Chris McCausland (Christmas Special)

0:12Welcome to the Off Menu Podcast, taking the mini sausages of conversation, wrapping them in the bacon of humour roasting them perfectly in the oven of podcasts, pigs in blankets pod's in blankets pod's in blankets, it's a Christmas special, it's a Christmas miracle so Ed's done a little, Ed Gassad gamble by the way, oh yeah that's James Acaster over there and we own a dream restaurant and every single week we're inviting a guest, asking their favourite starter main course side dish drink, dessert, and Christmas and Christmas dinner, not in that order not in that order thankfully And this week, our guest is Chris McCausland.

0:54Chris McCausland. If you say it quickly, it sounds like Christmas. Christmas Ausland. Christmas Ausland. Christmas Ausland. And that's, of course, not the main reason we've got Chris on. We've got Chris on because he's a fantastic comedian. Amazing comedian. A lovely man. And he won Strictly Come Dancing, James. Is this our first Strictly champ? I don't know. I don't know anything about Strictly. Of course you don't. Yeah. Well, I think it's our first Strictly champ. I think it might be our first Strictly champ. I couldn't name any others apart from... Bill Bailey was here, Strictly champ? He was.

1:23We've not had him on the pod. No, which is criminal. Yeah, especially at Christmas, Bill Bailey's. Oh, yeah, of course. Very Christmassy. Yeah. We've had Dooley on, actually. James Benz just informed us. Dooley loves a party. Dooley loves a party? Yeah. Dooley's. Do you remember Dooley's Toffee Vodka? No. Okay. Chris has got a book out. His autobiography, Keep Laughing. thing chris has obviously uh done a lot in his life he's got a lot of things to say can't wait to read the book it'll be a fantastic book the book james is also available in audio chris is reading it the audio book a great way to consume comedians uh books i think and this podcast is available in audio yeah and also visual on youtube tomorrow yes very good and also benito's typing it all up as a book is he yeah every single episode it's gonna be is it just gonna be benito's book yeah it's called the great bonito the off menu podcast in my own words yeah exactly yeah and there's going to be every episode available in loads of volumes and it's you know for people with libraries do we get any money from that no just him wouldn't thought so yeah just him but if chris chooses the secret ingredient ingredient which we deem to be unacceptable we will have to kick him out of the dream restaurant yes and this week the secret ingredient it is.

2:41Chris Stingle. Chris Stingle. It's another name thing and also it's Christmassy. Yeah, it's an orange that has loads of stuff stuck in it. yeah, yeah. You know, scholars have covered it. Yeah, some of the great minds of the last millennium have covered the Chris Stingle in a humorous fashion. And some people thought they made it up. Oh, really? Yeah, some people have said to those great minds, that's made up and the great mind has had to say, no, it's real. What an awful routine that would be yeah an observational routine about something that you've made up yeah yeah actually that's quite funny that's quite good that would be fun yeah that's quite a good idea actually but I mean it's unlikely that Christmas Ausland will choose the Christingle but if he does he's out of here he is out of here this is the off menu Christmas menu of Christmas Ausland

3:39Welcome Chris to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you very much for having me. Welcome Chris McCausland to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Now, James has lost his voice recently, Chris. So normally he'd do a big explosion and he'd shout. But what you went with there was actually, it was from the stomach. It was quite a good projection, I thought. Projecting there. He's also spilt a breakfast baguette down his trousers today. Goddammit, Chris. And, you know, he has the perfect guest in front of him for this to be the day of a disastrous spillage, but yet still felt the need to talk about it.

4:14He also texted me about that, and I thought, well, I must remember to bring that up on the episode, because that will annoy him. Luckily, I've got Chris here, because it's quicker than I ever thought I would. Well, it's not often I'm the only one without food down my trousers. It was a breakfast wrap, and they put too much sauce in it, and they should let you know. Did you kind of have a bit of a disaster yourself, or did you bite one end and squirt it out the other? Well, actually, so, yeah. First of all, I dripped on my right leg when I was eating it. Yeah. So, like, dripped out of it. And then I was like, oh, no.

4:46You're so OCD that you had to do the other leg. Yeah. But when I was sorting out my right leg, it came out the bottom on my left leg. So... See, to me, what this is... My left leg's worse. You know when you're at school and someone came to school with, like, a big stain on their trousers and they'd be like, oh, I had a yoghurt this morning and I spilled it or it's Tifex? Yeah. It feels like that. it feels like yeah well it's exactly where if I had jizzed in my pants it would be yeah so like yeah it's pretty annoying yeah because like we've got three episodes today yeah and then after that I've got to go and like try and pitch a TV idea to someone well that's not getting away well what's the TV idea is it about a man who doesn't wash his clothes and stuff what you can pivot you can pivot and say you're in character I mean the state of TV in this day and age it could be a reality TV show called Jizz or Not and then you've just got I guess whether has somebody jizzed in their pants or have they had a bit of a food disaster Chris that's a brilliant idea Channel 5 The follow up to Is It Cake or what?

5:45Is it jizz? Have you ever had an episode Star Solo? Yeah It'd be nice to say no to that question But let's elevate the episode Let's talk about your book Chris Keep laughing Keep laughing The autobiography yes let's elevate this episode and not talk about jizz unless the whole book is about jizz chapter 12 entirely about jizz respect yeah if you read the index the J page goes on through about now is this your first book? it is yeah at the minute it's also the last one oh yeah it's both it straddles both first and last otherwise known as only so you enjoyed writing it then you enjoyed the process do you know what I did yeah I wrote it this year.

6:39Michael Joseph, part of Penguin. I never know whether I should call them Michael Joseph or Penguin, but, you know, no one's heard of Michael Joseph. I don't know who Michael Joseph is, so people have heard of Penguin. They had a stroke of genius. They put the book on sale before I started writing it. There's nothing puts a rocket to your arse. Like a book being on sale that doesn't exist. And what that meant is I didn't plan any of it. I just got stuck in. And if I'd have been left to my own devices, I'd have gone round in circles and overplanned it. And just, you know, what about this? What order should I put the chapters in that don't exist?

7:13And so I just started writing and I made sure I got to like 50 ,000 words before I even started looking how it went together. And it's mad when you start writing because you've got no idea whether you've got the word count, you know. You don't know whether your story is the minimum word count. and in the end it was like, it was well over to the point of arrogance, really. I'm thinking people need to read 122 ,000 words about my life. How often are you checking the word count? Every time I've written a book, I just keep checking the word count all the time to the point where I'm like, this is too much.

7:51I'm just, I'm pushing the font size. Every time I'm writing it, I'm going bigger font every single time. It doesn't affect the word count that though, mate. Yeah, I know, but it affects how it looks on the shelf. Yeah, more pictures. That's one thing they asked me. They went, we need to sort out the photographs for the book. I said, what do you mean the photographs for the book? They went, oh, people put photographs in the autobiography. I said, I'm not putting photographs. I'm not being the only one that doesn't know what the photos are in my own book. People can use their imagination. I've used words to describe things.

8:20They can picture them in their minds. But no, do you know what? It was good. It was easy. Well, that wasn't easy, but it was easier than it would have been a year before. so you know like I did strictly and it kind of just changed how I felt about about a couple of things really about it's not all the things that you'd be you'd be typically closed off about and like all your emotions and you keep them kind of buried away and you don't let people in you've had to written there a year before I'd have written just the jokes just the funny stories and they're all in there but like once you've cried on the telly in front of 10 million people you kind of feel a little bit more open about things but also like i was such a perfectionist like in that i would i wouldn't kind of put things out if i didn't think they were good enough and then all of a sudden you know you do this thing that teaches you that you know it things can connect with people in a way that you don't expect when if you just put yourself out there it doesn't have to like it you know the dancing wasn't the best dancing and there are you know there are there are greater works of of you know literary kind of non-fiction out there but if it connects with people then that's the main thing isn't it yeah I've said that 4.9 stars on Audible you get half history of that sentence and realise it's supposed to be putting my book here and I've just said it's not the greatest work of literary non-fiction well it's not is it I mean it's hardly bloody Charles Dickens is it?

9:53But you know for a comedian's autobiography I think it more than holds its own. Charles Dickens could also do the comedy clubs of the UK and win a dance competition Chris. Also never had a chapter entirely about jizz. Yeah. I've never read any of his books actually. He could have Charles Dickens could. Towards the end of Great Expectations. Yeah well he always named his characters didn't he about like how they their personality traits and things that was the thing you probably had a Mr. Jizz in one of his books but it'd be like Mr. Jizzelkins or something yeah

10:30so we always start with still a sparkling water Chris do you have a preference? I just think it's I mean I don't really trust I don't really trust people who drink sparkling water don't really doesn't sit right with me yeah it's like someone sucked all the fun out of lemonade didn't it yeah do you know what like I you drink sparkling water your brain expects fun it's like you got COVID it's just it's missing something it's the beverage equivalent of when you stand on an escalator that's not moving your brain's expecting one thing and you get an entirely different thing and there's just something not quite right about the universe and I think people who enjoy sparkling water are people who are just so void of any fun and joy in their life but like to pretend that they've got something going on yeah and that's their idea of fun then yeah because i love bubbles yeah but not bubbles without the fun the bubbles add to the fun the bubbles make the fun better but the bubbles aren't the fun it's such a good comparison that escalator thing because even even when you know the escalator's not working yeah your brain can't handle it brain can't handle it and it's the same with sparkling water you think even though you know it's sparkling yeah your brain can't handle it there's a moment where you just go, something's not right here.

11:48I feel like I'm kind of in a bit of a, the matrix is revealing itself. But the escalator thing is not even a visual thing because I still get it and I'm not seeing the escalator. It's a psychology thing. I have the same thing with still water in a can. I still haven't got around that. My brain hasn't evolved yet to handle the fact that still water comes out of a can. and so that for me still there's a moment of where something isn't right yeah we've got a long way to go there because like it's pretty important that we have water in cans for the planet and what not but is it because is it great question from Chris is it James you've said that because you've heard it somewhere you've said that because somebody said it to you and you've you've regurgitated it like a piece of wisdom you can't put the lid back on the can that's not your idea you've got two choices with the water in the can you either finish the can or you leave you have your three swigs and you leave a can of water yeah you can't take it with you you don't trust a can in a bag you've got a laptop in a bag you've got your stuff you don't trust the can no you trust the bottle you don't trust the can you say it's good for the environment but bear in mind every time I have a can of water I take two sips and then throw the rest of it at a bird yeah I didn't know you did that yeah well but you're the one who thinks it's good for the environment because someone else said it to you yeah yeah yeah I mean, Jimmy, are you talking, I don't know, your vernacular, are you talking like kind of Tweety Tweety or just some woman walking down the street?

13:23No, I'm not going, I'll chuck it at a bird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that wouldn't be bad for the environment, just sort of like. Just your career. That'd be it. That'd be I'm hosting this podcast on my own. Benito would have to develop a personality pretty quick and get in that chair. How's Benito taking the flack here? He just sat there. I'm the one who's just been accused of throwing cans at women and suddenly Benito's taken it in the neck for not having a personality. Oh, I don't think so. The guns have aimed at everyone. Mexican standoff. I think Benito's just been told that there's a career opportunity there for him and he knows what he needs to do if he wants to make the most of it.

13:59Chris, I've got to say, have you just met Benito for the first time today? Yes. Yeah. It would be his absolute nightmare to have to be on the podcast. Sometimes his voice is in the edit because he can't get rid of it and he hates those days. He hates it. I imagine that when those days happen, he thinks in the edit, oh, can I get someone to re-record that line? So it's someone else saying it. It's a funny name as well, isn't it? Benito, yeah. It sounds like, Benito sounds like a version of a taco or something. You're in, do you want a taco or do you want a, what's the other one you get, a fajita?

14:33Or do you want a Benito? Yeah, it's like a cross between the two. It sounds like something that James would have down his pants. I don't need to do any work today Kristen's got this He's absolutely roasting me for chucking all the food down my pants What was in the breakfast wrap? Well I made the mistake of ordering extra sausage So two sausages Bacon Scrambled egg That was the killer actually The scrambled egg then waters down all the sauce And the sauce is like a hot sauce Like a sriracha-y tomato sauce Sounds nice Yeah, it was nice, but you have a lot of liquid in there. Do you want to shout out the place?

15:13I don't think he's done anything. I don't think they'd appreciate it. I don't think they would, actually. Although the man was very nice. He gave me my food. Yeah. So that was nice. That was a nice start to the day. Yeah. And then I stupidly decided to eat it while walking, which I don't know why I did that. Madness. Let's just have a moment there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is now I know. I knew it. I knew this was going to happen, Chris. I've given him the responsibility, as you saw before we started the podcast. I gave him the responsibility that he's got to do the shouting. And I said, that means you've got to know when to do it.

15:44And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And during this whole bit, I was like, he's forgotten. Yeah, no, I didn't forget. I was just enjoying the chat. That's the problem. Because I enjoy just a nice chat, Chris. What shouting's he got to do? I've got to shout Poppadoms or Bread in a bit. But the idea is I surprised the guest. But it's not going to surprise you now. So the least surprise we've said. I wasn't listening. Yeah. All right. talk about something else for a sec Chris yes mate you said pop it up so bread Chris McCausland pop it up so bread were you surprised oh do you know what phew phew that's all I can say to that pop it up so bread where am I who offers pop it up so bread Ed why did you do that Ed that's weird oh yeah good point yeah what kind of restaurant in what kind of restaurant is that an option it's the dream restaurant Chris you know over 300 episodes.

16:36It's the sort of thing you'd get at the start of a meal. So, you know, obviously if you're in an Indian restaurant, they bring poppadoms at the beginning. Yeah. If you, you know, many other restaurants bring bread. You know, there's other things as well, if you want to hack it a little bit. But if you had the choice between poppadoms or bread, which would you go for? Do you know what? I mean, it depends. Bread's a funny one, isn't it? Like we've kind of conditioned ourselves to think the bread dipped in vinegar is cultured. it's like it feels like something you'd eat if you're in prison yeah oh god do you know what all we've got left is bread and vinegar what was the call have you ever tried dipping the bread in the vinegar well it's better than just the bread or the vinegar separately on their own yeah it's like the vinegar decontaminates the bread or something it's like it's probably one of the greatest successes in marketing in the history of marketing that they've managed to make bread and vinegar with a bit of oil like something that we become excited about and feel cultured about what crime did you do that made you go in prison for the bread and the vinegar throwing cans of birds straight in the slammer yeah no I mean I love bread but like is bread dipped in a bit of oil and vinegar as good as people make out I think we pretend it's better than it is to be honest poppadoms they stress me out.

17:59I can't handle the logistics of the sharing of the sources, especially because I don't have the optical ability to kind of interact with the sharing from the other people. I kind of hog one. The mango chutney I like, and then you get an oniony one, which is a bit too oniony. There's a hot one and a yogurty one. I don't like the yogurty one. sometimes I get the yogurty one and I think I've got the mango one because somebody's taken the mango one and put the yogurty one where the mango one was and I've spooned it on I don't know what it is until I get it in my mouth Who are you hanging out with that's having dinner with you and swapping the mango one with the yogurty one?

18:40Well they're not swapping it it's just that they'll have the yogurty one and then they'll go oh fancy a bit of mango one so they pick the mango one up then there's because they take up too much space as well don't they? Then there's a space so they put the yogurty one where the mango one was I pick that up thinking it's the mango one I spoon it on When I'm expecting mango. Yeah. And again, you know, the world's a bit funny then, isn't it? Because you're expecting one thing and you get another. Yeah. So I find it quite stressful. I mean, the poppadoms, they're so minimalistic in their, you know, solidity, aren't they?

19:13Really. It's such a thin line between poppadoms and what do you call them? Do you call them dips or accompaniments or whatever? Condiments. Condiments. It's such a thin line between poppadoms and them and just spooning the substance into your mouth, isn't it? There's so little between. You might as well just go, just pass us that in the spoon and I'll just eat mango chutney. And every so often, I'll have a bite of poppadom. I mean, why don't people do that, actually? That'd be a lot less hassle, wouldn't it? You'd need a spoon each, I think. Spoon of mango chutney, stick the poppadom in your mouth, have a bite of that, it's all in there.

19:50It would have been in there anyway. and then have that. You could say that about all food though, couldn't you, Chris? Like why are we having it all prepared as meals? Why don't we just eat each individual ingredient and it all mixes up in our stomach? Well, I'll tell you what, why do people spend so much effort balancing toothpaste on a toothbrush just to put it in your mouth? Squirt it in your mouth. What's the point of that? Balancing it. Everybody does it. Yeah, I'm going to balance this on because it needs to ride the toothbrush into my mouth. Squirt it in your mouth and then just brush your teeth.

20:22It's all in there. Yeah. So do you put a line of toothpaste across your teeth? No, I just squirt it in. Just squirt it in. Yeah. But like I do that because it's a pain in the arse for me to try and balance the toothpaste. Like I'll balance. I went through a period in my life when I was losing my side trying to balance the toothpaste on the toothbrush and I get the toothbrush to my mouth and realise there was no toothpaste on it. Right? So I just realised, well, I just squirt the toothpaste in my mouth but now I do that. I don't know, why does not everybody do that? why'd you all go through the palaver of putting it on the toothbrush and it's the same with poppadoms you know when you know when someone says something that you know you're going to think about every day so now every time I brush my teeth I'm going to think of you Chris McCausland I just realised that my electric toothbrush died this morning and then I forgot to put it on charge so now I'm going to get home and I'm going to have to wait before maybe to brush my teeth do you brush your teeth as soon as you get in no but like well then put it on charge yeah but what's the problem but I know I'm not going to remember until I actually come to brush my teeth yeah but he's also going to use it to clean his trousers yeah yeah I mean that's why it will look the way it does yeah so in answer to your question I'll take the poppadoms and dips but if I can get rid of the the two I don't want and if I can have my own yeah and if I can just spoon the mango churning into my mouth and then just have a bite of poppadom to go with it.

21:52That makes it easier. I'll do that. Absolutely. Brilliant. Perfect. Dream starter, Chris? Do you know what? I love... Antipasti. Is it antipasti or antipasti? Did I say that right? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, antipasti. I'm looking ahead because... Well, it depends what you're going to say you want, Chris, because if you say antipasti and then you start describing spaghetti. I've got to know what you said. I said it out loud and then I was like, is it anti-pasta? No, anti-pasta is right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The starter. I love an arrangement of foods that I can just put in my mouth. And again, again, do you know what?

22:35I mean, completely coincidentally, we followed on here with a theme, haven't we? Yeah. But I like the idea of just putting separate things in your mouth in different combinations. Yeah. and you know I kind of make my own little version of it at home in a way in that you know I'll and I like standing up while I eat it as well I'll just stand in the kitchen and I'll have some meat and some cheese and some tomatoes and some maybe sun-dried tomatoes some olives and I'll just I'll just sit there and I'll stand there and I'll just munch and so the meats the little bit of cheese mozzarella sun-dried tomatoes and some different meats I don't even know I don't even need to know the meats.

23:17I just need to know that there's different meats. And like, oh, that one's different to that one. I don't need to know where they came from, how long they've been aged, what part of the animal they're from, or what animal it is. It's just different meats. Now, the only one I'm going to pick you up on there is you don't need to know what animal it is. Well, no, I mean, what I mean is I can probably tell when I eat it, but like, I don't need to know when it's on the way up to my mouth. Yeah. You know, I'm happy with like, you know, just give me some different meats and I'll figure it out as I'm going.

23:47I'll play a little game. That's good. We always like to add a game element. Don't be giving me animals that don't belong on it. Yeah, sure. You know, but like a little bit of beef, some ham, you know, different types of ham. There's different names for that, isn't there? I don't need to know them. I was going to list something and I was like, he doesn't want to know that. Just give me them. And those, you know, I've just slagged off the bread as a starter. Yeah. But those lovely soft long breadsticks that you get, that's where they belong. Get them on there because you can wrap some meat around the end, put a bit of sun-dried tomato with it, have a bite of that.

24:27Then you've kind of got a ham breadsticks, sun-dried tomato thing going on. Yeah. And then next time, get a bit of mozzarella, put that on, a bit of olive, and then you've got like a completely different thing. You're basically cooking at this point. Oh, cooking in my mouth. I would say balancing isn't. Oh, yeah, you're balancing. You're balancing here again. I am, but I'm holding it on with my fingers. Yeah. My fingers just get out of the way at the last minute, my fingers. But antipasti, yeah, but I want antipasti for four, right? I mean, because if I'm in a restaurant, sometimes I've ordered the antipasti for two because the antipasti for one is just not good enough.

25:08so I've ordered the antipasti for two just for myself and I've eaten it all so this is a dream restaurant so sod it I'm having the antipasti I'm having the antipasti for four don't know how to do it give me two antipastis for two put them on a bigger plate well we can do it absolutely we'll do it for four but we'll do it for four like it would traditionally be in a restaurant that amount but here at the dream restaurant we'll call it antipasti for one but no no no because then I feel like it undermines what I'm getting I want to know I'm getting it for four yeah would you like to know like would you like to like have three people in mind who aren't getting it?

25:43Do I want to eat my antipasti for four in front of three people who are salivating? Yeah. And who do you want those three people to be? No, let them have their own antipasti for four. Each of them? So, yeah, they can have their own thing. This isn't a gluttonous thing of, oh, look what I've got and you've got nothing. Yeah. It's not that kind of thing. It's just, I like a bit of antipasti. and if it's for four that's all the better. I completely agree this is a perfect starter for me. Yeah. The arrangement of hams just like yeah you want all of those hams. Just like kind of slightly overlapping fanned out almost like pick a card pick a meat pick a meat any meat don't show me what it is put it in your mouth put it in your mouth was it the pastrami?

26:28It was the pastrami!

26:33Mozzarella sun-dried tomatoes olives that sort of stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sun-dried tomatoes. It's another one of those kind of weird foods, isn't it, that they've managed to sell to us, but it works. It works. It adds a bit of sweetness. I don't know how many... When you have sun-dried tomatoes now, I don't think they could really have been dried by the sun. No, no. There's a process, isn't there? There's a... I mean, there's sun-dried tomatoes, and then there's sun-blushed tomatoes where they've just been impatient. Just get them out. Get them out. Let's get the next lot in. Legally, we have to expose them to the sun briefly.

27:07Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not dried enough. Call them something different. How long have they been around for, sun-dried tomatoes? Because someone's shown me some standards. As long as the sun, I think. Yeah. What? Well, I would actually say, I think the sun was around first, so as long as the tomato. Yeah, as long as the tomato. Yeah, they would have both had to have been around, unless the tomato came before the sun, which I don't think it did. God said, let there be light and tomatoes. And they're very good. he said let there be tomatoes and then sun dried tomatoes and that begat sun dried tomatoes yeah I've got to read the bible again begat I loved I loved the authenticity of begat there yeah that was a nice little use of language people have got to bring begat back I think yeah yeah sometimes people order a begat when we well you had a you had a breakfast begat oh god damn it oh god damn it breakfast begat breakfast begat your dirty ass trousers

28:04Dream main course, Chris Dream main course We didn't talk about Did you want to know Who I want there? What? Did you want to know Who I want there at the dinner? Oh yeah, yeah Sorry, I thought you did Who are the three other people They also get an antipasti I don't want to give them an antipasti I want them to have to watch Chris Eat an antipasti for four Yeah It's weird Who do people pick on this usually? Do they pick like Sometimes they're friends and family Sometimes from celebrities I'd like to meet yeah sometimes they say that we can be there but I don't want that yeah

28:36although you know James would take some of the heat off any spillages I have yeah it's weird isn't it because I'd imagine people on this a lot kind of pick people who like their dream kind of dinner guests they go oh do you know what imagine having dinner with Jimi Hendrix or do you really want to have your dinner with Jimi Hendrix I mean does Jimi Hendrix want to have his dinner with you that's the thing is there any point in picking somebody that's going to be miffed that they're there yeah Hendrix would be livid wouldn't he yeah he wouldn't oh he wouldn't want to have dinner with me he's ruined the whole thing would you not want Eddie Vedder there again again Chris loves pole jam I didn't know you love pole jam Chris he's the pole jam on Celebrity Mastermind oh great I just yeah I think sometimes these people would add a little bit of pressure to dinner that you don't need you always feel like you've got a kind of you can't I can't I can't enjoy the Antony Pasty in the way that I want to enjoy it do I only shove in random foods into my mouth in front of Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam.

29:31I'm not sure. Do you know what? I'd love to have, I'd love to have, I'd love to have my dinner if I can enter a fictional world. I'd love to have my dinner in an episode of Frasier. I'd love to be there with Frasier Crane and Niles and Daphne and Martin, like the original Frasier. I'd love to be in there. I'd love to be, I could be like a less annoying version of Daphne's Northern Family. Sure. from the later series yeah and just to be in there and to be part of the farce the pretense and the yeah and I think my favourite thing I loved Frasier it was my favourite sitcom I loved it when Niles was going out with Daphne and she was taking him to a concert and he said am I dressed appropriately for something called Bananarama and that just I love that this man is going to be in an episode of Frasier yeah we know what the side dish is going to be I love it there you go so I'd love to have me dinner yeah I'd love to be in an episode of they do a good anti-pasty oh yeah they would put that together beautifully oh yeah but they'd tell you what all the meats are they'd love to take you through what all the meats are they would you know I'd put up with it for that yeah yeah they're allowed to do it

30:52okay main course me wife's Brazilian and I must admit that the Brazilian offerings of food are absolutely solid. They are. You know what I mean. Brazil, solid offerings. Yeah. They love steak. I love that cheese bread. You know, it's good like Panda Keho or something where it looks like a bread roll and then you tear it open and there's more cheese than bread in there. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. They've got a lot of the baked goods are nailed in Brazil. A lot of kind of pastels, which are like, you know, egg and chicken and in like a pastry kind of suet thing and chicken and cheese fried sandwiches.

31:48It's phenomenal. But like, so they do picanha, which is steak and it's steak cooked on a, I think they cook it on like an open flame, but it's just salted. It's really salted, just salty steak. And then they'll carve it thin into small pieces. There's only one thing better than, I love a meal. You might've figured out that. I don't have to use a knife, right? So you get the steak kind of in bite-sized pieces. You can just eat it. Comes with like black beans, garlic and onions in. They've got this thing called for offer, which I always take the piss out of because it's like sand. It's like someone who's emptied their flip-flop on your plate.

32:30You know, it's like a pile of sand. I think they make it with flour. It looks like a grain, but it mops up the black bean sauce and the garlic and just kind of gets involved with the other foods. And I'll have some chips with that. Some chips. And, yeah, steak, black beans, for offer. It's good. The farofa thing is wild because I've been to Brazil and I had no idea what it was. But you're right, it sort of, it soaks up whatever moisture's left, right? And then you've just got a completely flavoured sand. But it's almost like clumping cat litter is the way I think of it. Yeah, but it works. It does well.

33:10It works. It's delicious. You wouldn't eat it on its own. No. It'd just be like a little cup of sand. Do you want a cup of sand? But when you've got a bit of juice going on, you've got a bit of meat juice, you've got a bit of black bean juice. It all lends itself, and everything on that plate can be eaten with a fork. You can just kind of stab and shovel and get involved, and there's loads of garlic in the black beans, and yeah, it's good. Do you like the Brazilian barbecue places where they bring around the skewers and just cut it off for you? Yeah, I love it, yeah. And they just keep going. And you have your little traffic light on your table, and they completely ignore it.

33:49Yeah. You know, green means meat, red means come over and check if I want some meat. Yeah, sir, I just noticed you're thinking, are you sure you're going to want to? Oh, go on then, go on then. Yeah, I would have been to one of those places once, but that's exactly the experience. And also, they told me about the system really strictly beforehand, as if I wasn't going to be able to do it. Yeah. And then they didn't do it. Yeah. I went to one in Philadelphia. Yeah. called Fogo de Chow which I think is a chain it's the one I went to is it? yeah but in LA oh and I went absolutely wild obviously I ate so much meat and the salad bar as well is basically like you can just go and get huge chunks of parmesan so I did that and I was only staying in Philadelphia for one night and went back to the hotel room and did the worst farts I've ever done all night to the extent the next morning I checked out and I felt guilty I was like they're going to have to burn they're going to have to burn the whole hotel this is the worst it was in the curtains by the end oh man you have to my mother-in-law does this thing whenever she whenever she she wants to get rid of an odour in the kitchen in the kitchen in the bathroom she'll she lights a match and waves it around as if she's just burning the the fart I think that works yeah in his bedroom that night it would have been like a terrorist yeah flaming head in the toilet But does it work because it does what, like, she claims it does, that it burns the aroma in the air, or does it work because the room just now smells a burnt match?

35:26That one, yeah. It's definitely just because it smells, you just put a stronger smell in there. It's just the strongest smell in, yeah. How often have you been to Brazil, Chris? A few times. Yeah, not as often as, so my mother-in-law lived over there, but she also came over when we had our daughter, and she lived over here for ages. for all of its good points with the food, it's bloody hot, isn't it? Oh, God. It's so hot. Yeah. I remember when the first time I went, my wife was like bigging it up and she was going, oh, the food, you're going to love the food, you're going to love... She was bigging it up.

36:04Oh, bigging it up. Our country. Yeah. She knows her feelings on top of the street. She goes, oh, the food, the steak, blah, blah, blah. and she goes, the beer, the cold beer. Oh, they love a cold beer. Brazilians know a good beer. They love a cold beer. And I turned up, do you know what it was? Skull. Skull. Everywhere. They sell it in the shops. They sell it on the beach. They have guys walking up and down the beach with bags of skull. I said to her, skull is like literally, the only place you can buy it is Quick Save in 1992. But yeah, so they love a cold skull. But yeah, it's so awesome. The air is good, right?

36:44Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so hot. I had this thing with it where, like, you couldn't walk on the sand. It was so hot, the sand, that you couldn't – it burned your feet trying to walk across to find where you were going to go to, like, pitch up on the sand. And I said to her, why can't I just wear me socks? And she said, I'm not taking you out with socks on the beach. I said, well, why can't I just – like, it makes no sense because we're walking on the beach. It's too hot. Then we're putting the towel down and we're standing on the towel and we're letting our feet regain a little bit of normality before getting off the towel and carrying on walking.

37:17Then we're putting the towel down. I said, if we put socks on, it's like we've got towels on our feet. We've just got towels on our feet. We can just walk and then take the... She said, no, I'm not being seen with socks on the beach. I said, well, there you go. You're putting completely kind of aesthetic qualities up of practicality. It's a fun return home for your wife. Yeah, feet, towels. I'm waiting till you hear my ideas about toothpaste. Yeah. Do you know what, though? if there was no such thing as socks and then somebody said like I've invented something you just put it on your feet and you can walk on the beach it's called feet towels they would sell like hotcakes oh my god feet towels have changed the world my life is now completely different with feet towels it's a shame really that socks got in there socks got in there they've ruined it people can't view them differently I guess you could bring out feet towels and just make sure they're made of the exact same material as a towel.

38:15This could be your Dragon's Den moment. What do you reckon Stephen Bartlett would say to him? I'm stood up there in front of him. He's saying, how high up the leg do they come? I'm like, well, they just need to be trainer size because it's only the sole of the food that he's protecting, Stephen. They are made of regular towel and material. And I reckon they sell like hotcakes. in a very small... I think you've got to change that phrase because you're meant to be cooling your feet down. Maybe something like cold cakes. They'll smell like cold sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In a very small number of countries.

38:51Yeah, yeah. Okay, well, you might lose Bartlett on a very small number of countries. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Your dream Christmas dinner. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Chris. Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho. Cream. Cream. Dream Christmas dinner. If your dream Christmas dinner is just some cream. A bowl of cream, please. A lap like a cat. Do you know what? I remember going back years, I had this Christmas dinner. This must be like in 2008, 2009, somewhere around there. And I'd cooked it, right? And we had friends coming over and one of them's an Italian chef. and so I'd really really planned this Christmas dinner yeah and like you know there's a lot of things going on I'd researched what I need to do to make everything good I didn't want to be showing up yeah and I'd like worked out the times I kind of half cooked some things and put them on the side so I could put them on have everything done at the right time I had the times all worked out four different timers going at once for things and I had it couldn't have been gone better and then he turned up and he rolled a spliff and he said, have some of this.

40:09And I just, in the space of two minutes, I forgot everything that was on the oven. I literally, it was like, honestly, you can imagine that there's the chaos in my mind of like, I couldn't even see what was on the oven. I couldn't even remind myself visually. I lost track of all the times. I lost track of what I was cooking. I just ended, the whole thing was so farcical to me that I thought it was all ruined. I thought that's it, the dinner's gone. And then he stepped in and he saved the dinner because he's an Italian chef. But the combination of having this dinner that I was half responsible for, that I thought I'd lost, that suddenly somebody else stepped in and saved and probably made better than what I would have made it.

40:54And combined with the fact that I now had the munchies. I absolutely love that sliding doors moment of you've got everything prepared and then an Italian chef comes over and says do you want some of this? and it's just it's yes or no and the day is so different based on which question oh god I couldn't have even told you what vegetables I was cooking oh it's just I had no idea of anything I didn't even know I didn't know where to begin oh god yeah so that was a good Christmas dinner for a lot of reasons. Oh, wow. Was that like the traditional Christmas dinner? Was it like turkey and all the things?

41:32So I don't really go for the turkey. I can't cook a turkey. I'll have a turkey. Do you know what? Just for tradition's sake, if I'm out somewhere that's doing Christmas dinners, I'll have a turkey dinner once a year. Just to say I've done it. Cranberry, I don't... Keep your cranberry sauce. Do you know what? I don't get it. I don't understand why. Like, it's like one kind of mad person did it 200 years ago. Like, you know what? I'm going to put jam on a dinner. Like, just some absolute loon. What have we got? Well, we've only got five things left. We've got some turkey. We've got some jam. Let's have turkey and jam.

42:11It was probably like a member of the aristocracy or something or someone in the royal family, so everyone had to agree with it and eat it at the same time. Yeah, and then all of a sudden, it's like a thing that we have to do. It's just, do you have a Christmas dinner sandwich? it's just like somebody's combined a meat sandwich with a jam sandwich you like jam, no, you like pearl jam which I've just remembered what pearl jam means yeah, it's all down your trousers there's just no way of you editing that out now it's been such a key part of the thread of the podcast it's a runner you know, get rid of that I think Christmas dinner is as much about enjoying the leftovers as it is about the dinner itself and on that regard yeah just a ham ham lovely ham ham for your crook because ham's great cold ham's great hot ham's great cold ham's great sliced thin fat chunks in a sandwich on its own used as a vehicle for something else almost like it's like a meaty poppadom you can just yeah ah so ham lots of ham christmas ham christmas ham yeah lovely gammon basically like a big slices of gammon yeah yeah yeah and um yeah and then it's good then in any form over the next few days isn't it yeah um love a ham um the stuffing's good again with the apple sauce like i'm not as anti-apple sauce as them cranberry but I still wouldn't put it on my dinner yeah like just give it to yourself it's not as harsh and as jam like as cranberry but still it's not for me I do kind of agree with you on the on the sweet sauces I would do it out of tradition but um how do you feel about bread sauce yeah it's a bit savory isn't it I mean you have it with the turkey don't you you don't have it with ham you could have it with ham could you have it with ham I'd have bread sauce with ham, I'd have, I'd pop horseradish with ham.

44:12I'd pop mustard with ham, Chris. I don't know. I mean, it's weird, isn't it? Because I've only ever had mint sauce with lamb. I wonder whether mint sauce would go with other things. It's never been an available option for me. Work in a kitchen and we'd make an onion salad with mint sauce and just have to mix it all together and it was actually really nice. But we'd send that out and that was with other dishes that weren't just lamb. I can't actually remember what it was with now but like it was quite a popular item on the menu I'd go mint jelly over mint sauce anyway I love mint jelly I didn't know that about you I remember when I was a kid this had gone back years I remember having like a a little spooned out kind of combination on a salad of celery beetroot and apple like chunks of apple and that that was that was good like apple adding a bit of sweetness in that form to something that's savoury was good.

45:16But I think the sauces just get a bit sickly, don't they? They sort of take everything over. Yeah, they take over, yeah. Now, I'm happy with the gravy, to be honest. Gravy, parsnips, carrots, get a bit of broccoli. I know broccoli's not traditional, but it absorbs gravy. It's a good... I also like to pretend I'm a giant when I eat broccoli. And I've pulled up trees from the road and then I like and I eat it like I honestly do the noise like I'm kind of I don't know like giants can't eat anything without going like before they put it in their mouth they probably just eat like us don't they just bigger I just imagine your Brazilian wife sat there now that's why she doesn't take me out that's why she doesn't take me out I'm at the restaurant yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah.

46:09Roast potatoes, parsnips. Do you know what? Like parsnips, for me, there seems to be a trend of trying to make the parsnip the full length of the parsnip, you know? Interesting, yeah. Yeah. It's quite lethal for a blind man, having a sharpened parsnip on a fork, because you don't know, first of all, often you don't know what you've got on your fork. Yeah. Also, even if you do know it's a parsnip, you don't know where you've skewered the parsnip. You don't know how much of the spike. I've had them up my nose and everything. So, you know, you go to kind of get one in your mouth and it kind of hits you up the nose, in the eye.

46:47Quite a lethal vegetable, especially if it's well-roasted, quite sharp on the end. Yeah, and we've got to stick to the tradition with parsnips, which is you get the fat end and then the spiked end, right? Two separate parsnips. Yeah, I'd shorten them. Yeah, you short them even more. Yeah. The thing for me when that happens, it's often the short end the flat end looks like a roast potato. So I think it's like you with the poppadom dips I think I'm getting a roast potato and then it turns out it's a parsnip. I'm not happy with that. I don't like that. No, do they look the same or you just well okay.

47:25Chris I'll offer a counter argument and say they don't look the same. I wouldn't imagine they look the same. They look the same. They're identical Chris. They're not identical I think you're cutting your potatoes too small yeah you're cutting your potatoes too small and cutting the ends off weirdly Chris is the one who's in the right here and Chris is blind Chris is telling you they don't look the same and he's correct that's a low point for me of the podcast they don't look the same and your trousers look fine do you know what the amount of times as well I tell you this is the worst this is the worst is when you're having your dinner like not being able to say it's like Russian roulette you don't know what you got so you got it yeah the number of times I've thought I'm biting into a juicy quarter of tomato and it's a whole piece of lemon oh and yeah but I mean that is the that is the opposite of fizzy water that is you know the fizzy water you think you're getting something and you're getting nothing yeah that you think you're getting a little bit of something you're getting everything you're getting too much Too much.

48:42Your dream side dish, Chris. Now, is that just the chips that you chose earlier? Yeah, I think there was chips with the pichania, right? But if you have a different side dish you'd like to pick. Yeah. I mean, this is really sad, but when I was in uni, I used to love a pot noodle sandwich. I just... It is sad. Yeah. A piece of white bread with a beef and tomato pot noodle. Yeah. Spooning it onto the white bread. Yeah. Don't even butter it. Just fold it over. Just a pot noodle fold over. And that was a hearty meal for a starving student. Wow. And I'd never dream of making one now, you know, at the distinguished age that I am.

49:25But this is a fantasy dream restaurant, isn't it? Yeah. Where what goes on in the fantasy dream restaurant stays in the fantasy dream restaurant. So, yeah, I think I'd like one single white bread pot noodle fold over. I also remember, do you know what? Like I was so kind of unworldly with my foods. Like the first time I ever had pizza was when I was a student at uni. I'd never eaten pizza. It just wasn't a thing. I mean, it was a thing, but there was just wasn't, we didn't go to pizza restaurants when I was younger. going to a restaurant just wasn't a thing that we did really do you know what I mean and I also didn't like cheese when I was younger and I didn't know that melted cheese tasted so much differently to blocks of cheese and a mate of mine at uni said do you want a piece of this Peter it was a 99 piece Sainsbury's kind of thin smear of cheese on a burnt bread base and with like 8 pieces of pepperoni on it and I said no and he went he sure it's good you know and I had a piece and it was the greatest culinary revelation of my life is that peak that single piece and i'm glad i started with a 99 pence pizza because i've had to gone straight in dominoes i don't i probably wouldn't be here to tell the tale i it would have been too much for me yeah so that moment was um one of the greatest kind of shifts in my eating was the realization that melted cheese and pizza was incredible and I still had a world of pizza to enjoy from that moment I'd started at the bottom it's the best place to start now we're here but you know what if I could recreate that moment of that first piece of pizza back then just give me that as a little side oh yeah nice so we're dispensing with the pot noodles I think I want to give Chris both because I like both the pot noodle fold over I think we're doing like Chris's uni years yeah yeah university years University platter as the side dish because I don't think we'll ever have a pot noodle fold over again on the podcast I think we've got to grab this with both hands very much sounds like an invention that Chris has come up with yeah add it to towel socks or whatever feet towels yeah trademark TM copyright 2025 I don't know how Bart is going to respond to the pot noodle fold over I can't see him going in on this well if he's out if he's out if he's out for the feet towels imagine Dragon's Den he's out for the feet tails Chris doesn't get investment leads the next person in is Chris clearly just wearing a hat holding a soggy he's like right hear me out that's you I know that's you I'll tell you what as well back in the day like going back to like I don't know late 90s or something like that you go into a festival like you went to the Reading Festival or something like that in the late 90s they would have a pot noodle stand an official pot noodle stand right and it was a giant pot noodle and you'd go into the pot noodle to order a pot noodle.

52:24And I would go in to get a pot noodle just because the thrill of being in a pot noodle was so much fun. Yeah. That you're like, the idea of being in a pot noodle was better than the pot noodle. So it almost feels like you were going in on a ride. Yeah. Do you want your dream meal to be in a pot noodle? A massive pot noodle. A Christmassy one. Yeah. well yeah if it fits if it fits the format yeah let's not forget that this is this will have to be a big pot noodle restaurant in the middle of an episode of Frasier yeah that would love it giant pot noodle the size of the Seattle Space Needle yeah but honestly like walk so the whole it just looked like because I could see back then so for the people at home it just looked like a huge pot noodle yeah but the front of it was cut out like a little doorway and you'd walk in the pot noodle and you'd come out the big pot noodle with a little pot noodle.

53:25And even just now, the thought of it's making me giddy with excitement. It's a thrilling thing to do. Where else do you get to go in the big thing and come up with a littler version of the big thing? Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah. There's not enough of that in life. Eiffel Tower, maybe? Yeah, well, okay. That's a commemorative thing, isn't it? Like, yeah, but... But not an actual... It's not working. Yeah, I know what you mean. Outside of landmarks. Yeah. Yeah. The big pot noodles is probably the only example of that. I mean, if you got to like, if you were at a burger shop, make it a big burger.

53:58And then the amount of people that would go in the big burger to come up with a little burger. Yeah. Oh, your burger sales would go through the roof. Yeah. Literally.

54:10Your dream drink. I don't think my dream drink exists. Okay. Perfect. So, I love... There we go. Bartlett's getting ready. Yeah. this is the third time you've been in here today here we go quiz again I love I love and I always get I always got confused between ginger ale and ginger beer right and now I came up with a way of remembering it and it is that ginger beer cheer ginger ale fail right perfect and and and that's because ginger ale I think is like a bit too lemonade-y. And ginger beer is the gingery one with a bit of a kick. Yes. No, I don't like it sweet. I like it quite, you know, dry and gingery.

54:59But whenever I have a ginger beer, I always think I wish this was more gingery. Yeah. So I want the most gingery ginger beer. Like, I want it hot. I want it to burn the back of my throat. I want it to be, I want it to come with some pain. Like you would get with a chili. like you get people enjoy hot foods and hot sauces and and there's a certain level of kind of pain that comes with the enjoyment there's a physical reaction there's a sensation to it I want a ginger beer that kicks my ass yeah yeah we can do that for you I can use my genie powers and make it the most gingery fiery ginger beer yeah what's the what's the ginger beer that's commercially available that you think gets closest to that um I look I mean I like I like a Fentonman's because the Fentimans comes in a decent sized bottle.

55:50Sometimes if you order a ginger beer, you get like a tiny little miniature that they'd use the top of a short. The Fentimans comes in a decent sized bottle, like 200 millilitres or something. And it's not too sweet. It tastes quite dry. So that's kind of the go-to if you're out and about. But I'd love like an ultra version. Yeah. Extreme. Fentimans Extreme. Yeah. I really want a ginger beer now. Yeah. I've sold it well haven't I and imagine going in a massive ginger beer to get a smaller ginger beer well it's going to happen for the dream restaurant we can make sure we can make sure that every course you're in your giant when you're eating or drinking it that would be that would be good except for I don't know how you do a big pop of Dom it'd just be like a gazebo wouldn't it where the top was the pop of Dom it would have to be otherwise it'd just be a door wouldn't it you'd just walk through and you're out.

56:46Yeah, you smash right through it. Yeah. I think if you had a gazebo as well where the top was a poppadom, you'd get sick of having to point it out to people, wouldn't you? Yeah. Because like massive pot noodle looks like a big pot noodle. You'd have to say to people, do you like the gazebo? And they go, yeah, it's nice. And then you have to go, the tops are poppadom. Oh, is it? Yeah, I never noticed that. Yeah. Now you've pointed it out, I can see it. We know that all too well. We did a live show with this podcast and we had a set behind us with a massive giant poppadom and everyone just thought it was the moon.

57:17Yeah, just looking like the moon. Every guest was like, oh, it's the moon. But it's not the moon. It's the poppadom from the show. Come on, from the show. Yeah. No. Ginger beer always makes me think of the Famous Five. They would always have ginger beer, lashings and lashings and ginger beer. Do you think you'd be a good addition to the Famous Five, Chris? Do I? Solving crimes with four kids and a dog? Do you know what? like I yeah I think it's over time isn't it yeah they're self crimes I like the words they court criminals and stuff I like the words they use you know there's always those words isn't there the good food words that she used in those books like she'd mix the words up wouldn't she like delumptious and skrillicious and things like that so um yeah it's innocent times isn't it yeah I'd imagine being in a gang that sells crimes they didn't solve proper crimes did they yeah there'd be like drug dealers in a lighthouse or something?

58:15They didn't do drug dealers in a lighthouse, did they? Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely. I thought they stayed clear of murder. And did they do murders? Yeah. Five find a shipload of ket. That was one of them.

58:31We arrived at your dream dessert, Chris. Yeah. Do you have one?

58:38What we in a giant one of now? Oh, God, this meal's dragging, isn't it? when we can see the exact moment our guest runs out of energy so I love or I did love I probably wouldn't love them now but like I did I love a school dessert and when I was in school I loved school desserts and I also remember the joy of a pink custard day or a chocolate custard day and they're probably so sweet for my 48 year old palate now but like if I could eat those desserts with the palate of a child. And just the amount of custard. What winds me up is when you go somewhere and you order a pudding that should be in a bowl and it comes on a plate.

59:24And you get like, oh, I'll have the treacle sponge and custard. And you get a little block of sponge on a plate with a drizzle of custard on it. And you want to send it back and go, where is this an acceptable vehicle for treacle sponge and custard? I want it swimming in it. I want a bowl. I want a bowl that facilitates the custard being higher than the sponge. I want to be surprised when I see sponge in there. You know, I want it to be a bowl of custard and I want to excavate the sponge like I'm an archaeologist. So good old school desserts with huge amounts of custards of various fluorescent colours with the palette of a child.

1:00:08So we're going with the treacle sponge. Is that the one that you would have? Love a trickle sponge, yeah. A good old spotted dick. Even like a Bakewell, Bakewell tart with custard. Love all them. I love Jam Riley Polly. With a good old, I mean, a pink custard. I mean, does that still exist? Do people still have pink custard? I don't think so. I've not come across pink custard for a while. When you did Strictly, did you have to change your diet at all? When I did, so when I did Strictly, which I talk about in my book, Keep Laughing, which is out for Christmas makes a PR guys out there they'll be like they left ages ago Chris yeah thank God he's brought it back to the book I could eat what I wanted like literally it was insane like we'd be training eight hours a day I would have a I would have a burger for like a Tuesday dinner time who's having a burger for a Tuesday dinner time at the age of 48 and then and then I'd go I'll have a burger again on a Wednesday or it just didn't matter I was I was eating chocolate like it was Christmas, and then it was Christmas.

1:01:14And so the calories didn't matter. I ate what I wanted, and I still lost weight. It was insane. But, you know, to counterbalance that, I was also held together with physiotherapy. Yeah, it was physically kind of slowly ripped me apart over four months. People would go, do you feel healthier? I literally feel like I've been in a car crash. Yeah. Like, me arse is literally sellotape to me back. Like, with actual pieces of tape. They've taken tape, they've attached it to me cheeks, and they've stretched that up to me shoulders. Yeah. And they've gone, this will hold you in the form of a human for another week.

1:02:00You just say to your wife, that's a Brazilian butt lift.

1:02:07I could eat what I wanted it was good but then you've really got to rein it in when it finishes because you don't carry on dancing and that's the one thing you can't carry on eating like that otherwise it all goes wrong doesn't it it was great it was great to watch it every single week every time were you like I can't believe I'm still in it yeah I honestly thought I said no to it a few times because I didn't think it was possible I'm all for diversity I'm like we should have more diversity more representation across mainstream program do you want to do strictly are you insane literally insane come on in what world do you think this is even possible and i didn't i didn't know what it was they were asking me to do because i couldn't you can't describe it describe it as what's dancing but how good how technical how fast what are the dances so the only way i was able to figure out what it was they wanted me to do was by doing it so it was so the unknown most terrifying thing I've ever done in my life and you know top 10 scariest things I've ever done in my life I've had 10 episodes of Strictly hands down it was that feeling of 8 million people watching at home and you're in the studio while that VT plays and you're just waiting for this moment of reckoning and then it comes in the studio and they go dancing or whatever Chris and honestly the nerves I've never felt anything like it and you just have to flick those switches in your head and just try and belt through it, you know, but it is, um, it's terrifying, which is why as soon as that dance was over, if I felt like I'd done a good job and we put the hours and we done all right, I went straight into comedy modes.

1:03:39Cause that was my safety. That was like, I've just blagged me. Well, I've just blagged myself as a dancer for the last two minutes. Yeah. Now let's take the piss out of Greg and have a laugh and, and do something that I know I can do. And, um, and it, it worked. people kind of um people liked it but the thing is is that i mean the thing i'm proud of with it is that for none of the weeks throughout the whole 13 weeks were me and diane ever kept in above somebody that got more points than us every every week the person that went out had less points than us but from the judges so we always held our own even though it connected with the audience at home and and they liked what we were doing and we had people supporting us and stuff We always held our own up until the final.

1:04:27And then in the final, over three dances, we're only four points off a maximum. So I couldn't be prouder of what we did. It was remarkable. And even when we got to February two months after, I'd look back. When you're out of that bubble for just two months, I'd look back and I'd go, how the fuck did we do that? It just felt insane that that was even something that happened. So, yeah, but it's all in the book. Yeah. Look at you now on a giant pot noodle. Yeah. Dancing a giant pot noodle, Chris. Yeah, yeah. I suggested, you know, a lot of the music that you dance as well, you're allowed to kind of, it's a three-way kind of conversation between Strictly and you and Diane and your dancer.

1:05:16And, you know, I have my input on some dances and some ideas, but I'd say most of the things I suggested on that show were shut down quite early on. A lot of my musical, I mean, me and you, Ed, share a lot of musical tastes, yeah. Yes. A lot of my musical tastes were, I'd play Diane something that I thought had a really good beat and a really good rhythm and she'd say, you just can't dance to this. There's nothing in it at all that even remotely resembles. I'm not listening to that bass line, Diane. And the examples of the ones that got away? you know I did play some Pearl Jam so I was told that like the couple's choice you can do something that kind of means something to you and also the Paso Doble I was told is kind of the one that you can do something heavier to I went through a whole morning of playing playing Diane Sepultura and Soulfly songs which is Brazilian thrash metal thrash slash groove metal and kind of arguing with it in disbelief that she was saying there was no rhythm to them.

1:06:20What? It's pure rhythm. It's pure rhythm. Too much rhythm, I would say. I would say it's the cranberry sauce of the musical world. Dancing to Roots bloody Roots. It's Chris McCausland. Yeah, but I see her point. And I realise doing Strictly as well that it's as much about the song as it is about the dancing. People will only like a dance if they like the song. That's interesting. and I think that the song really unless it's a Paso Doble which is like traditional kind of it works well with the traditional music I think it needs to it needs to have words to the song it needs to be they work better than like a score or I remember I remember Shane who I was on with did one of his dances I can't remember which one it was but he did it to whatever that tune is that's the theme tune for Alton Towers yeah yeah Hall of the Mountain King I can't remember how it goes but it gets faster and faster yeah the Fantasia thing as well isn't it yeah yeah yeah he did it to that and I was listening to it because I'd do that every week I'd be up there like there'd be an amazing dance gets done and they'd finish and I'd say to that god the band's amazing aren't they but he did it to that and it sounded amazing but I was just thinking I don't think people are going to like the song compared to you know the other choices on that week so I think that's important on it you know yeah I really wish I'd be able to see you dance to a soulfly song would you do it?

1:07:51no never I wouldn't hold up Chris I'll be out week one from stress I'll be pleading down the bound of the camera for them to vote me off please no one vote for me I can't take this anymore also Costume would have an absolute nightmare with him when he just gets egg on it every single week please stop eating breakfast wrap just before you go on I can't help it let me just make you back to you now Chris Oh yeah, let's have this. Okay. Still water. Absolutely. Pop it on, so spoons of condiments straight into your mouth. Yeah. An antipasti for four. Beef, different types of ham, breadsticks, sun-dried tomatoes, mozzarella, olives.

1:08:29Main course. Green. Let's get rid of the black ones. Let's just go with the big green ones. Just the big green. Big green ones. Main course. Pecania, Brazilian salted steak cooked on an open flame with black beans, garlic, frotha, and chips. Christmas dinner, you would like a Christmas ham. Ham, you love ham. Stuff in roast potatoes and parsnips. Side dish, beef and... Did that make it clear how much I like ham? You didn't really say ham enough. No, not enough. Side dish, beef and tomato, pot noodle sandwich, a fold over on white bread, and a bite of your first pizza when you were at university.

1:09:03Yeah, life-changing, life-changing. Drink the most fiery, gingery ginger beer that we can make for you. And dessert, a school dessert, huge amounts of various custards with the palate of a child. can I just say that it sounds like the palate of a child is the thing that's been eaten there can I just I don't want a bowl of custard on the palate of a child just if anyone's tuned in at the end I don't know why they would but maybe they got bored and just skipped to the end to see how it finishes maybe people do that sometimes with our episodes especially when they do I'll hear the menu to know if I'm going to like this episode oh my god he's eaten the palate of a child what the hell I thought this was the nice guy from Strictly a little bit more context to it than that what a lovely Christmassy way to end it Chris thank you so much for coming to the Dream Restaurant thanks for having me thank you Chris ham

1:10:02well there we are James what a lovely start to our Christmas specials well I mean a crazy journey there we're in giant pot noodles wearing towels on our feet Frasier Frasier was there that was the most normal part yeah that was the most normal part but lovely to see Chris lovely to chat to him always funny get his book keep laughing on audio as well you can get it on audio I'd say buy it in in hardcover yeah and buy it in audio yeah makes a lovely Christmas gift maybe get one for yourself and one for your loved one wait till the paperback comes out get that yeah complete for the completists you've got it for the completists and also Chris did not say Chris Stingle.

1:10:44No, he didn't say that. Which you were glad about because I was enjoying the chat. I would have been surprised if you said Chris Stingle given what his food choices were. I don't think he'll really like an orange with like Donnie mixtures and raisins stuck in it and cloves. Yeah, and cloves. We've had cloves already as a secret ingredient. Disgusting. Disgusting. Yes. Next week there's another Christmas episode. Yes, there is. Of course. And you know, let's just say similar vibe. That's the clue. That's the clue. It's a good clue. why it's a good clue is it's not true so it'll really throw people off the scent okay well you know we'll see see what people think if I'm right or you're right yes okay this is available tomorrow on YouTube if you're listening to this on the day it came out otherwise pop on YouTube it's probably there anyway had a few messages from people saying that Benito's winning that they're listening to the episode on audio and then watching it on YouTube Benito's oh that's because of us that's because we're doing his bidding for him and saying that it's on YouTube I love to do his bidding we should stop promoting it yeah no I love to stop promoting the YouTube no way I love to do Benito's bidding I hate it I hate doing his bidding it's the worst part of my life I'm going to do his bidding all the time well Merry Christmas James Merry Christmas to all of you we'll be back next week with another Christmas episode but for now bye bye Jingle Bells bye bye Jingle Bells

1:12:14Hello, I'm Amy Gledhill. And I'm Harriet Kemsley. You might remember us from when we were guests on Off Menu where I tried to find where I got seaweed mash and we had to call my mum. And I talked about how my mum was worried that I might drown in my own body. That's cool. And we've got some exciting news. We've sorted your Valentine's Day plans again as we're doing a special live recording of the podcast on Valentine's Day. aka Saturday the 14th of February yes we've got a lovely venue it's at the Underbelly Boulevard in Soho, London we had so much fun at the last Valentine's Day show yes and we both absolutely overshared will we do it again?

1:12:55You'll have to come along and find out okay yes, yes we will so that's Saturday 14th of February at Underbelly Boulevard and you can get tickets on the link in our bio and our Instagram