from one to the other going to me to you and then they would get investigated at some point yeah and they sit down with them and go okay listen you've had a series of jobs each lasting less than a day from what we can see yeah don't explain this one at the marble factory how were you paid it is cash in hand isn't it it's got to be cash in hand repeatedly one of two bosses can you explain that and they're your brothers multiple jobs you have about 365 jobs a year two bosses who are in all these businesses we were investigating them as well you better believe that we are don't look at him answer the question put the ladder down clean the windows in a minute this is serious stop saying oh no be careful with that bucket of slime when you're telling that story as someone you must now sign autographs for people you're going to be signing books, going to book signings all the best all the best for the future not only is it weird for me to say to a kid I'd say if you're doing loads of signings I would just write all the best it's a long thing to write I wouldn't want to double my word count there all the best for the future which maybe shows that they really did care well I guess so I interviewed Paul there's a chapter about Paul at the end of the book it's quite a sweet moment where I'd see him again for the first time in 30 years and I said why did you do this for all the kids and he went no I don't know why I'd even say that and I went what do you think he went well he must have said something he blamed me and I said well maybe I said maybe I want to be like be on telly one day or like so I think that's maybe what it was because he said he would normally just do to me to you of course so I don't know I think it might be a one of one I think it's unique this is incredible yeah it might be anyone reached out since the no it could just be you all the best for the future I think it's it yeah I think it might be Well, look, this is it.

41:56If there is somebody who's also gotten all the best for the future, let's chat. Chuckle Brothers autograph, yeah. Some of our favourite moments in the dream restaurant are when the podcast turns into utter chaos. Like, well, I don't know, for example, the entire Jeff Goldblum episode. Let's hear from Stevie Martin, Lucia Keskin, Joy Crooks, Mawon Rizwan, Ben Schwartz and Jeff Goldblum.

42:21The dream side dish, Stevie. Oh, God!

42:26Is it our old friend bread again? No, it's got to be. No. It would have to be something that complemented it, so you're looking for something fresh. You're looking for something, but not boring. Padron peppers. Nice. That's good, isn't it? That came to you like a bolt from the blue. It did. Yeah. I never started, to be fair. Okay. Padron peppers is usually classically a starter. Is it? Yeah. I'd say, yeah, starter, or it's just tapas dish, isn't it? What's a side dish? You can have padron peppers as a side dish. Of course I can. It's your meal. throw this to you what would you have as a side dish for nachos if I was getting nachos as a main the thing is then I'm thinking you are thinking in the realm of Padron Peppers because you're thinking I've basically got a starter for a main so then you're like I'm doing bits I'm doing bits I'm going to get some chicken strips jalapeno poppers that's good okay I want to change my answer yeah yeah a bit of like breaded sort of you know deep fried yeah that's great you've got jalapenos and cheese on the nachos again I've been foiled by and it would have to be like vegan cream cheese in the middle I don't know how you feel about that sometimes it can be okay the Philadelphia vegan is actually okay I mean it's just the texture's the same it's quite cold tasting so yeah I thought Padron Peppers was a good shout no it was more just like I don't actually think when push comes to shove I know what a side dish is broccoli yeah but you could have that is actually yeah I mean any type of veg Yeah, any type of vegetables.

43:55All right, I do quite like that tender stem broccoli. I thought you were going to say chips because you said how much you love them at the start. I know. And I thought, well... But I thought that... But that's not real. That does sound like I'm just... Nachos and chips is insane. That is insane. After two loads of bread. Yeah, which actually, to be honest, now I'm thinking about it is quite on brand because I do... I will... I do get excited about the bread and I am then feeling a bit sick and sad. Like a salad or something? Kidney beans and mayonnaise. Kidney beans and mayonnaise on the side.

44:20Please don't do that. How about that on the side? There's probably kidney beans in the nachos as well. It is, but I have been known to put some grated cheese in that. Another thing, just some rice and soy sauce. That's okay, though, isn't it? Just rice and soy sauce is okay. It's a snack. That's not gross. You eat that sometimes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want that as your side dish? It's not gross. It's odd that that's a snack you have. Is it odd? Because I think I would say that's quite straightforward. They go together. Yeah, they go together. Yeah, it's just like I can't be bothered to make, you know, a stir fry, so I'll just get the components, rice and soy sauce.

44:51Yeah. yeah okay all the components of a stuff all the components of a stuff right very carby isn't it okay no I will stick with I'll go Padron pepper poppers oh nice there we go don't think it's ever been done before surely not so cream cheese in the Padron peppers and bread crumb all around yeah yeah yeah yeah Padron pepper poppers Padron pepper poppers so you never had that before obviously so you've just invented well no one has no yeah someone must have made that people have made weirder things you think people have stuffed a Patron Pepper before. Peter Piper. Peter Piper did it. It's very good.

45:25Thank you. That's what the restaurant's called. Invite him to your meal. Do you think Peter Piper would get on? He's going to flip his lid when he sees the fucking peppers, isn't he? He's going to be like, can I not have one day where people don't try and give me peppers? Everywhere I fucking go. These better not be pickled. Pickled Patron Pepper. Shakespeare just like steadily pushing the plate to one side. into the bin what's the medieval version of nachos mutton what's the medieval version of nachos I don't know potatoes and mutton I met your dog you did lovely little dog I love dogs I'd love to be surrounded by dogs as well your own dog and some more Will your dog have a special sort of position within the group of dogs or will they just be in the mix?

46:25She'll have her own little chair. Yeah. With a little plate of cheese. Yeah. She loves cheese. Does she? Yeah. And then the other dogs can just have sort of some snacks. Yeah. As well, just because I don't want to be pestered. Yeah. I want to be able to give them some, but not enough. I can't give them my food because it's got onion in it. Can dogs not have onion? No. I learnt that the hard way

46:53Will you talk us through what happened? I just found out that if they have onion they'll die Was that the hard way? Yeah The hard way Oh really? God I thought it was You've got to be careful how you use that phrase Don't go around and say to people I learnt that the hard way when there's much harder ways than what you went through. My dog's still got a brain disease. It just wasn't from onions. I guess I just learnt that the hard way. Technically, I did learn it the hard way. No, because you didn't learn anything about the onions from your dog having a brain disease. No, but I did learn the hard way.

47:35What do you mean? About, you know, having a dog. When you get a dog, you know, learnt that the hard way. She's now got meningitis. Yeah. but you didn't learn that dogs can't have onions the hard way. You just learned that. You learned another thing the hard way. Yeah. That doesn't mean you should use that phrase for every situation you're in. But they can't have onions. So you did learn that. Yeah. You learned that, but not the hard way. Yeah. You learned that. Another thing. I'd say you learned that the easy way. Yeah. Yeah. You've learned the fact. But I mean, if she had an onion, then I've just, you know, killed her.

48:13Yeah. But you already knew that. So you've not learned that the hard way. You just messed up. I wouldn't know that she's eating the onion. Sorry? Would I? What do you mean? I wouldn't. You don't always know if a dog's eating. This is the issue. The dog can just, you don't always know if your dog's going to eat an onion. So you do sometimes learn the hard way. Yeah, you would learn the hard way. But again, for that, you would have to not know that dogs can't eat onion. And then your dog, without your knowledge, eats an onion and dies. And then you take it to the vet and they go, this dog ate an onion.

48:44You've learned the whole. At least there's no onions in your kitchen, ever. No, but I really want to make sure that she understands this, because you are saying you're confused. But like, I'm saying, you read a fact about onions. Said, if dogs eat onions, they die. So you read that, and because of that, your dog hasn't eaten onions. So I've learnt that the hard way. Well, no. Because your dog didn't eat it. So the hard way yeah is that you feed your dog an onion and it dies yeah and then and then you find out you learned yeah that's the hard way that's the hard way just an expression though isn't it yeah but it means something so like if like we all learn the hard way you found out the hard way that dogs can get meningitis when your dog got meningitis yeah yeah you learn the hard way with the onion thing you just read that yes yeah yeah but i think my dog i don't know if i learned the hard way my dog did just get meningitis did you know before that that dogs could get meningitis I suppose you already knew and then your dog later got meningitis that would have been a perfect example yeah

49:59I guess we learnt that the hard way

50:04main course I had a really like this was a nightmare for me because I was stuck between the two so I'm kind of like you have to let me get away with this okay all right so the main course and side dish I kind of have to work together because that's the only way we're going to let this happen but basically the first thing I thought of when you when I heard main course was spaghetti bolognese I'm just going to be honest I know I'm going to get a lot of shit for that I know it's like having it's like a velcro moment you know it makes you feel uncomfortable but we all know the feeling you know and that's what spaghetti bolonese is for me are we going to ask questions I don't know because when Joyce says stuff like this we have questions but when we ask them I feel like I know what you're going to say I feel like we're seen as being idiots for not understanding Velcro moment I mean there's a lot of things along the way that I'm just like I don't think you'll get any shit for saying spaghetti bolonese pretty much everyone loves spaghetti bolognese but then like it makes you feel uncomfortable it's like a velcro moment and I don't know what that means about spaghetti bolognese at all because like okay it just made sense in my brain but basically I turned 27 recently and I asked for a fry tag bag because they're like really durable and like you could literally like you know be in the worst weather ever and it would be fine they won't get damaged and I really like practical things it might be a potential gay thing I don't know but being 27 and having velcro is really okay it's really humbling because we've all been there right we've all had velcro shoes or like velcro something because there was a time we couldn't tie things up so there's something really warming and like nice about it and and nostalgic but at the same time i just feel like a wallad on the tube when i'm trying to get my fucking lip liner out and there's just you know 27 trying to like maybe do some dodgy eye contact with someone on the tube and then the next thing you know the velcro happens and although it's it's a familiar feeling it's nonetheless an embarrassing one and that's how i feel about spaghetti that's absolutely perfect i completely understand now james no come on james come on james it's nostalgic it makes you feel good yeah but from the outside perspective yeah it's quite sort of remedial and childish yeah yes yeah yes okay yes okay it's not often normally it has to yes this is what i was about to say normally i have to translate what james has said to the guest this is the first time i've had to do it the other way around cool but it's nice to know i can always be the middleman in every situation yeah well done man i feel good i understand both of you you're smashing it thank you um okay got you do you i think so yes uh the confusing thing about the velcro thing was the fact that you're 20 was using the 27 things i was like that's so young but i felt like you were using it like 27 was not but it's not it's old for velcro it's all for velcro yeah yes i'm not gonna sit here and play my tiny violin i left at home i did buy one a tiny violin yeah how small are we talking it's this big yeah so like what's that like small yeah small and then it comes with a bow and it has this little button on it because it's battery powered and if you can use it in unplugged yeah you can literally press down on the bottom bit but that's where the bow would go and it plays a tiny little sad tune that's good is it sometimes when you're recording music and you have like novel things like that around because they're so novel do you really hope it'll work on the song is it really gutting if you do record them and some back and go that's not it you can make it work though because you can manipulate it afterwards can't you like you can change the pitch and make it work but I just like it because my mates just all my boyfriend who start gabbing on about something I just get the tiny vine in that and just press it down like that and stand there and he wonders how he's ever going to spoon me again

54:15that's what he's wondering is it? I think so yeah is the spaghetti bolognese homemade? yeah it has to be it could be made by like a nonna but like i feel like a nonna would be just cussing me out and i just don't want to be cussed by an auntie and i think if we're having this dream restaurant i don't think genies are gonna allow any kind of cussing we're just like angry like angry auntie energy i could deal with like a funny auntie yeah you know one that kind of smokes in the kitchen type of thing yeah that's cool that's cool yeah so i think an auntie that smokes in the kitchen and it's kind of a little bit fit in like a way where you're like when you're in your 20s you're a big problem you can see the history in the eyes yeah yeah yeah still a little sparkle yeah I have an Italian name I came up with yeah I have like an Italian alter ego my Italian name is Gian Senna Gian Senna?

55:11You're not pronouncing it right. sorry your Italian name is John Cena yeah and is that where you got it from by accident I said it out loud and then my boyfriend said the exact same thing he said John Cena and I was like oh well that's it you're good to see me so there's auntie in the kitchen that smokes fags and is a little bit fit her name is John Cena yeah okay and is it if you look closely is it clearly John Cena wearing a wig? Yes. Yeah. Yes, it is. Good on him. Yeah. Yeah, good for him. So that's what we'll have for mains. Oh, and you get, we actually have a refill station, but it's just for Parmesan.

55:53Okay. You like a lot of Parmesan on there and you want to keep refreshing it as you're going along. So I don't like when everyone puts it all at the top. What I think you need to have is the little tub and then layer, that layer, go in for the next layer. That's nice. That layer. Yeah. Great. That's how I do it. When you say refill station, I'm imagining like a, drinks yeah exactly that so you're pushing it's just like dandruffy fucking yeah yeah also the parmesan isn't going to be like them weird shaved ones it's going to be like like that needs head and shoulders type of parmesan yeah like really really psoriasis-y but proper parmesan like just grated heavily yeah just great not like shit parmesan no no no it's not shit it's like whatever what's the passion called like grimp parmesan grana padano that's the cheat one actually i I didn't even realise.

56:40I always thought I was doing a solid by buying that. It was so fucking Parmesan. It's B-Tech Parmesan. What's the posh Parmesan called, Benito? Holco Hugano. Holco Hugano. Yeah. It was called that. Stony or cold. Yeah, I put Parmigiano Reggiano, surely. Parmigiano Reggiano. Yeah. Sounds made up, doesn't it? It does sound made up, but I always sing it in my head. But it's like a big one, like one of them big wheels. That's like the right colour. Have you ever seen them crack the wheel? Excuse me? Have you ever seen them crack the wheel? I've never seen anyone crack the wheel. A fresh wheel, completely covered, and then they have to put in, like, spikes at the side, and then they, like, tap the spikes in, and then you hear a crack.

57:25Oh, it's that hard? Yeah, it's like a loud crack, and the whole thing lifts off. That's really interesting. I've never heard of that. I will watch that on TikTok. Yeah, it's good. It's satisfying. I've seen it happen live, and it's a wonderful experience. I wonder if there's, like, an omen for that. An omen? Like if you crack a, you know, like we should come up with a proverb, like an Italian one. Like, you never really know him until he cracks a wheel. Until he cracks a wheel. Yeah. Yeah, I think that works. That's a good one. Thanks. Yeah, yeah. Which one would you do? I'm not sure I could improve on that, Joy.

57:58Okay. Your dream starter. So I think a lot about Teletubby food. No? Yeah. no keep going yeah on the way here I was listening to a song that mentioned Teletubbies was it the Teletubbies theme tune yeah yeah because it does mention it a lot that soundtrack bang yeah but yeah it made me think I haven't thought about Teletubbies no you brought them up I was like you talking about this morning I think about that you know that that pink custard that used to pipe through the bowl Tubby custard Tubby custard I think about the smiley face toast yeah and it's like therapy in it it's just soothing like yeah I want to be there in Teletubby land I don't want none of the Teletubbies there because that's creepy yeah sure right we're past that now did you have a gig with Tinky Winky did I have a gig with Tinky Winky yeah yeah a few of us he was a comedian he was like an alternative comic from the 80s oh yeah yeah yeah but you play Tinky Winky so you'd occasionally be on a bill with him and everyone would say to you that's Tinky Winky no would you talk about it yeah sometimes you'd talk about it on stage but like you know obviously they wouldn't believe him because they just assumed that comedians are lying so you would kind of see him talking about being Tinky Winky and I was like don't think so mate but like we knew Tinky Winky's the green one isn't it?

59:17the purple one oh he wasn't the one with the hat no it's the tallest one Dipsy had the hat that's hard though isn't it you're not even the star yeah because the hat he was the he was the solo career kind of yeah I know I think you ask different people they'll tell you different you know tell you tell me it's with a star because they're the you know they resonated with that person yeah yeah yeah maybe you're just like a dipsy guy I identify with Poe quite a lot yeah because it was like the afterthought yeah always last and we've got a bit you know what I mean they're like oh I guess Poe is well but you don't want any of them to be there while you're eating I don't want any of them to be there no because I know it's adults in like costumes and then I feel like that's like verging you know like sort of baby fetish territory or whatever I feel like what I'm doing in my life do you know what I mean but I want my friends there i want like my perfect birthday would be we'd like take you know like you can get an airbnb and go be in a castle a bit or whatever what friends um which friends it's all the people you didn't mention in your bafta speech yeah because your therapist took precedent imagine taking your therapist to tell you don't be like you'd get into it yeah he'd be like well let's unpack this one friends who won't unpack shit yeah unpack the psychology of like why i'm desperate to go back to that time when you know that show was so soothing you know like when life was easier basically yeah life's easy in tubby land right in Tally Tubby land yeah the sun's having a laugh the sun the sun's a baby the sun's a fucking baby man the sun can be there yeah the sun can be there the sun can be there what about the hoover yeah yeah yeah anyone who's not like a man in a suit yeah yeah do you know what I mean so the hoover can be there Nunu Nunu's there Nunu's there and also goes we gotta make a mess do you know what I mean there's going to be racks and lines of coke that Gunna needs to be put up do you know what I mean well poppadoms for a start Nunu's going to be going wild poppadom on your face yeah that's who's going to be working overtime wish those tuffies were back it feels unethical now isn't it it's like is Nunu getting paid do you know what I mean yeah you know in lockdown when the Kardashians had that like holiday and they had like the help in the background wearing masks obviously not obviously I don't know about that but yeah sure yeah during lockdown they threw a party and there was like photos of like the help in the background like serving and like masks and stuff anyways that's what I want Nunu to be yeah okay do you want Tubby Custard and Tubby Toast as your starter though I want Tubby Toast yeah because let's not get crazy I'm not trying to have dessert before my main do you know what I mean that would have been nice though I would have liked that if you had Tubby Custard and Tubby Toast yeah I hear you maybe we could dip it in oh come on surely you want to dip the Tubby Toast They go together, right?

1:02:02See what it's like. Yeah. Yeah. And it just, the main thing is it needs to look really plasticky. Like it needs to, do you know what I mean? It can't, because it looks so vague and that's why it was so delicious. What do you think tubby custard and tubby toast tastes like? I reckon like art department making food, which is not real food. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? But if I was to really suspend my disbelief and what I wanted it to taste like as a kid, the toast would taste like you know those edible, you know you get like some things that look like they're not edible but then they are like little marble cakes you know what I mean?

1:02:41Yeah I know exactly what you mean those things. The marble cake yeah No you know when the sugar like goes all shiny because the way it's like cooked on and it's like snaps in your mouth that's what I wanted to taste like Oh now I'm confused. Like sort of glazed They're glazed. You know almond nuts yeah? You know sometimes they put like a sugar coating on them? Yes. Yeah Okay. And then a... Yeah. A little shell. Yeah, shell, shell. It's another... Yeah. Of course. It's all about that, yeah. It's like a really thick poppadum. Yeah. With glazing. Yeah. Okay. Like if someone got a poppadum and put like Krispy Kreme glaze on it.

1:03:16Yes. Like if you put it through the glaze curtain. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's hardened. The whole thing's like hard. Yeah. I want to do this and then... Royal icing, I think. It might be like royal icing. Yeah. I think about like Krispy Kreme glaze now on a poppadum. You said Krispy Kreme, actually. I did say that earlier. And earlier I struggled with tummy custard. Yeah. All these words now are confusing me. Would you go through the glaze curtain? Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. If someone at Krispy Kreme was like, lay down on that conveyor belt. Absolutely. You just go through the glaze. Absolutely.

1:03:49And be covered in it. Yeah. Are you laying on it on your back, on your front? On my back, because my front, I've got a bit of a hairy chest. hair's just complicated the glaze will be an absolute nightmare we've all been there it's a nightmare yeah yeah getting it out do you know what I mean I think that at this point in my life I've never had a hairy chest my back's hairier than my front yeah is it yeah I think so wow man you wear that like a badge of honour yeah rarely that's a vibe rarely check out the old back to see what's going on there but when I do I'm like that's the last place you want someone to be sick yeah exactly much rather go Barrymore get it on my chest get it on my chest get that fizzy sick on my chest for God's sake Barrymore.

1:04:29Pepsi vomit to get out in glazing. Yeah, that is very hard. Imagine going for the Michael Barrymore vom curtain. Get a conveyor belt, they've rigged Barrymore up, he's had 10 Pepsi Maxes. We don't title these episodes like some podcasts do, but I think if we did it would be cool, this episode will be the Michael Barrymore vom curtain. Yeah, the vom curtain. So yeah, dream starter. What's tubby custard tasting like, do you think? Sweet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because otherwise it would be gunge, wouldn't it? Like you'd just be eating. Sure. Yeah, we want sweet. We don't want it too sweet so you can have loads of it.

1:05:08I think, like, again, you know the crispy cream filling kind of donut filling. Yeah. Like that, but pink. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. I like this. How old are you guys? You're younger than me by years. 39. Okay, we're close. You're younger than me. 38. Yeah. When's your birthday? Let me guess. I do not know either. All right, let me see. don't know yours, I will guess all three of your birthdays separately. Okay. This is a special skill that I do. Yes, yes. Is it like the impressions? It's just like my impressions. Then it'll be perfect. April 13th? Not far off.

1:05:41What is it? That's correct. That means I'm within two and a half weeks. Okay. If I get within two and a half weeks, that's unbelievable, Ben. That's the rule. It's crazy you didn't even react. You guys are too British. That's unbelievable. If this was a skill you had, you wouldn't be saying that's unbelievable. That's true. That's right. Okay. Give me a second. Ben doesn't react to anything just don't ever take it personally with him we've been doing this podcast for a long time he just sits there like he's not coining it in god you laughed at the genie part you laugh every time at the genie part no he hates the genie part I always hear him when his breath go unpredictable July 6th January 9th oh J you got the J September 10th no October 4th but hang on you got the number right I think in your head you saw for me it begins with J and you saw the number 9 and you flipped upside down yeah and I was trying to think January 6th, the big thing that happened in America and DC.

1:06:31I was like, you're definitely born around that time. Yeah, yeah. On that day. You're the 10th, but it's not that. February 10th. No, March. You're so close, though. To get the 10th straight up. Is this what the podcast is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's 100 % what the podcast is. I love this. I love this. I love how you're initiating these games, and then you ask us, is this what the podcast is? We've got two more projects to talk about. Yeah, sorry. Oh, sorry. DNA. so we just attached Yorma and we're eking towards a green light which is very exciting and we haven't I'm not allowed to say what it's about yet it's under wraps the plot is under wraps that's cool but I wrote it I've written many drafts of it the first draft was written years ago for Searchlight and then we attached Party Over Here which is Yorma Andy and Akiva and then we attached Yorma as director and now we're fixing the script up to hopefully shoot with me and Sam Rockwell who's won an Oscar and he's doing a movie he's won an Oscar for free billboards He was great in Green Mile.

1:07:30Remember Green Mile? Very good. That's when I first saw him. He was in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is lead thug. Now I'm interested. You've got to see a picture of him. He's amazing. He's a lead thug in that. He's wearing a white t-shirt and he has cigarettes underneath his white shirt. Always the coolest thing. The coolest thing. God. Mike and Nick and Nick and Alice. Does the name Vince Vaughn mean anything to you? A little bit. Did a little roll on that. we just wrapped that that was very fun Ben David who directed it did Scott Pilgrim the animated series and is a genius he called me and had this really fun role and he pitched it to me and showed me storyboards and it was so cool I was like gotta do it so I did that James Marsden is in that who's also in Sonic 1, 2 and 3 is this your first time meeting James Marsden face to face because in Sonic you're cartoons that's true I met him during publicity but you're right.

1:08:25It must be weird. I like to imagine you on set in Sonic just sort of painted blue walking around doing the voice. Yeah, that's what I am. I'm just hanging out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't smoke cigarettes but I imagine I'm smoking cigarettes. Smoking cigarettes being like, all right, another one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like that could be me. Do you think you could, if you had to be Sonic in real life, you could do it? Tell me what that means. Take me through what that means and I'll tell you yes or no. Run really fast. Run into all the coins. Run upside down. Rings. Coins is Mario. Keep going.

1:08:51anything else you want to shit on? Getting hit and dropping rings everywhere there you go that's a good one yeah yeah picking up my barrel and throwing it like Donkey Kong yeah and you have to defeat Robotnik at the end and Robotnik is Jim Carrey Jim Carrey's amazing so could you beat him in a fight? in real life no Jim Carrey I think can absolutely destroy me 100 % you ever see Truman Show? yeah yeah yeah he can do anything yeah in Truman Show does he beat someone up in Truman Show? no he probably gets beaten up he gets his ass handed to him a lot he does by weather and by people yeah Ed Harris is pretty mean to him actually yeah and wears very small glasses do you remember how small his glasses were tiny glasses yeah two little monocles tied together great movie though that was one of the first him and robin williams for you guys are both comedians him and robin williams doing drama was such a big deal for me to see because growing up i'd never seen a comedian do drama before and then i saw robin williams do it and i saw jim carrey do it i was like oh we're allowed to do both yeah and it was a huge eye opener and so jim carrey those that and uh eternal sunshine was huge to see as a kid i spoke to David Cross recently on his podcast.

1:09:49And he would not, I kept saying to him every now, you know, how often a week do you think to yourself, I was in Eternal Sunshine? And he's like, never. Oh, really? I was like, come on. It has to be all the time. Come on. I would think it all the time. All the time. Now I was trying to quote one of his lines to him. I am building a birdhouse. Very good. We wouldn't have any of that. No, he didn't. He didn't understand. He wasn't inviting. No, he didn't want to play with you. I get it. We haven't tried to guess your birthday. Women try to guess my birthday? We haven't. Women do? Do women try to guess Do you want to try?

1:10:17This is, I think you guys can get it. Yeah. I'll zap it to you. This is the thing you didn't give to me. I will zap it to your head. I was zapping, man. You were not. I was zapping the number. You were zapping the number. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zap it into my head. I'm really doing it. Okay. It's in your head. I can see it. Just say the first thing you're thinking of. September? This is unbelievable. Is it September? Keep going. I'm not going to say it's or else you're done. Are you fucking with me? It doesn't matter. Keep going. Just whatever you feel. The 15th. Google it. Benito, Google it 15th of September No, you are kidding me You must have looked it up before Yeah, I looked it up Yeah, I saw When I said you call him there She was looking it up I left just enough time I thought you were just on Twitter for some reason I don't know where the genie just goes on Twitter for no reason I'd put a little mark A little sticker on in my head Going like, be horrible to James afterwards And really take him to task for going on his phone during the podcast Because he's never done that before I couldn't believe it, really?

1:11:07That was really rude I was like, oh, I guess everybody's chill. Everybody's chill here. It must have felt like a sort of cool American, like, bro podcast. They're all in their phones. Yeah, yeah. It feels like, yeah, I'm sure their podcasts are based on their phones, right? But I thought, I'll look up Ben's birthday. You did that so well. You delivered that so well. Then later on, I'll bring it up. But I thought I'd do it now because I didn't want the whole podcast for you to be sitting there going, that fucking guy was on his phone. Yeah, sure. I'm happy you did. I didn't like it that he was doing that.

1:11:32Even though it gave us that moment, I still don't like it. Of course not. Would you take it back in an instant? Yeah. Of course. Oh, wow. Live and die by the sword. Would one of your genie wishes to be go back in time? Yeah, I'd use one of my three wishes to make you never look at your phone. Poison myself? Yeah, a food-based poisoning. As you see, I have strong feelings about many, many things. So that's a possible starter. Besides that, you know, salads. Let's talk about salads. I've heard you talk about Caesar salads. Well, as you know, I like garlic. I like anchovies. But listen to this. I'll bet you've never heard this.

1:12:06and I've never said this publicly. Okay, we got an exclusive. There we go. Okay, anchovies. I love them. I love them on pizza. I love, when I was a kid, I remember opening that tin and what's this? This is the saltiest fish. I love salty things. So I went, great, great. I ate the whole tin and it was wrapped up with a little caper in the middle. By the way, I like a caper. But in moderation, I'm not sure how I feel about those big capers. They call those capers too with a big stem. Caper berries. They say caper berries sometimes. Caper berries. I'm not sure how I feel. It's okay, but I'm not sure.

1:12:43Hey, speaking of which, do you know that fruit that is so omnipresent and everything? That stick, those little twigs with the bunch, it looks like Christmas holly, those little red berries. What are those called? And you can take them off like that or take it off like that. And they're kind of tart. What are those called? You know what I'm talking about? I know what you're talking about. I'm not sure what they're called, though. Yeah, neither do I. They're okay, but, you know, not my favorite. Speaking of which, nuts. Nuts. Because yesterday we were on the plane. We got a ramekin, by the way. That's the correct term for that little thing.

1:13:17Yes, absolutely. And you know what I like these days? Well, I like a salty nut. Yes, me too. And I like a warm nut. And I like, I think, the best. I pick them out first. Something like a walnut or a pecan. I think that's great. And I like if it's salty or spicy or sugary. Yeah. You know, that's okay for me, too. Cashew probably is my next choice there. Almonds, it has to be really savory or sweet. You know what I don't like? I don't like, here's why water is, when water is really good. To wet the whistle. I like that. Now, what I don't like is, peanut is fine, because those are salty. I don't know about shelling things.

1:14:02As a matter of fact, I don't know about edamame. Yeah. Unless it's salty on the outside, and you get some of that salty as you're pulling it out. Suck the pods. Yeah. But peanuts, okay. Pistachios, I like if they're very salty, but I don't know if I... I don't want to do work. They do bags of the unshelled... They do. They shell them for you, right? And that's good, but then I can go too quickly, you know. You put 20 in my mouth at the same time. It's probably good to have to work a little, but I don't like to work. My kids like a lobster with some tools, and they say, watch this, and they'll go to work.

1:14:35Or they take a bone, they eat meat, they're meat eaters, and for good or ill, you know, I'm sorry if you don't like it. But they get a bone, and they go to town on that bone, or a chicken. And they, like, are far, like in 2001. But I think if you're going to be a meat eater, you've got to have the bones, you've got to have all of that. So I'm not a meat eater these days, and I've never liked the bones. I've always liked meatloaf or a meatball or bolognese sauce or ragu, something that's already done for me. I don't want to work, and I don't want to come upon anything that's like gristle or tendon or anything.

1:15:14I don't like that. So I think I'm a natural non-meat eater. Now I'm eating fish and this and that. Anyway, I got started on that. Hey, you know what nut I don't like? Brazil nut. The large Brazil nut. Boy, that's a boring nut. I'm sorry. Yeah. All you Brazil nut lovers. It could go to hell. Yeah, yeah. I like the macadamia nut. Yeah. Maybe a little fatty, but I like it especially when it's sugared and something like that. Anyway, don't get me started.

1:15:48We love a good character on off menu. And one guest really got us laughing. Here's Sharon Wanjohi trying to impress a date. this is up there moment of 25 for me I think yeah

1:16:05see this is another nostalgic dish this is this is nostalgia for certain times of your life it is it's a crisp ribena yeah I'm on a bike and there's a boy I fancy two streets down and I'm riding and I fall off and I scrape my knee ah ah I go up to the boy ah hey ah I scrape my knee.

1:16:31This has got to be a clip because people have got to see Sharon's face. No, no, do it. No, I'm not doing it. I've never ridden a bike before. Can I? The disgust on your faces is not making me feel confident. I just know I'm right. I think it's brilliant, but I'm also confused. No, I'm not confused. I love it. I'm right there. Are you in the moment with me? Yeah, I get it. Thank you. oh I don't have any plasters that's okay I might come back tomorrow that's okay with you come back tomorrow with a scrape knee yeah because I'm eager I feel killed by tomorrow I thought you were coming back tomorrow for a plaster no I mean just to buy but in that moment I'm embarrassed I've just scraped my knee so you've let's recap you're cycling on the street you fall off the bike as a boy your age he's just like standing on the street so he's just on the pavement he's just chilling and you go up to him and say I just scraped my knee in an American accent with the voice and he says I don't have a plaster you say that's okay I might come back to Mars is there anything wrong with that?

1:17:41so you didn't come back I'm embarrassed yeah the boy that I like has just seen me fall down yeah I'm nervous but I also like that you say I've just scraped my knee and his first thing he says is I don't have any plasters. I don't have any plasters. Because he wants to be helpful, but he acknowledges that in the moment he can't help. And I like that. He's emotionally sensitive, I think, in this version of the thing. And he's okay with me doing a voice. I like the voice. See, I did it on a date the other day and she never texted me back. I think I killed it. In what context? She was like, let's check in.

1:18:16How are you feeling about this date? And I was like, I like this date. you're very pretty. Oh, should I have said that out loud? Oh, well. And then I thought, fucking hell, Sharon. That's the worst thing I've ever heard anyone doing a first date. It's a first date. I mean, if you're not going to be yourself, you may as well have let's butter off a cow's udder at that point. Oh my God. That would have been better. I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't love let's check in. I don't love that either. I kind of like it. It's very Gen Z. with two women on a date. How are you feeling? Yeah. So you quite like it, but then what you did, so let's dispense with that.

1:19:00Oh, fuck. James and I are millennials. Don't copy your face. James and I are millennials. We don't like the check-in, okay? The check-in is too much. The check-in should be unspoken. That's how you draw the line. Okay. So you like that. Oh, my God. But then why did you then do the... Infantilizing. Yeah, yeah. You became a little kid. You thought it was funny. If I was on a date and someone said how's the date going I went well gee I'm pretty good I guess man I'd love that you would love it it's so fun I hope I don't go toilet in my pants that is not what I was doing how dare you I got butterflies in my stomach I was being a big girl who watches way too much anime I gotta call my mommy and give her three rings oh geez my heart's beating out of my chest you're telling me you wouldn't like that but you said she was pretty in the voice i love it funny funny funny i think it's hilarious apparently not it's funny hearing about it now what was her face doing when you did it so i wasn't looking at her while i was doing it i went to laugh being like oh no don't cover your face you're making this so much worse than it is she's just absolutely puking everyone she was like you even look pretty when you puke Now this has turned into bullying.

1:20:21This is just straight up bullying. So you weren't looking at her? No. You were looking down for the character? Yeah, because the character's like,

1:20:31The character for the people just listening to it always involves Sharon grabbing the back of her neck, like nervously, like the kid in Stranger Things does when something's creeping up, sex is something bad. So just like, hand on the back of the neck and then looking down and then like vibrating. And then making a noise which increasingly sounds like an Al Pacino impression. Yeah, yeah. I'll take it. Adding that to the list. Date number two, thank you very much. So she's not got back in contact. Nah. When was it? I want to say like three weeks ago now. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah, no, that's dead in the water.

1:21:05So it's fine, it's fine. I've cried my tears. Well, I guess you don't like me that much. I love the character. Yeah, the character's great. I really like the character. Really good. very Rugrats I'd watch out yeah really Rugrats actually thanks that's a millennial thing oh my god I know what Rugrats how old do you think I am? well you've proudly proclaimed yourself Gen Z so yes and I wear that with a badge of skibbity honour thank you very much what's Gen Z? 20s? your 20s? yeah 20s yeah but early early 20s I'll take it okay I'm actually 16 this is illegal what you guys are doing actually we've had a 15 year old on this podcast before no you haven't we have from strangers oh yeah the kid who does that actually yeah the kid who does that when you have 15 you do that you're in the strange i'm not 15 in this in this you are when you were acting i'm a grown man you were on that date i'll tell you that much you weren't there you don't know the facts we arrive at your dream dessert yes I kind of like I feel like this is a recent food trend I like I like the desserts that look like food but they're cold like the ice cream chicken ice cream fried chicken or like a sweet past spaghetti bolognese I know what you mean it's very sort of an online thing like Disney adult yeah yeah yeah gonna die at 50 it's kind of cool though I think it's so cool the spaghetti's cool so cool just like the spaghetti like strands of ice cream right basically yeah it looks like it looks like You guys are tricking me.

1:22:42I'm like, huh? What's this? This should be savoury. Not sweet. And then it is sweet and it's delicious and you're like, yes, you guys got me again. I know James wants to ask about this character now as well. This is not a character. This is who I am. Fair enough. Nice to meet you. It was quite similar to the same, quite similar to the date character. Yeah, a bit like that kind of same person a bit in a different environment. Yeah, this one is a child. Where they've been kind of tricked by them. This one is a child. Yeah, they do brownies. What the heck? What the heck? Do you guys just swear? You're not supposed to do that.

1:23:24I think I'm going to have to tell my mum. Sorry. Do the American voice. It is quite similar to the other characters. Yeah, very similar. Because you go, I think I just really enjoy the way people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. it is good why am I single yeah I know what you mean that food because I remember when I was a kid when I first saw one of those like you know foam burgers those little sweets oh it's like I was so excited to eat it oh my gosh I was like I couldn't wait to eat one of those like with all the different layers with the gummy like lettuce tomato yeah yeah the burger the burger itself actually probably the least appealing part of the sweet burger it doesn't lend itself well to the gummy you could do without it could be a sandwich could be a sandwich were you like is this gonna taste like burger or were you like oh no this is sweets I think I definitely thought like this is gonna taste like fruity sweets but the burger part of it did make me I don't know what that's gonna be what is that meant to be yeah like the rest of it even the bun looked quite sweet and foamy and nice but the actual burger itself I was like hopefully that's like a cola thing or something I don't either what's the name of the company that made those like the ones that you see everywhere because it's like right at the front of my brain and I just need to scratch that itch otherwise yes Amazon Gummy Zone no it's not Gummy Zone he's angry about that he's wasting his time Gummy Zone Benito's gonna he's getting ready to tell you you should quit comedy that's normally after you don't normally do that during tell he's gonna say it the fact it's coming at the end of the meal does that ruin the trick no because I think the way I would the way I would approach this is that's dessert number one because I'm tricking my brain into thinking, oh, like I'm still eating savourier food so there's more space for it.

1:25:14Because I feel like your brain does this thing where you're like, oh, I'm quite full actually from the meal, but I still want dessert. You're like, let me just do the dessert and then I'll be in a food coma after. If you get dessert number one and it looks like savourier food, your mind is like, oh, this is more food. Okay, we can create space for this and then we can have dessert after. Ha ha, silly brain. I've already had dessert. I'm only going to go and do it again, but this time you'll actually see what the dessert is. so it's more of like a mental psychological I feel like the CIA might have kind of James did you follow that in any way whatsoever I just I just find it very funny silly brain is what made me really laugh yeah I was really I loved silly brain that you've also eaten it yeah and you've tasted it and you your silly brain still thinks it's savoury I know no no this is this is a spag bol but it tastes sweet hmm I wonder what that's about let me just keep eating I guess I'll get dessert after the character's sneaking back in there I think every time something with the finger comes you go if you're honest the character is 100 % at the wheel now it's completely behind the wheel it's taken over but you're just resisting doing the voice because you want to disguise it as yourself but you know really it's the I guess this is maybe an ice cream of some description can we do the rest of it like this you can it's the best thing all I can think about is you're on that date doing that all I can think of is you're very pretty looking at the floor you weren't saying you're very pretty is that you went she sure is pretty or something like that you said it about her and then you were doing so you're doing like a Gollum kind of thing of like she sure is pretty did I just say that out loud or not and I it's I love it so much it's so great I think it's a normal and fun and whimsical thing to do on a date and if you guys disagree with that that's absolutely okay there's at least three people who disagree with it me, James and her yeah but she doesn't deserve you that was fresh if you said that in two months I'd have been like haha but actually that could have been my future wife so that does stink no it couldn't but only because she wasn't down to clown yes exactly you need someone who's down to clown I need someone to give it back you'll find someone who does like that kind of stuff and it'll be great I know and that'll be I'm a big supporter of people just going I'm just going to out the gate be exactly who I am you have to why go on a date don't waste any time did you want me to be like yes this meal is actually quite exquisite I really enjoy the wine bearing I absolutely think you would do that as well same problem it's not though because I'm being a fancy lady so she's like oh this lady is very fancy you've not shown up as a fancy lady though you're just suddenly halfway through the meal turning into something else so I'd have to start off like that but that's not what she wants she wants me and then she also wants the part of me that that's fine to pretty you want the whole smorgasbord it's boring I think you know I don't think it's the fact I don't think she's right I'm sorry that I brought us back here because I can't stop thinking about it but like I don't think it's the fact that you said she was pretty I think if you went it's going really well actually and I think you're really beautiful nah I don't think she would go not replying to this I think it's the fact that you went oh yeah and you said you're pretty in the character because it's fun and silly Silly.

1:28:33Yeah. I get it. Thank you. Yeah. I think like, yeah, you will find someone who loves that character. Yeah. And then it'll be great. Thank you. That's very nice. And we'll just have like a little. I think next time turn up as the character. From the get go. Scrape your knee outside. Oh my God. I'll come back here tomorrow. Are you Jessica? So you do marketing, huh? I want that character to get a sitcom immediately. Is there any commissioners listening to this? Yeah. Just please give Sharon a sitcom where that is the character. But the character has to live in just modern Britain though. Oh my God.

1:29:09The character can't live in like 50s America clearly where they're from. My oyster card isn't working. They're just doing really mundane every day. May I have a stamp please? I wonder if he knows what I'm sending. No, we have to get away from this now. Okay. I love the character. We are at the end of the episode pretty much. so we've not got away from it successfully so what is the food you want a spaghetti bolognese ice cream I want the fried chicken ice cream I want it to come in a bucket I want to house it and then I want to have finish it off with just a classic brownie oh hold on so there's a brownie in there as well as in like that's dessert number two yeah because you trick your silly brain trick your silly brain yeah what flavour is the ice cream the actual fried chicken ice cream classic vanilla let's not get too crazy with it you know does it have a little like fake drumstick that you can it does you can literally pick them up and then bite into ice cream which is a little bit inbred but it's fun.

1:30:02Am I allowed to say that? I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard anyone use it in that way before. I use it very lightly. It's actually honestly becoming a problem. You know who else is in bread? Marry his dad. He's in bread. Oh, he's in bread. Oh. I thought you were going to say shaman because she was kissing her cousin earlier. I want to set the record very straight. I have never and will never kiss my cousin. No, I think what you were saying is when you get so drunk that you could kiss yourself. fly out the window. Yes, thank you. We see eye to eye. You didn't say, actually. You're just kissing your cousin, James, it sounds like.

1:30:36Yeah, yeah. You're just making up. On the reg. Well, she's very pretty. No. Are we all right? I think this is frowned upon. Your mom's my dad's brother, right? No, this is bad. This is bad. Naughty. No more of this. It's the annual list of anecdotes where Benito's failed to make these clips fall neatly into other categories. Here's Ellie Taylor, David Tennant, Neil Hannan, Rhys James, Mira Soda and Will Sharp.

1:31:16I want some lovely garlic, some yummy aioli with it, something, some sauce. But I want a good sauce to croquetus ratio. Yeah. I don't like it when they're stingy. And also, I want them to take a note of how many people are at the table and give me a number that I can divide. Do you know what I mean? Do not give me three when there's two of us. Yes, I completely agree with that. That drives me mad. Yeah, yeah. Let's make that a law. It should be a law. Starmer, if you're listening. Yeah. I think it's out of order when there's four of you and they bring three along. It's ridiculous. That would be very ridiculous.

1:31:49It's like something, I'm sorry, you probably don't want to hear this, you want some time away from it, but it's like something the producers of the traitors would put into the game to divide people and turn them against each other. The croquettes. Let's send them three when there's four of them and see their true colours come out and they'll start turning on each other. There we go. Nothing more pathetic than like... The tapas. The next big twist. The tapas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the tapas. Yeah. I just think there's nothing more pathetic when there's like three of you and you have to...

1:32:18Oh, should we chop this one into three? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one wants that. Everyone wants it. Yeah. But you do need to... There needs to be a ruling though. Oh, you have to. With what's happening to that last croquetta. Oh, because if you just went for it. Yeah. I'd think about that forever if someone just did that. You can't chop it into three. The ruling needs to be you two share that one. And then the next thing that comes, if there's a division issue, then I get priority. That's nice. And we're all having a nice time. I like to just say that that person just gets it. Just give it to someone else.

1:32:49Anyone but me. Oh, really? Because it's too awkward for you to have it. I just can't be bothered with the whole conversation. just give it to that person right or can we shout out being adults just order another portion ooh that's blowing my mind right what big man we're grown ups big man we can do that if we want we could actually do that couldn't we yeah but sometimes you don't want a whole portion you just want one extra one for the I beg your pardon okay you've never seen a kid you've never seen a kid go should we get another portion yeah because we're grown ups kids can't go anyone else let's get another portion let's just get another portion should we get a few bits let's just get another portion let's get some of the table imagine that Imagine having a kid that was like, you've got kids.

1:33:25Imagine one of the kids where you go out as a family, and one of the kids turns to you and goes, should we get another portion? You know what? You'd be like, what? I would love that. I would love it or put them up for adoption. I don't know which one it would be. No, you would love that, Ed. What, if suddenly my kid went, should we get something for the table? You would be delighted. It would be scary. Let's put this one up for adoption. When they say things that you don't expect, I found a video of my daughter on my phone. and she's six and she was just sort of doing a report to the camera this is me at home with mummy and daddy and she sort of went and it's going to be Saturday and I love all my friends and and then she paused and went stay connected peeps and then did a little saloon see that's good this is it now it makes you laugh but they all watch YouTube too much she doesn't watch YouTube so I don't know where she's got that from I was talking to some friends and their kid like every time they get hold of their mum's phone just walks around making like YouTube videos even though they're not going to be uploaded anywhere right and they did one like sneaking into their dad's room where he like builds Lego and stuff, this guy.

1:34:26And the kid was actually like, it was like, okay, people, here we are. And at one point he went, oh my God, I just shit my ass.

1:34:37Our friend's kid, she did a poo on her potty and then turned to her dad and went, present in there for you. That's amazing. That's not true. How old is that? How old is the kid? It's not true. Oh my God. That's not true. he must have laughed at that yeah yeah of course present in there for you amazing my favourite thing my daughter said when she was about three there was a firework that went off and she looked at me and went excuse you mummy good stuff funny well maybe if I had a kid who went should we get another portion to the table I'd be on board also I don't think if we're being realistic I don't think Ed could have any other type of kid who did yeah Ed's kid would definitely turn out like that.

1:35:20What if your kids are picky eater, if you had them and they were really picky? Hello, adoption. Okay. Weren't you a picky eater as a kid? No. You would. You only have stuff from the adults menu. You want stuff from the kids menu. That's not picky. That's the opposite of picky. Were you like, Mummy, can I have some mussels? Yeah. Oh my God, really? Yeah, yeah. He would order the picker's basket. He was very, very strict about what he had. The picker's basket from the brasserie. From the brasserie. What's the picker's basket? It was like a sharing platter of starters. and that's what I'd have for my main it's my favourite how old are you?

1:35:52like a tiny kid picker's basket yeah yeah mozzarella sticks jalapeno poppers oh my god all in a lovely picker's basket yeah my kids are quite boring with food but then some of their friends will be like you know in their packed lunches we'll have olives and I'm like how have you got olives? I don't even like olives yeah I think olives are disgusting really? disgusting if they come with my Keir Royale I'll throw them at the barman they will not think I'm the most polite person yeah I thought you were supposed to be the most polite person well when it comes to olives all your good work out the window yeah gone yeah I think she was so lovely and then she lobbed a whole bowl of olives at my head after a double vodka and coke and a Keir Royale she really turns you've been Hamlet right you've done Hamlet I've done Hamlet there's no genius lamps in Hamlet but you got skull yeah how heavy how heavy were that we had a real skull wow Yeah, we had the skull of a real human.

1:36:49A guy called Andrei Tchaikovsky. It was a classical musician who had left his skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company. I remember this. To appear in a production of Hammer. So I did not have to fake any weight there. I was holding Andrei. He was Yorick. Wow. The first time you had to do that? Yeah. You had to pick it up in rehearsal? Yeah. Did you just go straight in? Yeah, fine. Or were you like, I don't know if I would have... Oh, I was really, really thrilled about it. Not in a macabre way, because that moment in the play is about connecting with mortality. So if you're actually lifting, there's no acting involved.

1:37:24You're looking into the eyes of a human who once walked the earth. There's something very powerful about that. Could you see yourself leaving any of your bones to theatre? I'd very happily appear again in a production of Hamlet playing a different part. I think that would be something glorious about that. Yeah, it'd be awful if you left your skull to the Royal Shakespeare Company and it was the understudy skull. Oh yeah, imagine that. Yeah. That would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? To be honest, I don't think you can do it anymore. Because Andre had done it, had left it and it had gone through all the various, there's a lot of hoops to jump through for various governmental organisations who perhaps frown on the idea of body parts being left to anything other than cremation.

1:38:08so I think the laws have now changed that Andre's probably the last person who's going to be able to have done that but his skull is still there he can be used in future productions of Hamlet well done Andre yeah or does it have to be Hamlet if I wrote a new play and I just wanted there to be a skull in it could I get Andre's skull that is an excellent question to which I do not know the answer I don't know how specific his will was and I don't know whether the specifics of that have any kind of legal ramifications so I can't give you the answer but I'd like to be able to What's the Janet and Alan Orberg book about the skeletons?

1:38:40Yeah, yeah. The Lazy Bones, is it? Yeah. What are they called? Lazy Bones, maybe. They live in a dark, dark house on a dark, dark street. Oh, okay. Those guys, and they're a family of skeletons. Maybe Andre could be in a live production of that. Actually, no reason why not. Although I'm not in charge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But there's a lot of skeletons in that. That's why we've got you here today, David. We've written a production of Lazy Bones. I think the problem there is that there's a lot of skeletons in that. That's true. So if only one of them has a real skull. Even more difficult. The Rogers Book Company does own other skulls.

1:39:08Oh, great. From historical productions. Brilliant. David Garrick's skull, I think. Not David Garrick himself. The skull David Garrick used is also in their collection. Because I used it at the dress rehearsal because Andre hadn't quite had all his boxes ticked by the various authorities. So in the dress rehearsal, I used the old skull that came from the store. And I dropped it and a bit fell off. Oh, wow. There was one time when my daughter was quite young and I'd done something silly with the peas and I said, oh, my bag. Yeah. Because I thought that's what it was. You thought they said my bag?

1:39:47I thought they said my bag. I thought that was the phrase, my bag. That doesn't even make sense. You said something with the peas. Yeah. What have you done wrong with the peas? You had a bag of peas. I can't remember the fact. Did something wrong. I had to apologise, you said my bag. I said my bag. I don't know whether I thought it referred to, like, I can't imagine what I thought. I guess people would say, that's not my bag. Yeah, that's not my bag. So you're kind of confused the two phrases a little bit. Are you going, hey, my bag. So desperately unhip. Imagine if you did something wrong at, like, baggage claim or something.

1:40:25It's my bag. My bag. That is not your bag. That is not your bag. Stop making mistakes. This is the whole root of the problem is that you keep on picking up the wrong bags. And you've got all these things on your Christmas dinner. I didn't do the condiments. Oh yeah, we've got the condiments. Condiments are the best bit. Sorry, condiments are the best bit and we're going to do the condiments right now. Cranberry sauce, horseradish, mint sauce, bread sauce, English mustard, Dijon mustard. Yeah. Have I forgotten anything? Anything else that's around. Ballymaloo relish, whatever. What's that relish?

1:40:58Oh, Ballymaloo, Do you not have it over here? No, no, no. Oh, it's lovely. Yeah, it's from this range of products called Ballymaloo. But it's like Branston a bit, but it's sweeter, and it's kind of sort of ready brown. It's really lovely. Lots of sort of sultanas crop up in it and stuff like this. Yeah, it's very good in sandwiches. Nice. Yeah. I have a bread sauce story. is it about the time your mum threw you some bread and you played with it too much no no but it did occur in my my parents house uh like maybe 10 years ago uh i was you know my brother's families were there as well everybody was there it was christmas i thought i am going to make the bread sauce i'm going to cut to the chase it said you know i'd flavored it with like cinnamon things and like apple whatever and then it said sieve I put the sieve there and I put the pot just threw it all down the sink you sieved the sauce I sieved the sauce the wrong way around you said my bag my bag I hope it catches on yeah my bag and sink bread sauce as well I hope that catches on people only have it out the sink and you've successfully made bread sauce since I never tried to cook again there was a year when I was 15 when my parents separated for one year and just for one year for one year they had a rumspringer what's that, that sandwich no it's the Amish tradition of you get to leave the community for a year and go and do whatever you want as long as the promise is you come back and become Amish again I didn't know that about the Amish I didn't know it was called that and I didn't know Ed knew this much about the Amish I love the Amish I keep getting TikToks at the moment of people going to Amish communities and saying you have to prepare the zombies are already in the city and the Amish people being like what?

1:43:06and they're going like honestly and then there's other ones of them showing brain rot to Amish people like weird memes that just don't make any sense of like AI stuff how do the Amish people know about zombies? Yeah. Well, maybe there's some explaining they do before it. So there's this thing called zombies. That's dead people walking around. But you wouldn't be scared of it. I saw one, he had an AI video of cats in the Olympics, and he showed it to an Amish person, and it was all cats going off diving boards and doing flips. And what's interesting about that one is the Amish person is not buying it one bit.

1:43:34They look at it like, yeah, so? What's this? This is obviously, the guy's like, look, you wouldn't expect a cat to do that. Three flips. And the Amish person is just like, yeah. It's just in an Apple shop. basically sorry as in literal apples it's not the genius bar they're actually selling apples the apple store it's not the apple store it must have been on this year off honest people do not yeah yeah that's where they go immediately as soon as the first day of their year off straight in the apple store their head starts vibrating oh I can't take it if you took your laptop to the genius bar and someone was dressed like an Amish person there you'd be like well I'm fucked I'm never getting that laptop back they're not gonna know what to do I sometimes times when i see ai videos i feel like an amish guy because you think that's real for it yeah yeah and i have to check with charlie what's what's ai and what's not i'll be like come over here how can a horse be this small come over here how can a horse be this small right well then i then i'm i'm gonna be dead in a year yeah because i can't tell whatever when you fall for an ai thing it does feel like well it's game over for my brain isn't it yeah yeah it's why when your parents send you one you're just like oh god it's weird different planets now yeah well my mum got into like using chat gpt to make uh like pictures of our cat my cats and send them to me so she would just but she would just speak into it so it wouldn't look anything like them but she would just say like a sphinx cat next to a main coon cat and it's their birthday and then she would send me and there's two cats wearing party hats i don't know about my cats i'll be like what was She told me about it.

1:45:11She was like, it's this website, and you just tell it stuff. Yeah, I mean, it's exciting. I got sent, my girlfriend's mum sent me a song about my cat that she'd made on AI. She found an app where it just sings you a song. I've never used AI. It's really good. I can't believe there's parents using AI. I've never used it. Yeah, I was like, and I immediately was like, I was making a Radio 4 show at the time, and I needed some songs in it. And I immediately was like, what is this website? This is incredible. She didn't even write the lyrics. She just said, there's a boy called Reece, and he's got a cat called Tabitha, she's a ginger cat she's crazy write a song about that and it was like a country and western song that was like exactly the tune you'd expected yeah yeah it was like a theme tune for the cat basically that it came back with and I also it's like completely out of the blue you get that text from your girlfriend's mum so what I'm just like what do I do thumbs up it and never reply I thought your cat I mean maybe this was a different cat but I thought Bob Mortimer named your cat Bob Mortimer named my cat Tabitha Lightsource oh okay there you go yeah yeah yeah yeah i know you expected sort of like mike twat or something like that no no i knew it was something like it's disrespectful then to not say tabitha light source every time you talk about yeah yes okay fine especially if you've got bob mortimer to name your cat yeah yeah it's kind of waste yeah it is a bit of a waste i should go tab yeah yeah yeah fair enough okay tabitha light source and i'll release the theme tune yeah it's a not dissimilar situation where i was in um I'm very interested to hear how not dissimilar this is well is it like it was someone who was looking after poisonous venomous snakes and this was in Thailand and was telling us about how venomous they were and showed us by getting this snake he sort of wrapped a glass he put some cling film over a glass and then I don't know what he'd done to sort of anger the snake but the snake then bit the glass because it was angry and he saw this venom shoot out of its mouth and then at some point during the show he was bitten and had to be taken off and there was an ambulance just outside and so the show just suddenly ended so was the ambulance outside before the show started you go this happens every week yeah surely they're just there doors open it was quite I wouldn't recommend anybody go to a place like this because if you kind of I remember looking at his arms thinking it looks like he's been bitten before numerous times either that or he was a heroin addict but you know either way it's not going to be a good show.

1:47:33He could have a crippling addiction and he's trying to wean himself off of it by finding a different passion. And he's looking after snakes and now they're biting him all the time. It's true. He could have been manning the tandoor because, you know, going back to tandoors, I did have to work a tandoor at some point in my career and they burn up the arms. Oh, I bet. Cinge the eyebrows off all the hair disappears. Apart from the moustache. It's a dangerous job. Yeah, apart from the moustache. That's the guy who works in the thing, not you. Right, thank you. you the uncle the uncle yeah yeah yeah as soon as i said it i was like better clear better clear that up yeah i knew what you meant yeah yeah yeah he said all the hair disappears i was like uh if we know one guy who's doing all right on the hair front who works at tando he's got longer arms than i have oh has he that's another thing i mean i feel like i've got quite short arms i feel like i'm yeah well i didn't think it before but yeah now you've stuck your arm out But you do think T-Rex arms.

1:48:29That's crazy. Yeah. Feels proportional to me. No, that's short. That's short. Yeah, so it was, yeah, it was a dangerous job for me to do. You've got to really get in there, right? Yeah, it's one swift move. Yeah. You've got to plaster it with this kind of gigantic powder puff to the side of the Tandor quite swiftly and quickly and get out of there. Yeah, because it's like 400 degrees in there. Wow. Yeah. What? I love that. I love seeing videos of that of people just like sticking, sticking the Narns to the side of the Tandor. Oh, yeah. confidently yeah really jealous you saw that guy get bit by a snake were you really afterwards if you're honest were you like that was brilliant when he got bit no I do I have to say I didn't think that good story now though isn't it yeah it is a good story now I would have been really laughing I do have another snake story coming up though coming up I didn't even well I mean in the main course there's my main course actually features a snake I mean not eating a snake I can see why you didn't want to save the bread now because you already had a snake story lined up wouldn't it be amazing if the panipuri man when he's putting the liquid in he also has a snake in his backpack and the snake bites the hole in the top that would be genius that would be a show wouldn't it that would be good actually yeah yeah if it just bounces out and bites the little hole in it because that's the hardest for me when I've ever had panipuri actually putting the hole in it you know the last I can tell you when I had it it was my birthday pow too hard because I was so amped up because it was my birthday.

1:50:00I wasn't drunk. Starter. Pow. Immediately ruined it. Just too big of a hole. Yeah. I felt a little sad. Oh, I'm sorry about that. But I think snakes could be good, but the venom thing might be an issue. But you could have like a hygienic squirrel standing on a, like a little... Yeah, a hygienic squirrel. A hygienic squirrel, yeah. Good luck finding one of those. I tell you who, we could get one of those long schnozda wankers to come in. whack their schnoz on it tell them there's an ant inside yeah tell them there's an ant inside I feel for every time not an ant in this one yeah there's an ant in that one there better be so you two have a history yes yeah you went to university together is that right?

1:50:45no way I couldn't get in there I couldn't get in there you went to two different universities and Ed knew you because you were rivals we were yeah we were well I guess comedy rivals but sometimes we do stuff together almost friends What uni's we talking here? Durham for my man? Doxbridge. We both went to Doxbridge. Doxbridge. Yeah. That's disgusting. Yeah. No, Will went to Cambridge and I went to Durham. But some people at Durham referred to Durham, Cambridge and Oxford as Doxbridge, which was pathetic. Who did that? Some real losers. I think mainly Ed. Oh, yeah, me. I mean, me, yeah. Also, Durham not getting many letters in there.

1:51:22No. I know you have the fun of the word. It's proportional. It's proportional. Yeah. Oh, you went to Oxford? Yeah. That's cool. So we'd meet each other at Cambridge. And then after uni, we did bits together, didn't we? Yes. Comedy bits. We had a hit sketch group. We had a hit sketch group. Let's talk about this hit sketch group. Oh, man. What was it called? Them Four Horsemen. Them Four Horsemen, it was called. I think we maybe did four shows. Four shows. And we kept planning to do one on Christmas Eve. Yeah. Christmas Day, actually. if you're still on Facebook you can probably find the invite to the event somewhere on Christmas Day.

1:52:03So you're going to do a Christmas Day gig, and who is the four of you? I'm guessing Nish is involved in this somehow? No, no, no. There was another thing with Nish, which is sort of like, I was thinking about this because then he was coming in. It was called something like The Club for Men Who Are Not Usual, and it was one of those sitcom ideas that immediately doesn't work. and we had like an old camcorder and filming stuff around this flat and all I remember is there was some shoes in the fridge and Nish called his suit his 9-5 shield and immediately we were like the point of these people is they do things that are not usual but where does it seem unsustainable I remember that where there was a shot like one shot where one of us like made a cup of tea from the beginning like talking for ages about not being usual and then like walked to the toilet poured it down the toilet and flush that's funny that's a funny bit it was really funny for us we had a laugh didn't we it's a load of funny nonsensical things but after a while I imagine for a viewer it's maddening well there weren't any viewers apart from us it didn't matter I don't know if you even cut it together to be fair that's a shame well I do have some old Them Four Horsemen sketches on a hard drive somewhere Oh my god Exciting So who are the other two horsemen?

1:53:25Tom Williams Who's no longer in comedy No I do English teacher English teacher And Al Roberts Al Roberts Staff Let's Flats Yeah I don't know who that is Yeah You know Al It's funny After the Williams guy To make out Like I didn't know how Al Roberts was Have you done some other stuff since? With Al? Without me I've done some stuff Yeah you've been up to some stuff Do you feel guilty When you do stuff without Ed? I feel guilty when I listened to this podcast, I felt because so many times I've been like, oh, I should message Edge just to say, I'm really enjoying it. And I haven't really, I didn't really do that.

1:54:03Well, I've not messaged you saying I'm enjoying all your stuff. Yeah, I suppose. Maybe that's how it works. What happened with the four horse people that means that you don't text each other anymore? I guess like we just sort of got, got busy in other ways. Yeah, sidetracked. You know, you get sidetracked and then the sidetrack becomes your main track. yeah yeah i relate yeah there are other things like swimming around my head but i'm like we don't need to get back maybe come back to them later yeah yeah do you ever find yourself on set filming something and thinking back to the days of uh palling around with this young whippersnapper do you know what there i do feel like there is a thing where no matter what the scale is of a project this is a bit of an earnest answer but like I feel like it does sort of feel like just hanging in a good in a good way at its best you're just kind of figuring stuff out with your mates and trying to make it funny or make it work or whatever so I do sometimes think of that and like Tom Kings is another person I've worked with a lot in the past so I do think of those days sometimes yeah would you ever put like pitch an idea on set like if you were on an exciting project but you know maybe the right joke here is flushing a cup of tea down the toilet maybe I'll try and work that in it's a good joke I'll try and work it in yeah would you have to check with these guys uh the other unusual men I think you'd be alright with it it would be like a little wink you know in the ether and see if see if you know see if they'd spot well look I officially give you permission to use anything from the club for men who are not usual not usual if it's them for what's my stuff you're gonna have to you're gonna have to call me because at some point I do want to do the song of the cowboys teaching kids how to count.

1:55:47Oh, yeah. Yeah. That sounds good. Yeah, I can't remember. I've got a video of it somewhere, and I refuse to watch it because I look haunted. You look haunted. In what way? Well, it was back in my bigger days, and I'd say I look like I'm wearing a fat suit in a 90s film, and I'm very tired. I hope we're all pretty tired. Yeah. There was one sketch that we filmed, which the only we were just all eating Muller rice do you remember that? I don't remember Muller rice we just got bought like 20 Muller rice yeah and there was the main theme of this sketch show seemed to be that there wasn't really a joke in any of the sketch and so it was just we were just eating Muller rice that's good I mean it's alright what we'd do is we'd have a show and we'd go to your flat during the day we'd just mess around for ages and one of us would go that's a sketch that would do me with a fake beard on and then a tight over my head.

1:56:39Oh, old man. Old man. Old man the rocker. Yeah. Old man the rocker. Old man rocking in a rock and roll band. Yeah, I'm an old man. I can't play the guitar. You smash it in the way. Yeah, smashing away on the guitar. I was clearly, I think I'd had too much coffee and I was just like, just running around with the guitar and they were all like, that's great. That's great. Yeah. I think that does sound great though. I've got a bus pass, but I'd take it to Wembley. You've got a pair of tights on your head. Yeah. That's it. Yeah, yeah. Why would the title assume you look bold? So you're a bold old man?

1:57:10Yeah, kind of, but it just looked so weird. It just made him look mental. Just squished your face up. And then you put a beard on top. It looks horrible. Very funny for us. I like it. Very funny for us. I like old man in a rock and roll band. This is good. Maybe at the end of this, we'll see if we can find a pair of titles. Yeah, yeah. I could do it for the photo. I've got to do a photo afterwards.

1:57:34You and Will have got to bring the sketch group back, Ed. I'm an old man rocking in a band. I'm an old man rocking in a heavy metal band. With one guest, there was an anecdote we definitely wanted to hear. Let's hear from Johnny Pelham and the Blazing Bangladeshis. Did you ever go to the restaurant with your gang? With my gang? That you were in? I was in a gang at school called the Blazing Bangladeshis. It was just me and five Bangladeshi lads. And it was very fun. I was just, as soon as I knew you were coming in, I was like, I can't wait to ask him about his gang. We love the gang so much. Again, I imagine you just like, wait up, guys.

1:58:18Blazing Bangladeshis. I was like the lawyer. Was it ever acknowledged that you were white in the Blazing Bangladeshis? Well, look, let me know. I'd imagine day one it might have been. well I think I was an honor and that was part of the joy for me because I got included in this group because I went to pretty much an all Asian school like I was the only white boy in my class so that's why I had to psychoanalyze people stack, get some get some rec, like you don't want to mess with him it'll make you question your very existence and the thing was a lot of white kids got bullied and I think subconsciously I looked at them and thought I don't want that so instead I just became the most Asian boy I could be straight into a gang with them yeah I knew how to swear at people's mums in Bangladeshi yeah I knew all sorts I was really it was a great time and what's crazy is it was only when I went to university I was like yeah yeah I was in a gang obviously I was in a gang in Bangladeshi lads but people I realised how weird it was yeah sure it's not everyone's lived experience yeah yeah I was like yeah yeah I mean you know what it's like on Friday everyone goes to mosque you have to play alone

1:59:30how did you get in the gang did they invite you or did you like well initially it was a five it was a five side football tournament yeah I was a goalkeeper again that's a position you get if you don't want to be bullied I was quite a good goalkeeper which is the ultimate like look guys I can fulfil a role no one wants to do so I was quite a good goalkeeper they were like we need a goalie and then we we did quite well we got to the final and that is a bonding experience I mean I play a lot of football manager I don't know how important team morale is if we're going to win this competition next year we need a gang and they all agreed I mean there was a time where were you there for the naming of the gang yeah yeah yeah I was a founding member yeah whether no one said let's call ourselves the blazing Bangladeshis did no one look at you or you put your hand up and go will that work for the whole gang I can't remember I think there was a decent chance that I was the one who said why don't we call ourselves we're all the same right yeah little pause okay Johnny we can call ourselves that but people won't when you're not with us people won't assume you're in the gang it's the only problem for you I would say no one suggested the blazing Bangladeshis and Johnny you know what I mean I think I was I was in the core group there were people who were like more satellite gang members they must have been livid yeah especially if they were Bangladeshi, right?

2:00:55Yeah, they'd be like, who the fuck? How is he so prominent in this? Yeah. And then look at me, I'd swear at their mum in Bangladeshi, and then go, he deserves to be here. Yeah, yeah. He's putting more work than us. He's putting more work. Cuss out my mum. It's like someone in the Mafia who's not Italian. He's done some stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like an Irish guy in the Mafia. Yeah. Joe Irish. That's his name. Joe Irish is in the Mafia. They sound a bit like saltfish fritters, like Caribbean cuisine. or it's like dumplings, deep fried, salt fish, fish running through them. But they're not like Johnny Cakes?

2:01:32No, they're not like Johnny Cakes. Just to be clear. What are Johnny Cakes? What are Johnny Cakes again? I thought they're nothing to do with me. No, nothing to do with you. Well, that was a cake. I'm not a cake, though. Yeah, you might pick cakes for your dessert. They're like sort of flatbread batter type things, like dumplings sort of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to eat a Johnny Cake. Are you? Not doing this meal, though. not ginous meal no they're not the thing alright great yeah stay away from those normally look for the listener we never tell the guests what the secret ingredient is but I felt oh fuck we've led Johnny to this yeah there's no way I was going to say I'll have a Johnny cake I didn't know they existed to the extent I thought you were on the verge I thought we'd introduce you to what they are you said oh I'm going to eat one and I was like if the next sentence was yeah fuck it why don't I put one on the menu and then we go get out that is unacceptable that would not stand up in a also when Johnny found that out he moved backwards but he's had to move the microphone closer to him because he rolled his chair backwards I think I realise what a treacherous group it does sound a bit like a Johnny cake doesn't it, what's one of them oh wow, you'd like those why don't you try one now I like that you thought how can we get Johnny to say something he'll probably say his name he'll probably say his own name and if he follows that with cake I would like a Johnny cake, please.

2:02:58And some Johnny Percoras. Every single food you say your name after yourself. Johnny Carbonara. Johnny Carbonara sounds like quite the character. Well, he's in the Mafia with Irish Joe, isn't he? He's trying to get in the blaze among the last few. We're not letting him in. Go away, Johnny Carbonara. Come on, guys. I love living in bread. Put me on the wing. I'm good at throw-ins. I can play soccer. I'm Johnny Carbonara. It's a good character, isn't it? Yeah, I love that. I think you can make that into a sketch, Johnny Carbonara. Johnny Carbonara, yeah. Make it into one of my sketches, I do. Yeah, yeah.

2:03:35Yeah, we'll do many sketches. Do you want to interview Johnny Carbonara for the Blazing Bangladeshis? Trying to get in the gag? What bit of Bangladesh do you feel most proud of? Oh my God, I just love Bangladesh, you know? I love the cuisine, I love the people I just feel Bangladeshi at heart I'm Johnny Kavanagh You're in You're welcome addition to the gang Fantastic To be honest it was quite easy to get in the gang We were actually recruiting People were leaving This isn't the social It doesn't help me socially as I imagine it was It doesn't help to that It just allows the bully to know the group to bully now Yeah okay great There he is was there ever a situation where so many Bangladeshis had left you had to recruit more white people and then it was a fully white gang called the Blazing Bangladeshis that would have been amazing like a kind of atomic kitten situation sugar babes sugar babes sorry you said sugar babes you should almost anger that sugar babes you should have material about it next imagine if once sugar babes replaced themselves with members of atomic kitten and it turned into atomic yeah but they're still called the sugar babes yeah that would have been the most confusing imagine if sugar babes changed the name to blazing bangladesh that would be confusing there's a chance I could make some money from that that would be quite the news story sorry this guy he owns the name blazing bangladesh and now he's taking the sugar babes I think you'd be a villain on the internet if you tried to sue someone for using the name blazing bangladesh you just have to take the money in room Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2:05:17This is why people make money. This is why people make money. This is why people sue Atomic Kern.

2:05:30We're getting deep into the best of episode now, and it's time to bring out the X-rated stuff. This podcast turns into filth more often than we're proud of. Let's go below the belt with Will Sharp, self-esteem, and Julian Clary. Surprise, surprise.

2:05:47was it hard on the holiday to like enjoy uh all the little fish um with the nagging doubt that your wife had slept with your friend what because he was just suspicious and you were certain that your wife had slept with your friend in the hotel so you couldn't really enjoy the fish yeah i was eating the you know in a really contemplative angry way yeah it's just like well what was the fish is wrong i don't know betrayal i think you should have warned all your friends you were going to tug yourself off in that show man i was so excited for you that you were in it and then i'd pop it on enjoying myself and then i'm like oh i did not need to see that no apologies for the group email just as a heads up i'm gonna tuck myself off in this show i'm really gonna go to town on myself i know i haven't spoken to many of you for some years but just as a heads up i'm gonna tuck myself off in this show just in case you're gonna watch it Lying on your side?

2:06:44Oh yeah, lying on your side, tugging yourself up. You could have put that in, the men who aren't usual. Yeah, you could put that in. Who lies on their side? Like a painting. Yeah, like a painting. Luckily, this is the first time Will and I have met, so when I saw that, I was just like, this is brilliant. Yeah, yeah, you loved it. I didn't know you, so I was like, go for it, go on lad. Go on lad. Go on lad. Yeah, that's what I said when I was watching that scene. You've never said that, have you? Out loud when I was watching that scene. Go on, lad. I keep getting served a video on YouTube Shorts of, it's like a ring camera doorbell thing.

2:07:22Oh, yeah. Of an old Jehovah's Witness ringing the doorbell. And from like Yorkshire. He's like, oh, it's Jehovah's Witness. And the guy on the other end of the doorbell goes, just having a wank at the moment, mate. And the guy pauses and then goes, all right, good lad.

2:07:42So many times I've watched that. Amazing. Yeah. You're from Yorkshire? No, I'm not. No, I'm not. Yeah, you are. I saw a film, you were from Yorkshire. Oh, yeah. From Yorkshire in Real Pain. Oh, yeah. Sheffield. You can't deny it. See, this is the sort of interview style that we need to talk about. What? Where you... He was talking to me about this before you got here. Where we have actors on, and then you go, you're in that. Yeah. And they go, yeah. And then you don't follow it up with anything. Why should I have to? it's good segues though he's spotting he knows more about he knows more about the links are perfect but there's never a question I've teed him up teed him up okay here's the thing about that film I think the funniest line in that film genuinely is when you say thank you David oh thank you I think it's so funny thank you I went to I went to a screening of that film where Jesse Eisenberg did a Q &A afterwards and talked about you at length and how much he likes you and then he said that that line was improvised and it blew my mind.

2:08:40Was it improvised? It was kind of improvised. It was like, basically the joke was built into the scene that I give Kieran Culkin's character a much more heartfelt goodbye and it wasn't scripted that I said anything to Jesse, which I thought was a bit weird. So I just thought that I should probably do not very much so that the joke still carries. So like the joke was in the scene and it was also, I think it was the last, we're really running out of time and so it was like, we only have time to do one take of this. So it was like, well, shoot your shot, I guess. and I think afterwards he was like that was so funny I don't think it will make it in the film because it's too silly oh really but he sort of came around I've not seen it yet but I've just checked now because I can check with you now do you tug yourself off in it I don't no because it's all about like a holocaust tour yeah yeah yeah he's there he's a tour guide he's in a professional capacity yeah yeah there's absolutely no way yeah no time no time to tug yourself off no no no even if you improvised it I suppose that's probably not going to make it yeah I don't think that yeah that will make it in well thank you I did gotta shoot my shot yeah your dream sides in there or is your dream side something different oh no dream sides he's panicked oh god I didn't I'll tell you what oh there's too many speaking of sides we know what this guy likes to do in his side remember when you tugged yourself off Aubrey Plaza caught you yeah I do remember she caught you man she caught you that must have been embarrassing did they tell you that was going to happen yeah it was in a script what I remember about that was going into it I remember thinking this is going to be so funny it's such a funny scene I mean I guess for you guys it was funny as we were sort of rehearsing it was like just play it completely straight yeah and so then suddenly you feel really vulnerable yeah yeah of course but I think it did make it better it basically made it like a tensor but going in I was like oh it's going to be so fun and then it was like oh it's just really like tense and uncomfortable it must have been horrible to film it I mean it's really funny because you're playing it straight yeah because then it's more believable but like yeah I would have been I imagine in the moment it would have been way easier for you just to you know there are some takes play it silly yeah in the rushes where when she catches me I'm doing full like Mr Bean tumbles off the bed and like and then sort of like standing up yeah on the side like kind of trying to recover from it and yeah and sort of you know stuttering about porn and and he was like I don't I don't need that I think he could just kind of be caught we've got that now he could just be caught doing it and just kind of was that was that as yeah basically was that as embarrassing receiving a note like that when you've gone that big as getting caught wanking.

2:11:37No, it was all right. It was part of the process, isn't it? But no, it was like, fair play. Yeah, that is better.

2:11:46The thing is about, like, as you get older, your tongue dies, right? Huh? Have you not noticed? I didn't know that. Your tongue dies? I think so, because of all the, you know, the stiggies and dicks. like you your tongue needs taking me back to my Damien Rice days the sickies and dicks make your tongue die well don't you think and the booze and the so now I need a jalapeno and everything you know what I mean right I do add hot sauce to most things I'd say because our tongues are dying because we were born in the 80s and the sickies and the dicks where was I so your tongue dies as you get older So things like lime pickles start to get really fucking nice.

2:12:34Because your tongue's dead and it couldn't handle it before. Yeah, and now it's like... Is your tongue one of the things that keeps growing when you're older as well? You know, like, is it your ears and your... You're asking the wrong person in this room. Is anyone a doctor? I don't think it's your tongue. I don't think you need to ask a doctor. I don't think old people have really long tongues. Do they? But the ears grow, right? Yeah, your ears and your nose, I think. Ears and nose, but not your tongue. That would be great. Oh, your nose grown will be lovely. Yeah, and once my nose is a grown-up size...

2:13:06My ears and my nose are absolutely tiny. Oh, yeah, your ears as well. If I have... If I have any glasses, I'm fucked. Then I'm not going to stay on my face. Hopefully you'll be old enough to, you know, you can just keep them in place with your tongue.

2:13:26sorry i've got to read this

2:13:31really good stuff you're ever so good you two you're ever so good because i hate comedians thank you for doing the podcast what comedians do you hate

2:13:47list a few i've had sex with so many of them Have you? Well, that would lead me to believe you love comedians. Yeah. No. No, no. So, what is it next? My starter? I haven't heard much. I would have thought I'd have heard more gossip about that if you've been sleeping with loads of comedians. Am I not in the cool gossip circles? James, of course we're not in the cool gossip circles. Why don't people tell us when they sleep in pop stars? People, for a long time, a lot of people were invested in my love life, and I've had more than one text message saying, you should go out with James A. Castor. That's the answer to everyone's problems.

2:14:27There's only one of me to go around, unfortunately. I'm spoken for. No, you know, I wasn't thrilled to get the text message.

2:14:39More than once at a time in my life, people were like, because no one's funny, do you know what I mean? And then people go, oh, do you know who's funny? And got, like, you know, it's breathing. money money money and his breathing how much this set cost i don't know but ito put on the screen how much the set cost while we're waiting for that mildred's have started doing a lime pickle slaw and um i wasn't you know i was a big fan of mildred's and they went chain and it got less good but some bits are still good this lime pickle slaw they've just introduced is outstanding next level i absolutely love it and i just think i should shout it out while we're talking about lime pickle because they're excited about it.

2:15:19I thought about saying a few things I like. Oh my God. 15k, are you shitting me? Are you fucking shitting? Get rid of it now. We're not making any money on this shit. 15k. That's what it's like being a pop star. I'm fine. What were you just saying? Lime pickle slaw. Shouting out stuff you want for free. Yeah, yeah. I like yard sale pizza. Yeah. Loads. I'm not going to, it's not on my menu. No, shout them out. Let's shout the free stuff. Marks and Spencer's food hall. Yeah, great. Food hall. Really good. There's one open near where I'm living, and it's truly become our plans. Yeah. That's what we're going to do today, go to M &S food hall.

2:16:09What's your favourite thing in the M &S food hall? So, the orange cordial. Have you fucked with that? No, I've not fucked with the M &S orange cordial. But it's so bad. I go through it really quickly. Yeah. How many wee-wees? How many wee-wees? You can't ask this every time. And I've got one of them big, you know, flasks to hydrate because I'm always trying to be more healthy than I am and I fill it with the orange cordial from M &S, which is counterintuitive. I think people have taken hydration too far these days. Tell me more, because I'm fed up of it. It wasn't... It was never... I'd say last ten years, like, people are like, you've got to hydrate, you've got to have a massive flask with you all the time.

2:16:57If ten years ago, people were drinking less water and they weren't walking around like big crisps or anything, were they? My mum's never drank water and she's still alive, so... My parents look awful.

2:17:11What age were you? What? Did you say your parents divorced? No. Oh. I said they look awful. Oh. But you thought I said divorced and you were laughing your head off.

2:17:26Your dream starter, Julian. Yes. I've a choice of two. Is that all right? Yes, let's say both of them. We can try and narrow you down on it. Well, the first one, I used to live in the same village in Kent as Paula Grady. and he used to invite me over for dinner and I went over one... LAUGHTER ..making up their own jokes now. I think it's cos you're quite cokeshily rubbing the inside of your thigh. Yeah. I didn't even know I was doing that. Sort of self-comfort, I think, yeah. That's not something the osteopath told you to do. No. Excuse me. LAUGHTER So I went round to Halloween, it was, and there was a selection of people, his manager and my husband and Paul's sister Vera.

2:18:20Anyway, he served us pumpkin soup, and the next thing I knew, I woke up in a field.

2:18:30Surrounded by sheep. And that soup was enhanced. Something I put in. And he denied it, you know, the next day, because I had no memory of the entire evening. But something was put in that soup, but it was very Moorish. So that's one choice. Yes, the laced soup. The laced soup, yes. Enhanced pumpkin soup. Yes. The other choice is, have you heard of a cheese called Deux de Montagne? No. Well, I haven't until about... It's a Spike Lee film. What?

2:19:10you said have you heard of a cheese called du de mentin and I said I think that's a Spike Lee film because there's a Spike Lee film called do the right thing as I was saying it I was like he can't even hear you James why are you going for a pun that barely works that also requires knowledge of Spike Lee filmography well it was worth a try

2:19:46these things it can be edited out it won't be not now Duda Montagna yes a couple of years ago I was I was invited to play the part of Herod in the Jesus Christ superstar musical. It's a great part, Herod. You're only on stage for three minutes and 20 seconds. Although, from the back of the stalls, some people thought I was Imelda Staunton.

2:20:20But there's a lot of sitting around in your dressing room, wiping down surfaces, you know, waiting for your three minutes. And my hobby when I was on tour was to go round wherever I found myself to Marks and Spencers because you know they're different in each town or city and I was in Manchester we were in Manchester and I was in Marks and Spencers um collecting my bits and bobs vegetarian lasagna pop tarts for afters I don't care who knows it and I made my way to the till and I don't this will surprise you I don't go for the shortest queue I go for the most interesting looking woman on the till.

2:21:06And I found this marvelous looking woman with dirty fingernails and tattoos up her neck. I thought, oh, yes. She'll be good to chat to. And the man in front of me in the queue was very elderly, probably in his 90s. I mean, it's Manchester, so you can't really tell. He was quite doddery, and he was getting his bits and bobs out and I thought, shall I offer to help? And I thought, no.

2:21:41It'll give him a sense of achievement. Anyway, he did what he had to do, took a while, and they put it into his little string bag and tottered off. And then it was my turn. And I was so busy talking to this woman who was telling me how she'd slashed her husband with a Stanley knife. and you fucking deserved it. Speak to me like that, you bastard. And I wasn't really paying much attention. I put my items into my Louis Vuitton shopping bag. And I got back to my digs, put them on the draining board. What do you think? There was an item there that I hadn't paid for. This old boy had left this Dieu de Montagne cheese behind.

2:22:26and I'd put it in with my shopping. I felt terrible. But I wolfed that cheese down. In one sitting and it was delicious. So to get to the point, you could deep fry du de Montagna cheese. So that's my other alternative. Amazing. Would you like that cheese in the dream menu to have been stolen from a 90-year-old man? No, that's just how I discovered it. I mean, God bless him. If he hadn't left it behind, I would never have discovered. It's lovely. It's got a sort of nutty flavour.

2:23:07Creamy and nutty. It slips down, James. You'll thank me for that. You try it. So if you had it deep fried before, did you deep fry it the first time you had it? No, I've never had it deep fried. But you're just imagining. That's how I might enhance it. Because you do that in restaurants. They deep fry cheese. Yeah. I think they cover it in breadcrumbs or something. And you get a little... What is it you have with cheese? That sort of fruity compote. A coulee?

2:23:40Security.

2:23:50I don't know. I'm paralysed here. A chutney? A chutney sort of thing? Oh, where's mine? Oh, just in a can. Wait, could you open that for me? Times I've said that. Yes, that's open. Is it?

2:24:08How'd you drink it then? It's already open. There's a little bit there. It does not surprise me, Julian, that Julian Clary's never drunk anything from a can before. I've had those bottles with a sort of nipple. Yeah. So which are you thinking of going for? You've got the enhanced pumpkin soup. Yeah. You've got the deep fried Duda Montagna. Well, the trouble is, if you have that soup, you never get on to anything else. Yeah. Sort of game over. Yeah. As I recall. So I'd go for the old man's cheese.

2:24:48And if innuendo and tugging yourself off wasn't lowbrow enough, here's our annual section of toilet humour. Yes, this podcast talks about shit and piss more often than we're proud of. Here's George Egg, Bridget Christie, Mo Gilligan, Stacey Dooley, Marion Keys, David Tennant, Ian Smith, Elle Fanning and John Kearns. Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread, George Egg? Poblobs or bread? Do you know what? I knew it was coming. An announcement before you answer. An announcement. Yeah. How many episodes of this podcast have we done now, Benito? 260 something. That's the first time I've shouted poppadoms or bread, and it's made me fart.

2:25:22Oh, wow.

2:25:26Maybe it's the thought of the sausages. As I shouted bread, I did a fart. And it was forced out by me shouting and doing them. The first time you said bread or the second time? Oh, yeah, the first time. but you still went in just as hard the second time. Yes, because I was trying to, I was so worried that maybe people had heard the fart. I thought, just keep on going. Were you not worried that if you pushed even harder, you might squeeze the sausage out your thermos? Maybe. Maybe. I was hoping the neck would be too small. And it wouldn't come out. So there you go. It's the first of the podcast.

2:26:06It is first. All these times of shouting pop-doms or bread, but that was the first time. It's a modest-sized room, this, as well. Yeah, let's hope he doesn't smell the pot sausages by the end. We'll see. Pop-doms or bread, George-Ock? Well, here's the thing. I think you know what I'm going to say. Well, I guess you're going to say bread, or you've got a hack where you've got both of them. No, I'm going to say bread because... Where was the... In fact, I think the last time... I saw you on your birthday making bread. Yeah. Should I say where? Yeah. E5 Bakehouse. E5 Bakehouse having a for your birthday, someone who got it for you for your birthday My daughter who works at E5 at the time of recording you never know what she might have done between now and then, yeah she's a baker and I said I would love to, because I love baking bread anyway obviously I love baking bread, of course I do and she said I'll organise you to do a stage which is, you know, when you go and basically chef for free in a food establishment so I went and got there early in the morning and we spent the day baking bread and James came in and came backstage I did, they let me in backstage, we were going to say happy birthday to George you could meet all the bread I met all the bread we tried to get you to have a go with the bread but you were bread shy, you were dough shy I wouldn't do it why not man my history with baking is not good I don't want to touch it Do you know, it is quite intimidating, the dough in E5, because the quantities are insane.

2:27:38Because East London is like sort of cockney gangster. It's all attitude. Yeah. You were doing a good job, man. You were doing a good job. I loved it. I absolutely loved it. I mean, before I started doing the cooking on stage shows, I had this real, because I was doing stand-up for years before that, kind of more conventional stand-up. I had this real thing where I thought, I'm going to stop doing stand-up altogether and I'm going to do something in the culinary world, like you know have a cafe or whatever something like that um and then i started doing the on-stage cooking and realized oh actually i can do both but i think i could work in a bakery i'd be happy going in every day doing the same thing it's meditative you feel like you're creating something uh of value you know it's not intense it's just yeah it's fantastic was there something about bread because that is such a staple food for so many people that making it feel sort of oh it's it's quite uh it's like integra isn't it yeah yeah is that the right word also it's only when i met your daughter that i realized your surname isn't actually egg yeah no because i i always assumed it was meg and then your daughter's called meg and i was like there's absolutely no way that is mad but that is the first time you thought the egg might not be george's real name i met a guy called paul foot but there's there are there are real eggs out there i i've had people find me on social media yeah and say i found another egg yeah they sound doing my family egg tree and so what's the particular type of bread you want then for your um because i know you're george egg you're not gonna just want bread in general well here's the thing so i want to give a shout out to i suppose honorable munchins that's what we say yeah uh to white sliced bread with margarine and cress and i tell you why that is because when i was in nursery school we grew cress yeah yeah yeah as we all do yeah and i will never forget the sensation of having and we when we finished growing it took a week or so and then we cut it down and we had white bread and it would have been margarine thickly spread and then we cut the put the cress in and just the sensation of having that it's just you know it's the ratatouille you know critic that's very nice moment but that's not the bread i'm choosing i'm choosing e5 bread because it's such incredibly good bread and because i've been there and i've made it and my daughter makes it and you know it's great bread i know it's great i know it's great i mean they featured on my first dream menu i did here i think my side dish was the roast carrots there when i came and met you backstage I also met the person who made the carrots.

2:30:13Wow. Did you talk to the carrot person? Yes, I talked to them. I said, thank you so much. I said, will we, because, you know, for those people who don't know E5, the menu changes every day. It's a different lunch every day. So, you know, I very prophetically went, will we be seeing those carrots again anytime soon? Well, you never know. James's life is going to restaurants and asking people who work there, when is a menu item coming back? But that is the worst, though, isn't it? It's that thing of when things, here's something I want them to bring back. I don't like Mortloaf, Serene Mortloaf. There is a thing you can do, there's a recipe in the book where you microwave it and add butter and then it turns almost into like kind of sort of sticky toffee pudding.

2:30:50It's amazing. But briefly, Serene did like a cereal bar called the Go Bar. Stop doing it. It's gone. Can't get it anymore. But you loved it. It was just, it was so good. It was kind of Maltese Sereney, but it was like a flapjack and it was just, it was heavenly. But if you met the people from Serene, would you go, please bring back the go bar? Oh, I really would. Do you know what I've thought? I've actually thought about writing to them. Of course you have. How do you think the people at Serene would apologise to you? Well, I... Oh.

2:31:26If they just went, we apologise. You'd be like, fucking hell, guys. He's right there. We are multi-sorry. Come on. I went to the French in Manchester recently, which I've shouted out on the podcast before. I love it. And their bread changes pretty regularly. They get it from Pullen Bakery in Manchester, and they did a malt loaf sourdough hybrid, and it was so good with beer butter. Oh, wow. Beer butter? Yeah. Wow. Or beef butter, actually. Actually, as I said, beer butter, So I was like, that's not right. Is there anything you'd like to talk about, apart from the room itself, that we can just talk about that for a bit?

2:32:14Well, something has come up, which is that I thought my guts had exploded two weeks ago. Honest to God, I was sat watching telly. I was like, oh, I think I need the toilet. Oh, no, because this is a food podcast. No, I'll just tell you anyway, because it's just happened. So I thought either my appendix has burst or my guts have exploded. Either way, this isn't good. And I've had two children and what was happening to me was worse than contractions. Oh God. So I went to the downstairs toilet. My son was upstairs revising for his A-levels, didn't want to worry him. But I thought, you know, I've got quite a high pain threshold.

2:33:00But I was on the floor in the toilet for half an hour. Guess what it was? What? I didn't know what it was. It was a kidney stone. Yeah. I was going to guess that. That was going to be my first guess. Yeah. Because my wife's had those. Oh my God. Were you with her when she had the thing? Yeah, it was awful. It was absolutely horrendous. Yeah. Honestly, it was worse than having, maybe not my first child, but it was worse than having my second child, who was quite small when she was born. Well, she was bigger than a kidney stone. but the pain of this was absolutely off the charts. Did you go to the hospital?

2:33:37Yeah and they did a scan and they said yeah it's less than 5mm so... You've just got to pass it. But why leave it in there though? Anyway that's not the thing that I was going to say. Oh okay. When you passed it did you have a nice cup of tea and some toast? No it's still in there. Like when you gave birth? It's in there. I haven't passed it. When you do, will you have a nice cup of tea and some toast like when you gave birth? Oh, no. I will keep it, though. But I did say to the doctor, will I know when I've passed it? And he said some people do and some people don't. Yeah. But wouldn't it make a dropping sound?

2:34:11Depends on how big is it. Four millimetres. Four millimetres. I'm not sure if that would make a dropping sound. I'm not sure. Depends how dense it is. Yeah. There's calcium, isn't it? Yeah. But the other thing is that I also have thought that I've had a hernia for about five years. No one can get to the bottom of it. I have this thing that appears and disappears. What, just like a bump? No, it's like a long... Can you take things out of this? The only way I can describe it is just in front of my right hip. It's like a big erection.

2:34:49I hope you weren't asking Ben to take things out of this because you want that taken out of it. Yeah, I mean, that's staying in. No, that's very unpleasant. Anyway, I've gone... I think that has to stay in the edit. Yes. budget. Well, there's people, so it comes and goes, but that's the end way I can describe it like that long and that sort of shape. Anyway, so I've been to see loads of different doctors and consultants, went to a gastroenterologist who did the other weird scan where you have to get your blood injected with this weird stuff so it shows up everything. Is that an ultrasound or something?

2:35:18An MRI? Was it an MRI? MRI, yeah. So, I had that and then he called me and I remember I was on the, I was at Euston, I was on tour and outside the front of Euston there's the big concourse area, is that a word? Anyway, he called me and he said, well, I can't find a hernia, but two things, you've got a slip disc and you're retaining shit. And I said... That's how he worded it. That's how he worded it. And then I laughed out loud and I said doctor are you telling me that I'm full of shit right and he said in 30 years of practice or something no patient has ever said that to me when I've said that to them and I said well I don't believe you I think you're full of shit yeah and then he laughed and then we had a bit of a giggle about it and I said so is the erection is that what did you call it that to him You called it the erection.

2:36:18You said, is the erection full of shit? Do I have... Is this big erection full of shit? Do I have an erection on my body that is made of shit? I don't think I want this to go. That's a shame. That's a huge shame. Just for the listener, if you are hearing this, it's because Bridget said it was okay for it to go out. Well, I mean, I can't describe it in any other... But I haven't had that poo erection, should we call it? Yeah.

2:36:53We shall. Yeah, we shall call it that. Yeah, we will have to call it that. I mean, there's no other word for it. Has he seen this before, the doctor? I don't think he had it described in those terms. So the thing that keeps appearing, is that just one, is it like one big poo? I don't know what it is. But I haven't had one for ages. but I'm still going to the toilet you're still going to the toilet but you haven't seen the poo erection for a while

2:37:27we barely start

2:37:32people won't be eating will they? no they don't eat while they're listening to this we talked about not specifically that but we talked about fecal matters You know, people put out shows about their trauma and childhoods. I don't want to be Bridget Christie, the poo erection person. I don't want people to... Turd boner. The turd boner. I don't want, you know, people to come and see me with that. Because of that. I don't think you need to worry about increasing ticket sales if this gets out into the world. I can't be the only person that this has happened to though, right? No, I think there must be people listening who've had...

2:38:16Who will go, I've got a poo erection. But that's the thing, is that not enough people do talk about these things publicly, it can be embarrassing. Yeah. And you're doing a great service to people, coming out publicly and saying, I sometimes, in my body, have a poo erection. And other people who think they're the only ones will feel less alone and less weird. And we'll be like, oh, Bridget Christie, who's this iconic comedian. And already known for lots of things. So it's not like the poo erection would supersede any of your previous creative work. It won't come to define you. You just have an erection that is made completely of poo that comes and goes sometimes on your body.

2:39:03What might happen is a doctor might get in touch and say it isn't feces. yeah so it's the muscles contracting it sounds more in a tube shape more muscular to me yes it would seem unusual if it was just a whole poo that was still in your body occasionally pushing itself to the surface of your skin and especially when it's the front yeah from what you describe it's the front of your body it's just by my hip so it would have to like make the journey round from the back to there and surely at some point well i was thinking it was if it was poo yeah you would see it move around you know i would i don't think anyone was thinking it was a poo that was like recued up ready to go have you seen the substance when that bit of chicken moves around no i've not seen the substance yeah i've seen it's like um i didn't think that quite made sense i don't think i really know much about your food habits if you're much of a foodie oh i'm a massive I love food, man.

2:40:04Yeah, yeah, yeah. To the point where like now I've lost a bit of weight and everyone's like, bro, what's going on? You lost weight. I was like, bro, I was eating, bro. I was just eating all the time. But yeah, I'm a big foodie, man. I like my food. I would say for a palate, I pretty much eat anything you can buy like in an actual supermarket, a proper one, I'd probably eat it. Like any of those weird things, you know how people eat like crickets and stuff like that and like funky stuff. I'm out. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm out. but I do like to try a thing first do you know what I mean like I remember trying steak tartare once but I do this thing where I pretend like I know what I'm eating so the first time I had oysters I remember like sitting down and you know like everyone's sitting and they're putting their stuff and it's like do you have oysters?

2:40:45and I'm like yeah and I'm like do I get a spoon and scoop this out? what? and then like I kind of watch what people do but I pretend like I know what I'm doing but I do like oysters now I do like oysters same with steak tartare I didn't know what it was I was a bit like what is this and then when I had it I was like yeah But now I think I do that thing where after a while when you start eating, you know, like I just get turned off by the look of the food or the texture. So I just don't really like steak tartana because when I see it, it looks like sick. Do you know what I mean? It looks like glamorized sick.

2:41:16Glamorized sick. Yeah. Cause sometimes I see it and it looks really nice, but I know. So I think of my stomach now. Yeah. I've got one of them stomachs that tell me like, bro, we don't eat this. Yeah. And then my stomach will let me know. Cause by two hours I'll be on the toilet. Just beatboxing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got one of those stomachs, man. So, yeah. But I am a foodie. I'm a massive foodie, man. I was saying it earlier that I think I've got one of those stomachs and I've just got to start listening to it because I don't listen to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll just go well. You like beatboxing though, right?

2:41:46So you like the sound when it goes wrong. Yeah. James records it, puts it on an album. Got acoustics in my bathroom, actually. But it lets you know everything's out. That's what I like about it. It lets you know it's all out. Do you see what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. It sounds like raw, but it lets you know, like, that all came out in one go, one blast, there's no fucking around. Unless you get another contraction and then you're like, oh, we've got one more to go. Then it lets you know that your stomach is actually clean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The older you get, the real, how you know your body. Like, you know, like, you guys have had this.

2:42:19You've definitely eaten. So I had something recently at the beginning of the year and I was, I think I woke up out of my sleep. And I was like, oh my God, I feel good. and I knew I was like we're going to be on the toilet for an hour because me and my body know each other you woke me up sweating out of my sleep oh man I was beatboxing on that toilet bro yeah horrible stuff also I find that you can even pinpoint what the thing even if you've eaten a whole bunch of stuff and then later on it was that instinctively yes yeah yeah yeah 100 % I believe that too if you looked at all of the foods you'd eaten in 24 hours in a line up like a police line up you just know you can pick out the one that it was straight away and sometimes the food can look a little bit off or have a little bit of an off taste so you're like it was probably the parma ham that says like it's the Dubai you know like when it says it goes off in three months but you're like I shouldn't have really edited that I shouldn't have really followed that do you know what I mean it's like deodorant I know it lasts 24 hours but I still need to like wash it off and put the next one off do you know what I mean it's a lie that 24 hour deodorant's a fucking lie some of them 48 hour protection it's like that's too long why are you you must really surely 24 hours in if it's got to last 40 hours I'm a shower in between yeah you're just walking around and it's still doing its job that's incredible yeah there's someone out there that definitely gets their money's worth there's someone out there that puts it on and they're like oh 46 Barbara I'm getting 46 for 46 hours worth yeah and it hits 48 they go yeah I stink now yeah also we skimmed over it but definitely Ed putting all the food in the police line-up is like some weird fantasy you've had in the past what putting food in the police line-up and picking the one that gave me the shits and then kissing it you love food so much there's definitely a thing where you would love to be in a situation where they bring loads of delicious food out put it in the food in the line-up and you're like that one officer yeah that's true actually would I be behind the glass though in the two-way mirror do you know what a food line-up sounds like it sounds like you know ever see those pictures where they tell you as a kid not to eat junk food and they've got all your junk foods on the lineup of not what to eat like burgers fries and you've got the hot dog but they like got glasses on and shit like that yeah yeah it feels like mcdonald's mascots yeah yeah i don't remember this they've all got glasses on what the mcdonald's mascots so hang on what what are you talking about where all the food's got glasses no i mean like you know when they do lineups they always give them glasses like like to make them look bad you don't realize that no when they give like a hot dog they make you look bad so they'll give us some glasses and like a moustache like you can't picture it I can't remember that no it's like soon this guy he's a hot dog don't want to get him kids yeah he gets cellulite he's got glasses don't want to get him and if we've got glasses in the line up you're all coming out do you know what I mean I know I know what most yeah I know you do I just I wanted to be in the gang yeah I want to be in the gang then you end up in the line up yeah those pie shops are beautiful inside really beautiful all the tiling you know I think they're protected I think you're not allowed to change them is that right yeah because there's one in Walthamstow which is no longer a pie shop it's a Japanese restaurant but they can't change the interior oh fine you can go and have a nice Japanese meal but sat in an old pie shop and of course is that interesting is that interesting what I just said that's very interesting yeah if you ever said something and just felt like the most boring version of your dad possible that was me then was James and I not giving you a reaction yeah that's on us we should have reacted more thank you and thank you for admitting that yeah I mean definitely I'll tell you something along those lines the other day I was cleaning out the cat litter tray this is really interesting James see that yeah that's more the sort of thing I was after my cat had done a a shit in I guess in four parts four yeah okay four parts yeah four part shit yeah like it's a new TV series the four parts of the shit yeah and I was scooping them up and it's because it's flushable so I was directly in the toilet counting the trays next to the toilet bam bam bam fourth one scoop it up and I think to myself oh that's oh that's interesting that was the first bit of shit that came out of its butt because I was watching that so I realised that the last the last bit that I scooped up was the first bit that came out of its arse.

2:46:47And then I thought, my next thought was, I'm turning into my dad. Yeah. Yeah. I wouldn't say Stacey enjoyed that anecdote. Do you know, that's on me again though. I'm not massively into cats. I don't really like cats. It was the cat bit that put you off that story. That's the bit that puts you off the story. It wasn't the drawn out explanation of, you know, the shit. It was the fact that it was a cat. If it was a bloke who'd done those shits, I'd be really interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I bet that might. What's your cat called? I've got four. Have you, James? that's interesting yeah yeah yeah yeah that okay but that was Rue that was Rue in particular who don't know shits yeah Rue's a small one as well she's one of the smaller ones yeah so you love cats yeah I love them I'm so not so not into I know we're never gonna marry are we I guess not especially with Kevin in the way no no yeah I'm a cat guy as well yeah really fine I'm a cat guy okay one though I truly am not into cats even in the slightest that's a shame yeah I like dogs but it'd be irresponsible to get a dog at the minute the baby loves dogs she's into this cat actually as well that's down the roads and i always try and swerve it i just think go away the cat not my child what what do you like cats so much yeah they're sort of quite probably get cancelled because everyone loves cats but they're sort of quite contrary aren't they and they don't really need you and they bring mice in i'm like i've a massive phobia of mice pigeons and mice Pigeons and rodents.

2:48:13It's just a hard no. I actually had a mouse in my kitchen the other week and I genuinely contemplated moving out. You called your daughter Minnie. I thought, I know. You're actually, yeah. Yeah, but more like Minnie Driver. Right, okay. Yeah. Right, yeah. So I just think I wouldn't be able to. Weirdo, actually. I wouldn't be able to trust a cat not bringing a mouse into my house. well my cat's a house cat so has never met a mouse never left the house never left the house do you want to hear something nuts yeah sure I was in a film with Minnie Driver and I played a mouse stop that's not true James that is true you was in a film with Minnie Driver yeah you weren't in a scene with her were you no I wasn't in a scene with her you played a mouse we were in the same film what film Cinderella stop yeah yeah she's the queen I was a mouse who turns into a footman this is unbelievable John the mouse it is unbelievable isn't it I'm going to watch you on the way back.

2:49:10Amazon. James, that's amazing. Yeah, pretty amazing. That is. I mean, I knew you were like a high-flying comedian. Yeah, yeah. But you also asked. He's a film star as well. I'm a film star. He's in Ghostbusters. I'm in Ghostbusters. Stop this. Lars Pinfield is a parabiologist. James, you really are. Yeah. He's a superstar. Yeah. And I'll still scoop up my cat shit. You're still so real. Now, we're talking about books. Okay. now you're talking is the name of your podcast oh no no now you're asking fuck shit no it's fine fuck no no that's great because we can make a thing of it no I was really pleased with that segue I knew I was going to do it and I actually formulated it in my head now we're asking about books but now you're talking that's what I was you're asking no I've fucking fucked it do it again do it again do it again here's what you don't know as well Maren before you came in I messed up the intro loads like I was I messed up my words in the intro.

2:50:07So clearly something's happening in my brain today. No, I love you. I'm like that, you know. And look at how you berate yourself. No, no, no. You have to be nicer to yourself. We're all doing our best and you are brilliant. Your head moves so fast. You are so clever and so witty. And this is what happens sometimes. That like, when you're like that, just the words are all coming too fast. And it's like a bottleneck trying to get them through your brain and out through your mouth. And they just get mixed up. It's like people trying to leave a stadium with James, the words. Yes, that's exactly what it's like.

2:50:39It is exactly what it's like. Although, if you are me and you travel with the Irish team or, you know, when you go to see the Irish team like in Farnes, they lock us in till the local teams have left. Yes. Which is so mean because Irish football fans are delicious. You know, there was one place, where was it? Slovakia, which is on my list of like no fly zones forever and ever again. They locked us in for hours afterwards and then they left us leave. They let us leave and there was like men with machine guns watching us. We're like, excuse me, do you know who we are? We're Irish fans. They're treating you like you're English.

2:51:17I'm afraid so. I think they got us mixed up. So anyway, how did we get on to this? The bottleneck. Yes, the foot bottom. Yes, the bottleneck. And then before that, we got into that because of the Now You're Asking podcast. Very good. Yes, yes. Now You're Asking is a podcast that you're doing with Tara Flynn. Yes, do you know Tara? She's a comedian. We've never met Tara. No, never met Tara. Of course, I'm aware of Tara. Absolutely. I've heard her name many, many times. But tell us a bit about Now You're Asking. Okay, it's sort of, it's a problem show. So people write in with various kind of dilemmas.

2:51:53So to be like, I have just met a new fella and I am less young than I used to be. And what's the story with pubic hair? Like, for example, would be one of the questions. That's a lot in one question, isn't it? it's a lot of backstory in the question. I know, I think it kind of gets straight to the heart of the issue. Yeah. But then others would be like, how many minutes should a teabag be left in a cup before you have the perfect cup of tea? This kind of business. And what's the story with pubic hair? Do they all end with... And yeah, and also, yeah, P.S. Yeah, because that's what they really wanted to know, but they had to disguise it because they weren't as brave as the first person.

2:52:32Yeah. Yeah, things like that. So, and like, it's a mix of kind of fun stuff and really dark stuff. I mean, this poor woman wrote to us, I mean, she had been groomed by, I don't know what they're called in the Church of England, would be a vicar or a reverend or I don't know. Anyway, when she was a child and a teenager, she was groomed by their local, whatever he was, vicar man. and as soon as she was 16, like you waited until she was 16. And it's just, it's horrific. And she had never told anybody because her parents, her family were very into the church and to be trusted with her story. I mean, it was a huge privilege.

2:53:14So we're very, very careful and very aware of how vulnerable people are who write in. So it is a mix of the dark and the light. And Tara is very funny. she's also very very kind and we record it in my front room so it's very intimate and chatty and maybe you know the producer he's Steve Doherty and like he put me and Tara together and the whole thing you know sometimes something beautiful just lands in your lap like that's that so we've done four series now and we're hoping that we'll be asked to do a fifth one Well what would you if you had a question Ed that needed answered because we can do one now if you had something that you need in your life.

2:54:00What is the story with pubic hair? Oh, Ed. Not even giving the context like the first person did. No, I'm cutting to the heart of the issue. Come on, two sentences before. I don't think I have anything to ask. Ed's actual thing with pubic hair is that he does trim his pubes, but he lets them grow out to a point where he just says he looks like a woolly mammoth before he cuts them again. is there a way that ed can motivate himself to keep on top of it more that's a good question yes that's a very good question i treat don't ask me how i know that i treat it like a sheep yeah all right then so it's kind of seasonal seasonal yeah yeah well i mean you can't be shaving the sheep the whole time you know i mean there's nothing there exactly yeah yeah you know i would and i would do a job yeah i do a job lot yeah yeah that's exactly what i did yeah yeah but James is stressing this as an issue.

2:54:53Well, you've expressed it as an issue in the past. Well, I don't know whether, you know, it's difficult to know what's normal with that sort of thing, is it? Because people aren't as open as us three. You could ask somebody, not me. Not you. Yes. That's a great response to a question. Yes. You should ask somebody. Not me. We're moving on. Yeah. We have lots of questions for you, Marion, of course. But they're all food-based questions. It's rare we get to the pubes before the food. so hopefully when we ask you would you like still a sparkling water you don't say you should ask someone that not me not me also we're now in the dream restaurant and the last question you want to hear in the dream restaurant is what's the story with this pubic hair yeah that is true yes I don't want any pubic hair with my stiller sparkling water if that's okay of course that's fine I mean I know it's an added extra but yeah thank you thank you just let's keep it simple someone came to my house the other day a much older person and they left a pube on the toilet seat.

2:55:52And it was the biggest pube I'd ever seen. Lord God. Do your pubes get bigger when you get older? I don't know. Ask somebody, not me. Really, really long. He's long. But undeniably a pube. Are you sure? Yeah, 100%. Much older person. Much older person. How old? Like 70s. Yeah. Longest pubes I've ever seen.

2:56:18Do you have a favourite fizzy pop? and I'm setting you up here to like be destroyed by your countrymen if you say the wrong answer here. Yeah, well, I don't mind a bit of Iron Brew, which I think is where you're going. Yeah. But I do like a bit of Dr. Pepper. Yeah. I think I would probably, if I had to land on one, I'd land on Dr. Pepper. And that is also like a soft drink that people can't really pin down what it is, what flavour it is. No. Is it the same camp as Iron Brew? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, they're similar. I love a Dr. Pepper because no one's really having a daily Dr. Pepper, are they?

2:56:48It's something you remember exists when you're in a shop and you're like, I've not had Dr. Pepper for ages. Yeah, I suppose. And then it's a treat. Some people really loathe it. You get quite violent reactions. Some people react to Dr. Pepper in the way I react to dandelion and burdock. Or parma violets. Things that should not be put in a human's mouth. Yeah, I hate parma violets so much. Disgusting. My kids love them. Really? What is that about? Where have they got that from? Your kid's 90? Yeah. No, that's what it's like. It's like they've rediscovered them for a new generation. Is it big on TikTok?

2:57:21A Parma Violet's big on TikTok, maybe? Quite possibly, yeah. It could be someone popping Parma Violet's on TikTok. They're absolutely disgusting. They're horrible. Like little slivers of soap. Yeah, yeah. I remember getting some, the first time I had them were free with a Beano. Oh, yeah, they always gave them away with a Beano. Free with a Beano? Yeah, the Beano would have like sweet... Sellotape to the front. Yeah, so like, you know, but I was lulled in because, you know, I was having stuff like refreshers on the front of the Beano. Wambars. Yeah, wambars. It was brilliant. Palmer violets. Oh, what's this one?

2:57:55This one looks delicious. Well, wambars are the ones with the little fizzy bits inside. Yeah. Lost a tooth in a wambar. Yeah, great. Did you really? Yeah, yeah. I swallowed it because I thought it was one of those bits. Swallowed the tooth. Yeah, swallowed the tooth. Didn't realise until later. And did you have to make sure the tooth came out the other side? Or did you just forget? No, I didn't actually. It didn't even occur to me at that age. and luckily I didn't have parents who told me to if you want that from the tooth fairy you'll have to sift through your own faeces so you just missed the tooth fairy well he looks in the toilet one day and there's a quid in there yeah the tooth fairy doesn't mind getting dirty little shitty handprints you can get a quid you can get a quid but you do have to go through your own shit I think I'd probably get the quid later you're at least washing it aren't you?

2:58:42You're not popping it straight under the pillow. Oh, I hope not. Buy 10 Wham bars with that. And then you lose another 10 teeth. I mean, this is a money-making scheme. I don't mind sifting through my shit. By the end of it, I'm a millionaire, I think. Slow-cooked lamb. Yes. Oh, there you go. I want it to be slow-cooked. Yeah. If it takes days. Yeah. I guess you want it just at the point where there's a level of heat you could apply to lamb where it just would never cook. Yes. zero degrees yeah but even two degrees it probably wouldn't ever cook surely yeah yeah like um if it was just at room temperature yeah just leave it out yeah yeah and five days later that's lovely yeah yeah so but the longest you could that would be good wouldn't it if things cooked at room temperature yeah surely there's something that cooks at room temperature yeah fruit yeah that's what's happening to it yeah maybe a torch maybe if you put your iPhone torch on it for a couple of days, that's the slowest cooking you can possibly give it.

2:59:44Yeah, that's going to give you a carpal tunnel or something. Holding your torch over a lamb. Or whatever mystery, I'd probably have a mystery box of meat, so I don't know what meat is. Yeah, surprise, it's another little surprise dish, lamb surprise. Yeah, lamb surprise. Yeah. I had the slow-cooked lamb in New Zealand at Mudbrick Vineyard, and I got told off but in a, I'd say a light-hearted way for, I was quite drunk, complimenting the lamb too loudly and I think that's a sign of a good meal. You'd taken some tips from Lloyd Langford that you were shouting everything. What was your compliment?

3:00:23Who cooked this? How long has this been cooked for? Because the way you've said it there and at that volume, they sound like you're really unhappy with the lamb. Complaints, yeah. I think they knew I liked it. My tone was like, who cooked this? it was more like wow same tone you use when you shout beans on toast yeah yeah beans on toast who cooked this stuff like that I give a lot of good vibes to chefs but that's lovely why were you told off then by the staff or by someone on a nearby table by the staff I think people around were disconcerting yeah and maybe they were running low on lamb yeah maybe they hadn't ordered yet and don't over sell yeah yeah but it was oh my god it was nice falling apart how long do you think it had been cooked for?

3:01:10minimum, I think we're talking double digits do you? I think it was something like 12 hours it was something mad but I can't promise that do you? yeah, it was a long time if you'd ordered it and they were like oh we haven't put it on yet you'd be pissed off by the time you got it well you'd be like I'll see you tomorrow yeah, just come back tomorrow do you know what cut of lamb it was? I think it will have been somewhat like leg-based. It wasn't, I mean, by the time this thing had been cooked, it wasn't sliceable. Yeah. By any means. It wasn't a shank, though. It could have been. It could have been a shank.

3:01:46But it didn't come with a big bone sticking out the top of it. No, there wasn't a bone in it, as far as I remember. I drank a lot of wine at this point. Were you out with another comedian at this point? Was it another comic? The only time I got to go on a big holiday is when someone's paying for me to do that professionally. Yeah. There was a lot of comedians there. Finn Taylor Andrew Maxwell Alexis Dubus never confident with how to pronounce his surname oh evidently maybe Lloyd was that maybe Lloyd was that Lloyd again there as well but yeah I mean these are some you know you've got Finn there you've got Maxwell there these are some outspoken guys and you're getting told off yeah yeah like you must have been really speaking your mind throwing some opinions around the room if you're the one who's getting reprimanded yeah I mean Maxwell, Andrew Maxwell will tell you the history of whatever country you're in, in quite a lot of detail.

3:02:39I will compliment the food. You'll shout out who cooked this. Yeah. What did the lamb come with? And this doesn't have to be your dream side. I'm just interested in this specific lamb. Sure. So I want elements of this, but not everything. It came with a mad portion of a sort of hummusy dip. And then long carrots. that's the main thing I remember about these carrots is the sheer length of them yeah and then you had to get your potato dishes as a side you're screaming who grew these yeah who the hell grew these Mr McGregor who how long how long have these been grown I would say stuff like that long and thin long and thin yeah hmm what colour orange classic the classic but not the best carrot I've had was barely orange in a restaurant in Reykjavik called Scal got the carrots as a side fucking hell I've never had carrots this good in all my life yeah they were black to the eye yes they'd really been sort of roasted I tried to look up before doing this what they came with the menus changed I found a picture of them on Instagram it doesn't say anything it doesn't say anything just a picture of some carrots it says carrots it doesn't even say carrots no description but they I love a sort of roasted carrot in some kind of sauce I don't know and the one in Reykjavik was like were they long and thin as well no no Oh, and I preferred them dumpy, is what I would say.

3:04:04Black and dumpy. Yeah. That's how I would describe them. You want those with the lamb? I'd love to. The Reykjavik carrots. Yes. Get rid of the long, thin ones. Yeah. They were al dente, these ones. The Reykjavik ones, barely keeping themselves together. Yeah. So they'd been, like, properly slow-roasted as well, you think? Yeah. Everything about this, I want to be slow. Yeah. I completely agree with you with slow-roasted lamb. It's up there, meat-wise, I think. Yeah. Incredible. I love it. Dauphin Moir. That's pretty slow. Yeah, you can do that slow. It's not quick. No, it's not quick, is it? Well, it takes a while to make, I suppose.

3:04:38Do you slow roast lamb at home? Yeah, I'll have it anywhere. No, but is that something you'll do? Have you ever done that? Yeah, absolutely. I've just made it in the location. I'll have it anywhere. I'll have it on a train. What do you think the question was? Would you eat it? Would you have it at home? As in, like, if my mum had made slow-cooked lamb, would I have it? Yeah, let's just follow this. Is there anywhere that you wouldn't eat slow roast lamb? I don't think. Like funerals. You'd have that at the wake. At the wake, yeah, you wouldn't have it during, right? Yeah. You're not sorry for someone's loss if you're chewing.

3:05:14Well, if you're screaming who cooked this at the top of your voice, for sure, yeah. Oh, at the cremation.

3:05:21How long? How long has this been cooked for? Woo! Falling off the bone. Woo! falling off the back yeah funeral yeah train toilet that was my first thought of where I wouldn't eat slow rice lamb sure but I would if it's I'd have it on the the baby changing yeah toilet's your seat that's your table yeah would you put a tablecloth down or anything or yeah ideally yeah or I guess if you're if you're a parent an unused clean nappy an unused nappy yeah even though it's unused I'd find it hard it would be weird especially if there's no plate especially if you're eating slow cooked lamb directly out of an unused nappy on a baby changing table I'd say that would throw me yeah yeah it's not where I'd want it barely staying together it's weird though because you'd think someone eating off a nappy in a baby changing room would be like they're having a breakdown they're having a tough time but you wouldn't associate slow cooked lamb leg no with a mental collapse no I think it's the nappy that's doing the heavy lifting there yeah I think that changes the whole thing also it depends what brand and nappy right because if there's some nice jus and gravy in there a pampers is absorbing all of that yeah you want a cheap nappy if you're eating a roast you pour your gravy on and then you immediately go where's the gravy that sounds outrageous you're doing the thing at the end of the adverts where you squeeze You're squeezing it.

3:06:57It's all gravy. Trying to get the gravy out. But then you're squeezing that back out onto another nappy that you've put under there. I think directly into the mouth at this point. You cut your losses. Yeah. Yeah, don't bring another nappy into the situation. Let's not worry about your dignity at this point. You're already squeezing gravy out of a nappy. You might as well go straight into your mouth. Yeah. For American listeners, diapers. Diapers. Yes. Yes, your main course. Okay. Okay, we're going to do something from my grandmother's recipe book. and it is something called chicken divan. I don't know if you've ever heard of it.

3:07:28No. If you look it up, it is something that it's kind of, I don't know if it's Southern. I'm assuming it is almost like a take on like a curry, but like a Southern curry. So when I describe it, you're going to think it sounds so gross, but it is made with cream of mushroom, like soup. Oh, the soup goes in. Yeah, but like cream of mushroom in the can. Mayonnaise. Oh, my God. Yeah. I'm pretty sure we can say this is something. This has never been said on this show, Chicken Dye fan. No, no, no. Never. No, no, no. And curry powder, like bought in the store. It's like, you know, generic curry powder.

3:08:13Yeah, like yellow curry powder, I guess. I'm trying to think exactly, because I've actually never made it, but it is in that book. But it's a casserole. so you boil chicken you boil the chicken this gets better and better it is one of my favorite it's like so comfort for me I mean because it just makes me think of home because she would make it so much growing up and she's still like make chicken divan so then like the curry, the mayonnaise, the cream of mushroom all that's like mixed together that's put in a casserole dish with broccoli because can't guess the next one green into the next we're going to top it off so then the broccoli's in there it's like layering we're going to top it off with can we guess?

3:08:59can we have a guess? yeah have a guess well I mean we've already got mayonnaise and cream of mushroom soup but are we putting cheese on top of it? yeah we are oh I wasn't going to go so obvious what were you going to say? I was just going to say marshmallows yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah at this point who knows that could have been yeah yeah as well jello um yeah that could have been too no you like yellow cheddar cheese yes yeah yeah yeah so then that goes on it then you bake it in the oven and that cheese gets like really crispy like i like a it has to have a crisp layer on it and then the curry it's like a it doesn't taste like mayonnaise it just has that like consistency but i also i love mayonnaise and condiments and stuff like some people are like revolted by it but like i i more condiments the better like on anything for me but i mean this is a casserole but yeah and you and you have it with like white fluffy rice i mean i'm not selling it i'm not selling this but it also it's like if you look up chicken divan there's a lot of recipes for it people eat it i eat it as you were describing it it sounded like the sort of thing you'd see on diners drivings and dives yeah yeah don't you think like guy fieri would be going it doesn't look bad when you see it it's actually it's I can imagine it.

3:10:17It's colorful because you got the orange, you got the bright green of the, you know, of the broccoli. And then the chicken is like a nice yellow. So it's not like sloppy looking. It like looks nice. I think the bit that upset me the most was boil the chicken. Boil the chicken really upset me. Yeah. I think once the, I can, because I can imagine the soup, that's a quick way of doing something. You know, just put the soup in. I was even on board with the mayonnaise. Yeah. But boiling the chicken. I know because it's not, you don't, you're not trying to get a brown on the chicken or anything. You don't want that extra flavor.

3:10:52No. No. You don't. Because a lot of that's coming from the soup. Yeah. And it's the whole chicken. It's like chicken breasts. So you would just buy the chicken breast. They've got two of those. They've got two of those, okay. Two, yeah. Made with only chicken hearts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's chicken breasts. Yeah, and you kind of, does she shred it up? I don't know. Well, it's not really shredded. going to put in there i know i need to revisit i haven't had it in a little bit but then my sister the other day because i'm here in london in london she was in la and she said that gaba that's what i call my grandmother gaba she's like she made chicken die van the other night like oh i wish i was there i missed it yeah so i had me thinking i'm like i'll put it in my dream restaurant when people have like so here's something i respect we talked about this i didn't say here's You can't flag what you're going to say with his something, because now we're all expecting something.

3:11:47Yeah. But you're going to say something, right? He'll say something, but he said his something as if this is going to be good stuff. Good, right. I tend to use it when it's not good stuff. Okay. To try and like... Got it. But Elle doesn't know that. Yeah. Try and get it. So I was like, oh, so here comes something. I'm getting used to it now. Yeah, yeah. It's really nothing. Guests take a while to get used to James. But eventually they do. Not really by the end of the podcast, though. they usually on the way home they get to go oh i could probably do that podcast now put up with that guy can we do it again yeah yeah um i always respect when people use uh their you know they have a specific name for a grandparent that is like no one else would know that name it's based on someone not being able to say it when they were a kid or whatever that's what it is when they still just would say it to everyone else because when i was a kid at my school everyone called their grandmother Nan.

3:12:40Everyone would say my Nan. And I called mine Granny and felt like an idiot. Really? Did you get bullied for that? No, because I just said Nan at school. I was trying to blend in. I'd go, my Nan, and I remember, I have a distinct memory as a kid, of my mum picking me up and me talking to a kid in front of her about my Granny but saying, getting to the point where I'm like, oh my God, I've got to say Nan now and what she sells me out. what if she goes what did you just say yeah and then your mom is like nan he calls her granny yeah like a little like a little baby that's what I felt like so whenever anyone proper just goes with their own name which is like so specific to their family I'm like respect so self assured I wish I was that brave thank you that's a cool name though that's like an individual name for grandparents yeah I was just grandma grandpa nanny and granddad wow yeah yeah yeah solid solid did they decide it or did you because like i don't remember a moment where i decided it yeah and that's like family wide as well those names oh okay yeah because now like i have to remember like with my my nephews and stuff yeah different grandparents and different grandparents names change with like my parents are not known as the same thing to both sets of nephews and i've got to remember that and if i get them muddled up i get corrected big time oh wow this is like childhood trauma for you that's keeping the grandparents straight i don't know why they can't just cut it off after the parents yeah well why do we have grandparents to confuse everything their first names it should be we should know our grandparents by their first names yeah yeah yeah it'd be much easier because uncles and aunties yeah they're closer in age and we just call them by their names right you wouldn't call your uncle uncle no but i'd call them uncle like full name uncle billy but you wouldn't call uncle billy uncle billy to his face would you yeah hello uncle billy I used to when I was a little kid.

3:14:31Oh, what a loser. What a loser. Oh, Uncle Billy. Well, that's what I should have been self-conscious about. Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm saying that to everyone. I'm going to go and see my Uncle Billy this year. It's not Uncle Billy in the rhyme, is it? No, it's not. No, it's My Friend Billy. Yeah, it's My Friend Billy. Yeah. I'll just need to know that one. What's the rhyme? It was like a schoolyard... I apologise for this. A schoolyard rhyme that we all learned, and I don't know how these things spread because me and James went to school in completely different places in the UK. Oh, okay. But we all know my friend Billy had a 10-foot willy, etc.

3:15:07El, I'm sorry. Yeah. El, I'm just so sorry. I won't go through the whole... You didn't come here to hear that. I won't go through the whole rhyme, but it ends up being cut off with a rake by the girl next door. Oh, my God. She thought it was a snake. In her defense. There you go. In her defense, she thought it was a snake. She thought it was only two for four. Yeah, it's... And that is your uncle. Yeah. I can't believe it. Everyone thinks that's my uncle now. Yeah. And everyone expects him to be sad, but he's like, it's still two foot four, guys. Yeah, yeah. If anything, it's easier to manage.

3:15:39Yeah, exactly. She did him a favour. Yeah, yeah. God. Oh, Elle, I'm so sorry. I didn't grow up with any locks on the bathrooms or toilets in my house. Right. Really? Yeah. Why? I don't know. Did none of them work, or was it just they were removed and your parents were like... There weren't any locks. No locks at all? so how did you put your feet at the door hang on so you'd still have the door shut you'd be putting your feet at the door yeah the door shut I thought you were saying you grew up in a very free household oh no I'm just saying there's no locks in case you just I don't think there are any locks in any door front, back front door, back door locks windows yeah windows are locks yeah anything external but like inside the house no locks but then why were you having to push your foot I mean surely everyone in the house knows there's no locks you don't know if someone's in there yeah so you knock yeah I would get pretty accustomed to knocking and not just opening any closed door where someone could be having a shit knowing that but there's only one door where that's happening there's not any closed door so what are you in your bedroom do you have your feet on the door keeping it shut How small were the rooms in your house?

3:16:57Were they all built so you could small enough to put your feet on the door? The toilet, yeah. You could put your feet on the door. Like main bathroom? No. You're kind of just staring at it open for the best. But you are staring at it so that if they do come in you're looking right at them. Yeah, it was small enough where you'd know if someone had come in. Can't think of a room where you wouldn't know if someone had walked in. Did you ever do sock on the door handle? Sock on the door handle. Let him figure it out. Sock on the door handle. Right. I'm just picturing like a video game, me walking up the door with a sock on the door.

3:17:34Right, yeah, I think I know what's going on in there. Okay. Yeah, I'm not walking in, no. Yeah, if you see a sock on the door handle. Is there only one person in there? Well, yeah, I guess so. Talking about your bathroom and your childhood home. I'm not saying if you saw a sock on the door handle, you'd be like, oh, my parents are banging. Well, that's what it usually means. If people put a sock on the handle of their, you know, bedroom door or whatever, it means they're getting down to it. What are you telling your parents that? Huh? What do you mean? Is that a symbol for your parents? I don't think people do it when they're living at home so their parents know not to commit.

3:18:13I mean, maybe some people have that. This isn't a thing. What? This isn't a thing. This is in movies. Neither of you have done it. I haven't done it. I don't know anyone who's put that stuff on the phone. I understand. Also, I don't have many, there weren't many, there weren't many doorknobs in the house. Hang on, no doorknobs? Or locks? Yeah, what's going on? A door, a flat door. You don't put a doorknob on every door. I think you do. Well. In a house. Yeah. You're working in a. Then how are you even shutting the door? Is there no latch on it at all? It's just a bit of wood. No, it's not a bit of wood.

3:18:46I knew you were going to say a bit of wood. Because in your end, it's a bit of wood. You think, I bet you're even going to. Beaded. I know how it works you two are going to say it's like cat flaps or saloon doors James would probably say saloon doors in your house with no locks saloon doors for the bathroom would be perfect you'd see my feet and my head, that's fine, you don't know what's going on in the middle saloon doors, you don't know what's going on in the middle actually saloon doors in toilets is fine yeah? you'd be fine with that? in Japan they don't have the idea was that they'd build the toilet with the most beautiful view from the house and there were no doors.

3:19:26Well, it's your second time on the Off Menu podcast and the second time you started a sentence with in Japan. What do you mean? Oh, what? Ghosts. No, you didn't listen back. Ghosts don't have feet in Japan. Is that what we talked about before? We talked about low light, I believe. Low light, yeah, yeah. This is all for the same book, actually. You're talking about the fact that ghosts don't have feet in Japan. In Japanese cartoons, ghosts don't have feet. Traditionally, that's where that comes from. What do you mean by that? If you draw a ghost, I doubt he has feet. Yeah, but that's not just Japanese ghosts.

3:20:01So that's why they have saloon doors and toilets. Is that what you're saying? There's no saloon doors in Japanese toilets. But is the ghost thing anything to do with the... No, that's because we challenged it on Japan. I know three things about Japanese culture. Yeah. Low lights in restaurants. Japanese ghosts don't have feet. And traditionally, toilets were built with no doors facing the most beautiful view that they could get in the house. Right.

3:20:31Really ironic. Kearns has talked about locks on toilet doors. Since the last time I saw him, he was farting over a hand dryer repeatedly. All evening, that lock on the toilet door didn't help him a jot. We're nearly at the end of our best ofs, but we can't forget that we released one of our greatest ever episodes of off menu or any podcast this year. Yeah. The time I beat up Stephen Graham. Here we go. Yeah. Okay. Here we go. Roll VT.

3:21:03Pop it, it was all bread. Stephen Graham, would you like? James normally shouts this. The whole thing is he shouts it at the guest. Well, there's not a need to shout it every time. And I think I can just say it to Stephen. happened is Stephen, he's seen the pictures of you boxing and he's got scared because, I mean, you're almost certainly not aware of this, but James has called you out on the podcast before. What? When? He's called you out for a ruck. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Hold on a second. When did I... Is this fact? I don't remember this. It happened on Izuca's episode. Do you have backup with a recording of this?

3:21:38Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's been out, you know. Can we play the recording? can you find and record while we're in conversation and we'll get back to this team we'll just put this on hold for a minute just for a minute we'll just put this on hold for a minute James shut up lad I'm talking we'll just put this on hold for a minute if you find what he said whoa hang on you've had your minute we'll find what he said and then we'll come back to it but for now we'll carry on as normal yeah alright we're still mates okay just for now I think Azuka might have said it no maybe you've got it No, you said it and Azuka laughed in your face.

3:22:15Okay. I think he's got his wires crossed, Stephen, but we will carry on. Let's carry on as normal. We'll carry on as normal. I think you've got your wires crossed, Ed. Okay. You might have said that. I apologise if I've got my wires crossed, but I think we both know that I have. We'll find out because we've got factual. Oh. What? He's got his side. How did he fucking do something that fast? He never does anything fast. It's probably happened on about five episodes. I don't think this will be. Can we all hear this? and see what they did meanwhile Stephen Graham's just stood looking at you like he's going to rip your head off yeah yeah yeah well that's his resting face right oh he's like a giant puppy as well though yeah oh here we go go on no no no I actually said I set it up for you I'm sure he is like a little puppy dog he shouldn't run his mouth off on TV shows has he ever like made a statement to counter your challenge no because he's a busy man who doesn't need to be bothering himself with stupid little...

3:23:11Yeah, that's what I thought. Even Jonathan Ross and he fired shots at Romesh. That's all of us. And I'm disappointed in you, Ed, for not calling him out. Oh, look, I'm not calling him out, but I'm very happy for you to call him out because I want to see what happens. You know what's going to happen. Yeah, you're going to get your head ripped off. You're going to get absolutely fucking pummels. As if, as if, as if, man. That would never happen. Have you seen him recently? Has he seen me? Has he seen himself? how's that a comeback yeah he looked at himself and went yeah even without him here you panic there has he seen himself has he seen himself has he seen himself has he made me think again no I don't want to see what would happen I tell you what we wouldn't even need one take man me beating him up we do that in half a take yeah game over end of film is it a film that you're getting beaten up in now yeah yeah yeah I'm the hero I think that might have been Edge So what did I do to Romesh?

3:24:10I don't know. No, no, no. Come on, you're saying it. What did I do to Romesh? I think that... It's out there now. Your ass went in, didn't it? What did I do to Romesh? Answer the question. Well, I think maybe what that was a reference to was... I think you might have gone on Jonathan Ross with Romesh. Yes, I did, yeah. And Romesh may have said... It's just my memory. Go ahead, because I'm with you now. I remember this fucking thing. Go ahead. What happens? Come on. I think Robbish might have said that Liverpool audiences aren't good audiences. He doesn't like playing in Liverpool. Yeah. And he said because they heckle and they don't listen and stuff.

3:24:49And I think you said, oh, this is my memory. I'm just trying to remember. I think you said... No, I'll tell you exactly what I said. I said, maybe if you were fucking funny, then laugh. I rest my case, bollocks. It's over. Yeah? that's what I said that's all I said look and I know some of you some of you have this attitude where it's like I'm just doing my job no you're a comedian I've paid fucking 25, 30 quid here I've brought me missus that's 70 quid before I've even fucking sat down and I want to have a laugh so make me laugh that's your job innit yeah so fucking make me laugh I agree thank you and that's not just scouts that should be all over the bastard country.

3:25:36If I'm paying money to go and watch a comedian, what? I mean, you're like fucking Joracell. Do you know what I mean? You're going on and on and on about bollocks. I don't want you doing that. I want you to be what you should be. Run seal. Do what it says on the fucking tin. Make me laugh, bastard. End of story. Can we carry on now with the show? Yeah. You okay, James? I'm good. I agree with you. Okay. I think that's a fair. Yeah. That's a good point well made. That's a good point well made. I always have your back, Steve. Thank you. You know, I think, in my defence, I think Benito edited that to sound weird.

3:26:16I think you should just admit you made a mistake and we'll move on, James. Yeah, probably just made a mistake. Okay. Popadums or bread? I'll have popadums, please. And it'd be nice for your mum to taste the New York wonton soup as well. Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. as the fellow one-time soup fanatic and she'd go oh well done lad you found it yeah so that's who's there and we're in a nice round table with one of those what's them what are them lovely Lazy Susan I love a Lazy Susan it's a great name it is a great name it's really good it's fun to tell you who came up with a Lazy Susan it wasn't Susan definitely wasn't Susan I'm not fucking lazy you cheeky bastard she's running late to the mail arrived but it's like you know it moves around in the middle and who's I think we'll call that a lazy but anyway one of those great tables and let's let's stick with the theme let's make it although none of the rest of the food is but let's make it a lovely kind of Chinese restaurant yeah nice yeah and what does make a great wonton soup what is the criteria that you're looking for every time you've had flavour pure flavour but they're not being stingy with the little wontons yeah make sure that they've got a nice big you know they're solid yeah you don't want to be looking you don't want to be looking for them right no because then it's all isn't it you know what I mean yeah nice packed one ton yeah nice you don't want it to leave you one ton more how are we feeling about that I'm feeling bad about it as soon as I said it yeah how do you think that would go down in Liverpool I do that's why I'm silent yeah we were doing so well it probably wouldn't go well in Liverpool I don't think that would go well in any fucking country.

3:28:07So we bought these massive, giant lobsters and he bought some potatoes and he filled the pot and he literally, you know, it's not the nicest thing when it comes to cooking lobsters. It's not very... But you do have to do that bit otherwise it's even weirder, I think. Well, of course, yeah. Yeah, that would be very weird. I don't want to be cruel so I'm just going to eat it like a big apple. Yeah. Yeah, that wouldn't... In the big apple. Yeah. In the big apple. Yeah. That gets something in Liverpool. If I did eat it like a big apple in the big apple, surely that gets something. Do I look like I'm laughing?

3:28:42No, you don't, to be fair. So when you make me laugh, I will laugh. Yeah, that's fair. Ed's done it a good few times. That's true. You've seen me laugh. I love kicking Liverpool. Well, I am capable of laughing. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. We are all capable of laughter. If we are made to laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, back to the story. Yeah. Can I have some spinach? Yeah. Okay, I'll have a little bit of spinach then as well. Yeah, garlic. Fresh garlic. Yeah, mixed in there with the spinach. I do love spinach. More and more, I'm a big broccoli and spinach guy. Because growing up, you're like, just get that down.

3:29:20You know, you're supposed to eat it if you want everything else. But now, I look forward to the broccoli and spinach. That's nice. Yeah. It's a good vehicle for garlic and butter, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's good stuff. Great vehicle. See, that's funny. It's funny. What, with the vehicle? Yeah, I liked it. Are you sure? Yeah, but I just saw... That was like a small... Oh, hang on. Do I have to explain? I just thought it was funny he's in a vehicle and I just saw some little broccoli sitting on some, you know, some garlic sitting on the broccoli. It's a vehicle. It's me, you know.

3:29:47That's what I was doing. He played with the words. He was very clever. That's you doing the work. Clever. He didn't mean a little bit of garlic sitting on the broccoli. No, that's not me doing the work. Yeah. It's given for my head to go, aha, that's funny. Sometimes you just have to plant the seed when you're a funny comedian. What the... Funny is this guy. You know, some people are naturally funny. No matter what I'm saying. Ed and Gene Wilder don't have to wear kids. You do. Ed and Gene Wilder? That's what I've said, yeah. What the fuck? You're in that echelon now? Yeah. Listen, I'm your biggest fan.

3:30:17I pick you up all the time. That's true. But Wilder? Yeah. We're talking to Gene Wilder. Yeah. And you're saying yeah? Yeah. Wow. I'm Wonka. Fair enough? I'm Wonka. You're Wonka now? Yeah. Holy moly. Well, congratulations. Thank you. They know you're the new Gene Wilder. Sometimes. It doesn't matter what you say. If you're funny, it just... Yeah. It just seeps out your paws, doesn't it, Steve? It's just a natural ability. Yeah. So you meant to put in the image of a little bit of garlic riding on some broccoli like a vehicle? No, the broccoli's... The broccoli is the vehicle. The broccoli is the vehicle, yeah.

3:30:50Yeah. Yeah, yeah, so the garlic's riding on the broccoli. Now you're explaining it, you've made it not funny, which is just... With the chilli and stuff. It has to just hit you subliminally. Do you know what I mean? I just saw him sitting on that vehicle. Yeah. he brought the garlic and the chilli to life put yourself in my shoes if I'm seeing Romesh on a chat show yeah and he's my friend and he's getting absolutely destroyed like torn limb from limb the audience applauded your comment I think they found me funny and I think that's like you know did you speak to Romesh in the green room after me and Romesh text often he's a lovely fella yeah we got on really well so Romesh didn't mind and you've got on this campaign on Ramesh's behalf you haven't even checked with him in the defence of what?

3:31:36yeah so I defended all comedy all comedians Stephen likes comedy I love comedy yeah I guess I can't say you don't because you did find the vehicle joke funny and at the time it was funny yeah I do accept full responsibility for running the joke into the ground and removing the humour from it yeah Wilder wouldn't do that and you can tell I like comedy because I plucked out Gene Wilder from nowhere.

3:32:06And even you were impressed. And what's quite impressed it did come out of nowhere. Yeah, yeah. I was like... No, no. I'm similar to Gene Wilder. And only a true comedian could know how funny Gene Wilder actually was. Yeah, that's true. That's why I hate you. Yeah. See, what I've done is I've beaten you without raising a finger. That is what's scary about it. It's like... It's like... the fight's already happened in a way. Yeah. It's psychological. And it's over. We now don't need to fight. Completely in my own head. Yeah. It's like, you know, you know, in a, yeah, you know,

3:32:48because like we were, we were talking about food. Yeah. And now I'm just, I'm just defeat. Yeah. And it's like, you know, when this is England and you're, you're talking about the food. with the scene with Milky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You talk about rice and peas and making food. Of course, yeah. And that's how I feel. Yeah. Can I tell you a quick little story about that? I think I know this. Oh, do you? Well, that's an what an awful interview technique. Sorry. No. Imagine that having a guest on and them saying they're going to tell a story and going, I know this. I think I know this one before you tell it.

3:33:24Sorry, I'm just towing my own head. I can't even interview people now. I'm just letting them I'm just spoiling people's stories Graham Norton knows everyone's stories Graham Norton is just setting people up he never says I know this one, the researcher told me it I know this one he's never done that I had a teacher at school tell me that I couldn't do any of like you know, I was saying I wanted to do comedy and a bunch of different things can't do that it's not going to happen and then she turned no I'm not sure what you're going to think of this story actually

3:34:06you are so in your own head you've never said that you've never preempted one of your stories by saying I'm not sure what you're going to think of it well we'll see what your opinion is oh by the way I've heard this one yeah yeah you know I know this one you know what happens yeah yeah I was on tour I went on stage in Cambridge and someone had their, not just their feet but their entire legs on the stage. I looked and it was her, my teacher from school who told me I couldn't do this. And I looked down and it was her, which was with her mates. They're hammered. They just ruined the whole show. The whole show just shouted out, shout heckling.

3:34:46And then when I tried to deal with them, they'd go, show some, they'd turn serious and go, show some respect, that's your teacher. I was like, at the time I was like, I don't know 30 yeah i was like i'm 30 years old i don't give them a teacher anymore they're like ah shut up uh they ruined it and i came on stage and i was still on facebook at the time and i went i went i had a message from her because she had followed me on facebook after the school and she said uh she's hammered she's like that was great we had a great night we're in the pub across the street coming over come and have a drink with us so i messaged back oh my mom where's this going Now she's my wife I've got it I've got Stephen Clay He's laughing Gene Wilder Gene Wilder Come with me And you'll be In a world Of pure imagination

3:35:48You got pwned, James. No, I didn't, Ed. I believe I won, although I didn't listen back to the clips, so I didn't need to. Maybe some genuine behind-the-scenes chat about what a fun episode that was to record or how good Stephen Graham was. Close brackets. And of course, you can watch the supercut of James vs. Stephen Graham on our YouTube channel. Now, that's it for 2025. if you'll come along to the Royal Albert Hall shows in March, we'll see you there, I guess but for now, we'll leave you, as always with the annual Poppadoms or Bread complication that's what it says it says complication it says complication, so this is what it is yeah, bye

3:36:29Poppadoms or Bread Poppadoms or Bread, actually, Porowski Poppadoms or Bread wait, what? Poppadoms or Bread Poppadoms or Bread, Poppadoms or Bread Of Gillian Anderson. Papa Doms or Bread? Definitely Bread. Papa Doms or Bread. Papa Doms at Bread, Joanne McNally. Papa Doms at Bread. I go Papa Doms. Papa Doms at Bread. Papa Doms at Bread. Papa Doms at Bread. Papa Doms at Bread, Emily Campbell. Papa Doms at Bread. Papa Doms at Bread. Papa Doms at Bread, Neen gates. Papa Doms at Bread. Papa Doms at Bread, do you say? Yes. Just a bit. Um, you did just a bit say that. I would like Papa Doms, please. Pop Dom's or bread?

3:37:07Pop Dom's or bread, Demo O 'Leary? Pop Dom's or bread? This is the only problem I have with this podcast. I love the podcast. This is the fundamental flaw in the format. Okay. Is... Get bacon on the phone. It's like asking me, do you want an apple or an avocado and asking me to come up with the right... Like, they're so contextual, aren't they? Yes. Pop Dom's or bread? Pop Dom's or bread? Al Fanning? Pop Dom's or bread? Oh my God, what? Bread? Bread? Pop Dom's or bread? Pop Dom's or bread more on this one? Pop Dom's or bread? Poppa Doms. Are you mad? Poppa Doms all day, man. Poppa Doms all bread.

3:37:39Poppa Doms all bread, Marisola. Poppa Doms all bread. So it was Poppa Doms until 2014. I would have said Poppa Doms. Poppa Doms all bread. Poppa Doms all bread, self-esteem. Poppa Doms all bread. Made a jump. I did it. I made a jump. Yeah. She jumped. That was very satisfying. She knew it was going to happen. She still jumped. I think she's horrible. Poppa Doms, obviously. Poppa Doms all bread. Poppa Doms all bread. Kate Winslet. Poblobs or bread? Quite loud. Yes. Bread, definitely. It was a bit loud, wasn't it? Every time. Yeah. Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread, Julie Clary? Poblobs or bread?

3:38:16Is that Poblobs or bread? Very well done, yes. Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread, Kevin? Poblobs or bread? 10 ,000 times bread. Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread, Ben Schwartz? Poblobs or bread? Poblobs or bread? Yes. What is a Poblobs? As is tradition when James screams poppadums or bread. What is a poppadum? Popp-doms or bread? Popp-doms or bread? Daisy Reddy? Popp-doms or bread? Bread. Popp-doms or bread? Popp-doms or bread, Ellie Taylor? Popp-doms or bread? I am going to say... Bread. Pop-doms or bread? Popp-doms or bread, Greg James? Pop-doms or bread? I thought about this a lot, obviously.

3:38:51It's popp-doms. Popp-doms or bread! Popp-doms or bread, Hammerstickinson? Popp-doms or bread? Alright, well that went well. Popp-doms or bread? Poplobs or bread Ian Smith? Poplobs or bread? I don't think we actually got the water. Blood is the answer. Blood has to be the answer now. Okay, Robin, blood. Bread, please. Poplobs or bread? Poplobs or bread, Moe Gilligan? Poplobs or bread? I'm saying bread. I'm saying bread. Poplobs or bread? Poplobs or bread, Captain Patterson? Poplobs or bread? Very good. I'd say quite harsh to do it as Catherine was taking a sip of Prosecco from her teacup. Oh, I didn't think of that.

3:39:29Oh both, I've never ordered just one, have you? Obviously Papadam. Publums or bread? Publums or bread, Rod Gilbert? Publums or bread?

3:39:45Bread. Publums or bread? Publums or bread, Neil Haddon? Publums or bread? It's a bit like that scene in Man Bites Dog where he scares the old woman to death. I've got to say, it's the first shout-out we've had to Man Bites Dog in the podcast. Yeah, good shout-out to Man Bites Dog. Publums or bread? Publums or bread, Santiago Lastra? Publums or bread? I always say bread. Publums or bread? popdoms or bread sally phillips popdoms or bread basket of bread bread of the world problems or bread stacy dooley popdoms or bread popdoms or bread um what bread are we talking popdoms or bread popdoms or bread

3:40:27gotta keep you guessing yeah came out first the police knew what was coming it was a sting it felt right at the time i stink it has to be bread problems or bread poplums or bread poplums or bread james norton poplums or bread easy bread bread bread bread oh yes yeah bread probably poplums or bread poplums or bread stevie martin poplums or bread bread bread bread french baguette johnny pellon that was pretty yeah i like that sound i haven't got that sound out of someone before you kind of gained 60 years pop up Pop-lubs or bread? Pop-lubs or bread, Joy Brooks? Pop-lubs or bread? Joy spilt her coffee.

3:41:18I've just spilt the coffee. Pop-lubs or bread? Pop-lubs or bread? Oh, bread. You looked so shocked at me. That's the first time you've not been able to get through it. Because you looked at me like, what has happened? What have I done? Yeah, because I didn't hear, I didn't know what you were saying. Pop-lubs or bread, Marion Keys? Pop-lubs or bread? Bread. Pop-lubs or bread? Pop-lubs or bread, Rhys James? Pop-lubs or bread? I bet it feels good, doesn't it? Shout that? to have someone that you don't respect in the chair again. You've had two, but you've got two. The podcast has got too big for how much you like shouting that.

3:41:52Pop-a-dum's all bread! Pop-a-dum's all bread, John Early! Pop-a-dum's all bread! And there's the catchphrase. That's the - Pop-a-dum's all bread. The Indian kind of cracker. Yes. Has this come up that one clearly, but is it someone disagreed with you at one point? Never. In your early childhood? Never. Okay, okay. Pop-a-doms or bread? Pop-a-doms or bread, George Egg? Pop-a-doms or bread? Do you know what? I knew it was coming. Announcement before you answer. An announcement. Yeah. How many episodes of this podcast have we done now, Benito? 260-something. That's the first time I've shouted pop-a-doms or bread, and it's made me fart.

3:42:27Oh, wow.

3:42:31Pop-a-doms or bread? Pop-a-doms or bread, Robert De Niro? Pop-a-doms or bread? What? Yes. Pop-a-doms or bread? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is no idea. I knew it. I knew this was going to happen Chris I've given him the responsibility as you saw before we started the podcast I gave him the responsibility that he's got to do the shouting and I said that means you've got to know when to do it and he was like yeah yeah yeah and during this whole bit I was like he's forgotten I didn't forget I was just enjoying the chat that's the problem because I enjoy just a nice chat Chris what shoutings have you got to do?

3:43:01I've got to shout Poppadoms or Bread in a bit but the idea is I surprised the guest but it's not going to surprise you now I wasn't listening Yeah. All right. Talk about something else for a second. Chris. Yes, man. You said you got... Pop-a-doms or bread, Chris McCausland? Pop-a-doms or bread? Were you surprised? Oh, do you know what? Poof. Poof. Yeah, I love that. Pop-a-doms or bread? Pop-a-doms or bread, Jeff Goldblum? Pop-a-doms or bread? What did you say? Pop-a-doms or bread? I will translate. James said pop-a-doms or bread. Oh. That's your next choice of the course. Of course, I knew you said that.

3:43:37Well, if you're really asking, although you're scared. Did you see how easily I go jump scares? I like scary movies myself and I don't mind a jump scare even though it makes me jump. I'm an easy jumper. Well, you're talking up my alley because let's talk about bread. We could talk about all manner of bread, all sorts of bread, my likes and dislikes, but Papadam, I know it from my Indian enthusiasms. Oh, I love Indian food. I love spicy food, vindaloo, this and that. I love, what is that, cardamom? Some of those curry flavors. Oh, I love it. And when you get that, well, naan, that's a more dangerous and sinfully delicious, you know, doughy thing that scares me a little bit.

3:44:30I love it. I love garlic. I'm a big garlic man, so I love garlic naan. and when it's warm, I love all of you.

3:44:50Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. You might remember us from when we were guests on Off Menu where I tried to find where I got seaweed mash and we had to call my mum. And I talked about how my mum was worried that I might drown in my own body. That's cool. And we've got some exciting news. We've sorted your Valentine's Day plans again as we're doing a special live recording of the podcast on Valentine's Day. A.K.A. Saturday the 14th of February. Yes, we've got a lovely venue. It's at the Underbelly Boulevard in Soho, London. We had so much fun at the last Valentine's Day show. Yes, and we both absolutely overshared.

3:45:30Will we do it again? You'll have to come along and find out. okay yes yes we will so that's saturday 14th of february at underbelly boulevard and you can get tickets on the link in our bio and our instagram